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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 401


                            "THE TOOTH FAIRY'S TATS 2000"


                                      Written by 


                       Trey Parker,  Matt Stone,  Nancy Pimental





               [The Cartman house. Liane is sipping her coffee on the sofa. 
               She lowers it as Cartman screams]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom! MOOOM! Mom!  Seriously! Something 
                         wonderful has happened!
 
                                     LIANE
                         What is it, snookums?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom, look! The tooth fairy! I put a 
                         tooth under my pillow, and she gave 
                         me two dollars!  She's only given me 
                         a lousy quarter before!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh my! She must think that you are a 
                         very special little muffin.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah! This is so tits!

                                     LIANE
                         Don't say "tits," Eric.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I mean, this is so cool!

                                     LIANE
                         Well, then, now you should take that 
                         money and open up a savings account 
                         that has compounded daily interest.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, you can compound daily my ass with 
                         interest, Mom; I'm goin' to the toy 
                         store and buy me a skateboard! 
 
                                     LIANE
                         But Eric, I think maybe the tooth fairy 
                         wants you to use that money to learn 
                         about saving.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy 
                         wants me to do with this money, okay? 
                         You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see 
                         you later!  Aw, man, this is so tits!
 
                         
               [The bus stop. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand around]

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey you guys! You're not gonna believe 
                         this!  Oh my God, you guys, seriously! 
                          Just wait until you hear this, you 
                         guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich!  Aren't 
                         you stoked?!
 
                                     STAN
                         What the hell's wrong with Cartman?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         He's fat and he's stupid?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Look what the tooth fairy left me last 
                         night! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Two dollars!

                                     KYLE
                         No way!

                                     STAN
                         For one tooth?

                                     CARTMAN
                         For one tooth.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, every time I lost a tooth I only 
                         got a quarter.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I only got a jar of gifelte fish.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, that doesn't matter, because I 
                         have an idea that is totally tits.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         ...Totally what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's 
                         being so cool to me. Maybe she's hot 
                         for me. I don't know, but if we all 
                         chip in with teeth, then I can hide 
                         them under my pillow and we could get 
                         enough money to buy a  Sega Dreamcast.
 
                         
                                     STAN, KYLE, KENNY
                         Sega Dreamcast??

                                     CARTMAN
                         All we need is teeth.

                                     STAN
                         I already lost all my baby teeth.

                                     KYLE
                         Me too. 

                                     KENNY
                          (Nuh-uh.)

                                     KYLE
                         You still have baby teeth, Kenny?

                                     KENNY
                         (No way!)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Kenny, think about it. Don't you want 
                         a  Sega Dreamcast?
 
                                     KENNY
                          (No I don't! Thank you.)

                                     CARTMAN
                          Alright! Kenny's in, you guys! Tits!
 
                         
               [The school yard. Stan ties Kenny to a tetherball pole. The string 
               leads off to the right]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, the string is tied to Kenny's 
                         tooth. You ready over there?
 
                                     KYLE
                          Almost. You ready, Timmy?

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmiihh!

                                     KYLE
                         When I say "go," you slam your electric 
                         wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     KYLE
                         Right. You're Timmy.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh! Lemmeouttaheah!

                                     KENNY
                         (Why the fuck does it have to be my 
                         tooth?)
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'll tell you why it has to be you, 
                         Kenny: because your family is poor, 
                         and therefore has bad oral hygiene, 
                         so your teeth are gonna fall out someday, 
                         anyway. If you think about it, you should 
                         actually be thanking us.  "Oh, thank 
                         you, guys." You're welcome, Kenny.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                          (Fuck you!)

                                     KYLE
                         Alright! Get ready, Timmy.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     BUTTERS
                          Heh-hey guys, uh, wu-what are you doin'?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What does it look like we're doing, 
                         Butters? We need a tooth, so we're using 
                         Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of 
                         Kenny's.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh. Heh, I got a loose tooth right here. 
                         
 
                                     STAN, CARTMAN
                         You what?

                                     KENNY
                         (You what?)

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih-

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yyep. Oo-one of mine came out not two 
                         hours ago.
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh, Butters, could we have it?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wwell, heck no! Uh you can't have it. 
                         Why, I'm gonna stick it under- my pillow 
                         and get money from the tooth fairy. 
                         She gives me fifty cents a tooth.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Ha-a-ugh.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, uh, see ya, fellas. 

                                     KYLE
                          Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a 
                         tooth out of Kenny's mouth.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         How are we gonna get it from him?

                                     STAN
                         I guess we'll have to sneak into his 
                         house after he goes to sleep tonight.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, let's go. 

                                     TIMMY
                         Go! Timmy go!  Yeah, Timmy! 

                                     KYLE
                         No, Timmy, wait!

                                     TIMMY
                         Engh go uh Timmy! 

                                     KENNY
                         (Hey, guys!)  (Heey-ungh)  (Oowww.)
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hahahahahaha. Hey, you guys, I can see 
                         Kenny's pengling, hahahahahaha.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Hu-aah!

               [A house, night. Butters is asleep in his room. A pole rises 
               outside with a grinning Cartman dressed as a tooth fairy dangling 
               from it]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Higher, you guys.

                                     STAN
                          Jesus Christ, why did we pick the fat 
                         guy to lift up in there?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Agh! Careful, you assholes!  To the 
                         left, you guys, left.  No, camera left, 
                         camera left!  That's it, now down. 
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          What the-?  Who's there? Who is that?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I am the tooth fairy, my child.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean 
                         to gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now, 
                         see? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure. Now I will leave you tidings under 
                         your pillow. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Well, oh gosh, I, I didn't think you'd 
                         be so fat.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do not open your eyes until morning. 
                          Or else I will kick you in the nuts. 
                          Square in the nuts.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yuh, yu-yes ma'am!

                                     STAN
                         Well?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Bull's eye!

               [Cartman's house, later. He's being tucked in bed]

                                     LIANE
                         Tucky tucky time, it's the best time 
                         of the night.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I love that song, Mom. Sing it again.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         No, honey, Mommy's gotta save her throat. 
                         I have to work tonight.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay.

                                     LIANE
                         Good night.  What do you have there, 
                         Eric?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Another tooth fell out today; I'm leavin' 
                         it for the tooth fairy.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, my. The tooth fairy will have to 
                         give you a big surprise for losing two 
                         teeth in two days.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I know, huh?

               [The bus stop, next morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are there]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys! Oh my God, you guys! You're 
                         not gonna believe it! It's beyond rational 
                         thought, you guys!  Holy crap, you guys! 
                         I mean-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Did the tooth fairy come?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Four dollars. 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God!

                                     KYLE
                         Four dollars?

                                     KENNY
                         (Oh, my God!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Do you what this means?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. We just gotta keep finding teeth 
                         and putting them under your pillow. 
                         
 
               [Dentist office, some days later. A phone rings]

                                     A DENTIST
                          Dentist office.

                                     LIANE
                         Oh. Eh-hello, Dr. Roberts? It's Ms. 
                         Cartman.
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         Oh, yes, Ms. Cartman. What can I do 
                         for you?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Well, it's my son. He's lost a lot of 
                         his baby teeth, and I was starting to 
                         get worried.
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         Well, losing baby teeth is a natural 
                         thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he 
                         lost?
 
                                     LIANE
                         About a hundred and twelve.

                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         ...A hundred and twelve.

                                     LIANE
                         Yes. Fifteen of them in one night. Perhaps 
                         he should switch toothpaste?
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         Your son wouldn't happen to be an "alligator," 
                         would he? No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid 
                         I can't help you right now. The American 
                         Dental Association convention is this 
                         week, but, as soon as I get back, I'll 
                         look into it.
 
                                     LIANE
                         O-oh, thank you. Freebie next week. 
                         
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         What?

               [Cartman's room, dawn. He rises and throws his pillows off the 
               bed]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Tih-  Tooth?  What the hell? Mom!

                                     LIANE
                          Yes, Eric

                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, the tooth fairy forgot to 
                         bring me money last night! Call the 
                         police!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down.  Mommy has 
                         something to tell you. It's just that- 
                         well, there is no tooth fairy, Eric. 
                         I've been putting all that money under 
                         your pillow, and because you got so 
                         many teeth fall out, I've actually run 
                         out of money and can't go to the grocery 
                         store for at least a month.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You almost had me for a second there, 
                         Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." 
                         I suppose you're gonna tell me there's 
                         no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, 
                         either, heh, heh...  M- Mom?
 
                                     LIANE
                         I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out 
                         sooner or later.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yi- you're serious here. There really 
                         is no tooth fairy?
 
                                     LIANE
                         No, honey. It's just-

                                     CARTMAN
                         How could-? How could you lie to me, 
                         Mother? Lie right to my face?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a 
                         child.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How can I trust you?  How can I trust 
                         anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, 
                         uh to make it through this life, I can 
                         only trust myself.  Myself and Willikins 
                         Bear, of course.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Eric! Eric, wait!

                                     CARTMAN
                          No, Mother! No more lies! 

               [The Cartman house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait. Cartman exits 
               and walks down the street upset, ignoring his friends]
 
                                     STAN
                          Dude, where's the money?

                                     CARTMAN
                          There is no money.

                                     KYLE
                         No more money??

                                     STAN
                         What are you talking about, Cartman?! 
                         We're only $167 away from gettin' a 
                         Sega!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I know!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, what's going on?!

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys...  Oh, God, I don't even know 
                         how to tell you this.
 
                                     STAN
                         Tell us what?!

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys, there's... there's no tooth 
                         fairy, you guys. There, I said it. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What do you mean, "there's no tooth 
                         fairy?"
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom has been giving me the money 
                         all this time, and your parents are 
                         the ones who left you money.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude.

                                     KYLE
                         That can't be. My parents wouldn't lie 
                         to me.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But now my mom has given us so much 
                         money that she's bankrupt, and we're 
                         poor, like Kenny.  Don't touch me, Kenny. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          You're wrong. If my dad says something 
                         is real, then it's real!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, open your eyes, man!

                                     KYLE
                         It's not true! 

               [The Broflovski house. Kyle enters the living room. Gerald is 
               on the sofa reading the newspaper]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Oh, hello, son. 

                                     KYLE
                         Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little 
                         talk. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh my God! You did lie to me.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like 
                         Peter Pan.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Peter Pan, too??

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle...

                                     KYLE
                         What about Moses and Abraham?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, they were probably real.

                                     KYLE
                         Probably?! Is Atlantis real??

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Probably not.

                                     KYLE
                          Wahahahah!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Look, Kyle, adults make up those things 
                         because they're fun for children.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Fun for children?! Fun for children?! 
                         Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's 
                         real anymore! Weaaaah! 
 
               [The town. The boys less Stan sit at a curb moping]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, I can't believe all our parents 
                         lied to us about the tooth fairy.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What about Dan Rather? Do you think 
                         he's real?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, man, that's just a TV show.

                                     STAN
                          You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What? That your parents lied to you, 
                         too?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get 
                         our Sega Dreamcast!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         How?

                                     STAN
                         Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, 
                         right?
 
                                     KYLE
                         All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         So all we have to do is go to a really 
                         rich kid's house, put our tooth under 
                         his pillow, wait for his parents to 
                         leave him a whole buttload of money, 
                         and then sneak back in and take it!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!)

                                     STAN
                         The kid will never even know.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that 
                         is big fat Oprah tits right there!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God, what if I'm not real?

                                     STAN
                         We can take the bus to the city. There's 
                         super-rich people down there!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. 

                                     KYLE
                         I mean, what if I'm just part of my 
                         parents' reality?
 
                                     STAN
                          Come on, Kyle! 

                                     KYLE
                         What if this is all just somebody's 
                         dream?
 
               [Cherry Creek, the wealthiest neighborhood in Colorado, night. 
               The bus pulls up to a curb and drops the boys off in front of 
               a three-story mansion]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, look at the size of these houses!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Totally, dude. Cherry Creek is the richest 
                         part of Denver. I'll bet these kids 
                         get at least ten bucks a tooth from 
                         the  "Tooth Fairy."
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey,  that house looks perfect. There's 
                         obviously kids living there. 
 
                                     STAN
                          There. You can tell this is the kid's 
                         window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers 
                         on it. Cartman, once you're in the kid's 
                         room, leave the tooth under the pillow, 
                         then come back out. We'll wait for the 
                         parents to see it and leave money, then 
                         swing you back in the house to grab 
                         it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Got it. 

                                     STAN
                         This is the smartest business venture 
                         ever. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What the-? 

                                     STAN
                         Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?!
 
                         
                                     BOY 1
                          We're gonna sneak a tooth under this 
                         rich kid's pillow, then come back and 
                         collect the tooth fairy money that his 
                         parents leave him.
 
                                     STAN
                         ...Hey, you can't do that!

                                     BOY 2
                          Why not?!

                                     STAN
                         Because that's what we're doing!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! You ripped off our idea!

                                     BOY 2
                         What the hell are you talking about?! 
                         We've been doing this for over two years!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Two years?

                                     BLOND
                         Nice tooth fairy costume. You think 
                         anybody'd believe you in that?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's better than your dress! You look 
                         like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!
 
                         
                                     BLOND
                         How dare you! 

                                     BOY 1
                         Look, this is our turf! You'd better 
                         scram before the Boss breaks your legs!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You scram! We were here first!

                                     RICH KID
                          What's going on?  Oh! It's the tooth 
                         fairies!
 
                                     BOY 2
                         Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         You woke him up! 

                                     RICH KID
                         I don't have any loose teeth, Miss Fairies 
                         but I have been a very good boy.
 
                                     ALL
                         Shut up!

                                     BOY 1
                         Alright, that does it! Come on, we're 
                         going to see the Boss!
 
                                     STAN
                         Who's the Boss?

                                     BOY 1
                         Loogie.

               [Loogie's Ristorante. The light above the door is the one that 
               flickers]
 
                                     LOOGIE
                          My associates here tell me you were 
                         working Cherry Creek tonight. Is that 
                         true?
 
                                     STAN
                         Uuh, yeah.

                                     BOY 1
                         Right on our turf, Boss! I ain't ever 
                         seen that kind of disre-  Erp.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We were there first!

                                     LOOGIE
                          Kids have been doing the tooth fairy 
                         racket in this town for years.  I do 
                         it just like my big brother before me, 
                         and my oldest brother before that.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Damnit! And we thought we were so original!
 
                         
                                     LOOGIE
                         Let me ask you something: You were gonna 
                         sneak a tooth under this rich kid's 
                         pillow? Then what?
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, uh-what do you mean?

                                     LOOGIE
                         How are the kid's parents gonna know 
                         there was a tooth under their child's 
                         pillow? 
 
                                     BOY 1
                         Ha! You guys don't even know how the 
                         tooth trade works!
 
                                     STAN
                         What's a "tooth trade?"

                                     LOOGIE
                         Look, any shmuck can sneak through a 
                         window wearing a pretty dress. The tooth 
                         racket is much more involved.  We keep 
                         careful track of what houses we've hit 
                         so that we don't hit the same one twice 
                         in less than two months.  Inside the 
                         house we not only have to sneak a tooth 
                         under the pillow, but leave a note for 
                         Mom and Dad to see. 
 
               DEAR

               TOOTHFAIRY,

               
               I LOST A TOOTH!

               
               I PUT IT UNDER

               
               MY PILLOW! 

               This is how we let the parents know to leave money under the 
               pillow. [the fairies ride through the neighborhood on their bikes] 
               Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over, 
               going back to the first house. But this time, all we have to 
               do is collect money. [shots of the tooth fairies cleaning up] 
               And the kids never know what hit 'em.
 
                                     THE SOUTH PARK BOYS
                         Wow!

                                     LOOGIE
                         The hardest part is getting teeth. We 
                         tried various places. Cemeteries , hockey 
                         games , anywhere we can find them 
 
                         
                                     BEAT-UP BOY
                         Nooo! 

                                     LOOGIE
                         The teeth we do manage to acquire are 
                         then sorted according to size, color, 
                         and quality.  But there's never enough 
                         teeth. Never enough.
 
                                     STAN
                         Amazing.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, that is tits!

                                     LOOGIE
                         And now my only problem is, what do 
                         I do with you? 
 
                                     BOY 1
                         Rowwr!

                                     LOOGIE
                         Tell you what: how would you like to 
                         run the South Park tooth racket for 
                         me?
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh. Uh-I don't know.

                                     LOOGIE
                         It's that, or else I can cut off your 
                         penises. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hm. Work for you, have my penis cut 
                         off. Work for you, have my penis cut 
                         off. Hm's see...
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman!

                                     STAN
                         How much do we get if we work for you?
 
                         
                                     LOOGIE
                         I'll cut you in at 2%.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Two percent, have my penis cut off. 
                          Two percent-
 
                                     STAN
                         We're in!

               [American Dental Association, a gleaming skyscraper, day. Then 
               the interior is shown, with all the dentists assembled. Dr. Roberts 
               speaks]
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         Fellow dentists: As you all know, we 
                         are still having numerous reports of 
                         missing teeth from all over the country. 
                         There are also reports of missing tooth 
                         fairy money. We believe that there can 
                         be only one logical reason for all of 
                         this.  A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel 
                          that steals either teeth or money from 
                         children as they sleep in order to build 
                         some kind of giant nest  for its genetically 
                         superior and potentially dangerous offspring! 
                         We believe also that this creature would 
                         have at least a mild understanding of 
                         algebra , and that it-
 
                                     DENTIST
                          Uh, excuse me? I think I have a more 
                         logical theory.
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         ...Yeah. Weh well, by all means, Mr. Foley, 
                         enlighten us!
 
                                     MR. FOLEY
                         I think what we've got here is some 
                         kind of black-market tooth racket. Something 
                         where one group is stealing the money 
                         and teeth from another group for a profit. 
                         
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize how ridiculous 
                         that sounds.
 
                                     MR. FOLEY
                         It's not ridiculous. It's very possible. 
                         I've seen it happen before.
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         Where?!

                                     MR. FOLEY
                         In Montreal. 

                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?!
 
                         
                                     MR. FOLEY
                          Look, I know how to handle this. All 
                         we have to do is bring down the kingpin 
                         and the rest will fall. You'll see! 
                         I'll have it taken care of in a matter 
                         of weeks!
 
                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         Uhyub-dub very well, Mr. Foley, you 
                         go on your wild goosechase and meanwhile, 
                         we'll deal with the real problems at 
                         hand. 
 
                                     MR. FOLEY
                         Well, I will! 

                                     DR. ROBERTS
                          Anyway, the half-chicken/half-squirrel 
                         would most likely be about three to 
                         four-and-a-half feet tall. His large 
                         beak is probably detachable, and works 
                         as a flotation device.
 
               [South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime in the cafeteria]

                                     BOY
                          Here! Here, over here, look! Look what 
                         I got- I got from the chef! 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     THE BOYS
                         Hey, Chef.

                                     STAN
                         We all want double-desserts today!
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Oh. Well, uh, I'm afraid that the school 
                         charges extra for that.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah? Well, that ain't nothin' but a 
                         thang. 
 
                                     CHEF
                          Oh my God! There has got to be at least 
                         fifteen dollars here!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right. Keep the change, my man.
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         Well! Look at you cute little crackers! 
                         With your money and your fancy clothes 
                         and your cell phones, it's almost like 
                         you were-  Oh my God, children! What 
                         have I told you about drugs?!
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         That there's a time and a place for 
                         everything, and it's called "college."
 
                         
                                     CHEF
                         That's right. And the only thing worse 
                         than doin' drugs is dealin' drugs! I'm 
                         gonna tell you about when I was your 
                         age and got offered drugs. 
 
                                     LITTLE CHEF
                         Ooo, come on, now.

                                     KID 1
                          Hey, kid. You wanna try some dope?
 
                         
                                     GIRL
                         What?

                                     KID 1
                         Come on, kid. Don't you wanna get high?
 
                         
                                     LITTLE CHEF
                         Hey, man, I don't need dope. Let me 
                         sing you a little song:
 
               
               I can't wait until I grow up

               and my weenie get and strong

               'Cause when it does I'm gonna bust

               And make love to Amanda all night long

               I'm gonna make love to Amanda in about ten years!

                                     KID 3
                          What?

                                     KID 2
                          What the hell is he talking about?
 
                         
                                     LITTLE CHEF
                          And that toothpick is gonna turn into 
                         an oak tree,...
 
                                     STAN
                         U-uh, Chef.

                                     LITTLE CHEF
                         I'ma knock you down, knock you up,...
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Chef!

                                     LITTLE CHEF
                         ...knock you over, and knock you all around.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         CHEF!

                                     CHEF
                         Uh?

                                     STAN
                         We're not dealing drugs!

                                     CHEF
                         You're not?

                                     STAN
                         No!

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, uh weh-ell, children, whatever you're 
                         doin', just remember this: havin' money 
                         may seem fun, but...  Ooh, uh-oh, never 
                         mind.
 
                                     THE BOYS
                         Thanks, Chef. 

                                     KYLE
                         See ya.

                                     CHEF
                         Damn, that little Amanda was fine! I'm 
                         gonna look her up. 
 
               [The boys return to the cafeteria with their food]

                                     STAN
                         Dude, having this much money is great! 
                         Working for Loogie rules!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie? 
                         We know how the trade works: why don't 
                         we do it ourselves and keep all the 
                         profit?
 
                                     STAN
                         We can't do that, dude. Loogie will 
                         kick our asses.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, what the hell is that little Pollack 
                         gonna do, huh? Come on, you guys. I 
                         say we create our own mob crime family!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, this book says there could be 
                         infinite alternate realities to every 
                         reality.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sure, Kyle.

               [Loogie's restaurant, night. Loogie's talking to someone on his 
               cell phone at table]
 
                                     LOOGIE
                         They're what?! They're not gonna pay 
                         me? Who the hell do they think they 
                         are? I want those South Park kids dead! 
                         I want their families dead! I want their 
                         houses burned to the ground!  Oh, hi 
                         there, Mister. My mommy and daddy are 
                         out front, if you need 'em.
 
                                     MR. FOLEY
                         Let's cut the crap, kid. My name is 
                         Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental 
                         Association.
 
                                     LOOGIE
                         Sit down, Mr. Foley. Do you want some 
                         spaghetti?
 
                                     MR. FOLEY
                          No thanks, I just brushed. I just wanted 
                         to let you know that I'm onto you.
 
                         
                                     LOOGIE
                         I told the ADA a thousand times: I know 
                         nothing about teeth. I'm just an 8-year-old 
                         boy who likes climbing trees and playing 
                         in puddles.
 
                                     MR. FOLEY
                         I am going to find out who the boss 
                         is! And when I do I'm gonna bust his 
                         ass and everyone's ass who helped hide 
                         his ass! 
 
               [Cartman's house, day, living room. He is seated behind a desk 
               talking to a boy]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So, you've brought me 400 lbs. of teeth 
                         from China.
 
                                     ODD BOY
                          That's right, yeah  . It's all top-grade 
                         stuff, too.These Chinese kids are selling 
                         their teeth for peanuts, see?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          How much?

                                     ODD BOY
                         Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but 
                         I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha, 
                         buh. Heh, ha-buh, what do you say, huh? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Can I ask you a question, Weasel?

                                     WEASEL
                          Awuh, hawuh, why, sure, sure.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Do you think I'm an idiot?

                                     WEASEL
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         These are cat teeth, you sonofabitch! 
                         You trying to sell me 400 lbs. of cat 
                         teeth?!  Get out of my sight!  Lousy 
                         little scum!  What?!
 
                                     BOY 2
                          This is your last chance, kid! Either 
                         you give the boss his cut, or else we're 
                         gonna throw your pal into the river 
                         wearing concrete galoshes!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I ain't giving you crap! Kenny's not 
                         afraid of you! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God, this book says that negative 
                         and positive are the same thing; that 
                         real and not real are one.
 
               [The river. Boy 2 hangs up]

                                     BOY 2
                         He's not gonna do it?!

                                     KENNY
                         (He's not gonna do it?!) 

                                     BOY 2
                         He's not gonna do it, boss!

                                     LOOGIE
                         Well then, throw him in. 

                                     BOY 1
                         Alright, kid. Time to die. 

                                     KENNY
                         (No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!) 
                         
 
                                     BOY 2
                         Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?
 
                         
               [News report, night]

                                     ANCHOR
                         ...to which Ms. Clinton replied, "I don't 
                         even like Vagina." Finally tonight, 
                         a human-interest story. Dan Akawa is 
                         live.
 
                                     DAN AKAWA
                          Thanks, Tom. I'm here at the house 
                         of little Billy Circlovich, um. Billy 
                         is in desperate need of a bone-marrow 
                         transplant  or he will most certainly 
                         die.  Billy, how much more money do 
                         you need for the transplant? 
 
                                     BILLY
                          Sih, six hundred dollar-. 

                                     DAN AKAWA
                         Louder, Billy, we can't hear ya!

                                     BILLY
                          Duh six hundred dohollars.

                                     DAN AKAWA
                         Well, that's a lot of money.How the 
                         hell are you gonna get all that in the 
                         short amount of time you have left?
 
                         
                                     BILLY
                         Well, I a-I don't know.

                                     DAN AKAWA
                         Well, Billy, I also understand that 
                         you lost a tooth today.
 
                                     BILLY
                         Yehahah.

                                     DAN AKAWA
                         Billy, we want you to put that tooth 
                         under your pillow tonight, because we 
                         have a feeling that the tooth fairy 
                          is going to leave you six hundred dollars 
                         for it!
 
                                     BILLY
                         Really?

                                     MR. CIRCLOVICH
                         Really?

                                     DAN AKAWA
                         Yes, really.  Six hundred dollars. I 
                         might also mention that Billy lives 
                         in Crestview Apartments, just off Arapaho 
                         Road on Emporia Street. Back to you, 
                         Tom.  How was that?
 
                                     MR. FOLEY
                          Perfect. The trap is set.

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone 
                         will fall for somethin' that stupid?
 
                         
               [The Cartman house. Cartman is in a hot tub, Stan and Kyle sit 
               nearby]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Six hundred dollars, you guys! Come 
                         on, get your stuff together!  This is 
                         gonna be tits!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Dude, this book says I don't exist 
                         unless I think I do. But what if I don't?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Will somebody take those books away 
                         from him?
 
               [The Circlovich house, night. A Rotary Phone Service van sits 
               out front. Switch to Billy's room. Dad hides the $600 behind 
               his back while Mom talks to Billy]
 
                                     MRS, CIRCLOVICH
                         Be sure to put your loose tooth under 
                         your pillow, Billy.
 
                                     BILLY
                         Okay-y, Mom. 

                                     MR. FOLEY
                          Thank you for helping out, gentlemen. 
                          If this sting operation works, some 
                         bogus tooth fairies should be showing 
                         up to take the sick kid's money. When 
                         they touch the kid's pillow, an alarm 
                         will sound, and that's when you hit 
                         the button, Murphy, and activate the 
                         lights. Everybody got it?
 
                                     DENTISTS
                         Got it.

                                     MURPHY
                          Duuuh, which button do I hit again, 
                         boss?  Just kidding. You know how there's 
                         always the dumb guy in sting operations 
                         in the movies? I was, you know I was 
                         actin', I was actin' like him, eheh, 
                         oh.
 
               [The highway, night. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle walk along a path 
               paralleling the highway. Cartman is dressed as the tooth fairy.]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hurry up, you guys. We've gotta get 
                         that sick kid's tooth fairy money before 
                         Loogie does.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can't deal with it, Stan. I mean, 
                         all the stuff I've been reading; I really 
                         don't think I exist!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, just stop thinking about it.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         But I can't, because, what if thinking 
                         about it is the only thing keeping my 
                         space-time together? 
 
                                     KENNY
                          (You guys! You guys, over here! ...Hey!)
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Sometimes I think I can see time slowing 
                         down,  and my own existence fading.
 
                         
               [The Circlovich house, the van.]

                                     BILLY
                          G'night, Mom. G'night, Dad.

                                     MR. FOLEY
                         Alright. Everyone, keep your eyes peeled. 
                         
 
                                     BILLY
                         I'm going to bed now, Mommy. I put my 
                         tooth under the pillow. Do you really 
                         think the tooth fairy will give me money 
                         for the transplant?
 
                                     MR. CIRCLOVICH
                         I think so, Billy. I think so.

                                     BILLY
                         Well, I can't wait to feel healthy and 
                         strong again.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait 
                         a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that 
                         600 bucks is mine!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Light is a wave unless it's observed? 
                         That means all matter is just a wave. 
                          Nothing's real! Reality in a nuh- Oh 
                         God, it's happening! 
 
                                     STAN
                          Kyle?

                                     MURPHY
                         Eh something strange is happening with 
                         the computers. 
 
                                     LOOGIE
                          Well, well, well. What do we have here?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Aw, shit.

                                     LOOGIE
                         Did you bastards really think you could 
                         hide from me forever? Kolovski , put 
                         this buttwipe out of his misery. 
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          I got it!

                                     BILLY
                          The tooth fairy! 

                                     MR. FOLEY
                         Let's move out! 

                                     LOOGIE
                         Aw, drat! 

                                     MR. FOLEY
                         Give it up, kids. You're surrounded 
                         by dentists.
 
                                     LOOGIE
                         It was a trap!

                                     MR. FOLEY
                         That's right. And now it's all exposed! 
                         You're through! The only thing left 
                         to do is to haul all you kids down to 
                         prison! 
 
                                     A VOICE
                         This is reality! I am everywhere , and 
                         nowhere.
 
                                     MR. FOLEY
                         What the hell?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         I am nothing, and everything.

                                     DR. ROBERTS
                         Well, I told you! 

                                     MR. FOLEY
                         Let's get outta here! 

                                     KYLE
                         Hunh. That was pretty weird.

                                     LOOGIE
                         Jesus! The little sick kid was a setup 
                         all along!  How could I be so stupid?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     LOOGIE
                         I can't believe I fell for such an obvious 
                         trap! What the hell is wrong with me?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Weh-well, uh, du-don't take it too hard, 
                         dude, uh. That's what grown-ups do.They 
                         lie. Lie right to your face.
 
                                     LOOGIE
                         Oh well. Maybe it's good my empire has 
                         fallen.
 
                                     STAN
                         Really?

                                     LOOGIE
                         Yeah. I kinda wanted to play in the 
                         flag football team this year anyways.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         So you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'?
 
                         
                                     LOOGIE
                         Naah. In a way, I'm just glad the whole 
                         thing's over with.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. But you know, I've learned something 
                         today. You see, the basis of all reasoning 
                         is the mind's awareness of itself. What 
                         we think, the external objects we perceive, 
                         are all like actors that come on and 
                         off stage. But our conscioousness, the 
                         stage itself, is always present to us.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Tits.

               [The Platte River, day. Kenny has turned to his left. As the 
               end credits roll, Kenny tries with great effort to make his way 
               to a bank. He hops a few times and lands in a hidden gully in 
               which he promptly drowns. A motorized chair is soon heard]
 
               
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmy!

               THE END

The Tooth Fairy's Tats 2000



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone  Nancy Pimental
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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