"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 401
"THE TOOTH FAIRY'S TATS 2000"
Written by
Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Nancy Pimental
[The Cartman house. Liane is sipping her coffee on the sofa.
She lowers it as Cartman screams]
CARTMAN
Mom! MOOOM! Mom! Seriously! Something
wonderful has happened!
LIANE
What is it, snookums?
CARTMAN
Mom, look! The tooth fairy! I put a
tooth under my pillow, and she gave
me two dollars! She's only given me
a lousy quarter before!
LIANE
Oh my! She must think that you are a
very special little muffin.
CARTMAN
Yeah! This is so tits!
LIANE
Don't say "tits," Eric.
CARTMAN
Oh, I mean, this is so cool!
LIANE
Well, then, now you should take that
money and open up a savings account
that has compounded daily interest.
CARTMAN
Heh, you can compound daily my ass with
interest, Mom; I'm goin' to the toy
store and buy me a skateboard!
LIANE
But Eric, I think maybe the tooth fairy
wants you to use that money to learn
about saving.
CARTMAN
Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy
wants me to do with this money, okay?
You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see
you later! Aw, man, this is so tits!
[The bus stop. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand around]
CARTMAN
Hey you guys! You're not gonna believe
this! Oh my God, you guys, seriously!
Just wait until you hear this, you
guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich! Aren't
you stoked?!
STAN
What the hell's wrong with Cartman?!
KYLE
He's fat and he's stupid?
CARTMAN
Look what the tooth fairy left me last
night!
STAN
Two dollars!
KYLE
No way!
STAN
For one tooth?
CARTMAN
For one tooth.
STAN
Dude, every time I lost a tooth I only
got a quarter.
KYLE
I only got a jar of gifelte fish.
CARTMAN
Well, that doesn't matter, because I
have an idea that is totally tits.
KYLE
...Totally what?
CARTMAN
Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's
being so cool to me. Maybe she's hot
for me. I don't know, but if we all
chip in with teeth, then I can hide
them under my pillow and we could get
enough money to buy a Sega Dreamcast.
STAN, KYLE, KENNY
Sega Dreamcast??
CARTMAN
All we need is teeth.
STAN
I already lost all my baby teeth.
KYLE
Me too.
KENNY
(Nuh-uh.)
KYLE
You still have baby teeth, Kenny?
KENNY
(No way!)
CARTMAN
Kenny, think about it. Don't you want
a Sega Dreamcast?
KENNY
(No I don't! Thank you.)
CARTMAN
Alright! Kenny's in, you guys! Tits!
[The school yard. Stan ties Kenny to a tetherball pole. The string
leads off to the right]
STAN
Okay, the string is tied to Kenny's
tooth. You ready over there?
KYLE
Almost. You ready, Timmy?
TIMMY
Timmiihh!
KYLE
When I say "go," you slam your electric
wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?
TIMMY
Timmiihh!
KYLE
Right. You're Timmy.
TIMMY
Timmiihh! Lemmeouttaheah!
KENNY
(Why the fuck does it have to be my
tooth?)
CARTMAN
I'll tell you why it has to be you,
Kenny: because your family is poor,
and therefore has bad oral hygiene,
so your teeth are gonna fall out someday,
anyway. If you think about it, you should
actually be thanking us. "Oh, thank
you, guys." You're welcome, Kenny.
KENNY
(Fuck you!)
KYLE
Alright! Get ready, Timmy.
TIMMY
Timmiihh!
BUTTERS
Heh-hey guys, uh, wu-what are you doin'?
STAN
What does it look like we're doing,
Butters? We need a tooth, so we're using
Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of
Kenny's.
BUTTERS
Oh. Heh, I got a loose tooth right here.
STAN, CARTMAN
You what?
KENNY
(You what?)
TIMMY
Timmih-
BUTTERS
Yyep. Oo-one of mine came out not two
hours ago.
STAN
Uh, Butters, could we have it?
BUTTERS
Wwell, heck no! Uh you can't have it.
Why, I'm gonna stick it under- my pillow
and get money from the tooth fairy.
She gives me fifty cents a tooth.
TIMMY
Ha-a-ugh.
BUTTERS
Well, uh, see ya, fellas.
KYLE
Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a
tooth out of Kenny's mouth.
STAN
Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth.
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
CARTMAN
How are we gonna get it from him?
STAN
I guess we'll have to sneak into his
house after he goes to sleep tonight.
KYLE
Yeah, let's go.
TIMMY
Go! Timmy go! Yeah, Timmy!
KYLE
No, Timmy, wait!
TIMMY
Engh go uh Timmy!
KENNY
(Hey, guys!) (Heey-ungh) (Oowww.)
CARTMAN
Hahahahahaha. Hey, you guys, I can see
Kenny's pengling, hahahahahaha.
TIMMY
Hu-aah!
[A house, night. Butters is asleep in his room. A pole rises
outside with a grinning Cartman dressed as a tooth fairy dangling
from it]
CARTMAN
Higher, you guys.
STAN
Jesus Christ, why did we pick the fat
guy to lift up in there?
CARTMAN
Agh! Careful, you assholes! To the
left, you guys, left. No, camera left,
camera left! That's it, now down.
BUTTERS
What the-? Who's there? Who is that?!
CARTMAN
I am the tooth fairy, my child.
BUTTERS
Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean
to gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now,
see?
CARTMAN
Sure. Now I will leave you tidings under
your pillow.
BUTTERS
Well, oh gosh, I, I didn't think you'd
be so fat.
CARTMAN
Ey!
KYLE
Come on, fatass!
CARTMAN
Do not open your eyes until morning.
Or else I will kick you in the nuts.
Square in the nuts.
BUTTERS
Yuh, yu-yes ma'am!
STAN
Well?
CARTMAN
Bull's eye!
[Cartman's house, later. He's being tucked in bed]
LIANE
Tucky tucky time, it's the best time
of the night.
CARTMAN
I love that song, Mom. Sing it again.
LIANE
No, honey, Mommy's gotta save her throat.
I have to work tonight.
CARTMAN
Okay.
LIANE
Good night. What do you have there,
Eric?
CARTMAN
Another tooth fell out today; I'm leavin'
it for the tooth fairy.
LIANE
Oh, my. The tooth fairy will have to
give you a big surprise for losing two
teeth in two days.
CARTMAN
I know, huh?
[The bus stop, next morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are there]
CARTMAN
You guys! Oh my God, you guys! You're
not gonna believe it! It's beyond rational
thought, you guys! Holy crap, you guys!
I mean-
KYLE
Did the tooth fairy come?
CARTMAN
Four dollars.
STAN
Oh my God!
KYLE
Four dollars?
KENNY
(Oh, my God!)
CARTMAN
Do you what this means?
STAN
Yeah. We just gotta keep finding teeth
and putting them under your pillow.
[Dentist office, some days later. A phone rings]
A DENTIST
Dentist office.
LIANE
Oh. Eh-hello, Dr. Roberts? It's Ms.
Cartman.
DR. ROBERTS
Oh, yes, Ms. Cartman. What can I do
for you?
LIANE
Well, it's my son. He's lost a lot of
his baby teeth, and I was starting to
get worried.
DR. ROBERTS
Well, losing baby teeth is a natural
thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he
lost?
LIANE
About a hundred and twelve.
DR. ROBERTS
...A hundred and twelve.
LIANE
Yes. Fifteen of them in one night. Perhaps
he should switch toothpaste?
DR. ROBERTS
Your son wouldn't happen to be an "alligator,"
would he? No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid
I can't help you right now. The American
Dental Association convention is this
week, but, as soon as I get back, I'll
look into it.
LIANE
O-oh, thank you. Freebie next week.
DR. ROBERTS
What?
[Cartman's room, dawn. He rises and throws his pillows off the
bed]
CARTMAN
Tih- Tooth? What the hell? Mom!
LIANE
Yes, Eric
CARTMAN
You know, the tooth fairy forgot to
bring me money last night! Call the
police!
LIANE
Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. Mommy has
something to tell you. It's just that-
well, there is no tooth fairy, Eric.
I've been putting all that money under
your pillow, and because you got so
many teeth fall out, I've actually run
out of money and can't go to the grocery
store for at least a month.
CARTMAN
You almost had me for a second there,
Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy."
I suppose you're gonna tell me there's
no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus,
either, heh, heh... M- Mom?
LIANE
I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out
sooner or later.
CARTMAN
Yi- you're serious here. There really
is no tooth fairy?
LIANE
No, honey. It's just-
CARTMAN
How could-? How could you lie to me,
Mother? Lie right to my face?
LIANE
Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a
child.
CARTMAN
How can I trust you? How can I trust
anyone ever again, Mother? I guess,
uh to make it through this life, I can
only trust myself. Myself and Willikins
Bear, of course.
LIANE
Eric! Eric, wait!
CARTMAN
No, Mother! No more lies!
[The Cartman house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait. Cartman exits
and walks down the street upset, ignoring his friends]
STAN
Dude, where's the money?
CARTMAN
There is no money.
KYLE
No more money??
STAN
What are you talking about, Cartman?!
We're only $167 away from gettin' a
Sega!
CARTMAN
I know!
KYLE
Cartman, what's going on?!
CARTMAN
You guys... Oh, God, I don't even know
how to tell you this.
STAN
Tell us what?!
CARTMAN
You guys, there's... there's no tooth
fairy, you guys. There, I said it.
KYLE
What do you mean, "there's no tooth
fairy?"
CARTMAN
My mom has been giving me the money
all this time, and your parents are
the ones who left you money.
STAN
Dude.
KYLE
That can't be. My parents wouldn't lie
to me.
CARTMAN
But now my mom has given us so much
money that she's bankrupt, and we're
poor, like Kenny. Don't touch me, Kenny.
KYLE
You're wrong. If my dad says something
is real, then it's real!
CARTMAN
Kyle, open your eyes, man!
KYLE
It's not true!
[The Broflovski house. Kyle enters the living room. Gerald is
on the sofa reading the newspaper]
KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, hello, son.
KYLE
Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
KYLE'S FATHER
What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little
talk.
KYLE
Oh my God! You did lie to me.
KYLE'S FATHER
No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like
Peter Pan.
KYLE
Peter Pan, too??
KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle...
KYLE
What about Moses and Abraham?
KYLE'S FATHER
Well, they were probably real.
KYLE
Probably?! Is Atlantis real??
KYLE'S FATHER
Probably not.
KYLE
Wahahahah!
KYLE'S FATHER
Look, Kyle, adults make up those things
because they're fun for children.
KYLE
Fun for children?! Fun for children?!
Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's
real anymore! Weaaaah!
[The town. The boys less Stan sit at a curb moping]
CARTMAN
Man, I can't believe all our parents
lied to us about the tooth fairy.
KYLE
What about Dan Rather? Do you think
he's real?
CARTMAN
No, man, that's just a TV show.
STAN
You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
CARTMAN
What? That your parents lied to you,
too?
STAN
Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get
our Sega Dreamcast!
CARTMAN
How?
STAN
Look, the tooth fairy is all made up,
right?
KYLE
All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
STAN
So all we have to do is go to a really
rich kid's house, put our tooth under
his pillow, wait for his parents to
leave him a whole buttload of money,
and then sneak back in and take it!
KENNY
(Woohoo!)
STAN
The kid will never even know.
CARTMAN
Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that
is big fat Oprah tits right there!
KYLE
Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
STAN
We can take the bus to the city. There's
super-rich people down there!
CARTMAN
Yeah.
KYLE
I mean, what if I'm just part of my
parents' reality?
STAN
Come on, Kyle!
KYLE
What if this is all just somebody's
dream?
[Cherry Creek, the wealthiest neighborhood in Colorado, night.
The bus pulls up to a curb and drops the boys off in front of
a three-story mansion]
CARTMAN
Wow, look at the size of these houses!
STAN
Totally, dude. Cherry Creek is the richest
part of Denver. I'll bet these kids
get at least ten bucks a tooth from
the "Tooth Fairy."
CARTMAN
Hey, that house looks perfect. There's
obviously kids living there.
STAN
There. You can tell this is the kid's
window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers
on it. Cartman, once you're in the kid's
room, leave the tooth under the pillow,
then come back out. We'll wait for the
parents to see it and leave money, then
swing you back in the house to grab
it.
CARTMAN
Got it.
STAN
This is the smartest business venture
ever.
CARTMAN
What the-?
STAN
Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?!
BOY 1
We're gonna sneak a tooth under this
rich kid's pillow, then come back and
collect the tooth fairy money that his
parents leave him.
STAN
...Hey, you can't do that!
BOY 2
Why not?!
STAN
Because that's what we're doing!
CARTMAN
Yeah! You ripped off our idea!
BOY 2
What the hell are you talking about?!
We've been doing this for over two years!
KYLE
Two years?
BLOND
Nice tooth fairy costume. You think
anybody'd believe you in that?!
CARTMAN
It's better than your dress! You look
like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!
BLOND
How dare you!
BOY 1
Look, this is our turf! You'd better
scram before the Boss breaks your legs!
STAN
You scram! We were here first!
RICH KID
What's going on? Oh! It's the tooth
fairies!
BOY 2
Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up!
STAN
You woke him up!
RICH KID
I don't have any loose teeth, Miss Fairies
but I have been a very good boy.
ALL
Shut up!
BOY 1
Alright, that does it! Come on, we're
going to see the Boss!
STAN
Who's the Boss?
BOY 1
Loogie.
[Loogie's Ristorante. The light above the door is the one that
flickers]
LOOGIE
My associates here tell me you were
working Cherry Creek tonight. Is that
true?
STAN
Uuh, yeah.
BOY 1
Right on our turf, Boss! I ain't ever
seen that kind of disre- Erp.
CARTMAN
We were there first!
LOOGIE
Kids have been doing the tooth fairy
racket in this town for years. I do
it just like my big brother before me,
and my oldest brother before that.
STAN
Damnit! And we thought we were so original!
LOOGIE
Let me ask you something: You were gonna
sneak a tooth under this rich kid's
pillow? Then what?
STAN
Well, uh-what do you mean?
LOOGIE
How are the kid's parents gonna know
there was a tooth under their child's
pillow?
BOY 1
Ha! You guys don't even know how the
tooth trade works!
STAN
What's a "tooth trade?"
LOOGIE
Look, any shmuck can sneak through a
window wearing a pretty dress. The tooth
racket is much more involved. We keep
careful track of what houses we've hit
so that we don't hit the same one twice
in less than two months. Inside the
house we not only have to sneak a tooth
under the pillow, but leave a note for
Mom and Dad to see.
DEAR
TOOTHFAIRY,
I LOST A TOOTH!
I PUT IT UNDER
MY PILLOW!
This is how we let the parents know to leave money under the
pillow. [the fairies ride through the neighborhood on their bikes]
Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over,
going back to the first house. But this time, all we have to
do is collect money. [shots of the tooth fairies cleaning up]
And the kids never know what hit 'em.
THE SOUTH PARK BOYS
Wow!
LOOGIE
The hardest part is getting teeth. We
tried various places. Cemeteries , hockey
games , anywhere we can find them
BEAT-UP BOY
Nooo!
LOOGIE
The teeth we do manage to acquire are
then sorted according to size, color,
and quality. But there's never enough
teeth. Never enough.
STAN
Amazing.
CARTMAN
Man, that is tits!
LOOGIE
And now my only problem is, what do
I do with you?
BOY 1
Rowwr!
LOOGIE
Tell you what: how would you like to
run the South Park tooth racket for
me?
STAN
Oh. Uh-I don't know.
LOOGIE
It's that, or else I can cut off your
penises.
CARTMAN
Hm. Work for you, have my penis cut
off. Work for you, have my penis cut
off. Hm's see...
KYLE
Cartman!
STAN
How much do we get if we work for you?
LOOGIE
I'll cut you in at 2%.
CARTMAN
Two percent, have my penis cut off.
Two percent-
STAN
We're in!
[American Dental Association, a gleaming skyscraper, day. Then
the interior is shown, with all the dentists assembled. Dr. Roberts
speaks]
DR. ROBERTS
Fellow dentists: As you all know, we
are still having numerous reports of
missing teeth from all over the country.
There are also reports of missing tooth
fairy money. We believe that there can
be only one logical reason for all of
this. A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel
that steals either teeth or money from
children as they sleep in order to build
some kind of giant nest for its genetically
superior and potentially dangerous offspring!
We believe also that this creature would
have at least a mild understanding of
algebra , and that it-
DENTIST
Uh, excuse me? I think I have a more
logical theory.
DR. ROBERTS
...Yeah. Weh well, by all means, Mr. Foley,
enlighten us!
MR. FOLEY
I think what we've got here is some
kind of black-market tooth racket. Something
where one group is stealing the money
and teeth from another group for a profit.
DR. ROBERTS
Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize how ridiculous
that sounds.
MR. FOLEY
It's not ridiculous. It's very possible.
I've seen it happen before.
DR. ROBERTS
Where?!
MR. FOLEY
In Montreal.
DR. ROBERTS
And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?!
MR. FOLEY
Look, I know how to handle this. All
we have to do is bring down the kingpin
and the rest will fall. You'll see!
I'll have it taken care of in a matter
of weeks!
DR. ROBERTS
Uhyub-dub very well, Mr. Foley, you
go on your wild goosechase and meanwhile,
we'll deal with the real problems at
hand.
MR. FOLEY
Well, I will!
DR. ROBERTS
Anyway, the half-chicken/half-squirrel
would most likely be about three to
four-and-a-half feet tall. His large
beak is probably detachable, and works
as a flotation device.
[South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime in the cafeteria]
BOY
Here! Here, over here, look! Look what
I got- I got from the chef!
CHEF
Hello there, children.
THE BOYS
Hey, Chef.
STAN
We all want double-desserts today!
CHEF
Oh. Well, uh, I'm afraid that the school
charges extra for that.
CARTMAN
Yeah? Well, that ain't nothin' but a
thang.
CHEF
Oh my God! There has got to be at least
fifteen dollars here!
CARTMAN
That's right. Keep the change, my man.
CHEF
Well! Look at you cute little crackers!
With your money and your fancy clothes
and your cell phones, it's almost like
you were- Oh my God, children! What
have I told you about drugs?!
THE BOYS
That there's a time and a place for
everything, and it's called "college."
CHEF
That's right. And the only thing worse
than doin' drugs is dealin' drugs! I'm
gonna tell you about when I was your
age and got offered drugs.
LITTLE CHEF
Ooo, come on, now.
KID 1
Hey, kid. You wanna try some dope?
GIRL
What?
KID 1
Come on, kid. Don't you wanna get high?
LITTLE CHEF
Hey, man, I don't need dope. Let me
sing you a little song:
I can't wait until I grow up
and my weenie get and strong
'Cause when it does I'm gonna bust
And make love to Amanda all night long
I'm gonna make love to Amanda in about ten years!
KID 3
What?
KID 2
What the hell is he talking about?
LITTLE CHEF
And that toothpick is gonna turn into
an oak tree,...
STAN
U-uh, Chef.
LITTLE CHEF
I'ma knock you down, knock you up,...
STAN
Chef!
LITTLE CHEF
...knock you over, and knock you all around.
STAN
CHEF!
CHEF
Uh?
STAN
We're not dealing drugs!
CHEF
You're not?
STAN
No!
CHEF
Oh, uh weh-ell, children, whatever you're
doin', just remember this: havin' money
may seem fun, but... Ooh, uh-oh, never
mind.
THE BOYS
Thanks, Chef.
KYLE
See ya.
CHEF
Damn, that little Amanda was fine! I'm
gonna look her up.
[The boys return to the cafeteria with their food]
STAN
Dude, having this much money is great!
Working for Loogie rules!
CARTMAN
Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie?
We know how the trade works: why don't
we do it ourselves and keep all the
profit?
STAN
We can't do that, dude. Loogie will
kick our asses.
CARTMAN
Oh, what the hell is that little Pollack
gonna do, huh? Come on, you guys. I
say we create our own mob crime family!
KYLE
Dude, this book says there could be
infinite alternate realities to every
reality.
CARTMAN
Sure, Kyle.
[Loogie's restaurant, night. Loogie's talking to someone on his
cell phone at table]
LOOGIE
They're what?! They're not gonna pay
me? Who the hell do they think they
are? I want those South Park kids dead!
I want their families dead! I want their
houses burned to the ground! Oh, hi
there, Mister. My mommy and daddy are
out front, if you need 'em.
MR. FOLEY
Let's cut the crap, kid. My name is
Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental
Association.
LOOGIE
Sit down, Mr. Foley. Do you want some
spaghetti?
MR. FOLEY
No thanks, I just brushed. I just wanted
to let you know that I'm onto you.
LOOGIE
I told the ADA a thousand times: I know
nothing about teeth. I'm just an 8-year-old
boy who likes climbing trees and playing
in puddles.
MR. FOLEY
I am going to find out who the boss
is! And when I do I'm gonna bust his
ass and everyone's ass who helped hide
his ass!
[Cartman's house, day, living room. He is seated behind a desk
talking to a boy]
CARTMAN
So, you've brought me 400 lbs. of teeth
from China.
ODD BOY
That's right, yeah . It's all top-grade
stuff, too.These Chinese kids are selling
their teeth for peanuts, see?
CARTMAN
How much?
ODD BOY
Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but
I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha,
buh. Heh, ha-buh, what do you say, huh?
CARTMAN
Can I ask you a question, Weasel?
WEASEL
Awuh, hawuh, why, sure, sure.
CARTMAN
Do you think I'm an idiot?
WEASEL
Huh?
CARTMAN
These are cat teeth, you sonofabitch!
You trying to sell me 400 lbs. of cat
teeth?! Get out of my sight! Lousy
little scum! What?!
BOY 2
This is your last chance, kid! Either
you give the boss his cut, or else we're
gonna throw your pal into the river
wearing concrete galoshes!
CARTMAN
I ain't giving you crap! Kenny's not
afraid of you!
KYLE
Oh my God, this book says that negative
and positive are the same thing; that
real and not real are one.
[The river. Boy 2 hangs up]
BOY 2
He's not gonna do it?!
KENNY
(He's not gonna do it?!)
BOY 2
He's not gonna do it, boss!
LOOGIE
Well then, throw him in.
BOY 1
Alright, kid. Time to die.
KENNY
(No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!)
BOY 2
Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?
[News report, night]
ANCHOR
...to which Ms. Clinton replied, "I don't
even like Vagina." Finally tonight,
a human-interest story. Dan Akawa is
live.
DAN AKAWA
Thanks, Tom. I'm here at the house
of little Billy Circlovich, um. Billy
is in desperate need of a bone-marrow
transplant or he will most certainly
die. Billy, how much more money do
you need for the transplant?
BILLY
Sih, six hundred dollar-.
DAN AKAWA
Louder, Billy, we can't hear ya!
BILLY
Duh six hundred dohollars.
DAN AKAWA
Well, that's a lot of money.How the
hell are you gonna get all that in the
short amount of time you have left?
BILLY
Well, I a-I don't know.
DAN AKAWA
Well, Billy, I also understand that
you lost a tooth today.
BILLY
Yehahah.
DAN AKAWA
Billy, we want you to put that tooth
under your pillow tonight, because we
have a feeling that the tooth fairy
is going to leave you six hundred dollars
for it!
BILLY
Really?
MR. CIRCLOVICH
Really?
DAN AKAWA
Yes, really. Six hundred dollars. I
might also mention that Billy lives
in Crestview Apartments, just off Arapaho
Road on Emporia Street. Back to you,
Tom. How was that?
MR. FOLEY
Perfect. The trap is set.
CAMERAMAN
Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone
will fall for somethin' that stupid?
[The Cartman house. Cartman is in a hot tub, Stan and Kyle sit
nearby]
CARTMAN
Six hundred dollars, you guys! Come
on, get your stuff together! This is
gonna be tits!
KYLE
Dude, this book says I don't exist
unless I think I do. But what if I don't?
CARTMAN
Will somebody take those books away
from him?
[The Circlovich house, night. A Rotary Phone Service van sits
out front. Switch to Billy's room. Dad hides the $600 behind
his back while Mom talks to Billy]
MRS, CIRCLOVICH
Be sure to put your loose tooth under
your pillow, Billy.
BILLY
Okay-y, Mom.
MR. FOLEY
Thank you for helping out, gentlemen.
If this sting operation works, some
bogus tooth fairies should be showing
up to take the sick kid's money. When
they touch the kid's pillow, an alarm
will sound, and that's when you hit
the button, Murphy, and activate the
lights. Everybody got it?
DENTISTS
Got it.
MURPHY
Duuuh, which button do I hit again,
boss? Just kidding. You know how there's
always the dumb guy in sting operations
in the movies? I was, you know I was
actin', I was actin' like him, eheh,
oh.
[The highway, night. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle walk along a path
paralleling the highway. Cartman is dressed as the tooth fairy.]
CARTMAN
Hurry up, you guys. We've gotta get
that sick kid's tooth fairy money before
Loogie does.
KYLE
I can't deal with it, Stan. I mean,
all the stuff I've been reading; I really
don't think I exist!
STAN
Dude, just stop thinking about it.
KYLE
But I can't, because, what if thinking
about it is the only thing keeping my
space-time together?
KENNY
(You guys! You guys, over here! ...Hey!)
KYLE
Sometimes I think I can see time slowing
down, and my own existence fading.
[The Circlovich house, the van.]
BILLY
G'night, Mom. G'night, Dad.
MR. FOLEY
Alright. Everyone, keep your eyes peeled.
BILLY
I'm going to bed now, Mommy. I put my
tooth under the pillow. Do you really
think the tooth fairy will give me money
for the transplant?
MR. CIRCLOVICH
I think so, Billy. I think so.
BILLY
Well, I can't wait to feel healthy and
strong again.
CARTMAN
Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait
a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that
600 bucks is mine!
KYLE
Light is a wave unless it's observed?
That means all matter is just a wave.
Nothing's real! Reality in a nuh- Oh
God, it's happening!
STAN
Kyle?
MURPHY
Eh something strange is happening with
the computers.
LOOGIE
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
STAN
Aw, shit.
LOOGIE
Did you bastards really think you could
hide from me forever? Kolovski , put
this buttwipe out of his misery.
CARTMAN
I got it!
BILLY
The tooth fairy!
MR. FOLEY
Let's move out!
LOOGIE
Aw, drat!
MR. FOLEY
Give it up, kids. You're surrounded
by dentists.
LOOGIE
It was a trap!
MR. FOLEY
That's right. And now it's all exposed!
You're through! The only thing left
to do is to haul all you kids down to
prison!
A VOICE
This is reality! I am everywhere , and
nowhere.
MR. FOLEY
What the hell?
CARTMAN
Kyle?
KYLE
I am nothing, and everything.
DR. ROBERTS
Well, I told you!
MR. FOLEY
Let's get outta here!
KYLE
Hunh. That was pretty weird.
LOOGIE
Jesus! The little sick kid was a setup
all along! How could I be so stupid?!
STAN
What?
LOOGIE
I can't believe I fell for such an obvious
trap! What the hell is wrong with me?!
CARTMAN
Weh-well, uh, du-don't take it too hard,
dude, uh. That's what grown-ups do.They
lie. Lie right to your face.
LOOGIE
Oh well. Maybe it's good my empire has
fallen.
STAN
Really?
LOOGIE
Yeah. I kinda wanted to play in the
flag football team this year anyways.
STAN
So you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'?
LOOGIE
Naah. In a way, I'm just glad the whole
thing's over with.
KYLE
Yeah. But you know, I've learned something
today. You see, the basis of all reasoning
is the mind's awareness of itself. What
we think, the external objects we perceive,
are all like actors that come on and
off stage. But our conscioousness, the
stage itself, is always present to us.
CARTMAN
...Tits.
[The Platte River, day. Kenny has turned to his left. As the
end credits roll, Kenny tries with great effort to make his way
to a bank. He hops a few times and lands in a hidden gully in
which he promptly drowns. A motorized chair is soon heard]
TIMMY
Timmy!
THE END
|
