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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 416


                           "THE WACKY MOLESTATION ADVENTURE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, day, Kyle's house. Kyle is playing football with 
               Ike on the front lawn. The football rests in front of Ike]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Come on. Throw the football, Ike.

                                     IKE
                          No on dahdo. 

                                     STAN
                          Dude!  You're not gonna believe what 
                         Cartman has!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hepatitis B?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, dickhole. Four tickets, 28th row, 
                         for the Raging Pussies!
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...You got Raging Pussies tickets??

                                     STAN
                         We're going tomorrow night! Cartman's 
                         got the bus schedule all figured out!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Hold on. I'll be right back. 

               [Kyle's house, living room. On the sofa Gerald reads a newspaper, 
               Sheila reads a book. Kyle rushes up to them]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mom, Dad, can I go with the guys to 
                         see the Raging Pussies?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         But all the guys are going!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle, you're not old enough, and those 
                         concerts are dangerous and vile.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But Mom, I-

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         The answer is no, Kyle!

                                     KYLE
                         Ugh! 

               [Kyle's house, front lawn. Kyle rejoins the boys]

                                     KYLE
                         My parents said I can't go.

                                     STAN
                          Well, of course your parents said you 
                         can't go!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dummy, you don't ask if you can go! 
                         I'm telling my parents I'm staying at 
                         Stan's house, Stan's telling his parents 
                         he's staying at Kenny's house, and Kenny's 
                         not telling his parents anything, 'cause 
                         they're alcoholics and they don't care!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     KYLE
                          Ah. Oh, now I already told them.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I guess you're screwed, then. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         No! It's alright! Just give me some 
                         time to work on them. I'll see you guys 
                         later. 
 
               [Kyle's house, living room. Kyle tries to persuade his parents]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         ...But what if I do a bunchof chores around 
                         the house? Come on, you're being unfair!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Alright. Fine, Kyle, you can go to the 
                         Raging Pussies concert if you clean 
                         out the garage, shovel the driveway 
                         and bring democracy to Cuba!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's Cuba?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         A communist country run by a dictator 
                         named Fidel Castro.
 
                                     KYLE
                         And do I have to shovel the whole driveway, 
                         or just the side the car is on?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         The whole thing.

                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, geez. 

               [Kyle's house, his bedroom, night. He's at his desk writing a 
               letter. He's done his other chores]
 
                                     KYLE
                         
                                     DEAR MR. CASTRO
                         
               
               My name is Kyle. 

               [thinks]

               I am an eight-year-old American boy who lives in South Park.
 
               
               [Centro Nacional de Cuba. Castro, flanked by an armed guard on 
               each side, is at his desk reading Kyle's letter]
 
               And if I had just one wish, just one wish in the whole world,
 
               
               If I had one wish it'd be for Cuba to change.

               [Castro sees a drawing of a sad Kyle holding a flower, which 
               fades to a sad Kyle writing his letter]
 
               Because I think that all the Cubans are in pain

               All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea

               [Kyle finishes a drawing of a sad rainbow coalition atop a world 
               globe]
 
               Doesn't mean a thing if Cubans aren't free

               [Castro see a drawing of a sad Kyle inside a small house]

               I just can't be very happy, that's certain

               [A picture of Kyle replaces his self-portrait on the paper]
 
               
               Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin'

               [Kyle finishes one last drawing of himself, which Castro sees 
               last]
 
               Oh, won't you search your soul and find a way to change your 
               mind?
 
               That is my one and only wish.

                                     CASTRO
                         ¡¡Llamen a todos junto!!

               [Kyle's house, living room, next day. He and his parents watch 
               TV and a news brief comes on. Kyle smiles, his parents are stuned]
 
               
               Reporter	Once again, this does marks the end of Communism in 
               Cuba. Cuban dictator Fidel Castro claims he was finally convinced 
               by a young boy's letter. [A shot of Kyle behind a wooden fence 
               comes up] Now the country is again open to American tourism. 
               [shot of Sheila and Gerald stunned] Plans can finally resume 
               for Knott's Berry Farm Cuba. [Sheila and Gerald look at each 
               other]
 
                                     KYLE
                          I did it! Now I can go to the Raging 
                         Pussies!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No you can't!

                                     KYLE
                          What??

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, your mother and I don't want you 
                         going to the Raging Pussies concert! 
                         We gave you a chore that we thought 
                         was impossible. You weren't supposed 
                         to actually do it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But I did! Ah, I brought -democracy 
                         to Cuba!
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         We know, Kyle, but we just don't want 
                         you going to their concert.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But that's not fair! You lied to me!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, perhaps we handled this wrong, 
                         buh- but you need to understand that 
                         we don't want-
 
                                     KYLE
                         What I understand is that you totally 
                         screwed me over!! So why should I have 
                         to listen to you?!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Because we're your parents!

                                     KYLE
                         We I wish I didn't have any parents! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kyle!

               [Kenny's house, front steps. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the 
               steps as Kenny plays on the lawn with a fire truck]
 
                                     KYLE
                         It's so unfair! How can my parents do 
                         that to me?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, 
                         dude. They get off on it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         They're evil! I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE ANY 
                         PARENTS!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, you... could make them... go away 
                         for a while.
 
                                     KYLE
                         How?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I mean, you... could... call the police 
                         and have them take your parents away.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         The police?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta 
                         do is call the police and say that your 
                         parents both molestered you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know, but it works. When I wanted 
                         to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, 
                         I just called the police, and said he 
                         was molestering me, and I haven't seen 
                         him for three months.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Wow! Three months without parents!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Wow, that is awesome!)

                                     STAN
                         But what do the police do to them?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Who cares? My parents deserve whatever 
                         they get. They're liars and cheats.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You have to make it convincing, though, 
                         when you call the police. You have to 
                         be like,  "my parents molestered me."
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          "My parents molestered me."

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, but you've gotta cry, like this: 
                          "My parents molestered me."  And then 
                         they'll say somethng like, "Was it a 
                         good touch or a bad touch?" and you 
                         say  "Ih, it was a good touch" or- no 
                         wait,  you say it was a bad touch.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What's "bad touch"?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Something about a swimsuit - I don't 
                         remember, but you definitely answer 
                         "bad touch."
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, molestered, bad touch.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, And cry.  Oh, he's ready.

               [Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Police and press gather round 
               as the four boys and Ike watch by the driveway. Gerald and Sheila 
               exit the house followed by two policemen. Two reporters try to 
               ask them questions as cameras go off all around them]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh my God, this isn't happening. I would 
                         never touch my children like that.
 
                         
                                     CASE WORKER
                          You do have the right to remain silent, 
                         ma'am. I suggest you use that right.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Ugh, pleae, just listen to me!  What 
                         about my children? Who will take care 
                         of them?
 
                                     CASE WORKER
                         Oh, now you care?! They're going to 
                         live with their grandmother.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Their grandmother's been dead for three 
                         years.  You're not listenng to me. Kyle, 
                         tell these people that your  mother 
                         never raped you! Tell them! It's my 
                         fault. Say it! Tell them right now!!
 
                         
                                     CASE WORKER
                          They'll never be able to hurt you again. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cool, thanks.

                                     CASE WORKER
                          Alright, folks. Our work here is done. 
                         
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                          Alright! 

               [Kyle's house, living room, shot of the hallway and stairs. "Old 
               Time Rock 'N' Roll" plays And so... Kyle slides into view in 
               his hat and underwear, facing away from the camera. He looks 
               left and his sunglasses are shown. As the first words are sung, 
               Kyle faces the camera and lip-syncs to them. With Chinpoko Mon 
               around them, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman jump gleefully up and down 
               on the sofa. In the kitchen Ike sticks a fork into the toaster. 
               Kyle dances some more.
 
               
               Next scene is the Raging Pussies concert outside and inside a 
               stadum. The four boys are in the audience, and Kyle is still 
               in underwear.
 
               
               Next scene shows kids from all over descend on Kyle's house for 
               a party at night. Everyone dances inside, some kids are eating 
               pizzaand Kyle is still in underwear]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude! Having no parents is awesome! 
                         I'm gonna say my parents molestered 
                         me, too.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, yeah! We should all say our parents 
                         molestered us!
 
                                     KIDS
                         Yeah, uh huh, woo hoo!

               [Stan's house, living room. He's on the phone crying. Next scene, 
               his parents are hauled off by five cops. Shelley is shocked to 
               see her parents go, but Stan begins to dance. She looks at him 
               angrily and begins to pull her fist back. Stan stops dancing 
               and points at her. A cop hauls her off. Stan resumes dancing.
 
               
               
               
               Cartman's house, front door. The door opens and Liane is hauled 
               out, then one man, then Chef. Cartman appears after them and 
               stops at the door, and waves goodbye to them.
 
               
               South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's class. In front of the 
               class, she's hauled off. Then Principal Victoria is taken away, 
               and then Mr. Mackey, as Butters accuses him of somethng to the 
               case worker.
 
               
               Four panes appear, with a child in each one calling the police
 
               
               
               
               CANYON CITY

               MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON

               [Stan's house, day. Stan, Kyle, and Ike sit on the sofa watching 
               TV]
 
                                     TV ANNOUNCER
                         The following hot presentation is for 
                         mature audiences only.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! Come out here! 

               [Downtown South Park. The sky is a deep blue and the streets 
               are clear of snow. Token, Butters and Kenny stand behind Filmore 
               and his friend. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Clyde]
 
                                     STAN
                         What's going on?

               Cartman?	Notice anything? [before them the town sits empty as 
               the sun sits between two mountains in a red sky.] Watch. [takes 
               a stone and throws it hard. It flies through the air and goes 
               through a first-floor window on a building two blocks away]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         ...Nothing.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, nothing. There's not an adult 
                         left in town.  They've all been arrested, 
                         and the ones that weren't arrested have 
                         moved away because they're scared of 
                         being arrested
 
                                     KYLE
                         Not one adult left?

                                     STAN
                          ...Then it's ours. The whole town. It's 
                         ours.
 
               [The Rockies, some days later. A car winds its way down the winding 
               road in a snow storm]
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Oh, sweetie, I have no idea where we 
                         are.
 
                                     MAN
                         I haven't seen a road marker for miles. 
                         What was the last highway we were on?
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         There has to be a town around here somewhere.
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         Maybe you're reading the map wrong.
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Hey, it was your idea to take the backroads. 
                         
 
                                     MAN
                         What the?  Oh no. No, no, no, no.

                                     WOMAN
                         What's the matter with it?

                                     MAN
                          I have no idea. Oh, we're gonna have 
                         to find some help quick. We're not gonna 
                         make it more than a couple of miles.
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Oh, look! There's a town up ahead.  
                         Smiley Town? That's a strange name.
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         Well, it'll have to do. It's probably 
                         the only town for a hundred miles. 
 
                         
               [Smiley Town, a beat-up gas station. The car rolls up and the 
               man and woman get out. The woman joins the man on the driver's 
               side of the car.]
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Hello? Is anybody here? 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hoh, hahh, can I- help you folks?

                                     MAN
                         ...Yes, we need a mechanic to look at 
                         our car.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, well-l-l, uh, I'm the mec-hanic, 
                         I guess. Woh-what seems to be the problem?
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         ...It's... just you here?

                                     BUTTERS
                         No, uh Craig's here, too.

                                     MAN
                         Oh, good.

                                     BUTTERS
                         But he's playing Spaceman right now. 
                         Huh. Hey, Craig! 
 
                                     CRAIG
                          What?

                                     MAN
                         Look we're in a bit of a spot here! 
                         I've got a very important job interview 
                         tomorrow morning in Breckenridge, so 
                         I have to get my car fixed fast! Is 
                         there another garage in town?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huuuhhhh, no.

                                     MAN
                         How about a phone? Can we just use the 
                         phone?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Phone here doesn't work. Haa-I'm afraid 
                         the only phone that does work... is over 
                         in Treasure Cove.
 
                                     MAN
                         Fine! Can you take us there?

                                     CRAIG
                         You... sure you wanna go to Treasure Cove?
 
                         
                                     WOMAN
                         Yes.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhh rrreeally are you sure?

                                     MAN
                         Yes.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, alright then.  Uh, show 'em where 
                         it is.
 
               [Downtown Smiley Town. Craig leads the couple down the streets 
               to a white line running down the center of a cross street]
 
               
                                     CRAIG
                          This is the end of Smiley Town. The 
                         only phone is somehwere in Treasure 
                         Cove. If you wanna find it, you're gonna 
                         have to cross the white line.
 
                                     MAN
                         Well, can you help us find the phone, 
                         please?
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Hell no! I'm not crossing the white 
                         line.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Why not?!

                                     MAN
                         Alright, let's just... go, Linda. I don't 
                         have time for Spaceman Spiff's little 
                         games.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Craig.

                                     MAN
                         What?

                                     CRAIG
                         It's Spaceman Craig. 

               [Downtown Treasure Cove. The couple walks into this town to the 
               sound of ominous music. The town looks worse than Smiley Town 
               does.]
 
                                     TWO SMALL VOICES
                          Carousel. 

                                     MORE VOICES
                         Nah nah nanah nah! 

                                     MAN
                         Look, there's an elementary school  
                         Come on, there might be some teachers 
                         inside. 
 
                                     LINDA
                         

               What is that? [the truck turns around and comes back]

               WAAH [raises a foot to avoid being hit by the truck. The truck 
               goes down the street, then turns around and returns once more, 
               stopping in front of the frightened couple]
 
               What do you want from us??

                                     MAN
                         Linda, it's a remote-controlled car. 
                          Looks like maybe there's a little camera 
                         on it. 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Mark, I don't like this.

                                     MARK
                         Relax, Linda, everything's fine.  Ow. 
                          Ow. 
 
                                     LINDA
                          What is it?! Acid?!

                                     MARK
                         No, ud, it's lemon juice.

                                     LINDA
                         Oh God! Are you blind?!

                                     MARK
                         No, it just really, really, really hurts!
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         Mark? Mark, look.  Well, hello. What's 
                         your name?  What- what do you want?
 
                         
                                     JENNY
                         We wanna play.

               Linda	[panicked, rises] Mark, I'm scared!

                                     MARK
                          Don't be scared. They're just kids. 
                          Where are your parents?!
 
                                     FILMORE
                         We already played with our parents.
 
                         
                                     JENNY
                         How, we wanna play wit' youuuu. 

                                     MARK
                          ...Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked 
                         me out.
 
                                     KINDERGARTNERS
                          We wanna play wit' you! 

                                     MARK
                         Get off me! 

                                     LINDA
                         Oh God, Mark! Help! 

                                     FILMORE
                          Oh no! She's crossing the white line!
 
                         
                                     KINDERGARTNERS
                         Whoa! 

                                     KINDERGARTNER
                         Spitwads! 

                                     CRAIG
                          Take that, kindergartners!

                                     KINDERGARTNERS
                         Ew! 

                                     MARK
                         What the hell is gong on here?!

                                     CRAIG
                          Kindergartners. Treasure Cove is full 
                         of them.
 
                                     MARK
                         Alright, kid! We demand to see an adult 
                         this instant!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         I got new orders. I'm supposed to take 
                         you to see the mayor.
 
                                     MARK
                         The mayor! Good! Finally!

               [Smiley Town City Hall, day. Pictures of Cartman adorn the building 
               and the path to the front door. A large inflatable King Kong 
               floats above the snow and is tethered to the ground below. Craig 
               and Butters liead Mark and Linda into the Mayor's office, where 
               they face Cartman behind the desk, and two other boys. Clyde 
               Frog sits on the desk at Cartman's right side, and his boombox 
               is at left.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cotner. Won't you 
                         come in, please?  Mr. and Mrs. Cotner, 
                         as the mayor of Smiley Town, I would 
                         like to ask you a few questions.
 
                                     LINDA
                         You're the mayor? What the hell is gong 
                         on here?! Where are your parents?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Parents?  Ah, you mean the birth-givers. 
                         They're not around.
 
                                     MARK
                         No parents in the entire town? What 
                         happened to them?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, see, I am the mayor of Smiley 
                         Town, and so I will ask the questions 
                         around hyah!
 
                                     LINDA
                         Look, just point us to a phone, kid, 
                         alright?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eheh, I'm afraid you'll find all the 
                         phones... quite out of service.
 
                                     MARK
                         No phones, either? How do you communicate?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Butters, I need an ETA on the car, 
                         stat. 
 
                                     MARK
                         Alright, we've had just about enough 
                         here! That's the most ridiculous thing 
                         I've ever seen! I don't care what little 
                         games you kids wanna play, we just want 
                         outta here, alright? 
 
                                     BUTTER'S VOICE
                         It's gonna be about three days. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          So, it appears that you need me. Which 
                         is good, because... I need you, too.  
                         Ringy-ding?
 
                                     MARK
                         I have the job interview of my life 
                         in Breckenridge! Just tell me how to 
                         get to a phone or a car!
 
                                     ASSISTANT
                         Spitball!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaahh!  You sons of bitches!  You see 
                         what we're dealing with here. Tonight 
                         is Carousel. And they will try to kill 
                         one of us. Eh, you two seem to have 
                         the uncanny ability to cross the white 
                         line. If you help us, we'll get you 
                         what you need. 
 
               [Dividing line at the John Elway Memorial Park. The couple enters 
               the park, Mark on the left side of the line, Linda on the right 
               side]
 
                                     LINDA
                         Mark, are we doing the right thing?
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         Look! If getting the stupid book will 
                         get me a cell phone, I don't care!
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         I just don't know if you're dealing 
                         with these kids the right way.
 
                                     MARK
                          Well, I told you I can't deal with 
                         kids, Linda! That's why I don't want 
                         to have children!
 
                                     LINDA
                          Hey, I think you'd make a great father.
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         Oh, let's not go through this again, 
                         Linda. D-  Look, here's the book they've 
                         been talking about-  it makes no sense.
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         My God! Mark!  What is it??

                                     MARK
                         It's a boy.  They... killed him.

                                     LINDA
                         The bastards. Oh, Mark, let's get out 
                         of here.
 
                                     KINDERGARTNERS
                         Nah nah nanah nah!

                                     LINDA
                         Na-a-ah! 

                                     MARK
                         Oh no! 

                                     LINDA
                         Mark!

                                     MARK
                          Uh. The fat kid told us to take it. 
                         
 
               [Treasure Cove Elementary, evening. Inside, Mark and Linda are 
               tied, asleep and backs to each other, next to a bonfire.]
 
                                     MARK
                          Wuh. Aah! Mark! Mark, wake up! 

                                     KIDS
                         Nah nah nanah nah! 

                                     STAN
                         You guys, stop it!  Sorry about them. 
                         Kindergartners are kind of spazzes.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Yeah. 

                                     MARK
                         Why are you doing this?

                                     STAN
                         How come you wanna help the fatass?!
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         Who?

                                     KYLE
                         The fatass. The mayor.

                                     MARK
                         Look, I have the job interview of my 
                         life in less than-  -12 hours! I just 
                         need a phone, and he said he'd help 
                         me if I took your book so you couldn't... 
                         kill them anymore.
 
                                     STAN
                         You got foolied, outlander! We're the 
                         only ones with a working phone. And 
                         if you had taken our book, then it's 
                         one of us who dies tonight at Carousel!
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         Uh, how did this all happen? Why do 
                         you children live in this town alone?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Because we do. It was like this yesterday, 
                         and the day before that.
 
                                     LINDA
                         But what about before that?

                                     STAN
                         You mean in the Before time? In the 
                         long, long ago?
 
                                     LINDA
                         Yes!!

                                     STAN
                         If we tell you, will you help us stop 
                         Fatass?
 
                                     MARK
                         I'll do anything to get to a phone!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Alright. Everybody gather round. We're 
                         gonna tell the story of the Before time 
                         again.
 
                                     KIDS
                         The Before time.

                                     BOY
                         The story of the Before time.

                                     STAN
                          Way back, in the long long ago, we 
                         all lived by the birthgivers' laws. 
                         But the birthgivers were unfair. They 
                         made us go to bed early and eat broccoli. 
                         
 
                                     KIDS
                         Yuck, yuck, yuck.

                                     STAN
                          And so the fatass came up with a way 
                         to have all the birthgivers disappear. 
                         , by using the magic M word. 
 
                                     KIDS
                         Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

                                     STAN
                         Soon we were without power, water, or 
                         fresh food. But we tried to survive. 
                         Under the guidance of... the Provider. 
                         
 
                                     KIDS
                         Provider. Provider.

                                     STAN
                         The fatass and us disagreed on how to 
                         worship the provider. The fatass tried 
                         to make us follow his way by making 
                         himself the school principal. So we 
                         made ourselves the superintendents of 
                         school. But then he just made himself 
                         the mayor. The town split sides and 
                         that's when the Provider got angry. 
                         
 
                                     KIDS
                         Boo!

                                     BOY
                         Bwack bwack!

                                     KIDS
                         Coosh!

                                     STAN
                         So now, every night, the Provider must 
                         be appeased at Carousel. We need their 
                         book so one of ours doesn't die. 
 
                         
                                     KIDS
                         Carousel, Carousel.

                                     STAN
                         We all know that one day, the Provider 
                         will set us free. Make everything like 
                         it was in the before time. In the long, 
                         long ago.
 
                                     MARK
                         Ah-ah-ah-ah,let me get this straight: 
                         if I go get the fat kid's book on the 
                         other side of the white line, you'll 
                         show me where a cell phone is?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yes. No foolies.

                                     KIDS
                         No foolies.

               [Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, outside. The couple is still 
               inside]
 
                                     MARK
                         No, uh, it's it's it's right out here. 
                         Come on.  Linda, I want you to just 
                         go back to the car and wait for me, 
                         alright? I'll go get that fat kid's 
                         book so I can use their phone.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Mark, I'm scared. 

                                     MARK
                         I know, but this will all be over soon.
 
                         
               [Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day. Sheila, dressed in 
               prison orange, is brought into a large room to join the other 
               adults, and the door is locked behnd her.]
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, Gerald, I haven't seen you for so 
                         long!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hello, honey, how has prison been for 
                         you?
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Oh, it's awful! Just awful.

                                     SPEAKER
                         Alright parents, let's all take our 
                         seats.  My name is Scott Evans, and 
                         I am a prison rehabilitation counselor.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Uh, excuse me, but my wife and I honestly 
                         never touched our child.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Eh, neither did we.

                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         We didn't, either.

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Enough, enough!  Look, it's obvious 
                         we have a lot of emotional issues and 
                         personal demons to face here. During 
                         your prison time, you will all be spending 
                         one hour a day in therapy here with 
                         me. What I want you to do is learn to 
                         control those sick, sexual urges you 
                         have. Now we're gonna try an exercise: 
                         I'm gonna confront you with vwhat you 
                         lust after most.  Alright parents, now 
                         I, I know this is difficult, but I want 
                         you to just look at this child. Just 
                         try to suppress your urges to rape him. 
                          Just think about somethin' else. Think 
                         about clouds and beaches. Don't think 
                         about his supple, soft little body.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, that's disgusting!!! Now, now stop 
                         this!!
 
                                     MR. EVANS
                         Fight your urges, Mr. Broflovski!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I don't have any urges!

                                     MR. EVANS
                         I can't help you if you won't admit 
                         you need help!! Now sit down!  Look, 
                         I know this is very difficult for all 
                         of you. Most of you are still in denial 
                         about what you've done! To you it seems 
                         you've never raped your children at 
                         all! But you did. Help meeee help youuuu. 
                          Now let's try again.  Look at this 
                         young man. Just look. Don't rape. Fight 
                         it. Fight it!
 
               [Smiley Town, street. Linda walks out from behnd a van.]

                                     LINDA
                         Oh God, God, please just let us out 
                         of this place. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I thnk I found the problem, ma'am. A 
                         broken window roller-upper.
 
                                     LINDA
                          Oh no. NO!  Aaaah! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Where is your husband?

                                     LINDA
                         Uh, uh...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Seize her! 

               [Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, school gym. Mark has returned]
 
               
                                     MARK
                         Alright, I got the book for you. 

                                     STAN
                          Awesu-home!

                                     MARK
                         Now, can I please have the cell phone?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Sure, outlander. I'll get it 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Outlander! 

               [Treasure Cove Elementary, outside. Cartman, holding a taser, 
               leads the Smiley Town members to the school. Linda is bound and 
               gagged, but can still walk]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Outlander! We have your woman! She still 
                         lives, outlander! Outlander, her blood 
                         was fair!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oo what the heck are you talkin' about?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Butters, calm down, ahright?

               [Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day, meeting room.]

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Okay, so what are some other things 
                         that we can do besides molest our children?
 
                         
                                     MAN
                          See a movie?

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Sure, "see a movie"'s good.  We could 
                         see a movie instead of molesting our 
                         children. What else?
 
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                         Make a sweater?

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Uh huh. I'll put ah, "knitting, sewing." 
                          Who's got another one?
 
                                     BLOND MAN
                          Molest children?

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Nonono, we're looking for things to 
                         do besides molesting our children.
 
                         
                                     BLOND MAN
                         Oh. Fishing?

                                     MR. EVANS
                         Fishing's good. Uh huh. 

               [John Elway Memorial Park, night. The two towns meet at the deviding 
               line, Linda with Smiley Town, Mark with Treasure Cove.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I believe you have something of ours, 
                         outlander! Give it back, or the female 
                         gets it! 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Mmrrhhhh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, heheh.

                                     LINDA
                         Rrrmm-mmrrhh!

                                     MARK
                         Give him the book back.

                                     STAN
                         No. If they have it, one of ours will 
                         die for Carousel!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're running outu of time! Hand our 
                         book over, quick!
 
                                     MARK
                         Enough of this! You kids are all in 
                         big trouble! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         The Provider awakes!

                                     STAN
                         It's time for Carousel! Haha, your side 
                         doesn't have its book, fatass! That 
                         means someone on your side is sacrificed 
                         tonight.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, damnit! Alright.  It is decided. 
                          Butters, your turn. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh, I'm gonna be sacrificed to the Provider!
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         Stop right there! Nobody's killing anybody 
                         tonight!
 
                                     LINDA
                         Be careful, Mark. They'll nake you disappear 
                         with the M word.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, we'll call the police and say 
                         you molestered us, too.
 
                                     MARK
                         What? 

                                     BUTTERS
                         I'm here for you, Provider! Uh, take 
                         me! 
 
                                     MARK
                         Is that what happened to the adults 
                         here?! You lied to the police and said 
                         they molested you?! My God, they were 
                         your parents!
 
                                     STAN
                          Parents?

                                     MARK
                         The birth-givers! Your birthgivers. 
                          Don't you remember? They are your providers! 
                         Not some statue! And they're not up 
                         in some fantastical faraway land now. 
                          They're in prison. Probably crying 
                         themselves to sleep, cold and lonely 
                         and... I'm sure missing you all very, 
                         very much.  Your birthgivers took care 
                         of you. That's what their laws and their 
                         rules were for, because they love you, 
                         and they didn't want you to end up living 
                         like... th-this!  He won't take care of 
                         you. Your parents... your... providers... 
                         will.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Parents. Mom. Dad.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh boy, here it comes!

                                     MARK
                          If you want things to be the way they 
                         were in the before time, in the long, 
                         long ago, you all need to call the police 
                         and tell them you lied about them M 
                         word. 
 
                                     STAN
                         He's right, dude. Things were a lot 
                         better with our parents around.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I guess their rules did have a 
                         point. Things have gotten a lot worse 
                         in the ten days since they've been gone.
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         Ten days?? It's only been ten days since 
                         they left??
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Take him down. 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, uh, what are you doin'?? Ha-I'm 
                         ready to give myself to Mr. Elway.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Here's our cell phone, dude.  Will you 
                         call the police for us? 
 
                                     LINDA
                         Hey. Looks like you're not so bad with 
                         kids after all.
 
                                     MARK
                         Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe we 
                         should have some.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Yeah, right. After all this, I'm getting 
                         my tubes ties tomorrow! 
 
               [South Park, day, neighborhood street. The town has been cleaned 
               up. The kids stand in front of a house waiting for a bus to roll 
               up. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Craig hold a banner among them which 
               reads, red letters on yellow background, "Welcome Home, PARENTS!" 
               Butters walks up]
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, you guys! Our parents are gonna 
                         be back any minute!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you think they're gonna pissed at 
                         us for lying that they molested us and 
                         sending them all to jail for ten days?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Well, they can't be too pissed off. 
                         I mean, we made them a banner.
 
                                     LINDA
                          Hey, kids.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, you guys came back!

                                     KYLE
                         Did you make it to your job interview?
 
                         
                                     MARK
                         Yeah. I got the job. You're looking 
                         at the new manager of Denny's in Breckenridge.
 
                         
                                     LINDA
                         And I got my tubes tied.

                                     KIDS
                         Alright!

                                     KYLE
                         Well, thnaks for everything, you guys. 
                         You really helped us see how important 
                         parents are.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Yeah.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey! Here they come! 

                                     KYLE
                         Mom! Dad!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Kids! 

                                     PARENTS
                         ...Come here, come here.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                          Oh, Kyle. Ike, sweetie, you're OK. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. We're fine.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Kyle, we're so sorry for the horrible 
                         sexual abuse over the years. But we're 
                         all better now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But you didn't do anything to me.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hup, we did. We've come to terms with 
                         it through therapy and learned to admit 
                         it.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It won't happen again. 

                                     KYLE
                          But, you guys, I-

                                     SHARON
                          Oh, Stanley, I wish we could take back 
                         all the years of abuse, but we can't.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                          We've learned to overcome it, son. 
                         You'll see.
 
                                     BUTTERS' FATHER
                         We love you, son, but we only love you 
                         in a platonic way from now on.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oo-what the heck are you talkin' about?
 
                         
                                     MRS. MCCORMICK
                          Kenny? Kenny, we're sorry. Where is 
                         he?
 
                                     JENNY'S MOTHER
                          Everything's gonna be alright now, 
                         Jenny.  Come on, let's go home. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh.

                                     KYLE
                         Huh.

                                     MARK
                          Well, what are you kids gonna do now?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I dunno.  You guys wanna build a snow 
                         igloo?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sure. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Snow igloos kick ass. 

               THE END

The Wacky Molestation Adventure



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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