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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS


 

                                       "SOUTH PARK"

                                       Episode 206

                               "THE MEXICAN STARING FROG"

                                        Written by

                                Trey Parker & Matt Stone



               [A television is on, and a new show seems to be on the air]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to Huntin' and Killin' 
                         with South Park's favorite hunters, 
                         Jimbo and Ned. 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is 
                         Ned. Say 'Hi', Ned.
 
                                     NED
                         M-hi, Ned.

                                     JIMBO
                          Now, idn't that great?  We have a terrific 
                         show for you today: we're gonna kill 
                         some elk, and we're gonna kill some 
                         mountain goats. Now, the new law passed 
                         by Colorado legislature, which Ned and 
                         I call 'Pussy Law #4', states that we 
                         can no longer kill animals in defense.
 
                         
               "PUSSY LAW #4"

               NO ANIMAL SHALL BE HARMED,

               EVEN IN SELF DEFENSE, UNLESS

               SPECIFIC LICENSE AND SEASON IS

               IN ORDER. SELF DEFENSE CAN ONLY

               BE JUSTIFIED BY EXTREME, PROVABLE

               PERIL AND OR DOCUMENTED VISIBLE

               BODILY HARM.

               In other words, our old line of 'It's comin' right for us'-
 
               
                                     NED
                         It's comin' right for us.

                                     JIMBO
                         -no longer works. So now, we only kill 
                         naimals to, quote, thin out their numbers. 
                         If we don't hunt, then these animals 
                         will grow too big in number and they 
                         won't have enough food. So you see, 
                         we have to kill animals, or else they'll 
                         DIE.  Uuh. So, roll the tape.  Here 
                         we are at Shafer's Crossing lookin' 
                         for some animals.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Looky, Ned, there are some deer!  Quick, 
                         Ned. Thin out their numbers!
 
                                     NED
                         Thin out their numbers! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Good work, Ned. Now, they won't starve.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         That sure was a great hunting trip. 
                         We saved those deer from extinction.
 
                         
                                     NED
                         Mmmwe're environmentalists.

                                     JIMBO
                         Comin' up next, we're gonna drop some 
                         napalm on an unsuspecting family of 
                         beavers. And also, try to thin out the 
                         numbers of some endangered species.
 
                         
               [South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison writes]
 
               
               vietnam

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What's Vietnam? A question a child might 
                         ask, but not a childish question. Heheheheheheheheheh. 
                         Children, for the next few days, we'll 
                         be learning all about Vietnam. Chances 
                         are that somebody in your own lives 
                         was affected by this incredible war.
 
                         
                                     MR. HAT
                         That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam 
                         War was sticky and icky.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Mr. Garrison. Were you in Vietnam?
 
                         
               [Mr. Garrison frowns as he seems to recall an incident in that 
               war. An injured man is dragged to a helicopter as fresh troops 
               wait to replace him]
 
                                     INJURED MAN
                         Aaawwwgh. Aaawwwgh.

                                     LEADER
                         Come on, men! Jump out of the chopper!
 
                         
                                     TROOPER
                         Call the doctor! Call the doctor!

               [The class is waiting. Now Mr. Garrison is smiling as the next 
               scene begins. A group of men is seen disrobed and bathing. At 
               the end of it, he laughs to himself]
 
                                     MAN 1
                         Who's next to take a shoowwerr?

                                     MAN 2
                         Me-ee.

                                     MAN 3
                         I am.

                                     MAN 1
                         You just took one last week, silly.
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                         Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, I wasn't in Vietnam. But sometimes, 
                         I like to pretend I was. Anyway, children, 
                         I'm going to assign you all a paper.
 
                         
                                     CLASS
                         AAWWWW!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Son of a bitch.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I want you all to find somebody in your 
                         own life who was in Vietnam, and interview 
                         them about it.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         What if we don't know anybody who was 
                         in Vietnam?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Then you get an 'F', fail the third 
                         grade, and have to get a job cleaning 
                         septic tanks to support your drug habit.
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         Oh.

                                     STAN
                         Dude. My uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hey yeah. He and Ned do that stupid 
                         TV show.
 
               [Back to Huntin' and Killin']

                                     JIMBO
                         And now, time for

               Jimbo's

               Mysteries

               of the

               Unexplained

               [the letters are wavy and uneven. The boys come to see the taping] 
               One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some 8mm film 
               of what he claims to be the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern 
               Sri Lanka. Now, as you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of 
               Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. 
               If a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they 
               can be paralyzed, or even die. And this film proves that that 
               frog may very well exist. [it plays. Shown is a snowy field, 
               with the camera looking from behind some blades of grass] Now 
               watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican staring frog. [nothing 
               seems to be happening] There! There, did you see it? Roll that 
               back again! [the film is replayed] Now, freeze it! [the film 
               is frozen, and there's an object flying through the air.] Well, 
               I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say now! What 
               do you think, Ned?
 
                                     NED
                         Mwhoa, I'm scared.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, be sure to join us next time. 
                         Until then
 
               We're so glad you spent your time with us

               While we slaughtered our way through nature's guts

               Come again and stay a while

               We'll kill a lot more living things to make them bleed

                                     NED
                         Mmgood night.

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         Aand we're cut. Great show, guys.

                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, looky who's here. My little nephew, 
                         Stanley.  So, you're interested in your 
                         Uncle Jimbo's big TV show, huh?
 
                                     STAN
                         No. We have to do a stupid report on 
                         Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys 
                         we know who were there.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Oh. Yeah, we sure were.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Was it fun?

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, what kind of stupid-ass question 
                         is that?! Of course it was fun!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Well, sure Vietnam was fun. But not 
                         like goin-to-the-circus fun, or fly-fishin-in-Montana 
                         fun. No, Vietnam was more like shovin' 
                         shards of broken glass up your ass and 
                         then sittin' in a tub of Tabasco sauce 
                         fun.
 
                                     STAN
                         Whoa!

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeppur, that's where me and Ned met. 
                          I remember I had just gotten off the 
                         Ferris wheel.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day! 

                                     SERGEANT
                         Kern, get over here! The new privates 
                         are here. I'm assigning one of them 
                         to you as a trainee. Ned Gerblansky. 
                         
 
                                     NED
                         Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir.

                                     SERGEANT
                         Thanks, Ned. Now, the bad guys have 
                         been spotted about ten clicks north 
                         of here. I know that you and Kern are 
                         best suited to take them out. Are you 
                         up for it?
 
                                     JIMBO, NED
                         Sir, yes, sir! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Soon it was all on just me and Ned to 
                         win the war for America.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?
 
                         
                                     NED
                         Certainly. And would you like another 
                         muffin as well?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Why the hell not? We're at war.  Hey, 
                         you know those things are bad for your 
                         throat.
 
                                     NED
                         No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies, 
                         at 2 o'clock!
 
                                     JIMBO
                          I see 'em! Drop the bomb!

                                     NED
                          The bomb's not releasing!

                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, no!

                                     NED
                         It won't budge.

                                     JIMBO
                         Then we only have one option. 

                                     NED
                         What are you doing, man!

                                     JIMBO
                         We have to take 'em out, Ned! At all 
                         costs! Die, you red Commie bastarts!! 
                         
 
                                     NED
                          Jeeaawwww!

                                     JIMBO
                          Eeeeehhhh-oh no! Out of ammo!  We did 
                         it, Ned! We killed the entire Viet Cong 
                         army!
 
                                     NED
                         Whoopie! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Let's get back to base camp. We can 
                         ride the log ride before it closes! 
                         
 
                                     JIMBO
                         And that's the way it happened, boys.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Wow!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Man, Vietnam was sweet!

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         

               Entertainy

               Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!

                                     JIMBO
                         Wow!

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         They've gone from six people, to twelve.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Holy Smokes! We could get an Emmy!
 
                         
               [South Park Public Access. The set of Jesus and Pals]

                                     PRODUCER
                         We've got to do it, J. Your ratings 
                         are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned 
                         hunting show.
 
                                     JESUS
                         But I don't really care about that.
 
                         
                                     PRODUCER
                         Wuhell, you'd better care, Mr. Smarty 
                         Pants. No ratings means no show. If 
                         you want to keep reaching out to people, 
                         you have to keep up with the times.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                          (Tsk) ooh, alright.

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         Aright we're ten second to air, guys.
 
                         
                                     PRODUCER
                         Remember: big, big, big. 

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         And five, four, three,… 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                          It's your Hour of Power on Mission 
                         Mountain Cable Access! Put your hands 
                         together and welcome the only man in 
                         town who always has a fully-stocked 
                         wine cellar, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus 
                         Christ. 
 
                                     JESUS
                         Uuuh. Hi.  Uh, yeh-yeah, okay. Beginning 
                         today, we're taking the show in a new 
                         direction.  We've got some very interesting 
                         people coming on the show this week 
                         for you, our viewers. Today's guest 
                         is- TV's Gilligan. Mr. Bob Denver.
 
                         
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          And here's uh Booooobbb Denver. 

                                     JESUS
                         Hi, Bob Denver.

                                     BOB
                         Hi, Jesus. Great to be here ahem.

                                     JESUS
                          So. Bob. So, yu-you just get in town?
 
                         
                                     BOB
                         Yup. Just got in.

                                     JESUS
                          So. Um. Su-so, wwhat have you been 
                         up to?
 
                                     BOB
                         Nn-nothing. Nothing really at all. 
 
                         
               Disciples

                                     LEAD SINGER
                         Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
 
                         
               You've gotta have somethin'…

                                     JESUS
                          Oh boy.

               [South Park Elementary. Stan is presenting his group's report]
 
               
                                     STAN
                          …and after killing the entire Viet 
                         Cong army, they returned to base camp. 
                          Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop 
                         roller coaster and ate cotton candy. 
                         And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart 
                         for his courageous defense of the log 
                         ride.  So was the horror of Vietnam. 
                         The End.
 
                                     ALL FOUR
                         The End.

                                     KYLE
                         Are there any questions?  Yes, Mr. Garrison?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes, uh.  Where the fuck did you hear 
                         this ridiculous load of bullshit?! 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         From a Vietnam veteran.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, boys, it's obvious to me that 
                         you didn't do your work, and that you 
                         stayed up all night thinking up some 
                         ridiculous lie!
 
                                     STAN
                         No, no, we didn't-

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You all receive an F. Minus.

                                     KYLE
                         F minus? Can he do that?

                                     STAN
                         But-eh, but we're not making it up! 
                         And wuh-
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Stanley, the Vietnam war was war! There 
                         weren't galloping steeds or singing 
                         birds or logrides!
 
                                     KYLE
                         How do you know?! You weren't even there!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well that's it! All of you have detention 
                         for the rest of the week!
 
                                     THE GROUP
                         Aawwww!

               [After school, at the cafeteria. Mr. Mackey is supervising]
 
               
               DETENTION

               QUIET!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Too bad.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Welcome to detention. Mkay. Mr. Garrison 
                         told me about your little joke. Important 
                         for you all to know why you are in detention. 
                         For you to obtain the full benefits 
                         from it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're dead, Stan.

                                     STAN
                         For what, dude?

                                     KENNY
                         (Just face it, dude, your uncle's stupid!)
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          You're here because you are inferior, 
                         mkay? You're here because you are awkward, 
                         mkay?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, thanks a lot, Stan, for having 
                         such a cruel uncle that got us all detention 
                         for a week!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, dude. Your uncle Jimbo sucks ass!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Shh! 'Kay?

                                     STAN
                         Why would he just invent a story instead 
                         of telling us the truth?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, let's see. Maybe 'caauuse he's 
                         an old drunk hillbilly dick!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Shh! 'Kay?

                                     KYLE
                          We've gotta get him back, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Totally!

                                     STAN
                         How?

                                     KYLE
                         Well, he screwed us by makin' something 
                         up; I say we do the same thing!
 
                                     STAN
                         Whattaya mean?

                                     KYLE
                         Did you guys ever see that one Brady 
                         Bunch where the guy bzzzt…
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          That sounds sweet. Ah, yeah, sweet. 
                         Yeh, super sweet! Ahyes!
 
               [Jimbo and Ned back on the set]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         And now back to Huntin' and Killin' 
                         with South Park's favorite hunters, 
                         Jimbo and Ned.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Welcome, hunters. Boy, have we got a 
                         show for you today! We have just received 
                         a tape from another viewer who filmed 
                         the Mexican staring frog of Southern 
                         Sri Lanka right here in South Park.
 
                         
                                     NED
                         Aaaaa.

                                     JIMBO
                         Yes, now we're about to roll the film, 
                         but remember: if you look the Mexican 
                         staring frog in the eyes, you could 
                         go catatonic. We don't know if this 
                         applies to pictures of the frog or not, 
                         but who wants to take chances? So when 
                         we roll this film, be sure to look away. 
                          Okay, roll the film, Tom.  Is it over?
 
                         
               END

               Okay, it's over. [they lower their arms and sit up] Well, there 
               you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog of 
               Southern Sri Lanka exists. And you saw it here, on the Jimbo 
               and Ned show.
 
               [Cartman's house. The boys are looking at the show and smiling]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I can't believe they fell for 
                         it!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, what a couple of dumbasses.

                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, it's like killing a dead pig 
                         and a turkey.) 
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on! We've gotta make another one! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Lying kicks ass!

               [Jesus and Pals]

                                     PRODUCER
                         Jesus!

                                     JESUS
                         Yeah.

                                     PRODUCER
                         We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned 
                         show made up some ridiculous staring 
                         frog story and jumped another two points 
                         in the ratings!
 
                                     JESUS
                         Uh oh, sssooo what are we supposed to 
                         do?
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         I don't know. We'll have to- continue 
                         with the changes we've made and then- 
                         go even further.
 
                                     STAGE HAND
                         And we're back in five, four, three,…
 
                         
                                     PRODUCER
                         Remember: big, big, big.

               [Show time! Jesus and Pals has a new openng sequence, with Jesus 
               walking backwards into view and throwing his jacket over his 
               shoulder. Meanwhile, 'Jesus and Pals' scrolls along the bottom 
               as both his logo drops down from above. His signature blinks 
               here and there. A montage follows with Jesus talking to a monkey 
               in one screen and Jesus waiting for calls in another. The last 
               thing you see is]
 
               J&P

                                     JESUS
                         If you're just joining us, we've been 
                         listening to Michelle's incredible story 
                         of survival. Go on, Michelle.
 
                                     MICHELLE
                          Well, as I was saying, I tried to drive 
                         him over to our gorgeous wood bench. 
                         My husband was trapped for twelve hours.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         And yet somehow he managed to survive.
 
                         
                                     MICHELLE
                         That's right. He's a very brave man, 
                         and I love him very much.
 
                                     HUSBAND
                          I love you, too.

                                     JESUS
                         Wwell, let's see if the audience has 
                         any questions.  Yes, uuh, you over there. 
                         
 
                                     LARGE WOMAN
                          I think she needs to kick him to the 
                         curb, baby! 
 
                                     JESUS
                         Kick who to the curb?

                                     LARGE WOMAN
                         Her no-good husband! She's got to lose 
                         that zero and get herself a hero! 
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         Buut-

                                     ANOTHER WOMAN
                         He wants to have his cake and eat it, 
                         too. He's got to dump that trash, girlfriend. 
                          It's all about respect. You've got 
                         to have respect for yourself. 
 
                                     JESUS
                         Uuh-I think we've somewhat missed the 
                         point here. Let's go to somebody else. 
                          Yes, your comments.
 
                                     AFRICAN AMERICAN
                         Montel, I think we're forgetting something 
                         very important in all this. Okay, sure, 
                         he touched some children, but, the man 
                         is a great singer and he has entertained 
                         us for so many years.
 
                                     JESUS
                         Wha- What are you talking about?

                                     AFRICAN AMERICAN
                         Michael Jackson! All this baad-mouthin', 
                         puttin' the man down. Maybe he did touch 
                         some children now and then, but come 
                         on! It's Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson! 
                         
 
                                     JESUS
                         Uh, we'll be back right after these 
                         messages.
 
               [In the woods, the boys set up for another staring frog video. 
               Cartman is behind some boulders and Kyle is in front of them. 
               Stan and Kenny face them]
 
                                     STAN
                         Ready, you guys?

                                     KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Ready. 

                                     STAN
                         Okay. Action! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Blululululululuh. I am the deadly Mexican 
                         staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka! 
                         I am very scary. And dangerous.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cut! Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                          What?

                                     STAN
                         It's supposed to be a frog!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I know that!

                                     STAN
                         Wuh since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          It's a Sri Lanka frog.

                                     KYLE
                          Drrr, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Drrr yourself, hippie!

                                     KYLE
                         Just do it again, Cartman, and don't 
                         make it talk! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay. Here we go, ready?

                                     KYLE
                         Are you ready Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm ready, Steven Spielberg! 

                                     STAN
                         Action!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Blulululuh. Screw you guys.

               [Another clip. The boys are in town]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait, why do I have to dress up like 
                         a old lady?
 
                                     KLE
                         Because old ladies are fat, and you 
                         are, too!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's not funny!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Cartman. The way we're filming 
                         this, nobody will even know it's you.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         They'd better not!

                                     STAN
                         Okay, when I yell 'action,' you start 
                         to walk this way.  And Kenny's gonna 
                         pull the plastic frog in front of you, 
                         and you have to be scared.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Scared? Of a plastic frog?

                                     STAN
                         It's acting, Cartman. You have to pretend 
                         you're really scared. Then the Mexican 
                         staring frog will look you in the eyes, 
                         then you fall down, like you're dead. 
                         Okay? You ready?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh this is stupid.

                                     STAN
                         Good! Aaand action! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Eee-ee-ee-ee! 

               [Jimbo and Ned back on the set]

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, it appears that now a lot of you 
                         uh "skeptics" thought that the film 
                         we showed of the Mexican staring frog 
                         of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. That 
                         you say it didn't harm anybody. Well, 
                         it just so happens that we just received 
                         another film from another anonymous 
                         viewer.  Roll it.  There you go. Proof 
                         that not only is this frog real, but 
                         it is doing harm to the people of South 
                         Park as we speak.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmmm. Damn that frog!

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, that does it! All this week, Ned 
                         and I will be risking life and limb 
                         as we on location to hunt the Mexican 
                         staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka! 
                         Join us, won'tcha?
 
               [Jesus and Pals. His producer was watching Huntin' and Killin']
 
               
                                     PRODUCER
                         Ooh, nonono no!  This is the biggest 
                         publicity stunt I've ever seen! Damn, 
                         those hunters are clever!
 
                                     JESUS
                         Uuuh, clever?

                                     PRODUCER
                         It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even 
                         want to watch then hunt the Mexican 
                         staring frog. Unless…
 
                                     JESUS
                         Unless what?

                                     PRODUCER
                         Unless we can prove to the world that 
                         the whole thing is a sham. If we prove 
                         that the Mexican staring frog of Southern 
                         Sri Lanka is just something- mmade up 
                         by Jimbo and Ned, we can have them taken 
                         off the air, perhaps even killed!
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         Look, why don't we just stick to our 
                         own show. People will watch again.
 
                         
                                     PRODUCER
                          Oh, J. You are so omnipotent, and yet 
                         so naive. We launch a full investigation, 
                         and in the meantime we can cash in on 
                         the videotapes.
 
                                     JESUS
                         What videotapes?

               [A commercial begins]

                                     JESUS
                         Yea, children, I am the Way and the 
                         Light…
 
                                     VOICE-OVER
                         You've seen Jesus and Pals. Now you've 
                         got to get the video! Jesus and Pals 
                         Too Hot For T.V.! 
 
               Things get a little out of control! [another guest yells obscenities 
               at another guest, but his mouth is censored with]
 
               CENSORED

               You won't believe your eyes! [Jesus is flanked by two Klansmen 
               as he interviews them]
 
               Order now, only $19.95! [Jesus is Lord!!! Visa, MC, and AmEx 
               accepted]
 
               Remember, this is stuff you can't see on T.V.! [Two other women 
               in bikinis take off their tops and dance around. Their breasts 
               are censored with bars saying]
 
               TOO HOT!!!

               [Next day. Jimbo and Ned drive through the town]

                                     JIMBO
                         Anonymous tip?

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         Yeah, it was left on our answering machine. 
                         All it said was that they saw the Mexican 
                         staring frog just south of Stark's Pond 
                         this morning.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey Ned. Remember that time when we 
                         got the anonymous tip back in 'Nam?
 
                         
                                     CAMERAMAN
                         You were in 'Nam? Where were you stationed?
 
                         
                                     NED
                         Mmm Da Nang.

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         With the log ride?

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeup.

                                     CAMERAMAN
                         Man, I was in Tet. We had a bad-ass 
                         roller coaster, but… all we ever wanted 
                         was a log ride. We waited and we waited, 
                         but… they never built us one. I think- 
                         Danforth wanted the log ride more than 
                         anybody, but he… he had to settle with 
                         that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         That was was hell on everybody. 

                                     PRODUCER
                         Good. Okay. Okay, bye! Good news, everybody. 
                         This week's ratings are through the 
                         roof! We're up to twenty people!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Wow, do we got more money?

                                     PRODUCER
                         No, but I do. We're now the highest 
                         rated show on Mountain Cable Access! 
                         God bless the Mexican staring frog!
 
                         
               [The boys are back in the woods, and their frog is on a small 
               boulder]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, they're gonna look so stupid.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, totally!

                                     STAN
                         They deserve it for lying to us, dude!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Revenge is so very, very sweet.

                                     STAN
                         They're here! Hurry and hide! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Let's hunt!

                                     PRODUCER
                         We'll start with a two-shot of you and 
                         Ned getting your equipment together 
                         and-
 
                                     NED
                         Mmjimbo, look!

                                     JIMBO
                         Hit the deck!! 

                                     PRODUCER
                         What is it?

                                     JIMBO
                         It's him! The Mexican staring frog of 
                         Southern Sri Lanka! He's right over 
                         there on that rock!
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         He is?

                                     JIMBO
                         Dumbass, you've got to keep your eyes 
                         away from him.  Stay down. Ned, you 
                         take flight position; I'll try to keep 
                         it turned away from you.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmrr roger that. 

                                     JIMBO
                          Hello, fellow hunters. Have we got 
                         a show for you today.  The Mexican staring 
                         frog is sunning itself on a rock directly 
                         behind us.  We've got to take the frog 
                         by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion 
                         using this incendiary device  while 
                         Ned will ambush him from the rear.  
                         Now, Ned. He's not lookin'.  Quick, 
                         Ned, hit him with the shotgun! Now, 
                         Ned!  Ned? Ne-ed.  Oh, no!  Come on, 
                         Ned buddy, snap out of it!  Come back 
                         to me, buddy.
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         You getting all this? 

                                     JIMBO
                         Hold on to your butts.  Take that, you 
                         demon frog!!  Ned, Ned. Can you hear 
                         me?  Somebody, call an ambulance. This 
                         man is catatonic!
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         Get the Flight for Life helicopter! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Holy crap, dude.

               [Hell's Pass Hospital. Jimbo is at Ned's bedside reading to him]
 
               
                                     JIMBO
                         …but Pony Boy was beat up pretty bad. 
                         He kept saying, 'stay gold.'  Aw, Ned. 
                         If you can hear me, yyou've got to snap 
                         out of it, 'cause if you don't, uh- 
                         I'll never forgive myself.  Aw, Stanley, 
                         he's gone! My only friend in the world 
                         is gone!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even 
                         real!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Look! 

                                     JIMBO
                          Aaww! What the hell are you doin'? 
                         I almost looked right at it!
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, it's just a plastic frog; it's 
                         not real. Check it out!
 
                                     JIMBO
                          What?

                                     STAN
                         We shot all those videos and sent them 
                         in.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It 
                         was all just a really, really funny 
                         joke! 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         You sent in those videos?!

                                     PRODUCER
                          Oh, this is not good.

                                     JIMBO
                         My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm 
                         gonna be the laughing stock of South 
                         Park!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aw, come on. Ned's faking it. That frog 
                         was just a piece of plastic!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Come on, Ned. Quit fakin'. 

                                     JIMBO
                         You boys don't understand. Ned was so 
                         freaked out by the idea of the Mexican 
                         staring frog that he must've sent himself 
                         into a deep coma.
 
                                     JESUS' PRODUCER
                          It's a psychosomatic response.  I couldn't 
                         help overhearing your conversation just 
                         now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Who are you?

                                     JESUS' PRODUCER
                         I produce a little TV show called Jesus 
                         and Pals, you might have heard of it. 
                         Your story is amazing: full of jealousy, 
                         duplicity, backstabbing, and bitterness.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Uuuuuuuuh. Thanks?

                                     JESUS' PRODUCER
                         How would you like to share your remarkable 
                         story with us on tomorrow's show?
 
                         
                                     [JESUS AND PALS, AFTER A COMMERCIAL BREAK. TODAY'S TOPIC
                         Tots in Trouble.]

                                     JESUS
                         We're back with Jimbo and his nephew 
                         Stan. These kids can't stop lying, can't 
                         they?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         That's right, Jesus. No respect for 
                         their elders. As some of you may know, 
                         I host a local show on hunting.  Thanks. 
                         We've been hunting the Mexican staring 
                         frog for a week based on some video 
                         footage we received from a viewer. Well, 
                         it turns out that these kids faked the 
                         footage!
 
                                     JESUS
                         Is that true, Stam?

                                     STAN
                         It was just a joke; we didn't think 
                         it would hurt anybody.
 
                                     JESUS
                          Uh, we'll find out more about this 
                         debauchery when we return. 
 
                                     SOUND MAN
                         Aaand we're out.

                                     PRODUCER
                          You're corpses out here! We need a 
                         lot more action from everybody!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Like what?

                                     PRODUCER
                         Like, go ahead and tell how your nephew 
                         Stan takes drugs and worships Satan.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Satan. Got it.

                                     STAN
                         Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship 
                         Satan. That's a lie.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Give you a taste of your own medicine, 
                         you little fibber!
 
                                     PRODUCER
                         You kids, I didn't bring you on this 
                         show to be boring. Somebody get pissed 
                         off and throw a chair at Ned here.
 
                         
               Cartman	[raising his hand] Dibs!

                                     PRODUCER
                         Remember, you all start to fight after 
                         the chair is thrown: that is your cue.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Roger.

               [the theme music plays again and the crowd applauds for the next 
               segment. Action]
 
               Jesus	Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo, why do you think 
               little Stanley lies?
 
                                     JIMBO
                         I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs 
                         and worships the Devil.
 
                                     THE AUDIENCE
                          Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!

                                     JESUS
                         Wow. Now, Stanley, it sound like your 
                         uncle is really worried about you.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Well I only- did it 'cause… he- molested 
                         me. 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Why, you little piece of crap!

                                     STAN
                         You big piece of crap!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!  
                         Take that, hippie! 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey! 

                                     THE AUDIENCE
                         Jeesus! Jeesus! 

                                     JESUS
                          O-Okay, okay, that's enough.

                                     THE WOMAN
                          Take that, you asshole!  What the fuck 
                         was that?
 
                                     JESUS
                         Uh, let's watch the lanugage, people.
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         Bring it on, you bitch! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey, get off of him, you fuckin' nutsack!
 
                         
                                     THE AUDIENCE
                         Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus! 

                                     JESUS
                         Let's all just- make our way back to 
                         our seats.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Nononono-yikes!) 

                                     MAN
                         Yeah, yeah, yeh-oh? 

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Ey, you guys! 

                                     JESUS
                         Let's all just- make our way back to 
                         our seats.
 
                                     WOMAN 1
                         Nooooo! 

                                     WOMAN 2
                         Oh my Gooodd! 

                                     JESUS
                         SHUT THE FUCK UP!!  Jesus, what is wrong 
                         with you people?! Look around you, Stanley. 
                         Look at all the pain and suffering your 
                         lie has caused. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Wull we only did it because Jimbo lied 
                         to us first. We had this report on the 
                         Vietnam War for school, and we interviewed 
                         Jimbo about it and he made up all this 
                         stuff about Vietnam, and he got us in 
                         trouble. 
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, now. Everything I told you boys 
                         about the war actually happened.
 
                                     STAN
                         Mr. Garrison said that there was no 
                         way you could have defeated the entire 
                         Viet Cong army by yourself.
 
                                     JESUS
                         The entire Viet Cong army?

                                     JIMBO
                         I uh… Well, okay, I might have embellished 
                         the truth a little, but that's different.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         Is it?

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, sure. I mean, eh…  Well, no uh, 
                         I guess not.
 
                                     JESUS
                         And as for you, Stan uh, I think you 
                         need to kick your drug habit pretty 
                         soon.
 
                                     STAN
                         Wait a second-I don't take drugs-that 
                         was a lie!
 
                                     JESUS
                         Wait. Jimbo made that up?

                                     STAN
                         No. Your producer did.  She made Jimbo 
                         tell everybody that I did drugs.
 
                                     JESUS
                         What?

                                     STAN
                         During the break. Your producer came 
                         over, and told Jimbo what to say about 
                         me. She told him to lie!
 
                                     JIMBO
                         It's true. She did. Hu-I'm such a tool.
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                         Oh, really? 

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Then she told us to throw a chair 
                         at Ned!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, Jesus. They 
                         made me do that.
 
                                     MAN IN BROWN SHIRT
                         Screw this show. I thought this was 
                         all real. 
 
                                     JESUS
                         W-wait, everybody. Come back.

                                     AFRICAN-AMERICAN
                          Don't feel too bad, Montel. We all 
                         want to touch children sometimes; it's 
                         only natural.
 
               [Outside South Park Public Access. Show's over.]

                                     JIMBO
                         I'm sorry, Stan uh, I was just trying 
                         to tell a good story. I never meant 
                         for you boys to get in trouble.
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, we're sorry too, Uncle Jimbo. 
                         We're sorry for making you look stupid 
                         in front of the whole world.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. And we're sorry for turning Ned 
                         into a vegetable.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him 
                         home and show him some good hard-core 
                         porn-he'll snap right out of it. Won't 
                         you, Ned? 
 
                                     JESUS
                         I want to apologize to all of you for 
                         what happened in there. In our competition 
                         for ratings we lost sight of why we 
                         got into show business in the first 
                         place.
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah. TV's and beer.

                                     JESUS
                         Actually, I was referring more to the 
                         pursuit of truth, but-well anyway, I 
                         can't wait to get back to my old show 
                         without all the glitz and the ratings 
                         and producers and-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Wait a second. Where is your producer?
 
                         
                                     JESUS
                          I sent her away.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sent her away where?

               [Hell. She enters Satan's lair with phone in hand]

                                     PRODUCER
                          What is, is- What's happening?!

                                     SATAN
                         Welcome to my dominion!

                                     PRODUCER
                          Noooooo!

                                     SADDAM HUSSEIN
                          Hey. Take a load off. Put your feet 
                         up. Me and Satan were just aboot to 
                         go shopping for furniture. Come on, 
                         Satan.
 
                                     SATAN
                         Okay, honey. 

                                     PRODUCER
                         Noooooo! 

               [End of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka...

               
               War is hell

               My brother's a dirty mess

               In war, war is hell.

               It's hell for you and me.]
 


The mexican staring frog



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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