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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 403


                                     "TIMMY 2000"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. The student 
               stream in and take their seats]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, did you do all your homework last 
                         night?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. But there was so much of it. I 
                         was up until two in the morning.
 
                                     STAN
                         I know!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, I hope you all did your 
                         homework last night, because we're goin' 
                         to talk about pages 42 through 612. 
                         First of all, who can tell me what year 
                         the Founding Fathers got together?  
                         Let's see, how about...
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Please don't call on me. Please, Jesus, 
                         don't let him call on me.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wendy?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Phew!

                                     WENDY
                         1776.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Good job, Wendy. And what was that document 
                         called?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, please, God, don't let him call 
                         on me. Father in heaven, I beg of you-
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Kyle?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, thank you Low-ord! Praise Jesus!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         The Declaration of Independence?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me 
                         what famous person wrote the Declaration 
                         of Independence?  Let's see. Oh, I know. 
                         How about the new student, Timmy? 
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Nno, it wasn't you, Timmy. Try again.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Heh-aaaaaah!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Timmy, did you not do your homework?!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Erh Timmiihh!!

                                     STAN
                         Uh, Mr. Garrison, haven't you figured 
                         it out? Timmys' retarded.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Don't call people names, Stanley!

                                     STAN
                         But he is-

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, Timmy,—

                                     TIMMY
                         Haaaaah.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         —You need to work on your study skills!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Doo-uhh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Are you mocking me?! Because if you 
                         are, I have no problem sending your 
                         butt to the principal's office!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         G'oh livin' a lie, livin' a lie, Timmawh!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         THAT DOES IT!

               [The principal's office. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey talk 
               to Timmy]
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, Timmy. I just don't know what 
                         to do with you. You're getting very 
                         poor marks in school and the teachers 
                         are complaining that you aren't paying 
                         attention.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Heh-aaaaaah!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh young man, if you don't wanna be 
                         held back a grade, I suggest you start 
                         cooperating, m'kay?!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, that does it! I'm suspending you, 
                         Timmy, until you can learn to respect 
                         your elders! 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Ehhha-a-a-ah.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Huh- hold on just a second there, Principal 
                         Victoria.  I think I may know what the 
                         problem is. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmiihh.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yes, of course.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         What??

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          I think maybe Timmy is suffering from 
                         something called, "Attention Deficit 
                         Disorder," or ADD. It's very common 
                         in kids his age.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh!

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmiihh!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, that certainly would explain it.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         It should be easy enough to find out. 
                         They have tests for that kind of thing 
                         now, m'kay?
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Oolih oo livn' a lie, Timmehuh!

               [A clinic. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey have taken Timmy 
               there to see a doctor]
 
                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Alright, this is a very sinple test 
                         which should determine without a doubt 
                         whether or not Timmy has Attention Deficit 
                         Disorder.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Good.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih.

                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Egh. Now, Timmy, I'm going to read you 
                         a book called, "The Great Gatsby," by 
                         F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the 
                         novel I'll ask you a few questions. 
                         Are yiou ready?
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih.

                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                          Okay, here we go.  "In my younger and 
                         more vulnerable years, my father gave 
                         me some advice that I've been turning 
                         over in my mind ever since"  "so we 
                         beat on, boats against the current, 
                         borne back ceaselessly into the past." 
                         
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Ha-a-a-a-a-h.

                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Okay now, Timmy. Can you tell me: In 
                         Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby 
                         drive?
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih!

                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                          Well, that settles it!

                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         This young man definitely has Attention 
                         Deficit Disorder!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Oh oh, I nuh-I knew it.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         What can we do for him, doctor?

                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today. 
                         I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and 
                         we'll see how that goes for little Timmy.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih.

               [South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Garrison's classroom]
 
               
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hurry up, children, let's take our seats. 
                          You'd better have done your homework 
                         last night, Timmy.  What's this? 
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Tim-mih.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         A note from the principal? "Please excuse 
                         Timmy from all questions and all homework, 
                         as he has been diagnosed with Attention 
                         Deficit Disorder."  Oh, brother!
 
                                     STAN
                         He doesn't have to do homework?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's just swell, Timmy! Looks like 
                         you've outsmarted the principal and 
                         the counselor!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Very well, I guess you're excused from 
                         homework.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey wait. I think maybe I have Attention 
                         Diffunction Disorder.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, me too.

                                     STAN
                         I've got ADD.

                                     KENNY
                         (Me too.)

                                     OTHER CLASSMATES
                         Yeah, I've got it. Me too. Yeah. It's 
                         gay.
 
               [The clinic, later. The doctor is reading "A Farewell To Arms," 
               by Ernest Hemingway, to the class now]
 
                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         "After a while I went out and left the 
                         hospital, and walked back to the hotel 
                         in the rain."  Alright now, in Chapter 
                         12, what kind of bottles did Miss Van 
                         Campen talk about?  Anybody?  Anybody?? 
                         My God, these children all have ADD! 
                         
 
                                     ALL THE KIDS
                          Hooray.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hoo-ray.

                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         It's Ritalin for all of you! 

                                     DRUMMER
                         Dude, we suck!

                                     SKYLER
                         Hey, that's not the right attitude, 
                         Jonesy! The Battle of the Bands is tomorrow 
                         night!
 
                                     JONESY
                         Dude, we never win the Battle of the 
                         Bands! It's no big deal.
 
                                     SKYLER
                          Not a big deal! This year's winner 
                         gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalooblaza, 
                         and that's no big deal?!
 
                                     MARK
                         Hey, you guys, you'd better stop fighting.
 
                         
                                     SKYLER
                         We've just gotta practice more.

                                     JONESY
                         Dude, we've been practicing for eight 
                         years, Skyler.
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Hey, am I the leader of this band or 
                         not?! Huh, let's do it from the top! 
                         
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmuuhh!  Coodalah Timmuh!

                                     JONESY
                          What was that?

                                     SKYLER
                         Huh-I don't know, man.  Whoaaa!

                                     MARK
                         Who is that?

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     SKYLER
                         You a singer, man?

                                     TIMMY
                         Rrrrr-laurlaurlah Timmehah!  Timmehuh! 
                          Timmehh.
 
                                     JONESY
                         Dude, that's hot!

                                     SKYLER
                         Yeah!

               [South Park Pharmacy, day. Ms. McCormick receives her son's prescription.]
 
               
                                     PHARMACIST
                         There is your prescription, Ms. McCormick. 
                         A hundred dollars' worth of Ritalin.
 
                         
               Mrs. McCormick	And he won't have Attention Deficit Disorder anymore?
 
               
                                     PHARMACIST
                         We can only hope so. Next? 

                                     SHARON
                         Oh, hi, Sheila.

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         Sharon, your son has Attention Deficit 
                         Disorder too?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Yes. I should have known. It all makes 
                         semse now. I could never get Stanley 
                         to pay attention when his grandfather 
                         told him stories about the '30s.
 
                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         I know what you mean. Kyle gets so hyper, 
                         sometimes he runs around and screams 
                         like a little eight-year-old.
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...I am eight.

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Next, please?  What do we have here- 
                         ah! The Ritalin!
 
                                     LIANE
                         Yes.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's right. I got a bad case of ADD. 
                         No homework for me.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Mr. Pharmacist, this Ritalin doesn't 
                         have any side effects, does it?
 
                                     PHARMACIST
                         Oh, no no no, your son may experience 
                         a small lack of energy, but that's all.
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Alright.

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Oh, and he might start seeing little 
                         pink Christina Aguilera monsters, but 
                         that's to be expected.
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh my.

               [South Park Battle Of The Bands. A four-member band is onstage. 
               One member is on keyboards, a second is on drums, a third on 
               guitar, and the fourth has the mic. The first and third have 
               flaming hairdos]
 
                                     BAND
                         Look alive, lettin' it feel (so light). 
                         Lettin' it feel so light.
 
                                     PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE
                         Boooo!

                                     GUY IN FLAT TOP
                         You suck! 

                                     M.C.
                         Alright, that was "Sisters of Mercy 
                         Hold No Pain Against the Dark Lord," 
                         with their song, "Silk Blood On The 
                         Footsteps Of My Mind (Revisited)"
 
                         
                                     SINGER
                         We got the best response. We'll be opening 
                         for Phil Collins for sure.
 
                                     M.C.
                         And now it's time for our final band.
 
                         
                                     GUY IN AUDIENCE
                         Thank God! 

                                     M.C.
                         Give it up for "Timmy and the Lords 
                         of the Underworld!" 
 
                                     SKYLER
                         1 2 3 4 

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!  Timmih! Lehmeheuh!  Timmih!
 
                         
                                     MAN 1
                         Duhude, that handicapped dude ruhules!
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                         Oo-yee-hee-yeh-hah!

                                     MAN 3
                         You guys are terrible! How could you 
                         laugh at that poor kid?!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih Timmiihh! Timmehuh Timmih Timmiihh!
 
                         
                                     THE LORDS
                         Lords of the Underworld.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih, Timmiih!

                                     THE LORDS
                         Darkness fills my heart with pain.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih oo livin' a lie! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, it's Timmy.

                                     KYLE
                         No way! 

                                     MAN 3
                         They're ridiculing that singer! Come 
                         on, let's get outta here! 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Sibilah Sibinlaahh! 

                                     THE LORDS
                         The Lords of the Underworld.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih, Timmih Timmitimmi Timmiih!
 
                         
                                     THE LORDS
                         Darkness fills my heart with pain. 
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmehahh! Timmeh Timmeh Sibinlah Timmih 
                         Sibinlah Timmih. Timmuh Timmuh Timmuh. 
                          Timmeh!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That was awesuhome!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, Timmy ruhules!

                                     WOMAN
                         Boys! You shouldn't laugh at him! He's 
                         handicapped!
 
                                     STAN
                         But he's funny.

                                     WOMAN
                         How would you like to be handicapped?! 
                         Do you think that would be funny?! You're 
                         making him feel bad!
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Hehaahh!

                                     STAN
                         He looks pretty happy to me.

                                     WOMAN
                         Oh, you people make me sick! 

                                     M.C.
                         Dude, this is a no-brainer. This year's 
                         Battle of the Bands winner and the band 
                         that gets to open for Phil Collins at 
                         Lalapalablala.is... TIMMY!
 
                                     CROWD
                          Wooo!

                                     JONESY
                          We did it, dude!

                                     SKYLER
                          Listen to them. They really love me. 
                          Wooo!!
 
                                     CROWD
                          Wooo!!

                                     SKYLER
                         Yes! I'm a rocker! 

               [PSB presents Charlie Rose]

                                     CHARLIE ROSE
                         Tonight, we analyze the new rock sensation, 
                         Timmeo , the controversial new band 
                         that has taken the country by storm. 
                          Already playing at several large venues 
                         this month , the band prepares for its 
                         biggest gig, Lolapalooblaza, where they 
                         will open for Phil Collins. But Phil 
                         Collins is not happy.
 
                                     PHIL COLLINS
                          Well, I thinks it's a horrible tragedy, 
                         idn't it? I mean, people aren't gonna 
                         see Timmy for his musical skills. They're 
                         laughin' at 'im, and I think you shouldn't 
                         laugh at people with disabilities!
 
                         
                                     MAN
                          Hah haha.

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         Society has to learn how to be more 
                         compassionate! This is gonna stop if 
                         I have to stop it myself!
 
               [Bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle await the bus]

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, did you see that stuff Phil Collins 
                         was saying about Timmy?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, what a dick. Timmy's five times 
                         more talented than he is.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey guys, have you been takin' your 
                         Ritalin?
 
                                     STAN
                         Huh? No, we're not actually gonna take 
                         that stuff.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No, dude, you gotta try it.  It makes 
                         you feel good.
 
                                     KENNY
                          (Good.) 

               [South Park Elementary, day, kitchen]

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children.

                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Hello, Chef.

                                     KENNY
                         (Hello, Chef.)

                                     CHEF
                         How's it goin'?

                                     STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN
                         Very well, thank you.

                                     KENNY
                         (Very well, thank you.)

                                     CHEF
                          Everything's fine?? Why??

                                     STAN
                         Because we're on Ritalin.

                                     CHEF
                         What??

                                     KYLE
                         We all have Attention Deficit Disorder. 
                         So we all started taking Ritalin.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         It really takes the edge off, man. You 
                         should try it. 
 
                                     CHEF
                         So that's why all you children are acting 
                         so damned boring!
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's correct, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Damnit, children, you don't need drugs 
                         to make you pay attention in school! 
                         In my day, if we didn't pay attention 
                         we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're 
                         tryin' to cure everything with drugs!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yes, but now we don't have any homework, 
                         so we can go see Timmy play downtown 
                         at Mile High Stadium
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh boy oh boy.

                                     KENNY
                         (Oh boy.)

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists 
                         prescribe all kinds of medicines to 
                         you children without even carin' about 
                         the side effects.
 
                                     STAN
                         But there are no side effects, Chef.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No, not at all. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did you guys see that?

                                     STAN
                         See what?

               [MTV News. A satellite revolves around the logo]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 
                         twelve-year-old-and-younger station 
                         that hides behind a slick image. We're 
                         so cool that we decide what's cool. 
                         And now, MTV News, the news that is 
                         singlehandedly dumbing down our country. 
                         Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt 
                         Loder
 
                                     KURT LODER
                          Why am I still doing this? I've got 
                         to be the oldest person in this network 
                         by at least 40 years.
 
                                     ANNOUNCER
                          Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No 
                         way, he did just say it, but just to 
                         be cool. That's what makes him cool. 
                         You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, 
                         the news that's cool.
 
                                     KURT LODER
                         Well, it's only two weeks until Lalapalalababa, 
                         and the headlining band has changed. 
                         Now headlining the event is Timmy , 
                         the new hit sensation out of Colorado. 
                         This news came as a shock to the performer 
                         that was going to headline Lalapalabala, 
                         Phil Collins.
 
                                     PHIL COLLINS
                          Well, I think the sad question is, 
                         "Where are the parents in all this?" 
                         I mean, that kid's parents are lettin' 
                         him be exploited, and they don't even 
                         seem to care.
 
                                     KURT LODER
                          And so, Phil Collins decided to travel 
                         to South Park and personally pay Timmy's 
                         parents a visit. 
 
                                     PHIL COLLINS
                          Well, I mean, why are you lettin' 'em 
                         do this to your son? Don't you see that 
                         everyone's just laughin' at him?
 
                                     RICHARD
                         Richarrrrd!

                                     HELEN
                         Helennnn!

                                     RICHARD
                         'Oodleahah.

                                     KURT LODER
                         Phil Collins warns that a novelty band 
                         that makes fun of the handicapped should 
                         not be allowed to play Lalapalablalala, 
                         and vows to do everything in his power 
                         to stop it. Phil Collins, by the way, 
                         divorced his wife via fax and then married 
                         a 27-year-old. I'm Kurt Loder, and that's 
                         the news.
 
               [South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's class. The school 
               bell rings]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, let's settle down!  
                         Huhh I mean it; I want quiet!  My God, 
                         Mr. Hat, these children are so boring 
                         on Ritalin.  Huh, ah! Alright, children, 
                         today we're gonna learn about human 
                         reproduction. What do you think about 
                         that?!  Vaginas, and penises. Butt sex. 
                          Well, damnit, Eric, don't you have 
                         some smartass thing to say?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          What kind of smartass thing would I 
                         say, Mr. Garrison?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          This is driving me crazy!! I can't 
                         handle you little bastards being so 
                         mellow!!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Gee, you seem a little stressed, Mr. 
                         Garrison. Why don't you try some Ritalin? 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         There you go. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whah!

                                     [MILE HIGH STADIUM
                         "Tonight Only. TIMMY!!! Sold Out."]
 
                         
                                     A SINGER
                         Thank you, South Park! Good night!
 
                         
                                     JONESY
                          Alright, let's rock this house! Hello 
                         Miami!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh! 

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         Excuse me, Skyler Moles?

                                     SKYLER
                          Yeah?

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         Nice to meet you. I'm Phil Collins.
 
                         
                                     SKYLER
                         Oh, yeah. You're opening for us as Lalapalazabla.
 
                         
                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         I just wanted to tell you that, well, 
                         I think that you're a great guitar player 
                         and song writer.
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that. 
                         Gotta run. 
 
                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         It's too bad those other guys are holdin' 
                         you back.
 
                                     SKYLER
                          Huh?

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         Well, I mean, it's obvious all the talent 
                         and artistic vision in the band comes 
                         from you. Strange, how everyone focuses 
                         n Timmy, idn't it? I mean, even the 
                         name of the band is "Timmy,"
 
                                     SKYLER
                         Nuh-nn, the name of the band is Timmy 
                         and the Lords of the Underworld.
 
                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         Look, I used to be in a band, too. Genesis. 
                         And all those bastards did was hold 
                         me back and hold me back. But then, 
                         finally, I went solo. And that's when 
                         I started writing really great songs. 
                         But look, if you happen to be on the 
                         sidelines, you know, bein' more of a 
                         cheerleader than a player, well, then 
                         I guess you should stay on as Timmy's 
                         shadow.
 
                                     SKYLER
                          Uh, thanks man. See ya.

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         That should just about put an end to 
                         all this Timmy nonsense. 
 
               [Mile High Stadium, later.]

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmuh! 

                                     JONESY
                          Another great show, man. There must 
                         have been a hundred thousand people 
                         out there.
 
                                     SKYLER
                          Yeah. All of them chanting "Timmy, 
                         Timmy."
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih!

                                     JONESY
                         What's the matter, Skyler?

                                     SKYLER
                         The name of the band is Timmy AND the 
                         Lords of the Underworld, not just Timmy.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     SKYLER
                         And the Lords of the Underworld!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     SKYLER
                         It's always about you, isn't it?! I'm 
                         sick of it! Timmy gets all the applause! 
                         Timmy gets all the chicks! Well, you 
                         know what?! Forget you, man!
 
                                     MARK
                         Skyler, Timmy is what made our band 
                         famous.
 
                                     SKYLER
                          Shut up, Monsy! You can stay and deal 
                         with Mr. Egomaniac here, but I'm novin' 
                         on!  I don't need Timmy!  I'm goin' 
                         solo!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh!

                                     SKYLER
                          No! Don't try and stop me, man!  I'll 
                         see you on fame's backside. 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Ooo livin' a lie!

               [Cartman's house, next day. The boys are on the sofa watching 
               Terrance and Phillip. Stan has his Ritalin, Cartman has the remote... 
               and a pan on his laps. He's eating bacon]
 
                                     PHILLIP
                         Terrance, what brand of pants am I wearing?
 
                         
                                     TERRANCE
                          Let me see. 

                                     PHILLIP
                         How do you like that, Terrance?

                                     STAN
                         Let's watch something else.

                                     KYLE
                         Yes, let's. 

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         You're watching VH1.

                                     THE BOYS
                         Ahhhh.

                                     ANCHOR
                         Here's Lalapalalala's news. The hit 
                         group Timmy has broken up.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh dear. Timmy's band broke up?

                                     ANCHOR
                         And so, Phill Collins is back on as 
                         the headliner. The opening band now 
                         will be Timmy's guitarist Skyler's new 
                         solo project, Reach for the Skyler.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You know something? I think that's good. 
                         It was wrong to make Timmy a singer.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Phil Collins was right. People 
                         laughed at Timmy, and Timmy should be 
                         at home, where he's protected from laughter.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I agree. You know what, you guys? We 
                         should go to the concert anyways and 
                         see Phil Collins.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the 
                         house.
 
                                     STAN
                         Sounds good.

                                     CARTMAN
                         So it's decided: Phil Collins concert 
                         for all of us.  Hooray.  Oh oh. Hold 
                         still, Kenny. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         Bastard.

               [The Marsh house. Several parents are gathered in the living 
               room. Chef speaks]
 
                                     CHEF
                         Parents, I called you all together because 
                         I think you might be making a mistake 
                         puttin' your children on Ritalin. 
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Uh, but our kids have Attention Deficit 
                         Disorder, Chef. They can't pay attention 
                         in school without it.
 
                                     CHEF
                         I know you wanna help your kids, but 
                         I brought over a videotape to show you 
                         that there are alternatives to Ritalin. 
                         There's this doctor in Northern California 
                         who is doing really amazing kids with 
                         children who have ADD. I want you to 
                         watch this tape. 
 
                                     DR. SHAY
                         Hello, I'm Dr. Richard Shay, here to 
                         tell you about exciting new drug-free 
                         treatment for children with Attention 
                         Deficit Disorder.  This treatment is 
                         fast and effective and doesn't use harmful 
                         drugs. Watch closely as I apply treatment 
                         to the first child.
 
                                     GIRL
                          I want a horse. I want a big brown 
                         horse with a brown-and-black tail, and 
                         a diamond tiara-  Ah!
 
                                     DR. SHAY
                         Sit down and study! 

                                     BOY 1
                         Woohoo, let's go sledding, let's go 
                         race and race, let's go! 
 
                                     DR. SHAY
                         Sit down and study!

                                     BOY 1
                          Wwaaahahahah 

                                     DR. SHAY
                         Stop crying and do your schoolwork! 
                          If you would like more information 
                         on my bold new treatment, please send 
                         away for this free brochure, entitled, 
                         "You can either calm down, or I can 
                         pop you in the mouth again." Thank you. 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, what do you think? I can have 
                         Dr. Shay come to South Park for a small 
                         fee.
 
                                     SHARON
                         That video had pretty colors.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         It sure did.

                                     CHEF
                         What the? Damnit, have you all been 
                         taking your children's Ritalin too?!
 
                         
                                     PARENTS
                         Yes.

                                     CHEF
                         Awww, fudge it! 

                                     STAN
                         Chef, are you going to the Phil Collins 
                         concert tomorrow?
 
                                     CHEF
                         The what??

                                     KYLE
                         Phil Collins is playing Lalapalala's, 
                         and because we're all doing so well 
                         in school now, our parents said they 
                         would take us.
 
                                     PARENTS
                         Yes.

                                     CHEF
                         Hold on a second: you children want 
                         to go see Phil Collins?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yes. His flowing melodies are really 
                         enjoyable to us.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Oh my God!!

                                     KYLE
                         Come, see him with us.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, come with us. Come with uusss. 
                         Haaa, it's Christina Aguilera agan! 
                          She's on my back! Hah! 
 
                                     CHEF
                         That does it! That Ritalin has affected 
                         your little cracker brains too deeply! 
                         I'm going to go see that damn phramacist!
 
                         
               [South Park Pharmacy, after hours. The pharmacist and the clinic 
               doctor are talking, and the doctor counts some money]
 
                                     PHARMACIST
                         Look at that. Ritalin stocks are up 
                         ten points.
 
                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         That's easily another twenty grand apiece! 
                         
 
                                     CHEF
                          Hey, open this damn door. 

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Can I help you?

                                     CHEF
                         Yes you can! What the hell are you two 
                         doin' prescribing all the children Ritalin?!
 
                         
                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Well, they've all been diagnosed with 
                         ADD. That's Attention Deficit-
 
                                     CHEF
                         I know what it is! But now you've got 
                         a town full of zombie children from 
                         the planet Zandor.
 
                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Huh?

                                     CHEF
                         All around the country, you bastard 
                         doctors are giving children Ritalin! 
                         And for every one child that actually 
                         needs it, you give it to 50,000 that 
                         don't!
 
                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Hey now, don't tell us our business, 
                         Mr. Chef. Why, we-
 
                                     CHEF
                         You're damn right I'll tell you yo' 
                         business, because you two have got your 
                         heads up your asses! Thanks to you, 
                         we have children in our town that like 
                         Phil Collins!
 
                                     PHARMACIST
                         Eh wuh, what?? 

                                     CHEF
                         That's right! You've made them so dull 
                         and boring that they'er actually going 
                         to go to a Phil Collins concert!
 
                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Mm- my God. What have we done?? 

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Well, if I had known... Phl Collins, uh, 
                         my God! 
 
                                     CHEF
                         Well, how do we reverse the Ritalin?!
 
                         
                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         We uh... have to convince them not to 
                         take it, but, ahah ih it'll be hard 
                         to get it away from them.
 
                                     CHEF
                         Then we need an antidote!

                                     PHARMACIST
                         Yes, of course.

                                     CLINIC DOCTOR
                         Uh, what's the antidote for Ritalin?
 
                         
                                     PHARMACIST
                         I have some right here.  It's a compound 
                         called "Ritalout."
 
                                     CHEF
                         Alright. Come on, we've got to get the 
                         antidote to all the children. Quick! 
                         
 
               Welcome to

               LALAPALALAPAZA!!

               [Townsfolk file in. Music is piped in before the concert]

               lalapalalapaza 2000

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         

               Last night I went, "O!"

               Bubudio

               Last night I went "Bubudio"

                                     CHEF
                          Here. We can put the Ritalin antidote 
                         in these drinks and hand them out to 
                         the children. 
 
                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         Last night I went, "O!"

               Bububudio. [takes a bow. People clap a bit]

                                     RANDY
                         Wasn't that great, son?

                                     STAN
                         Sure was, Dad.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         It's so wonderful to be on the same 
                         wavelength as our kids.
 
                                     CHEF
                          Here you go, Stan and Kyle. Free drinks 
                         on me. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, thank you, Chef. How nice. 

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         I know. I'd like to sing the complex 
                         and amazing song that won me the Oscar, 
                         a song entitlted, "You'll Be In... Me." 
                          Thanks.
 
               You're inside of me.

               Deep inside of me. [Chef hands drinks to more kids]

               So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart.

                                     CHEF
                         Come on, drink it down. It's free.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You'll be inside of me...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh? Oh no! Agh!  Get off me! Get off 
                         me! Somebody help!! Please?? Somebody 
                         get it off of me!! Get it off of me.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I feel... different.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Get off of me, Christina Aguilera! Alright?! 
                         Please! Hegh, hegh
 
                                     CHEF
                          Drink this, Eric.  God help me! Heh, 
                         get it...  She's gone! Thank God!
 
                                     PHIL COLLINS
                          Well, thanks! 

                                     STAN
                         Wait a minute! Phil Collins sucks ass!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! What the hell were we thinking?! 
                         Boooooo!
 
                                     CHEF
                          I think it's working.

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Booooo!!

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                          Shut your filthy holes, you little 
                         bastards!
 
                                     STAN
                         Get off the stage, Phil Collins! We 
                         want Timmy!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah!

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                         You just wanna laugh at him.

                                     STAN
                         No!  You see, we learned something today. 
                         Yeah, sure, we laughed at Timmy, but 
                         what's wrong with laughter? Just because 
                         we laugh at something doesn't mean we 
                         don't care about it. Timmy made us smile, 
                         and playing made Timmy smile, so where 
                         was the harm in that? The people that 
                         are wrong are the ones that think people 
                         like Timmy should be "protected" and 
                         kept out of the public's eye. The cool 
                         thing about Timmy being in a band was 
                         that he was in your face, and you had 
                         to deal with him, whether you laughed 
                         or cried, or felt nothing. That's why 
                         Timmy rules!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Tim-my! Tim-my!

                                     AUDIENCE
                         Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!

               [A desert near town. Mark and Timmy stand outside, Jonesy sits 
               on the running board]
 
                                     JONESY
                         Man, it sucks not being part of Lalapalabala. 
                         
 
                                     MARK
                         Yeah. 

                                     SKYLER
                          Hey dudes. 

                                     JONESY
                         Skyler, what are you doing here?!  Isn't 
                         Reach for the Skyler supposed to play 
                         soon? 
 
                                     SKYLER
                         They booed Phil Collins off the stage. 
                         Everyone's chanting for Timmy and the 
                         Lords of the Underworld. 
 
                                     MARK
                          Oh, so now that they want us, you think 
                         you can waltz, um, back into our lives 
                         and be in the band again? 
 
                                     SKYLER
                         I don't expect anything. Timmy, I-gh... 
                         Well, I just wanted to say we had some 
                         pretty rockin' times, dude, and... maybe 
                         I let fame and Phil Collins go to my 
                         head... 
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! 

                                     JONESY
                          Wow. They really are chanting for us. 
                         
 
                                     MARK
                         Hn they want us back. 

                                     SKYLER
                         What do you say, Timmy? 

                                     TIMMY
                         Rrr, rrr, uh, Timmih. 

                                     THE LORDS
                         Alright!

               [The Lalapalalapaza concert.]

                                     HOST
                         Ladies and gentlemen, without further 
                         ado, it is my pleasure to introduce 
                         the reunion tour of Timmehuh!
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmiihh, and the Lords of the Underworld! 
                          Timmiihh!  Timmih! Livin' a lie-ah! 
                          Hidilah Timmy!  Timmuh- Timmiihh! Timmehuh 
                         Timmih Timmiihh!
 
                                     THE LORDS
                         And the Lords of the Underworld.

                                     PHIL COLLINS
                          Put me down, you filthy bastards!  
                         Awwww!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmiihh uluh-livin' a lie!

               THE END

Timmy 2000



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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