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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 703


                                    "TOILET PAPER"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park Elementary, day. A new classroom. As the camera follows 
               a new teacher around, the following kids are seen working with 
               clay. Clyde presses the pottery wheel pedal as Bebe molds a vase 
               on the wheel. Wendy watches. Tweek, Red, and Pip work on clay 
               on the table near the wall. In the foreground, Token presses 
               the pottery wheel pedal as Jordan molds a vase. Butters, Kevin, 
               and another kid work on their own projects. Kenny, Stan, Kyle 
               and Cartman are laughing at their project, which didn't require 
               the use of the pottery wheel.]
 
                                     TEACHER
                          Okay. Good, children, good. Remember 
                         to feel the clay. Be one with the clay. 
                         Nice. Uh huh. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Put more clay on the balls.

                                     TEACHER
                          Boys!  What is that?

                                     KYLE
                         A reindeer?

                                     TEACHER
                         You know, I've had it! You four boys 
                         never take art class seriously!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          What a crime. 

                                     TEACHER
                          You think art is not important?

                                     STAN
                         Weelll, art is just kinda... for gaywads.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                          I love our class!

                                     STAN
                         See?

                                     TEACHER
                          Do you think this is funny?!  Do you 
                         think this is funny, huh?!  Well, you 
                         four can just spend your afternoon after 
                         school here making new pottery! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You can't do that!

                                     TEACHER
                         I certainly can! I'm your teacher!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're an art teacher!

                                     TEACHER
                         Make it two hours!

               [Cut to after school. The art teacher sits at her desk watching 
               the boys work on a proper vase on the pottery wheel. Kyle is 
               pressing the pedal. The boys are angry at their teacher]
 
                                     STAN
                         Mrs. Dreible thinks she's so cool!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         How dare she talk to us like that?!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, how the fuck is that?!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         We can't let her get away with this! 
                          I think tonight we need to do something 
                         drastic.
 
                                     STAN
                         Like what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Like find out where Mrs. Dreible lives, 
                         and go over there, and... TP her house.
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     KYLE
                         TP her house?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Toilet paper! Cover her house in toilet 
                         paper.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh.

                                     CARTMAN
                          What's the matter, Kyle? You chicken? 
                          Ugh! 
 
                                     TEACHER
                         Quiet, boys. This isn't playtime, you're 
                         being punished!
 
                                     STAN
                          Fine! But we'll have the last laugh 
                         tonight, artwhore!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah! Payback time, you ugly skank!
 
                         
               [Henry's Supermarket, day. A man watches his son ride in a coin-operated 
               ride outside the store. Inside, the four boys approach checkout 
               line 3 with two carts stacked high with packages of Kush Tush 
               toilet paper.]
 
                                     STAN
                         D'you think that's enough?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Should be fine.

                                     KYLE
                         Don't you guys think this is a little 
                         suspicious? We should buy something 
                         else so it doesn't look obvious.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay.  Here we go, pack of chewing gum. 
                         
 
                                     CASHIER
                         Hello boys. Find everything you need?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yep. All set.

                                     CASHIER
                          Mokay, let's see here. Toilet paper 
                          Toilet paper  Toilet paper  Toilet 
                         paper  Toilet paper  So, what are you 
                         kids up to tonight? 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, we're just gonna watch some TV, 
                         maybe play a board game.
 
                                     CASHIER
                         Nice relaxing night at home, huh? Toilet 
                         paper  Toilet paper  Aaand toilet paper 
                          Eh, hey.  Now you kids be careful with 
                         this chewing gum.Don't go sticking it 
                         under tables.
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay.

                                     CASHIER
                         Okay. Toilet paper  Toilet paper  Tooilet 
                         paper  You know, son, I rmember you 
                         comin' in last week and buying this 
                         much toilet paper. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh yeah, that that's right.

                                     CASHIER
                         ... Toilet paper  Toilet paper 

                                     KYLE
                         You TP'ed a house last week, Cartman?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         No. Last Thursday night was fajitas 
                         night.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh.  Uuugh.

               [Mrs. Dreible's house, later, that night. The boys walk up to 
               the house carrying black trash bags of toilet paper]
 
                                     STAN
                         Is this the right house?

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's the right address-wait! Look there! 
                          There's Mrs. Dreible! This is the place. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh wait, wait, there's kids inside.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         So?

                                     KYLE
                         So we're not TP'ing a house with kids 
                         inside it!
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle, we all agreed to do this!

                                     KYLE
                         We didn't say nothin' about no kids, 
                         man!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, you're bein' an asshole! Now let's 
                         do this thing and get out of m'yeah. 
                          Here's what I think of your art class, 
                         you God-damned bitch! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah! Fuck you!)

               [Majestic music plays as Kenny unleashes his roll. Stan unleashes 
               a roll. Cartman tosses off another one and grins. More rolls 
               of paper fly onto the roof. Kyle tosses up a roll, unsure of 
               doing so. Stan unleashes another one, and his glee is unabashed. 
               Kenny tosses off another one. More and more rolls fly over the 
               roof. Kyle freezes in awe of their vandalism. Toilet paper covers 
               the house, the garage, and the trees around the house. The boys 
               head for the sidewalk]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, let's go! 

                                     KYLE
                         What have we done? 

                                     STAN
                         Let's go, Kyle! 

               [The bus stop]

                                     KYLE
                         We're, we're in trouble. We're in sooo 
                         much trouble.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw man, that was sooo awesome! 

                                     KYLE
                         How can you say that? Did you see what 
                         we did to their house?! It'll take them 
                         days to clean that up!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Who cares??

                                     KYLE
                         Well, YOU don't, because you're a non-caring 
                         asshole, Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Me??  There's toilet paper on your hands, 
                         too, Kyle. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman's right, Kyle. We're all in 
                         this together.
 
               [Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but 
               begins to have nightmares]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Noo! No.  Noo! 

                                     MRS. DREIBLE
                         AAAAAAAAA!

                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         Honey, what is it?? Oh, Jesus no! Our 
                         house!
 
                                     THE DREIBLE GIRLS
                          Mommy! Mommy!

                                     MR. DREIBLE
                          Whyyy? Whyyy?

                                     KYLE
                          Ah! Oh God! Oh God!

               [South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their regular 
               classroom chatting, waiting for class to begin.]
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, uh, you guys here what happened 
                         last night? Mrs. Dreible's house got 
                         covered with toilet paper.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah. They say it's gonna take three 
                         weeks to get it all down.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah? Well, Ol' Mrs. Dreible probably 
                         had it comin' to her.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         I don't know. I don't think anybody 
                         deserves that kind of brutality.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I understand the people who did 
                         it weren't caughts, so-o... Looks like 
                         nobody will ever know the geniuses who 
                         masterminded that perfect crime. 
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay children, let's take our seats. 
                         Oh, uh, Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, 
                         the counselor wants to see you in his 
                         office, now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Damn!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh God!

               [Outside the counselor's office. The boys sit on chairs next 
               to the door - the bench is gone. Kyle looks around nervously]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         How the hell did they find out it was 
                         us that TP'ed that house?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Will you relax, Kyle?! They have nothing 
                         on us! As long as we all stick to our 
                         story, we'll be fine.
 
                                     STAN
                         We'd better go over our story again 
                         so we don't screw it up.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay. Last night, all four of us were 
                         at the bowling alley until about 7:30, 
                         at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy, 
                         the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club, 
                         was bowling in the lane next to us, 
                         and we asked her for her autograph, 
                         but she didn't have a pen, so we followed 
                         her out to her car, but on the way we 
                         were accosted by five Scientologists 
                         who wanted to give us all personality 
                         tests, which were administered at the 
                         Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, 
                         at which time we accidentally boarded 
                         the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho 
                         de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, 
                         and finally got a ride home with a man 
                         who was missing his left index finger, 
                         named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 
                         11:46.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm confused. Did Ally Sheedy take that 
                         personality test?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yes, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, it's very simple: we followed 
                         Ally Sheedy out to her car, but on the 
                         way we were accosted by five Scientologists 
                         who wanted to give us all personality 
                         tests, which were administered at the 
                         Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, 
                         at which time we accidentally boarded 
                         the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho 
                         de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, 
                         and finally got a ride home with a man 
                         who was missing his left index finger, 
                         named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 
                         11:46, you got it??
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ah, Ah I, ah I thought...

                                     CARTMAN
                          Oh, for Christ's sake!

                                     STAN
                         Look, Kyle, just let Cartman do all 
                         the talking, okay? He's better at being 
                         in trouble than anybody.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Thank you, Stan.  Sh sh, here they come, 
                         here they come.  "And so I said, 'That's 
                         a terrific joke, Wendy. Tell us another 
                         one.'" Oh, hello, Mr. Mackey. Are you 
                         ready to see us now?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         We're gonna talk to you one at a time, 
                         boys, m'kay? Kenny, will you step into 
                         my office, please?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Me??)

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Come on, Kenny, let's go, 'k? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Touché, Mr. Mackey, touché.

                                     KYLE
                         Why are they doing us one at a time?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         They want to see if we mix the story 
                         up, and see if someone will rat out 
                         the other three for a better deal.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          I can get a better deal?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, so help me God, if you Jew us 
                         out on this one, I will fucking kill 
                         you!
 
               [The Dreible house. Mr. Dreible is removing the toilet paper 
               from the trees and house with a broom. He's already filled two 
               trash bags of toilet paper and is filling a third.]
 
                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         There we go. That should be about the 
                         last of it.  Ex- excuse me, uh, wha-what 
                         are you doing?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Crime scene investigation!  There are 
                         several footprints in the snow. Perhaps 
                         more than one perpetrator? 
 
                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         Ah... look, we really don't wanna make 
                         a big deal out of this.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Is that the toilet paper there? I'll 
                         need to take those bags as evidence.
 
                         
                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         Lo-ih ih it's just not that big a deal, 
                         I mean, I toilet-papered houses myself 
                         when I was a kid.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         You?! So where were you last night at 
                         around 9?!
 
                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         I was here.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Aha!! Got you!

                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         Officer, why would I TP my own house?
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Insurance?

                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         It wasn't me, okay? Now, if you don't 
                         mind, I just wanna get my yard back 
                         to normal.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Now you listen to me! Whoever TP'ed 
                         your house is still out there roaming 
                         the streets. It's only a matter of time 
                         before another house and another family 
                         is victimized! I have to stop that from 
                         happening.
 
                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         You really have nothing better to do, 
                         do you?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         No I do not.

               [Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but 
               the nightmares return]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Noo! No.  Noo! 

                                     MRS. DREIBLE
                         AAAAAAAAA!

                                     MR. DREIBLE
                         Oh, Jesus no! Our house!

                                     THE DREIBLE GIRLS
                          Mommy! Mommy!

                                     NANCY KERRIGAN
                          Whyyy? Whyyy? Whyyy?

                                     KYLE
                          Oh God! Oh God! I have to tell the 
                         truth!  Mooooomm! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hello, Kyle. Going somewhere?

                                     KYLE
                         I was... I was just going to get a drink 
                         of water.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No need. I have one for you right here. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh. Okay. Thanks.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Is there anything else I can get for 
                         you?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Noo, I'll just... be... going back to 
                         bed now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You do that. Goodnight, Kyle. 

               [Park County Juvenile Hall, day. Inside, the warden leads Officer 
               Barbrady to Cell Block 4.]
 
                                     WARDEN
                         Josh Meyers TP'ed over six hundred houses 
                         in less than a year.  He's a real monster.
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I just need to talk to someonen who 
                         knows how toilet paperers think.
 
                                     WARDEN
                         Just remember: he'd toilet-paper you 
                         in a second if he had the chance.  He's 
                         the last cell on your left. 
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hello, Josh. My name is Officer Barbrady. 
                         I'm with the South Park police.
 
                                     JOSH
                          That's a terrible cologne you're wearing, 
                         officer. You should try something more... 
                         casual.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I was hoping you could help me solve 
                         a toilet-papering case?
 
                                     JOSH
                         And why would I do that? Because I'm 
                         such a charming fella?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Uh please, I need your help. What would 
                         you want in return?
 
                                     JOSH
                          Due to the harsh nature of my crimes 
                         they don't allow me to have toilet paper 
                         in my cell. You can imagine how bothersome 
                         that becomes.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         You... know I can't give you toilet 
                         paper, Josh.
 
                                     JOSH
                          Nno, but it was worth a try, doesn't 
                         it?  Tell me something, officer: why 
                         is it that you police such a small town. 
                         You must have had larger inspirations. 
                         What happened to those... big-city dreams?
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Well, that's kind of personal.

                                     JOSH
                          Quid pro quo, officer. Tell me what 
                         I want to know. And I'll help you catch 
                         whoever toilet-papered that house.
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Look kid, I have very little time to 
                         catch whoever toilet-papered that house. 
                         Tell me what you know.
 
                                     JOSH
                         Are those the crime scene photos? Let 
                         me see them.  Yes. Yes. Not bad work, 
                         not bad at all. These toilet-paperers 
                         are professional, at least one of them 
                         is.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         So you think there was more than one. 
                         Why?
 
                                     JOSH
                          Tell me something first. When you went 
                         to the academy you had something to 
                         prove. You wanted to protect and serve, 
                         but mostly you wanted to protect yourself. 
                         Who were you protecting yourself from, 
                         Officer Barbrady?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh all right, all right, my uncle Charles 
                         used to hit me with a belt! 
 
                                     JOSH
                          Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are 
                         most like males between the ages of 
                         8 and 10 and probably virgins. Parents 
                         notice that much toilet paper missing, 
                         so they would have to have bought it 
                         themselves. Find out where the toilet 
                         paper came from, officer, and you just 
                         might catch your man.
 
               [South Park Elementary, day. Kids are moving towards their classes, 
               passing each other in the process. Stan and Kenny are talking 
               with Clyde, Craig, and Kevin]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Stan, Kenny, can I talk to you guys 
                         for a second?  I think we have the counselor 
                         and the principal fooled, but we need 
                         to talk about Kyle.
 
                                     STAN
                         What about him?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, you know. He's losing it. He's 
                         gonna crack.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (I think so too.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle can't take the heat; he's gonna 
                         sing like a canary. Then we're all gonna 
                         take the fall for what we did.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Ha-ey fellas. 

                                     STAN
                         Butters. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Look you guys, all it takes is for 
                         one of us to crack, and we all know 
                         who the weakest link is!
 
                                     STAN
                         So what should we do?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We have no choice. We have to kill Kyle.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          ... Dude, we're not killing Kyle!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah!)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why not?

                                     STAN
                         Kyle's not gonna say anything, alright?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         He almost spilled the beans in the counselor's 
                         office! He can't even keep the story 
                         straight! I'm telling you guys, he's 
                         weak. He's weak, and he'll be the end 
                         of all of us. 
 
               [South Park Police Department]

                                     CASHIER
                         You wanted to see me, Officer Barbrady?
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Yes, thanks for coming, Mr. Bell. A 
                         house was TP'ed in South Park and I 
                         need to see if you can identify the 
                         toilet paper I recovered from the scene. 
                          I'm... sorry I have to do this. 
 
                         
                                     MR. BELL
                         Oh my God.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Is this toilet paper from your store?
 
                         
                                     MR. BELL
                         It's... difficult to tell, it's... so 
                         decayed, I... wait a minute, yes. Yes, 
                         I recognize the floral pattern now.
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                          Positive ID on the toilet paper. 
 
                         
                                     MR. BELL
                         Who would... do this to toilet paper? 
                         Who?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Mr. Bell, do you remember anyone suspicious 
                         buying toilet paper in the last few 
                         days?
 
                                     MR. BELL
                         Suspicious like how?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, like someone who was black or 
                         Mexican or Middle Eastern.
 
                                     MR. BELL
                         Nnoo, the only Mexican guy I recall 
                         bought toasted tarts and chips and... 
                         we don't allow Middle Eastern people 
                         in the store.  Oh my God! 
 
               [Stark's Pond, night. A low fog moves over the surface of the 
               water]
 
                                     KYLE
                         What's this all about, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I just wanted to see how you're doing, 
                         Kyle. Why don't we go out for a little 
                         boat ride?
 
                                     KYLE
                         A boat ride?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I just thought we should find a private 
                         place to... talk.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, okay.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Could you help me put this cement block 
                         and chain in the boat?  Okay, let's 
                         go.  So how are things, Kyle?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Terrible. Every time I close my eyes 
                         I see the house we TP'ed. I see the 
                         tears of our art teacher and hear the 
                         screams of her daughters.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And you feel like you have to confess.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         I don't know what to do.  Part of me 
                         feels like I wanna end it all now.  
                         Tell people what heppened. You know, 
                         I never knew how beautiful this pond 
                         was before.  So cold. The world can 
                         feel like that.  So calm on the outside, 
                         as if nothing bad ever happens.  Ow. 
                          What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm killing you. But unfortunately I 
                         could only afford a Wiffle ball bat, 
                         so it's gonna take a while. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take 
                         longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         You wanna kill me?! Fine!  I can't live 
                         like this anymore! Go ahead! Do it! 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Won't be long, Kyle. 

               [Juvenile Hall, day. Barbrady returns to Cell Block 4]

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Josh, I need your help.

                                     JOSH
                         The answer is right in front of you, 
                         but you can't see it.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         How do you mean?

                                     JOSH
                         Tell me, the toilet paper. Was it quilted?
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Yes.

                                     JOSH
                         Single-sheet?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         No, two-ply.  What? What does that tell 
                         you?
 
                                     JOSH
                         Why does one toilet-paper houses

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         To get revenge.

                                     JOSH
                         No, that is incidental. Your toilet-paperers 
                         wanted to transform the art teacher's 
                         house, thus transforming her entire 
                         occupation.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         What do you mean?

                                     JOSH
                         Your uncle, who hit you with a belt. 
                         Was he a large man?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I don't have time for this, kid.

                                     JOSH
                         Did he stink like bayer when he came 
                         home from work all powoor from playin' 
                         down at the pool hiyouse?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Alright alright my dad dressed me up 
                         like a little girl on poker nights and 
                         he made me sit on all my uncles' laps! 
                         
 
                                     JOSH
                         Whoa. Uh, oh. Thank you. Your toilet-paperers 
                         are most likely students in the art 
                         teacher's class, students who aren't 
                         very good at art.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Oh. Of course! One of her students!
 
                         
                                     JOSH
                         Fly along now, Officer Barbrady. You've 
                         got some arrests to make.  Fly fly flyyy. 
                         Fly fly flyyy.
 
                                     WARDEN
                          Josh,  were you doing the silly voice 
                         for the policeman again?
 
                                     JOSH
                          No, sir.

               [Stark's pond, night. Cartman is still whacking away at Kyle, 
               in vain. Stan and Kenny come up in a pedal-powered boat. Both 
               of them are pedaling. Stan looks over]
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, what are you doing?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle 
                         will be dead in a matter of hours.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You don't have to kill Kyle, dude. The 
                         police made an arrest. And the person 
                         confessed!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         They did?

                                     KYLE
                         They did?

                                     STAN
                         They say they got the guy that did it 
                         down at the police station.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Who confessed? That doesn't make any 
                         sense.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         But can I still kill Kyyyle?

               [South Park Police Department, day. The boys head for the station 
               and enter]
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hello boys. How are you?

                                     STAN
                         We heard that you have the person who 
                         TP'ed the art teacher's house? Is that 
                         true?
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         It sure is!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, can we see them-him-her?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Right over here.  Yeah, we interrogated 
                         the suspect for over forty hours, and 
                         he finally cracked. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey fellas!

                                     STAN
                         Butters?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Yep. I'm in jail.

                                     KYLE
                         You con-fessed?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh huh. Unh, they said I TP'ed the art 
                         teacher's house.  I don't seem to remember 
                         it,  but they're pretty sure it was 
                         me.  I just can't get my behavior under 
                         control!
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         His parents are on their way down now.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeah. And boy, are they gonna uh let 
                         me have it! Just wait till my father 
                         gets here!
 
                                     KYLE
                          You guys, we can't let him do this!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you talking about? This is 
                         a gift from God. An early Easter present 
                         all wrapped up in a pretty ribbon from 
                         Jesus Christ himself!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well I'm just a little asshole, is what 
                         I am. When God made me, he must have 
                         not been payin' very close attention, 
                         'cause I turned out wrong! Just plain 
                         wrong!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Officer Barbrady, Butters didn't TP 
                         that house.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Why do you say that?

                                     KYLE
                         Because it was-

                                     CARTMAN
                          Wiffle ball, anyone?  Anyone care for 
                         a nice game of Wiffle ball?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         You know, it's not my parents I'm worried 
                         about. It's my girlfriend, Carrie. Why, 
                         she lives in Michigan. But when she 
                         finds out about this, woooo smokey, 
                         is she gonna be sore! She might even 
                         break up with me. And it would serve 
                         me right, too.
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         All right, boys, visiting time is over. 
                         Thanks for stopping by.
 
               [South Park Police Department, outside. The boys leave the station]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         You see guys, it all worked itself out. 
                         Tadow, tadow, how you like me now? Feel 
                         a little silly now, Kyle? Tadow, how 
                         you like me now?
 
                                     KYLE
                         I still feel bad, Cartman

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? Hu- How can you feel bad? Somebody 
                         else is gonna pay for our crime.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. That makes it even worse.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Bu... ...eh... Kyle, you don't seem 
                         to understand. We're we're not gonna 
                         get punished for this. Ever.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I know.

                                     CARTMAN
                         So... so then, how can you feel bad?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         He feels guilty for doing it and for 
                         letting someone else pay for it.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...But he's not gonna get in trouble.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It doesn't matter if you get in trouble 
                         of not, you can still feel bad.  I think 
                         you're right, Kyle. Maybe we should 
                         confess.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah, maybe we should.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?? Eh...  hey you guys! There's 
                         nothing to feel bad about! We're, we're 
                         off scot-free!
 
                                     KYLE
                         We feel bad for other people.

                                     CARTMAN
                          For oth-er...  Uh. Oww. ...Ih ...Ih, 
                         ih, is it that ...you think you might 
                         get in trouble later?
 
                                     STAN
                         Tomorrow in school we'll all tell the 
                         teacher it was us, and let her decide 
                         what to do.  And Cartman, if you had 
                         any thread of a conscience at all, you'll 
                         do the same! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Eh buh... eh... eh... Freakin' weirdos, 
                         man!
 
               [South Park Police Department. The Stotches arrive at the police 
               station and charge in]
 
                                     CHRIS
                         Well well well! I had to see it to believe 
                         it! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hi, Dad.

                                     CHRIS
                         Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! 
                         Standing behind prison bars! Again!
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Yeahhh.

                                     LINDA
                         What fibs have you been telling this 
                         policeman, Butters?! You know damn well 
                         you didn't toilet-paper that house!
 
                         
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Huh??

                                     CHRIS
                         Butters was with us all night, Officer 
                         Barbrady.
 
                                     LINDA
                         Butters, what have we told you about 
                         confessing to crimes you didn't commit?! 
                         We have had it, mister!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, he kept accusin' me for hours, 
                         and then he shot me up with sodium pentathol.
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         And that's your excuse?!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, looks like I made a mistake. I... 
                         guess I'd better let you out now. 
 
                         
                                     CHRIS
                         Just wait till we get you home, you 
                         little fibber!
 
                                     BUTTERS
                          Officer, can I stay in jail, please?
 
                         
               [The woods near Stark's Pond, evening. Eric appears and calls 
               out to people behind him]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, you guys! Hurry!  Guys, hurry!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          What is it, Cartmam? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's over this way! Come on!

               [Stark's Pond, later. Cartman rows the small boat to the middle 
               of the lake, as he did before with Kyle. Lonely music plays, 
               as before]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         So how are things, guys?

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, we're confessing tomorrow in 
                         school, and that's final.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm afraid I can't let that happen.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         You can't kill all three of us, Cartman!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Can't I? 

               [South Park Elementary, next day. Officer Barbrady enters the 
               principal's office.]
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Excuse me, everyone.  I have someone 
                         with me who can tell us all who toilet-papered 
                         the art teacher's house!  Josh insisted 
                         he be able to tell you the names of 
                         the toilet paperers in person. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, that's nice, Officer Barbrady, but 
                         we actually don't need to know-
 
                                     KYLE
                          Hold it!  Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, 
                         Mrs. Dreible. We have something we need 
                         to tell you.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         All right. Will you people stop barging 
                         into my office, please?
 
                                     JOSH
                         What's the matter, Principal Victoria? 
                         Was your mother abusive? Did she spank 
                         your thighs with cold cuts and stick 
                         umbrellas up your ass?
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                          Get him out of here!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Uh, Policeman Brown, will you take Josh 
                         outside, please?
 
                                     JOSH
                          Ooo, Polceman Brown, never quite made 
                         officer. Why is that, Polceman Brown? 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         We have to confess that we were the 
                         ones that-
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         It's too late, boys, m'kay? We already 
                         know everything.
 
                                     STAN
                         You, you do? How?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hi guys.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman??

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told them everything, you guys. It's 
                         over.
 
                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Luckily for us, one of you had enough 
                         of a conscience to come forward.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         My consciences just caught up with me.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         That's not fair!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         You all get two weeks of detention, 
                         except Eric, who gets one week for being 
                         brave.
 
                                     KYLE
                         But, but he's lying! He doesn't have 
                         a conscience!
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Well, I guess my work here is done. 
                         After all this, I'm gonna need a long 
                         vacation. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         This was supposed to be my story! My 
                         coming to terms with a guilty conscience! 
                         This isn't fair!
 
               [South Park Elementary, hallway outside the principal's office]
 
               
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Okay, Josh, time to go back to the... 
                          Oh no!
 
                                     POLICEMAN BROWN
                         He... He was too fast for me. He ran 
                         out the door!
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Couldn't you have gone after him?

                                     POLICEMAN BROWN
                         Well, ah I'm covered in toilet paper. 
                         I'd look silly.
 
               [South Park Elementary cafeteria, after school. Mr. Mackey addresses 
               the detained. The boys are there, as well as two of the sixth 
               graders, and Craig and Bebe]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Welcome to detention. You will be here 
                         till five o'clock, so make good study 
                         use of your time. M'kay?
 
                                     STAN
                         Wugh! Two weeks of this!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. But I have to say, I feel a lot 
                         better now.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I know what you mean, Kyle. I realize 
                         now that even though you might not get 
                         caught doing something bad, you can 
                         still get caught later.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh Jesus! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         I didn't feel bad before, but now I 
                         just feel terrible.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You just feel bad for yourself that 
                         you're in detention!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Right. I guess I learned today that 
                         sometimes you-
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, stop it, Cartman! You didn't learn 
                         anything! Not a God-damned thing!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hm.

               [South Park Police Department, afternoon. Barbrady stands at 
               his desk. The phone rings and he answers it.]
 
                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Police station.

                                     JOSH
                          Hello Officer Barbrady.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Josh? Josh, where are you?!

               [An undisclosed location, day]

                                     JOSH
                         I'm afraid that giving away my location 
                         might be harmful to my freedom, officer. 
                         I just wanted to thank you for helping 
                         me get out of that dingy cell.
 
               [South Park Police Department]

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Josh, you have to go back to Juvenile 
                         Hall. You only have a three-week sentence.
 
                         
               [the undisclosed location, day]

                                     JOSH
                         Sorry, officer, gotta run. There's something 
                         I've been meaning to do for quite some 
                         time. Ciao. 
 
               THE END

Toilet Paper



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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