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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 111

                                   "Tom's Rhinoplasty"

                                            by

                                       Trey Parker

                

                                          ACT I

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

                                     WENDY
                         Stan, you know it's almost Valentines 
                         day...

                                     STAN
                         I know.

                                     WENDY
                         Maybe we should go on a cruise or 
                         something.

                                     STAN
                         I can't afford a cruise, dude!

                                     WENDY
                              (Sweet)
                         I know, but we could make a little 
                         boat out of cardboard, and pretend 
                         it's a cruise!

               Cartman hears this and just starts laughing his ass off.

                                     STAN
                         Shut up Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         HOO, HOO! OHH THAT IS SO LAME HA HA 
                         HOO HOO!

                                     WENDY
                         And then we could dress up in little 
                         costumes and pretend like we're 
                         getting married.

               Cartman hears this and just starts laughing his ass off again.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Stop, seriously. You're killing me 
                         over here.

               Principal Victoria steps in front of the class.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Children, I have some difficult news 
                         for you... Mr. Garrison won't be 
                         teaching for a while. He has to have 
                         surgery.

               The kids all cheer.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         So you're going to have a substitute 
                         teacher. And I want you to show the 
                         substitute the SAME respect you show 
                         for Mr. Garrison... Yes, little boy?

                                     KYLE
                              (Flatly)
                         We don't have respect for Mr. 
                         Garrison.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh.

               The kids just sit there.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Anyhoo, I want you all to meet your 
                         new substitute... Ms. Ellen.

               MS. ELLEN walks in, she is beautiful and classy.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Hello, children.

                                     STAN AND KYLE
                         Woa...

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, she's PRETTY!!

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph!!

                                     STAN
                         You can say that again!

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph!!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Good Luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get 
                         out of control just use this tear 
                         gas, okay?

               Principal Victoria drops a can of tear gas on the desk and 
               walks out.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Thank you, I'm sure I'll be fine.

               The boys stare, enthralled with the beautiful teacher.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Now, children, I know that you must 
                         be very upset about your teacher 
                         having surgery... But I promise I'll 
                         try to make things as easy as possible 
                         for all of us.

               Stan, Cartman, Kyle and Kenny all have little hearts above 
               their heads and big smiles on their faces.

               Wendy notices Stan's expression, and starts to get worried.

                                     WENDY
                         Stan? Stan?

               Stan is just focused on the teacher.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Now, let me try and learn your names 
                         by your seating assignments.
                              (Reading off of paper)
                         You are... Eric Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes ma'am!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Okay... And
                              (Turning to Stan)
                         YOU must be Stan Marsh!

               Stan vomits all over his desk.

               Wendy's eyes grow huge, she can't believe it.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Do you need to go to the nurse's 
                         office, Stanly?

                                     CARTMAN
                         No, he always pukes when he's in 
                         love.

                                     STAN
                         I'll kick your ass, Cartman!!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         So you're alright?

               Stan pukes.

                                     KYLE
                              (Pointing)
                         Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, 
                         huh!!

               Wendy looks really sad.

               INT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

               Tom the Rhinoplast and Mr. Garrison sit in front of a large 
               computer screen.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I have to admit I'm still embarrassed 
                         about getting a nose job, Tom. I 
                         didn't want people at school to know, 
                         so I told them I had herpes.

                                     TOM
                         You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. 
                         Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery 
                         all the time.

               Tom turns on the computer.

                                     TOM
                         Before we start the surgery, this 
                         computer can help you pick what kind 
                         of nose you want.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wow, isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat?

                                     MR. HAT
                         It sure is, Mr. Garrison.

               Tom hits a few keys on the keyboard. An image of Mr. Garrison 
               comes up on the screen.

                                     TOM
                         Now, we could go with something a 
                         little smaller, which would make you 
                         look like... This.

               The computer image morphs, the little line of Garrison's 
               nose gets a little smaller.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hmm...

                                     TOM
                         Or, we could straighten out the 
                         bridge, which would make you look 
                         like this...

               Again the image changes slightly.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, that's not bad...

                                     TOM
                         Of course we could narrow the bridge, 
                         which would make you look more like -- 
                         This...

               The image of Mr. Garrison morphs into a full color head shot 
               of David Hasslehoff.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         WOW!!! THAT'S IT!! THAT'S THE NOSE I 
                         WANT!!

                                     TOM
                         Alrighty then.

               Tom turns off the computer and takes a few notes.

                                     TOM
                         Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, 
                         that there ARE risks...

               Ominous MUSIC swells up.

                                     TOM
                         You could wind up a hideous, foul, 
                         shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly 
                         ugly that you are forced to live in 
                         the sewers, only emerging at night 
                         to hunt for scraps of food.

               Garrison thinks.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I can live with that.

                                     TOM
                         Alrighty then, let's get started!

               EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

               The boys are all gathered on the playground.

                                     CARTMAN
                         She wasn't looking at you, buttLord! 
                         She was looking at ME.

                                     KYLE
                         Well that goes without saying, Fat 
                         ass -- How could she HELP but look 
                         at you!!

                                     STAN
                         You guys can stop fighting, it was 
                         ME she was checking out.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Until you puked on her.

               Chef walks up.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there, children. What's all 
                         this I'm hearing about a new teacher?

                                     KYLE
                         Ms. Ellen, dude! She's BEAUTIFUL!

               Wendy is sitting on the swingset next to her friend Bebe. 
               Bebe looks at Wendy who is hearing all of this and looking 
               pitiful.

                                     CHEF
                         Is she like, Vanessa Williams 
                         beautiful or Toni Braxton Beautiful?

               The boys think.

                                     CHEF
                         Or Pamela Anderson beautiful?

               The boys don't know.

                                     CHEF
                         Or is she Erin Grey in the second 
                         season of Buck Rodgers beautiful?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, that one!

                                     CHEF
                         WWOOH!!! I gotta meet this woman!!

               Finally, Wendy walks up.

                                     WENDY
                         Stan, Didn't you notice how her left 
                         arm is longer than the right one?

                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     WENDY
                         Well it is!

                                     CHEF
                         That's okay. You know what they say 
                         about women with one arm longer than 
                         the other...

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmph!!

                                     CHEF
                         That's right!

               The boys all laugh merrily.

                                     WENDY
                         Well did you notice that mole on the 
                         back of her neck with the hair growing 
                         out of it?

               Everybody thinks.

                                     CHEF
                         That's okay, you know what they say 
                         about women with a mole on the back 
                         of their necks with hair growing out 
                         of it...

               Pause...

               Kenny looks at Chef, confused.

                                     WENDY
                         Stan, we're still valentines, right?

                                     STAN
                         Sure, Wendy, whatever.

               The boys walk away AD LIBBING lines about Ms. Ellen (She is 
               so pretty) etc.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen 
                         Valentine's day presents!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm going to buy a vacuum cleaner. 
                         Chicks love vacuum cleaners.

               Wendy looks like she's about to cry as SAD MUSIC swells up. 
               TRACK in on Wendy's sad little face as the song begins:

                                     SONG
                         I remember when we were so in 
                         love.........

               As the SONG CONTINUES, we see a montage of Stan and Wendy 
               together:

               From Ep.1: Stan Barfs in the cafeteria. 
               From Ep.1: Stan's Barfs at Stark's Pond. 
               From Ep.7: Stan Barfs in the cemetery. 
               From Ep.1: Stan barfs in Wendy's face.

                                     SONG
                         The moments that we shared were 
                         timeless...

               The song ends, and poor little Wendy walks away, sniffling.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Establishing.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               The children are back in their desks.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Oh, goodness. Would anybody mind 
                         cleaning my erasers after class?

               The boys all shoot their hands up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         ME! ME! ME!

               Bebe Notices Wendy's pitiful expression.

                                     BEBE
                         You guys are so immature! Act like 
                         eight year olds!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Stan, how about you?

               Stan vomits.

                                     STAN
                         I'd love to!

               Wendy looks ready to kill.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Now, children, let's review our 
                         multiplication tables.

               Cartman raises his hand.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What's a multiplication table?

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Didn't Mr. Garrison teach 
                         multiplication?

               The kids all shake their heads.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Well, where did he leave off?

                                     CARTMAN
                         We were learning about how Yasmine 
                         Bleeth was going out with that Richard 
                         Greico guy that used to be on "21 
                         Jump Street", but then he got his 
                         own show for just a little while.

               Chef walks in unannounced.

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, hello!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Can I help you?

                                     CHEF
                              (Suavely)
                         I'm Chef...

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         And?

                                     CHEF
                         I just, uh... I stopped by 'cause 
                         little Kyle forgot his laundry 
                         detergent on the playground.

               Chef holds out a box of Whoosh Laundry Detergent.

                                     KYLE
                         My laundry detergent?

                                     STAN
                         That's not Kyle's lau-

                                     CHEF
                         Shh!

               Chef puts the detergent on Kyle's desk.

                                     CHEF
                         Crazy crackers are always leaving 
                         their detergent all over the place. 
                         What was your name again?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Aside, to Kyle)
                         Oh, oh, Chef's movin' in on Ms. Ellen!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         I'm the substitute.

                                     CHEF
                         Well, I'm sure there's no substitute 
                         for you.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         That's very nice, Mr. Chef. Now if 
                         you're finished-

               MUSIC kicks in.

                                     CHEF
                              (Singing)
                         Nobody could take your place No way 
                         they could match your face 'no, you 
                         got it goin on in a way so clear...
                         I just wanna buy you a beer-or maybe 
                         tonight at seven thirty or something 
                         I could come by and pick you up in 
                         my car... (No Substitute) No 
                         substitute for you, (No substitute) 
                         No baby there's... (No substitute) 
                         for you girl (No substitute) for you 
                         now. You know that it's true, (No 
                         substitute) There's just no substitute 
                         for you.

               As abruptly as it started, the song ends.

                                     STAN
                         We have GOT to learn how to do this, 
                         dude.

                                     KYLE
                         Yup.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         That was enthralling, Mr. Chef. But, 
                         could I get back to teaching now?

                                     CHEF
                         If we can have dinner tonight.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Fine, Chef, just let me do my job 
                         before I get fired.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet 
                         love to Ms. Ellen!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         WHAT?!

               EXT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

               Establish.

               INT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

               We see Tom the Rhinoplast from the camera's P.O.V. Tom is 
               splattered with blood.

                                     TOM
                         Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison?

               The camera JIGGLES a little.

                                     MR. GARRISON (O.S.)
                         Where... Where am I?

               *Note -- Garrison's voice should be EXTREMELY plugged up, 
               like he has a terrible cold.

                                     TOM
                         The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, I feel... Weak... How do I look?

               Now we see Mr. Garrison. His face is completely wrapped with 
               bandages and blood is smeared all over it. He looks like 
               shit.

                                     TOM
                         You look great.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I feel kind of nauseous...

                                     TOM
                         Yes, well, that's to be expected. We 
                         did some major reconstruction. Sawed 
                         through some bone... snapped some 
                         cartilage.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                              (He's gonna puke)
                         wuhh...

                                     TOM
                         All the blood and mucus... Just the 
                         sound of bone and sinew coming 
                         apart... KKKKGH!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         wughhhh...

                                     TOM
                         By the way... Did you ever see that 
                         movie 'Contact'?

               Now Garrison completely loses it. He bends over and vomits 
               through his bandages onto the floor.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, stop! That movie was terrible!!

                                     TOM
                         Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why 
                         don't you get some rest? I'll check 
                         on you a little later...

               Tom walks out.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                              (Weakly)
                         Waited through that entire movie to 
                         see the alien and it was her goddamn 
                         father...

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               The school bell rings and the kids all start filing out.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Okay, kids remember your homework. 
                         We have a lot of catching up to do!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Goodbye, Ms. Ellen!

                                     KYLE
                         Stop kissing ass, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!

               The boys all say goodbye on their way out. Finally, only 
               little Wendy is left.

                                     WENDY
                         Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Of course, Wendy.

               Wendy sits down in the little chair next to the desk.

                                     WENDY
                         I couldn't help but notice you taking 
                         a liking to my boyfriend Stan.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                              (Laughing a little)
                         Oh... Well I've taken a liking to 
                         ALL of you! You're all so young and 
                         cute and full of life!

                                     WENDY
                         Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Of course, Wendy.

               Wendy moves her face in towards Ms. Ellen so that they are 
               almost eye to eye.

                                     WENDY
                         Don't. Fuck. With. Me.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         What?

                                     WENDY
                         You heard me, stay away from my man, 
                         bitch, or I'll whup you're sorry Ho 
                         ass back to last year.

               With that, Wendy hops down off the chair and heads out the 
               door.

                                     WENDY
                         Bye, Ms. Ellen!

               Wendy leaves. Ms. Ellen just sits there with her jaw wide 
               open.

                                          ACT II

               FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               Ms. Ellen is sitting at her desk, surrounded by gift wrapped 
               boxes.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Well, I certainly want to thank you 
                         all you lovely children for the 
                         presents you bought me...

               Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny all glow.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                              (Opening the box)
                         Oh! What a delightful scarf! Thank 
                         you, Kyle!

               Kyle gives a snooty look to other boys, who scowl back at 
               him.

                                     STAN
                              (Coughing)
                         Loser-gift. Loser-gift.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                              (Opening another)
                         And here's one from Kenny... Oh, 
                         thank you very much, Kenny, this is 
                         a very scrumtious looking sausage.

               Kenny laughs, HARD.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                              (Opening another)
                         Oh, and what a nice alarm clock! 
                         Thank you Stan!

               Stan vomits. Wendy fumes.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         And here's another present... From 
                         Wendy!

               She opens the present.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Oh, why it's a dead animal. Thank 
                         you Wendy!

               Wendy fumes some more. Ms. Ellen puts the dead carcass under 
               her desk.

                                     STAN
                         See? She liked my present the best!

                                     KYLE
                         Where's your present Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate 
                         pie, but I left it at home.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Okay, kids, we're going to take a 
                         spelling test now.

               The kids all moan.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         But, as an extra incentive, I'm gonna 
                         take whoever gets the highest score 
                         on the quiz out to dinner!

               The boys faces all light up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, man! I wish I knew how to spell!!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Are there any questions before we 
                         begin? ...Yes, Wendy?

                                     WENDY
                         When someone gets as old as you, do 
                         they have to wear Depends under 
                         garments?

               INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

               The boys are in line for lunch.

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I ACED that test! I'm gonna 
                         win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!

                                     STAN
                         No you're not, I don't think I missed 
                         any!

               Wendy walks up holding her lunch tray.

                                     WENDY
                         Hi, Stan.

                                     STAN
                         I bet I scored a hundred!

                                     WENDY
                              (YELLING)
                         HI, STAN!!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, hi Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. 
                         Ellen was in there taking the biggest 
                         dump I've ever seen.

                                     KYLE
                         No she wasn't!

                                     WENDY
                         Yes she was!

                                     STAN
                         That's impossible.

                                     WENDY
                         Well, she did, and she has horrible, 
                         horrible gas, too. She says she can't 
                         control it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nu-uh.

                                     WENDY
                         It smelled like a dead calf rotting 
                         in the hot sun.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh Cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, Wendy, seriously, you need 
                         to stop with this whole jealousy 
                         thing.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, you're acting like a freak, 
                         Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                              (Like a freak)
                         NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREAK!

               Wendy walks away, pissed.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh man, someone's got to pull that 
                         monkey out of Wendy's ass.

               The boys walk into the kitchen.

                                     CHEF
                              (Sad)
                         Hello there, children.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh hey, Chef.

                                     KYLE
                         How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?

                                     CHEF
                         Not too good.

               Chef looks almost ready to cry.

                                     STAN
                         What happened? Didn't you make sweet 
                         love to her?

                                     CHEF
                         No, no! She's not like that. You 
                         see... How do I put this... Children, 
                         Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for 
                         the right team.

               The boys look confused.

                                     CHEF
                         In other words, children... She's 
                         not a member of the heterosexual 
                         persuasion.

               The boys look more confused.

                                     CHEF
                         Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!

                                     STAN
                         A what-bian?

                                     KYLE
                         A plebeian?

                                     CHEF
                         You boys don't know what a lesbian 
                         is?

               The boys turn to Kenny.

                                     STAN
                         Kenny?

               Kenny thinks long and hard, and finally just shrugs.

                                     STAN
                         No. Explain it to us, Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         Uhh, that's okay. Uhh... Look, all 
                         you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a 
                         lesbian, and that means she only 
                         likes OTHER lesbians.

                                     STAN
                         Oh.

                                     CHEF
                         Now, move along, children. You're 
                         holding up the line.

               The boys take their trays and head out.

                                     KYLE
                         Weak, dude. She only likes other 
                         lesbians?

                                     STAN
                         Hey, man, if she only likes other 
                         lesbians, then all we gotta do is 
                         become lesbians too!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, Yeah!

               The boys all head offscreen.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, you know what? My grandma 
                         was Dutch-Irish and my grandpa was 
                         lesbian! That makes me quarter 
                         lesbian!

                                     STAN
                         You're just saying that Cartman!!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I am TOO!!

               INT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

                                     TOM
                         Okay, only a few more bandages to 
                         go...

               Tom unwinds the last of the bandages.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well?

                                     TOM
                         Take a look for yourself.

               Tom hands Garrison a mirror, as soon as the mirror comes up, 
               we TRACK AROUND to a front view of Garrison.

               His face looks EXACTLY like David Hasslehoff. In fact, it IS 
               David Hasslehoff. A color photo cut out slapped on Garrison's 
               body.

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         Wow! That's a pretty good nose job! 
                         What do you think, Mr. Hat?

                                     MR. HAT
                         I think it looks great!

                                     TOM
                         Yes, I think once the swelling goes 
                         down you'll really notice a 
                         difference.

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The boys walk in to find Cartman down on all fours with his 
               face to the floor.

                                     STAN
                         What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

               Cartman sits up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom said if you want to become a 
                         lesbian you have to lick carpet.

                                     KYLE
                         Really?

                                     STAN
                         Well I got a Indiglo girls CD. The 
                         guy at the record store said it was 
                         perfect.

               Stan puts the CD in a CD player.

                                     KYLE
                         And I got these killer Berkenstocks.

               Kyle puts on the shoes.

               The boys all get down on their hands and knees and start 
               licking the carpet as the Indigo girls play in the background.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is a bunch of crap! I've been 
                         licking this carpet for THREE HOURS 
                         and I still don't feel like a lesbian!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK MALL - DAY

               The song SHADOW DANCIN' by Andy Gibb starts up as we follow 
               Mr. Garrison's feet walking down the street a la Travolta.

               The camera PANS UP to reveal Mr. Garrison (still with is 
               Hasslehoff head, of course) walking proudly.

               He passes an attractive forty-something woman, Mrs. Kimble.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Hi, Mrs. Kimble.

                                     MRS. KIMBLE
                              (hot for him)
                         Oh, howdy, Mr. Garrison. Say honey, 
                         you look kinda different...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Really?

                                     MRS. KIMBLE
                         Did you get a haircut?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, but thanks for asking.

               Garrison struts on down the street as the song continues, 
               with a big smile on his face.

                                     MRS. KIMBLE
                         Call me! I'm in the book!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wow, Mr. Hat... Having a nose job is 
                         even better than I thought! There's 
                         a whole WORLD of opportunity opening 
                         up in front of us!

               EXT. WENDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               It looks like every other house in South Park.

               INT. WENDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               Wendy answers her door.

                                     WENDY
                         Thanks for coming over, Bebe.

                                     BEBE
                         That's okay, Wendy. I brought my 
                         make-up kit like you asked me. What 
                         are we doing, anyway?

                                     WENDY
                         That mean ol' substitute isn't going 
                         to stop until she takes everything 
                         from me, Bebe.

                                     BEBE
                         Really?

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah. What I'd really like to do is 
                         load her into a rocket and have her 
                         shot into the center of the sun.

               Bebe's eyes get big.

                                     WENDY
                         But instead, I'll just get Stan to 
                         notice ME again. Bebe, I need a 
                         MAKEOVER!

                                     BEBE
                         Oh, cool!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING

               It's day again in South Park.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               The boys are settling into their desks.

                                     STAN
                         I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see 
                         what a raging lesbian I am!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm a bigger lesbian than you!

                                     STAN
                         No, you're a FATTER lesbian than me.

                                     KYLE
                         Screw you guys, I'm KING lesbian!!

               Suddenly, all the children GASP.

                                     CLYDE
                         WOA!!! Is that Wendy Testaburger?!

               The boys all turn their heads to the door, where Wendy has 
               just walked in.

               She is dressed all in black leather, with her hair frizzled 
               out like Olivia Newton John in 'Grease'.

               'Grease' type music plays as Wendy makes her way across the 
               classroom.

                                     WENDY
                              (Bitchy and cool)
                         Hi guys, What's up?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow... Wendy looks just like that 
                         chick from grease, Elton John.

                                     STAN
                         Wow.

               Wendy sits down.

                                     STAN
                         Hi, Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         Oh, hi Stan.

               Wendy leans over and whispers to Bebe.

                                     WENDY
                         I think it worked, Bebe!

                                     BEBE
                         Yeah!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Good morning children!

               The camera WHIP PANS over to Ms. Ellen, who happens to be 
               wearing black leather pants and a stylish black leather 
               jacket.

                                     STAN
                         WWOOOWW!!!!

               'Grease' style music plays as Ms. Ellen walks over to the 
               chalkboard.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Damn! Get down!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah!

               Wendy and Bebe just sit there open mouthed.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Oh, Wendy, you wore black leather, 
                         too!

               Wendy can't speak.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         We're like sisters!!

                                     WENDY
                         DIE!!!!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Alright, kids, I've finished grading 
                         your papers, and the person with the 
                         highest score is...

               Just then, the Garrison-Hasslehoff thing walks into the room.

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         Hello there, children!

                                     STAN
                         Oh no, Mr. Garrison's back!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, weak, dude.

               Wendy, however is absolutely ecstatic. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays 
               as the camera ZOOMS IN on her happy, happy face.

                                     WENDY
                         Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. 
                         Garrison!

               Wendy does some cartwheels as happy MUSIC kicks in.

                                     WENDY
                              (Singing)
                         He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison 
                         is back!

               She cartwheels up to Ms. Ellen.

                                     WENDY
                         So long, SUBSTITUTE! Don't let the 
                         door hit your ass on the way out 
                         now!

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         Children, I have a very important 
                         announcement to make...

               Wendy calms down.

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         I'm quitting my job as a teacher.

               SCREECH!! The music comes to a halt.

                                     WENDY
                         WHAT?!

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         It's strange, but suddenly I feel 
                         really confident about myself, and 
                         I've decided to quit teaching and do 
                         what I've always dreamed of doing... 
                         Hang out and screw hot chicks.

               The kids are all stunned.

                                     WENDY
                         You... You can't!

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         But the good new is, I've already 
                         talked to principal Victoria about 
                         it, and Ms. Ellen can stay on as 
                         your PERMANENT teacher!!

               The kids all CHEER.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Really?

               Principal Victoria walks in.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         That's right, will you stay?

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Well, SURE!

                                     WENDY
                              (Screaming at the top 
                              of her lungs)
                         NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Oh, by the way kids, the person who 
                         scored highest on the quiz and gets 
                         to have dinner on me is... STAN!!

               Stan vomits.

                                     STAN
                         Kick ass!

                                     WENDY
                         NOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh, and Wendy I almost forgot. We 
                         just got a call in the office, your 
                         grandma just died.

                                     WENDY
                         AAAAAGGHHGHGHGH!!!!!!! AAGAHGAH!!! 
                         AGHAGAHGAH!!!!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Oh my! What an exciting day!!

                                         ACT III

               SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK

               INT. PHOTO STUDIO - DAY

               Garrison, with his Hasslehoff head, is posing for a 
               photographer. Behind him is a white sheet, and lights are on 
               either side. Garrison has his shirt unbuttoned.

               Funky MUSIC jams as the photographer rolls off shots.

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Great, baby! You're looking great!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat!

                                     MR. HAT
                         You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Okay, just a few hundred more shots 
                         and we'll be done.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         A few HUNDRED?

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         Hey, that's the life of a model, 
                         baby.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, boy, I'm gonna need some more 
                         smack.

                                     PHOTOGRAPHER
                         You got it.

               The music starts up again and Garrison goes back to posing.

               EXT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT

               Establishing.

               INT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT

               Stan and Ellen are at a table eating and laughing.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         I'm very glad we could have dinner 
                         together, Stanly. I want you to know 
                         that I really care about your 
                         education.

               Stan looks like he's gonna puke, but holds it down.

                                     STAN
                         Are we making love?

               Silence...

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Excuse me?

                                     STAN
                         They don't have a fireplace here, we 
                         shouldn't be making love yet.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         What are you talking about?

                                     STAN
                         You have to make love down by the 
                         fire. That's what Chef always says.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Stan, I'm your TEACHER. Okay? We're 
                         only FRIENDS.

                                     STAN
                         But why?

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Well, first of all, you're eight.

                                     STAN
                         It's because I'm not a lesbian isn't 
                         it!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Oh, boy...

               EXT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT

               Over somebody's shoulder, we can see into the lit up window 
               of the restaurant, where Ms. Ellen and Stan are talking.

               It's Wendy. She's looking in from outside in the rain.

               Like a scene from a movie, she just stands there, with a 
               demented look on her rain soaked face -- The light from the 
               neon sign flickering slowly.

                                     WENDY
                         It's over... I give up.

               Wendy lowers her sad little head, and walks away, as sad 
               PIANO MUSIC plays.

               EXT. AVENUE DE LOS MEXICANOS - DAY

               Garrison is walking down the street slowly.

                                     GARRISON
                         Boy, I'll tell you something Mr. 
                         Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a 
                         while, but it sure does get boring.

                                     MR. HAT
                         You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!

               Just then, Garrison hears a growing sound. Women screaming...

               Garrison looks over and sees about fifteen South Park women 
               all charging towards him with love in their eyes. They all 
               ad lib ('ooh, there he is' and 'It's him! It's Mr. Garrison!')

                                     GARRISON
                         What the...

               The charging, screaming women surround Garrison, and like 
               crazed Elvis fans start kissing him and tearing off his 
               clothes.

                                     GARRISON
                         Hey wait, wait, wait....AGHAGAH!!! 
                         Mr. Hat save yourself.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               The boys are taking their seats.

                                     KYLE
                         So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen 
                         go?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Did you make love?

                                     STAN
                         I think so!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No way!

                                     STAN
                         Yup.

                                     KYLE
                         Down by the fire?

                                     STAN
                         Yup.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmph rm rmphm 
                         rm?

                                     STAN
                         Did I WHAT?!

               Ms. Ellen walks in. Stan immediately sits upright in his 
               seat and quiets down.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Good morning, children.

               Wendy walks up to Ms. Ellen's desk.

                                     WENDY
                         Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Sure, but can it wait until after 
                         class, Wendy?

                                     WENDY
                         No. I just have to apologize for the 
                         way I've been acting.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Oh, that's okay, Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         No, it's not. Since you're here to 
                         stay, I just hope we can be friends.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Well I would LOVE that, Wendy.

               Now Wendy turns to the entire class.

                                     WENDY
                         And I want to apologize to everybody. 
                         The way I acted was wrong, and I've 
                         learned from it. I just wish Stan 
                         and Ms. Ellen would have all the 
                         happiness in the world.

               Now Stan actually looks kind of sad.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Wendy, there's NOTHING between me 
                         and Stan!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's not what we just heard!!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK SOMEWHERE

               Garrison-Hasslehoff stops running and tries to catch his 
               breath. His clothes are torn to shreds.

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         Oh, Mr. Hat... I hate this, I wish 
                         I'd never had a nose job!!

               In the distance, the SCREAMING WOMEN can be heard.

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         Damn this beautiful face of mine!! 
                         Damn it to hell!!

               The screaming women round the corner. Garrison has to take 
               off running again.

                                     MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
                         We have to go get surgery again, Mr. 
                         Hat!! I want to be the old me again!!

               The screaming women chase Garrison through town.

               Garrison runs into Tom's Rhinoplasty. The screaming women 
               run by.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Okay, children, let's catch up on 
                         our cursive handwriting.

               Wendy is slouched over her desk, looking sad and miserable.

               Suddenly LOUD COMMOTION is heard and 8 fatigue wearing Iraqi 
               soldiers BURST into the room!

                                     IRAQI
                         DOWN! DOWN! EVERYBODY DOWN!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell?!

               The kids all get under their desks. The soldiers take over 
               the room.

                                     IRAQI
                         So, we meet again, Ms. Ellen!!

               Ms. Ellen looks confused.

               Principal Victoria comes running in.

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         And just what is going on here, 
                         mister?

                                     IRAQI
                         I am Hakeem Korashki of the mighty 
                         nation of Iraq! This woman is a 
                         traitor to our government!

               Ms. Ellen stands behind her desk.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         It's a lie!

                                     IRAQI
                         She has killed thousands, and will 
                         kill again I assure you!!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Ms. Ellen is this true?

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         NO!

                                     IRAQI
                         We must take her back to Iraq 
                         immediately!

                                     WENDY
                         OH, COOL!!!

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         Principal Victoria, please!

                                     IRAQI
                         Here is a black and white photo of 
                         Ms. Ellen with our leader-

               A black and white photo of Ms. Ellen and Sadaam Hussein.

                                     IRAQI
                         Her REAL name is Makesh Alak 
                         Makarakesh!

                                     PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                         Well, Ms. Makarakesh, you certainly 
                         tried to put one over on US, boy 
                         howdy!! Take her away!

               The soldiers run toward Ms. Ellen. But Ms. Ellen grabs one 
               of their swords and it slips out of her hand.

               The sword flies throughout the air and hits Kenny between 
               the eyes pining him to the wall.

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God! She killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastard!!

               Ms. Ellen can't believe it either. The soldiers grab Ms. 
               Ellen by the arms and lead her out.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                         NO!! NOOO!!!

                                     WENDY
                         Wow! What incredible irony!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

               Police cars, fire trucks, ambulances and helicopters swarm 
               the little school.

               Stan and Wendy stand amongst the horde of onlookers.

                                     STAN
                         Wow... I can't believe Ms. Ellen was 
                         a criminal Iraqi fugitive...

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah, you just never know.

                                     STAN
                         Well, I guess...I'm sorry that I was 
                         ignoring you and stuff.

               Wendy smiles.

                                     WENDY
                         Happy Valentines Day, Stan.

               Wendy puckers. Stan looks a little scared, but then moves 
               his mouth towards hers...

               Both kids open their mouths slightly...

               Stan vomits into Wendy's open mouth.

                                     WENDY
                         EW!!!

                                     STAN
                         Sorry.

                                     WENDY
                         No, it's okay Stan! Everything's 
                         going to be okay!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, are you still trying to 
                         become a lesbian?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah dude, my mom says all I have to 
                         do is chow on this box.

               THIRD COMMERCIAL BREAK

               EXT. IRAQ

               Ms. Ellen is being escorted into what appears to be a large 
               missile.

                                     IRAQI
                         For crimes against this country, you 
                         are hereby sentenced to be shot into 
                         the center of the sun.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                              (Struggling)
                         THIS IS ALL A MISTAKE!! THIS CAN'T 
                         BE HAPPENING!!

               Ms. Ellen is thrown in the missile and the large door is 
               closed. We can see her through one of the windows, banging 
               on it.

                                     MS. ELLEN
                              (Muffled)
                         PLEASE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

                                     IRAQI
                         SHAVA!!!

               Another Iraqi hits a switch-

               -and the missile blasts off into the sky. FWWWOOOMMM!!!!

               EXT. WENDY'S HOUSE - DAY

               Establishing.

               EXT. WENDY'S BACK YARD

               Wendy has a little pool in her backyard, where she is having 
               a medium sized party.

               Adults are CHATTERING and drinking as Wendy sits in a small 
               little lounger next to Bebe. Both of them have frozen drinks 
               and sunglasses on.

               Several Women walk over to Wendy with their cocktails, oddly 
               enough, they are the women who were chasing Garrison.

                                     MRS. KIMBLE
                         Great Party, Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         Thanks, Mrs. Kimble, thanks for 
                         helping me get Mr. Garrison to come 
                         back as a teacher.

                                     MRS. KIMBLE
                         Anything for you, sugarpie.

               Kyle walks up.

                                     WENDY
                         Oh, hi, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         I've been thinking, Wendy... This 
                         whole outcome is pretty strange...

                                     WENDY
                         Uh-huh, excuse me.

               Wendy to turns to a bunch of Iraqi's who are waiting in line.

                                     WENDY
                         Ga pharat ket latn blak.

                                     IRAQI
                         Koorat de latn blak.

                                     WENDY
                         Latn korat de pharat ket latn blak.

                                     IRAQI
                         Laken blak ba la laken.

                                     WENDY
                         Kraken blak la blaken lak

                                     IRAQI
                         Iraken blak laken pharat.

               The Iraqis walk away, pleased.

                                     KYLE
                         How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly 
                         arrested for...

                                     WENDY
                         Wait, wait!! Shh!! It's time to whip 
                         out the eclipse shoe boxes!

               Wendy holds up a shoebox to her eye.

               ANGLE - SHOEBOX

               We see the tiniest little splotz hit the sun and immediately 
               get engulfed.

               RESUME - WENDY

                                     WENDY
                         Bye, bye, Ms. Ellen.

                                     KYLE
                         Wendy, you didn't!

               Wendy says nothing. She just starts laughing.

               Kyle's eyes grow wide as Wendy's laugh turns completely 
               insane.

                                     WENDY
                         I told her! Don't fuck with Wendy 
                         Testaburger!!

                                         THE END

Tom's rhinoplasty



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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