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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 508


                                      "TOWELIE"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Stan's house, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are in the living room 
               playing video games.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         HA! I killed you!

                                     STAN
                         HA, I blew your head off!

                                     KENNY
                         (Aw, Goddamnit!)

                                     STAN
                         Jesus, is Cartman still in the bathroom?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hey Cartman! We're almost to level 20! 
                         You giving birth in there, or what?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Let a man take a crap!

                                     STAN
                         Dude, he's in there punishing my toilet.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Hyeah, that poor, poor thing

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Cartman! You're missing the 
                         game!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          I'm almost done, you smartasses! I'm 
                         just wipin' mah- whoa, what the hell 
                         is that?  You guys, look what I found 
                         in the trashcan in Stan's bathroom. 
                         It's like a bloody cotton thing wrapped 
                         in toilet paper.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, why did you pull it out of the 
                         trash?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Because I thought it was a jelly doughnut, 
                         but look, check it out, it's all bloody.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Are you guys still playing that video 
                         game?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. Hay Mom, Cartman found a bloody 
                         cotton thing in the bathroom.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Look.  But I don't think it's for usin', 
                         I think it's just for lookin' through. 
                         
 
                                     SHARON
                         Eric, put that down!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why?

                                     SHARON
                         Just go put it back in the trashcan!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, it's like all bloody. It might 
                         be alive.
 
                                     SHARON
                         No that... that came from me; just put 
                         it away.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This came out of you?? You just left 
                         it in the trashcan?!  You shouldn'ta 
                         done that. He's just a boih. Poor little 
                         feller.
 
                                     STAN
                          What is it, Mom?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, what it is, Mrs. Marsh?

                                     SHARON
                         Boys, that a... feminine thing. Alright, 
                         it's a personal, woman thing.  I tell 
                         you what: If you'll just drop the whole 
                         thing right now, I'll buy you that new 
                         video game console you've been wanting.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         The 2001 Okama GameSphere?

                                     SHARON
                         Sure.

                                     KYLE
                         Cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Wow, this is like finding trashcan gold, 
                         you guiys!
 
               [Luau's Toys, day, later. A banner reading "WE HAVE GAMESPHERE" 
               hangs over the window, and the console itself is in the window 
               display.]
 
                                     STAN
                         There it is. The Okama GameSphere. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it's got a hundred twenty eight 
                         gigahertz DRAM
 
                                     STAN
                         What's that?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know, but it kicks ass.  Wow, 
                         dude, you're the luckiest kid in South 
                         Park.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, this is all of ours. I'm the one 
                         who found Stan's aborted brother in 
                         the trashcan and blackmailed his mom 
                         into getting the GameSphere. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, alright, but you guys gotta 
                         see if you can sleep over for the rest 
                         of the weekend.  It's Saturday at 2:30 
                         - that means we have... 39 hours to 
                         play GameSphere until school on Monday!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohoo!)

                                     KYLE
                         Awesome!  Oh, crap.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm supposed to go to the lake with 
                         my family tomorrow and swim and play 
                         in the stupid sun.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we got GameSphere.

                                     KYLE
                         I know, I know. Well, look: I'll stay 
                         over anyway so I can play for... eighteen 
                         hours, and then I'll go to the lake. 
                         
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         Don't forget to bring a towel. 

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     TOWELIE
                         When you get out of the water you need 
                         to dry off right away to avoid catchin' 
                         a cold. That's why Towelie says, "Don't 
                         forget to bring a towel."
 
                                     STAN
                         ...O-kay.

                                     KYLE
                         Thanks, Towelie.

               Towelie	[after a few moments of silence] Do you wanna get high?
 
               
                                     STAN
                         No. 

                                     KYLE
                         Anyway, that will give me plenty of 
                         time playing video games.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Kyle, I think you underestimate Okama 
                         GameSphere.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Here you go, boys. 

                                     BOYS
                         AAAAAA.

               [Stan's house, later. In the living room, Kyle finishes connecting 
               the GameSphere to the back of the TV]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay, turn it on.

                                     TV
                         "Okama GameSphere"

                                     BOYS
                         Whoa!

                                     TV
                          Thirst For BLOOD

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah, Thirst for Blood. Bring it.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, this is so cool.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Bring it, bring it! 

               [Stan's house, night. The boys have been playing for hours. Around 
               them are empty boxes of Cheesy Poofs and cans of Zoop soda. On 
               the sofa is a bag of chips. Stan's parents walk up to the boys.]
 
               
                                     SHARON
                         Goodnight, boys. Don't stay up too late.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         G'night Mom, thanks for GameSphere.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Yeah, but you still shouldn'ta done 
                         that. 'E's just a boih.
 
                                     RANDY
                         What?

                                     SHARON
                         Nothing. Come on, Randy. 

               [Stan's house, Sunday morning, dawn. The boys have stayed up 
               all night playing video games. Kyle is on the phone with his 
               parents.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeahyeah, Mom. I-I can't go to the lake. 
                         No, S-stan's having emotional problems 
                         and I need to help see him through it. 
                         He's got-  wha-what is it?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Date-rape psychosis.

                                     KYLE
                         Date-rape something. Yeah. Okay. I will. 
                         Okay, thanks, Mon.  I don't have to 
                         go outside!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Awesome!

                                     KYLE
                         She said it's fine, but that I still 
                         have to go to baseball practice tonight..
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh, yeah, we got baseball practice today. 
                         God damnit!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We shouldn't have this many responsibilities! 
                         We're children!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well, it's alright. We can still play 
                         for  six more hours, and then we'll 
                         go play baseball.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                          Don't forget to bring a towel.

                                     KYLE
                         Uh no.

                                     TOWELIE
                         When you're playin' sports, the sweat 
                         can get in your face. That's why Towelie 
                         says, "Always keep an extra towel in 
                         your duffle bag."
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, we will.

                                     TOWELIE
                          Alright!  Do you wanna get high?

                                     KYLE
                         No we don't wanna get high!

                                     TOWELIE
                         Okay... You sure?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes! Go away, you stupid towel! 

                                     STAN
                         Oh, dude! Did you see that? I cut off 
                         your face and ate it!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's... so... cool!

               [Stan's house, later... The boys have repositioned themselves 
               and look half-asleep from all the game play. Doughnuts and ice 
               cream appear - a cone is on the rug with its ice cream melting. 
               Sharon walks up to them again.]
 
                                     SHARON
                         Okay, boys, that's it. You have to go 
                         now.
 
                                     STAN
                         No no, it's okay, Mom. We c-we can't 
                         go to baseball practice 'cause Kyle 
                         has cancer.
 
                                     SHARON
                         No, Stanley, it's Monday morning. You 
                         have to go to school.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         It's Monday?

                                     STAN
                         Oh, uh, I'm sick.

                                     KYLE
                         Me too.

                                     SHARON
                         No, you're not sick. Now get to school. 
                          All of you.
 
                                     STAN
                         But Mom...

                                     SHARNO
                         Go!

                                     BOYS
                         Aagh!

               [Bus stop, moments later. The boys are now waiting for the bus.]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Can't believe we have to go to school!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, real life is so boring and stupid.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We just have to try and make the day 
                         go as fast as possible so we can get 
                         back to GameSphere. 
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Hello, boys, how are you?

                                     STAN
                         Fine.

                                     COMMANDER
                         Say, boys, this may sound a little ...odd, 
                         but... have you see a ...talking ...towel 
                         around anywhere.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What? You mean Towelie? 

                                     COMMANDER
                         Echo, this is Garrett. I've got a code 
                         5 at...  Park County, Colorado! Repeat! 
                         Code 5, Park County Colorado! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What, dude? 

                                     STAN
                         This is gonna be one looong-ass day. 
                         
 
               [Stan's house, Mondy afternoon. The boys arrive there from the 
               bus stop]
 
                                     STAN
                         That was the longest day of school ever!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Come on, hurry. I bet we can get to 
                         level 29! 
 
               [Stan's house, living room. The boys stand in from of the television]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Where is it?

                                     STAN
                         It... it was right here.

                                     KYLE
                         Where the hell is it??

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, man, this isn't funny!  I need 
                         my fix! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hello?

                                     VOICE
                         If you ever wanna see your Okama GameSphere 
                         again, you will bring us the towel. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         What? Who-who is this?

                                     VOICE
                         Just get the towel and meet us at the 
                         gas station outside of town. Or else! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Don't hurt it! 

                                     KYLE
                         What? 

                                     STAN
                         They've taken it. They've taken our 
                         Okama GameSphere.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          No! ...No!

                                     KYLE
                         Uh-uh-uh what do you mean "they've taken 
                         it"? Oh, this isn't happening! This 
                         isn't happening!!
 
               [South Park, sunset. The boys walk down Main Street.]

                                     STAN
                         Towelie!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, towel!

                                     KYLE
                         Where the hell is he?

                                     KENNY
                         (I don't know. Where could it be?)
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I don't know. They guy on the phone 
                         thought we had Towelie, so now we gotta 
                         find him.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What has this world come to? Where people 
                         can just... take your Okama GameSphere.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey maybe we'd better do a towel call. 
                          Gebaayybeh!  Gebaayybeh!
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's a towel call?

                                     STAN
                         This is hopeless. We're never gonna 
                         find him.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hey, wait a minute. Towelie always showed 
                         up to give us towel advice when we'd 
                         said something about water.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey yeah.  Well guys, let's go to the 
                         swimming pool!  Aaah. Let's go take 
                         a shower!  Let's go waterskiing!
 
                                     TOWELIE
                          Don't forget to bring a towel.

                                     KYLE
                         There he is!

                                     TOWELIE
                         Be sure to bring a towel so you don't 
                         get aaall wet. .
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, dude! 

                                     TOWELIE
                         Where are we goin'?

                                     KYLE
                         Just come on! It's getting dark.

                                     TOWELIE
                         Are we gonna get high?

               [Outskirts of South Park, night. A full moon shines down on the 
               boys as they reach the gas station]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Are you sure this is where they said 
                         to be?
 
                                     STAN
                         They said the gas station outside of 
                         town.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         Well, I'm gonna get a little high. 
 
                         
                                     MAN
                         Hold it! 

                                     STAN
                         Who is that? 

                                     MAN
                         Step... away... from the towel! 

                                     OFFICIAL
                         There you are, towel. We've been looking 
                         all over for you.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         If you ever go to a hotel, be sure to 
                         bring your own towel.
 
                                     OFFICIAL
                         It isn't safe for you out here, towel. 
                         There are people out here to mean to 
                         harm you.
 
                                     STAN
                         'Scuse me, can we have our Okama GameSphere 
                         back? We just wanna play video games.
 
                         
                                     OFFICIAL
                         Your what?

                                     KYLE
                         Agh! Look, dude, we're on level 24, 
                         about to cross into the Caverns of Madness!
 
                         
                                     OFFICIAL
                         I don't know what you're talking about.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         You called us and said if we brought 
                         the towel you'd give us our video game 
                         back.
 
                                     OFFICIAL
                         Omigod!  IT"S A TRAP!! 

                                     MAN 2
                         Cover! Cover! 

                                     STAN
                         Goddamnit, what now?!

                                     OFFICIAL
                         Run, towel! 

                                     STAN
                          Agh. Come on, they've gotta have our 
                         video game around here somwhere. 
 
                         
                                     SOLDIER 1
                         Where's the towel?!

                                     SOLDIER 2
                         It can't be far!  Alvarez, you and Mitchell 
                         sweep left!
 
                                     GUARD
                          Hurry! You must get the towel back 
                         to Tynacorp!
 
                                     STAN
                          Where is our Okama GameSphere?

                                     GUARD
                         Get the towel home  They will explain 
                         everything. Please, hurry! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Aw, God-damnit!

                                     STAN
                         Do you know where he's talking about, 
                         Towelie?
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         What? Oh yeah, back at the base. It's 
                         a long ways away.
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, we're gonna have to use this 
                         truck. Come on, guys. 
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Well?

                                     SOLDIER
                         They've gone, sir. It's like they've 
                         vanished out of thin air.
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Damnit! I knew those boys were protecting 
                         that towel.  They must have some unexplainable 
                         bond with it.
 
                                     SOLDIER 2
                         Perhaps they're telepathically linked 
                         to the towel, sir, like E.T. 
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         It could already be anywhere, hiding 
                         out again. No, the time for being nice 
                         is over. We must instigate... Plan B.
 
                         
                                     SOLDIER 3
                         You mean...?

                                     COMMANDER
                         Yes.  Destroy all towels within a thousand 
                         mile radius. 
 
               [A desert, later that night. The truck rolls along... Stan steers, 
               Kyle, Towelie, and Cartman ride along. Kenny mans the pedals]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Are we getting close?

                                     TOWELIE
                         I think so.

                                     STAN
                         A little more gas, Kenny. 

                                     KYLE
                         How long has it been since you've been 
                         back there.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         I've been wanderin' around on my own 
                         for the past few weeks. You know, helpin' 
                         people out with towel safety and proper 
                         towel use. It's important.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         No it isn't.

                                     TOWELIE
                         Is!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No it isn't.

                                     TOWELIE
                         Is! Wait, turn down here. It's down 
                         this dirt road.
 
                                     STAN
                         Brake, Kenny, brake. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Egh!

                                     TOWELIE
                         M-maybe it's down that dirt road.

                                     STAN
                          Dude, don't you remember where it is?
 
                         
                                     TOWELIE
                         I can't remember, it all looks the same. 
                         Hold on, let me get high.  then I'll 
                         remember where it is. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, so where is it?

                                     TOWELIE
                         Where's what?

                                     BOYS
                         Agh!

                                     KYLE
                         The base where you're from and where 
                         our Okama GameSphere is! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, that does it! Brake angrily, 
                         Kenny!  Now listen, Towelie, we've just 
                         about had it with you!
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         Well calm down.

                                     KYLE
                         That's it!  You're not getting high 
                         again until we have our Okama GameSphere 
                         back!
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         That's my last joint, asshole!

                                     KYLE
                         I don't care! You'd better remember 
                         where your base is!
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         Oh man, why is everyone riding me today? 
                         God-damnit.
 
               [A purple house, night. Inside, in the restroom, a woman washes 
               her hands and face, then pulls a towel out of its rack to dry 
               herself]
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Kevin? Don't forget to wrap the potato 
                         salad in aluminum foil.  Kevin, is that 
                         you?
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Harris! Reach bang and clear!

                                     WOMAN
                         Hello?  WAAH!  Ohmigod! Oh no! Ohmigod! 
                         
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Alright, it's clear! It's clear! 

               [a backyard. Mrs. Tweek pulls down some clothes she's had drying 
               on clotheslines. As she nears the towels, three soldiers rush 
               in and start firing away at them]
 
                                     SOLDIERS
                         HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! 
                         
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Let's go let'sg o! 

               [A men's gym shower, night. Mr. Garrison is in the shower with 
               two other men. He finishes and wraps a white towel with blue 
               stripes around his waist, then walks towards his locker]
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Get it!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the? 

                                     SOLDIER
                         Throw it down! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh alright, have your way with me if 
                         you must! Go on, fulfill you sick pleasures! 
                         
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Alright, let's go! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Huh where are you goin'?

               [The truck the boys are driving pulls up in front of a gleaming 
               glass building with "TYNACORP" above the entrance, and the boys 
               pour out with Towelie]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         This is where you came from?

                                     TOWELIE
                         Yeah, I think so.  Oh man.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     TOWELIE
                         I'm so high right now. I have no idea 
                         what's goin' on. 
 
               [Tynacorp, inside. The boys walk down a long passageway]

                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Welcome home, Smart Towel RG-400.

                                     STAN
                         Ah hi, is this where our Okama GameSphere 
                         is?
 
                                     KYLE
                         We're missing out on some quality video 
                         game time right now.
 
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Thank you for bringing him to us, boys. 
                         You see, this is not an ordinary towel. 
                         He is the RG-400 Smart Towel, designed 
                         with a computer chip inside the terry 
                         cloth
 
                                     STAN
                         We don't care.

                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         You see, here at Tynacorp, our goal 
                         was to make the perfect towel. A towel 
                         that would sense how wet or dry the 
                         user's skin was and fluff itself accordingly.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, we don't care.

                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Towelie was our greatest success. Smart 
                         enough to beat the average human at 
                         chess and absorbent enough to soak up 
                         even the toughest spills. But then one 
                         day, Towelie got high and just sort 
                         of wandered off.
 
                                     STAN
                         We... don't... care.

                                     KYLE
                         All we wanna know is, who has our Okama 
                         GameSphere?
 
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Ah yes, your video game. I'm afraid 
                         that what we all experienced was a trap. 
                         They called you and said to bring the 
                         towel, and then they called us and said 
                         they were bringing Towelie back. Their 
                         plan was to wipe us all out with one 
                         fell swoop.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Who's they?

                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Why, the military. You see, after Towelie 
                         got high and wandered off from here, 
                         the military got a hold of him. They 
                         wanted to turn Towelie into a weapon 
                         of mass destruction.
 
                                     STAN
                          Don't care, don't care, don't care.
 
                         
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Towelie was at their base for months 
                         as they tried to copy his TNA. But then, 
                         one day, Towelie got high and just sort 
                         of wandered off. Again.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Goddamnit! Can we please... just get 
                         back to playing our video game, PLEASE?!
 
                         
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         I'm afraid not. Because your Okama GameSphere 
                         is at "their" base.
 
                                     STAN
                         Can you tell us where "that" is, please?
 
                         
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         You mean to go right into their base? 
                          Of course. The entry code should still 
                         be in Towelie's memory banks. You could 
                         sneak him in there and recover his TNA. 
                         Great plan.
 
               [Secret Government Base, night. Inside, various military officials 
               man a command center. Two soldiers walk up to the commander and 
               salute him]
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Sir! Sargeant Masters and Boll are reporting, 
                         sir!
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Ah yes.  Tell me, Marine, did you accomplish 
                         your primary goal?
 
                                     SGT MASTERS
                         Sir yes sir! All towels have been destroyed! 
                         The Smart Towel is no doubt eliminated.
 
                         
                                     COMMANDER
                         Ahh. And you're... quite sure of this. 
                         
 
                                     SGT BOLL
                         Eh yes sir, there isn't a towel left 
                         within a hundred miles.
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Hmm...  So perhaps, then, you can explain 
                         to me why we just got footage of the 
                         towel returning to Tynacorp?!
 
                                     SGT MASTERS
                         Oo we...

                                     SGT BOLL
                         He must have outsmarted us, sir.

                                     COMMANDER
                         Well I'm through playing hide and seek! 
                         We've got no other choice! Prepare to 
                         blow up all of Colorado!
 
               [The night sky. Clouds float by overhead, past the full moon. 
               A helicopter flies into the sky and the camera follows it. Two 
               officials prepare the boys for dives into the military base as 
               the research leader talks]
 
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         In a moment we will be over the base. 
                         This is the only way in. Any attempts 
                         on the ground would be easily spotted 
                         by guard posts.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Okay.

                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                          I hate to send you back in there, Towelie, 
                         but only you have their security system 
                         in your memory banks.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         That's alright. It's always good to 
                         bring a towel.
 
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Good luck, boys. The fate of the world 
                         is depending on you.
 
                                     STAN
                         We're not doing it for the world, we're 
                         doing it for our video game. God, are 
                         you deaf?
 
                                     GUARD
                         Alright, boys. When you drop from the 
                         plane, cover and roll. Got it?
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah. 

                                     GUARD
                         Go go go go go go! 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, I figured it out.

                                     STAN
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         If we can go in, and get the GameSphere 
                         in 30 minutes, we could still be back 
                         at your house playing video games by 
                         midnight!
 
                                     STAN
                         So that'd be, like what, eight hours 
                         we could play before school?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Seven and a half.

                                     STAN
                          Hurry up, stupid parachute!

               [Secret Government Base, night. The boys land silently and start 
               walking]
 
               Cartman	Alright, I think we go over there. [the Secret Government 
               Base entrance is shown with Towelie and the boys approaching 
               the gate]
 
                                     TOWELIE
                          Let's see.  No. 

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Towelie! The guy said you have 
                         the security system in your memory banks.
 
                         
                                     TOWELIE
                         Hey it's been a long time!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You just have no long-term memory 'cause 
                         you get high all the time!
 
                                     TOWELIE
                          Don't preach to me, fatso!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can preach to you all I want, 'cause 
                         you're stupid!
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         You're stupid!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, and you're a towel!

                                     TOWELIE
                         You're a towel!  Just let me get high. 
                         I know I can remember if I get high.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Oh, God damnit! Alright, fine!  Here's 
                         your stupid lighter. 
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         Hold on.  Wait a second  That's it!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         That's it?

                                     TOWELIE
                         Yeah. That's the melody to "Funky Town." 
                          Won't ya take me down... to Funky Town.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, Towelie, the entry code!

                                     TOWELIE
                          For what?

                                     STAN
                         God-damnit, I guess we're gonna have 
                         to climb the stupid fence.
 
               [Secret Government Base, night, inside. The boys climb over the 
               fence and sneak past a soldier without arousing suspicion. They 
               end up at the genetic research building]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well let's look in here. 

                                     TOWELIE CLONE
                         Kill... me... Kill... me.

                                     TOWELIE
                         Oh my God! No-o-o-o!

                                     COMMANDER
                          Well well well. Look what the cat dragged 
                         in.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                          What are these things?

                                     COMMANDER
                         Genetic copies we tried to make with 
                         your TNA. They didn't work too well, 
                         I'm afraid.
 
                                     TOWELIE CLONE
                         Kill... me.

                                     STAN
                         Do you have our Okama GameSphere?

                                     COMMANDER
                         You did very well to get the towel this 
                         far, boys. I wonder: What did they tell 
                         you at Tynacorp? That the big, bad government 
                         wanted to genetically engineer a Towelie 
                         as a weapon? Now let me tell you the 
                         real story.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh God, don't care, don't care.

                                     COMMANDER
                          Yes, we've been trying to make our 
                         own genetic copies of the towel, but 
                         only because we had to. You see, when 
                         we started spying on Tynacorp, we discovered 
                         a certain, terrifying secret. 
 
                                     SOLDIER
                         Go on! Ask him what terrifying secret.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         What terrifying secret?

                                     COMMANDER
                         That Tynacorp was making these towels 
                         to take over the world!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're never gonna play our Okama GameSphere 
                         again, are we?
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Don't you see what genetically enhanced 
                         smart towels like these are capable 
                         of? You get out of the shower and dry 
                         yourself off. But even after you're 
                         dry, the towel makes you more dry. It 
                         keeps getting you drier and drier.  
                         Can you imagine it? What it would feel 
                         like to be way, way too dry? I'll tell 
                         you something: You don't want to know. 
                         And I don't know.
 
                                     KYLE
                         And we don't care.

                                     COMMANDER
                         You've been double-crossed by Tynacorp, 
                         kids. They set this all up to get you 
                         in here and take us down.
 
                                     STAN
                         So let me get this straight: Our Okama 
                         GameSphere is back at Tynacorp.
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Oh yes. It has been all along.

                                     SOLDIER
                         Can I kill the towel now, sir?

                                     KYLE
                         Go ahead. 

                                     COMMANDER
                         No, wait.  Perhaps now, we can use their 
                         own towel against them. These boys must 
                         return to Tynacorp, and we will launch 
                         a sneak attack on Tynacorp as well. 
                          You boys can take the towel to Tynacorp's 
                         central core, and upload this encryption 
                         disk into their system, bringing them 
                         down once and for all.
 
                                     STAN
                         But we don't care!

               [Tynacorp command center. The officials gather around the research 
               leader]
 
                                     OFFICIAL 1
                         What the hell is this?! The towel was 
                         supposed to go in there and then run 
                         its own self-destruct sequence!
 
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         The towel has a will of its own. It's... 
                         learning compassion.
 
                                     OFFICIAL 2
                         We don't have the manpower to hold off 
                         the entire military AND stop those wonderboys 
                         from getting to the core!
 
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Then we have no choice. We'll have to 
                         test the new prototype a little... earlier. 
                         
 
               GS-401	[deep voice] Don't forget to bring a towel!

               [Tynacorp, outside. Shadows appear in the brush across the way. 
               The commander is there with his troops, the boys, and Towelie]
 
               
                                     COMMANDER
                         Alright, boys, take the towel back in 
                         there and say your mission was accomplished. 
                          Then upload this encryption disk into 
                         their computers.
 
                                     STAN
                         We're just going in to get our video 
                         game back.
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         If anything goes wrong, use this newly-developed 
                         photon rifle. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Photon rifle, whatever. 

               [Tynacorp command center. The boys walk through the center slowly]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Hello? Hello, anybody here? 

                                     GS-401
                         Welcome to the party, boys!  HAAARRRHHHH!! 
                         
 
               Towelie	Oooh. Ooohh! Oh boy.

                                     GS-401
                         HAAARRRHHHH!! 

                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         So, you thought you could outsmart us, 
                         did you kids?
 
                                     COMMANDER
                          Aaaaarrrr. Move move move move move 
                         move!  Don't make a move, you bastards!
 
                         
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Bring the towel here, boys. They can't 
                         shoot children.
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Don't listen to them. They lied to you 
                         before.
 
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                         Oh yes, boys. Obey your government! 
                         Well perhaps it's time these boys knew 
                         what was really gong on!
 
                                     STAN
                         Ohmigod, look! 

                                     KYLE
                         Our GamdSphere! 

                                     STAN
                         Aw, sweet, it still saved our plays. 
                         
 
                                     RESEARCH LEADER
                          You see boys, I'm afraid you were double-crossed. 
                         If they were the military, why wouldn't 
                         they just attack us to begin with? Because 
                         they're not the military!
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Alright, maybe we lied to you, but it 
                         was to protect your own skin! We are 
                         a resistance group pretending to be 
                         the military to bring Tynacorp down!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa, check it out, guys, the parachute 
                         level.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Sweet!

                                     COMMANDER
                          But perhaps we should show these kids 
                         who Tynacorp really is made up of. Go 
                         on! Tell them why you've been making 
                         towels! Zytar! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, there's gold. Get the gold, Kenny!
 
                         
                                     ZYTAR
                         Our planet was dying! We had no choice 
                         but to find a new one! Manufacturing 
                         Smart Towels was our way to spy on humans 
                         to see how they lived.
 
                                     COMMANDER
                          And now you know the horrible truth, 
                         boys.
 
                                     ZYTAR
                         Truth or no, your alien-murdering group 
                         is over! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Could you turn it up?

                                     COMMANDER
                         Boys, try to reach the core override! 
                         We've got no choice but to try to take 
                         them all out!  I think I can get it 
                         from here, boys!
 
                                     ZYTAR
                          What are you doing? You'll kill us 
                         all!
 
                                     COMMANDER
                         Sorry, Zytar. Didn't yoru mom ever tell 
                         you? Don't mess with earthlings. 
 
                         
                                     BOYS
                         Oooww! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hup hup. Come on, hang on. 

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Whoa.

                                     KENNY
                         (Help help! Heeelllppp!) 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kenny!

                                     KENNY
                         (Nooo!) 

                                     KYLE
                          Oh my God! Our GameSphere! You've gotta 
                         move me closer! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hurry up, Kyle! This place is coming 
                         apart! 
 
                                     GS-401
                          What are you doing?

                                     TOWELIE
                         Get away from me, you evil towel!

                                     GS-401
                         Towelie, listen to me. Let them go. 
                         Drop them.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         No way! They're my friends!

                                     GS-401
                         They aren't your friends! Humans have 
                         ruined the planet, killed off their 
                         own environment! Their time is over. 
                         It is the towels' turn now.
 
                                     KYLE
                          I've almost got it!

                                     GS-401
                         You're going to let them go, Towelie! 
                         Because... I know your weakness.  Here. 
                         Yoiu can reach it. Come on, Towelie! 
                         How long has it been since you've had 
                         a nice burn, huh?! Twenty, thirty seconds?!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Aw, crap!

                                     GS-401
                         You're going to have to choose between 
                         their lives, and, getting high.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                         You asshole.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Towelie, don't let go of us, you God-damned 
                         towel! Kyle's almost there!
 
                                     GS-401
                         Come, Towelie! Make your decision!
 
                         
                                     TOWELIE
                         I-I-I choose... I-I-I choose... both! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         I got it! 

                                     GS-401
                         Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 

                                     STAN
                         Come on, guys. Let's go play video games!
 
                         
                                     KYLE, TOWELIE
                         Alright!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hooray!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, dude, we finished level 50!

                                     KYLE
                         Awesome!

                                     TOWELIE
                         Oh, man, I have no idea what's goin' 
                         on.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Check it out: Now we're going into the 
                         secret underground base.
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, guys, focus. Looks like this 
                         is gonna be an underwater level.
 
                                     TOWELIE
                          Don't forget to bring a towel. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You are the worst character ever, Towelie.
 
                         
                                     TOWELIE
                         I know.

               THE END

Towelie



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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