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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 412


                                   "TRAPPER KEEPER"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [South Park, the bus stup, day. Stan and Kenny wait at the bus 
               stop. Kyle and Ike walk up. Ike is dressed in a little business 
               suit and his hair is combed]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude! What's your little brother doing 
                         here?
 
                                     KYLE
                         Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         But isn't he only three years old?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, but he's some kind of genius, 
                         so he's getting advanced placement in 
                         kindergarten.
 
                                     IKE
                         Ah poobed my pants.

                                     KYLE
                          But dude, check out my new Trapper 
                         Keeper!  It has five different compartments 
                         for each subject in school.  And it's 
                         all covered with pictures from Dawson's 
                         Creek.
 
                                     STAN
                         Cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, dudes, check out my sweet Dawson's 
                         Creek Trapper Keeper Ultrakeeper Futura 
                         2000!  Yeah, well , it's got ten different 
                         compartments for every subject in school, 
                         an electronic pencil sharpener, four 
                         plastic bags with electronic zippers, 
                         copy machine, fax, a better picture 
                         of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's, 
                          flat-screen TV, and of course, On-Star.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Wow, cool!

                                     KYLE
                         God-damnit, you only got that because 
                         you knew my mom would buy it for me!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, but you have a Trapper Keepeh- Oh, 
                         you got the little Crapper Keeper, didn't 
                         you? Well, at least your stupid brother 
                         got a briefcase.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He's going to kindergarten because he's 
                         a genius!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         He's not a genius, he's a little douche 
                         bag.
 
                                     IKE
                         Ah pooped my pants!!!

                                     KYLE
                         He's smarter than you, fatboy!! I don't 
                         even know how you made it into fourth 
                         grade! I thought-
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Trapper Keeper, I need to drown out 
                         my annoying friend. Please initiate 
                         music, country, high volume. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper 
                         Keeper, Cartman! 
 
               [The bus, day. The boys take their seats. Cartman and Kenny sit 
               behind Kyle, Stan, and Ike. All of them notice the disheveled 
               man on the other side of the bus]
 
                                     STAN
                         Ms. Crabtree, there's another creepy 
                         homeless guy on the bus.
 
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

                                     STAN
                         But they smell like pee.

                                     ANDROID
                         I am not a homeless personne. I am a 
                         new fourth-grade studant.
 
                                     KYLE
                         You are?

                                     ANDROID
                         Yes! My name is Bill. Bill Cosby.

                                     STAN
                         Aren't you a little old to be in grade 
                         school?
 
                                     BILL
                         I was held back ten humon grades.  I 
                         mean, grades. Do you companion-friends 
                         know Eric Cartman?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, that's me.

                                     BILL
                         Eric Cartman?! And you have a Dawson's 
                         Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S2000
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeahhh, you already know about it??
 
                         
                                     BILL
                          Yes. Yes I do.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well! "Nobody gives a crap about your 
                         Trapper Keeper, Cartman!"
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Dude, do you really care if Cartman 
                         has something that's better than yours?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No I don't! I don't care!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Here, Kyle. 

               [South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. The room appears festive, 
               the wall adorned with a beaming sun with rays coming from it, 
               rolling hills with trees here and there. The kids enter and take 
               their places at the round table. Two miffed boys stand by the 
               door as Ike enters the room]
 
                                     BOY #1
                         Hey, there he is. That's the kid that's 
                         s'posed to be some kind of genius.
 
                         
                                     BOY #2
                         Yeah, he's only three and he's already 
                         in kindergarten.
 
                                     BOY #1
                         Come on.  So, you think you're smarter 
                         than the rest of us? Do you think you 
                         know more about the world just because 
                         you are only 3 and we're 5?
 
                                     IKE
                         Unkoo baba.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Okay, children, let's take our seats. 
                          My name is Mr. Garrison. And I'm the 
                         new kindergarten teacher. I used to 
                         be the third grade teacher, but I had 
                         a little  "nervous breakdown" and went 
                         into the mountains where I lived off 
                         of  "rat carcasses"  But I'm all better 
                         now, and the school was nice enough 
                         to let me g n teaching, as long as it 
                         was for kindergarten.  But it's not 
                         a demotion. No. I mean, just because 
                         a teacher was teaching third grade and 
                         now is teaching kindergarten, that's 
                         not a demotion, is it?  No, that's right, 
                         it's not. Well, let's start with role 
                         call. Uh, let's see. Filmore Anderson?
 
                         
                                     FILMORE
                          Heoh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sally Bands?

                                     SALLY
                         Here.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Alright, Ike Broflovski.

                                     IKE
                         Cookah Monster.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Broflovski --- I had your older brother 
                         Kyle in my third-grade class. He's a 
                         very smart kid. I'm sure you are, too. 
                          Well that's bad news for everybody 
                         else, because I will be grading you 
                         all on a curve. 
 
               [South Park Elementary, fourth grade room. The class is present, 
               along with "Bill Cosby" Cartman elaboraes on the wonderful attributes 
               of his Trapper Keeper]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         And so the other thing that makes my 
                         Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is 
                         that it can add any peripheral device 
                         to itself automatically.  I can take 
                         something as simple as this calculator 
                          and... Trapper Keeper?
 
                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                          Trapper Keeper active.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hybrid with Wellington Bear Calculator.
 
                         
                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Ready for hybrid. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         And now it can use Wellington Bear Calculator, 
                         too.
 
                                     KIDS
                         Wow.

                                     BILL
                          May I hold your Trapper Keeper?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby, 
                         because it is coded to the prints on 
                         my fingers.  If anybody but me tries 
                         to hold it, big metal spikes come out 
                         and pierce through their hands.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman! 
                         Metal spikes will not come out!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh really?  Then, why don't you hold 
                         it?  Well, go on, Kyle. If it doesn't 
                         have metal spikes, then hold it.  Hold 
                         it.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I'm gonna!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hold it.

                                     KYLE
                         I will!

               [South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. Mr. Garrison is telling 
               his life story to the kids]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Aaand that's how the relationship with 
                         my father sort of ended. There's still 
                         some sort of skeletons in the closet, 
                         but things between us are a little better. 
                          Okay, children, well now it's time 
                         for us to elect a class president , 
                         so first we must pick nominees.  Who 
                         would like to nominate someone?
 
                                     BOY #2
                         I nominate Filmore, because he's the 
                         smartest kid in the class.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, Filmore.  You'll be our first 
                         nominee. And who else?  Yes, Jenny.
 
                         
                                     JENNY
                         I gotta go doodie.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         In a minute, Jenny. Who else wants to 
                         nominate a class presdient?  Oh, come 
                         on! You can't have an election with 
                         just one person running! What's the 
                         fun in that? Ike? How about you? You're 
                         a genius.
 
                                     IKE
                          No.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, our second nominee is Ike The 
                         Genius.  Okay, children, now we'll hear 
                         briefly from each nominee. Filmore, 
                         why don't you go first?
 
                                     FILMORE
                          If I'm elected class president, I'll 
                         call for big ol' chairs. And on Fridays, 
                         I'll add two minutes to nap time. Thank 
                         you. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Very enthralling. Okay, Ike? How about 
                         you?
 
                                     IKE
                          Cookeh Monsta. Oight

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...Well, this is gonna be a tough one, 
                         kids.
 
               [South Park Elementary playground. The four boys stand around 
               the tetherball pole while two kids in front of them toss a football, 
               two girls walk by behind them, another kid climbs the jungle 
               gym, and another rocks on a hobby elephant]
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, dude, here comes that weird new 
                         kid.
 
                                     BILL
                         Aaahhh, hello Eric. Can I be your humon 
                         friend?  I mean, friend?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't know, dude. I'm not supposed 
                         to have any male friends that are over 
                         30. I kind of screwed on that once.
 
                         
                                     BILL
                         Please. We can have fun and play games, 
                         like humon four square  I mean, four 
                         square.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's 
                         friend and be their friend, It doesn't 
                         work that way. If you want to be my 
                         friend, you'll have to pay me.
 
               Bill	Oh, I see. Alright, I'll pay 100 geliga stones --- uh, I 
               mean, human dollars! --- eugh, I mean dollars!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, that's cool.

               Bill	[holds up the tetherball] Can we play some humon tetherball?
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah- alright. Pretty sweet, you guys, 
                         getting a hundred bucks to play tetherball 
                         with some- .
 
               Bill	Serve! [whips the ball at Cartman, knocking him onto his 
               back. The Trapper Keeper falls away and lands next to Kenny. 
               "Bill" makes his move]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ugh. 

               Bill	Got it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ey!

                                     STAN
                         Dude! He's running off with your Trapper 
                         Keeper! 
 
                                     BILL
                          Waa-aaaah! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         You son of a bitch!  Wait a minute. 
                          Lucky for me, I have my Trapper Keeper 
                         homing device. 
 
                                     STAN
                          What the hell just happened?

                                     KYLE
                          Damn! I thought fourth grade was gonna 
                         be different.
 
               [South Park Elementary, Kindergarten. Mr. Garrison tallies up 
               the votes so far on the board...]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         So that's six votes for Filmore and 
                         six votes for Ike.  And the last vote 
                         is for... uh, let's see. Flora, I can't 
                         tell who you voted for.  You've got 
                         the winning vote, Flora. Who d'you pick?
 
                         
                                     FLORA
                         I don't know... 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Flora, you have to pick one: Filmore 
                         or Ike.
 
                                     FLORA
                         Um, I vote for... I don't know.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, great! Flora's undecided! Well, 
                         you're just gonna have to sit there, 
                         Flora, and think about it until you 
                         come up with an answer.
 
                                     FLORA
                         Okay.

               Boy #2	Flora, just say you vote for Filmore so we can all go 
               home.
 
                                     FLORA
                         Um...

                                     SALLY
                         No! You want Ike to be president.

                                     FILMORE
                         We're gonna be here all night! Why don't 
                         you guys just concede?!
 
                                     TWO KIDS
                         Yeah!

                                     SALLY
                         Why don't you just concede?!

                                     OTHER KIDS
                         Yeah! 

                                     SOME KIDS
                         Filmore!

                                     OTHER KIDS
                         Ike!

                                     A GIRL
                         I want Ike to be president! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're all acting 
                         like a bunch o' kids!
 
               [South Park, day. A police car zooms down the street. Officer 
               Barbrady flies down the road in the police cruiser with Cartman 
               in the passenger seat and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny in the back seat. 
               Cartman has the Trapper Tracker Keeper in his hand and is following 
               the Trapper Keeper's signal on the Tracker's screen]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Turn left here! We're getting close! 
                         Get your gun ready!
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Eric, I'm not gonna shoot anybody for 
                         taking your school folder!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          It was NOT a school folder, it was 
                         a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura 
                         S2000! And if-!  There he is!
 
                                     BILL
                          Wah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Got ya! 

                                     BARBRADY
                         Hey! 

                                     BILL
                         Gaaaah! 

                                     KYLE
                          Whoa, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aah, try to take my Trapper Keeper, 
                         will you? 
 
                                     BILL
                         Please. You do not understand.

                                     CARTMAN
                          Book him, Barbrady. Another job well 
                         done.
 
                                     BILL
                          That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Why are you so obsessed with Cartman's 
                         Trapper Keeper, Bill Cosby?
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Bill Cosby??

                                     BILL
                         Nooo! Listen to me! I am not really 
                         Bill Cosby.  My name is VSM471. I am 
                         a cyborg engineered by humons from the 
                         year 2034.
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Well, I knew you weren't Bill Cosby!
 
                         
                                     VSM471
                          I have come to destroy that Trapper 
                         Keeper, because it was the Dawson's 
                         Creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to 
                         an Eric Cartman in South Park which 
                         three years from now manifests itself 
                         into an omnipotent superbeing, and destroys 
                         all of humonity. In the year two thousand 
                         and four a hybrid-assimilating computer 
                         linked with a satellite uplink computer. 
                         From there it was able to slowly take 
                         over every computer in the world.  It 
                         became stronger and stronger! Until, 
                         by the year 2018 it broke away from 
                         mankind  and there was nothing the humons 
                         could do.  It wasn't long before Mighty 
                         Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything 
                         as useless, including humons.  The nations 
                         tried everything to stop it.  Nuclear 
                         devices, seismic missiles. But nothng 
                         worked.  The humons built robots of 
                         their own, whole armies of them  But 
                         nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper 
                         Keeper.  And so finally, the humons 
                         decided to send one of their robots 
                         into the past to destroy the Trapper 
                         Keeper before it even got started.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Wow, that's amazing

                                     KYLE
                         Man, I guess sometimes we let our technology 
                         and stuff grow too fast.
 
                                     STAN
                         What do you think, Officer Barbrady?
 
                         
                                     BARBRADY
                         Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
 
                         
                                     VSM471
                         And so, Eric. Now you see why we must 
                         destroooyy your Trapper Keeper.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...You guys. Did I mention that it has 
                         a pencil sharpener and a crayon sharpener?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, it takes over the world and 
                         destroy all of humanity!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What would you guys have me do, huh?! 
                         Walk around with just a plain old Trapper 
                         Keeper like Kyle's?! Is that what you 
                         want?!
 
                                     STAN
                         Yes!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Aw, damnit!  Here! Take it! You want 
                         my heart as well?! You'll find it on 
                         the bottom of your shoes! 
 
               [South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The class is looking at 
               Flora. Mr. Mackey sits on a chair looking bored]
 
                                     FLORA
                         I decided.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh, thank God, Flora!  Alright, who 
                         do you vote for?
 
                                     FLORA
                         Uumm, Ike.

                                     IKE'S SUPPORTERS
                         YAY!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Okay, so then the total is six for 
                         Filmore and now seven votes for Ike. 
                         Ike is the new class persident.
 
                                     FILMORE
                         We want a recount.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          What?

                                     FILMORE'S SUPPORTERS
                         Recount! Recount! Recount! Recount!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, of all the juvenile things I've 
                         ever heard! You LOST, Filmore! Don't 
                         be such a baby!  Alright, alright, I'll 
                         count up the ballots again. Okay, we 
                         had one vote for Filmore...  ...And this 
                         time, I again get six votes for Filmore 
                         and seven votes for Ike!
 
                                     FILMORE
                         Count them again.

                                     FILMORE'S SUPPORTERS
                         Yeh!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         NO, children! I've recounted 106 times 
                         now and I keep coming up with seven 
                         to six! Except in the one instance where 
                         it came out seven to five, and one where 
                         it came out twelve to fourteen. IT'S 
                         OVER! IKE IS CLASS PRESIDENT!
 
                                     KID #2
                         Wait, there's still that absent kid.
 
                         
                                     FILLMORE
                         Yeah. If Carlos is absent, we have to 
                         wait for his vote.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, will you grow up?!

                                     FILMORE'S SUPPORTERS
                          Absent kids count! Absent kids count!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Jesus! Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow 
                         so the absent kid can cast his vote! 
                         Now go home! 
 
               [South Park Elementary, hallway, next day.]

                                     VSM471
                         Good morning, humons.

                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hey, Bill Cosby.

                                     VSM471
                         I have successfully destroyed Eric Cartman's 
                         Trapper Keeper. I broke it apart, dipped 
                         the motherboards in acid, burned the 
                         memory chips, and sent the wiring to 
                         the four corners of Canada.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That should do it.

                                     STAN
                         So what are you going to do with your 
                         crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?
 
                         
                                     VSM471
                         Well, that is a problem that is causing 
                         me some disconcernment. I am still here, 
                         but I shouldn't be here. If Trapper 
                         Keeper has been stopped, then I should 
                         not exist. But here I am. Something 
                         is still not right.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, dudes.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman! You still got a Trapper Keeper!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I'm a genius! Last night I went 
                         home and told my mom that I lost the 
                         last one. Then I cried and I cried, 
                         and finally she felt so bad that she 
                         took me to the store and bought me a 
                         NEW one!  So everything worked out.
 
                         
                                     VSM471
                          Oh no!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you dumbass! You can't get 
                         a new one!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why the hell not?!

                                     STAN
                         Because if your Trapper Keeper takes 
                         over the world, then maybe it was THIS 
                         Trapper Keeper and not the one before!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Wait... sso then you guys burned my last 
                         one for no reason!
 
                                     VSM471
                         We will have to destroy this Trapper 
                         Keeper.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          But I don't think I can get my mom 
                         to buy me another one.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Don't you get it?! You can't have ANY 
                         Trapper Keeper, fatass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, that is bullcrap! And you know what 
                         I think?! I think this whole thing is 
                         a SETUP! That's right! Kyle got this 
                         guy to say that he's a robot from the 
                         future just because he's jealous of 
                         my Trapper Keeper! And you know what 
                         else?! Screw you guys, I'm going home! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ech! Screw you guys, home! 

                                     VSM471
                         Well, that does it! 

                                     KYLE
                         Hey! What are you doing?

                                     VSM471
                         I'm afraid I have no other choice!  
                         For the sake of humanity I have to kill 
                         him.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh. Okay.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, that's fine...  No, wait!

                                     VSM471
                         What?!

                                     STAN
                         Can I do it?

                                     VSM471
                         Oh, well, I suppose... 

                                     STAN
                          Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, fatboy!
 
                         
                                     VSM471
                         Wait!  Perhaps there is another way. 
                         If you could take me to where Eric Cartman 
                         lives, I could try reasoning with his 
                         human mother.
 
                                     STAN
                         Whoa. Yeah, or we could just kill him.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, that'd be faster.

                                     STAN
                         He's right there.

                                     VSM471
                         I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually 
                         starting to feel what you humons call 
                         "compassion." It is an amazing feeling!
 
                         
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         AWWW!

               [South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison stands before 
               the class and begins to speak]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Alright children, as you know, we've 
                         been waiting for the absent kid's ballot 
                         to come in. Well, his mother was nice 
                         enough to bring him in from the hospital 
                         so that he could cast his vote. Ms. 
                         Harris? 
 
                                     BOY
                         Here. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget 
                         to pick up your lung.  Alright, the 
                         absent kid's ballot is for...  Fillmore.
 
                         
                                     FILMORE'S SUPPORTERS
                         Yay, hooray. 

                                     SALLY
                         Wait one minute!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, Jesus Tapdancing Christ!

                                     SALLY
                         I think the ballot were misleading. 
                         Some kids didn't understand whom they 
                         were voting for.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         There's a box next to Filmore's name 
                         and a box next to Ike's! What's not 
                         to understand?!
 
                                     FILMORE
                          You're just saying that, 'cause you 
                         know you're gonna lose now!
 
                                     SALLY
                         No, I'm saying that because you are 
                         a boogerface!
 
                                     FILMORE
                         Well, just you wait, 'cause myuh famous 
                         aunt is on huh way wight now.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Who's your famous aunt?

                                     FILMORE
                         My aunt Wosie, Wosie O'Donnell

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Your aunt Rosie O'Donnell is coming 
                         here?
 
                                     FILMORE
                         Yeah, she's vewy active in politics. 
                         So she's gonna set all this straight.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh no!

               [The Cartman house, day, Cartman's room. Cartman sets the Trapper 
               Keeper in a tray, then secures it onto a docking bay and plugs 
               a cable into it.]
 
                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Recharging.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet. You're so cool, Trapper Keeper. 
                         I would never let those assholes take 
                         you away.
 
               I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper forever

               The ways of my Trap-

                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb. 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh! Cool.

                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Trapper Keeper, merging. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Whoa.

               [The Cartman house, day, dining room. "Bill" is seated at the 
               head of the table, with Ms. Cartman and Kenny to his right, and 
               Stan and Kyle to his left.]
 
                                     VSM471
                         And so you see, Ms. Cartman, you cannot 
                         buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper. 
                         Not now! Not ever!
 
                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Right, because it will hybrid with all 
                         those other processors and generate 
                         a whole new era of technological darkness.
 
                         
                                     VSM471
                         Correct.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Well, I certainly won't buy him anymore, 
                         then... Bill 
 
                                     VSM471
                         Good. Now all that is left to do is 
                         destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has 
                         now. Where is he?
 
                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         In his room. But, why don't I show you 
                         the rest of the house first? 
 
                                     STAN
                         Uh oh.

                                     KYLE
                         Here we go again.

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                         Come this way, Billy. 

                                     STAN
                         Well, come on. Let's go upstairs and 
                         get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves. 
                         
 
               [The Cartman house, day, Cartman's room. Cartman is getting friendly 
               with his Trapper Keeper]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...Kyle is just jealous of you, Trapper 
                         Keeper. You kick ass! I don't wanna 
                         let my Trapper Keeper get-
 
                                     STAN
                          Open up, Cartman! We're taking your 
                         Trapper Keeper! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Screw you guys, screw you guys. Screw 
                         you guys, scr-
 
                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh? 

                                     KYLE
                          Damnit Cartman, open up!

                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Trapper Keeper, ready for hybrid.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, sweet. What's it gonna hybrid with 
                         now? 
 
                                     STAN
                          Cartman, you might as well open up! 
                         We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust 
                         the door down after he finishes having 
                         sex with your mom! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman??  He's not gonna open it! Break 
                         it down!
 
                                     STAN
                         You break it down!

                                     KYLE
                         Okay. Ready? One Two Three, Not it!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Not it! You lose, Kenny. 

                                     KENNY
                         (Damn!)  (Hah!) 

                                     STAN
                         ...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You ba- 

               [The Cartman house, day, outside. The front door opens and Stan 
               and Kyle rush outside and away.]
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         AAAAAHHHH!!!! 

                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Trapper Keeper. 

                                     MS. CARTMAN
                          Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

               [South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison sits with 
               the class around the table and hears some ominous noise]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         What the hell is that?  Oh my God! What 
                         is that thing?! Children, there's some 
                         huge bulbous monstrosity heading for 
                         the classroom!  Oh my God, it's awful! 
                         It's coming for the door. 
 
                                     ROSIE O'DONNELL
                         Hello, kids!

                                     FILMORE
                         Aunt Wosie!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Run for your lives, children!  I'll 
                         try to fight it off!
 
                                     FILMORE
                         That's my aunt, Wosie O'Donnell.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh. Oh, um. Pleasure to meet you, Miss 
                         O'Donnell. You're looking... well.
 
                                     ROSIE O'DONNELL
                         Don't worry kids. Everythng's gonna 
                         be fine. What's the problem?
 
                                     FILMORE
                         Aunt Wosie. We think I won for class 
                         president.
 
                                     IKE SUPPORTER
                         No, Ike won.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Look, it's very simple. We took a vote 
                         and the vote tied, so now we gotta come 
                         up with a way-
 
                                     ROSIE O'DONNELL
                         Well it obviously isn't that simple, 
                         is it?! I mean, you'd think a little 
                         kindergarten teacher could've handled 
                         this, but now we're gonna do it my way!
 
                         
               
               Colorado Springs	20mi

               Pueblo	75mi

               Cheyenne Mountain

               Secret Military Base	18mi

               [South Park, outskirts. The Trapper Keeper enters the scene and 
               demolishes the sign]
 
                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                          We are Trapper Keeper.

                                     VSM471
                          Oh no! It is heading for Cheyenne Mountain!
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Why is that bad?

                                     VSM471
                         It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated 
                         with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain 
                         that it was able to fuse into all defensive 
                         computors!
 
                                     STAN
                         Then we have to stop it before it gets 
                         there! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Step on it, Bill Cosby! 

               [The road to Cheyenne Mountain. All is quiet. Two security guards 
               wait at the entrance reading newspapers. The one wearing glasses 
               looks up]
 
                                     GUARD 2
                         Hey Mark, look.

                                     MARK
                         Wow. That is about the nicest Trapper 
                         Keeper I've ever seen. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Cartman, you have to stop!

                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         We are Trapper Keeper. We are one.
 
                         
                                     VSM471
                         A part of your friend must still be 
                         alive in there. 
 
                                     STAN
                         He is in there.

                                     VSM471
                         That must be what Trapper Keeper is 
                         using for ventilation. If one of you 
                         could get in there, you could reach 
                         the CPU
 
                                     STAN
                         One-two-three not it!

                                     KYLE
                         Not- Aw, Damnit! 

               [The Trapper Keeper Interior. Kyle makes his way in and scrambles 
               through a field of organs until he reaches another entrance. 
               The valves open up and suck Kyle into a room bathed in light. 
               Kyle floats in.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you doing, Kyle?

                                     KYLE
                         I'm going to try and break you away 
                         from the computer, Cartman. I need to 
                         remove the CPU.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm afraid I can't let you do that, 
                         Kyle.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Screw you, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey-eh, screw you.

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ahh! 

                                     KYLE
                         No!

               
               AS LONG AS

               IT TAKES	GIVE UP	Filmore

               rules!	We like

               IKE!

                                     ROSIE O'DONNELL
                          Okay, so then what we're going to do 
                         is count everybody's vote by hand, and 
                         after that, we're gonna go over the 
                         votes again manually, and then-
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh, STOP IT, STOP STOP IHIHIHIHIT! 
                          Look kids, we're all in this kindergarten 
                         class together. We have to respect one 
                         another or else we're in for a terrible 
                         school year.
 
                                     ROSIE O'DONNELL
                         We're just making sure that the kids 
                         that voted for my nephew don't get cheated.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Half the kids in the class didn't vote 
                         for your nephew, so what about them? 
                         You don't give a crap about them because 
                         they're not on your side! People like 
                         you preach tolerance and open-mindedness 
                         all the time, but when it comes to Middle 
                         America, you think we're all evil and 
                         stupid country yokels who need your 
                         political enlightenment!! WELL, JUST 
                         BECAUSE YOU'RE ON TV DOESN'T MEAN YOU 
                         KNOW CRAP ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT!!! NOW 
                         GET YOUR ASS BACK ON FIRST CLASS AND 
                         RESPECT THIS CLASS'S RIGHT TO MAKE UP 
                         THEIR OWN MINDS!!!  ...Oh, sorry I got 
                         a little off the subject, kids.
 
                                     ROSIE O'DONNELL
                         How dare you?! I will not be preached 
                         at by a country bumpkin!  I'm leaving 
                         this podunk town, but in my place I'm 
                         gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and 
                         press than you have ever SEEN! 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh no, children, I think I've just made 
                         this a whole lot worse.
 
               [South Park, a red sunset. At Cheyenne Mountain the Trapper Keeper 
               has spread itself over it and taken it over. A slimy appendage 
               reaches out and grabs a phone both next to two ladies]
 
                                     LADIES
                         Aaahh! 

                                     COPS
                         Waaah! 

                                     MARK
                         Well that does it! I'm gonna have to 
                         report this!  Cargo on to base-  AAGH! 
                         
 
                                     VSM471
                         It is infusing with everything. It is 
                         already too powerful to stop!
 
                                     STAN
                         Kyle's got to succeed. He's just got 
                         to.
 
               [The Trapper Keeper Interior. Kyle struggles to make his way 
               out of the little prison he's in]
 
                                     KYLE
                         I can't reach the CPU.

               [Cheyenne Mountain, outside. A limo speeds up to the scene and 
               encounters the Trapper Keeper, which is beginning to look like 
               the tower in "Bill"'s prophecy. Rosie O'Donnell pops out and 
               walks up to it.]
 
                                     ROSIE
                         What are you doin'?! Get out of my way!
 
                         
                                     GUARD 2
                         Oh no! Now there's two of those things!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, I think that other thing is Rosie 
                         O'Donnell. 
 
                                     GUARD 2
                         Huh? Which one? I- It's just like I'm 
                         seeing double.
 
                                     ROSIE
                          I said, get out of my way!  AAAaaAAaaaagh! 
                          Ogh. Noo- 
 
                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Eeww.

                                     VSM471
                         Look! I think that infusing with Rosie 
                         O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick.
 
                         
                                     TRAPPER KEEPER
                         Oohh. Bad pie. Bad pie. 

                                     STAN
                         This is your chance, Kyle! Cartman has 
                         weakened!
 
               [The Trapper Keeper Interior. Cartman releases his hold on Kyle 
               and Kyle drops to the floor. He quickly moves to the wall panel 
               containing the CPU and pulls the CPU out along with some memory 
               chips]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Got 'em!

               [Cheyenne Mountain, outside. Trapper Keeper turns into a big 
               mass of goo, and the people trapped in it are spat out. Rosie 
               ends up half-eaten. Everybody begins to approach the survivors]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         He did it!

               [South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids are seated around 
               the round table, and their lawyers stand behind them arguing. 
               Mr. Garrison sits at the head of the table listening]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, children, the lawyers for Ike's 
                         side have agreed with the lawyers on 
                         Filmore's side to hold another meeting 
                         regardng Form 22F. Do we all have that 
                         form? 
 
                                     JESSE JACKSON
                         Is this the Kindergarten classroom?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Jesse Jackson?

                                     JESSE JACKSON
                         That's right! I believe the African-American 
                         in your class were misrepresented!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          We don't have any African-Americans 
                         in our class!
 
                                     JESSE JACKSON
                         Oh. Bye. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Alright, so apparently what we're gonna 
                         do now is hand-count each person's ballot-
 
                         
                                     FILMORE
                         Mistoreh Garrison, I concede. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You... yuh, you what?

                                     FILMORE
                         I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this 
                         game is stupid!
 
                                     SALLY
                         Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.

                                     FILMORE
                         Ike, you could be class president.
 
                         
                                     IKE
                         I pooped my pants!

                                     SALLY
                          Can we fingerpaint now?

                                     KIDS
                          Fingerpaint! Fingerpaint!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Ohuh. Yes.  Yes! Let's fingerpaint!
 
                         
               [Cheyenne Mountain, aftermath. Stan and the others reach Cartman 
               and Kyle]
 
                                     STAN
                         You did it, Kyle!  Kyle saved your life, 
                         fatass!
 
                                     VSM471
                         Goodbye, humons.  Oh, ogh! Oh, it hurts! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh, that's a bitch.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ogh. Well, I guess everything's fine 
                         now. So let's go home.
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey! Whoa whoa whoa, Cartman! All you've 
                         been doing is making fun of Kyle and 
                         now he's saved your life! You at least 
                         owe him a thank you!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Awww man.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Alright, alright.  Kyle, -

               THE END

Trapper Keeper



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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