"SOUTH PARK"
Episode 305
"TWEEK VS CRAIG"
Written by
Trey Parker
[South Park Elementary. The school bell rings. Most of the third-grade
boys are in a shop room.]
VOICE
This is shop class. My name is Mr.
Adler. For the next week, rather than
your normal schoolwork, you'll be learning
how to make things. Now, does anybody
know WHY you're in shop class? Yes?
STAN
Because we had to choose between this
and home ec, and we didn't wanna be
sissies?
MR. ADLER
Wrong! You are here because you are
America's future! You may someday be
doctors, or lawyers, or scientists.
Most of you, however, will be pumping
gas, or cutting sheet metal, and that's
why we have... shop class.
CARTMAN
Ooooohh.
MR. ADLER
Now, let me make one thing crystal clear:
I don't like kids that screw around!
You screw around in shop class, you
can lose a hand or an eye. I have a-
I have... uh, I have a...
KYLE
Mr. Adler?
MR. ADLER
Huh? Oh, uh, I was just saying that
I want to know who is the biggest troublemaker
in your class?
STAN
Tweek is!
TWEEK
Arrh! No, I'm not!
KYLE
Stan: Yeah, you are! You always get
in trouble
TWEEK
Arrrrh!
CARTMAN
Oh, hello, excuse me, but Craig is the
biggest troublemaker in our class.
MR. ADLER
That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?
CRAIG
No.
MR. ADLER
Well, you'd better not be, because in
shop class we- Hey! Did you just flip
me off?!
CRAIG
No.
MR. ADLER
Yes, you did!
CARTMAN
Told ya!
KYLE
Dude, shop class sucks. Maybe we should
have taken home ec.
STAN
Now way, dude. Home ec is for girls.
[The Home Economics room. All the girls are here]
VOICE
Welcome to home ec. For the next week,
you will be learning how to bake, sew,
clean, and make things that are lacy
and pretty.
KENNY
(Woohooo!)
WENDY
I requested to be in shop class, but
they sent me here.
WOMAN
That's right, Wendy. You see, some of
you girls will go on to have interesting
jobs and careers. But all of you pretty
ones... won't have to worry about that,
because you can marry a nice man. And
that's why we have... home ec.
KENNY
(Woohooo!)
[The Shop room. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit before a power miter
box. Cartman is feeding it wood]
CARTMAN
I wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take
shop class?
STAN
I don't know. He's such a wuss.
MR. ADLER
Hey! Don't screw around! You screw
around too much!
CARTMAN
You know, you guys are totally wrong
about Tweek. Craig is way worse than
he is.
STAN
No he's not dude. Craig is a wuss.
CARTMAN
Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight,
Craig would kick Tweek's ass.
KYLE
Do you wanna bet?
CARTMAN
Yeah, I'll bet.
STAN
How much?
CARTMAN
Five bucks.
STAN
You're on!
TWEEK
Arrh!
STAN
Hey Tweek.
TWEEK
Gaarhrhrh!
STAN
Dude. Craig chooses you. He wants to
fight.
TWEEK
He does?
STAN
Yeah. He's all pissed off at you. So,
will you fight?
TWEEK
Why?
KYLE
Dude, because! You have to stand up
for yourself! So will you fight him?
TWEEK
Rrrrh! He doesn't look like he wants
to fight me.
CARTMAN
Craig, could I talk to you real quick?
Er, just a second, please, Craig. Craig,
I'm not normally one to get involved
in this kind of thing but, well, I was
just standing over by Tweek, and, he
called you a big poop-eater.
CRAIG
He did?
CARTMAN
Yeah. He said you eat poop, and that
it makes your breath smell like poop,
and that, eh, well, you like it.
CRAIG
Why would he say that?
CARTMAN
I don't Craig, I don't know. But now
he's over there telling everybody that
you're a poop-eater and he chooses you.
CRAIG
Well, I've gotta go over there and-
CARTMAN
No, no! Craig, you you can't fight
him here; Mr. Adler would just break
it up. Tell you what: I'll go tell him
you accept his challenge, and set it
up for after school today.
CRAIG
Okay.
KYLE
There. Did you see? He just flipped
you off.
TWEEK
Rrrr! What a jerk!
STAN
He's really got it out for you, dude.
TWEEK
Why?! What did I do?!
KYLE
So, do you agree to fight him after
school?
TWEEK
I guess so.
STAN
Super. See you there.
[Mr. Adler takes out the woman's picture again and looks at it.
He begins to daydream. Memories of his fiancée come to him, and
her voice echoes every time reminisces]
FIANCÉE
Catch me, Richard. I'm so in love
with you, Richard. I made you some
cookies, Richard. Merry Christmas,
Richard. Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold
me forever. Aaaaaaa! Richard!
[the school bell rings, and he's back] Aaaarr! Uh. [opens a drawer
to get some nicotine gum, and chews some] Oh why? Why? [closes
his eyes and continues chewing]
STAN
Mr. Adler! Mr. Ad-ler!
MR. ADLER
Huhuh Huh? Stop screwing around!
STAN
The bell rang. Can we go?
MR. ADLER
Well, uh, well, sure. Uh, class dismissed.
STAN
Come on, you guys.
[The school yard]
STAN
This is gonna be so sweet, dude.
CARTMAN
You guys are so wrong about Tweek. He's
gonna get his ass kicked.
KYLE
We'll see!
CARTMAN
Why don't we just raise our bet to ten
dollars?!
STAN
You're on, fatass!
CARTMAN
Well, well, well, look who's here! Our
little home economics friend, Kenny!
KENNY
(Hey guys, what's going on with you?)
STAN
How come you wanna take home ec., Kenny?
KYLE
Yeah. That's not cool, dude.
BEBE
Bye, Kenny. See you tomorrow.
JORDAN
Bye, Kenny.
KENNY
(Bye, ladies.)
CLYDE
Hey, what's going on?
KYLE
Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.
CLYDE
Really? Cool. It's funny, 'cause Tweek
and Craig both went home about fifteen
minutes ago.
KYLE
What?
TOKEN
Yeah, they left.
STAN
Aw, hell!
CARTMAN
Those sons of bitches!
CLYDE
I guess they don't wanna fight.
KYLE
Aw, they wanna fight! They just don't
know it yet!
[Stan and Kyle arrive at Tweek's house. Stan rings the bell]
STAN
Tweek?
KYLE
Tweek?
TWEEK
Herr. What do you guys want?
STAN
How come you didn't show up for the
fight, Tweek?!
TWEEK
Craig and I have no reason to fight
each other.
KYLE
Well, Craig showed up.
TWEEK
He did?
STAN
Yeah. He was standing there waiting
for you, and he was all like, "Man,
Tweek's a wuss," and we were all like,
"No he's not, Craig," and he was all
like, "Yeah he is, he isn't showing
up. He's a big wuss, and he has crooked
teeth!"
TWEEK
I don't have crooked teeth!
KYLE
And then Craig was all like, "Tweek
is scared o'me. He's a big chicken."
And he started doing an impersonation
of you being a chicken ; well, everybody
in the world saw it!
TWEEK
Everyone in the world?! Rrrr!
STAN
Yeah, it was weak.
TWEEK
I'm not a chicken!
KYLE
Well, everyone in the world thinks you
are. See ya.
TWEEK
Wait! I'll fight!
STAN
Tomorrow?
TWEEK
Okay.
[Cartman and Kenny arrive at Craig's house. Cartman knocks and
Craig answers.]
CARTMAN
Craig, what the hell are you doing home?!
You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!
CRAIG
Red Racer's on.
CARTMAN
Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day
of the week!
CRAIG
I do watch Red Racer every day of the
week!
CARTMAN
Well, that's fine. I guess you don't
care about what Tweek said about your
mom.
CRAIG
Nnope.
CARTMAN
Egh. God-damnit! Well, I guess you
don't care about what Tweek said about
your guinea pig.
CRAIG
What?! What did he say about Stripe?!
CARTMAN
Oh, nothing, except that you stick it
up your ass before you go to bed.
CRAIG
That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!
CARTMAN
Yeah, I'd be pissed too, so maybe we
should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?
CRAIG
After Red Racer.
CARTMAN
After Red Racer, of course.
[The Tweek house, that night, dinner. The Tweeks are at table]
RICHARD
How was school today, son?
TWEEK
Errh!
RICHARD
That's great.
TWEEK
Dahad, if some kid in school wants to
fight me, what should I do??
RICHARD
Son, let me tell you a little story
about when your mother and I first met.
You see, a long time ago, there were
a lot of guys who were after your mother.
She used to be very attractive.
MOM
It's true. I was.
RICHARD
Well, when I started courting your mother,
there was this big muscular football
player named Quib, who didn't take too
kindly to me. He wanted your mother
all to himself. And so, one day, he
challenged me to a fight.
TWEEK
Well?
MOM
Well what, honey?
TWEEK
Nrr. What happened?
RICHARD
Oh'd. I, I don't know. He moved away
or something.
MOM
Yes, I think that's right.
TWEEK
Rrrrr! You guys never help me! Your
stories never go anywhere! I hate it!
I want out! I want out!
[Craig's house, dinner time. Craig has a little sister]
CRAIG
Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight
tomorrow.
DAD
With who?
CRAIG
Some kid.
DAD
Oh.
MOM
Don't just "Oh" him, Thomas!
CRAIG
Yeah, don't just "Oh" me!
Thomas I'll "Oh" whoever I want! [Mom flips Thomas off, he flips
back, the daughter flips them both off, and Craig flips his dad
off with the right hand, his sister off with the left, and his
mom with the right, up close]
[Mr. Adler's home. He and a woman have just returned from a date]
MR. ADLER
Well, that was fun, Pearl. See you later.
PEARL
Richard, aren't you going to invite
me in?
MR. ADLER
Why?
PEARL
Well, I thought maybe you would at least
at-tempt to make love to me tonight.
MR. ADLER
Oh, well, uuh, I can't. I left the oven
on.
PEARL
Oh, Richard, why can't you open your
heart to me? Why?
MR. ADLER
I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have
genital warts.
PEARL
We'll use plastic wrap.
MR. ADLER
Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time.
FIANCÉE
Swing me Richard, swing me higher.
I wanna touch the sky, Richard. Richard,
I'm here! Smile. Oh, Richard, it's
beautiful. Yes. Yes. But you have to
come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I
have a surprise for you. Don't worry,
Richard. I'll pilot! It's what I do!
Aaaaaaa! Richard! Richard.
MR. ADLER
Haaarrr! Aw, God, what am I gonna
do?
[South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day, recess. From
left to right on a table are seated Stan, Tweek, Kyle, Cartman,
Craig, and Kenny. Much of the class is assembled before them.
A large sign saying "Tweek VS. Craig" hangs above them from the
ceiling]
STAN
Okay, so, just to set the record straight
here, the fight will be happening out
by the tetherball pole at 3:30. Tweek
just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig
at 45.
CLYDE
Uh, how long do you expect the fight
to last?
Craig I uh...
CARTMAN
However long Craig wants it to last.
T'heh, ub. Look, make no mistake. Craig
has been ready for this fight since
day one. He doesn't even view it as
a challenge.
KYLE
He'll view it as a challenge when he's
getting his ass kicked!
CARTMAN
Hup. Did you hear that? It sound like
some diarrhea coming out of someone's
mouth or something.
KYLE
Shut up, fatass!!
CARTMAN
Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch!
CLYDE
Wow. Tweek and Craig really hate each
other, huh? This should be a good fight.
[Home Economics, after recess.]
PEARL
On your first date, look at the man's
shoes. Sometimes you can tell how much
money a man has just by his shoes.
When he takes you out to dinner, try
to sneak a peek at his wallet while
he pays for you. If he only has one
credit card, BEWARE. It means he doesn't
spend a lot, and worse yet, it could
be a debit card. If he has more than
four credit cards, that's a little fishy.
The perfect number of credit cards
for a man to have is... two.
BEBE
What if we meet a guy who wants to be
a doctor or a lawyer, but is still getting
his degree?
PEARL
Dump that zero and get yourself a hero!
He could be earning that degree all
his life while you starve to death with
two dying babies sucking at your teats.
[Shop class. The boys are busy on various projects. Cartman stands
on a stool operating a drill press as Stan and Kyle stand on
the floor.]
CARTMAN
When I have you guys' ten bucks, I'm
gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen
TV in the whole world.
KYLE
That's more than ten bucks, you stupid
fatass!
CARTMAN
Well, if I get ten buck from each of
you, that's like $2000
MR. ADLER
Hey, quit screwing around back there!
You're horsing!
FIANCÉE
Ri-chard! Ri-chard! Swing me Richard,
swing me higher! Richard, I'm here!
Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes.
But you have to come see me fly tomorrow,
Richard. I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot!
It's all for you! Aaaaaaa! Richard!
CLYDE
Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler!
MR. ADLER
Huh? Uh, what?
CLYDE
Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander
MR. ADLER
The belt sander? Tommy?? I told you
not to screw around with the belt sander,
didn't I? Well go on. Go see the nurse;
she'll give you some peroxide.
CLYDE
What's that?
MR. ADLER
Huh? Oh, this is a woman I knew a long
time ago.
CLYDE
What? She die or something?
MR. ADLER
What? Hey! Go on! You're screwing around
in here!
[After school. The kids climb over a hill to reach the tetherball
pole. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek lead the way]
CLYDE
Oh boy! Here we go!
WENDY
What's happening?
KYLE
Tweek's gonna fight Craig!
WENDY
Oh cool!
STAN
Stay pissed, Tweek. Stay pissed. All
right. Here we go.
KYLE
Time for you to get proven wrong, fat
boy
CARTMAN
You're gonna be eating those words,
asshole.
KYLE
No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first,
tubby.
STAN
Well?
CARTMAN
Come on!
WENDY
Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!
CRAIG
What do we do?
STAN
Huh?
CARTMAN
What do you mean, what do you do? You
just fight each other.
TWEEK
How?
KYLE
How??
CRAIG
I've never been in a fight before.
TWEEK
Me neither.
CROWD
Awwww.
STAN
Aw, dude, come on!!
CARTMAN
You just hit each other, smack each
other around.
KYLE
Not like that!
TWEEK
Like what, then?
STAN
All right, all right, screw it! We
have to postpone the fight 'til Tweek
and Craig can learn how to fight.
CROWD
Awww.
CLYDE
All that build-up for nothing.
WENDY
Yeah. Christ, I could have been home
by now!
STAN
All right. Tweek, we'll teach you how
to fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig.
CARTMAN
I don't think that's very fair: if I
teach Craig, he's gonna really kill
Tweek.
STAN
Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my uncle
Jimbo teach Tweek how to box!
CARTMAN
Ooooo! Boxing's scary, you guys! I'm
gonna have Craig learn martial arts!
STAN
Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!
CARTMAN
Fine!
KYLE
Fine!
CARTMAN
Fine, that's fine!
[Big's Gym, later. This is where Stan and Kyle took Jesus to
learn to box. Chef knocked him out with one blow. On this occasion,
Stan and Kyle bring Tweek. Jimbo is the coach, Ned the sparring
partner. All are in the ring]
JIMBO
Alrighty. Tweek, my little nephew Stanley
has asked me to teach you the fine points
of boxing.
TWEEK
Rrrrh!
JIMBO
You're in luck! Ned here used to be
the state champion until a grenade blew
his arm off.
NED
Mmrr I can still kick ass.
JIMBO
Now, Tweek, boxing is a Man sport. There
is nothing in the world more Man than
boxing. It is Man at his most Man. So
when you spar with Ned here, just dig
deep into that most Man part of you.
TWEEK
Hwaaah!
JIMBO
Well, enough of the lectures. let's
get to boxing.
TWEEK
Uugh!
NED
Mmm whatcha got, bee-ahtch?
JIMBO
Keep your guard up, Tweek!
TWEEK
Ow!
STAN
Damnit!
KYLE
Come on, Tweek! He's only got one arm!
JIMBO
All right, looks like we'll have to
apply the Oppenheimer technique with
Tweek here.
NED
Gmmmmm, whatcha got, bee-ahtch?
JIMBO
Punch him in the balls, Tweek!!
NED
AAAAaaaarrgh.
JIMBO
Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while
he's down!
NED
Ow.
JIMBO
Good! Now kick his balls! There, see?
You've got him coughing up blood.
STAN, KYLE
Hooray!
TWEEK
Rrrr!
JIMBO
Now THAT'S BOXING!
[The Nishimura School of Matial Arts]
MASTER
Your friend hasa brought you to learn
the ancient art ofa sumo. You must learna
discipline anda respect. In sumo, your
body must be rike a stone, and your
mind rike a meatroaf.
CRAIG
Meatloaf?
MASTER
The object is simpry to push opponent
out of circle. Is opponent ready?
CARTMAN
I'm ready! Hey, I like this hair thing.
This is cool.
MASTER
Let us begin. Ready? And, th-ree.
CARTMAN
Respect my authoritah!
MASTER
Body rike a stone! Mind rike a meatroaf!
CARTMAN
Dude. Come on, now. Come on.
CRAIG
Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!
MASTER
Fight back! Resist the ass!
CRAIG
How can I resist an ass so great?
MASTER
It is only an ass. You must overcome
the ass with your mind.
CRAIG
This ass is umlike any I've encountered,
Master.
CARTMAN
I win!
MASTER
There is indeed great power in your
ass, Eric. Perhaps you should consider
sumo as your profession.
CARTMAN
Hey, may be.
[Mr. Adler's house, night. He's asleep, and a bad dream begins]
MR. ADLER
No. No. Make it stop.
FIANCÉE
Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever.
But you have to come see me fly tomorrow,
Richard. I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot!
Watch me, Richard! Richard!
MR. ADLER
Baaaaa! I never got to say good-bye.
I never got to say good-bye! Oh no!
Oh NO! NOW what do I do?!
[South Park Elementary, next day. Home Ec.]
PEARL
Okay, that was very good, class. Now
let's try this one together. Honey,
can I get a new wardrobe?
CLASS
Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
PEARL
All right, now let's try this one together.
Lisa Smith's husbamd just bought HER
a new car....
CLASS
Lisa Smith's husbamd just bought HER
a new car....
PEARL
Good. Bebe, why don't you try this one.
I think a trip to Hawaii would really
improve our sex life.
BEBE
I think a trip to Hawaii would really
improve our sex life.
PEARL
Outstanding! Now, Kenny, how about you
try? I can't make love to you until
we get a king-size bed.
KENNY
(I can't make love to you until we get
a king-size bed.)
PEARL
O-kay. Kenny, could I talk to you over
here real quick?
KENNY
(Sure you can.)
PEARL
Kenny, I don't know quite how to tell
you this, but... I'm not sure home economics
is right for you.
KENNY
(Why?)
PEARL
Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory,
your sewing skills are below average,
and, frankly, I don't think the odds
of you marrying a nice rich man in the
future are very, well, good.
KENNY
(You don't?)
PEARL
No. I think you should consider transfering
to shop class.
KENNY
(Shop class?) (No, I won't!)
PEARL
Now, now. Very few students are severely
innured in a shop class.
KENNY
(I don't wanna take shop class!)
BEBE
Come on! It's time for the fight!
WENDY
Yeah!
PEARL
Fight? Oh no no no, girls! Haven't I
taught you anything?
STAN
Okay, the time has finally come.
CLYDE
Programs, get your programs here. Programs.
KYLE
Remember, Tweek: punch hard, punch low.
TWEEK
Hrrr.
KYLE
This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek
TWEEK
Rrrr, mean, rrrr.
CARTMAN
The spirit of the dragon is in your
hands. Hurshar kashurshar. Hurlong churshar.
All right?
CRAIG
Okay.
CARTMAN
Now, LISTEN to me! Hurlong kashurshar!
All right?! And seriously: Hurlong kepur
shung kwong!
CRAIG
Okay, okay!
[Tweek is ready first, then Craig gets ready]
TWEEK
Rrrr! Hr.
STAN
You ready Tweek? You ready Craig? Let's
get in on!
CRAIG
Respect my authority.
[Tweek lands some punches and Craig tries to throw Tweek off
suno-style. They go back and forth this way for a while]
STAN, KYLE
Come on, Tweek!
CARTMAN
Come on, Craig!
[The shop room. Mr. Adler is alone and starts to write]
I can no longer live
without her. I couldn't
say goodbye to her, and so
now I must say goodbye
to all of you, for I am all
out of nicotine gum.
Sincerely yours,
Richard Adler
Shop Class
P.S.
Don't screw around.
You all screw around too much.
[he leaves the desk and goes to the table saw, turns on the switch,
lies on the table feet first, and is pulled towards the blade]
MR. ADLER
Good-bye, cruel world. Jesus Christ!
What was I thinking?! That would have
hurt like hell!
[the playground. Craig and Tweek tumble towards the school, neither
giving in. The other kids follow them to a clearing outside a
bungalow, where Caraig and Tweek resume trading punches]
STAN
Ye-hah!
CARTMAN
Come on, Craig! Time to kick his ass!
KYLE
Go, Tweek. Kick his ass! Get him!
CARTMAN
Come on, Craig!
STAN
Come on, Tweek! You got him!
KYLE
Get him! Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear
that?
TWEEK
What?
KYLE
Craig just called you a boner!
TWEEK
Rrrr!
KYLE
He'll just have to keep throwing jabs
to win the fight.
STAN
Yeah.
[Shop class. Mr. Adler draws closer to the saw blade and sighs.
Kenny comes in and hands him Pearl's note.]
KENNY
(Hi, Mr. Adler.)
MR. ADLER
What? Who are you?
Kenny McCormick
has been transferred
from home ec
to shop class
Well, all right. Get some safety goggles and start gettin' acquainted
with the jigsaw over there. [hands him back the note and Kenny
goes to the jigsaw] Hrh.
[Outside the bungalow Craig and Tweek continue fighting. They
lock up and tumble into the slide, tearing it down. They end
up under the debris]
TWEEK
Huh?
[Shop Class. Kenny starts cutting wood on the jigsaw, but looks
at Mr. Adler going to his death. Craig and Tweek crash through
the shop class window and continue fighting]
MR. ADLER
What the-?
STAN
Here they are.
MR. ADLER
Hey! What's going on?
STAN
Tweek and Craig are fighting. We're
just watching.
MR. ADLER
Well, why the hell don't you stop them?
CARTMAN
'Cause we have ten bucks riding on it.
MR. ADLER
Don't screw aROUND!
[Craig and Tweek tumble towards Kenny]
KENNY
(Hey!) (Hey!)
MR. ADLER
Stop screwin' aROUND!!
[Tweek slams Craig into a second jigsaw and both tumble into
a tool cart, which falls onto the second jigsaw, which tumbles
onto the one Kenny is on.]
KENNY
(Hey, God damnit!)
MR. ADLER
Eh. Hey, you're SCREWIN' AROUND TOO
MUCH!!
KENNY
(Ugh!)
STAN
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE
You bastards!
MR. ADLER
Well, don't just stand there, call
an ambulance! You see? You see what
happens when you screw around in shop
class?
KENNY
(I understand, dude.)
MR. ADLER
What? What's that, son?
FIANCÉE
Richard.
MR. ADLER
AAaaagh! No! No, please don't go. I
need you. I can't live without you.
FIANCÉE
Richard, you have to move on. I want
you to be happy.
MR. ADLER
But I can't. I never got a chance to
say good-bye.
FIANCÉE
Then say it now, Richard.
MR. ADLER
Good-bye?
FIANCÉE
There. Now do you feel better?
MR. ADLER
No.
FIANCÉE
Of course you don't. Saying good-bye
doesn't mean anything. It's the time
that we spent together that really matters,
not how we loved it.
MR. ADLER
You... you're right. You're right.
WOMAN
Richard, this is Grandma.
MR. ADLER
Gram'ma? Hi, Gram!
GRAM'MA
You never said good-bye to me either.
MAN
Hey, Richard. Remember me?
MR. ADLER
Uncle Corey! Wow, you're all alive again!
UNCLE COREY
No! We're dead!
FIANCÉE
I love you, Richard. See you soon.
MR. ADLER
Thank you. Thank you for freeing me.
I feel like now I can move on. Baby,
I feel so much better. I feel so alive.
Thank you, baby. Thank you.
STAN
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right
here.
[Hell's Pass Hospital. The kids enter. Stan approaches a nurse]
STAN
Hi. We're here to visit our good friends,
Tweek and Craig.
NURSE
Oh. Well, I suppose a quick visit is
okay. Maybe you kids can cheer them
up.
STAN
Hey, you guys. How are you feeling?
TWEEK
Rrr!
CRAIG
Ugh.
STAN
Well, uh. We just came by because we
have something to tell you.
KYLE
Yeah. See, we got you to fight just
'cause we wanted to see who was the
toughest. We made up all that stuff
we said to get you guys mad at each
other.
CARTMAN
Yes. You can flip us off, Craig. We
deserve that. We just came by to apologize.
We feel so bad.
KYLE
Boy, do we ever.
STAN
So I guess we'll be gong now, and live
with the knowledge that... you're both
kind of sissies.
TWEEK, CRAIG
What?!
STAN
Well, I mean, that's what was on the
news.
CRAIG
What was on the news?
CARTMAN
Oh, you didn't see it? Oh. Tweek's family
was on the news saying what a wuss youare,
Craig.
CRAIG
Huh?
KYLE
Yeah. And then Craig's family came on
and said Tweek was the wuss, and then
punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.
TWEEK
Uuh! You son of a bitch!
CRAIG
I'm gonna kick you ass!
STAN
Come on, Tweek! You got him!
CARTMAN
Give him sucky, Craig, give him sucky!
Hurlong churshar!
[End of Tweek Vs. Craig]
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