The Internet Movie Script Database (IMSDb)


The web's largest
movie script resource!

Search IMSDb

Alphabetical
# A B C D E F G H
I J K L M N O P Q
R S T U V W X Y Z

Genre
Action Adventure Animation
Comedy Crime Drama
Family Fantasy Film-Noir
Horror Musical Mystery
Romance Sci-Fi Short
Thriller War Western

Sponsor

TV Transcripts
Futurama
Seinfeld
South Park
Stargate SG-1
Lost
The 4400

International
French scripts

Movie Software
DVD ripper software offer
Rip from DVD
Rip Blu-Ray

Latest Comments
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith10/10
Star Wars: The Force Awakens10/10
Batman Begins9/10
Collateral10/10
Jackie Brown8/10

Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS





                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 305


                                   "TWEEK VS CRAIG"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker







               [South Park Elementary. The school bell rings. Most of the third-grade 
               boys are in a shop room.]
 
                                     VOICE
                          This is shop class.  My name is Mr. 
                         Adler. For the next week, rather than 
                         your normal schoolwork, you'll be learning 
                         how to make things. Now, does anybody 
                         know WHY you're in shop class?  Yes?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Because we had to choose between this 
                         and home ec, and we didn't wanna be 
                         sissies?
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Wrong! You are here because you are 
                         America's future!  You may someday be 
                         doctors, or lawyers, or scientists. 
                         Most of you, however, will be pumping 
                         gas, or cutting sheet metal, and that's 
                         why we have...  shop class.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ooooohh.

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Now, let me make one thing crystal clear: 
                         I don't like kids that screw around! 
                         You screw around in shop class, you 
                         can lose a hand or an eye. I have a- 
                          I have... uh, I have a...
 
                                     KYLE
                         Mr. Adler?

                                     MR. ADLER
                          Huh? Oh, uh, I was just saying that 
                         I want to know who is the biggest troublemaker 
                         in your class?
 
                                     STAN
                          Tweek is!

                                     TWEEK
                         Arrh! No, I'm not!

                                     KYLE
                         Stan:	Yeah, you are! You always get 
                         in trouble
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Arrrrh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, hello, excuse me, but Craig is the 
                         biggest troublemaker in our class.
 
                         
                                     MR. ADLER
                         That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         No.

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Well, you'd better not be, because in 
                         shop class we-  Hey! Did you just flip 
                         me off?!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         No.

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Yes, you did!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Told ya!

                                     KYLE
                          Dude, shop class sucks. Maybe we should 
                         have taken home ec.
 
                                     STAN
                         Now way, dude. Home ec is for girls.
 
                         
               [The Home Economics room. All the girls are here]

                                     VOICE
                          Welcome to home ec.  For the next week, 
                         you will be learning how to bake, sew, 
                         clean, and make things that are lacy 
                         and pretty. 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohooo!) 

                                     WENDY
                         I requested to be in shop class, but 
                         they sent me here.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         That's right, Wendy. You see, some of 
                         you girls will go on to have interesting 
                         jobs and careers.  But all of you pretty 
                         ones... won't have to worry about that, 
                         because you can marry a nice man. And 
                         that's why we have... home ec.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Woohooo!) 

               [The Shop room. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit before a power miter 
               box. Cartman is feeding it wood]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take 
                         shop class? 
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't know. He's such a wuss.

                                     MR. ADLER
                          Hey! Don't screw around! You screw 
                         around too much!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You know, you guys are totally wrong 
                         about Tweek. Craig is way worse than 
                         he is. 
 
                                     STAN
                         No he's not dude. Craig is a wuss.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight, 
                         Craig would kick Tweek's ass.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Do you wanna bet?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I'll bet.

                                     STAN
                         How much?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Five bucks.

                                     STAN
                         You're on!

                                     TWEEK
                          Arrh! 

                                     STAN
                         Hey Tweek.

                                     TWEEK
                          Gaarhrhrh!

                                     STAN
                         Dude. Craig chooses you. He wants to 
                         fight.
 
                                     TWEEK
                          He does?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. He's all pissed off at you. So, 
                         will you fight?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Why?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, because! You have to stand up 
                         for yourself! So will you fight him? 
                         
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Rrrrh! He doesn't look like he wants 
                         to fight me.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Craig, could I talk to you real quick? 
                          Er, just a second, please, Craig. Craig, 
                         I'm not normally one to get involved 
                         in this kind of thing but, well, I was 
                         just standing over by Tweek, and, he 
                         called you a big poop-eater.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         He did?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah. He said you eat poop, and that 
                         it makes your breath smell like poop, 
                         and that, eh, well, you like it.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Why would he say that?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't Craig, I don't know. But now 
                         he's over there telling everybody that 
                         you're a poop-eater and he chooses you.
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                          Well, I've gotta go over there and-
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          No, no! Craig, you you can't fight 
                         him here; Mr. Adler would just break 
                         it up. Tell you what: I'll go tell him 
                         you accept his challenge, and set it 
                         up for after school today.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Okay. 

                                     KYLE
                         There. Did you see? He just flipped 
                         you off.
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Rrrr! What a jerk!

                                     STAN
                         He's really got it out for you, dude.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Why?! What did I do?!

                                     KYLE
                         So, do you agree to fight him after 
                         school?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         I guess so.

                                     STAN
                         Super. See you there. 

               [Mr. Adler takes out the woman's picture again and looks at it. 
               He begins to daydream. Memories of his fiancée come to him, and 
               her voice echoes every time reminisces]
 
                                     FIANCÉE
                          Catch me, Richard.  I'm so in love 
                         with you, Richard.  I made you some 
                         cookies, Richard.  Merry Christmas, 
                         Richard.  Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold 
                         me forever.  Aaaaaaa!  Richard!
 
               [the school bell rings, and he's back] Aaaarr! Uh. [opens a drawer 
               to get some nicotine gum, and chews some] Oh why? Why? [closes 
               his eyes and continues chewing]
 
                                     STAN
                         Mr. Adler! Mr. Ad-ler!

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Huhuh Huh? Stop screwing around!

                                     STAN
                         The bell rang. Can we go?

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Well, uh, well, sure. Uh, class dismissed.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Come on, you guys. 

               [The school yard]

                                     STAN
                         This is gonna be so sweet, dude.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys are so wrong about Tweek. He's 
                         gonna get his ass kicked.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We'll see!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Why don't we just raise our bet to ten 
                         dollars?!
 
                                     STAN
                         You're on, fatass! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, well, well, look who's here! Our 
                         little home economics friend, Kenny!
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Hey guys, what's going on with you?)
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         How come you wanna take home ec., Kenny?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. That's not cool, dude. 

                                     BEBE
                         Bye, Kenny. See you tomorrow.

                                     JORDAN
                         Bye, Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                         (Bye, ladies.) 

                                     CLYDE
                         Hey, what's going on?

                                     KYLE
                         Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.

                                     CLYDE
                         Really? Cool.  It's funny, 'cause Tweek 
                         and Craig both went home about fifteen 
                         minutes ago.
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah, they left.

                                     STAN
                         Aw, hell!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Those sons of bitches!

                                     CLYDE
                         I guess they don't wanna fight.

                                     KYLE
                         Aw, they wanna fight! They just don't 
                         know it yet! 
 
               [Stan and Kyle arrive at Tweek's house. Stan rings the bell]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Tweek?

                                     KYLE
                          Tweek?

                                     TWEEK
                          Herr. What do you guys want?

                                     STAN
                         How come you didn't show up for the 
                         fight, Tweek?!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Craig and I have no reason to fight 
                         each other.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, Craig showed up.

                                     TWEEK
                         He did?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah. He was standing there waiting 
                         for you, and he was all like, "Man, 
                         Tweek's a wuss," and we were all like, 
                         "No he's not, Craig," and he was all 
                         like, "Yeah he is, he isn't showing 
                         up. He's a big wuss, and he has crooked 
                         teeth!"
 
                                     TWEEK
                         I don't have crooked teeth!

                                     KYLE
                         And then Craig was all like, "Tweek 
                         is scared o'me. He's a big chicken." 
                         And he started doing an impersonation 
                         of you being a chicken ; well, everybody 
                         in the world saw it!
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Everyone in the world?! Rrrr! 

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, it was weak.

                                     TWEEK
                         I'm not a chicken!

                                     KYLE
                         Well, everyone in the world thinks you 
                         are. See ya. 
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Wait! I'll fight!

                                     STAN
                         Tomorrow?

                                     TWEEK
                         Okay.

               [Cartman and Kenny arrive at Craig's house. Cartman knocks and 
               Craig answers.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! 
                         You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         Red Racer's on.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day 
                         of the week!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         I do watch Red Racer every day of the 
                         week!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Well, that's fine. I guess you don't 
                         care about what Tweek said about your 
                         mom.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Nnope. 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Egh. God-damnit!  Well, I guess you 
                         don't care about what Tweek said about 
                         your guinea pig.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         What?! What did he say about Stripe?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, nothing, except that you stick it 
                         up your ass before you go to bed.
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I'd be pissed too, so maybe we 
                         should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                         After Red Racer.

                                     CARTMAN
                          After Red Racer, of course.

               [The Tweek house, that night, dinner. The Tweeks are at table]
 
               
                                     RICHARD
                         How was school today, son?

                                     TWEEK
                         Errh!

                                     RICHARD
                         That's great.

                                     TWEEK
                         Dahad, if some kid in school wants to 
                         fight me, what should I do??
 
                                     RICHARD
                         Son, let me tell you a little story 
                         about when your mother and I first met. 
                          You see, a long time ago, there were 
                         a lot of guys who were after your mother. 
                         She used to be very attractive.
 
                                     MOM
                         It's true. I was. 

                                     RICHARD
                         Well, when I started courting your mother, 
                         there was this big muscular football 
                         player named Quib, who didn't take too 
                         kindly to me. He wanted your mother 
                         all to himself. And so, one day, he 
                         challenged me to a fight. 
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Well?

                                     MOM
                         Well what, honey?

                                     TWEEK
                         Nrr. What happened?

                                     RICHARD
                         Oh'd. I, I don't know. He moved away 
                         or something.
 
                                     MOM
                         Yes, I think that's right.

                                     TWEEK
                         Rrrrr! You guys never help me!  Your 
                         stories never go anywhere! I hate it! 
                         I want out! I want out! 
 
               [Craig's house, dinner time. Craig has a little sister]

                                     CRAIG
                         Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight 
                         tomorrow.
 
                                     DAD
                         With who?

                                     CRAIG
                         Some kid.

                                     DAD
                         Oh.

                                     MOM
                         Don't just "Oh" him, Thomas!

                                     CRAIG
                         Yeah, don't just "Oh" me!

               Thomas	I'll "Oh" whoever I want! [Mom flips Thomas off, he flips 
               back, the daughter flips them both off, and Craig flips his dad 
               off with the right hand, his sister off with the left, and his 
               mom with the right, up close]
 
               [Mr. Adler's home. He and a woman have just returned from a date]
 
               
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Well, that was fun, Pearl. See you later.
 
                         
                                     PEARL
                         Richard, aren't you going to invite 
                         me in?
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Why?

                                     PEARL
                         Well, I thought maybe you would at least 
                         at-tempt to make love to me tonight.
 
                         
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Oh, well, uuh, I can't. I left the oven 
                         on.
 
                                     PEARL
                         Oh, Richard, why can't you open your 
                         heart to me? Why?
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have 
                         genital warts. 
 
                                     PEARL
                         We'll use plastic wrap.

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. 
                         
 
                                     FIANCÉE
                          Swing me Richard, swing me higher. 
                         I wanna touch the sky, Richard.  Richard, 
                         I'm here!  Smile.  Oh, Richard, it's 
                         beautiful. Yes. Yes.  But you have to 
                         come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I 
                         have a surprise for you.  Don't worry, 
                         Richard. I'll pilot! It's what I do! 
                          Aaaaaaa!  Richard!  Richard.
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                          Haaarrr!  Aw, God, what am I gonna 
                         do? 
 
               [South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day, recess. From 
               left to right on a table are seated Stan, Tweek, Kyle, Cartman, 
               Craig, and Kenny. Much of the class is assembled before them. 
               A large sign saying "Tweek VS. Craig" hangs above them from the 
               ceiling]
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, so, just to set the record straight 
                         here, the fight will be happening out 
                         by the tetherball pole at 3:30. Tweek 
                         just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig 
                         at 45.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Uh, how long do you expect the fight 
                         to last?
 
               Craig	I uh...

                                     CARTMAN
                          However long Craig wants it to last. 
                          T'heh, ub. Look, make no mistake. Craig 
                         has been ready for this fight since 
                         day one. He doesn't even view it as 
                         a challenge.
 
                                     KYLE
                         He'll view it as a challenge when he's 
                         getting his ass kicked!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hup. Did you hear that? It sound like 
                         some diarrhea coming out of someone's 
                         mouth or something.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Shut up, fatass!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch! 
                         
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Wow. Tweek and Craig really hate each 
                         other, huh? This should be a good fight.
 
                         
               [Home Economics, after recess.]

                                     PEARL
                          On your first date, look at the man's 
                         shoes. Sometimes you can tell how much 
                         money a man has just by his shoes.  
                         When he takes you out to dinner, try 
                         to sneak a peek at his wallet while 
                         he pays for you. If he only has one 
                         credit card, BEWARE.  It means he doesn't 
                         spend a lot, and worse yet, it could 
                         be a debit card. If he has more than 
                         four credit cards, that's a little fishy. 
                          The perfect number of credit cards 
                         for a man to have is... two. 
 
                                     BEBE
                         What if we meet a guy who wants to be 
                         a doctor or a lawyer, but is still getting 
                         his degree?
 
                                     PEARL
                         Dump that zero and get yourself a hero! 
                         He could be earning that degree all 
                         his life while you starve to death with 
                         two dying babies sucking at your teats. 
                         
 
               [Shop class. The boys are busy on various projects. Cartman stands 
               on a stool operating a drill press as Stan and Kyle stand on 
               the floor.]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         When I have you guys' ten bucks, I'm 
                         gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen 
                         TV in the whole world.
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's more than ten bucks, you stupid 
                         fatass!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, if I get ten buck from each of 
                         you, that's like $2000
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Hey, quit screwing around back there! 
                         You're horsing! 
 
                                     FIANCÉE
                         Ri-chard!  Ri-chard!  Swing me Richard, 
                         swing me higher!  Richard, I'm here! 
                          Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes. 
                          But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, 
                         Richard. I have a surprise for you. 
                          Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot!  
                         It's all for you!  Aaaaaaa!  Richard!
 
                         
                                     CLYDE
                         Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler!

                                     MR. ADLER
                          Huh? Uh, what?

                                     CLYDE
                         Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander 
                         
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         The belt sander? Tommy?? I told you 
                         not to screw around with the belt sander, 
                         didn't I?  Well go on. Go see the nurse; 
                         she'll give you some peroxide. 
 
                                     CLYDE
                          What's that?

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Huh? Oh, this is a woman I knew a long 
                         time ago.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         What? She die or something?

                                     MR. ADLER
                         What? Hey! Go on!  You're screwing around 
                         in here! 
 
               [After school. The kids climb over a hill to reach the tetherball 
               pole. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek lead the way]
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Oh boy! Here we go!

                                     WENDY
                          What's happening?

                                     KYLE
                         Tweek's gonna fight Craig!

                                     WENDY
                         Oh cool!

                                     STAN
                         Stay pissed, Tweek. Stay pissed.  All 
                         right. Here we go.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Time for you to get proven wrong, fat 
                         boy
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         You're gonna be eating those words, 
                         asshole.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first, 
                         tubby. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Well?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on!

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!
 
                         
                                     CRAIG
                          What do we do?

                                     STAN
                         Huh?

                                     CARTMAN
                         What do you mean, what do you do? You 
                         just fight each other.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         How?

                                     KYLE
                         How??

                                     CRAIG
                         I've never been in a fight before.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Me neither.

                                     CROWD
                          Awwww.

                                     STAN
                          Aw, dude, come on!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You just hit each other, smack each 
                         other around. 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Not like that!

                                     TWEEK
                         Like what, then?

                                     STAN
                          All right, all right, screw it! We 
                         have to postpone the fight 'til Tweek 
                         and Craig can learn how to fight.
 
                         
                                     CROWD
                         Awww. 

                                     CLYDE
                          All that build-up for nothing.

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah. Christ, I could have been home 
                         by now!
 
                                     STAN
                         All right. Tweek, we'll teach you how 
                         to fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't think that's very fair: if I 
                         teach Craig, he's gonna really kill 
                         Tweek.
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my uncle 
                         Jimbo teach Tweek how to box!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Ooooo! Boxing's scary, you guys!  I'm 
                         gonna have Craig learn martial arts!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine! 

                                     KYLE
                         Fine!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Fine, that's fine!

               [Big's Gym, later. This is where Stan and Kyle took Jesus to 
               learn to box. Chef knocked him out with one blow. On this occasion, 
               Stan and Kyle bring Tweek. Jimbo is the coach, Ned the sparring 
               partner. All are in the ring]
 
                                     JIMBO
                         Alrighty. Tweek, my little nephew Stanley 
                         has asked me to teach you the fine points 
                         of boxing.
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Rrrrh!

                                     JIMBO
                         You're in luck! Ned here used to be 
                         the state champion until a grenade blew 
                         his arm off.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmrr I can still kick ass.

                                     JIMBO
                         Now, Tweek, boxing is a Man sport. There 
                         is nothing in the world more Man than 
                         boxing. It is Man at his most Man. So 
                         when you spar with Ned here, just dig 
                         deep into that most Man part of you.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Hwaaah! 

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, enough of the lectures. let's 
                         get to boxing. 
 
                                     TWEEK
                         Uugh!

                                     NED
                         Mmm whatcha got, bee-ahtch? 

                                     JIMBO
                         Keep your guard up, Tweek! 

                                     TWEEK
                         Ow!

                                     STAN
                         Damnit!

                                     KYLE
                         Come on, Tweek! He's only got one arm!
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         All right, looks like we'll have to 
                         apply the Oppenheimer technique with 
                         Tweek here. 
 
                                     NED
                          Gmmmmm, whatcha got, bee-ahtch?

                                     JIMBO
                         Punch him in the balls, Tweek!! 

                                     NED
                         AAAAaaaarrgh.

                                     JIMBO
                         Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while 
                         he's down! 
 
                                     NED
                         Ow.

                                     JIMBO
                         Good! Now kick his balls!  There, see? 
                         You've got him coughing up blood.
 
                         
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Hooray!

                                     TWEEK
                         Rrrr!

                                     JIMBO
                         Now THAT'S BOXING!

               [The Nishimura School of Matial Arts]

                                     MASTER
                         Your friend hasa brought you to learn 
                         the ancient art ofa sumo. You must learna 
                         discipline anda respect.  In sumo, your 
                         body must be rike a stone, and your 
                         mind rike a meatroaf.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Meatloaf?

                                     MASTER
                         The object is simpry to push opponent 
                         out of circle. Is opponent ready?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm ready!  Hey, I like this hair thing. 
                         This is cool. 
 
                                     MASTER
                         Let us begin.  Ready? And, th-ree.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Respect my authoritah! 

                                     MASTER
                         Body rike a stone! Mind rike a meatroaf!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude. Come on, now. Come on.

                                     CRAIG
                         Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!

                                     MASTER
                         Fight back! Resist the ass!

                                     CRAIG
                         How can I resist an ass so great?

                                     MASTER
                         It is only an ass. You must overcome 
                         the ass with your mind.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         This ass is umlike any I've encountered, 
                         Master. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I win!

                                     MASTER
                         There is indeed great power in your 
                         ass, Eric. Perhaps you should consider 
                         sumo as your profession.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, may be. 

               [Mr. Adler's house, night. He's asleep, and a bad dream begins]
 
               
                                     MR. ADLER
                          No. No. Make it stop.

                                     FIANCÉE
                          Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever. 
                          But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, 
                         Richard. I have a surprise for you. 
                          Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot!  
                         Watch me, Richard!  Richard!
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Baaaaa!  I never got to say good-bye. 
                         I never got to say good-bye!  Oh no! 
                         Oh NO! NOW what do I do?! 
 
               [South Park Elementary, next day. Home Ec.]

                                     PEARL
                         Okay, that was very good, class. Now 
                         let's try this one together.  Honey, 
                         can I get a new wardrobe?
 
                                     CLASS
                          Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?

                                     PEARL
                         All right, now let's try this one together. 
                          Lisa Smith's husbamd just bought HER 
                         a new car....
 
                                     CLASS
                          Lisa Smith's husbamd just bought HER 
                         a new car....
 
                                     PEARL
                         Good. Bebe, why don't you try this one. 
                          I think a trip to Hawaii would really 
                         improve our sex life.
 
                                     BEBE
                         I think a trip to Hawaii would really 
                         improve our sex life.
 
                                     PEARL
                         Outstanding! Now, Kenny, how about you 
                         try?  I can't make love to you until 
                         we get a king-size bed.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (I can't make love to you until we get 
                         a king-size bed.)
 
                                     PEARL
                          O-kay. Kenny, could I talk to you over 
                         here real quick?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Sure you can.) 

                                     PEARL
                         Kenny, I don't know quite how to tell 
                         you this, but... I'm not sure home economics 
                         is right for you.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Why?)

                                     PEARL
                         Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory, 
                         your sewing skills are below average, 
                         and, frankly, I don't think the odds 
                         of you marrying a nice rich man in the 
                         future are very, well, good.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (You don't?)

                                     PEARL
                         No. I think you should consider transfering 
                         to shop class.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Shop class?)  (No, I won't!)

                                     PEARL
                         Now, now. Very few students are severely 
                         innured in a shop class.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (I don't wanna take shop class!) 

                                     BEBE
                         Come on! It's time for the fight!

                                     WENDY
                         Yeah! 

                                     PEARL
                         Fight? Oh no no no, girls! Haven't I 
                         taught you anything?
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, the time has finally come. 

                                     CLYDE
                          Programs, get your programs here. Programs.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Remember, Tweek: punch hard, punch low.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Hrrr.

                                     KYLE
                         This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Rrrr, mean, rrrr.

                                     CARTMAN
                         The spirit of the dragon is in your 
                         hands. Hurshar kashurshar. Hurlong churshar. 
                         All right?
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Okay.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Now, LISTEN to me! Hurlong kashurshar! 
                         All right?! And seriously: Hurlong kepur 
                         shung kwong!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Okay, okay!

               [Tweek is ready first, then Craig gets ready]

                                     TWEEK
                         Rrrr!  Hr. 

                                     STAN
                         You ready Tweek? You ready Craig? Let's 
                         get in on!
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Respect my authority.

               [Tweek lands some punches and Craig tries to throw Tweek off 
               suno-style. They go back and forth this way for a while]
 
                                     STAN, KYLE
                         Come on, Tweek!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, Craig!

               [The shop room. Mr. Adler is alone and starts to write]

               
               I can no longer live

               without her. I couldn't

               say goodbye to her, and so

               now I must say goodbye

               to all of you, for I am all

               out of nicotine gum.

               
               Sincerely yours,

               Richard Adler

               Shop Class

               
               P.S.

               Don't screw around.

               You all screw around too much.

               [he leaves the desk and goes to the table saw, turns on the switch, 
               lies on the table feet first, and is pulled towards the blade]
 
               
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Good-bye, cruel world.  Jesus Christ! 
                         What was I thinking?! That would have 
                         hurt like hell!
 
               [the playground. Craig and Tweek tumble towards the school, neither 
               giving in. The other kids follow them to a clearing outside a 
               bungalow, where Caraig and Tweek resume trading punches]
 
                                     STAN
                         Ye-hah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, Craig! Time to kick his ass! 
                         
 
                                     KYLE
                         Go, Tweek. Kick his ass! Get him!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Come on, Craig!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Tweek! You got him!

                                     KYLE
                         Get him!  Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear 
                         that?
 
                                     TWEEK
                         What?

                                     KYLE
                         Craig just called you a boner!

                                     TWEEK
                         Rrrr! 

                                     KYLE
                          He'll just have to keep throwing jabs 
                         to win the fight.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

               [Shop class. Mr. Adler draws closer to the saw blade and sighs. 
               Kenny comes in and hands him Pearl's note.]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Hi, Mr. Adler.)

                                     MR. ADLER
                         What? Who are you? 

               Kenny McCormick

               has been transferred

               from home ec

               to shop class

               Well, all right. Get some safety goggles and start gettin' acquainted 
               with the jigsaw over there. [hands him back the note and Kenny 
               goes to the jigsaw] Hrh.
 
               [Outside the bungalow Craig and Tweek continue fighting. They 
               lock up and tumble into the slide, tearing it down. They end 
               up under the debris]
 
                                     TWEEK
                          Huh? 

               [Shop Class. Kenny starts cutting wood on the jigsaw, but looks 
               at Mr. Adler going to his death. Craig and Tweek crash through 
               the shop class window and continue fighting]
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                          What the-? 

                                     STAN
                         Here they are.

                                     MR. ADLER
                          Hey! What's going on?

                                     STAN
                         Tweek and Craig are fighting. We're 
                         just watching. 
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Well, why the hell don't you stop them?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         'Cause we have ten bucks riding on it.
 
                         
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Don't screw aROUND!

               [Craig and Tweek tumble towards Kenny]

                                     KENNY
                         (Hey!)  (Hey!)

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Stop screwin' aROUND!!

               [Tweek slams Craig into a second jigsaw and both tumble into 
               a tool cart, which falls onto the second jigsaw, which tumbles 
               onto the one Kenny is on.]
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Hey, God damnit!)

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Eh. Hey, you're SCREWIN' AROUND TOO 
                         MUCH!! 
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Ugh!)

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

                                     KYLE
                         You bastards!

                                     MR. ADLER
                          Well, don't just stand there, call 
                         an ambulance!  You see? You see what 
                         happens when you screw around in shop 
                         class?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (I understand, dude.)

                                     MR. ADLER
                         What? What's that, son?

                                     FIANCÉE
                          Richard.

                                     MR. ADLER
                         AAaaagh!  No! No, please don't go. I 
                         need you. I can't live without you. 
                         
 
                                     FIANCÉE
                          Richard, you have to move on. I want 
                         you to be happy.
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         But I can't. I never got a chance to 
                         say good-bye.
 
                                     FIANCÉE
                         Then say it now, Richard.

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Good-bye?

                                     FIANCÉE
                         There. Now do you feel better?

                                     MR. ADLER
                         No.

                                     FIANCÉE
                         Of course you don't. Saying good-bye 
                         doesn't mean anything. It's the time 
                         that we spent together that really matters, 
                         not how we loved it.
 
                                     MR. ADLER
                         You... you're right. You're right. 

                                     WOMAN
                         Richard, this is Grandma.

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Gram'ma? Hi, Gram!

                                     GRAM'MA
                         You never said good-bye to me either. 
                         
 
                                     MAN
                         Hey, Richard. Remember me?

                                     MR. ADLER
                         Uncle Corey! Wow, you're all alive again!
 
                         
                                     UNCLE COREY
                          No! We're dead! 

                                     FIANCÉE
                          I love you, Richard. See you soon.
 
                         
                                     MR. ADLER
                         Thank you. Thank you for freeing me. 
                         I feel like now I can move on. Baby, 
                         I feel so much better. I feel so alive. 
                          Thank you, baby. Thank you.
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, this is pretty fucked up right 
                         here.
 
               [Hell's Pass Hospital. The kids enter. Stan approaches a nurse]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Hi. We're here to visit our good friends, 
                         Tweek and Craig.
 
                                     NURSE
                         Oh. Well, I suppose a quick visit is 
                         okay. Maybe you kids can cheer them 
                         up. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Hey, you guys. How are you feeling?
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Rrr!

                                     CRAIG
                         Ugh.

                                     STAN
                         Well, uh. We just came by because we 
                         have something to tell you.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. See, we got you to fight just 
                         'cause we wanted to see who was the 
                         toughest. We made up all that stuff 
                         we said to get you guys mad at each 
                         other. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes. You can flip us off, Craig. We 
                         deserve that. We just came by to apologize. 
                         We feel so bad.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Boy, do we ever.

                                     STAN
                         So I guess we'll be gong now, and live 
                         with the knowledge that... you're both 
                         kind of sissies. 
 
                                     TWEEK, CRAIG
                         What?!

                                     STAN
                          Well, I mean, that's what was on the 
                         news.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         What was on the news?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, you didn't see it? Oh. Tweek's family 
                         was on the news saying what a wuss youare, 
                         Craig.
 
                                     CRAIG
                         Huh?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. And then Craig's family came on 
                         and said Tweek was the wuss, and then 
                         punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.
 
                         
                                     TWEEK
                         Uuh! You son of a bitch! 

                                     CRAIG
                         I'm gonna kick you ass!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Tweek! You got him!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Give him sucky, Craig, give him sucky! 
                         Hurlong churshar!
 
               [End of Tweek Vs. Craig]

Tweek Vs Craig



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


User Comments







Index    |    Submit    |    Links    |    Link to us    |    RSS Feeds    |    Disclaimer    |    Privacy policy