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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 308


                             "TWO GUYS NAKED IN A HOTTUB"


                                      Written by 


                        Trey Parker, Matt Stone & David Goodman






               [The Marsh car, night, Randy's driving. He and Sheila take Stan 
               along with them. It seems Shelley has already been dropped off 
               at Cartman's house to babysit him.]
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't want to go to this stupid party!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great 
                         time.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, you guys are gonna have a great 
                         time! Whenever there's a party, the 
                         adults get to hang out and have fun 
                         while the kids spend the night locked 
                         in the basement eating stale pretzels.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Well, your mom and I don't get out much, 
                         so you'll just have to bear through 
                         it.
 
               [The Mackey house. The Marshes arrive. Four other cars are there, 
               one of them double-parked. The house is festooned with stars 
               of various sizes, with two shooting stars among them. A banner 
               reads, "METEOR SHOWER PARTY" while a sign on the door reads "WELCOME 
               SKYWATCHERS." The Marshes reach the door and Randy rings the 
               bell. Mr. Mackey answers.]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Hello! Welcome, hmkay? This is already 
                         a wild party, hm.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, well uh, sorry we had to bring 
                         the kid along. We had nowhere else to 
                         put him.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, that's okay. I've got a special 
                         kids' room down in the basement.
 
                                     STAN
                         Awww!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Be sure to help yourselves to the crab 
                         soufflé, and uh, eh, Juanita?  Juanita? 
                          We need some more finger sandwiches? 
                         
 
               [The basement. Mr. Mackey leads the family down the steps]

                                     STAN
                         I don't wanna hang out in the kids' 
                         room. I won't know anybody
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, it would be good for you to make 
                         new friends. You can't just hang out 
                         with your buddy Kyle all the time. People 
                         will think you guys are, you know, funny. 
                         Now I bet you'll have a great time.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Here you go, it's right in here. 
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         We'll be upstairs if you need anything, 
                         Stan.
 
                                     STAN
                          Dad! You can't leave me here! These 
                         guys are total Melvins!
 
                                     SHARON
                         You have fun, Stanley.

                                     STAN
                          No! Mom, please! They're the geekiest 
                         kids at our school!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         We'll come get you kids when the meteor 
                         shower starts. 
 
                                     PIP
                         Cheerio, Stahan. I do say it's quite 
                         a nice surprise seeing you here.
 
                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Pip.

                                     SWANSON
                         Hey, Stan. Why I-I-I sure am glad you're 
                         here, 'cause then we'll have even more 
                         fun than we, why, than we was havin' 
                         before. Why, we wuh, we were havin' 
                         an awfully good time before you showed 
                         up, too, however.
 
                                     STAN
                         Butters, is there any way out of here?
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Nope. No way out. Buh, but there ain't 
                         nothin' upstairs but an old, stupid 
                         party anyways. It's better down here 
                         in the kids' room.  Uh, this here is 
                         Dougie. He's not too old, but he sure 
                         is a hoot to hang with. Uhuh, he's in 
                         first grade, I think.
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         I like math.

                                     STAN
                         Oh my God.

                                     PIP
                         We were just playing a game called Wickershams 
                         and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     PIP
                         I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you 
                         are all little Wickershams  We all sing 
                         the merry tune of Stratford until I 
                         yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall 
                         down laughing, and I join you, as I 
                         find it funny too. Stan, would you be 
                         the Wickersham of Brumble Briar?  And 
                         all right, here we go. Whippy-tippy 
                         tootoo, tralala-la.
 
                                     ALL THREE
                         Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. Whippy-tippy 
                         tootoo, tralala-la. 
 
               [Upstairs. The party is well under way. Mr. Garrison walks up 
               to Mr. Mackey]
 
                                     GARRISON
                          Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just 
                         grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.  No! 
                         Mr. Hat, you get back here! 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch? 
                         It packs quite a whallop.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, I'll pass. I don't drink hard alcohol.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Come on! Loosen up! Meteor showers 
                         only come once in a great while. 
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         One little drink isn't going to hurt 
                         anything, honey. Come on, live a little.
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Well, it is kind of a special night. 
                         I guess I could... experiment. 
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, experiment.

               [The basement. Pip, Butters, and Dougie continue with Wickershams 
               and Ducklers. Stan sits on the floor with his back to them, arms 
               wrapping his knees]
 
                                     ALL THREE
                          Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.

                                     PIP
                          Wickersham tally-ho ugh.  Are you sure 
                         you don't want to play, Stanley?
 
                                     STAN
                          Yes.

                                     DOUGIE
                         What are you? A sourpuss?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhuh, you uh really oughta play, Stan. 
                         It's an awfully fun game. Ah I've never 
                         been to England, but uh I'll bet the 
                         people there are really nice.  Are people 
                         nice in England, Pip? I bet they are, 
                         huh?  They got those thick noses and 
                         all.
 
                                     PIP
                          Hey, look at this!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh what is it? Is it something neat? 
                         Uh I wonder what it could be. 
 
                                     PIP
                          It's a box filled with ladies' clothes.
 
                         
                                     DOUGIE
                          Neato.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, you know what we could do with 
                         these lady clothes, huh? Wuh-y why we 
                         could play Charlie's Angels.
 
                                     STAN
                          Oh, dude, you've gotta be kidding me.
 
                         
                                     PIP
                          Yes, let's! Can I be Jaclyn Smith? 
                         Can I?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         No, uh I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, 
                         uh I thought of Charlie's Angels, and 
                         I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought 
                         of it.
 
                                     PIP
                          Oh, this sounds as much fun as Wickershams 
                         and Ducklers! Come on, Angels. Let's 
                         get dressed.  Which ladies' garments 
                         would you like, Stan?
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I'm not putting on ladies' clothes, 
                         and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels! 
                         You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one 
                         of you! So you go ahead and be Melvins, 
                         and leave me alone!
 
                                     PIP
                         Well.  Alrighty then.

               [The backyard. A hot tub sits just behind the house. Mr. Mackey 
               leads the Marshes and Broflovskis to it]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Here it is. I just had the hot tub put 
                         in last week.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Wow, neat!

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         It looks quite inviting.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yeah, you can get a lot of action when 
                         you have a hot tub.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh Mr. Mackey, you nut.

                                     RANDY
                         Hell, we should get in.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Sure, go ahead. It's a-it's a party, 
                         isn't it? Mkahy?
 
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing. I have nothing 
                         to wear.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Hm huheh, that's okay. 

                                     KYLE'S MOTHER
                         No hot tob for me!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, screw you guys! 

                                     RANDY
                         I'm getting in for a while, too.  Geronimo!
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                         Oh, look at our boys, Sheila.  It's 
                         just like they're in college again.
 
                         
               [The basement. The Angels are dressed and ready for action, but...]
 
               
                                     PIP
                         Okay, Angels, what's our mission this 
                         week?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, I don't know what our mission 
                         is. Do you know what our mission is, 
                         little first-grade kid?
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         How should I know?

                                     PIP
                         Oh, dear. We're Charlie's Angels, but 
                         we don't have a mission.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, that's because we need Bosley. 
                         Uh Bosley always told the Angels what 
                         their mission was. Remember Bosley? 
                         Wah uhwhy uhwhy we need somebody to 
                         be Bosley. 
 
                                     STAN
                          What?

                                     PIP
                         Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan, 
                         but would you mind terribly being Bosley 
                         for us?
 
                                     STAN
                          What do I have to do?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh you just got- you just gotta tell 
                         us what our mission is, that's all. 
                         That's all Bosley does. Just give a 
                         mission, and us Angels will accomplish 
                         it.
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright, alright. Here's your mission. 
                         In ten minutes this room is gonna fill 
                         up with water and drown everybody. You 
                         have to find me a way out of this room, 
                         fast.
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh, that's a splendid mission!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, what are we waitin' for? We've 
                         gotta find a way out of this room, by 
                         golly, or else we're gonna get drowned. 
                         Come on, Angels! 
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Which Angel am I again?

               [The hot tub. Gerald and Randy relax in its bubbling warmth]
 
               
                                     RANDY
                         Oh boy, it's nice to have a night out 
                         without the kids, huh?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah, I know what yuu mean.

                                     RANDY
                         I love havin' a family and all. I just... 
                         miss being able to party. Drinking and 
                         socializing, and experimenting with 
                         all kinds of different things.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, that's what being young is all 
                         about. Once you have a family and a 
                         career, your experimenting days are 
                         over. But tonight is the exception; 
                         that's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar. 
                          Only 'cause I've never smoked before. 
                         
 
                                     RANDY
                         Good idea.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         What haven't you tried that you've always 
                         wanted to try?
 
                                     RANDY
                         Hohn.  Um, I don't know. Maybe I'll 
                         drink a few more beers and see where 
                         the party takes me.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah! ...Was that your leg?

                                     RANDY
                         Huh? Oh, you mean, this?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Yeah.

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. That, that was me.

               [The basement. Pip rushes up to Stan]

                                     PIP
                         Bosley! Bosley!

                                     STAN
                          What, Pip?

                                     PIP
                         Oh no no no. My name is Sabrina Duncan. 
                         Remember? We're playing Charlie's Angels.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What the hell do you want?!

                                     PIP
                         Well, we've completed our mission. Jill 
                         found a way upstairs.
 
                                     STAN
                         You did? 

                                     DOUGIE
                          Air shaft.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Dougie pushed that big box out of the 
                         way and found this old ventilation duct. 
                         And I reckon it's got to lead somewhere, 
                         and and it's good 'cause, uh 'cause 
                         now we won't drown.
 
                                     PIP
                         So Bosley, what's our next mission?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We're going upstairs.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Upstairs? Uhwhy why there's ain't nothin' 
                         upstairs but adults. Uhwhy would we 
                         want to go upstairs for?
 
                                     STAN
                         Because, you stupid Melvins, they have 
                         rad food and desserts upstairs! 
 
               [The hot tub]

                                     RANDY
                         Hey, did you see Principal Victoria 
                         in there? She looks hot.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         She sure does. I wouldn't mind takin' 
                         that home.
 
                                     RANDY
                         O-hoh, yehah, I'm sure your wife would 
                         love that.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I wish. That's the one thing I've always 
                         thought of experimenting with. A threesome
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          With two girls or two guys?

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Huh, well, two girls, of course! I mean 
                         ...with another guy, you know, that'd 
                         be... 
 
                                     RANDY
                         You, you never have a homosexual fantasy? 
                         Not that I have.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You haven't?

                                     RANDY
                         No, I mean... Well, they say everybody 
                         has at some point, don't they?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, I never really wanted to experiment 
                         with anything too crazy. You know... maybe 
                         just... I don't know... masturbate in front 
                         of another guy.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah well, that, that's not really ...gay, 
                         is it?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         NO, no, uh I don't think so.

                                     RANDY
                         ...Well it is a night for experimenting.
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Sure is. 

                                     RANDY
                         Okay, I'll start. 

               [some activity is going on out on the street. Someone is looking 
               at the house through night-vision scopes and taking snapshots. 
               One of those shots is of Liane talking to her son over the phone. 
               Five ATF agents are now seen looking at the house from across 
               the street]
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                         This must be the place. They've got 
                         all kinds of crazy stuff going on in 
                         there.
 
                                     ATF AGENT
                          Code 7. We believe we have found the 
                         compound. Request immediate backup. 
                         
 
                                     BARBRADY
                          Okay, so just what is going on here, 
                         people?
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                         Get down! 

                                     BARBRADY
                         What?

                                     ATF LEAD
                         It's just like we told you, officer! 
                         There's a religious cult in there that 
                         plans to commit mass suicide when the 
                         meteor shower starts. 
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         Are you sure?

                                     ATF LEAD
                         Of course we're sure!  We're the Bureau 
                         of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! It's 
                         our job to know what these fanatics 
                         do!
 
                                     BARBRADY
                         So what does the ATF do when religious 
                         fanatics are gonna commit mass suicide?
 
                         
                                     ATF LEAD
                         Oh, don't worry! We won't let that happen! 
                         Even if it means we have to kill each 
                         and every one of them.
 
               [Out front, later. ATF trucks and tanks roll in and more agents 
               arrive]
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                         What's the situation?

                                     ATF AGENT
                          Apparently, we've got at least five 
                         dozen men and women in there who intend 
                         to commit suicide when the meteor shower 
                         starts.
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                         Any luck talking to somebody in the 
                         house?
 
                                     ATF AGENT
                         We've tried calling, but there's no 
                         answer. I think we're gonna have to 
                         move in, sir.
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                         Alright. Johnson!

                                     JOHNSON
                          Sir!

                                     ATF LEAD
                         I'm sending you in. Watch your ass.
 
                         
                                     JOHNSON
                         Yes, sir! 

               [The Mackey house, living room. Johnson now looks around the 
               living room, but no one seems to be alarmed at his presence. 
               Mr. Mackey's face soon fills the view]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, come on in. Join the party, mkay? 
                          Would you like a meteor mai tai?
 
                         
                                     JOHNSON
                         Heeey, I love mai tais! 

               [The living room, at the ventilation duct. Stan leads the others 
               out]
 
                                     PIP
                         We did it! Great job, Angels!

                                     BUTTERS
                         So what's our mission now, huh Bosley? 
                         Uh wha what do you want us to do now, 
                         I wonder?
 
                                     STAN
                          Alright, Angels. Uh, your next job 
                         is to get Bosley some cookies and a 
                         TV set.
 
                                     PIP
                         What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I don't care, just hurry! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Well, hooray!

               [The deck. Gerald and Randy have left the hot tub and are getting 
               dressed. Things get awkward]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          So uh. Well. That was certainly... interesting.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          ...Yeah.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Uh, you don't regret doing it now, do 
                         you?
 
                                     RANDY
                         No no. ...Wuh what's there to regret, 
                         right? I mean..., all we did was watch 
                         each other ...masturbate. That's that's 
                         not gay or anything. We said so, right?
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Thuh that's right. Ir's just harmless 
                         experimenting.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Well, let's get back into the party 
                         and see what everyone is doing. 
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey.  Nothing changes between us, right? 
                         I mean, we're still friends.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Um... Yeah yeah sure sure. 

               [Outside, the ATF agents are armed and ready to fire. The lead 
               agent reviews the situation inside with his scopes]
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                         Damnit, where is Johnson?!

                                     ATF AGENT
                         No communication, sir. It doesn't look 
                         good for him.
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                         Those bastards!

               [Inside. Johnson is dancing away. A couple is about to leave 
               the party]
 
                                     MAN
                         Great party, Mr. Mackey. Thank you so 
                         much.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, are you sure you have to leave 
                         so early?
 
                                     WOMAN
                         We both have to be up early tomorrow, 
                         but thanks again.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mkay. Drive carefully, mkay? 

               [Outside, The couple walks a few steps before two spotlights 
               stop them in their tracks]
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                          Hold it right there! Whatever it is 
                         you are intending to do, do not do it! 
                          Your freaky religious cult will not 
                         succeed in its plan!
 
                                     MAN
                         What?

                                     ATF LEAD
                         Do not move, or we will be forced to 
                         shoot-  God damnit, who was that?!  
                         Did you see them move?!
 
                                     AGENT 1
                         ...I did.

                                     AGENT 2
                          Yah.

                                     AGENT 3
                         Yeah, they moved alright.

               [Inside, several men gather around Jimbo and Randy.]

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, I tell you what: we may not have 
                         Elway this year, but Brister won every 
                         game he started in last year.
 
                                     BURLY MAN
                         Eh that's true, but Elway was the heart 
                         of the team. Who's the leader now?
 
                         
                                     BLOND MAN
                         I think the Jets are gonna be the team 
                         to beat this year in the AFC.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Yeah. Hey uh, if you watch another guy 
                         masturbate, does that make you gay?
 
                         
                                     JIMBO
                         ...What??

                                     RANDY
                         Well I just... I have this buddy, uh, 
                         he, sat and watched another guy ...play 
                         with himself.
 
                                     BURLY MAN
                         Well... Let's go kick his ass!

                                     OTHER MEN
                         Yeah!

                                     JIMBO
                         Where is he?!

                                     RANDY
                         Oh he, he lives in, like, Florida.
 
                         
                                     BURLY MAN
                         Aw! 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Hey, Randy. What are you doing? 

                                     RANDY
                          Nothing. Uh. I'm gonna go get some 
                         chips.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Can I come with you?

                                     RANDY
                          Okay. 

               [Mackey's bedroom. Butters leads Stan inside]

                                     BUTTERS
                         Come right on in here, Bosley. Huhwell, 
                         it was my idea.  Uh I got to thinkin', 
                         "Wuh, where do people keep TV sets?" 
                         and then I remembered that lots of grownups 
                         have TV's ih in their bedrooms. So, 
                         so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom 
                         and er and sure enough, here it was.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Rad! 

                                     PIP
                         Okay, Bosley, we got you cookies and 
                         a TV set. So what's our next mission?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         There are no more missions. I have everything 
                         I want. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wwe ain't got no more missions? Uhwhawhat 
                         are we supposed to do? We're Angels. 
                         Whawhat do Angels do without a mission?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Just... play something else! God!

                                     PIP
                         Oh dear. We've angered Bosley.

               [Breaking news]

                                     REPORTER
                         Tom, I'm standing in front of a house 
                         where a religious cult is planning to 
                         commit mass suicide when the meteor 
                         shower starts.
 
                                     STAN
                         Whoa, cool!

                                     DOUGIE
                         I wanna be a reporter someday.

                                     REPORTER
                         Just moments ago, a couple emerged from 
                         the house.  According to the ATF, the 
                         couple refused to cooperate, then pulled 
                         out very big guns and started shooting 
                         everyone. The ATF had no choice but 
                         to shoot the insane couple, and now 
                         a standoff has ensued.
 
                                     PIP
                         Oh, looks like that cult is about to 
                         be blown into tiny bits.
 
                                     REPORTER
                         The ATF commander tells us that he has 
                         reason to believe there may be children 
                         inside and that they are the primary 
                         concern of all. There are choppers here 
                         along with several tanks.  The commander 
                         is very concerned about what the mood 
                         is inside.
 
                                     STAN
                          Wait a minute  Oh my God!  Dude! That's 
                         this house. They think our parents are 
                         the religious cult!
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Do you think someday I can be a reporter?
 
                         
                                     REPORTER
                         We just received a photo from the recon 
                         team of the action inside the house 
                          showing eveidence that there are indeed 
                         innocent children trapped inside. Those 
                         sick cult fanatic bastards!
 
                                     STAN
                         :	Dude!

                                     BUTTERS
                         Hey, uhour parents aren't religious 
                         fantastics. Why, we gotta tell them 
                         that they're makin' an awful mistake, 
                         don't we?
 
                                     PIP
                         Yes. Come on, Angels. Looks like we 
                         have a new mission.
 
               [The living room. Everyone is carrying on, drinking and dancing, 
               oblivious to the commotion outside. Randy sits on the sofa, his 
               hands to his eyes, his mind in turmoil. Gerald walks up to him]
 
               
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Randy, you're making me feel unimportant. 
                         Talk. Talk, damn you.
 
                                     RANDY
                         I'm just having a hard time with what 
                         we did in the hot tub.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         So, so now we can't be friends?

                                     RANDY
                         I didn't say that. I mean, I don't know, 
                         I... I just feel so strange. I know it's 
                         ridiculous, but I can't help feeling 
                         like people here know. You know? Like, 
                         even though nobody could know, 'cause 
                         we said we'd never tell anybody.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         We said we'd never tell anybody?

                                     RANDY
                          Well, of course we wouldn't.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Oh, uh I didn't realize that. 

                                     RANDY
                          Yuh... You didn't ...tell anybody, did 
                         you?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Well, uh uh a few people, yeah.

                                     RANDY
                          What?! Why the hell would you do that?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You didn't say not to tell anyone.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                          Well, of course! I thought it would 
                         be implied! When you masturbate with 
                         another guy in a hot tub, you assume 
                         that nobody is gonna tell anybody! 
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Listen to you. You're yelling at me; 
                         you've never yelled at me before.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         AAAW!! 

                                     STAN
                          Hey you guys! We've got a big problem! 
                          The ATF is outside and they think you're 
                         all a religious cult. You've gotta go 
                         talk to them. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Huh how come they're actin' that way, 
                         Stan, huh? Uh how come they're laughin' 
                         and fallin' down and such?
 
                                     STAN
                          Mom, go look outside.

                                     SHARON
                          Mommy's little boopie-kins 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh let me handle this, Stan.  Uh now 
                         l-listen up and listne good, everyone! 
                         Why, I'm awful disappointed in you drinkin' 
                         and carryin' on this way! Why you uhyou 
                         should be ashamed of yourselves! Uh 
                         if you don't get outside right now, 
                         and tell those army guys you're not 
                         religious fantastics, there's, why there's 
                         gonna be heck to pay. Uh, heck, I tell 
                         ya! 
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, we're gonna have to go tell 
                         'em ourselves. 
 
               [Outside. The boys step out, the ATF agents reload, and the door 
               closes. The spotlights come on and the commander takes up the 
               bullhorn]
 
                                     ATF LEAD
                         Lay down your weapons!

                                     STAN
                         We don't have any weapons.

                                     ATF LEAD
                         Go back inside and tell everyone that 
                         they are surrounded! Tell them to come 
                         out peacefully, and we will not shoot 
                         them. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Whoa!

                                     STAN
                         Get back inside! 

                                     ATF LEAD
                         I don't think they're gonna come out. 
                         Use the Ganz technique.
 
                                     BARBARDY
                         What's the Ganz techique?

                                     ATF LEAD
                         This is what we did in Waco.  Play really 
                         bad music really loud until it drives 
                         them nuts and makes them want to come 
                         out.  Nobody can stand this much Cher. 
                         This is her new album. If this doesn't 
                         drive them out, nothing will.
 
               [Living room, the stereo. Mr. Mackey turns on the very same song 
               and starts dancing to it]
 
                                     GARRISON
                         That's great music, Mr. Mackey. What 
                         is that?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh this is Cher. This is her new album.
 
                         
                                     GARRISON
                         Well, hell, turn it up.

               [Living room, away from the stereo. Randy is walking around. 
               Two men talk in the foreground]
 
                                     GOATEED MAN
                         Yeah, well, you know what I heard? I 
                         I heard that he's gay.
 
                                     OTHER MAN
                         Oh, is he?

                                     RANDY
                          Who?!

                                     GOATEED MAN
                         Huh?

                                     RANDY
                         Who who did you hear is, is gay?!

                                     GOATEED MAN
                         Ricky Martin, the singer.

                                     RANDY
                         Oh. 

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey, Randy, what's up?

                                     RANDY
                          What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Huh?

                                     RANDY
                         Ssh-shouldn't you be hangin' out with 
                         your wife right now?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Wulluh uh I just felt like talkin' to 
                         you.
 
                                     RANDY
                         There's nothing to talk about.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         You're having regrets, aren't you?
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         No, I-... I don't know.

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey. Talk to me.

                                     RANDY
                         No!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I thought we agreed what happened in 
                         the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship.
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Will you stop it?! I don't... I just...
 
                         
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need 
                         to talk about it, but I sure do.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Aaww!  Sharon?  Sharon, cuh can we go?
 
                         
                                     SHARON
                          Go?? The meteor shower hasn't even 
                         started yet.
 
                                     RANDY
                          Uh I know, but I want to make love 
                         to you right now. I have to make love 
                         to you right now.
 
                                     SHARON
                         Randy, relax. We don't ever get to party. 
                         Now come on! Loosen up! Experiment!
 
                         
                                     RANDY
                         Ogh, I already did.

                                     STAN
                          Dad! Dad, they shot at us.

                                     RANDY
                         Not now, Stanley. 

                                     STAN
                         Mom!

                                     SHARON
                         Whoopee! 

                                     BUTTERS
                          Hey, what are we gonna do, huh?! Ughuh 
                         uh they shot at us! They really shot 
                         at us! They, they ain't gonna stop until 
                         we're all dead, I betcha. Huh us and 
                         all our families.
 
                                     STAN
                          Get ahold of yourself, man! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         How come you slapped my face, Stan, 
                         huh? Why uhwhy on earth would you do 
                         that, anyways?
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on. We have to find out what's 
                         happening. 
 
               [Mackey's bedroom. The boys enter and check out the news again.]
 
               
                                     REPORTER
                         I'm standing now with Danny Ganz, the 
                         commander of the ATF. Commander, what 
                         is the latest?
 
                                     GANZ
                         We have not had any cooperation with 
                         the cult inside the house. They are 
                         refusing to come out, and apparently 
                         they still plan to commit mass suicide 
                         once the meteor shower starts, which 
                         should be any moment now.
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         See how reporters get to wear those 
                         cool jackets? That's why I wanna be 
                         a reporter.
 
                                     REPORTER
                         So what are your plans, commander?
 
                         
                                     GANZ
                         Right now, our plan is to burn the house 
                         down. If we set it on fire, they'll 
                         have no choice but to come out.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on 
                         fire. Uhoh, great Jesus, son of Mary, 
                         wife of Joseph, what are we gonna do, 
                         huh? Huhoh, sweet Joseph, husband of 
                         Mary but not father of sweet Jesus-
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Sh!

                                     REPORTER
                         Setting them on fire seems a little 
                         dangerous, commander.
 
                                     GANZ
                         It is, but we can't let them kill themselves.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We have to let them know that this isn't 
                         a cult party.
 
                                     PIP
                         But we can't. They'll just shoot at 
                         us again.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhuh, they're gonna burn us up and act 
                         like nothin' happened. Oh, sweet Jesus, 
                         Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph, 
                         father to Mary, well- Wait. Mary, wife 
                         uh... Oh, hold on.
 
                                     STAN
                         Come on, Angels. We've got a new mission. 
                         And this time, it's for real. 
 
               [Outside. The reporter continues]

                                     REPORTER
                         For hours now, the ATF has tried to 
                         communicate with the religious fanatics 
                         inside this house. The meteor shower 
                         is expected to begin at any moment, 
                         and so time is running out.
 
               [Inside, the party continues.]

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Hoh, look. Harold's doing it again, 
                         hm huh hnmkay? 
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         This is Jill Munroe reporting live from 
                         inside the meteor shower party.  As 
                         youu can see, this is a perfectly normal 
                         party. Nobody is killing themselves. 
                         We tried to tell ATF people, but they 
                         shot at us.  Anything else?
 
                                     STAN
                         Tell them not to burn us down.

                                     DOUGIE
                         Oh yeah. Don't burn us, please. Jill 
                         Munroe, GFN news.
 
                                     PIP
                         Now what do we do?

                                     STAN
                          Now we find a way to get this tape 
                         to the real reporters.
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Hey, I'm a real reporter.

                                     STAN
                         You're right. You are, Dougie. You did 
                         an awesome job. 
 
               [Outside, Ganz is back behind the firing line with the bullhorn]
 
               
                                     GANZ
                         Attention, cult people! Do not commit 
                         mass suicide! There are so many reasons 
                         not to kill yourselves! Flowers, for 
                         instance. And backrobs.  Alright, I'm 
                         through trying to reason with them. 
                         Send in the Negotiator! 
 
                                     REPORTER
                          Excuse me, but what proof do you have 
                         that those people inside are religious 
                         fanatics?
 
                                     GANZ
                         We know what we're doing. We did this 
                         all before in Waco.
 
                                     REPORTER
                         Uh yes, but you totally screwed up Waco. 
                         You killed a bunch of innocent people 
                         and then tried to say they killed themselves.
 
                         
                                     GANZ
                          Look. You see this? You see this?
 
                         
                                     REPORTER
                         Yes.

                                     GANZ
                         You see it? You see it? Go get it.  
                         Go get it!  Alright, let's get ready 
                         to kick some religious fanatic ass!
 
                         
               [Inside. Randy is scarfing down some nachos at the snack table, 
               and Gerald approaches him. Randy sees him and gives him the evil 
               eye, then moves to the mai tai bowl. Gerald follows. Randy glowers 
               at him]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Having a good time?

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah, swell! Could I just... have a few 
                         minutes alone?
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I'm not gonna let you change on me, 
                         Randy. Just because we shared an intimate 
                         moment in the hot tub, I won't let it 
                         change our friend-
 
                                     RANDY
                          We did not share an intimate moment, 
                         okay?! That makes it sound gay! 
 
               [Outside. The front door opens and six guests exit]

                                     GUEST
                         Good night, everyone.

                                     GANZ
                         Look out!  Ho-old your fire! Okay, hrm. 
                          People at the door! That was a warning! 
                         Go back inside and tell the others that 
                         they now have one minute to surrender! 
                         
 
               [The boys are in Mr. Mackey's bedroom. From outside, the boys 
               are seen looking out the window]
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh no, we're out of time!  Are you sure 
                         you can do this, Butters?
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wuh, no, I'm not sure. Uh-I'm not sure 
                         at all. Wha-what am I doin' again?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         We're just gonna slide you down this 
                         rope, and then you've gotta get our 
                         exclusive video to that reporter down 
                         there. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Tha-at sounds awful dangerous.

                                     STAN
                         Can you hit a target, Pip?

                                     PIP
                          I was archery-class esquire at Stratfordshire. 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         Hit something nice and solid now. 
 
                         
                                     PIP
                          I think that's got it.

                                     STAN
                         Nice job, Pip.

                                     PIP
                         Did I do a nice job? Really?

                                     STAN
                         Alright, Butters. Now it's your turn. 
                         
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Wha-ah I don't know about this, uh. 
                         I think I'll reconsider. Yep uh I think 
                         reconsiderin' is the thing to do right 
                         now.  Waaah!  Gooh. 
 
                                     STAN
                         He made it down. 

               [Outside.]

                                     GANZ
                         Alright, people, prepare to fire on 
                         my command! 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhuh, Mr. Reporter, sir?

                                     REPORTER
                         Huh?

                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhuh wuhwe've got an eyewitness exclusive 
                         video for you, sir. 
 
               [Inside, living room. Randy stands alone in the middle of the 
               crowd, despondent]
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                          Honey?

                                     RANDY
                          God, everybody's looking at me. Everybody 
                         knows.
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         Everybody doesn't know. And why are 
                         you so ashamed of me?
 
                                     RANDY
                         What's happened to you?! You've become 
                         all needy and talkative and-!
 
                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         I just want to know it meant something 
                         to you.
 
                                     RANDY
                         It didn't mean anything to me, Gerry! 
                          All we did was watch each other masturbate 
                         in the hot tub! 
 
                                     MAN IN BRIEFS
                         Aw, I was just in the hot tub. 

                                     RANDY
                         Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it 
                         would be exciting, and maybe it was, 
                         but I can't deal with your accusing 
                         stares!  We watched each other jack 
                         off in the hot tub! There! We did it! 
                         I'm not proud of it, but there it is!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh. Well, it's not like you're the only 
                         guy who's ever watched another guy masturbate; 
                         I've done it.
 
                                     NED
                         Mmm-me too. 

                                     MAN 1
                         Yeah, uh I've done it a few times.
 
                         
                                     MAN 2
                         Yep.

                                     MAN 3
                         Yup.

                                     MAN 4
                         Uh huh.

                                     MAN 5
                         Me too.

                                     MAN 6
                         Myeup, me too.

                                     MAN 7
                         Yup.

                                     JIMBO
                         Aw, hell, uh I've done it too. With 
                         Cameron here. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Uh, Juanita, could you fix some more 
                         dip, please, Juanita? 
 
                                     RANDY
                         You mean it? I'm not gay?

                                     JIMBO
                          Hwell... maybe a little. But we're all 
                         a little gay.
 
                                     RANDY
                         Oh, I feel so much better! Wow!

                                     KYLE'S FATHER
                         So we're friends again?

                                     RANDY
                         Uh, you bet we are, Gerry! I feel great! 
                         I feel like I could take on the world! 
                         Everything's gonna be okay!
 
               [Outside. The Negotiator is rolled into placed and aimed once 
               more]
 
                                     GANZ
                         Alright everyone, fire!

                                     REPORTER
                          Hold on just a minute! This is Derek 
                         Smalls reporting. We have just received 
                         an exclusive video from inside the house 
                         , proving that the people inside are 
                         not cultists after all.
 
                                     GANZ
                          Uh oh.  Uh uh attention everyone! This 
                         has only been a test. Good job, men, 
                         on this, uh, simulation.
 
                                     BLOND AGENT
                         Simulation?

                                     GANZ
                          Sh.  All is well. Do not shoot at 
 
                         
                                     PIP
                         O-hoh, I believe we've saved the day! 
                         
 
                                     GANZ
                         Woops.

                                     ATF AGENT
                         Sir, this isn't gonna look good.

                                     GANZ
                         You're right. Quick, let's get out of 
                         here! 
 
                                     DEREK
                         Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, 
                         boys.
 
                                     DOUGIE
                         Wow, you mean that?

                                     DEREK
                         Sure. Why, with your tape, I'll be able 
                         to make millions and further my career 
                         beyond my wildest dreams. 
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uhuh oh uh, uh hooray, then!

                                     PIP
                         There. Angels, I must say I think we 
                         did a smashing job.
 
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh we, we sure did. Why, we put the 
                         fear of God in those ATF sons of guns, 
                         I can tell ya.
 
                                     STAN
                         But you know, I learned something today. 
                         I used to call you guys Melvins. But 
                         you're just kids, like me. We separate 
                         you in school because you talk different 
                         and you study too hard, but we've proven 
                         tonight that we can all get along.
 
                         
                                     BUTTERS
                         Uh, so you mean we can stay friends, 
                         Stan? Wouldn't that be swell, huh?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Dude! I'm glad to see you. You would 
                         not believe the night I had.
 
                                     STAN
                         You?! You think you had a bad night?! 
                         I had to hang out all night with these 
                         friggin' Melvins!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Hoh, dude, weak.

                                     STAN
                         Super weak.

                                     KYLE
                         Come on. I'll tell you all about what 
                         happened to me. 
 
               [End of Two Guys Naked In A Hot Tub. Cher's mangled song plays.]
 
               

Two Guys Naked In A Hotub



Writers :   Trey Parker  Matt Stone  David Goodman
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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