"UP THE DOWN STEROIDS"
[Stan's backyard, day. The boys are playing the "Investigative
Reports with Bill Curtis" game when Timmy and Jimmy arrive]
Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.
Say fellas, JImmy and I were wondering
if maybe you would come and cheer for
us next Sssaturday. We're both competing
in the Special Olympics down in Denver.
The Special Olympics? What's so special
They're Olympic games for handicapped
Timmy and I are competing in a variety
Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta
get down to the training center and
start working out. Word is we have a
lot of ssstiff competition this year.
Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday,
Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped
people like this. I mean, making them
compete against each other just for
...You're an asshole, Cartman.
What? What did I do?
[Denver Athletic Club, Denver, day.]
[Inside, the athletes are working out on a variety of equipment.
Jimmy and Timmy are at a bench press. Jimmy presses weights as
Timmy spots him.]
Ni-I can'-I can't! Huff. Oh man.
Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have
some ppppretty stiff competition this
year. All of the special athletes seem
to be in tip-top condition, and I can't
even get past seven ru-reps. Huhh oh
well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p--p-pooped.
I'll see you in the locker room.
Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday.
You too, Francis.
Oh hey hey, n-Nathan.
So uh, I see you train pretty hard.
Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training
really hard, but I'm not improving fast
enough, and the Special Olympics are
a... week away.
Wellll, maybe I can- help you out. You
know, there are shortcuts.
What kind of shortcuts?
You know. Steroids.
S-s--ss-s-s-steroids? ...But aren't
Yeah, sure, but these are new. They
don't show up in our urine tests.
So uh, ha-how do they... w-wwork?
You just take one of these little blue
babies three times a day and inject
this directly into your bloodstream
twice a day before meals.
How much would this cost me?
Ahhh it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep
vice off my back and secure shipments
Well... then maybe I'll just use them
a-al-little bit. You know, as a per-formance
Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend.
Whatever you say.
[Stan's house, front yard. The boys are playing with various
toy big rigs. Stan moves a gas truck, Kenny an ambulance, Kyle
a tow truck]
YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I have the best
idea ever! I'm gonna be rich!
Dude, I was just looking at the Special
Olympics brochure, and check this shit
out: "At the end of the Special Olympics,
a Grand Champion Special Athlete is
crowned and given a cash prize of $1000"
So?? So dude, think about it. If somebody
just pretended to be mentally handicapped,
they could easily win the competition
and get the thousand bucks!
Oh no. Cartman, no!
It's flawless! I'll act like I have
a disability, and when the time come
to compete I'll kick ass against all
That's really, really terrible, dude.
Terrible?? Whatever! You guys's brains
just can't compute complex plans like
mine can! It'll work, you'll see.
Cartman! I will not stand by and let
you cheat your way to winning the Special
What are you gonna do, Kyle? Tell on
me? Then you'll be a great big no-good
double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale!
Is that really how you deal with your
problems?! Grow up, Kyle! All I have
to do is make people think I'm handicapped,
and I get a thousand dollars. It won't
be easy, but nothing worth having ever
Darrrr. Durrrr. I wanna be in the Special
Olympics. Bull's eye!
[Jimmy's house, bedroom, night. Jimmy is at his bed. He straps
on a strip of heavy rubberband, dabs his arm a few times with
alcohol, jabs the syringe into his arm and injects some liquids
steroids into his arm. He loosens the rubber band and someone
knocks on his door. He looks around and jumps off his bead]
Oh! Agh! Just, just a second!
Hang on, I'm I'm, coming.
Jim, it's your father!
I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned
s-second! Hold it.
Jimmy, were you masturbating?
Okay. Well, you have a visitor.
Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy.
I was hoping we would study for the
spelling test tomorrow.
Oh. Sure thing. Come on in.
I didn't know you had a girlfriend,
Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since
we met in Free Period last week.
I'll leave you two alone. Y-you sure
you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's
okay if you were.
Dad, Jesus C-Christ!
[A basketball court, day. The boys take turn shooting hoops,
but none of them make a basket. Cartman waddles into view in
his handicapped getup]
Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey. Hey guys, what's
going on? Drrrrrt.
God damn you!
You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics
Championship and my one thousand dollars
is just four days away. I'm going to
go sign up now.
No you're not! I read the brochure,
Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you
have to have a parent with you to sign
up for the Special Olympics.
It says right there "a parent has to
be with you to sign up," and you'll
never get your mom to agree to something
so horrible, so HA!
[Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen table paying
bills. Cartman walks in from the dining room. He puts his arms
behind his back]
Um, could I get you to do something
What's that, hon?
Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little
strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um,
moommm? Would you mind coming with me
to sign up for the Special Olympics
so I can beat all the handicapped kids
and win a thousand dollare?
Oh... Nno, sweetie. I believe those
Olympics are just for ..."special" children.
I'm not special? I thoght you always
said I was special.
You are, hon, but... I don't think that's
a very good idea.
...I'll split the money with you.
...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No.
All right, Mom, look. Here's ...the
truth. God, this is gonna be hard to
say. I think, Mom, that I've been hard
on some of the handicapped kids at school
in the past. I've sometimes looked at
people with disabilities as people God
put here on earth for my amusement,
but... now I'm starting to think...
that if I could just spend one day in
their shoes, ...if I could just see
the challenges they face every day,
...mauye I wouldn't be so cold. I just
want a chance to change. Help me change?
Oh, a-a-all right, sweetie, I, I'll
take you tomorrow.
[Denver Athletic Club, day. Jimmy and Timmy are in the locker
room getting ready to leave]
You did a great job in the 500, Timmy.
You really im-...p-p-proved.
I think I really got a shot at the gold
in the swimming competition. Coach says
I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well,
I'll see you nice and early for p-practice,
Tim-tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my
Oh, uh, so... hey Timmy... uh hu-how
about we go out for a d-d-ddoughnut
later? I'll uh, I-I'll see you later,
Look it's really none of your b...b-b...beeswax,
Because I, maybe I don't have what it
takes to win with uhwithout them!
Timmih. T... T-Timmih.
You you aren't gonna... tell anybody,
Huh! Timmih! T-Timmih!
Look, it's my body and it's my choice
what I put in it!
Timmih! Timmih, Jimmih. Arrrh Timmih!
Don't lecture me on the complexities
of sportsmanship. You know as well as
I do most of the kids in Special Olympics
aren't shooting up to compete. I'm just
trying to k-keep up.
Huh... Timmih... Timmih.
Sssso what are you gonna do now, huh?!
You gonna be a fuckin' narc and show
that bbottle to the ...coaches?! Don't
think you're any better than me, Timmy!
I'm just living in the real world!
[The Special Olympic Field, next day. Timmy is in the field ready
for the javelin throw]
Timmih! Aaagyaaaaah Timmih!
All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep
Oowrrr! Timmih! Livilaye!
Wohuhow, Jimmy, I can't believe how
much you've improved! You're bigger
and stronger than I've ever seen you!
Yeah, I've been working out... r-r-really
You keep going like this and you'll
break Special Olympics records on Saturday!
[The Special Olympic Field, registration table, moments later.
A family of three arrives]
Okay, so this is all the stuff we need
to sign Michael in?
Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down
to the next table and we'll get it all
Thank you very much.
Thank you! Good luck, Michael.
Okay, next in line please?
Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my
son up, please.
Oh, great! What's his name?
O-kay, and what's his disability?
...Um, he's retarded.
...Nno, I'm asking what his specific
condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral
Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure. Sweetie, what
is yoru condition?
...How should I know? I'm retarded.
I'll just leave that blank for now.
[The Special Olympic Field, under the bleachers. Jimmy prepares
to inject more steroids into his right arm]
Yeah, b-bigger, stronger!
[South Park Elementary, day. Timmy rolls to Mr. Mackey's office,
sighs and knocks.]
Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in. I understand
you have somethin' important you wanna
talk to me about, m'kay?
Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want
you to know that you can tell me anything,
hm'kay? And whatever's troublin' you,
I wanna try and, and help you with it.
Mhm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...You,
you have a problem?
No Timmy, Jimmy.
Haaa! Oh, oh! Jimmy.
Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about
Timmih! Timmih, uh, Jimmih. In Timmy,
Timmih Tim-oh! Tim-Timmih! Timmmih?
Jimmih! Jimmih. Jimmih Timmih Timmih?
Timmih, Timmih! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih!
Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow,
Right, Jimmy Valmer.
Uh. , Timmih Jimmih Jimmih Jim- Jimmh
Timmih Timmih Jimmih!
Right. He's Jimmy, yeah.
[Cartman's room, night. Cartman types away at his computer]
How I Will Spend My
One Thousand Dollars
By Eric Cartman
[a knock is heard at his door] Enter! [the door opens and Kyle
enters, stand there for a while, closes the door, then walks
up to Cartman. A few moments of uneasy silence follows]
Cartman, I really, really have a problem
with what you're doing. I object to
it morally, and I find it grossly offensive.
Go on, Kyle.
I know that I often have serious moral
objections to the things that you do,
but... this time I think you really
need to reconsider, because if you do
this, I believe you will go to hell.
So I feel it is my responsibility, as
your friend, to tell people what you're
doing, and to put a stop to it!
Well, Kyle, I understand where you're
coming from, and I appreciate you being
so direct. Um, the thing is, you really
have kind a warped view on morality
because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you
haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film,
The Passion but-
I didn't come here to talk about The
Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion
you would know that Hell is reserved
for the Jews, and all those who don't
accept Christ. That being the case,
it is actually me who is worried about
I came here to talk about you!
Yes. And instead you had to break through
yourself. This is really the beginning
of a whole new chapter of your life,
Kyle. Good luck.
[Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room.
A mirror sits next to him]
Come on, push it! Push it! Yeah. Nice
p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps.
Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at
the doughnut shop.
The Games are in two days, Nancy. I
can't be w-wasting my time.
I guess I didn't realize I was a waste
Oh Jeez! Are you gonna start running
your mouth off again? P-push it! Push
Jimmy, everyone's worried about you.
You seem... different.
Theh-they're all just ..jealous.
You're not the boy I fell in love with
last week during Free Period. I'm leaving
You're not leaving me! You try to leave
me and I'll kill you, bitch!
You can't treat people like this!
I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why
did you make me do it, huh?! You're
not leavin' anybody!! You just keep
your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what
What the? Jimmy, oh my God!
Stay away from me, you stupid bbbbitches!
[Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium]
Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special
Olympics! We will be holding various
throughout the day, and at the end of
it all we will have some very special
celebrity athletes here to present the
trophy for top athlete, along with the
cash prize of one thousand dollars.
Top athlete, yeah!
One thousand dollars, yeah!
So let's have all our athletes report
to their first assigned events and...
Let the Games begin!
[First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash]
Will those athletes in heat 1 of the
hundred-meter dash please report to
Track Aread B.
Okay, racers, are we ready? Take your
On your marks! Get set! Go!
Whoa. What the hell??
Great job, everyone. You three advance
to the next heat.
We did it!
Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have
to kick ass in the other events.
["Put It To The Limit" begins to play again. Cartman is in a
swimming competition now, but again,he's struggling in last place.
Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk
competition, then throws the bar down]
Yeeessss! Yes! Yes!
He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics
[Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is
[Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily]
Winner, Jimmy Valmer!
[Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs
up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears
the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track
with his pole]
All right, this one I can win! Here,
hold this! I'll show you Goddamned
[Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his
lead over the competition]
[Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to
the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Jimmy
rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his,
but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail
end of it]
[Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at
18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score]
That's another Special Olympics record!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, I did it! Yeah!
[Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set
and some of the crowd is back on the field]
Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition
has come to an end, and we have an ultimate
grand special champion for 2004! Here
to present the award are baseball legends
Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry
The two thousand and four special athlete
is... Jimmy Valmer.
Yeah! Fuck yeah! Yeah, I did it! I'm
Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know
that the Special Olympics isn't just
about winning. And so, we will now give
out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped
person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!
Ah, screw you hippie!
For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will
receive this gift certificate to Shakey's
for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!
...I could pile at Shakey's, heck.
Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
Hey! Just what the hell do you think
you're doing, Eric?!
Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.
You ffffaked being handicapped to win?!
I should k-kick your ass right here,
you lousy no-good ch-ch-ch...cheater!
Oh my God. You, you're right, Timmy.
You're totally right. Everyone, can
I have your attention, please? I'm
afraid I have to give back my medal.
The truth is, I haven't been playing
fair either. I've been using st-steroids.
I was willing to do anything to be the
best, and the steroids made me blind
to the people I was hurting. A good
friend even tried to talk me out of
it, and I wouldn't listen to him. Taking
steroids is just like pretending to
be handicapped at the Special Olympics.
Because you're taking all the fairness
out of the game. But I know now that
even if you do win on steroids, you're
really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy.
You're just a big fat p-p...p...pussy,
and if you take steroids, the only decent
thing to do is come forward and say,
"Remove me from the record books, because
I am a big, stinky p-pussy-" "-steroid-taking
jackass." That's how I feel about myself,
and why I must decline this medal and
my place in the history books. And if
you'll let me, I'll be back next year.
To compete with honor.
Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
[The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends]
Well guys, I guess now you see what
I was up to all along. I dressed up
like a handicapped person and lost the
Special Olympics on purpose, so that
Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids.
Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are
assholes! Grow up!
Up The Down Steroid
Writers : Trey Parker
Genres : Animation Comedy