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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 802


                               "UP THE DOWN STEROIDS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [Stan's backyard, day. The boys are playing the "Investigative 
               Reports with Bill Curtis" game when Timmy and Jimmy arrive]
 
               
                                     JIMMY
                         Hey fellas. 

                                     STAN
                         Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmy!!!

                                     JIMMY
                          Say fellas, JImmy and I were wondering 
                         if maybe you would come and cheer for 
                         us next Sssaturday. We're both competing 
                         in the Special Olympics down in Denver.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                          The Special Olympics? What's so special 
                         about them?
 
                                     KYLE
                         They're Olympic games for handicapped 
                         people.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Dude, what?

                                     JIMMY
                          Timmy and I are competing in a variety 
                         of events.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and 
                         Timmy on.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, that'd be cool.

                                     JIMMY
                         Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta 
                         get down to the training center and 
                         start working out. Word is we have a 
                         lot of ssstiff competition this year.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday, 
                         guys.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmy!!! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped 
                         people like this. I mean, making them 
                         compete against each other just for 
                         our amusement. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         ...You're an asshole, Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         What? What did I do?

               [Denver Athletic Club, Denver, day.]

               WELCOME

               
               SPECIAL OLYMPICS

               ATHLETES !

               [Inside, the athletes are working out on a variety of equipment. 
               Jimmy and Timmy are at a bench press. Jimmy presses weights as 
               Timmy spots him.]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         ...six!...

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                         Usss-usss-seven!

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih. Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         Usss-usss-seven! 

                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! Timmiiih!

                                     JIMMY
                          Ni-I can'-I can't!  Huff. Oh man.  
                         Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have 
                         some ppppretty stiff competition this 
                         year.  All of the special athletes seem 
                         to be in tip-top condition, and I can't 
                         even get past seven ru-reps. Huhh oh 
                         well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p--p-pooped. 
                         I'll see you in the locker room.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Otimmih. 

                                     FRANCIS
                         Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          You too, Francis. 

                                     BIG ATHLETE
                         Hey Jimmy.

                                     JIMMY
                         Oh hey hey, n-Nathan.

                                     NATHAN
                         So uh, I see you train pretty hard.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training 
                         really hard, but I'm not improving fast 
                         enough, and the Special Olympics are 
                         a... week away.
 
                                     NATHAN
                         Wellll, maybe I can- help you out. You 
                         know, there are shortcuts.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         What kind of shortcuts?

                                     NATHAN
                         You know. Steroids.

                                     JIMMY
                         S-s--ss-s-s-steroids?  ...But aren't 
                         those illegal?
 
                                     NATHAN
                         Yeah, sure, but these are new. They 
                         don't show up in our urine tests.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         So uh, ha-how do they... w-wwork?

                                     NATHAN
                          You just take one of these little blue 
                         babies  three times a day  and inject 
                         this directly into your bloodstream 
                          twice a day before meals.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         How much would this cost me?

                                     NATHAN
                         Ahhh it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep 
                         vice off my back and secure shipments 
                         from overseas.
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Well... then maybe I'll just use them 
                         a-al-little bit. You know, as a per-formance 
                         en...hancer.
 
                                     NATHAN
                         Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend. 
                          Whatever you say. 
 
               [Stan's house, front yard. The boys are playing with various 
               toy big rigs. Stan moves a gas truck, Kenny an ambulance, Kyle 
               a tow truck]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I have the best 
                         idea ever! I'm gonna be rich!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, I was just looking at the Special 
                         Olympics brochure, and check this shit 
                         out: "At the end of the Special Olympics, 
                         a Grand Champion Special Athlete is 
                         crowned and given a cash prize of $1000" 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         So?

                                     CARTMAN
                         So?? So dude, think about it. If somebody 
                         just pretended to be mentally handicapped, 
                         they could easily win the competition 
                         and get the thousand bucks!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh no. Cartman, no!

                                     CARTMAN
                         It's flawless! I'll act like I have 
                         a disability, and when the time come 
                         to compete I'll kick ass against all 
                         the handicappeds!
 
                                     STAN
                         That's really, really terrible, dude.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Terrible?? Whatever! You guys's brains 
                         just can't compute complex plans like 
                         mine can! It'll work, you'll see. 
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                          Cartman! I will not stand by and let 
                         you cheat your way to winning the Special 
                         Olympics!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Why?

                                     KYLE
                         Because! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         What are you gonna do, Kyle? Tell on 
                         me?  Then you'll be a great big no-good 
                         double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale! 
                          Is that really how you deal with your 
                         problems?! Grow up, Kyle!  All I have 
                         to do is make people think I'm handicapped, 
                         and I get a thousand dollars. It won't 
                         be easy, but nothing worth having ever 
                         is.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Darrrr. Durrrr. I wanna be in the Special 
                         Olympics.  Bull's eye!
 
               [Jimmy's house, bedroom, night. Jimmy is at his bed. He straps 
               on a strip of heavy rubberband, dabs his arm a few times with 
               alcohol, jabs the syringe into his arm and injects some liquids 
               steroids into his arm. He loosens the rubber band and someone 
               knocks on his door. He looks around and jumps off his bead]
 
               
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh! Agh! Just, just a second! 

                                     DAD
                         Jimmy?

                                     JIMMY
                          Hang on, I'm I'm, coming. 

                                     DAD
                         Jim, it's your father!

                                     JIMMY
                          I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned 
                         s-second!  Hold it. 
 
                                     DAD
                         Jimmy, were you masturbating?

                                     JIMMY
                         Nn-no, Dad.

                                     DAD
                         Okay. Well, you have a visitor. 

                                     GIRL
                         Hi Jimmy.

                                     JIMMY
                         Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy.

                                     NANCY
                         I was hoping we would study for the 
                         spelling test tomorrow.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh. Sure thing. Come on in.

                                     DAD
                         I didn't know you had a girlfriend, 
                         Jim.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since 
                         we met in Free Period last week.
 
                                     DAD
                         I'll leave you two alone.  Y-you sure 
                         you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's 
                         okay if you were.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Dad, Jesus C-Christ!

                                     DAD
                         Okay then. 

               [A basketball court, day. The boys take turn shooting hoops, 
               but none of them make a basket. Cartman waddles into view in 
               his handicapped getup]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey.  Hey guys, what's 
                         going on? Drrrrrt.
 
                                     KYLE
                          God damn you!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics 
                         Championship and my one thousand dollars 
                         is just four days away.  I'm going to 
                         go sign up now.
 
                                     KYLE
                         No you're not!  I read the brochure, 
                         Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you 
                         have to have a parent with you to sign 
                         up for the Special Olympics.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         What?? 

                                     KYLE
                         It says right there "a parent has to 
                         be with you to sign up," and you'll 
                         never get your mom to agree to something 
                         so horrible, so HA! 
 
               [Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen table paying 
               bills. Cartman walks in from the dining room. He puts his arms 
               behind his back]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Moooommmmm?

                                     LIANE
                         Yes, hon? 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Um, could I get you to do something 
                         for me?
 
                                     LIANE
                         What's that, hon?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little 
                         strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um, 
                         moommm? Would you mind coming with me 
                         to sign up for the Special Olympics 
                         so I can beat all the handicapped kids 
                         and win a thousand dollare? 
 
                                     LIANE
                         Oh... Nno, sweetie. I believe those 
                         Olympics are just for ..."special" children.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not special? I thoght you always 
                         said I was special.
 
                                     LIANE
                         You are, hon, but... I don't think that's 
                         a very good idea. 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...I'll split the money with you. 
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         ...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          All right, Mom, look. Here's ...the 
                         truth.  God, this is gonna be hard to 
                         say.  I think, Mom, that I've been hard 
                         on some of the handicapped kids at school 
                         in the past. I've sometimes looked at 
                         people with disabilities as people God 
                         put here on earth for my amusement, 
                         but... now I'm starting to think... 
                         that if I could just spend one day in 
                         their shoes, ...if I could just see 
                         the challenges they face every day, 
                         ...mauye I wouldn't be so cold. I just 
                         want a chance to change.  Help me change?
 
                         
                                     LIANE
                         Oh, a-a-all right, sweetie, I, I'll 
                         take you tomorrow.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Awesome.

               [Denver Athletic Club, day. Jimmy and Timmy are in the locker 
               room getting ready to leave]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         You did a great job in the 500, Timmy. 
                         You really im-...p-p-proved.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!!!

                                     JIMMY
                         I think I really got a shot at the gold 
                         in the swimming competition. Coach says 
                         I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well, 
                         I'll see you nice and early for p-practice, 
                         Tim-tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my 
                         bag?
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih!  Tim-Tim?

                                     JIMMY
                         Oh, uh, so... hey Timmy... uh hu-how 
                         about we go out for a d-d-ddoughnut 
                         later?  I'll uh, I-I'll see you later, 
                         Tim-Tim.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih... 

                                     JIMMY
                          Look it's really none of your b...b-b...beeswax, 
                         Timmy!
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih. Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         Because I, maybe I don't have what it 
                         takes to win with uhwithout them!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih.  T... T-Timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                         You you aren't gonna... tell anybody, 
                         are you?
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Huh! Timmih! T-Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         Look, it's my body and it's my choice 
                         what I put in it!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih! Timmih, Jimmih.  Arrrh Timmih! 
                          Jimmih!
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Don't lecture me on the complexities 
                         of sportsmanship. You know as well as 
                         I do most of the kids in Special Olympics 
                         aren't shooting up to compete. I'm just 
                         trying to k-keep up.
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Huh... Timmih...  Timmih.

                                     JIMMY
                          Sssso what are you gonna do now, huh?! 
                         You gonna be a fuckin' narc and show 
                         that bbottle to the ...coaches?!  Don't 
                         think you're any better than me, Timmy! 
                         I'm just living in the real world! 
 
                         
               [The Special Olympic Field, next day. Timmy is in the field ready 
               for the javelin throw]
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Timmih!  Aaagyaaaaah Timmih! 

                                     COACH
                         All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep 
                         it up!
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Oowrrr! Timmih! Livilaye!

                                     JIMMY
                          Yyyeess! Grrrr!

                                     COACH 2
                         Wohuhow, Jimmy, I can't believe how 
                         much you've improved! You're bigger 
                         and stronger than I've ever seen you!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                         Yeah, I've been working out... r-r-really 
                         hard.
 
                                     COACH 2
                         You keep going like this and you'll 
                         break Special Olympics records on Saturday!
 
                         
               [The Special Olympic Field, registration table, moments later. 
               A family of three arrives]
 
                                     MAN
                         Okay, so this is all the stuff we need 
                         to sign Michael in?
 
                                     VOLUNTEER
                         Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down 
                         to the next table and we'll get it all 
                         finalized.
 
                                     WOMAN
                         Thank you very much.

                                     VOLUNTEER
                         Thank you! Good luck, Michael.

                                     MICHAEL
                         Thanks.

                                     VOLUNTEER
                         Okay, next in line please?

                                     CARTMAN
                          Naaaa! Daaaaa!

                                     VOLUNTEER
                         Hello there.

                                     LIANE
                         Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my 
                         son up, please.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Naaaa!

                                     VOLUNTEER
                         Oh, great! What's his name?

                                     LIANE
                         Eric Cartman

                                     CARTMAN
                         Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa!

                                     VOLUNTEER
                         Okay. Age?

                                     LIANE
                         He's nine.

                                     VOLUNTEER
                         O-kay, and what's his disability?

                                     LIANE
                         ...Um, he's retarded. 

                                     VOLUNTEER
                         ...Nno, I'm asking what his specific 
                         condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral 
                         palsy?
 
                                     LIANE
                         Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure.  Sweetie, what 
                         is yoru condition?
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...How should I know? I'm retarded. 
                         Daaaaa!
 
                                     VOLUNTEER
                         I'll just leave that blank for now.
 
                         
               [The Special Olympic Field, under the bleachers. Jimmy prepares 
               to inject more steroids into his right arm]
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Yeah, b-bigger, stronger! 

               [South Park Elementary, day. Timmy rolls to Mr. Mackey's office, 
               sighs and knocks.]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in.  I understand 
                         you have somethin' important you wanna 
                         talk to me about, m'kay?
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmy.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want 
                         you to know that you can tell me anything, 
                         hm'kay? And whatever's troublin' you, 
                         I wanna try and, and help you with it.
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          N, Timmy.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mhm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...You, 
                         you have a problem?
 
                                     TIMMY
                          No Timmy, Jimmy.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Ji-Jimmy?

                                     TIMMY
                          Haaa!  Oh, oh!  Jimmy.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about 
                         him?
 
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih! Timmih, uh, Jimmih.  In Timmy, 
                         Timmih Tim-oh! Tim-Timmih!  Timmmih? 
                         Jimmih! Jimmih.  Jimmih Timmih Timmih? 
                         Timmih, Timmih! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih! 
                         Timmih!  Timmih!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow, 
                         Timmy.
 
                                     TIMMY
                         Argh. Jimmy...

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Right, Jimmy Valmer.

                                     TIMMY
                         Uh. , Timmih Jimmih Jimmih Jim-  Jimmh 
                         Timmih Timmih Jimmih!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Right. He's Jimmy, yeah.

                                     TIMMY
                          HAAAAAAAH!

               [Cartman's room, night. Cartman types away at his computer]
 
               
                                     CARTMAN
                         
               How I Will Spend My

               One Thousand Dollars

               By Eric Cartman

               [a knock is heard at his door] Enter! [the door opens and Kyle 
               enters, stand there for a while, closes the door, then walks 
               up to Cartman. A few moments of uneasy silence follows]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, I really, really have a problem 
                         with what you're doing. I object to 
                         it morally, and I find it grossly offensive. 
                         
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Go on, Kyle.

                                     KYLE
                         I know that I often have serious moral 
                         objections to the things that you do, 
                         but... this time I think you really 
                         need to reconsider, because if you do 
                         this, I believe you will go to hell. 
                         So I feel it is my responsibility, as 
                         your friend, to tell people what you're 
                         doing, and to put a stop to it!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, Kyle, I understand where you're 
                         coming from, and I appreciate you being 
                         so direct. Um, the thing is, you really 
                         have kind a warped view on morality 
                         because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you 
                         haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film, 
                         The Passion but-
 
                                     KYLE
                         I didn't come here to talk about The 
                         Passion, Cartman!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion 
                         you would know that Hell is reserved 
                         for the Jews, and all those who don't 
                         accept Christ. That being the case, 
                         it is actually me who is worried about 
                         your soul.
 
                                     KYLE
                         I came here to talk about you!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes.  And instead you had to break through 
                         yourself. This is really the beginning 
                         of a whole new chapter of your life, 
                         Kyle.  Good luck. 
 
               [Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room. 
               A mirror sits next to him]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Come on, push it! Push it!  Yeah. Nice 
                         p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps. 
 
                                     NANCY
                         Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at 
                         the doughnut shop.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         The Games are in two days, Nancy. I 
                         can't be w-wasting my time.
 
                                     NANCY
                         I guess I didn't realize I was a waste 
                         of time.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Oh Jeez!  Are you gonna start running 
                         your mouth off again?  P-push it! Push 
                         it!!
 
                                     NANCY
                         Jimmy, everyone's worried about you. 
                         You seem... different.
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Theh-they're all just ..jealous.

                                     NANCY
                         You're not the boy I fell in love with 
                         last week during Free Period. I'm leaving 
                         you.
 
                                     JIMMY
                          You're not leaving me! You try to leave 
                         me and I'll kill you, bitch!
 
                                     NANCY
                         You can't treat people like this!

                                     JIMMY
                          I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why 
                         did you make me do it, huh?!  You're 
                         not leavin' anybody!! You just keep 
                         your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what 
                         you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told! 
 
                                     MOM
                         What the?  Jimmy, oh my God!

                                     JIMMY
                          Stay away from me, you stupid bbbbitches! 
                          No! God! 
 
               [Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium]

                                     HOST
                         Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special 
                         Olympics!  We will be holding various 
                         throughout the day, and at the end of 
                         it all we will have some very special 
                         celebrity athletes here to present the 
                         trophy for top athlete, along with the 
                         cash prize of one thousand dollars.
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          Top athlete, yeah!

                                     CARTMAN
                         One thousand dollars, yeah!

                                     HOST
                         So let's have all our athletes report 
                         to their first assigned events and... 
                         Let the Games begin! 
 
               [First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Will those athletes in heat 1 of the 
                         hundred-meter dash please report to 
                         Track Aread B.
 
                                     VOLUNTEER 2
                         Okay, racers, are we ready?  Take your 
                         marks.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Daaaa! Daaaa!

                                     VOLUNTEER 2
                         On your marks! Get set! Go! 

                                     CARTMAN
                         Whoa. What the hell?? 

                                     VOLUNTEER 2
                         Great job, everyone.  You three advance 
                         to the next heat. 
 
                                     WINNER
                         All right!

                                     BLOND BOY
                         Good Job.

                                     BLONDE GIRL
                         We did it!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have 
                         to kick ass in the other events.
 
               ["Put It To The Limit" begins to play again. Cartman is in a 
               swimming competition now, but again,he's struggling in last place. 
               Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk 
               competition, then throws the bar down]
 
                                     JIMMY
                         Yeeessss!  Yes! Yes!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics 
                         record, folks! 
 
               [Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is 
               again last]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          God-damnit!!

               [Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily]

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Winner, Jimmy Valmer! 

               [Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs 
               up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears 
               the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track 
               with his pole]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         All right, this one I can win!  Here, 
                         hold this!  I'll show you Goddamned 
                         retards! 
 
               [Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his 
               lead over the competition]
 
               [Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to 
               the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Jimmy 
               rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his, 
               but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail 
               end of it]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         God-damnit!!

               [Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at 
               18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         That's another Special Olympics record!
 
                         
                                     JIMMY
                          Yeah! Yeah!  Yeah, I did it!  Yeah! 
                         Yeah!
 
               [Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set 
               and some of the crowd is back on the field]
 
                                     HOST
                         Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition 
                         has come to an end, and we have an ultimate 
                         grand special champion for 2004! Here 
                         to present the award are baseball legends 
                         Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry 
                         Bonds. 
 
                                     BONDS
                         The two thousand and four special athlete 
                         is... Jimmy Valmer.
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Yeah! Fuck yeah!  Yeah, I did it! I'm 
                         the bbub-best! 
 
                                     HOST
                         Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know 
                         that the Special Olympics isn't just 
                         about winning. And so, we will now give 
                         out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped 
                         person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ah, screw you hippie!

                                     HOST
                         For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will 
                         receive this gift certificate to Shakey's 
                         for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck.  
                         Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
 
                                     JIMMY
                          Hey! Just what the hell do you think 
                         you're doing, Eric?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.

                                     JIMMY
                         You ffffaked being handicapped to win?! 
                          I should k-kick your ass right here, 
                         you lousy no-good ch-ch-ch...cheater!
 
                         
                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                         What?

                                     TIMMY
                          Timmih!

                                     JIMMY
                          Oh my God. You, you're right, Timmy. 
                         You're totally right.  Everyone, can 
                         I have your attention, please?  I'm 
                         afraid I have to give back my medal. 
                         The truth is, I haven't been playing 
                         fair either. I've been using st-steroids. 
                         I was willing to do anything to be the 
                         best, and the steroids made me blind 
                         to the people I was hurting.  A good 
                         friend even tried to talk me out of 
                         it, and I wouldn't listen to him.  Taking 
                         steroids is just like pretending to 
                         be handicapped at the Special Olympics. 
                          Because you're taking all the fairness 
                         out of the game. But I know now that 
                         even if you do win on steroids, you're 
                         really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. 
                         You're just a  big fat p-p...p...pussy, 
                         and if you take steroids, the only decent 
                         thing to do is come forward and say, 
                          "Remove me from the record books, because 
                         I am a big, stinky p-pussy-"  "-steroid-taking 
                         jackass."  That's how I feel about myself, 
                         and why I must decline this medal and 
                         my place in the history books. And if 
                         you'll let me, I'll be back next year. 
                         To compete with honor. 
 
                                     MCGUIRE
                         Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
 
                         
               [The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends]

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well guys, I guess now you see what 
                         I was up to all along. I dressed up 
                         like a handicapped person and lost the 
                         Special Olympics on purpose, so that 
                         Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. 
                          Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are 
                         assholes!  Grow up! 
 
               THE END

Up The Down Steroid



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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