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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 103

                                        "VOLCANO"

                                            By

                                 Matt Stone & Trey Parker

                

               EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

               Cartman is standing outside by his mother with a bag of 
               camping gear at his side.

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Now you be careful, Eric. The woods 
                         can be very dangerous.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Okay, mom.

               A large truck pulls up, driven by Uncle Jimbo in hunting 
               clothes. Ned is in the passenger seat, and Stan, Kyle and 
               Kenny are in the back seat.

                                     KYLE
                         Ready to go hunting, Cartman?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, my uncle Jimbo says we got to 
                         get up there early! Right, Uncle 
                         Jimbo?

                                     JIMBO
                         That's right, Stanley, animals are 
                         much easier to shoot in the morning!

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Here, hon, I packed you some cheesy 
                         poofs and Happy Tarts.

               She hands him a brown bag. Cartman gets in the back seat 
               with the other boys.

                                     JIMBO
                         Don't worry, Ms. Cartman, we'll take 
                         good care of him. I brought my old 
                         war buddy Ned to keep things safe.

                                     NED
                         Hello Mrs. Cartman, how are you today?

               Ned waves from the passenger seat. He only has one arm. Jimbo 
               and Ned exchange knowing glances. Cartman gets in the back 
               seat with the other boys.

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         Be sure to use lots of bug spray. 
                         And if you have to poo-poo, don't 
                         wipe with poison ivy.

               The boys all laugh at Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dude, that's SICK, mom!

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         And I know it can get scary up in 
                         those woods... But just remember 
                         mommy's not far away.

               The boys all laugh again.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (To Uncle Jimbo)
                         Drive! Drive!

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         You give your mommy a kissy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Drive the car damnit drive.

               Jimbo drives away.

               INT. CAR - DAY

               Cartman looks back to watch his mom waving goodbye.

                                     KYLE
                              (Ms. Cartman's voice)
                         Don't get scared up in the mountains, 
                         Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Shut up! I'm not scared of nothing!

                                     STAN
                         Maybe your mom can give me a kiss 
                         too Cartman.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph mphr!

               Jimbo Laughs.

                                     JIMBO
                         Ho Ho, that's disgusting!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

               Cartman slugs Kenny. The two boys fight in the back seat.

                                     JIMBO
                         That's the spirit, boys! Let's get 
                         that testosterone flowing!!

               Cartman and Kenny pound the shit out of each other.

                                     JIMBO
                         Now boys, boys, I need to get serious 
                         for a minute. I want you to understand 
                         a few basic rules of hunting since 
                         this is your first time.

               The boys listen attentively.

                                     JIMBO
                         First of all, don't ever walk with 
                         your gun unless the safety's on. 
                         Second, don't shoot anything that 
                         looks human, and third never spill 
                         your beer in the bullet chamber.

                                     STAN
                         Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.

                                     JIMBO
                         You what?

                                     NED
                         Oh yeah, that's right, I don't think 
                         8 year old kids drink beer.

                                     KYLE
                         I like chocolate milk!

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, we'll be doing plenty of 
                         drinking on this trip. After all, 
                         hunting sober is like fishing sober.
                         It sure will be nice to get out of 
                         the city for a while. Away from 
                         civilization.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY

               The car drives out of the town, and up a little road that 
               goes up a mountain. The trip is ridiculously short.

               EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS, JUST OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK - DAY

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, here we are!

               Ned's truck comes to a stop in a large clearing amidst a big 
               forest of pine trees.

               Ned and Jimbo and the four kids pile out of the car.

                                     JIMBO
                         Okay, each of you young'ins take a 
                         gun, a beer and some smokes.

               The kids divide up the supplies.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, I didn't get a gun!

               Jimbo hands Cartman an Ak-47.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet. This is like the gun I used 
                         in Nam.

                                     STAN
                         You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!

                                     NED
                         Were you stationed in DaNang?

                                     STAN
                         Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. 
                         You can't believe anything he says.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! I'll blow your friggin' head 
                         off!

               Cartman points his gun at Stan.

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey, look out son, that's dangerous! 
                         You're gonna spill your beer!

               EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS, JUST OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK - DAY

               The boys follow Jimbo and Ned, each holding rifles that are 
               WAY to big for them, a can of beer and a cigarette.

                                     STAN
                         My Uncle Jimbo says that after this, 
                         he's gonna take me hunting in Africa!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, that'd be cool!

                                     CARTMAN
                         My mom says there's a lot of black 
                         people in Africa.

                                     JIMBO
                         Boys! Lookie there!

               A cute, fuzzy little black bear sits in a nearby clearing, 
               licking its paws.

                                     JIMBO
                         That there's a Rocky Mountain Black 
                         Bear. One of the few remaining of 
                         its kind. Isn't it beautiful?

               The bear just sits there and blinks.

                                     JIMBO
                         My God it's coming right for us!!!

               Jimbo whips out his huge rifle and shoots the bear dead.

               Stan can't believe his eyes.

                                     STAN
                         Hey! It wasn't coming right for us! 
                         It was just sitting there!

                                     JIMBO
                         SHHH! Not so loud!! Now that there's 
                         just a technicality.

                                     KYLE
                         What d'ya mean?

                                     JIMBO
                         You see boys, the Democrats have 
                         passed a lot of laws trying to stop 
                         us from hunting.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Democrats piss me off!

                                     JIMBO
                         They say we can't shoot certain 
                         animals anymore unless they're posing 
                         an immediate threat. Therefore, before 
                         we shoot something, we have to say; 
                         "It's coming right for us!"

                                     STAN
                         Wow, you're smart, Uncle Jimbo!

                                     NED
                              (pointing)
                         Jimbo LOOK!

               A beautiful little doe comes over the hill.

                                     JIMBO
                         Oh, it's a deer. Looks like about a 
                         46 gauge, Ned.

               Ned pulls out a HUGE bazooka and hands it to Jimbo like a 
               golf caddy. Jimbo props the bazooka on his shoulder. The 
               boys and Ned jump on the ground commando style.

                                     JIMBO
                         IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!!!

               The beautiful little doe looks on peacefully right where she 
               is.

               BOOM!!! Jimbo fires the bazooka at the doe and totally 
               obliterates it into a million bloody little pieces.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kick ass!

               But Stan looks sad.

                                     JIMBO
                         Did ya see that? I was imperiled by 
                         that ferocious charging buck!

                                     NED
                         Rabbit, rabbit five o'clock!!!

               Over the ridge is a little bunny rabbit.

                                     JIMBO
                         Let's move! MOVE!!!

               Jimbo hits the ground and starts crawling on his belly. All 
               the boys follow suit.

                                     STAN
                         Is this hunting?

                                     KYLE
                         I guess so.

               The group crawls onward, holding their guns out in front of 
               them.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, dude... I'm starting to have 
                         flashbacks!

                                     KYLE
                         What?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Danforth! Pull up flank, look out 
                         for Charlies up in the trees!

               The group scampers up to the top of ridge. Ned hands Stan a 
               big-ass double-barrel shotgun.

                                     JIMBO
                         This one's yours, Stan!

               Stan uncomfortably takes the gun, hitches it up on his 
               shoulders and looks over the barrel. The little cute bunny 
               looks up, sees Stan and smiles. Stan gulps.

                                     JIMBO
                         'It's comin' right for us'!

                                     NED
                         "It's coming right for us"!

               Stan takes a deep breath and is about to pull the trigger 
               when the bunny gives him just the cutest little twitch of 
               his cute little nose.

                                     KYLE
                         Shoot it, Stan!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I got your back, soldier!

               Stan looks over the barrel again, takes another deep breath...

                                     STAN
                         I can't...

               Stan lowers the gun. The little rabbit dashes off into the 
               woods.

                                     JIMBO
                         What the-- What's wrong with you?!

                                     STAN
                         I don't wanna shoot the bunny.

                                     JIMBO
                              (shocked)
                         What the hell are you talking about, 
                         you don't want to shoot the bunny? 
                         You're babbling, you're not making 
                         any sense! You're hysterical!

                                     STAN
                         I'm not hysterical. I just don't 
                         want to shoot the bunny.

                                     JIMBO
                         No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree 
                         hugger!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock 
                         if you can't shoot anything!

                                     STAN
                         I can shoot you fat ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I can shoot you too.

                                     STAN
                         I'll kill you!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'll fill you full of lead.

               Establish shot of volcano rumbling.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey, what's that????

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY

               Establishing shot of the town. Right next to Tom's Rhinoplasty 
               is a small brick building with antenna on its roof and a 
               sign the reads "South Park Center for Seismic Activity."

               INT. GEOLOGIST'S OFFICE

               A very average looking GEOLOGIST is sitting at the seismograph 
               and just staring at it.

               For a long time he just sits there and stares at the little 
               needle drawing a straight line.

               Suddenly, the needle starts to move! The Geologist perks up 
               and moves in closer.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         What the heck is this?

               The needle moves frantically. The Geologist grabs the 
               telephone and dials a number.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Yeah, Frank? It's uh, Randy. Uh-huh... 
                         Good. Yeah, listen, the, uh, the 
                         little needle's moving.

               Pause.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Yeah, it's going back and forth really 
                         fast. What does that mean?

               Pause.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Uh-huh... Uh-huh..., let me check...

               The Geologist wheels back in his chair and looks at the peak 
               of Mt. Evanston which is smoking.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Yeah, it's smoking... Uh-huh... Oh 
                         really? Really?

               ZOOM IN on the Geologist.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Oh my God...... A volcano!

               He drinks some coffee and sighs.

                                    COMMERCIAL BREAK I

                                          ACT II

               EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT

               The boys and Jimbo and Ned sit around a sputtering little 
               fire trying to cook wienies.

                                     CARTMAN
                         My wienies won't cook!

                                     NED
                         This wood won't burn.

               Jimbo takes a huge swig of Gin.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well Ned, looks like we'll have to 
                         use the ol' Indian fire trick.

                                     NED
                         Yepper!

               Ned jumps up and grabs a huge can of gasoline.

               Ned douses the fire with gas. The flames explode about 50 
               feet high! The fire travels into the can of gas and Ned 
               suddenly catches on fire.

                                     NED
                         AAAGGGHHH!!!

                                     JIMBO
                              (Laughing)
                         HA, HA! HEY, STOP, DROP AND ROLL, 
                         NED!! HA, HA!!

               Ned drops the gas can as he drops to the ground. Both the 
               gas and fire flow underneath Jimbo's van, igniting it into a 
               blazing inferno.

               KABLAM! Jimbo's van explodes in a huge fireball.

                                     STAN & KYLE
                         Woa!

                                     JIMBO
                         Godammit Ned, I just got that van! 
                         How the hell are we supposed to get 
                         home?

               But Ned is busy rolling around on the ground, trying to stop 
               himself from burning.

                                     NED
                         Oh it hurts! It hurts!

               Cartman puts his wienie on a stick over Ned's burning body.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys! This works pretty good 
                         right now!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING

               The sun rises in South Park. Another day has begun.

               INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

               Chef is sitting in the Mayor's office having a meeting.

                                     CHEF
                         But you see, Mr. Mayor, you can't 
                         stop serving Salisbury Steak in our 
                         public schools... What's next? Meat 
                         Loaf?

                                     MAYOR
                         We are quite aware of your concerns, 
                         Chef, but-

               A buzzer on the Mayor's desk sounds.

                                     VOICE
                         Mayor, the Geologist is here to see 
                         you.

                                     MAYOR
                         My Geologist? Now? Tell him the 
                         infection is fine and I don't need 
                         another check up.

                                     VOICE
                         No, Mayor, that's a GYNECOLOGIST. A 
                         GEOLOGIST studies the Earth.

               The Mayor thinks long and hard.

                                     MAYOR
                         Don't you think I know that?! How 
                         dare you insult my intellect! I went 
                         to Princeton for God's sake! You get 
                         out of my office!!

                                     VOICE
                         I'm not in your office Mayor, I'm 
                         talking to you through a speaker.

                                     MAYOR
                         Just send in the Geomotrist!

                                     VOICE
                         Geologist.

                                     MAYOR
                         YOU ARE FIRED BUDDY!

                                     VOICE
                         Thank you, Mayor. It's been great 
                         working for you.

               Suddenly, the Geologist bursts into the room.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Mayor! We have got A VERY BIG PROBLEM! 
                         Mount Evanston is about to erupt!

                                     MAYOR
                         What does this mean to the town?

               The Geologist takes out another chart. It is very simple.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Well this graph shows everything 
                         from normal to bad. Right now, South 
                         Park is here:

               He points with the pointer to 'Totally Screwed'. The Mayor 
               stands up.

                                     MAYOR
                         My God...

                                     CHEF
                         Mayor! Some of the school children 
                         are up camping on that mountain RIGHT 
                         NOW!

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh, oh, this IS Big!
                              (Through intercom)
                         Johnson! Johnson are you there?!

                                     VOICE
                         Uh, you just fired Johnson, Mayor. 
                         I'm his replacement, Ted.

                                     MAYOR
                         Ted, we have got a MAJOR crisis here! 
                         I want you to get on the phone, and 
                         call Inside Edition, Rescue 911, oh 
                         and Entertainment tonight. And you 
                         better get my stylist on the phone, 
                         too. Don't worry, things are under 
                         control.

               Chef and the Geologist blink at each other.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

               Establishing shot of the moon over the starry, South Park 
               sky.

               EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT

               The boys listen intently to Jimbo as he finishes his ghost 
               story.

                                     JIMBO
                         And then Ned picked up the grenade 
                         and BLOOM!! Blasted his arm clear 
                         off!

               The boys all shudder with fear. Ned smiles.

                                     JIMBO
                         We spent three hours looking for 
                         that damn arm. But it was never to 
                         be found! Some say it's still crawling 
                         around to this day!

               Suddenly, Ned grabs Cartman with his prosthetic arm. Cartman 
               screams in horror.

                                     NED
                         RAAAAAR!!!

               Jimbo, Ned and the boys all laugh.

                                     JIMBO
                         Ha, ha! Got'chya!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Obviously scared)
                         Huh-huh... That's not scary...

                                     KYLE
                         You were scared, Cartman! You almost 
                         peed your pants!

                                     CARTMAN
                         SHUT UP! I DIDN'T PEE MY PANTS!!!!

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey Ned, hand me that gin.

               Ned gladly hands it over.

                                     JIMBO
                         You boys want to tie one on?

                                     STAN
                         No, no thanks, that stuff tastes 
                         like pee.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, Cartman's pee.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, you would taste my pee.

               The boys all shake their heads.

                                     JIMBO
                         What the hell's wrong with you? Can't 
                         you handle a little alcohol?

               Kenny grabs another can of gas and starts chugging it.

                                     JIMBO
                         Christ! Look at the little bastard 
                         go!

               Kenny finishes the can.

                                     JIMBO
                         Now you see that Stan? Now now that 
                         is a dirty little bastard.

                                     STAN
                         Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too.

               Stan slouches his shoulders and sulks.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey you guys... I know a scary story.

                                     KYLE
                         Shut up, Cartman, you can't scare 
                         anybody.

               Cartman takes the flashlight and shines it under his face.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh yeah? Have you guys ever heard 
                         of... Scuzzlebutt?

                                     STAN
                         Whattlebutt?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives 
                         up on this very mountain and kills 
                         anybody who dares climb to the top.

                                     STAN
                         Why?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Because it loves the taste of blood! 
                         And likes to add pieces to its 
                         deformed body!

               The boys gather in around Cartman, entranced.

                                     KYLE
                         Deformed how?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, on his left arm, instead of a 
                         hand he has...

                                     STAN
                         A hook!

                                     KYLE
                         A knife!

                                     CARTMAN
                         No!
                              (Pause)
                         ...A piece of celery.

                                     STAN
                         Celery?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes, and he walks with a limp, because 
                         one of his legs is missing... And 
                         where his leg should be, there's 
                         nothing but... PATRICK DUFFY!

               The boys look utterly confused.

                                     KYLE
                         Patrick Duffy?! Dammit, Cartman, 
                         that's not scary!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What do you mean? Have you ever seen 
                         'Step by Step'?!

               The boys all think.

                                     CARTMAN
                         So he lives alone on this mountain, 
                         and weaves baskets and other assorted 
                         crafts. They say that on quiet nights, 
                         you can hear him weaving his 
                         baskets... Ka shink... Ka-shink... 
                         Ka-shink.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, you suck at telling scary 
                         stories!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, gimme that flashlight!

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rmm rmph!

               Suddenly, the ground starts to rumble again. The boys all 
               look around, scared.

                                     KYLE
                         What is that?

                                     STAN
                              (Laughing)
                         Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to 
                         weave us into wicker baskets!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Suddenly scared)
                         HEY! It might be!!

                                     KYLE
                         Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with 
                         his celery hand.

               Stan and Kyle laugh.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Screw you guys!

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey Ned, Why don't you whip out the 
                         old cancer Kazoo, let's do a little 
                         song.

                                     NED
                         Koom by ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Koom 
                         by ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Koom by 
                         ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Oh Lord Koom 
                         by ya. Someone's crying my Lord Koom 
                         by ya.

                                     CARTMAN
                         They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary 
                         huh, Let's see how they like it when 
                         they actually see Scuzzlebutt. I'll 
                         scare the hell out of 'em tomorrow.

                                     NED
                         Oh Lord Koom by ya. Someone's crying 
                         my Lord Koom by ya......

               EXT. CAMPSITE - DAY

               Stan is snoozing away in his sleeping bag.

                                     KYLE
                         Stan! Stan wake up!

                                     STAN
                              (Groggily)
                         What, dude?

                                     KYLE
                         I don't know where Cartman is. I 
                         think something took him away!

                                     STAN
                         Well, where's my Uncle Jimbo and 
                         Ned?

                                     KYLE
                         They're out fishing with Kenny.

                                     STAN
                              (Hurt)
                         With Kenny? But, but this was supposed 
                         to MY camping trip... Why do they 
                         like Kenny so much? Doesn't he like 
                         me anymore?

                                     KYLE
                         Well Stan, you want to know what I 
                         think?

                                     STAN
                         What?

               Kyle rips a fart.

               EXT. LAKE - DAY

               Jimbo, Ned and Kenny are on a little canoe on the lake.

               Oddly, they have no fishing poles.

                                     JIMBO
                         What a beautiful morning for fishing. 
                         There's one!! There's a fish right 
                         there!!

               Jimbo pulls the pin out of a grenade and throws it in the 
               water. BLOOOOMM!!!!! Water explodes, and the dead fish goes 
               flying into the air.

                                     NED
                         Got it!!

               Kenny grabs a grenade and tosses it toward the shore.

               BOOOM!!! A few fish go flying.

                                     JIMBO
                         Great instincts, boy!

               Stan runs up to the shore and calls out to the canoe.

                                     STAN
                         Uncle Jimbo! Cartman's missing!

                                     JIMBO
                         Who, the fat kid?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah.

                                     JIMBO
                         Oh hell, I guess we better go look 
                         for him. Ned, we gotta cut it short. 
                         Fire up the 12-20.

               Ned presses a button on the huge rocket mounted on the side 
               of the boat.

               FWOOM!!

               The rocket fires deep into the water, a large surge follows, 
               and then hundreds of dead fish float to the surface.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, I think that's about the limit 
                         for our fishing permit.

               Jimbo starts to row ashore.

                                     NED
                         Man, it smells like dead fish here.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm rmph!

               Jimbo and Ned laugh hysterically.

                                     NED
                         Oh, man! That is NASTY!!

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah! I don't think I've ever seen a 
                         kid as cool as you, Kenny. I'm making 
                         you my honorary Nephew!

                                     KENNY
                         Mrph.

               Stan frowns.

                                   COMMERCIAL BREAK II

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY

               The whole city has turned out to see the spectacle of news 
               crews that has overtaken South Park.

                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         The people of South Park are humble 
                         and friendly. But now, a ticking 
                         time bomb of hot lava waits to engulf 
                         these people and end their miserable 
                         lives with one last fleeting moment 
                         of excruciatingly painful, burning 
                         agony.

               The camera pans onto the townspeople who all cheer and wave 
               at the camera happily. All trying to be seen on television.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         Hey, I'm on TV, I'm on TV!!!

                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         Mayor, what are you doing to prepare 
                         for this inevitable catastrophe?

                                     MAYOR
                         All we know right now is that some 
                         of our children are camping on that 
                         mountain, and. I'm sorry can I start 
                         over?

                                     NEWS ANCHOR
                         Huh?

                                     MAYOR
                         Well you can edit this, right? Ready? 
                         3,2,1 - "All we know right now is 
                         that some of our children are up 
                         camping on that mountain. We can't 
                         do anything until we get them."

               The Mayor stands proudly in front of the townspeople.

                                     MAYOR
                         Okay people! Let's go get those kids!

               The rescue crew, compiled of Chef, Barbrady, Garrison and 
               several other townspeople, look extremely concerned for their 
               lives.

                                     CHEF
                         C'mon everybody, You got to help the 
                         children!

               EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY

               Ned, Jimbo, Stan, Kyle and Kenny traipsing through the 
               mountains.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, he couldn't have gone far... 
                         Unless something drug him off...

               Stan and Kyle look at each other.

                                     NED
                         There's not many animals out today 
                         Jimbo.

                                     JIMBO
                         Yeah, it's almost like something 
                         funny's going on...

               The ground rumbles a little bit.

                                     JIMBO
                         Christ Ned, what'd you have for 
                         breakfast?

                                     NED
                         I don't know man, I've got some bad 
                         gas.

                                     JIMBO
                         Wait, There's a ram! It's coming 
                         right for us!

               Jimbo uses an M-16 automatic and blows holes through the ram 
               like swiss cheese. Kenny stands next to Jimbo and fires some 
               last remaining shots.

                                     JIMBO
                         Nice shooting, Kenny! Here, you need 
                         a bigger gun!

               Jimbo grabs the large rifle out of Stan's hands, then grabs 
               the smaller rifle out of Kenny's hands and then switches 
               them. Stan fumes.

                                     KYLE
                         Look!

               On top of the ridge, they see a strange creature moving. It 
               has a pot for a head and two huge branches for arms.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I am Scuzzlebutt! Lord of the 
                         Mountains! Behold my Patrick Duffy 
                         leg.

                                     NED
                         What is it?

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't 
                         lying!

                                     JIMBO
                         Holy crow! We could make a MINT 
                         killing this thing!!

                                     NED
                         We'll be on the cover of Guns and 
                         Ammo!

                                     JIMBO
                         This calls for some HJ-14!

               Jimbo reaches into his backpack.

               EXT. RIDGE - DAY

               Cartman jumps up and down and makes wild noises.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh-huh... Those guys are totally 
                         scared.

               EXT. FOREST - DAY

               Jimbo has two huge rockets strapped onto his shoulders. He 
               grabs hold of a chord--

                                     JIMBO
                         Fire in the hole!

               ZBAM!! Jimbo pulls the chord and the rockets fire towards 
               Cartman.

               Cartman quickly stops laughing and drops his smile.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Holy crap!!!

               Cartman jumps to the side. The rockets just miss him and 
               explode into the rocks with an enormous boom.

                                     JIMBO
                         Dammit, I think I missed!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What the hell is wrong with you 
                         people?!

                                     JIMBO
                         Come on, let's move! MOVE!!

               Cartman tries to pull his costume off, but it's stuck.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey wait. Arhhhhhhh!!!

               The group dashes up the ridge. Cartman yelps and runs away.

               EXT. BASE CAMP - DAY

               The townspeople have set up a large camp at the base of Mt. 
               Evanston. Everyone is gathered around the Mayor, ad libbing 
               shouts and concerns.

                                     MAYOR
                              (Seeing she's on camera)
                         Is it on? OK, Okay, people! Form 
                         groups and search the mountain! Report 
                         back here every hour! You got that?

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Mayor! I might have an idea!

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh, what?

               The geologist takes out a huge map.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         If we can dig a very large trench, 
                         we can divert the lava into a Canyon! 
                         And then it would bypass South Park 
                         pretty much completely!

                                     MAYOR
                         And... that would be good, right?

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         I'm pretty sure!

                                     MAYOR
                         Well what are we waiting for! Okay, 
                         people, change of plans! Half of you 
                         grab shovels!

               EXT. FOREST - DAY

               Jimbo and the kids traipse through the woods.

                                     JIMBO
                         These look like his tracks! He must 
                         have gone this way! Ned!

               Ned joins Jimbo's side.

                                     JIMBO
                         Prepare some HK-12 and some 
                         plasticine.

               Ned salutes.

                                     JIMBO
                         I'll bet that sucker's headed for a 
                         higher elevation. The higher up it-- 
                         BIRD!!

               Jimbo shoots a bird out of the sky.

                                     JIMBO
                         The higher up it goes, the better it 
                         can breathe.

                                     KYLE
                         Look up there!

               Everybody looks up to where a little figure is standing near 
               a cave. In the EXTREMELY FAR DISTANCE we can hear a voice.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Very faint)
                         You guys, it's just me.

                                     JIMBO
                         Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt?

                                     STAN
                         Does it have Patrick Duffy for a 
                         leg?

                                     JIMBO
                         Well I can't tell. Let's kill it.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I've got to get out of this stupid 
                         costume.

                                     JIMBO
                         Kenny, you take the front.

               Stan comes to the front with a huge shotgun.

                                     STAN
                         No, I can do it, Uncle Jimbo. I wanna 
                         bag that animal!

                                     JIMBO
                         That's the spirit, kiddo! Let's hunt!

               Everybody rushes towards Cartman.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, you guys I was just kidding.

               EXT. RESCUE BASE CAMP - DAY

               The trench is already huge and deep. Everyone works on it 
               feverishly when suddenly Officer Barbrady calls everybody 
               together.

                                     T.V. ANCHOR
                         As some people of South Park try 
                         desperately to save their mountain 
                         town, others look for the missing 
                         townspeople, but all must take every 
                         precaution necessary.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Okay people, listen up!

               Barbrady opens a large white projection screen.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         As we near the top of the mountain, 
                         the chances of our encountering some 
                         lava becomes great. Therefore, I 
                         have special ordered this training 
                         film to assist us in volcano safety. 
                         Mr. Garrison, if you would please.

               Garrison turns on a rickety old projector. A black and white, 
               scratched up 50's style film begins.

               FILM

               INT. OFFICE - DAY

               Our 50's style narrator sits at an old oak desk with his 
               hands folded.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Harbingers of sorrow, natural 
                         disasters can be the cause of 
                         troubling and undesirable stress; 
                         And a volcano is no exception. But 
                         what should you do if a volcano erupts 
                         near you or your family?

               EXT. MEADOW - DAY

               A pleasant 50's style family is gathered on a blanket, having 
               a picnic.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Here we see the Stevens family 
                         enjoying Sunday picnic. But suddenly, 
                         Daughter hears a noise.

               The family all looks around.

                                     NARRATOR
                         It's a volcano. Junior seems worried. 
                         But have no fear, junior, Jane learned 
                         in school what to do when you hear a 
                         volcano erupt.

               Jane takes the picnic blanket and covers the family with it.

                                     NARRATOR
                         That's right, Jane. Duck and cover.

               Lava flows over the family. But as soon as the lava is gone, 
               the family emerges from underneath the blanket safe and sound.

               EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

               Two young boys ride bicycles down the road.

                                     NARRATOR
                         So what will you do when you hear a 
                         volcano erupting?

               The ground shakes, the boys look around, then quickly jump 
               off their bikes and crouch next to a nearby tree.

                                     NARRATOR
                         That's right. Duck and cover. Looks 
                         like you got the idea.

               More people ducking and covering as lava passes harmlessly 
               over them.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye.

               The filmstrip ends.

               EXT. RESCUE BASE CAMP - DAY

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Okay, any questions?

                                     CHEF
                         That has got to be the most ridiculous 
                         load of pigcrap I have ever seen.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         That's enough out of you!

               EXT. MOUNTAIN - FOREST - DAY

               The group continues their hot pursuit.

                                     STAN
                         I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt, then we'll 
                         see who's a little bastard!

               Stan takes aim at Cartman through the gunsites.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey!! Seriously you guys...

               But the group can't hear him. Stan levels the gun.

                                     KYLE
                         Kill it Stan. Kill it!

               As hard as he tries, Stan can't shoot. He still can't kill.

               He takes a deep breath and tries again. But he just can't.

                                     COMMERCIAL BREAK

                                         ACT III

                                     KYLE
                         C'mon Stan kill it!

                                     STAN
                         AW, DAMMIT! I CAN'T DO IT!

                                     JIMBO
                         You pansy! Give me that gun!

               Jimbo rips the gun out of Stan's hands. Just then, Cartman 
               manages to get off his disguise.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HEY!!!!

                                     STAN
                         Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         God Dammit, don't shoot me!

                                     JIMBO
                         What the Sam Hell?

                                     CARTMAN
                         I was just trying to scare you guys. 
                         You can put that gun down now.

               Jimbo and Ned sighs with disappointment.

                                     NED
                         So much for the cover of Guns & Ammo.

                                     JIMBO
                         Yepper. But I think we've learned 
                         some important lessons Ned- I think 
                         that -

               KA-BAM!!!! The top of the mountain blows its top and lava 
               fires up into the air.

                                     STAN
                         WOA!!

                                     NED
                         Holy crap!

                                     JIMBO
                         The Mountain, it's BLOWN IT'S TOP!!!

               Suddenly, a huge lava bomb shoots up into the air from the 
               volcano.

               The lava bomb drops from the sky. SCRUNCH!! It lands directly 
               on top of Kenny.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God! they killed Kenny!

               Just then, Kenny appears from behind the lava bomb, 
               apparently, it landed in front of him.

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm!

               Kenny waves happily. But just then, the large, round lava 
               bomb rolls over on top of Kenny, smothering and burning him 
               instantly.

               EXT. BASE CAMP

               The hot molten rock rushes down the mountain. A large group 
               of rescue workers spot the flow.

                                     RESCUE WORKER #1
                         Look!! The volcano!!!

                                     RESCUE WORKER 2
                         Quick! Duck and Cover!!!

               The group ducks down and huddles on the ground.

               WHOOOSH! The hot lava covers them, burning them instantly to 
               death.

               EXT. FOREST - DAY

               The lava continues to flow down the mountain.

               EXT. RIDGE - DAY

                                     JIMBO
                         That lava's coming right for us!

               EXT. FOREST - DAY

                                     CHEF
                         Oh, no! LOOK!

               Everybody turns to see Jimbo, Ned and the boys all running 
               for their lives down the mountain. But they are on the other 
               side of the large trench.

                                     JIMBO
                         What the hell is this trench doing 
                         here? We can't get across!

               EXT. BASE CAMP

               The T.V. Anchor is reporting the scene to the camera.

                                     T.V. ANCHOR
                         It now looks as if the missing 
                         children are trapped in the path of 
                         hot, nasty lava!

               The camera turns to the Mayor.

                                     MAYOR
                         God, please deliver those darling 
                         kids from... Wait, wait wait wait. 
                         3,2,and 1: God, please deliver...

               The townspeople can't do anything but watch in horror.

               EXT. RIDGE - DAY

               The lava rushes towards the group.

                                     CARTMAN
                         HELP!!!!

               Just then, the group hears a strange noise.

                                     NOISE
                         Grrrrrr.

               All of a sudden, a large bipedal creature appears! Covered 
               in purple fur, the creature is HUGE and hideous.

                                     JIMBO
                         Jiminy Poke! It's the REAL 
                         Scuzzlebutt!

                                     CARTMAN
                         What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God!! Look at his leg!

               The boys look down to see that the creature, sure enough, 
               has Patrick Duffy instead of a leg.

                                     PATRICK DUFFY
                         Hi, kids. I'm T.V.'s Patrick Duffy.

               Everybody screams with horror.

                                     JIMBO
                         Quick Ned! Shoot it!!!

               Ned fires his rifle. CLICK! It's empty.

                                     NED
                         Oh no! out of ammo!

               Scuzzlebutt approaches menacingly, making strange Scuzzlebutt 
               sounds.

                                     SCUZZLEBUTT
                         Grrrrrr.

               The group turns to run, but the wall of lava is but fifty 
               feet away and there is no way to go. They turn back around, 
               but there is the looming Scuzzlebutt.

               EXT. BASE CAMP

                                     MAYOR
                         What is that thing?

                                     CHEF
                         That's Scuzzlebutt!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yeah, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg 
                         and weaves baskets.

                                     BARBRADY
                         This isn't happening. Everyone look 
                         away, please. Nothing to see here.

               EXT. FOREST - DAY

               The lava flows closer.

                                     JIMBO
                         Well, boys... I'm sorry I got you 
                         all killed.

               Scuzzlebutt picks up a HUGE tree and starts to shred it with 
               his claws and teeth.

                                     KYLE
                         AAAAGGHHH!!

               With lightning speed, Scuzzlebutt makes the tree into a large 
               wicker basket and gestures for the hunters to step in.

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa, he built a wicker basket.

                                     JIMBO
                         Hey! He's saving us!!

                                     SCUZZLEBUTT
                         Grrrrrr.

               Using a rope, Scuzzlebutt hoists the basket safely up over 
               the trench, and then sets it down among the other townspeople.

                                     MRS. CARTMAN
                         Scuzzlebutt saved the day!

               Everybody cheers.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         And my calculations worked! The lava 
                         is following the trench into the 
                         Canyon!

               Sure enough the lava hits the trench and immediately diverts 
               away!

                                     MAYOR
                         Hmnn, Where exactly does the Canyon 
                         go?

               The Geologist thinks.

                                     GEOLOGIST
                         Uh...

               EXT. DENVER - DAY

               The hot lava travels down the canyon and smothers all of 
               Denver, destroying the entire city, burning buildings and 
               killing millions.

               EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         South Park is saved!

                                     KYLE
                         Hey look, Kenny's OK.

                                     KENNY
                         Mafmm Mmmfm Mma

                                     T.V. ANCHOR
                         And now these humble people can 
                         rejoice and celebrate their jovial 
                         victory over nature. I'm getting 
                         word that the Chef of the school 
                         cafeteria wants to sing a song about 
                         this thrilling struggle of humanity.

               The press people and rest of South Park rejoice with Ned, 
               Jimbo and the boys. The whole town goes crazy with happiness.

               Music kicks in, Chef starts to sing.

                                     CHEF
                              (Singing)
                         Ooh, baby, every time that we kiss 
                         HOT LAVA! And every time we make 
                         love - That's lava, HOT LAVA! Lava 
                         so hot it makes me sweat, Lava so 
                         warm and red and wet - Lava !

                                     T.V. ANCHOR
                         Mayor, what do you have to say about 
                         this wonderful outcome?

                                     MAYOR
                         Well, we owe everything to this 
                         friendly, yet misunderstood creature. 
                         Thank you, Scuzzlebutt.

               Scuzzlebutt leans down, plucks a flower and hands it to the 
               mayor.

               Scuzzlebutt starts to make a noise... A word is audible:

                                     SCUZZLEBUTT
                         ...Friend.

                                     MAYOR
                         Oh, how sweet!

               Everybody smiles. The Mayor beams.

               Just then, Stan walks up to Scuzzlebutt, points the gun, and 
               blows its head off. His bulky body falls to the ground.

               Everyone gasps.

                                     STAN
                         I did it! I did it! I finally killed 
                         something!

               Jimbo and Ned look on in shock.

                                     T.V. ANCHOR
                         Oh my God! What has he done?!

                                     MAYOR
                         Turn off the cameras.

                                     STAN
                         Hey! That was EASY!

                                     PATRICK DUFFY
                         NOOOOO... Why God why?

                                     JIMBO
                         Damnit Stan, you shouldn't have done 
                         that!

                                     STAN
                         What? Why?

                                     KYLE
                         Yea, make up your mind dude.

                                     JIMBO
                         Stan, some things you kill and some 
                         things you don't. See?

                                     STAN
                         No.

                                     NED
                         Only now in this late hour do I see 
                         the folly of guns. I'll never use a 
                         gun again.

               Ned throws down the gun and it misfires killing Kenny.

                                     STAN
                         But I just wanted you to be proud of 
                         me like you were with Kenny.

                                     JIMBO
                         But Kenny's dead now Stan, and you're 
                         always going to be my nephew. And 
                         you just can't kill anything. You 
                         understand?

                                     STAN
                         Dude, I don't understand hunting at 
                         all.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, it's stupid. Let's go watch 
                         cartoons.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, cartoons kick ass.

               The boys walk away.

                                           FIN

Volcano



Writers :   Matt Stone  Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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