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                                        SOUTH PARK

                                       Episode 102

                                    "WEIGHT GAIN 4000"

                                            By

                                 Matt Stone & Trey Parker

                

               INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING

               The children all sit waiting for school to begin. Some kids 
               are still milling about and taking off their coats.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow 
                         this morning?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, it was huge!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, I hate those things.

               The kids all look at Cartman puzzlingly.

                                     KYLE
                         Nobody HATES rainbows.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, what's there to HATE about 
                         rainbows?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, you know... You'll just be 
                         sitting there minding your own 
                         business, and they'll come marching 
                         in and crawl up your leg and start 
                         biting the inside of your ass -

               Cartman makes gnashing sounds with his teeth.

                                     CARTMAN
                         And you'll be all like 'Hey get out 
                         of my ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOWS!!!

               The boys sit in silence for several seconds... Nobody knows 
               what to say... Finally Stan speaks.

                                     STAN
                         Cartman, what the HELL are you talking 
                         about?!?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm talking about rainbows! I hate 
                         those friggin' things.

                                     KYLE
                         Rainbows are little arches of color 
                         that show up during a rainstorm!

               Cartman thinks long and hard.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Ohhhhhh.... RAINBOWS. Oh yeah, I 
                         like those, those are cool.

               Stan, Kyle and Kenny stare at Cartman in disbelief.

                                     STAN
                         What were YOU talking about?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Huh? Oh, nothing, forget it.

                                     KYLE
                         No! What marches in, crawls up your 
                         leg and bites the inside of your 
                         ass?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Nothing....

               Just then, Mr. Garrison steps in front of the class.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Children! Children! remember the 
                         'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay 
                         contest that you children worked so 
                         hard on last month?

               The kids don't seem to remember.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         One of our VERY OWN South Park 
                         students has won the national prize!!

               The kids all gasp. Stan's face lights up.

                                     WENDY
                         WOW! I knew I would win!

               Garrison pulls an envelope out of his pocket.

                                     MR. HAT
                         Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is 
                         exciting!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That's right, Mr. Hat. The winner of 
                         the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' 
                         contest is... ERIC CARTMAN!!

               Stan's expression drops.

                                     WENDY
                              (Shocked)
                         WHAT?!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Just as shocked)
                         What?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Congratulations, Eric, on writing 
                         the award winning paper.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Kick ass.

                                     STAN
                         That's impossible!! Cartman doesn't 
                         know a rain forest from a pop-tart!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah I do, Pop-Tarts are frosted.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Out of over a MILLION papers, Eric's 
                         was chosen as the grand prize winner!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, what did you write about, 
                         Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Not remembering)
                         Oh... You know... This and that.

                                     WENDY
                         He doesn't even KNOW what he wrote 
                         about!

                                     KYLE
                         What was your paper about, Wendy?

                                     WENDY
                         MY paper was on the suffering of 
                         bottle-nosed dolphins.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well you see? You shouldn't have 
                         written a paper about dolphins. 
                         Dolphins are stupid.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, Dolphin's are like the second 
                         smartest animal on the planet!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Guffawing smugly)
                         Oh, right... If they're so damn smart 
                         how come they get caught in those 
                         fishing nets all the time?!

                                     WENDY
                         What?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Wait, wait there's more! It says 
                         here that Eric's trophy will be 
                         presented to him by...
                              (Pause, gulp)
                         Kathie LEE GIFFORD!

               The whole class gasps.

                                     KYLE
                         Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And the presentation will be on 
                         national television!

               TRACK into Stan, Kyle and Kenny as their eyes bulge out and 
               their smiles widen.

                                     KYLE AND STAN AND KENNY
                         Television?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                              (Quietly, to himself)
                         Kathie Lee Gifford... I don't believe 
                         it...

               INT. SOUTH PARK CAPITOL BUILDING - DAY

               The intense female MAYOR MCDANIELS of South Park is pacing 
               excitedly up and down her office. With her are a few male 
               AIDES.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park...

               Mayor McDaniels walks over to the window and looks out upon 
               the small town square.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Oh My God, This is our chance to 
                         make a name for ourselves. To show 
                         that we're not just some pissant, 
                         whitebread mountain town!

                                     AIDE
                         Better yet it's a chance for YOU to 
                         get some publicity.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Yes! If I can show just how much 
                         I've turned South Park around... I 
                         could become a Senator!!

                                     AIDE #2
                         Maybe even a STATE Senator!

                                     AIDE
                         Mayor, we should decorate the town 
                         square!

                                     AIDE #2
                         Then we should have the Chef of the 
                         school cafeteria sing a song, and 
                         play up the ethnic diversity of our 
                         town.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         That's right... He's a black guy 
                         isn't he?

                                     AIDE
                              (Proudly)
                         Black as the night itself, Mayor.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                              (triumphantly)
                         YES!! And we can even have the 
                         children of South Park put on a little 
                         play! Kathie Lee loves children!

                                     AIDE
                         If they're working in a sweat-shop 
                         that is!

                                     AIDE #2
                         Ouch!

                                     AIDE
                         Thank You

               INT. CAFETERIA

               The boys are eating lunch at a table in the cafeteria.

                                     CARTMAN
                         You guys, guess what... After I'm on 
                         television, I'm gonna be totally 
                         famous!

               Wendy walks by.

                                     WENDY
                         Hitler was famous too.

               Wendy leaves. Chef comes sliding in.

                                     CHEF
                         Hello there children!

                                     KIDS
                         Hey Chef.

                                     CHEF
                         How are my little crackers today?

                                     KIDS
                         Good.

                                     CHEF
                         Did you all hear about the news?! 
                         Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South 
                         Park!

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won 
                         the environmental essay contest.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey!!!

                                     CHEF
                         Yeah, Yeah, whatever, but the Mayor 
                         just called and asked ME to sing at 
                         the ceremony!

                                     KYLE
                         Wow, are you gonna do it?

                                     CHEF
                         Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful, 
                         sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And 
                         if I sing to her, maybe I can lure 
                         her into a night of exotic 
                         delectation.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah! That'd be cool!

                                     KENNY
                         Mph rmph rm!

                                     CHEF
                         Well, THREE times bigger than Frank 
                         Gifford's anyway.

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               Garrison sits at the front of an empty classroom grading 
               some papers.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, I can't even concentrate on 
                         grading papers with all this 
                         excitement!

               Mr. Hat sits lifeless on a chair near the desk.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Why are you looking at me like that, 
                         Mr. Hat?

               Garrison picks the puppet up.

                                     MR. HAT
                         Have you forgotten about all the 
                         pain and suffering that Kathy Lee 
                         Gifford caused you?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, 
                         and I was only a child.

                                     MR. HAT
                         We could have WON that talent show... 
                         We could have been huge!

               TRACK IN ON GARRISON

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY - FLASHBACK

               A large banner reads 'National Talent Show Finals'

               TILT DOWN from the banner and onto -

               A smaller, ten year-old version of Mr. Garrison stands in a 
               huge spotlight on stage, with a smaller Mr. Hat on his arm.

                                     LIL' MR. GARRISON
                         Knock, knock, Mr. Hat.

                                     MR. HAT
                         Who's there?

                                     LIL' MR. GARRISON
                         Orange.

                                     MR. HAT
                         Orange who?

                                     LIL' MR. GARRISON
                         Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

                                     MR. HAT
                         Thank you.

               A smattering of applause echoes in the auditorium. Mr. 
               Garrison and Mr. Hat both bow and walk off stage. Several 
               judges hold up their numbers - 8.9, 9, 7.8, 9.2

                                     LIL' MR. GARRISON
                         Wow, Mr. Hat, it looks like we might 
                         win!  

                                     LOUDSPEAKER
                         'And now our last Talent Show 
                         Finalist: Kathie Lee Epstein!!!'

               A very young, cute Kathy Lee steps onto the stage, looking 
               adorable.

                                     LIL' KATHIE LEE
                              (singing)
                         ...If... they... could... See me now 
                         that little gang of mine, I'm eating 
                         fancy chow and drinking fancy 
                         wine..... ! How they would all say 
                         WOW!

               ZOOM OUT to reveal Lil' Kathie Lee Gifford singing and dancing 
               with a fifteen piece band and about 100 dancers all 
               choreographed in utter harmony with her every move. WHOOSH! 
               She now wears a puppet on each hand. Amazingly she manages 
               to throw her voice to each puppet and continue singing 
               herself, all in perfect harmony.

                                     LIL' KATHIE LEE
                              (singing)
                         If my friends could see me now...

               Kathie Lee is putting on a SPECTACULAR Broadway musical 
               number. Fountains go off! Fireworks explode! 

               Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat watch on, dumbfounded.

                                     LIL' KATHIE LEE
                         IF MY FRIENDS COULD SEE... ME... 
                         NOOOOOOOOOOWWWWwww!!!!

               The crowd ERUPTS with applause. The judges hold up their 
               numbers 10! 10! 10! 10!

                                                               DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               Mr. Garrison sits with glazed-over eyes.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It wasn't fair, she had choreography. 
                         How could we compete with that?

                                     MR. HAT
                         But now she's coming to South Park... 
                         And I know a way to make it ALL 
                         better!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         How?

               Mr. Hat whispers in Garrison's ear. Garrison GASPS!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't!!

               TRACK IN on Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I couldn't... KILL Kathie Lee Gifford!

                                               DRAMATIC MUSIC AND FADE OUT:

               INT. CLASSROOM - AFTER LUNCH

               Mayor McDaniels stands in front of the children.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Children, as you all know, Ms. Kathie 
                         Lee Gifford will be in South Park to 
                         present the award to some kid for an 
                         essay.

                                     CARTMAN
                         That kid is me!

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you 
                         Luscious little youngsters do a play 
                         about the history of South Park.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That'll be wonderful! Won't it Mr. 
                         Hat?

                                     MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
                         KILL HER!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Hat!!!!

               Garrison quickly puts his hand over Mr. Hat's mouth. The 
               Mayor looks oddly at Garrison and then continues.

               The mayor turns to Mr. Garrison.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct 
                         our little play.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh that's PERFECT!
                              (To Mr. Hat)
                         You see, Mr. Hat? We don't have to 
                         KILL her, we can just UPSTAGE her!

                                     WENDY
                         Mrs. Mayor? You might want to review 
                         the essays. We think Cartman might 
                         have cheated.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Who cares? Now kids, what say we 
                         give it our South Park best?!

               The Mayor waits for the kids to cheer. They don't.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         And who's our little prize winner 
                         again?

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Pissed off)
                         ME!! ERIC CARTMAN!!

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         How about we get in shape, huh? We 
                         want to look our best for the T.V. 
                         cameras don't we?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes ma'am!
                              (Singing)
                         I'm gonna be on television! I'm gonna 
                         be on television!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               The school bus drops the boys off at their bus stop. Cartman 
               is STILL singing the same song.

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Singing)
                         I'm gonna be on television! I'm gonna 
                         be on television!

               Stan gets in Cartman's face.

                                     STAN
                         We don't believe for a minute that 
                         you won that contest fairly, fat 
                         boy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, stop defending your little 
                         girlfriend for writing about some 
                         stupid fish.

                                     STAN
                         Dude, dolphins are intelligent and 
                         friendly!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Intelligent and friendly on rye bread 
                         with some mayonnaise.

                                     STAN
                         Dolphins are way smarter than YOU!

                                     CARTMAN
                         If they're so smart, why do they 
                         live in igloos?!

                                     STAN
                         DOLPHINS DON'T LIVE IN IGLOOS! THAT'S 
                         ESKIMOS!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's 
                         all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie 
                         crap!

                                     STAN
                         Tell me what you wrote about!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh, I can't, I have to go home and 
                         get in shape!

               Cartman walks away.

                                     STAN
                         Yeah right, you'll go sit in front 
                         of the T.V. and eat Cheesy Poofs, 
                         assmaster!

                                     CARTMAN (OFFSCREEN)
                         Screw you, hippie!!

               INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

               Cartman sits on the couch watching television and eating 
               Cheesy Poofs. He plunges his hand into the huge barrel of 
               Cheesey Poofs that sits beside him.

               ANGLE - TELEVISION ANNOUNCER

               We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals after this. A bunch of 
               muscle-builder guys stand around flexing.

                                     NARRATOR
                         HEY! DO YOU NEED TO GET IN SHAPE 
                         FAST?!

               This catches Cartman's attention - his eyes dart to the 
               screen.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Wanna look your best? Tired of all 
                         the OTHER guys getting all the chicks?

               Cartman turns up the volume on the remote.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Are you tired of being a ninety-pound 
                         weakling?

               A scrawny little guy gets punched in the face by a big, buff 
               muscle-builder.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah! I only weigh ninety pounds!

                                     NARRATOR
                         Then bulk up QUICK with Weight Gain 
                         4000.

               The narrator flexes and muscles bulge out all over. Cartman's 
               eyes light up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         YES!

                                     NARRATOR
                         With over 4000 grams of saturated 
                         fat per serving, Its patented formula 
                         is designed to enter the mouth and 
                         go directly to the stomach where it 
                         is distributed to the bloodstream. 
                         Now available in stores everywhere. 
                         Get some today and say with me, 
                         BEEFCAKE.

                                     CARTMAN
                         BEEFCAKE.

                                     NARRATOR
                         BEEFCAKE!!!!!

                                     CARTMAN
                         BEEFCAKE!!!!

                                     NARRATOR & CARTMAN
                         BEEFCAKE!!!!!

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         May cause irreversible damage to the 
                         kidneys and liver.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Mom, can you get me some WEIGHT GAIN
                         4000?

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         O.K. Eric, I'll get you some at the 
                         store tomorrow.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But mom I need it for tomorrow.

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         But tomorrow is grocery day Eric.

                                     CARTMAN
                         MOM.......

                                     CARTMAN'S MOM
                         O.K., O.K. Well I guess I'll be going 
                         to the store now then.

               Cartman's mom pulls her purse on and heads out the door.

               INT. MR. GARRISON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               Garrison is lying in bed, tossing and turning from a terrible 
               nightmare. We see whispy images floating through Garrison's 
               thoughts -

               Finally, Garrison awakes, and jolts up to a sitting position.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         NO, NO!!!!

               Garrison wipes sweat from his brow, realizing it was all a 
               dream. Then he spots Mr. Hat in his little chair.

                                     MR. HAT
                         Kill her.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, Mr. Hat! I won't do it!

               Mr. Hat's eyes begin to glow red. Mr. Hat's head starts 
               spinning around and around.

                                     MR. HAT
                         KILLLLLLLLLL...

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         That does it. You're going in the 
                         dresser drawer Mr. Hat.

                                     MR. HAT
                         She'll make a fool of you again.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, you can just stay in that drawer 
                         Negative Nancy.

               Garrison throws the puppet in his dresser and locks it with 
               a little key. Immediately the dresser starts shaking and 
               illuminating.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - THE NEXT MORNING

               The sun rises over South Park.

               INT. BUS STOP - MORNING

               Stan, Kenny, and Kyle all stand at the busstop waiting for 
               the bus to show up. Cartman comes waddling up in a tank top 
               and holding a big tin of Weight Gain 4000.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey dudes.

                                     KYLE
                         What the hell is wrong with you, 
                         Cartman? Haven't you noticed the 
                         three feet of snow on the ground?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Listen... I have a nice body and I 
                         wanna show it off. You got that?

               The boys take a second to digest this one.

                                     STAN
                         What?! You've got to weigh ninety-
                         pounds!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm up to ninety-four, thank you 
                         very much.

                                     KENNY
                         Mrmnph phh mphph?

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, they're almost as big as his 
                         mom's!

               The boys all laugh hysterically.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Laugh all you want. I'm the one who's 
                         gonna be on T.V. looking all buff.

               He takes the top off the tin and starts chowing down on the 
               weight gain powder.

                                     KYLE
                         What's that stuff?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Weight Gain 4000. It's helping me 
                         bulk up.

                                     KYLE
                         Bulk up to what? Fat Ass?

                                     STAN
                         Super Fat Ass?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey! I don't have to take that kinda 
                         crap from you scrawny weaklings!

               The bus pulls up and the boys jump on. Cartman has an extra 
               hard time getting on the bus. He huffs and puffs toward the 
               door. When he reaches the door, he has to turn sideways.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet, check me out! I'm such a 
                         beefcake I can't even get through 
                         the door!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               Townspeople are busy painting the buildings on the main drag 
               and hanging banners reading 'South Park Welcomes Kathie Lee 
               Gifford!!!' The mayor is directing townspeople with a 
               megaphone.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         C'mon people! We've got to turn this 
                         place around!! Hang up the lights! 
                         String up the banners! Castrate the 
                         cows!!

               The cows look up with concern.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - STAGE

               Mr. Garrison's class stands around on the stage all dressed 
               in cute little historical outfits. Half the children are 
               dressed as pioneers, and the other half are dressed as 
               Indians. The Mayor walks up.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little 
                         play going?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Huh? Oh... Fine, we were just about 
                         to run it from the top.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Oh, please do! I'm dying to see it!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, All the little pioneers on 
                         this side of the stage.

               All the kids who are dressed in pioneer outfits go to one 
               side of the stage.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Good, and all the little Indians go 
                         to the center of the stage.

               A little boy named CLYDE steps forward.

                                     CLYDE
                         Am I a Indian or a pioneer?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Do you have a feather on your head?

                                     CLYDE
                         Yes.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Then you're an Indian.

                                     CLYDE
                         Oh.

               The Mayor sighs as Clyde walks to join the group of kids 
               dressed as Indians. Kenny is just wearing what he always 
               wears with a little red feather sticking out of his hood. 

               Now Garrison moves in front of the curtain and stands next 
               to the Mayor.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay, BeBe this is your line.

               BEBE stands in front of the curtain in a little dress.

                                     BEBE
                              (Reciting loudly)
                         This is the story of South Park... 
                         It begins over a hundred years ago 
                         when the noble and hardy Ute Indians 
                         lived on the land.

               Now the curtain opens revealing all the children dressed as 
               Indians sitting in around a little fake teepee.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Oh, don't they look adorable?

                                     BEBE
                         Then, from the east, came the great 
                         white pioneers...

               Suddenly, all the children who were dressed as pioneers come 
               CHARGING onto the stage and immediately start beating the 
               crap out of the kids dressed as Indians.

               The Mayor watches in horror as the Indians are pummeled 
               senseless by the pioneers.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Oh my God!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         They did it a lot better this morning. 
                         They had more energy.

                                     BEBE
                         The pioneers met with the Indians, 
                         and negotiated for their fertile 
                         lands...

               The children continue to fight. All the little Indian kids 
               are thrown off stage and beaten to a pulp.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Mr. Garrison! We cannot have our 
                         children beating each other senseless 
                         in front of Kathie Lee Gifford!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, what do you want? This is how 
                         it happened in those days.

               Stan kicks Clyde in the ribs repeatedly.

                                     STAN
                         Take THAT you stupid Indian!

                                     CLYDE
                         Ow!

               Now the kids are really into it, the Mayor and Mr. Garrison 
               have to shout over the growing moans and cries.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         MR. GARRISON! THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE! 
                         DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT Kathie 
                         LEE GIFFORD WOULD ENJOY THIS?!?!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         TO HELL WITH Kathie LEE 
                         GIFFORD!!!!!!!!

               Silence...

               Everybody stops... The kids quit fighting and stare at Mr. 
               Garrison with disbelief. You could hear a pin drop.

               Garrison covers his mouth and looks around as if to say he 
               himself can't even believe what he just said.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh my God... What have I said?

               South Park residents gather around looking astounded. A 
               ominous silence spreads throughout the square as all eyes 
               rest on Mr. Garrison.

                                     TOWNSWOMAN
                              (gasping)
                         He said 'to HELL with Kathie Lee 
                         Gifford'!

               The whole town continues to stare in absolute shock. Shamed, 
               Mr. Garrison hangs his head.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you 
                         from directing our play.

               Mr. Garrison steps down from the stage.

               INT. MR. GARRISON'S BEDROOM

               Mr. Garrison unlocks his dresser drawer and slides it open. 
               Mr. Hat lays face up.

                                     MR. HAT
                         It happened again, didn't it?

               Mr. Garrison picks up Mr. Hat and puts him on his hand.

                                     MR. HAT
                         Now we do things MY WAY.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I can't kill her, Mr. Hat!
                              (Pause)
                         You're going to have to do it!

               MR. HAT laughs!!!!!

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                          ACT II

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - THE NEXT DAY

               The sign at the town square reads 'Days until Kathie Lee 
               Arrives'. Dress rehearsal for the big event. Everyone in 
               South Park is making final preparations. The Mayor is 
               directing where everybody goes. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand 
               on stage in little pioneer and Indian costumes. Cartman heaves 
               himself up onto the platform. The platform bulges and CREEKS 
               under his enormous weight.

                                     KYLE
                         Whoa Cartman, talk about wide load!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Yeah, I'm really starting to fill 
                         out nicely.

               Cartman flexes his arms.

                                     KYLE
                         You're not 'filling out nicely', 
                         you're fatter than ever!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I'm not fat, I'm getting in shape!

                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, you're SUCH a fat ass, that 
                         when you walk down the street people 
                         go 'GOD DAMN IT, THAT'S A BIG FAT 
                         ASS!'

                                     CARTMAN
                         No they don't, you jealous weakling!

               A RANDOM TOWNSPERSON walks by and sees Cartman.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         God Damn, that is a big fat ass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey!

               Wendy walks in.

                                     WENDY
                         Hi guys.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh, look, another hippie. Peace, 
                         Wendy.

                                     STAN
                         Shut up, Cartman!

                                     CARTMAN
                              (Singing)
                         Oh, two little hippies sittin' in a 
                         tree......!

               Wendy pulls Stan aside.

                                     WENDY
                         I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and 
                         get to the bottom of this!

               INT. SOUTH PARK GUN SHOP - DAY

               A pleasant GUNSMITH is locking some weapons behind a glass 
               case when he hears the little BELL announce that somebody 
               has come in.

                                     JIMBO
                         Can I help you?

               The gunsmith turns around to see Mr. Garrison, hobbled over 
               and wearing a long trenchcoat that covers much of his face. 
               He looks crazed and nervous.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes... I need a gun.

                                     JIMBO
                         Would this be for hunting, home-
                         protection or other?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Other.

                                     JIMBO
                         Alrighty, then may I suggest the 
                         Stratford twelve millimeter. Here, 
                         try it on.

               The Gunsmith hands Garrison the large, black rifle and leads 
               him over to a set of mirrors, angled just like the ones in 
               clothing stores.

                                     JIMBO
                         That looks really nice on you. The 
                         lacquered black really matches your 
                         eyes.

               Garrison turns around and looks himself up and down.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                              (To the mirror)
                         You talkin' to me? You talkin' to 
                         me?
                              (To the Gunsmith)
                         I don't know... It's a little small.

                                     JIMBO
                         Okay, how about this?

               The Gunsmith quickly replaces the Stratford with another, 
               larger rifle. Again, Garrison twirls around in the mirror 
               with the gun in his hands.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                              (To the mirror)
                         You talkin' to me?
                              (To the Gunsmith)
                         Mmmm, no. I don't like this one 
                         either.

                                     JIMBO
                         Here's the same gun with a wood 
                         finish.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody 
                         else around here. So you must be 
                         talkin' to me.

               Mr. Garrison turns to the Gunsmith.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'll take it.

               EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - NIGHT

               Establishing.

               INT. CLASSROOM - NIGHT

               The classroom is dark and silent. The door CREEKS open and a 
               shaft of blue moonlight spills through. Wendy pokes her head 
               in.

                                     WENDY
                              (in a whisper)
                         Hello?

               She tiptoes to the back of the room and opens a file cabinet. 
               Inside is a manila envelope labeled 'Save Our Planet Essay 
               Contest.'

               She opens the folder and flips through the papers.

               She comes to her paper, which the judges have scored with a 
               big circled 72 written on it and the phrase 'Good Try Little 
               girl - But if dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught 
               in fishing nets all the time?' 

               Wendy grinds her teeth and fumes for a moment.

               After a few more papers, she comes to the one with a big 
               blue ribbon on it. It is an incredibly thick essay, nearly 
               300 pages. Wendy pulls it out and starts to read it out loud.

                                     WENDY
                              (Reading)
                         My Essay - By Eric Cartman... When I 
                         wrote the following pages, or rather 
                         the bulk of them, I lived alone, in 
                         the woods on the shore of...

               The door opens! Wendy shoves the paper in her jacket and 
               drops behind a desk.

               A dark figure moves across the classroom. Wendy peeks up and 
               sees Mr. Garrison taking off his overcoat. He sits down at 
               his desk, flips on a lamp, and throws Mr. Hat on a chair.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well Mr. Hat, I guess ol' Kathie Lee 
                         really will be surprised when she 
                         gets here tomorrow...

               Mr. Hat sits limp on the chair. Mr. Garrison starts to polish 
               his gun.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         She beat us in the talent show all 
                         those years ago... And I think we 
                         OWE her for that!

               Wendy peeks out from behind the desk. Garrison points the 
               gun and looks through the sight.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         BANG!!!

               CLICK!! Mr. Garrison dry shoots the gun. Wendy eyes grow 
               huge as Garrison's laughter reverberates throughout the room.

                                     WENDY
                              (Softly)
                         Oh my God!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - MORNING

               The sign now reads 'Days Until Kathie Lee Arrives' and a 
               hand removes the '1' so that it reads 'TODAY!!'. 

               The sun rises over South Park as the whole town fills the 
               town square on the big day.

               Kyle stands with his little brother IKE, who bounces in and 
               out of frame wearing a blue jumpsuit with 'I LOVE Kathie 
               LEE' sewed on the front.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY

               Garrison walks down the street holding his large, black rifle. 
               Some townspeople notice him, but simply smile and wave hello.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         Howdy, Mr. Garrison, nice gun!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thank you.

                                     ANOTHER TOWNSPERSON
                         Nice gun, Mr. Garrison!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thanks. Hello Officer Barbrady.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Nice gun.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thanks. Is there somewhere in town 
                         where I can get a good, clear shot-a-
                         view of Kathie Lee?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hmm... You know, I think the book 
                         depository would be a good bet.

                                                               WHIP PAN TO:

               EXT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY - DAY

               The depository, a two story, wooden building, stands utterly 
               empty on the other side of the street. Two vultures fly in a 
               circle around it.

                                                          WHIP PAN BACK TO:

               EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes... Yes, that might do quite 
                         nicely. Thank you, Officer Barbrady.

               In a trance, Garrison slowly walks towards the depository.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         No problem.

               Suddenly, Barbrady rips a camera out of the hands of another 
               townsperson.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Ha! Caught you red handed! NO PICTURES 
                         OF Kathie LEE!!

               Barbrady grabs the guy and whisks him off.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK - STAGE - DAY

               The Mayor stands on the stage nervously awaiting Kathie Lee's 
               arrival. She checks her watch.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         Where is she?

               Meanwhile, the kids are backstage, getting ready for their 
               performance.

                                     CARTMAN
                         This is sweet. The camera crews are 
                         setting up, and I'm looking totally 
                         ripped. Beefcake BEEFCAKE!

               Cartman slurps down some more Weight Gain 4000.

                                     KYLE
                         I don't think they're gonna be able 
                         to get all of you in frame, Cartman.

               Suddenly, Wendy comes running up.

                                     WENDY
                         You guys! We have to stop him!!

                                     KYLE
                         Stop who?

                                     WENDY
                         Mr. Garrison! He's going to try to 
                         KILL Kathie Lee Gifford!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Oh no you don't! You're not gonna 
                         ruin MY moment of fame!

                                     WENDY
                         He's got a gun!

                                     CARTMAN
                         You gotta get over this whole jealousy 
                         thing alright. Seriously, just face 
                         it, I wrote a better paper than you.

                                     WENDY
                         It just so happens that I HAVE your 
                         paper and I KNOW why you won!

               Cartman panics.

                                     WENDY
                         There's something more important 
                         right now. Let's go!

                                     STAN
                         Wendy, you've got to Prioritize!! 
                         What's more IMPORTANT? Being on TV, 
                         or some stupid assassination?!

                                     WENDY
                         Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?

               Wendy makes a sad face at Stan. Stan's eyes droop.

                                     KYLE
                         Uh-oh, we're losing him.

               EXT. STAGE - DAY

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         HERE SHE COMES!!!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY

               The townspeople all cheer and wave 'Welcome' flags. The lame 
               South Park marching band marches down the street.

               Following close behind is a vehicle that has been modified 
               with bullet-proof glass - just like the famous 'POPE MOBILE'. 
               Inside the glass bubble, waving happily is Kathie Lee Gifford. 

               The vehicle is also surrounded by several suited guards who 
               look like secret service. They are all looking around with 
               their fingers in their ears.

               INT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY - DAY

               Garrison is sitting at a window of the book depository with 
               his gun pointing outside.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Damn! I guess I'm not the only person 
                         in America who's thought of killing 
                         Kathie Lee Gifford.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY

               The Pope-mobile continues down the street.

                                     TOWNSWOMAN
                         WE LOVE YOU Kathie LEE!!

               Kathie Lee responds, maybe she says 'I love you too', but 
               she is inaudible through the thick glass.

               INT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY - DAY

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Come on, you little bitch...

               Garrison looks through the HUGE scope on his rifle.

               ANGLE - GUNSIGHT

               The crosshairs of the sight lie directly in front of Kathie 
               Lee's head. Through the sight, Garrison notices that the 
               trophy is inside the bubble with Kathie Lee.

               RESUME - GARRISON

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You've got to come out of your 
                         precious bubble sooner or later, 
                         Missy.

               Garrison laughs maniacally.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               The pope-mobile rides past them and finally reaches the stage. 
               The Mayor steps up to the microphone.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         It is with great pride and honor 
                         that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie 
                         Lee Gifford to South Park!

               The townspeople all cheer.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         And now, our very own South Park 
                         Elementary Chef will sing a special 
                         song in honor of Mrs. Lee-Gifford! 

               Kathie Lee rolls her eyes, and then tries desperately to 
               look thrilled, as Chef steps up to the mic.

                                     CHEF
                         Thank you, Mr. Mayor. You know... 
                         Kathie-Lee, you are a very special 
                         woman...

               Groovy Isaac Hayes music starts to fade in. The BAND MEMBERS 
               are in the background getting funky.

                                     CHEF
                         I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler-
                         Moore way... Or special in a extra 
                         value meal at Happy Burger way... No 
                         no no no-

               Kathie Lee looks confused.

                                     CHEF
                         I mean SPECIAL... Like... The song 
                         of a hummingbird as it gets ready 
                         to... to find that female hummingbird, 
                         and -- make sweet love to it -- all 
                         night long. Just two hummingbirds 
                         moanin' and groanin' and letting 
                         their bodies caress and touch each 
                         other in ecstasy...

               Now the groove breaks into a full-fledged soul song.

                                     CHEF
                              (Singing)
                         Ooh Kathie Lee 
                         How I'd love to lay you down 
                         And lick every inch of your body 
                         with my tongue.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         What???

                                     CHEF
                         Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy. 
                         How 'bout you and me?

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         What???

               Kathie Lee is in absolute shock. The Mayor tries to stop 
               Chef.

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                              (Grabbing the mic)
                         Uh, thank you Chef for that 
                         heartwarming song-

                                     CHEF
                              (Still singing)
                         Make sweet love.....

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                              (in total shock)
                         THANK YOU, CHEF!!

               The music stops. A few people applaud. Chef is hurried off 
               the stage.

                                     CHEF
                         God bless you Kathie Lee!!

               Kathie Lee waves from inside her bubble, again, trying to 
               look happy, but visibly uncomfortable.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

               Wendy and Stan frantically run through the crowd. They spot 
               Officer Barbrady.

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                         Officer Barbrady! Mr. Garrison is 
                         about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to 
                         find him!

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         What? You mean the teacher? Wait a 
                         minute...

               Barbrady thinks. A thought bubble appears above him, replaying 
               the scene from earlier.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Thanks. Is there somewhere in town 
                         where I can get a good, clear shot-a-
                         view of Kathie Lee?

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Hmm... You know, I think the book 
                         depository would be a good bet.

               Barbrady keeps thinking. Wendy patiently waits. Again the 
               same scene plays.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         I think the book depository would be 
                         a good bet. 
                         Book depository would be a good bet. 
                         Book depository good bet 
                         Book depository

               Finally, Barbrady stops thinking.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Damn! He could be anywhere! I'll 
                         send out an A.P.B.! 

               Barbrady dashes off. Wendy sighs.

                                     STAN
                         Wendy, look!

               Stan points up to the book depository where Mr. Hat is peeping 
               over a gun barrel that is sticking out of the second story 
               window. Wendy gasps and runs toward it.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - STAGE

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         And now, Here to present the award 
                         for the Environmental essay to our 
                         own Eric Kaufman-

                                     CARTMAN
                         Cartman, God Dammit!!!

                                     MAYOR MCDANIELS
                         -Is your favorite celebrity and mine; 
                         Kathie LEE GIFFORD!!!

               The townspeople go nuts. Kathie Lee, still in her large 
               bubble, is hoisted onto the stage. The glass holder falls 
               over at first, but the servicemen are right there to pick 
               her back up.

               Now Kathie Lee speaks, but the glass is so thick that we 
               still can't quite hear what she is saying.

                                     KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
                         Thank you! How I love you all!

               INT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY

                                     STAN
                         Mr. Garrison! Stop!

               Garrison spins around and sees Wendy and Stan standing in 
               the doorway.

                                     MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
                         LEAVE US! WE MUST FINISH WHAT WE 
                         HAVE BEGUN!

               Garrison turns back to the window and again takes aim.

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                         I know that she's hurt you, she's 
                         hurt a lot of people.

               Now Garrison turns back to Wendy with a different look.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You... Can't know...

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                         YOU should have won that talent show.

               Stan looks confused but Garrison's face lights up.

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - STAGE

                                     KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
                              (Still mostly inaudible)
                         It is with great honor and pride 
                         that I present the winner this trophy.

               Now Kathie Lee bends down and picks up the trophy. She opens 
               the door hatch in her bubble and takes a step out.

                                     KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
                         Eric, would you please come up here.

               Cartman walks slowly up the stairs to the stage, fat literally 
               dragging behind him.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Here it is! My big moment of fame!

               INT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         And then she finished it all by 
                         throwing her voice with TWO dummies 
                         at once.

                                     WENDY
                         I know that, Mr. Garrison, but this 
                         isn't the answer.

               Garrison thinks.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         It is too late for me... Young Wendy.

                                     WENDY
                         You see, I've learned something today. 
                         You can't win all the time. And if 
                         you don't win... You certainly can't 
                         hold it against the person who DID, 
                         because... That's the only way you 
                         ever really lose.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You're... You're right.

               Garrison sets the gun down and walks toward Wendy and Stan 
               with a smile growing on his face.

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                         Good...

                                     STAN
                         Man, did she really throw her voice 
                         with TWO dummies at once?

               Garrison freaks.

                                     MR. HAT
                         THE BITCH MUST DIE!!!

               Garrison spins around, grabs the gun, and points it out the 
               window. The gunshot fires! BLAM!!

               EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - STAGE

               Cartman steps off of the stairs and puts his weight on the 
               stage. The stage immediately collapses on his side, firing 
               Kathie Lee up into the air like a rocket.

                                     KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
                         AAAAGGHH!!!

               Cartman falls underneath the stage as the bullet flies past 
               where Kathie Lee was standing - and heads directly for Kenny.

                                     KENNY
                         Mm Nmm!

               The bullet hits Kenny, whose poor little body goes flying 
               across the stage, then he lands upside down in a large barrel 
               of water, which immediately turns blood red.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh my God! they killed Kenny!
                              (Shaking his fist)
                         You bastard!

               The Secret Servicemen take action and jump all over Kathie 
               Lee, protecting her body from any more bullets.

                                     SERVICEMEN
                         GUN!! GUN!!

               The men then quickly shove Kathie Lee in her bubble and drive 
               away.

                                     KYLE
                         Hey!! Come back!! We didn't even get 
                         to do our play!!

               But within seconds Kathie Lee is gone. Her entire entourage 
               disappears over the horizon.

                                     T.V. CREW DIRECTOR
                         I guess that's it guys. Wrap it up.

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, wait a minute! When do I get to 
                         be on television?!

                                     T.V. CREW DIRECTOR
                         Forget it, kid. No Kathie Lee, no 
                         public interest.

                                     CARTMAN
                         But I won the environmental essay 
                         contest!!

               Wendy Testaburger jumps onto the stage.

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                         You don't DESERVE to win, Cartman, 
                         and YOU know it!

               Wendy steps up to the microphone and holds up a VERY thick 
               stack of papers.

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                         I'm holding Cartman's award winning 
                         paper! It's actually nothing more 
                         than 'Walden' with Henry David 
                         Thoreau's name crossed out and 
                         Cartman's name written in its place!

               The townspeople all look at each other. Cartman gulps.

                                     TOWNSPERSON
                         Who cares?

                                     TOWNSPERSON #2
                         Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.

               The townspeople all concur and begin to disperse.

                                     STAN
                         What about not holding anything 
                         against the person who wins?

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                         Well not if it's CARTMAN!! Hey where 
                         are you all going?!

               The townspeople all disappear, leaving the kids alone.

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                              (Vanquished)
                         They don't even know what Walden is.
                              (Shouting again)
                         I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd 
                         all know what it was!!!

                                     STAN
                         Come on, Wendy. Kyle's mom'll make 
                         us tuna fish sandwiches.

                                     WENDY TESTABURGER
                         Oh, what the hell.

                                     MAYOR
                              (Sobbing)
                         NO!! NO!! Now I'll be stuck in this 
                         podunk town forever with all these 
                         stupid, hick, redneck, jobless, truck 
                         driving idiots!!

                                     AIDE
                         Uh, mayor, the mic is on.

               Suddenly, the doors to the book depository open, and Officer 
               Barbrady appears holding Mr. Garrison's left arm.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         Thought you could get away with it, 
                         eh Mr. Hat?!

                                     MR. HAT
                         Well, I would have gotten away with 
                         it if it weren't for those meddling 
                         kids.

                                     OFFICER BARBRADY
                         You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee 
                         Gifford and that nobody got hurt.

               Barbrady throws Garrison in the back seat, gets in the car 
               and speeds away past Kenny's little bleeding body.

                                                                  FADE OUT:

               FADE IN:

               EXT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY

               The white mental hospital sits pleasantly between two mountain 
               peaks.

               INT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY

               Mr. Garrison sits in a padded room surrounded by Kenny, Kyle, 
               Wendy and Stan. Mr. Hat is in a little straight jacket, but 
               Garrison isn't.

                                     STAN
                         We hope you can come back to school 
                         real soon, Mr. Garrison.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well children, I'd love to. But the 
                         doctors say that Mr. Hat needs more 
                         therapy...

               Mr. Hat pops out from the side.

                                     MR. HAT
                         WE CAN STILL GET HER!! MMFF MF!!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I'm just so sorry that I ruined 
                         everyone's chances for being on T.V.

                                     KYLE
                         Not Cartman, he get's to be on T.V. 
                         anyway.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Really? On what?

                                                                    CUT TO:

               INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

                                     GERALDO
                         Obesity, Adiposity, Corpulence... 
                         Whatever word you use it represents 
                         one thing... Being a big fat ass.
                              (pause)
                         We have with us today, live via 
                         satellite, Eric Cartman from South 
                         Park. Who is now so obese he can't 
                         even get out of his house.

               ANGLE - MONITOR - CARTMAN IN HIS BED

               Cartman is lying on his bed with a blanket wrapped around 
               him. The words on the bottom of the screen read 'Eric Cartman - 
               Fat Ass - Live Via Satellite.

                                     CARTMAN
                         When is this gonna be on the air?

               INT. GERALDO SHOW

                                     GERALDO
                         Is there anything you'd like to say 
                         to people out there?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Follow your dreams. You can reach 
                         your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake 
                         BEEFCAKE!!!

               INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               The television in Chef's room, with Geraldo's image, snaps 
               off. Chef is lying in his bed with the remote control. He 
               puts the remote down and takes a long drag from his cigarette.

                                     CHEF
                         He needs to run his ass around the 
                         block a few times.

               An arm drapes over Chef. PULL BACK to reveal that Kathie Lee 
               is lying in bed naked next to Chef.

                                     KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
                         Mmmm, how about a little more of 
                         that good loving, Chef?

                                     CHEF
                         Damn woman, I just gave you sweet 
                         lovin' 5 minutes ago. You tryin' to 
                         kill me?

                                                                  FADE OUT:

                                         THE END

Weight gain 4000



Writers :   Matt Stone  Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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