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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                     Episode 814


                             "WOODLAND CRITTER CHRISTMAS"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [A panoramic view of South Park, day. Holiday music is heard 
               in the background, and the scenes are played out as the narrator 
               mentions them]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         Way up in the mountains in a small little 
                         town,
 
               The Main Street was being decorated all up and down.

               People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more,
 
               
               Because Christmas need to be bought in a store.

               But out in the forest, not too far away...

               [A nearby forest. The camera pans down from the sky and rest 
               upon a Christmas tree. Forest animals gather round and decorate 
               it.]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         ...The little woodland critters were 
                         also preparing for their Christmas day.
 
                         
                                     WOODLAND CRITTERS
                         It's almost time when the time is here,
 
                         
               The time that's only once a year.

               We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near.

               A Woodland Critter Christmas!

                                     NARRATOR
                         The little critters worked hard as they 
                         happily sang
 
               And each one of them had a quite interesting name

               There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit,

               Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear

               Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk,

               Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer

               Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse,

               and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house.
 
               
               And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that,

               was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat.

                                     STAN
                          What the hell?

                                     SINGER
                         Christmastime is once a year

               Every critter holds it dear

               Every animal big or small

               Christmas means so much to us all

               [The forest. The critters approach Stan.]

                                     RABBITY
                         Well hello there. Welcome to our forest.
 
                         
                                     SKUNKY
                         How do you like our Christmas tree?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         It's... nice.

                                     BEAVERY
                         Why, it's the most perfect tree in the 
                         forest! 
 
                                     MOUSEY
                         Oh no, I see a problem.

                                     DEERY
                         What is it, Mousey?

                                     MOUSEY
                         Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star.
 
                         
                                     CRITTERS
                         Ohhhh

                                     BEARY
                         We can't have a tree with no star on 
                         it.
 
                                     RABBITY
                         What are we gonna do?

                                     SQUIRRELY
                         Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our 
                         new friend can help us find a star.
 
                         
                                     CRITTERS
                          Can you really? Oh would you please? 
                         Could you help us?
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, okay.

                                     CRITTERS
                          Yay!!

                                     NARRATOR
                         And so, using some paper and working 
                         with glee,
 
               the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree

                                     CRITTERS
                         Ohhhh

                                     BEARY
                         It's the nicest star I ever saw.

                                     NARRATOR
                         The little critters cheered and Beavery 
                         said with a smile
 
                                     BEAVERY
                         How would you like to sing and dance 
                         with us for a while?
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         The boy in the red poofball hat smiled 
                         and said
 
                                     STAN
                          Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home. 
 
                         
                                     BEAVERY
                         Goo, goodbye Stanny!

                                     CRITTERS
                         Goodbye, Stanny! Bye! Cya! I'll buy 
                         your hat!
 
                                     STAN
                         Wugh.

               [Stan's bedroom, night. He's asleep in bed, but wakes up, turns 
               over, and turns on his light]
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Hi, Stanny!

                                     STAN
                         Oh, whatta? 

                                     NARRATOR
                         His friends were all there! What a wonderful 
                         surprise!
 
               The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes

                                     STAN
                          What time is it!

                                     SQUIRRELY
                         You aren't gonna believe what happened, 
                         Stanny. It's the most magical Christmas 
                         gift ever!
 
                                     SKUNKY
                         Porcupiney is pregnant!

                                     STAN
                          You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     MOUSEY
                         I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand 
                         the seriousness of the fertilization.
 
                         
                                     DEERY
                         Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny. Her 
                         conception was immaculate.
 
                                     FOXY
                         She's gonna give birth to our Lord and 
                         Savior.
 
                                     STAN
                         ...What?

                                     PORCUPINEY
                         It has been foretold unto me that I 
                         would give birth on Christmas Day.
 
                         
                                     MOUSEY
                         So soon!

                                     SKUNKY
                         How delightful!

                                     WOODPECKERY
                         Our souls are saved!

                                     CHICKADEE-Y
                         Finally the critters are gonna have 
                         a Savior of their very own, of their 
                         very own! 
 
                                     SQUIRRELY
                          There's just one problem: We don't 
                         have a manger for our Savior to be born 
                         in.
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Awwww.

                                     BEARY
                         But we got to have a manger.

                                     RABBITY
                         Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us 
                         a manger? Huh? 
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         "Of course I'll build you a little manger!" 
                         the little boy cried,
 
               and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side!
 
               
               [The forest. Stan has built the manger and is hammering the last 
               few nails in place]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         And out in the woods the boy steamed 
                         right ahead,
 
               making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head

                                     RABBITY
                         Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger 
                         I ever saw.
 
                                     MOUSEY
                         I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly 
                         suitable resting place, for the Son 
                         of our Lord.
 
                                     RACCOONY
                         Does this mean we can go to sleep now?
 
                         
                                     PORCUPINEY
                         My Son will have the nicest bed in all 
                         the forest.
 
                                     WOODPECKERY
                         Fit for a king!

                                     SQUIRRELY
                         This is going to be the best critter 
                         Christmas ever!
 
                                     WOODLAND CRITTERS
                         It's almost time when the time is here,
 
                         
               The time that's only once a year.

               We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near-

                                     STAN
                          All right, I'm going now 

                                     CRITTERS
                         The mountain lion! Hide! 

                                     STAN
                         Go away! Shoo! 

                                     SQUIRRELY
                         Is it gone?

                                     MOUSEY
                         I deduce it is.

                                     SKUNKY
                          I'm not c-c-comin' out.

                                     FOXY
                         Well, this is the end. The mountain 
                         lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, 
                         and he's gonna kill it again.
 
                                     STAN
                         Again?

                                     SQUIRRELY
                         Every Christmas the mountain lion comes 
                         down and eats the virgin critter impregnated 
                         with the Son of our Lord.
 
                                     PORCUPINEY
                         Oh dear, I'm so very afraid.

                                     BEAVERY
                          Let's face it. The mountain lion will 
                         never let our Savior be born.
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Awwww. 

                                     SQUIRRELY
                         Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. 
                         We've got Stanny!
 
                                     RACCOONY
                         Of course! Stanny can do anything! If 
                         he can build a manger, he can stop that 
                         mean ol' mountain lion!
 
                                     PORCUPINEY
                         Christmas is saved! 

               [The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance. 
               Dramatic music plays]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         High up in the forest on a dark, craggy 
                         peak,
 
               the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak.

               For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty 
               old cat...
 
                                     STAN
                         Goddamnit, this is fucking ridiculous!
 
                         
                                     NARRATOR
                         Said the little boy in the red poofball 
                         hat.
 
               [he looks at a cave entrance, then up at the peak]

               Killing the mountain lion was no easy task,

               but he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast. 

                                     STAN
                          Grrr. Grrr! Come on out!  Come on, 
                         critter killer! Your days of slaughtering 
                         innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! 
                          Rawrrrrr! 
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         In a flash it was over! A victorious 
                         blow!
 
               The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.

               [The cave entrance. Stan sees that the mountain lion is motionless 
               and approaches]
 
                                     STAN
                         Hokay, there. 

                                     MIDDLE CUB
                         Mommy? Mommy!  W... wake up, Mommy, 
                         wake up!
 
                                     PALE CUB
                         Don't leave us, Mommy.  Man-boy, why? 
                         Why did you kill our mommy? Why?
 
                                     STAN
                          I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth 
                         of a Savior? 
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         The tiny cubs all gathered together 
                         and cried,
 
               All alone in the world because their mother had died.

                                     STAN
                          Aw. Awww!

               [The forest floor, night. The critters have set up a campfire 
               close to the manger and are keeping warm by it.]
 
                                     PORCUPINEY
                          Oooo.

                                     BEARY
                         You all right, Lady Porcupiney?

                                     PORCUPINEY
                         Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all.
 
                         
                                     BEAVERY 
                         Well, it's been much too long now. Uh 
                         I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny 
                         must be very dead.
 
                                     FOXY
                         Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed 
                         him whole.
 
                                     RABBITY
                         I guess that means our Savior is gonna 
                         be made into Savior stew.
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Awwww.

                                     CHICKADEE-Y
                          Wait a minute, look! 

                                     CRITTERS
                         Stanny! 

                                     MOUSEY
                         Stanny, you're alive.

                                     BEARY
                         But, does that mean you killed the mountain 
                         lion?
 
                                     STAN
                         It's dead.

                                     DEERY
                         For real and for true?

                                     BEAVERY
                         Are you sure.

                                     STAN
                         I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.
 
                         
                                     SQUIRRELY
                         He did it! Now our critter Christmas 
                         can finally happen! Hail Satan!
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Hail Satan!

                                     STAN
                         Wait, wha-what?

                                     BEAVERY
                         You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! 
                         Without the mountain lion around, the 
                         Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the 
                         Antichrist!
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Yaaay Satan! 

                                     STAN
                         Waiwait, the Antichrist?? You said she 
                         was giving birth to your savior!
 
                                     SQUIRRELY
                         Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, 
                         Prince of Darkness.
 
                                     STAN
                         But I thought you meant the Son of God!
 
                         
                                     DEERY
                         Well, think about it: You really think 
                         God would have sex with a porcupine?
 
                         
                                     CHICKADEE-Y
                         No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness 
                         and King of all Evil would do that! 
                         Yay!
 
                                     FOXY
                         This just calls for a celebration! Let's 
                         sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!
 
                         
                                     RABBITY
                         Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!

               [the other critters cheer. Stan is frozen stunned as Beary pulls 
               up a satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. 
               The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped 
               up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a big knife. The 
               other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat 
               them raw]
 
                                     CHICKADEE-Y
                         Drink his blood! Drink his blood!

                                     SQUIRRELY
                          Blood orgy!!!

                                     CRITTERS
                         Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!

               [the critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin 
               the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, 
               Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hope onto 
               Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y flits around. In 
               the background is heard "Sting, so true!" Stan is traumatized 
               now.]
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         What special time and special day,
 
                         
               It's Woodland Critter Christmas.

                                     SQUIRRELY
                          Hail Satan.

               [The forest floor, night. The critters return to the manger and 
               decorate it. As the narrator speaks, the following takes place. 
               The star atop the manger is turned so it points down. Owls bring 
               flowers to the mountain lion's corpse. The lion cubs are shown, 
               then the mountain peak, then Stan is shown with his head buried 
               into his arms at his desk in his room]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas 
                         Eve morn,
 
               The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be 
               born.
 
               The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past,
 
               
               But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed.
 
               
               And meanwhile three lion cubs were crying away.

               For them there would certainly be no Christmas Day,

               And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat.
 
               
               All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat.
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Ugh.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Now that he'd killed the noble lion 
                         queen,
 
               there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed.

                                     STAN
                         Uuugh!

                                     NARRATOR
                         "I know!" he said with a new happy grin,
 
                         
               "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"
 
               
                                     STAN
                          No nonono.

                                     NARRATOR
                         He ran out the living room, turned out 
                         the light,
 
               and went back to the forest to set everything right!

               [Stan enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on 
               the TV. "The Jeffersons" theme song is heard.]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         ... and went back to the forest to set 
                         everything right!
 
               [Stan looks at the show, willfully ignoring the narrator]

               ... He tried to forget all about it by watching TV 

               [Stan tries to change channels, but the remote is broken]

               but his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did 
               flee.
 
               ... He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! 
 
               
               [Stan rolls his eyes]

               He knew in his heart the thing he had to do! 

                                     STAN
                         Leave me aLONE!!

                                     NARRATOR
                         He knew that only by going to the forest 
                         could he-
 
                                     STAN
                         All right all right all right!! God!! 
                         
 
               [The manger at the forest clearing, day. The animals continue 
               decorating]
 
                                     BEAVERY
                          Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, 
                         Stanny. 
 
                                     WOODPECKERY
                         Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time!
 
                         
                                     DEERY
                         Yeah. We've got a big problem.

                                     SQUIRRELY
                         The Great Satan has commanded that when 
                         the Antichrist is born, we must find 
                         a human host body to transfer it into.
 
                         
                                     CHICKADEE-Y
                         That way he could take over the whole 
                         world. The whole world!
 
                                     MOUSEY
                         The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic 
                         against Christ.
 
                                     BEAVERY
                         We figured you'd be perfect!

                                     CRITTERS
                         Yay!

                                     STAN
                         I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and 
                         my family's Christian!
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Awwwww.

                                     BEARY
                         But we got to have a human host body 
                         for the Antichrist.
 
                                     DEERY
                         Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critters 
                         C-Christmas after all.
 
                                     SQUIRRELY
                         Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can 
                         help us find non-baptized heathen human.
 
                         
                                     CHICKADEE-Y
                         Will you really, Stanny?

                                     STAN
                         No!! I'm not doing you anymore favors 
                         and I'm not letting you give birth to 
                         the Antichrist!  I came here to put 
                         a stop to all this!
 
                                     BEAVERY
                         To stop us?

                                     BEARY
                         But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop 
                         us, we'd have to use our evil satanic 
                         powers on ya.
 
                                     STAN
                         Right, whatever.  I'm taking down the 
                         manger I built.  Ah!  Aaaah!!  Aagh! 
                         Aaaahh!  AAAAAAAH!! AAAAAAAH!! 
 
                                     BEARY
                         Oh boy! Our satanic powers sure did 
                         the trick!
 
                                     CHICKADEE-Y
                         Our powers get stronger every day, get 
                         stronger every day!
 
                                     SQUIRRELY
                         Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can 
                         stop the birth of the Antichrist, except 
                         for a mountain lion.
 
                                     SKUNKY
                         And you got rid o'her.

                                     CRITTERS
                         Yay!

                                     NARRATOR
                         The boy shook with anger! He broke a 
                         sweat and fell ill
 
               When he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive 
               on the hill!
 
                                     STAN
                         Oh yeah.

               [The mountain peak, day. Stan climbs up to the cave again.]
 
               
                                     STAN
                         Hello? Anybody in there? 

                                     DARK CUB
                         Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy!
 
                         
                                     MEDIUM CUB
                         He's come to kill us now.

                                     LIGHT CUB
                         It's okay. I died inside when Mommy 
                         was killed anyways.
 
                                     DARK CUB
                         Yeah, better this than the slow death 
                         we'd face without a mother around.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The, 
                         the squirrel told me she was evil.
 
                         
                                     MEDIUM CUB
                         You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, 
                         you're not too smart, are you, mister?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I'm trying to make this all right again, 
                         but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping 
                         critters is a mountain lion!
 
                                     DARK CUB
                         Yeah, and you killed her.

                                     STAN
                         Well, you're mountain lions.

                                     LIGHT CUB
                         Us? No, we're just kids. We still have 
                         our baby teeth.
 
                                     MEDIUM CUB
                         And our baby claws.

                                     DARK CUB
                         And a dead mom.

                                     STAN
                         There still has to be a way for you 
                         to kill the porcupine's baby.
 
                                     DARK CUB
                         What? You mean like in an abortion?
 
                         
                                     LIGHT CUB
                         Yeah. An abortion. That can work.

                                     MEDIUM CUB
                         But, we don't know how to give abortions.
 
                         
                                     DARK CUB
                         Do you know some place we can learn, 
                         mister?
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         "Where can they learn that?" the boy 
                         said with a frown.
 
               "I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town."

                                     STAN
                          What?!

                                     NARRATOR
                         So he picked up the cubs and down the 
                         mountain he stormed.
 
               And took them to where abortions are performed.

                                     STAN
                         No, he didn't.

                                     NARRATOR
                         Yes he did.

                                     STAN
                         No, he didn't!

                                     NARRATOR
                         Yes he did.

                                     STAN
                         No, he didn't!!

                                     NARRATOR
                         Yes he  did!

                                     STAN
                         Aw Goddamnit! 

                                     NARRATOR
                         Said the boy in the red poofball hat! 
                         "We've made it already, little cubs! 
                         Fancy that!"
 
                                     DOCTOR
                          Excuse me, what are you doing here?!
 
                         
                                     NARRATOR
                         The abortion doctor inquired.

                                     DOCTOR
                         If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is 
                         required!
 
                                     STAN
                         I don't know, I, I'm supposed to show 
                         these mountain lions how an abortion 
                         is performed or something, I... I know, 
                         it'd ridiculous.
 
                                     DOCTOR
                         Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform!
 
                         
               It's only three days until Christmas, so I have LOTS of abortions 
               to perform!
 
               Gather around my table, cute little lions,

               I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!

                                     NARRATOR
                         And so the little boy and the cubs gathered 
                         around the chair base,
 
               And all day watched abortion after abortion take place.

               [Montage. The doctor puts on his gloves and the cubs peer into 
               the patient's vagina. Stan peers in as well, from a distance. 
               The doctor works away happily and cleans up well. The patient 
               leaves, and the next one is worked on. One of the cubs is on 
               a desk next to a bottled fetus. He hops off, knocking the bottle 
               off as well. The bottle pops open and the fetus falls out. Everyone 
               turns and sees the fetus on the floor, and laugh about it. The 
               doctor works on the next patient and the dark cub brings him 
               some forceps. The doctor smiles and strokes the cub's head. The 
               other two cubs snuggle up to the patient on her shoulders, and 
               she smiles at them]
 
                                     SINGER
                         Christmas time is once a year.

               Every critter holds it dear.

               Every animal big or small,

               Christmas means so much to us all.

               It's once a year, it's Christmastime!

               And it happens once a year.

               It's once a year, it's Christmastime!

               When we hear about how Christmas only comes

               Once a year.

                                     STAN
                         This better have a point, dude. This 
                         really better have a point.
 
               [The forest floor. The critters walk along singing their Christmas 
               tune]
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         It's almost time when the time is here,
 
                         
               The time that's only once a year.

                                     BEARY
                         Oh look. That little feller is all alone.
 
                         
                                     SKUNKY
                         Gee, he looks sad. 

                                     CRITTERS
                         Hi there!

                                     KYLE
                          What the hell?

                                     BEAVERY
                         How come you're all alone on Christmas 
                         Eve.
 
                                     KYLE
                         My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
 
                         
                                     RACCOONY
                         Aww, but why?

                                     KYLE
                         Well, because, we don't really ...believe 
                         in Jesus.
 
                                     CRITTERS
                          Yay!

                                     BEARY
                         But does that mean you aren't baptized?
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         No. I'm Jewish.

                                     CRITTERS
                          Yay! Yay! 

                                     BEAVERY
                         You've got to come with us!

                                     DEERY
                         You're perfect! Just pu-perfect!

                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     CRITTERS
                          Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo!

               What special time and special day,

               It's Woodland Critter Christmas.

                                     SQUIRRELY
                          Hail Satan.

               [The woods, night. The camera pans along]

                                     NARRATOR
                         Twas the night before Christmas, and 
                         above the woods, way up high,
 
               a new bright shiny star hung in the sky.

               [bright RED star. Stan walks into view]

               For the world to be saved there was only one shot.

               A little boy with three cubs, and an abortion plot. 

                                     STAN
                         Okay, come on, the critters are over 
                         this way. You mountain lions ready to 
                         stop the Antichrist from being born?
 
                         
                                     DARK CUB
                         Sure. We know how to give abortions 
                         now.
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         He arrived at the critter forest ready 
                         to fight,
 
               but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight.

               [the critters are in and around the manger looking at the new 
               baby, the Antichrist]
 
                                     BEAVERY
                         Guys, we did it!

                                     SQUIRRELY
                         The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' 
                         a thousand years of darkness to the 
                         forest. 
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         The Antichrist had been born, sealing 
                         the world's fate.
 
               The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late.

                                     STAN
                         Too late? The hell is that??

                                     BEAVERY
                         Oh. Hiya, Stanny!

                                     KYLE
                          Stan! Stan, what the hell is going 
                         on?!
 
                                     STAN
                         It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks 
                         ass!
 
                                     SKUNKY
                         Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist 
                         into our human host.
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Let's go! All right! Woohoo!

                                     STAN
                          That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness 
                         and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?! 
                         
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         When up in the sky the sound of sleigh 
                         bells were heard And a jolly red sleigh 
                         flew down to the earth like a bird!
 
                         
                                     BEAVERY
                         Wwow, look, there's Santa Claus!

                                     CRITTERS
                          Yay!

                                     SKUNKY
                         Let's eat his flesh! 

                                     SANTA
                          All right, what the hell is going on?! 
                         Why is there a red star glowing in the 
                         sky?!
 
                                     RACCOONY
                         We finally did it, Santa! We brought 
                         forth the Antichrist with help from 
                         our good friend, Stanny.
 
                                     SKUNKY
                         Death and pain await all living things.
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         LIttle boy, you should be ashamed!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I mean, I didn't mean to help them, 
                         I I tried to stop them!
 
                                     SANTA
                         Well good going, stupid! There's only 
                         one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! 
                         
 
                                     CRITTERS
                         Aaaaah! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude, what the? 

                                     SINGERS
                         Hold steady, Santa

               [Santa simply hops through it, gets into position, and fires 
               at Squirrely, blowing him to smithereens.]
 
                                     STAN
                          Come on, dude. 

                                     BEARY
                         Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill 
                         me, are you- 
 
                                     DARK CUB
                         But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist? 
                         
 
                                     SANTA
                         Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot 
                         survive without a human host body to 
                         go into.
 
                                     KYLE
                          No.  No, I want to have the Antichrist 
                         inside me!
 
                                     STAN
                         What? Kyle??

                                     KYLE
                          With his power, I can finally make 
                         the earth a better place for the Jews!
 
                         
                                     SANTA
                         Don't do it, Kyle! 

                                     STAN
                         Dude!!

                                     KYLE
                          Yes, yes!! Now the Jews will take control 
                         of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! 
                         HAAA!!
 
                                     KYLE
                          Oh, stop it, Cartman! 

               [Mr. Garrison's class, day. All the students are seated, and 
               they're taking turns telling Christmas stories. Cartman is telling 
               his now.]
 
                                     KYLE
                         Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't 
                         reading another sentence of your stupid 
                         story!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         I don't believe anyone interrupted YOU 
                         when you read your Christmas story aloud, 
                         Kyle. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         This whole time your stupid story was 
                         just a way to rip on me for being Jewish 
                         at Christmas again!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Mr. Garrison, could you do something, 
                         please?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated 
                         against, you'll have to stop or else 
                         I'll get a call from his mother.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          All right, fine! Forget it! 

                                     BUTTERS
                         Wwell but, but what happened?

                                     TOKEN
                         Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years 
                         of darkness or not?
 
                                     CLYDE
                         What happens to the lion cubs?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, I guess we'll never know, because 
                         Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No, it all worked out, right? The world 
                         was saved and I went home for Christmas 
                         dinner.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Dude, why do you care?!

                                     STAN
                         Well after all that I at least wanna 
                         know if I had a merry Christmas or if 
                         darkness rules the earth.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! 
                         I get killed by Santa Claus so that 
                         Christmas is saved!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's not at all what happens.

                                     BUTTERS
                         Aw well, come on. Let him read us the 
                         end.
 
                                     CLYDE
                         Yeah yeah, come on! 

                                     KYLE
                         All right, fine!

                                     CARTMAN
                          "Oh dear, my best friend is possessed! 
                         How about that?" said the little boy 
                         in the red poofball hat.
 
               [The spell is restored. Kyle is back on the altar exulting]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         HAHAHAA!! Now I shall rule the-  Aww. 
                         Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is 
                         on fire! Whoa. Oh, I don't like this! 
                          I didn't know it would feel so... dark 
                         and evil!
 
                                     STAN
                         Well what did you expect, dude? It's 
                         the son of the Devil.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh God, what have I done??  I'm sorry. 
                         Please, I don't wanna be the vessel 
                         for the Antichrist.
 
                                     SANTA
                          I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle! 
                         Santa's gonna have to kill you! 
 
                                     STAN
                         No Santa, don't!

                                     SANTA
                         We don't have a choice. In a few hours, 
                         the dark creature inside him will consume 
                         his soul.
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         The little boy fretted. He almost started 
                         to bawl
 
               But that's when he came up with the best idea of all.

               [Stan grins] 

                                     STAN
                         The lion cubs!

                                     NARRATOR
                         The little boy quickly begun,

                                     STAN
                         I took them to see how abortions are 
                         done. 
 
                                     SANTA
                         What??

                                     STAN
                         Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry 
                         up fast!
 
               Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass!

               [the cubs trot over to Kyle, who's on a makeshift delivery bed] 
               
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         And in the twinkling starlight, each 
                         little cub did their portion.
 
               They remember all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion.
 
               
               [The dark cub is deep in Kyle's ass, retrieving the Antichrist 
               with his teeth. He succeeds and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa 
               takes it and sets it down on a stump. Santa grabs a large mallet 
               next to the stump, raises it over his head, and bring it down 
               upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits with a loud THUD]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Thanks, everybody. I I'm sorry I got 
                         a little crazy there.
 
                                     SANTA
                         Well little boy, it seems that YOU  
                         have really been through a lot. Is there 
                         any special present you would like this 
                         year?
 
                                     STAN
                          Yeah. Yeah, there is.

               [The lions' cave. Santa arrives at the corpse of the mountain 
               lioness and moves his hand over it, releasing some magic dust 
               and watching it settle. The lioness stirs]
 
                                     MOTHER LION
                         Weh, ah my, what happened?

                                     A CUB
                          Mommy?

                                     THE CUBS
                         Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          Ogh, good.

               [Stan's house. He runs into his parents' arms as Shelley and 
               Grandpa look on. Next, they're all seated at table, eating. Next, 
               Stan and Shelley are opening their gifts]
 
                                     NARRATOR
                         And back home, there were presents, 
                         and lots of food to get fat.
 
               And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball 
               hat.
 
               [A shot of the town, receding from view]

                                     NARRATOR
                         And they all lived happily ever after. 
                         Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two 
                         weeks later. 
 
               The End

                                     KYLE
                          Goddamnit Cartman!

               THE END
                                     SINGERS
                         Christmastime is once a year

               Every creature holds it dear

               Every animal big or small

               Christmas means the world to us all

               It's once a year, it's Christmastime

               When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year.

Woodland Critter Christmas



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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