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                                     "SOUTH PARK"


                                      Episode 317


                            "WORLDWIDE RECORDER CONCERT"


                                      Written by 


                                     Trey Parker





               [A promo is the first thing shown. Live-action shots throughout]
 
               
                                     ANNOUNCER
                         This Saturday

               POX PRESENTS

               Pox presents the musical event of the new millennium!

               THE MUSICAL EVENT

               OF THE

               MILLENNIUM

               You all remember playing the recorder in elementary school! [a 
               recorder resting on a book of sheet music is shown] Well, this 
               Saturday in Oklahoma City [its skyline is shwn], over 4 million 
               third-grade students [a crowd of them is shown] from all over 
               the country [a school bus full of students is shown] will gather 
               in one place, and at the same time, play "My Country 'Tis Of 
               Thee"
 
               MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE

               on their recorders. [a girl is shown playing a white one] It's 
               the largest third-grade recorder concert ever! [An elderly man 
               instructs three students, one of them in a wheelchair] Special 
               guest conductor Yoko Ono [pictured] and woodwind virtuoso Kenny 
               G [pictured] will lead this fantastic event!
 
               THIS SATURDAY ON

               POX

                                     11
                         00/10:00 C

               This Saturday, at 11 Eastern / 10 Central, the world will be 
               watching! [close-up of a small boy playing his recorder]
 
               [South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. He rushes 
               to the front of the class and stands next to a pull-down screen 
               on which is projected "My Country 'Tis Of Thee"]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Okay children, we've still got some 
                         time to practice the song before we 
                         load up the bus and head out for Oklahoma.
 
                         
                                     CLASS
                         :	 Awww.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Now, come on, there's gonna be over 
                         4 million third-graders from all over 
                         the country there, and I wanna make 
                         sure South Park is the best! Okay?! 
                          Recorders up.  And a-1 and a-2 and 
                         a-  "...of liberty." You're late!  "...my 
                         father-" What the hell was that?!  God-damnit, 
                         I don't think you children have been 
                         working on your fingering!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That's not true, Mr. Garrison: Kyle 
                         was working on his fingering with his 
                         mom all night long.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Shut up, fatass!

                                     CARTMAN
                         Heh, heh. No, seriously. Kyle's mom 
                         says Kyle's getting really good at fingering, 
                         heh. 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Shut up, Eric! There's gonna be 4 million 
                         children playing this song at the same 
                         time on their recorders, and, so help 
                         me God, South Park Elementary is not 
                         gonna be the only ones that don't know 
                         the song! Try again! Recorders up.  
                         And a-1 and a-2 and a- 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay, that sounded great, kids. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock 
                         getting its neck broken.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay, kids. Uh, we have some news. 
                         Uh, there's been a terrible flood in 
                         Oklahoma, m'kay? So the 4-million-recorder-children's 
                         event is being moved to Arkansas.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Arkansas?

                                     STAN
                         What's Arkansas—is that a state?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Eh, the trip shouldn't take any longer, 
                         but I'll hand out these updated contact 
                         sheets so that your parents will know 
                         where you are, m'kay? 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you for a 
                         second?
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mr. Mackey, um... I can't go to Arkansas. 
                         Somebody's gonna have to fill in for 
                         me.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         What? We can't find anybody to fill 
                         in for you. Why can't you go to Arkansas?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Arkansas is where I grew up. My parents 
                         live there—my  ...father still lives there.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, don't you want to see them?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I haven't seen my father for 23 years.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, perhaps you should sit down, Mr. 
                         Garrison, m'kay?  Mr. Garrison, I know 
                         this is very difficult, m'kay, but I 
                         must ask: is there a history of sexual 
                         abuse in your family?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         ...Some, yes. There was my uncle, Richard. 
                         He... he molested me.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         When was that?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Saturday. Last, last Saturday. He's 
                         a paraplegic, but it didn't—
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay, eh, and your father? He molested 
                         you when you were a boy?  Mr. Garrison, 
                         I think, when we get to Arkansas, you 
                         need to see your father. You need to 
                         face this demon in your closet, m'kay?
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Don't look at me! Uh, y'all go on your 
                         bastard trip and just- don't look at 
                         me! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         That was pretty cool.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay.

               [The trip begins. The school bus and a moving van go east. They 
               pass the following signs]
 
               YOU ARE NOW

               LEAVING

               COLORADO

               YOU ARE NOW

               ENTERING

               KANSAS

               [Inside the bus, Mr. Mackey is up front reading a book, Mr. Garrison 
               is in the very back opposite Terrence and the redhead]
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Okay, how about this one, Kenny? 
 
                         
                                     KENNY
                         (Uh-uh.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         No? How about this? 

                                     KENNY
                         (Nope.)

                                     CARTMAN
                         Hm, interesting. Let's see: how about 
                         this? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         We're trying to find the brown noise—it's 
                         this one pitch, this certain frequency 
                         that makes people lose bowel control.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What's "lose bowel control?"

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's a scientific term for crapping 
                         your pants.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Oh, brother, here we go again. Cartman, 
                         there is not a sound frequency that 
                         makes people crap their pants!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Yes there is! The French experimented 
                         with it in World War II!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Nuh-uh!

                                     CARTMAN
                         How about this one, Kenny? 

                                     KENNY
                         (Nuh-uh.)

                                     KYLE
                         There is no brown noise, fat boy!

                                     CARTMAN
                         That's nice. When I find it I'll just 
                         make you crap yourself so you look like 
                         Karen Carpenter.
 
                                     STAN
                         Who's Karen Carpenter?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Aaaaaah!  Huhh, ohh, 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Mr. Garrison, are you alright?

                                     MR. HAT
                         Mr. Garrison isn't here right now.
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay-Mr. Garrison, you're just having 
                         a hard time dealing with the memories 
                         of your father's sexual abuse, so you 
                         switch personalities to Mr. Hat, m'kay?
 
                         
                                     MR. HAT
                         Oh, good one, Sherlock! You figure that 
                         out all by yourself?!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay-I think the best thing for Mr. 
                         Garrison to do is to go see his father
 
                         
                                     MR. HAT
                         No! No, you moron!  Mr. Garrison can't 
                         let the memories end! Just leave us 
                         alone!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay! Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk 
                         to Mr. Garrison, m'kay?!
 
                                     MR. HAT
                         Why would he want to talk to a second-rate 
                         dopey-ass elementary-school psychologist?!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         What did you say?!

                                     MR. HAT
                         You heard me, jackass! There's monkeys 
                         that make better counselors than you!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Why, you son of a bitch! 

                                     STAN
                         Whoa! Mr. Mackey and Mr. Hat are fighting. 
                         
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I'm gonna kick your ass, m'kay?! 

                                     STUDENTS
                          Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         BE QUIET BACK THERE!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Yuh-NO!  You may have won this time, 
                         Mr. Hat.
 
               [The journey continues. The school bus goes east. It passes the 
               following signs]
 
               Welcome to

               MISSOURI

               Welcome to

               ARKANSAS

               Yes! We are a state

               [The school bus and its passengers finally reach their destination 
               - a large lot filled with buses and tents, and children]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         M'kay, I want everyone to stay together, 
                         m'kay? Nobody move!
 
                                     COORDINATOR
                          School?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Excuse me?

                                     COORDINATOR
                         What school are you from?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh, uh we're from South Park, Colorado?
 
                         
                                     COORDINATOR
                         Ssss, alright. South Park school, you 
                         go over there next to the kids from 
                         New York.  Nono, don't put the Florida 
                         kids in the building! 
 
                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                          Ey! Look at the little eskimos in their 
                         freakin' hats and gloves.
 
                                     TOUGH GUY 2
                         Yeah, huh? 

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Whoa, look at this kid's coat.  Ey, 
                         kid. What's the matter—you a freakin' 
                         burn victim or somethin'? What? 
 
                                     KYLE
                          Who the hell are these guys?

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         I didn't know they was invitin' rednecks 
                         to this event!
 
                                     STAN
                         We're not rednecks!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! That's Texas, butthole!

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Oh yeah? Well, you look like a bunch 
                         of queefs to me, huh?! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                          Stan, what's a queef?

                                     KYLE
                         Kenny?

                                     KENNY
                         (I don't know!)

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Oh, brother! You guys don't even know 
                         what a queef is, huh?!
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Of course we know what a queef is, you 
                         queef!
 
                                     BLACK KID
                          Oh yeah? Well, what is it, then?!
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Aaaa-

                                     STAN
                         Why?! Don't you know?!

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Are all redneck queefs from Colorado 
                         as stupid as youse?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Alright, dickhole! 

                                     COORDINATOR
                          I need everyone's attention, please! 
                         We will now all be moving in an orderly 
                         fashion to our assigned hotels. Please 
                         follow your group leader to check in.
 
                         
                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                          Yeah see ya later, queefs! 

               [Roman Holiday Inn, night. The four boys share a room with two 
               beds. They sit amid stacks of books looking for information]
 
               
                                     KYLE
                         Ungh, I can't find the word "queef" 
                         anywhere! 
 
                                     STAN
                          Well keep looking! We gotta find out 
                         what it means before we see those New 
                         Yorker kids again!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, let's try the dictionary.  queasy, 
                         Quebec, queen quelch. No queef.
 
                                     STAN
                         Damnit! 

                                     CARTMAN
                          Hey, I found it, you guys! I found 
                         it!
 
                                     STAN
                         You did? 

                                     KYLE
                         What's it mean?! What's it mean?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you guys! Here it is, right here. 
                         "The brown noise."
 
                                     KYLE
                         Awwgh!

                                     STAN
                         Damnit Cartman, wha-?!

                                     CARTMAN
                         "An oscillation of sound that causes 
                         the bowels to loosen." See? That means 
                         crap your pants. "The brown noise is 
                         believed to be 92 cents below the lowest 
                         octave of Eb." What does that mean?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Who cares? We have to find out what 
                         queef means! Keep reading! 
 
               [Garrison's home town, night. He walks to his former home, his 
               parents' house, in the rain]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I can do this. I have to do this.  
                         Hello. Dad.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Oh, hello, son.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Can I ...come in?

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Ub. Sure, of course.  Your mom's out 
                         at Bridge Night. You want a beer or 
                         somethin'?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No. I don't think that will solve any 
                         of our problems, though you seem to 
                         think it did.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Uh, what?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I have a lot of demons that I need to 
                         face, father. I need to know some things.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Uh, okay, like what?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Alright, alright, let's just cut right 
                         to it!  I've come to ask you about the 
                         sexual abuse, dad!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         What??

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I have to know why! Right here and now—we're 
                         gonna talk about this!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         What the hell are you talking about?! 
                         I never sexually abused you!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I know! I wanna know why not?!

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         WHAT??

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Was it that I was ugly?!

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Oh, my God! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I wasn't good enough for you! Was that 
                         it, dad?!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Well, NO!! 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Sure, you can go off and screw any whore 
                         on Wyland Street, but when it came to 
                         your own son you were just too busy! 
                         
 
               [The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, next day. Looks like the 
               4 million kids are assembled]
 
                                     COORDINATOR
                          Alright, everyone, quiet please! There 
                         are over 4 million of you, so we must 
                         have quiet! At this time I would like 
                         to introduce the woman who is making 
                         this all possible, Yoko Ono! 
 
                                     YOKO ONO
                         Please ... "My Country 'Tis of Thee."
 
                         
                                     COORDINATOR
                         You heard her, We'll start the rehearsal 
                         in a few minutes.
 
                                     STAN
                         Those New Yorker kids are gonna be here 
                         any second, and we still don't know 
                         what queef means.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, we can still pre-tend like we 
                         know what it means.
 
                                     STAN
                         No, they'll catch on. Hey, wait a minute. 
                         I've got a great idea. Let's make up 
                         our own word. We can make up a word, 
                         and then use it, ...and then they'll act 
                         like they know it, and then we'll bust 
                         'em.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. That'll make 'em look stupid!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         What word could we make up?

                                     KYLE
                         How about... finkleroy?

                                     STAN
                         No, uhno, not finkleroy.

                                     CARTMAN
                         How about geebo, or, or mung?

                                     STAN
                         Yeah, mung.

                                     KYLE
                         Mung's good.

                                     STAN
                         Sh. Here they come. 

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Well hel-lo there, queefs. All bundled 
                         up nice and warm, are we?
 
                                     STAN
                         You know what you guys are? You guys 
                         are nothing but mung?
 
                                     TOUGH GUY 2
                         We're not mung. You're mung.

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, so you know what mung means, hunh?
 
                         
                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Of course we know what mung means!
 
                         
                                     ATHLETE
                         Yeah, D'ya think we wouldn't know what 
                         mung means? 
 
                                     STAN
                         We busted you!

                                     KYLE
                         Hyeh. Yeah. Mung isn't even a word! 
                         We made it up! 
 
                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         You guys are even stupider than I thought! 
                         Mung is so a word!
 
                                     STAN
                          It is?

                                     NEW YORKERS
                          Yeah. 

                                     ATHLETE
                         It sure is.

                                     NEW YORKER 1
                         Yeah.

                                     NEW YORKER 2
                         Uh huh. 

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Yeah! Mung is the stuff that comes out 
                         when you push down on a pregnant woman's 
                         stomach.
 
                                     KYLE
                          Eewww.

                                     STAN
                         Ooogh.

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         You guys didn't know that?  Come on, 
                         guys. Let's get away from these rednecks 
                         before we get redneckasitis, or somethin'! 
                         
 
                                     STAN
                         You dumbass, Cartman!

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah! Next time you make up a word, 
                         don't make up one that already exists!
 
                         
               [The Garrison residence, day. Momma Garrison and her son are 
               sipping coffee on the sofa]
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         It's so nice to see you, son. I'm so 
                         proud that you're part of the 4 Million 
                         Child Recorder Blow.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Yes. I hope it's okay if I stay here 
                         a few nights, Mother, I... I have some 
                         things I really need to talk to you 
                         about.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         About what?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Mother, did you know that ...Dad... never 
                         sexually molested me?
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         That... that can't be.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         He never did, Mom, not once.

                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                          That's not true! Your father loved 
                         you! Often!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          He never did, Mom! And I think you 
                         knew he never did!
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                          Nohoho! No! If I knew I would have 
                         made him do it!
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You stood by and let it happen! You 
                         saw him come home drunk and then just 
                         go right to sleep!
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         I'm not listening!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Face it, Mother. He never abused me! 
                         
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Uh, what's goin' on?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Mother won't hear the truth!

                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         He says you didn't molest him as a child!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Ah-I didn't! You knew I didn't!

                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         No! I didn't know!  I'm not listening!
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You can't close your eyes forever, Mother! 
                          Mother, wait! 
 
               [The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, later. Kenny G has joined 
               Yoko Ono and the coordinator onstage]
 
                                     YOKO ONO
                         Alright people, how many people has 
                         a copy. We must have-a practiced the 
                         ... song for the performance tomorrow, 
                         please.
 
                                     COORDINATOR
                         Okay, children. We need to play closer 
                         attention to the sheet music. Remember, 
                         if you get lost, just follow along with 
                         Mr. Kenny G here.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Hey, that's it, Kenny. Maybe Kenny G 
                         can show us where 92 cents below the 
                         lowest Eb is. Then we'll know the brown 
                         noise.
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Yeah.)

                                     YOKO ONO
                         And-a 1 ...  O-o-o-o. Stop! Stop ... That 
                         was-a terrifying! That was-a horrible! 
                         What's gotten into you?!
 
                                     KYLE
                         What the hell is that lady talking about?
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         I have no idea.

               [The Garrison gas station. Used to be Garrison and Son, but since 
               Mr. Garrison left, the "Son" has been crossed out. Mr. Mackey 
               walks up to Mr. Garrison Sr., who is changing the oil on a car 
               on blocks]
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Uh, Mr. Garrison, Sr.?

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Thuh, that's me.

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey. I'm your 
                         school counselor, m'kay.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                          What can I do for ya?

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh-I wanna talk to you about your son—I'm 
                         his n-therapist, m'kay.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Uh, brother! Look, I didn't sexually 
                         abuse my son when he was younger!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Eh, you didn't?

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         No! He's upset because I didn't molest 
                         him!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Oh. Hm. Uh, I guess that's a little 
                         different.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         A , yeah! He thinks if I don't molest 
                         him it means I don't love him.
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, now, uh, what's he supposed to 
                         think, Mr. Garrison? I mean, uh, look 
                         at all the media, all the magazine ads 
                         and televison ads talkin' about "sexual 
                         molestation", m'kay? He sees all that 
                         and assumes you didn't molest him because 
                         of some flaw in his looks or personality.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         I didn't do it because it's wrong!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         I know, I know, but I'm afraid this 
                         problem has run very deep through Mr. 
                         Garrison's mental state. I'm worried 
                         that if... you don't do womething, well 
                         it could kill him.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Hold on a second: are you actually suggesting 
                         that I have sex with my 41-year old 
                         son?!
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         There comes a time in every father's 
                         life when he must ask himself, "How 
                         far will I go to save my son's life?"
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Well, I won't have sex with him!

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Well, I've said all I can say.  I know 
                         it's difficult, but... family... is about 
                         compromises. m'kay?  Don't lose your 
                         son over this, Mr. Garrison.  Don't 
                         lose... your son, m'kay? 
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Am I the only sane person left on earth?!
 
                         
                                     REPORTER
                         Tomorrow the whole world will be tuning 
                         in as over 4 million children play "My 
                         Coutnry 'Tis Of Thee" on their recorders. 
                          It is by far the largest gathering 
                         of little plastic recorders in human 
                         history. Yoko Ono has...
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Well, Mom said I could sleep in the 
                         guest room tonight. Good night, Dad.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Good night. 

                                     REPORTER
                         Words to live by.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Guess I'll just... go on up to bed now.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Uh huh.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Now, I don't really have any pajamas—guess 
                         I'll just... sleep in my boxers or something.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                          Should be fine.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Uh I'll leave the door open a little 
                         in case you ...need to see me about anything.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Won't be necessary.

                                     MR. GARRISON
                          I'll just... be going up to bed now. 
                          Gueh... guess maybe I won't even uhwear 
                         those boxers.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         I'm not going to molest you!

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         You don't love me!  I wanna die!

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         God-damnit! 

               [Roman Holiday Inn, night.]

                                     STAN
                         I wish we could find a way to get back 
                         at those New Yorker kids.
 
                                     KYLE
                         Yeah. They think they're so cool.

                                     CARTMAN
                          You guys! You guys! We found it! We 
                         found it, you guys!
 
                                     KYLE
                         Calm down, Cartman.

                                     STAN
                         You found what?

                                     CARTMAN
                         The brown noise! Kenny and me found 
                         the brown noise! Here, look! Look.  
                         There, okay. Let's see here.  Right 
                         there. Okay. Okay. Ready, Kenny?
 
                                     KENNY
                         (Ready.)  (Oh,  shiiit. Damnit! Cartman, 
                         I've got to go to the bathroom!) 
 
                         
                                     STAN
                          No way.

                                     KYLE
                          I don't believe it!

                                     CARTMAN
                          Um, seriously, you guys! Come on, watch. 
                          Okay. 
 
                                     DELIVERY MAN
                          Whoa- Oh, my God!  Aaww, I crapped 
                         my pants! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         That's amazing.

                                     CARTMAN
                         I told you guys!

                                     STAN
                          Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         That they should bring back Chicago 
                         Hope for another season? Totally.
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         No! That we could use the brown noise 
                         to get back at those asshole New Yorker 
                         kids.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Ooooh.

                                     KYLE
                         Yeah, dude!

                                     CARTMAN
                         They should bring back another season 
                         of Chicago Hope though, seriously.
 
                         
               ARKANSAS BAR

               Cool BEER in HERE

               [Night. Mr. Garrison Sr. sits by himself at the bar sipping a 
               glass of beer while others around him chatter. A man in blue 
               shirt approaches him]
 
                                     PATRON 1
                         Ey, what's the matter there, Garrison? 
                         You look kinda sad.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Well, I'm having some troubles at home.
 
                         
                                     PATRON 1
                         Well, come on. Tell us about it. We 
                         always help each other out, don't we, 
                         fellas?
 
                                     PATRON 2
                          Yeah.

                                     PATRON 3
                          Yeah, that's right.

                                     PATRON 1
                         Yeah.

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         All right. It's just that... I mean... We're 
                         all family men here, right?
 
                                     PATRON 2
                         Sure!

                                     PATRON 3
                         Yeah we are!

                                     BLOND
                          I am. I know that.

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Well, can I ask you guys a difficult 
                         question?
 
                                     PATRON 1
                         Absolutely.

                                     PATRON 2
                         Of course.

                                     PATRON 4
                         Yeah, man.

                                     PATRON 5
                         Come on, Garrison!

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Alright. Would you have sex with your 
                         son to save his life? 
 
                                     PATRON 2
                         ...Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, 
                         ain't it?
 
                                     PATRON 1
                         Nono, I got a better one: Would you 
                         have sex with your mother... to save your 
                         father's life?
 
                                     PATRONS
                          Wooo, yeah.

                                     PATRON 2
                         Oh, like if someone had a gun to your 
                         father's head and said, "Have sex with 
                         your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
 
                         
                                     PATRON 1
                         Yeah.

                                     PATRON 2
                         Oh, that's a tough one.

                                     PATRON 3
                         Hmmm.

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
 
                         
                                     BLOND
                         How about if someone made you have sex 
                         with your mother and father to save 
                         your own life?
 
                                     PATRONS
                         No, no, no way. No.

                                     PATRON 6
                         But if it was to save my mother's life, 
                         uh-I think I would have to have sex 
                         with my father.
 
                                     PATRON 7
                         Yeup.

                                     PATRON 8
                         Me, too.

                                     PATRON 9
                         Well, I think that goes without saying.
 
                         
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Weh actually, I'm just... talking about 
                         a... son.
 
                                     PATRON 8
                         Well, pesonally, I would have sex with 
                         my son to save to save my mother's life. 
                         It depends, uh- how big a gun are we 
                         talkin' here?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Uh, he doesn't have a gun.

                                     BLOND
                         The father doesn't have a gun?

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         No! Nobody's got a gun!

                                     PATRON 3
                         I think if someone said, "Have sex with 
                         your mother or else I'm gonna kill your 
                         son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't 
                         do it
 
                                     PATRON 2
                         He could have a knife, though.

                                     PATRON 1
                         Yeah.

                                     PATRON 3
                         Sure.

                                     PATRON 1
                         Yeah, a knife.

                                     BARTENDER
                         If a killer put a knife to my throat, 
                         and said, "Have sex with your father 
                         or else I'm gonna kill your mother while 
                         having sex with you," ...I would have 
                         sex with myself.
 
                                     PATRON 1
                         ...Yeah, I would 

                                     PATRON 2
                         That's right.

                                     PATRON 3
                         Uh huh.

                                     BARTENDER
                         That makes sense.

                                     PATRON 10
                         Mm-hm.

                                     PATRON 1
                         Wasn't that right?

                                     PATRON 3
                         Mm, See?

               [Roman Holiday Inn, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are back in 
               their room reading the sheet music]
 
                                     STAN
                         Howdo we write he note, Cartman?

                                     CARTMAN
                         Lowest Eb, let's see. I think it looks 
                         like this. 
 
                                     STAN
                         Alright. Now all we do is wipe out the 
                         last note on their sheet music, and 
                         change it to the note Cartman played. 
                          Come on.  There.  That should do it.
 
                         
                                     CARTMAN
                         Sweet. I can't wait to see them crap 
                         their pants infront of everybody, you 
                         guys.
 
                                     STAN
                         Okay, let's get back to the room. 
 
                         
                                     COORDINATOR
                          What's this??  "Revised Music for Tomorrow"?? 
                         Chip, did you get revised music for 
                         tomorrow??
 
                                     CHIP
                         What??

                                     COORDINATOR
                         Ms. Ono has made revisions again! We've 
                         got to get these copied 4 million times 
                         and make the revisions to the projected 
                         music! Come on! Hurry! 
 
               [The Garrison residence, later. Mr. Garrison is asleep in the 
               guest room, which used to be his room. The back door rustles 
               and he wakes up. Footsteps are heard]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Dad?  Pop, I'm just fast asleep—I'm 
                         not hearing anything. 
 
               [The Garrison residence, later. Exterior shot. Energetic motion 
               is heard inside]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Oh! Oh! Oh, Dad! Oh, goodness gracious, 
                         uh! Oh, stop Dad, stop! Whahawah, whah, 
                         how could you-hoo?!
 
               [The Garrison residence, morning. Mr. Garrison is at the front 
               door with his luggage]
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                          Well, Mom, Dad, I guess I'd better 
                         be going. The concert is gonna start 
                         soon.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         Are you sure you can't stay one more 
                         night, son?
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         No, I... think all my work here is done. 
                         Dad, I... don't know what to say; I feel 
                         closer to you than I ever have.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         Well, I just hope that NOW we can put 
                         the past behind us and, and try to be 
                         a normal family again.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         We sure can! Well, I've got a worldwide-telecast 
                         recerder concert to get to.
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         We'll be watching on TV. Make us proud, 
                         son.
 
                                     MR. GARRISON
                         I will.  Good-bye, Mom! Good-bye, Dad! 
                          Gray skies are gonna clear up; put 
                         on a happy face...
 
                                     MRS. GARRISON SR.
                         You did the right thing, Poppa.

                                     MR. GARRISON SR.
                         I didn't do squat!  Here you go, a hundred 
                         bucks. 
 
               Kenny G.	Oh, that's okay. Keep your money. Thanks. [walks out 
               and away]
 
               [The concert is introduced. Live-action shots throughout]

               POX PRESENTS

               THE MUSICAL EVENT

               OF THE

               MILLENNIUM

                                     ANNOUNCER
                         Live, from Oklahoma City!  Four million 
                         third-grade students  from all over 
                         the country  playing "My Country 'Tis 
                         Of Thee" on their recorders...
 
               MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE

               special.

               [The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, concert day. The 4 million 
               are assembled. Yoko Ono and Kenny G take the stage]
 
                                     STAN
                         Dude, I can't wait 'til those New Yorker 
                         kids play the brown noise and crap their 
                         pants.
 
                                     KYLE
                         We have to watch them! We can't miss 
                         it!
 
                                     KENNY G
                         Are we all ready to play?  Thanks. Okay. 
                          Let's see the music! 
 
                                     KYLE
                         This is gonna be sweet!

                                     STAN
                         Oh no, dude. Look!  It's the music we 
                         changed! 
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Uh-oh. 

                                     KYLE
                         Dude, if 4 million people play the brown 
                         noise at the same time-
 
                                     YOKO ONO
                         One, two, sign paytah. 

                                     STAN
                         Stop! Stop! 

                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                         Uh, aren't those our boys?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Oh, no. What are they doing?

               [The kids play the brown noise, Kenny G and Yoko Ono double over 
               in pain. The camera zooms out for a view of the state of Arkansas, 
               then of North America, as people begin to groan. Shots of Beijing 
               and Paris follow, with their citizens grabbing their asses in 
               pain. A shot of Earth follows, then static. New York City is 
               then shown in flames. An ambulance speeds by as people scream]
 
               
                                     REPORTER
                          Tom, I'm standing in New York City, 
                         but it could just as well be any town 
                         on Earth right now. The desolation, 
                         the damage is exactly the same in every 
                         city the whole world over. It's been 
                         just under 20 hours since everyone on 
                         Earth pooped their pants, and people 
                         still roam their damaged homes with 
                         disbelief, and loss. Rick?
 
                                     RICK
                          Alan, I'm standing at ground zero. 
                         Here, the damage is greater than anywhere. 
                          Like the rest of the world, everyone 
                         here has crapped their pants. Some  
                         crapped themselves to death. And still 
                         others ...ruined perfectly good pairs 
                         of pants. A nation mourns and tries 
                         to rebuild, but the big question that 
                         remains is, "How did this happen?" 
 
                         
                                     KENNY G.
                         Well, I see. Other than making everyone 
                         in the world crap their pants, our event 
                         went over eally well.
 
                                     YOKO ONO
                         Wery well?! Wery well?! You're gonna 
                         be on Ricki Lake, I tell you again! 
                         Look at ??? is she doing very well?!
 
                         
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Alright, come on, everybody. We've 
                         got a long bus ride back to Colorado, 
                         m'kay? 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Well, that whole experience sure did 
                         suck.
 
                                     STAN
                         Yeah, but you know? I learned something 
                         today. We were so worried about how 
                         cool we looked to those New Yorker kids 
                         that we forgot: we're already totally 
                         cool, even if we don't know what queef 
                         means. 
 
                                     COUNSELOR MACKEY
                          Uh, queef is a vaginal expulsion of 
                         gas, m'kay. 
 
                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                          Here they are!

                                     TOUGH GUY 2
                         Yeah!

                                     STAN
                          Oh, brother. Let's just get out of 
                         here.
 
                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Ey! Not so fast! We know it was you 
                         guys that changed the music and made 
                         everyone on Earth crap their pants!
 
                         
                                     STAN
                         Uuuuh

                                     TOUGH GUY 2
                         Yeah, we knows all about it!

                                     KYLE
                         Oh, no!

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Yeah. Me and the guys, well we was talking, 
                         and well, well we just want you to know 
                         that we think you're pretty cool.
 
                         
                                     KYLE
                         Huh?

                                     STAN
                         You do?

                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Sure. I mean, everyone on Earth shit 
                         themselves 'cause of you. And that's 
                         pretty cool. I mean, that's pretty amazing!
 
                         
                                     TOUGH GUY 2
                         Yeah, we was wrong about you guys. We're 
                         sorry.
 
                                     CARTMAN
                         Well, that's fine, that's fine. Next 
                         time, just remember that we're all pretty 
                         cool on the Westside, too, if you know 
                         what I'm saying, 'kay?
 
                                     TOUGH GUY 1
                         Yeah. See you guys later. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Coem on, boys. You're holdin' up the 
                         bus.  Oh, wow, look. It's Kenny G himself. 
                         Thank you for a wonderful concert, Mr. 
                         G.
 
                                     KENNY G
                         Huhuh, good- good-bye. 

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         M-m-m.  Oh, well, thank you!  You know, 
                         it's funny: you kiss just like my dad. 
                          Well, Ms. Crabtree, this certainly 
                         has been a great trip. Let's head home.
 
                         
                                     MS. CRABTREE
                         Which way should we go?

                                     MR. GARRISON
                         Second star to the right, and straight 
                         on 'til morning. 
 
               [End of Worldwide Recorder Concert]

Worldwide Recorder Concert



Writers :   Trey Parker
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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