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                                      STARGATE SG1

                                      Episode 815

                                     "CITIZEN JOE"

                                           By

                                    Damian Kindler


                                     Transcribed by 
 
                                    Callie Sullivan



               JACK’S HOUSE. Jack comes in with a couple of bags of shopping 
               in one hand and his cellphone in the other. He’s talking to Sam 
               on the phone.
 
                                     CARTER
                         How about Monday morning?

                                     O’NEILL
                         No, I have a thing with someone from 
                         CIA, a Johnson someone or other. It’s 
                         about that whole Kinsey thing.
 
                                     CARTER
                         So, any big plans for the weekend?
 
                         
                                     O’NEILL
                         Oh yeah. Big. Huge!

               (We see that Sam is at SGC, using one of the phones in a corridor.)
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Yeah, me neither.

                                     O’NEILL
                         What are you talkin’ about? I just walked 
                         in with a whole handful of ingredients 
                         for my world-famous omelette.
 
                                     CARTER
                         World-famous, huh? What’s in it?

                                     O’NEILL
                         Eggs.

                                     CARTER
                         I don’t think that that actually qualifies 
                         as a recipe.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Oh, don’t kid yourself. There’s a secret 
                         ingredient. I can’t tell you what it 
                         is or I’d have to shoot you.
 
                                     CARTER
                         It’s beer, isn’t it?

                                     O’NEILL
                         Carter ...

               (At that moment, a middle-aged man bursts through the kitchen 
               door, pointing a pistol at Jack.)
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         ... let me call you back.

                                     CARTER
                         I knew it!

               (She hangs up. In the kitchen, Jack looks at the man, whose hand 
               is shaking as he points the gun.)
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Hullo.

                                     MAN
                         You’re Jack O’Neill.

                                     O’NEILL
                         Yes. Here’s a better question: who are 
                         you?
 
                                     MAN
                         It doesn’t matter - to anyone. All you 
                         need to know is (his voice breaks and 
                         he speaks tearfully) you ruined my life.
 
                         
               
               SEVEN YEARS AGO.

               The man, Joe, and his wife Charlene are browsing around a garage 
               sale.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         We should have gotten here earlier, 
                         when the real deals were still available.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Honey, it’s seven a.m.!

                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe, start over there and see if you 
                         can find a lamp that would work in the 
                         TV room. (As Joe heads in the direction 
                         she pointed, she spots something else.) 
                         Oh, my lord, look! They have those old 
                         English tea tins!
 
               (Joe wanders around the sale, looking at various things, opening 
               a small booklet, then putting it down again. Then he sees a small 
               statue of a woman holding a basket. Lying in the basket is a 
               small black stone with some markings on it. Curious, he picks 
               up the stone. As he holds it and looks at it, he suddenly stares 
               upwards in surprise as he gets a vision of the Stargate kawhooshing. 
               The vision continues ...)
 
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP”. SG-1 are in the Control 
               Room, having sealed off the area and then dialled out against 
               orders.
 
                                     VOICE OVER TANNOY
                         Security breached.

                                     DANIEL
                         They just got Corridor C-9 open.

                                     O’NEILL
                         Alright, let’s go.

               (The team run into the Gateroom and through the Gate. We see 
               wormhole travel, then the vision ends.)
 
               
               GARAGE SALE. Joe blinks, then turns around to the man who is 
               running the sale.
 
                                     JOE
                         Excuse me. (He points to the stone.) 
                         How much?
 
               
               A BARBERSHOP called STYLIN’ JOE. Joe, who is obviously the head 
               barber and owns the shop, is cutting a man’s hair. Nearby sit 
               his colleague Bert and their young assistant Gordie.
 
                                     JOE
                         So, there’s this fella who walks into 
                         a bar and he sees an ape sitting there 
                         ... sorry, no. He sees a gorilla. That’s 
                         it, right! There’s this gorilla sitting 
                         there drinking a coke. So he says to 
                         the bartender, “Hey! What’s with that 
                         gorilla drinking that drink?” Well, 
                         the bartender says, “Yeah, that ape 
                         usually orders a coke!” (Bert and Gordie 
                         look at him blankly.) I mean “a beer” 
                         - “usually orders a beer.”
 
                                     BERT
                         Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla, cos 
                         they’re completely different species, 
                         you know?
 
                                     JOE
                         It doesn’t matter. It could be a monkey. 
                         The point is ...
 
                                     CUSTOMER
                         The point is, Joe, it’s a good thing 
                         you can cut hair!
 
               (Everyone chuckles.)

                                     JOE
                         Yeah, yeah, very good, Fred.

                                     FRED
                         Are we about done here?

                                     JOE
                         All set. (He finishes brushing the cut 
                         hair off Fred’s robe, then whisks the 
                         robe off him.)
 
                                     FRED
                         Cos someone, somewhere out there, needs 
                         themselves a new car - whether they 
                         know it or not, you know what I mean?! 
                         (He takes some money out of his pocket, 
                         then raises his hands in front of him.) 
                         I feel the power to sell moving through 
                         me today! (He tucks the money into Joe’s 
                         shirt pocket.) Boys, been a slice.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Thanks, Fred.

                                     BERT
                         See you, Fred.

               (Fred leaves the barbershop. Joe reaches into his shirt pocket 
               for the money, and has another vision.)
 
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP”. In the Gateroom on 
               the Goa’uld mothership, SG-1 are in hiding. Jaffa soldiers, priests 
               and priestesses turn to face the sarcophagus in the middle of 
               the room. Apophis’ voice can be heard.
 
                                     APOPHIS
                         Bow down now. Show your reverence for 
                         my son - (Klorel stands in the sarcophagus 
                         as everyone bows before him) the mighty 
                         warrior, Klorel.
 
                                     KLOREL
                         Kel, Apophis.

               
               In the barbershop, Joe looks startled. He looks round the shop 
               and sees Gordie sweeping up hair as if nothing unusual has happened. 
               Joe pulls his fingers out of his shirt pocket to find himself 
               holding the stone he bought at the garage sale.
 
               
               JOE’S HOUSE. Joe, Charlene and their young son Andy are sitting 
               down to dinner.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Oh, we are reading the best book in 
                         Book Club this week. It’s called “The 
                         Heart of a Woman”. It is such a powerful 
                         story! Oh, every time I think about 
                         it, I just ...
 
                                     JOE
                         Wanna hear a story?

                                     CHARLENE
                         Oh, sure, dear. I’m sorry - what happened 
                         to you today at the shop?
 
                                     JOE
                         No, it’s not work-related. I have a 
                         story!
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         What do you mean?

                                     JOE
                         You know, like in those books you read, 
                         only ... different.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         OK, sure.

                                     JOE
                         It’s about a team of adventurers known 
                         as SG-1. They travel to other planets 
                         through an alien device known as a Stargate. 
                         Their leader is the fearless Colonel 
                         Jack ...
 
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP”.

                                     TEAL’C
                         O’Neill, prepare yourself for ...

               (The mothership decelerates, and Jack is thrown forward and crashes 
               into the control console.)
 
                                     TEAL’C
                         ... extreme deceleration.

                                     O’NEILL
                         Yeah, thanks, Teal’c! (He stands up 
                         and looks out of the front viewscreen. 
                         His face shows shock as he realises 
                         that the mothership is passing Saturn.)
 
                         
                                     KLOREL
                         You will get to see your home one last 
                         time before you and everyone on your 
                         planet are destroyed, and your kind 
                         will disturb the Goa’uld no more.
 
                         
               
               JOE’S KITCHEN.

                                     ANDY
                         So who are the Goa’uld again?

                                     JOE
                         The bad guys.

                                     CHARLENE
                         And this Skaara character?

                                     ANDY
                         Yeah - I thought you said his name was 
                         Klorel?
 
                                     JOE
                         I know it’s a little complicated. Just 
                         wait - I haven’t gotten to the good 
                         part yet!
 
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP”. Klorel is holding 
               Daniel in the grip of a ribbon device. Jack aims a pistol at 
               him.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Skaara!

               (Klorel continues blasting Daniel. With no choice, Jack shoots 
               Skaara twice. He drops to the ground. Daniel breathes shakily, 
               trying to pull himself together. Jack runs over to Skaara and 
               turns him over onto his back.)
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Oh, Skaara. I’m sorry.

               
                                     ANDY
                         That’s it?!

                                     JOE
                         I think so - for now, anyways.

                                     ANDY
                         What happens to Earth?

                                     JOE
                         I don’t know ... I mean, uh, I-I haven’t 
                         figured that part out yet.
 
                                     ANDY
                         Well, you gotta finish it, Dad, you 
                         can’t just end a story in the middle.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         I tell you what - you get all your chores 
                         done and I’ll finish the story tomorrow.
 
                         
                                     ANDY
                         Chores?! What are we, Amish?!

                                     CHARLENE
                         Andy!

                                     JOE
                         Go do your homework.

               (Andy leaves the table.)

                                     CHARLENE
                         He’s gotten so precocious.

                                     JOE
                         You hated it, didn’t you?

                                     CHARLENE
                         Well, you know I’m not the biggest science 
                         fiction fan, but no, no, it was ... 
                         it was just so ... detailed. How’d you 
                         come up with it?
 
                                     JOE
                         Honestly, I don’t know, I ... it just 
                         sort of popped into my head.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         That’s amazing, really.

                                     JOE
                         What didn’t you like about it?

                                     CHARLENE
                         Don’t get me wrong - it was exciting. 
                         It’s just that personally I like stories 
                         that are more about inter-personal relations, 
                         and a little less to do with things 
                         blowing up.
 
               
               BARBERSHOP. The next day.

                                     JOE
                         A giant fireball in the night sky! (He 
                         gestures dramatically. Bert and Gordie 
                         try to look politely interested.)
 
                         
                                     FRED
                         You say these folks are a military unit?
 
                         
               (Fred is lying back in the barber’s chair with his face covered 
               in shaving cream. Joe is holding a cut-throat razor.)
 
                                     JOE
                         Yeah - they’re part of the US Air Force.
 
                         
                                     FRED
                         But they travel to other planets?

                                     JOE
                         Through the Stargate.

                                     GORDIE
                         Which is a time-travel machine.

                                     JOE
                         It’s an alien device that creates a 
                         stable wormhole allowing instantaneous 
                         travel to other worlds. Time has nothing 
                         to do with it.
 
               (Bert raises his hand.)

                                     BERT
                         Boss - a question. Uh, these Goold ...
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Goa’uld.

                                     BERT
                         Goa’oo ...

                                     JOE
                         Goa’uld.

                                     BERT
                         Never mind. The bad guys. You said they’ve 
                         got snakes in their heads?
 
                                     JOE
                         Symbionts, yes.

                                     GORDIE
                         And what about the fellows with the 
                         ones in their bellies?
 
                                     JOE
                         They’re different - they’re called Jaffa. 
                         They incubate the symbionts until they’re 
                         ready for implantation. (He gestures 
                         to his head.)
 
                                     FRED
                         Now, you see, Joe, that’s confusing.
 
                         
                                     BERT
                         He’s right, boss. Why can’t there be 
                         just one kind of bad guy, you know, 
                         the snake goes in their head, makes 
                         them evil, the end.
 
                                     FRED
                         Call ‘em the snake people!

                                     GORDIE
                         Yeah, snake people’s good.

                                     BERT
                         Yeah.

                                     JOE
                         They’re not called the snake people! 
                         They’re called the Goa’uld! And the 
                         Jaffa aren’t bad guys - they’re enslaved 
                         warriors who mistakenly believe that 
                         the Goa’uld are their gods. And it’s 
                         not confusing - it’s complex!
 
               (All through this rant, he is waving his cut-throat razor around. 
               Fred watches it nervously. As Joe finishes his tirade, he realises 
               that everyone is staring at him. He looks down and realises how 
               close he is holding the razor to Fred’s face.)
 
                                     FRED
                         Uh - edge of my seat, the whole time!
 
                         
               
               JOE’S HOUSE. Joe is on the phone. A man answers.

                                     OPERATOR
                         United States Air Force - how may I 
                         direct your call?
 
                                     JOE
                         Uh, hi. I’m trying to reach one of your 
                         officers: a Colonel Jack O’Neill, two 
                         els?
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         May I have your name, please, and the 
                         nature of your call?
 
                                     JOE
                         My name?

                                     OPERATOR
                         Yes, please.

                                     JOE
                         Uh, right, right, of course! Uh, my 
                         name is Joe ... Smith. Now, listen, 
                         I realise Colonel O’Neill is probably 
                         unavailable, off on some important mission 
                         somewhere, but ... I know this is an 
                         odd request, I mean, I don’t know if 
                         you know Colonel O’Neill personally 
                         but ... could you describe him to me, 
                         you know - height, weight, shoe size, 
                         sense of humour, that sort of thing?
 
                         
                                     OPERATOR
                         Uh, I really can’t do that, sir.

                                     JOE
                         Oh, of course, sure - national security. 
                         Now, am I understanding correctly that 
                         there really is a Colonel Jack O’Neill 
                         in the Air Force?
 
                                     OPERATOR
                         Is there a message you would like to 
                         leave for him, sir?
 
                                     JOE
                         That’s fine, thank you! (He hangs up 
                         quickly, then stares in shock at the 
                         possibility that Jack O’Neill really 
                         does exist.)
 
               
               ANDY’S BEDROOM. Andy is in bed. Joe is sitting on the bed telling 
               him a bedtime story.
 
                                     JOE
                         So, in the end, Rya’c was freed from 
                         Apophis’ control. Teal’c, Drey’auc and 
                         Rya’c were once again a family.
 
                                     ANDY
                         But Teal’c is still going back to Stargate 
                         Command to fight for the freedom of 
                         the Jaffa.
 
                                     JOE
                         Yes, of course! He’s going to take Drey’auc 
                         and Rya’c to a place where they’ll be 
                         safe.
 
                                     ANDY
                         So the Goa’uld won’t plant more bombs 
                         in Rya’c’s teeth?
 
                                     JOE
                         That’s right. Now, go to sleep. (He 
                         leans down and kisses Andy.)
 
                                     ANDY
                         Cool story, Dad! (He settles down to 
                         sleep. Joe smiles fondly at him, turns 
                         the light off and leaves the room.)
 
                         
               
               LIVING ROOM. Joe is watching a basketball game on the TV. Charlene 
               sits nearby reading a book. She looks up.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe, where do you get these ideas you’ve 
                         had lately?
 
                                     JOE
                         I don’t know.

                                     CHARLENE
                         Fully-formed ideas, plots, characters, 
                         just like that? They just appear in 
                         your head?
 
                                     JOE
                         Basically.

               (Charlene picks up the remote control and turns the TV off. She 
               gets off the sofa, walks over to sit on the footstool in front 
               of Joe and stares at him.)
 
                                     JOE
                         Why are you looking at me like that?
 
                         
                                     CHARLENE
                         I think you’ve gotten in touch with 
                         your dormant creativity; accessed your 
                         wellspring of imagination.
 
                                     JOE
                         What?!

                                     CHARLENE
                         I’ve read about this happening to other 
                         people. You’re opening yourself up to 
                         your inner muse.
 
                                     JOE
                         My inner muse?!

                                     CHARLENE
                         It’s your mid-life crisis.

                                     JOE
                         It is?

                                     CHARLENE
                         Except instead of chasing your youth 
                         by buying a sports car or going hang 
                         gliding, you’re seeking immortality 
                         through creativity.
 
                                     JOE
                         We can’t afford a sports car.

                                     CHARLENE
                         Honey, it’s a good thing, especially 
                         if it means you’re not gonna have an 
                         affair with a younger woman. (She turns 
                         the TV back on again and goes back to 
                         the sofa.)
 
               
               SIX YEARS AGO.

               STYLIN’ JOE. Joe is cutting a customer’s hair while Bert sits 
               in another chair with a newspaper. Gordie is sweeping up.
 
                                     BERT
                         Wait a second, wait a second - you said 
                         Teal’c put his face up to that head-grabber 
                         thing before O’Neill. Why didn’t he 
                         get grabbed first?
 
                                     JOE
                         Guys, I told you - save your questions 
                         until I finish. Now, what was left of 
                         Colonel O’Neill’s mind managed to dial 
                         a Gate address ... one they had never 
                         dialled before.
 
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “THE FIFTH RACE”. Jack flies through the Gate on 
               the Asgard homeworld and rolls down the steps. He looks round 
               and sees two Asgard standing nearby.
 
               
               STYLIN’ JOE.

                                     BERT
                         The Asgard? Those little grey guys, 
                         right.
 
                                     GORDIE
                         Shut up and let him finish, Bert!

               
               FOOTAGE FROM “THE FIFTH RACE”. Jack squats down in front of the 
               Asgard.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         ... and I don’t want to sound ungrateful 
                         because I really, really appreciate 
                         you getting all that stuff out of my 
                         head. But you folks should understand 
                         that we’re out there now. We might not 
                         be ready for a lot of this stuff but 
                         we’re doin’ the best we can.
 
               (One of the Asgard offers its hand. Jack gently takes it.)

                                     ASGARD
                         You have already taken the first steps 
                         towards becoming the fifth race.
 
               
               STYLIN’ JOE.

                                     BERT
                         Well, what about the Furlings? Are we 
                         ever gonna hear about them?
 
                                     JOE
                         Oh, of course! I’m sure we’ll hear lots 
                         of stories about them. (Bert and Gordie 
                         frown at each other. Joe realises what 
                         he just said.) I mean, I’ll make one 
                         up.
 
                                     GORDIE
                         Furlings - they sound cute, like Ewoks!
 
                         
               
               JOE’S HOUSE. Charlene collects the newspaper from the front step 
               and goes back indoors. Andy is sitting at the kitchen table eating 
               his breakfast.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Andy, finish up or you’re gonna miss 
                         your bus, sweetie.
 
               (Joe comes in.)

                                     JOE
                         Morning.

                                     CHARLENE
                         Good morning. (She kisses him, then 
                         addresses Andy.) And I want that lawn 
                         done today, mister. It looks like a 
                         wheatfield’s growing in our back yard.
 
                         
                                     ANDY
                         After school, Mom, I promise.

                                     JOE
                         Son, you get that lawn finished and 
                         I’ll tell you all about the Reetou.
 
                         
                                     ANDY
                         Cool! (Charlene helps him on with his 
                         schoolbag.) See you, Mom, see you, Dad! 
                         (He runs out.)
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         The Reetou?

                                     JOE
                         Foothold situation at the SGC.

                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe, don’t take this the wrong way but 
                         maybe you should cut back on the storytelling 
                         a bit.
 
                                     JOE
                         Why?

                                     CHARLENE
                         Nothing. It’s just ... well, I’ve heard 
                         a few comments from people in town.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         People? What people?

                                     CHARLENE
                         Not everyone wants to hear about Jack 
                         O’Neill and SG-1 every time they come 
                         in for a haircut.
 
                                     JOE
                         They like hearing my stories!

                                     CHARLENE
                         Maybe they’re just being polite, dear. 
                         And it’s not just at the shop. Sam at 
                         the drugstore said you talk his ear 
                         off every time you’re there; and Marjorie 
                         at the bank; and Lenny at the gas station 
                         ...
 
                                     JOE
                         Charlene, you were the one who told 
                         me to follow my muse. Now you want me 
                         to stop?
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         What if you write them down?

                                     JOE
                         You mean like a ... writer?

                                     CHARLENE
                         Put them on paper. You can have them 
                         there in the shop like the magazines. 
                         That way, if people wanna read them, 
                         they can.
 
               (Joe drinks his coffee, thinking about it.)

               
               JOE’S BEDROOM. Charlene is asleep, but Joe is lying awake, holding 
               the stone. He has another vision.
 
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “1969”. In the warehouse where the Stargate is being 
               kept, the Gate is open but SG-1 can’t reach it because they’re 
               in a firefight with guards. Jack zats one of the guards.
 
                                     CARTER
                         Sir, the timing has to be exact. Just 
                         a few more seconds.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         It’s gonna have to be close enough. 
                         Go!
 
               (As Sam, Daniel and Teal’c run for the Gate, the guards fire 
               at them. Jack fires his zat back at them. He runs for the Gate 
               and jumps in.)
 
               
               JOE’S HOUSE. Night time. Joe is typing on a laptop computer, 
               narrating aloud as he types.
 
                                     JOE
                         Young Lieutenant Hammond faced a tough 
                         decision, yet the strange foursome hardly 
                         seemed like Soviet spies.
 
               (Charlene comes down the stairs and into the room.)

                                     CHARLENE
                         Honey, it’s three in the morning. Come 
                         to bed.
 
                                     JOE
                         Just let me finish the story.

                                     CHARLENE
                         That’s what you said last night and 
                         the night before that. You’ve gotta 
                         get up in four hours. How are you gonna 
                         cut people’s hair if you’re dead on 
                         your feet all day? (Joe carries on typing.) 
                         Joe?
 
                                     JOE
                         In a minute. (He keeps typing. Charlene 
                         stands behind him for a few moments, 
                         then reluctantly leaves the room.)
 
                         
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “A HUNDRED DAYS”. Jack and Laira are hugging goodbye.
 
               
                                     JOE
                         They embraced and he looked into her 
                         eyes one last time. He walked away with 
                         sadness in his heart and she watched 
                         him go, wondering if she would ever 
                         see him again. The end.
 
               (In Stylin’ Joe, a woman, Cindy, has just had her hair done by 
               Bert. Joe is sitting in the chair next to her, having just narrated 
               the story.)
 
                                     CINDY
                         That poor woman. Do you think she was 
                         with child?
 
                                     JOE
                         You’ll just have to wait until the sequel.
 
                         
               (As Cindy continues to snivel, Joe holds out a box of tissues. 
               She takes one. Before Joe can take the box back, Bert takes a 
               tissue as well.)
 
                                     JOE
                         You’ve gotta be kidding me!

                                     BERT
                         What? I’ve gone something in my eye! 
                         (He and Cindy both wipe their eyes.)
 
                         
                                     CINDY
                         Oh, you’re such a softie! (She kisses 
                         Bert on the cheek and gets out of the 
                         chair.) See you tonight, honey. (To 
                         Joe) Bye!
 
                                     JOE
                         Bye, Cindy.

               (Cindy leaves the shop just as the postman, Calvin, comes in.)
 
               
                                     CALVIN
                         Mornin’, boys.

                                     JOE
                         Hey, Calvin.

                                     CALVIN
                         Joe, uh, looks like you’ve got some 
                         letters from those magazines in New 
                         York.
 
               (Joe jumps out of the chair and takes the letters. He hands one 
               to Gordie and two to Bert and they all start to open them. Joe 
               read his first letter aloud.)
 
                                     JOE
                         “Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately 
                         ...” blah blah blah, blah blah blah 
                         ...
 
                                     BERT
                         “Thank you for your interest ... Best 
                         of luck in the future.”
 
                                     GORDIE
                         See, I’m not sure you should have sent 
                         in this one about Seth. It wasn’t one 
                         of your best.
 
                                     BERT
                         They rejected “Hathor”?! Oh, but it 
                         was gold!
 
               
               THREE YEARS AGO.

               JOE’S HOUSE. Joe is typing on his laptop. In the distance we 
               can hear the TV. From it comes the unmistakable sound of the 
               theme tune to “Wormhole X-treme”.
 
                                     ANDY
                         Dad!

                                     JOE
                         I’m writing!

                                     ANDY
                         Seriously, you gotta see this.

               (Joe comes into the TV room where Andy, now a teenager, is lying 
               on the sofa watching the TV.)
 
                                     TV ANNOUNCER
                         Prepare for an x-treme adventure.

                                     JOE
                         What?

                                     ANDY
                         Check it out.

               (Joe looks at the TV as the trailer ad for “Wormhole X-treme” 
               continues. The four stars of the show fly out from their version 
               of the Stargate.)
 
                                     TV ANNOUNCER
                         Four x-cellent heroes in an x-traordinary 
                         new sci-fi series.
 
                                     JOE
                         What?!

                                     TV ANNOUNCER
                         Starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel 
                         Danning.
 
               (Danning punches a bad guy, then headbutts another before looking 
               around towards the camera.)
 
                                     DANNING
                         As a matter of fact it does say Colonel 
                         on my uniform.
 
               (Joe walks closer to the TV, staring in disbelief.)

                                     ANDY
                         There’s no such thing as original thought 
                         any more. We’re all just regurgitating 
                         the same old ideas over and over again, 
                         running them down to a giant melting 
                         pot of mediocrity.
 
                                     TV ANNOUNCER
                         And introducing Douglas Anders as Grell, 
                         a robot.
 
               (Joe stares at the screen in anger as he recognises the resemblance 
               to Teal’c.)
 
                                     TV ANNOUNCER
                         Wormhole X-treme, coming this fall.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         They stole my idea.

               
               STYLIN’ JOE. Fred is having his hair washed.

                                     FRED
                         Hey, whatever happened to that law suit 
                         you guys had against, uh ... what was 
                         that show called?
 
                                     JOE
                         Wormhole X-treme? Nah, it was cancelled 
                         only after one episode.
 
                                     GORDIE
                         Bad ratings.

                                     BERT
                         I liked it ... not as much as your stories, 
                         boss.
 
               (Fred goes over to the barber’s chair and sits down.)

                                     JOE
                         Actually, I have a new one - just came 
                         to me last night. SG-1 finds out there’s 
                         a giant asteroid headed toward Earth.
 
                         
                                     FRED
                         I saw the movie. It hits Paris.

                                     JOE
                         Nah - this is different. It starts when 
                         this amateur astronomer ...
 
                                     FRED
                         Uh, actually, Joe, if it’s alright with 
                         you, I’m not really in the mood.
 
                                     JOE
                         Oh, c’mon, now - don’t you wanna know 
                         how SG-1 stops it? (Fred doesn’t reply.) 
                         Here, I’ll just tell you. Major Carter 
                         is able to expand the hyperspace window 
                         from the cargo ship until it surrounds 
                         ...
 
                                     FRED
                         Look, no offence, but how many times 
                         can these folks save the world from 
                         Apophis? What’s it up to now? Five, 
                         six times?
 
                                     JOE
                         This story’s about Anubis. Apophis is 
                         dead.
 
               (Fred rolls his eyes.)

                                     FRED
                         What’s the diff? You know what I’m sayin’? 
                         It’s gettin’ a little repetitive. I 
                         mean, c’mon now - there must be other 
                         things we can talk about besides SG-1. 
                         (He and Joe look round at the other 
                         two - they have nothing to offer.) You 
                         guys play golf?
 
               
               JOE’S HOUSE. Night time. Joe is typing. Charlene comes into the 
               room.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe, I need to talk to you.

                                     JOE
                         Just a second, honey, I’m in the zone.
 
                         
                                     CHARLENE
                         Honey, stop typing.

                                     JOE
                         Writing.

                                     CHARLENE
                         Please.

               (Joe stops typing and looks up at her.)

                                     JOE
                         What’s up?

                                     CHARLENE
                         I want you to stop.

                                     JOE
                         I just did.

               (Charlene sits down beside him.)

                                     CHARLENE
                         I mean permanently.

                                     JOE
                         What?!

                                     CHARLENE
                         I’ve been going over our bills.

                                     JOE
                         Charlene ...

                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe, you’ve closed the shop early three 
                         times this week to come home and write.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         I closed the shop because business has 
                         been slow.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         And you don’t see the connection?

                                     JOE
                         Don’t worry - once I get a few stories 
                         published, land an agent, things’ll 
                         get better.
 
               (Charlene gets up, picks up a huge pile of letters and drops 
               them on the table in front of Joe.)
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Three hundred and twenty-six - that’s 
                         how many rejection letters you’ve received.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         You only need one yes.

                                     CHARLENE
                         They’re not reading them any more - 
                         just sending them back unopened!
 
                                     JOE
                         Bert and Gordie like them.

                                     CHARLENE
                         They work for you - what else are they 
                         gonna say?
 
                                     JOE
                         You haven’t even read them all.

                                     CHARLENE
                         I read “Holiday”, “The Light”, “The 
                         Sentinel” ...
 
                                     JOE
                         OK, I admit - those may have been a 
                         few small mis-steps, but on the whole 
                         they’re getting better, aren’t they?
 
                         
                                     CHARLENE
                         I don’t know.

                                     JOE
                         Well, what do you think the problem 
                         is? Tell me. Maybe I can fix it.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Well, for one, it seems to me like the 
                         team interaction isn’t what it used 
                         to be in the beginning.
 
                                     JOE
                         You hate them all?

                                     CHARLENE
                         No, I don’t. I hate what this is doing 
                         to you.
 
                                     JOE
                         You really want me to stop.

                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe, how can this really be more important 
                         than your livelihood, and your family?
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Honestly, Charlene, I don’t think I 
                         can stop.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Why not?

                                     JOE
                         These stories - I think ...

                                     CHARLENE
                         Think - you think what?

                                     JOE
                         I think they’re real, Charlene. I’m 
                         not making them up. They’re happening 
                         - somewhere. I can see them, and it’s 
                         because of the stone.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Oh, Joe.

                                     JOE
                         I can’t explain it. Somehow I think 
                         it allows me to see these incredible 
                         things!
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         That you believe are really happening.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Yes! Here, try it. (He rummages amongst 
                         the papers on the table.) Where is it?
 
                         
                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe ...

               (Joe looks at her.)

                                     JOE
                         Did you take it? (She doesn’t answer.) 
                         Charlene? What did you do with it? Charlene! 
                         WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY STONE?!
 
                         
               
               KITCHEN. Joe is emptying the rubbish bin onto the floor and is 
               rummaging through the contents. Charlene stands nearby.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         It was for your own good!

               (As Joe continues rummaging through the rubbish, Andy comes in.)
 
               
                                     ANDY
                         Woah! Has he totally lost it or what?!
 
                         
                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe, please. You need help.

               (Joe looks up at Andy.)

                                     JOE
                         Son, if you know where it is, just tell 
                         me. I’m not mad - I just need my stone.
 
                         
                                     ANDY
                         Mom?

                                     CHARLENE
                         You leave him out of this! (Joe runs 
                         to a drawer and pulls out a torch.) 
                         Joe, please! You’re scaring us!
 
               (Joe rushes out of the back door.)

               
               DRIVEWAY. Joe has emptied the dustbins out onto the ground and 
               is ripping open plastic bags and searching through the contents. 
               Finally he finds the stone.
 
                                     JOE
                         Yes!

               (As he holds the stone up in triumph, he gets a vision.)

               
               FOOTAGE FROM “MERIDIAN”. Jack and Daniel are standing in the 
               Gateroom. The space inside the Gate is filled with light.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Where are you going?

                                     DANIEL
                         I don’t know.

               (Jack nods. Daniel smiles, then turns and walks into the light. 
               In the isolation room, Daniel’s heart monitor flatlines.)
 
               
               JOE’S DRIVEWAY. Joe is on his knees with his hands still raised 
               in the air.
 
                                     JOE
                         No!! (He sobs.) He can’t be gone! (He 
                         stands up.) He’s dead! Daniel’s dead! 
                         (He sobs, heartbroken.) He can’t be 
                         dead!
 
               
               STYLIN’ JOE. Joe is sitting in a barber’s chair, lost in thought. 
               Gordie is sweeping the floor. Bert appears to be plucking his 
               eyebrows in a mirror.
 
                                     BERT
                         Gordie, you’re wearing out the floor.
 
                         
               (Calvin comes in.)

                                     BERT
                         Calvin.

                                     CALVIN
                         Gentlemen. Slow day?

                                     JOE
                         What do you got, Calvin?

                                     CALVIN
                         Looks like a stack of bills, and, uh, 
                         a couple more letters from those magazines.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         Toss ‘em.

                                     CALVIN
                         There’s, uh, also another letter here 
                         from the Air Force.
 
                                     JOE
                         You read it.

               (Calvin opens the letter and reads it aloud.)

                                     CALVIN
                         “Dear Mr Spencer, Regarding your request 
                         to meet with Colonel Jack O’Neill: we 
                         regret to inform you that ...” (He trails 
                         off. Clearly it’s a similar reply to 
                         previous requests.) Hey, Joe, if you’re 
                         so sure this is all real, then why don’t 
                         you follow it up with more than just 
                         letters? Well, call them up, tell them 
                         what you know. If it really is true 
                         ...
 
                                     JOE
                         Are you kidding? I’d disappear in a 
                         heartbeat.
 
                                     CALVIN
                         You think?

                                     JOE
                         Believe me, if the government didn’t 
                         get me, NID are sure to. I’ve seen it 
                         happen. D’you remember Armin Sellik? 
                         (He clicks his fingers.) Dead.
 
                                     CALVIN
                         Right(!) Well, look, uh, I gotta get 
                         back to my route now, uh ... You guys 
                         take care. (He beats a hasty retreat 
                         out of the shop.)
 
                                     GORDIE
                         Thanks, Calvin. (He and Bert share a 
                         concerned look about Joe. Calvin suddenly 
                         bursts back into the shop and hands 
                         the rest of Joe’s mail to Gordie before 
                         hurrying out again.)
 
               
               SOME WEEKS (OR MONTHS) LATER. OUTSIDE STYLIN’ JOE. Joe locks 
               up the shop and starts to walk away. He suddenly stops in his 
               tracks as he gets another vision.
 
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “ABYSS”. In Ba’al’s cell.

                                     DANIEL
                         Hi, Jack. (Jack looks at him. Daniel 
                         waves.)
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Daniel.

                                     DANIEL
                         I leave, and look at the mess you get 
                         yourself into.
 
               
               OUTSIDE STYLIN’ JOE. Joe leaps into the air.

                                     JOE
                         Yes! (He cackles in delight.) Yes! (He 
                         jumps up and hits the awning over a 
                         shop, then jumps into the air and kicks 
                         off a tree before dancing down the road 
                         joyfully, laughing.)
 
               
               JOE’S HOUSE. Joe runs into the house.

                                     JOE
                         Charlene! You won’t ... (He runs into 
                         a room, then out again because she’s 
                         not there.) Charlene, Charlene, you 
                         won’t believe it! (He runs off looking 
                         for her and eventually finds her in 
                         the bedroom.) Charlene? Oh, there you 
                         are. Honey, it’s incredible! Daniel’s 
                         still alive! I mean, I know he ascended 
                         to a higher plain of existence but he 
                         ... he ... (He trails off as he realises 
                         that Charlene is packing a suitcase.) 
                         What are you doing?
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Andy and I are going to my mother’s 
                         for a while. If you have even the slightest 
                         interest in saving our marriage, you’ll 
                         see someone who can help you.
 
                                     JOE
                         Charlene, I don’t need a shrink. (Charlene 
                         picks up two suitcases and walks out 
                         of the bedroom.) Charlene!
 
               
               OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Charlene carries the suitcases down the steps 
               and puts them into the trunk of the car.
 
                                     JOE
                         Honey, don’t do this, please! Come on! 
                         Honey. C’mon, we can work things out! 
                         Charlene - look, our problems are small 
                         compared ... (Charlene gets into the 
                         car and closes the door.) We ... just 
                         ... let’s talk. (She starts the car.) 
                         Can we just talk this out?
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Goodbye, Joe. I’ll call you later. (She 
                         drives away.)
 
                                     JOE
                         Charlene? (He shouts after the car.) 
                         Wait! Charlene! (He sees his neighbour 
                         standing and watching what’s going on. 
                         He waves to him.)
 
               
               STYLIN’ JOE. Joe is in the back room writing a letter. A curtain 
               is drawn in the doorway between the back room and the main shop.
 
               
                                     JOE
                         Dear Colonel O’Neill. I understand you 
                         are a very busy man. However, I must 
                         wonder if you’re actually getting each 
                         and every piece of correspondence I 
                         send you. I have written you many letters 
                         and left countless messages for you 
                         with the Air Force but I’ve yet to receive 
                         any kind of response from you. Because 
                         of this I realise I have no choice but 
                         to take my life into my own hands and 
                         come clean with you. I know everything.
 
                         
               (At that moment Gordie bursts through the curtain, stumbling 
               over something on the floor. Joe jumps.)
 
                                     JOE
                         Jeez, Gordie!

                                     GORDIE
                         Sorry.

                                     JOE
                         You scared the hell out of me!

                                     GORDIE
                         I’m sorry, I ...

                                     JOE
                         It’s OK, Gordie, I’m just ... glad it’s 
                         you. (As Gordie comes closer, Joe turns 
                         over the letter he was writing so that 
                         Gordie can’t see what’s written on it.)
 
                         
                                     GORDIE
                         Boss, if it’s alright with you - me 
                         and Bert, we’re gonna head home. It 
                         looks like nobody’s coming in again 
                         today.
 
                                     JOE
                         Yeah.

                                     GORDIE
                         Look, I know this is kind of a bad time, 
                         but ... (he trails off.)
 
                                     JOE
                         What is it, Gordie?

                                     GORDIE
                         Well, it’s been really slow around here 
                         and ... I kind of dropped off an application 
                         at the Piggly Wiggly.
 
                                     JOE
                         I understand. You gotta do what you 
                         gotta do.
 
                                     GORDIE
                         Thanks, boss. Goodnight. (He turns to 
                         leave and trips over the same thing 
                         he fell over when he came in before 
                         leaving the room.)
 
                                     JOE
                         Goodnight. (He turns the letter over, 
                         looks at it, then screws it up and tosses 
                         it into the wastepaper bin. After a 
                         moment, he gets up, goes over to the 
                         bin, takes out the piece of paper and 
                         starts to tear it into tiny pieces, 
                         dropping the pieces back into the bin. 
                         The view of the bin segues into ...)
 
                         
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “FALLEN”. We see Daniel, naked, lying on the ground.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Activating hyperdrive.

               (We see Joe, who is again typing his stories on his laptop.)
 
               
                                     O’NEILL
                         Extending straight up.

               (The F-302 does its Star Wars trench run over Anubis’ mothership.)
 
               
               (Joe is now lying on his bed as his visions continue. The TV 
               is on but the screen has gone to static.)
 
               FOOTAGE FROM “ORPHEUS”.

                                     O’NEILL
                         C’mon, boys, have at ‘em!

               (The SG troops fire at the Jaffa on Erebus. Nearby, the new ship 
               falls slowly to the ground.)
 
               FOOTAGE FROM “EVOLUTION PART 2”.

               (Jack fires repeatedly at Chalo, then Burke appears and blows 
               Chalo away.)
 
               FOOTAGE FROM “HEROES PART 2”.

                                     CARTER
                         Sir!

               (On P3X-666, Teal’c turns at the sound of Sam’s cry and watches 
               as Jack, shot in the chest with a staff weapon, crashes to the 
               ground. An al’kesh flies overhead.)
 
               
               ONE YEAR AGO.

               PARK. Joe is sitting on a bench holding a folder. Charlene comes 
               over to join him. He stands as she approaches.
 
                                     JOE
                         Thanks for seeing me. You look great!
 
                         
                                     CHARLENE
                         How are you?

                                     JOE
                         Oh, I’m good. Uh, very good. (He gestures 
                         to the bench and they both sit down.) 
                         Charlene, I’m-I’m sorry about everything 
                         that’s happened. I drove you and Andy 
                         away - I understand that now.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe ...

                                     JOE
                         Just let me finish. I-I was too wrapped 
                         up in the stories to realise what was 
                         important. I promise I will focus on 
                         rebuilding my business, on providing 
                         for my family, if you’ll give me another 
                         chance.
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         It was never about the money, Joe - 
                         it was your obsession with that stone.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         I know, I know, and I owe you both an 
                         explanation. (He reaches into the folder.) 
                         That’s why I brought you proof that 
                         my visions are real. (He shows her a 
                         photograph of Jack and Kinsey, taken 
                         at the end of “Smoke and Mirrors”.) 
                         This is what Jack O’Neill actually looks 
                         like. Now, I know what you’re thinking, 
                         but I swear I saw this image in my mind 
                         long before it was in the paper ...
 
                         
                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe ...

                                     JOE
                         ... and here: (he shows her a newspaper 
                         clipping with the headline “Massive 
                         solar flare erupts from sun”) this report 
                         about massive solar flare activity from 
                         six years ago - it coincides with the 
                         time SG-1 destroyed Apophis’ fleet! 
                         And this: (he shows her another clipping 
                         headed “Soviets report submarine missing”) 
                         about the sinking of a Russian submarine 
                         - it happened the same time Anubis’ 
                         ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.
 
                         
                                     CHARLENE
                         It just means that you’re using real 
                         people and events and incorporating 
                         them in your fantasies.
 
                                     JOE
                         They’re not fantasies! (He shows her 
                         the photograph again.) Jack O’Neill 
                         is head of Stargate Command!
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         There is no Stargate Command! (Joe stares 
                         at her. She speaks more quietly.) Listen 
                         to me. I’ve been talking to several 
                         doctors about your symptoms and they 
                         seem to think that you might be suffering 
                         from something called manic psychosis 
                         combined with grandiose delusions, but 
                         with therapy and medication you could 
                         probably live a normal life.
 
               (Joe stares up into the sky, distracted. He stands up, still 
               staring upwards.)
 
                                     JOE
                         Oh my God! They’re fighting in Antarctica 
                         - for Earth’s very survival!
 
               
               FOOTAGE FROM “LOST CITY PART 2”.

               (We see the al’kesh and gliders in combat with the F-302s. Prometheus 
               heads towards the cargo ship.)
 
               
               PARK.

                                     JOE
                         Anubis’ fleet is in orbit above us right 
                         now!
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Joe, stop it, it’s not real.

                                     JOE
                         You don’t understand! If Jack can’t 
                         find a way to use the Ancients’ technology 
                         in time, we’re all dead!
 
                                     CHARLENE
                         Goodbye, Joe. (She stands up and walks 
                         away. Joe calls after her.)
 
                                     JOE
                         It’s happening, Charlene! You’ll see! 
                         It’s real!
 
               
               JOE’S HOUSE. A sign has been placed outside the house. It reads, 
               “Notice. Court Ordered Sale. Indiana Statute 8473”. A repossession 
               firm is collecting Joe’s furniture. One of the workmen walks 
               back to the house, wearing overalls with “Brothers Grimm Repo” 
               on the back. Joe is standing on the driveway looking lost as 
               his furniture is taken to a large van. Finally he gets into a 
               taxi and is driven away.
 
               
               PRESENT DAY.

               Joe pulls up outside Jack’s house. He reaches into the glove 
               compartment and takes out a pistol.
 
               
               JACK’S KITCHEN. We’re back at the beginning of the episode. Joe 
               is holding his gun on Jack.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         OK, look, this obviously isn’t your 
                         forte, so why don’t you just put the 
                         gun down before you get hurt?
 
               (He takes a step towards Joe, who brandishes the gun wildly.)
 
               
                                     JOE
                         Don’t come any closer!

                                     O’NEILL
                         I know your gun isn’t real. (He opens 
                         a drawer in the table in front of him.) 
                         However, (he takes out a pistol) mine 
                         is.
 
                                     JOE
                         Oh God! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re 
                         right, it’s just a toy. (He drops his 
                         gun on the floor and raises his hands.) 
                         Please don’t shoot me.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         I’m not gonna shoot ya.

                                     JOE
                         I’m sorry - I just thought it was the 
                         only way to make you listen to me.
 
                         
                                     O’NEILL
                         Oh, where you’re goin’, people will 
                         listen. (He picks up his cellphone and 
                         dials.) They’ve got nothin’ to do but 
                         listen to what you have to say. They’ve 
                         got nice white coats, padded walls, 
                         the whole nine yards.
 
                                     JOE
                         Please, wait! You’re Brigadier General 
                         Jack O’Neill, head of Stargate Command 
                         at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command 
                         SG-1, which is now led by Lieutenant 
                         Colonel Samantha Carter. You once visited 
                         a planet called Argos and the nanites 
                         in your blood caused you to age artificially. 
                         You had the entire repository of the 
                         Ancients’ knowledge downloaded into 
                         your brain - twice! You have a thing 
                         for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, 
                         the colour peridot, and you’re a terrible 
                         ping pong player.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Have we met?

                                     JOE
                         My name is Joe Spencer. I’m a barber. 
                         (He looks at Jack.) It’s all true, isn’t 
                         it? Everything I’ve seen - the Stargate, 
                         the Goa’uld, the Asgards - it’s all 
                         real. Tell me it’s real - I need to 
                         know.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Well, first of all, Joe, I’m not a terrible 
                         ping pong player!
 
               
               SGC. INFIRMARY. Joe is sitting on the side of a bed having some 
               blood taken as Jack stands nearby.
 
                                     JOE
                         Between you and me, I totally see the 
                         analogy - Burns as Goa’uld.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Thank you!

                                     JOE
                         And don’t worry - I won’t say a word 
                         about your feelings for ...
 
               (At that moment Sam walks in. Jack raises a finger to Joe warningly. 
               Joe jumps off the bed and holds out his hand to Sam. She takes 
               it.)
 
                                     JOE
                         This is such an honour. I don’t know 
                         how to thank you for all you’ve done 
                         for our planet. There are not enough 
                         words!
 
                                     CARTER
                         It’s nice to meet you too. (She looks 
                         at Jack.)
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Joe Spencer.

                                     JOE
                         I was particularly impressed with the 
                         time you blew up that sun.
 
                                     CARTER
                         Well, thank you! I had a bit of help.
 
                         
                                     JOE
                         And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan 
                         thing goes ...
 
               (Jack claps his hand onto Joe’s shoulder to stop him. However, 
               Joe has already been distracted by the sight of Daniel walking 
               in.)
 
                                     JOE
                         Doctor Jackson, can I just say, thank 
                         goodness you’re back. (He shakes his 
                         hand.) Not that Jonas was a bad guy, 
                         but after all you’ve been through together, 
                         you belong here with SG-1.
 
                                     DANIEL
                         Thank you! Jack?!

                                     O’NEILL
                         He’s a barber.

                                     DANIEL
                         Broke into your house?

                                     O’NEILL
                         Yeah.

                                     DANIEL
                         Second week in a row.

                                     O’NEILL
                         Mm-hmm.

                                     DANIEL
                         Alarm.

                                     O’NEILL
                         I’m thinkin’ dog.

                                     JOE
                         You could try locking your front door.
 
                         
               
               BRIEFING ROOM. Joe is sitting at the table as Sam works on a 
               laptop on the other side of the table. Jack and Teal’c come in. 
               Joe stands and greets Teal’c.
 
                                     JOE
                         Shal’kek nem’ron!

               (Teal’c reaches out to shake his hand but Joe grasps his arm 
               in the Jaffa fashion. Teal’c looks at Jack.)
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Joe. A barber.

                                     TEAL’C
                         Please be seated. (They sit down.)
 
                         
                                     O’NEILL
                         What’ve you got there, Carter?

                                     CARTER
                         Well, initial tests show that Joe possesses 
                         the same Ancient gene as you do.
 
                                     JOE
                         I just want you to know, if you ever 
                         need me to use the Chair device in Antarctica 
                         in defence of the planet, I’m there.
 
                         
                                     O’NEILL
                         Thank you!

               (Teal’c and Sam exchange a glance before Sam turns her attention 
               back to the laptop.)
 
                                     CARTER
                         Other than that, his physiology is completely 
                         normal.
 
                                     TEAL’C
                         Do not a great many people possess this 
                         Ancient gene?
 
                                     JOE
                         Yeah, I mean, how come I’m the only 
                         one seeing these things?
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Yes, good question. (He turns to Sam.) 
                         Pray tell.
 
                                     CARTER
                         Unfortunately our knowledge of Ancient 
                         physiology is fairly limited. The only 
                         other thing we know is that Joe has 
                         somehow managed to gain access to huge 
                         amounts of classified information, mainly 
                         in regard to SG-1, and that these visions 
                         are somehow connected to the stone he 
                         found.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Anything on that?

                                     CARTER
                         Daniel’s looking into it. He did say 
                         there was something familiar about it.
 
                         
                                     TEAL’C
                         You claim to receive these visions only 
                         within the proximity of the stone. Perhaps 
                         there is a connection between the stone 
                         and your genetic predispositions.
 
                         
               (Joe is staring at Teal’c.)

                                     JOE
                         I know that hair makes you look different, 
                         but didn’t you use to be more gold-coloured?
 
                         
               (Daniel comes up the stairs.)

                                     DANIEL
                         I think I’ve got it! Took me a while 
                         to track it down but ... (He puts Joe’s 
                         stone down on the table and lays a second 
                         identical stone beside it.)
 
                                     JOE
                         You have one too?!

                                     DANIEL
                         They’re a set. Jack, you remember P3R-233? 
                         The planet where I ...
 
                                     JOE
                         ... where you found the quantum mirror 
                         that sent you to an alternate reality 
                         where the Goa’uld invaded Earth.
 
               (Daniel looks at Jack and nods in confirmation.)

               
               FLASHBACK. It’s after the events of “There But For The Grace 
               Of God,” “Within the Serpent’s Grasp” and “The Serpent’s Lair.” 
               Daniel, with long hair, is in his office looking at some artefacts. 
               Jack comes in.
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Hey, fella.

                                     DANIEL
                         Hey, Jack.

                                     O’NEILL
                         This all the stuff we brought back from 
                         ...?
 
                                     DANIEL
                         P3R-233? Yeah. Coming to help me catalogue 
                         it?
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         You bet(!) My favourite. But it’s all 
                         gonna have to wait. Hammond called a 
                         briefing. (He picks up one of the artefacts 
                         - it’s the stone.) We got some intel 
                         back indicating that Apophis may not 
                         be so dead as we thought. (He looks 
                         at the stone and seems distracted.) 
                         ... Something about ... Chulak.
 
               
               THE PRESENT.

                                     DANIEL
                         I think the stones were a kind of Ancient 
                         long-range communication device allowing 
                         people to see events over great distances 
                         by assuming a sort of psychic connection. 
                         Now, Jack must have activated the link 
                         between the stones by picking up the 
                         second stone. Now, after that, all that 
                         would be required is a certain proximity 
                         to the stone for the connection to be 
                         activated. Now, seeing as the stone 
                         has been stored in the base archives 
                         ...
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         But that doesn’t explain how the other 
                         stone got to the ... where? Where was 
                         it?
 
                                     TEAL’C
                         A garage sale.

                                     JOE
                         The person who sold it to me said his 
                         grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt.
 
                         
                                     CARTER
                         But that still doesn’t explain the proximity 
                         issue. I mean, if the stone General 
                         O’Neill touched was kept here, how was 
                         Joe able to see everything that happened 
                         to the general offworld?
 
                                     DANIEL
                         Maybe he was getting most of it from 
                         when Jack was writing his reports right 
                         here on the base. The stone was being 
                         stored just a few levels above.
 
                                     JOE
                         That’s why the stories were so easy 
                         to write. It was like someone else had 
                         done most of the work for me!
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         And you say they all got rejected?
 
                         
               (Joe nods. Jack looks hurt.)

                                     CARTER
                         Wait a second - if the stones work the 
                         way Daniel says, shouldn’t General O’Neill 
                         have been able to see elements of Joe’s 
                         life as well?
 
                                     DANIEL
                         Theoretically, yes, he would.

               (Everyone looks round at Jack. Jack raises his eyebrows. Joe 
               looks nervously at him.)
 
               
               FLASH.

               We see Joe sitting in his chair at the barber’s, reading the 
               paper.
 
               We see Joe trimming his nostril hairs in the mirror.

               We see a tenpin bowling ball rolling down the aisle and getting 
               a strike.
 
               
               In the Briefing Room, Jack smiles at Joe.

                                     O’NEILL
                         Bowling league, Thursday nights?

                                     JOE
                         You saw that?!

                                     O’NEILL
                         You got game, son!

                                     DANIEL
                         Wait a minute. Jack - you’ve been seeing 
                         parts of the life of a barber in Indiana 
                         for seven years and you never mentioned 
                         it?
 
                                     O’NEILL
                         Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.

               (SG-1 look at each other. Sam shakes her head.)

                                     CARTER
                         No. No, you didn’t, sir.

                                     O’NEILL
                         I didn’t?

                                     DANIEL
                         You didn’t find that the least bit odd?
 
                         
                                     O’NEILL
                         Actually, no - I found it quite ... 
                         relaxing.
 
               
               PARK. Joe is sitting on the bench again. He stands as Charlene 
               comes over.
 
                                     JOE
                         Charlene.

                                     CHARLENE
                         I only have about ten minutes, then 
                         I really need to get right back to work. 
                         (Behind her, a black Air Force car pulls 
                         up.) Um, there’s no easy way to say 
                         this - I want a divorce.
 
                                     JOE
                         I know. I mean, you have every right 
                         to. But, before we get to that, there’s 
                         someone who’d like to meet you. Here 
                         he comes now. (Jack, in his dress uniform, 
                         walks over to join them.) Charlene - 
                         meet General Jack O’Neill of the United 
                         States Air Force.
 
               (Jack takes his hat off and offers his hand to Charlene.)

                                     O’NEILL
                         It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am. 
                         (Charlene nervously shakes his hand.) 
                         I think we have some things to talk 
                         about.
 
               (Charlene looks at Joe as Jack gestures to the park bench. The 
               three of them sit down, and the camera pulls back as Jack starts 
               to talk.)
 
               
               
               THE END

               

Citizen Joe



Writers :   Damian Kindler
Genres :   Sci-Fi  Action  Adventure


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