STARGATE SG1
Episode 815
"CITIZEN JOE"
By
Damian Kindler
Transcribed by
Callie Sullivan
JACK’S HOUSE. Jack comes in with a couple of bags of shopping
in one hand and his cellphone in the other. He’s talking to Sam
on the phone.
CARTER
How about Monday morning?
O’NEILL
No, I have a thing with someone from
CIA, a Johnson someone or other. It’s
about that whole Kinsey thing.
CARTER
So, any big plans for the weekend?
O’NEILL
Oh yeah. Big. Huge!
(We see that Sam is at SGC, using one of the phones in a corridor.)
CARTER
Yeah, me neither.
O’NEILL
What are you talkin’ about? I just walked
in with a whole handful of ingredients
for my world-famous omelette.
CARTER
World-famous, huh? What’s in it?
O’NEILL
Eggs.
CARTER
I don’t think that that actually qualifies
as a recipe.
O’NEILL
Oh, don’t kid yourself. There’s a secret
ingredient. I can’t tell you what it
is or I’d have to shoot you.
CARTER
It’s beer, isn’t it?
O’NEILL
Carter ...
(At that moment, a middle-aged man bursts through the kitchen
door, pointing a pistol at Jack.)
O’NEILL
... let me call you back.
CARTER
I knew it!
(She hangs up. In the kitchen, Jack looks at the man, whose hand
is shaking as he points the gun.)
O’NEILL
Hullo.
MAN
You’re Jack O’Neill.
O’NEILL
Yes. Here’s a better question: who are
you?
MAN
It doesn’t matter - to anyone. All you
need to know is (his voice breaks and
he speaks tearfully) you ruined my life.
SEVEN YEARS AGO.
The man, Joe, and his wife Charlene are browsing around a garage
sale.
CHARLENE
We should have gotten here earlier,
when the real deals were still available.
JOE
Honey, it’s seven a.m.!
CHARLENE
Joe, start over there and see if you
can find a lamp that would work in the
TV room. (As Joe heads in the direction
she pointed, she spots something else.)
Oh, my lord, look! They have those old
English tea tins!
(Joe wanders around the sale, looking at various things, opening
a small booklet, then putting it down again. Then he sees a small
statue of a woman holding a basket. Lying in the basket is a
small black stone with some markings on it. Curious, he picks
up the stone. As he holds it and looks at it, he suddenly stares
upwards in surprise as he gets a vision of the Stargate kawhooshing.
The vision continues ...)
FOOTAGE FROM “WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP”. SG-1 are in the Control
Room, having sealed off the area and then dialled out against
orders.
VOICE OVER TANNOY
Security breached.
DANIEL
They just got Corridor C-9 open.
O’NEILL
Alright, let’s go.
(The team run into the Gateroom and through the Gate. We see
wormhole travel, then the vision ends.)
GARAGE SALE. Joe blinks, then turns around to the man who is
running the sale.
JOE
Excuse me. (He points to the stone.)
How much?
A BARBERSHOP called STYLIN’ JOE. Joe, who is obviously the head
barber and owns the shop, is cutting a man’s hair. Nearby sit
his colleague Bert and their young assistant Gordie.
JOE
So, there’s this fella who walks into
a bar and he sees an ape sitting there
... sorry, no. He sees a gorilla. That’s
it, right! There’s this gorilla sitting
there drinking a coke. So he says to
the bartender, “Hey! What’s with that
gorilla drinking that drink?” Well,
the bartender says, “Yeah, that ape
usually orders a coke!” (Bert and Gordie
look at him blankly.) I mean “a beer”
- “usually orders a beer.”
BERT
Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla, cos
they’re completely different species,
you know?
JOE
It doesn’t matter. It could be a monkey.
The point is ...
CUSTOMER
The point is, Joe, it’s a good thing
you can cut hair!
(Everyone chuckles.)
JOE
Yeah, yeah, very good, Fred.
FRED
Are we about done here?
JOE
All set. (He finishes brushing the cut
hair off Fred’s robe, then whisks the
robe off him.)
FRED
Cos someone, somewhere out there, needs
themselves a new car - whether they
know it or not, you know what I mean?!
(He takes some money out of his pocket,
then raises his hands in front of him.)
I feel the power to sell moving through
me today! (He tucks the money into Joe’s
shirt pocket.) Boys, been a slice.
JOE
Thanks, Fred.
BERT
See you, Fred.
(Fred leaves the barbershop. Joe reaches into his shirt pocket
for the money, and has another vision.)
FOOTAGE FROM “WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP”. In the Gateroom on
the Goa’uld mothership, SG-1 are in hiding. Jaffa soldiers, priests
and priestesses turn to face the sarcophagus in the middle of
the room. Apophis’ voice can be heard.
APOPHIS
Bow down now. Show your reverence for
my son - (Klorel stands in the sarcophagus
as everyone bows before him) the mighty
warrior, Klorel.
KLOREL
Kel, Apophis.
In the barbershop, Joe looks startled. He looks round the shop
and sees Gordie sweeping up hair as if nothing unusual has happened.
Joe pulls his fingers out of his shirt pocket to find himself
holding the stone he bought at the garage sale.
JOE’S HOUSE. Joe, Charlene and their young son Andy are sitting
down to dinner.
CHARLENE
Oh, we are reading the best book in
Book Club this week. It’s called “The
Heart of a Woman”. It is such a powerful
story! Oh, every time I think about
it, I just ...
JOE
Wanna hear a story?
CHARLENE
Oh, sure, dear. I’m sorry - what happened
to you today at the shop?
JOE
No, it’s not work-related. I have a
story!
CHARLENE
What do you mean?
JOE
You know, like in those books you read,
only ... different.
CHARLENE
OK, sure.
JOE
It’s about a team of adventurers known
as SG-1. They travel to other planets
through an alien device known as a Stargate.
Their leader is the fearless Colonel
Jack ...
FOOTAGE FROM “WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP”.
TEAL’C
O’Neill, prepare yourself for ...
(The mothership decelerates, and Jack is thrown forward and crashes
into the control console.)
TEAL’C
... extreme deceleration.
O’NEILL
Yeah, thanks, Teal’c! (He stands up
and looks out of the front viewscreen.
His face shows shock as he realises
that the mothership is passing Saturn.)
KLOREL
You will get to see your home one last
time before you and everyone on your
planet are destroyed, and your kind
will disturb the Goa’uld no more.
JOE’S KITCHEN.
ANDY
So who are the Goa’uld again?
JOE
The bad guys.
CHARLENE
And this Skaara character?
ANDY
Yeah - I thought you said his name was
Klorel?
JOE
I know it’s a little complicated. Just
wait - I haven’t gotten to the good
part yet!
FOOTAGE FROM “WITHIN THE SERPENT’S GRASP”. Klorel is holding
Daniel in the grip of a ribbon device. Jack aims a pistol at
him.
O’NEILL
Skaara!
(Klorel continues blasting Daniel. With no choice, Jack shoots
Skaara twice. He drops to the ground. Daniel breathes shakily,
trying to pull himself together. Jack runs over to Skaara and
turns him over onto his back.)
O’NEILL
Oh, Skaara. I’m sorry.
ANDY
That’s it?!
JOE
I think so - for now, anyways.
ANDY
What happens to Earth?
JOE
I don’t know ... I mean, uh, I-I haven’t
figured that part out yet.
ANDY
Well, you gotta finish it, Dad, you
can’t just end a story in the middle.
JOE
I tell you what - you get all your chores
done and I’ll finish the story tomorrow.
ANDY
Chores?! What are we, Amish?!
CHARLENE
Andy!
JOE
Go do your homework.
(Andy leaves the table.)
CHARLENE
He’s gotten so precocious.
JOE
You hated it, didn’t you?
CHARLENE
Well, you know I’m not the biggest science
fiction fan, but no, no, it was ...
it was just so ... detailed. How’d you
come up with it?
JOE
Honestly, I don’t know, I ... it just
sort of popped into my head.
CHARLENE
That’s amazing, really.
JOE
What didn’t you like about it?
CHARLENE
Don’t get me wrong - it was exciting.
It’s just that personally I like stories
that are more about inter-personal relations,
and a little less to do with things
blowing up.
BARBERSHOP. The next day.
JOE
A giant fireball in the night sky! (He
gestures dramatically. Bert and Gordie
try to look politely interested.)
FRED
You say these folks are a military unit?
(Fred is lying back in the barber’s chair with his face covered
in shaving cream. Joe is holding a cut-throat razor.)
JOE
Yeah - they’re part of the US Air Force.
FRED
But they travel to other planets?
JOE
Through the Stargate.
GORDIE
Which is a time-travel machine.
JOE
It’s an alien device that creates a
stable wormhole allowing instantaneous
travel to other worlds. Time has nothing
to do with it.
(Bert raises his hand.)
BERT
Boss - a question. Uh, these Goold ...
JOE
Goa’uld.
BERT
Goa’oo ...
JOE
Goa’uld.
BERT
Never mind. The bad guys. You said they’ve
got snakes in their heads?
JOE
Symbionts, yes.
GORDIE
And what about the fellows with the
ones in their bellies?
JOE
They’re different - they’re called Jaffa.
They incubate the symbionts until they’re
ready for implantation. (He gestures
to his head.)
FRED
Now, you see, Joe, that’s confusing.
BERT
He’s right, boss. Why can’t there be
just one kind of bad guy, you know,
the snake goes in their head, makes
them evil, the end.
FRED
Call ‘em the snake people!
GORDIE
Yeah, snake people’s good.
BERT
Yeah.
JOE
They’re not called the snake people!
They’re called the Goa’uld! And the
Jaffa aren’t bad guys - they’re enslaved
warriors who mistakenly believe that
the Goa’uld are their gods. And it’s
not confusing - it’s complex!
(All through this rant, he is waving his cut-throat razor around.
Fred watches it nervously. As Joe finishes his tirade, he realises
that everyone is staring at him. He looks down and realises how
close he is holding the razor to Fred’s face.)
FRED
Uh - edge of my seat, the whole time!
JOE’S HOUSE. Joe is on the phone. A man answers.
OPERATOR
United States Air Force - how may I
direct your call?
JOE
Uh, hi. I’m trying to reach one of your
officers: a Colonel Jack O’Neill, two
els?
OPERATOR
May I have your name, please, and the
nature of your call?
JOE
My name?
OPERATOR
Yes, please.
JOE
Uh, right, right, of course! Uh, my
name is Joe ... Smith. Now, listen,
I realise Colonel O’Neill is probably
unavailable, off on some important mission
somewhere, but ... I know this is an
odd request, I mean, I don’t know if
you know Colonel O’Neill personally
but ... could you describe him to me,
you know - height, weight, shoe size,
sense of humour, that sort of thing?
OPERATOR
Uh, I really can’t do that, sir.
JOE
Oh, of course, sure - national security.
Now, am I understanding correctly that
there really is a Colonel Jack O’Neill
in the Air Force?
OPERATOR
Is there a message you would like to
leave for him, sir?
JOE
That’s fine, thank you! (He hangs up
quickly, then stares in shock at the
possibility that Jack O’Neill really
does exist.)
ANDY’S BEDROOM. Andy is in bed. Joe is sitting on the bed telling
him a bedtime story.
JOE
So, in the end, Rya’c was freed from
Apophis’ control. Teal’c, Drey’auc and
Rya’c were once again a family.
ANDY
But Teal’c is still going back to Stargate
Command to fight for the freedom of
the Jaffa.
JOE
Yes, of course! He’s going to take Drey’auc
and Rya’c to a place where they’ll be
safe.
ANDY
So the Goa’uld won’t plant more bombs
in Rya’c’s teeth?
JOE
That’s right. Now, go to sleep. (He
leans down and kisses Andy.)
ANDY
Cool story, Dad! (He settles down to
sleep. Joe smiles fondly at him, turns
the light off and leaves the room.)
LIVING ROOM. Joe is watching a basketball game on the TV. Charlene
sits nearby reading a book. She looks up.
CHARLENE
Joe, where do you get these ideas you’ve
had lately?
JOE
I don’t know.
CHARLENE
Fully-formed ideas, plots, characters,
just like that? They just appear in
your head?
JOE
Basically.
(Charlene picks up the remote control and turns the TV off. She
gets off the sofa, walks over to sit on the footstool in front
of Joe and stares at him.)
JOE
Why are you looking at me like that?
CHARLENE
I think you’ve gotten in touch with
your dormant creativity; accessed your
wellspring of imagination.
JOE
What?!
CHARLENE
I’ve read about this happening to other
people. You’re opening yourself up to
your inner muse.
JOE
My inner muse?!
CHARLENE
It’s your mid-life crisis.
JOE
It is?
CHARLENE
Except instead of chasing your youth
by buying a sports car or going hang
gliding, you’re seeking immortality
through creativity.
JOE
We can’t afford a sports car.
CHARLENE
Honey, it’s a good thing, especially
if it means you’re not gonna have an
affair with a younger woman. (She turns
the TV back on again and goes back to
the sofa.)
SIX YEARS AGO.
STYLIN’ JOE. Joe is cutting a customer’s hair while Bert sits
in another chair with a newspaper. Gordie is sweeping up.
BERT
Wait a second, wait a second - you said
Teal’c put his face up to that head-grabber
thing before O’Neill. Why didn’t he
get grabbed first?
JOE
Guys, I told you - save your questions
until I finish. Now, what was left of
Colonel O’Neill’s mind managed to dial
a Gate address ... one they had never
dialled before.
FOOTAGE FROM “THE FIFTH RACE”. Jack flies through the Gate on
the Asgard homeworld and rolls down the steps. He looks round
and sees two Asgard standing nearby.
STYLIN’ JOE.
BERT
The Asgard? Those little grey guys,
right.
GORDIE
Shut up and let him finish, Bert!
FOOTAGE FROM “THE FIFTH RACE”. Jack squats down in front of the
Asgard.
O’NEILL
... and I don’t want to sound ungrateful
because I really, really appreciate
you getting all that stuff out of my
head. But you folks should understand
that we’re out there now. We might not
be ready for a lot of this stuff but
we’re doin’ the best we can.
(One of the Asgard offers its hand. Jack gently takes it.)
ASGARD
You have already taken the first steps
towards becoming the fifth race.
STYLIN’ JOE.
BERT
Well, what about the Furlings? Are we
ever gonna hear about them?
JOE
Oh, of course! I’m sure we’ll hear lots
of stories about them. (Bert and Gordie
frown at each other. Joe realises what
he just said.) I mean, I’ll make one
up.
GORDIE
Furlings - they sound cute, like Ewoks!
JOE’S HOUSE. Charlene collects the newspaper from the front step
and goes back indoors. Andy is sitting at the kitchen table eating
his breakfast.
CHARLENE
Andy, finish up or you’re gonna miss
your bus, sweetie.
(Joe comes in.)
JOE
Morning.
CHARLENE
Good morning. (She kisses him, then
addresses Andy.) And I want that lawn
done today, mister. It looks like a
wheatfield’s growing in our back yard.
ANDY
After school, Mom, I promise.
JOE
Son, you get that lawn finished and
I’ll tell you all about the Reetou.
ANDY
Cool! (Charlene helps him on with his
schoolbag.) See you, Mom, see you, Dad!
(He runs out.)
CHARLENE
The Reetou?
JOE
Foothold situation at the SGC.
CHARLENE
Joe, don’t take this the wrong way but
maybe you should cut back on the storytelling
a bit.
JOE
Why?
CHARLENE
Nothing. It’s just ... well, I’ve heard
a few comments from people in town.
JOE
People? What people?
CHARLENE
Not everyone wants to hear about Jack
O’Neill and SG-1 every time they come
in for a haircut.
JOE
They like hearing my stories!
CHARLENE
Maybe they’re just being polite, dear.
And it’s not just at the shop. Sam at
the drugstore said you talk his ear
off every time you’re there; and Marjorie
at the bank; and Lenny at the gas station
...
JOE
Charlene, you were the one who told
me to follow my muse. Now you want me
to stop?
CHARLENE
What if you write them down?
JOE
You mean like a ... writer?
CHARLENE
Put them on paper. You can have them
there in the shop like the magazines.
That way, if people wanna read them,
they can.
(Joe drinks his coffee, thinking about it.)
JOE’S BEDROOM. Charlene is asleep, but Joe is lying awake, holding
the stone. He has another vision.
FOOTAGE FROM “1969”. In the warehouse where the Stargate is being
kept, the Gate is open but SG-1 can’t reach it because they’re
in a firefight with guards. Jack zats one of the guards.
CARTER
Sir, the timing has to be exact. Just
a few more seconds.
O’NEILL
It’s gonna have to be close enough.
Go!
(As Sam, Daniel and Teal’c run for the Gate, the guards fire
at them. Jack fires his zat back at them. He runs for the Gate
and jumps in.)
JOE’S HOUSE. Night time. Joe is typing on a laptop computer,
narrating aloud as he types.
JOE
Young Lieutenant Hammond faced a tough
decision, yet the strange foursome hardly
seemed like Soviet spies.
(Charlene comes down the stairs and into the room.)
CHARLENE
Honey, it’s three in the morning. Come
to bed.
JOE
Just let me finish the story.
CHARLENE
That’s what you said last night and
the night before that. You’ve gotta
get up in four hours. How are you gonna
cut people’s hair if you’re dead on
your feet all day? (Joe carries on typing.)
Joe?
JOE
In a minute. (He keeps typing. Charlene
stands behind him for a few moments,
then reluctantly leaves the room.)
FOOTAGE FROM “A HUNDRED DAYS”. Jack and Laira are hugging goodbye.
JOE
They embraced and he looked into her
eyes one last time. He walked away with
sadness in his heart and she watched
him go, wondering if she would ever
see him again. The end.
(In Stylin’ Joe, a woman, Cindy, has just had her hair done by
Bert. Joe is sitting in the chair next to her, having just narrated
the story.)
CINDY
That poor woman. Do you think she was
with child?
JOE
You’ll just have to wait until the sequel.
(As Cindy continues to snivel, Joe holds out a box of tissues.
She takes one. Before Joe can take the box back, Bert takes a
tissue as well.)
JOE
You’ve gotta be kidding me!
BERT
What? I’ve gone something in my eye!
(He and Cindy both wipe their eyes.)
CINDY
Oh, you’re such a softie! (She kisses
Bert on the cheek and gets out of the
chair.) See you tonight, honey. (To
Joe) Bye!
JOE
Bye, Cindy.
(Cindy leaves the shop just as the postman, Calvin, comes in.)
CALVIN
Mornin’, boys.
JOE
Hey, Calvin.
CALVIN
Joe, uh, looks like you’ve got some
letters from those magazines in New
York.
(Joe jumps out of the chair and takes the letters. He hands one
to Gordie and two to Bert and they all start to open them. Joe
read his first letter aloud.)
JOE
“Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately
...” blah blah blah, blah blah blah
...
BERT
“Thank you for your interest ... Best
of luck in the future.”
GORDIE
See, I’m not sure you should have sent
in this one about Seth. It wasn’t one
of your best.
BERT
They rejected “Hathor”?! Oh, but it
was gold!
THREE YEARS AGO.
JOE’S HOUSE. Joe is typing on his laptop. In the distance we
can hear the TV. From it comes the unmistakable sound of the
theme tune to “Wormhole X-treme”.
ANDY
Dad!
JOE
I’m writing!
ANDY
Seriously, you gotta see this.
(Joe comes into the TV room where Andy, now a teenager, is lying
on the sofa watching the TV.)
TV ANNOUNCER
Prepare for an x-treme adventure.
JOE
What?
ANDY
Check it out.
(Joe looks at the TV as the trailer ad for “Wormhole X-treme”
continues. The four stars of the show fly out from their version
of the Stargate.)
TV ANNOUNCER
Four x-cellent heroes in an x-traordinary
new sci-fi series.
JOE
What?!
TV ANNOUNCER
Starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel
Danning.
(Danning punches a bad guy, then headbutts another before looking
around towards the camera.)
DANNING
As a matter of fact it does say Colonel
on my uniform.
(Joe walks closer to the TV, staring in disbelief.)
ANDY
There’s no such thing as original thought
any more. We’re all just regurgitating
the same old ideas over and over again,
running them down to a giant melting
pot of mediocrity.
TV ANNOUNCER
And introducing Douglas Anders as Grell,
a robot.
(Joe stares at the screen in anger as he recognises the resemblance
to Teal’c.)
TV ANNOUNCER
Wormhole X-treme, coming this fall.
JOE
They stole my idea.
STYLIN’ JOE. Fred is having his hair washed.
FRED
Hey, whatever happened to that law suit
you guys had against, uh ... what was
that show called?
JOE
Wormhole X-treme? Nah, it was cancelled
only after one episode.
GORDIE
Bad ratings.
BERT
I liked it ... not as much as your stories,
boss.
(Fred goes over to the barber’s chair and sits down.)
JOE
Actually, I have a new one - just came
to me last night. SG-1 finds out there’s
a giant asteroid headed toward Earth.
FRED
I saw the movie. It hits Paris.
JOE
Nah - this is different. It starts when
this amateur astronomer ...
FRED
Uh, actually, Joe, if it’s alright with
you, I’m not really in the mood.
JOE
Oh, c’mon, now - don’t you wanna know
how SG-1 stops it? (Fred doesn’t reply.)
Here, I’ll just tell you. Major Carter
is able to expand the hyperspace window
from the cargo ship until it surrounds
...
FRED
Look, no offence, but how many times
can these folks save the world from
Apophis? What’s it up to now? Five,
six times?
JOE
This story’s about Anubis. Apophis is
dead.
(Fred rolls his eyes.)
FRED
What’s the diff? You know what I’m sayin’?
It’s gettin’ a little repetitive. I
mean, c’mon now - there must be other
things we can talk about besides SG-1.
(He and Joe look round at the other
two - they have nothing to offer.) You
guys play golf?
JOE’S HOUSE. Night time. Joe is typing. Charlene comes into the
room.
CHARLENE
Joe, I need to talk to you.
JOE
Just a second, honey, I’m in the zone.
CHARLENE
Honey, stop typing.
JOE
Writing.
CHARLENE
Please.
(Joe stops typing and looks up at her.)
JOE
What’s up?
CHARLENE
I want you to stop.
JOE
I just did.
(Charlene sits down beside him.)
CHARLENE
I mean permanently.
JOE
What?!
CHARLENE
I’ve been going over our bills.
JOE
Charlene ...
CHARLENE
Joe, you’ve closed the shop early three
times this week to come home and write.
JOE
I closed the shop because business has
been slow.
CHARLENE
And you don’t see the connection?
JOE
Don’t worry - once I get a few stories
published, land an agent, things’ll
get better.
(Charlene gets up, picks up a huge pile of letters and drops
them on the table in front of Joe.)
CHARLENE
Three hundred and twenty-six - that’s
how many rejection letters you’ve received.
JOE
You only need one yes.
CHARLENE
They’re not reading them any more -
just sending them back unopened!
JOE
Bert and Gordie like them.
CHARLENE
They work for you - what else are they
gonna say?
JOE
You haven’t even read them all.
CHARLENE
I read “Holiday”, “The Light”, “The
Sentinel” ...
JOE
OK, I admit - those may have been a
few small mis-steps, but on the whole
they’re getting better, aren’t they?
CHARLENE
I don’t know.
JOE
Well, what do you think the problem
is? Tell me. Maybe I can fix it.
CHARLENE
Well, for one, it seems to me like the
team interaction isn’t what it used
to be in the beginning.
JOE
You hate them all?
CHARLENE
No, I don’t. I hate what this is doing
to you.
JOE
You really want me to stop.
CHARLENE
Joe, how can this really be more important
than your livelihood, and your family?
JOE
Honestly, Charlene, I don’t think I
can stop.
CHARLENE
Why not?
JOE
These stories - I think ...
CHARLENE
Think - you think what?
JOE
I think they’re real, Charlene. I’m
not making them up. They’re happening
- somewhere. I can see them, and it’s
because of the stone.
CHARLENE
Oh, Joe.
JOE
I can’t explain it. Somehow I think
it allows me to see these incredible
things!
CHARLENE
That you believe are really happening.
JOE
Yes! Here, try it. (He rummages amongst
the papers on the table.) Where is it?
CHARLENE
Joe ...
(Joe looks at her.)
JOE
Did you take it? (She doesn’t answer.)
Charlene? What did you do with it? Charlene!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY STONE?!
KITCHEN. Joe is emptying the rubbish bin onto the floor and is
rummaging through the contents. Charlene stands nearby.
CHARLENE
It was for your own good!
(As Joe continues rummaging through the rubbish, Andy comes in.)
ANDY
Woah! Has he totally lost it or what?!
CHARLENE
Joe, please. You need help.
(Joe looks up at Andy.)
JOE
Son, if you know where it is, just tell
me. I’m not mad - I just need my stone.
ANDY
Mom?
CHARLENE
You leave him out of this! (Joe runs
to a drawer and pulls out a torch.)
Joe, please! You’re scaring us!
(Joe rushes out of the back door.)
DRIVEWAY. Joe has emptied the dustbins out onto the ground and
is ripping open plastic bags and searching through the contents.
Finally he finds the stone.
JOE
Yes!
(As he holds the stone up in triumph, he gets a vision.)
FOOTAGE FROM “MERIDIAN”. Jack and Daniel are standing in the
Gateroom. The space inside the Gate is filled with light.
O’NEILL
Where are you going?
DANIEL
I don’t know.
(Jack nods. Daniel smiles, then turns and walks into the light.
In the isolation room, Daniel’s heart monitor flatlines.)
JOE’S DRIVEWAY. Joe is on his knees with his hands still raised
in the air.
JOE
No!! (He sobs.) He can’t be gone! (He
stands up.) He’s dead! Daniel’s dead!
(He sobs, heartbroken.) He can’t be
dead!
STYLIN’ JOE. Joe is sitting in a barber’s chair, lost in thought.
Gordie is sweeping the floor. Bert appears to be plucking his
eyebrows in a mirror.
BERT
Gordie, you’re wearing out the floor.
(Calvin comes in.)
BERT
Calvin.
CALVIN
Gentlemen. Slow day?
JOE
What do you got, Calvin?
CALVIN
Looks like a stack of bills, and, uh,
a couple more letters from those magazines.
JOE
Toss ‘em.
CALVIN
There’s, uh, also another letter here
from the Air Force.
JOE
You read it.
(Calvin opens the letter and reads it aloud.)
CALVIN
“Dear Mr Spencer, Regarding your request
to meet with Colonel Jack O’Neill: we
regret to inform you that ...” (He trails
off. Clearly it’s a similar reply to
previous requests.) Hey, Joe, if you’re
so sure this is all real, then why don’t
you follow it up with more than just
letters? Well, call them up, tell them
what you know. If it really is true
...
JOE
Are you kidding? I’d disappear in a
heartbeat.
CALVIN
You think?
JOE
Believe me, if the government didn’t
get me, NID are sure to. I’ve seen it
happen. D’you remember Armin Sellik?
(He clicks his fingers.) Dead.
CALVIN
Right(!) Well, look, uh, I gotta get
back to my route now, uh ... You guys
take care. (He beats a hasty retreat
out of the shop.)
GORDIE
Thanks, Calvin. (He and Bert share a
concerned look about Joe. Calvin suddenly
bursts back into the shop and hands
the rest of Joe’s mail to Gordie before
hurrying out again.)
SOME WEEKS (OR MONTHS) LATER. OUTSIDE STYLIN’ JOE. Joe locks
up the shop and starts to walk away. He suddenly stops in his
tracks as he gets another vision.
FOOTAGE FROM “ABYSS”. In Ba’al’s cell.
DANIEL
Hi, Jack. (Jack looks at him. Daniel
waves.)
O’NEILL
Daniel.
DANIEL
I leave, and look at the mess you get
yourself into.
OUTSIDE STYLIN’ JOE. Joe leaps into the air.
JOE
Yes! (He cackles in delight.) Yes! (He
jumps up and hits the awning over a
shop, then jumps into the air and kicks
off a tree before dancing down the road
joyfully, laughing.)
JOE’S HOUSE. Joe runs into the house.
JOE
Charlene! You won’t ... (He runs into
a room, then out again because she’s
not there.) Charlene, Charlene, you
won’t believe it! (He runs off looking
for her and eventually finds her in
the bedroom.) Charlene? Oh, there you
are. Honey, it’s incredible! Daniel’s
still alive! I mean, I know he ascended
to a higher plain of existence but he
... he ... (He trails off as he realises
that Charlene is packing a suitcase.)
What are you doing?
CHARLENE
Andy and I are going to my mother’s
for a while. If you have even the slightest
interest in saving our marriage, you’ll
see someone who can help you.
JOE
Charlene, I don’t need a shrink. (Charlene
picks up two suitcases and walks out
of the bedroom.) Charlene!
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Charlene carries the suitcases down the steps
and puts them into the trunk of the car.
JOE
Honey, don’t do this, please! Come on!
Honey. C’mon, we can work things out!
Charlene - look, our problems are small
compared ... (Charlene gets into the
car and closes the door.) We ... just
... let’s talk. (She starts the car.)
Can we just talk this out?
CHARLENE
Goodbye, Joe. I’ll call you later. (She
drives away.)
JOE
Charlene? (He shouts after the car.)
Wait! Charlene! (He sees his neighbour
standing and watching what’s going on.
He waves to him.)
STYLIN’ JOE. Joe is in the back room writing a letter. A curtain
is drawn in the doorway between the back room and the main shop.
JOE
Dear Colonel O’Neill. I understand you
are a very busy man. However, I must
wonder if you’re actually getting each
and every piece of correspondence I
send you. I have written you many letters
and left countless messages for you
with the Air Force but I’ve yet to receive
any kind of response from you. Because
of this I realise I have no choice but
to take my life into my own hands and
come clean with you. I know everything.
(At that moment Gordie bursts through the curtain, stumbling
over something on the floor. Joe jumps.)
JOE
Jeez, Gordie!
GORDIE
Sorry.
JOE
You scared the hell out of me!
GORDIE
I’m sorry, I ...
JOE
It’s OK, Gordie, I’m just ... glad it’s
you. (As Gordie comes closer, Joe turns
over the letter he was writing so that
Gordie can’t see what’s written on it.)
GORDIE
Boss, if it’s alright with you - me
and Bert, we’re gonna head home. It
looks like nobody’s coming in again
today.
JOE
Yeah.
GORDIE
Look, I know this is kind of a bad time,
but ... (he trails off.)
JOE
What is it, Gordie?
GORDIE
Well, it’s been really slow around here
and ... I kind of dropped off an application
at the Piggly Wiggly.
JOE
I understand. You gotta do what you
gotta do.
GORDIE
Thanks, boss. Goodnight. (He turns to
leave and trips over the same thing
he fell over when he came in before
leaving the room.)
JOE
Goodnight. (He turns the letter over,
looks at it, then screws it up and tosses
it into the wastepaper bin. After a
moment, he gets up, goes over to the
bin, takes out the piece of paper and
starts to tear it into tiny pieces,
dropping the pieces back into the bin.
The view of the bin segues into ...)
FOOTAGE FROM “FALLEN”. We see Daniel, naked, lying on the ground.
CARTER
Activating hyperdrive.
(We see Joe, who is again typing his stories on his laptop.)
O’NEILL
Extending straight up.
(The F-302 does its Star Wars trench run over Anubis’ mothership.)
(Joe is now lying on his bed as his visions continue. The TV
is on but the screen has gone to static.)
FOOTAGE FROM “ORPHEUS”.
O’NEILL
C’mon, boys, have at ‘em!
(The SG troops fire at the Jaffa on Erebus. Nearby, the new ship
falls slowly to the ground.)
FOOTAGE FROM “EVOLUTION PART 2”.
(Jack fires repeatedly at Chalo, then Burke appears and blows
Chalo away.)
FOOTAGE FROM “HEROES PART 2”.
CARTER
Sir!
(On P3X-666, Teal’c turns at the sound of Sam’s cry and watches
as Jack, shot in the chest with a staff weapon, crashes to the
ground. An al’kesh flies overhead.)
ONE YEAR AGO.
PARK. Joe is sitting on a bench holding a folder. Charlene comes
over to join him. He stands as she approaches.
JOE
Thanks for seeing me. You look great!
CHARLENE
How are you?
JOE
Oh, I’m good. Uh, very good. (He gestures
to the bench and they both sit down.)
Charlene, I’m-I’m sorry about everything
that’s happened. I drove you and Andy
away - I understand that now.
CHARLENE
Joe ...
JOE
Just let me finish. I-I was too wrapped
up in the stories to realise what was
important. I promise I will focus on
rebuilding my business, on providing
for my family, if you’ll give me another
chance.
CHARLENE
It was never about the money, Joe -
it was your obsession with that stone.
JOE
I know, I know, and I owe you both an
explanation. (He reaches into the folder.)
That’s why I brought you proof that
my visions are real. (He shows her a
photograph of Jack and Kinsey, taken
at the end of “Smoke and Mirrors”.)
This is what Jack O’Neill actually looks
like. Now, I know what you’re thinking,
but I swear I saw this image in my mind
long before it was in the paper ...
CHARLENE
Joe ...
JOE
... and here: (he shows her a newspaper
clipping with the headline “Massive
solar flare erupts from sun”) this report
about massive solar flare activity from
six years ago - it coincides with the
time SG-1 destroyed Apophis’ fleet!
And this: (he shows her another clipping
headed “Soviets report submarine missing”)
about the sinking of a Russian submarine
- it happened the same time Anubis’
ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.
CHARLENE
It just means that you’re using real
people and events and incorporating
them in your fantasies.
JOE
They’re not fantasies! (He shows her
the photograph again.) Jack O’Neill
is head of Stargate Command!
CHARLENE
There is no Stargate Command! (Joe stares
at her. She speaks more quietly.) Listen
to me. I’ve been talking to several
doctors about your symptoms and they
seem to think that you might be suffering
from something called manic psychosis
combined with grandiose delusions, but
with therapy and medication you could
probably live a normal life.
(Joe stares up into the sky, distracted. He stands up, still
staring upwards.)
JOE
Oh my God! They’re fighting in Antarctica
- for Earth’s very survival!
FOOTAGE FROM “LOST CITY PART 2”.
(We see the al’kesh and gliders in combat with the F-302s. Prometheus
heads towards the cargo ship.)
PARK.
JOE
Anubis’ fleet is in orbit above us right
now!
CHARLENE
Joe, stop it, it’s not real.
JOE
You don’t understand! If Jack can’t
find a way to use the Ancients’ technology
in time, we’re all dead!
CHARLENE
Goodbye, Joe. (She stands up and walks
away. Joe calls after her.)
JOE
It’s happening, Charlene! You’ll see!
It’s real!
JOE’S HOUSE. A sign has been placed outside the house. It reads,
“Notice. Court Ordered Sale. Indiana Statute 8473”. A repossession
firm is collecting Joe’s furniture. One of the workmen walks
back to the house, wearing overalls with “Brothers Grimm Repo”
on the back. Joe is standing on the driveway looking lost as
his furniture is taken to a large van. Finally he gets into a
taxi and is driven away.
PRESENT DAY.
Joe pulls up outside Jack’s house. He reaches into the glove
compartment and takes out a pistol.
JACK’S KITCHEN. We’re back at the beginning of the episode. Joe
is holding his gun on Jack.
O’NEILL
OK, look, this obviously isn’t your
forte, so why don’t you just put the
gun down before you get hurt?
(He takes a step towards Joe, who brandishes the gun wildly.)
JOE
Don’t come any closer!
O’NEILL
I know your gun isn’t real. (He opens
a drawer in the table in front of him.)
However, (he takes out a pistol) mine
is.
JOE
Oh God! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re
right, it’s just a toy. (He drops his
gun on the floor and raises his hands.)
Please don’t shoot me.
O’NEILL
I’m not gonna shoot ya.
JOE
I’m sorry - I just thought it was the
only way to make you listen to me.
O’NEILL
Oh, where you’re goin’, people will
listen. (He picks up his cellphone and
dials.) They’ve got nothin’ to do but
listen to what you have to say. They’ve
got nice white coats, padded walls,
the whole nine yards.
JOE
Please, wait! You’re Brigadier General
Jack O’Neill, head of Stargate Command
at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command
SG-1, which is now led by Lieutenant
Colonel Samantha Carter. You once visited
a planet called Argos and the nanites
in your blood caused you to age artificially.
You had the entire repository of the
Ancients’ knowledge downloaded into
your brain - twice! You have a thing
for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen,
the colour peridot, and you’re a terrible
ping pong player.
O’NEILL
Have we met?
JOE
My name is Joe Spencer. I’m a barber.
(He looks at Jack.) It’s all true, isn’t
it? Everything I’ve seen - the Stargate,
the Goa’uld, the Asgards - it’s all
real. Tell me it’s real - I need to
know.
O’NEILL
Well, first of all, Joe, I’m not a terrible
ping pong player!
SGC. INFIRMARY. Joe is sitting on the side of a bed having some
blood taken as Jack stands nearby.
JOE
Between you and me, I totally see the
analogy - Burns as Goa’uld.
O’NEILL
Thank you!
JOE
And don’t worry - I won’t say a word
about your feelings for ...
(At that moment Sam walks in. Jack raises a finger to Joe warningly.
Joe jumps off the bed and holds out his hand to Sam. She takes
it.)
JOE
This is such an honour. I don’t know
how to thank you for all you’ve done
for our planet. There are not enough
words!
CARTER
It’s nice to meet you too. (She looks
at Jack.)
O’NEILL
Joe Spencer.
JOE
I was particularly impressed with the
time you blew up that sun.
CARTER
Well, thank you! I had a bit of help.
JOE
And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan
thing goes ...
(Jack claps his hand onto Joe’s shoulder to stop him. However,
Joe has already been distracted by the sight of Daniel walking
in.)
JOE
Doctor Jackson, can I just say, thank
goodness you’re back. (He shakes his
hand.) Not that Jonas was a bad guy,
but after all you’ve been through together,
you belong here with SG-1.
DANIEL
Thank you! Jack?!
O’NEILL
He’s a barber.
DANIEL
Broke into your house?
O’NEILL
Yeah.
DANIEL
Second week in a row.
O’NEILL
Mm-hmm.
DANIEL
Alarm.
O’NEILL
I’m thinkin’ dog.
JOE
You could try locking your front door.
BRIEFING ROOM. Joe is sitting at the table as Sam works on a
laptop on the other side of the table. Jack and Teal’c come in.
Joe stands and greets Teal’c.
JOE
Shal’kek nem’ron!
(Teal’c reaches out to shake his hand but Joe grasps his arm
in the Jaffa fashion. Teal’c looks at Jack.)
O’NEILL
Joe. A barber.
TEAL’C
Please be seated. (They sit down.)
O’NEILL
What’ve you got there, Carter?
CARTER
Well, initial tests show that Joe possesses
the same Ancient gene as you do.
JOE
I just want you to know, if you ever
need me to use the Chair device in Antarctica
in defence of the planet, I’m there.
O’NEILL
Thank you!
(Teal’c and Sam exchange a glance before Sam turns her attention
back to the laptop.)
CARTER
Other than that, his physiology is completely
normal.
TEAL’C
Do not a great many people possess this
Ancient gene?
JOE
Yeah, I mean, how come I’m the only
one seeing these things?
O’NEILL
Yes, good question. (He turns to Sam.)
Pray tell.
CARTER
Unfortunately our knowledge of Ancient
physiology is fairly limited. The only
other thing we know is that Joe has
somehow managed to gain access to huge
amounts of classified information, mainly
in regard to SG-1, and that these visions
are somehow connected to the stone he
found.
O’NEILL
Anything on that?
CARTER
Daniel’s looking into it. He did say
there was something familiar about it.
TEAL’C
You claim to receive these visions only
within the proximity of the stone. Perhaps
there is a connection between the stone
and your genetic predispositions.
(Joe is staring at Teal’c.)
JOE
I know that hair makes you look different,
but didn’t you use to be more gold-coloured?
(Daniel comes up the stairs.)
DANIEL
I think I’ve got it! Took me a while
to track it down but ... (He puts Joe’s
stone down on the table and lays a second
identical stone beside it.)
JOE
You have one too?!
DANIEL
They’re a set. Jack, you remember P3R-233?
The planet where I ...
JOE
... where you found the quantum mirror
that sent you to an alternate reality
where the Goa’uld invaded Earth.
(Daniel looks at Jack and nods in confirmation.)
FLASHBACK. It’s after the events of “There But For The Grace
Of God,” “Within the Serpent’s Grasp” and “The Serpent’s Lair.”
Daniel, with long hair, is in his office looking at some artefacts.
Jack comes in.
O’NEILL
Hey, fella.
DANIEL
Hey, Jack.
O’NEILL
This all the stuff we brought back from
...?
DANIEL
P3R-233? Yeah. Coming to help me catalogue
it?
O’NEILL
You bet(!) My favourite. But it’s all
gonna have to wait. Hammond called a
briefing. (He picks up one of the artefacts
- it’s the stone.) We got some intel
back indicating that Apophis may not
be so dead as we thought. (He looks
at the stone and seems distracted.)
... Something about ... Chulak.
THE PRESENT.
DANIEL
I think the stones were a kind of Ancient
long-range communication device allowing
people to see events over great distances
by assuming a sort of psychic connection.
Now, Jack must have activated the link
between the stones by picking up the
second stone. Now, after that, all that
would be required is a certain proximity
to the stone for the connection to be
activated. Now, seeing as the stone
has been stored in the base archives
...
O’NEILL
But that doesn’t explain how the other
stone got to the ... where? Where was
it?
TEAL’C
A garage sale.
JOE
The person who sold it to me said his
grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt.
CARTER
But that still doesn’t explain the proximity
issue. I mean, if the stone General
O’Neill touched was kept here, how was
Joe able to see everything that happened
to the general offworld?
DANIEL
Maybe he was getting most of it from
when Jack was writing his reports right
here on the base. The stone was being
stored just a few levels above.
JOE
That’s why the stories were so easy
to write. It was like someone else had
done most of the work for me!
O’NEILL
And you say they all got rejected?
(Joe nods. Jack looks hurt.)
CARTER
Wait a second - if the stones work the
way Daniel says, shouldn’t General O’Neill
have been able to see elements of Joe’s
life as well?
DANIEL
Theoretically, yes, he would.
(Everyone looks round at Jack. Jack raises his eyebrows. Joe
looks nervously at him.)
FLASH.
We see Joe sitting in his chair at the barber’s, reading the
paper.
We see Joe trimming his nostril hairs in the mirror.
We see a tenpin bowling ball rolling down the aisle and getting
a strike.
In the Briefing Room, Jack smiles at Joe.
O’NEILL
Bowling league, Thursday nights?
JOE
You saw that?!
O’NEILL
You got game, son!
DANIEL
Wait a minute. Jack - you’ve been seeing
parts of the life of a barber in Indiana
for seven years and you never mentioned
it?
O’NEILL
Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.
(SG-1 look at each other. Sam shakes her head.)
CARTER
No. No, you didn’t, sir.
O’NEILL
I didn’t?
DANIEL
You didn’t find that the least bit odd?
O’NEILL
Actually, no - I found it quite ...
relaxing.
PARK. Joe is sitting on the bench again. He stands as Charlene
comes over.
JOE
Charlene.
CHARLENE
I only have about ten minutes, then
I really need to get right back to work.
(Behind her, a black Air Force car pulls
up.) Um, there’s no easy way to say
this - I want a divorce.
JOE
I know. I mean, you have every right
to. But, before we get to that, there’s
someone who’d like to meet you. Here
he comes now. (Jack, in his dress uniform,
walks over to join them.) Charlene -
meet General Jack O’Neill of the United
States Air Force.
(Jack takes his hat off and offers his hand to Charlene.)
O’NEILL
It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am.
(Charlene nervously shakes his hand.)
I think we have some things to talk
about.
(Charlene looks at Joe as Jack gestures to the park bench. The
three of them sit down, and the camera pulls back as Jack starts
to talk.)
THE END
|
