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                                      STARGATE SG1

                                      Episode 316

                                         "URGO"

                                           By

                                 Tor Alexander Valenza




               CONTROL ROOM

               
               SG-1 and Hammond are watching a screen that appears to show a 
               beach paradise.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Probe indicates a sustainable atmosphere. 
                         Temperature's 78 degrees farenheit, 
                         barometric pressures normal.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         No obvious signs of civilisation.

               
                                     CARTER
                         P4X 884 looks like an untouched paradise, 
                         sir.
 
               
                                     TEAL'C
                         Appearances may be deceiving.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
 
                         
               
                                     DANIEL
                         A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Never run with scissors?

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Were you trying to make a point, Major?
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Yes, sir. We should perform a standard 
                         recon mission. Mineral and biological 
                         survey to determine whether 884 is a 
                         viable site for a research colony.
 
                         
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Very well. You have a go.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Mmm! Mineral survey. My favourite!
 
                         
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Colonel.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         I know, General. It's all fun and games 
                         until someone breaks a nail.
 
               
               Hammond just looks at him. Jack shrugs and leaves.

               
               Gateroom

               
               SG-1 is kitted up.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Au revoir, mon general.

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao. 
                         Ciao means adios. Auf wiedersehen. Sayonara. 
                         Which all, very loosely translated, 
                         means...
 
               
               They step through the Gate.

               
               And they step back through the Gate into the Gateroom. Hammond 
               is waiting.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Goodbye?

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Stand down. What happened?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         What happened?

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         That's what I just asked you. Will someone 
                         please explain?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         General, we just left. We went through 
                         the Gate and we came back.. here.
 
                         
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Major, you've been gone over 15 hours.
 
                         
               
               TITLES

               
               Infirmary

               
               SG-1 are sat on beds and a chair. From the left, Daniel, Jack, 
               Sam, Teal'c.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Bloodwork is normal. So far, you check 
                         out fine.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         What about the lost time?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Could we have been drugged with something 
                         that leaves no trace?
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Externally, there's no new marks or 
                         bruises on your skin to indicate injections 
                         or any kind of struggle. What's the 
                         last thing you remember?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         We were walking up the ramp.

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         O'Neill was explaining the meaning of 
                         ciao.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         We stepped through, we stepped back 
                         through. That's what happened as far 
                         as we're concerned.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         When you didn't come back on schedule, 
                         we sent a second MALP. But all it showed 
                         was the same image of the alien planet 
                         we saw before. There was no sign of 
                         you and no response to our radio call.
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         That's why there were two MALP's in 
                         the Gateroom when we came back.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Both came back just before you arrived. 
                         We assumed you sent them.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         It wasn't us, sir.

               
               Briefing Room

               
                                     CARTER
                         This is the Mark II MALP's transmission.
 
                         
               
               Sam inserts a disc and the picture of the beach comes up.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         That's what we saw, Major.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Yes, sir. Same as the first. Except 
                         where is it? If this is the second MALP's 
                         transmission, we should be able to see 
                         the first MALP somewhere here, near 
                         the Stargate.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Isn't that thing supposed to... probe 
                         a little?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Well there'd be track, sir, and there 
                         are none, at least nowhere in this image. 
                         Watch what happens when you run the 
                         playback frame by frame.
 
               
               Jack walks over to Daniel and offers him coffee.

               
               Sam runs the playback, frame by frame and then stops.

               
                                     CARTER
                         There.

               
               There is an image of a lab and the MALP.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Hello.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         What is it?

               
                                     CARTER
                         I'm not sure, sir. Their technology 
                         appears to be advanced beyond ours.
 
                         
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Then the previous image was faked?
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         There's no other explanation, sir. The 
                         initial images portraying this planet 
                         as a paradise seem to have been manufactured 
                         and then broadcast back to us through 
                         the MALP.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Why?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Possibly with the purpose of luring 
                         us into this room.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         See? I knew it was too good to be true.
 
                         
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Wow! This coffee's great.

               
                                     CARTER
                         I was just thinking that.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Yeah, is that cinnamon?

               
                                     DANIEL
                         It's, uh, it's chicory.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Mmm, chicory.

               
               Teal'c unscrews the lid off the pot Jack brought to the table. 
               He then proceeds to drink from it.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Teal'c?

               
               Teal'c finishes and sighs.

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         Ah!

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Isn't that hot?

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         Extremely.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Just stay on the base. We're going to 
                         have to keep an eye on you for the time 
                         being.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         I feel fine.

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         As do I Daniel Jackson.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         For someone who just drank half a gallon 
                         of steaming hot coffee?!
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Right.

               
               Commisary

               
               Jack is sitting at a table looking over some papers. He has a 
               piece of pie with him and starts to eat it. He looks back at 
               the pie and picks another forkful up to smell it. He then picks 
               up the whole piece and eats it.
 
               
               MALP Room

               
               Sam is checking over the MALP's when she suddenly gets up and 
               walks off.
 
               
               Daniel's office

               
               Daniel is sitting writing something when he suddenly gets up 
               and walks off.
 
               
               Commisary

               
               Sam and Daniel open the doors to find Jack sitting and eating 
               at a table with all of the desserts on.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Hungry?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Yeah.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Try the pie.

               
               Daniel sits down next to Jack, Sam opposite Jack and Teal'c next 
               to Sam. The SF's who were assigned to watch them sit at a table 
               behind.
 
               
               Daniel starts to eat the pie, Sam eats blue jello, Jack is eating 
               yoghurt and Teal'c is eating some kind of cake.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         So I'm running a full diagnostic on 
                         the....
 
               
               She puts the jello in her mouth.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Wow!

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Oh, yeah.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         This is the best pie I've ever had.
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Well, what's so different about it?
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Same old pie.

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         It is most satisfying.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Why do they taste so good?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         I don't know. All I do know is.. I don't 
                         even like yoghurt.
 
               
                                     TANNOY
                         SG-1, report to Medlab 3.

               
               They get up to leave. When Jack reaches the door he stops, banging 
               into the SF's.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Wait. Sorry.. Sorry.

               
               He picks up a piece of pie to take with him.

               
               Medlab 3

               
                                     FRAISER
                         These scans have a certain percentage 
                         of error. Basically, it looks like an 
                         errant pixel.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         But it's in the exact same place in 
                         each of the scans.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Yeah. Thank you. So I had to run a comparitive 
                         analysis on the computer to be sure. 
                         It's in the exact same spot in each 
                         of your brains but you're talking about 
                         something smaller than the head of a 
                         pin.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Barely large enough to show up on an 
                         x-ray.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Right. Which is why I also needed to 
                         run an electron resonance scan and.. 
                         This is, uh, magnified several thousand 
                         times, sir.
 
               
               She puts the scan up and we see it looks like a metal ball.
 
               
               
                                     DANIEL
                         That thing's in all of us?

               
                                     FRAISER
                         I'm afraid so.

               
               Medlab 3.

               
               Hammond has arrived.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Can these devices be removed?

               
                                     FRAISER
                         Not without causing irreparable brain 
                         damage, sir.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         What's the downside?

               
                                     FRAISER
                         How they were implanted without any 
                         external marks or injury to the cortex 
                         is beyond me.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Can you determine what threat they pose?
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Apparently all desserts on base are 
                         in grave danger.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         We've determined that there's a barely 
                         measurable electromagnetic field being 
                         emitted by the devices. But I'm not 
                         sure what that means.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Well, so far, all we've noticed are 
                         some cravings and a certain increased 
                         acuity in our senses.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Especially taste and smell.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Until we find out the true purpose of 
                         these objects, I'm quarantining you 
                         in the Level 22 isolation quarters with 
                         a 24-hour guard.
 
               
               Level 22 Isolation Quarters

               
               Sam is at the computer, Daniel and Teal'c are playing a game 
               and Jack is playing on a gameboy.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Boring!

               
               Jack looks round and Sam looks up.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Who said that?

               
                                     DANIEL
                         It wasn't me.

               
                                     URGO
                         What d'you say we all go do something?
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Teal'c? Did you hear that?

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         I did.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Who's there?

               
                                     URGO
                         Okay! I'll make it so you can all see 
                         me, but only because you asked.
 
               
               A man suddenly appears in front of them.

               
                                     URGO
                         You all can see me, right?

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Apparently.

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh, good, I'm so glad. Hello, hello, 
                         hello. Now you all say it.
 
               
                                     ALL
                         Hello, Urgo.

               
                                     URGO
                         Do you know, you're all much better 
                         looking on the outside than you are 
                         on the inside? On the inside, it's so 
                         complicated. Oooh, please!
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Airman! Could you come here? Do you 
                         see an intruder in this room anywhere?
 
                         
               
               The Airman looks round.

               
                                     AIRMAN
                         No sir.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Right. Dismissed.

               
               The Airman leaves.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         All right. What are you?

               
                                     URGO
                         Urgo.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Which might explain why we all just 
                         said, "Hello Urgo."
 
               
                                     URGO
                         No, you are not dreaming.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         You read our thoughts?

               
                                     URGO
                         Don't panic. Just the thoughts you're 
                         having at the moment.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Of course. You're actually...in our 
                         heads, aren't you?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         You are so smart Samantha. I love that 
                         about you.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Carter?

               
                                     CARTER
                         The technology implanted in our brains, 
                         sir. We're looking at some sort of visual 
                         communication interface: controlled 
                         hallucination.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         So... I.. uh.... what?

               
                                     URGO
                         He gets confused! By the way, who is 
                         Mary Steenburgen?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         This is incredible. I mean, the devices 
                         must be linked somehow. Dr Fraiser said 
                         they're all emitting a small EM field 
                          like radio frequencies.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Are you saying the devices in our brains 
                         are some sort of wireless computer network?
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Yeah, an incredibly sophisticated one, 
                         obviously able to work over significant 
                         distance. I mean, that's why we were 
                         all drawn to the commissary when Colonel 
                         O'Neill was eating dessert.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         He can make us do stuff?

               
                                     URGO
                         No, never. In spite of what you're thinking, 
                         never.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         But you can make suggestions, can't 
                         you. And enhance our sensory perception 
                         and experiences.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Like making things taste better?

               
                                     URGO
                         Well, didn't it?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Well, why not? I mean, he's tapped into 
                         our brains. He's making us all see and 
                         hear him.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Boring! By the way, who decorated this 
                         room? It is so plain. Please don't tell 
                         me your whole planet's like this. Not 
                         the whole planet! Hey, couldn't we go 
                         someplace else  that's not here? Someplace, 
                         y'know, that's not here? Um, kree! Anywhere. 
                         Boring!
 
               
               Infirmary

               
               SG-1 is back sat on the beds. From the left, Teal'c, Daniel, 
               Sam, Jack. Janet is stood near the door, as is Urgo although 
               she can't see him.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Okay. So what does he look like?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         A famous tenor.

               
                                     URGO
                         What's this?

               
                                     FRAISER
                         And you're seeing the exact same thing 
                         at the exact same time?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Yep.

               
                                     URGO
                         What is this?

               
                                     CARTER
                         It's a defibrillator.

               
               Janet looks confused.

               
                                     URGO
                         Ahh, interesting. Thank you. Is it... 
                         defibrillating... now?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         He, um... it seems to crave new experiences. 
                          You use the paddles to administer an 
                         electric shock to people who's hearts 
                         are beating irregularly.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Ahhh. And then they feel better? Does 
                         it feel good? Does it hurt? Woo! It 
                         hurts!
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         I would think so.

               
                                     URGO
                         Let's try it!

               
                                     DANIEL
                         No, I don't think so.

               
                                     URGO
                         Why not? It's not gonna kill you is 
                         it? Or is it?
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         It talks to you?

               
                                     CARTER
                         I think it's experiencing things through 
                         us, using our senses to collect information.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                          Try the paddles.

               
               Teal'c gets up.

               
                                     FRAISER
                         So do you experience any... physi..cal 
                         sensations?
 
               
               Teal'c goes to the defibrillator and switches it on.

               
                                     FRAISER
                         Hey!

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Teal'c!

               
                                     URGO
                         Will you loosen up?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Hey.... I'm loose.

               
                                     CARTER
                         He doesn't have total control over us. 
                         Just the power of suggestion.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         He also seems to be able to enhance 
                         our enjoyment of certain experiences 
                         in order to motivate us.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Really?

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         He appears unresponsive to direct questioning.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                         No, no that's not true. I'm picking 
                         your brains. You can pick my brains. 
                         I'll tell you anything you wanna know. 
                         Ask me. Ask me anything. What? What?
 
                         
               
                                     TEAL'C
                         Tell us how to remove you from our brains.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                         Oh... (blows raspberry) Except that! 
                         Duh!
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         You said anything.

               
                                     URGO
                         Wait a minute. Why do you want to remove 
                         me from your brains, don't you understand, 
                         I'm in your brains. I know you like 
                         me. What are you trying to... You can't 
                         fool me.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         No Urgo. We don't like you.

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh admit it, tough guy. A smidgen?
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         No smidgen.

               
                                     URGO
                         I wouldn't blame you. I have a lot of 
                         endearing qualities.
 
               
                                     TEAL'C
                         He will not co-operate O'Neill.

               
                                     URGO
                         Why you.... Years from now, when you're 
                         thinking about me, you'll say... "How 
                         did I ever get along without that wonderful 
                         constant companion?" Woof.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Years from now?

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Woof?

               
                                     URGO
                         There is no way to remove me from your 
                         brains. Forget about it.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         What are you doing in our brains in 
                         the first place?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Well, she got it. You got it. I'm here 
                         to learn. I'm here to experience your 
                         world.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         So we've been tagged  like we do with 
                         animals in the wild when we want to 
                         study them.
 
               
                                     TEAL'C
                         We are not wild animals.

               
                                     URGO
                         Speak for yourself, big fella.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Hang on a second. The race who created 
                         you and put these things in our brains. 
                         They're gonna want the information you're 
                         collecting at some point.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         I suppose.

               
                                     CARTER
                         So how do they get it?

               
                                     URGO
                         You don't want to know.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Let's say I do.

               
                                     URGO
                         Don't worry. You will never have to 
                         find out.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Aren't you programmed? I mean, how can 
                         you defy your creators?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Because they're evil, really scary evil, 
                         and we don't want anything to do with 
                         them.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         So maybe, if we contact whoever made 
                         the technology....
 
               
                                     URGO
                         That would be bad. Very bad.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Why should we listen to you?

               
                                     URGO
                         Okay, I know that you only like me a 
                         little bit, but I like you a lot and 
                         I do not want you to die.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Die?

               
                                     URGO
                         Yes, as in dead. They're gonna kill 
                         ya. They'll open your brains with a 
                         big giant can opener, and then they 
                         scoop me out with a big scoopy thing. 
                         That's how it works. It's death or me. 
                         Me or death. You have to decide. Me.. 
                         or death.
 
               
               There's silence.

               
                                     URGO
                         Well?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         We're thinking.

               
               Briefing room

               
                                     URGO
                         (Singing) Me me me me me-me me me-me. 
                         Me, me, me me me. Me me me me me-me-me. 
                         Me-me me-me me me me me-me me.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Will you stop it?

               
                                     URGO
                         Jeez!

               
               Hammond and Janet look on at Jack gesturing at nothing. An Airman 
               behind the chair signals to himself and Jack signals back no. 
               Jack then looks back at Hammond.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Please.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         So this technology is living vicariously 
                         through you?
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         I say we risk it all and go back to 
                         the planet.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         What if he's telling the truth about 
                         his creators?
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         There's no way to get him out of us 
                         here, right?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         No. No way.

               
                                     FRAISER
                         No.

               
                                     URGO
                         See? She knows.

               
                                     CARTER
                         maybe there's another way. I haven't 
                         had much time to study the technology 
                         but I could at least try to figure out 
                         a way to turn him off.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Turn me off?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Please.

               
                                     URGO
                         You're wasting your time. It's impossible! 
                         Hey! I got an idea. Why don't we play 
                         hide and seek? You hide, and I'll, you 
                         know, I'm not gonna cheat. You know, 
                         cos I have....But I'm not gonna. One, 
                         two, three...
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                         Four. Five.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Thank you.

               
                                     URGO
                         Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

               
               He looks up and everyone has left.

               
               Corridor

               
                                     CARTER
                         I don't have time to play, Urgo. I don't 
                         care if I'm "it". Because I have work 
                         to do. No I am not hungry. Look, go 
                         eat pie with Colonel O'Neill. I am very 
                         busy right now.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Major.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Hi. I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
 
                         
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         I see.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Oh, I wish you did.

               
                                     FRAISER
                         All right, look, Urgo, Major Carter 
                         would like....
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Ahh, Janet he's....over here.

               
                                     FRAISER
                         Well then Urgo, Major Carter would very 
                         much like to be left alone.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Janet, um, as much as I appreciate it, 
                         please... Urgo that is rude!
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         What did he say?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Uh.... if you'll excuse me, I have work 
                         to do.
 
               
               Sam leaves.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Doctor, are we entirely sure that the 
                         members of SG-1 are... What's the word?
 
                         
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Sane?

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         That's the one.

               
                                     FRAISER
                         Yes sir. Remember, everything we hear 
                         or see is processed in the brain. Urgo 
                         is creating an image of himself that 
                         they're responding to just like they 
                         would you or me.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         If you say so.

               
               Sam's lab

               
               She picks up a cup of coffee and Urgo appears behind her.

               
                                     URGO
                         Way off. Not even close. Not a chance. 
                         Forget about it.
 
               
               Jack, Daniel and Teal'c walk in.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Carter.

               
                                     CARTER
                         I believe I have a solution, sir.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Please!

               
                                     CARTER
                         The electromagnetic field these devices 
                         generate indicates they're still based 
                         on electric principles.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         So smart and yet.... So wrong.

               
                                     CARTER
                         I don't think so. An EM pulse should 
                         do it, sir.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Ahhh!

               
               Sam pours hot coffee on her hand.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Ow!

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh! Oooh!

               
                                     CARTER
                         Urgo, that's hot!

               
                                     URGO
                         I didn't mean to.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Yes, you did. Now stop it. Fact is, 
                         sir, Urgo's been trying to distract 
                         like this since I first started thinking 
                         about it so I'm probably on the right 
                         track.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm really 
                         sorry.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         I'll live.

               
                                     URGO
                         She forgives me.

               
                                     CARTER
                         A strong enough EM pulse can knock out 
                         most electronic based technologies. 
                         It would be harmless to us but should 
                         render Urgo impotent.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Could you, uh... rephrase that?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Do it!

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh please, please don't do this.

               
               Sam goes round the room shutting things off.

               
                                     URGO
                         Hey listen. I really didn't mean to 
                         scald you. I- I like you. I really, 
                         really do. Uh, please, it was an accident.
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         This room is shielded so it won't effect 
                         any of the base's technology.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Don't do this, please. What can I do 
                         to make you like me?
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         You sure this won't hurt us?

               
                                     UEGO
                         No. It's gonna hurt me.

               
                                     CARTER
                         We won't even feel it.

               
                                     URGO
                         But I will. I throw myself at your mercy. 
                         Please, have mercy. Ooh I know. I can 
                         be smaller.
 
               
               Urgo appears smaller on the table.

               
                                     URGO
                         How's this?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Ready?

               
               Urgo reduces in size even more.

               
                                     URGO
                         I'm here. Look how teeny-weeny I am! 
                         How could anything this teeny-weeny 
                         hurt anybody?
 
               
               Urgo suddenly appears behind Jack who jumps.

               
                                     URGO
                         Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? 
                         What a nice shade of grey. How about 
                         some white bread with mayonnaise? Wanna 
                         watch golf on television?
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Will you flip that switch? 

               
                                     URGO
                         No. Oh. How about this?

               
               Urgo turns into an Air Force officer who happens to be Peter 
               DeLuise. 
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Can you resist this?

               
               Sam pushes a few buttons and Urgo starts to flicker.

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh, don't do that. Oh, sacrebleu! I'm 
                         melting. I'm melting! What a world! 
                         What a world...
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Pulse hasn't gone off yet, Urgo. It's 
                         on a timer.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Oh. How much time do I....

               
               Urgo disappears.

               
               Sam starts to turn screens back on.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         That's it?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Yep.

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         I feel no differently.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Listen.

               
                                     CARTER
                         What?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Exactly.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Way to go, Sam.

               
                                     CARTER
                         We'll see.

               
               Infirmary

               
               SG-1 are back on the bed. From the left, Jack, Teal'c, Daniel, 
               Sam.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         The devices are still present, but the 
                         EM field that was being emitted by them 
                         is gone. Everything else checks out 
                         to me.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Request permission for SG-1 to go back 
                         to work, sir.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Give it a week.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         A week?

               
               Janet's Office

               
               SG-1 are shown on cameras in their VIP rooms. Teal'c is meditating, 
               Daniel is working, Jack is throwing a ball about. Sam is sitting 
               in front of Janet.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Well.. everything looks normal. How 
                         are you feeling?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Great. I just want to get back to work.
 
                         
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Well assuming you are cleared by next 
                         weekend, Cassandra and I are going to 
                         the lake and we are going to rent a 
                         rowboat. Would you like to come along?
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Yeah, I'd love to.

               
                                     FRAISER
                         Great. Can you send Daniel up next?
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Yeah, okay.

               
               Sam gets up. She walks out and starts singing `Row, row, row 
               your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, 
               merrily. Life is....'
 
               
               On the screen of Jack's VIP room, he also starts to sing.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream. 
                         And row, row, row your boat...
 
               
               Janet switches up the sound on the screens.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Row, row, row your boat Gently down 
                         the stream.
 
               
                                     TEAL'C
                         Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life 
                         is but a dream.
 
               
               Briefing room

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         I was not singing. I'd know if I was 
                         singing. I don't even know the words 
                         to...
 
               
               Janet switches on a tape. Jack is singing.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Okay. If you call that singing.

               
               Janet switches the tape off.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Urgo. 

               
               Urgo appears next to Janet.

               
                                     URGO
                         I couldn't help myself.

               
               Jack drops his head on the table.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         No!

               
                                     CARTER
                         I was so sure it would work.

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh it did. Don't feel bad. It did work 
                         for a while. Everything went away. It 
                         was very sad. Very, very sad. And then 
                         all of a sudden, I was back in your 
                         brains, where I belong.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         The system must have some sort of reset. 
                         I'm sorry.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         I'm sorry too, because as long as that 
                         device is capable of influencing you 
                         in any way, you're relieved of active 
                         duty.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Oh General, is that really necessary?
 
                         
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         I believe it is. Whether you admit it 
                         or not, you've been compromised. The 
                         fact is, an alien entity has control 
                         over you  however limited. We don't 
                         know what it's capable of.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         He can't actually make us do anything 
                         we don't want to, sir.
 
               
                                     FRAISER
                         Then why did I have to treat your arm 
                         for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was 
                         responsible?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         I didn't mean to.

               
               
                                     TEAL'C
                         It was not his intention.

               
               Urgo gives Teal'c a thumbs up.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         I trust I've made my point.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Come on Urgo. Be a mensch. How do we 
                         get rid of ya?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         I have no idea. I really... I just don't 
                         know.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         He really may not know, sir.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         How could he not know?

               
                                     CARTER
                         He's just the program.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Program?

               
                                     CARTER
                         All I'm saying is that your software 
                         doesn't know how your computer works.
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Hey! My software doesn't make me sing 
                         Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Please. Please don't fight. I'm here. 
                         What's the difference how? Look, I'm 
                         not gonna make another noise. Not a 
                         peep. Nothing. I'm gonna be quiet, like 
                         a little tiny mouse  not a peep. Watch. 
                         I've got an idea! Why don't we play 
                         a game  some sort of a wonderful game? 
                         Something with a dictionary, it's so 
                         much fun. You know, you get a word and....you 
                         write what you think the word is. Oh, 
                         it's a lot of laughs  and educational. 
                         It's really nice. I think you'll like 
                         it.
 
               
               Control Room

               
                                     TECH ALBERTS
                         Chevron seven encoded and locked.

               
               The Gate engages and the MALP goes through.

               
               SG-1 are in the control room looking at a video of the MALP going 
               through the Gate.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         What's that?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Actually, that's our version of you.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                         But not as suave and sophisticated, 
                         n'est-ce pas?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         It's equipped with sensors, video camera, 
                         microphone. We use it to explore in 
                         much the same way you do.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Carter.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Sorry. I don't know why I was telling 
                         him that.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Hello.

               
               The MALP reaches the other side and we see the paradise beach 
               again.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Oh, how beautiful. Can we go there?
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         It's an illusion. Your creators do this 
                         in order to lure people into their trap.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                         See, I told you they were mean. That's 
                         mean!
 
               
                                     TECH ALBERTS
                         The MALP is online, General.

               
               Hammond speaks over the microphone.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         This is General Hammond of the planet 
                         Earth. We know the images being transmitted 
                         to us are false. We request a dialogue. 
                         Please respond.
 
               
                                     URGO
                          Why is he doing that?

               
                                     DANIEL
                         We're trying to communicate with your 
                         creators.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         No. Bad. No.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         It's our last alternative before we 
                         resort to actually going back there.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                          You know, you were just thinking about 
                         that island Maui, with the big beaches 
                         and little bikinis. That's where we 
                         should go because it's very nice and 
                         warm there  instead of being here.
 
                         
               
               Sam turns to look at Jack and smiles. Jack shrugs as if to say 
               he doesn't know what Urgo is talking about.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         Who dares challenge Togar?

               
                                     URGO
                          That voice. That's him!

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Dr Jackson?

               
               Daniel goes over to the mic.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         This is Dr Daniel Jackson. We don't 
                         mean to challenge you. We've discovered 
                         the devices you implanted in our brains. 
                         We'd like you to remove them. Him.
 
                         
               
                                     TOGAR
                         Him?

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Urgo.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         How do you know this name?

               
                                     DANIEL
                         He told us. He interacts with us.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         He's driving us crazy.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         That is an error. Return the subjects. 
                         Urgo will be removed.
 
               
               The Gate closes.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         You heard the man.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Sir, we could be risking our lives.
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Okay. Let's ask the question: Do we 
                         wanna give up SG-1 and walk around the 
                         rest of our lives with him yappin' away 
                         in our heads?
 
               
                                     URGO
                          Yes. Say yes.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Or....do we take the risk and try to 
                         find a way to get rid of him so we can 
                         get on with our lives?
 
               
                                     URGO
                          No. Say no.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Sorry... Urgo.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         That's good enough. Teal'c?

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         If we are to remain in the service of 
                         this world, Urgo must be removed.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                         Sam. Sammy. You like me. I remind you 
                         of your Uncle Irving. Bubelah!  Remember?
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Yeah, I guess you do a little.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Carter.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Sorry. Sorry.... I guess I say we go.
 
                         
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Then it's settled.

               
               SG1 Locker Room

               
               Sg-1 are getting ready.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         What do you suppose Togar really meant 
                         by "an error"?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         I suppose he meant Urgo wasn't supposed 
                         to be interacting with us.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Oh please. Please don't go. He's gonna 
                         kill you. He really will. He's nasty. 
                         It'll be a painful and awful death. 
                         Honest. Okay, okay. Fine. He's gonna 
                         kill me. You heard him! Oh, you people, 
                         for cryin' out loud. Don't you have 
                         any feelings?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Do you?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Carter! Why do you humour him? He's 
                         obviously programmed for self preservation.
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Sir, that voice, Togar, said that this 
                         was an error. We're probably not even 
                         supposed to know he's here. You aren't 
                         supposed to be interacting with us, 
                         are you?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Well, um... Actually, when I first, 
                         uh...and we got to be f... Technically? 
                         No.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Can you describe how you're feeling 
                         right now?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Me? Nervous. Agitated. A little hungry.
 
                         
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Afraid?

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh sure. Okay.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Of what?

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh, going away, like last time. Not 
                         experiencing. Not being here with you.
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Of death?

               
                                     URGO
                         Ooh yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. Big time. 
                         He's gonna kill me and that's why...that 
                         death thing keeps popping up.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Sir...

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Carter.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Wait a minute Jack.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Daniel.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         By definition, what constitutes a sentient 
                         life form?
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Self awareness. Consciousness.

               
                                     URGO
                         I'm me. No doubt about that. What else?
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         The ability to think independently.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                         I'm independent. I just, you know... 
                         like company.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Fear of death.

               
                                     URGO
                         I got that too!

               
               Jack gets up.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         You're not going to convince me it's 
                         alive. Look!
 
               
               Jack waves him arms through Urgo.

               
                                     URGO
                         Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         He's not really here. He's here. In 
                         our heads.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         There are plenty of life forms that 
                         require other life forms to live.
 
                         
               
                                     TEAL'C
                         Then you are a parasite. Like the Goa'uld.
 
                         
               
                                     URGO
                          A parasite. Like the goa'uld.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Or a Tok'ra. I mean, just being parasitical 
                         by nature doesn't make you inherently 
                         bad.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         It's a machine.

               
                                     URGO
                         That hurts.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Sir, he's artificial intelligence but 
                         just because somebody made him doesn't 
                         mean he isn't alive.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Listen to her!

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         So what are you saying?

               
                                     CARTER
                         I'm saying we should consider it. Maybe 
                         this error wasn't really an error at 
                         all, but rather some kind of higher 
                         technological evolution. The birth of 
                         a whole new life form.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         I can't believe I'm saying this, but 
                         I think I agree with Sam.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         What?

               
                                     CARTER
                         Well Sir, it's just..

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         No! Hammond said it. We've been compromised. 
                         Now we explain the situation to this 
                         Toga and we let him deal with Hugo once 
                         he's out of our heads.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Urgo.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Urgo.

               
               Jack goes to pick up his jacket.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Let's go.

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh. I'm doomed.

               
               Planet

               
               SG-1 step through the Gate. A beam suddenly activates and deposits 
               them in a lab without their jackets and weapons.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         I hate it when that happens.

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh, this is bad. This is very bad. Very 
                         bad.
 
               
               A door then opens.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         Do not move or I will render you unconscious. 
                         If necessary.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         You're Togar?

               
                                     TOGAR
                         Yes! Togar.

               
                                     URGO
                         As handsome as he is evil.

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         There is no reason to fear us.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         I fear you not.

               
               Togar whistles and the door closes.

               
                                     URGO
                         Ooh, he's a madman. He's an evil, terrible 
                         madman. Run for your lives.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         I hear you. Be silent.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Wait! You hear him?

               
                                     TOGAR
                         Yes. Hear and see.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Then you should be able to see he's 
                         afraid.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         Relocate. Hmm.

               
                                     URGO
                         While I'm being silent, Togar, I'd like 
                         to point out, when I called you a madman, 
                         I meant it in the nicest possible way.
 
                         
               
               Togar walks over to a glass dome.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         Come. Come forward. Come forth. Stay.
 
                         
               
               He waves his hand over the dome and an animal appears.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         Watch.

               
               A laser comes into the animals head and removes the implant without 
               hurting it,
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         Urgo... is this. The specimen is unharmed.
 
                         
               
               He waves his hand and the animal disappears.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         As you will be.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         What about Urgo?

               
                                     TOGAR
                         It will be destroyed.

               
                                     URGO
                         See? What'd I tell you? Oh please, don't 
                         let him do this to me. Teal'c? Help. 
                         Kree! Jump him. Give him a double Jaffa-jaffa 
                         kick. Go on.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         The technology you invented is very 
                         advanced.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         Yes.

               
                                     URGO
                         It's because they're all too scared 
                         to go out and experience things for 
                         themselves.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         Enough!

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Look, we're very grateful that you're 
                         willing to take Urgo out of our minds.
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         The point is, we think Urgo may actually 
                         be alive.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         He is an error.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Maybe he is. Another word for it might 
                         be miracle.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         That is ridiculous.

               
                                     CARTER
                         Well, what you call an error has somehow 
                         resulted in life. He's self aware, he's 
                         acting and thinking independently, he's 
                         afraid of his own death. By any definition, 
                         he's acting alive.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         All we're saying is that maybe there's 
                         a way of doing this without.... Killing 
                         him.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         There is not!

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Okay. Had to ask.

               
                                     CARTER
                         I don't understand. Why not?

               
                                     TOGAR
                         The unit must be in a life form. It 
                         cannot exist on it's own.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         There has to be some way. You created 
                         it.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         You'd be killing something you gave 
                         life.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         Dad.....

               
               Togar looks at Urgo.

               
                                     URGO
                         That's a terrible idea. I'd rather die 
                         a painful and horrible death.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         It was just a thought.

               
                                     URGO
                         I wanna live. I wanna experience the 
                         universe and I wanna eat pie.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Who doesn't?

               
                                     TOGAR
                         Enough babbling. Explain.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         I was just thinking that maybe you'd 
                         wanna put Urgo in.. you.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         No! No, I wouldn't do that. I'd rather 
                         be in that little... and the eyes... 
                         No!
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         The purpose of the technology is to 
                         observe and explore.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         But the technology is different now.
 
                         
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Look, we don't know you very well, but 
                         I get the distinct feeling Urgo is everything 
                         you're not.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         You can say that again.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         But I think he's everything you wish 
                         you were. Outgoing, adventuresome.
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Annoying.

               
                                     DANIEL
                         Look, it would be a chance to change. 
                         To maybe... experience some of the things 
                         you're afraid to do yourself.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         No! Not afraid.

               
                                     TEAL'C
                         Why do you not explore worlds through 
                         the Stargate yourself?
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         It could help me learn how the error 
                         occurred.
 
               
                                     CARTER
                         Then you'll do it?

               
                                     TOGAR
                         I could try.

               
                                     URGO
                         Count me out. I don't wanna do it. He's 
                         mean and boring..and.. and..and mean.
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         We're giving you a chance here. Him 
                         or death?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         No, I .....

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Death or him?

               
                                     URGO
                         Oh dear.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Well?

               
                                     URGO
                         I'm thinking. He's so.. so... uh...
 
                         
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Mean?

               
                                     URGO
                         Yeah.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Boring?

               
                                     URGO
                         Mmmm.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         So change him.

               
                                     URGO
                         Me change him? Ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, 
                         I'll do it.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Urgo thinks it's a great idea and I'm 
                         sure you'll enjoy his presence as much 
                         as we have.
 
               
                                     URGO
                         See, I knew it. I knew you liked me. 
                         I was right.
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Maybe..... a little.

               
                                     URGO
                         How about a hug?

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Don't push it.

               
               Lab

               
               Togar is standing under a laser receiving the implants from SG-1. 
               Sg- 1 come out from the lasers and look round.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Urgo?

               
                                     TOGAR
                         Urgo is here.

               
                                     URGO
                         I'm here! I'm here!

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Well, Togar... Thanks for your hospitality. 
                         We appreciate it.
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         I will return you to your planet now.
 
                         
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Wait, Togar. How do we know Urgo's really 
                         alive?
 
               
                                     URGO
                         I'm here! I'm here! Tell `em. Tell `em!
 
                         
               
                                     TOGAR
                         I will, as soon as you are quiet.

               
                                     O'NEILL/DANIEL
                         He's alive.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         Urgo says.... Goodbye, and I say... 
                         thank you.
 
               
                                     DANIEL
                         Bye Urgo.

               
               Urgo waves.

               
                                     CARTER
                         I was thinking, now we've got to know 
                         each other and helped each other out 
                         maybe we could share some information 
                         about our respective...
 
               
               Togar blinks and Sam and Teal'c disappear. Jack and Daniel follow.
 
               
               
                                     URGO
                         Ohh, I'm gonna miss `em! Hey, I know. 
                         Why don't we.....
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         No!

               
                                     URGO
                         Why not?

               
                                     TOGAR
                         No!

               
                                     URGO
                         It'll be fun and exciting.

               
                                     TOGAR
                         No!

               
                                     URGO
                         Are you sure we're thinking the same 
                         thing?
 
               
                                     TOGAR
                         Positive.

               
                                     URGO
                         But you don't know what you're missing!
 
                         
               
               Gateroom.

               
               Hammond and Alberts are looking at the MALP. SG-1 come through 
               the Gate.
 
               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Stand down.

               
                                     TANNOY
                         Quarantine stand by.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Glad you're back safe, SG-1. Was the 
                         mission successful?
 
               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Uh...

               
                                     CARTER
                         General, didn't we just...?

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         You've been gone over ten hours, Major.
 
                         
               
                                     CARTER
                         Oh boy.

               
                                     HAMMOND
                         Report to the infirmary.

               
                                     O'NEILL
                         Yes, sir.

               
               THE END

               

Urgo



Writers :   Tor Alexander Valenza
Genres :   Sci-Fi  Action  Adventure


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