AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL
David H. Steinberg
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT
December 21, 2001
1 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 1
As we wind down the crowded hallway in this typical American
1A ANOTHER CORRIDOR 1A
...we hear all the sounds of a STANDARD PORNO FLICK, from the
unenthusiastic screams of fake ecstasy to the cheesy music.
1B INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM - DAY 1B
The sounds echo in the empty hall. Behind the stage a light
from an open door...
This is unwatchable. It's not even in
focus. And geez, look, the boom mike is
in the shot. This is really shoddy work.
1C INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM - DAY 1C
The door leads into this room, as we continue on to a
TV MONITOR displaying a sweaty guy's ugly face.
Why do they always show the guy's face?
It's like, can't we just assume he's
We slowly PULL BACK from the TV.
Because they're trying to make us feel
like we're better looking than that guy,
so we should be able to get chicks as hot
How the hell do you know?
It's a basic rule of porno.
Finally, we REVEAL our three heroes: MATT, FRED, and DEACON.
They're watching the porno...
2 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM - DAY 2
... before school with the sound turned way down, but you can
still hear the porno. The three guys are sitting with their
book bags on their laps to conceal any possible bonerage.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 2.
It all started on my seventeenth birthday
with our usual morning routine: film
The school bell RINGS and Deacon clicks off the TV.
Deacon! What are you doing? I was
Come on, let's go. We're going to be
DEACON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And when I say film appreciation, I mean
film duplication. Fred steals them, Matt
copies them, and I sell them.
Matt walks over to the TV and presses eject on five VCR's.
The original plus four copies pop out.
CLOSE ON the original tape: "Ramalot Productions presents
Dirty Darla #7," as Matt hands it to Fred and the copies to
Deacon. They smile.
3 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY 3
The guys are waiting in line for lunch.
Fred's the kind of kid who's basically
given up on high school. He figures his
glory days are way ahead of him.
First, I go to Yale, then Harvard law,
then when I'm making a hundred grand a
year, I'll have a whole stable of hot
chicks sitting around topless on my
He smiles ears to ear, looking for approval.
Will that work?
You are a complete moron.
Deacon and Matt walk off. Fred calls after them.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 3.
4 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 4
The video monitors up and down the hallways display an image
that reads "Fifteen Days Till Midterms."
Fred sees two AMAZING GIRLS walking towards him.
Until that big payday, Fred's sex life
consists of spanking it.
That test was sooo hard.
That's too much for Fred to take. He adjusts his pants, turns
ninety degrees, and makes a beeline for:
5 INT. BOYS' BATHROOM - DAY 5
Fred looks under the stalls to make sure no one's in there,
then enters a stall and locks the door.
He puts his book bag down, then places a protector on the
toilet seat and sits down. He pulls a large wad of toilet
paper off the roll. Then, from out of the book bag, Fred
pulls a bottle of Moisty-Mate hand lotion. He smiles.
6 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 6
Fred is walking to class when he spots a HOT GIRL, rubbing a
stain off of her shirt. Another HOT GIRL grabs her arm.
We're going to be late. Are you coming?
Fred perks up.
7 INT. BOYS' BATHROOM - DAY 7
Fred walks into the stall and grabs the toilet protector.
Fred averages two to five time a day,
depending on how many girls he sees in
8 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 8
Matt is videotaping the students (including J.T. and Mark)
running down the hallway to class. Fred watches.
Now Matt-- Matt's what you'd call a late
bloomer. Secretary of the Audio Visual
Club, amateur filmmaker, and complete
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 4.
J.T. and Mark grab Matt's camera and film each other flipping
him off. Matt grabs it back and the Twins walk away laughing.
Fred shakes his head.
What are you doing?
All great directors start this way. I'm
documenting the essence of high school.
Teenagers running to meet their destiny
only to find it's just home room. It's
So's my balls. See you later.
9 OMITTED 9
10 INT. OUTSIDE THE LOCKER ROOMS - DAY 10
Matt trudges into the locker room area, holding a towel to
his bloody nose.
In the normal course of things, Matt
probably wouldn't even have been our
friend, but Fred likes having someone to
boss around, and I think Matt's actually
pretty cool once you get to know him.
Just then, the burly GIRLS' SWIM TEAM COACH comes out of the
girls' locker room. She walks by Matt without noticing, and
the door to the locker room closes slowly.
Matt's attention is drawn to it. The door stops with a CREAK,
a sliver of daylight still visible.
Matt shakes his head and starts to walk away towards the
boys' locker room. Then, he stops. He's torn. He's still too
immature to really be interested, but he thinks he should be.
He looks around quickly, then slowly approaches the door. He
turns his head sideways, and places it up against the crack.
10A MATT'S POV 10A
The proverbial jackpot. Teenage girls changing. Bras.
10B REVERSE ANGLE 10B
Matt's eyes widen. And then, they CLOSE TIGHT. He quickly
DEACON (CONT'D; V.O.)
Well, at least he's got the key to the
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 5.
11 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 11
Deacon talks quietly to a DORKY FRESHMAN.
Dirty Darla #7 is a modern classic. This
is grade-A porn, my friend. Worth a lot
more than twenty dollars.
He hands him the money and Deacon makes the exchange for the
tape. The freshman clutches it like gold and scurries away.
Deacon heads out down the hallway towards his locker. He sees
a gaggle of teenage GIRLS gossiping.
People always talk about how tough it is
being a teenage girl. I mean, if I have
to watch one more TV movie about bulimia
or self mutilation or vaginal dryness...
Deacon reaches his locker and opens it. He sees some
CHEERLEADERS bouncing down the hallway. Deacon takes out some
books for class.
DEACON (CONT'D; V.O.) (CONT'D)
I'll tell you what's really hard. Being a
seventeen year old boy. Imagine what it's
like to have only one thing on your mind
all day, every day, but to have
absolutely no way of getting it.
12 INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY 12
CLOSE ON a textbook showing the anatomy of the vagina.
PULL BACK to reveal Deacon, seemingly staring into space, but
really staring at...
Testosterone is a drug more powerful than
heroin. I don't really have any evidence
to support that, but the point is, a
horny teenage boy will do almost anything
for even a glimpse of sex.
... his BIOLOGY TEACHER's erect NIPPLES visible through her
conservative bra and blouse. Aside from her flashing
headlights, she's the kind of woman you wouldn't notice even
if you were alone with her on a two-man luge. But that
doesn't matter-- Deacon can't take his eyes off of them.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 6.
(in the background)
... the increase in the hormone
testosterone causes certain physiological
changes in the adolescent male...
We're suffering. Suffering from a deep,
debilitating addiction to something we've
never even had. Teenage boys are like
time bombs, ready to explode.
Two GUYS are whispering.
Did you hear about Rachael?
No, what happened?
John Baldwin nailed her.
Deacon bolts upright and spins around, concerned.
Are you talking about Rachael Unger?
Yeah. It was at Richard Rosenblatt's
party. In the bathroom.
13 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK) 13
RACHAEL UNGER, Deacon's girlfriend at the time, is naked
under Deacon's sheets after school one day. Deacon ENTERS
from the bathroom and is immediately surprised by her state
Rachael! What are you doing?
She sits up and strikes a sexy pose.
We've been together for a year now, and I
thought it was time to take our
relationship to the next level.
Deacon is becoming very nervous.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 7.
You've been talking about this for
I didn't think you were listening to me.
Suddenly, Rachael becomes a little self-conscious.
Don't you want to?
Of course I do. But, I, um... I don't
She pulls out a condom.
But he's still hesitating.
Deacon, what's the problem?
Deacon looks at her waiting there for him, his for the
taking. An eternity passes. Then,
I have a math test tomorrow.
14 INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY (END FLASHBACK) 14
The Teacher CLEARS HER THROAT and Deacon snaps out of it. He
turns away from the guys behind him as they continue to
describe the John Baldwin incident.
"I have a math test tomorrow." The bottom
line is, I just couldn't do it. I don't
know why, I just couldn't. And I've
cursed myself every day since then.
Deacon is suddenly...
15 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 15
... very depressed as he trudges to his locker. Which is
nothing compared to how he feels when he looks
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 8.
DOWN THE HALLWAY
and sees Rachael at her locker, hugging some people good-bye
(including a good-looking guy who must be JOHN BALDWIN).
Rachael looks down the hallway towards Deacon, but Deacon
Now he's even more embittered.
16 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 16
Fred and Matt are walking towards their bikes after school.
Did you videotape it?
Yeah. I took my camera to gym class with
You are the biggest moron I have ever
Just then, Deacon comes up to them.
Hey, guys. Here's the money.
He hands out the proceeds from the operation, and Matt
notices that Deacon is a little out of sorts.
Deacon lets out a deep breath.
Yeah. I heard Rachael Unger did it with
Well, you had your chance. I told you to
seal that deal.
Shut up, Fabio. I don't see you sealing
I'm biding my time.
Whatever. It just wasn't good timing.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 9.
It doesn't get any better than that. You
and Rachael were perfect for each other.
And naked girls don't just appear out of
"I have a math test tomorrow."
Will you shut up already?
Look, I've been thinking about this all
day. We're juniors now. Upperclassmen.
They reach the bike rack and start unlocking their bikes.
So we have a responsibility to ourselves
to start having fun and getting girls.
This year is our year.
(takes the chain off his bike)
There's nothing holding us back any more.
Over in the parking lot, JAKE, a studly senior, revs the
engine on his truck. Two hot girls, KELLY and WENDY, sit on
his bumper, chatting.
You see? That's exactly what I'm talking
about. That could be us.
That's not going to be us this year, or
next year, or any year, ever.
Why not? All we have to do is follow the
simple lessons of Tony Montana in "Scar
Ooh. Good movie.
DEACON AND MATT
(with Cuban accents)
"First you get the money, then you get
the power, then you get the women."
So, we're going to become Cuban drug
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 10.
Listen, the porno pirating operation is
bringing in plenty of money. When I get
my new car tonight for my birthday, we'll
have the power to go wherever we want.
Then, there's nothing stopping us from
getting the girls.
Fred and Matt look at Deacon warily. Is this a plan? Then,
the hot girls and Jake drive past the guys.
They laugh, then peel out with the radio blasting.
Nothing's going to change, Deacon. You're
still going to be the kid who shit his
pants in fifth grade and no one will ever
let you forget it.
I had a stomach virus, asshole.
Just then, a super hot CHEERLEADER drops her car keys and
bends over to pick them up.
Oh, that's just not fair.
Fred adjusts himself.
17 OMITTED 17
18 INT. VIDEO CASA DEL RUSS A.K.A. RUSS'S VIDEO MAGIC - DAY 18
Fred arrives dressed for work (name tag, shirt, etc.) and
waves to RUSS, the scraggly owner of this small video rental
Fred passes J.T., Mark, Wendy, and Kelly and a bunch of other
CUSTOMERS on his way to the back section of the store.
Fred makes sure Russ isn't looking and ducks into the porno
section. Hurriedly, he pulls out "Half-Cyborg 5: Final
Showdown" from his book bag. But inside the case is the tape
for "Dirty Darla #7." He makes the switch. Fred sighs a
breath of relief, smiles, and walks out of the adult
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 11.
I've been watching you.
Russ grabs Fred by the shoulders and throws him up against
the shelf, shaking him with every word.
Those movies aren't for little monkey-
The Customers stop to stare at the scene. Fred breaks free,
and Russ chases after him.
Come back here, you bastard!
Russ runs after him and DIVES at Fred's legs, knocking him
and entire shelf of tapes over. The tape FLY EVERYWHERE. Fred
is still SCREAMING.
Russ starts shouting at Fred so that everyone can hear. A
crowd gathers around to watch the spectacle.
What else you got in here?
Russ rips open Fred's bag and pulls out items, looking for
more tapes. Fred tries to stop him, but the old man has an
iron grip and keeps him away.
Fred cringes as Russ exposes porno magazines, kleenex
tissues, baby wipes, the bottle of Moisty-Mate Firming
Lotion, Q-tips, women's sexy underwear, surgical gloves...
Wendy and Kelly are completely grossed out.
What's this for?
...and a Barbie-type DOLL with a pullstring. Russ pulls it.
I'm Candy. Let's play dress-up.
The crowd is now seriously disturbed.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 12.
Fred sits there, whimpering on the ground.
19 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY 19
Deacon drives the DMV Tester Car under the watchful eye of
the DMV TESTER.
And I signal exactly two hundred feet
before the turn. Rule 108-1.
The unimpressed Tester remains expressionless.
Great. Now after the right, I want you to
parallel park in the open space.
I begin the parallel parking maneuver by
pulling within three feet of the forward
vehicle. I now shift into reverse while
turning the wheel two revolutions
The Tester rubs his brow.
20 INT. DMV - DAY 20
Deacon's picture is taken. He passed.
21 OMITTED 21
22 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAY 22
It's dark, but suddenly the lights come on.
Deacon pretends to be surprised.
Wow. This is great.
The room is sparsely populated with a few of Deacon's
RELATIVES, his MOM and DAD, younger brother MAX (14), and
ROGER, a wheelchair-bound nerd with a face full of
orthodontic headgear and braces.
Were you surprised?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 13.
Really. I was.
Happy birthday, Deacon. It's Lois Lane
#2. Be careful. It's still in the
He hands Deacon a comic book, still in the plastic bag.
23 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LATER 23
Half-eaten cake and ice cream, unwrapped presents. Matt
videotapes the event.
Are you ready for the big present?
(laying it on thick)
You mean there's more?
Deacon can hardly contain his excitement.
It's in the garage. Come with us.
He follows them, looking back knowingly at Fred and Matt.
24 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - GARAGE - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 24
The door opens, the lights come on, and Deacon's face drops.
No new car. Instead, several large wrapped boxes. Deacon
halfheartedly rips open the paper.
It's a new computer system. You've been
talking about it for months.
But his Mom can see his expression.
What? That's not what you wanted?
No, it is. It's just--
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 14.
I'll take it.
We can exchange it if it's not the right
No, I just thought-- I thought you guys
were buying me that car I wanted.
A car? Why do you need a car?
You can ask permission to use our car
whenever you want, champ.
They put their arms around Deacon and smile warmly. Deacon
looks over at his parents' Aerostar Minivan. Everyone moves
back into the house, except Deacon's parents, who linger.
MR. LEWIS (CONT'D)
I told you he didn't want a new computer.
Like you know what anyone in this house
25 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 25
The guys set up the computer. Deacon is really depressed.
Now what are we going to do?
At least you got this great party.
Actually, we were expecting a lot more
Fred elbows him.
You invited more people?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 15.
Well, we did send out flyers to like
three hundred people from school.
And no one showed up?
Deacon looks back at Roger.
Uh, guys. No one showed up because
they're all at Tom Cooperman's house.
He's having a keg party.
What? Why didn't I hear about this? That
shit's not right.
I heard it from Rahim. He beamed me the
411 in study hall.
A beat. Deacon's anger turns to action.
Yeah. Tom Cooperman kicked me in the
balls in third grade, and I swear there
is still a footprint on my nutsack.
Come on, guys. Can I just get one thing
that I ask for on my goddamn birthday?
He's got a point.
Fine. Watch your balls.
25A OMITTED 25A
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 16.
25B INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT 25B
CLOSE ON a set of feet, stomping on a Sony D.D.R. mat.
REVEAL TOM COOPERMAN dancing up a storm, in a heated
competition against several challengers. The CROWD goes wild
at Coop's moves.
The DOORBELL RINGS.
Continuing his dance steps, Coop moves to the door.
26 EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT 26
Deacon, Fred, and Matt stand on the porch, waiting. The door
opens, and we see Coop dancing all the way to the front door.
Hey, Coop. Can we come in?
Coop un-pockets a tiny piece of paper with a thousand names
on it. He examines it for a long time.
Sorry, son, that dog won't hunt. Y'all
ain't on the list.
He goes to close the door. Deacon stops it with his foot.
Coop. It's my birthday today, so cut me
some slack, all right?
Coop looks him over, then opens the door.
Well, pickle my turnips, why didn't you
say so? Happy birthday, friend.
The guys look at each other, excited. They look back at
Roger, five feet behind them at the bottom of the steps.
27 INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT 27
People drinking, dancing, couples making out. Girls
everywhere. And over near the keg is...
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 17.
(in a trance)
Oh, my God. There's Naomi.
She looks good.
And there's NAOMI, every teenage boy's fantasy, wearing a hot
party dress and drinking a cup of beer. Someone lightly bumps
CLOSE ON her lips as the beer dribbles down her chin, and the
world goes still .
She playfully wipes the beer off her moistened lips and chin
with the back of her hand. She turns her head and her hair
floats in the air.
DEACON AND FRED
are zombies, completely mesmerized by her.
She spilled her beer.
Fred adjusts his pants. Deacon makes a decision. One that
he'd normally never make.
I'm gonna go talk to her. What have I got
She's Rachael's friend. It's not like I
don't know her.
Ask her if she has any unusual hats.
Girls like that.
Deacon gives Matt a dirty look.
THE KEG AREA
Happy Birthday, Deacon.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 18.
Well, I got this flyer and--
Oh, right. So where's Jake?
Like I care.
So you two aren't going out any more?
Deacon's mind is racing with possibilities when:
It's Jake, back for another beer.
Hey, did you hear about Rachael Unger?
Before Deacon can answer...
He shoots, he misses, right, ass-
sphincter? Come on, Naomi. We're going in
Screw off. I'm talking to Deacon.
Jake gives Deacon a dirty look, nods a "let's go" to J.T. and
Mark, and heads out back.
What an asshole.
As soon as Jake is out of sight, Deacon turns back to Naomi,
but she's already gone, stranding Deacon. What just happened
REVEAL Matt helping Roger drink a beer in the background.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 19.
28 EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - LATER 28
Deacon wanders out back. It's very dark and there are several
people in the pool, including Jake's good-looking friends,
Kelly, Wendy, J.T., and MARK. It's hard to tell in the dark
water, but it looks like they might not be wearing any
clothes. Deacon sees this and starts to walk away.
Deacon. I heard it was your birthday.
Come on in the pool, man.
No, that's okay.
No, seriously. It's cool.
Come on, Deacon.
Yeah. Come on.
Deacon thinks about it. He takes the metaphorical plunge.
He slips off his shoes and takes off his shirt. He walks over
to the shallow end. Deacon steps in with his shorts still on.
Dude, what are you doing? Take off your
We're skinny dipping, Deacon.
He hesitates, not sure what to do.
Oh. Okay. Sorry, I'll just leave you guys
--No, come on in. Join us.
Wendy swims into J.T.'s arms. Her shoulders rise above the
water and you can just make out the top of her breast.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 20.
looks at her, thinks it over, and finally... slips off his
shorts. He gets into the pool in his underwear, then slips
them off, too, and throws them on the side of pool.
Wow. This feels amazing.
Someone splashes Kelly, she giggles, and the other kids swim
around. Kelly swims by Deacon seductively and he smiles.
Coop's doing funnels. Come on.
It's Jake, by the side of the pool with Deacon's clothes. The
other people swim to the front, and get out of the pool...
...wearing clothes! Even Wendy, in a strapless bra.
(rubbing it in)
Hey, give me back my clothes!
Freakin? I can't see you. Maybe I need to
turn on the LIGHTS.
And he does. The backyard lights go on illuminating the
scene. Deacon panics. People start looking at him, laughing.
Then, the cheesy colored pool lights come on, flashing
Deacon is humiliated. Jake bends down to whisper to Deacon.
Did you really think Naomi was into you?
Deacon doesn't respond. But it's not enough for Jake. He
picks up Deacon's underwear with a stick and examines them.
Oh my God! Skid marks. Aaaahhh, Deacon
shit his pants again!
No, I didn't! Give them back!
Jake does a victory lap around the pool with Deacon's
underwear on the stick. Everybody is laughing.
Sphincter boy shit his pants!
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 21.
28A INT. COOP'S HOUSE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 28A
Jake locks the sliding glass door and waves at Deacon in the
pool. The group laughs and walks away.
29 EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - LATER 29
Deacon is still in the pool, shivering and shrivelled.
Finally, the lights turn off in the back yard, and Deacon
ventures out of the pool.
He grabs an inflatable elephant pool toy and slips it around
his privates. He slowly sneaks around the house.
29A EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - SIDE OF THE HOUSE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 29A
A dog BARKS! He snarls at Deacon standing there wearing only
the pool toy. Deacon runs away into the
29B EXT. COOP'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 29B
The Dog is right behind him. Deacon struggles with him.
Hey, watch the nads!
But it's no use. The dog BITES the front of the pool toy and
it starts to deflate...
... just as the HEADLIGHTS of a car pull into the driveway.
Deacon FREEZES. He desperately tries to cover himself with
the rapidly diminishing toy being jerked away by the dog in a
motion that makes it look like Deacon's getting a doggie
hummer. A MAN gets out of the car.
What the hell kind of sick shit is this?
30 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 30
The next day, the guys are at the bike rack, when a hot
SPORTS CAR drives by. Deacon is visibly bummed.
You know how long it's going to take to
save up for a car selling porno tapes
twenty bucks a pop?
Fred looks down.
There's a small problem.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 22.
I got fired yesterday. Russ caught me and
went berserk. Some sort of sting
operation he's been planning for months.
I don't know.
You're kidding me, right? Tell me you're
No. And now I have to work twice a week
at my dad's office. I told you this
Scarface plan was stupid.
Great. So now we've got no girls, no car,
and no money.
And no porn.
Tony Montana would be very disappointed.
Deacon is once again...
31 INT. BIOLOGY CLASS - DAY 31
... very depressed, as he sits, bored out of his mind in his
Now turn your textbooks to chapter six,
the Animal Kingdom. As you should know by
now, biology is the study of life, in all
its infinite varieties.
Deacon continues to stare at her perpetually hard nipples.
BIOLOGY TEACHER (CONT'D)
So to keep things a little fun around
here, tomorrow we're taking a field trip
to the zoo.
Deacon buries his head in his hands.
32 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 32
Deacon is talking to the Dorky Freshman near the bike rack.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 23.
Is this some kind of extortion racket?
I'll pay you double if you can get me
I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do for
a while. We don't have anything new.
I'm dying. I just need something.
Just then, Naomi walks by on her way to the parking lot.
Hey, Naomi. What are you up to?
Going home to cram for midterms.
With a look, Deacon shoos away the freshman dork.
Oh. I could help you. I mean, if you
needed any help.
That's okay. I'll be all right.
Deacon searches for something meaningful to say, desperate
not to let the moment pass him by. Naomi cuts him some slack
So where did Rachael go off to?
She went to Paris with the French Club.
(then, taking a chance)
We're seeing other people.
She laughs at his attempt at being nonchalant. But she's
laughing with him, not at him, and Deacon can tell the
difference. He relaxes...
... just as Jake drives up to them. Deacon is starting to
really get pissed at Jake ruining the moment with Naomi.
Look, can you please stop calling me
that? I think we're old enough to just
let it go. All right?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 24.
Oh, sure. Sorry about that... Shit-pants.
He looks at Naomi.
She turns her back to Jake and his smile fades. He revs the
engine and peels out BACKWARDS. Deacon jumps out of the way,
but his bike is CRUSHED by the car.
He shifts gears and drives over the bike again. He laughs as
he drives away. Naomi gives Deacon a pitying look and walks
away. The moment is gone. Now Deacon is...
33 INT. AEROSTAR - DAY 33
... pissed. His crushed bike is in the back seat.
Look, mom. I need a car.
But I thought we agreed--
I need a car of my own.
Well, honey. A car is a lot of
Jesus, Mom. I'm seventeen now. I think I
can handle it.
Well, it's also a lot of money. I'll tell
you what. Maybe you can get an after
school job to earn money for a car. I'll
talk to your father.
Deacon is stewing.
34 OMITTED 34
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 25.
35 INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - DAY 35
CLOSE ON a web browser as the following URL is typed in:
The Cyber Granny parental block pops up. Denied.
Cyber Granny. Denied.
Your dad really knows his firewalls.
Deacon bursts into the room.
Hey, asshole. Don't just come barging in
here. We could have been naked.
Matt gives Fred a look.
Shut up. I figured out how to get back on
the Tony Montana track.... So, I'm at the
36 EXT. ZOO - DAY 36
A crowd of people (including Deacon's biology class) are
watching something in the monkey cage.
People! People! Come quickly. Witness the
miracle of nature at its most primal.
She's videotaping it, and Deacon looks up AT HER VIDEO
VIEWFINDER. It's a monkey orgy. Masturbation and fornication
And these monkeys are doing it. I mean,
they're going wild. And Miss Ariel is
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 26.
(getting hot and bothered)
With one final thrust of his engorged
penis, the male deposits his seed and
Probably to a younger, more desirable
female. One who doesn't have any
"issues." Whatever that means.
That's when it hit me.
Just then, a glob of "something" shoots out towards the crowd
(SFX). Everyone ducks, except for Roger, who's can't move
quickly enough in his wheelchair. It hits him in the face,
dripping down his orthodontia.
A little help!
Well, Roger actually...
37 INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - DAY 37
Let's make one.
Great! That's perfect! I've already got
an idea for a kind of sci-fi horror
thing. It's like "The Shining" meets "The
No, you moron. A porno film.
Fred lights up.
And check this out. The best part of all,
is I've got an angle.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 27.
What kind of angle?
We can make pornos that cater to guys
You mean virgins.
Yes. Adult films made by virgins for
With good cinematography.
And cute, nice girls. The kind you'd want
to take to dinner with your parents.
Right. No shots of sweaty guys' faces.
And nothing up the butt.
They look at him.
What? I don't like it when they put stuff
up their butt.
These have to be nicely edited. We should
shoot on super 16 and transfer to video.
No, Matt. We'll shoot it on your video
camera. We're not getting any expensive
How are we going to get the women to star
in the film?
And the guys.
I don't know. We'll surf the net. We'll
figure it out.
They look at each other for a beat. Finally, Fred and Matt
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 28.
That was really funny.
Deacon just looks at them, pissed.
I'm serious about this.
We can't make a porno movie.
Do you have any idea how much trouble
we'd get in?
Do you have any idea how much money we'd
Like how much?
Enough for a car. Enough for more camera
shit. To take girls out. I don't know.
For whatever we want.
Beat. Beat. Beat. They're thinking about it.
What about the moral implications?
It's a free market transaction between
consenting adults. What's the problem?
We're not adults.
He's got a point, Deacon.
Guys, tell me the truth. Haven't you ever
wondered... haven't you ever imagined
what it would be like to make one?
Deacon turns to Fred, who looks guilty.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 29.
Okay. Sure. I've thought about it. I've
thought about shaving Principal Taggert's
A look, then Deacon gets up to seal the deal.
Look. This is an opportunity we shouldn't
let slip away. If we make this movie, it
could be the best year of our lives.
We'll go in boys and come out men. And at
the end, we'll have the money, the power,
and the women. But you losers would
rather play it safe. Well, I'm not going
to waste another minute. I'm making this
porno movie with or without you. And when
I show up at school in my new set of
wheels, and you two limp dicks are
begging me for my sloppy seconds, I'll
just have to tell you, "Sorry, guys. That
ship has sailed. You blew it."
That was a really good speech, Deacon.
Did you work that out before?
Okay... So say we were to do this. What
would we call our company?
I've got it. "After School Special."
They look at him. It's perfect.
38 INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY 38
WE FOLLOW a WOMAN dressed in a Fredericks of Hollywood type
outfit, walking down the hallway past office suites; a
mortgage company, a dentist, etc...
She enters an office. As the door closes behind her, WE SEE
the sign on the door, "Ramalot Productions."
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 30.
39 INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - CONTINUOUS 39
A small, vertically integrated porno production company.
Blow-ups of the company's box covers on the walls, hundreds
of copies of titles on shelves, a small STAFF and two
VIC RAMALOT, whose face we recognize from Dirty Darla #7,
enters from the set. His partner, MIKE, helps him on with his
That was good. Some good action.
I've got a question for you Mike, and I
want you to promise to be completely
Sure. Of course, Vic.
Vic looks at him, vulnerable.
Do you think I'm too fat?
Are you kidding? The camera loves you.
Vic gives Mike a jive hand shake and the two do a little hug.
Over Mike's shoulder, Vic sees the woman who's come into the
Darla, sweetheart. Ready for number
Darla drops her top and heads for the bathroom.
Sure, Vic, lemme freshen up first.
Is he in there?
Mike nods, leading Vic through a door, into
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 31.
40 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 40
where there's a terribly FRIGHTENED MAN (cameo for Ron
Jeremy, etc.) tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth.
Vic shakes his head, picking up a pair of rusty hedge
clippers from the table. He snaps them open.
So, you think you can just walk into my
town and move in on my territory?
The Man takes a quick look down at his own crotch, fearing
the worst. He shakes his head, pleading through his gag.
41 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY 41
The guys are huddled behind the frosted window of Fred's
dad's office, standing away from the RECEPTIONIST.
We've got to have two forms of i.d. to
prove she's over eighteen.
How much money do we need?
A first time porno actress makes only two
fifty to five hundred bucks.
That's it? Does that include the sex?
So how do we get women for this movie?
We place an ad in the Cleveland X-Press
for "body models." That's like some sort
of code word in the industry.
Are we supposed to have sex with these
A NURSE walks in.
Fred, your father wants you to take these
urine samples down to the lab.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 32.
Okay. In a minute.
Fred puts the samples down. She rolls her eyes then leaves.
We also need an adult signature to set up
the bank account and the web site.
Let's use Principal Taggert's name.
Oh yeah, good idea. That'll never come
back to haunt us.
Then whose name should we use?
Just then, MR. GREITZER comes into the office.
I'm Ronald Greitzer here for my 4:00
Okay, Mr. Greitzer. I'll let the doctor
know you're here for your...
(checks the book)
rectal exam. Have a seat.
He leaves and Fred looks at Deacon, mischievously.
Why not? It's perfect. My dad's got Mr.
Greitzer's signature on file, his credit
card number, and his social security
And he'll never find out?
It's not like we're going to send him our
annual report. It'll just be like an
official name of record or something.
The Nurse returns.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 33.
And take these fecal and semen samples,
She hands Fred two more containers, and the guys exit.
41A EXT. STREET - DAY 41A
The guys ride their bikes towards the lab to deliver the
And we need porno names.
What do you mean?
It's a basic rule of porno. All people
affiliated with the production of an
adult film have porno names so their
friends don't recognize them.
Oh, you mean like "Johnny Hardmember"?
Exactly. That's a good one. I'll be Balls
Ooh, I like it.
Guys. Those kind of names are just for
You're just jealous that you don't have a
cool porno name like us.
Okay, fine. Then I'm Sam ...
Slam. Sam Slam. The Back Door Man.
Matt and Fred look at each other, then Deacon.
That name sucks.
You don't get it, do you? A porno name
needs to be a very subtle thing.
Fred gestures and DROPS the samples which SPLATTER all over
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 34.
Sorry, Balls. I guess I'm still new at
Matt, pick that up.
42 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT 42
The family dinner.
And I'm telling the guy, he's got to use
form ND-45 for a third-party beneficiary,
but Johnson's gotta be the big man.
"We've been using ND-90 for twenty-two
years." But Johnson's an idiot. He
doesn't know ND-90 doesn't even exist
Mom yawns. The phone rings and she gets it.
Deacon, it's for you. It's a young lady
Deacon CHOKES on his food. He gets up quickly and grabs the
phone. Max is eyeballing him, so Deacon walks with the phone
into the other room and talks softly.
Yeah. 345 Remson. That's right. Great.
Wednesday, three to five. Looking forward
to working with you, too.
He hangs up and returns to the kitchen to see the whole
family staring at him, curious.
I'm tutoring someone ... in math. To earn
money for a car.
He forces a smile.
43 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY 43
The guys are busy setting up auditions.
No, we don't pay bus fare.
JUMP CUT TO:
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 35.
Sure, you can bring your dog.
Oh. No, that's okay. Better leave him
JUMP CUT TO:
Thanks. You sound sexy, too.
JUMP CUT TO:
The guys are getting excited.
I can't believe this is working.
44 INT. BASEMENT SET - OTHER ROOM - DAY 44
And there's Matt, wearing a shirt and tie, nervously sitting
in the rec room with a room full of CRACK WHORES.
They're a motley crew of fat, old, toothless, spandex-wearing
streetwalkers (including one TRANSVESTITE).
An uncomfortable silence pervades the room. Matt turns to one
woman wearing a rainbow-colored halter top.
When you have sex with a strange man, do
you imagine it's like your boyfriend or
She just looks at him.
(over a walkie talkie)
We're ready. Over.
Matt picks up his walkie talkie.
He looks at his clipboard and turns to the first woman.
You can go in now.
She gets up and walks through the curtain.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 36.
45 INT. DEACON'S BASEMENT - DAY 45
The basement is set up with a casting couch. Fred and Deacon
are also dressed in jackets and ties. The Crack Whore makes
her way over to them. They stare at her, slackjawed.
Take a seat please.
Hi, I'm Balls McLongcock and this is Sam
Tequila. You boys seem kind of young.
Don't worry. We're old enough.
Tequila. Nice name. So, have you done any
I been in some home movies. Stuff like
that. Some pictures.
She tosses a stack of Polaroids at them. The top one has her
standing next to a horse. Fred is speechless.
Okay, then. I think we have what we need.
We'll call you.
So you don't want me to suck you two off?
They look at each other.
No, I don't think that will be necessary
at this time.
46 INT. DEACON'S BASEMENT - LATER 46
The whores are gone.
Maybe if we put another ad in and say
we're only looking for good looking
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 37.
They look at him with disdain.
There's got to be another way to recruit
47 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 47
Three digital images of the guys are lined up on Deacon's
computer monitor (thanks Mom and Dad!). Deacon is digitally
altering the photo of Fred to give him a goatee. Matt's photo
has already gotten mutton chops and Deacon's looking sweet
with a fu-manchu.
I say we make them from Hawaii.
It's perfect. Do you know what a Hawaii
driver's license looks like?
But isn't it going to seem a little
suspicious? Like why are we in Cleveland?
Vacation. People from Cleveland vacation
in Hawaii, where do you think people from
Matt and Fred look at each other. They shrug, then,
48 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT 48
The next night. The three guys walk downstairs dressed in
Hawaiian shirts. Deacon's parents are reading and Max is
Hey, mom. Can I borrow the car?
I have to go to the video store later.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 38.
But, mom. You said I could use the car,
but it's never free.
All right, Deacon. I'll walk to the
Where are you guys going?
Why are you boys dressed like Don Ho?
This is the new style, Mr. Lewis.
Yeah, for ass-wranglers.
49 INT. AEROSTAR - NIGHT 49
Inside the car (still in the garage), the three guys apply
their fake facial hair to match their three new fake i.d.'s.
Are we really going to do this?
He starts the ignition, and an EASY LISTENING tune blasts on
the radio, ruining the moment. The guys look at each other
for a beat, then Deacon quickly changes the station to a
ROCKING SONG, and get back into the mood for adventure.
They pull out and drive off.
49A EXT. CLEVELAND - NIGHT 49A
The minivan descends out of the suburbs into the lights of
the big city below.
50 EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT 50
CLOSE ON the Aerostar's bumper sticker: "My child is on the
honor roll at William Wall High School."
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 39.
The guys step out of the car and see for the first time the
Holy Grail of boyhood fantasies: the neon outline of a
topless woman at the entrance to this upscale strip club.
They stop and stare for a beat, before finally getting up the
nerve to walk up to a menacing BOUNCER sitting on a stool
outside the entrance, reading "The Princess Diaries."
They confidently pull out the i.d.'s and hand them over.
Richard Runningbear from Hawaii? What
brings you guys to Cleveland?
We're on business, he's on vacation.
He hands the i.d.'s back.
That's Hawaiian for "welcome."
Right. Of course. We just moved to Hawaii
a few months ago. Haven't picked up the
local lingo yet.
They force smiles and wait for the answer...
Okay. Have a good time, guys.
Deacon grabs the i.d.'s and pushes the other two forward. He
grabs the handle to the door.
Oh, and guys.
Nice lamination job.
The Bouncer closes the door on them. Busted.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 40.
Look. We have to get into this strip bar.
The next two years of high school depend
How old are you guys?
Fred smacks him.
We've got money.
Deacon pulls out a wad of cash. The Bouncer looks around,
then thinks about it for a second.
51 INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT 51
WE TRACK the guys as they slowly move down the dark corridor
towards the light. Each guy is in his own little world, Matt
and Fred following Deacon as he takes the first nervous
First the neon lights hit them, then the smell of liquor and
sweat, the sounds of barroom chatter, and finally the
grinding blast of MUSIC, so powerful it seems to stop them in
their tracks. Their eyes bug out.
SCANTILY-CLAD WAITRESS walking by. As they move further into
the club, they see actual STRIPPERS soliciting lap dances and
some TOPLESS DANCERS onstage. Fred smiles ear to ear.
The guys are locked in a deep primordial trance, broken only
by the voice of a COCKTAIL WAITRESS.
What'll you boys have? Two drink minimum.
Huh? Oh. I'll have a scotch. Straight up.
On the rocks.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 41.
She looks at him like he's an idiot.
I'll have a seven and seven.
What's a seven and seven?
I don't know. But I heard that guy over
there order one and I like the way it
The Waitress comes back with their drinks. He pays her and
then they raise their glasses.
To After School Special.
MATT AND FRED
To After School Special.
They drink. And CHOKE.
It tastes like poison.
A beautiful STRIPPER in an American flag bikini approaches.
AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
Are you boys interested in a dance?
They look at each other.
She takes Fred's hand and walks him over to a private dance
couch. As the next SONG starts, a curtain lowers around Fred
and the Stripper. Fred is a little freaked out.
She strips off her top revealing her big American breasts.
She rubs up and down Fred's body, shaking her hair in his
face. Matt and Deacon watch intently.
BACK TO SCENE
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 42.
The song ends, the curtain comes up, and Fred is smiling ear
to ear. The Stripper gets dressed and Fred pays her.
AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
You want another dance?
Uh, not right now, thank you. I have to
go to the bathroom.
He tries to get up, but the Stripper stop him.
AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
Well how about you buy me a drink?
She sits down on Fred's lap. Right on his boner.
AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
(to the waitress)
Seven and seven.
You want mine?
AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
So what brings you boys to the Pretty
We're from Hawaii.
Actually, we're filmmakers. We're here
looking for new talent.
AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
Yeah, we're looking for some beautiful
ladies looking to break into film. You
AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER
They look defeated.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 43.
AMERICAN FLAG STRIPPER (CONT'D)
But I know someone who is.
A beat, then time stands still once more for our heroes as
ASHLEY makes her entrance. She looks barely legal, dressed in
a Catholic school girl outfit, and walks up to them.
Hi, I'm Ashley. You guys are filmmakers?
Video actually. They won't let me shoot
Deacon pulls out his wad of cash.
Look. We're paying top dollar, hetero
only, no anal, and we're distributing
through our web site.
Aren't you kind of young?
Aren't you? You know we're going to need
two forms of i.d. to prove you're over
I'm eighteen. Don't worry.
Then you're hired.
Shouldn't we audition her first?
Don't worry. You guys relax and have a
few drinks. By the time the night's over,
you'll know I'm your girl.
STRIP CLUB MONTAGE:
51A INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT 51A
- Ashley slinks through the fog onstage and works the pole
like good girl should: gentle but firm.
- Various other Strippers (a Swedish stripper named PLANTAIN,
the American Flag Stripper, a BLACK STRIPPER, and an EXOTIC
STRIPPER) give the three guys lap dances, dance on the
carousel, and generally suck up to them.
- The guys are pounding drinks like there's no tomorrow.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 44.
- Fred is nuzzling between Plantain's assets.
- Deacon licks the Exotic Stripper's salty neck and downs a
- The three guys are all on the bar now, doing a
choreographed dance routine, and stripping to their
51B EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT 51B
- CLOSE ON a trashcan, the guys are throwing up. PULL BACK TO
- Boot and rally. The guys wipe their faces and join a gaggle
of Strippers heading into an Amusement Park.
51C EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - VARIOUS BOOTHS - NIGHT 51C
- Carney games. Matt wins a stuffed animal for Plantain.
- Cotton candy, Roller Coaster rides, etc.
51D EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - FUDGE FACTORY - NIGHT 51D
- The group is crammed into a booth at the Fudge Factory,
eating ice cream sundaes. Matt shoots the straw wrapper at
one stripper. She whips some ice cream at him. Food fight!
51E EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAWN 51E
- Ashley is dropping the guys off back at Deacon's house in
the Aerostar. She writes down her information on a picture of
herself. There's a car full of Strippers waiting for her.
- Just then, Jake pulls into the driveway next door. He sees
the Strippers and the guys.
52 INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - DAY 52
A LADY dressed in sexy clothes and eating chicken wings from
a huge bucket is waiting around on the set, but Vic is over
talking to Mike.
Someone's been recruiting new talent.
Jimmy Rimmer says they're from Hawaii.
Why the hell would someone from Hawaii
come to Cleveland?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 45.
Vacation? There's the Rock and Roll Hall
Vic thinks it over.
Vic regains his train of thought.
What is this? "F" with Vic month? If any
more amateurs start moving in on my
territory, I'm going to get really mad.
Vic opens the drawer and pulls out a GUN. He cocks it
Who you gonna shoot?
Vic's bluff has been called. Reluctantly,
I don't know.
Calm down, Vic. I don't need you all
agitated. You still got five films to
star in today.
You're right, Mikey.
Mike takes the gun from Vic and puts it away.
Don't worry. I'll find these guys and
take care of it.
Vic cheers up a bit.
Yeah, I could eat.
Grab some lunch?
The two head out for lunch, leaving the bondage lady sitting
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 46.
53 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - DAY 53
Deacon wakes up sick as a dog. All the shades are drawn, but
Fred and Matt are already hard at work on the computer. They
seem completely fine, with no signs of Deacon's hangover.
What are you guys doing?
We came up with a great idea. We're going
to presell the videos by posting the
scripts on the website.
Will that work?
I don't know. But it's kind of fun. We
just wrote this whole thing about the
girls' locker room.
One thing, though. If our motto is "by
virgins, for virgins," I was thinking we
should put a picture of one of us on the
web site to sort of sell the image.
You're not putting my picture up there.
It doesn't really have to be one of us,
though, does it?
He grabs the yearbook.
ROGER'S FACE, as Balls McLongcock, proudly displayed on the
web site, hawking the first feature film (coming soon) of
After School Special with the motto, "By Virgins, For
A quick knock on the door and Deacon's Mom comes in.
Deacon, look who's here. Your friend,
Jake enters, all smiles.
Fred quickly shuts off the monitor.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 47.
You kids have fun.
And she leaves.
What the hell's going on, Sphincter?
What are you doing here?
I saw the strippers. And some crack whore
named Saffron came over my house the
other day looking for you guys.
We don't know what you're talking about.
Jake takes some pages off the printer.
What's this? "Oh, my God. There's a boy
at the door looking at us naked in the
He flips a page.
"The A/V Club Secretary lathers all of
their glistening bodies. 'I'm so dirty,'
she moans." What the hell kind of crap is
this? Are you guys running a whorehouse
Are you crazy?
They're not whores if we film them, you
Deacon can't believe Matt just blew it. Fred smacks him.
You retards are making a porno movie?
You can't prove anything.
Who's the girl?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 48.
A stripper. Her name's Ashley.
He pulls out Ashley's picture from his manila folder. Jake
checks it out. His eyes go wide and suddenly he's their new
Who's the guy?
Well, maybe I could do it.
No, that's not a good idea.
It's a lot harder than it looks.
You don't think I can do it? Trust me,
I've nailed enough girls.
Look, you little butt munch. I want to do
this, and if you don't let me, I'll go
and tell your mommy what kind of sick
shit you're doing.
Jake looks him over.
54 INT. BASEMENT SET AS "YEARBOOK OFFICE" - DAY 54
Click. The lights come on. The big day has come at last. The
guys are nervously conferring on one side of the room, far
away from Ashley, who's standing alone, dressed in a
conservative high school girl's outfit.
The basement has been transformed into the guys' idea of a
movie set, complete with lights, camera, tripod, and sound
equipment. A desk and decoration make the room look roughly
like the high school yearbook offices.
Deacon gives Matt a little shove, and Matt takes a long walk
over to Ashley.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 49.
So, um, I'll be directing.
Okay. So I want you to play this very
understated. It's a very visceral scene,
so it's important not to play it too over
Hey, did you guys shave or something?
Deacon looks at the other two, all three now beardless.
Okay. I think we're ready here.
Fred awkwardly picks up the boom and puts his earphones on.
Boom in position.
Deacon pushes him over to position.
Ashley, get into position.
Matt gets behind the camera. They whisper conspiratorially.
One last reality check before they take the leap.
Are we actually going to do this?
They look over at Ashley. She's waiting.
I guess so.
They return to position.
So, um, we're starting with the
masturbation and then Phillip, the
yearbook editor, is going to surprise
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 50.
And ... action.
These yearbook photos of the Debate Club
are making me so hot. I can't help
THROUGH MATT'S VIDEO DISPLAY, Ashley slowly strips off her
clothes. But before we get too good a look, we
FRED smiles ear to ear.
MATT peers out from behind the camera.
I hope no one catches me because I forgot
to lock the door. Oh, yeah. Oh, God,
FRED's smile turns into nervous ogling.
DEACON crosses his legs and adjusts his shorts.
MATT wipes a bead of sweat from his brow.
Oh yeah. Right.
And Matt zooms in. Ashley continues moaning and as Matt gets
closer, the camera starts shaking. He can't keep his hands
54A THROUGH MATT'S VIDEO DISPLAY 54A
We'd love to get a look, but the camera is shaking so much,
it's just a BLUR.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 51.
54B REVERSE ANGLE 54B
Oh! Oh! Oh!
She turns off her performance like a light switch.
What? Did I so something wrong?
Matt is quivering.
Uh, no. You were great. I think I've got
what I need there. I want to set up for
I need a bathroom break.
Not now, Fred. Jake.
Jake comes out of the bathroom dressed as the yearbook
Jake opens a makeshift door to the office.
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
I couldn't help myself. Please don't tell
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
Cut. Perfect. Okay, then. Let's get to
the, uh, sexual material.
Jake pulls off his pants and starts to look a little nervous.
He stands in the corner, trying to psyche himself up.
Jake, you okay?
Sure. No problem.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 52.
But Jake is still standing there, not in the shot. He's
starting to sweat.
Come on, Jake. We're filming.
All right. Hang on a second.
He has his back to them, but it's obvious his bread hasn't
risen. Fred lets the boom mike sag a bit.
My arm's getting tired.
Jake finally whips off his underwear and faces Ashley.
Hey, it's not hard yet.
I can see that.
Fred snickers and Jake gives him the evil eye.
Um, okay. Ashley, maybe you can help him
She grabs his joint and Jake freezes. He remains motionless,
focusing every ounce of mental control on keeping the
floodgates closed. Approximately one point three seconds
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 53.
Wait! I'm not set up for that shot!
Can I put down the boom?
Jake? What's happened?
Jake, humiliated, runs to put on his shorts.
This has never happened before. She got
me too excited.
Me? How did you ... without even getting
(copping an attitude)
What do you want to hear? I've got a tiny
pee-pee? I'm a premature e-jac-u-la-tor?
Sometimes before I get a boner? Okay?
Calm down, Jake. We can shoot this scene
again. Just relax. We can splice it
We'd have to do it like twenty times to
get enough footage.
I'm out of here. And if you dickwads tell
anybody about this, first I'll kill you,
and then I'll bust you guys.
He pops the videotape out of the camera, takes it, and
The guys regroup, away from Ashley. The moment of truth: How
far are they willing to go?
Deacon. You do it.
Come on. This is your big chance.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 54.
No. You do it.
I have to run the camera.
Oh, like you're the only one who can do
Fine. I'll do it. I'll do it for the sake
of the film. Hold this.
He hands the camera to Deacon and starts taking off his
shirt. The rest of them look at Matt with his shirt off.
Matt. Stop it.
No, I'll do it.
He desperately wants someone to hold him back.
They huddle again, worried about whether to go on with this.
Look, guys. Maybe we should just pay
Ashley and chalk this up to a failed
Fine with me.
No. We can get someone else.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 55.
55 INT. JIM'S TINY MART - NIGHT 55
CLOSE ON the cover of "T&A Enthusiast" magazine. RISE UP to
reveal a twenty-something MAN thumbing through the issue.
Deacon, standing a little too close to him.
You ever think about getting into film?
Way uncomfortable, the guy puts the magazine down and makes a
beeline for the door.
Where are you going, man?
The guy is out the door. Deacon...
56 EXT. JIM'S TINY MART - NIGHT 56
... runs after him.
Don't you want to get it on with a sexy
Matt and Fred are sitting on the curb with some slurpies,
And that guy had real screen presence,
Just then, Coop pulls up in his van and gets out.
The guys look at each other...
JUMP CUT TO:
Moments later, after it's all been explained to Coop.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 56.
You guys are gonna be legends of the
56A OMITTED 56A
57 INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 57
Fred and Matt are huddled around the computer.
Oh, I've got it. What if the Math Team
Captain is in detention for something...
For fixing grades for a girl...
Yeah, and the cheerleader is in there and
she's going to get grounded if she fails
one more test...
As they talk, Fred types away.
58 EXT. INDIA - DAY 58
STOCK FOOTAGE: Taj Mahal, etc.
59 INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - BHOPAL, INDIA - NIGHT 59
A NERDY INDIAN BOY is totally engrossed in the After School
Special Website. His eyeglasses reflect the glow of the
scrolling text of Fred and Matt's current script.
Well, maybe I can pay you some other
INDIAN MOTHER (O.S.)
Mujibur, dinner is ready!
In a minute!
ONSCREEN, the mouse pointer clicks "PRE-ORDER."
59A EXT. FRANCE - DAY 59A
STOCK FOOTAGE: Eiffel Tower, etc.
59B INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - PARIS, FRANCE - NIGHT 59B
A NERDY FRENCH BOY reads the story on his computer.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 57.
MATH TEAM CAPTAIN (V.O.)
Now that really computes!
59C OMITTED 59C
59D OMITTED 59D
60 EXT. JAPAN - DAY 60
STOCK FOOTAGE: Recognizable Japanese landmarks, etc.
61 INT. TEEN BOY'S BEDROOM - KYOTO, JAPAN - NIGHT 61
A NERDY JAPANESE BOY reads the story from his PDA.
MATH TEAM CAPTAIN (V.O.)
Are you ready for your oral exam?
Oh, God, yes! I never knew math could be
62 OMITTED 62
63 OMITTED 63
64 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 64
Deacon and his biology class are getting on a school bus.
Nearby, Naomi is crossing the parking lot when she trips and
spills her latté on her shirt. People start laughing, but
Deacon instinctively rushes over to pick up her books.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Thanks. I'm so embarrassed.
She pats at the stain.
Really? I didn't think you got
embarrassed about anything.
She smiles at Deacon, cheered up by the inadvertent
compliment. The Bus HONKS for Deacon.
Well, I guess I should go.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 58.
He turns to walk away, when Naomi makes a decision to give
Deacon a shot.
Deacon, wait. Block me for a second while
I change my shirt.
Facing the other way.
He turns around and she changes her shirt behind him. Deacon
can't help but sneak a peek.
I haven't seen you around here in a
Yeah, I'm working on this project at
Cool. You can turn around now.
He turns and sees her new shirt is not yet 100% on.
Listen. Mark and J.T. are having a party
tonight. You want to meet me there?
The bus HONKS for Deacon again.
65 EXT. AQUARIUM PARK - DAY 65
Matt and Fred charge forward on their 10-speeds through a
park. They slide to a stop, falling off their bikes, but
they're too excited to care.
65A INT. AQUARIUM - DAY 65A
They rush up to Deacon, whose biology class is near the
Beluga Whale tank.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 59.
Deacon, come quick.
Deacon steps away from his class for a moment.
Matt, what's wrong?
BIOLOGY TEACHER (O.S.)
Like all mammals, the whale gives birth
to live young. Can anyone name another
characteristic of mammals? Vinnie?
Our site got linked by another bigger
site. Someone must have seen our stories
and liked them.
We got a few more pre-orders and a ton of
Deacon high-fives the other two. They're all stoked.
We need to hurry up and make this movie.
We should go over the schedule for
tomorrow. And make sure the script is
Deacon's smile fades.
Uh, I can't tonight guys.
Why? Where are you going?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 60.
It's this thing I have to go to.
Is it a travelling carnival?
No. Look, it's this party Naomi invited
Can we come?
Fred picks up on Deacon's hesitation. This isn't good.
Uh... Okay. I guess that's cool.
An awkward beat.
I want you guys to come. It's just, I
don't know. I kind of had this vibe from
(still doesn't get it)
We can just meet you there.
Yeah. Okay. That's cool. Look, it's at
Mark and J.T. Slistak's house. I'll see
you guys there. I've got to get back to
Deacon walks back to the group.
What are you wearing to the party?
We're not really going to the party, you
Because I said so.
Matt starts getting agitated.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 61.
But we told Deacon-- I mean, we can't
just not show up. What if Deacon is
looking for us--
This is too complicated to explain to Matt, so Fred just
All right. All right. Stop crying
already. We'll make an appearance.
66 INT. MARK'S HOUSE - NIGHT 66
Amid this raging party, Deacon has taken his rightful place
with the in-crowd, standing dangerously close to Naomi
without his usual sidekicks weighing him down. Finally.
You know, Rachael's coming back from
Paris in a couple of weeks.
So, aren't you even a little interested
in seeing her?
No. There's someone else I'd rather
He looks into her eyes, waiting to see if the limb he's out
on is going to break. She smiles. It's working. Just then,
It's his sidekicks and they've got some seriously bad timing.
Deacon shoots them an annoyed look.
So what's this project you guys are
We can't really talk about it.
Yeah. It's private.
Jake eyes Deacon intently.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 62.
Why are you hanging around with this
What's your problem, Jake?
She storms away. Deacon follows her.
67 EXT. MARK'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT 67
Naomi is out on the patio.
What was that all about?
He really pisses me off. Jake is such an
Tell me about it.
When we were going out, he was so mean to
me all the time. I think he's
compensating for his little dick that
never even gets hard.
Deacon chokes on his drink.
Well at least you were smart enough to
dump him. I mean, you deserve someone who
will treat you ... I don't know. Really
You know what you are?
Deacon gets a little nervous.
You're a nice guy.
She kisses him on the cheek. Deacon looks at her, then steels
himself to make a decision. He kisses her!
She's surprised, but not unwilling.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 63.
I've been wanting to do that for a long
So why didn't you?
Most guys would look away at this point, with a fabulous babe
with pouty lips staring you down. But Deacon passes the test:
he stands his ground and kisses her again. She likes it.
AT A WINDOW, Jake sees them kissing. He doesn't like it.
AT ANOTHER WINDOW, Fred sees it, too. And for a completely
different reason, he doesn't like it either.
68 INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 68
The set is finally ready: Ashley is lying on the bed in a
robe, the lights and camera are set, and Matt and Fred are
adjusting the video camera. The only thing missing is an
actor. Deacon ENTERS.
Hey, where's Coop?
He was supposed to be here a half hour
Maybe he got sucked into a black hole.
He chuckles to himself.
Good one, Spock. I can't understand why
you're not more popular with the ladies.
Look, we're wasting time. Deacon, why
don't you just go in there?
Deacon balks at first, then looks over at Ashley, lying
Okay. Okay. All right already.
He pulls off his shirt and approaches Ashley with a pizza box
from out of nowhere.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 64.
Matt starts filming while Ashley pulls Deacon near her.
Maybe I can pay for the pizza some other
We hear Deacon's ZIPPER opening offscreen as Deacon rolls his
eyes and reluctantly delivers his line:
And maybe I could throw in the sausage
Deacon shows no enthusiasm for what's happening down below.
Fred, you get in there, too.
Are you sure?
Yeah, it'll be a great shot.
Fred takes off his shorts and walks over to the other side of
the bed. Ashley is offscreen, presumably lying on the bed.
The two guys are facing each other.
How's it going?
Hey, did you see that show on Sci Fi
about sun spots?
Yeah. They said there's going to be a
massive eruption next year.
Fred starts laughing.
You said "massive eruption."
Deacon starts laughing, too.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 65.
Hey, quit the chatter.
Hey, why don't you guys kiss?
You know. Make out with each other.
Fred goes in to kiss Deacon, who's thoroughly confused.
Deacon holds him back with his hand.
Wait. Why do you want us to kiss?
Because that's what guys do in gay porn.
Deacon looks over at the camera. It's Ashley filming. PANIC!
He slowly looks down at the person he and Fred are having sex
with. He can barely look. It's Matt!
More sausage please.
69 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 69
Deacon bolts up out of bed. Nightmare. Thank God.
70 INT. BASEMENT SET AS "MOVIE THEATER" - DAY 70
Deacon enters and the scene looks very much like the dream:
Ashley on the bed and Matt and Fred waiting around.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 66.
The set is made up to look like a movie theater, complete
with rows of seats, a bed sheet "screen," and a massive 5,000
watt light. Deacon is still a little agitated.
Where the hell is Coop? There's no way
I'm making out with Fred.
Then Coop comes out of the bathroom and sees everyone staring
What's going on?
Deacon is talking about making out with
No way. I'm holding the mike and that's
I thought we were doing straight porn.
If you guys want to do gay porn, you
still have to pay me.
Hang on. Relax. It was just this stupid
dream I had.
You dreamed about making out with Fred?
No. Well, yes. And we were both having
sex with you. But it was just a dream so
let's forget it.
Everyone is a little uneasy at this admission. Deacon quickly
changes the subject.
What's with the light?
It's a "special effect." If you want this
film to look amateurish, you're going to
have to get someone else to do it.
Come on. Let's do it already.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 67.
Matt starts his cheesy "projector light effect" and Coop
takes a seat next to Ashley.
This summer tent-pole event-movie is
making me so scared.
Hide your head down here and I'll tell
you when it's safe to come up.
As she starts to go down, we turn our attention...
ON FRED and DEACON, away from the action.
Not yet. This is the really scary part.
Hey. Can I ask you a question?
Fred shrugs. The memory of the nightmare is wreaking havoc
with Deacon's conscience.
Do you ever think maybe we've gotten
ourselves in a little over our heads with
all of this?
Oh, baby. Not yet.
Fred appears to be pondering the question deeply. His face
slowly contorts to a look of seeming anguish. Then,
The coiled cord to the massive light is burning a circular
hole in the smouldering carpet.
Unplug the light!
Deacon moves to unplug it.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 68.
Wait, it's hot!
Too late. Deacon touches the cord, SCREAMS, and reels back,
knocking the light over.
It EXPLODES onto the floor. The carpet bursts into FLAMES.
Ashley and Coop run up the stairs. Fred isn't far behind.
Quick, get the fire extinguisher!
Where is it?
He spots it in the corner and grabs it. Meanwhile the flames
Deacon comes over and aims the extinguisher at the flames. He
depresses the lever. Nothing.
It's not working!
Matt thinks about it for a second.
Oh. Me and Fred used it when we wrote the
foamy cat fight script last week.
71 INT. FRED'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 71
Matt and Fred are giggling and prancing around the room in
bikinis discharging the fire extinguishers at each other.
72 INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 72
Deacon looks at him strangely for a beat, then runs into the
72A INT. BASEMENT - LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 72A
He looks around frantically. Nothing. Then, he starts the
WASHING MACHINE. It slowly starts to fill up.
Deacon turns the dial to "large load," pauses and chuckles to
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 69.
Deacon snaps out of it and grabs the laundry detergent
bottle. He scoops up some water and RUNS into the other room.
72B INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 72B
He throws the soapy water onto the fire and Matt. The fire
goes out, but Matt's not too happy about getting soaked.
73 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY (CONTINUOUS) 73
Coop is looking down the stairs to the basement. Fred is
freaking out. Ashley is still topless but covering herself
up, having just put on her panties. She goes to put on her
MRS. LEWIS (O.S.)
What's going on here?
are standing in the doorway to the kitchen with Max, whose
arm is in a splint. Max stares at Ashley. She covers herself
Then, Deacon and Matt enter the kitchen from downstairs.
Mom! Dad! What are you doing home?
Max sprained his wrist at soccer
practice. What is going on here?
Well, I'm sure there's a reasonable
explanation why there's a naked girl in
our kitchen. Right, Deacon?
Deacon isn't too sure.
Deacon's mind is racing. Then,
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 70.
I'm Deacon's girlfriend. Ashley.
MRS. LEWIS MR. LEWIS *
His girlfriend? His girlfriend? *
Yes, my girlfriend.
And what were you doing with your clothes
off in my kitchen?
We were having a make out party.
Where are the other girls?
Their dates stood them up?
Yeah. My date wasn't feeling well.
Mine has mono. From too much making out.
What's that smell?
We had a small fire, Mrs. Lewis. I tipped
over a candle. It was to set the right
A fire? Let me see the damage.
Dad, don't. Let me take responsibility.
We'll pay to have it fixed.
Deacon's Dad looks at Ashley again. He can't hide his pride.
Damn right you will.
Well, Ashley. I didn't know Deacon even
had a girlfriend.
Maybe you can join us for dinner tonight.
Ashley looks at Deacon. Deacon's Mom glares at Dad.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 71.
I think Ashley's busy tonight--
74 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT 74
Ashley is eating dinner with the Lewises. Max keeps staring
at her. Mr. Lewis steals a few glances of Ashley himself
while continuing his work-related rant.
So get this. Johnson comes up to me today
and he's all like "where's the ND-90's?"
I'm like, "Johnson, they discontinued the
ND-90 like six weeks ago." I've been
telling this guy...
Johnson sounds like a moron.
Mr. Lewis is psyched that someone is finally paying attention
to him. Mrs. Lewis doesn't like the way he's looking at her.
So, Ashley. If I could ask you a personal
question, exactly how old are you?
Nineteen. But I tell people eighteen.
Deacon laughs nervously.
Isn't that funny?
The doorbell rings.
I'll get it.
Deacon open the door. It's Naomi.
What are you doing here?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 72.
I thought I'd come by and surprise you.
Maybe we could hang out in your bedroom.
She looks at him seductively. Deacon looks over his shoulder.
Now's not a good time.
Nothing. Let's talk later.
He tries to close the door, but she stops it.
MRS. LEWIS (O.S.)
Deacon, who is it?
Too late. Naomi comes in.
Hi, Mrs. Lewis. I'm Naomi. I'm Deacon's
And with that she looks at Deacon, figuring she just made his
day. It fails, however, to achieve the desired effect.
She looks at Deacon. Max pokes his head through.
Deacon has two girlfriends?
Shut up, Max!
What do you mean? What's going on?
Deacon's other girlfriend is having
dinner with us.
I can explain.
Naomi walks into the kitchen with Max.
This is Deacon's other girlfriend,
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 73.
His other girlfriend?
Dad's beaming with pride. The two girls size each other up.
Oh, my God. How old are you, you slut?
I thought you were a nice guy.
Naomi storms out of the house. Deacon follows, then Ashley.
You need to have a talk with him. He
could be having S-E-X.
I need to give him a goddamn medal.
(she storms off)
Deacon watches Naomi go. Ashley consoles him.
Let her go.
Are you insane? I've been fantasizing
about Naomi Feldman since the seventh
Fantasy and reality are two different
things, Deacon. Don't fall in love with
who you think she is. You have to be sure
you love the real person.
So what should I do?
Go after her then. Or don't. Whatever.
He looks at Ashley for a beat, then goes after Naomi.
75 EXT. STREET - NIGHT 75
Naomi and Deacon are arguing under a street light.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 74.
She's a porno actress in your porno film.
She had to pretend to be your girlfriend
because she ran upstairs naked when the
light caused a fire. And you've never had
sex with her or even kissed her.
Yeah, pretty much.
He looks down.
So, I guess this means you're not my
She looks at him with newfound interest.
I want to come to the set tomorrow.
No, I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? I'm curious. I've never seen a
porno movie actually being made.
Matt and Fred will get really mad. We're
not supposed to tell anyone.
Tell them I'm a ... creative consultant.
For the female point of view.
No offense, but the female point of view
doesn't really matter in these films.
She looks at him, pouting.
76 CLOSE ON a computer monitor displaying the A.S.S. Website. 76
The cursor is clicking through the various pages: text
stories, pictures of the set, still photos of Ashley and
Coop, etc. But more importantly, the "hits" counter looks
like the odometer on a rocket ship.
PULL BACK to reveal...
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 75.
76A INT. VIC'S "STUDIO" - DAY 76A
Mike is surfing the web while eating a large bratwurst
sandwich. Vic enters in his signature robe.
This After School Special shit is
amazing. They're getting a ton of hits
off their stupid stories and they don't
even have any product.
Are you sure those are the guys from the
It's the same guys. Bingo. I just found
out where they live.
Give me that address. I'm gonna teach
these assholes a little lesson about the
adult film business.
He takes the piece of paper and storms out the door.
He pops back in.
You going like that?
Vic looks down at his robe.
Oh, yeah. Thanks Mike.
Vic puts his slippers on. They do the jive hand shake and hug
77 INT. VIC'S CAR, PARKED - DAY 77
Vic checks the address of the house against the print out.
Goddamn amateurs. Think they can screw
with Vic Ramalot.
Let's do this.
78 EXT. STREET - DAY 78
They get out of the car and Mike places the gun in his pants.
They walk up to the front door and bang. It opens, revealing
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 76.
Yes. That's me.
Vic's a little confused. He looks at the piece of paper.
Ronald J. Greitzer?
Yes. That's right.
Then, a spark of understanding.
Oh, I get it. Brilliant. You're not even
a fuckin' kid.
Mike pulls the gun out and puts it to Greitzer's head.
Greitzer drops his glass of soda, raises his hands, and
starts shaking, terrified.
What are you doing?
What am I doing? I'm retiring you from
the porno business. Permanently.
Yes. Yes. Please don't hurt me.
No more sweet young pussy, no more hot
school-girl fantasies, no more goddamn
pornos "for virgins by virgins." You got
Greitzer's eyes dart over to the side, and for the first
time, Vic steps into the house and sees: LITTLE GIRLS.
It's Greitzer's little daughter's birthday party. Six-year-
old GIRLS and their stunned PARENTS all stare at Vic.
Greitzer's wife comes over, screaming and crying.
Please don't hurt my husband!
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 77.
I'm sorry! I'll never rent them again! It
was only that one time my wife was at her
sister's! Please! I promise you!
You rented a dirty movie? You told me it
was Jakob the Liar!
Mike lowers the gun and they start backing out of there.
What? I shouldn't be entitled to a little
joy in life?
Now look at the trouble you've brought to
And I'm supposed to know the Religious
Right would come after me for renting an
As they continue to fight, Vic and Mike run back to the car.
79 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY 79
Dress rehearsals. Naomi is sitting at the kitchen table
talking to Ashley, who's wearing a sexy cheerleader outfit.
Deacon is at the microwave making popcorn.
Five hundred dollars a night?
Yeah, but if you can break into films,
like these ones, you can get featured
dancing gigs and make ten times that
Seriously. If these guys ever get their
Matt stumbles in carrying a pile of scripts. Fred walks in
behind him and sees Naomi.
What is she doing here?
Naomi is my girlfriend.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 78.
Fred exchanges a glance with Matt.
And I wanted her to help out. Give the
script a female point of view.
Fred pulls Deacon aside.
Jesus, Deacon. Didn't you see that
Beatles documentary on the History
Channel? You're pulling a Yoko Ono on us.
Fine. Whatever. Let's get started. I'm
sure she'll be really helpful.
Coop comes out of the bathroom dressed as the Math Team
Captain, complete with nerd glasses, pocket protector, etc.
Oh, hey, Naomi.
Hey, Coop. Are you helping these guys,
Okay, people. Places everybody. Let's try
to do this with a little heart, okay? And
Everyone turns to their scripts and starts the rehearsal.
This quadratic equation is so hard.
Well, maybe we should just stick to long
Coop drops his corduroys and Naomi gasps. She stares at
Coop's "slide rule" for a beat, then snaps out of it.
Wait a second. Cut. This is all wrong.
She wouldn't be fantasizing about some
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 79.
He's not a geek. He's the Math Team
No, he should be really well-dressed, and
maybe he's a foreign exchange student
Um, and the director is the only one
who's allowed to say "cut."
Who cares, Naomi?
Deacon agrees with me, don't you?
Matt and Fred look at Deacon.
Dudes, come on. My nuts are getting cold.
I'm out of here.
Shut up, Coop. This is important.
(swings his arms out)
And my nuts aren't?
Coop's hand accidentally smacks Ashley in the nose as she's
getting up. She SCREAMS.
Are you okay?
I'm sorry, Ashley.
She's pissed, holding her nose.
Look. This is ridiculous. Who does dress
rehearsals for a porno shoot?
Oh, sure. Why don't we throw out the
script while we're at it and "improvise."
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 80.
Guys, I appreciate the money. It's nice
to get paid for sitting around doing
nothing, but this isn't helping my
career. I've got no footage for my reel.
She packs up.
Where are you going?
Ashley, wait. I'm sorry. Ashley!
Then, he blurts out something unexpected:
(calling after her)
I love you!
Coop exchanges an awkward glance with the guys: he's said too
much. He goes after Ashley, with his pants still around his
ankles and his bare ass in full display.
He stumbles on his pants and falls on his face. He gets up
quickly and continues after her, still with his pants down.
Now what are we going to do? Your
"girlfriend" ruined everything.
Coop's the one that smacked her.
Besides, if you losers knew anything
about women, we wouldn't have this
Who asked you?
I don't have to take this.
She storms off, leaving Deacon there to make a decision. He
looks at Matt and Fred for a beat, then follows Naomi. Fred
and Matt are crushed.
80 EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - DAY 80
Ashley is walking through the parking lot on the way to work.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 81.
MRS. LEWIS (O.S.)
It's Deacon's Mom, in the adjacent lot. She walks over to
What are you doing here?
I, um, I'm... I'm going where you're
To yoga class?
I haven't seen you in class before.
It's my first time.
Well, that's great, Ashley. You're really
going to love it.
She escorts her towards the yoga class building.
MRS. LEWIS (CONT'D)
It's really easy, but if you can't keep
up, just follow my lead.
81 INT. YOGA CLASS - DAY 81
The entire class of slackjawed MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN yoga
students stare in disbelief. Even the instructor is amazed.
is essentially folded in half, her legs pinned well beyond
her ears. She's obviously been in this position before.
82 INT. YOGA CLASS - LATER 82
The women are gathering their things after class, some still
eyeing Ashley jealously.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 82.
You're quite flexible, Ashley.
Yeah, people tell me that all the time.
You know, I could teach you some of those
moves. Mr. Lewis would love it.
Oh. Okay. Maybe later. Listen, Ashley. I
want to ask you something... personal.
About you and Deacon.
You know Deacon is only seventeen.
Right. So I was just wondering. You know.
If you and Deacon... Well, if Deacon and
Good. Good. That's very good.
She gives Ashley a warm little hug.
Listen, Mrs. Lewis. You don't have to
worry about Deacon. He's a good kid. If
you just let him make his own mistakes in
life, he's going to turn out fine.
83 INT. NAOMI'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 83
Deacon and Naomi are under the covers, making out.
So, do you have anything?
You know. Protection.
Oh. Oh yeah. Of course.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 83.
She sees he's nervous.
Don't you want to?
Of course I do.
Then what's the problem?
Deacon looks at her waiting there for him, his for the
taking. A long beat. Then,
It's my first time.
That's okay. Just go slow.
And he does. He's nervous at first, not sure what to do. But
as she kisses him softly, suddenly we start to hear the slow
fade in of PORNO MUSIC playing in Deacon's head. (Now that
Deacon's actually having sex, it's involunarily triggering
the only thing he knows about sex: porno movies.) The music
grows louder when:
(in Deacon's head)
Every two minutes, they change positions.
He pauses, and cocks his head in confusion. He tries to shake
Fred's voice out of his head, but he can't.
FRED (V.O.) (CONT'D)
It's a basic rule of porno.
Finally, he gives in to the porno music. He rolls Naomi on
top of him.
JUMP CUT TO:
They're doing it standing up against the door.
FRED (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The door. Always a classic.
JUMP CUT TO:
Deacon sweeps away all the stuff from her desk and lifts her
up on it. Naomi likes it.
Fantasy and reality are two different
JUMP CUT TO:
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 84.
Naomi's HAND presses up against the window. It slowly falls
to the ground.
It's a basic rule of porno.
JUMP CUT TO:
Back on the bed, Naomi is in a state of complete bliss,
having had her first ever orgasm.
Fantasy and reality are two different
But Deacon doesn't share Naomi's contentment. He looks
83A INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT 83A
The next night, Deacon is talking to Ashley backstage as
she's getting ready to go on.
I don't know. It was weird. Is it
supposed to be so weird?
Of course it was weird. True love can
only exist between two women.
Deacon is stunned.
Just kidding. I don't know, Deacon. Do
you like this girl?
He hesitates a bit too long.
Of course I do.
Your heart is telling you that you don't.
And I think it's time you start listening
to your heart.
Deacon still doesn't get it.
Look. I have to go on. Just do whatever
you want. Or don't. Whatever.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 85.
84 INT. DAVE'S DUPES - DAY 84
Vic and Mike wait at the counter for his video copies of
volume 28. DAVE (cameo for the director, DME) comes to the
counter with a box.
He turns to leave just as another GUY (cameo for the writer,
DHS) comes up to Dave with a pad of paper.
VIDEO DUPE GUY
Hey, Dave, there's a guy on the phone who
wants to set up a new account.
What's it for?
VIDEO DUPE GUY
Some outfit called After School Special.
They turn back.
What did you just say?
VIDEO DUPE GUY
Nothing. It's for another customer.
Mike grabs him by the collar and pulls him over to Vic.
Did you say "After School Special"?
Mike grabs the paper, drops the guy, and he and Vic rush out
of the store. After they're gone:
VIDEO DUPE GUY
Shit, man. You must be crazy.
(calling after them)
Better watch your back, homie! You might
85 INT. PEACHTREE & FINCH - DAY 85
Naomi is dragging Deacon into the store featuring posters of
buff male models with nut-hugging boxer briefs.
What are we doing here?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 86.
What? I thought you might want some new
I don't need any new clothes.
And guess what? I booked facials for us
at the Serenity Spa.
Naomi. Wait. Stop.
He stops her.
I have to meet up with Matt and Fred this
afternoon. I already blew them off
Deacon, you don't have to hang out with
those guys any more. Besides, you really
need a facial. And I mean, I thought we
could spend the day together. You know,
after last night.
But what about Matt and Fred?
Well what about me?
She pouts. She has him under her thumb. He takes her hand and
continues into the store.
86 INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 86
Deacon walks in really late, but wearing a hot new Peachtree
& Finch outfit. And his skin seems to glow. Matt and Fred
glare at him from the far end of the couch.
What's going on? Are we going to find
(off their look)
Matt and I have been talking.
Yeah. About what?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 87.
We want to make this movie.
I know. I do, too.
No, Deacon. We want to make the movie we
wrote. We want to make it without you.
Okay. I know what this is about, guys.
I'm sorry about Naomi.
That's not the problem, Deacon.
Then what is it?
I thought this was about us having fun
and doing something crazy together. But
as soon as you got what you wanted, you
blew us off.
You don't understand.
Fred cuts to the chase.
Do you even like her?
Deacon is about to tell them. Then,
Fine. Go ahead without me.
Matt and Fred get up and leave.
86A OMITTED 86A
86B OMITTED 86B
86C OMITTED 86C
86D OMITTED 86D
86E OMITTED 86E
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 88.
87 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT 87
The family eats dinner in silence. Deacon feels like shit.
So, Deacon. How'd you think you did on
I found a dead bird on the soccer field.
Its head was missing.
Deacon's Dad pushes away his plate and gets up.
I have to go back to the office tonight.
Johnson screwed the pooch again.
88 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - GARAGE - NIGHT 88
Deacon's Dad gets into the Aerostar. He turns on the radio,
which blasts a ROCKING SONG. He quickly changes it back to an
EASY LISTENING TUNE.
88A EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT 88A
He pulls in to the lot and parks. He steps out of the car and
starts to walk to his office. Only it's not his office.
89 EXT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 89
He passes the Bouncer, still reading Aristotle's Ethics.
90 INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT 90
Ashley is changing into her school girl outfit.
Ash, you ready? You're up now.
90A INT. THE PRETTY KITTY CLUB - NIGHT 90A
DEACON'S DAD enters the club and pays the cashier.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 89.
90B ASHLEY sprays glitter on her body backstage. 90B
90C DEACON'S DAD takes a seat right up front. 90C
... they work hard for their money, guys,
so let's tip them good. All right. Now,
on the main carousel, let's give it up
for the naughty school girl. ASHLEY!
Applause. Ashley struts out through the cloud of stage FOG,
right up to Deacon's Dad...
... who's turned around, ordering a drink. He turns back to
... Ashley's back, as she swings around the pole. She struts
by each of the men in the front row, reaching down to take
dollar bills out of their hands. She walks over to Deacon's
... but he's tipping the waitress. She does another spin
around the pole...
and lands in a split, face to face with...
... Deacon's Dad, who happens to have a crisp dollar bill
between his teeth.
They immediately recognize each other and FREEZE. A long
Hello, naughty school girl whom I've
never met before.
You, too, are someone whose kitchen I've
never been in.
Another beat, then she grabs the bill out of his teeth, and
quickly moves away.
91 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT 91
Dad walks upstairs, still a little stunned.
You get everything done at work?
Yeah. All set.
Oh, guess who I ran into? Deacon's
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 90.
Where did you see Ashley?
Over on Industrial Way.
You were on Industrial?
You know, she is so flexible. It's really
amazing some of the positions that girl
can twist herself into.
She even offered to teach me. So I could
move like that.
Yeah, that would be great! I mean, if
you're into that.
Maybe. I like her. I know she's a little
older, but I think she's good for Deacon.
Just then, Deacon walks past them down the hallway towards
his bedroom. Dad eyes him with a rare combination of fatherly
concern and male jealously.
92 INT. DEACON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 92
Deacon walks past his desk and something catches his eye. He
stops to look at a picture of himself with Fred and Matt from
fifth grade. He looks really happy in the picture.
Then, he sees a strip of photo booth pictures taken yesterday
with Naomi. She's hamming it up for the camera, but you can
tell from his expression, they don't belong together.
He tosses the Naomi picture onto the desk.
93 EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - NIGHT 93
Deacon stands by the water skipping rocks with Matt and Fred.
So, what did you want to talk to us
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 91.
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
For blowing you guys off.
That's okay, Deacon.
No, it's not. It's just sometimes I feel
like the whole world is passing us by and
we're just sitting still. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
You know, you can be a real dick
Then, Fred smiles. Deacon knows they're cool with each other.
Naomi and I did it the other night.
You're kidding, right?
No, it's true.
How was it?
Good. At first. But then I kept thinking
about all the pornos. Trying to hit the
right spots, positions. I don't know.
After a while it kind of seemed like
I find that extremely difficult to
So what now? Do we make this thing?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 92.
I don't know. Maybe we should just call
Ashley walks up to them. She looks hotter than ever, in a
tiny midriff shirt and short shorts.
What are you doing here?
I need you.
I need you to make this movie. For my
Well, actually we were--
Ooh, look. An eyelash.
For the third time, time stands still as Ashley gently pulls
the errant eyelash from Deacon's eye and offers it up to him.
Make a wish.
Deacon is too entranced to close his eyes, but he does take
the opportunity to blow the eyelash off her hand. She smiles
and brushes back a strand of hair from his brow.
The guys are hooked.
Up through the window, over on Deacon's computer, the A.S.S.
Website is running, featuring Roger's smiling face with the
motto, "By Virgins, For Virgins." The counter is on fire.
94 INT. HAIRDRESSER - DAY 94
Roger is getting his hair cut by a cute HAIRDRESSER, his
wheelchair next to him. A few other women are in the back,
whispering and looking over at Roger. An OPERA ARIA plays on
So, I'm thinking about getting into
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 93.
You have any tips on how to break in?
Uh, no. Not really. Acting classes, I
Really? I didn't think there was a lot of
acting in those films.
Roger is confused.
Well, I guess it kind of depends.
You think you could get me an audition?
Come on. How long have I been cutting
Since I was like eight.
I know who you are. Don't worry. Your
secret's safe. Come on. I just want to
make one film to see what it's like.
Roger is still totally clueless.
That's great. But how can I help you?
Oh, I get it. You help me, I have to help
you. That's how it works. Okay.
She looks around. Then, she sprays a big dollop of hair
mousse into one hand and places it under the hair apron.
ZIP. Roger panics.
What're you-- Oh, God!
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 94.
His face contorts to match the aria playing on the radio,
making it look like he's singing the soprano solo.
95 INT. BASEMENT SET AS "THE PROM" - DAY 95
Coop and Ashley have brought some help: Plantain and the
Bouncer. They're waiting around for the guys. The room is
their most elaborate set so far, a hotel ball room, complete
with themed prom banner, dance floor, stage, etc.
No, no, it's a municipal bond fund.
But what about the capital gains?
Sure there's short term capital gains,
but the dividends are tax free.
State and federal?
Deacon enters with Matt and Fred.
Hey, guys. I hope you don't mind,
Plantain and Baxter want to be in the
Hey! Mr. Runningbear!
Matt smiles meekly as we
THE PRODUCTION MONTAGE:
95A INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95A
Moments later, cheesy prom MUSIC plays and a mirrored disco
ball reflects light across the dance floor. As the couple
dances across the floor, dressed in a prom gown and tux,
Ashley looks into Coop's eyes.
Ira, I have something important to tell
What is it?
This prom is making me so hot. I'm ready
to lose my virginity to you tonight.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 95.
Coop gives the thumbs up to the Bouncer, also dressed in a
tux, then starts making out with Ashley in an exaggerated
BEHIND THE CAMERA, Matt peeks out and looks at the other two
guys with a furled brow. Deacon gives him a forced thumbs up.
95B INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95B
Coop and Ashley sit in the back seat of a Split Car. Coop
says, "Oh, Rachael. You're the best." Fred looks over at
Deacon, who just smiles sheepishly.
95C INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95C
The Bouncer and Coop play chess as the guys capture the
offscreen action. Ashley says, "You're the sexiest teacher I
ever had." The guys turn their heads sideways to figure out
the bizarre position Ashley and Plantain have gotten
95D INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95D
Plantain, dressed as a chaperone with a big punch stain on
her dress, is eating a tuna fish sandwich and smoking a
cigarette. Matt calls "Okay, people. Places. Let's get it
together." Plantain puts the cigarette out on her heel, hides
the tuna fish sandwich in her purse, and sprays the air with
Weylon J. Petunia's.
My dress is ruined!
I'm so sorry, Miss Jorgensen. What are we
going to do?
She rips off her dress in one big swoop, revealing sexy
95E INT. BASEMENT BATHROOM - DAY 95E
Fred is in the bathroom with the Moisty-Mate, but he just
can't seem to get in the mood. Through the door:
I never knew chaperoning the prom could
be so "hard."
Fred gives up and throws the lotion back in his book bag.
When he exits the bathroom, everyone is staring in his
direction, then quickly looks away nonchalantly.
95F INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95F
The Bouncer is going at it with an ugly sex face, dripping
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 96.
Fred lowers the boom and it smacks the Bouncer in the head.
Deacon applauds, trying to rally the troops, "Good scene.
96G INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 96G
Plantain speaks with no real enthusiasm, "I give you an A+."
Matt asks her to do the line again, but she says it exactly
the same way again. One more time, same result. Suddenly Coop
lets out a huge FART and everyone starts laughing. Matt
throws his hands up, frustrated.
95H INT. BASEMENT SET - DAY 95H
Coop and Ashley are in the back seat, post coitus.
That was the best prom ever.
You can say that again.
And as Ashley actually repeats her line, we see Fred mouthing
it along with her, proud of his contribution to the script.
95J EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY 95J
Matt strips off the sheets, sprays them with lighter fluid,
and sets them on fire. As the flames rise up and FILL THE
Cut. That's a wrap.
96 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY - DAY 96
Deacon is studying in the library.
He turns around and there she is: RACHAEL UNGER.
Hi, how are you?
Good. Good. How was France?
It was so fun. We just got back
yesterday. The school totally screwed up
my class schedule.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 97.
Deacon looks her over.
So, how's John Baldwin?
Rachael goes white.
Who told you about that?
Well everybody is a liar. I never did it
with John Baldwin.
Deacon is stunned.
Jesus, Deacon. I don't even know him.
It's not like it was with us.
It hits Deacon like a ton of bricks.
97 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - A/V ROOM - DAY 97
Deacon and Fred enter and see Matt sitting by the computer.
How does it look?
It looks great. It's the best porno film
I've ever made.
So what's the problem?
Are you done with it?
Well, I cut together some footage to give
to Ashley for her reel, but I don't think
I can finish this film.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 98.
I can't even watch it. Every time I turn
it on, I keep thinking about that tuna
fish sandwich and Coop farting all day
That was pretty gross.
That's just it. The movie looks great,
but seeing everything else -- all the
disgusting, nasty stuff -- that's what's
taken all the fun out of it. And I just
don't want to do it any more.
Great. I knew it. I knew you couldn't
Matt looks away.
Take it easy, Fred.
No, I knew that when it came down to it,
Matt would wuss out.
You know what? Fuck you, Fred. You're the
wuss here. At least I don't have to whack
off every time I see a girl in the
Fred shoves Matt.
Shut up, Matt.
Matt stands up and gets in Fred's face.
No, you shut up! For once in your life,
be a man and admit this movie was a
Why don't you make me?
The two square off, staring each other down. Until,
No. Matt's right. This movie was a
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 99.
What are you talking about? This whole
thing was your idea.
Come on, Fred. Didn't you think this
movie was going to be ... I don't know,
Fred looks at the other two for a beat, not sure what to say.
Finally, he smiles.
How long have you guys known about the
If you didn't like making the movie, why
didn't you say something?
I don't know. I thought you guys were
having fun. I didn't want to be the wuss.
So what about the car?
The Aerostar's not so bad.
What about the money and the power and
the women? What about Tony Montana?
Scar Face is just a stupid movie, Fred.
So what do we do with this?
He holds up the tape.
98 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK (CLOSED) - NIGHT 98
The tape is burning in the center of a huge bonfire. A
massive party is raging. Tons of teenagers are dancing,
drinking, and having a good time rocking to a LIVE BAND.
At the center of it all are Matt, Fred, and Deacon are
finally enjoying themselves.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 100.
Hey, guys. Great party.
I've got some big news. I sent the reel
to Vivid and they want to fly me and Coop
to L.A. to talk about a contract.
Wow. That's great, Ashley.
Deacon hugs her.
Deacon! Vinnie says we need more ice!
Hang on, guys. I'll be right back.
He leaves Fred and Matt alone with Ashley.
Hey, Ashley. Can I ask you a question?
Do you think me and Matt will ever get
Are you kidding? Come on, guys. You have
it made. You're smart, funny, fun to be
with. In a couple of years, girls will be
dying to meet men like you.
Well, no. Popular, good looking guys
always get the girls.
(off their look)
Hey, what was I supposed to say?
Then, Roger wheels by, arm in arm with his Hairdresser. No
more braces and headgear, Roger looks sharp with slicked back
hair and suave clothes.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 101.
Hey, guys. Great party.
He wheels off. The guys and Ashley do a double take.
99 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT - NIGHT 99
The Bouncer is checking off names from the invite list. A
long line of people are trying to get in, including J.T.
I can't believe these losers are having
such a killer party.
Coop is walking by and overhears the comment.
Hey, you're not on the list, dude.
What's with you, you pussy? Are you
joining the retard team, too?
Just then, Plantain enters and walks to the front of the
line. The high school guys stop everything to stare at her.
Plantain kisses him, while nonchalantly grabbing his crotch.
Come on. You don't need to wait in this
line. Deacon and the guys are already
Coop puts his arms around her and walks away, not without
looking back over his shoulder for a second at J.T. standing
there, dumbfounded. Then, the Bouncer escorts J.T. away.
100 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT 100
Ashley is walking by Wendy and Kelly.
I can't believe Naomi dumped Jake for
Let me tell you something about Deacon.
That boy is amazing in bed.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 102.
And you are...?
Ashley. Deacon's ex.
Seriously. Have your boyfriends ever
given you an orgasm?
I think so.
(off Ashley's look)
Have you ever felt so completely
satisfied in bed that you just wanted to
sleep for a week?
KELLY AND WENDY
You're wasting your time giving those
Neanderthals blowjobs. I mean, they'll
probably wind up unemployed wife beaters
So, are Deacon's friends seeing anybody?
Matt and Fred? I don't think so. But if
you're interested, you better move fast.
Those guys know how to do this thing ...
She whispers something to Wendy and Kelly. They look shocked.
Ashley walks off...
100A EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT 100A
...and finds Deacon, sitting alone on a broken-down ride. She
sits down next to him.
I don't know. Good, I guess.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 103.
I thought she was your fantasy girl.
Yeah. She was.
You're gonna dump her.
I don't want to. I don't know. It's not
like it was when I was with Rachael.
Rachael and I used to talk about stuff.
We just, I don't know, connected.
Very good, Deacon.
Deacon is confused.
What do you mean?
Oh, nothing. I guess I'm just glad that
you finally figured it out.
A moment of realization.
Yeah, I guess I did.
So I have to do this, don't I?
(joking this time)
I guess. Or not. Whatever.
Deacon smiles. He finally understands that Ashley really does
care about him. Ashley kisses him on the cheek and exits off
into the horizon.
101 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - NIGHT 101
Deacon holds Naomi's hand and they walk and talk.
There's something I want to talk to you
I've been thinking. Maybe we should see
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 104.
Well, I mean, we don't really have
anything in common. And we don't really
even get along.
You're breaking up with me?
Can we still have sex?
Listen to what I'm saying, Naomi.
The only reason I went out with you was
because I thought you were a nice guy.
And now you're breaking up with me?
Yeah. I guess so.
If you tell anybody about this... I have
I won't. You can tell people you dumped
me if you want.
Sure. What do I care?
You see? You are a nice guy.
She kisses him on the cheek.
Just don't tell anyone about the movies.
These guys are pornographers!
It's Jake, on the bandstand with the mike. He's drunk.
They're perverts! They make porno movies
in their basement!
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 105.
But no one is paying any attention.
No one's listening to you, Jake. Give it
Jake gets down to confront the guys.
Oh, really, skidmarks? I know someone who
will believe me. Your parents.
The web site is in someone else's name.
All our records are encrypted. There's no
tracing it to us, jerk off.
Oh, really? Well, good thing I took the
tape of Ashley masturbating in your
basement. When they see that, they'll see
what kind of movies their perfect little
Deacon is making.
Did you make a copy of it?
You sent the original tape to my parents?
You know, Jake, you're a real dick!
She punches him in the stomach. He doubles over and she
uppercuts him. He flies backwards, crashing through a table.
You should probably avoid pissing her
Noted. Guys. We've got a problem.
102 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT 102
A large envelope labelled "OPEN ME" sits with the unopened
mail on the foyer table.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 106.
103 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK - PARKING LOT - NIGHT 103
The guys get into the Aerostar.
Not so fast, ladies.
It's Vic and Mike, and Mike points his gun at Deacon's head.
Which one of you is Balls McLongcock?
Matt and Deacon give up Fred.
Too bad you're not going to be able to
use it any more.
Who the hell are you?
The competition. And who the hell are
you, coming into my town, paying girls
double what I'm paying them? This stupid
After School Special shit is cutting into
my business. So now I'm putting you out
104 OMITTED 104
105 OMITTED 105
106 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT 106
The folks are reading.
107 OMITTED 107
108 OMITTED 108
109 OMITTED 109
110 OMITTED 110
110A EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 110A
CLOSE ON the Aerostar bumper sticker, "My child is on the
honor roll at William Wall High School."
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 107.
CRANE SHOT up to the second floor landing.
110B INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT 110B
Deacon, Matt, and Fred are bound and gagged, and hanging by
their pants from meat hooks. Mike takes their gags off and
they starts whimpering.
Please don't kill us, Mr. Porno Man.
Relax. We're not going to kill you.
The guys let out a collective sigh of relief. Thank God.
Then Mike pulls out the HEDGE CLIPPERS.
(matter of fact)
We're going to cut your balls off.
The guys freak out, but Mike's gun keeps them in place.
Start with him.
Why me? It was all Deacon's idea!
Okay. Do the leader kid.
Quit squirming. It hurts a lot more if
Vic starts undoing Deacon's belt.
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Come on, kid. Take it like a man.
Vic pulls down Deacon's pants. Mike brings the blades
together in a menacing practice chop.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 108.
Deacon is CRYING like a little girl. Fred also sobs
uncontrollably, creating a cacophony of boyhood terror.
Mike goes in for the cut...
We've got pre-orders!
Mike stops and looks back at Vic.
What did you say?
We pre-sold copies of our video.
How many? Fifty? A hundred?
No. Sixty-three thousand, two hundred
That's a lot of product, Vic.
We've got orders from all over the world.
We'll give you the website if you let us
Vic looks at Mike for a second, then shrugs. Mike closes the
hedge clippers and they untie the kids and let them down.
Deacon pulls up his pants.
Okay, so what's your cut?
What except? There's no except!
Except you promise to supply us with
quality porn free of charge.
(off Deacon's look)
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 109.
It could come in handy. I mean, until we
And you have to maintain the artistic
vision of After School Special.
And what's that?
Matt puts his arm around around Vic's shoulder.
The key is to try and remember what it
was like before you had sex. What did you
used to fantasize about? A math teacher
who bends over a little too far. The door
to the girls' locker room open just a
sliver. Going over to visit your friend
and catching his mother coming out of the
Not you. Deacon's mom.
Oh yeah. I've been there.
111 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - PARENTS' BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK) 111
Deacon's mom is showering, but the door to the bathroom is
open. Fred wanders into the bedroom.
Deacon? Are you in here?
112 INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT (END FLASHBACK) 112
Okay. We've got a deal, but you gotta
give me all your master tapes.
And kid. If you ever need a job, give me
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 110.
He hands Matt a card. Deacon turns to Vic and shakes his
It's been a pleasure doing business with
you, Mr. ...
Ramalot. Vic Ramalot.
The guys savor the moment, then simultaneously realize the
clock's still ticking... They run!
113 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 113
Did you go through the mail today?
Not yet. I'll go get it.
She gets up to get the mail.
113A EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT 113A
The car races around a corner.
113B INT. AEROSTAR - NIGHT 113B
It's a minivan! It can't go that fast!
114 EXT. STREET - NIGHT 114
The car races down the street.
115 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT 115
His mom approaches the Envelope and stack of mail.
116 EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT 116
They run up to the door and burst in.
117 INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT 117
Deacon runs in and eyes: AN EMPTY TABLE.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 111.
He looks around frantically. He runs into the
117A INT. DEACON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 117A
where his parents are sitting there waiting for him. He can
tell by their expression, they know.
Looking for something in the mail,
No, I just--
Maybe something you'd rather not have us
Deacon goes white.
It's too late, Deacon.
We just want you to know how deeply
disappointed we are in you.
I can explain.
If you'll just give me a chance...
How are you going to explain this?
He holds up the REPORT CARD.
How did you manage to get a "C" in
Deacon is in shock: relieved, confused, and a little angry.
MRS. LEWIS (CONT'D)
I knew we shouldn't have let him have a
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 112.
Let alone two--
Is that what this is about? My biology
class? It's just a stupid midterm grade.
I don't like your tone, mister.
Mom, Dad. I'm seventeen now. I'm driving.
I've got a girlfriend. Well, actually, we
broke up. But you guys treat me like a
kid. Is it too much to ask for to be a
normal teenager with a normal life?
You broke up with Ashley?
No. Naomi. Look. I just want to have fun
with my friends, okay?
They look him over. Finally,
Okay, then. Just make sure you don't
repeat this performance on your finals.
Relieved, he walks out into the Foyer. Max appears from
around the corner with the tape. They walk together.
How much do you know?
Pretty much everything. Mr. Slam.
Max hands him a piece of paper.
These are my demands.
He looks them over.
Did you know all along?
Are you kidding? Who do you think made
the first pre-order?
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 113.
Max hands him the tape and they shake hands. Deacon turns to
Matt and Fred waiting in the foyer. They're relieved.
118 FRED'S FACE 118
I'm really nervous.
DEACON puts his arm around his shoulders.
My advice is to go slow. If you feel
you're losing control, just try to relax.
Don't worry. It's easier than it looks.
PULL BACK to reveal we're in
INT. DMV - DAY
Fred is about to take his driving test.
Fred gets his picture taken.
119 EXT. DEACON'S HOUSE - DAY 119
Deacon drives the minivan home and pulls in next to the brand
new convertible sports car. Deacon gets out, excited.
What do you think?
This is for me?
Are you crazy? It's for me. You want a
new car, you get an after school job.
Deacon's Mom is wearing a sexy outfit and carries an
overnight bag. She's beaming.
But we are letting you have the Aerostar.
It may not be "cool," but it'll get you
where you're going.
Thanks, guys. Really.
We're going away for the weekend. Your
father surprised me!
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 114.
Deacon's parents KISS then pull out of the driveway.
120 EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 120
Deacon pulls the minivan into the parking lot. In the
passenger seat is Fred. In the back seat are Matt, Max, and
Max's three FRIENDS. They all get out and the freshmen
scamper away. Matt is holding Deacon's driver's license.
It's not even in focus. This is really
Deacon takes it back from him.
So, guys. I decided I'm going to apply to
NYU next year. The film school.
Too bad we burned the film. You could
have submitted it as your sample.
Good idea, Balls.
The guys start laughing.
So, I guess we all got what we deserved.
No money, no power, no women.
Tony Montana would be pissed.
Just then, Rachael spots them and walks over.
Speak for yourself, guys.
Hey, guys. Deacon.
Deacon KISSES her. The other two guys are stunned.
121 INT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY 121
Deacon walks down the hallway with Matt and Fred, and holding
Rachael's hand. The four of them run into Wendy and Kelly.
Hey, guys. Hey, Deacon. I heard Naomi
broke up with you.
Yeah. But I think it worked out better
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 115.
Hey, Fred. I hear you know a thing or two
about giving women pleasure.
Fred freezes. He steels himself, trying to build up the nerve
to say what he wants to say. Then,
No, I don't.
She's disappointed. The whole gang hangs their heads. Then,
Matt knows a thing or two about
pleasuring women. I know everything.
Fred smiles ear to ear. Wendy laughs, duly impressed.
We should go out some time.
Kelly looks at Matt seductively.
Maybe all four of us could go out.
That could work, you know, depending on
Cool. So call me.
They walk off just as Jake pushes Deacon from behind.
Watch where you're going, sphincter boy.
But he's dealing with a totally new and improved Deacon now.
I thought I told you not to call me that
What are you going to do about it?
Some people never learn.
Matt pulls out a funky remote control. He hits a button and
all the monitors come on up and down the hallway. Students
stop to look up at them.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 116.
121A ON THE MONITORS 121A
plays a specially edited version of the infamous first
attempt at making the porno, aptly titled, "William H. Wall
High School Presents: The Premature E-Jake-ulator."
I've got a tiny pee-pee? I'm a premature
121B HALLWAY 121B
Jake is horrified.
Stop it! Stop the video!
You probably shouldn't have mailed that
tape back to us.
The video starts repeating in continuous loop, but has been
edited to sound like a rap song.
Tiny pee-pee. Tiny pee-pee. E-jac-u-la-
tor. E-jac, e-jac, e-jac-u-laaaaaaa-tor.
Students point and laugh at him, while Deacon and the guys
continue on down the hallway, dancing to the beat. Deacon
kisses Rachael goodbye.
You know, guys, I've been thinking about
About how making the movie didn't turn
out to be so fun. I think I figured out
They stop at their lockers.
Sex is like a comic book, still in the
original wrapper. Once you open it up and
read it, it loses its value.
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT 117.
I think he's got something there. Making
that movie felt like we were tampering
with forces we couldn't possibly
Exactly. The fun part about high school
is unravelling the mystery of what's
going to happen next.
The guys smile and dial the combinations on their lockers. In
the background, Jake is still on the ground crying. We TRACK
through the hallway, outside...
121C EXT. WILLIAM WALL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY 121C
... where we see a large CAR TRANSPORT, with three hot new
sports cars on it. Their license plates read "JOHNNY H," "SAM
SLAM," and "BALLS."
TRACK OVER to Mike, unloading the cars and Vic, standing
122 INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 122
Deacon's parents are in bed. On the TV plays familiar
sounding porno music on the hotel pay-per-view.
Why do they always have to show the guy's
To make you think you can get girls as
hot as her. It's a basic rule of porno.
A long beat.
Hey. Isn't that our basement?
After School Special
Writers : David H. Steinberg
Genres : Comedy