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Movie Chat



ALL SCRIPTS




 
                           THE BIG SICK




                            Written by

                 Emily V. Gordon & Kumail Nanjiani




1


    OVER BLACK.

    We hear audience laughter.

                           ANDY DODD (V.O.)
              Give it up for my man, Mr. Kumail
              Nanjiani!

                           KUMAIL (V.O.)
              Hello. I grew up in Pakistan. And people
              are always asking me, what was that like?
              Really not that different from here. I
              mean we played cricket, which is just a
              spicier version of baseball. And we
              prayed a lot. Well not a lot, just five
              times a day. And we marry someone our
              parents find for us. Arranged marriage,
              you know. For me, it was probably that we
              got episodes of the A-Team a little bit
              later. And by a little bit later, I mean
              we just got episode two. But other than
              that, it was exactly the same.



    A CREDIT SEQUENCE PLAYS.

    Kumail drives an Uber around Chicago with VARIOUS
    PASSENGERS in the backseat.



    INT. TRIPLE DOOR - PRESENT DAY - NIGHT

    Kumail walks into the comedy club as MARY is doing a set
    on stage. CHRIS intercepts Kumail as he walks backstage.

                           CHRIS
              There's no bad crowds dude. Only bad
              comedians.

                           KUMAIL
              You complain about the crowd like all
              the time.

                           CHRIS
              Yeah, but that's when they're really bad.

                           KUMAIL
              So like ninety percent of the time,
              they're really bad?
2


                           CHRIS
              Will you just watch and give me notes
              tonight? If we both give each other
              notes, I think it would be helpful.

                           KUMAIL
              Your notes are just to add more "fucks"
              into the bit.

                           CHRIS
              Fuck's a funny word. Soft on the top and
              it's hard on the end.

    Mary walks off the stage and sits on the couch next to
    CJ.

                           MARY
              That was truly horrible.

                           KUMAIL
              Hey, that was great.

                           MARY
              No, he didn't even crack a smile. I
              thought I was gonna puke.

                             CHRIS
              Who?

                             MARY
              Bob Dalavan.

                           CHRIS
              Who's Bob Dalaban?

                           CJ
              Bob Dalavan - works for the Montreal
              Comedy Festival, you fuckin' doof.
              Don't you want to get noticed? Move to
              LA? Hang out with Elijah Wood and shit.

    ANDY DODD, the coked-up emcee, appears out of the
    bathroom.

                           DODD
              No one's on stage?

                             MARY
              No!

    Dodd rushes on stage.

                           KUMAIL
              He might have been doing cocaine.
3


                           CJ
              Was he doing cocaine recreationally?

                           MARY
              A true cokehead.

    Dodd jumps up on stage.

                           DODD (O.S.)
              Now before I bring up the next guy, you
              guys know tonight is Jell-o Shot
              Tuesday! Whooo!! And we all know what
              happens after eight Jell-o shots. We
              urinate all over ourselves and puke.
              Okay, so I'm going to bring up the next
              comic. You know this man.

    Chris slaps his own face.

                           CHRIS
              Confidence. Poise. Smile.

                           Dodd (O.S.)
              Give it up for Mister Chris Jones!


    Chris walks on stage.

                           KUMAIL
              He's like if a serial killer fucked an
              inspirational speaker.

                           CJ
              He's like Daniel Day Lewis except he
              sucks.

                           CHRIS
              Just bought a laser printer. Printed
              out like six lasers so far.

    CJ, Kumail, and Mary watching Chris' set. Andy Dodd
    saunters backstage.

                           KUMAIL
              Hey Dodd. Dalavan's in the crowd
              tonight. Could I do ten?

                           DODD
              No. Five minutes. You put out chairs,
              you get five minutes. You know the
              deal.

                           KUMAIL
              C'mon man. I'll double it up next time.
4


                            DODD
              No.

    Dodd walks back into the bathroom.

                           KUMAIL
              What are you gonna do in there?

                           DODD
              I'm making up next week's schedule.

                            KUMAIL
              Okay. Cool.



    INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER

    CJ is on stage crushing it. Kumail and Mary watch from
    the wings.

                           CJ
              I was in bed with my girlfriend and I was
              trying to mansplain to her that, you
              know, we are on one little rock orbiting
              a star in a galaxy of a billion stars in
              a universe full of a billion galaxies, so
              I forgot your birthday. Who gives a shit?
              You are cosmically over reacting to this.
              Honestly you are being super selfish.
              You're right, but you're selfish.

    Kumail looks out at the crowd. Dalavan enjoys CJ's set.



    INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER

    Kumail puts a RECORDER on his stool, presses RECORD and
    starts his set.

                           KUMAIL
              Hey! Have you guys heard of this new drug
              cocktail called cheese? I saw these news
              reports so I looked up what cheese is and
              cheese is a mixture. Cheese is Tylenol PM
              and heroin. So really, it's heroin.
              Heroin's doing the heavy lifting. Just do
              the heroin, it's very powerful. You
              already have heroin.

    Kumail looks to see if Bob Dalavan is laughing. He's not
    there. He's in the back talking to CJ. Fuck.
5


                          KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                   (pushing through)
             Is Pakistan in the house?!

    O.S. A WOMAN "Woo-hoos!" Kumail looks out at the crowd
    and sees EMILY, late 20's, white with a streak of blue
    in her hair. She sits at a table with a few friends.

                          KUMAIL (CONT'D)
             You're not from Pakistan. I would have
             noticed you.

    She smiles.

    Crowded bar scene after the show. Kumail, Chris, Mary
    and CJ hang out at the bar.

                          CHRIS
             He just gave you Montreal? Like you
             don't have to showcase or audition or
             anything?

                          CJ
             It was too easy. Like I wanted to
             struggle. I wanted a story to be able
             to tell on talk shows and instead,
             like, you guys don't know how hard it
             is not to struggle. It's a struggle
             succeeding effortlessly.

                          MARY
             Did he say anything about me?

                          CJ
             Sure.

                          CHRIS
             What about me?

                          CJ
             Both of you. He said, those guys
             performed...

                          MARY
             I truly hate you, actually.

                          CHRIS
             We all hate you.

    Kumail walks over to Emily and her friend JESSIE, talks
    loud over the music.

                          KUMAIL
             Hi.
6


                          EMILY
              Hi.

                           KUMAIL
              Um, my name is Kumail.

                           EMILY
              Yeah. We know.

                           JESSIE
              We saw you perform.

                           KUMAIL
              Yeah. Now that the niceties are out of
              the way, I have to tell you that when
              you yelled at me, it threw me off. You
              really shouldn't heckle comedians. It's
              so rude.

                           EMILY
              I didn't heckle you. I just woo-hooed
              you. It was supportive.

                           KUMAIL
              Okay, that's a common misconception.
              Yelling anything at a comedian is
              considered heckling. Heckling doesn't
              have to be negative.

                           EMILY
              So if I yelled out "You're amazing in
              bed," that would be a heckle?

                           KUMAIL
              Yeah. It'd be an accurate heckle.

                           JESSIE
              Wow. Goodbye!

    Jessie walks away.

                           EMILY
              Don't go! You scared my friend off now.

                           KUMAIL
              What's your name?

                          EMILY
              Emily.

    Kumail writes Emily's name in Urdu on a napkin.
7


                           KUMAIL
              I want to show you something, Emily.
              This is your name in Urdu.

    Emily picks up the napkin, looks at it.

                           EMILY
              Whoa. Does this move work?

                           KUMAIL
              I've had some minor success with it.

                           EMILY
              Bullshit.



    INT. TRIPLE DOOR BAR - LATER

    Emily and Kumail are still at the bar.

                           KUMAIL
              So you came to a comedy show with your
              friends?

                           EMILY
              Yeah, we're all grad students at U of
              C.

                           KUMAIL
              What are you studying at grad school?

                           EMILY
              I study psychology. I'm going to be a
              therapist.

                           KUMAIL
              Oh so you're gonna sit on a couch and
              ask people, "how did that make you
              feel?"

                           EMILY
              Eventually. Right now I'm doing field
              work with a group of guys convicted of
              domestic violence.

                           KUMAIL
              Jesus.

                           EMILY
              Cheers to that.
8


                           KUMAIL
              Oh wow. No, don't cheers to that. To
              you becoming a therapist.

                           EMILY
              Great. To me getting my masters. We'll
              start there and then we'll go to the
              rest of it.



    INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - LATER

    Kumail and Emily walk in. It's a typical bachelor pad
    boy house. Milk crates for furniture, mess everywhere,
    no art on the walls. Chris is sitting on the couch
    watching TV.

                           KUMAIL
              So my roommate Chris is probably on the
              couch. He's going to try and start a
              conversation. So no matter what- do not
              engage. Okay? Let's go.

                           CHRIS
              Hi!

    Emily and Kumail walk by Chris avoiding eye contact.
    Kumail closes the bedroom door behind him.

                           CHRIS (CONT'D)
              Good for him.



    INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS

    Kumail's bed is an inflatable air mattress. There are
    clothes everywhere.

                           KUMAIL
              Do you want to watch a movie?

                           EMILY
              Sure. Should I just, put my stuff down?
              Or...

                           KUMAIL
              Yeah, I would say it's safe. You know
              what, go for that area. I cleaned that
              earlier this year.

    Kumail points to a corner of his room covered in dirty
    clothes.
9


                           EMILY
              Should I take my shoes off or is this a
              shoes on bed?

                           KUMAIL
              No, it's a shoes off bed. I have strict
              rules.

    Emily crawls onto the air mattress.

                           EMILY
              Oh wow. That's totally an inflated
              mattress.

                           KUMAIL
              Yeah. Did you think it would be a flat
              inflatable mattress?

                           EMILY
              I did think it might be an actual
              mattress.

                           KUMAIL
              Well air mattresses are actual
              mattresses. You're being bigoted towards
              air based comfort items.

    Kumail picks up the remote and turns on the TV. Night of
    the Living Dead is playing.

                           KUMAIL (CONT'D)
              Night of The Living Dead?

                           EMILY
              Sure, I haven't ever seen that movie.

                           KUMAIL
              Okay, so basically the dead start rising.
              And the good guys, um...

    They eye each other flirtatiously. Laugh. Lean in and
    kiss.



    INT. KUMAIL'S LIVING ROOM

    Chris hits the Siri button on his iPhone.

                           CHRIS
              Text Lauren. You up girl?

                           SIRI
              What do you want to say to Warren?
10


                            CHRIS
               Ah, no. Fuck.

     Chris hits the Siri button again.

                            SIRI
               What do you want to say to-

                            CHRIS
               You up? Period. Send.

                            SIRI
               That may be beyond my abilities at the
               moment.

                            CHRIS
               Fuck.



     INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

     Kumail and Emily post-coital.

                            EMILY
               What are these scars?

                            KUMAIL
               Oh, they're a smallpox vaccination.

                            EMILY
               I thought only old people had those.

                            KUMAIL
               Well I'm from Pakistan. We're still
               fighting some battles you guys have
               already won.

                            EMILY
               What were you like in high school? Were
               you like, super funny? Were you really
               smart?

                            KUMAIL
               I was very shy. They called me
               chashmullee.

                            EMILY
               What is that?

                            KUMAIL
               It roughly translates to "dweeb." I'll
               show you a picture.
11


     Kumail flips through his phone and produces his old high
     school photo, shows it to her.

                           EMILY
              Of you in high school? Oh my god!

                             KUMAIL
              Boom.

                             EMILY
              No.

                           KUMAIL
              And I'm thinking I'm killing it right
              now.

                           EMILY
              What inspired this hair cut?

                             KUMAIL
              Hugh Grant.

                           EMILY
              Oh no. And you're so serious.

                           KUMAIL
              I read in an interview with Hugh Grant,
              he said he doesn't smile because it
              makes his face look fat. So I didn't
              smile in pictures for many years. What
              were you like in high school? Were you
              voted... Most Sexy?

                           EMILY
              No. I was voted "Most Noticeable."

                             KUMAIL
              That's good.

                           EMILY
              No. It's really not good. I had acne,
              and I was a Goth and I had this
              terrible perm. The kids called me
              Beetlejuice. I don't know why. Actually
              I do know why, it's because they
              thought I looked like Beetlejuice. I
              think I'm done with this subject. In
              fact, I think I'm gonna go home.

     Emily gets up, pulling the blanket with her to hide her
     body. Kumail holds onto it, stopping her progress.

                           KUMAIL
              Wait we haven't even had sex again yet.
12


     She tugs the blanket, he lets go. She dresses behind it.

                            EMILY
               No. No. I'm really not that kind of
               girl. I only have sex once on a first
               date. Plus a hand job.

                            KUMAIL
               Well I haven't had that yet!

     Emily laughs.

                            EMILY
               You don't get that because you made fun
               of me.

                            KUMAIL
               What is happening right now? What are you
               doing?

                            EMILY
               I'm changing under this blanket.

                            KUMAIL
               I've seen everything. Do you remember, we
               were just having sex?

                            EMILY
               Yeah, but you were in the throes of
               passion then. Listen, I had a really nice
               time. Thank you very much. I'm just gonna
               call an Uber and go home.

     Emily pulls out her PHONE, calls an Uber. Kumail's phone
     makes a noise. They exchange a look.

                            KUMAIL
               Your driver will be ready as soon as he
               puts on his pants.

                            EMILY
               Were you available for rides while we
               were fucking?

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah, but I only looked a couple of
               times.



     INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - LATER

     Kumail Ubers Emily home. Emily sits in the back.
13


                  KUMAIL
     So. Maybe I'll run into you at the club
     sometime and we can grab a drink?

                  EMILY
     I'm not really - I know this sounds
     like a line - but I'm not really dating
     right now. I have a lot of school and
     work and just a lot on my plate.

                  KUMAIL
     That's perfect because I'm not really
     dating right now either. I actually
     have a pretty strict two-day rule where
     I can't see someone more than two days
     in a row. So since we hung out for two
     days, if I were to see you again, which
     I won't because you're not dating, I'm
     not dating, I wouldn't be able to see
     you until Monday.

                  EMILY
     We haven't hung out for two days. We've
     hung out for about five hours. Just to
     like, be totally clear.

                  KUMAIL
     Yesterday and today. Cause it's after
     midnight, today is actually tomorrow.
     Earlier tonight was yesterday. So two
     days.

                  EMILY
     You see, I don't date time nerds, so that
     really takes you off the table.

                  KUMAIL
     That works out, because I am a hard
     core time nerd.

                  EMILY
     Yeah, I can tell.

                  KUMAIL
     I'm like, very strict about AM/PM
     stuff.

                  EMILY
     So wait, just to establish, what did we
     just decide?

                  KUMAIL
     We decided we aren't ever going to see
     each other again.
14


                            EMILY
               Great. I'm glad we're on the same page.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS DINING ROOM - BRUNCH

     Kumail is eating brunch with his father, AZMAT, his
     mother SHARMEEN, his brother, NAVEED, and his sister-in-
     law, FATIMA.

                            Azmat
               Look at these jeans, Kumi. They're from
               Citizens of Humanity, that's the
               brand's name. Touch them. They're so
               soft.

                            KUMAIL
               I don't want to touch your jeans.

                            AZMAT
               They're like sweatpants. You should be
               stylish like your father. It's not very
               difficult. Just observe me.

                            NAVEED
               Get some Daddy Style.

                            SHARMEEN
               Kumi, why don't you grow a beard? Not
               like Naveed's, just a small one.

                            AZMAT
               Maybe like mine, small and stylish.

                            SHARMEEN
               Kumi, I've been thinking, you know, why
               you don't enroll for LSAT now?

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah sorry, Ma. I haven't done it yet.
               I like that you bring it up as though
               you've never brought it up before.

                            NAVEED
               How's the stand-up coming Bhai?

                            KUMAIL
               It's going fine.

                            SHARMEEN
               Since when are you someone to stand-up?
               You know who I think should stand up is
               Malala. She has something to say.
15


                 NAVEED
     Ma-la-la.


                  KUMAIL
     She does open mics and she crushes. Lot
     of ethnic material, which I think is a
     crutch, and that one story gets a lot of
     play, but -

                  FATIMA
     You should be on that show Saturday Night
     Live!

                 NAVEED
     SNL!

                  KUMAIL
     That's a great idea. I should e-mail
     them, I don't know why I hadn't thought
     of that.

                  AZMAT
     You know, I hacked into your Cousin
     Rehan's Facebook account-

                  KUMAIL
     You hacked into it?

                  AZMAT
     Yeah, they were not accepting my friend
     request so I had to hack into it and I
     discovered he and that white woman he is
     living with are having a baby -

                  KUMAIL
     They're married.

                  AZMAT
     Yeah, whatever. And then I hacked into
     Tumblr and I discovered that they named
     him Davé. Can you imagine?

                  KUMAIL
     Dave. It's probably Dave.

                  ALL
     Ah, Dave. Yes, Dave.

                  SHARMEEN
     Very, very, very sad. No one is going to
     visit that baby. That baby, mark my
     words, will grow up without a family.
16


                            FATIMA
               It's like he's dead. Or worse.

                            SHARMEEN
               It's very sad. Kumi, go pray now so we
               can eat ice cream. Go! The ja-namaz is
               downstairs.

                            NAVEED
               Hurry up yaar. Ice cream.

     Kumail leaves the room.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS BASEMENT- DAY

     Kumail sets his stop watch for five minutes. He unfolds
     a FOLDED UP PRAYER MAT, stands beside it, looks on his
     phone. Kumail's stopwatch goes off. He folds up his mat.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS DINING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

     Kumail is back. Everyone is eating ice cream.

                            AZMAT
               My mother used to make best kulfi. Your
               grandmother.

                            KUMAIL
               I think ice cream is better than kulfi.

                               AZMAT
               No, no-

     DOORBELL RINGS.

                            SHARMEEN
               Oh. I wonder who that could be?

     Sharmeen goes to the door.

                            KUMAIL
               I'm guessing it's a young, single
               Pakistani woman who just happened to be
               driving by our house, which is in a cul-
               de-sac and I'm also guessing that the
               phrase "dropped in" will be said in the
               next ten seconds.

                            AZMAT/NAVEED/FATIMA
               Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven -
17


     Sharmeen enters with a dressed up, pretty Pakistani girl
     ZUBEIDA, 20's.

                            SHARMEEN
               Everyone. This is Zubeida. She just
               dropped in.

                              ZUBEIDA
               Salaam.

                            ALL
               Wa alaikum salaam.

                              SHARMEEN
               Please, sit.

     Zubeida sits next to Kumail and hands him a HEADSHOT.

                            ZUBEIDA
               Here, Kumail. For your files. Your X-
               Files. Because that's your favorite
               show, huh?

                            KUMAIL
               Thank you so much.

                            ZUBEIDA
               The truth is out there!

     Nervous laughter all around.

                            KUMAIL
               It's from the show. Thank you.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE - LATER

     Sharmeen and Kumail are seeing Zubeida out.

                            SHARMEEN
               I hope you come back.

     Zubeida exits, Sharmeen looks at Kumail expectantly.

                            SHARMEEN (CONT'D)
               Kumi, there's not going to be a magic
               spark, okay? You have to work at it. You
               have to stay open.

                            KUMAIL
               Okay, Ma, yeah. I just wish you were
               better at it, you know?
                            (MORE)
18

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               I mean you've had so much practice and
               you're still not that good at it!

                             SHARMEEN
               Ha. Ha. Ha.

                            KUMAIL
               You brought your A-game with Naveed, but
               then with me, you're kind of just phoning
               it in a little bit.

                            SHARMEN
               Again with the comedy, the comedy. All
               the time with the comedy. Be serious!

                            KUMAIL
               I am serious! That's why I want to help
               you get better!



     INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - LATER

     Kumail puts the HEADSHOT in the cigar box with a bunch
     of other pictures of Pakistani women.



     INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - LATER

     Kumail drives Emily. She is in the back seat again.

                            EMILY
               So, are you ever going to let me sit in
               the front seat?

                            KUMAIL
               No, I'm a professional. And you're paying
               for this ride.

                            EMILY
               I don't want to pay for this ride! It's
               surging right now.

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah, sorry. You shouldn't have typed in
               the number.



     INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - LATER

     Emily and Kumail on the couch in front of the TV.
19


                            KUMAIL
               Okay. The year is 1969. MGM has had a
               string of failures. So, it turns to its
               most bankable star, Vincent Price.

                            EMILY
               Is this your compatibility test? Like,
               the way people are with Vonnegut or The
               Big Lebowski?

                            KUMAIL
               No! Just watch the movie. And take it
               seriously.

                            EMILY
               I'm going to love it. I love it when men
               test me on my taste.

                            KUMAIL
               I just want to share this movie with you,
               so I don't know why you're reading into-

                            EMILY
               How many women have you shown this movie
               to?

                           KUMAIL
               Zero.

                            EMILY
               How many women have you shown a B Horror
               movie to on like, a third date.

                            KUMAIL
               This is not a B horror movie.

     Emily laughs.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Okay, you ready? Just close your eyes
               cause when the menu comes up, there's
               some spoilers in the menu.

                            EMILY
               I'm ready, I'm ready!

                            KUMAIL
               Ok, I'll hit play.

     LATER, Kumail checks out Emily's reaction, she doesn't
     seem into it.

                           KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Watch!
20


                            EMILY
               I'm watching!

                            KUMAIL
               Shhhhhh! Watch this part.

                            EMILY
               Stop watching me!

     Emily yawns.

                            KUMAIL
               No! Are you tired? We can watch it later.

                            EMILY
               I just have that weird yawning thing that
               happens, when you're watching a really
               boring film.

                            KUMAIL
               It's not boring! Wait for it to kick in.
               The plot kicks in really soon.

     LATER, Kumail and Emily make out. In the background,
     Vincent Price exacts his revenge.



     EXT. EMILY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

     Kumail walks Emily to her front door.

                            EMILY
               That was fun. Thanks for the ride home,
               but we gotta stop doing this.

                           KUMAIL
               Yeah.

                            EMILY
               I know I've said that before, but I
               really do mean it. I can't be doing this
               right now.

                            KUMAIL
               I know. Totally. One hundred percent. I
               agree with you.

                            EMILY
               So don't call me again.

                            KUMAIL
               I won't. I promise.
21


                            EMILY
               Good luck on all your future endeavors.

                            KUMAIL
               Oh yeah, thank you. Hey, can we have an
               awkward hug before we part forever?

                            EMILY
               Ok.

                            KUMAIL
               Ok.

     Kumail goes in for an awkward hug.

                            EMILY
               Goodbye.

                            KUMAIL
               Goodbye.

     Emily goes inside. Kumail calls her immediately. She
     answers and they talk to each other through the door.

                            EMILY
               You just promised never to call me
               again.

                            KUMAIL
               It's really cold out here. It's so
               cold.

                            EMILY
               You make a pretty good point.

     She opens the door, Kumail goes in.

                            EMILY (CONT'D)
               It's a lot warmer in here.

                            KUMAIL
               It is warmer in here.

                            EMILY
               You know, it's really nice upstairs.

                            KUMAIL
               Is it?
22


     SONG PLAYS... "FALLING IN LOVE" MONTAGE

     - EMILY'S APARTMENT - Emily is reading the DSM-V on the
     couch with her legs draped over Kumail while he listens
     to his stand-up set, taking notes. Emily plays footsie
     with Kumail. They both laugh.

     -- KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE. Kumail's family is eating
     dinner. The doorbell rings and Sharmeen stands up to get
     the door.

     -- KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - Kumail puts another HEADSHOT in
     the cigar box along with the other pictures of Pakistani
     women.

     -- KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE. Kumail's family is having
     dinner. The doorbell rings again.

     -- KUMAIL'S APARTMENT. Another HEADSHOT goes into the
     cigar box.

     --   KUMAIL'S APARTMENT. Kumail and Emily snuggle in bed.

     -- EMILY'S APARTMENT. Emily and Kumail play footsie on
     her couch.

     -- KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE. Kumail is mid-sip of water
     when he hears the doorbell ring.

     -- KUMAIL'S APARTMENT. Another headshot into the cigar
     box.

     END MONTAGE.



     INT. TRIPLE DOOR BAR - LATER

     Emily with Kumail and his friends: CJ and Mary.

                             CJ
                Emily, has Kumail told you that in
                addition to being an Uber driver he
                also has a one-man show?

                             EMILY
                No, he did not tell me that.   Do you
                really?

                             KUMAIL
                It's really nothing. It's just
                something I'm fiddling around with.
23


                  EMILY
     How is a one man show different from
     stand-up?

                  KUMAIL
     It's really not.

                  MARY
     There's lots of wigs and costume
     changes.

                  CJ
     There's a lot of acting in it.

                  MARY
     And then like at the end of it, you've
     got this very awkward conversation where
     you go, "I really liked it."

                  KUMAIL
     But I thought you really liked it!

                  MARY
     I really liked it.

                  EMILY
     I can't wait to see the show.

                  KUMAIL
     You will never see the show...

                  CJ
     You have to see the show.

                  MARY
     You have to see it.

                  KUMAIL
     It's not ready.

                  CJ
     You will love the acting.

                  KUMAIL
     They're fucking with you.   It's not
     really like that.

                  EMILY
     Are they fucking with me or you? It
     seems like they're fucking with you.
24


     INT. PLAYGROUND THEATER - STAGE - NIGHT

     Tiny theater, sparsely attended (Emily, her friend
     JESSIE, Mary and CJ). On stage is a kid's room. A NINJA
     TURTLES POSTER, a PRAYER MAT.

                            KUMAIL
               I'm twelve years old. This...this is
               home. Feels like I never left. Do you
               smell that? That's my mom cooking the
               Murgh Roghen Joash.

                             CJ
                       (quietly, in the audience)
               Fuck.

                            KUMAIL
               Do you hear that? That's my father
               watching cricket on the telly. Do you
               feel that? That's the weight of
               Pakistan's history.

                                                    TIME CUT TO:

     A MAP OF PAKISTAN is behind Kumail.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Pakistan was formed when it separated
               from its biggest rival, India, on
               August 14th 1947.

                                                    TIME CUT TO:

     Kumail now wears CRICKET PADS & holds a BAT.

                             KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Six runs!

                                                    TIME CUT TO:

     Kumail pulls up a diagram of a cricket field.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Silly Mid On, Short Mid Wicket,
               Midwicket, Deep Mid Wicket, Mid On, Long
               On, Long Off...

     CJ stretches in the audience.

                            JESSIE
                      (quietly, from the audience)
               I have to leave as soon as the show's
               over. I can't stay.
25


     Emily nods in understanding.

                            KUMAIL
               So if you get a Silly Mid On fielder, you
               know you're getting a Yorker soon.

                                                  TIME CUT TO:

     Return to the MAP OF PAKISTAN

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               So to review, Pakistan's biggest exports
               are cotton and...

                            AUDIENCE
               Concrete.

                            CJ
                      (quietly)
               Kill me.

                                                  TIME CUT TO:

     Kumail wears a SHALWAR KURTA.

                            KUMAIL
               Eid Mubarak. That's our Christmas.
               Except instead of the traditional
               Christmas ham, we serve Mitthai, which
               my khansama Chris will serve to you
               right now. Khansama is Urdu for
               servant.

     Chris hands out WHITE SUGARY CHALKY CUBES from a tray.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               If you'd like to make it at home, the
               main ingredients are condensed milk,
               sugar, and love. At least, that was my
               mom's recipe.

                            CJ
                      (quietly, to Chris)
               Hey, you look like a children's toy from
               Malaysia.

                            KUMAIL
               Now all rise for the Pakistani national
               anthem.

     All stand with their hand over their hearts as Kumail
     sings.
26


     INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER

     Emily meets Kumail backstage.        She wears a SWEATSHIRT
     with BRAINS on it.

                                 EMILY
                  Hey!

                                 KUMAIL
                  Hey!    So? What did you think?

                               EMILY
                  Um, I thought it was great.

                                 KUMAIL
                  Yeah?

                               EMILY
                  I never knew that Pakistan had the
                  world's largest irrigation system.

                               KUMAIL
                  Yeah. Something like 14 million
                  hectares are being irrigated. As soon
                  as I read that I was like "oh, that's
                  going in the show."

     CJ and Mary appear behind them.

                               CJ
                  Hey, that was... You were in the zone,
                  man. That was the best one we've seen.

                               MARY
                  Yeah, that was so honest and good.

                               CJ
                  And you know what I realized halfway
                  through? You're from Pakistan! Good to
                  see you Emily!

                                 EMILY
                  Bye guys!

                                 CJ
                  Keep up the-

     They exit.

                               KUMAIL
                  They seem to like it.

                               EMILY
                  They're so nice.
27


                            KUMAIL
               So, really what did you think?   You know,
               it's a work in progress...

                            EMILY
               I really liked it. I learned a lot.
               About Pakistan, and cricket. All those
               positions. But I just wish that I
               learned more about you. Does that make
               any sense?

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah.



     INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT

     Kumail is asleep. EMILY is awake. She looks over at
     Kumail, and very silently, guiltily, crawls out of bed.



     INT. KUMAIL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

     Emily sneaks past Chris who is passed out on the couch
     and goes into the bathroom.



     INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

     Emily looks around Kumail's bedroom for something.

     She starts putting her clothes on. Kumail wakes up.

                            KUMAIL
               Hey.

                            EMILY
               Oh, hi!

                            KUMAIL
               It's 3 AM.

                            EMILY
               Is that diner around the corner open?

                            KUMAIL
               It's 24 hours. Why?   You want an old
               lemon meringue pie?
28


                  EMILY
     You're so funny! Actually, no, I
     just...I really need to get a cup of
     coffee.

                  KUMAIL
     I can make you coffee.

                  EMILY
     I love diner coffee.     That burnt taste.

                  KUMAIL
     All right, I'll come with you.

                  EMILY
     No, no! Why would you do that?

                  KUMAIL
     It's a bad neighborhood. I'm not gonna
     let you go on your own.

                  EMILY
     Why cause I'm a woman? Seriously, that's
     the most misogynist thing I've ever
     heard.

                  KUMAIL
     Why are you being so weird?

                  EMILY
     Fuck you, I'm not being weird.

                  KUMAIL
     You're being so weird.

                  EMILY
     Fuck you. You're being weird!    You're
     being so weird!

                  KUMAIL
     How am I weird? I want to sleep while
     it's sleep time.

                  EMILY
     This is normal. Girls go to get coffee
     in the middle of the night. Have you
     never had a girlfriend before? This is
     what it's like.

                  KUMAIL
     Are you okay?
29


                           EMILY
              Everything is not okay. Everything is
              not okay.

                           KUMAIL
              You can tell me anything, you know that
              right? You can tell me anything.

                           EMILY
              I have to take a shit, okay? I have to
              take a huge fucking dookie. I can't
              take a poo in your bathroom because you
              don't have any matches and you don't
              have any air freshener. What kind of
              person doesn't have any matches or air
              freshener in the bathroom? The walls
              are so thin! And Chris is right out
              there.

     Kumail starts laughing.

                           EMILY (CONT'D)
              Please stop laughing! Please, please.

                           KUMAIL
              Okay, I have an idea.



     EXT. KUMAIL'S HOUSE- MOMENTS LATER

     Kumail sits on the stoop outside. After a beat, Emily
     sheepishly walks out and sits next to him.

                             KUMAIL
              How are you?

                           EMILY
              I do not want to talk about it.



     INT. BATTING CAGES - DAY

     Naveed fully geared up: batting helmet, gloves, elbow
     pad, eye-black. Kumail behind the backstop, watching.

                           NAVEED
              Watch and learn, Bhai. It's all about
              shifting weight and torque.

     A BALL ZINGS at Naveed, he misses completely.
30


                             NAVEED (CONT'D)
               Oh Christ!

                             KUMAIL
               Oh.

     Another ball zings. Misses again.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               You're like a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.

     An 8-year old KID in a cage nearby cracks a clean hit.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Hey he's pretty good. Just do what
               he's doing.

     Naveed throws down his bat and exits the cage.



     INT. BATTING CAGE SNACK SHACK - LATER

     Kumail and Naveed eat from tiffins & ramekins. They fork-
     fight over their meal.

                             NAVEED
               Mine.

                             KUMAIL
               Come on.

                             NAVEED
               Mine, mine.

                            KUMAIL
               These cookies are really good.

                            NAVEED
               They're biscuits! Listen to yourself.
               You hardly sound Pakistani. "Cookies"?
               You sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
               You're such a burger.

                            KUMAIL
               I'm not a burger.


                            NAVEED
               Yes, you are. You're a big fat burger.

                            KUMAIL
               I'm not a burger and biscuit is actually
               a British term.
31


                            NAVEED
               Well thank you for that information
               that no one gives a shit about and you
               should listen to mom and grow a beard.

                            KUMAIL
               It gets really itchy, I've tried. It's
               all patchy.

                            NAVEED
               Try being a man and conditioning like I
               do.

                            KUMAIL
               What's the whole thing with Muslims
               growing beards anyway? It's such an
               arbitrary thing. Like who decided that?
               Oh, we have to have beards.

                            NAVEED
               Yeah. There are a billion of us and you
               are the only one with the truth. Is
               that right? The sun is just shining
               down on you right now. It's just
               parting like "ahh".

                            KUMAIL
               You know, I have to tell you something,
               Bhai.

                            NAVEED
               Here we go. Yeah?

                            KUMAIL
               I've been dating this girl.

                              NAVEED
               Acha.

                              KUMAIL

               She's white.

                            NAVEED
               I thought you were going to say you were
               involved in a hit and run or you got
               caught forging some checks. But a WHITE
               GIRL? Such a cliche.

     A white family stares in their direction.

                            KUMAIL
               It's okay! We hate terrorists!
32


                            NAVEED
               Listen. I understand. You're in
               America. You wanna mow a few lawns and
               see what it's like. But eventually you
               have to marry a Pakistani girl. Like I
               hung out with other girls. But then I
               married Fatima. We hardly spoke two
               words to each other the first few
               months! But now, Kumi, she's like my
               best friend. You have to break up with
               her immediately.

                            KUMAIL
               If I find someone who's as good for me
               as Fatima is for you, Mom would
               understand, right? I mean, she wouldn't
               love me less?

                            NAVEED
               She would definitely love you less.
               Slowly, you'd sort of -- what's the
               word when guys stop returning girls'
               calls?

                              KUMAIL
               Ghosting?

                              NAVEED
               Yes.
                     (dead serious)
               You have to end it now or Mom will
               fucking ghost you.

     Naveed gets up.

                              NAVEED (CONT'D)
               Now come on.

     He exits, leaving Kumail alone at the table.



     INT. GRAD PARTY - LATER

     Kumail and Emily are sipping wine out of plastic cups.

                            EMILY
               I'm getting a lot of bright fruit. I'd
               say it's very fruit forward.

                            KUMAIL
               Uh huh. It tastes like grape juice
               that's gone bad. How do you know so
               much about wine?
33


                  EMILY
     Um, because, I was pretty unhappy in my
     first marriage and I drank a lot and
     one way to cover drinking is to know a
     lot about wine.

                  KUMAIL
     I'm sorry wait, what did you say?

                  EMILY
     That knowing a lot about wine sort of
     covers for drinking a lot.

                  KUMAIL
     No, the huge piece of information
     you're trying to blow right past.

                  EMILY
     Yeah. I was married.

                  KUMAIL
     You were married?

                  EMILY
     I was. I was married. Do you want to
     talk about something else?

                  KUMAIL
     Yeah, cause I don't really have any
     questions other than...when did you get
     married? When did you get divorced?
     What's his name? How tall is he? Did
     you love him? I guess I have a couple
     of questions.

                  EMILY
     Uh huh. His name was, is Ryan. We met in
     college. Everyone I knew was getting
     married super young, so we did. And one
     day I was at a restaurant and I saw
     this couple making out and I thought "I
     don't think about my husband like that,
     but I guess that's okay" and then
     another part of my brain was like "NO
     IT'S NOT OKAY THIS IS YOUR LIFE". I
     feel like this is freaking you out.
     Does this freak you out?

                  KUMAIL
     It's not freaking me out.

                  EMILY
     I don't wanna put pressure on you. And I
     know it's only been a few months.
                  (MORE)
34

                            EMILY (CONT'D)
               But I just wanted to tell you that I am
               completely overwhelmed by you. It's the
               last thing I was expecting.

                            KUMAIL
               This is also the last thing I was
               expecting and I also feel completely
               overwhelmed by you.

                            EMILY
               That's a weird thing to say.

                            KUMAIL
               Why? I just said what you said. Exactly
               what you said.

                            EMILY
               Yeah, but it wasn't weird when I said
               it.   It's okay.



     INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

     Emily watches Kumail sleep.



     INT. TRADER JOE'S - NIGHT

     Kumail and Emily grocery shop.

                            EMILY
               So listen, my parents are coming to
               town this weekend. Maybe you wanna come
               for lunch?

                            KUMAIL
               Oh, we can't because of the two-day rule,
               right? You'll come to Mary's party
               Friday night and then you'll probably
               spend the night. So I won't be able to
               see you until Monday, so...

                            EMILY
               Okay. Well, I would love to meet your
               parents. They live in the city, right?

                            KUMAIL
               Well, they live in the suburbs. You
               know, I don't really see them very
               much.
35


                           EMILY
              Have they asked about me? What do they
              think? Do they want to meet me? My
              parents want to meet you.

                           KUMAIL
              Of course, of course. They're dying to
              meet you.

     Emily stumbles.

                           EMILY
              Ow... oh my god..

                           KUMAIL
              Are you okay? What happened?

                           EMILY
              Totally fine.

                           KUMAIL
              Do you need assistance?

                           EMILY
              I think I just tweaked my ankle. I took
              this stupid hip hop dance class last
              weekend.

                           KUMAIL
              You should get it looked at. Do you want
              ice?

                           EMILY
              Look, I'm walking on it. I'm totally
              fine.

                           KUMAIL
              Can I get you a bag of ice? I can carry
              you? I can carry you the rest of the day?

                           EMILY
              Kumail, seriously, stop.



     INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING

     Emily is eating cereal in bed. Kumail is in the kitchen
     making coffee.

                           KUMAIL
                    (calling out)
              Hey, I liked your friends.     That Craig
              guy or was it Greg?
                           (MORE)
36

                           KUMAIL (CONT'D)
              I can never tell with those names. I'm
              glad I like him cause I don't want to
              have to come up with excuses to avoid
              him, you know. Like, oh no, I have
              kite surfing tonight.

     Emily opens the cigar box and sees the headshots of the
     women. She flips through them.

                           KUMAIL (O.S.) (CONT'D)
              Did you know in the UK it's pronounced
              "Crayg". Which is good because that's
              actually how it's written, right? He's
              a "Crate" guy.

     Kumail enters.

                           KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                    (sees her with the box)
              I was going to tell you about that.

                           EMILY
              Are you like judging Pakistan's Next
              Top Model or something? Seriously, who
              are these women?

                           KUMAIL
              You know how we have arranged marriage
              in my culture? These are those women.

                           EMILY
              These are women in Pakistan who want to
              marry you?

                           KUMAIL
              They're not in Pakistan.

                           EMILY
              You've met these women?

                           KUMAIL
              Just with my parents. We haven't like -

                           EMILY
              You're not serious about this, are you?

                           KUMAIL
              It's my mom's thing, I just go along with
              it.

                           EMILY
              So what does your mom think about you and
              me, then?
37


     Beat.

                            EMILY (CONT'D)
               She doesn't know about me, does she?

                            KUMAIL
               No.

     Emily storms out of the bedroom.



     INT. KUMAIL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

                            EMILY
               Fucking five months   of red flags. Oh my
               god, I'm so stupid.   You ducking my
               parents. Oh my god,   the two day rule!
               Seriously, red flag   after red flag.
               Such a liar!

     Emily storms back into the bedroom.



     INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS

                            EMILY (CONT'D)
               You lie to me. You lie to your parents.
               And those are just the people you like!
               Is there someone that you're not lying
               to? I'd love to meet them, cause then I
               could tell them what a fucking liar you
               are!

                            KUMAIL
               You didn't tell me about your being
               divorced until recently. You were
               hiding fucking something too!

                            EMILY
               My divorce does not mean our future is
               impossible. It actually means the
               direct opposite. I'm not hiding
               anything from you. Okay? I'm an open
               fucking book. You wanna know what's in
               my cigar box? Stickers. Stickers and
               stamps.

                            KUMAIL
               Aren't you a therapist? Aren't you
               supposed to be good at handling these
               types of things.
38


                            EMILY
               Where are my fucking shoes?

                            KUMAIL
               Aren't you supposed to be handling this
               better than you are right now?

                            EMILY
               I'm expressing myself!

     Emily storms back out of the bedroom.



     INT. KUMAIL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

     She grabs her shoes.

                            KUMAIL
               You know what we call "arranged
               marriage" in my culture, Emily?
               Marriage! Okay? We just call it
               marriage. There's another type of
               marriage that's called "love marriage"
               and that's bad. My cousin Rehan married
               an Irish woman and he was kicked out of
               the family! And nobody is allowed to
               talk to him.

                            EMILY
               Why didn't you tell me any of this?

                            KUMAIL
               Because I didn't think you'd fucking
               understand and I was fucking right!

                            EMILY
               You don't think I could fathom your life
               in any fucking way?

                            KUMAIL
               I'm fighting a fourteen hundred year
               old culture! You were ugly in high
               school! There's a big fucking
               difference!
                      (a beat)
               I'm sorry. I can't lose my family.

                            EMILY
               Can you imagine a world where we end up
               together?

                            KUMAIL
               I don't know.
39


                            EMILY
               I have to go. Don't fucking call me.

     Emily leaves.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE- LATER

     Kumail has family dinner with another Pakistani girl.

                            YAZMIN
               Multi-grain, pumpernickel, pita bread,
               hot dog buns, croutons..I can't eat any
               of it.



     INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER

     Sam is on stage.

                            SAM
               I don't want kids. People say, Sam,
               you're gonna love it. You're gonna have a
               kid and he's gonna be your best friend.
               A best friend that pukes on you and shits
               everywhere, and is constantly screaming.
               I already have friends like that. People
               say, Sam...

     Kumail sits with CJ backstage.

                            CJ
               I know you're bummed. Look, Emily's a
               good person, I'm not saying she's not.
               All I'm saying is this is the universe
               telling you: seize your moment. Be a
               little selfish and pursue your career.
               Bob Dalavan's gonna be here on
               Thursday. If you book the Montreal
               Comedy Festival, it would change things
               for you. You don't wanna get stuck in
               Chicago, right? You don't wanna be like
               Sam Highsmith. He's been doing the
               "people say Sam" bit since '03.

     They look at Sam on stage.

                            SAM
               People say, Sam...

                            CJ
               Is that what you want?
40


                               KUMAIL
                  It's amazing. It's the same material.

                               SAM
                  What do people say?

                                 AUDIENCE
                  Sam!

                               SAM
                  People say what?

                                 AUDIENCE
                  Sam!

                               SAM
                  I'm Sam Highsmith. Thank you very much!

     Sam exits the stage.

                               KUMAIL
                  I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell him
                  how I actually feel about it.

     Sam passes.

                               KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                  Great set, dude!

     CJ fistbumps Sam.

                                 SAM
                  Crushing it!

                               KUMAIL
                  Love the new stuff!

     Sam exits.

                               KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                  We should be ashamed of ourselves.

                                 CJ
                  We're weak.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE- NIGHT

     The family is in the living room with, KHADIJA, another
     Pakistani girl.
41


                            KHADIJA
               I wouldn't really call it an obsession
               but... I'm pretty good at magic.

                            SHARMEEN
               Can you make his belly disappear?

                            AZMAT
               No, I'm too happy with my belly.

                            KHADIJA
               Does anyone have a dollar?

                            AZMAT
               I will give you something.

     Azmat hands her a bill.

                            KHADIJA
               20? Big spender. Andrew Jackson? Don't
               you think he'd look cool with sunglasses?

     She draws a pair of sunglasses on top of Andrew
     Jackson's head, and folds the bill.

                            KHADIJA (CONT'D)
               We sprinkle the magic dust on.

     Khadija makes a sprinkling motion with her fingers over
     the folded up bill.

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah, you can't do it without the magic
               dust.

                            KHADIJA
               Yeah, I need it. All right...

     She snaps her fingers.

                            KHADIJA (CONT'D)
               Ok. Watching carefully -

     Khadija unfolds the bill. Andrew Jackson is now wearing
     the sunglasses.

                            FATIMA
               That is amazing! And he does look
               better with glasses!

                            KUMAIL
               How did you do that?
42


                            KHADIJA
               Oh no, a magician never reveals her
               tricks. Here's your twenty back, Mr.
               Nanjiani.

                            AZMAT
               Do you think I could use this twenty
               dollar bill to buy something?

                            KHADIJA
               It looks better now, right?

     Kumail shares a look with Sharmeen.



     INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT INT.

     Kumail puts Khadija's headshot in the cigar box.



     INT. TRIPLE DOOR - SATURDAY NIGHT

     Kumail does stand-up.

                            KUMAIL
               I was watching this monster movie with my
               friend and he turned to me and was like,
               "what would you do in that situation?"
               I'm never going to be one of the last
               guys alive. I'm going to be the first guy
               to die. I die so the other characters get
               to find out something weird is going on.
               I go off alone to find the cat.

     Kumail sees Bob Dalavan at a table with CJ. Dalavan
     listens to Kumail's set and seems into it.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               I never even find out that there were
               monsters. To me, the plot of the movie
               was "we're at a research facility and the
               cat's missing." The end.



     INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER THAT NIGHT

     Kumail talks to a DENISE, writes her name on a napkin in
     URDU. Chris and Mary are nearby.

                            KUMAIL
               Denise. This is your name in Urdu.
43


                               DENISE
                  Wow, that is so cool.

     Bob Dalavan approaches.

                               BOB DALAVAN
                  Kumail? Hey, Bob Dalavan.

                               KUMAIL
                  Yeah, I know you.

                               BOB DALAVAN
                  You had some very interesting premises in
                  your set tonight.

                                KUMAIL
                  Thanks.

                               BOB DALAVAN
                  I just wanted you to know that you made
                  the finals for the Montreal Showcase.

                               KUMAIL
                  Oh my god. Thank you.

                               BOB DALAVAN
                  You too, Mary. Congrats.

                                MARY
                  Oh, ok!

                               BOB DALAVAN
                  So we'll see you guys up there. We'll
                  be in touch.

                               CHRIS
                  What about C-Dog?

                                BOB DALAVAN
                  Who's that?

                               CHRIS
                  Um, me. What about me?

                               DALAVAN
                  You know, funny stuff, okay?

     Bob exits.

                               DENISE
                        (to Kumail)
                  Do you wanna go somewhere?
44


                            KUMAIL
               Yeah, let's go somewhere.



     INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

     Kumail asleep in his bed, DENISE is asleep next to him.
     C.U. CELLPHONE ringing. "UNKNOWN CALLER" blinks on the
     screen. KUMAIL stirs awake.

                               KUMAIL
               Hello?

                            JESSIE
               Kumail. It's Jessie.

                               KUMAIL
               Hey.     Who?

                            JESSIE
               Jessie. I'm in school with Emily.
               Listen, Emily is in the hospital.

                               KUMAIL
               What?

     Kumail jolts out of bed.

                            JESSIE (V.O.)
               Could you just go, please? She needs
               someone there. We have exams tomorrow
               so nobody else can go.

     Kumail fumbles to get dressed, as we CUT TO...



     INT/EXT. KUMAIL'S CAR - LATER

     Kumail drives in the middle of the night, empty streets.

                            JESSIE (V.O.)
               She's still in the ER. Could you just go
               and sit with her? I was there for as long
               as I could, but it's a crazy time for all
               of us...



     EXT. CITY VIEW     HOSPITAL - LATER

     A MASSIVE HOSPITAL looms over a quiet residential area.
45


     INT. CITY VIEW HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

     Kumail walks up to the reception desk.

                           KUMAIL
              Hi. I am looking for Emily Gardner. Um,
              Emily Gardner? She was checked in...

     A MAN is rolled in a stretcher by EMTs.   The nurses run
     off.



     INT. HOSPITAL - MOMENTS LATER

     Kumail walks by curtained beds hearing screams, wailing,
     moaning. He finally sees Emily in a bed, hooked up to
     wires and monitors. She looks scared, a bit sedated.

                           KUMAIL
              Hey.

                           EMILY
              What are you doing here?

                           KUMAIL
              Jessie called me and wanted me to make
              sure you were okay. So how are you
              doing?

                           EMILY
              Fine. Totally fine. Never been better.
              A thousand percent fine. Just like
              fainted a little at work. I didn't have
              breakfast this morning.

                           KUMAIL
              Breakfast is the most important meal of
              the day. You know that.

                           NURSE BETTE
              Ms. Gardner. Your room will be ready
              soon. Okay?

                           EMILY
              Oh, no, actually I'd love to go home
              and sleep in my own bed.

                           NURSE BETTE
              Sir, can you step outside a moment,
              please? If you want to stay you have to
              go to the security desk to get a pass.
46


                           KUMAIL
              Where is the security desk?

                           NURSE BETTE
              It's downstairs. Exactly where you walked
              in. At the security desk.

                           KUMAIL
              The security desk is at the security
              desk. Got it.



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM   - LATER

     Emily is propped up. Kumail next to her. He has a badge.

                           KUMAIL
              Can I get you something? Water. Juice.
              Coffee?

     Emily is essentially passed out. Kumail isn't sure what
     to do. NURSE JUDY brings in a doctor. DR. WRIGHT, 30s,
     looks over at Kumail.

                           DR. WRIGHT
              May I speak with you for a second?

                           KUMAIL
                     (to Emily)
              I'll be right back.



     INT. ICU ROOM HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS

     Kumail follows Dr. Wright out to a busy hallway.

                           DR. WRIGHT
              There is a massive infection in her
              lungs. All her vitals are elevated.
              Does she have HIV?

                           KUMAIL
              What? No. I mean she--

                           DR. WRIGHT
              Are you her husband?

                             KUMAIL
              No--
47


                            DR. WRIGHT
               We need to intubate her immediately. I
               need a family member to sign this. So
               I'm going to ask you again. Are you her
               husband?

                            KUMAIL
               What does "intubate" mean?

                            DR. WRIGHT
               We have to put her on a respirator and
               to do that we need to put her in a
               medically induced coma.

                               KUMAIL
               Coma.

                            DR. WRIGHT
               Yes, to stabilize her so we can work on
               the infection. And it needs to happen
               right now. So, I'm going to ask you one
               last time, are you her husband?

     Kumail signs the forms.



     INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

     Dr. Wright and Orderlies rush Emily down the hallway on
     a GURNEY. Kumail runs with them. Trying to keep up.

                            EMILY
               What's going on?! Where are you taking
               me?

     Emily disappears into an OR. Kumail watches DOCTORS and
     NURSES descend on her. Nurse Judy puts her hand on his
     arm.

                            NURSE JUDY
               You should call her family.



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM

     Kumail, freaked out, stares at Emily, hooked up to
     various wires on her arms and chest. He sees her purse
     and digs out her iPhone. It's locked. He looks over at
     Emily.

                               KUMAIL
               I'm sorry.
48


     He puts her finger on the phone. It unlocks.



     INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

     Kumail scrolls down to PARENTS on Emily's phone and
     dials. A WOMAN'S VOICE picks up, "Hello?"...

                            KUMAIL
               Hey, Mrs. Gardner? This is Kumail,
               Emily's friend. I'm so sorry to be
               calling you so late. Emily's fine.
               Just want to get that taken care of.
               She's fine. She is at City View
               Hospital in Chicago in a medically
               induced coma. But the doctors say that-
               - Yes I did say coma.



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - LATER

     Kumail sits in a chair looking at Emily who is hooked up
     to a breathing machine.

     He dozes off.



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM- NEXT MORNING

     Kumail sleeps. He wakes up to a COUPLE sitting by
     Emily's bed. TERRY, 50's, rumpled, BETH, 50's, put-
     together.

                            KUMAIL
               Hey. I'm Kumail.

                            BETH
               We know who you are Kumail.

     They're clearly tired, terrified. Nurse Judy enters.

                            NURSE JUDY
               Mr. and Mrs. Gardner. The doctors would
               like to see you now.

                            BETH
                      (whispers, to Emily)
               Be right back.

     They leave. Kumail awkwardly follows them.
49


     INT. BEREAVEMENT ROOM- MOMENTS LATER (SUNDAY MORNING)

     Kumail, Terry, Beth sit. A waterfall coos. Meditations
     on the wall: "Darkest Nights Produce The Brightest
     Stars"; "Grief is love's unwillingness to let go", etc.

                               NURSE JUDY
                  Listen, the doctor will be here any
                  minute. She's just running a little
                  late. Don't read anything into this
                  being in the bereavement room. It was
                  the only room we had available.

                               TERRY
                  Okay. Thank you.

     She exits.    Terry nervously taps on his knees, annoying
     Beth.

                               BETH
                  Terry, Terry-- it's driving me insane.

                               TERRY
                  I know, I know. But it makes me feel
                  better.

     The doctor walks in.

                              DR. CUNNINGHAM
                  Hello.

     Beth and Terry stand to greet her.

                               DR. CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
                  Please sit. I'm Dr. Cunningham, Emily's
                  attending. I'll be coordinating all the
                  doctors and orchestrating her treatment
                  strategy.

                               BETH
                  "All the doctors"? How many are there?

                              DR. CUNNINGHAM
                  Five.

                               BETH
                  Five? Why so many? Is that normal?

                               Dr. CUNNINGHAM
                  Yes, it's standard with patients in the
                  ICU. We come at it from different
                  angles--
50


     When we cut back it is a different person now. DR.
     LEWIN. Terry, Kumail and Beth stay but the doctors
     change.

                            DR. LEWIN
               We immediately initiated orotracheal
               intubation. Thankfully it hasn't affected
               her heart at this point.

                                                         CUT TO:

                            DR. WHELAN
               We don't know the exact nature of the
               infection yet, but we've got her on a
               broad spectrum of antibiotics.

                                                         CUT TO:

                            DR. PLATT
               ...critical infections centering around
               the costodiaphragmatic--

                                                         CUT TO:

                            DR. SPELLMAN
               Our theory is methicillin-resistant
               staphylococcus aureus.

                            TERRY
                     (taking NOTES)
               Hold on. Is staphylococcus with an "f"
               or a "ph"?

                            DR. SPELLMAN
               Ph.

     MONTAGE of doctors babbling unintelligibly as Beth and
     Terry visibly panic.



     INT. WAITING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER

     Terry, Beth, and Kumail sit, surrounded by: KIDS WITH
     COLORING BOOKS, ADULTS WITH MAGAZINES, various CHARGERS
     plugged into the wall. These are the PEOPLE WHO WAIT.

                            KUMAIL
               That was very reassuring, wasn't it?
               Apparently, there are good and bad
               comas. And the kind that they put her
               in, the medically induced ones, are
               definitely the good kind of coma.
                            (MORE)
51

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Like you know how there are good and
               bad carbs. Gremlins, those can be good
               or bad.

                            TERRY
               Listen, Kumail... We're gonna handle
               things from here. You've been very
               helpful. Thank you. For signing the
               thing-

                             KUMAIL
               My pleasure

                            TERRY
               But you can go now.

                            KUMAIL
               Oh... okay... all right. Peace in the
               Mideast.

     He picks up his backpack and exits.



     INT. TRIPLE DOOR - BACKSTAGE - THAT NIGHT

     Kumail, Mary, Chris, CJ, & Sam sit with notebooks open.

                            CHRIS
               What about this? I saw a sniffer dog at
               the airport get a boner. Does that mean
               drugs or bombs?

                            CJ
               That's good. What if instead of it being
               at the airport, you quit comedy and never
               did comedy ever again?

                            CHRIS
               Fuck you. It's a good bit.

                            CJ
               Just for the sake of the public. So they
               wouldn't have to look at your face or
               hear your words.

     Kumail interjects.

                            KUMAIL
               It's okay that I'm not there, right?
               Like, I don't need to be there, right?

                            SAM
               What happened?
52


                            CHRIS
               He put his girlfriend in a coma. You
               know, the way you do.

                            MARY
               He signed a paper that allowed doctors to
               put her--

                            CJ
               He suggested it.

                            KUMAIL
               She's gonna be fine. She's gonna be fine.
               They said she's gonna be fine. Doctors
               know medical stuff. That's what doctors
               do. They're good at medical stuff. This
               is a medically induced coma. This is
               their specialty.

                            MARY
               Maybe.

                            CHRIS
               It might be a good thing. She might wake
               up with a new skill. Like my cousin
               blacked out once and when he came to, he
               thought he knew a different language.

                            CJ
               Did he?

                            CHRIS
               No, it was just gibberish that he made
               up. It was brain damage.

     CJ and Mary shake their heads. Kumail looks freaked out.

                            SAM
               I got another Taco Bell one...



     INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM- MONDAY MORNING

     Terry and Beth wait. Beth is sewing a shirt of Emily's.
     Terry is pacing. Kumail walks up to them.

                            BETH
               Did you forget something?

                            KUMAIL
               Is she up yet?
53


                            TERRY
               No, she's not. They won't tell us
               anything. We've been here all morning.

                            KUMAIL
               I know you guys said you don't need me
               to stay, but I think I'm just going to
               wait anyway.

                            BETH
               You guys broke up. I'm not sure why
               you're here. You don't have to worry
               about being committed to anything,
               Kumail. You didn't want to when she was
               awake. There's no need to do it when
               she's unconscious.

                            KUMAIL
               It's more complicated than that--

                            BETH
               Is it? Because I know about the two-day
               rule, I know about the headshots and the
               secrets. She tells us everything.
                      (beat, then)
               You really don't have to stay Kumail. You
               have already done a lot.

     Kumail is speechless. After a beat of awkward quiet--

                            KUMAIL
               I'm just gonna stay for a second. Is this
               seat- ?

     Kumail gestures to the empty seat next to Beth, but she
     throws her sewing on it and turns away.

     Kumail walks to another row of seats and sits down,
     facing Emily's parents. Beth watches him intensely for a
     few beats before Kumail turns to the woman sitting next
     to him.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Is that lady still looking at me?



     INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA- LATER

     Kumail carries his tray, spots Terry and Beth together
     having a hushed conversation. He sits at a different
     table. Terry waves at him. Kumail heads over to them.
54


                            TERRY
               No reason you should eat there by
               yourself. Right, hon?

                            BETH
                     (barely looks up)
               It's a free country.

     Kumail nods. Sits down. They eat. It's awkward.

                            KUMAIL
               How's your sandwich?

                            BETH
               Best fuckin' sandwich I've ever had.

                            TERRY
               Mine's good. Tuna's always a gamble.
               You know, we're not by the water. Well,
               we are by the water, but it's a lake.
               There's no tuna in the lake. Whatever.
               I threw the dice. I got the 7's, I
               guess. Whatever the good dice number
               is.

     More silence.

                            TERRY (CONT'D)
               So, uh, 9/11?

     Blank looks from Kumail and Beth.

                            TERRY (CONT'D)
               No, I mean, I've always wanted to have a
               conversation about it with...people.

                            KUMAIL
               You've never talked to people about 9/11?

                            TERRY
               No, uh, what's your stance?

                            KUMAIL
               What's my stance on 9/11? Oh, ummmm...
               Anti. It was a tragedy.
                     (a beat)
               I mean we lost 19 of our best guys.

                            BETH
               Huh?
55


                           KUMAIL
              That was a joke, obviously. 9/11 was a
              terrible tragedy, and it's not funny to
              joke about it.

     Beth and Terry are PAGED on the intercom. They quickly
     gather up their things and get up to leave.

                           KUMAIL (CONT'D)
              Hey, can I come?


               TERRY                            BETH
     Yeah.                         No.



     Terry gestures for Kumail to get up and follow them.

                           BETH
              Whatever.



     INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE- MOMENTS LATER

     Kumail, Beth, Terry, and Dr. Cunningham.

                           DR. CUNNINGHAM
              I know this isn't the news you were
              hoping for but we aren't ready to bring
              Emily out of the coma yet.

                           BETH
              Oh. I-

                           TERRY
              What happened?

                           DR. CUNNINGHAM
              The antibiotics aren't doing exactly
              what we'd hoped they would, and we
              don't want to mess around. So we're
              going to perform surgery tomorrow
              morning to remove the infection.

                           BETH
              Wait a second- Dr. Spellman told us
              that the antibiotics would work. He
              didn't say anything at all about
              surgery.
56


                            TERRY
               What does that mean? What kind of
               surgery?

                            DR. CUNNINGHAM
               It's called thoracentesis, it's a very
               common procedure. We're going to go in
               between the ribs and remove the
               infection.

                            TERRY
                     (scribbling in his notebook)
               How do you spell that please? Thora- ?
               What's the last part?

                              DR. CUNNINGHAM
               -Centesis.

                            BETH
               And where is the infection?

                              DR. CUNNINGHAM
               On the lung.

                            BETH
               What's the risk?

                            DR. CUNNINGHAM
               Low. My advice to you is that you go
               home, you get something to eat, and try
               to relax.



     INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - NIGHT

     Kumail drives Beth and Terry. Everyone looks dazed.



     EXT. EMILY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

     Kumail helps Beth and Terry carry their luggage upstairs.



     INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT- CONTINUOUS

     They enter. Beth and Terry begin looking around.

                            TERRY
               She left the lights on, eh?
57


                            BETH
               My favorite sweater.

     Terry looks at Emily's bookshelf and pulls out a BOOK.
     Beth puts the sweater on and takes her laptop out, sits
     on the couch.

                            BETH (CONT'D)
               I'm gonna do some research.

                            TERRY
               Oh hey, that's the book I gave her.

                            BETH
               No, I gave her that one. Hey, do you
               have that little notebook from the
               doctors?

     Terry hands her the notebook.

                            TERRY
               No, this is the book I gave her.

                            KUMAIL
               I'm just gonna clean up Emily's rooms
               real quick.

                            BETH
               I remember. I met her at the falafel
               place and then we went to that book store
               that's hardly ever open and I bought it
               for her.

                            TERRY
               You're not the only one who gives her
               things.

                            BETH
               What's up with you?

                            TERRY
               I'm just tired of you thinking that
               you're the only one who gives her things.
               I gave her that book.

                            BETH
               Look at the inscription.

                            TERRY
               No. That's stupid.

     Beth shrugs and goes back to the computer. Terry looks at
     the inscription, frowns, puts it back.
58


     INT. EMILY'S BEDROOM- SAME

     Kumail leaves the door open a crack. He sees in the
     LIVING ROOM Terry and Beth are whisper-quarrelling.

     He begins to clean. Pulls a MARIJUANA PIPE and BAG OF
     WEED off the dresser and shoves it into the back of her
     closet.

     He notices the BRAINS SHIRT in the closet. He touches
     it. We see a flashback of Emily wearing the sweatshirt.

     He opens a cigar box on her dresser and pulls out
     POLAROID pictures. They're of him and Emily. More
     flashbacks of Emily.

                            TERRY (O.S.)
               Kumail.

     Kumail, a bit startled, turns.

                            KUMAIL
               Hey.

                            TERRY
               Sorry... Didn't mean to surprise you. I
               was just wondering if we wanna do
               anything. Got any parlor games...

                            KUMAIL
               I don't-what are parlor games?

                            TERRY
               Card games, word games. You play any word
               games?

                            KUMAIL
               No, I've never played-

                            TERRY
               You ever played You Can't Rhyme It?

                            KUMAIL
               How does that go?

                            TERRY
               It's basically where you try to find a
               word, a real word, that nobody can rhyme.

                            KUMAIL
               Ok, Stonehenge.
59


                            TERRY
               Yeah, see you would win. That'd be a
               winner.

                            KUMAIL
               I don't play board games. I play video
               games.

                            TERRY
               That's the thing. Everybody now needs
               Nintendo, the game thing, electronics, a
               thousand dollars. When I was a kid, a
               piece of chalk and a pavement, that's
               your entertainment. Hopscotch, tic tac
               toe, throw the chalk at Jimmy. There you
               go, three games right there.

                            KUMAIL
               Jimmy was a real guy?

                            TERRY
               Yeah, well there was no particular Jimmy,
               whoever got hit with the chalk, he was
               the Jimmy.

     Kumail gets a call from Naveed on his phone. He ignores
     it.

                            TERRY (CONT'D)
               I'm just trying to figure out what to do.

     Kumail and Terry walk into the living room.



     INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

     Kumail and Terry walk back in. Beth is on her laptop.

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah, tonight's no good for me. I'd
               love to, but I'm actually gigging
               tonight, which is like an industry word
               we use for when we do shows.

                            TERRY
               Really?

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah, there's a big Montreal Comedy
               festival audition coming up, and I'm
               actually headlining tonight.
60


                  TERRY
     Oh. That's cool. I haven't been to
     comedy show since the 80's - Rita
     Rudner at Caroline's. Remember that,
     hon?

                  BETH
     Christ. Pleural effusion and empyema, --

                  TERRY
           (nervous)
     Maybe we should go to Kumail's show.
     What do you think? Wouldn't that be
     fun?

                  BETH
     Oh my god. These pictures are horrible.

                  TERRY
     Okay listen, why don't we go to the
     comedy club with him? It'll take our
     mind off of things right now.

                  BETH
     I don't want to get my mind off it,
     Terry. Our daughter's having surgery
     tomorrow.

                  TERRY
     Please. I need the distraction.

                  BETH
     Well then why don't you go?

                  TERRY
     No, I want you to come with me. I don't
     wanna be alone.

                  BETH
     All right. But I'm bringing my iPad.

                  KUMAIL
     Ah it's sold out. I should've said it
     before you guys had the whole
     discussion. It sold out super quickly.
     They were shocked at how quickly it
     sold out.

                  TERRY
     But you can get us in? You're the
     headliner, right? That's what you said.
     I mean, if you're the headliner, you
     can get two more in, right?
61


     Kumail looks pained.

                            KUMAIL
               That's a good point.

                            TERRY
               We'll sit in the back. They got food
               there?

                            KUMAIL
               They've got waffle fries and um-

     Kumail turns and begins to head out the door.

                            TERRY
               The hospital had waffle fries too.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE- SAME

     Kumail's family sits with a young Pakistani woman
     SUMERA. There's an empty chair where KUMAIL usually
     sits.

                            SUMERA
               I've actually never been to   Pakistan. My
               parents moved here for grad   school and
               they just stayed here. I've   never even
               been to Canada. So uh, when   is Kumail
               coming?

                            SHARMEEN
               He's coming. Right, Naveed? Traffic?

                            NAVEED
               I heard everything's bumper-to-bumper
               on the Dan Ryan Expressway.

                            SUMERA
               That's weird because I took the Dan
               Ryan Expressway here.



     INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER

     Chris is on stage performing.

                            CHRIS
               What is your dad's sister's favorite kind
               of music to dance to?

     Kumail and Mary chat off to the side of the stage.
62


                           KUMAIL
              Emily's parents are here.

                           CHRIS (O.S.)
              Auntz, auntz, auntz.

                           MARY
              Tonight? Why?

                           CHRIS
              Is anybody here from out of town?

     Terry claps. Beth barely pays attention. Chris focuses
     on Terry.

                           CHRIS (CONT'D)
              A few, a few. What's your name, sir?

                           TERRY
              Terry.

                           CHRIS
              Terry. And who's this lady next to you?
              Is it Cloth? A little Terry Cloth?

                           BETH
              It's Beth.

     Backstage Kumail peers through the curtain, cringing.

                           CHRIS
              Beth. Pretty close. Terry-Beth, where
              are you guys from?

                           TERRY
              We're from North Carolina.

                           CHRIS
              Ooh North Carolina. The Tar Heel State!
              Home of Krispy Kreme donuts! And what
              brings you to Chicago?

                           BETH
              Our daughter's in a coma.

     Chris tries to absorb that. He turns to another person
     in the crowd.

                           CHRIS
              Where are you from?
63


     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE- SAME

                            SUMERA
               It's getting late, I should go.

     She moves to get up, but Sharmeen and Azmat stop her.

                            AZMAT
               No, I think I should call him up, I'll
               just call him up.
                      (into phone)
               Hello, Kumi-beta? What do you mean, who
               is calling? This is your father. Ok, ok.
                      (he hangs up the phone)
               He will be here any moment.
                      (to Naveed in Urdu)
               I just faked that call. Did you call
               him?

                            NAVEED
                     (in Urdu)
               A hundred times. No response.

                            SUMERA
               I think I should make something clear.
                      (in Urdu)
               I can understand what you're saying.

                            FATIMA
                      (in Urdu)
               I thought you said you'd never been to
               Pakistan.

                            SUMERA
                      (in Urdu)
               I said I'd never been there but we speak
               it at home.

                            AZMAT
                      (in Urdu)
               For someone who's never been to Pakistan
               you speak Urdu very well.

                            SUMERA
                      (in Urdu)
               Thanks.

                            AZMAT
               Do you want to sing?

     Azmat leads the group in song while Sumera reluctantly
     claps alongside them.
64


     INT. TRIPLE DOOR- LATER

     Kumail on stage performing.

                            KUMAIL
               I want to name my kid Void so he won't be
               able to cash any of his paychecks.

     Beth and Terry watch from the audience, laughing.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               I'm sorry, sir, this says Void on it. But
               that's my name. Curse you, father!
                      (gesturing upwards)
               I work on the second floor of the bank in
               this fantasy scenario.

                            HECKLER
               Go back to ISIS!

     A hush over the crowd. Kumail not sure how to respond.

                            KUMAIL
               Toast is a really strange food.

                            BETH
                     (to heckler)
               What did you just say?

                            HECKLER
               I said, he should go back to ISIS.

                            KUMAIL
               Toast is the only food that-

                            BETH
               Well that's a really confusing
               position. Do you want ISIS to have more
               people?

                            HECKLER
               No I was saying that to him because...

                            BETH
               Guess what everybody? We've got an ISIS
               recruiter here.

     The crowd laughs.

                            KUMAIL
               Glad we got to the bottom of that.
               Toast is like a-
65


                            BETH
               What is it about him that made you say
               that?

                            KUMAIL
               I think we know what the answer is.

                            HECKLER
               Lady I wasn't talking to you.

                            BETH
               What is it about him?

                            KUMAIL
               We don't have to go down this path. We
               know what's at the end of it.

                            HECKLER
               Cuz of how he looks.

                              KUMAIL
               There it is.

                            BETH
               That is like saying that all frat boys
               wearing country club hats and Hawaiian
               shirts have shriveled up, tiny little
               dicks!


     The crowd reacts.

                            KUMAIL
               Actually, Beth, this is a bad way for
               you to find out, but he's right. I
               actually am a terrorist. I just do
               stand-up comedy on the side to keep a
               low profile.

                              HECKLER
               Fuck you.

                            KUMAIL
               First of all, very clever. Did you write
               that at home? Toast is-

                              BETH
               Fuck you!

                              HECKLER
               Fuck you.

                              BETH
               No fuck you!
66


                            HECKLER
               You're a bitch, you know that?

     Beth jumps out of her seat and rushes towards the
     Heckler. A man restrains her while she claws at him.

                            BETH
                     (being dragged out by
                       security)
               I'm gonna fucking kill you! What's your
               fucking phone number?!

     Terry heads out after Beth.

                            TERRY
               I'm sorry everybody. I'm sorry.

     He stops in front of the Heckler.

                            TERRY (CONT'D)
               I'm not sorry actually cause you're a
               terrible person... I don't want to kick
               your ass here in front of everybody.
               Yeah, that's right. I've got levels,
               motherfucker. This elevator goes all
               the way fucking down, you fucking
               prick!



     INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - LATER

     Kumail drives with Beth in the passenger seat and Terry
     in the back.



     INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT- CONTINUOUS

     Beth, Terry, and Kumail enter, all a bit shell-shocked.

                            BETH
               I think I'll make tea.
                     (reconsiders)
               Actually I'll open a bottle of wine.
                     (re-reconsiders)
               Does Emily have whiskey?

                            KUMAIL
               On top of the fridge.

                            TERRY
               So uh, Cubs doing good, huh?
67


                           KUMAIL
              I don't know anything about baseball.

     She starts to pour. They all just sit there.

                           BETH
              I am so sorry about that. That was... I
              just sort of lost control.

                           TERRY
              I thought it was sexy.

                           KUMAIL
              Me too. Not like sexy, but like cool
              sexy. Not like aroused sexy. I'm gonna
              not say sexy anymore.

                           BETH
              Hey, you guys wanna get something to eat?



     INT. EMILY'S KITCHEN COUNTER - LATER

     Kumail, Terry and Beth are eating pizza.

                           BETH
              So is it always like that?

                           KUMAIL
              Oh like tonight? No, usually a
              different mom comes in to help me. I'm
              joking. No, it's not always like that.
              I'd quit if it was.

                           TERRY
              Here's a joke.

                           BETH
              No, Terry, don't. Terry's about as
              funny as a fart at a funeral.

                           TERRY
              This is funny, this is a funny one. A
              giraffe walks into a bar and he says to
              the bartender, "Highballs on me." You
              get it, right?

                           KUMAIL
              Oh that was the end of the joke?

                           TERRY
              Yes.
68


                            KUMAIL
               That was the whole joke?

                            TERRY
               That's the joke. That's the beauty of it,
               boom.

                            KUMAIL
               I thought there was more.

                            TERRY
               He's a giraffe, he's tall, so it would
               stand to reason his testicles are high
               and a highball is a type of drink, and
               you ruined it by saying I wasn't funny
               first.

     He gives up and eats. Kumail chuckles.

                            KUMAIL
               No, it's good. I like my jokes thoroughly
               explained.

                            TERRY
               You're just busting my high balls.

     Kumail laughs.



     INT. EMILY'S KITCHEN TABLE - LATER

     Terry swills WINE and swishes some in his mouth.

                            TERRY
               Complex finish. Flamboyant mouth-feel.
               Good. How about you?

                            KUMAIL
               Hmm, fruit-forward.

                            TERRY
               Good term. Absolutely fruit-forward.

                            KUMAIL
               This one is in the front seat. It's
               driving the wine car.

                           TERRY
               Exactly.

                            BETH
               I like wine cause of the buzz.
69


                            TERRY
               She's a bit of a lightweight.

                            BETH
               So is Terry! He'll be passed out on the
               sofa in less than an hour!

                            TERRY
               Ah that's nonsense. You know that's not
               true.



     INT. EMILY'S LIVING ROOM- LATER

     Terry, passed out on the sofa snoring. Kumail & Beth
     sit.

                            BETH
               You weren't supposed to be on the show
               tonight, were you?

                            KUMAIL
               Oh? Me on the show tonight? Yeah, yeah
               I was. I was the headliner.

     Beth stares him down.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Okay. I lied about the show to get out
               of hanging out with you guys. And then
               I lied about headlining to impress you
               guys.

                            BETH
               Well that didn't work.

                            KUMAIL
               Also, I think I screwed up with your
               daughter.

                            BETH
               Yeah, you did.
                     (then)
               I don't know how people do it when
               their family's sick. My Uncle Lew, he
               got cancer, then he had a stroke, then
               a heart attack, then he had a
               recurrence of the cancer. But you know
               what killed him?

                             KUMAIL
               Cancer?
70


                            BETH
               Car accident. We think maybe it was a
               heart attack while he was driving. And
               he did still have cancer too. And you
               know what? He ate sprouts his whole
               fucking life. Hadn't had a yolk in 30
               years. I don't know how I'm going to
               sleep tonight.

                            KUMAIL
               You wanna stress eat?

                            BETH
               Fuck yeah.



     INT. EMILY'S KITCHEN TABLE- LATER

     Beth shows Kumail GOTH PHOTOS of EMILY in Emily's high
     school yearbook and on her laptop, amidst take out
     containers, desserts, chicken strips, whipped cream.

                            KUMAIL
               Oh my god.

                            BETH
               Most noticeable. Oh no, hold on,
               there's more.

     Beth scrolls through photos of Emily in GOTH ATTIRE,
     SWORDS, BLACK ROSES. She comes to photos of Emily in a
     cemetery.

                            BETH (CONT'D)
               The legendary cemetery photo shoot.

                            KUMAIL
               Oh my god.

                            BETH
               I laughed so hard when I saw these. She
               got so mad at me.

     Kumail laughs. Terry stirs.

                            KUMAIL
               You're gonna wake him up.

                            BETH
               Are you kidding me? He can sleep through
               anything. Hey Terry!

     She claps and Terry shifts, but doesn't wake up.
71


                            KUMAIL
               How did you and Terry meet?

                            BETH
               I was going to East Carolina University
               and I was waiting tables. We met at
               this coffee shop, I was waiting on him.
               I liked his hair. He was a teacher
               already. Thick New York accent like
               nobody I'd ever met. Totally wrong for
               me. So naturally we fell-in-love. My
               family could not stand him. We're all
               military people, army pilots. All my
               brothers played football. Terry
               couldn't even change a tire. My father
               got so mad he broke every dinner plate
               we had. Now back then, you go to the
               gas station, you fill up your tank, you
               get a dinner plate. But just one at a
               time. Cup, saucer. It took us a year of
               fill-ups to get the whole set back. And
               Terry just stuck around. Eventually
               they just all got over it.

                            KUMAIL
               They just got over it. How?

                            BETH
               Lots of fucked up dinners. How'd your
               parents meet, Kumail?

                            KUMAIL
               So we have arranged marriage as you
               know. A big group got together to see a
               movie, but really it was just a set up
               so my mom and dad could meet.

                            BETH
               What movie did they see?

                            KUMAIL
               I have no idea. I never asked.

     They look back at the GOTH PHOTOS of Emily.

                            BETH
               She's great, you know?

                            KUMAIL
               I know.

                            BETH
               I feel good about this surgery.
72


                            KUMAIL
               Yeah. These doctors know what they're
               doing.

                            BETH
               No they don't. They're just winging it
               like everybody else.



     INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - NIGHT

     Kumail gets into his car and checks his phone. Seventeen
     missed calls from his mom and ten voicemails.

                              KUMAIL
               Fuck.

     Then he notices an old voicemail from Emily. He hits
     play on the message.

                            EMILY'S VOICE
               Hey it's me. So I tried making some
               Pakistani food to surprise you. And
               either I'm a bad cook or all Pakistani
               food is terrible. I don't know yet. Bye!

     He hasn't heard her voice in a while. He listens to
     another old voicemail.

                            EMILY'S VOICE
               Hey it's me. If you just wanna come over
               and like kiss me for two seconds, I'd
               really love that tonight. Ok. Bye!

     He listens to another.

                            EMILY'S VOICE (CONT'D)
               Hey it's me. So did you want to meet at
               the gallery, or - Oh my god! Oh my god, a
               bird just hit me in the head. Oh my god
               I'm not kidding. I'll call you right
               back. Oh my god, is it okay?



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM

     Emily lies unconscious in her hospital bed.
73


     INT. BEREAVEMENT ROOM - DAY

     Dr. Spellman sits with Kumail, Terry and Beth.

                            DR. SPELLMAN
               The infection around the lungs was
               removed. We should be able to pull her
               out soon.

                           TERRY
               Oh boy.

                           BETH
               How soon?

                            DR. SPELLMAN
               She should be up by tomorrow morning at
               the latest. We'll also test the pleural
               fluid from the thoracentesis so we can
               create a more targeted antibiotic
               strategy.

                            BETH
               So this is good news?

                            DR. SPELLMAN
               It's very good news. We'll just hold
               onto her for a few more days and then
               you can have her back.

                            TERRY
               She's a fighter, right?

                           DR. SPELLMAN
               Yes.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS DINING ROOM - NIGHT

     Kumail eating with his family.

                            SHARMEEN
               I was so worried. We saw on the news
               that a train derailed and we thought
               that you were on the train and you had
               died.

                            KUMAIL
               Nobody died on that train, Ma.

                            SHARMEEN
               But did they look under the train?
74


                               AZMAT
                  So, where were you last night? What were
                  you doing?

                               KUMAIL
                  Nothing. I wasn't doing anything.

                              SHARMEEN
                  Kumail.

                               KUMAIL
                  Alright, I'll tell you. I was...
                  studying for the LSAT.

                              SHARMEEN
                  Really?

                               KUMAIL
                  Yup. I signed up. And if I pass, I'm
                  gonna go to law school, become a
                  lawyer, and do law.

     The doorbell rings. Sharmeen gets up.

                               SHARMEEN
                  Oh, let me see who that could be.

     She exits.

                               KUMAIL
                  Really, Dad? You said that nobody was
                  gonna come. That it was gonna be just
                  us.

                               NAVEED
                  Hey Kumi, do you know this guy? People
                  say Sam. People say Sam. Do you know him?

                               KUMAIL
                  Yeah, I know.

                               FATIMA
                  He should be on Saturday Night Live.

                              NAVEED
                  SNL.

     Sharmeen returns with Khadija.

                               SHARMEEN
                  Everybody remember Khadija? She just
                  dropped in. She was just in the
                  neighborhood.
75


     Khadija waves awkwardly, and her parents, FARHAN and
     TINA appear.

                            SHARMEEN (CONT'D)
               And these are her parents, Farhan and
               Tina. They also just dropped in.



     INT. KUMAIL'S PARENT'S HOUSE - LATER

     Tina holds forth in Urdu. The grown-ups laugh. Khadija
     tries to lock eyes with Kumail.



     EXT. KHADIJA'S HOUSE - LATER

     Kumail walks Khadija to her door.

                            KHADIJA
               I've just been through so many of these
               appointments and I never have anything in
               common with the guys. You know when girls
               at work complain about dating, I just
               want to body slam them. They have no
               idea. I don't know. My mom says I'm
               becoming the bruised apple at the bottom
               of the apple bucket.

                            KUMAIL
               No, no. You're not.

                             KHADIJA
               I am.

                             KUMAIL
               You're not.

                            KHADIJA
               So do you want to hangout sometime? Like
               without our parents? Have you been to the
               cat cafe? The cats just come up to you
               and nestle in your lap and you just pet
               them.

                            KUMAIL
               I don't think that's a good idea.

                            KHADIJA
               You don't like cats?
76


                            KUMAIL
               I mean I don't think it's a good idea for
               us to hangout again. It's not you. You're
               fantastic. I just can't do this arranged
               marriage thing -- with anybody.

                            KHADIJA
               So why did you meet me?

                            KUMAIL
               It wasn't my idea.

                            KHADIJA
               I'm just really tired. Do you ever want
               to just be in a relationship so you can
               finally relax?

                            KUMAIL
               I'm sorry. You deserve better than me.

                            KHADIJA
               People are always telling me what I
               deserve. It's bullshit. And stop being so
               sorry about everything. I'm gonna go.

     Khadija starts walking to her front door, then stops and
     turns back to Kumail.


                            KHADIJA (CONT'D)
               And you know what? I watched the X-Files,
               like three whole episodes, and it's a bad
               show.



     INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY

     Beth, Terry, and Kumail sit. Beth and Terry with their
     laptops, Kumail with his iPhone. Each diligently typing.
     We see they're each looking things up on WebMD.

                            TERRY
               Wow, they should call this website,
               "Everything is Cancer Dot Com".
               Everything you put in, it could be
               cancer. Hiccups could be cancer. Come on.
               You take the fun out of hiccups now.

                            BETH
               Do you know this is the 17th best
               hospital in Chicago?
77


                            TERRY
               Really? Out of how many?

                            BETH
               I don't know, but Northwestern's number
               one.

                            TERRY
               Well how do they rate it? What's their
               methodology?

                            BETH
               I don't know, Terry. But 17th is bad.

                            TERRY
               It's not great, unless the sample size
               is, you know, that all depends.

                            KUMAIL
               Here, look at the comments.

                            TERRY
               This is why I don't want to go online
               cause it's never good. You go online,
               they hated Forrest Gump. Frickin' best
               movie ever.



     INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER

     Terry talks on his cellphone and paces. Dr. Cunningham
     tracks him down.

                            DR. CUNNINGHAM
               Terry - Hi. Can we talk?

                            TERRY
               Yeah.

                            DR. CUNNINGHAM
               We got the biopsy results. They are
               unfortunately inconclusive. We are
               concerned-

     Music drowns out the rest of their conversation as Terry
     looks increasingly distraught.



     INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - LATER

     Terry speaks with Beth and Kumail.
78


                            TERRY
               They couldn't find out what the disease
               was, or where the virus came from or
               the bacteria or whatever.

                            KUMAIL
               But they took out the infection so it
               shouldn't matter?

                            TERRY
               I know, that's what I said but her
               vitals didn't normalize. And now they
               say that the infection is continuing to
               spread, it's in her kidneys.

                            KUMAIL
               But the kidneys are so far from the
               lungs.

                            TERRY
               I know, it's an aggressive infection
               and they said what they gotta do now is
               figure out what this mystery disease
               actually is.

                            BETH
               I'm calling Northwestern.

                            TERRY
               Just hold on, hold on.

                            BETH
               Terry! Goddammit!

                            KUMAIL
               I think we should talk about this--

                            BETH
               --You shut up! I'm sick of this shit,
               Terry. We're getting her out of here!

                            TERRY
               They're in the middle of the whole
               process of elimination.

                            BETH
               So you're saying Northwestern can't
               take that information and continue the
               search? This place is a shithole.

     She looks towards the other people in the waiting room.

                            BETH (CONT'D)
               I'm sorry. Anna, could I have that?
79


     She takes her bag from Anna.

                            TERRY
               Will you just stop for a second? They're
               the doctors. You act like you know what
               you're talking about. You don't.

     Beth searches in her bag.

                            BETH
               I can't find my cellphone. You got a
               phone?

                            TERRY
               Don't give her a phone. You don't need a
               phone. You don't need to call anybody
               right now.

     Kumail takes out his phone, hands it to Beth. She starts
     fiddling with it.

                            TERRY (CONT'D)
               They're doing it. They're the experts
               here, and I trust them.

                            BETH
               Well that's very nice. But I don't. Can
               you unlock that thing?


     Beth hands the phone back to Kumail, he unlocks it, hands
     it back.

                            BETH (CONT'D)
               There's a reason why they're #17 and
               Northwestern's #1. And it's not because
               people trust them!

                            TERRY
               Oh - you think that you're smarter than
               me because you say big sentences. Well
               you're not!

     Kumail is trying to give them space, unsure what to do.

                            BETH
               I don't think I'm smarter than you! You
               just don't think you're as smart as I
               am! That's not my fault!

                            TERRY
               Right. It's never your fault.
               Everything's my fault.
80


                            BETH
               Oh there are some things that are
               definitely just your fault.

                            TERRY
               Okay, that's bullshit. You need to stop
               freaking out and calm down.

                            BETH
               And you need to stop being a coward.

                            TERRY
               Greatest hits, coming back. You can
               stop, I'll replay the rest of this from
               memory.

     Kumail slips away.



     INT. GIFT SHOP - MOMENTS LATER

     Kumail looking at gift items.



     INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER

     Kumail walks with a giant STUFFED GIRAFFE.



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

     Kumail puts the STUFFED GIRAFFE by her bed. Nurse Judy
     smiles.

                            NURSE JUDY
               Oh, you're giraffe-ing it.

                            KUMAIL
               It was the biggest thing they had. I
               don't even know if she likes giraffes. We
               never talked about giraffes. Hey, do
               they know what they're doing? Cause
               they don't tell us anything. Like, Lyme
               Disease? You know the girl on The Real
               World had it? Did you guys look for
               that?

                              NURSE JUDY
               Yes, we did.
81


                           KUMAIL
              Did you know she gets hurt all the
              time? She messed up her ankle recently -
              could that be Lupus?

                           NURSE JUDY
              Kumail. We're looking into everything.
              We're not holding anything back from
              you. We're still just eliminating
              possibilities.

                           KUMAIL
              Cause Beth wants to move her to
              Northwestern.

                           NURSE JUDY
              Oh no. Emily should not be moved. The
              hospital will approve it because it'll
              get the liability off their hands, but
              we put her in a coma for a reason. To
              stabilize her. Moving her could be very
              dangerous. The infection could spread.
              Trust me she is fighting. And so are
              we.

     Kumail looks frightened.



     INT. WAITING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

     Terry balls up his coat to use as a pillow, trying to
     get comfortable. Kumail enters. TERRY sees him and sits
     up.

                           KUMAIL
              Hey Terry. I was just talking to the
              nurse - You okay?

                           TERRY
              Yeah, of course. Totally fine.

     Terry's eyes are very puffy and red.

                           TERRY (CONT'D)
              Beth went to Emily's, so I'm gonna wait
              here until they kick me out. Keep an
              eye on her.

     Long pause. Terry and Kumail staring at one another.

                           KUMAIL
              Do you wanna crash at my place?
82


                           TERRY
              You got the golf channel?

                           KUMAIL
              No.

                           TERRY
              That wasn't funny, right?

                           KUMAIL
              I thought that was a serious question.

                           TERRY
              Let's get the fuck out of here.



     INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

     Kumail and Terry walk in.

                           KUMAIL
              So this is the place.

                           TERRY
              Wow...this place is terrible.



     INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - LATER

     Kumail and Terry lay on separate air mattresses.

                           KUMAIL
              Hey I talked to Nurse Judy, and she was
              saying that moving Emily could be a bad
              idea.

                           TERRY
              Really?

                           KUMAIL
              Yeah, she said it could be dangerous.

     Terry listens but doesn't respond.

                           KUMAIL (CONT'D)
              Like...

                           TERRY
              No. Yeah. I hear you. I'd give anything
              to trade places with Emily. Being a
              parent, it's a nightmare. Loving
              somebody this much sucks.
83


                           KUMAIL
               Yeah.

     Kumail's not sure what to say.

                            TERRY
               And I guess you've noticed some tension
               between Beth and me.

                            KUMAIL
               Not really. That's none of my business.

                            TERRY
               Yeah well, it's there. Big time.

                            KUMAIL
               It's getting really late. We should go
               to sleep.

     Kumail turns off the light. A beat of quiet in the dark.

                            TERRY
               I cheated on her.

                           KUMAIL
               Fuuuuck.

                            TERRY
               I did. It was just a one night stand.

                           KUMAIL
               Okay.

                            TERRY
               We met at some bar in Cincinnati. They
               have these teacher conferences. Who
               goes to a math conference to get laid?

                            KUMAIL
               Math teachers?

                            TERRY
               Yeah. I think I was depressed, that's
               what it was.

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah. Let's talk about it tomorrow. Get a
               full night's sleep. Catch up fresh in the-

                            TERRY
               She just smelled so good. It was horrible
               too. As soon as I was finished. As soon
               as I'd finished, I was like, what did you
               fucking do?! What did you just do?!
                            (MORE)
84

                           TERRY (CONT'D)
              What did you do?! You know that moment of
              clarity you get right after an orgasm?

                           KUMAIL
              Yup.

                           TERRY
              I told Beth right away. I had to. She
              was devastated. Now she hates me.

                           KUMAIL
              She might be mad at you, but she doesn't
              hate you. You should've heard the way she
              was talking about you. Hey, can I ask you
              something? Why did you tell her?

                           TERRY
              Oh, I had to. I'm no good with guilt.

                           KUMAIL
              Do you guys talk about it?

                           TERRY
              Not anymore. She said she forgave me,
              but no. She hasn't. Let me give you
              some advice Kumail. You're going to
              know the woman you want to spend the
              rest of your life with when you cheat
              on her. When you cheat on her and you
              just feel like shit.

                           KUMAIL
              So, to fully know I love someone, I
              have to cheat on them?

                           TERRY
              Out loud it sounds stupid. Yeah, that's
              terrible advice.

     Terry is clearly fraught.

                           TERRY (CONT'D)
              Love isn't easy. That's why they call
              it love.

                           KUMAIL
              I don't really get that either.

                           TERRY
              I know. I thought I could just start
              saying something and something smart
              would come out.
85


     INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - MORNING

     Kumail wakes up. Terry is gone. There is a note. "Headed
     to the hospital. See you there - Terry."



     INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT

     Kumail pulls on his shoes as Chris exits the bathroom.

                           KUMAIL
              Hey did you see Terry?

                           CHRIS
              No, I heard him leave this morning. I'm
              going to Sevies. You want anything?

                           KUMAIL
              No, I'm good, thank you.

                           CHRIS
              You don't want a hot dog or nothing?

                           KUMAIL
              Dude it's 8:30 in the morning.

                           CHRIS
              Okay, no hot dog.

     Chris opens the door to leave as Azmat and Sharmeen
     enter.

                           SHARMEEN
              We just spoke to Khadija's parents.

                           KUMAIL
              What are you doing here?

                           SHARMEEN
              What is wrong with you, Kumi?

                           KUMAIL
              Nothing is wrong with me. I'm sorry-

                           SHARMEEN
              Sorry? That's all you have to say?

                           KUMAIL
              I wasn't that into her.
86


                  SHARMEEN
     "Into her"? Do you know how difficult
     it is to get an appointment with her?
     She is in very high demand.

                 KUMAIL
     Okay. So?

                 SHARMEEN
     So?

                  KUMAIL
     Can we please talk about this another
     time?

                  SHARMEEN
     No, no, Kumi. We will talk about this
     now. We have sacrificed everything for
     you.

                  KUMAIL
     I know, okay?

                  SHARMEEN
     We have left our family. We have left
     our home. I have missed the birth of my
     sister's daughter. I have not seen my
     mother for fifteen years. Your father,
     he had to do his graduate school.
     Again. He had to give exams. Again.

                  AZMAT
     I was in my mid 50's. They were in 20s.
     They used to call me Father Time!

                  KUMAIL
     I know that. I really appreciate
     everything you did for me, but can we
     talk about this another time?

                  SHARMEEN
     Kumi, if you don't want to be a lawyer,
     fine. If you want to do the stand-up
     comedy and embarrass us as a family,
     fine. There is only one thing that we
     have ever asked from you: that you be a
     good Muslim and that you marry a
     Pakistani girl. That is it, one thing!

                  KUMAIL
     Can I ask you something that has never
     made sense to me? Why did you bring me
     here if you wanted me to not have an
     American life?
                  (MORE)
87

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               We come here but we pretend like we're
               still back there? That's so stupid!

                            AZMAT
               Don't you talk to your mother like
               that!

                            KUMAIL
               You don't care what I think. You just
               want me to follow the rules. But the
               rules don't make sense to me. I don't
               pray. I don't. I haven't prayed in
               years. I just go down there and I play
               video games.

                            AZMAT
               You don't believe in Allah?

                            KUMAIL
               I don't know what I believe, Dad! I
               don't know. And I can't marry someone
               you find for me.

                              SHARMEEN
               And why not?

                            KUMAIL
               Because I'm in love with someone. I am.
               Her name is Emily and she's gonna be a
               therapist. And right now she's very
               sick but I couldn't tell you that. It
               makes me so sad that I couldn't tell
               you any of that. I really appreciate
               everything you've done for me. I truly,
               truly do. And I know Islam has been
               really good for you, it has made you
               good people, but I don't know what I
               believe. I just need to figure it out
               on my own.

                            SHARMEEN
               You're not my son.

     Sharmeen turns her back on Kumail and heads towards the
     door.

                            AZMAT
               Kumi, you're being selfish. You're not
               thinking about us. You're not thinking
               about Khadija. In fact you're not even
               thinking about that girl that you are in
               love with. You think American Dream is
               just about doing whatever you want and
               not thinking about other people?
                            (MORE)
88

                            AZMAT (CONT'D)
               You're wrong! You are wrong!


     Sharmeen and Azmat leave. Chris comes back in.

                            CHRIS
               Hey... I never went to the store. I was
               just listening at the door. My mom kicked
               me out for dealing weed at sixteen, so I
               get it man.



     INT. WAITING ROOM - LATER

     Kumail walks in. He's had a rough morning. Terry and
     Beth are signing forms. Kumail approaches Terry.

                            KUMAIL
               Hey, so when are we going to talk to Beth
               about what we talked about?

                            TERRY
               We're gonna move her.

                            KUMAIL
               What? What are you talking about? You
               fucking caved?

                            TERRY
               I didn't cave. I don't cave.

                            KUMAIL
               Okay, okay. I know you don't cave. You're
               great. But we talked about this last
               night.

                            TERRY
               I know. We're moving her. She's right.

     Terry walks towards Beth as Kumail follows.

                            KUMAIL
               What? No. I told you what the nurse
               said. Hey Beth, the nurse told me that
               moving Emily could be a very bad idea.

                            BETH
               Well Northwestern told us it could be
               very good.

                            KUMAIL
               Well, they don't see her. This nurse
               sees her and she told me herself.
89


                             TERRY
                It's okay. They don't need to see her.

     Beth and Terry gather their things to leave, and Kumail
     grabs a form out of Terry's hand to stop him.

                             KUMAIL
                It's not okay. There. I got it!

                             TERRY
                That's a map of the garage.

     Beth and Terry begin to walk down the hall.

                             KUMAIL
                Wait, wait! Do you want to be
                responsible? She could die!

     Beth stops.

                             BETH
                Kumail, we're responsible for her no
                matter what. We're her parents. Now I'm
                sorry, we're moving her.

     They head off.



     EXT. QUICK'N HOT DRIVE THROUGH - LATER

     Kumail pulls up in his car & talks to the DRIVE THRU
     box.

                             STU
                Welcome to Quick'n Hot. May I take your
                order please?

                             KUMAIL
                Yeah, um can I get a burger with 4
                slices of cheese.

                             STU
                Four burgers. Anything else sir?

                             KUMAIL
                No. One burger with four slices of
                cheese.

     Silence.

                             KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                One burger with four-
90


                             STU
                I'm sorry. We can't do that.

                             KUMAIL
                Just put 4 slices of cheese on a
                burger.

                             STU
                We can't do that. There's no button -

                             KUMAIL
                Who the fuck is this "we", man? Who the
                fuck is this "we"? It's me and you.
                We're just people. Fucking listen to
                me. Fuck this corporate entity. Put
                four slices of cheese on THE FUCKING
                BURGER.

     Silence.

                             STU
                We can't do that.

                             KUMAIL
                What the fuck, you fucking idiot?

     Kumail gets out of the car, runs to the pick up window.

                             KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                Hey, look at me. Cause I'm a human
                being. You're a human being. Look at
                me. Look me in the eyes when you fuck
                me! Look at me. PLEASE!

                             STU
                Today's my first day.

                             KUMAIL
                Fuck you!

     Kumail turns to the garbage can nearby and just starts
     pulling garbage out. He locks eyes with Stu.

                             STU
                I'll just ring you up for four burgers.

     STU looks down and starts typing.

                             KUMAIL
                I'm sorry.
91


                            STU
                     (un-emotional)
               Do you want any fries or drink with
               that?

                            KUMAIL
               I'll take four fries. I'm sorry.

     Kumail begins to put the trash back in the trash can.



     INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - NIGHT

     Parked, Kumail sits scarfing down burgers and fries. He
     gets a text from Chris: "Where are you? You're up in
     20!"

                            KUMAIL
               Fuck!



     INT. TRIPLE DOOR - SHOWROOM

     Kumail enters. Big crowd. Mary's on stage. Chris runs
     up.

                            CHRIS
               Hey man, Montreal finals. You ready? Oh
               wait, are you getting all dark and
               moody before your set? Yeah, punish
               yourself like a nasty little baby.

                            KUMAIL
               I am not in the mood. Okay Chris?

                            CHRIS
               I'll get you in the mood.

     Kumail walks towards CJ and Sam.

                            CHRIS (CONT'D)
                     (to everyone)
               I'll get you all in the mood.

                            CJ
               You all right?

                            KUMAIL
               Why does everybody say the same fucking
               thing? Yeah, I'm doing great.
92


                           CJ
              Okay, all right dude. I'm just checking.

     Dodd runs up to Kumail.

                           DODD
              The fuck've you been, man? You're on
              next!

     Dodd runs off. On stage, Mary is doing well. Kumail's
     phone rings. It's Terry. Kumail hesitates. Then answers.
     We see Kumail's face. He doesn't say anything. On stage -
     Mary finishes her act. We hear Terry's voice on the
     call.

                           TERRY (O.S.)
              Kumail, it's Terry. Listen, we're not
              moving here. The doctors, they said..

     We don't hear the rest of the call.

                           DODD
              This next performer, my man, Mr. Kumail
              Nanjiani!

     Kumail is dazed. We see Bob Dalavan in the audience.



     INT. TRIPLE DOOR - CONTINUOUS

     Kumail slowly walks up to the stage. He stands there
     silently, looking at the audience. Then, finally...

                           KUMAIL
              Have you guys heard of this new drug
              cocktail called cheese? Like that's the
              name of it, it's called cheese. I saw
              all these news reports, and they were
              like, there's a new drug, it's called
              cheese. Everyone's doing it in the
              Midwest, kids are doing it.

     Titters. Barely anything. Bob Dalavan not laughing.

                           KUMAIL (CONT'D)
              It's just really hard to do stand-up
              comedy when your girlfriend is in a
              coma.

     The audience laughs nervously.
93


                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Not quite sure what part you're
               laughing at. They say she's fighting,
               but she doesn't look like she's
               fighting. She looks like she's just
               laying there. I said horrible things to
               her. I hurt her. She loves birds. Like
               she gets excited every time she sees a
               bird. She's like, look at this, it's a
               bird. And I'm always like, yeah,
               they're all over the place, they're
               birds. But she likes that bird. Every
               bird she sees, she sees it.

                                                          CUT TO:

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Her dad just called and said that they
               can't transfer her because the infection
               has reached her heart. Which means...
                      (realizing for the 1st time)
               She could die.



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - NIGHT

     It's darker, less clinical-feeling at night in Emily's
     room. She's still the same, the beeping is the same, but
     there's something almost holy feeling in the room at
     night. Kumail sits quietly talking to her.

                            KUMAIL
               I don't know if you can hear me or not,
               but it would be really good if you pulled
               through. If you have to go, you can go,
               but it would be really great if you
               stayed. And I'm really sorry about what I
               did -

     Kumail continues to quietly talk to her.



     INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - MORNING

     Kumail wakes up in his filthy car the next morning to a
     text from Terry: "Please come right away".



     INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM- DAY

     Kumail walks through the hallway.
94


     INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE EMILY'S ROOM - SAME

     He looks inside the room. Emily is awake, surrounded by
     her parents and some doctors. Kumail watches through the
     window. Emily is groggy. The respirator is gone. Beth
     and Terry talk to her. She seems upset, can't talk.
     Kumail wants to go in but doesn't.



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM- DAY

     Beth sits on Emily's bed. Terry, Dr. Cunningham, and
     Nurse Judy stand to the side.

                            EMILY
               Mom. You're getting your tears all over
               me. When am I gonna be able to feel my
               face?

                            TERRY
               You gave us quite a scare there, Scout.

                            EMILY
               Scout?

                            TERRY
               Come on. I call you that all the time.

                            EMILY
               No. Not since I was a grown up.

                            TERRY
               I've called you that your whole life!

     Nurse Judy holds up a CUP for Emily to sip from. Emily
     spits out the liquid.

                            NURSE JUDY
               Sorry hon.

                            EMILY
               What is that crap?

                            NURSE JUDY
               We have to thicken your liquids for a
               bit. Your esophagus isn't strong enough
               to swallow yet.

                            EMILY
               That shit tastes like semen.

                            TERRY
               That's nice for a father to hear.
95


                           DR. CUNNINGHAM
              She won't have any social inhibitions
              until the anesthetic wears off.

     Nurse Judy holds the cup for Emily again, and she sips.

                           EMILY
              It does! Seriously, Mom. You should try
              this.

     Emily tries to grab the cup herself.

                           BETH
              Oh wait a minute, honey!

     Emily drops the cup. She's very upset. Beth comforts
     her.

                           TERRY
              Oh, come on, come on. They'll charge us
              forty eight dollars for it, don't worry
              about it.

     Kumail walks in.

                           EMILY
              Why are you here?

                           KUMAIL
                    (to Beth and Terry)
              I haven't heard her voice in a while.

                           BETH
              He's been here the whole time.

                           DR. CUNNINGHAM
                     (to Beth and Terry)
              Could I speak with you both outside?

     Dr Cunningham motions for them to join her in the hall.

                           BETH
                     (to Emily)
              Honey, we'll be right outside.

     Terry and Beth and leave with Dr. Cunningham. Kumail
     approaches Emily.

                           KUMAIL
              Hey.
96


     EXT. HALLWAY - SAME

     Cunningham speaks with Terry and Beth.

                            DR. CUNNINGHAM
               Emily has a rare condition called Adult
               Onset Still's disease. Kumail mentioned
               Emily's hurt ankle and the swelling
               still hadn't gone down even after
               several days in bed, which is strange.
               Still's disease is when the body thinks
               healthy tissue is an infection so it
               tries to fight it. It's like a big
               biological misunderstanding.

                             TERRY
               Yeah, yeah.

                            DR CUNNINGHAM
               We gave her anti-inflammatories and she
               stabilized within hours. She's gonna
               take time to recover but she'll be
               fine.

                             TERRY
               Wow.



     INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - SAME

     Kumail speaks with Emily.

                            EMILY
               What are you doing here?

                            KUMAIL
               I was visiting someone down the hall and
               I was like, I'll just pop in and say hi
               to Emily.

                             EMILY
               Oh.

                            KUMAIL
               No, I'm joking, I was here for you.

                            EMILY
               You're an asshole and I don't like you.

                            KUMAIL
               I'm not an asshole. I'm really not.
97


                            EMILY
               No, you're an asshole.

                            KUMAIL
               You have a lot of drugs in you so you're
               not thinking as clearly.

                            EMILY
               Naw dog. I'm not joking. You're not funny
               to me. You just make me sad. You make me
               sad inside of my heart, and it makes me
               sad to look at you. So I think you should
               probably go. Just go and tell my mom I
               want her.

     Kumail doesn't know what to say.

                            EMILY (CONT'D)
               Will you please get my mom?

     Kumail nods and heads out to the hallway.



     INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

     Kumail goes up to Beth and Terry.

                            KUMAIL
               Emily wants to see you.

     Beth goes back inside Emily's room.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               I'm gonna head out. I don't think I
               should be here.

                            TERRY
               Alright, Kumail. Here's the thing. Your
               living condition is a potential health
               risk and you're not that funny. But....
               you're probably not suited to do
               anything else either so that's
               troublesome--

                            KUMAIL
               You really made it sound like you were
               going to say something positive there.

                            TERRY
               I guess I did, didn't I? You know I
               know the good stuff. You know how I
               feel. I gotta get in there.
98


     Terry heads back inside.



     INT. EMILY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

     Terry walks in. Beth sits on Emily's bed as Kumail
     watches through the window. Beth notices Kumail.



     EXT. EMILY'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

     Beth comes outside into the hallway.

                            KUMAIL
               So you gonna hang around Chicago for a
               while?

                            BETH
               Yeah. She's got physical therapy.

                             KUMAIL
               Did you ever think you'd be excited to
               have your daughter go through physical
               therapy?
                      (beat)
               It's so strange that we could go
               through one of the most intense
               experiences of our lives together and
               just never see each other again.

     Beth puts her hands on Kumail's face. She looks at him.

                            BETH
               Maybe. But I hope not.

     They smile. Kumail walks out of the hospital.



     INT. COMEDY CLUB - A DIFFERENT NIGHT

     Kumail backstage with other comics. Chris is on-stage.
     Kumail sits on a chair going over his notes. CJ and Mary
     walk up to him.

                            MARY
               Hi little sad man. Mopey boy. We have
               something to tell you. We are moving to
               New York. And we want you to come with
               us.
99


                  KUMAIL
     Are you serious?

                  CJ
     You gotta do it. It's going to suck at
     first but we'll have each other and
     maybe eventually get paid to write
     jokes. It's gonna be the best. Come on
     dude.

                  MARY
     You have to come. I know you did not
     get Montreal and that is only because
     you did one of the worst sets I've ever
     seen in my goddamn life.

                  CJ
     It was nonsense.

                  MARY
     A living disgrace.

                  CJ
     I would call it shit, but I would be
     worried that I'd be insulting actual
     shit.

                  MARY
     Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me, I
     thought a ghost had passed right through
     me.

                  KUMAIL
     We don't have to keep going over how bad
     the set was. I saw their faces and the
     noises they didn't make.

                  MARY
     I felt one of my eggs die.

                  KUMAIL
     Doesn't that happen every month?

                  MARY
     It happens every month, Kumail, but I
     don't always feel it and go, ohhhhh. And
     that's what you made me do. I'm packing
     my things up and I'm moving to New York,
     and guess what, baby? You're coming with
     me.

                  KUMAIL
     What about Chris?
100


      Chris performs on stage.

                             MARY
                He will be fine.

                             CJ
                There's not enough room in the car,
                probably. We leave in a week, all
                right? And I already called shotgun
                Chicago to Pittsburgh. Do not fuck this
                up.

                             MARY
                Your destiny awaits!

                             CJ
                This will be the biggest move of your
                life. Other than the one from Pakistan.



      INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT- DAY

      A "WELCOME HOME" banner hangs. Balloons. Beth, Terry,
      and EMILY'S FRIENDS are chatting. Emily sits on the
      couch chatting, a CANE by her side. Terry taps on a cup.

                             TERRY
                Hey, clink clink! Thank you everybody
                for coming. I just wanted to say a
                couple of words here.

      Emily clocks Kumail as he WALKS IN holding a large bag.

                             EMILY
                      (leans over to Beth)
                Why is Kumail here?

                             BETH
                Cause he was there the whole time. I
                invited the nurses, I invited him.

                             TERRY
                Emily, come on up here. I wanna say
                something.

      Emily stands up and makes her way to Terry.

                             TERRY (CONT'D)
                Emily successfully peeled an orange
                this morning.
                             (MORE)
101

                            TERRY (CONT'D)
               It was a clementine, full disclosure,
               it's those little ones that a baby
               monkey could peel, but she did it. And
               that's all, thank you everybody.

      Kumail finally approaches Emily.

                            KUMAIL
               Hey. I like your cane. I've heard
               pimpin' ain't easy.

                            EMILY
               Right.

                            KUMAIL
               Hey, can we talk for a second?

                            EMILY
               Sure.



      INT. EMILY'S BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS

      They walk in. Lots of jackets on the bed.

                            KUMAIL
               So, I've been collecting some things
               that are important to me and I wanted
               to show them to you. I call this my bag
               of devotion.

      Kumail presents the BIG BAG and starts to take items
      out. He holds up a bunch of HOSPITAL PASSES.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               This is all the visitor passes from
               when I visited you when you were in the-

      He holds up some TICKET STUBS.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               These are the ticket stubs from when
               your parents came to see me perform and
               I realized how great they are, and how
               great you are, and how great honesty
               is.

      He holds up a JAR FULL OF ASHES.

                            EMILY
               What did you do? Did you cremate
               someone?
102


                             KUMAIL
                These are the ashes of all the
                Pakistani women - not the women - the
                pictures of the Pakistani women. I
                thought this was a good idea, but it
                feels a little stupid.

      Kumail puts the items down and kneels before Emily.

                             KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                I know I was a terrible boyfriend. But
                I've changed. And I am the person you
                need me to be. I really am. So, will
                you take me back?

                             EMILY
                Kumail, I'm really glad that you went
                through this experience, but you have
                to understand that all that happened
                while I was asleep. Like you felt one
                way a few weeks ago and now you're
                saying you feel the total opposite way
                and the only thing that's changed is
                that I was in a coma. Honestly, I look
                at all of this, and I just think, I
                can't do it again. I can't be the
                reason that you don't have a family. It
                just feels totally different now. And I
                can't do that again. Do you understand?

                             KUMAIL
                Okay.

      Kumail packs up his bag of devotion.



      SONG PLAYS... "GET SHIT TOGETHER" MONTAGE

      -- Kumail drives a passenger around.

      -- Kumail cleans his room.

      -- Sharmeen, Azmat, Naveed, and Fatima have a family
      dinner. Kumail's not there.

      -- Emily does physical therapy with Beth and Terry.

      -- Kumail drives passengers around.

      -- Emily, Beth, and Terry eat take out together.

      -- Kumail at the theater works on his one-man show.
103


      -- Emily in bed with Beth sleeping next to her. Terry by
      himself on the sofa.

      -- Kumail and CJ put up fliers for Kumail's one man
      show.

      -- Kumail makes a Facebook page for his one man show.



      INT. KUMAIL'S PARENT'S HOUSE - NIGHT

      Kumail enters the dining room without knocking on the
      door. Azmat, Sharmeen, Naveed, and Fatima are eating
      dinner. Kumail joins them. We see he has another LARGE
      BAG.

                             KUMAIL
                Ma. Dad. Fatima. Bhai. There's no
                plate. Oh I forgot. I've decided I
                won't let you kick me out of the
                family. Since I am a member of the
                family, it would stand to reason that I
                would get a vote in whether or not I
                get kicked out, and that vote would
                have to be unanimous. Standard
                parliamentary procedure. So all those
                in favor of not kicking Kumail out of
                the family, raise your hand.

      Kumail raises his hand. Everyone else stares silently.

                             KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                Great. Motion to kick Kumail out of the
                family, denied. So you guys can just
                talk to me.

      Everyone is silent.

                             KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                Okay, you're giving me the silent
                treatment. I figured that was what was
                going to happen. I have a solution.

      Kumail pulls out cue cards from his bag and shows them.

                             KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                "Hi. How are you?" It's just a real
                basic one. "Pass the salt." Practical.
                "Always with the comedy." Mom, made
                that one specially for you. "Kumail,
                how did you become so much more
                handsome than your brother Naveed?"
104


                              NAVEED
                Bullshit.

      Naveed and Azmat exchange a look.

                             KUMAIL
                I admit this one is designed to stir up
                some controversy. "It's interesting how
                you can't really kick someone out of your
                family because they'll always be your
                family." I agree with that one. It's a
                good one. So, I'm gonna leave these here
                for you.

      Kumail leaves the cards on the dining table.

                             KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                I'm sorry I lied about the girls and
                the LSAT and all of that. That was
                wrong. And one more thing: I'm moving
                to New York to pursue stand-up, but I
                am not leaving this family.

      Kumail leaves. Eye contact around the table.



      INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT- NIGHT

      Emily on her bed. She impulsively Googles Kumail and
      finds his MONTREAL AUDITION, which is described as
      "WORST BOMB IN HISTORY!!!" She plugs her headphones in
      and watches a beat.

                             KUMAIL (V.O.)
                My parents want me to get arrange
                married. Or as it's called in Pakistan,
                romance! Earlier today, I told them
                everything. I told them about my life. I
                told them about Emily. They kicked me out
                of the family. I may never talk to them
                again. So that happened -

      KNOCK on the door.

                              EMILY
                What is it?

                             BETH (O.S.)
                Can I come in?

                              EMILY
                Okay.
105


      Beth enters. Emily closes her laptop.

                                EMILY (CONT'D)
                   I swear you and Dad are just like my
                   freshman year roommate, but instead of
                   boning random dudes, you're just
                   parenting all the time. All over the
                   place. In every room of the house.
                   Including right next to me.

                                  BETH
                   We gotta go.

                                  EMILY
                   Home?

      Beth nods.

                                  EMILY (CONT'D)
                   No.

                                BETH
                   Yeah, it's time.

                                EMILY
                   I'm not ready.

                                BETH
                   Yeah, you know what? You're strong and
                   you are.



      EXT. PLAYGROUND THEATER - NIGHT

      The marquee says "KUMAIL NANJIANI: CITIZEN". People
      filing into the theater.



      INT. PLAYGROUND STAGE - NIGHT

      Mid-show.

                                KUMAIL
                   And we'd go to the mosque and hear
                   graphic details of religious people
                   being killed 1400 years ago. I mean
                   like Tarantino-esque details. And
                   everyone would be crying, like
                   competing to see who could cry the
                   hardest. And I could never cry. And I
                   was like, what is wrong with me? Am I
                   broken?
                                (MORE)
106

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               The only time I've cried that much is
               when I watched the first 15 minutes of
               Up. This is a picture of me and my
               mother. I'm seven years old.



      INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT - LATER

      Beth is in the bathroom while Terry stands in the
      kitchen drinking a glass of water.

                            TERRY
               You know people talk about New York
               water but Chicago water is very
               underrated, I think. It's good.

      Emily comes into the living room.

                            EMILY
               Hey guys, I think I might just pop out
               for a bit.

                              TERRY
               By yourself?

                            EMILY
               Yeah, just hop around the block, maybe
               get some frozen yogurt.

                            TERRY
               Are you okay? Can you do it, can you walk
               by yourself?

                              EMILY
               Yeah, Dad.

                              BETH
               Have fun.

                            TERRY
               If you feel a coma coming on, call us.

                            EMILY
               Dad, it's too soon. I love you, I'll see
               you in the morning.

                            TERRY
               Love you, bye.

                              BETH
               Have fun.
107


                            EMILY
               I will.

                            TERRY
               Got your phone?

                            EMILY
               Yeah.



      INT. PLAYGROUND THEATRE - LATER

      Kumail is with Naveed in the empty theatre. Naveed wears
      sunglasses.

                            KUMAIL
               But you liked it, huh?

                            NAVEED
               Yeah. I mean, yeah.

      Emily enters hesitantly.

                            KUMAIL
               Hey!

                            EMILY
               Hi...

                            KUMAIL
               What are you doing here?

                            EMILY
               I was in the neighborhood and I saw
               that you were gonna be here so I
               thought I'd come say hi.

                            KUMAIL
               You look great. How's your blood oxygen
               level?

                            EMILY
               Oh, well within range.

                            KUMAIL
               Nice.

      They stand there. It's tense.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Uh, this is my brother, Naveed.
108


                             EMILY
                Hi, I'm Emily.

                             NAVEED
                I've heard lots about you.

                             EMILY
                It's so good to finally meet you.
                       (to Kumail)
                There's actually something I wanted to
                tell you.

      Naveed clocks the tension between them.

                             NAVEED
                Okay, well I'm going to just... goodbye.

      Naveed slips out as Emily and Kumail stare at each other.



      INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT - SAME

      Terry lies on the pull out sofa. Just before Beth gets
      to Emily's room she stops.

                             BETH
                Are you warm enough?

                             TERRY
                Yeah, yeah. I've got my two pairs of
                socks on.

      She smiles, walks into Emily's bedroom. Terry gets under
      the covers. Beth reemerges and approaches his couch-bed.

                               BETH
                Do you mind?

                               TERRY
                No... no...

      Beth gets under the covers with him. They snuggle.

                             BETH
                I'm glad we're going home tomorrow.

                             TERRY
                Me too. See? I should have brushed my
                teeth.

                               BETH
                I like it.
109


      INT. PLAYGROUND THEATRE - LATER

      Kumail and Emily sit on the bed from his show together.


                            EMILY
               When something like this happens,
               there's this sort of expectation that
               you're going to have this completely
               new lease on life and feel totally
               different about everything. Like
               cherish every sunrise. And for the most
               part I just feel like, ugh I can't get
               up that early. I'm sorry, I feel like
               I've been talking about myself so much.
               Are you doing a lot of stand-up?

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah, I bombed my Montreal Comedy
               Festival audition, like horrifically.

                            EMILY
               I saw the video. It wasn't great. I'll be
               honest with you, it wasn't great.

                            KUMAIL
               I know.

                            EMILY
               But there was a lot I liked. Like a lot I
               liked.

                            KUMAIL
               I'm moving to New York.

                            EMILY
               Really?

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah. Mary and CJ and I are just gonna
               drive out. We have a place already.

                            EMILY
               When do you leave?

                            KUMAIL
               Next weekend.

      This kinda hits them both like a ton of bricks.

                            EMILY
               I'm so excited for you. That is great.
               I think you are going to do so great in
               New York.
110


                             KUMAIL
                What were you going to say?

                              EMILY
                What?

                             KUMAIL
                You said you were going to say something
                to me. What was it?

                             EMILY
                Oh, just that I wanted to thank you. My
                parents told me everything you did for me
                and I feel like the last time we spoke I
                didn't properly thank you so-

                             KUMAIL
                Oh yeah. Totally fine.

                             EMILY
                I should probably go.

                             KUMAIL
                Do you wanna call an Uber?

                             EMILY
                No, I'm gonna walk actually. This has
                been really great. Okay, bye.


      They smile at each other.



      EXT. STREET - DAY

      CJ, Mary, Kumail, and Chris are packing BOXES into a
      car.

                             CHRIS
                The scene is gonna be so different with
                you guys gone.

                             KUMAIL
                You should... come out...

                             CHRIS
                Nah. I'm good here. I'm gonna miss you.

                             KUMAIL
                I'm gonna miss you.

      Kumail and Chris hug.
111


                            CHRIS
               Get out of here, you assholes.

                            MARY
               Come here, you big dummy.

      Chris hugs Mary. Kumail is distracted as a CAR pulls up
      nearby. Kumail stares at it. After a beat, Kumail's dad
      Azmat pops out and walks up to Kumail.

                            AZMAT
               You are still kicked out of the family,
               but because we did not get a proper
               chance to say bye to you... Your mother
               is so angry with you. She is not going
               to get out of the car. She's not even
               going to look at you. And I don't
               believe you kept so much secret from
               me, your father.

                              KUMAIL
               I'm sorry.

                            AZMAT
               Here. She asked me to give this to you.

      Azmat hands Kumail a TUPPERWARE CONTAINER.

                            AZMAT (CONT'D)
               Biryani. For your trip. Your favorite.
               She made it herself specially for you
               with extra potatoes.

                            KUMAIL
               Thank you Ma.

      Kumail looks to the car. Sharmeen is in the backseat.
      She averts her gaze when she sees him looking at her.

                              KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               Is she okay?

                            AZMAT
               Right now? No.

                            KUMAIL
               I'll miss you.

                            AZMAT
               I am forbidden from hugging you. So. It
               was nice to have you as my son. Goodbye
               forever. And do me a favor, when you
               reach New York, just text us and tell
               us that you've reached safely, okay?
112


      Kumail nods.

                             KUMAIL
                Dad, can I ask you something? When you
                and Mom went on your first date, what
                movie did you see?

                             AZMAT
                      (thinks, then)
                Satte pe Satta.

      Azmat hums a snippet of a song from the movie.

                             AZMAT (CONT'D)
                Her favorite song. Why are you asking?

                             KUMAIL
                Just curious.

      Azmat nods and heads back to the car. He gets in and
      drives off. Kumail gets in the car with CJ and Mary and
      they drive off.



      EXT. NEW YORK CITY - NIGHT - WEEKS LATER

      Shots of NYC.



      INT. UNION HALL - BROOKLYN - NIGHT

      Kumail performs comedy in front of a room full of NEW
      YORK HIPSTERS. He's killing. CJ and Mary are there too.
      Kumail takes a sip of water.

                             KUMAIL
                So the first time I came to America, I
                was fourteen and I was just visiting my
                uncle in New York and it just happened
                to be Thanksgiving. On my first day in
                America, my uncle took me to the Macy's
                Thanksgiving Day Parade and I was like,
                this is every day in America! As
                advertised. Every day they have a party
                celebrating Garfield. No day has lived
                up to that day. So I was lying to my
                parents, I was telling them I was gonna
                be a lawyer. And they're very
                disappointed cause they wanted me to be
                a doctor. And you guys are like, why
                didn't you just tell them that you
                wanted to be a doctor?
                             (MORE)
113

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
               It's a lie anyway. And I'm like, well it
               has to be believable. If I told them I
               want to be a doctor, they'd be like,
               "bullshit." If I say lawyer, they're
               like, "oh, ok, that's something." Cause
               there's a strict hierarchy: doctor,
               engineer, lawyer, hundreds of jobs,
               ISIS, then comedian.

      A very loud WHOOOOO emanates from the crowd. Kumail
      looks out to the crowd to see Emily, beaming at him. He
      is taken aback.

                            KUMAIL (CONT'D)
                     (stumbling)
               Uhh. I'm sorry. It's very rude to
               heckle comedians.

                            EMILY
               Oh that wasn't a heckle. I just kind of
               woo-hooed you.

                            KUMAIL
               Well see that's a common misconception.
               Heckling doesn't have to be negative.

                            EMILY
               So if I was like, oh my god, you're
               amazing in bed! That would be a heckle?

                            KUMAIL
               Yeah, and now you're getting more laughs
               than me, and I don't like that. Do you
               want to come up, do my job? Are you from
               out of town, m'am?

                            EMILY
               Chicago.

                            KUMAIL
               Ooh Windy City. And what brings you to
               New York?

                            EMILY
               I'm here to see someone.

                            KUMAIL
               And have you seen him? Or her, I mean I
               don't know what your deal is.

                            EMILY
               Yeah, I've seen him.

      They smile at each other.
114


      THE END

Big Sick, The



Writers :   Emily V. Gordon  Kumail Nanjiani
Genres :   Comedy  Drama  Romance


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