THE BIG SICK
Emily V. Gordon & Kumail Nanjiani
We hear audience laughter.
ANDY DODD (V.O.)
Give it up for my man, Mr. Kumail
Hello. I grew up in Pakistan. And people
are always asking me, what was that like?
Really not that different from here. I
mean we played cricket, which is just a
spicier version of baseball. And we
prayed a lot. Well not a lot, just five
times a day. And we marry someone our
parents find for us. Arranged marriage,
you know. For me, it was probably that we
got episodes of the A-Team a little bit
later. And by a little bit later, I mean
we just got episode two. But other than
that, it was exactly the same.
A CREDIT SEQUENCE PLAYS.
Kumail drives an Uber around Chicago with VARIOUS
PASSENGERS in the backseat.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - PRESENT DAY - NIGHT
Kumail walks into the comedy club as MARY is doing a set
on stage. CHRIS intercepts Kumail as he walks backstage.
There's no bad crowds dude. Only bad
You complain about the crowd like all
Yeah, but that's when they're really bad.
So like ninety percent of the time,
they're really bad?
Will you just watch and give me notes
tonight? If we both give each other
notes, I think it would be helpful.
Your notes are just to add more "fucks"
into the bit.
Fuck's a funny word. Soft on the top and
it's hard on the end.
Mary walks off the stage and sits on the couch next to
That was truly horrible.
Hey, that was great.
No, he didn't even crack a smile. I
thought I was gonna puke.
Who's Bob Dalaban?
Bob Dalavan - works for the Montreal
Comedy Festival, you fuckin' doof.
Don't you want to get noticed? Move to
LA? Hang out with Elijah Wood and shit.
ANDY DODD, the coked-up emcee, appears out of the
No one's on stage?
Dodd rushes on stage.
He might have been doing cocaine.
Was he doing cocaine recreationally?
A true cokehead.
Dodd jumps up on stage.
Now before I bring up the next guy, you
guys know tonight is Jell-o Shot
Tuesday! Whooo!! And we all know what
happens after eight Jell-o shots. We
urinate all over ourselves and puke.
Okay, so I'm going to bring up the next
comic. You know this man.
Chris slaps his own face.
Confidence. Poise. Smile.
Give it up for Mister Chris Jones!
Chris walks on stage.
He's like if a serial killer fucked an
He's like Daniel Day Lewis except he
Just bought a laser printer. Printed
out like six lasers so far.
CJ, Kumail, and Mary watching Chris' set. Andy Dodd
Hey Dodd. Dalavan's in the crowd
tonight. Could I do ten?
No. Five minutes. You put out chairs,
you get five minutes. You know the
C'mon man. I'll double it up next time.
Dodd walks back into the bathroom.
What are you gonna do in there?
I'm making up next week's schedule.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER
CJ is on stage crushing it. Kumail and Mary watch from
I was in bed with my girlfriend and I was
trying to mansplain to her that, you
know, we are on one little rock orbiting
a star in a galaxy of a billion stars in
a universe full of a billion galaxies, so
I forgot your birthday. Who gives a shit?
You are cosmically over reacting to this.
Honestly you are being super selfish.
You're right, but you're selfish.
Kumail looks out at the crowd. Dalavan enjoys CJ's set.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER
Kumail puts a RECORDER on his stool, presses RECORD and
starts his set.
Hey! Have you guys heard of this new drug
cocktail called cheese? I saw these news
reports so I looked up what cheese is and
cheese is a mixture. Cheese is Tylenol PM
and heroin. So really, it's heroin.
Heroin's doing the heavy lifting. Just do
the heroin, it's very powerful. You
already have heroin.
Kumail looks to see if Bob Dalavan is laughing. He's not
there. He's in the back talking to CJ. Fuck.
Is Pakistan in the house?!
O.S. A WOMAN "Woo-hoos!" Kumail looks out at the crowd
and sees EMILY, late 20's, white with a streak of blue
in her hair. She sits at a table with a few friends.
You're not from Pakistan. I would have
Crowded bar scene after the show. Kumail, Chris, Mary
and CJ hang out at the bar.
He just gave you Montreal? Like you
don't have to showcase or audition or
It was too easy. Like I wanted to
struggle. I wanted a story to be able
to tell on talk shows and instead,
like, you guys don't know how hard it
is not to struggle. It's a struggle
Did he say anything about me?
What about me?
Both of you. He said, those guys
I truly hate you, actually.
We all hate you.
Kumail walks over to Emily and her friend JESSIE, talks
loud over the music.
Um, my name is Kumail.
Yeah. We know.
We saw you perform.
Yeah. Now that the niceties are out of
the way, I have to tell you that when
you yelled at me, it threw me off. You
really shouldn't heckle comedians. It's
I didn't heckle you. I just woo-hooed
you. It was supportive.
Okay, that's a common misconception.
Yelling anything at a comedian is
considered heckling. Heckling doesn't
have to be negative.
So if I yelled out "You're amazing in
bed," that would be a heckle?
Yeah. It'd be an accurate heckle.
Jessie walks away.
Don't go! You scared my friend off now.
What's your name?
Kumail writes Emily's name in Urdu on a napkin.
I want to show you something, Emily.
This is your name in Urdu.
Emily picks up the napkin, looks at it.
Whoa. Does this move work?
I've had some minor success with it.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR BAR - LATER
Emily and Kumail are still at the bar.
So you came to a comedy show with your
Yeah, we're all grad students at U of
What are you studying at grad school?
I study psychology. I'm going to be a
Oh so you're gonna sit on a couch and
ask people, "how did that make you
Eventually. Right now I'm doing field
work with a group of guys convicted of
Cheers to that.
Oh wow. No, don't cheers to that. To
you becoming a therapist.
Great. To me getting my masters. We'll
start there and then we'll go to the
rest of it.
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - LATER
Kumail and Emily walk in. It's a typical bachelor pad
boy house. Milk crates for furniture, mess everywhere,
no art on the walls. Chris is sitting on the couch
So my roommate Chris is probably on the
couch. He's going to try and start a
conversation. So no matter what- do not
engage. Okay? Let's go.
Emily and Kumail walk by Chris avoiding eye contact.
Kumail closes the bedroom door behind him.
Good for him.
INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS
Kumail's bed is an inflatable air mattress. There are
Do you want to watch a movie?
Sure. Should I just, put my stuff down?
Yeah, I would say it's safe. You know
what, go for that area. I cleaned that
earlier this year.
Kumail points to a corner of his room covered in dirty
Should I take my shoes off or is this a
shoes on bed?
No, it's a shoes off bed. I have strict
Emily crawls onto the air mattress.
Oh wow. That's totally an inflated
Yeah. Did you think it would be a flat
I did think it might be an actual
Well air mattresses are actual
mattresses. You're being bigoted towards
air based comfort items.
Kumail picks up the remote and turns on the TV. Night of
the Living Dead is playing.
Night of The Living Dead?
Sure, I haven't ever seen that movie.
Okay, so basically the dead start rising.
And the good guys, um...
They eye each other flirtatiously. Laugh. Lean in and
INT. KUMAIL'S LIVING ROOM
Chris hits the Siri button on his iPhone.
Text Lauren. You up girl?
What do you want to say to Warren?
Ah, no. Fuck.
Chris hits the Siri button again.
What do you want to say to-
You up? Period. Send.
That may be beyond my abilities at the
INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kumail and Emily post-coital.
What are these scars?
Oh, they're a smallpox vaccination.
I thought only old people had those.
Well I'm from Pakistan. We're still
fighting some battles you guys have
What were you like in high school? Were
you like, super funny? Were you really
I was very shy. They called me
What is that?
It roughly translates to "dweeb." I'll
show you a picture.
Kumail flips through his phone and produces his old high
school photo, shows it to her.
Of you in high school? Oh my god!
And I'm thinking I'm killing it right
What inspired this hair cut?
Oh no. And you're so serious.
I read in an interview with Hugh Grant,
he said he doesn't smile because it
makes his face look fat. So I didn't
smile in pictures for many years. What
were you like in high school? Were you
voted... Most Sexy?
No. I was voted "Most Noticeable."
No. It's really not good. I had acne,
and I was a Goth and I had this
terrible perm. The kids called me
Beetlejuice. I don't know why. Actually
I do know why, it's because they
thought I looked like Beetlejuice. I
think I'm done with this subject. In
fact, I think I'm gonna go home.
Emily gets up, pulling the blanket with her to hide her
body. Kumail holds onto it, stopping her progress.
Wait we haven't even had sex again yet.
She tugs the blanket, he lets go. She dresses behind it.
No. No. I'm really not that kind of
girl. I only have sex once on a first
date. Plus a hand job.
Well I haven't had that yet!
You don't get that because you made fun
What is happening right now? What are you
I'm changing under this blanket.
I've seen everything. Do you remember, we
were just having sex?
Yeah, but you were in the throes of
passion then. Listen, I had a really nice
time. Thank you very much. I'm just gonna
call an Uber and go home.
Emily pulls out her PHONE, calls an Uber. Kumail's phone
makes a noise. They exchange a look.
Your driver will be ready as soon as he
puts on his pants.
Were you available for rides while we
Yeah, but I only looked a couple of
INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - LATER
Kumail Ubers Emily home. Emily sits in the back.
So. Maybe I'll run into you at the club
sometime and we can grab a drink?
I'm not really - I know this sounds
like a line - but I'm not really dating
right now. I have a lot of school and
work and just a lot on my plate.
That's perfect because I'm not really
dating right now either. I actually
have a pretty strict two-day rule where
I can't see someone more than two days
in a row. So since we hung out for two
days, if I were to see you again, which
I won't because you're not dating, I'm
not dating, I wouldn't be able to see
you until Monday.
We haven't hung out for two days. We've
hung out for about five hours. Just to
like, be totally clear.
Yesterday and today. Cause it's after
midnight, today is actually tomorrow.
Earlier tonight was yesterday. So two
You see, I don't date time nerds, so that
really takes you off the table.
That works out, because I am a hard
core time nerd.
Yeah, I can tell.
I'm like, very strict about AM/PM
So wait, just to establish, what did we
We decided we aren't ever going to see
each other again.
Great. I'm glad we're on the same page.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS DINING ROOM - BRUNCH
Kumail is eating brunch with his father, AZMAT, his
mother SHARMEEN, his brother, NAVEED, and his sister-in-
Look at these jeans, Kumi. They're from
Citizens of Humanity, that's the
brand's name. Touch them. They're so
I don't want to touch your jeans.
They're like sweatpants. You should be
stylish like your father. It's not very
difficult. Just observe me.
Get some Daddy Style.
Kumi, why don't you grow a beard? Not
like Naveed's, just a small one.
Maybe like mine, small and stylish.
Kumi, I've been thinking, you know, why
you don't enroll for LSAT now?
Yeah sorry, Ma. I haven't done it yet.
I like that you bring it up as though
you've never brought it up before.
How's the stand-up coming Bhai?
It's going fine.
Since when are you someone to stand-up?
You know who I think should stand up is
Malala. She has something to say.
She does open mics and she crushes. Lot
of ethnic material, which I think is a
crutch, and that one story gets a lot of
play, but -
You should be on that show Saturday Night
That's a great idea. I should e-mail
them, I don't know why I hadn't thought
You know, I hacked into your Cousin
Rehan's Facebook account-
You hacked into it?
Yeah, they were not accepting my friend
request so I had to hack into it and I
discovered he and that white woman he is
living with are having a baby -
Yeah, whatever. And then I hacked into
Tumblr and I discovered that they named
him Davé. Can you imagine?
Dave. It's probably Dave.
Ah, Dave. Yes, Dave.
Very, very, very sad. No one is going to
visit that baby. That baby, mark my
words, will grow up without a family.
It's like he's dead. Or worse.
It's very sad. Kumi, go pray now so we
can eat ice cream. Go! The ja-namaz is
Hurry up yaar. Ice cream.
Kumail leaves the room.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS BASEMENT- DAY
Kumail sets his stop watch for five minutes. He unfolds
a FOLDED UP PRAYER MAT, stands beside it, looks on his
phone. Kumail's stopwatch goes off. He folds up his mat.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS DINING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER
Kumail is back. Everyone is eating ice cream.
My mother used to make best kulfi. Your
I think ice cream is better than kulfi.
Oh. I wonder who that could be?
Sharmeen goes to the door.
I'm guessing it's a young, single
Pakistani woman who just happened to be
driving by our house, which is in a cul-
de-sac and I'm also guessing that the
phrase "dropped in" will be said in the
next ten seconds.
Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven -
Sharmeen enters with a dressed up, pretty Pakistani girl
Everyone. This is Zubeida. She just
Wa alaikum salaam.
Zubeida sits next to Kumail and hands him a HEADSHOT.
Here, Kumail. For your files. Your X-
Files. Because that's your favorite
Thank you so much.
The truth is out there!
Nervous laughter all around.
It's from the show. Thank you.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE - LATER
Sharmeen and Kumail are seeing Zubeida out.
I hope you come back.
Zubeida exits, Sharmeen looks at Kumail expectantly.
Kumi, there's not going to be a magic
spark, okay? You have to work at it. You
have to stay open.
Okay, Ma, yeah. I just wish you were
better at it, you know?
I mean you've had so much practice and
you're still not that good at it!
Ha. Ha. Ha.
You brought your A-game with Naveed, but
then with me, you're kind of just phoning
it in a little bit.
Again with the comedy, the comedy. All
the time with the comedy. Be serious!
I am serious! That's why I want to help
you get better!
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - LATER
Kumail puts the HEADSHOT in the cigar box with a bunch
of other pictures of Pakistani women.
INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - LATER
Kumail drives Emily. She is in the back seat again.
So, are you ever going to let me sit in
the front seat?
No, I'm a professional. And you're paying
for this ride.
I don't want to pay for this ride! It's
surging right now.
Yeah, sorry. You shouldn't have typed in
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - LATER
Emily and Kumail on the couch in front of the TV.
Okay. The year is 1969. MGM has had a
string of failures. So, it turns to its
most bankable star, Vincent Price.
Is this your compatibility test? Like,
the way people are with Vonnegut or The
No! Just watch the movie. And take it
I'm going to love it. I love it when men
test me on my taste.
I just want to share this movie with you,
so I don't know why you're reading into-
How many women have you shown this movie
How many women have you shown a B Horror
movie to on like, a third date.
This is not a B horror movie.
Okay, you ready? Just close your eyes
cause when the menu comes up, there's
some spoilers in the menu.
I'm ready, I'm ready!
Ok, I'll hit play.
LATER, Kumail checks out Emily's reaction, she doesn't
seem into it.
Shhhhhh! Watch this part.
Stop watching me!
No! Are you tired? We can watch it later.
I just have that weird yawning thing that
happens, when you're watching a really
It's not boring! Wait for it to kick in.
The plot kicks in really soon.
LATER, Kumail and Emily make out. In the background,
Vincent Price exacts his revenge.
EXT. EMILY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
Kumail walks Emily to her front door.
That was fun. Thanks for the ride home,
but we gotta stop doing this.
I know I've said that before, but I
really do mean it. I can't be doing this
I know. Totally. One hundred percent. I
agree with you.
So don't call me again.
I won't. I promise.
Good luck on all your future endeavors.
Oh yeah, thank you. Hey, can we have an
awkward hug before we part forever?
Kumail goes in for an awkward hug.
Emily goes inside. Kumail calls her immediately. She
answers and they talk to each other through the door.
You just promised never to call me
It's really cold out here. It's so
You make a pretty good point.
She opens the door, Kumail goes in.
It's a lot warmer in here.
It is warmer in here.
You know, it's really nice upstairs.
SONG PLAYS... "FALLING IN LOVE" MONTAGE
- EMILY'S APARTMENT - Emily is reading the DSM-V on the
couch with her legs draped over Kumail while he listens
to his stand-up set, taking notes. Emily plays footsie
with Kumail. They both laugh.
-- KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE. Kumail's family is eating
dinner. The doorbell rings and Sharmeen stands up to get
-- KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - Kumail puts another HEADSHOT in
the cigar box along with the other pictures of Pakistani
-- KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE. Kumail's family is having
dinner. The doorbell rings again.
-- KUMAIL'S APARTMENT. Another HEADSHOT goes into the
-- KUMAIL'S APARTMENT. Kumail and Emily snuggle in bed.
-- EMILY'S APARTMENT. Emily and Kumail play footsie on
-- KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE. Kumail is mid-sip of water
when he hears the doorbell ring.
-- KUMAIL'S APARTMENT. Another headshot into the cigar
INT. TRIPLE DOOR BAR - LATER
Emily with Kumail and his friends: CJ and Mary.
Emily, has Kumail told you that in
addition to being an Uber driver he
also has a one-man show?
No, he did not tell me that. Do you
It's really nothing. It's just
something I'm fiddling around with.
How is a one man show different from
It's really not.
There's lots of wigs and costume
There's a lot of acting in it.
And then like at the end of it, you've
got this very awkward conversation where
you go, "I really liked it."
But I thought you really liked it!
I really liked it.
I can't wait to see the show.
You will never see the show...
You have to see the show.
You have to see it.
It's not ready.
You will love the acting.
They're fucking with you. It's not
really like that.
Are they fucking with me or you? It
seems like they're fucking with you.
INT. PLAYGROUND THEATER - STAGE - NIGHT
Tiny theater, sparsely attended (Emily, her friend
JESSIE, Mary and CJ). On stage is a kid's room. A NINJA
TURTLES POSTER, a PRAYER MAT.
I'm twelve years old. This...this is
home. Feels like I never left. Do you
smell that? That's my mom cooking the
Murgh Roghen Joash.
(quietly, in the audience)
Do you hear that? That's my father
watching cricket on the telly. Do you
feel that? That's the weight of
TIME CUT TO:
A MAP OF PAKISTAN is behind Kumail.
Pakistan was formed when it separated
from its biggest rival, India, on
August 14th 1947.
TIME CUT TO:
Kumail now wears CRICKET PADS & holds a BAT.
TIME CUT TO:
Kumail pulls up a diagram of a cricket field.
Silly Mid On, Short Mid Wicket,
Midwicket, Deep Mid Wicket, Mid On, Long
On, Long Off...
CJ stretches in the audience.
(quietly, from the audience)
I have to leave as soon as the show's
over. I can't stay.
Emily nods in understanding.
So if you get a Silly Mid On fielder, you
know you're getting a Yorker soon.
TIME CUT TO:
Return to the MAP OF PAKISTAN
So to review, Pakistan's biggest exports
are cotton and...
TIME CUT TO:
Kumail wears a SHALWAR KURTA.
Eid Mubarak. That's our Christmas.
Except instead of the traditional
Christmas ham, we serve Mitthai, which
my khansama Chris will serve to you
right now. Khansama is Urdu for
Chris hands out WHITE SUGARY CHALKY CUBES from a tray.
If you'd like to make it at home, the
main ingredients are condensed milk,
sugar, and love. At least, that was my
(quietly, to Chris)
Hey, you look like a children's toy from
Now all rise for the Pakistani national
All stand with their hand over their hearts as Kumail
INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER
Emily meets Kumail backstage. She wears a SWEATSHIRT
with BRAINS on it.
Hey! So? What did you think?
Um, I thought it was great.
I never knew that Pakistan had the
world's largest irrigation system.
Yeah. Something like 14 million
hectares are being irrigated. As soon
as I read that I was like "oh, that's
going in the show."
CJ and Mary appear behind them.
Hey, that was... You were in the zone,
man. That was the best one we've seen.
Yeah, that was so honest and good.
And you know what I realized halfway
through? You're from Pakistan! Good to
see you Emily!
Keep up the-
They seem to like it.
They're so nice.
So, really what did you think? You know,
it's a work in progress...
I really liked it. I learned a lot.
About Pakistan, and cricket. All those
positions. But I just wish that I
learned more about you. Does that make
INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT
Kumail is asleep. EMILY is awake. She looks over at
Kumail, and very silently, guiltily, crawls out of bed.
INT. KUMAIL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Emily sneaks past Chris who is passed out on the couch
and goes into the bathroom.
INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Emily looks around Kumail's bedroom for something.
She starts putting her clothes on. Kumail wakes up.
It's 3 AM.
Is that diner around the corner open?
It's 24 hours. Why? You want an old
lemon meringue pie?
You're so funny! Actually, no, I
just...I really need to get a cup of
I can make you coffee.
I love diner coffee. That burnt taste.
All right, I'll come with you.
No, no! Why would you do that?
It's a bad neighborhood. I'm not gonna
let you go on your own.
Why cause I'm a woman? Seriously, that's
the most misogynist thing I've ever
Why are you being so weird?
Fuck you, I'm not being weird.
You're being so weird.
Fuck you. You're being weird! You're
being so weird!
How am I weird? I want to sleep while
it's sleep time.
This is normal. Girls go to get coffee
in the middle of the night. Have you
never had a girlfriend before? This is
what it's like.
Are you okay?
Everything is not okay. Everything is
You can tell me anything, you know that
right? You can tell me anything.
I have to take a shit, okay? I have to
take a huge fucking dookie. I can't
take a poo in your bathroom because you
don't have any matches and you don't
have any air freshener. What kind of
person doesn't have any matches or air
freshener in the bathroom? The walls
are so thin! And Chris is right out
Kumail starts laughing.
Please stop laughing! Please, please.
Okay, I have an idea.
EXT. KUMAIL'S HOUSE- MOMENTS LATER
Kumail sits on the stoop outside. After a beat, Emily
sheepishly walks out and sits next to him.
How are you?
I do not want to talk about it.
INT. BATTING CAGES - DAY
Naveed fully geared up: batting helmet, gloves, elbow
pad, eye-black. Kumail behind the backstop, watching.
Watch and learn, Bhai. It's all about
shifting weight and torque.
A BALL ZINGS at Naveed, he misses completely.
Another ball zings. Misses again.
You're like a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.
An 8-year old KID in a cage nearby cracks a clean hit.
Hey he's pretty good. Just do what
Naveed throws down his bat and exits the cage.
INT. BATTING CAGE SNACK SHACK - LATER
Kumail and Naveed eat from tiffins & ramekins. They fork-
fight over their meal.
These cookies are really good.
They're biscuits! Listen to yourself.
You hardly sound Pakistani. "Cookies"?
You sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
You're such a burger.
I'm not a burger.
Yes, you are. You're a big fat burger.
I'm not a burger and biscuit is actually
a British term.
Well thank you for that information
that no one gives a shit about and you
should listen to mom and grow a beard.
It gets really itchy, I've tried. It's
Try being a man and conditioning like I
What's the whole thing with Muslims
growing beards anyway? It's such an
arbitrary thing. Like who decided that?
Oh, we have to have beards.
Yeah. There are a billion of us and you
are the only one with the truth. Is
that right? The sun is just shining
down on you right now. It's just
parting like "ahh".
You know, I have to tell you something,
Here we go. Yeah?
I've been dating this girl.
I thought you were going to say you were
involved in a hit and run or you got
caught forging some checks. But a WHITE
GIRL? Such a cliche.
A white family stares in their direction.
It's okay! We hate terrorists!
Listen. I understand. You're in
America. You wanna mow a few lawns and
see what it's like. But eventually you
have to marry a Pakistani girl. Like I
hung out with other girls. But then I
married Fatima. We hardly spoke two
words to each other the first few
months! But now, Kumi, she's like my
best friend. You have to break up with
If I find someone who's as good for me
as Fatima is for you, Mom would
understand, right? I mean, she wouldn't
love me less?
She would definitely love you less.
Slowly, you'd sort of -- what's the
word when guys stop returning girls'
You have to end it now or Mom will
fucking ghost you.
Naveed gets up.
Now come on.
He exits, leaving Kumail alone at the table.
INT. GRAD PARTY - LATER
Kumail and Emily are sipping wine out of plastic cups.
I'm getting a lot of bright fruit. I'd
say it's very fruit forward.
Uh huh. It tastes like grape juice
that's gone bad. How do you know so
much about wine?
Um, because, I was pretty unhappy in my
first marriage and I drank a lot and
one way to cover drinking is to know a
lot about wine.
I'm sorry wait, what did you say?
That knowing a lot about wine sort of
covers for drinking a lot.
No, the huge piece of information
you're trying to blow right past.
Yeah. I was married.
You were married?
I was. I was married. Do you want to
talk about something else?
Yeah, cause I don't really have any
questions other than...when did you get
married? When did you get divorced?
What's his name? How tall is he? Did
you love him? I guess I have a couple
Uh huh. His name was, is Ryan. We met in
college. Everyone I knew was getting
married super young, so we did. And one
day I was at a restaurant and I saw
this couple making out and I thought "I
don't think about my husband like that,
but I guess that's okay" and then
another part of my brain was like "NO
IT'S NOT OKAY THIS IS YOUR LIFE". I
feel like this is freaking you out.
Does this freak you out?
It's not freaking me out.
I don't wanna put pressure on you. And I
know it's only been a few months.
But I just wanted to tell you that I am
completely overwhelmed by you. It's the
last thing I was expecting.
This is also the last thing I was
expecting and I also feel completely
overwhelmed by you.
That's a weird thing to say.
Why? I just said what you said. Exactly
what you said.
Yeah, but it wasn't weird when I said
it. It's okay.
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Emily watches Kumail sleep.
INT. TRADER JOE'S - NIGHT
Kumail and Emily grocery shop.
So listen, my parents are coming to
town this weekend. Maybe you wanna come
Oh, we can't because of the two-day rule,
right? You'll come to Mary's party
Friday night and then you'll probably
spend the night. So I won't be able to
see you until Monday, so...
Okay. Well, I would love to meet your
parents. They live in the city, right?
Well, they live in the suburbs. You
know, I don't really see them very
Have they asked about me? What do they
think? Do they want to meet me? My
parents want to meet you.
Of course, of course. They're dying to
Ow... oh my god..
Are you okay? What happened?
Do you need assistance?
I think I just tweaked my ankle. I took
this stupid hip hop dance class last
You should get it looked at. Do you want
Look, I'm walking on it. I'm totally
Can I get you a bag of ice? I can carry
you? I can carry you the rest of the day?
Kumail, seriously, stop.
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING
Emily is eating cereal in bed. Kumail is in the kitchen
Hey, I liked your friends. That Craig
guy or was it Greg?
I can never tell with those names. I'm
glad I like him cause I don't want to
have to come up with excuses to avoid
him, you know. Like, oh no, I have
kite surfing tonight.
Emily opens the cigar box and sees the headshots of the
women. She flips through them.
KUMAIL (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Did you know in the UK it's pronounced
"Crayg". Which is good because that's
actually how it's written, right? He's
a "Crate" guy.
(sees her with the box)
I was going to tell you about that.
Are you like judging Pakistan's Next
Top Model or something? Seriously, who
are these women?
You know how we have arranged marriage
in my culture? These are those women.
These are women in Pakistan who want to
They're not in Pakistan.
You've met these women?
Just with my parents. We haven't like -
You're not serious about this, are you?
It's my mom's thing, I just go along with
So what does your mom think about you and
She doesn't know about me, does she?
Emily storms out of the bedroom.
INT. KUMAIL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Fucking five months of red flags. Oh my
god, I'm so stupid. You ducking my
parents. Oh my god, the two day rule!
Seriously, red flag after red flag.
Such a liar!
Emily storms back into the bedroom.
INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS
You lie to me. You lie to your parents.
And those are just the people you like!
Is there someone that you're not lying
to? I'd love to meet them, cause then I
could tell them what a fucking liar you
You didn't tell me about your being
divorced until recently. You were
hiding fucking something too!
My divorce does not mean our future is
impossible. It actually means the
direct opposite. I'm not hiding
anything from you. Okay? I'm an open
fucking book. You wanna know what's in
my cigar box? Stickers. Stickers and
Aren't you a therapist? Aren't you
supposed to be good at handling these
types of things.
Where are my fucking shoes?
Aren't you supposed to be handling this
better than you are right now?
I'm expressing myself!
Emily storms back out of the bedroom.
INT. KUMAIL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
She grabs her shoes.
You know what we call "arranged
marriage" in my culture, Emily?
Marriage! Okay? We just call it
marriage. There's another type of
marriage that's called "love marriage"
and that's bad. My cousin Rehan married
an Irish woman and he was kicked out of
the family! And nobody is allowed to
talk to him.
Why didn't you tell me any of this?
Because I didn't think you'd fucking
understand and I was fucking right!
You don't think I could fathom your life
in any fucking way?
I'm fighting a fourteen hundred year
old culture! You were ugly in high
school! There's a big fucking
I'm sorry. I can't lose my family.
Can you imagine a world where we end up
I don't know.
I have to go. Don't fucking call me.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE- LATER
Kumail has family dinner with another Pakistani girl.
Multi-grain, pumpernickel, pita bread,
hot dog buns, croutons..I can't eat any
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER
Sam is on stage.
I don't want kids. People say, Sam,
you're gonna love it. You're gonna have a
kid and he's gonna be your best friend.
A best friend that pukes on you and shits
everywhere, and is constantly screaming.
I already have friends like that. People
Kumail sits with CJ backstage.
I know you're bummed. Look, Emily's a
good person, I'm not saying she's not.
All I'm saying is this is the universe
telling you: seize your moment. Be a
little selfish and pursue your career.
Bob Dalavan's gonna be here on
Thursday. If you book the Montreal
Comedy Festival, it would change things
for you. You don't wanna get stuck in
Chicago, right? You don't wanna be like
Sam Highsmith. He's been doing the
"people say Sam" bit since '03.
They look at Sam on stage.
People say, Sam...
Is that what you want?
It's amazing. It's the same material.
What do people say?
People say what?
I'm Sam Highsmith. Thank you very much!
Sam exits the stage.
I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell him
how I actually feel about it.
Great set, dude!
CJ fistbumps Sam.
Love the new stuff!
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE- NIGHT
The family is in the living room with, KHADIJA, another
I wouldn't really call it an obsession
but... I'm pretty good at magic.
Can you make his belly disappear?
No, I'm too happy with my belly.
Does anyone have a dollar?
I will give you something.
Azmat hands her a bill.
20? Big spender. Andrew Jackson? Don't
you think he'd look cool with sunglasses?
She draws a pair of sunglasses on top of Andrew
Jackson's head, and folds the bill.
We sprinkle the magic dust on.
Khadija makes a sprinkling motion with her fingers over
the folded up bill.
Yeah, you can't do it without the magic
Yeah, I need it. All right...
She snaps her fingers.
Ok. Watching carefully -
Khadija unfolds the bill. Andrew Jackson is now wearing
That is amazing! And he does look
better with glasses!
How did you do that?
Oh no, a magician never reveals her
tricks. Here's your twenty back, Mr.
Do you think I could use this twenty
dollar bill to buy something?
It looks better now, right?
Kumail shares a look with Sharmeen.
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT INT.
Kumail puts Khadija's headshot in the cigar box.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - SATURDAY NIGHT
Kumail does stand-up.
I was watching this monster movie with my
friend and he turned to me and was like,
"what would you do in that situation?"
I'm never going to be one of the last
guys alive. I'm going to be the first guy
to die. I die so the other characters get
to find out something weird is going on.
I go off alone to find the cat.
Kumail sees Bob Dalavan at a table with CJ. Dalavan
listens to Kumail's set and seems into it.
I never even find out that there were
monsters. To me, the plot of the movie
was "we're at a research facility and the
cat's missing." The end.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER THAT NIGHT
Kumail talks to a DENISE, writes her name on a napkin in
URDU. Chris and Mary are nearby.
Denise. This is your name in Urdu.
Wow, that is so cool.
Bob Dalavan approaches.
Kumail? Hey, Bob Dalavan.
Yeah, I know you.
You had some very interesting premises in
your set tonight.
I just wanted you to know that you made
the finals for the Montreal Showcase.
Oh my god. Thank you.
You too, Mary. Congrats.
So we'll see you guys up there. We'll
be in touch.
What about C-Dog?
Um, me. What about me?
You know, funny stuff, okay?
Do you wanna go somewhere?
Yeah, let's go somewhere.
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Kumail asleep in his bed, DENISE is asleep next to him.
C.U. CELLPHONE ringing. "UNKNOWN CALLER" blinks on the
screen. KUMAIL stirs awake.
Kumail. It's Jessie.
Jessie. I'm in school with Emily.
Listen, Emily is in the hospital.
Kumail jolts out of bed.
Could you just go, please? She needs
someone there. We have exams tomorrow
so nobody else can go.
Kumail fumbles to get dressed, as we CUT TO...
INT/EXT. KUMAIL'S CAR - LATER
Kumail drives in the middle of the night, empty streets.
She's still in the ER. Could you just go
and sit with her? I was there for as long
as I could, but it's a crazy time for all
EXT. CITY VIEW HOSPITAL - LATER
A MASSIVE HOSPITAL looms over a quiet residential area.
INT. CITY VIEW HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT
Kumail walks up to the reception desk.
Hi. I am looking for Emily Gardner. Um,
Emily Gardner? She was checked in...
A MAN is rolled in a stretcher by EMTs. The nurses run
INT. HOSPITAL - MOMENTS LATER
Kumail walks by curtained beds hearing screams, wailing,
moaning. He finally sees Emily in a bed, hooked up to
wires and monitors. She looks scared, a bit sedated.
What are you doing here?
Jessie called me and wanted me to make
sure you were okay. So how are you
Fine. Totally fine. Never been better.
A thousand percent fine. Just like
fainted a little at work. I didn't have
breakfast this morning.
Breakfast is the most important meal of
the day. You know that.
Ms. Gardner. Your room will be ready
Oh, no, actually I'd love to go home
and sleep in my own bed.
Sir, can you step outside a moment,
please? If you want to stay you have to
go to the security desk to get a pass.
Where is the security desk?
It's downstairs. Exactly where you walked
in. At the security desk.
The security desk is at the security
desk. Got it.
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - LATER
Emily is propped up. Kumail next to her. He has a badge.
Can I get you something? Water. Juice.
Emily is essentially passed out. Kumail isn't sure what
to do. NURSE JUDY brings in a doctor. DR. WRIGHT, 30s,
looks over at Kumail.
May I speak with you for a second?
I'll be right back.
INT. ICU ROOM HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS
Kumail follows Dr. Wright out to a busy hallway.
There is a massive infection in her
lungs. All her vitals are elevated.
Does she have HIV?
What? No. I mean she--
Are you her husband?
We need to intubate her immediately. I
need a family member to sign this. So
I'm going to ask you again. Are you her
What does "intubate" mean?
We have to put her on a respirator and
to do that we need to put her in a
medically induced coma.
Yes, to stabilize her so we can work on
the infection. And it needs to happen
right now. So, I'm going to ask you one
last time, are you her husband?
Kumail signs the forms.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Dr. Wright and Orderlies rush Emily down the hallway on
a GURNEY. Kumail runs with them. Trying to keep up.
What's going on?! Where are you taking
Emily disappears into an OR. Kumail watches DOCTORS and
NURSES descend on her. Nurse Judy puts her hand on his
You should call her family.
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM
Kumail, freaked out, stares at Emily, hooked up to
various wires on her arms and chest. He sees her purse
and digs out her iPhone. It's locked. He looks over at
He puts her finger on the phone. It unlocks.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Kumail scrolls down to PARENTS on Emily's phone and
dials. A WOMAN'S VOICE picks up, "Hello?"...
Hey, Mrs. Gardner? This is Kumail,
Emily's friend. I'm so sorry to be
calling you so late. Emily's fine.
Just want to get that taken care of.
She's fine. She is at City View
Hospital in Chicago in a medically
induced coma. But the doctors say that-
- Yes I did say coma.
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - LATER
Kumail sits in a chair looking at Emily who is hooked up
to a breathing machine.
He dozes off.
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM- NEXT MORNING
Kumail sleeps. He wakes up to a COUPLE sitting by
Emily's bed. TERRY, 50's, rumpled, BETH, 50's, put-
Hey. I'm Kumail.
We know who you are Kumail.
They're clearly tired, terrified. Nurse Judy enters.
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner. The doctors would
like to see you now.
(whispers, to Emily)
Be right back.
They leave. Kumail awkwardly follows them.
INT. BEREAVEMENT ROOM- MOMENTS LATER (SUNDAY MORNING)
Kumail, Terry, Beth sit. A waterfall coos. Meditations
on the wall: "Darkest Nights Produce The Brightest
Stars"; "Grief is love's unwillingness to let go", etc.
Listen, the doctor will be here any
minute. She's just running a little
late. Don't read anything into this
being in the bereavement room. It was
the only room we had available.
Okay. Thank you.
She exits. Terry nervously taps on his knees, annoying
Terry, Terry-- it's driving me insane.
I know, I know. But it makes me feel
The doctor walks in.
Beth and Terry stand to greet her.
DR. CUNNINGHAM (CONT'D)
Please sit. I'm Dr. Cunningham, Emily's
attending. I'll be coordinating all the
doctors and orchestrating her treatment
"All the doctors"? How many are there?
Five? Why so many? Is that normal?
Yes, it's standard with patients in the
ICU. We come at it from different
When we cut back it is a different person now. DR.
LEWIN. Terry, Kumail and Beth stay but the doctors
We immediately initiated orotracheal
intubation. Thankfully it hasn't affected
her heart at this point.
We don't know the exact nature of the
infection yet, but we've got her on a
broad spectrum of antibiotics.
...critical infections centering around
Our theory is methicillin-resistant
Hold on. Is staphylococcus with an "f"
or a "ph"?
MONTAGE of doctors babbling unintelligibly as Beth and
Terry visibly panic.
INT. WAITING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER
Terry, Beth, and Kumail sit, surrounded by: KIDS WITH
COLORING BOOKS, ADULTS WITH MAGAZINES, various CHARGERS
plugged into the wall. These are the PEOPLE WHO WAIT.
That was very reassuring, wasn't it?
Apparently, there are good and bad
comas. And the kind that they put her
in, the medically induced ones, are
definitely the good kind of coma.
Like you know how there are good and
bad carbs. Gremlins, those can be good
Listen, Kumail... We're gonna handle
things from here. You've been very
helpful. Thank you. For signing the
But you can go now.
Oh... okay... all right. Peace in the
He picks up his backpack and exits.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - BACKSTAGE - THAT NIGHT
Kumail, Mary, Chris, CJ, & Sam sit with notebooks open.
What about this? I saw a sniffer dog at
the airport get a boner. Does that mean
drugs or bombs?
That's good. What if instead of it being
at the airport, you quit comedy and never
did comedy ever again?
Fuck you. It's a good bit.
Just for the sake of the public. So they
wouldn't have to look at your face or
hear your words.
It's okay that I'm not there, right?
Like, I don't need to be there, right?
He put his girlfriend in a coma. You
know, the way you do.
He signed a paper that allowed doctors to
He suggested it.
She's gonna be fine. She's gonna be fine.
They said she's gonna be fine. Doctors
know medical stuff. That's what doctors
do. They're good at medical stuff. This
is a medically induced coma. This is
It might be a good thing. She might wake
up with a new skill. Like my cousin
blacked out once and when he came to, he
thought he knew a different language.
No, it was just gibberish that he made
up. It was brain damage.
CJ and Mary shake their heads. Kumail looks freaked out.
I got another Taco Bell one...
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM- MONDAY MORNING
Terry and Beth wait. Beth is sewing a shirt of Emily's.
Terry is pacing. Kumail walks up to them.
Did you forget something?
Is she up yet?
No, she's not. They won't tell us
anything. We've been here all morning.
I know you guys said you don't need me
to stay, but I think I'm just going to
You guys broke up. I'm not sure why
you're here. You don't have to worry
about being committed to anything,
Kumail. You didn't want to when she was
awake. There's no need to do it when
It's more complicated than that--
Is it? Because I know about the two-day
rule, I know about the headshots and the
secrets. She tells us everything.
You really don't have to stay Kumail. You
have already done a lot.
Kumail is speechless. After a beat of awkward quiet--
I'm just gonna stay for a second. Is this
Kumail gestures to the empty seat next to Beth, but she
throws her sewing on it and turns away.
Kumail walks to another row of seats and sits down,
facing Emily's parents. Beth watches him intensely for a
few beats before Kumail turns to the woman sitting next
Is that lady still looking at me?
INT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA- LATER
Kumail carries his tray, spots Terry and Beth together
having a hushed conversation. He sits at a different
table. Terry waves at him. Kumail heads over to them.
No reason you should eat there by
yourself. Right, hon?
(barely looks up)
It's a free country.
Kumail nods. Sits down. They eat. It's awkward.
How's your sandwich?
Best fuckin' sandwich I've ever had.
Mine's good. Tuna's always a gamble.
You know, we're not by the water. Well,
we are by the water, but it's a lake.
There's no tuna in the lake. Whatever.
I threw the dice. I got the 7's, I
guess. Whatever the good dice number
So, uh, 9/11?
Blank looks from Kumail and Beth.
No, I mean, I've always wanted to have a
conversation about it with...people.
You've never talked to people about 9/11?
No, uh, what's your stance?
What's my stance on 9/11? Oh, ummmm...
Anti. It was a tragedy.
I mean we lost 19 of our best guys.
That was a joke, obviously. 9/11 was a
terrible tragedy, and it's not funny to
joke about it.
Beth and Terry are PAGED on the intercom. They quickly
gather up their things and get up to leave.
Hey, can I come?
Terry gestures for Kumail to get up and follow them.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE- MOMENTS LATER
Kumail, Beth, Terry, and Dr. Cunningham.
I know this isn't the news you were
hoping for but we aren't ready to bring
Emily out of the coma yet.
The antibiotics aren't doing exactly
what we'd hoped they would, and we
don't want to mess around. So we're
going to perform surgery tomorrow
morning to remove the infection.
Wait a second- Dr. Spellman told us
that the antibiotics would work. He
didn't say anything at all about
What does that mean? What kind of
It's called thoracentesis, it's a very
common procedure. We're going to go in
between the ribs and remove the
(scribbling in his notebook)
How do you spell that please? Thora- ?
What's the last part?
And where is the infection?
On the lung.
What's the risk?
Low. My advice to you is that you go
home, you get something to eat, and try
INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - NIGHT
Kumail drives Beth and Terry. Everyone looks dazed.
EXT. EMILY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
Kumail helps Beth and Terry carry their luggage upstairs.
INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT- CONTINUOUS
They enter. Beth and Terry begin looking around.
She left the lights on, eh?
My favorite sweater.
Terry looks at Emily's bookshelf and pulls out a BOOK.
Beth puts the sweater on and takes her laptop out, sits
on the couch.
I'm gonna do some research.
Oh hey, that's the book I gave her.
No, I gave her that one. Hey, do you
have that little notebook from the
Terry hands her the notebook.
No, this is the book I gave her.
I'm just gonna clean up Emily's rooms
I remember. I met her at the falafel
place and then we went to that book store
that's hardly ever open and I bought it
You're not the only one who gives her
What's up with you?
I'm just tired of you thinking that
you're the only one who gives her things.
I gave her that book.
Look at the inscription.
No. That's stupid.
Beth shrugs and goes back to the computer. Terry looks at
the inscription, frowns, puts it back.
INT. EMILY'S BEDROOM- SAME
Kumail leaves the door open a crack. He sees in the
LIVING ROOM Terry and Beth are whisper-quarrelling.
He begins to clean. Pulls a MARIJUANA PIPE and BAG OF
WEED off the dresser and shoves it into the back of her
He notices the BRAINS SHIRT in the closet. He touches
it. We see a flashback of Emily wearing the sweatshirt.
He opens a cigar box on her dresser and pulls out
POLAROID pictures. They're of him and Emily. More
flashbacks of Emily.
Kumail, a bit startled, turns.
Sorry... Didn't mean to surprise you. I
was just wondering if we wanna do
anything. Got any parlor games...
I don't-what are parlor games?
Card games, word games. You play any word
No, I've never played-
You ever played You Can't Rhyme It?
How does that go?
It's basically where you try to find a
word, a real word, that nobody can rhyme.
Yeah, see you would win. That'd be a
I don't play board games. I play video
That's the thing. Everybody now needs
Nintendo, the game thing, electronics, a
thousand dollars. When I was a kid, a
piece of chalk and a pavement, that's
your entertainment. Hopscotch, tic tac
toe, throw the chalk at Jimmy. There you
go, three games right there.
Jimmy was a real guy?
Yeah, well there was no particular Jimmy,
whoever got hit with the chalk, he was
Kumail gets a call from Naveed on his phone. He ignores
I'm just trying to figure out what to do.
Kumail and Terry walk into the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Kumail and Terry walk back in. Beth is on her laptop.
Yeah, tonight's no good for me. I'd
love to, but I'm actually gigging
tonight, which is like an industry word
we use for when we do shows.
Yeah, there's a big Montreal Comedy
festival audition coming up, and I'm
actually headlining tonight.
Oh. That's cool. I haven't been to
comedy show since the 80's - Rita
Rudner at Caroline's. Remember that,
Christ. Pleural effusion and empyema, --
Maybe we should go to Kumail's show.
What do you think? Wouldn't that be
Oh my god. These pictures are horrible.
Okay listen, why don't we go to the
comedy club with him? It'll take our
mind off of things right now.
I don't want to get my mind off it,
Terry. Our daughter's having surgery
Please. I need the distraction.
Well then why don't you go?
No, I want you to come with me. I don't
wanna be alone.
All right. But I'm bringing my iPad.
Ah it's sold out. I should've said it
before you guys had the whole
discussion. It sold out super quickly.
They were shocked at how quickly it
But you can get us in? You're the
headliner, right? That's what you said.
I mean, if you're the headliner, you
can get two more in, right?
Kumail looks pained.
That's a good point.
We'll sit in the back. They got food
They've got waffle fries and um-
Kumail turns and begins to head out the door.
The hospital had waffle fries too.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE- SAME
Kumail's family sits with a young Pakistani woman
SUMERA. There's an empty chair where KUMAIL usually
I've actually never been to Pakistan. My
parents moved here for grad school and
they just stayed here. I've never even
been to Canada. So uh, when is Kumail
He's coming. Right, Naveed? Traffic?
I heard everything's bumper-to-bumper
on the Dan Ryan Expressway.
That's weird because I took the Dan
Ryan Expressway here.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - LATER
Chris is on stage performing.
What is your dad's sister's favorite kind
of music to dance to?
Kumail and Mary chat off to the side of the stage.
Emily's parents are here.
Auntz, auntz, auntz.
Is anybody here from out of town?
Terry claps. Beth barely pays attention. Chris focuses
A few, a few. What's your name, sir?
Terry. And who's this lady next to you?
Is it Cloth? A little Terry Cloth?
Backstage Kumail peers through the curtain, cringing.
Beth. Pretty close. Terry-Beth, where
are you guys from?
We're from North Carolina.
Ooh North Carolina. The Tar Heel State!
Home of Krispy Kreme donuts! And what
brings you to Chicago?
Our daughter's in a coma.
Chris tries to absorb that. He turns to another person
in the crowd.
Where are you from?
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS HOUSE- SAME
It's getting late, I should go.
She moves to get up, but Sharmeen and Azmat stop her.
No, I think I should call him up, I'll
just call him up.
Hello, Kumi-beta? What do you mean, who
is calling? This is your father. Ok, ok.
(he hangs up the phone)
He will be here any moment.
(to Naveed in Urdu)
I just faked that call. Did you call
A hundred times. No response.
I think I should make something clear.
I can understand what you're saying.
I thought you said you'd never been to
I said I'd never been there but we speak
it at home.
For someone who's never been to Pakistan
you speak Urdu very well.
Do you want to sing?
Azmat leads the group in song while Sumera reluctantly
claps alongside them.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR- LATER
Kumail on stage performing.
I want to name my kid Void so he won't be
able to cash any of his paychecks.
Beth and Terry watch from the audience, laughing.
I'm sorry, sir, this says Void on it. But
that's my name. Curse you, father!
I work on the second floor of the bank in
this fantasy scenario.
Go back to ISIS!
A hush over the crowd. Kumail not sure how to respond.
Toast is a really strange food.
What did you just say?
I said, he should go back to ISIS.
Toast is the only food that-
Well that's a really confusing
position. Do you want ISIS to have more
No I was saying that to him because...
Guess what everybody? We've got an ISIS
The crowd laughs.
Glad we got to the bottom of that.
Toast is like a-
What is it about him that made you say
I think we know what the answer is.
Lady I wasn't talking to you.
What is it about him?
We don't have to go down this path. We
know what's at the end of it.
Cuz of how he looks.
There it is.
That is like saying that all frat boys
wearing country club hats and Hawaiian
shirts have shriveled up, tiny little
The crowd reacts.
Actually, Beth, this is a bad way for
you to find out, but he's right. I
actually am a terrorist. I just do
stand-up comedy on the side to keep a
First of all, very clever. Did you write
that at home? Toast is-
No fuck you!
You're a bitch, you know that?
Beth jumps out of her seat and rushes towards the
Heckler. A man restrains her while she claws at him.
(being dragged out by
I'm gonna fucking kill you! What's your
fucking phone number?!
Terry heads out after Beth.
I'm sorry everybody. I'm sorry.
He stops in front of the Heckler.
I'm not sorry actually cause you're a
terrible person... I don't want to kick
your ass here in front of everybody.
Yeah, that's right. I've got levels,
motherfucker. This elevator goes all
the way fucking down, you fucking
INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - LATER
Kumail drives with Beth in the passenger seat and Terry
in the back.
INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT- CONTINUOUS
Beth, Terry, and Kumail enter, all a bit shell-shocked.
I think I'll make tea.
Actually I'll open a bottle of wine.
Does Emily have whiskey?
On top of the fridge.
So uh, Cubs doing good, huh?
I don't know anything about baseball.
She starts to pour. They all just sit there.
I am so sorry about that. That was... I
just sort of lost control.
I thought it was sexy.
Me too. Not like sexy, but like cool
sexy. Not like aroused sexy. I'm gonna
not say sexy anymore.
Hey, you guys wanna get something to eat?
INT. EMILY'S KITCHEN COUNTER - LATER
Kumail, Terry and Beth are eating pizza.
So is it always like that?
Oh like tonight? No, usually a
different mom comes in to help me. I'm
joking. No, it's not always like that.
I'd quit if it was.
Here's a joke.
No, Terry, don't. Terry's about as
funny as a fart at a funeral.
This is funny, this is a funny one. A
giraffe walks into a bar and he says to
the bartender, "Highballs on me." You
get it, right?
Oh that was the end of the joke?
That was the whole joke?
That's the joke. That's the beauty of it,
I thought there was more.
He's a giraffe, he's tall, so it would
stand to reason his testicles are high
and a highball is a type of drink, and
you ruined it by saying I wasn't funny
He gives up and eats. Kumail chuckles.
No, it's good. I like my jokes thoroughly
You're just busting my high balls.
INT. EMILY'S KITCHEN TABLE - LATER
Terry swills WINE and swishes some in his mouth.
Complex finish. Flamboyant mouth-feel.
Good. How about you?
Good term. Absolutely fruit-forward.
This one is in the front seat. It's
driving the wine car.
I like wine cause of the buzz.
She's a bit of a lightweight.
So is Terry! He'll be passed out on the
sofa in less than an hour!
Ah that's nonsense. You know that's not
INT. EMILY'S LIVING ROOM- LATER
Terry, passed out on the sofa snoring. Kumail & Beth
You weren't supposed to be on the show
tonight, were you?
Oh? Me on the show tonight? Yeah, yeah
I was. I was the headliner.
Beth stares him down.
Okay. I lied about the show to get out
of hanging out with you guys. And then
I lied about headlining to impress you
Well that didn't work.
Also, I think I screwed up with your
Yeah, you did.
I don't know how people do it when
their family's sick. My Uncle Lew, he
got cancer, then he had a stroke, then
a heart attack, then he had a
recurrence of the cancer. But you know
what killed him?
Car accident. We think maybe it was a
heart attack while he was driving. And
he did still have cancer too. And you
know what? He ate sprouts his whole
fucking life. Hadn't had a yolk in 30
years. I don't know how I'm going to
You wanna stress eat?
INT. EMILY'S KITCHEN TABLE- LATER
Beth shows Kumail GOTH PHOTOS of EMILY in Emily's high
school yearbook and on her laptop, amidst take out
containers, desserts, chicken strips, whipped cream.
Oh my god.
Most noticeable. Oh no, hold on,
Beth scrolls through photos of Emily in GOTH ATTIRE,
SWORDS, BLACK ROSES. She comes to photos of Emily in a
The legendary cemetery photo shoot.
Oh my god.
I laughed so hard when I saw these. She
got so mad at me.
Kumail laughs. Terry stirs.
You're gonna wake him up.
Are you kidding me? He can sleep through
anything. Hey Terry!
She claps and Terry shifts, but doesn't wake up.
How did you and Terry meet?
I was going to East Carolina University
and I was waiting tables. We met at
this coffee shop, I was waiting on him.
I liked his hair. He was a teacher
already. Thick New York accent like
nobody I'd ever met. Totally wrong for
me. So naturally we fell-in-love. My
family could not stand him. We're all
military people, army pilots. All my
brothers played football. Terry
couldn't even change a tire. My father
got so mad he broke every dinner plate
we had. Now back then, you go to the
gas station, you fill up your tank, you
get a dinner plate. But just one at a
time. Cup, saucer. It took us a year of
fill-ups to get the whole set back. And
Terry just stuck around. Eventually
they just all got over it.
They just got over it. How?
Lots of fucked up dinners. How'd your
parents meet, Kumail?
So we have arranged marriage as you
know. A big group got together to see a
movie, but really it was just a set up
so my mom and dad could meet.
What movie did they see?
I have no idea. I never asked.
They look back at the GOTH PHOTOS of Emily.
She's great, you know?
I feel good about this surgery.
Yeah. These doctors know what they're
No they don't. They're just winging it
like everybody else.
INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - NIGHT
Kumail gets into his car and checks his phone. Seventeen
missed calls from his mom and ten voicemails.
Then he notices an old voicemail from Emily. He hits
play on the message.
Hey it's me. So I tried making some
Pakistani food to surprise you. And
either I'm a bad cook or all Pakistani
food is terrible. I don't know yet. Bye!
He hasn't heard her voice in a while. He listens to
another old voicemail.
Hey it's me. If you just wanna come over
and like kiss me for two seconds, I'd
really love that tonight. Ok. Bye!
He listens to another.
EMILY'S VOICE (CONT'D)
Hey it's me. So did you want to meet at
the gallery, or - Oh my god! Oh my god, a
bird just hit me in the head. Oh my god
I'm not kidding. I'll call you right
back. Oh my god, is it okay?
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM
Emily lies unconscious in her hospital bed.
INT. BEREAVEMENT ROOM - DAY
Dr. Spellman sits with Kumail, Terry and Beth.
The infection around the lungs was
removed. We should be able to pull her
She should be up by tomorrow morning at
the latest. We'll also test the pleural
fluid from the thoracentesis so we can
create a more targeted antibiotic
So this is good news?
It's very good news. We'll just hold
onto her for a few more days and then
you can have her back.
She's a fighter, right?
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENTS DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Kumail eating with his family.
I was so worried. We saw on the news
that a train derailed and we thought
that you were on the train and you had
Nobody died on that train, Ma.
But did they look under the train?
So, where were you last night? What were
Nothing. I wasn't doing anything.
Alright, I'll tell you. I was...
studying for the LSAT.
Yup. I signed up. And if I pass, I'm
gonna go to law school, become a
lawyer, and do law.
The doorbell rings. Sharmeen gets up.
Oh, let me see who that could be.
Really, Dad? You said that nobody was
gonna come. That it was gonna be just
Hey Kumi, do you know this guy? People
say Sam. People say Sam. Do you know him?
Yeah, I know.
He should be on Saturday Night Live.
Sharmeen returns with Khadija.
Everybody remember Khadija? She just
dropped in. She was just in the
Khadija waves awkwardly, and her parents, FARHAN and
And these are her parents, Farhan and
Tina. They also just dropped in.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENT'S HOUSE - LATER
Tina holds forth in Urdu. The grown-ups laugh. Khadija
tries to lock eyes with Kumail.
EXT. KHADIJA'S HOUSE - LATER
Kumail walks Khadija to her door.
I've just been through so many of these
appointments and I never have anything in
common with the guys. You know when girls
at work complain about dating, I just
want to body slam them. They have no
idea. I don't know. My mom says I'm
becoming the bruised apple at the bottom
of the apple bucket.
No, no. You're not.
So do you want to hangout sometime? Like
without our parents? Have you been to the
cat cafe? The cats just come up to you
and nestle in your lap and you just pet
I don't think that's a good idea.
You don't like cats?
I mean I don't think it's a good idea for
us to hangout again. It's not you. You're
fantastic. I just can't do this arranged
marriage thing -- with anybody.
So why did you meet me?
It wasn't my idea.
I'm just really tired. Do you ever want
to just be in a relationship so you can
I'm sorry. You deserve better than me.
People are always telling me what I
deserve. It's bullshit. And stop being so
sorry about everything. I'm gonna go.
Khadija starts walking to her front door, then stops and
turns back to Kumail.
And you know what? I watched the X-Files,
like three whole episodes, and it's a bad
INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY
Beth, Terry, and Kumail sit. Beth and Terry with their
laptops, Kumail with his iPhone. Each diligently typing.
We see they're each looking things up on WebMD.
Wow, they should call this website,
"Everything is Cancer Dot Com".
Everything you put in, it could be
cancer. Hiccups could be cancer. Come on.
You take the fun out of hiccups now.
Do you know this is the 17th best
hospital in Chicago?
Really? Out of how many?
I don't know, but Northwestern's number
Well how do they rate it? What's their
I don't know, Terry. But 17th is bad.
It's not great, unless the sample size
is, you know, that all depends.
Here, look at the comments.
This is why I don't want to go online
cause it's never good. You go online,
they hated Forrest Gump. Frickin' best
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER
Terry talks on his cellphone and paces. Dr. Cunningham
tracks him down.
Terry - Hi. Can we talk?
We got the biopsy results. They are
unfortunately inconclusive. We are
Music drowns out the rest of their conversation as Terry
looks increasingly distraught.
INT. HOSPITAL - HALLWAY - LATER
Terry speaks with Beth and Kumail.
They couldn't find out what the disease
was, or where the virus came from or
the bacteria or whatever.
But they took out the infection so it
I know, that's what I said but her
vitals didn't normalize. And now they
say that the infection is continuing to
spread, it's in her kidneys.
But the kidneys are so far from the
I know, it's an aggressive infection
and they said what they gotta do now is
figure out what this mystery disease
I'm calling Northwestern.
Just hold on, hold on.
I think we should talk about this--
--You shut up! I'm sick of this shit,
Terry. We're getting her out of here!
They're in the middle of the whole
process of elimination.
So you're saying Northwestern can't
take that information and continue the
search? This place is a shithole.
She looks towards the other people in the waiting room.
I'm sorry. Anna, could I have that?
She takes her bag from Anna.
Will you just stop for a second? They're
the doctors. You act like you know what
you're talking about. You don't.
Beth searches in her bag.
I can't find my cellphone. You got a
Don't give her a phone. You don't need a
phone. You don't need to call anybody
Kumail takes out his phone, hands it to Beth. She starts
fiddling with it.
They're doing it. They're the experts
here, and I trust them.
Well that's very nice. But I don't. Can
you unlock that thing?
Beth hands the phone back to Kumail, he unlocks it, hands
There's a reason why they're #17 and
Northwestern's #1. And it's not because
people trust them!
Oh - you think that you're smarter than
me because you say big sentences. Well
Kumail is trying to give them space, unsure what to do.
I don't think I'm smarter than you! You
just don't think you're as smart as I
am! That's not my fault!
Right. It's never your fault.
Everything's my fault.
Oh there are some things that are
definitely just your fault.
Okay, that's bullshit. You need to stop
freaking out and calm down.
And you need to stop being a coward.
Greatest hits, coming back. You can
stop, I'll replay the rest of this from
Kumail slips away.
INT. GIFT SHOP - MOMENTS LATER
Kumail looking at gift items.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER
Kumail walks with a giant STUFFED GIRAFFE.
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Kumail puts the STUFFED GIRAFFE by her bed. Nurse Judy
Oh, you're giraffe-ing it.
It was the biggest thing they had. I
don't even know if she likes giraffes. We
never talked about giraffes. Hey, do
they know what they're doing? Cause
they don't tell us anything. Like, Lyme
Disease? You know the girl on The Real
World had it? Did you guys look for
Yes, we did.
Did you know she gets hurt all the
time? She messed up her ankle recently -
could that be Lupus?
Kumail. We're looking into everything.
We're not holding anything back from
you. We're still just eliminating
Cause Beth wants to move her to
Oh no. Emily should not be moved. The
hospital will approve it because it'll
get the liability off their hands, but
we put her in a coma for a reason. To
stabilize her. Moving her could be very
dangerous. The infection could spread.
Trust me she is fighting. And so are
Kumail looks frightened.
INT. WAITING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Terry balls up his coat to use as a pillow, trying to
get comfortable. Kumail enters. TERRY sees him and sits
Hey Terry. I was just talking to the
nurse - You okay?
Yeah, of course. Totally fine.
Terry's eyes are very puffy and red.
Beth went to Emily's, so I'm gonna wait
here until they kick me out. Keep an
eye on her.
Long pause. Terry and Kumail staring at one another.
Do you wanna crash at my place?
You got the golf channel?
That wasn't funny, right?
I thought that was a serious question.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Kumail and Terry walk in.
So this is the place.
Wow...this place is terrible.
INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - LATER
Kumail and Terry lay on separate air mattresses.
Hey I talked to Nurse Judy, and she was
saying that moving Emily could be a bad
Yeah, she said it could be dangerous.
Terry listens but doesn't respond.
No. Yeah. I hear you. I'd give anything
to trade places with Emily. Being a
parent, it's a nightmare. Loving
somebody this much sucks.
Kumail's not sure what to say.
And I guess you've noticed some tension
between Beth and me.
Not really. That's none of my business.
Yeah well, it's there. Big time.
It's getting really late. We should go
Kumail turns off the light. A beat of quiet in the dark.
I cheated on her.
I did. It was just a one night stand.
We met at some bar in Cincinnati. They
have these teacher conferences. Who
goes to a math conference to get laid?
Yeah. I think I was depressed, that's
what it was.
Yeah. Let's talk about it tomorrow. Get a
full night's sleep. Catch up fresh in the-
She just smelled so good. It was horrible
too. As soon as I was finished. As soon
as I'd finished, I was like, what did you
fucking do?! What did you just do?!
What did you do?! You know that moment of
clarity you get right after an orgasm?
I told Beth right away. I had to. She
was devastated. Now she hates me.
She might be mad at you, but she doesn't
hate you. You should've heard the way she
was talking about you. Hey, can I ask you
something? Why did you tell her?
Oh, I had to. I'm no good with guilt.
Do you guys talk about it?
Not anymore. She said she forgave me,
but no. She hasn't. Let me give you
some advice Kumail. You're going to
know the woman you want to spend the
rest of your life with when you cheat
on her. When you cheat on her and you
just feel like shit.
So, to fully know I love someone, I
have to cheat on them?
Out loud it sounds stupid. Yeah, that's
Terry is clearly fraught.
Love isn't easy. That's why they call
I don't really get that either.
I know. I thought I could just start
saying something and something smart
would come out.
INT. KUMAIL'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Kumail wakes up. Terry is gone. There is a note. "Headed
to the hospital. See you there - Terry."
INT. KUMAIL'S APARTMENT
Kumail pulls on his shoes as Chris exits the bathroom.
Hey did you see Terry?
No, I heard him leave this morning. I'm
going to Sevies. You want anything?
No, I'm good, thank you.
You don't want a hot dog or nothing?
Dude it's 8:30 in the morning.
Okay, no hot dog.
Chris opens the door to leave as Azmat and Sharmeen
We just spoke to Khadija's parents.
What are you doing here?
What is wrong with you, Kumi?
Nothing is wrong with me. I'm sorry-
Sorry? That's all you have to say?
I wasn't that into her.
"Into her"? Do you know how difficult
it is to get an appointment with her?
She is in very high demand.
Can we please talk about this another
No, no, Kumi. We will talk about this
now. We have sacrificed everything for
I know, okay?
We have left our family. We have left
our home. I have missed the birth of my
sister's daughter. I have not seen my
mother for fifteen years. Your father,
he had to do his graduate school.
Again. He had to give exams. Again.
I was in my mid 50's. They were in 20s.
They used to call me Father Time!
I know that. I really appreciate
everything you did for me, but can we
talk about this another time?
Kumi, if you don't want to be a lawyer,
fine. If you want to do the stand-up
comedy and embarrass us as a family,
fine. There is only one thing that we
have ever asked from you: that you be a
good Muslim and that you marry a
Pakistani girl. That is it, one thing!
Can I ask you something that has never
made sense to me? Why did you bring me
here if you wanted me to not have an
We come here but we pretend like we're
still back there? That's so stupid!
Don't you talk to your mother like
You don't care what I think. You just
want me to follow the rules. But the
rules don't make sense to me. I don't
pray. I don't. I haven't prayed in
years. I just go down there and I play
You don't believe in Allah?
I don't know what I believe, Dad! I
don't know. And I can't marry someone
you find for me.
And why not?
Because I'm in love with someone. I am.
Her name is Emily and she's gonna be a
therapist. And right now she's very
sick but I couldn't tell you that. It
makes me so sad that I couldn't tell
you any of that. I really appreciate
everything you've done for me. I truly,
truly do. And I know Islam has been
really good for you, it has made you
good people, but I don't know what I
believe. I just need to figure it out
on my own.
You're not my son.
Sharmeen turns her back on Kumail and heads towards the
Kumi, you're being selfish. You're not
thinking about us. You're not thinking
about Khadija. In fact you're not even
thinking about that girl that you are in
love with. You think American Dream is
just about doing whatever you want and
not thinking about other people?
You're wrong! You are wrong!
Sharmeen and Azmat leave. Chris comes back in.
Hey... I never went to the store. I was
just listening at the door. My mom kicked
me out for dealing weed at sixteen, so I
get it man.
INT. WAITING ROOM - LATER
Kumail walks in. He's had a rough morning. Terry and
Beth are signing forms. Kumail approaches Terry.
Hey, so when are we going to talk to Beth
about what we talked about?
We're gonna move her.
What? What are you talking about? You
I didn't cave. I don't cave.
Okay, okay. I know you don't cave. You're
great. But we talked about this last
I know. We're moving her. She's right.
Terry walks towards Beth as Kumail follows.
What? No. I told you what the nurse
said. Hey Beth, the nurse told me that
moving Emily could be a very bad idea.
Well Northwestern told us it could be
Well, they don't see her. This nurse
sees her and she told me herself.
It's okay. They don't need to see her.
Beth and Terry gather their things to leave, and Kumail
grabs a form out of Terry's hand to stop him.
It's not okay. There. I got it!
That's a map of the garage.
Beth and Terry begin to walk down the hall.
Wait, wait! Do you want to be
responsible? She could die!
Kumail, we're responsible for her no
matter what. We're her parents. Now I'm
sorry, we're moving her.
They head off.
EXT. QUICK'N HOT DRIVE THROUGH - LATER
Kumail pulls up in his car & talks to the DRIVE THRU
Welcome to Quick'n Hot. May I take your
Yeah, um can I get a burger with 4
slices of cheese.
Four burgers. Anything else sir?
No. One burger with four slices of
One burger with four-
I'm sorry. We can't do that.
Just put 4 slices of cheese on a
We can't do that. There's no button -
Who the fuck is this "we", man? Who the
fuck is this "we"? It's me and you.
We're just people. Fucking listen to
me. Fuck this corporate entity. Put
four slices of cheese on THE FUCKING
We can't do that.
What the fuck, you fucking idiot?
Kumail gets out of the car, runs to the pick up window.
Hey, look at me. Cause I'm a human
being. You're a human being. Look at
me. Look me in the eyes when you fuck
me! Look at me. PLEASE!
Today's my first day.
Kumail turns to the garbage can nearby and just starts
pulling garbage out. He locks eyes with Stu.
I'll just ring you up for four burgers.
STU looks down and starts typing.
Do you want any fries or drink with
I'll take four fries. I'm sorry.
Kumail begins to put the trash back in the trash can.
INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - NIGHT
Parked, Kumail sits scarfing down burgers and fries. He
gets a text from Chris: "Where are you? You're up in
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - SHOWROOM
Kumail enters. Big crowd. Mary's on stage. Chris runs
Hey man, Montreal finals. You ready? Oh
wait, are you getting all dark and
moody before your set? Yeah, punish
yourself like a nasty little baby.
I am not in the mood. Okay Chris?
I'll get you in the mood.
Kumail walks towards CJ and Sam.
I'll get you all in the mood.
You all right?
Why does everybody say the same fucking
thing? Yeah, I'm doing great.
Okay, all right dude. I'm just checking.
Dodd runs up to Kumail.
The fuck've you been, man? You're on
Dodd runs off. On stage, Mary is doing well. Kumail's
phone rings. It's Terry. Kumail hesitates. Then answers.
We see Kumail's face. He doesn't say anything. On stage -
Mary finishes her act. We hear Terry's voice on the
Kumail, it's Terry. Listen, we're not
moving here. The doctors, they said..
We don't hear the rest of the call.
This next performer, my man, Mr. Kumail
Kumail is dazed. We see Bob Dalavan in the audience.
INT. TRIPLE DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Kumail slowly walks up to the stage. He stands there
silently, looking at the audience. Then, finally...
Have you guys heard of this new drug
cocktail called cheese? Like that's the
name of it, it's called cheese. I saw
all these news reports, and they were
like, there's a new drug, it's called
cheese. Everyone's doing it in the
Midwest, kids are doing it.
Titters. Barely anything. Bob Dalavan not laughing.
It's just really hard to do stand-up
comedy when your girlfriend is in a
The audience laughs nervously.
Not quite sure what part you're
laughing at. They say she's fighting,
but she doesn't look like she's
fighting. She looks like she's just
laying there. I said horrible things to
her. I hurt her. She loves birds. Like
she gets excited every time she sees a
bird. She's like, look at this, it's a
bird. And I'm always like, yeah,
they're all over the place, they're
birds. But she likes that bird. Every
bird she sees, she sees it.
Her dad just called and said that they
can't transfer her because the infection
has reached her heart. Which means...
(realizing for the 1st time)
She could die.
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - NIGHT
It's darker, less clinical-feeling at night in Emily's
room. She's still the same, the beeping is the same, but
there's something almost holy feeling in the room at
night. Kumail sits quietly talking to her.
I don't know if you can hear me or not,
but it would be really good if you pulled
through. If you have to go, you can go,
but it would be really great if you
stayed. And I'm really sorry about what I
Kumail continues to quietly talk to her.
INT. KUMAIL'S CAR - MORNING
Kumail wakes up in his filthy car the next morning to a
text from Terry: "Please come right away".
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM- DAY
Kumail walks through the hallway.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE EMILY'S ROOM - SAME
He looks inside the room. Emily is awake, surrounded by
her parents and some doctors. Kumail watches through the
window. Emily is groggy. The respirator is gone. Beth
and Terry talk to her. She seems upset, can't talk.
Kumail wants to go in but doesn't.
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM- DAY
Beth sits on Emily's bed. Terry, Dr. Cunningham, and
Nurse Judy stand to the side.
Mom. You're getting your tears all over
me. When am I gonna be able to feel my
You gave us quite a scare there, Scout.
Come on. I call you that all the time.
No. Not since I was a grown up.
I've called you that your whole life!
Nurse Judy holds up a CUP for Emily to sip from. Emily
spits out the liquid.
What is that crap?
We have to thicken your liquids for a
bit. Your esophagus isn't strong enough
to swallow yet.
That shit tastes like semen.
That's nice for a father to hear.
She won't have any social inhibitions
until the anesthetic wears off.
Nurse Judy holds the cup for Emily again, and she sips.
It does! Seriously, Mom. You should try
Emily tries to grab the cup herself.
Oh wait a minute, honey!
Emily drops the cup. She's very upset. Beth comforts
Oh, come on, come on. They'll charge us
forty eight dollars for it, don't worry
Kumail walks in.
Why are you here?
(to Beth and Terry)
I haven't heard her voice in a while.
He's been here the whole time.
(to Beth and Terry)
Could I speak with you both outside?
Dr Cunningham motions for them to join her in the hall.
Honey, we'll be right outside.
Terry and Beth and leave with Dr. Cunningham. Kumail
EXT. HALLWAY - SAME
Cunningham speaks with Terry and Beth.
Emily has a rare condition called Adult
Onset Still's disease. Kumail mentioned
Emily's hurt ankle and the swelling
still hadn't gone down even after
several days in bed, which is strange.
Still's disease is when the body thinks
healthy tissue is an infection so it
tries to fight it. It's like a big
We gave her anti-inflammatories and she
stabilized within hours. She's gonna
take time to recover but she'll be
INT. EMILY'S ICU ROOM - SAME
Kumail speaks with Emily.
What are you doing here?
I was visiting someone down the hall and
I was like, I'll just pop in and say hi
No, I'm joking, I was here for you.
You're an asshole and I don't like you.
I'm not an asshole. I'm really not.
No, you're an asshole.
You have a lot of drugs in you so you're
not thinking as clearly.
Naw dog. I'm not joking. You're not funny
to me. You just make me sad. You make me
sad inside of my heart, and it makes me
sad to look at you. So I think you should
probably go. Just go and tell my mom I
Kumail doesn't know what to say.
Will you please get my mom?
Kumail nods and heads out to the hallway.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Kumail goes up to Beth and Terry.
Emily wants to see you.
Beth goes back inside Emily's room.
I'm gonna head out. I don't think I
should be here.
Alright, Kumail. Here's the thing. Your
living condition is a potential health
risk and you're not that funny. But....
you're probably not suited to do
anything else either so that's
You really made it sound like you were
going to say something positive there.
I guess I did, didn't I? You know I
know the good stuff. You know how I
feel. I gotta get in there.
Terry heads back inside.
INT. EMILY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Terry walks in. Beth sits on Emily's bed as Kumail
watches through the window. Beth notices Kumail.
EXT. EMILY'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Beth comes outside into the hallway.
So you gonna hang around Chicago for a
Yeah. She's got physical therapy.
Did you ever think you'd be excited to
have your daughter go through physical
It's so strange that we could go
through one of the most intense
experiences of our lives together and
just never see each other again.
Beth puts her hands on Kumail's face. She looks at him.
Maybe. But I hope not.
They smile. Kumail walks out of the hospital.
INT. COMEDY CLUB - A DIFFERENT NIGHT
Kumail backstage with other comics. Chris is on-stage.
Kumail sits on a chair going over his notes. CJ and Mary
walk up to him.
Hi little sad man. Mopey boy. We have
something to tell you. We are moving to
New York. And we want you to come with
Are you serious?
You gotta do it. It's going to suck at
first but we'll have each other and
maybe eventually get paid to write
jokes. It's gonna be the best. Come on
You have to come. I know you did not
get Montreal and that is only because
you did one of the worst sets I've ever
seen in my goddamn life.
It was nonsense.
A living disgrace.
I would call it shit, but I would be
worried that I'd be insulting actual
Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me, I
thought a ghost had passed right through
We don't have to keep going over how bad
the set was. I saw their faces and the
noises they didn't make.
I felt one of my eggs die.
Doesn't that happen every month?
It happens every month, Kumail, but I
don't always feel it and go, ohhhhh. And
that's what you made me do. I'm packing
my things up and I'm moving to New York,
and guess what, baby? You're coming with
What about Chris?
Chris performs on stage.
He will be fine.
There's not enough room in the car,
probably. We leave in a week, all
right? And I already called shotgun
Chicago to Pittsburgh. Do not fuck this
Your destiny awaits!
This will be the biggest move of your
life. Other than the one from Pakistan.
INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT- DAY
A "WELCOME HOME" banner hangs. Balloons. Beth, Terry,
and EMILY'S FRIENDS are chatting. Emily sits on the
couch chatting, a CANE by her side. Terry taps on a cup.
Hey, clink clink! Thank you everybody
for coming. I just wanted to say a
couple of words here.
Emily clocks Kumail as he WALKS IN holding a large bag.
(leans over to Beth)
Why is Kumail here?
Cause he was there the whole time. I
invited the nurses, I invited him.
Emily, come on up here. I wanna say
Emily stands up and makes her way to Terry.
Emily successfully peeled an orange
It was a clementine, full disclosure,
it's those little ones that a baby
monkey could peel, but she did it. And
that's all, thank you everybody.
Kumail finally approaches Emily.
Hey. I like your cane. I've heard
pimpin' ain't easy.
Hey, can we talk for a second?
INT. EMILY'S BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS
They walk in. Lots of jackets on the bed.
So, I've been collecting some things
that are important to me and I wanted
to show them to you. I call this my bag
Kumail presents the BIG BAG and starts to take items
out. He holds up a bunch of HOSPITAL PASSES.
This is all the visitor passes from
when I visited you when you were in the-
He holds up some TICKET STUBS.
These are the ticket stubs from when
your parents came to see me perform and
I realized how great they are, and how
great you are, and how great honesty
He holds up a JAR FULL OF ASHES.
What did you do? Did you cremate
These are the ashes of all the
Pakistani women - not the women - the
pictures of the Pakistani women. I
thought this was a good idea, but it
feels a little stupid.
Kumail puts the items down and kneels before Emily.
I know I was a terrible boyfriend. But
I've changed. And I am the person you
need me to be. I really am. So, will
you take me back?
Kumail, I'm really glad that you went
through this experience, but you have
to understand that all that happened
while I was asleep. Like you felt one
way a few weeks ago and now you're
saying you feel the total opposite way
and the only thing that's changed is
that I was in a coma. Honestly, I look
at all of this, and I just think, I
can't do it again. I can't be the
reason that you don't have a family. It
just feels totally different now. And I
can't do that again. Do you understand?
Kumail packs up his bag of devotion.
SONG PLAYS... "GET SHIT TOGETHER" MONTAGE
-- Kumail drives a passenger around.
-- Kumail cleans his room.
-- Sharmeen, Azmat, Naveed, and Fatima have a family
dinner. Kumail's not there.
-- Emily does physical therapy with Beth and Terry.
-- Kumail drives passengers around.
-- Emily, Beth, and Terry eat take out together.
-- Kumail at the theater works on his one-man show.
-- Emily in bed with Beth sleeping next to her. Terry by
himself on the sofa.
-- Kumail and CJ put up fliers for Kumail's one man
-- Kumail makes a Facebook page for his one man show.
INT. KUMAIL'S PARENT'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Kumail enters the dining room without knocking on the
door. Azmat, Sharmeen, Naveed, and Fatima are eating
dinner. Kumail joins them. We see he has another LARGE
Ma. Dad. Fatima. Bhai. There's no
plate. Oh I forgot. I've decided I
won't let you kick me out of the
family. Since I am a member of the
family, it would stand to reason that I
would get a vote in whether or not I
get kicked out, and that vote would
have to be unanimous. Standard
parliamentary procedure. So all those
in favor of not kicking Kumail out of
the family, raise your hand.
Kumail raises his hand. Everyone else stares silently.
Great. Motion to kick Kumail out of the
family, denied. So you guys can just
talk to me.
Everyone is silent.
Okay, you're giving me the silent
treatment. I figured that was what was
going to happen. I have a solution.
Kumail pulls out cue cards from his bag and shows them.
"Hi. How are you?" It's just a real
basic one. "Pass the salt." Practical.
"Always with the comedy." Mom, made
that one specially for you. "Kumail,
how did you become so much more
handsome than your brother Naveed?"
Naveed and Azmat exchange a look.
I admit this one is designed to stir up
some controversy. "It's interesting how
you can't really kick someone out of your
family because they'll always be your
family." I agree with that one. It's a
good one. So, I'm gonna leave these here
Kumail leaves the cards on the dining table.
I'm sorry I lied about the girls and
the LSAT and all of that. That was
wrong. And one more thing: I'm moving
to New York to pursue stand-up, but I
am not leaving this family.
Kumail leaves. Eye contact around the table.
INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT- NIGHT
Emily on her bed. She impulsively Googles Kumail and
finds his MONTREAL AUDITION, which is described as
"WORST BOMB IN HISTORY!!!" She plugs her headphones in
and watches a beat.
My parents want me to get arrange
married. Or as it's called in Pakistan,
romance! Earlier today, I told them
everything. I told them about my life. I
told them about Emily. They kicked me out
of the family. I may never talk to them
again. So that happened -
KNOCK on the door.
What is it?
Can I come in?
Beth enters. Emily closes her laptop.
I swear you and Dad are just like my
freshman year roommate, but instead of
boning random dudes, you're just
parenting all the time. All over the
place. In every room of the house.
Including right next to me.
We gotta go.
Yeah, it's time.
I'm not ready.
Yeah, you know what? You're strong and
EXT. PLAYGROUND THEATER - NIGHT
The marquee says "KUMAIL NANJIANI: CITIZEN". People
filing into the theater.
INT. PLAYGROUND STAGE - NIGHT
And we'd go to the mosque and hear
graphic details of religious people
being killed 1400 years ago. I mean
like Tarantino-esque details. And
everyone would be crying, like
competing to see who could cry the
hardest. And I could never cry. And I
was like, what is wrong with me? Am I
The only time I've cried that much is
when I watched the first 15 minutes of
Up. This is a picture of me and my
mother. I'm seven years old.
INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT - LATER
Beth is in the bathroom while Terry stands in the
kitchen drinking a glass of water.
You know people talk about New York
water but Chicago water is very
underrated, I think. It's good.
Emily comes into the living room.
Hey guys, I think I might just pop out
for a bit.
Yeah, just hop around the block, maybe
get some frozen yogurt.
Are you okay? Can you do it, can you walk
If you feel a coma coming on, call us.
Dad, it's too soon. I love you, I'll see
you in the morning.
Love you, bye.
Got your phone?
INT. PLAYGROUND THEATRE - LATER
Kumail is with Naveed in the empty theatre. Naveed wears
But you liked it, huh?
Yeah. I mean, yeah.
Emily enters hesitantly.
What are you doing here?
I was in the neighborhood and I saw
that you were gonna be here so I
thought I'd come say hi.
You look great. How's your blood oxygen
Oh, well within range.
They stand there. It's tense.
Uh, this is my brother, Naveed.
Hi, I'm Emily.
I've heard lots about you.
It's so good to finally meet you.
There's actually something I wanted to
Naveed clocks the tension between them.
Okay, well I'm going to just... goodbye.
Naveed slips out as Emily and Kumail stare at each other.
INT. EMILY'S APARTMENT - SAME
Terry lies on the pull out sofa. Just before Beth gets
to Emily's room she stops.
Are you warm enough?
Yeah, yeah. I've got my two pairs of
She smiles, walks into Emily's bedroom. Terry gets under
the covers. Beth reemerges and approaches his couch-bed.
Do you mind?
Beth gets under the covers with him. They snuggle.
I'm glad we're going home tomorrow.
Me too. See? I should have brushed my
I like it.
INT. PLAYGROUND THEATRE - LATER
Kumail and Emily sit on the bed from his show together.
When something like this happens,
there's this sort of expectation that
you're going to have this completely
new lease on life and feel totally
different about everything. Like
cherish every sunrise. And for the most
part I just feel like, ugh I can't get
up that early. I'm sorry, I feel like
I've been talking about myself so much.
Are you doing a lot of stand-up?
Yeah, I bombed my Montreal Comedy
Festival audition, like horrifically.
I saw the video. It wasn't great. I'll be
honest with you, it wasn't great.
But there was a lot I liked. Like a lot I
I'm moving to New York.
Yeah. Mary and CJ and I are just gonna
drive out. We have a place already.
When do you leave?
This kinda hits them both like a ton of bricks.
I'm so excited for you. That is great.
I think you are going to do so great in
What were you going to say?
You said you were going to say something
to me. What was it?
Oh, just that I wanted to thank you. My
parents told me everything you did for me
and I feel like the last time we spoke I
didn't properly thank you so-
Oh yeah. Totally fine.
I should probably go.
Do you wanna call an Uber?
No, I'm gonna walk actually. This has
been really great. Okay, bye.
They smile at each other.
EXT. STREET - DAY
CJ, Mary, Kumail, and Chris are packing BOXES into a
The scene is gonna be so different with
you guys gone.
You should... come out...
Nah. I'm good here. I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you.
Kumail and Chris hug.
Get out of here, you assholes.
Come here, you big dummy.
Chris hugs Mary. Kumail is distracted as a CAR pulls up
nearby. Kumail stares at it. After a beat, Kumail's dad
Azmat pops out and walks up to Kumail.
You are still kicked out of the family,
but because we did not get a proper
chance to say bye to you... Your mother
is so angry with you. She is not going
to get out of the car. She's not even
going to look at you. And I don't
believe you kept so much secret from
me, your father.
Here. She asked me to give this to you.
Azmat hands Kumail a TUPPERWARE CONTAINER.
Biryani. For your trip. Your favorite.
She made it herself specially for you
with extra potatoes.
Thank you Ma.
Kumail looks to the car. Sharmeen is in the backseat.
She averts her gaze when she sees him looking at her.
Is she okay?
Right now? No.
I'll miss you.
I am forbidden from hugging you. So. It
was nice to have you as my son. Goodbye
forever. And do me a favor, when you
reach New York, just text us and tell
us that you've reached safely, okay?
Dad, can I ask you something? When you
and Mom went on your first date, what
movie did you see?
Satte pe Satta.
Azmat hums a snippet of a song from the movie.
Her favorite song. Why are you asking?
Azmat nods and heads back to the car. He gets in and
drives off. Kumail gets in the car with CJ and Mary and
they drive off.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - NIGHT - WEEKS LATER
Shots of NYC.
INT. UNION HALL - BROOKLYN - NIGHT
Kumail performs comedy in front of a room full of NEW
YORK HIPSTERS. He's killing. CJ and Mary are there too.
Kumail takes a sip of water.
So the first time I came to America, I
was fourteen and I was just visiting my
uncle in New York and it just happened
to be Thanksgiving. On my first day in
America, my uncle took me to the Macy's
Thanksgiving Day Parade and I was like,
this is every day in America! As
advertised. Every day they have a party
celebrating Garfield. No day has lived
up to that day. So I was lying to my
parents, I was telling them I was gonna
be a lawyer. And they're very
disappointed cause they wanted me to be
a doctor. And you guys are like, why
didn't you just tell them that you
wanted to be a doctor?
It's a lie anyway. And I'm like, well it
has to be believable. If I told them I
want to be a doctor, they'd be like,
"bullshit." If I say lawyer, they're
like, "oh, ok, that's something." Cause
there's a strict hierarchy: doctor,
engineer, lawyer, hundreds of jobs,
ISIS, then comedian.
A very loud WHOOOOO emanates from the crowd. Kumail
looks out to the crowd to see Emily, beaming at him. He
is taken aback.
Uhh. I'm sorry. It's very rude to
Oh that wasn't a heckle. I just kind of
Well see that's a common misconception.
Heckling doesn't have to be negative.
So if I was like, oh my god, you're
amazing in bed! That would be a heckle?
Yeah, and now you're getting more laughs
than me, and I don't like that. Do you
want to come up, do my job? Are you from
out of town, m'am?
Ooh Windy City. And what brings you to
I'm here to see someone.
And have you seen him? Or her, I mean I
don't know what your deal is.
Yeah, I've seen him.
They smile at each other.