DEATH AT A FUNERAL
Written by
Chris Rock & Aeysha Carr
Based on "Death at a Funeral" by Dean Craig
02/6/09
FADE IN:
MUSIC CUE: "DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY" by Bobby McFerrin plays as we
BEGIN CREDITS
INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
We pan across a room filled with caskets.
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
People somberly walk into a church.
EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
We see the signs outside of various funeral homes.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
We close in on a HEADSTONE that reads: "DEATH AT A FUNERAL".
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
ASIAN PALL BEARERS carry a coffin into a church.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
We push in on another headstone that reads: "Starring Chris
Rock". As we push through the cemetery, we see various co-
stars' names chiseled on headstones.
We see a fleet of hearses driving through a cemetery.
INT. FLORIST - DAY
We see a FLORIST making a funeral arrangement.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
CLOSE UP of another headstone that has the director's name
chiseled on it.
END CREDITS
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
MUSIC CUE: The music fades out.
TIGHT SHOT on AARON (CHRIS ROCK) thirties, dressed in a black
suit and tie. He looks straight ahead with a somber expression.
The camera pulls back to reveal he is watching FOUR UNDERTAKERS
(INCLUDING BRIAN) place a coffin on a raised platform.
(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:
The living room has been prepared for the funeral service, with
several rows of chairs laid out.
BRIAN
Would you like to see...
Aaron nods his head "yes", as BRIAN begins to open the coffin.
Aaron crosses to the coffin.
There's a dramatic moment as Aaron moves to the coffin and
braces himself for what he's about to see. The coffin opens and
Aaron stares long and hard at the body.
AARON
Brian... who is that?
BRIAN
Excuse me?
AARON
Who is this man I'm looking at?
'Cause it's not my father.
BRIAN
Are you sure?
AARON
Are you asking me if I'm sure I know
what my father looks like?
BRIAN
People make mistakes in times of
grief.
AARON
Man, look at the damn body!
Brian peers into the coffin. We see it's an ASIAN MAN.
BRIAN
Oh shit!
The other undertakers look embarrassed.
AARON
Come on, Brian. You know what my
father looks like. He used to take
you to little league.
BRIAN
I'm sorry, man. I got a little
nervous. This almost never happens.
(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED: (2)
AARON
It's happened before?! You mean this
is a normal thing?... This isn't
Burger King. You can't just mess up
my order.
BRIAN
I think I know where he is.
AARON
You think?
CUT TO:
INT. ASIAN FUNERAL - SAME TIME
Close up of the casket opening. People look confused. The MAN
looking into the coffin speaks Chinese with subtitles.
ASIAN MAN
(IN CHINESE)
That's not my father.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
AARON
I better .,see my dad in this coffin in
an hour, or you're going to take his
place.
The undertakers pick up the coffin and shuffle out awkwardly.
BRIAN
Don't worry. I'll get him, man.
AARON
You do that.
(TO HIMSELF)
My people, my people, my people...
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Aaron enters the bedroom. His wife, MICHELLE, also thirties,
attractive, is putting on makeup with a thermometer hanging from
her mouth. Aaron stands looking dumbfounded.
AARON
They brought the wrong body. Can you
believe that?
(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:
MICHELLE
(muffled because of
THERMOMETER)
The wrong body?! Do they know where
he is?
AARON
They think so. They're getting him
now.
The thermometer beeps and Michelle removes it from her mouth..
MICHELLE
I told you not to use Marshals. But
no, you wanted to keep it in the
neighborhood. I know Swartz costs a
little more, but at least they know
where the bodies are.
Michelle writes something down on a piece of paper as Aaron
crosses the room and sits on the bed.
AARON
You were right. Please don't rub it
in, not today. I've got so much to
worry about.
Michelle gets up and heads to the bathroom as Aaron takes out
some index cards and looks them over.
AARON (CONT'D)
Dad insisted on having the funeral
here, Mom's crying all the time, Ryan
didn't help with anything, not like he
ever does! Plus my eulogy sucks. I
can't wait until this day is over.
MICHELLE (O.S.)
Oh come on, honey. I'm sure it's not
that bad.
AARON
If it is, at least Dad's too dead to
hear it.
Michelle exits the bathroom.
MICHELLE
Honey, it's going to be fine.
(CONTINUED)
5
CONTINUED: (2)
AARON
It doesn't matter what I write. All
anybody's going to be thinking is "why
isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? Even I'm
going to be thinking it.
She holds him close.
MICHELLE
Baby, you're the oldest. You have to
do the eulogy. Besides, I think
you're just as good a writer as your
brother. You just need to let someone
read your book.
Aaronlooks away.
AARON
Soon. It's not ready to be read yet.
MICHELLE
I'm sure it's fine. Once the
funeral's over, and everything dies
DOWN--
Aaron gives her a look.
MICHELLE (CONT'D)
Sorry. Look, once this is all over,
you know your mom's thinking about
selling the house, so you know we've
got to get out.of here.
Aaron looks a little uncomfortable and heads to the bathroom.
MICHELLE (CONT'D)
You called them, right?
Silence from Aaron in the next room.
MICHELLE (CONT'D)
Aaron?... You put the down payment on
the condo, right?
AARON (O.C.)
I said I'd take care of it and I'll
take care of it.
Michelle looks frustrated and crosses into the bathroom.
6.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Aaron is at the mirror.
MICHELLE
You better, because I can't live with
your mother anymore. I've done my
time, now it's time for your brother
to take over. From now on, it's only
Christmas and birthdays for us. Once
we move, we can concentrate on your
writing and our baby.
Michelle gets down on her knees and starts unzipping Aaron's
pants. Aaron pulls back.
AARON
Hey, hey, hey. Are you serious? We
have to do this today?
Michelle is still on the ground.
MICHELLE
Yes. Today's the last day of this
cycle.
AARON
Can I at least find the body first?
EXT. FREEWAY - WIDE SHOT - DAY
We see NORMAN'S CAR speeding along the freeway.
INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - DAY
NORMAN, black, slightly heavier and riddled with anxiety, is
driving. His friend, DEREK, an attractive, white, clean cut
doctor, rides in the passenger seat.
NORMAN
I hate funerals. It's all death,
death, death.
DEREK
I don't think funerals are designed
for anybody to really like.
NORMAN
I don't want a regular funeral. When
I die, I want people to celebrate my
life.
(CONTINUED)
Death at a Funeral 02/6/09
CONTINUED:
DEREK
Not me. I want it to be the saddest
day ever. I want the stock market to
stop. Schools to close. And no
garbage pick-up.
Derek starts to light a cigarette.
NORMAN
You still smoke?
DEREK
You used to smoke.
NORMAN
I used to piss my pants too, but I
stopped. The only thing I want black
is my skin. At least open the window.
Derek opens the window very slightly.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
I've got enough problems of my own to
deal with.
DEREK
(DUBIOUS)
Yeah? What problems?
NORMAN
I told you... About the rash...
DEREK
Got to use condoms.
NORMAN
.on my hand...
DEREK
Still got to use condoms.
NORMAN
Look at it.
Norman pulls up his sleeve and makes Derek look at his wrist,
but he doesn't take a great deal of interest.
DEREK
That's not a rash.
NORMAN
What is it?
(CONTINUED)
B.
CONTINUED: (2)
DEREK
I don't know, but it doesn't look
right.
NORMAN
Oh, damn.
Norman continues to drive. Derek continues to smoke.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
If you hate funerals so much why are
you coming?
DEREK
You know why.
NORMAN
Come on, man, leave Elaine alone.
DEREK
I can't. She's the one.
NORMAN
So you're going to win her back over a
dead body?
DEREK
If I have to.
INT. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY
ELAINE, very attractive, 27, and her boyfriend OSCAR, white, 35,
are driving along wearing funeral attire. Oscar looks quite
anxious as he keeps his eyes firmly on the road.
ELAINE
Are you okay?
OSCAR
Yeah, just a little nervous...
ELAINE
About seeing my dad?
OSCAR
I just don't think I've ever been so
openly hated by anyone before.
ELAINE
He doesn't hate you. He just loved
Derek.
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED:
OSCAR
Great. That makes me feel much
better.
ELAINE
At least you know it's not you, so try
not to get so nervous when he's
around.
OSCAR
I can't help it. He puts me on edge.
I feel like I owe him money.
ELAINE
He's going to be more.concerned that
his brother-in-law just died. He
won't be focused on you. Anyway, when
I tell him we're getting married,
he'll have to accept you.
Elaine takes his hand. As they exchange a loving look, Oscar
takes his eyes off the road for just a brief moment. Suddenly
there's a BUMP!!! And we see a bicyclist flying over Oscar's
car. Oscar screeches to a halt. They jump out of the car.
OSCAR
Oh my God. Are you okay?
The guy gets up. He's fine.
BIKE GUY
Yeah, I'm fine.
OSCAR
Are you sure? Is anything broken?
I'm so sorry.
BIKE GUY
It was my fault. I ran a light.
Oscar starts hyperventilating.
OSCAR
I could have killed you. What if you
had cracked your head open? I'd have
blood on my hands!
Elaine shakes him.
ELAINE
Oscar, calm down!
(BEAT)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
10.
CONTINUED: (2)
ELAINE (CONT'D)
You heard the man, he ran a light.
Come on, let's get out of here before
he wants to sue.
She grabs him and pulls him into the car.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
The camera is close on Michelle's head which is moving back and
forth. We pull back to reveal Aaron. They are doing it
standing up.
MICHELLE
What's taking you so long?
AARON
I just started.
MICHELLE
You want this baby as much me. Come
on.
AARON
I'm trying.
MICHELLE
If I didn't want you to come, you
would have done it five minutes ago.
AARON
Do I have to do this today?
The door opens and a HOUSEKEEPER sticks her head in.
HOUSEKEEPER
Who's picking up Uncle Russell?--
Aaron and Elaine quickly pull apart. As the Housekeeper steps
back out into the hall.
AARON
Oh shit, Uncle Russell.
Aaron fixes his pants as he exits the room.
INT. NORMAN'S CAR MOVING - DAY
Norman's cell phone RINGS. He answers.
NORMAN
Hello?... How are you?... Okay..
11.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
AARON
I need you to pick up Uncle Russell.
INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
NORMAN
Uncle Russell?! Damn! He's always in
a bad mood.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
AARON
It's not a mood if he's always in it.
It's his personality. Can you do it?
INT. NORMAN'S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
NORMAN
Alright... 'Alright. I'll do it. See
you soon. Bye.
Norman hangs up irritated.
EXT. WIDE SHOT OF A FREEWAY - DAY
We see Norman's car exiting the freeway.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Aaron and Michelle are standing to the side as the undertakers
place the coffin on the stand.
Brian nervously lifts the lid and Aaron looks inside.
BRIAN
(RESPECTFUL)
So is this your father?
AARON
Come on, man. You know that's my
father.
BRIAN
Just trying to be professional. What
up, Michelle?
MICHELLE
(DRYLY)
Brian.
(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED:
He closes the lid and all four undertakers quietly head off.
Aaron looks up and sees his mother, Cynthia, has entered the
room. Cynthia is clearly drained and tired. She stares at the
coffin.
AARON
Mom, how are you feeling?
CYNTHIA
There were so many things we wanted to
do... We were going to go to China.
AARON
China? You don't even like Chinese
food.
CYNTHIA
That's not the point. I haven't been
feeling good. Who knows how long I'm
going to live without him. It happens
all the time. One spouse goes and
then the next. I mean, it might be
different if I had a grandchild to
take my mind off of everything.
MICHELLE
Cynthia, I--
They all cross to the coffin.
AARON
(cuts Michelle off)
Come on, Mom. You're healthy. You'll
be fine. You've got your friends and
family...
Cynthia, Aaron and Michelle stand around the coffin.
CYNTHIA
Where is Ryan? Have you heard from
him?
AARON
He'll be here soon.
CYNTHIA
Just seeing that boy's face makes me
feel better. I've missed him so much.
My baby.
(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED: (2)
She looks down at the coffin. Aaron turns away frustrated.
Michelle gently touches the coffin.
MICHELLE
Do you need anything, Cynthia?
CYNTHIA
Yeah, you can get your hand off my
husband's coffin. You're leaving
smudge marks.
Michelle tries to wipe it off with her sleeve.
EXT. STREET - JEFF'S HOUSE - DAY
MUSIC: "PAPER PLANE" by M.I.A.
Elaine and Oscar are walking up the stairs of a typical college
apartment building.
INT. JEFF'S HOUSE - SAME
The music is coming from Jeff's speakers. JEFF, dressed for the
funeral, sits at his desk. He's holding a pill bottle that
says: "VALIUM."
JEFF
Yeah, I found them. The ones in the
Valium bottle?... Yeah... I'll get
them to you this evening... Can't do
this afternoon... It's your fault you
left them here... I've got a
funeral... My uncle died... Yeah,
tragic... No, I haven't taken any. I
saw what they did to you... What are
they anyway?...
The doorbell rings.
JEFF (CONT'D)
I've gotta go, my sister's here...
I'll take them with me and stop by
after the funeral... Bye.
The doorbell rings again.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Hang on!
Jeff stands up and we see that he's only half dressed for the
funeral. He doesn't have any pants on.
(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED:
He puts the bottle on the counter then crosses to the door and
lets Elaine and Oscar inside.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Hey, what's up?
ELAINE
Do you always open the door half
naked? Come on, Jeff. We're going to
be late.
JEFF
I've just got to put my pants on and
I'm ready.
Oscar is still a little shaky.
JEFF (CONT'D)
(RE: OSCAR)
Is he okay?
ELAINE
Oscar's freaked out. A guy on a bike
ran into the car.
OSCAR
It came out of nowhere. I didn't see
him. I'm sorry.
ELAINE
It's okay, baby.
(then to Jeff)
Go put your damn pants on.
JEFF
I'm going. I'm going.
Jeff heads off to the bathroom and closes the door. Elaine
spots the bottle of Valium on the table and picks it up.
ELAINE
Here. Take this..: It'll calm you
down.
OSCAR
What is it?
ELAINE
It's just Valium.
(gets a glass of water)
I used to take them all the time...
It'll make you feel better, promise.
(CONTINUED)
15.
CONTINUED: (2)
I
OSCAR
Are you sure? I mean, I've got to
drive.
ELAINE
It'll be okay. I'll drive, honey.
Come on, open wide.
She pops the pill in his mouth and hands him some water. Oscar
swallows.
Jeff returns wearing pants.
JEFF
Ready. Let's do it.
Oscar and Elaine leave, Jeff surreptitiously picks up the Valium
bottle, puts it in his pocket, then follows them out.
INT/EXT. ENTRY WAY - SAME TIME
CAMERA is in the entry way now shooting outside. A TOWN CAR
exits, leaving Ryan in front of the house. RYAN, Aaron's
younger brother is taller, more confident, and more successful.
He moves slowly towards CAMERA and through the front doorway as
CAMERA PULLS BACK with him.
RYAN
Hello! Mom!
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Michelle, Aaron and Cynthia are on the couch as Ryan enters the
living room.
CYNTHIA
Ryan!
Cynthia runs over to Ryan and flings her arms around him. Aaron
looks a bit lost in the background with Michelle but they walk
over.
RYAN
I know this is hard, Mom. But you're
going to be okay.
CYNTHIA
You always know exactly what to say,
Ryan. I'm so glad you're here.
RYAN
I'm always here for you, Mom.
(CONTINUED)
16.
CONTINUED:
AARON
I guess if people died every week,
we'd see you all the time.
Ryan turns to Aaron and Michelle.
RYAN
Aaron, how are you?
AARON
I'm alright.
MICHELLE
How was the flight?
RYAN
Okay. I had to buy the seat next to
me because I don't trust the airlines
with my bags. And there was a lot of
turbulence... I guess that's the
thing about flying first class. It
doesn't matter how much you pay if the
plane crashes, you still end up dead--
uh...
Ryan realizes what he's said and stops speaking abruptly. It's
too much for Cynthia who rushes upstairs.
AARON
"End up dead"?
RYAN
Oh damn.
MICHELLE
I'll make sure she's okay.
Michelle heads off upstairs.
EXT. LAKEVIEW RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - SAME TIME
We see Norman's car turn into "Lakeview Retirement Community."
He drives past the sign and through a gate.
INT. NORMAN'S CAR/EXT. LAKEVIEW - DAY
Norman is driving behind three OLD LADIES on mobile chairs.
He's honking at them. He finally sees Uncle Russell.
NORMAN
There he is.
(CONTINUED)
17.
CONTINUED:
DEREK
You didn't tell me the guy was in a
wheelchair.
UNCLE RUSSELL, an elderly man in a wheelchair, sits in his
chair.
Norman drives forward and stops alongside the old man. He rolls
down his window and speaks very slowly with a huge smile on his
face.
NORMAN
(OVER ENUNCIATING)
Hello, Uncle Russell. How are you?
We're here to take you to the funeral.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Where the fuck have you been, you fat
bastard? You're late. If you took
any longer I'd be dead, too.
The fake smile falls off Norman's face.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ryan sees the coffin and slowly heads over with Aaron trailing
behind. He stands over the coffin. It finally registers that
his DAD is actually in there.
RYAN
It's hard to see Dad like this. But
he's in a better place now.
AARON
When does dead beat sick?
RYAN
I guess you're right. This is why I
try not to get close to people.
There's too much emotion involved.
AARON
Well that explains why you never call.
RYAN
What do you want me to say? Some
families talk to each other all the
time, some just see each other at
funerals. That's us.
AARON
I guess it is.
(CONTINUED)
18
CONTINUED:
Ryan takes a seat in one of the chairs flanking the coffin.
Aaron sits as well.
AARON (CONT'D)
By the way, I'm going to need that
money.
RYAN
What money?
AARON
The money for all this... the funeral.
You're supposed to pay half.
RYAN
What about the insurance?
AARON
That's Mom's money.
RYAN
What about the pension?
AARON
That's Mom's money.
RYAN
Oh.
AARON
So we're spliting the cost.
RYAN
Are we?
AARON
Yes. We are.
RYAN
Oh, okay.
AARON
So?
RYAN
I don't have it right now.
AARON
What do you mean, you don't have it?
You just bought a first class seat for
your bag.
(CONTINUED)
19.
CONTINUED: (2)
RYAN
And that's why I don't have any cash.
INT.. ELAINE'S CAR - MOVING - DAY
Elaine is now driving, Oscar is sitting in the passenger seat
looking a little spaced out, with Jeff in the back.
Jeff leans forward.
JEFF
So, poor old Uncle Eddie...
ELAINE
Yeah. But he was sick for so long.
He's much better off now.
JEFF
Dead? Since when does dead beat sick?
ELAINE
Shut up, Jeff.
Jeff turns his attention to Oscar.
JEFF
I love when you come to family
functions, Oscar. Because then Dad
focuses all his hate on you.
There's no response from Oscar. He looks distantly out the
window. The pills are starting to kick in.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Oscar?
OSCAR
Was there a dog in here just now?
Elaine looks at Oscar very-strangely.
ELAINE
What?
He sniffs.
OSCAR
Dalmatian? No, Schnauzer...
A beat.
(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED:
ELAINE
What the hell are you talking about?
Oscar falls silent and just goes back to looking out the window.
INT. NORMAN'S CAR - LATER
Uncle Russell is asleep in the back. Norman is looking for a
parking space, but the street and long driveway are packed with
cars. A catering truck and flower van are taking up a lot of
space.
NORMAN
There's nowhere to park.
Then the small flower delivery van pulls out. Derek points out
the newly empty space.
DEREK
That truck is pulling out. Park
there.
NORMAN
Alright.
Just as he's about to drive in, another car takes it.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
What the hell?
EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS
Norman gets out of the car. The other car contains Jeff, Oscar
and Elaine. Jeff gets out first followed by Elaine.
NORMAN
Elaine, I was going to park there.
ELAINE
Are you family, Norman?
NORMAN
Well, no, but I'm like family.
ELAINE
No such thing.
Derek leans out the window.
DEREK
Hi, Elaine.
(CONTINUED)
21.
CONTINUED:
ELAINE
What are you doing here?
DEREK
Your father invited me.
ELAINE
Oh please.
She grabs Oscar and heads to the house followed by Jeff.
INT. NORMAN'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Norman gets back into his car. Uncle Russell stirs.
UNCLE RUSSELL
What's happening?
DEREK
Did you see that?... She totally blew
me off.
The flower delivery van has been waiting to move forward. It's
driver beeps the horn.
UNCLE RUSSELL
I said what's happening? Are we
there?.
Norman turns around and looks at Uncle Russell.
NORMAN
Aw, damn. I have Uncle Russell. How
could I forget about Uncle Russell?
Derek has other concerns and the van beeps again.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
(to the Van)
Yeah, alright!!
UNCLE RUSSELL
What the hell is going on?
Uncle Russell pokes Norman with his cane.
NORMAN
Ow.
DEREK
.barely even looked.
(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:
Norman, now highly irritated, is forced to drive backwards.
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are walking to the house as other people
arrive.
OSCAR
It's very green here, isn't it?...
Green... Very green... Very...
green.
Elaine takes Oscar to the side.
ELAINE
Oscar, are you alright?
OSCAR
What do you mean?
ELAINE
All this talking about phantom dogs
and things being green... What's
going on?
OSCAR
What are you talking about? I' fine .
Never been greener.
Oscar wanders off, leaving Elaine with Jeff.
JEFF
Elaine, what's wrong with Oscar?
ELAINE
I don't know. Something's not
right...
ANGLE ON: Oscar as he wanders around the yard.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
I think it's the Valium.
JEFF
Valium?!
ELAINE
I gave him a Valium at your place. I
think he's just not used to it.
JEFF
Oh, right.
(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED:
Jeff's face reveals his realization of what's happened. He
walks off, leaving Elaine watching Oscar.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY
Norman's car is almost at the corner still being forced
backwards by the flower van. We see that Derek is still lost in
his own thoughts.
Uncle Russell is poking at Norman with his cane.
UNCLE RUSSELL
You're going the wrong way!
NORMAN
Ow! That hurts.
DEREK
Stop the car, Norman.
NORMAN
What?
DEREK
Stop the car. I have to speak with
her. I have to speak with Elaine.
Norman reluctantly stops the car. Derek gets out.
NORMAN
What about Uncle Russell? I need help
with Uncle Russell!
It's too late. Derek is gone. The van in front of Norman honks
the horn.
UNCLE RUSSELL
What's going on here? Where are we?!
We're going to be late!
Russell hits him on the arm with his cane.
NORMAN
Ow! Can you please stop doing that?!
The van keeps beeping. Norman backs up.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ryan is standing with Aaron. They greet the mourners.
(CONTINUED)
24.
CONTINUED:
RYAN
(TO MOURNER)
Nice to see you again.
The mourner shakes hands with Ryan then walks away.
RYAN (CONT'D)
Who are all these people? I don't
even recognize half of them.
AARON
It's your family. You don't recognize
them from the last funeral?
Ryan looks around the room.
RYAN
So what side of the family is he on?
AARON
Who?
RYAN
The guy in the leather jacket.
Ryan looks around the room and sees a FOUR FOOT SIX MAN (FRANK)
approaching the coffin.
AARON
I have no idea. Maybe a friend of
Dad's from work or something.
Aaron turns to Ryan.
AARON (CONT'D)
So, you're telling me I'm going to
have to pay for the whole funeral?
RYAN
No I'm telling you you'll have the
money in a few months when I get my
advance.
AARON
I'm not a God damn credit agency!
REVEREND DAVIS, a very calm, serene woman, suddenly appears.
REVEREND DAVIS
Aaron, how are you?
(CONTINUED)
25.
CONTINUED: (2)
AARON
Yes, um... We're just waiting for
everyone to arrive, then we can get
going. I know you're in a hurry.
REVEREND DAVIS
Yes, I have two more funerals and a
Christening. I don't know what it is
about the Spring, but they're either
coming in or going out.
She laughs, but Aaron and Ryan just look at her. Reverend Davis
stands there waiting to be introduced to Ryan.
AARON
Have you met my brother, Ryan?
REVEREND DAVIS
Ah, the writer, of course. I must
admit I squeezed this job in because I
wanted to meet you. I'm reading
"Mama's Secret" right now. Don't tell
anybody, I'm not supposed to be
reading that kind of stuff.
RYAN
I'm sure the Lord will forgive you.
Aaron is irritated.
REVEREND DAVIS
(TO AARON)
You must be very proud of your big
brother. He really made something of
his life.
(TO RYAN)
I can't wait to hear your eulogy.
AARON
No, no, I'm doing the eulogy.
REVEREND DAVIS
Oh. I thought...
RYAN
Aaron is the oldest.
The reverend tries her best not to look disappointed.
REVEREND DAVIS
Great... Well, I'll just make sure
have everything I need.
(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED: (3)
She looks at the coffin and then at the Bible in her hands.
REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D)
We've got a body and a Bible. Well,
I'm all set.
She walks off.
AARON
Look, I think you should do the
eulogy. Everyone's expecting you to
do it.
RYAN
No, they're not. You're the oldest.
You should do it.
AARON
Look most of the people are here for
Dad, but let's not kid ourselves. A
lot of them are here to hear your
eulogy.
RYAN
So imagine how surprised they'll be
when they hear yours.
Ryan walks away.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Cynthia is helping prepare the food to go.out. Michelle is in
the background at the sink. DUNCAN, Cynthia's brother, a middle
aged doctor, approaches.
DUNCAN
How's my little sister?
CYNTHIA
I'm trying to hold it together,
Duncan. He was a really good husband.
My friends always told me about the
crap their husbands put them through.
I never had to deal with any of that.
Remember when Uncle Matt got that
nanny pregnant?
DUNCAN
That was horrible.
(CONTINUED)
27
CONTINUED:
CYNTHIA
They don't make 'em like my Edward
anymore. A good husband and a great
father to two healthy, strong boys.
Michelle cringes in the background.
MICHELLE
(TO CYNTHIA)
I'll make you a cup of coffee,
Cynthia.
CYNTHIA
Coffee can do many things Michelle,
but it can't bring back the dead.
Beat.
MICHELLE
Tea?
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Aaron finds a quiet place in the hallway and pulls out his
notes.
AARON
(READS)
"My father was an exceptional man...
My father was an exceptional man...
My father was an exceptional man..."
Michelle approaches him.
MICHELLE
Honey, we still need to finish that
thing. Remember today is the last
day.
AARON
Can we talk about this when there's a
little less death in the air?
MICHELLE
No. No we can't.
AARON
Honey, I'm just not in the mood...
MICHELLE
I don't have any panties on.
(CONTINUED)
28.
CONTINUED:
AARON
What? You don't have any panties on?
It's my father's funeral.
MICHELLE
I'm just trying to help you out. I'll
put them back on before the service
starts. Now come on.
They turn. Aaron looks around the corner into the living room
and sees the four foot six man standing by a table. Aaron stops
Michelle.
AARON
Babe, don't make it obvious, but that
guy in the leather jacket standing by
the wall. Don't look. Don't look.
Don't look.
Michelle catches a glimpse of the guy.
AARON (CONT'D)
Do you recognize him?
MICHELLE
Isn't that the guy from the Home
Depot?
AARON
No, I don't think so. Don't look.
Don't look.
MICHELLE
Did he put in the cable?
AARON
No, no, that's not it. He keeps
looking at me. Don't look. Don't
look.
MICHELLE
He's probably just a friend of your
father's. I'll meet you in the
garage. We have a few minutes before
Uncle Russell gets here.
Michelle walks off. Aaron peeks around the corner again and
makes eye contact with the four foot six inch man, who seems to
be staring straight at him. Aaron averts his eyes and heads
off.
29.
EXT. ROAD - DAY
Norman parks the car and gets out. He goes to the trunk and
removes the wheelchair.
UNCLE RUSSELL
What are you doing?! Be careful with
that.
Uncle Russell bangs his cane on the floor impatiently.
UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D)
Hurry up, we're late.
Norman slams the trunk closed.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Aaron tries to get across the room as Michelle heads into the
kitchen.
Ryan stops Aaron.
AARON
Oh, Ryan can you keep an eye out--
RYAN
God damn, that Martina has grown up.
ANGLE ON: MARTINA, nineteen and attractive.
AARON
Are you talking about Little Martina?
RYAN
She was like a teenager when I left,
and now she's... you know. She's like
damn.
Aaron looks distastefully at his brother.
AARON
Can you keep an eye out for Uncle
Russell?
RYAN
I think I should go see how she's
been.
AARON
Yeah, why don't you do that? See if
she wants a juice box.
(CONTINUED)
30.
CONTINUED:
Ryan heads off towards Martina. Aaron continues across the
room.
FRANK (O.S.)
Hi there.
Aaron turns and finds himself cornered by Frank.
AARON
Hello.
FRANK
I was really sorry to hear about your
dad. He talked about you a lot. I
saw your wedding pictures. Your
wife's dress was very beautiful.
Aaron is a little uncomfortable.
AARON
Uh... thanks.
MAN
Did he ever mention me?... Frank?
Frank steps forward and holds out his hand. Aaron shakes it.
AARON
Frank?... I don't think so, no...
Were you a friend of his?
FRANK
Something like that, yeah.
Michelle sticks her head out of the kitchen.
MICHELLE
Honey. Can I see you for a moment?
AARON
Well, nice to meet you. Thanks for
coming.
Aaron walks away, leaving Frank alone.
EXT. STREET - SAME TIME
WIDE SHOT: Norman struggles to push Uncle Russell up a hill.
(CONTINUED)
31.
CONTINUED:
UNCLE RUSSELL
Come on, put your back into it.
You're supposed to be a young man.
Don't you have any strength?
INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Aaron has almost made it across the room when he is intercepted
by Reverend Davis.
REVEREND DAVIS
I think we should get started.
really have to leave at three.
AARON
Sure. Can we just wait five minutes
for my Uncle Russell? We can't start
without him.
REVEREND DAVIS
.Of course.
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
Elaine and Jeff are talking to some mourners.
ELAINE
It's so nice to see you.
WOMAN
I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle.
But he's in a better place now. I
hear Ryan is doing the eulogy.
Oscar, carrying a leaf, interrupts the conversation.
OSCAR
Look... Isn't it beautiful?
He wanders off again. Elaine doesn't know what the hell is
going on.
JEFF
Elaine, can I speak to you for a
minute?
ELAINE
(to the mourner)
I'll see you inside.
Jeff takes Elaine's arm with some urgency and moves off to the
side.
(CONTINUED)
32
CONTINUED:
ELAINE (CONT'D)
What? What is it?!
JEFF
I have to tell you something and, I'm
warning you in advance, you're not
going to like it.
Elaine looks at Jeff concerned.
INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
Aaron is intercepted again by Duncan who is talking to Ryan.
DUNCAN
Aaron. How are we doing on time?
AARON
As soon as Uncle Russell gets here
we'll be ready to start.
DUNCAN
So what's this I hear about Ryan not
doing the eulogy?
RYAN
I was just telling him how much I'm
looking forward to hearing your
eulogy.
DUNCAN
That's a shame. I mean, I'm sure
you'll be good, Aaron. It's just with
Ryan being the writer of the family...
AARON
Yeah.
DUNCAN
There are people here that don't even
know your father. They just came to
hear Ryan.
AARON
Would you excuse me?
Aaron walks away.
DUNCAN
(TO RYAN)
So any new books coming out? I just
finished "Black Hurt.
33.
INT. GARAGE - SAME TIME
Aaron closes the door behind him. Michelle is waiting. They
start kissing and pulling at each other's clothes. Aaron stops
and leans on the door and sighs.
MICHELLE
Are you alright?
AARON
Every single person wants Ryan to do
the eulogy. He was my father, too.
I'm supposed to do the damn eulogy!
I'm the oldest. Where was Ryan when I
was taking care of Dad?
MICHELLE
Calm down. Calm down. Forget about
everyone. You're going to do the
eulogy and it's going to be the best
eulogy anyone's every heard. Now
could you please do me a favor and get
me pregnant?
AARON
Come on, do I have to do this today?
MICHELLE
Yes. What do you want? You want me
to talk dirty? I'm gonna suck it.
I'm gonna to suck it.
Before Michelle can continue her PG rated dirty talk, there is a
knock on the door.
MAN
Is there more soda in here?
AARON
Yes! Come in!
Michelle is frustrated.
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
Elaine is looking at Jeff in absolute shock.
ELAINE
What do you mean it's not Valium?
(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:
JEFF
I mean what you thought was Valium,
wasn't actually Valium. It's a
hallucinogenic. Like, acid,
mescaline... Special K...
Oscar moves in the background behind Elaine and Jeff. Elaine
looks at him. He's making strange contorted expressions with
his face and pointing at the sky. Other people are starting to
notice him and think he's slightly odd.
ELAINE
This isn't funny, Jeff.
JEFF
I'm not being funny. Look at him,
he's high as a kite!
Oscar sticks his head into a huge bush.
ELAINE
What the hell are you doing leaving
that stuff around your house?!
JEFF
A friend left it. And who the hell
just goes into someone's house and
takes pills?
ELAINE
I thought they were Valium!
(takes a deep breath)
What am I supposed to do? Should I
tell him?
JEFF
No, don't do that. It'll just freak
him out... We'll just keep a close
eye on him, and make sure he doesn't
get out of control... And don't let
him spend too long talking to one
person... or bush.
Oscar wanders into the front door. Elaine quickly follows him.
Jeff reluctantly follows Elaine. Derek arrives in time to see
this and follows as well.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Oscar wanders in, followed by Elaine and Jeff. Duncan sees them
enter and approaches them.
(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED:
ELAINE
Hi, Dad. How are you?
She gives him a kiss.
DUNCAN
Not bad considering we're at a
funeral.
Jeff steps forward.
JEFF
Hi, Dad.
He shakes his hand.
DUNCAN
How's Pepperdine treating you? Is
Professor Clarke still giving you a
hard time?
JEFF
No, no. It's all worked out. Don't
worry.
DUNCAN
I'm not worried about you.
Duncan looks pointedly at Elaine, irritating her. Duncan looks
at Oscar who is in the background.
DUNCAN (CONT'D)
So I see you brought your friend.
ELAINE
He's my boyfriend. And you know his
name.
Derek approaches.
DEREK
Doctor, how nice to see you again.
DUNCAN
Derek. How are you doing at the
hospital?
DEREK
Great. Great. We should have lunch
soon. I'd love to hear what you think
about the new pediatric wing at
Cedar's.
(CONTINUED)
36.
CONTINUED: (2)
DUNCAN
Definitely. Maybe Elaine would like
to join us for lunch?
They both look expectantly at Elaine who looks away disgusted.
Cynthia comes up to them and kisses Elaine and Jeff hello.
Oscar stares at her.
CYNTHIA
Elaine... Jeff... good to see you.
ELAINE
I'm so sorry, Auntie. We're going to
miss Uncle Edward so much.
JEFF
Yeah. He was a great guy.
CYNTHIA
Thank you.
ELAINE
Oscar, this is my Aunt--
Oscar grabs Cynthia in a tight hug.
OSCAR
I'm so sorry about... the death...
He sings "Amazing Grace" softly as Duncan, Derek, Jeff and
Elaine look on.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
Amazing Grace / How sweet the sound /
That saved a wretch like me...
Cynthia untangles herself from Oscar. She heads back outside.
Duncan gives Elaine a look, then heads off after Cynthia.
JEFF
What are you going to do?
ELAINE
I don't know. I can't leave. Aunt
Cynthia would never speak to me again.
Jeff notices that Oscar has left. He rushes outside. Elaine
follows. Derek follows suit.
37.
EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY
We see Oscar emerging from the front doorway followed by Jeff.
Then comes Elaine.
Jeff approaches Oscar and stands with him as Elaine watches from
the doorway. Derek walks up.
DEREK
You look nice, Elaine.
ELAINE
I'm dressed for a funeral.
DEREK
Yeah, but you make death look sexy.
She looks at him.
DEREK (CONT'D)
So, I heard about the engagement.
ELAINE
Hey, hey. I don't really have time to
deal with whatever happened between
you and me. But I have not told my
dad yet, so I would appreciate it if
you would keep your mouth shut.
DEREK
Sure. Anything for you.
Derek looks over and notices Oscar looking bewildered.
DEREK (CONT'D)
So that's him? That's the man you're
going to spend the rest of your life
with?
Elaine looks over at the drugged up Oscar. Oscar leans over
like he's on a nod. Jeff leans down with him, watching. Right
before Oscar falls over, he comes up really fast.- Then he
starts walking.
ELAINE
Yep, that's him.
Oscar who has been walking in circles with a look of awe on his
face, changes direction and flies by Elaine and Derek back into
the house with Jeff in tow.
(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED:
DEREK
Elaine., I-
Elaine follows the guys, leaving Derek behind.
INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
Aaron is straightening his tie and practicing his eulogy.
AARON
My father was an exceptional man...
My father was--
Frank again approaches Aaron.
FRANK
Actually, there's something I'd like
to talk to you about... when you have
a minute.
Aaron hears Uncle Russell in the background.
AARON
Yeah, that's great. Do you mind if we
do it later though? My uncle just got
here.
FRANK
Sure.
Aaron heads off.
EXT. FRONT PORCH OF HOUSE - SAME TIME
Norman pushes Russell up the stairs close to where Derek is
standing. He looks like he's about to collapse from exhaustion.
Norman lets go of the wheelchair and catches his breath. Derek
grabs the chair blocking Norman from view just as Aaron arrives.
AARON
Thank you, Derek, you're a life saver.
Hope it wasn't too much trouble.
DEREK
No problem at all.
Aaron wheels Uncle Russell inside.
AARON
How are you doing, Uncle Russell?
(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED:
UNCLE RUSSELL
Terrible.
Derek follows, leaving Norman standing there out of breath.
NORMAN
Can I get a little help?
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Aaron enters and nods to Reverend Davis, who stands at the
front.
REVEREND.DAVIS
Ladies and gentlemen, could you all
kindly take your seats? We're about
to begin the service.
Ryan helps Martina to her seat. Jeff keeps an eye on Oscar.
Elaine grabs Oscar and drags him to a seat. Aaron wheels Uncle
Russell to his place.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Move! Move!
He pokes people with his cane. Aaron then takes his seat with
Michelle.
Oscar is not looking so good.
Ryan finally ends the conversation with Martina and heads to his
seat.
Reverend Davis is about to start, but waits as Norman, sweating,
pushes through the crowd to his seat. The reverend waits for
the disturbance to end, so Norman attracts the attention of
everyone. Norman takes his seat next to Derek. Derek leans
away.
DEREK
(SNIFFS )
You stink.
REVEREND DAVIS
Family and friends, we're gathered
here today to mourn the passing of
Edward Barnes.
NORMAN
Yeah, well, you left me to push Uncle
Russell up that damn hill all by
myself. Then took all the credit.
(CONTINUED)
40
CONTINUED:
Elaine, turns around.
ELAINE
Norman, shut up.
Elaine turns back around. Norman is irritated by this.
REVEREND DAVIS
I'd like to start with a favorite
passage of Edwards from First Samuel
chapter 18, verses 1-4 in the King
James Bible.
(READING)
"And it came to pass, when he had made
an end of speaking unto Saul, that the
soul of Jonathan was knit with the
soul of David, and Jonathan loved him
as his own soul. And Saul took him
that day, and would let him go no more
home to his father's house..."
While the reverend is talking, Norman pokes Elaine on the
shoulder and leans forward.
NORMAN
(WHISPERS)
Hey, Elaine, I know you don't think
I'm part of the family--
ELAINE
'Cause you're not.
NORMAN
(WHISPERS)
.but when you dissed me back there,
I had Uncle Russell in the car.
Aaron, disturbed by Norman's whispering, looks over.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
(WHISPERS)
You stole my parking space, and I had
to push him half a mile up a hill. We
almost missed the service!
Aaronlooks over again.
ELAINE
(WHISPERS)
Look, Norman, if you poke me one more
time, I'm going to kick your ass.
(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED: (2)
AARON
(WHISPERS LOUDLY)
What the hell is going on?!
NORMAN
(WHISPERS)
She stole my parking space!
AARON
(whispers to Norman)
Stole your parking space?!. My
father's dead! Act right.
Reverend Davis looks at them then continues her speech.
REVEREND DAVIS
."Then Jonathan and David made a
covenant, because he loved him as his
own soul..."
As she speaks, Norman looks at his wrist, worried. The woman
sitting next to him smacks his wrist down.
ANGLE ON: Elaine looks at Jeff who watches Oscar. Oscar is
fidgeting and looking worried.
ANGLE ON: Aaron and Michelle. Aaron looks worried.
REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D)
."And Jonathan stripped himself of
the robe that was upon him, and gave
it to David, and his garments, even to
his sword and to his bow, and to his
girdle."
ANGLE ON: Oscar is laughing. Elaine tries to control him.
REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D)
And now we'll have a few words from
Edward's son, Aaron. Ryan's older
brother.
ANGLE ON: Aaron as he gathers himself. Michelle gives Aaron a
supportive squeeze of the arm. Aaron looks over and sees Frank
staring at him.
ANGLE ON: Uncle Russell.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Why isn't Ryan doing the eulogy? This
is bullshit.
(CONTINUED)
42.
CONTINUED: (3)
Aaron arrives at the front and looks out across the expectant
crowd. He's extremely nervous.
AARON
Good afternoon, everyone.
(his voice cracks)
Thank you for coming... I never
realized Dad was so popular. It looks
like he's got more friends now that
he's dead.
Blank faces stare back at Aaron. Cynthia looks pained.
Everyone is silent except for Oscar who laughs loudly. Elaine
silences him with a look. Aaron composes himself and pulls his
notes out.
AARON (CONT'D)
My father was an exceptional man... He
was born in 1938. He grew up in
Alabama on a farm. He loved to take
long walks in the woods with his close
friend, Bobby. He told me how they
spent their summer days riding their
bikes through the fields and swimming
in the lake.
As Aaron speaks, Reverend Davis looks concerned because the
eulogy is so bad. She looks to Ryan who looks like "what can I
do?"
Jeff looks more concerned with Oscar, whose face is contorted
with pain. He looks like he's going to burst.
ANGLE ON: Aaron.
AARON (CONT'D)
Dad's first job was working after
school as an assistant to an
electrician named Mr. Thompson. Back
then, Blacks weren't allowed to wear
rubber gloves. So my father got
shocked a lot. Because of that, he
had no feeling in his fingertips. I
asked my Dad what his first boss was
like...
The drugs have gotten the best of Oscar. He suddenly grabs
Elaine's arm. Aaron keeps talking.
OSCAR
Did you just see that?
(CONTINUED)
43.
CONTINUED: (4)
ELAINE
See what?
OSCAR
The coffin just moved.
ELAINE
What?
OSCAR
I'm telling you I saw it move.
Aaron becomes vaguely aware of the disturbance, but battles on
with his eulogy.
AARON
.He said he was a nice man, and
surprisingly well dressed. When Dad
was eighteen, he left home after an
argument with his father. He never
told me what that argument was about,
but I do know that after leaving South
Carolina, sadly he and Bob lost touch
and never saw each other again. Dad
went to college where he studied
accounting, a decision which lead to a
career in corporate finance... But
his real passion was for the arts,
with a particular fondness for
theatre, dance and musicals. He was a
charter member of the Negro Ensemble
Company and contributed regularly to
the Alvin Ailey School of Dance.
Oscar's protests are getting louder. Duncan looks back at the
disruption with a disapproving glare. Elaine looks at Jeff who
watches, concerned.
OSCAR
There, look. It happened again.
ELAINE
Oscar, please-
People start looking at Oscar, who's becoming increasingly
vocal, and looking increasingly like someone on acid.
OSCAR
That coffin's moving!
(CONTINUED)
44.
CONTINUED: (5)
ELAINE
(WHISPERS)
Oscar. Just calm down.
Aaron looks over to Oscar.
OSCAR
(SHOUTS)
The coffin's moving!
Michelle looks worried. Cynthia watches silently. Oscar jumps
up. Aaron stops the eulogy. Elaine is about to die from
embarrassment.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
There's someone alive in there!
ELAINE
Oscar, please sit down.
Oscar ignores her and walks purposefully towards the coffin.
People watch him in astonishment, including Jeff.
OSCAR
What the hell is wrong with you
people?!
Oscar approaches the coffin as Aaron steps off the dais. Elaine
tries to hold Oscar back, but she can't.
ELAINE
(PANICKED)
Oscar, where are you going?
AARON
What are you doing?
OSCAR
There's someone moving in there.
Can't you see?
Oscar tries to open the coffin. Aaron and Elaine try to
restrain him, but can't. A tussle begins. Ryan jumps in to
help.
RYAN
What the hell is wrong with you?!
ELAINE
Ryan, no!
(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED: (6)
Elaine attempts to grab Ryan. Duncan stands up and tries to
help.
DUNCAN
Get away from there!
OSCAR
No, I have to show you! He's alive!
He's alive!
The scene descends into absolute chaos with people pushing and
struggling. Finally, the coffin falls off the platform and tips
over.
The dead body of Edward rolls out onto the floor at the feet of
Cynthia. Cynthia screams.
Aaron freezes in shock. Michelle takes Cynthia through the
kitchen. The living room is left in chaos.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - MOMENTS LATER
Elaine drags Oscar out the back. Jeff follows.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Cynthia, in tears, enters accompanied by Aaron, Michelle and
Reverend Davis.
MICHELLE
It's alright, Cynthia. It's alright.
She sits in a chair crying uncontrollably. Aaron is so angry,
he just marches out.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Some MEN grab the body and put it back in the coffin. Aaron
comes out of the kitchen and heads to the back yard. As they
put the coffin back on the stand, Ryan addresses the crowd.
RYAN
Please let me extend my apologies to
you all. I understand the incident
you just witnessed was quite shocking,
but everything will be... returned...
to it's proper place. Please enjoy
the refreshments, and we'll call you
when we're ready to continue.
(CONTINUED)
46.
CONTINUED:
UNCLE RUSSELL
It wouldn't have happened if Ryan had
done the eulogy.
Aaron exits through the garden door.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY
Aaron storms out to Elaine who is trying to comfort Oscar. He's
looking very disturbed. Jeff is also there, looking guilty.
AARON
Elaine, what the hell was that?!
ELAINE
I'm so sorry, Aaron.
AARON
Oh, okay. My dead father's sprawled
out on the living room floor, but it's
okay, you're sorry.
OSCAR
But the coffin was moving.
ELAINE
Please, Aaron. Go back inside. I'll
explain later.
An annoyed and confused Aaron turns and walks back to the house.
He's almost to the door when Michelle arrives.
MICHELLE
AARON--
AARON
No, I haven't made the call about the
down payment yet.
MICHELLE
I wasn't going to say that.
AARON
No I'm not going to have sex with you.
MICHELLE
I wasn't going to say that.
AARON
What were you going to say?
(CONTINUED)
47.
CONTINUED:
MICHELLE
(WEAKLY)
Hi.
He goes inside leaving Michelle standing there. Duncan comes
out and heads for Oscar.
DUNCAN
I'll kill him!
Elaine tries to keep Duncan away from Oscar, who is stressed
enough and looks terrified.
ELAINE
Dad, leave it alone!
DUNCAN
Leave it alone?! He just knocked my
brother-in-law out of his coffin.
ELAINE
It wasn't his fault.
DUNCAN
Yes it was. My sister is in tears. I
can't believe you brought this idiot!
I don't ever want to see him again, do
you understand me?
ELAINE
I can't do that.
DUNCAN
Why not?
ELAINE
Because we're... moving in together.
Duncan looks over at Oscar, who looks like he's just seen a
ghost. He's struggling to stand up straight, with Jeff who's
doing his best to look after him.
DUNCAN
Are you crazy?
ELAINE
Dad, this isn't actually what he's
like. He took some drugs and--
DUNCAN
Drugs?! Is he on the pipe?
(CONTINUED)
48.
CONTINUED: (2)
Jeff looks over, his eyes pleading with Elaine not to tell on
him.
ELAINE
No he's not on the pipe. He took some
Valium and had a.bad reaction.
Jeff looks grateful.
DUNCAN
Valium?! That's not a Valium high.
Your mother was on Valium for forty
years. She never knocked over a
coffin.
ELAINE
Dad, please.
DUNCAN
I just want to point out that you
won't see Derek knocking over a
coffin.
ELAINE
Not right now, Dad.
DUNCAN
Fine. I've got to check on Cynthia,
but this isn't over.
Duncan walks back to the house. Elaine walks over to Oscar who
is hugging a tree.
ELAINE
Oscar.
OSCAR
Elaine.
ELAINE
Come and sit down.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Aaron talks to a mourner. Norman comes up and hugs him.
NORMAN
Are you alright?... That was insane.
He just fell out the coffin like a
dead fish. I guess its not much of a
metaphor when you're talking about a
dead human, but--
(CONTINUED)
Death at a Funeral 02/6/0.9 49.
CONTINUED:
Aaron looks at Norman.
AARON
Norman, please.
NORMAN
Oh yeah... Sorry. It's just that you
never know when it's your time. Like,
I have this weird thing on my wrist.
I've had it for a few weeks now. I
don't know what it is--
AARON
Why don't you show it to my Uncle
Duncan? He's a doctor.
NORMAN
He is? Great. Thanks.
Norman walks off toward the kitchen. He passes Uncle Russell
and Ryan talking to Martina.
UNCLE RUSSELL
I read your last book, "Black Hurt."
RYAN
Good, good. Thanks a lot.
UNCLE RUSSELL
I'm not giving you a compliment you
arrogant bastard. What a load of
bullshit. I wouldn't wipe my ass with
it.
Ryan leads Martina away from Uncle Russell.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY
Oscar, Elaine and Jeff are standing together.
OSCAR
I swear it was moving. I must be
losing my mind...
(looks at his hands)
Why are my hands so big?!
ELAINE
Oscar, listen to me. I need to tell
you something...
Elaine sits him down on the bench.
(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED:
OSCAR
What is it?
ELAINE
Now... You remember I gave you some
Valium earlier?
OSCAR
Yes.
ELAINE
Well it turns out that it wasn't
actually Valium.
Oscar just looks at Elaine. Jeff slinks off into the
background.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Can you hear me?
OSCAR
(YELLS)
Hello?
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Cynthia is being comforted by her friends and Duncan. Norman
enters and beckons Duncan over to the side.
NORMAN
Hello, Doctor, I know this is a bad
time, but I've got this thing on my
hand. I've had it for weeks now...
Duncan is looking at Norman incredulously.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
What do you think it is?
Cynthia stands up.
CYNTHIA
Duncan, I'm going back now.
She exits. Reluctantly, Duncan answers Norman.
DUNCAN
You should probably go see a
dermatologist.
He turns to follow his sister out, but Norman pulls him back.
(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED:
NORMAN
Really? Why? What do you think it
is?
DUNCAN
I don't know. It looks like some kind
of pigment mutation.
Duncan walks further out of the room.
NORMAN
Pigment mutation?!
Duncan turns again.
DUNCAN
You're probably just allergic to
something. Maybe from shellfish,
nuts...
Duncan heads further out of the room, but Norman won't give up.
NORMAN
Nuts? What kind of nuts?
Duncan turns around again.
DUNCAN
I don't know. Pecans? Peanuts?...
Excuse me.
Duncan finally exits, leaving Norman looking shocked and
terrified.
NORMAN
(TO HIMSELF)
A pigment mutation?
EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY
Elaine is trying to explain to Oscar.
ELAINE
Do you understand? Hallucinogenic.
Oscar recoils. He turns to Jeff.
JEFF
Yeah, now, the best thing to do is
relax and just go with the flow. Try
and enjoy it.
(CONTINUED)
52.
CONTINUED:
Oscar stands up, panicked and grabs Jeff by the lapels. We see
the bottle of "Valium" falls out of his pocket.
OSCAR
You!
ELAINE
Oscar!
She tries to pull him off Jeff.
OSCAR
How long does it last?
JEFF
I don't know... eight hours?
OSCAR
Eight hours?! Of this?!!
ELAINE
Oscar let go.
She pulls him off Jeff.
ANGLE ON: Derek watching from the window.
OSCAR
I'm going to be sick.
ANGLE ON: Derek smoothing his hair seeing his opportunity.
ANGLE ON: Oscar runs inside. Elaine follows with Jeff in tow.
ELAINE
Oscar! Come back.
They head into the house.
INT. BACK DOOR - DAY
Derek has been looking at Elaine outside and waiting for his
moment. Elaine comes rushing in following Oscar.
DEREK
Oh, hi, Elaine. You following me?
She just runs right past, then Jeff rushes past following
Elaine. Oscar pushes through people.
ELAINE
Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED:
Elaine grabs Oscar and leads him to the stairs.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Excuse me. He's going to be sick.
They head up the stairs with Jeff following.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY
Elaine rounds the corner and leads Oscar to the bathroom.
goes in and shuts the door behind him.
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Oscar is building up quite a sweat and mumbling to himself. He
catches his reflection in the mirror and SCREAMS! Elaine opens
the door.
ELAINE
Oscar.
Oscar grabs the hair-dryer and wields it like a gun.
OSCAR
Stand back!
ELAINE
Oscar, put down the dryer.
OSCAR
Get back or I'll blow your head off.
Oscar backs Elaine out of the bathroom.
ELAINE
Oscar, please--
Oscar shuts the door and locks it.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME
Elaine is pressed against the door.
ELAINE
Oscar, are you okay?
She tries to open the door, but it's locked. Jeff walks up
checking his pockets.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Oscar, let me in.
(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED:
Jeff realizes he lost the pill bottle.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Oscar. Oscar?
JEFF
Uh... Elaine... I can't find the pill
bottle?
But Elaine is too busy to hear.
ELAINE
Oscar! Open the door.
Jeff looks at the floor as he leaves.
INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME
Oscar is talking to himself in the mirror.
OSCAR
Okay. Breathe.
(HE DOES)
It's going to be okay. Breathe.
You're and investment banker. You've
handled mergers for billion dollar
companies. You can do this. Dead
bodies don't move. They don't move.
But that body was moving. It was
moving.
Then he slaps himself.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
Snap out of it! You can handle this.
You can do this.
He runs the tap and splashes some water on his face.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
Alright. You're okay. Stay calm...
Stay calm...
Oscar is still staring at himself in the mirror.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
That's it, Oscar, keep it together.
K.I.T. Keep it together. K.I.T.
Keep it together. Everything's going
to be fine. Nothing moved. Dead
people don't move. They're stiff.
They don't move, do they?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
55
CONTINUED:
OSCAR (CONT'D)
(he screams at himself in the
MIRROR)
DO THEY!!!!
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR
Elaine has her ear pressed against the door. She hears the
scream.
INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME
OSCAR
Easy now. Easy now. We can do this.
A few hours. That's nothing. No
sweat. I mean you've already been in
here for...
He looks at his watch.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
Where's my watch?!
He sees it's on the other wrist.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
Oh!
He checks the time.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
It's already been...
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME
Elaine continues to knock on the door.
ELAINE
Open the door. Oscar.
INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME
Oscar finally gets a read on his watch.
OSCAR
Five minutes.
Suddenly the pressure of. the situation overtakes him.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
God damn! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
56.
INT. DOWNSTAIRS'- SAME TIME
As the screaming and cursing goes on upstairs, Aaron approaches
a mourner who looks concerned.
OSCAR (O.S.)
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
AARON
It's alright.
Aaron turns around not knowing what to do.
FRANK (O.S.)
Grief does strange things to people.
Aaron looks at him a little freaked out by his sudden
appearance.
AARON
I guess so.
FRANK
If you remember, I have something to
talk to you about.
AARON
Oh yeah.
FRANK
Is there somewhere private we could
go?
AARON
Sure.
They walk away. The screaming continues as Jeff, frantically,
but slowly comes down the stairs re-tracing his steps and
searching around for his lost bottle of pills.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Frank and Aaron enter. Frank looks around the room a little
grief stricken himself. Aaron walks to the desk as Frank
touches some mementoes he clearly remembers.
Frank takes out his glasses and notices a manuscript on the desk
with Aaron's name.
FRANK
Are you writing a novel?
(CONTINUED)
57.
CONTINUED:
AARON
Uh... yeah.
Aaron takes the manuscript and moves it away.
FRANK
Like your big brother.
AARON
Actually I'm the oldest. I was
writing before.he was. I've had a few
pieces published in the New Yorker.
But now I'm mainly teaching.
FRANK
Oh. Well, you must be very proud of
your brother then. Getting all his
novels published.
Aaron decides to move the conversation on.
AARON
So anyway. What did you want to talk
about?
He motions for Frank to take a seat and sits across from him.
FRANK
Your father and I were very... close.
AARON
Yeah. Okay. That's good.
FRANK
And we spent a lot of time together.
AARON
Yeah, well Dad was a fun guy.
Frank takes an envelope out of his inside jacket pocket and
takes some photos from the envelope.
FRANK
Um... I've got some photos I want to
show you.
AARON
Sure.
Frank passes the first photo.
(CONTINUED)
58.
CONTINUED: (2)
FRANK
That's me and your Dad in Central Park
in New York.
Aaron looks at the photo curiously.
FRANK (CONT'D)
That's us on Santa Monica Boulevard on
Halloween...
Aaron takes the next one, becoming more suspicious.
AARON
So, where did you and my dad meet?
FRANK
Just around.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY
Elaine is outside the bathroom banging on the door. We can
still hear Oscar moaning inside.
ELAINE
Oscar. Are you alright?
INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME
Oscar is laying in the bathtub. He has his head under the
faucet with his mouth open. A drip falls into his mouth.
OSCAR
Ahhh.
He smacks his lips together and then opens his mouth and waits
for the next drop.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Aaron is sitting with Frank. Frank passes him another photo.
FRANK
That's one of me and your father going
to the premiere of "Dreamgirls". I
was dressed as Deena and your father
had to be Effie.
Aaron looks at the photo of them dressed in drag.
(CONTINUED)
59.
CONTINUED:
AARON
So... I mean you have all these
pictures, but he never said anything
about you. This is the first I'm
SEEING OF--
Frank gives Aaron a knowing look.
AARON (CONT'D)
How did you know my father?
Aaron looks around the room. There is a copy of "People
Magazine" sexiest men issue on the table. He sees figurines of
male ballet dancers. It's getting clearer. He sees three
Robert Mapplethorpe photos on the wall. There's a signed Kathy
Griffin 8x10. Frank looks around waiting for him to get it.
Aaron looks at a framed movie poster for Australia with Hugh
Jackman. Aaron looks back at the picture. He gets it.
AARON (CONT'D)
Oh God...
Aaron jumps up and closes the study door.
FRANK
Are you really that shocked?
Frank gestures around the room.
AARON
I had no idea.
FRANK
I'm sorry. I'm sure he would have
eventually told you, but I guess he
wasn't sure how you'd react.
Aaron shakes in disgust.
AARON
Uugg. Like this.
Aaron gathers his senses. He has a thought and turns to Frank.
AARON (CONT'D)
Does my mother know?
FRANK
No. And there's no reason why she
should... Just as long as I get
what's owed to me.
(CONTINUED)
60.
CONTINUED: (2)
A long pause. Aaron looks over at Frank.
AARON
"What's owed to you"?
FRANK .
Well, obviously I should get
something... I mean, your dad and I
were lovers, and he left me absolutely
nothing in his will. How do you think
that makes me feel?
Aaron fails to respond, because he's in too much shock.
FRANK (CONT'D)
I'll tell you how it makes me feel
cheap. Like some cheap piece of
ass... I mean, I'm entitled to
something.
AARON
What do you want?
FRANK
What I want is a lot, but I'm not
asking you for what I want. I deserve
thirty thousand dollars.
AARON
Thirty thousand dollars?! I can't
just give you thirty thousand dollars.
My wife and I are trying to have kids--
FRANK
Your father told me you were having
trouble...
(BEAT)
Look, your father promised to take
care of me, and I made sacrifices to
keep him happy.
Aaron gets angry.
AARON
You think you can come in here,
slander my father's name and show me a
few photos of you and my dad dressed
up going to see "Dreamgirls"? I saw
"Dreamgirls" twice. I'm not gay.
That's not proof of anything...
"Steppin' to the bad side / Gonna take
a mean ride."
(CONTINUED)
61.
CONTINUED: (3)
Aaron grabs Frank and pushes him against the wall.
AARON (CONT'D)
I'm not giving you anything but a--
Frank pulls out another photo and holds it up to Aaron's face.
Aaron,releases Frank and snatches the picture.
FRANK
Now I don't want to, but I will show
these photos to your mother... Do you
really want me to do that today?
AARON
Wait here.
He exits the study.
INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY
Aaron closes the study door behind him and almost bumps into two
male mourners.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Aaron, I was just telling George here
how when we were boys together your
dad used to love to make us all go
skinny dipping.
Aaron just stares at them. Then he moves toward the living
room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - BUFFET - DAY
Aaron crosses the living room which is full of people mingling
around. He's gone pale.
AARON
(TO HIMSELF)
Oh God, oh God, oh God...
He's looking around for Ryan, but there's no sign-. -Michelle
watches Aaron walk around the room.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR SAME TIME
Elaine is banging on the bathroom door.
ELAINE
Oscar. Open the door.
Derek arrives behind her and leans in close.
(CONTINUED)
62.
CONTINUED:
DEREK
Anything I can do to help?
ELAINE
Not really, thanks.
Derek moves over to face her and leans his arm on the door very
coolly.
DEREK
I guess you've got it under control.
Elaine ignores him and continues banging on the door.
ELAINE
Oscar?
Anguished noises emanate from the bathroom.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Oscar! Open the door.
DEREK
So what are you doing after the
funeral? I've got Maxwell tickets.
ELAINE
Look... I'm busy. I don't have time
for your shit. Now get the hell away
from me!
Derek looks hurt and storms off.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Oscar!
INT. BACK OF KITCHEN - DAY
Ryan is talking to Martina.
RYAN
.so you've never been to New York?
MARTINA
I've been with my parents once.
RYAN
Oh, that's not really seeing New York.
You have to come visit me. When's
your birthday?
(CONTINUED)
63.
CONTINUED:
MARTINA
I turn eighteen next month.
RYAN
Great. All star weekend is in New
York this year.
MARTINA
I know. I know.
Aaron approaches.
AARON
Ryan, I need to talk to you.
RYAN
Not now, Aaron.
AARON
It's important.
RYAN
Give me five minutes.
Aaron pulls him away.
INT. GARAGE - DAY
Aaron pulls Ryan into the garage and closes the door.
RYAN
What are you doing? What is it?
Aaron lowers his voice.
AARON
That guy that was here before, that we
didn't recognize...
RYAN
The guy in the leather jacket?
AARON
Yeah.
RYAN
What about him?
Aaron lowers his voice further.
(CONTINUED)
64
CONTINUED:
AARON
Well, I was just with him in the
study, and... and he showed me some
pictures...
RYAN
So? He showed you some picture?
What's wrong with that? I'm busy...
AARON
Pictures of him and Dad together at
the premiere of "Dreamgirls".
Ryan's face is blank. It's not registering.
RYAN
Look, is this going anywhere, Aaron?
AARON
Ryan, he was Dad's lover!
RYAN
What? No, no, no.
AARON
The guy in the leather jacket just
showed me pictures of him and Dad
together.
RYAN
No, no, no. I don't believe that. My
father is not gay. I've known him my
whole life. And he's the most non-gay
man I've ever met. Matter fact, he's
so straight he makes me seem gay. And
I know I'm not gay--
Aaron pulls out the picture.
RYAN (CONT'D)
Uugg.
AARON
Uugg. I know.
RYAN/AARON
Uugg/Uugg.
Aaron nods.
65.
INT. DINING AREA - SAME TIME
Norman and Derek are sitting at the table. Norman is looking at
his wrist.
DEREK
How can she be more interested in that
idiot than me? Women. They don't
know what they want!
Norman's still examining his arm.
NORMAN
It sounds serious, doesn't it?
DEREK
What?
NORMAN
A pigment mutation.
Derek gives Norman a disparaging look. Norman picks up some
cake and takes a bite.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
Ooh, will you try this cake? I think
it might have nuts in it.
DEREK
So?
NORMAN
(shows his wrist)
So?... Aaron's uncle says I might be
allergic to nuts...
DEREK
Then don't eat nuts. Put the cake
down.
NORMAN
I can't not eat the cake. That's what
I do when I'm stressed. I eat cake.
DEREK
I bet you won't eat it when your arm
falls off.
Norman sniffs the cake.
(CONTINUED)
66.
CONTINUED:
NORMAN
Will you just try it and tell me if
there's nuts in it?
DEREK
No.
NORMAN
Come on.
DEREK
I don't want to.
NORMAN
Just do me a favor--
Norman is pushing the cake towards Derek's mouth.
DEREK
Get away from me.
Derek gets up and walks off, leaving Norman spitting out the
cake.
From under the table, Jeff pops up.
JEFF
You haven't seen a pill bottle around,
have you? A Valium pill bottle?
NORMAN
No. But can you try this--
Jeff smiles nervously and goes back to his search on the floor.
Jeff slides across the floor past Uncle Russell sitting at the
other end of the table. An OLDER LADY turns to Russell.
OLDER LADY
Edward and I watched the Tony Awards
every year. We would get all dressed
up and sip cocktails. I'm going to
miss him so much.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Don't worry. The way you look, you
won't be far behind.
The mourner looks shocked. Jeff continues his search along the
floor.
67.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - DAY
Cynthia is sitting quietly with Duncan.
DUNCAN
I'm sure we'll start soon.
He looks toward the house and sees Norman exit. Duncan wants to
avoid him.
DUNCAN (CONT'D)
(TO CYNTHIA)
Let's go inside.
CYNTHIA
In a moment.
Duncan gets up and heads toward the house. He passes Norman.
NORMAN
Doctor, I just have a--
Duncan doesn't stop, leaving Norman holding his wrist. Norman
looks over and sees Cynthia. He sits next to her.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
I'm sorry... you know... about... you
know...
CYNTHIA
Thank you. I'll be alright. I know
he's watching over me.
NORMAN
You think so?' I mean, there are a lot
of fine ones up in heaven. Anna
Nicole Smith's dead too, you know.
might be watching over her.
Norman sits next to Cynthia.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
Death is a terrible thing... Did you
check to make sure he.was wearing
shoes? I hear they steal the shoes.
And I hope you took off his ring,
'cause if it's worth anything, someone
is going to take that, too.
Cynthia stares at Norman.
(CONTINUED)
68.
CONTINUED:
NORMAN (CONT'D)
Before he died, did he have a rash?
She gets up and exits. Norman notices Jeff's pill bottle on the
ground. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
INT. KITCHEN - LATER
The camera closes in on the closed garage door. We hear hushed
voices.
INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
AARON
You don't understand. If we don't
give him the money, he's going to show
Mom the picture.
RYAN
Okay. Let me think, let me think.
Ryan is trying to come up with a solution.
RYAN (CONT'D)
I think you should pay him the money.
AARON
What do you mean, you think I should
pay him the money? Where the hell is
all your money?
RYAN
I'm in debt up to my ass. I'm broke,
man!
AARON
So after paying for the funeral, the
clothes, the catering... Now I'm
supposed to shell out thirty thousand
dollars? He's your father, too.
RYAN
You're the oldest. Besides, you've
been living off Mom and Dad long
enough. You must have some money
saved. You haven't paid rent in two
years.
AARON
I have not been living off of them...
I've been living with them.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
69.
CONTINUED:
AARON (CONT'D)
No I haven't paid rent, but Dad hasn't
worked in five years. Who do you
think has been paying all the bills?
RYAN
Well if you've got money problems and
I've got money problems, what can we
do? Fuck him!
Aaron shows Ryan the photo again.
RYAN (CONT'D)
You've got to pay him.
INT. BATHROOM - SAME TIME
Oscar is sitting on the toilet unrolling the toilet paper.
OSCAR
Yes, yes. Keep coming. Join the
others. Join the others.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME
Elaine leans against the door.
ELAINE
Oscar?
OSCAR (O.S.)
Oscar?
ELAINE
Oscar?
She tries the door. It's still locked.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Oscar?
OSCAR (O.S.)
Oscar?
ELAINE
Oscar.
OSCAR (O.S.)
Oscar.
ELAINE
Os...
(CONTINUED)
70.
CONTINUED:
OSCAR (O.S.)
.car.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - SITTING AREA - SAME TIME
Jeff frantically searches the bushes where Oscar pushed him,
looking for the pill bottle. He finds nothing.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Uncle Russell is creating havoc at the buffet table. He's
pushing people aside and poking them with his cane.
REVEREND DAVIS
Are you alright?
UNCLE RUSSELL
No, my nephew is dead and these
bastards ate all the potato salad.
Nearby mourners look appalled. The reverend looks over and sees
Aaron and Ryan coming down the kitchen corridor. She approaches
them.
INT. KITCHEN CORRIDOR - DAY
Reverend Davis appears in front of Aaron and Ryan.
REVEREND DAVIS
Ah! I think we're just about ready to
start the service, so-
AARON
Would you mind giving us five minutes?
REVEREND DAVIS
(NOT HAPPY)
Of course.
AARON
Thanks.
Aaron walks off followed by Ryan. He passes Michelle, who's
sitting on the couch. She stands up.
MICHELLE
Is everything okay?
AARON
No. I'm really sorry, honey, but
buying a condo is going to have to be
put on hold, just for now.
(CONTINUED)
71.
CONTINUED:
MICHELLE
What are you talking about? Why?
AARON
Babe, you know I wouldn't do this
unless I had a good reason.
MICHELLE
What's the reason?
AARON
I haven't got time right now, please.
I'll explain later.
MICHELLE
BUT--
Aaron walks off to join Ryan, who's at the door of the study.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Frank is reading Aaron's manuscript. Ryan and Aaron enter.
RYAN
(TO FRANK)
You? So you and my--. You?! It's
you. So when I called my father and
he didn't answer, he was with you?!
Aaron realizes what Frank is reading.
AARON
Hey, hey, hey!
Aaron rushes over and takes the manuscript away from Frank.
AARON (CONT'D)
What are you doing with my
manuscript?! It's not ready.
He puts it in the desk.
FRANK
Well, you left it on a coffee table.
AARON
What's that supposed to mean?
FRANK
Well, when you put things on coffee
tables, it's assumed it's for
everybody.
(CONTINUED)
72.
CONTINUED:
RYAN
It kind of is...
AARON
Can we get to the point here?
FRANK
Fine by me.
Aaron is now extremely irritated. He exchanges a look with Ryan
confirming that there's no other way out.
AARON
(TO FRANK)
If I write this check, then that's it.
You give us the photos and stay away
from our mother. Deal?
FRANK
Deal.
Aaron sits down at the desk and reluctantly takes out his check
book. He starts writing.
FRANK (CONT'D)
(TO AARON)
Is it your first one?
Aaron stops writing and looks up at him.
AARON
What?
FRANK
The novel... it's a first draft?
AARON
Yeah. So?
FRANK
No, nothing.
Aaron continues to write the check.
FRANK (CONT'D)
I tried writing once... Didn't work
for me, either. I think it's just a
gift. You either have it or you
don't... It must be hard for you
though, especially since your younger
brother is such a great writer.
(TO RYAN)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
73
CONTINUED: (2)
FRANK (CONT'D)
Your father and I read "Black Hurt"
together. Truly amazing. We loved
it. He was so proud of you.
RYAN
Thanks... I guess...
Aaron rips the check into little pieces.
AARON
That's it. I can't do it.
RYAN
Aaron, what are you doing?
AARON
There's no way in the world I'm giving
him my hard earned money.
RYAN
Don't be stupid. Not today. I'll pay
you back as soon as my money comes in.
AARON
He comes in today! Of all days, he
picks the day of my father's funeral!
Who the hell is he?
RYAN
He has the pictures!
AARON
So what. Who cares what he's got.
Let him show the world. Put it on
facebook. I don't care.
RYAN
AARON-
AARON
Let's just get it over with.
There's a long pause as everyone seems to be deciding what to
do. Finally, Frank stands up.
FRANK
Fine. This is on your head.
Frank heads towards the door.
RYAN
What? No, wait.
(CONTINUED)
74.
CONTINUED: (3)
Ryan rushes to stand in front of the door, blocking Frank's
EXIT
FRANK
Get out of my way.
RYAN
Let's just discuss this a minute.
FRANK
There's nothing to discuss.
Frank grabs the door and tries to open it.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Get out of my way.
He tries to push past, but Ryan covers his mouth, muffling his
cries.
FRANK (CONT'D)
(MUFFLED)
Get out of my way. Move!
Ryan restrains Frank.
INT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME
A few mourners hear the commotion and the muffled voices. They
turn to look.
INT. STUDY - SAME TIME
Ryan grabs Frank and wrestles him to the ground. Aaron watches,
absolutely shocked as Ryan and Frank roll around on the floor.
Aaron jumps up and stands between them and the door.
AARON
Ryan, what are you doing?
FRANK
Get off me!
Ryan is trying to muffle Frank's screams.
RYAN
Aaron, help me!
Ryan is holding Frank down and trying to keep him quiet.
FRANK
Ah!!
(CONTINUED)
75.
CONTINUED:
RYAN
Aaron, you got any rope or duct tape?
AARON
What?! I'm not a serial killer. I
don't keep rope and duct tape in my
pocket.
RYAN
Well just grab something!
(indicating with his head)
There, from the curtains.
Aaron grabs the cord that's tied around the curtains. He holds
it over the wrestling duo, but Ryan's hands are occupied with
Frank.
RYAN (CONT'D)
Tie his legs.
Aaron grabs his legs and in doing so falls on top of Frank as
well. As he wraps the curtain cord around Frank's legs...
AARON
This is a really bad idea.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY
Elaine leans against the wall listening as Oscar hums in the
bathroom. She slides down the wall and sits on the floor.
EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW - SAME TIME
From a rooftop POV we see the window slide open and Oscar,
dripping with sweat and not wearing a shirt, lean out. He takes
a deep breath of fresh air and listens to the birds.
He climbs out the window revealing he's completely naked. He
stands on-the roof and lifts his hands to the sky.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - SAME TIME
Michelle comes up and sits next to Elaine.
MICHELLE
Men.
ELAINE
Tell me about it... How's Aaron?
(CONTINUED)
76.
CONTINUED:
MICHELLE
How would I know? He's been avoiding
me all day. We're trying to get
pregnant. But I can't really do that
by myself, can I? I feel like I'm
making him eat brussel sprouts every
time we do it.
Elaine looks at her.
ELAINE
The guy's father just died. Don't you
think this is a bad day for sex?
MICHELLE
Don't you think I know that?
ELAINE
I'm sorry. At least your husband
didn't ruin the funeral.
MICHELLE
It's a funeral, it's already ruined.
When you start off with a dead guest
of honor, how much worse can it get?
INT. STUDY - DAY
Ryan and Aaron struggle with Frank, who's muffled cries are
starting to fade.
RYAN
Get that tie.
Aaron grabs the necktie from off the desk.
AARON
What am I supposed to do with the tie?
RYAN
Whatever you do with a tie.
AARON
I don't know what to--
RYAN
Just stuff it in his mouth! Damn,
I have to do everything?
AARON
Apparently everything but write a damn
check.
(CONTINUED)
77.
CONTINUED:
Suddenly the door opens and Norman enters.
NORMAN
Aaron, do you know what was in this
cake, I-
ANGLE ON: Frank who looks at Norman bug eyed hoping he'll help.
RYAN
Shut the goddamn door!
Shocked, Norman does as he's told. It takes Norman a moment to
register that Aaron and Ryan are sitting on top of Frank.
Frank continues screaming through the cloth.
NORMAN
What is going on? Who is that guy?
Ryan thinks quickly.
RYAN
He's having a seizure.
NORMAN
I just found some Valium outside.
Would that help?
RYAN
Yeah. Great. Give him some.
Frank shakes his head "no." Norman gets on his knees with the
guys and opens the bottle.
NORMAN
It's okay. This should help. calm you
down.
Frank tries to protest, but can't. Ryan holds Frank's mouth
open as Aaron holds his nose closed. Norman pours a few pills
into Frank's mouth, then Ryan holds Frank's mouth shut.
Suddenly the door opens again and Jeff walks in.
JEFF
Have you seen a little brown pill
bottle lying around--
They all turn to Jeff. Frank looks at him, hoping this time
he'll get saved.
(CONTINUED)
78
CONTINUED: (2)
RYAN
Norman! I told you to lock the damn
door.
NORMAN
You said "shut the damn door."
Jeff locks the door and looks shocked.
JEFF
What's going on?
NORMAN
He's having a seizure.
JEFF
Why is he all tied up?
No one knows what to say.
EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME
Oscar stands on the roof, naked, breathing in the fresh air.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Jeff, Aaron, Ryan and Norman are all kneeling over Frank.
JEFF
He's blackmailing you? Over what?
AARON
If I could tell everybody, it wouldn't
be blackmail.
RYAN
Look, just trust us. He's the bad
guy. We'll explain later.
NORMAN
What are you going to do with him?
Everyonerealizes they have no answer to this question.
AARON
Yeah, Ryan, what are we going to do
with him?
Ryan doesn't have any answers.
RYAN
I don't know.
(CONTINUED)
79.
CONTINUED:
AARON
You don't know?! Come on, you're the
big writer. You're the one who came
up with "Black Hurt." Dream up
something where we all live happily
ever after. We can't keep him tied up
forever. How long do you think those
Valium are going to last?
JEFF
Valium?
NORMAN
Yeah, I found that bottle of Valium.
We gave him a few to calm him down.
Norman hands him the bottle.
JEFF
Ah shit!
Jeff stands up and heads over to the door.
AARON
What?
FRANK
(MUFFLED)
What?
They all head over to Jeff.
Frank looks extremely curious to know what's going on. Everyone
talks very quietly so that Frank can't hear.
RYAN
What is it?
JEFF
The thing is... those pills aren't
really Valium. It's acid and... acid.
AARON
What?!
JEFF
Oscar took one by mistake. That's why
he's acting crazy.
AARON
Jeff, what the hell are you doing with
this stuff?
(CONTINUED)
80.
CONTINUED: (2)
JEFF
A friend left them at my place.
AARON
What friend, Amy Winehouse?
RYAN
Wait, you're telling us that Elaine's
boyfriend, who knocked over our
father's coffin, had just one of these
things...
AARON
(TO NORMAN)
And you gave him how many?
Norman looks a bit guilty.
NORMAN
Five.
JEFF
Five?!
(looking at Frank)
Poor bastard.
NORMAN
I thought they were Valium.
They all turn and look at Frank who is looking back at them,
increasingly concerned by whatever conversation they are having,
and the pitying expressions on their faces.
AARON
Maybe we should call an ambulance.
JEFF
You can't do that. I'll go to jail.
RYAN
He's right. If anyone finds out this
guy's been force fed acid, we could
all be arrested.
AARON
So what then? What's going to happen?
Is he going to die?!
JEFF
No... I don't think so... I doubt
it.. Probably not...
(CONTINUED)
81.
CONTINUED: (3)
The moment is broken by someone trying the door, followed by a
knock.
CYNTHIA (O.S.)
Ryan?
EXT. HALLWAY - SAME TIME
Cynthia is knocking on the door.
CYNTHIA
Aaron?
INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS
They all back away from the door.
CYNTHIA (O.S.
Are you in there?
They look at each other in panic.
RYAN
Damn.
AARON
(as normal as possible)
Be out in a minute, Mom.
Ryan looks at Norman and Jeff.
RYAN
(to Norman and Jeff)
Okay. We have to go out there. You
two stay in here and watch him.
Ryan closes the curtains.
NORMAN
Watch him?! What do you mean, "watch
him"?
RYAN
Just make sure he doesn't escape.
Lock the door behind us. We'll deal
with him after the funeral.
Aaron and Ryan open the study door leaving Norman and Jeff to
take care of Frank.
82.
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
Aaron and Ryan come outside trying to look as normal as
possible. They see Cynthia standing with the reverend.
AARON .
How's it going, Mom?
CYNTHIA
Reverend Davis wants to talk with you.
INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS
Norman locks the door behind them.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Reverend Davis tries to remain cool, but she's agitated.
REVEREND DAVIS
Lookie here, brother. I've been
patient. We all know it's a virtue,
but I'm about done with patience. Now
if we don't resume service soon, we're
going to need to have a little
conversation about my compensation.
AARON
Sure. So sorry. Um... can you just
give us another five minutes?
The reverend doesn't look too pleased.
REVEREND DAVIS
Five minutes.
CYNTHIA
Is everything okay, boys?
Ryan and Aaron kiss their mother and walk off.
INT. GARAGE - DAY
Aaron and Ryan enter and slam the door.
RYAN
Why didn't you just pay him the
money?!
AARON
Why did you tie him up?!
(CONTINUED)
83.
CONTINUED:
RYAN
Do you want Mom to find out?!
AARON
What is wrong with you?
They start to argue.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
We hear their muffled argument through the door. Uncle Russell
rolls up to Derek who is sitting at the kitchen table.
UNCLE RUSSELL
What's your problem?!
DEREK
Women are my problem.
UNCLE RUSSELL
No such thing as having a woman
without a problem. If they didn't
have problems, do you think they'd let
us touch 'em? Let me tell you
something about women. Smarter than
you think they are. But not as smart
as they think they are.
DEREK
She acts like she doesn't care that I
exist. I mean how can she not feel
what I feel?
UNCLE RUSSELL
(LAUGHS)
Oh she feels it. She's playing hard
to get. She wants you to work for it.
Look, let me tell something about
women. They want a man who can
control them. I know they talk all
this Oprah, Beyonce "single women" BS,
but what they really want is an old
school man.
DEREK
Really?
UNCLE RUSSELL
Listen here, boy. This is what you
do: you walk up to her, slap her--
(CONTINUED)
84.
CONTINUED:
DEREK
Slap her? You want me to hit her?
UNCLE RUSSELL
Has not hitting her worked? Look,
then you grab her and kiss her. The
harder the better.
DEREK
Are you sure, 'cause that--
UNCLE RUSSELL
Oh, man, I gotta shit. Where's the
can?
He rolls away quickly.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Norman and Jeff are sitting in the study. Frank is on the floor
tied up, breathing heavily and making gurgling sounds.
JEFF
I can't believe you gave him five.
Even if they were Valium, that's too
many. I wouldn't give a guy five
cough drops.
Suddenly they hear the doorknob rattle. Norman and Jeff both
look terrified.
FRANK
(MUFFLED)
Hello?
Jeff covers his mouth.
UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.)
Hello?!
Neither Norman nor Jeff want to speak. They argue in gestures.
Finally Jeff relents.
JEFF
Hello?
UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.)
I need the toilet.
Jeff and Norman both look panicked. Norman goes to the door.
(CONTINUED)
85.
CONTINUED:
NORMAN
Can't you use the one upstairs?
UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.)
I'm in a wheelchair, you idiot! How
am I supposed to get up the stairs?!
FRANK
(MUFFLED)
Hello?
Norman and Jeff look at each other not knowing what to do.
UNCLE RUSSELL (O.S.)
Open the damn door!
Uncle Russell starts banging on the door with his cane.
NORMAN
What are we going to do?
They look at Frank who's starting to look high as a kite.
JEFF
We'll stick him behind the couch.
NORMAN
(CALLS OUT)
Just looking for the key.
They pick Frank up and dump him behind the couch.
Jeff stays with Frank to keep him quiet as Norman opens the
door. Uncle Russell wheels himself inside.
UNCLE RUSSELL
What the hell is wrong with you
people? I'm about to take a dump in
my pants!
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY
Elaine is still standing outside the bathroom.
Derek comes up to talk to her. Elaine's completely drained and
stressed.
ELAINE
What do you want, Derek?
DEREK
I just want to talk.
(CONTINUED)
86.
CONTINUED:
ELAINE
Please don't make me go through this
again.
DEREK
The only reason you don't want to go
out with me is because your dad likes
me.
ELAINE
No. The reason I don't want to go out
with you is because it was a mistake.
I was drunk off my ass. You could
have been a donkey.
DEREK
Thanks.
ELAINE
That wasn't a compliment. I'm saying
I couldn't remember it.
DEREK
Well I remember every minute of it.
ELAINE
A minute, huh? That's why I don't
remember.
DEREK
What is it about this guy? What has
he got that I haven't got?
ELAINE
Okay, well for one thing, he's
responsible. He's caring. He's
considerate. He's thoughtful. He's
stable. He's--
EXT. ROOF - DAY
Oscar is leaning over the ledge playing with his spit and
laughing uncontrollably.
INT. GARAGE DAY
Aaron and Ryan are still arguing.
AARON
I'm not the one who tied him up.
(CONTINUED)
87.
CONTINUED:
RYAN
Well somebody had to look out for Mom.
AARON
(INCENSED)
I've been looking out for Mom since
you got your book deal.
RYAN
You just can't get over it, can you?
You're burning with jealousy because I
left and did what you always wanted to
do.
AARON
I couldn't leave because I had
responsibilities.
RYAN
Don't put it off on responsibilities.
You spent three years on a novel and
you won't even let anyone see it!
What are you going to do? Wait until
you're dead? You think you're going
to be the Tupac of books?
AARON
At least I'm not some hack writing
crap. Mr. "Mama's Secret", Mr. "Black
Hurt."
RYAN
Mr. "Out of Ink", Mr. "Blank Page." At
least my crap gets published.
Michelle enters.
MICHELLE
Aaron, what is going on?
AARON
Michelle, please, not now.
MICHELLE
Why are you acting like this? Fine.
We don't have to have sex today, but
the condo? Don't you want to get out
of here?
AARON
MICHELLE--
(CONTINUED)
88.
CONTINUED: (2)
RYAN
Just tell her, Aaron.
MICHELLE
Tell me what?
Aaron closes the garage door.
AARON
Listen... Do you remember the guy in
the leather jacket?
MICHELLE
Yeah.
AARON
Well, I don't know how to say this,
but... it looks like he and my father
were having sex.
MICHELLE
What? No. Not your father. With
him?
AARON
Yes.
MICHELLE
No. Your father was the straightest
guy I know.
RYAN
That's what I thought.
MICHELLE
Are you sure?
AARON
And now he wants thirty thousand
dollars or he's going to show everyone
photos of them doing... stuff...
MICHELLE
Stuff like what?
Aaron and Ryan share a look. Aaron shows Michelle the picture.
She reacts.
INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY
Norman lifts Uncle Russell out of the chair.
(CONTINUED)
89.
CONTINUED:
UNCLE RUSSELL
Hurry up!
Norman is struggling to hold Uncle Russell up.
UNCLE RUSSELL (CONT'D)
Have you got me?
NORMAN
Yes, I've got you.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Come on, quick, quick, quick.
NORMAN
Alright, I'm trying to see where the
toilet is.
He maneuvers Uncle Russell to the toilet.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Pants down. Pants down.
NORMAN
No you do it.
UNCLE RUSSELL
How can I do it? I'm handicapped.
Norman reluctantly helps Uncle Russell pull his pants down.
NORMAN
Alright. Alright.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Drawers. Drawers. Take down my
drawers.
NORMAN
Who calls them "drawers"?
Norman pulls them down.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
It's all down.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Am I there? Am I there?
Norman looks and sees Uncle Russell is right over the toilet.
(CONTINUED)
90.
CONTINUED: (2)
NORMAN
Yes, yes. Just sit down.
Uncle Russell sits down on the toilet trapping Norman's hand
underneath and lets loose.
UNCLE RUSSELL
Ooh, that's better.
Norman pulls his hand out and looks at it in shock.
ANGLE ON: Norman's hand has shit on the fingers. He starts
freaking out and screaming.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Jeff hears Norman and jumps up.
NORMAN (O.S.)
Ahh!!!
Jeff goes into the bathroom to see what's going on.
INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY
Jeff opens the door and rushes in, but is stopped in his tracks
by Norman's shitty hand.
NORMAN
Ahh!!!
JEFF
Ugh!
Norman, panicking, rushes to the sink, turns on the faucet full
blast and sticks his hand under the water. This causes a great
splashing.
INT. STUDY - SAME TIME
Frank peeks up from behind the couch. He's clearly high. With
his hands still tied, he struggles to get to his feet.
INT. STUDY BATHROOM - DAY
Norman frantically washes his hands.
JEFF
Norman? Norman?
Norman still has his face down.
(CONTINUED)
91
CONTINUED:
NORMAN
Please, please. Just come off.
JEFF
Norman!
Norman turns and we see he has shit splattered on his face.
NORMAN
What?
Jeff points to his face.
JEFF
You missed some.
Norman turns slowly and looks in the mirror. He freaks out.
NORMAN
Oh, I think I've got some of it in my
mouth!
Norman desperately rushes to wash it off.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Frank is now up on his feet and running around like a rabid
animal.
INT. STUDY BATHROOM - SAME TIME
Jeff pulls Norman up and shakes him.
JEFF
Pull yourself together. Would you
rather get caught or have shit in your
mouth?!
Uncle Russell has fallen asleep on the toilet.
INT. STUDY - SAME TIME
Frank is running around the room. Through the door, we see
Uncle Russell sleeping on the toilet.
Frank jumps up and down on the sofa. He loses his balance and
falls on the coffee table head first. He cracks his head on the
corner and falls straight down.
Jeff and Norman rush out of the bathroom to find Frank lying on
the floor motionless, blood on his head.
(CONTINUED)
92.
CONTINUED:
NORMAN
Oh, no. Check him. Check him.
JEFF
Hey, man, you alright?
No response.
NORMAN
Check him again. Check him.
JEFF
Man. Hey. Hey!
NORMAN
Wake him up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake
up.
JEFF
What's his name?
NORMAN
I don't know. Try Larry.
Jeff looks at Norman, but he doesn't have a better idea.
JEFF
Larry?
NORMAN
Shake him.
Jeff bends down and shakes him.
JEFF
Larry, wake up. It's time to get up.
From the bathroom, Uncle Russell starts to stir. Norman quickly
closes the door.
NORMAN
Maybe it's not Larry. Try something
else. Pinch him.
Jeff pinches Frank. Still no response.
NORMAN (CONT'D)
He must be breathing. He has to be
breathing. Please God let him be
breathing.
(CONTINUED)
93.
CONTINUED: (2)
Jeff looks concerned. He checks for a pulse. He looks up at
Norman with an expression that tells us all we need to know.
JEFF
He's dead.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Michelle walks into frame and stops at the coffin. Aaron and.
Ryan stand on either side of her.
MICHELLE
So that's it? We're just giving him
all the money we've saved?
AARON
Well, it's not that simple.
MICHELLE
Why not?
RYAN
Aaron refused to pay.
MICHELLE
How come you couldn't pay, Ryan?
RYAN
That's not the point. Besides, the
only reason Aaron tore up the check is
because the guy started talking bad
about his novel.
MICHELLE
Your novel?
Michelle looks confused.
MICHELLE (CONT'D)
You let him read your novel? You
wouldn't let me read your novel. Are
you screwing him, too? 'Cause Lord
knows you're not screwing me.
INT.HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Norman comes out of the study and closes the door behindhim.
He leans against the door, dripping with sweat.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Aaron and Ryan look over and see Norman.
(CONTINUED)
94.
CONTINUED:
ANGLE ON: Norman as he pastes a maniacal grin on his face and
crosses into the living room. As he moves through the throng of
mourners, they are all unnerved by him.
NORMAN
Hi. Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me. Hi.
The hugesmile never leaves his face.
ANGLE ON: Ryan, Aaron and Michelle watching Norman, concerned.
Norman approaches and stands on the other side of the coffin.
AARON
Norman, why are you grinning like
that?
NORMAN
(to Aaron and Ryan)
Can you come to the study for a
second?
Aaron can see from Norman's face, and the sweat on his forehead,
that something serious has happened. Then he sees Cynthia
sitting in the corner.
AARON
(TO MICHELLE)
I'll be back soon. Can you check on
Mom?
MICHELLE
Sure.
They exit. Michelle crosses to Cynthia.
MICHELLE (CONT'D)
Hey, are you doing okay? It's going
to be alright.
CYNTHIA
If you've never given life, child, how
can you understand death?
INT. STUDY - DAY
Jeff is leaning on the window. There's a knock at the door.
AARON (O.S.)
It's Aaron.
Jeff opens the door. Norman, Ryan and Aaron enter. Norman
locks the door behind them. Aaron rushes over to the body.
(CONTINUED)
95
CONTINUED:
AARON (CONT'D)
Oh shit! Call an ambulance.
JEFF
There's no point.
AARON
What do you mean "there's no point"?!
JEFF
Look at him! He's dead!
AARON
Dead, dead?
RYAN
Is there a "kind of" dead, Aaron?
AARON
What the hell did you do to him?
NORMAN
We didn't do anything!
AARON
Well he was alive when I left.
JEFF
He hit his head on the table.
AARON
Oh no. This is really bad. This is
really, really bad.
JEFF
What are we going to do?
AARON
Twenty-five to life.
Norman looks at his watch.
NORMAN
You know what, I really have to be
SOMEPLACE ELSE--
Norman makes his way to the door.
JEFF
You're not going anywhere.
(CONTINUED)
96.
CONTINUED: (2)
NORMAN
Look, I'm not the prison type.
They'll kill me. Oh my God, I'm going
to die. I'm going to die in prison.
Oh my God, do you know how fast a rash
spreads in prison?
Aaron smacks Norman.
AARON
Pull yourself together!
Norman calms down.
NORMAN
Thanks, man.
After a beat, Ryan speaks.
RYAN
Look, no one here knows who this guy
is. Nobody knows his name. They
probably didn't even notice him.
AARON
Didn't notice him? He's four fucking
feet tall.
RYAN
Look, all we have to do is get rid of
the body. It'll be like he came and
left.
AARON
Get rid of the body?! It took me two
months to get rid of a couch.
JEFF
Did any of you happen to notice the
size of Uncle Edward's coffin?
Everyone looks at Jeff.
AARON
(TO JEFF)
You want to bury him with my father?
JEFF
Why not?... I mean it's not like he's
going to know.
(CONTINUED)
97.
CONTINUED: (3)
AARON
That's not the point.
RYAN
You have to admit, it makes sense,
Aaron. The coffin's there, the hole
in the ground's there... He'll be
gone, finished, end of story...
Unless you have a better suggestion.
Aaron desperately tries to think of an alternative.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY
Derek and Elaine are sitting in the corridor. Elaine looks
drained of energy. Derek's smoking a cigarette.
DEREK
It's funny. No matter what you say,
I'm convinced we'll be together.
ELAINE
Yeah, well, we all make mistakes... I
used to be convinced I was going to
marry Prince. What happened there?
DEREK
You still could.
ELAINE
You're an idiot.
DEREK
I'm serious. You only live once. You
might as well do whatever it is that
makes you happy.
ELAINE
Yes, but maybe I don't think of life
anymore as all about me, me, me.
Maybe I've discovered there's
something outside of myself that I
care about. And maybe you should,
too.
Derek looks hurt.
DEREK
That's kind of cold. I care about
you.
(CONTINUED)
98.
CONTINUED:
ELAINE
No, Derek, you care about you. You
only care about me in relation to how
I affect you. There's a difference.
DEREK
That's not true, Elaine.
EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME
Oscar is squatting down rolling his head around when he hears
Elaine's voice.
ELAINE (O.S.)
Derek, get over yourself.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
Elaine moves over to the window. Derek follows her.
DEREK
Hey!
He slaps her on the butt. Elaine whirls around. Derek grabs
her on the arms.
DEREK (CONT'D)
I'm the man for you, and you're coming
home with me.
He kisses her.
EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Oscar turns to look at the window and sees Derek and Elaine
kissing.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - LATER
Elaine pulls away and punches Derek in the face. He staggers
back and sees Oscar in the window.
DEREK
What is that?!
Elaine turns around.
ELAINE
Oscar!
99.
EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Oscar moves away from the window and further out on the ledge.
Elaine opens the window and sticks her head out.
ELAINE
Oscar! What are you doing? Get back
here and put your clothes on right
now!
OSCAR
I saw you kissing him.
ELAINE
I wasn't kissing him. I swear.
Please, baby, put your clothes on.
We're at a funeral!
Derek sticks his head out the window behind Elaine.
OSCAR
You cheater! You cheater! You're
committing adultery!!!
ELAINE
Calm down.
OSCAR
I'm going to jump right now.
ELAINE
Remember you've got drugs in you.
This isn't really happening. Oscar,
look at me.
She turns to Derek.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
(TO DEREK)
Get out of here!
She pushes him back inside.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME
As mourners mill about the lawn we hear:
OSCAR (O.S.)
I'm going to jump. I'm jumping.
You're a cheater!
(CONTINUED)
100.
CONTINUED:
People gather. around and look up. We only see Oscar from the
waist up.
ANGLE ON: Oscar.
OSCAR (CONT'D)
I'm going to jump. She's cheating on
me!
ELAINE (O.S.)
Oscar, please. Come back here.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Ryan, Aaron, Jeff and Norman are as we left them.
NORMAN
There's just no way we can do it.
It's impossible.
Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Everyone freezes.
DEREK (O.S.)
Norman, it's Derek. Let me in.
Everyone freezes.
RYAN
Oh shit. Put him in the bathroom.
Aaron and Jeff drag Frank to the bathroom door.
DEREK (O.S.)
Are you in there?
Aaron opens the door and we see Uncle Russell still on the
toilet. He looks up.
UNCLE RUSSELL
What's that?
Aaron slams the door. We can hear Russell's muffled shouting
coming from behind the bathroom door.
AARON
Norman!! Why is Uncle Russell on the
toilet?
NORMAN
I forgot!
(CONTINUED)
101.
CONTINUED:
AARON
How could you forget?! What the hell
is wrong with you?!
Another loud bang on the door.
DEREK (O.S.)
Aaron, open the door.
Norman opens the door as Aaron runs over to keep Derek from
entering.
INT. STUDY/CORRIDOR - DAY
Aaron opens the door an inch.
AARON
What is it?
DEREK
Aaron, where's Norman?
NORMAN
(from behind the door)
I'm here.
DEREK
It's Oscar, he went crazy. He's--
Derek realizes that something weird's going on.
DEREK (CONT'D)
What's going on?
AARON
Nothing.
Derek puts aside his curiosity for the time being.
DEREK
Look, Oscar's on the roof stark naked.
He saw me kissing Elaine and now he's
threatening to jump!
JEFF
I've got to go.
Jeff rushes to the door.
RYAN
Where are you going?
(CONTINUED)
102.
CONTINUED:
JEFF
I have to go out there. If he jumps,
my sister is going to kill me.
Jeff rushes out.
AARON
(to Ryan and Norman)
Wait here.
Aaron follows Jeff, but he does not run. He walks out.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jeff rushes through the empty room. Aaron walks behind him
slowly.
EXT. BACK GARDEN DAY
Jeff runs through the kitchen door and joins the mourners
looking at Oscar on the roof.
ELAINE
Get back here. Be careful!
OSCAR
I believe I can fly! I believe I can
touch the sky!
ANGLE ON: Aaron who steps out and sees everybody watching Oscar.
EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME
Elaine is still leaning out the window.
ELAINE
Oscar, come inside. We'll have some
coffee.
OSCAR
(PETULANTLY)
No!
He climbs up on the roof.
ELAINE
Oscar!
She climbs out the window.
103.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME
The mourners see that Oscar is naked. He stumbles. Everybody
GASPS!
Aaron notices that everybody is captivated by the drama.
EXT. ROOF - SAME TIME
Elaine follows Oscar on the roof.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - SAME TIME
Duncan sees Elaine on the roof.
DUNCAN
Elaine, what are you doing?!
Elaine sees Oscar climbing further up the roof.
DUNCAN (CONT'D)
Elaine!
Elaine follows Oscar.
Aaron realizes this is his chance. He heads back inside.
Michelle catches him at the door.
MICHELLE
What are you doing?
AARON
I think I can get rid of this guy, but
I need you to stay out here and try to
stop anyone from coming in.
MICHELLE
Okay. I'll do what I can.
She heads back to the crowd on the lawn. As Aaron goes through
the doorway of the kitchen, Derek passes him on the way out to
the lawn to see what's happening.
DUNCAN (O.S.)
Elaine!
INT. STUDY - DAY
Norman is standing in the corner. Aaron knocks on the door.
NORMAN
Who is it?
(CONTINUED)
104.
CONTINUED:
AARON (O.S.)
It's Aaron!
Norman opens the door.
AARON (CONT'D)
Everyone's out in the garden... We've
gotta move the body now.
RYAN
Let's go!
Ryan and Aaron grab Frank. As Norman runs out.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Norman looks around and sees that it's clear. He goes back to
the study and opens the door.
NORMAN
Quick. Quick!
Aaron and Ryan carry Frank out as Norman looks around.
RYAN
Make sure no one comes in.
As they disappear around the corner,, Norman closes the study
door. He turns just in time to find Reverend Davis approaching.
He intercepts.
NORMAN
(to Reverend Davis)
Hi!
The reverend looks around, not knowing why Norman is being so
especially friendly to her.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ryan and Aaron hurry across the living room carrying Frank.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Norman is blocking Reverend Davis.
NORMAN
So, what made you decide to get your
God on?
(CONTINUED)
105.
CONTINUED:
REVEREND DAVIS
Look, I'm sorry, I really need to use
THE PHONE--
NORMAN
I'd like to make a confession.
REVEREND DAVIS
I'm not a priest.
NORMAN
That's okay, 'cause I'm not Catholic.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Aaron and Ryan get to the coffin and Ryan opens it up.
There's an intense moment as they look down at their father in
the coffin. They both stop for a moment, speechless.
RYAN
Aaron, we have to do this.
Aaron looks up at Ryan and nods his assent. Ryan and Aaron lift
up Frank and try their best to put him in the coffin.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Norman still blocks the reverend.
NORMAN
What do you think God's favorite color
is?
REVEREND DAVIS
(ANNOYED)
I have no idea.
NORMAN
I'll bet it's blue. The sky's blue.
The seas are blue. And the winds
blew, too.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ryan and Aaron are staring at the body. Frank is on his
stomach, tops to tails with their father. Aaron looks at it and
decides that it's just wrong.
AARON
We can't leave it like that.
(CONTINUED)
106.
CONTINUED:
Ryan looks down and laughs.
RYAN
In a strange way, this might have been
what he wanted.
AARON
Be serious for a second.
They begin lifting him again.
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
Norman is doing his best to keep Reverend Davis at bay.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Aaron and Ryan have swiveled the body around so that Frank is
facing upwards.
RYAN
Why do you say I don't take anything
seriously? You complain about me all
the time, but if I didn't play the bad
boy, you couldn't play the martyr.
(MOCKING)
Aaron's so great, Aaron's so right,
Aaron's so responsible.
(back to normal)
Why don't you try laughing and
enjoying life once in a while? It
might make you a better a writer.
INT. ENTRY CORRIDOR - DAY
Norman is still talking to Reverend Davis. She looks like she
really doesn't want to be there.
REVEREND DAVIS
Look, I must get to a phone. There's
a man on the roof who's going to jump.
NORMAN
I'm addicted to strip clubs. The
shoes, the poles, the smell. I just
like to take my money and throw it in
the air. I like to make it rain.
107.
EXT. ROOF - DAY
Elaine is stepping off the fire escape ladder and onto the roof
peak. Oscar sits sadly on the roof peak with his back to the
crowd.
ELAINE
Oscar... Please don't do this...
love you.
OSCAR
Then why were you with him?
ELAINE
I wasn't with him.
OSCAR
Yes, you were! I saw you!
EXT. BACK GARDEN - CONTINUOUS
Derek is laughing next to Jeff. We see the view from their POV.
EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Elaine finally gets closer to Oscar.
OSCAR
I'll never be good enough. Not for
your dad, and not for you.
ELAINE
Oscar, please just come inside.
OSCAR
No. You go inside.
ELAINE
Come with me.
OSCAR
Why?
ELAINE
Because you're going to be a father.
Oscar looks at her, shocked.
OSCAR
What?
(CONTINUED)
108.
CONTINUED:
ELAINE
I'm pregnant. We're going to have a
child...
ANGLE ON: Oscar and Elaine.
OSCAR
You're pregnant?
Oscar is overcome with emotion. Elaine holds out her hand.
ELAINE
I won't be able to do it without you.
Very slowly, a naked Oscar, walks toward her and they embrace.
The crowd applauds.
ANGLE ON: Michelle.
MICHELLE
What about me?! I want a baby. Would
somebody get me pregnant?!
Everybody looks at Michelle. She smiles weakly.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY
Seeing Oscar is safe, Jeff is very relieved.
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
Norman and the reverend hear applause. Reverend Davis heads
back out to see what's up. Norman turns to check on Ryan and
Aaron.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Aaron and Ryan are just about to close the lid. They both look
down at their father one last time. Aaron takes a moment to
touch his father's hand.
AARON
Bye, Dad.
Ryan takes a long look as he closes the coffin.
EXT. ROOF - DAY
Oscar turns toward the crowd.
(CONTINUED)
109.
CONTINUED:
OSCAR
(ANNOUNCING WILDLY)
We're having a baby.
EXT. BACK GARDEN - DAY
General approval noises and applause come from the crowd.
Duncan looks appalled.
DUNCAN
Great.
Duncan heads toward the kitchen door. He passes a shocked
looking Derek.
Michelle follows and speaks loudly as Duncan is about to enter
the kitchen.
MICHELLE
Aaron?! Oscar's off the roof!
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Aaron and Ryan quickly shut the coffin a moment before Duncan
enters the living room through the kitchen door and crosses on
the way to the stairs.
DUNCAN
I'm going to kill him.
Jeff follows Duncan in, looks at the coffin, then looks at Aaron
and Ryan questioning them with his eyes. They return the look
with silent assurance that the job is done. Michelle comes in.
MICHELLE
(TO AARON)
Hey, is he gone?
AARON
Yeah.
MICHELLE
Thank God.
Everybody breathes a sigh of relief.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Elaine helps Oscar through the window.
OSCAR
Thank you.
(CONTINUED)
110.
CONTINUED:
DUNCAN (O.S.)
Elaine!
Elaine opens the bathroom door and Duncan enters. Elaine helps
Oscar get dressed.
DUNCAN (CONT'D)
(TO ELAINE)
Thank God you're safe.
(TO OSCAR)
You idiot! What the hell is wrong
with you? Stay away from my daughter.
ELAINE
Look, Dad--
DUNCAN
Elaine, stay out of this.
ELAINE
No, I'm not staying out of this.
Remember how I told you we were moving
in together? Well, I lied. We're
getting married.
Duncan is shocked.
DUNCAN
You're what?!
ELAINE
We're getting married.
DUNCAN
Elaine, you don't have to marry him
just because you're pregnant.
ELAINE
I'm not marrying him because I'm
pregnant. I'm marrying him because I
love him.
DUNCAN
How can you love him? He's an idiot.
ELAINE
Dad, this is my life. If you don't
like it, too bad. But if you want to
keep me and my child in your life,
you'd better change your attitude,
especially about my husband.
(CONTINUED)
111.
CONTINUED: (2)
Elaine exits, taking Oscar with her.
OSCAR
Bye, Dad.
They exit.
EXT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Cynthia walks up to Aaron.
CYNTHIA
Baby, I really think we should start
again now. Have you seen Uncle
Russell?
Aaron remembers where he is and looks at Ryan. They rush off to
the study, passing Jeff. Jeff checks his pockets and realizes
the pills are gone again. He goes off to find them.
INT. STUDY - DAY
Aaron and Ryan enter the study and head toward the closed
bathroom door. They open it and find Uncle Russell sitting on
the toilet.
UNCLE RUSSELL
What the hell is going on in this
place?
AARON
I'm so sorry, Uncle Russell. There
was someone on the roof--
UNCLE RUSSELL
Never mind that. What about that dead
body you dragged in here?
Aaron and Ryan feign ignorance.
AARON
What dead body?
UNCLE RUSSELL
Don't mess with me. I know a dead
body when I see one. I live in a
retirement home.
112.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Norman sniffs his fingers, worried. In the background we see
Elaine entering the room with Oscar, now dressed, but still
looking a bit wired. People respond with scattered applause and
congratulations.
Derek walks over and joins Norman.
DEREK
Did you hear that? She's having a
kid!
Derek looks at Norman who's looking sort of distant.
DEREK (CONT'D)
How's your skin thing?
NORMAN
Oh that... It's probably nothing. I'm
more worried about Hepatitis C after
having Uncle Russell's shit in my
mouth. I think I'm feeling yellow.
Norman touches his skin as he walks away, leaving Derek
confused.
ANGLE ON: Jeff frantically looking for the pill bottle. He
gives up and sits in a chair.
ANGLE ON: Ryan is wheeling Uncle Russell into the room as Aaron
moves to his seat.
UNCLE RUSSELL
I'm telling you I saw the guy. He was
dead!
RYAN
I know you did, Russell. We all did.
UNCLE RUSSELL
No! In the bathroom.
Ryan offers a look to the other mourners indicating that Uncle
Russell's a bit mad and shouldn't be listened to.
ANGLE ON: Michelle comes over to Aaron.
AARON
I can't believe what a nightmare today
has been.
(CONTINUED)
113.
CONTINUED:
MICHELLE
I don't know. It's been sort of
exciting.
Aaron looks at her.
MICHELLE (CONT'D)
For a funeral, I mean...
AARON
Listen, about the condo and the baby,
I PROMISE--
MICHELLE
We'll work it out. Let's just get
this day over with. Then we can worry
about the rest of our lives.
Aaron hugs Michelle.
AARON
I can't believe I still have to do
this eulogy... with everything I've
just found out.
A beat.
MICHELLE
It doesn't change anything, does it?
AARON
Not a thing.
Reverend Davis approaches Aaron, looking at her watch and
appearing flustered.
REVEREND DAVIS
We're going to have to fly through
this now. I already missed a funeral
and two Christenings.
AARON
Sure. Let's go.
REVEREND DAVIS
Do you want an open casket?
AARON/RYAN/NORMAN/JEFF
No!
The reverend looks shocked at the reaction, but ignores it. She
stands up at the front and speaks quickly.
(CONTINUED)
114.
CONTINUED: (2)
REVEREND DAVIS
Alright! Everybody in their seats
now!
(she snaps her fingers)
Hey, you, sit down.
People settle into their seats. Ryan manages to squeeze in next
to Martina. He smiles at her, flirtatiously. Cynthia throws
Ryan a look, and he gets up and goes to sit with her.
REVEREND DAVIS (CONT'D)
(speaking very quickly)
I'd like to apologize on behalf of the
family for all of the distractions. I
hope that everyone is settled and
ready to continue with the service.
Aaron, the oldest son, would like to
say a few words about his father.
Michelle gives Aaron an encouraging look as he makes his way to
the front.
Aaron clears his throat and prepares to begin. The room is
absolutely silent. He takes a deep breath.
ANGLE ON: The reverend nodding for Aaron to hurry up.
ANGLE ON: Aaron.
AARON
My father... was an exceptional--
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Suddenly, a loud banging emanates from the coffin. Everyone
stares at it in stunned silence. Jeff looks over to Norman
whose eyes are as wide as saucers. Aaron looks like a deer
caught in headlights. He looks at Ryan who gestures to him to
continue. He nervously struggles on.
AARON (CONT'D)
My father was an exceptional man.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Everyone stares at the coffin in awe. Aaron bravely continues.
AARON (CONT'D)
Not only did he live for his family,
but he was always there for others--
BANG! BANG! BANG!
(CONTINUED)
115.
CONTINUED: (3)
DUNCAN
What the hell is going on?
MOURNER 1
There's someone in there!
OSCAR
I knew it! I knew it!
Suddenly the coffin lid flips off and everyone stares in wonder
as Frank sits up, looking like a crazy person, and babbling
incoherently.
Several people scream. Frank opens the other end of the coffin
and looks at his dead lover.
RYAN
(trying to cover)
What the hell are you doing in my
Dad's coffin?
Frank starts grabbing at Edward's body screaming.
FRANK
Edward! Edward! Edward!
Ryan, Norman and Jeff try to pull Frank out of the coffin, but
he's holding onto the corpse.
FRANK (CONT'D)
No! No!
Finally they get Frank out and carry him from the room. As he
passes Cynthia, the photos fall out of his pocket at her feet.
As Duncan closes the coffin again, Cynthia bends down and picks
up one of the photographs and stares at it. Her face turns to
horror as she makes out the image. The noise in the room is
broken by Cynthia's furious cry. She drops the photos and runs
at Frank.
CYNTHIA
You bastard!
Cynthia tackles Frank and starts beating him.
CYNTHIA (CONT'D)
(as she hits him)
He was with you!
Duncan picks up the photos. He shows them to Uncle Russell.
(CONTINUED)
116.
CONTINUED: (4)
UNCLE RUSSELL
I always thought he had a little sugar
in his tank.
Everything has descended into total chaos until Aaron finally
shouts across the room.
AARON
MY FATHER WAS AN EXCEPTIONAL MAN!!!
Everyone, including Frank and Cynthia, looks at Aaron, stunned.
They all freeze. There's a long silence.
AARON (CONT'D)
He had his... shortcomings, but he
took care of his family. He loved his
family. He loved this house. He
worked hard. All I wanted today was
to show him how much we all loved and
admired him. To give him the respect
that he deserved... Is that really so
much to ask? We all get so distracted
by the... little things in life. We
forget about the important things.
Like the fact that we lost a great
man.
The mourners look up at Aaron with undivided attention.
AARON (CONT'D)
So maybe he loved "Dreamgirls" more
than most men. We don't know why a
man makes the choices he makes. But I
do know that my father made the best
choices he could make. Life is
complicated. We're just thrown here
together in a world filled with chaos
and confusion... and we do our best.
And Dad did his best...
Aaron looks over at the coffin. As.he speaks, we see shots of
Cynthia, Frank, Jeff, Norman, Duncan as they are moved by
Aaron's words.
AARON (CONT'D)
He taught us to go for what we wanted
in life, because you never know how
long you're going to be here... And
whether you succeed... or you fail...
the important thing is that you tried.
(CONTINUED)
117.
CONTINUED: (5)
A beat. Michelle looks up at her husband with pride. We see
the various other mourners looking at Aaron and listening.
AARON (CONT'D)
So when you all leave here today, I
want you to remember Dad for who he
really was... A decent, loving man
who never condemned anyone for how
they lived. Who never cast
disparaging remarks or held prejudices
against race, gender... height. If
only we could all be as giving, as
generous, as understanding as my
father... Even dead, my father has
more character than everyone in this
room. If I am half the man my father
was, my child will be incredibly
blessed.
Aaron turns and walks out of the room. Everyone watches him go.
Michelle follows him out of the room.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
EXT. HOUSE - ESTABLISHING SHOT
The house has emptied out. All the cars are gone.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER - EVENING
Aaron is laying on the couch, looking drained. Ryan comes down
the stairs. It looks like he's had some time to recover. He
walks over and takes a seat.
AARON
How's Mom?
RYAN
She's resting.
A beat.
RYAN (CONT'D)
I've asked Mom to come live with me
for awhile. It'll give you and
Michelle a chance to breathe a bit,
you know. Move and everything.
Aaron looks at Ryan, surprised.
| Death at a Funeral
Writers : Chris Rock Aeysha Carr
Genres : Comedy
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