DEATH TO SMOOCHY
EXT. KIDNET STUDIO -C - EVENING
A man in a puffy foam-rubber rhinoceros costume dancing
under the bright friendly lights of a television studio.
Another rhino and various foam-rubber animals dance
behind him to the happy MUSIC. The rhino finishes his
number and takes a bow. A bleacher full of kids bursts
into wild applause.
INT. BACKSTAGE - MOMENTS LATER
After the taping. The rhino lumbers down the hallway
toward wardrobe. He is suddenly grabbed by two large men
and dragged out through the exit into...
INT. DARK PARKING GARAGE
... where several thugs in overcoats emerge from the
shadows and start beating him with lead pipes. One of
the men pulls out a GUN and SHOOTS the rhino several
times. The SHOTS REVERBERATE through the empty garage.
CUT TO BLACK:
SUPERIMPOSE: ONE YEAR EARLIER
FADE UP ON:
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY
It's the taping of another children's show -- "Rainbow
Randolph and the Krinkle Kids." RANDOLPH SMILEY, a
clean-cut man with a happy face and yellow bow tie,
dances through Rainbowland with the "Krinkle Kids"
(little people in top hats). He sings one of his
signature songs: "Friends Come In All Sizes." One of
the main Krinkle Kids -- ANGELO PIKE -- dances behind
'Friends come in all sizes
That's a fact! It's True!
All colors of the rainbow
from Mauve to Blue...
Their names may not be different
and their shoes may not match
One might say 'grasp' while the
other says 'snatch'
Some like to toss while others
like to caaaaatch... Beeee-
Friends come in all sizes
Take it from me! Golly Gee! Size
never matters when you want some
From a pal who is true and can
lift you when you're blue
You can count on him and he can
count on yoooouuuu!
It's true... that...
Friends come in all sizes!'
MONTAGE - RAINBOW RANDOLPH MERCHANDISE
"Sugar Rainbows Cereal," plastic toys lined up on store
shelves, kids playing with Randolph dolls, kids eating
"Rainbow Potato Chips" and "Rainbow Candies." A "Rainbow
Burster," a kind of gun that shoots plastic rainbows.
Marquees announcing upcoming live appearances, etc. We
get the picture. Rainbow Randolph is the king of the
INT. DIMLY-LIT BAR - NIGHT
A suburban-looking HUSBAND and WIFE enter. They find
Rainbow Randolph sitting alone, drinking a Scotch. Hair
slicked back, sans bow tie, the friendly face no longer
looks so friendly. He nods for them to sit down. After
a nervous beat, the Husband puts a briefcase on the table
and slides it to Randolph. Randolph takes a gulp of his
Scotch. He unsnaps the briefcase and opens it. Five
grand stares him in the face.
So... uh... you'll make sure my
boy dances up front, right? Where
he'll get the most camera time?
Randolph slams the briefcase shut, startling the couple.
You want your kid on the show?
Of... of course.
Yes, very much.
Then don't tell me how to run my
No, no, we were just --
Randolph rises. He takes a final gulp of his Scotch and
picks up the briefcase.
I'll call you if a spot opens up.
He starts to walk off. Suddenly, the Husband and Wife
jump up from the table holding guns.
Freeze, you cocksucker!
Drop the briefcase!
Federal agents storm into the bar and surround Randolph.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAWN
Bundles of the morning editions are tossed onto the curb
from passing trucks. The various headlines blare:
"RAINBOW RANDOLPH BUSTED ACCEPTING BRIBE"
"FCC PROBES KID SHOW BIZ"
"CORRUPTION IN KRINKLELAND"
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY
The Rainbow Randolph/Krinkle Kid set is being dismantled.
Backdrops are rolled up and the giant rainbow centerpiece
is wheeled off. Workers with push brooms sweep up tons
of glittery "magic Rainbow dust."
INT. NETWORK BOARDROOM - KIDNET - DAY
We are TIGHT ON the sweating face of a MAN who looks like
he's about to be executed.
CUT BACK TO:
is standing at the end of a long conference table as the
NETWORK BRASS glares at him.
(addressing the brass)
Gentlemen, let me be the first to
say, in all sobriety, that I'm as
shocked and outraged as all of --
The network CEO, a hog of a man, cuts him off.
Save it for the papers, Stokes.
We've got nervous sponsors and an
angry public -- a combination
uglier than two monkeys fucking.
What are you doing about it?
Well, sir, I'm currently in the
process of compiling a list of
viable replacements and it's my
Clean replacements? With
background checks? I assure you,
Mr. Stokes, this network cannot
survive another Rainbow Randolph.
The goddamn P.R. department looks
like the Jim Jones camp.
Another EXECUTIVE chimes in.
Remember, Stokes, this was your
dog that crapped on our rug.
We trusted you, Frank. And now
we're in a tight spot. We have to
post our quarterly earnings next
month, for Christ's sake.
Whoever takes that slot has to be
a straight arrow. Clean as a
Right. Someone who'll take the
heat off. One of those sweater
types. Any chance of luring Fred
Rogers away from P.B.S.?
Yeah, if we back up the Brinks
No way. The idea now is to stop
You better fix this, Stokes. Get
us a white bread replacement,
fast. Bland, milk toast. Not a
speck of controversy.
A giant hand slams on the table. All heads snap.
The CEO drags his fingers along the shiny mahogany.
(calm and measured)
Squeaky fucking clean.
INT. STOKES' OFFICE - DAY
Stokes sits behind his mahogany desk, sipping a glass of
wine as he goes over potential Randolph replacements with
NORA BISHOP, his pretty protege.
Bumble Bee Billy?
(reading from a list)
Square Dance Danny?
Still appealing the mail fraud
Skippy Black and the Tippy Trolls?
Black was deported, and the
trolls... well, who gives a shit.
Nora kicks the table in frustration.
This is impossible. If I ever see
that Rainbow Randolph again I'll
strangle him. Choke the life out
of him. Squeeze his scrawny neck
until his eyes pop out of his
skull and bounce off the walls...
Before indulging such cheery
fantasies, let's just concentrate
on saving my job. Shall we?
Stokes flips through a thick stack of files. He suddenly
stops at one.
What's going on with Sheldon Mopes
Oh my God. Have we sunk to that
level already? Smoochy the Rhino?
What a sap.
Sap's just the pill we need right
now. Mopes is a straight arrow.
Always has been.
The guy can't get arrested, Frank.
He can't even break into the
birthday party circuit. Last I
heard he was working hospitals and
nursing homes. He's a joke.
Stokes stands up and walks around the room.
The truth of the matter is, a
successful children's show has
always depended on two simple
elements: a fuzzy costume and a
lot of hype. Strip away the foam
rubber and the network money and
they're all jokes. Marginal
talents.. cabaret acts... off-
I probably have ten acts in my
development file -- acts I've been
cultivating -- that are more
deserving than Sheldon Mopes.
And each one a moral question
mark. Something I can't risk at
We can do better than this guy,
Frank. He brings nothing to the
Except ethics. With Mopes,
there's never been a whiff of
controversy. The man's an
ethical, harmless, cornball. In
short, a glass of milk on two
Stokes stops pacing.
Don't ask me to do it. You know
I'll do anything for you, but
please... not this...
Stokes gazes out the window at the city.
Go find Smoochy.
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - EARLY EVENING
The lighted Ferris wheel spins CENTER FRAME. We CRANE
DOWN and eventually LAND ON a side street with the
amusement park looming in the b.g. We're in FRONT of a
small building. The half-lit neon sign reads: CONEY
ISLAND METHADONE CENTER. We DRIFT THROUGH the double
doors THROUGH the reception area where random junkies
loiter and fill out paperwork. We CONTINUE DOWN a
narrow hallway as the faint sound of someone SINGING and
playing the GUITAR INCREASES. We finally burst THROUGH
another set of doors marked "Treatment Room." The
singing now fills our ears as we PUSH IN ON the
"performer" -- a big, puffy, orange rhinoceros. Smoochy.
Or to be more specific, SHELDON MOPES.
Smoochy sits on a stool with his guitar and sings to the
patients as they stand in line before a sliding glass
window, where a nurse hands each person a little cup of
methadone which they immediately drink.
The Smoochy costume is a mass of misshapen orange foam
rubber that exposes Sheldon's painted face in the front.
A multi-colored horn protrudes from his forehead.
(singing to the tune
of 'She'll be Comin'
round the Mountain')
'We'll get that monkey off your
Yes we will, yes we will
We'll get that monkey off your
Yes we will...'
'We'll get that monkey off your
And get your life right back on
If you'll just give up the smack
Yes you will, yes you will!!'
The song ends. A few baffled junkies applaud.
Thanks, fellas. I'm rooting for
We PAN AWAY FROM Sheldon TO the exit. Standing there in
her coat, looking mortified, is Nora.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - SHORT WHILE LATER
Nora sits in the reception area. Sheldon emerges in his
street clothes. He carries Smoochy's body on a hanger
over his shoulder and carries a large shopping bag which
holds Smoochy's head.
I, uh, saw your performance
Really? Thanks. I would've done
a longer set if that guy hadn't
pulled a knife on the security
guard. Once the pepper spray
starts flyin', that's it for the
Yes, that did put a damper on the
evening, didn't it?
Are you a new patient? On the
juice, as we say?
Ah, no. But it's sweet of you to
She hands him her card. He reads it.
'Nora Bishop. V.P. of
Good gravy. You work for Kidnet?
Sheldon grabs her hand and shakes it.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you,
Nora. A real honor. Hey, you
EXT. CONEY ISLAND BOARDWALK - NATHAN'S HOT DOGS - SHORT
Sheldon and Nora stand at the crowded counter at
Nathan's. Sheldon ravenously eats his sloppily-
garnished, oddly colored hot dog. Nora winces as
she watches him.
(with full mouth)
Soy dogs... never thought I'd
live to see the day. Organic,
rich in natural protein, and
nobody gets killed. Although I
do feel bad for the beans. Just
kidding. Sure you don't want one?
Believe it or not, no.
He takes another bite.
So anyway, like I was saying,
people always tell me, 'You gotta
network, Sheldon... you gotta sell
yourself... or you'll be playing
the drug clinics and shopping
centers the rest of your life.'
And you know what I tell 'em?
I haven't the foggiest.
I tell 'em, it's not about the old
handshake and back slap game.
It's not about adding fuel to the
shlock machine. It's about doing
good work. Having integrity.
Making people happy and delivering
a positive message. Foundations
are built with concrete, not
plaster of Paris!
He pulls the stained, misshapen Smoochy head from the
This is concrete! This is
I can see that.
Sheldon realizes his voice was getting too loud.
Sorry. As you can imagine, living
by your convictions can be a
little stressful at times.
We all have our cross to bear.
See, I was raised by my
grandfather, and Grandpop paved
driveways for a living...
Are we going into a story?
Thing is, he didn't really pave
them. Just covered them with
black paint. Of course, once the
first rain came along, people
realized they'd been swindled. I
vowed to myself back then that I'd
never make a living through
deception. Never. Whadda ya
think of them apples?
Nora looks glassy-eyed. She takes a deep breath.
The reason I'm here today, Mr.
Mopes, as fate would have it,
Kidnet is currently looking for a
performer with... convictions.
And integrity. Someone like...
She almost chokes on the word.
Yeah, right. Got any more jokes?
I don't think I could top that
Hold the phone. You're telling me
that Kidnet is finally ready to do
a show of Smoochy quality? Of
Yes... I believe we're ready to
push ourselves to that level.
I knew this day would come!
After all these years I finally
meet someone in the business who
gets what I do. Who gets what I'm
all about. You get me, don't you,
I'm afraid so.
Well, Miss V.P. of Development...
let's go make history!
KIDNET STUDIO WARDROBE ROOM. A team of designers and
seamstresses cut, sew and shape endless sheets of orange
foam rubber. Sheldon stands on a wooden box as he's
measured from head to toe. On the wall is a blueprint
labeled "Smoochy the Rhino -- REDESIGN."
A costume designer walks over with the new Smoochy head
and places it on Sheldon.
As seamstresses fit him with the new Smoochy costume,
various signs and billboards FLOAT THROUGH the FRAME,
trumpeting copy like: "IT'S ALMOST SMOOCHY TIME!"
"GET READY TO BE SMOOCHED, AMERICA!" "ONLY TWO MORE
WEEKS TILL SMOOCHY!"
KIDNET STUDIO -C.
Sets, props, and camera equipment are rolled into the
studio. Through a SERIES of DISSOLVES we see the
Smoochyland Magic Jungle take shape.
KIDNET STUDIO -C - LATER
A choreographer maps out a number for Smoochy and the
"Rhinettes." (The Rhinettes are the former Krinkle Kid
little people with horns strapped to their foreheads.)
Nora and Stokes watch from the wings with a mixture of
uncertainty and disgust.
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
A seamstress zips up the back of the finished, redesigned
Smoochy costume. Sheldon stands proudly before the
design team. Smoochy is now television ready: smoothed
out, more colorful, less lumpy and exuding sunshiny
STUDIO -C - BACKSTAGE
Smoochy is about to enter with the Rhinettes. ANGELO, a
former Krinkle Kid, stands beside him.
Angelo, you were always my favorite
Krinkle Kid. The way you'd click
your heels during the 'Jellybean
Jam.' Real artistry. I'm honored
to have you as a Rhinette.
A job's a job.
STUDIO -C - PRACTICE TAPING
Suddenly lights up in all its multi-colored Smoochyland
glory. The bleachers are full of children.
Hey, kids! Who's your favorite
The kids in the bleachers all scream in unison.
Smoochy bounds out on stage followed by the Rhinettes who
form a dancing circle around him.
It's gonna be a fantabulous day in
The kids cheer as Smoochy and the Rhinettes featuring Angelo
Pike, go into their "It's a Fantabulous Day in Smoochyland"
number -- a catchy, bouncy song and dance routine that plays out
in the sugar-coated jungle of Smoochyland.
'Ohhhh... it's a fantabulous day
in Smoochy-land/Let's have a great
big cheer for the Smoochy-land
band/We'll dance with our jungle
pals, won't that be grand/Oh, it's
a fantabulous day in Smoochy-
Smoochy dances right UP TO the CAMERA, FILLING the FRAME
with his friendly, puffy face.
END of prep MONTAGE.
EXT. DOCK BY RIVER - NIGHT (POURING RAIN)
A disheveled Randolph paces on a deserted dock. The
Brooklyn Bridge looms in the b.g. A car pulls up in the
b.g. Stokes gets out. Randolph moves under an awning.
I was starting to think that maybe
you weren't coming.
I agreed to meet you, didn't I? I
had a dinner engagement.
Randolph takes a swig from a flask.
Really? You know, I used to have
dinner engagements. Sometimes
four, five a night. Dinner...
drinks... I was the toast of the
Don't start, Randolph. Please.
Cars, boats, whores and horses, I
had 'em all. When I walked into a
restaurant, ten guys reached for
my hat. When I stood up to take a
piss, they cleared the rest room.
I'd walk down the street and
traffic stopped, mouths gaped.
You know why? You know why,
I was Rainbow fucking Randolph!
Are you through?
What? You're in a hurry? You
don't have time for me? The guy
who earned for you? The guy who
put those fucking suits on your
back and the pheasant au vin in
your Brooklyn mouth?
I think it's fair to say we helped
Randolph suddenly breaks down.
You gotta fix it, Frank. You
gotta get me my slot back.
He now clings to Stokes' lapels.
How can I sit around while that
rhinoceros... that horned
carpetbagger gets a free ride on
my dime? You and I have history,
Stokes pries Randolph's hands from his overcoat.
There's nothing I can do for you.
Nothing. You're a pariah. I
can't even be seen with you.
Don't do this to me, Frank. I'm in
deep, deep shit. They kicked me out
of the corporate penthouse... I got
bookies breathing down my neck.
I'm homeless! Don't you hear what
I'm saying? I'm not gonna make it!
The clock's ticking! Put yourself
in my shoes, for Christ's sake!
The ugly truth is, your shoes have
become my shoes. As long as the
rhino's on the air, everything's
by the book. No skim, no
percentage. Nothing. The network
wanted squeaky clean and they got
it. And believe me, Mopes is
He looks Randolph squarely in the eye.
You're totally broke? You don't
have a dime left to your name?
Yes! Exactly! That's what I'm
trying to tell you!
Randolph looks at him hopefully as Stokes straightens his
Don't contact me again, Randy.
Stokes walks off. Randolph watches him disappear through
You'll get yours, Frank! The rhino
too! Do you hear me?! The wheels
Stokes is gone. Randolph takes a swig from his flask and
wipes his chin with his sleeve. He stares out at the
Sooner or later, even a guy who's
squeaky clean falls into mud.
EXT. DOCK - HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT
of the docks as Randolph stands alone before the river.
INT. NORA BISHOP'S OFFICE - CLOSE ON LITTLE MECHANICAL
SMOOCHY THE RHINO - DAY
as it erratically limps forward before DROPPING OUT OF
The wind-up Smoochy lays upside-down on the carpet next
to Nora's desk, legs grinding lamely in the air. Various
Smoochy items are spread out on her desk top. A
restless-looking Sheldon and a few members of Nora's
staff are in on the meeting.
Again, these are just prototypes.
I've been assured by FunZone that
all the bugs will be worked out
Sheldon raises his hand. Nora ignores him and looks at
Okay, so let's recap before we
(refers to notes)
Yes to the Smoochy ice pops. No to
the Smoochy string cheese. And
we're in a dick-measuring contest
with Brown & Brown over the
Sheldon suddenly stands up.
Okay, time out, people! If I may
interject, I think we're putting
the cart before the horse here...
Nora throws him an icy look.
Smoochy's still earning the trust
of the kids. We don't want to
compromise that by asking them to
buy shampoo and cheese. How 'bout we
just concentrate on doing the best
show possible. Huh? Without all
the bells and whistles and
rickata-rackita. What do you say,
Nora casually picks up a Smoochy Frisbee from her desk
and sails it toward the open door. It lands in the
No problem, I'll get it.
He walks out to the hallway.
Shut the door please, John.
John shuts the door.
Now lock it.
He locks it.
EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - NIGHT
Nora emerges from the revolving door of the Kidnet
building which is located in the heart of Times Square
and heads down Broadway. Sheldon emerges from the
Hey, Nora, wait up.
She keeps walking. Sheldon catches up and walks
alongside her, occasionally getting jostled by passersby.
Good meeting today. I thought we
tackled some hot issues.
Although, I'll be honest, there
were a few times that I felt my
voice wasn't being heard.
I think that's a conservative
I just want the show to have some
weight, you know? Some substance.
Silly songs, sure -- but with a
message. Pop quiz: How many
original compositions are in the
Do you sense my complete lack of
Try two thousand. Covering every
topic from how yummy vegetables
are to the importance of donating
plasma. Don't you get it, Nora?
I'm a valuable resource. Use me.
Nora stops. She looks Sheldon in the eye for the first
Can I make this real easy for you?
The only reason you're on TV right
now is because Rainbow Randolph is
a degenerate scumbag. I didn't
discover you, I delivered you.
Like a bag of groceries. I have a
bigger emotional investment in my
nail polish. So don't peddle your
sap to me, rhino. Your job is
just to smile and nod your head.
She walks off.
INT. PATSY'S - NIGHT
Sheldon sits at the bar in the restaurant, nursing a
drink and talking to the BARTENDER. He seems slightly
... No, no, you misunderstand me.
It's not that I'm literally
comparing Captain Kangaroo to
Jesus Christ. I'm just saying
that the Captain, like Christ, was
someone you could believe in.
Those guys didn't care about bells
and whistles and rickita-rackata.
It was all about the work.
Especially Jesus. Forget about
The Bartender nods and starts to pour Sheldon another
(waving him off)
That's okay, my good man. Three's
I never saw anyone get loaded on
orange juice before.
Back in my college days I could
put away a carton of the stuff.
A sharply-dressed man, BURKE BENNETT, sits down next to
Gimme a Five Crown.
The Bartender nods. He looks over at Sheldon.
Smoochy the Rhino. Wow. I'm a
Gee, thanks. I usually don't get
recognized without my horn.
Burke extends his hand.
Burke Bennett. I represent kid
INT. PATSY'S - SHORT WHILE LATER
Sheldon and Burke now sit at a corner table.
Look, Shel, Frank Strokes ain't in
the business to make you rich.
He's in it to make Frank Stokes
rich. That's how these network
That's so sad. Is it just me, or
is that sad?
You know, years ago, a client of
mine, Dicky Gimble, was having a
Wow, you represented Dicky Gimble?
Yeah, before the asshole found
religion. Anyway, Stokes was
trying to screw my boy out of some
merchandising points. Claimed he
had a warehouse full of Dicky
dolls that weren't moving. Now
Frank and I are old friends, so I
say to him, 'Okay, cock, show me
the warehouse' -- see, I know the
fucking warehouse is in the Bronx,
and I know it's emptier than my
To make a long story short, I walk
out with a check for a hundred
grand and Stokes is sitting there
with his thumb up his ass.
That's very amusing, but I don't
care about Smoochy dolls and
Smoochy floor wax... I just want
more creative input. This rhino
came from my womb. I bore him, I
nursed him, and dammit...
He pounds his fist on the table.
I should be the one who raises
Shel, it's all about the dough.
After you get the money, you get
the power. And after you get the
power, you can have Smoochy walk
on stage with a hard-on if you
It's funny, that never crossed my
Burke downs the rest of his drink and stands up.
Unfortunately, until then...
you're just another puppet in the
He hands Sheldon his card.
Give me a call when you're ready,
kid. I'll cut the strings and
open the magic door for you.
EXT. PATSY'S - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Randolph peers through the restaurant's front window. He
shivers from the cold as he watches Sheldon and Burke
shake hands. Burke heads for the exit. Randolph quickly
ducks into the shadows. A moment later, Burke exits the
club and walks down the street. Randolph pops out.
I saw you! I saw you in there...
at my table... talking to him.
Yeah, so what do you want? A
You're my agent! Or did you
Not anymore, pal. You're a
cigarette butt. Go lay in the
Burke walks off.
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
In the litter-strewn alley, we PAN ACROSS several grocery
bags, broken egg shells, flour bags, butter wrappers,
mixing bowls and other baking ingredients. The PAN ENDS
ON Randolph, who stands over a barrel fire, holding a
spatula. A cookie sheet rests on the barrel. Randolph
removes the cookie sheet and gazes at it gleefully. We
now see that the cookies are phallic-shaped.
Ah! They're beautiful! A perfect
batch of cock cookies for a very
He sets the tray aside.
Oh yes, you're going to learn
about shame, my dear Smoochy. And
I'm your professor.
INT. KIDNET STUDIO - STAGE B - DAY
It's thirty minutes before a Smoochy taping. Dozens of
giddy children are led into the studio where they take
seats on the bleachers.
Sheldon, in the Smoochy costume, sans head, lumbers up to
Nora. He holds a rundown for that day's show.
Excuse me, Nora. Why was the
'Please and Thank You Song' cut?
Because it's sappy and it takes
away from the 'Cookie Song.'
Takes away? It enhances it! The
cookie song is a meaningless piece
of fluff without the 'Please and
Thank You' coda! That's the moral
anchor! That's where the lesson
is! You can't sell the sizzle
without the steak!
It's cut. And I want the 'Cookie
Song' lyrics changed back to the
way they were originally scripted.
I can't do that. I will not
condone children consuming endless
amounts of refined sugar. I have
to look myself in the mirror every
This is network television, not a
sprout farm. We're here to sell
sugar and plastic. That's what
keeps the lights on.
You're treating me like a puppet.
You know that? Well, guess
what? I am not your puppet.
Since when? Now get your spongy
orange ass out there and dance
for the cameras.
An angry Sheldon storms off in frustration, but then
stops. He looks back at her.
We have different eyes, Nora.
When I go out there I see kids.
You see wallets with pigtails.
He moves on. Nora stares at him as he walks away. He
obviously got to her. As Sheldon heads toward the
studio, he doesn't notice the two beady eyes staring
at him from under the stairwell. After a beat,
Randolph emerges and slinks backstage. He's
clutching a duffle bag.
INT. PROP ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Randolph sneaks into the prop room and shuts the door.
He scurries over to the prop shelf and locates Smoochy's
multicolored "magic cookie bag." He opens it and tosses
the cookies into the trash can. Reaching into his
pockets, he pulls out his special homemade cookies. He
chuckles as he dumps them into the magic cookie bag.
Bon soir, la Smoochy. Welcome to
He cackles to himself. He then notices a box in the
corner of the room. Scribbled in magic marker on the
side are the words: "Rainbow Randolph crap." He walks
over and pulls the box out. He slowly opens the flaps.
Inside is his old costume. He pulls it out and clutches
it lovingly. He smells it. The ECHOEY SOUND of his
THEME SONG comes flooding back to him for a moment,
along with the sound of CHILDREN LAUGHING.
(softly to himself)
Don't worry, little ones. Rainbow
Randolph will return...
(with rising anger)
After these messages!
He holds up Smoochy's magic cookie bag. He then stuffs
his old costume into his duffle bag.
INT. STUDIO B - LATER
The "Smoochy Show" is in the middle of a taping. The
Smoochyland Band is playing a fast, jazzy number ("Doin'
the Jiggy Ziggy") as Smoochy, the Rhinettes, and several
kids dance frenetically. The kids in the bleachers are
in hysterics as Smoochy shakes his body spastically. The
song finally ends. The kids in the bleachers jump to
their feet, cheering and applauding.
Boy, all that jiggyin' and
ziggyin' sure makes a fella
hungry! Now if only I had my
super duper, super secret, super
The kids in the bleachers erupt in unison:
Magic Cookie Bag!
Magic Cookie Bag, I command thee!
Come to your lord and master!
The lights dim as the Smoochyland Band plays the "2001
theme." Smoochy's Magic Cookie Bag is lowered from the
ceiling by a filament wire. The kids go crazy.
'Lookie, lookie, lookie, here
comes the cookies! Fresh and
organic, no need to panic! Right
from the soil, no tropical oils!
Sweetened with juice, for an
energy boost! Fiber galore,
you'll be askin' for more...'
ANGLE ON NORA
She looks pissed, but then looks over at the kids in the
bleachers. Their faces are filled with laughter. For
the first time she feels the connection Smoochy has with
ANGLE ON RANDOLPH
He peers out from his hiding place backstage. His eyes
widen with delight as the Magic Cookie Bag continues its
ANGLE ON SMOOCHY
The cookie bag finally reaches Smoochy. He holds the bag
high above his head in a religious ceremonial fashion as
the Rhinettes and the kids crowd around him.
Oooh... just the smell of
unprocessed flour makes my tummy
ANGLE ON RANDOLPH
(under his breath)
Whatever that means, you fucking
His puffy orange hand reaches for the bag's clasp as the
MUSIC reaches its CRESCENDO.
He's practically shaking as he suppresses an insane
Give 'em a cookie... give 'em a
He reaches into the bag, and with a grand flourish, pulls
out a flaming red penis cookie. The cookie is somewhat
misshapen and not perfectly formed. Smoochy gets a big
Wow! Look at this cookie, kids!
A rocket ship!
The kids "ooh" and "ahh."
ANGLE ON RANDOLPH
He looks confused.
What a special day with such
BACK ON SMOOCHY
Smoochy pretends to "zoom" the penis cookie through the
Rrrrrrrr! Look at me, kids! I'm
flying to the moon! I'm flying to
Mars! I'm flying to --
Randolph, whose face is now bright red, can't take it
anymore. He runs onto the stage. He grabs the rocket
cookie from Smoochy.
Are you fucking blind?! It's a
cock! Not a space ship! Cock!
INT. STAIRWELL - MOMENTS LATER
Three burly Kidnet security guards drag Randolph down the
stairwell. They beat the shit out of him and toss him
through the exit door.
INT. FRANK STOKES' OFFICE - TIGHT ON NEW YORK POST FRONT
PAGE - DAY
The headline reads: "Rainbow Randolph Interrupts Smoochy
Taping." The subhead reads: "Runs Onstage Shouting
Penis Related Obscenities."
Burke sits on the couch next to Sheldon, reading the
paper. He shakes his head in disgust. Nora sits in a
chair near Stokes.
Thank you all for coming. I just
wanted to iron out a few wrinkles
I feel we're having in the
communication department. No
finger-pointing. Lord knows when
you start pointing fingers,
someone gets poked in the eye.
Sheldon laughs. Stokes and Nora sit stone-faced.
Anyhoo, I'd like to turn the floor
over to my new agent, Mr. Burke
Bennett. So... heeeeeere's Burke!
Sheldon applauds. Burke stands.
As you can imagine, my client has
many concerns, not the least of
which is studio security, but we
can address that later.
He pats Sheldon's head like a dog.
See this guy, Frank? Take a good
long look, 'cause this prick saved
your life. Without him you'd be
sitting in Kaplan's right now,
sucking club soda through a paper
And, you -- you'd be organizing
puppet shows for the brats at
P.S. 86. Excuse me, honey.
There's no excuse for you.
Man, I love club soda.
Sheldon laughs, trying to lighten the mood. Burke gives
him an affectionate slap.
We've always managed to come to
some sort of arrangement, Burke.
Why the fireworks?
'Cause I'm holding all the
gunpowder. I represent the man
who created, owns, and controls
every square inch of Smoochy the
Burke pours himself a drink from Stokes' private bar.
God created Adam and what did he
get? A fucking dud. My guy? He
breathed life into a winner. And
anyone who does a better job than
God is gonna have a price.
Burke, of course, is in no way
comparing me to God.
Yes I am.
You seem to forget that we went
out and found 'your guy.' Dug up
his corpse. Handed him his own
show when he couldn't sell his
face to a photo booth.
To be fair, Nora, I was booked to
open a car wash in Montauk.
Oh, so you were doing him a favor?
Allow me to untangle this web of
shit! I don't care what his
resume was, I don't care where you
found him, I don't care if his
last job was juggling apples for a
hut full of Pygmies on the
outskirts of the Congo... the fact
is, he fits a bill and you need
him. Like a hungry baby needs a
big tit. And that, my friends, is
why you're in a box with no
ventilation. And that is why the
rhino is going to get what
What is that, exactly?
Burke walks over to Stokes' desk and leans across it.
He's an inch from Stokes' face.
Heaven, hell, and everything in
INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT - CLOSE ON CHAMPAGNE
CORK - EVENING
being popped as foamy champagne runs down the bottle.
Sheldon and Burke sit at a table in the nightclub. Burke
raises his glass.
To the star and new executive
producer of the Smoochy show! May
your reign be a long and healthy
They clink glasses.
I'm still in shock. Complete
creative control, part ownership
of the show, discretion over
merchandising and a dressing room
with a toilet! Am I dreaming or
And don't forget the corporate
penthouse. It took me six years
to get that for Randolph.
Boy, imagine... me, living in a
penthouse. Who'd a thunk it.
It's called the high life, kid.
Get used to it. Pretty soon
you'll be burnin' one hundred
dollar bills just to see
Franklin break a sweat.
Jeez, I hope not. I have a deep
respect for money. Not to mention
Ben Franklin who had some
remarkable achievements in his
Burke pulls out a paper bag and hands it to Sheldon.
That's your graduation present.
Something you're gonna need now.
Sheldon reaches in the bag and pulls out a revolver. He
recoils in horror and immediately drops it back in the
Think of it as a tool of the
I've never owned a gun, I've never
touched a gun, and I don't believe
in guns. When I played cowboys
and Indians as a kid, I was always
the Chinese railroad worker.
Trust me, Shel. It's a handy
accessory in this business. Even
if you don't load it, have it for
show. Sometimes that's all you
need. Especially with a creep
like Randolph lurking around.
Burke and Sheldon look up and notice the hulking,
grinning figure of SPINNER DUNN standing over them.
Spinner has the smile of a little boy despite his
crooked nose and scarred face. He extends his hand.
Hiya, Smoochy! I'm Spinner!
I'm so excited to meet you! I'm
Spinner's massive hand engulfs Sheldon's.
Oh... right. I saw you fight on
TV once. I think it was your
SWISH PAN TO:
FLASHBACK - INT. BOXING RING(S) - SOMETIME IN THE PAST
Through a SERIES OF CUTS we see Spinner getting pummeled
in various fights.
RINGSIDE COMMENTATOR #1
Tonight marks Spinner Dunn's final
appearance in the ring. What a
pleasure it's been to watch him
proudly march into the record books
for taking more blows to the head
than any fighter in history.
A bloodied, defeated Spinner happily holds up the arm of
his opponent after a match. He then hugs the referee.
He jumps down from the ring and hugs the three judges.
RINGSIDE COMMENTATOR #2
Scrambled a bit? Sure. You don't
retire with a record of 81-59 and
wind up the Governor. But on the
upside, he's got the disposition
of a collie.
Spinner wades into the stands and starts hugging the
SWISH PAN TO:
INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT (PRESENT)
Spinner is still pumping Sheldon's hand.
You know what I love, Smoochy? I
love when you do the Jiggy Ziggy
dance! You know, the one you do
during 'Silly Time?'
You bet. That's a big one.
Wanna see me do it?
Well, I don't know why if there's
enough room here to...
Spinner starts Jiggying and Ziggying for Sheldon. He
bangs into a table and knocks over someone's drink.
Okay, champ, don't get overheated.
Spinner stops, out of breath. He leans over and hugs
I love you.
I... uh... love you, too, Spinner.
A powerful-looking woman, TOMMY COTTER, calls to Spinner
from the bar.
Spinner, come over and meet the
Spinner dutifully hurries over to Tommy.
He seems pretty popular. It must
take real talent to run a place
Spinner? The guy couldn't run a
water faucet. He's just a mascot.
It's his cousins, a bunch of Irish
mob boys, who really run the
ANGLE ON SPINNER
He shakes the Senator's hand as Tommy and a few other
tough Irish guys stand around. Spinner looks over
Don't go anywhere, Smoochy! I'll
be right back after I take a dump!
Spinner releases the Senator's hand and rushes off.
I think you made a new friend,
INT. ANGELO PIKE'S RUNDOWN APARTMENT
(LOWER EAST SIDE) - NIGHT
We met him backstage with Smoochy... innocent face...
Angelo stirs a pot of soup in the worn-down but tidy
apartment. A "Rhinette" costume is draped over one of
the chairs. There is a sudden LOUD POUNDING on the door.
Angelo puts the spoon down and reaches behind some spices
on the shelf above. He pulls out a revolver. The
Yeah, who is it?
Open up, buddy! It's me,
Randolph! It's been a long time!
Angelo puts the gun in his waistband and walks to the
door. He slowly slides the chain off and opens the door
a crack. Peering in at him are the bloodshot eyes of
Randolph suddenly kicks the door open and tackles Angelo.
Randolph sits on top of the little man.
You fucking traitor! My body's
barely cold and already you work
for the rhino?
I don't know what you're talking
Don't lie to me! I heard all about
it! You strapped that horn on
faster than a cheerleader gets the
I gotta eat, don't I?
You're a Krinkle Kid! Not a
Smooch-bag! Say it!
Say it: I am a Krinkle Kid! Say
it, before God! On the soul of
Jesus Christ! Say what you are!
Angelo punches Randolph in the mouth and flips him over.
He now sits on Randolph, pointing the revolver to his face.
I'm a Rhinette. Got that? The
Krinkle Kids are ten feet under.
Randolph starts crying like a child.
I missed you so much. Can I stay
here? I got no place to go.
Angelo sighs and puts the gun away.
INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - SHORT WHILE LATER
Angelo and Randolph sit at the small kitchen table.
Angelo watches as Randolph ravenously eats a bowl of
... They kicked me out of the
corporate penthouse. Big
surprise. Sons-a-bitches. That's
how I got this beauty.
He points to a nasty bump near his eye.
And of course, there's this...
He yanks his lip back to reveal a missing tooth.
That happened after my little
visit to the studio the other day.
Network security. Fucking savages.
He slurps another spoonful of soup and spits a bay leaf
on the floor.
I got liens, back taxes, lawyer's
bills, threats against my life...
I basically got the whole fucking
world up my ass. It's okay, I got
a loooong memory, son.
(Amos and Andy dialect)
What dey sow, dey gonna reap.
He cackles insanely as he picks up a bottle of gin and
takes a deep swig. He passes out and falls off the
chair. Angelo leans down and lifts his head off the
Stop doing this to yourself!
Randolph doesn't respond. Angelo slaps his face.
Wise up! You hear me? Don't piss
your life away like this.
It's the rhino, Angie. He's been
sent by the devil. Sent from hell
to destroy me. Smoochy... is the
face of evil.
EXT. BROADWAY (TIMES SQUARE) - MORNING
We are ON the smiling goofy face of Sheldon, whose
picture graces the front page of Variety under the
headline, "MOPES TO EXECUTIVE PRODUCE SMOOCHY SHOW." The
subhead reads, "TENURE TO BEGIN TODAY." A dollar bill is
slapped down over the picture.
We WIDEN OUT to see Sheldon buying the magazine at the
newsstand in front of the Kidnet Building. He turns and
walks toward the Kidnet entrance. He stops and looks up
at the building. Smiling, he takes a deep breath and
INT. KIDNET HALLWAY - FEW MOMENTS LATER
Sheldon whistles as he walks down the hall, giving
cheerful "hellos" and "good mornings" along the way. He
enters Nora's office.
INT. NORA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Nora is on the phone. She pretends not to notice him.
Sheldon bides his time by inspecting knickknacks,
examining photos on the wall, etc. Finally, he half-
whispers/half-mouths to her:
Whenever you get a chance... I
just need a second.
(into the phone)
Listen, can I call you back?
Yeah, some asshole's screaming in
my ear. Thanks.
She hangs up.
I'm sorry, you didn't have to hang
If I didn't you'd still be here.
But I am still here.
I'm hoping to correct that.
Nora, I want us to start off on
the right foot. I want you to
know that I value your input and I
don't want you to feel intimidated
just because the power structure
has changed a bit. I consider you
Great. That'll come in handy if
we're ever at a square dance.
Well, I was never much of the
do- se-do type, but what I would
love to do is take you out to lunch
one day. You know, just two
colleagues chewing the fat...
forming a mutual respect...
planting the seeds of
Fair enough. If you change your
Sheldon just nods and starts to exit.
Okay then, I'll be in my office if
you need me. If you want to
brainstorm about anything. Ideas
and so forth.
He passes a plant by the door.
She ignores him. He exits.
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Sheldon walks slowly down the hallway. He no longer has
a bounce in his step.
INT. SHELDON'S NEW OFFICE - MOMENT LATER
Sheldon enters his plush new office, awkwardly walks over
to his new desk and sits behind it for the first time.
My cousin Spinner's take quite a
shine to you.
Sheldon jumps. He's surprised to Tommy from Spinner
Dunn's restaurant. Tommy's crew, ROY, DANNY, JIMMY and
SAMMY occupy the sofa.
Ever since you came in the
restaurant. He can't stop yakkin'.
Well, he's a very nice man. Very
sweet disposition for someone that
So, I was wondering if maybe you
could give him a little floor
You know, a little part on the
show. You're the executive
producer now. You call the shots,
Uh, that's a very sweet offer, and
I love Spinner, but TV is a
complicated medium and... I mean,
that would be like me getting into
the ring with a prizefighter.
Can you imagine such a thing?
Boom. K.O.! What's the alphabet,
Sheldon laughs again. Tommy gets quiet.
This makes me sad. Very, very,
What's wrong, Tommy?
Nothing. I'm just very sad right
Who made you sad, Tommy?
I don't want to mention names.
The guys look menacingly at Sheldon. They rise and walk
around his desk until they're on either side of him.
You know what? Maybe I can find
Spinner a little something to do
on the show. That's probably the
Tommy now smiles and walks over to Sheldon. She musses
You're a good boy, Mopes. Don't
think we don't remember favors.
SWISH PAN TO:
INT. SHELDON'S OFFICE - SHORT WHILE LATER
Sheldon is in a meeting with a man, SONNY GORDON.
Look, I appreciate the visit, but
I'm just putting together a little
petting zoo segment. Nothing
fancy -- a few kittens... maybe a
ANGLE ON SONNY
SUPERIMPOSE: SONNY GORDON, PRESIDENT, ANIMAL WRANGLERS'
If you're looking to bring in that
many pieces I gotta put a crew
together. Plus, we're lookin' at
transpo, a few leash handlers, a
cleanup boy and a doper to keep
the inventory quiet.
Jeez, this all sounds awfully
elaborate. I might have to forgo
the union and just borrow a few
animals from a pet shop.
I wouldn't recommend it. Miss
Carol from Romper Room tried that
once and she's still limping.
SWISH PAN TO --
INT. SHELDON'S OFFICE - SHORT TIME LATER
A frazzled-looking Sheldon is meeting with BEN FRANKS.
On behalf of FunZone Toys, I'd
like to congratulate you on your
recent promotion, and present you
with a small gift.
SUPERIMPOSE: BEN FRANKS, V.P., FUNZONE TOYS
Ben reaches into his breast pocket and drops a large wad
of money on Sheldon's desk that lands with a thud.
Uh... that's nice of you, Ben, but
a card would have been fine.
FunZone Toys would very much like
the Smoochy contract, Mr. Mopes.
Is this... I mean... are you
offering me a bribe or something?
FunZone Toys would very much like
the Smoochy contract, Mr. Mopes.
Sheldon picks up the money and tosses it back to Ben.
Sheldon rises from his desk.
Normally, sir, we take the trash
out at the end of the day, but I
think I'll make an exception in
Sheldon escorts Ben out the door and slams it shut. The
PHONE RINGS. Sheldon walks over and picks it up.
A Mr. Feedlepepper on line two.
He says he's an old friend.
Sheldon punches line two.
INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - RANDOLPH
You better grow eyes on the back
of your fucking head, you horned
piece of shit! I won't sleep
until the worms are crawlin' up
your foam rubber ass! I'm going
on safari, motherfucker... safari!
Sheldon hangs up stunned. Nora walks in holding the daily
Congratulations on your little ice
What are you talking about?
It didn't take you long to sell out,
She tosses the paper on his desk.
What happened to your precious
integrity? Or was that just part
of your dog and pony act.
She exits. A confused Sheldon looks at the "Around Town"
INSERT - HEADLINE
"GARDEN TO HOST SMOOCHY ON ICE." The subhead reads:
"HUGE GATE EXPECTED -- VENDORS SALIVATE AT SMELL OF BIG
INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - EVENING
We are TIGHT ON the feet of an Irish dancer doing a sort
of Riverdance. We WIDEN OUT and the rest of the dancers
come INTO FRAME. Spinner and the mob ar clapping and
Sheldon and Burke sit at a table in the dark club having
Burke, I never agreed to do an ice
Shel, do you know what kind of
cash we'll take in between the
gate and concessions? A venture
like this gets you money and
muscle. Times twenty.
Ice shows represent everything I'm
against. They're mindless
spectacles whose main purpose is
to sell overpriced sugar-water and
cheap plastic toys that splinter
in a kid's mouth on the ride home.
Look, I know you got this fetish
for ethics, but now's not the time
to fly that kite. No one's ever
refused a shot at an ice show.
Sheldon tears the contract in half.
Until now. Smoochy doesn't sell
out, Burke. You should be proud
of that. Proud that you represent
a client who paves driveways, not
paints them over.
I'm thrilled, Shel. Knocked out.
Burke just sits there, stunned. A waitress, SANDY,
passes by the booth.
I'll have a pineapple juice,
Pineapple? What happened to
I'm feeling feisty tonight.
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY
We are now on a drum solo. Ernie the Elephant of the
Smoochyland Band works it. The animal band plays a
sloppy version of "Pop Goes the Weasel." End on Spinner
Dunn -- the newest and by far largest member of the band.
Spinner holds s cowbell and seems to be concentrating
intently on the proper moment to hit it. Unfortunately,
his rhythm is off, which throws the rest of the band off
We WIDEN OUT to see Smoochy and the Rhinettes attempting
to dance to the off-kilter rhythm. The song finally
ends. The Rhinettes glare at Spinner. Smoochy addresses
Boy, wasn't that fun? In an
awkward kind of way? Anyhoo, how
'bout a big round of applause for
the newest member of the
Smoochyland Band... former
heavyweight contender, Spinner
Spinner stands up to take a bow and almost knocks the
entire bandstand over. There is a smattering of confused
applause from the kids in the bleachers. Spinner drops
the cowbell and it clangs on the studio floor.
INT. BACKSTAGE - AFTER SHOW
A beaming Spinner runs up to Sheldon, who's still in
Did I do good, Sheldon, huh? Did I
Yeah, that was great, Spinner.
Just watch your elbow next time.
Pinky's probably gonna lose that
Okey doke. I'm gonna go get drunk
Spinner skips off humming "Pop Goes the Weasel" and
banging his cowbell. Nora passes Sheldon backstage.
Nice job. Casting the show with
mental patients, I like that.
He is not a mental patient. He's
an ex-boxer and nightclub owner
who happens to have the sweet
innocent brian of a five-year-old!
Excuse me for not making the
EXT. BROADWAY (TIMES SQUARE) - NIGHT
Sheldon exits the Kidnet building and walks to the curb
to hail a cab. A friendly-looking man in a suit and bow
tie approaches him. This is MERV GREEN.
A limo pulls up in front of them. Merv opens the back
Thanks anyway, but I'm going
Merv pulls his jacket back to reveal a revolver tucked in
Humor me, rhino.
INT. LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Sheldon slides into the back seat of the limo. A big
thug in an overcoat, HENRY, is already sitting there.
Merv gets in behind him and shuts the door. Sheldon is
now wedged between the two men as the limo heads down
Broadway. Merv extends his hand.
Merv Green, Sheldon. It's a
pleasure to meet you.
If you're hoping for an autograph,
the gun's a bit much. The whole
'catch more flies with honey'
thing -- it really holds water.
Sheldon laughs nervously.
Sheldon, I represent the Parade of
Hope Foundation. Maybe you've
heard of us.
You raise money to build
children's hospitals, right?
We've been known to add a brick or
Merv and the thug laugh.
Sheldon, let me get right to the
point -- there's talk on the
street that you're pulling out of
the ice show. Is that true?
You know, I never agreed to an
ice show, nor would I ever agree
to do an ice show, and let me add
that none of this is your concern,
(shakes his head)
Listen carefully, son: Parade of
Hope has sponsored every Kidnet
ice show since 1964. We take a
piece off the top and everybody
walks away happy. So let's not
Well, I appreciate the offer, but
for the gazillionth time, I'm not
doing an ice show, so we have
nothing to discuss. Now, if
you'll just pull over, I'll get
out and we'll say our toodley-dos.
Far corner, please.
Allow me to be less murky.
Starting tomorrow, Smoochy the
Rhino raises his baton for Parade
of Hope. Benefits, banquets,
fund-raisers, I want it all.
Pull over, Terry.
The car pulls to the curb.
And as far as the ice show goes...
I recommend you start shopping
The door pops open and Sheldon is tossed out.
INT. CORPORATE PENTHOUSE - NIGHT
A troubled-looking Sheldon stands on his balcony looking
out at the city. He drinks orange juice straight from
Sheldon is on the phone with Burke.
This is unacceptable, Burke! I'm
calling the authorities.
Don't do it, Shel. You rat on
Parade of Hope and you'll be lucky
if they find your toenails. These
guys are the roughest of all the
I was threatened by an
organization that's supposed to
help children! What kind of world
The real one. My advice?
Consider the ice show and stay
Burke hangs up. After a beat, Sheldon's DOORBELL RINGS.
He walks over to the door and opens it. To his surprise,
Nora is standing there.
May I come in?
Nora enters. She seems a little wobbly. Sheldon notices
she's holding a pint of whiskey.
Uh... are you okay?
I'm getting drunk and I'm not used
Oh. Well, not to make you feel
worse, but with alcohol you're
also consuming empty calories.
Nora looks at him for a moment.
It's just that... I want to
apologize, actually. And on those
rare occasions when I feel the
need to apologize for something,
it helps if I'm, you know... shit-
Wow. I'm honored.
Nora trips slightly. Sheldon takes the whiskey from her.
Why don't we get some air?
He leads her out on the balcony. They look out at the
I... I may have been a little
harsh when we spoke the other day.
A little out of line.
Well, it wasn't as bad as the week
before when you called me a pasty-
faced, no-talent hack.
Yes, that was probably insensitive
(looks at him)
I heard you're not doing the ice
show. I find that... incredibly
admirable. Why didn't you tell
I guess I didn't want to spoil
your fun. You look so content
when you're berating me.
Nora looks down.
I'm afraid I have become a bit
hardened over the years.
Sincerity's an easy disguise in
this business. It's hard to know
who's on the level.
Believe me, I'm learning that more
and more every day.
'Sometimes light is really dark,
Sometimes crows can sing like
Sometimes Winter feels like
Don't think you know everything.'
'Rickets the Hippo'?
You remember Rickets?
That was my favorite show when I
was a kid. Rickets was the one
face I knew I could trust.
That's how I felt! Rickets had
real depth. He was my inspiration
Really? He was my inspiration to
work in children's television.
I can't believe it. I never met
anyone who even remembers Rickets.
Do you remember the Klunky-Wunky
Remember it? I did it at my first
Sheldon starts doing the rather insane-looking Klunky-
Wunky dance. Nora does it with him. They both stop and
look at each other. Sheldon impulsively leans in and
I'm sorry. That was a mistake,
right? I didn't mean for that to
Nora grabs his head and pulls it toward her. They begin
(as they kiss)
You're not full of shit like all
the others, are you?
(as they kiss)
You're for real, right?
(through the kisses)
I mean, I couldn't tell... First I
thought it was an act... and then
I just thought you were a simp or
Shhh... you don't have to
They continue to kiss. Nora abruptly stops.
I should go.
Nora exits the balcony and collects her coat and purse.
What's wrong? Is it the whiskey?
If you have to throw up, be my
guest. Anywhere you like.
It's just getting late.
Sheldon follows her to the door. She stops and looks at
him for a moment. The PHONE starts to RING. Neither of
them says anything for a beat.
Better get that. Good night.
She exits. Sheldon shuts the door and sighs. He goes to
the bar to pour himself another orange juice before
picking up the phone.
We GO TO a HORIZONTAL SPLIT-SCREEN. Randolph is on the
BOTTOM HALF. He lies on his bed in Angelo's apartment
wearing a bathrobe with a towel wrapped around his head.
His head dangles off the bed as he talks on the phone.
The SHOT is reminiscent of Bye Bye Birdie.
Hello, Mr. Mopes? My name is
Benjamin Kunklepeck and I'm
calling on behalf of 'Parents for
Decency in Children's Television,'
perhaps you've heard of us?
No, but I like where you're coming
from. It's an issue very close to
my heart. Why just yesterday I
was commenting --
Sir, we're having a banquet
tomorrow and we'd be honored to
have you perform for us. We would
also like to present you with a
plaque for your ongoing commitment
to children's television. The
presenter will be a young orphan
with mild asthma. Can you attend?
EXT. VERRAZANO NARROWS BRIDGE - NEXT MORNING
A black Lincoln Town Car travels across the bridge toward
Thanks for picking me up, Mr.
Kunklepeck. It's very nice of
INT. TOWN CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Sheldon is in the back seat. The Smoochy costume is next
to him. Behind the wheel is Randolph. He's in disguise.
Don't be silly. The chance to
have Smoochy the Rhino perform at
our little soiree? I'd carry you
piggy-back through a bed of hot
rusty glass if I had to.
Well, it's always a pleasure to
help out a worthy cause. And
believe me, I've learned lately
that it's not all sunshine and
daffodils in the land of non-
I just looove your show, by the
way. It's such a refreshing
change of pace from that dreadful
embezzler... what's his name
again? Rainbow something or
Yes. Rainbow Randolph. What a
scoundrel! He's probably gay too.
Oh, I don't know. I feel sorry
for him, actually. He obviously
has problems or issues that he
needs to sort out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but don't you
take particular glee in that you
basically stole his time slot?
Helped shovel dirt onto his
miserable corpse, as it were?
No, I would never take pleasure in
someone's downfall. You know the
old expression about walking a
mile in another man's shoes?
Well, that really holds water.
Just try to imagine --
Come on, he's a fucking asshole!
You hate him! Admit it!
Uh... can we listen to the radio?
EXT. WAREHOUSE - SHORT WHILE LATER
The Town Car is parked behind an old warehouse in the
middle of nowhere. Sheldon is now in costume. Randolph
rushes out of the door, very excited.
Okay, they're ready for you!
I gotta say, this is a first -- I
never performed in a tractor parts
Well, we like to do these things
no-frills. It's all about the
Amen to that.
Randolph opens the door a crack and listens. We hear an
O.S. VOICE from inside.
It gives me great pleasure to
introduce our very special
guest... a supporter of the cause
and a friend to the brotherhood.
Please welcome, the one, the
only... Smoochy the Rhino!
We hear APPLAUSE. Randolph quickly opens the rusty door.
Knock 'em dead, kid!
He shoves Sheldon inside.
INT. WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Sheldon runs in and immediately starts singing and
dancing on the makeshift stage.
'Well, how-do-you-do, my good
friends! How do-you-do, my pals!
It's so nice to see good friends!
Sing along with me now! How do
you do, my good -- '
Sheldon abruptly stops singing as a look of shock comes
over him. PUSH IN ON his troubled face.
INT. WAREHOUSE - SHELDON'S POV
Several hundred men in Nazi uniforms in a warehouse
draped in swastikas. They all start chanting:
Heil Smoochy! Heil Smoochy! Heil
A huge swastika banner unfurls behind Smoochy, framing
him like Patton in front of the American flag.
Flashbulbs go off. The "Heil Smoochys" continue. A
GERMAN MARCH starts to BLARE from the SPEAKERS. Looking
stunned, Sheldon slowly leans into the mic. He clears
his throat. The MUSIC STOPS. Everyone quiets down. He
searches for just the right words, and finally...
It's my sincere hope that I'm
dreaming right now, but in the
event that I'm not... what's the
deal with the swastikas?
Suddenly, a sea of policemen bursts into the warehouse.
This is an unlawful assembly, you
kraut sons-a-bitches! You're all
Pandemonium ensues us all the Nazis run for cover.
Sheldon stands in the middle of it all, unsure what to
EXT. WAREHOUSE - SHORT WHILE LATER
Sheldon is led from the warehouse in handcuffs and is
barraged with questions from waiting REPORTERS.
Flashbulbs go off as they shout out questions.
Are you officially a member of the
Aryan Brotherhood, Sheldon?
Is it true you consider Adolph
Hitler your personal hero?
Do you think associating with neo-
Nazis might adversely affect your
How does it feel to be a hate-
filled racist scumbag?
This is a mix-up! I'm innocent!
I don't hate anyone!
Does that mean you don't hate
Wait! I didn't say that! I --
Sheldon is shoved into the back seat of a squad car. It
drives off, SIRENS BLARING.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT
The squad car drives through Times Square. The headlines
on the zipper marquee GLIDE THROUGH the FRAME: "Smoochy
the Rhino Arrested at Nazi Rally... Cops Raid Warehouse
During Rhino's Performance... Aryan Brotherhood Declares
Smoochy 'One of us.'... President Condemns 'Smoochy the
INT. SQUAD CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Sheldon stares out the window as the dark city passes by.
We SLOWLY MOVE IN ON his eyes as we...
FLASHBACK - STUDIO C - SOMETIME IN PAST
In SLOW MOTION, Smoochy dances in the studio while
holding a delighted little girl in his arms.
Sheldon is fingerprinted and photographed.
STOCK FOOTAGE of a wild rhinoceros being shot by hunters.
Smoochy's Magic Jungle is dismantled.
SUBURBAN DRIVEWAY - PAST
A young Sheldon helps his grandfather spread black paint
on a driveway.
TIMES SQUARE - DAY (PRESENT)
The Smoochy billboard is torn down.
The Smoochy costume is in flames. It slowly burns to
EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY
The Kidnet CEO stands before a cluster of reporters and
network cameras. We can see the Times Square zipper
marquee THROUGH the glass doors behind him.
Headlines read: "Congressional Committee Probes Nazi
Ties to Kid Biz"... "Smoochy Photos Removed From City
Elementary Schools"... "Jewish Groups Plan 'Day of
Outrage'"... "Rhino in Bronx Zoo Pelted With Eggs"...
Here at Kidnet, Smoochy the Rhino
is now Smoochy the Ghost. We have
excised that particular malignancy
from our network and will seek out
a suitable replacement.
Until then, the Smoochy slot will
be safely occupied by Popeye
cartoons. Thank you.
The reporters furiously scribble down his statement.
END OF MONTAGE.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Randolph dances down the street like Gene Kelly. He
whistles a happy tune and tips his hat to everyone who
walks by. As he dances along, he pets a dog...
Hi there, poochy!
Coos at a baby in a stroller...
Well, aren't you the cutest little
boo-boo in the world!
And grabs a rose from a flower vendor before handing it
to an old lady...
For you, my dear! May you live to
be a hundred!
He continues to dance onward, waving back at everyone.
Unfortunately, he doesn't realize he's heading straight
for a light pole and slams into it with a sickening
EXT. KIDNET BUILDING - NIGHT
Nora exits the revolving door of the Kidnet building and
heads down Broadway. Sheldon pops out from a store
front. He's wearing a knit cap and sunglasses to
I have to talk to you.
Nora keeps walking.
We have nothing to talk about.
Don't tell me you believe what
I don't have to believe anyone.
The picture in the paper said it
all. No one forced you to perform
at that rally.
Perform? I barely sang one song.
Well maybe next time you'll do
a longer set.
Nora, I had no idea that was a
Nazi function. None whatsoever!
Funny, you'd think the fifty-foot
swastika you were standing in
front of might've given you a
The papers are blowing that out of
proportion. It was nowhere near
Nora stops and looks Sheldon in the eye.
Look, the fact of the matter is, I
don't know you, okay? Not really.
So don't expect me to go out on an
emotional limb here.
Sheldon looks crushed.
But what about the balcony? What
about the Klunky-Wunky dance?
I was drunk. Don't read too much
She looks at him for a moment and then walks off.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - DAYS LATER
A disheveled and unshaven Sheldon wanders the streets,
looking dazed. He's stuffing a cupcake into his mouth
and swigging from a bottle of root beer. He passes a
construction site and notices some graffiti on a wall --
a crudely-drawn goose-stepping Smoochy in a Nazi uniform
and Hitler moustache. Sheldon keeps walking. He
descends the subway stairs at 42nd Street.
EXT. CONEY ISLAND STATION - STREET LEVEL - LATER
Sheldon comes up from the subway. We see the Cyclone
from Astroland in the b.g.
EXT. SIDE STREET (CONEY ISLAND) - FEW MINUTES LATER
Sheldon stands in front of the methadone clinic he used
to perform at. It's boarded up. He just stares at it.
An OLD VAGRANT walks up to him.
If you're lookin' to get a cup of
juice, the well's dried up, son.
City shut her down. Bastards'll
put a new pair of tits on the
Statue of Liberty, but they won't
help a poor hophead.
The Vagrant shakes his head sadly.
Just once I wish I had a little
clout. You know? I'd set things
straight in this town, believe me.
Hell of a world.
He walks off.
Hell of a world.
INT. STOKES' OFFICE
On a large screen TV the smiling Asian face of Takashi
Yamashita, who's singing Cole Porter's "I Get a Kick Out
of You" in Japanese.
CUT BACK to reveal Takashi wearing a white sequined
tuxedo with tails as he plays a white grand piano. He
looks like an Asian Liberace. He is circled by a group
of Japanese children who sing along with him.
'Takashi Sings Tin Pan Alley for
Youngsters' is the hottest show
on Japanese television. The sweat
shops are working overtime trying
to keep up with the demand.
Record albums, toys, cereal, tee
shirts, you name it...
INT. STOKES' OFFICE - DAY
Several tough-looking Asian men -- CHICK, SAMBO, and TOBI
-- Takashi's management group -- sits in Stokes' office.
Takashi sits quietly in the corner. Stokes sits behind
his desk, sipping his trademark glass of wine.
Look, Stokes, let's cut the
bullshit. We want Takashi in
that Smoochy slot and we're willing
to do whatever it takes to get it.
Pardon me for saying this, but for
a non-resident of this country,
you speak impeccable English.
I'm originally from Teaneck.
We own every hair on this bastard's
head and we're willing to share a
few strands... if you get my drift.
Well, it's not that simple. I
have an executive board to answer
to. I wish I could just snap my
fingers and make a deal but --
You mean like this?
Chick snaps his fingers and Tobi, the third Asian guy,
walks over and drops a duffel bag on Stokes' desk.
Oh my. And what is this on my
Two hundred grand in a Louis
Vuitton duffle bag. Get our boy
the slot and we'll round it off to
a million. And you can keep the
Stokes stares down at the bundle of opportunity on his
You're dealing with an honorable
culture, Frank. We know how to
Stokes unzips the bag and gazes at the money. He looks
up at Chick and smiles.
Gentlemen, I suddenly feel
invigorated and full of hope.
INT. NORA'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
On Nora's TV screen, we see the black and white image of
Rickets the Hippo doing the "Klunky-Wunky Dance." Nora
sits on the couch and stares hypnotically at the screen.
There is a KNOCK at the door. She gets up and ejects the
"Best of Rickets" tape. She opens the door. To her
surprise, Randolph is standing there.
Before she can respond, he enters the apartment and takes
off his jacket.
So here's the good news: Yes,
I'll be happy to end my sabbatical
and return to my old slot. I know
you and Frank are in a bind, so
I'll start Monday. Call wardrobe,
call props, tell 'em the R man is
back and he's ready to start
whistlin' dem happy tunes for da
He flops down on the couch.
Ahhh. Who do ya gotta blow to get
a Scotch around here?
You've got three seconds to pry
your ass off my couch and get out.
Randolph jumps to his feet.
Dammit, Nora! The rhino's gone!
You need that slot filled and
I'm ready to reclaim what's
Just in case you forgot, you're a
criminal and a scumbag.
Okay, so maybe I commandeered a
stray shekel or two. Big deal!
Compared to what Smoochy did
that's like jerking off in the
Where do you shop?
Randolph walks over and puts his hands on her shoulders.
Come on. Have you lost all
affection for me? After what we
That was a long time ago. I was
young and stupid.
Why we broke up I'll never know.
You turned into an asshole and I
didn't love you.
We could've worked through all
He leans in to kiss her and she shoves him away so
violently he almost falls over the coffee table.
Damn it, Nora! The public is
clamoring for me! I'm a fucking
patriot! Mopes is a Nazi! He's
evil! He's probably even gay!
You should've seen the way he was
checking me out in the car!
What does that mean?
What does what mean?
You said he was checking you out
in the car. What car?
No... it's just a vibe! A Nazi
homosexual vibe! It emanates from
the television! The whole Smoochy
costume... with the erect horn...
I mean, what's that all about?
Nora starts to walk closer to him. He backs up.
You're talking awfully fast,
I still love you! Let's go on a
Were you at that rally? Tell me!
Did you have something to do with
She backs him against the wall and looks him in the eye.
Did you set Sheldon up?
Randolph just looks at her.
You know, now I remember why we
broke up. Always with the
accusations. Bitch, bitch,
Nora hauls off and punches him in the jaw.
INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - NIGHT
A morose-looking Spinner Dunn sits alone at the end of
the bar in the nightclub. Tommy walks over.
What's wrong, kid? The mayor of
Patterson's here with his wife.
They wanna meet ya.
I don't wanna meet no one. I miss
Smoochy! He never woulda done the
things they say he done. He ain't
no Nazi. Someone's making stuff
up. I just know it, Tommy.
Someone's making stuff up!
Spinner starts violently pounding his head on the bar,
causing GLASSES to RATTLE.
I want Smoochy back! I want to be
on TV again! I want to play my
Nora enters the restaurant. She looks around and
Hi, Tommy. Hi, Spinner. Has
Burke been in tonight?
Haven't seen him.
Something I can help you with?
I have to talk to him. It's about
Spinner lifts his head from the bar.
Sheldon? What about Sheldon?
INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Randolph is napping on Angelo's couch with an ice pack on
his sore jaw thanks to Nora's fist. There is a sudden
LOUD POUNDING at the door. Randolph startles awake.
I'm trying to sleep, asshole!
Read the fucking meter some other
After a beat, the door is kicked open and Tommy and his
crew are standing there.
You wanna tell me about the rhino?
Hey, this is private property,
creep! And you're trespassing!
Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little
Danny advances toward a shaking Randolph, fist clenched
and rolling up his sleeve.
RANDOLPH'S POV - DANNY
approaches. He cocks his arm and throws a punch.
Danny's fist FILLS the FRAME, TURNING IT BLACK as we hear
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - SERIES OF DISSOLVES - BEFORE DAWN
Newspaper trucks pull up to various newsstands and toss
out bundles of the morning editions. As each bundle
lands on the curb, we see headlines that span over the
next few days:
SMOOCHY SET UP - SMILEY BEHIND NAZI PLOT
PLANNED TO DESTROY RHINO'S REP
POLL: RAINBOW RANDOLPH MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA
PUBLIC OUTCRY: "WE'RE SORRY SMOOCHY!"
EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - DAY
Randolph, bruised and battered, emerges from the police
station with his LAWYER. REPORTERS and photographers
How does it feel to be voted the
most hated man in America,
In a country like this, where your
average citizen is a fuckin'
Neanderthal, I wear it as a badge of
What about Ms. Bishop's charge that
you have an unhealthy obsession
with Sheldon Mopes?
Listen, I barely know that broad.
She's a wacko. An opportunist.
I'm the most accused man since
Someone throws an egg and it hits Randolph in the face.
(on verge of tears)
That was unfair! Who threw that?
That was mean and uncalled for!
My client is not answering any
more questions. Between his
dwindling cash flow and mounting
legal bills he's sinking into a
deep psychotic depression. Please
stop antagonizing him. Thank you.
He pushes a sullen Randolph through the cluster of
INT. BACKSTAGE - STUDIO C - DAY
A makeup woman dabs Sheldon's forehead as he's about to
go on. Nora stands next to him. A LOW TYMPANY ROLL is
heard from the stage.
I wouldn't be back here if it wasn't
I'm just sorry I didn't believe
you... that I got swept up in the
frenzy of anti-Smoochyism.
Well, this town's a house of mirrors
sometimes. It's hard to know what
you're looking at.
He takes a couple of pre-show deep breaths. A STAGEHAND
They're ready for you, Sheldon.
Sheldon exits backstage.
INT. STUDIO C - CONTINUOUS ACTION
The lights in the studio dim.
Ladies and gentlemen... boys and
Who's your favorite rhino?
An explosion of enthusiasm from the kids in the
KIDS IN BLEACHERS
The lights come up as the Smoochyland Band plays a
strong, dramatic version of "Battle Hymn of the
Republic." After a moment, Smoochy slowly rises from a
lift under the stage. A giant sign above the jungle
lights up and emits a pyrotechnic shower of sparks. It
reads: WELCOME HOME SMOOCHY!
ANGLE ON SMOOCHYLAND BAND
A beaming Spinner Dunn enthusiastically bangs his cowbell
to the music as tears stream down his cheeks.
BACK ON SMOOCHY
He majestically stands center stage and nods to the kids
who are giving him a standing ovation. The song
crescendos with a rousing final chorus from the
Smoochyland Band who sing, "His truth is marching on!"
Thunderous applause from the bleachers. Smoochy walks
over to a stool and takes a seat. It's very quiet in the
studio now. Smoochy, looking uncharacteristically
serious, picks up a microphone as the lights go down.
He's in black limbo.
Thank you. It's good to be back.
You know, kids, sometimes life in
the jungle can be unfair. A place
where nice guys don't just finish
last... they get their heads cut
Gasps from the bleachers.
That pretty world you think you
know is just props and scenery.
Lollipop trees with roots in
ANGLE - NORA
watches nervously from offstage.
BACK ON SMOOCHY
So look around you, boys and
girls. Every day. Be diligent!
Stand strong! As the old proverb
says: Beat a dog one time too
many and you get a wolf! Let's
start howling! Howl for me, boys
The kids in the bleachers howl along with Smoochy.
Okay, I just wanted to get that
off my chest. Who wants to do the
The kids cheer as the Smoochyland Band launches into the
Hokey-Pokey song and Smoochy starts dancing. The kids
pour out of the bleachers onto the jungle set. Everyone
is dancing and having a ball. Nora is clapping to the
music offstage. Sheldon and Nora exchange affectionate
INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Randolph sits in front of the TELEVISION in a daze. He's
wearing a ratty bathrobe and absentmindedly tosses cheese
curls onto the floor from a bag on his lap. ON the TV,
an "Entertainment Tonight"-type show with two perky hosts
is covering Smoochy's return to the airwaves. The hosts,
Tara and Hunter show Smoochy's dynamic entrance and the
standing ovation he got during the taping that day.
Well, Smoochy's back and boy did
we miss him. Hundreds of well-
wishers stood outside Kidnet
Studios today hoping to catch a
glimpse of their favorite rhino.
That's right, Tara. Smoochy's
popularity is stronger than ever
thanks to his recent exoneration
as a Nazi sympathizer. In fact,
several movie studios are offering
big bucks for a chance to bring
the Smoochy story to the silver
The BROADCAST CONTINUES. Smoochy images flash across the
screen. Randolph has been mumbling the whole time.
(quietly to himself)
Bad... very bad... too much for
brain... pressure building... ears
ringing... eyes burning...
He jumps up and kicks the TV over. He picks up a lamp
and starts beating the TV.
I hate you! I fucking hate you!!!
You devil-horned mind fucker!
Die, die, die!!
Angelo, who was cooking in the kitchen, runs out. He's
wearing an apron.
What are you doing?! That's a
(notices cheese curls)
Look at this place!
He grabs the lamp from Randolph.
That's it! I want you out of
Where am I supposed to go?
I don't care!
(pointing to door)
INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - NIGHT
Spinner's massive arms envelope Sheldon in a bear hug,
practically lifting him out of his seat. Burke, who's
having dinner with Sheldon, holds onto the table before
it gets knocked over.
Easy, Spinner. Watch the ribs,
I missed you so much!
I missed you too, champ.
He drops Sheldon and pulls out his cowbell.
I've been practicing and
practicing and I got real good,
Sheldon. Real good!
He starts banging on it with a butter knife. Sheldon
Wanna see me march?
Sure, why not.
Spinner starts marching through the restaurant, clanging
the cowbell. People who are trying to eat their dinner
look annoyed. Sheldon sits back down at his table.
So you were saying you had some
Yes. Some very good news. After
giving it a lot of thought... I've
decided to do the ice show.
Burke gleefully slaps Sheldon on the shoulder.
Finally! I got me a bar mitzvah
boy. Today you are a man!
I realize now it's a sin to waste
Like they say, rock bottom's a
But here's the really good news:
I'm doing it myself. No sponsors,
no vendors, no crooks. Not one
dirty hand will touch this. Not
one person will make a dollar off
these kids. Smoochy on Ice will
be a study in purity.
Burke's grin suddenly fades.
As far as food concessions go,
I'll supply the refreshments. For
free. Low sodium, whole wheat
pretzels and apple slices. Healthy
stuff. Now are you ready for the
I'm holding my breath.
All profits from ticket sales will
be used to built a state-of-the-
art methadone clinic in Coney
Burke looks pale.
I'm not just talking a run-of-the-
mill clinic... I'm going to build
a methadone palace. A place where
men and women can withdraw in
Sheldon, you can't do an ice show
and cut out the vendors. And more
importantly, you can't cut out the
Parade of Hope. It's suicide.
You always told me, when you've
got muscles you make the rules.
Well, I'm feeling pretty strong
Sheldon rises and tosses his napkin down.
All this time I was letting the
business use me. Well, I think it's
time I start using the business.
I've got my clout back and I'm not
gonna waste it this time. Take care
of it, Burke.
Sheldon exits. Burke sits there, looking very concerned.
On his way out the door, Tommy stops Sheldon. Spinner's
COWBELL CLANGING continues.
Shel, you gotta help me out. He
bangs that goddamn thing from
morning till night. I got a
headache that goes from my eyes to
Whatever I can do, Tommy, just say
it. You know I love Spinner. And
I owe you.
Give the boy something else to do on
the show. Anything. Just as long
as it don't clang, chime or honk.
INT. STOKES' OFFICE - TIGHT ON FACE OF FRANK STOKES -
frightened. There's a gun to his temple.
Chick, the Asian representative of Takashi, holds a
revolver on Stokes. His cohorts, Sambo and Tobi, stand
I don't like complications, Frank.
You got one week to get Takashi that
slot or you're gonna be shakin'
hands with Buddha.
Don't you understand? My hands are
tied. The rhino's been exonerated.
The show's more popular than ever.
(to Sambo and Tobi)
Okay, boys, chop him up, bag him
and dump him in the woods.
Sambo and Tobi start to advance on Stokes.
All right! I'll take care of it!
I just need time!
Chick leans into Stokes' face.
One week, Jeeves. Got that? Or
I get a blender and make an Orange
Julius with your feet.
EXT. STREET - DAY
A down-and-out Randolph shuffles along in ratty bedroom
slippers. He passes a MAN who sits behind a small table
on the sidewalk. The table has a huge photograph of a
rhinoceros taped in front of it. Literature and
pamphlets depicting the black rhino are spread out on the
Save the rhino! Before it's too
late! Make a donation! Save the
Hey, mister, ya wanna help save
Randolph just looks at him for a moment. He looks at all
the rhino-related imagery. He starts shaking and
suddenly jumps over the table and attacks the Man.
I'm the one who needs to be saved!
Me. I'm broke! I lost my lawyer!
My only friend kicked me out! I'm
a fucking peanut shell in the
shape of a man! Save the
Rainbow! Save the Rainbow!
Save the Rainbow!
Help! Someone call a cop!
Randolph grabs the collection can and runs off.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY
It's a chilly, grey afternoon. Stokes and Burke walk along
the lake framed by the New York skyline.
Your client is suffocating me. To
make matters worse, he's caused me
to veer into a hazardous situation.
A situation that otherwise could
have a very happy ending.
Tell me more about the Asians.
They're ruthless. Unwavering.
Unprincipled. And best of all,
they know how the game is played.
They respect our delicate
ecosystem of mutual benefit.
Stokes stops walking and grabs Burke's arm.
I'd bring you in on this, Burke.
You'd be my partner on the Takashi
deal. Split down the middle. We
have an opportunity to get back on
track here. Back to the way it
The good old days.
The two men look at each other as thoughts pass silently
This is very sticky ground we're
about to walk on.
Well, you're used to a little
glue on your shoes.
Let me poke around. Sift through
EXT. ALLEY OFF ND STREET - THEATER STAGE DOOR -
A slender young man in a Peter Pan costume in being held
by a big thug as another thug beats him up. A girl
dressed as Tinkerbell (also being restrained) looks on in
horror. Merv Green (Parade of Hope) steps INTO FRAME.
This is what happens to guys who
keep secrets, Johnny.
I'll give you the rest next week!
It's not me you're fucking over,
it's sick kids. You got something
against sick kids, Johnny?
The thug punches him in the stomach again.
No! I love sick kids!
Merv nods to one of the thugs who releases Peter Pan. He
slumps to the ground. Merv kneels down and lifts his
head from the pavement.
And you tell that fat producer of
yours, if he ever gives me a low
head count again, he'll lose the
One of Merv's thugs leans in, whispers something to
Merv, who looks up to see.
Burke standing in the mouth of the alley.
Merv Green. How's tricks, kid?
Well, if it ain't smilin' Burke.
Whose bones are you pickin' today?
You got a minute, pally?
EXT. ND STREET - MOMENTS LATER
Burke and Merv walk along 42nd Street. A poster
advertises Peter Pan "Sponsored by Parade of Hope --
Giving Children the Gift of Promise!" Merv's
thugs trail behind.
No one freezes me out of an ice
show. No one. I don't care how
many fucking clinics he's trying
Look, I'm chokin' on the same bone
If you're trying to aggravate me,
you're doing a hell of a job.
I'm not here to aggravate, just
educate. I think Mopes might be
talking to people he shouldn't be
That's an ugly string of words.
He's got it in his head that he's
gonna clean up the way we do
Truthfully? I wouldn't be
surprised if he's wearing a wire.
Burke looks at his watch.
Jesus, I got a thing across town.
He steps off the curb to hail a cab.
Let's keep talking, Merv. There's
oughta be some kind of solution.
Don't you think?
Burke hops into a cab. Merv watches the cab pull away.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - OUTSIDE KIDNET BUILDING - TIGHT
SHOT - LEGS OF SMALL CARD TABLE - MORNING
SNAP open. The table is set on the sidewalk. A man's
legs ENTER the FRAME and shakily climb on top of the
Randolph stands on the table directly in front of the
Kidnet Building. He raises the megaphone to his mouth.
Attention, New Yorkers! You are
about to hear a shocking story
Randolph stands on the table directly in front of the
I urge you to listen! It has a
surprise ending you won't want
A crowd starts to form on the sidewalk.
It's the story of a venomous rhino
and his aggressive campaign to
slander, vilify, defame, denigrate
and villainize my good name! But
one thing he can't do, is take my
life from me. No, friends, only I
have the power to do that!
He reaches down and picks up a can of gasoline.
This is what Smoochy has done to
me! He's brought me to this! I
can no longer live in a world
where the innocent suffer and
the wicked thrive!
Randolph raises the can over his head and pauses
Where is God??!!
He drenches himself with gasoline. The crowd grows
larger. He holds up a pack of matches.
I'm sorry to do this, people.
Don't try to talk me out of it.
The crowd starts to applaud. Randolph looks baffled.
MAN IN CROWD
Do it! Light it!
Our guest of honor will be here
any moment! This is for his eyes!
For his conscience. He'll have to
live with this imagine for the
rest of his miserable life!
INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Sheldon sits in the back of a limo on his way to work,
reading the paper. The headline blares: "SMOOCHY
ANNOUNCES ICE SHOW AT GARDEN." The subhead reads:
"ALL PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT BROOKLYN CLINIC."
Take it from me, Lester. Use your
power. Don't squander it -- build
Sound advice, Mr. Mopes. If I
ever get any power I'll give that
Hey, what's going on up there?
Sheldon glances up from his paper.
Looks like a street performer of
He goes back to his paper.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Randolph sees the Kidnet limo approaching.
This is it, folks! It's showtime!
I'm sorry to do this, but he's
left me no choice!
Randolph tries to light another match, but it's wet from
the gasoline. The crowd laughs and starts taunting him.
Shut up, you hillbilly assholes!
You're borough trash! Go back to
your huts across the river!
Randolph keeps trying to light the match. Finally, after
several attempts, it lights. He holds it up. The crowd
burst into applause.
Fuck you! Fuck all you people! I
was the last of the Mohicans!
You'll never see another Rainbow
Randolph in this lifetime! You
had me and you blew it! All of
He turns and faces the approaching limousine.
This if for you, Smoochy!
Remember this! As long as you
live, remember this image! You
did this to me!
He brings the match closer to his gasoline-soaked body.
The limo continues to approach. The crowd taunts him to
do it. He tries to bring the match closer, but his hand
is shaking. Suddenly, a LITTLE GIRL pushes through the
crowd. Everyone quiets down as she looks up at
Whatcha doin', Rainbow Randolph?
Randolph freezes as he looks down at the Little Girl. A
slight look of hope comes over his face. She smiles
sweetly at him, walks over, and blows out the match.
Randolph is overcome with emotion. Just then, Sheldon's
LIMO WHOOSHES past him. The crowd cheers.
They all run away from Randolph and over to Sheldon's
limo as it pulls in front of the Kidnet Building.
Randolph stares at them blankly. He looks down. The
Little Girl is gone. Sheldon gets out of the limo.
The crowd cheers him as he waves to them before going
A look of utter frustration now comes over Randolph.
Randolph drops to his knees on the table, looks skyward,
What does it all mean??!!
The CAMERA RISES ABOVE him as he lets out an anguished
howl that REVERBERATES through the skyscrapers.
INT. KIDNET STUDIOS - BACKSTAGE - TIGHT ON DISAPPOINTED
FACE OF SPINNER DUNN - DAY
What do you mean I can't play the
cowbell no more?
Sheldon gently tries to break the news to Spinner who's
on the verge of tears.
You're too talented for the
cowbell, Spinner. Cowbells are
(a little angry)
I ain't no baby!
That's right. You're a fully
grown man. With whiskers... and
scars... the whole sha-bang.
That's why you deserve a bigger
role on the show. A more
Spinner's face starts to perk up.
INT. STUDIO C - SHORT WHILE LATER
It's the middle of a Smoochy taping. Smoochy and the
Gang are wrapping up a song entitled, "My Stepdad's Not
Mean (He's Just Adjusting.)" The kids in the bleachers
are singing the chorus.
'Stepdads are people too/ They
have bad days, like we all do/
Be patient and help them through/
Stepdads are people too...'
Smoochy continues the song.
... 'So three cheers for the man
that I proudly call Stan... He's
not quite a dad or a brother...
Yes, he gets cross, but still he's
the boss... And besides he takes
care of my mother!'
The song ends. The kids in the bleachers applaud.
Smoochy addresses them.
Remember, kids. First
impressions, good or bad, are not
always what they seem. Just like
a new puppy, new dads need to
adjust to their surroundings. So
give 'em time! But always
remember... if he becomes abusive
to you or Mommy... what are the
KIDS IN BLEACHERS
(shouting in unison)
The Smoochyland Band plays a little fanfare.
And now, boys and girls, I have a
special surprise. I'd like to
introduce the newest member of the
Magic Jungle... my cousin...
Moochy the Rhino!
The Smoochyland Band plays a happy little song as Spinner
Dunn, in costume as Moochy, runs on stage. The Moochy
costume is identical to Smoochy only it's a darker
orange instead of bright orange.
Howdy, Moochy! Welcome to the
Jungle! You wanna say howdy to
Spinner freezes. He stares at the camera.
My name is Moochy.
That's right. We've established
(leaning into Sheldon)
Sheldon, this costume's makin' my
Sheldon looks horrified. The Smoochyland Band quickly
launches into some music. Smoochy, Moochy and a few
other jungle animals begin to dance. Moochy's lumbering
movements are in stark contrast to the choreographed
steps of the others. As a bonus, he occasionally
scratches his crotch.
INT. SHELDON'S DRESSING ROOM - AFTER THE SHOW
A happy Spinner (still in costume as Moochy) pokes his
head into Sheldon's dressing room. Sheldon, still in
costume as well, looks drained after the difficult
That was fun! Was it bad when I
done that thing, where I tripped
and knocked over the Flamingo and
then he knocked over the cameraman
and then those lights fell down on
that lady's head?
It's fine, Spinner. We'll edit it
out. But tomorrow in rehearsal
we're gonna work on a new thing
called 'the importance of hitting
Great! I get to hit something!
Spinner dances off. A beat later, Nora enters and shuts
the door. There's an awkward beat of silence.
I read about the ice show.
Yeah, the papers seem to be really
I think it's great. What you're
doing for that clinic.
I just need some clarification...
Don't worry. Spinner just needs
a little more rehearsal. I'll get
No I mean about us.
Sheldon looks uncomfortable.
Ever since you've been back I just
feel like there's something that's
I guess I'm still readjusting a
little. Like a guy who's come
back from the war. Not that I'd
equate my misfortune with the
brave men and women who protect
I just thought we were on our way
to something... granted, my
mistaken belief that you had ties
to Neo-Nazis might have put a
damper on our relationship, but
I'm sorry for --
Sheldon suddenly jumps up and grabs her. He kisses her
passionately. Nora immediately starts ripping off his
costume as they make out. They fall to the floor in
a lustful embrace.
INT. STUDIO - BACK HALLWAY - SAME TIME
Spinner, humming to himself, lumbers down the hallway on
his way to the wardrobe room. Halfway down the hall, he
hears a voice call out to him.
Hey -- rhino.
Spinner turns around. The door to the fire exit swings
open. Two of Merv's thugs emerge and grab Spinner (who's
still in full Moochy costume) and drag him into the
INT. UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE - MOMENT LATER
Spinner is dragged into the garage and knocked to the
pavement. Several more thugs emerge from the shadows,
including Henry, Merv's main henchman. They start
beating him with lead pipes. Henry pulls out a REVOLVER.
He SHOOTS the rhino several times. A sedan trunk is
popped open and Moochy is thrown inside. The CAR
SCREECHES up to the street.
INT. CHINATOWN - NIGHT
We CRANE DOWN FROM a Chinese banner that stretches across
two tenements. We LAND ON the seedy, deserted street
below as the SEDAN BARRELS INTO FRAME and SQUEALS to a
Two thugs emerge from the car. They pull Spinner/Moochy
from the trunk and toss his body by some garbage cans,
knocking a few over. They get back in the car and speed
away. Moochy's lifeless foam body rolls into the gutter
and lays motionless. Blood seeps through his foamy
LOW OVERHEAD SHOT
of Spinner/Moochy. We SLOWLY START TO RISE UP as we LOOK
DOWN AT the rhino's body. The WIND WHISTLES through the
empty street as we get HIGHER. The Chinese banner
rustles THROUGH the FRAME. As we get HIGHER AND HIGHER,
we hear the intermittent CLANG of a PRIZE FIGHT BELL.
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SAME STREET - HOURS LATER
In the same frame, detectives and uniformed cops are now
at the scene gathering evidence. Where Spinner once lay,
there is now a bright yellow chalk outline in the shape
of a rhinoceros.
INT. PARADE OF HOPE OFFICES - NEXT DAY
FULL FRAME ON a TELEVISION screen. A local news anchor
is reading the top story.
Former heavyweight contender and
restaurateur Lawrence 'Spinner'
Dunn was found shot to death in a
rhinoceros outfit early this
morning in Chinatown. Dunn, a
frequent performer on 'Smoochy's
Magic Jungle,' was pronounced dead
at the scene. Police are
searching for --
A hand ENTERS FRAME and violently slaps the TV OFF.
An enraged Merv Green glares at his henchmen, Henry and
How could you hit the wrong
Who knew Smoochy had a cousin
Moochy? They look fucking
Smoochy is bright orange, Moochy
is burnt rust! Read the papers!
Do I gotta take you back to
All you said was 'hit the rhino.'
You never specified the color.
I'm not taking the blame for this
Merv's anger builds. He turns to a picture of Smoochy
which is tacked to a bulletin board along with other kid
show personalities that the foundation extorts. Merv
picks up a letter opener and violently thrusts it into
I'm not through with you yet,
rhino! Your time will fucking
INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - SHORT WHILE LATER
Cops rummage through Angelo's apartment. In the b.g.,
a detective, ELLIS, interviews Angelo. Another
detective, McCALL, is looking through some papers he
Ellie, over here.
Ellis walks over. McCall shows him some scribblings he's
found in a notebook of Randolph's. The crude drawings
depict Smoochy with his head cut off... with a knife in
his heart... being pissed on by Randolph, etc. "Die,
Rhino, Die" is scrawled hundreds of times, filling page
after page. The two detectives look at each other and
INT. SPINNER DUNN'S RESTAURANT - DAY
Spinner sleeps forever in an open casket, clutching his
cowbell. Dozens of Spinner's relatives are at the wake.
A bagpipe player plays "Amazing Grace." Sheldon stands
at the casket, fighting back tears as he stares down at
his old friend. Nora has her arm around him.
It's my fault. He'd still be
alive if it wasn't for me. He
would have been so proud to be in
the ice show.
There was nothing you could have
done. Don't torture yourself.
I'm sorry, Spinner. I'm so sorry.
Tommy and the boys walk over. Tommy puts his arm around
Sheldon as he gazes somberly at Spinner.
He really loved you, Shel. And
this I guarantee -- that fucking
Randolph has seen his last
rainbow. We're gonna find him,
cut off his balls, and shove 'em
up his ass.
Maybe you better leave it to the
They won't do the ball thing.
It's against procedure.
Don't forget -- that hit was meant
for you, Shel. So from now on,
everywhere you go, we go.
That's okay, Tommy. I'll be fine.
Fine, nothin'. And as Christ is
my witness, no one's touchin' a
hair on your fuckin' head.
Spinner would have wanted it that
Tommy's crew nods and agrees.
(to the boys)
Alright, boys, let's get shit-
faced. For Spin.
They head for the bar. Nora and Sheldon look down at
Spinner in silence.
Didn't Rickets the Hippo have a
song about death?
'The Last Nappy Time.' It gave me
a lot of comfort when my mother
'When doggies stop barking
And fish cease to swim
And Grandpa lays silent, from his
head to his limbs
Sadness will find you
But soon you'll feel fine...'
Sheldon joins in.
'In life we all have
Our Last Nappy Time.'
Sheldon looks at her. They embrace as BAGPIPE MUSIC
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT
The news zipper in Times Square glides through the night
air: "MANHUNT UNDERWAY FOR RAINBOW RANDOLPH... SUSPECTED
IN BOXER'S MURDER... SEEN OUTSIDE BUILDING SHORTLY BEFORE
SHOOTING, DRENCHED IN GASOLINE AND ACTING PECULIAR..."
We CRANE DOWN FROM the zipper ONTO the sidewalk.
Randolph is talking on a pay phone. We hear Angelo on
the other end.
I didn't do it! I know you're
still mad at me, but you gotta
The papers say you were the
Mastermind? I can barely figure
out how to unzip my pants these
days. Just taking a piss is a
I believe you, Randy. But you
can't come back to my place.
They'll find you. You gotta go
EXT. LIBERTY FLOUR AND BISCUIT FACTORY - NIGHT
We are outside the long-abandoned Liberty Biscuit and
Flour factory. The Liberty sign with its Statue of
Liberty logo is eroded and partially missing.
INT. LIBERTY BISCUIT AND FLOUR FACTORY - CONTINUOUS
Inside the massive dormant factory, rats scurry around
and pigeons occasionally fly from window sill to window
sill. A makeshift living area has been set up in the
middle of it all -- a chair, lamp, small table, hot
plate, etc. Randolph lays on the dilapidated conveyor
belt, huddled under a blanket.
Angelo enters the factory through a rusty door, carrying
It's heatin' up out there. Every
cop in New York is looking for
you. And Tommy Cotter's boys are
combin' the streets. You're gonna
have to stay put for a while.
Randolph sits up on the conveyor belt, blanket draped
over his shoulders. He's a physical and emotional wreck.
I was an altar boy once. Did you
know that? I wanted to be a
priest. Do you believe in angels,
There was a little angel in
pigtails. She was the only one
who cared about me. She saved my
Angelo hops up on the conveyor belt to console Randolph.
Randolph rests his head on Angelo's shoulder.
You didn't want to kill yourself,
Randy. You know that.
Perhaps it's time to heal. To
accept the fact that Smoochy has
won and gracefully march forward.
True, I'm currently wanted for a
murder I didn't commit. But I
have faith. Faith that justice
Now you're talkin', kid. This is
a big step... I'm proud of you.
He strokes Randolph's head.
Did you bring lunch?
Chicken and stars?
Just like you asked for.
Can I have some, please?
For a smile.
Randolph sniffs and manages a small pitiful smile.
Angelo musses his hair.
Angelo lifts one of the grocery bags onto the conveyor
Here, I got you some crossword
puzzles and stuff to read.
Angelo hops off the conveyor belt and turns on the hot
plate. He starts to open a can of soup. Randolph
reaches into the bag and pulls out a copy of the New York
Post. The lead article's headline reads, "WAKE FOR
SPINNER." A large photograph shows mourners leaving the
restaurant after the wake. Clearly visible are Sheldon
and Nora. They have their arms around each other.
Randolph's eyes widen. He starts to hyperventilate.
Angelo looks up.
You okay? Randy?
Finally, Randolph expels a blood-curdling scream that
ECHOES through the factory.
Angelo drops the soup. Birds in the factory flutter from
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ICE RINK
Sheldon and the Rhinettes work on some choreography for
that night's show. Nora watches from the sidelines. As
Sheldon skates on the ice rink, Merv enters with Roy and
Danny. Sheldon skates over to them. Nora walks over,
Big news, Shel.
It wasn't Smiley who killed
Spinner. It was Parade of Hope.
Are you sure? The cops have tons
of evidence on Randolph.
We did our own investigation.
Cousin Ian from down at the
morgue... you met him at the
FLASHBACK - INT. SPINNER DUNN'S - DAY
Tommy is at the bar listening intently to a man, IAN,
who is pointing to certain details on a photograph.
See the neck? Snapped like a
twig. Animals... Parade of Hope's
calling card. When they do a guy,
they like to sign the tab.
What's that guy's name over there?
Yeah, Merv Green.
This was one time they shoulda
left the tab blank.
INT. ICE RINK (PRESENT)
I knew Merv Green was a scumbag
from the day he grabbed my ass at
a 'Feed the Children' benefit.
Well, God help those guys now.
They're gonna get a first-class
ride through the criminal justice
system, and I'm buying the
It's all taken care of, Shel.
What does that mean?
FLASHBACK - INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
A bloodied Merv Green is tied to a chair in the middle
of the warehouse as he begs Tommy for his life. Merv's
two henchmen lay dead nearby. Roy, Jimmy and Sammy --
Tommy's guys -- stand behind her.
It was a mistake! An honest
mistake! All I'm trying to do is
You like kids, huh?
Yes! Of course!
So you must know a few fairy
tales. Danny, tell him the one
about the worthless prick who gets
his head chopped off.
Danny, holding a hatchet, advances toward Merv. Tommy
casually walks away. We STAY WITH Tommy. Merv is NO
LONGER IN FRAME.
No... no... no!
We hear the sound of the HATCHET HITTING its target.
Merv's pleading stops.
Now you know why charities go
INT. ICE RINK (PRESENT)
Do we really need to hear this?
I don't want to hear this.
A clean cut.
Okay, got it.
And then we took his head and --
Thank you! Specifics about his
head are superfluous at this
INT. STOKES' OFFICE - EVENING
Nora is alone in Stokes' office, rearranging cards on
the giant cork board that displays the network schedule.
She is startled to hear a deep voice behind her.
Where is he?
She turns around. Chick, Tobi, and Sambo are standing
there. Chick walks over to the cork board. He scans a
row of cards that all read "Smoochy."
Can I help you with something?
Yeah, honey, you can help us
He rips a Smoochy index card from the board, walks over
to her and waves it in her face.
You tell that boss of yours he
better take care of the rhino
problem. In my culture we honor
deals or invite consequences.
I don't know what you're talking
about and your cologne's making
me nauseous. Other than that,
you're great company.
Chick looks at his boys and chuckles.
Spicy little thing, isn't she?
He suddenly pulls out a switchblade and holds it to
Takashi gets that time slot. You
hear me, girly? Tell that boss of
yours we'll kill everyone at this
fucking network if we have to.
Starting with the pretty ones.
He removes the knife from her throat and hurls it toward
the bulletin board. It lands -- sticking right in the
middle of a Smoochy card.
Auf Wiedersehen, honey.
INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE - NIGHT
Nora is pacing. Sheldon sits by the fire.
It's Stokes. He's behind the
whole thing! He cut some kind of
deal for the Smoochy slot!
What are you talking about?
He wants you out so he can put
Jesus, Sheldon! Don't you ever
pick up a copy of International
Performer? He's the hottest kid
show host from Asia.
Sheldon's head is swimming. Suddenly the front door to
to the penthouse bursts open. Randolph, dressed like
he's about to do his old show, stumbles in waving a gun.
Ah! How very cozy. Like two logs
in a little bonfire. All we need
is a few sticks and some wienies.
He almost trips as he stumbles over to Sheldon. He
waves the gun in his face.
I had her before you! Pachyderm!
I was in love with her! In love!
And you snatched her away! Like
a common thief! You're the bad
guy! Not me! He's the bad guy,
Nora. He's incapable of
understanding the love we once
had! Tender, yet passionate.
Old-fashioned, yet experimental.
Tell him about a few of our
experiments, Nora! Tell him!
Sheldon looks stunned. Nora hangs her head.
Is this true? Please tell me it's
just the confused ramblings of a
She looks at him, but doesn't say anything.
Holy mother of Toledo. When
exactly were you planning to let
me know about this?!
(turns to Sheldon)
Listen, there was a time -- and
I'm not proud of this -- but there
was a time when I was a bit of
a... kiddie-host groupie.
You're just another action figure
for her collection!
That's not fair!
Tell him about Jingle Jackson!
You dated Jingle Jackson?
The bells turned her on. Hey,
tell him about Jumbo Johnny!
There's a tale for ya! A whale
of a tale!
She looks down, somewhat ashamed. A look of utter shock
comes over Sheldon.
Oh good Lord in Heaven.
Look, what I did before I met you
is none of your business.
Shut up! Both of you! This is
He waves the gun threateningly as he backs up to an
armchair and sits down.
Do you fully understand the power
of a condemned man? Do you? I'm
already wanted for one murder, why
should I give a flaming horse's
twat if I commit two more?
I... uh... read once that the best
way to diffuse a tense situation
is with a little humor. To that
end, would you like to hear a
(rolling his eyes)
Oh, please. Go blow yourself,
(waves gun again)
Fix me a beverage, woman. Make me
one of those drinks that used to
make us all warm and fuzzy before
Fix it yourself, asshole.
(points to gun)
Remember, I have Mr. Boomy.
I'm telling you, you'd love this
joke. It revolves around Santa
Claus and the Easter Bunny getting
into a fender bender.
Nora rolls her eyes and goes to the bar.
You know, when I lived here I used
to have a big painting above the
fireplace. A naked chick holding
a pumpkin. It was very tasteful.
Look, Randolph. We know it
wasn't you who killed Spinner.
We'll go to the police, first
thing tomorrow... straighten
Oh! Goody-goody gumdrops!
Vodka straight up is fine, sugar
He grabs the bottle out of her hand. He rises from the
chair. He takes a CD, "PARTY TIME WITH RAINBOW
RANDOLPH," from his pocket and puts it into an
audio system on the fireplace wall.
Did you put on a little weight,
honey? That's okay, you're still
a hot little brood mare. I bet
you miss the sweet sting of my
riding crop. Giddy up, pony!
The THEME SONG from his show starts to PLAY. He flicks
a switch and a spotlight goes on. He sings and dances.
(to tune of
'Rainbow Randolph is the man.
Yes he, yes he, is.
He's the Prez of Rainbowland.
Yes he, yes he, is.
With some fun, fun here, and a
laugh, laugh there.
Here a dance, there a song,
Everything is fun, fun.
Rainbow Randolph is the King, the
King of Rainbowland!'
Randolph takes another drink from the vodka bottle.
Sheldon suddenly lunges at Randolph and tries to grab
the gun. Randolph shrieks. The two men wrestle on the
floor, but Randolph is not much of a fighter. He
screams as Sheldon rolls him toward the fireplace.
Is this what you want? A Hansel
and Gretel ending?! You want to
be the big bad wolf?
Stop! It's too hot! The heat!
It's driving me mad!
Randolph rolls Sheldon to the bottom. Nora reaches for a
fireplace poker and whacks Randolph with it. Randolph
cries out and drops the gun. Sheldon grabs it and points
it at Randolph who lies on the floor, blubbering like a
child. He's bleeding.
Go ahead, kill me! Finish me off.
My life's over anyway. Everything
I touch turns to shit. Put me out
of my misery.
Sheldon slowly takes the gun away from Randolph's head.
You're not nothing. You're
bitter, misguided and I'm guessing
a raging alcoholic, but you're
still Rainbow Randolph. Despite
everything that's happened, you
once made children happy.
Randolph sits up and looks at Sheldon through watery
Would you be my friend?
Sorry about the brood mare stuff.
Randolph throws his arms around Sheldon and cries into
his shoulder. Sheldon pats his back. He glances down at
Randolph's gun and sees that it's a toy.
Nora pours vodka onto a small pillow she's taken from
one of the chairs. She kneels next to Randolph and blots
the gash on his head with the vodka soaked pillow.
Randolph lets out a blood curdling scream.
INT. SHELDON'S FOYER - TIGHT ON REVOLVER - SHORT WHILE
Sheldon loads his gun as Randolph is curled up on the
couch like a little puppy. Nora hands him a cup of tea.
(a pitiful child)
She walks over to Sheldon.
What are you doing?
Sheldon continues to load the gun.
Just making the playing field
even. I'm tired of running this
race with one leg.
You're letting them drag you down
to their level.
She's right, Sheldon. Don't make
the same mistakes I did. Keep
your dignity intact.
He accidentally spills some hot tea on himself.
I appreciate everyone's concern,
but I can take care of myself.
Nora and Randolph look at each other.
(mouthing to Nora)
Sheldon stuffs some extra bullets in his pocket.
Okay, buddy, we have to get down
to the Garden. You're welcome to
stay here as long as you like.
Just don't leave until I get
things squared away.
Randolph gets up and walks over to him.
Be careful, Sheldon. Remember
what I told you -- you've only
scratched the surface of this
scummy business. You have yet to
Randolph looks at him for a moment before turning to
You're lucky to have a guy like
You just rest, Randolph.
He's the real thing. Smoochy's the
real thing. And I've been a fraud.
A wicked man doing wicked acts.
Sheldon slaps the cylinder into place and tucks the gun
in his waistband.
Well, we all have our bad days.
INT. HAWAII KAI - LATER THAT EVENING
A hula dancer performs on a tiny stage in the nightclub.
A small Hawaiian string band plays behind her. Burke
and a nervous-looking Stokes sit in a booth.
Things are getting out of hand.
We have to cover our tracks.
Relax, everything's gonna work
Relax? They found Merv Green's
head on the Grand Concourse!
Excuse my concern.
Look, we can cover all the tracks
we want, but in the end we still
got the same problem. We gotta
finish what we started.
God help us...
Stokes shakily takes a sip of his drink.
It'll all be over tonight.
Buggy's gonna take care of
Buggy? Buggy Ding-Dong? The guy
who hosted 'Buggy's Bumpy
Yeah, until he discovered the joys
of Turkish black mule heroin. For
the right price he'll do anything.
It's amazing the guy's still alive.
Stokes buries his head in his hands.
I don't know, Burke... this whole
A shadow falls across their table. Burke looks up.
Speak of the devil. Have a seat,
Buggy Ding-Dong's hand ENTERS the FRAME and snubs out his
Camel. Stokes looks up.
Buggy. You're looking good.
ANGLE ON BUGGY
A man who looks like he would first kill you then eat you
for dinner, slides into the booth next to Stokes.
It's time we put this thing to
rest, Frank. And the way I see
it... the rhino's up past his
Burke hands a folded envelope to Buggy who puts it into
his jacket pocket. He lights another Camel.
EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - AERIAL SHOT - EVENING
"SMOOCH ON ICE -- SOLD OUT!" flashes on the electronic
EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS
Men, women and children flood in through the turnstiles.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Ushers, costumed as Rhinettes, help people to their
seats. People mull about the concession stands which
are adorned with signs that read: "Complimentary Apple
Slices!" "Have a Salt-Free Pretzel!" "Enjoy a Soy Dog
on Smoochy!" "Fresh Squeezed O.J. -- Have a Glass!"
"Sugar Free Brownies -- They're Not as Bad as they
Sound!" "Free! Everything is Free!" "Keep Your
Wallet in Your Pocket!" "Friendship is More Important
INT. ANGELO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Angelo's place looks like a cyclone hit it. Angelo
works free from the ropes that have bound his wrists.
He has been hit over the head and is groggy as he
reaches for the phone.
INT. SHELDON'S PENTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
A freshly showered Randolph is wearing Sheldon's robe and
has a pink towel wrapped around his head as he lounges on
the living room sofa. He's eating grapes and reading
National Geographic. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up.
We GO TO a SPLIT-SCREEN with Angelo.
Randy, is that you?
Yes, Angelo, my little Twinkie,
shouldn't you be getting ready for
the big show?
Listen, Buggy's been here.
Buggy Double D's? The Dong Man?
Yeah, he lifted my backstage pass
and he's braggin' that he's
doing some kind of job for Burke
Randolph thinks. He suddenly looks very worried.
Sheldon's in trouble. I gotta get
down to the Garden.
The place is crawling with cops.
They'll jump on you like a
I don't care.
He rips the towel from his head.
I have to warn the rhino.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - BASEMENT
Buggy, in his ill-fitting Rhinette costume, emerges from
the sub-basement carrying a thin suitcase. As far as
anyone's concerned, he's just another usher. He heads
for the stairwell.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Every seat in the arena is occupied. The lights are
lowered. A slow rolling TYMPANY is heard. After a
moment, the Rhinettes skate out to enthusiastic applause.
Sheldon, looking very intense, stands alone in the wings.
He takes a couple of deep breaths. We TILT DOWN and see
the bulge of the revolver under his Smoochy costume.
The Rhinettes have formed a line across the middle of the
And now... it gives us great
pleasure to introduce America's
favorite rhino... ladies and
gentlemen... boys and girls...
Smoochy skates out to thunderous applause. The entire
arena is on its feet. The Rhinettes part as Smoochy
skates through them and stops in the middle of the rink.
The applause and cheering don't stop for several moments.
One of the Rhinettes hands Smoochy a microphone.
On behalf of myself, the
Rhinettes, and the soon to be
restored Coney Island Methadone
Center, I thank you all for
Burke and Stokes roll their eyes.
BACK ON SHELDON
It was my original intention that
tonight's performance would be a
benign mix of Smoochy songs and
ice dancing. But as an artist, I
believe I must convey to you, my
fans, what I'm feeling at any
given moment in my life. To do
otherwise would be dishonest. Art
is communication. It's something
we learn and hopefully grow from.
With that in mind... I hope you
enjoy the show.
More applause as Smoochy skates over to the Rhinettes.
They form a circle around him and slap hands in
This is for Spinner.
The lights go down. A full orchestra begins to play the
overture to WAGNER's Tristen et Isolde. The lights come
up as a soprano -- a heavyset woman in a modified rhino
costume -- skates out through the fog and begins singing
the opera. Smoochy -- now wearing a peasant's frock --
skates an interpretive dance in the b.g. with a few
Rhinettes who are also dressed as peasants. A beautiful
fairy princess floats down (on filament wire) from the
rafters and takes Smoochy's hand. She skates away with
him as he waves good-bye to the Rhinettes.
LOOKING DOWN AT the opera. The CAMERA PANS OVER TO the
catwalk high above the rink.
Buggy Ding-Dong, still in his Rhinette costume, settles
into his assassin's roost. He begins to assemble the
rifle and check the scope.
EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - FEW MINUTES LATER
Randolph emerges from a cab and runs through the crowd
outside the Garden. A few people recognize him.
It's Rainbow Randolph! Someone
Randolph finds a side exit and slips into the arena.
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - FEW MINUTES LATER
The "Opera on Ice" continues. The soprano continues
singing as Smoochy reenacts the incidents of his recent
life. The fairy princess brings Smoochy to a room with a
gleaming white desk. Smoochy takes a seat behind the
desk. The fairy princess places a crown on his head,
bids him good-bye, and floats away. Smoochy sits proudly
in his new world.
Suddenly, Rhinettes dressed as devils glide in and skate
in a circle around the desk. They throw money at Smoochy.
He jumps up and skates away, but the Rhinette devils
pursue him with daggers. The music from the orchestra
intensifies as the drama plays out.
Nora continues to watch the opera, totally entranced.
Stokes and Burke look a little on edge. Burke glances at
Buggy finishes loading the rifle. He shines the barrel
with his sleeve and looks through the scope as Smoochy
and company continue to perform below.
POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE
Atmospheric fog created by the smoke machine is so thick
that Buggy has difficulty FINDING Sheldon THROUGH the
cross-hairs. Occasionally, Smoochy skates through a hole
in the clouds only to disappear again. BUGGY CURSES in
Randolph pushes his way past Garden security and runs
toward the rink. Several cops working the event spot
him. A few spectators scream in horror.
The soprano's mournful aria reaches its crescendo as
Smoochy is now pursued by Rhinettes dressed as Nazis.
They hold signs with words like "SCANDAL" and "SHAME."
Smoochy skates to a section of the rink resembling
Chinatown where he lands over a fallen "Moochy." He
cradles Moochy's head in his arms as the Nazis glide past
him and disappear into the fog.
Nora wipes a tear from her eye as she watches the tragedy
play out. Burke and Stokes glance skyward. Nora notices
Randolph reaches the rink as cops push their way toward
But Sheldon can't hear over the orchestra. The soprano
hits a high note.
Buggy aims the rifle.
POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE
Smoochy glides THROUGH the cross-hairs followed by a
TIGHT ON BUGGY'S FINGER
as he quickly squeezes off a SHOT.
The MUFFLED sound of GUNSHOT is absorbed by the intense
music. A wounded Rhinette falls to the ice, but no one
notices. Smoochy, oblivious, continues to skate toward
the "gates of heaven" with the angel Moochy. Giant white
gates slowly swing open at the rink's far end as floating
angels open their arms to welcome Moochy.
Randolph runs around the rink's perimeter, trying to get
Sheldon's attention. Cops and security push their way
towards Randolph. He suddenly notices the felled
Rhinette on the ice and looks skyward. He can make out
a rifle barrel protruding from the catwalk.
Stokes and Burke notice a commotion in the audience.
They now see Randolph running through the crowd on his
way to the stairwell.
(whispering to Burke)
What's he doing here?! He's going
to screw everything up!
Nora notices the distressed look on their faces and
follows their gaze to the rafters. She now sees the
ANGLE - NORA
jumps to her feet. FAST PUSH IN TO Nora's mouth.
She starts to climb out of the box but Burke stops her.
You're in on this, aren't you!
You sold him out! You fucking
Stokes tries to put his arm around her.
Nora, please. It's not what you
think. I'm grooming you. You're
going to run the division one
She pushes him. He goes down hard. She starts to climb
out of the box. Burke tries to grab her, but she spins
around and punches him. She runs for the rink.
Stokes stands in the box looking dumbstruck as pande-
monium plays out around him. People are running in all
directions, cops are everywhere.
(frightened; to Burke)
What now? What do we do now?!
Survival of the fittest!
Burke runs off through the panicked crowd. Stokes looks
around and heads off in the opposite direction.
Tommy and her boys notice the commotion in the audience.
They see cops pursuing someone. They realize it's
Randolph. Tommy, Jimmy and Sammy take off after him.
Buggy, in position again, looks through the rifle scope.
POV THROUGH RIFLE SCOPE
As the soprano reaches for an impossibly high note, the
fog dissipates slightly and Smoochy's foam rubber head
COMES perfectly INTO VIEW.
Sheldon!!! Get down!!!
CLOSE ON BUGGY'S FINGER
He's about to squeeze the trigger.
Randolph reaches the catwalk as the orchestra plays a
dramatic series of smashing notes. He tackles Buggy just
as he squeezes off the SHOT.
The top of Smoochy's foam rubber head is blown off. In
SLOW MOTION, Smoochy's tattered horn sails through the
air and lands softly on the ice.
Everyone in the arena screams and heads for the exits.
It's pandemonium. Thanks to Randolph, Buggy's shot was
too high and just missed Sheldon's skull.
A confused Sheldon bends over to pick up a chunk of the
Nora, who's entered at the opposite end of the rink,
tries to reach him, but it's impossible. Panicked
audience members run across the rink, heading for the
exits. It's chaos. People slip, Rhinettes get trampled.
Randolph tries to get the rifle away from Buggy. They
struggle on a narrow beam high above the rink. The cops
have reached the outer edge of the catwalk now. Tommy
and the boys get there a second later. They all stand
back -- the catwalk is too unstable.
Give me that gun, you fucking
Buggy manages to shove Randolph off him. He raises the
RIFLE and SHOOTS at the cops. Randolph grabs him. Both
he and Buggy lose their footing and slip from the
catwalk. Randolph is able to grab onto the edge and hold
on. Buggy clutches Randolph's leg which threatens to
bring them both down. They dangle 80 feet above the
rink. Randolph desperately tries to hold onto the
catwalk as Buggy clings to Randolph's ankle.
CLOSE ON RANDOLPH'S FINGERS
His knuckles turn white as his fingers start to slip from
ANGLE ON BUGGY
Still clutching Randolph's ankle, he starts to lose his
grip. He desperately grabs Randolph's foot, but
Randolph's shoe slips off and Buggy begins his long
plunge to the next life.
INT. RINK - HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT
Buggy screams the whole way down, still holding onto
Buggy crashes into the middle of the rink, cob-webbing
the ice around him.
Tommy and his boys runs off to find Sheldon. The COPS
help Randolph off the catwalk. He's a nervous wreck.
I don't know. I'm kind of fucked
up in general, so it's hard to
They pat the dazed Randolph on the back. He passes out.
People continue to run through the rink. Felled
Rhinettes litter the ice like broken dolls. Smoke fills
the air. Sheldon is helping a random woman to her feet
as Nora finally reaches him. She embraces him.
Burke's with Stokes. He's been in
it all along.
Sheldon looks toward the network box. Beyond it, through
the smoke, he sees Burke shoving his way through people
who jam the exit trying to escape. Sheldon reaches into
his costume and pulls out his gun.
No, Sheldon, don't!
Sheldon runs off leaving Nora.
Burke is almost through the cluster of people. He
glances over his shoulder and sees Sheldon heading
toward him. He shoves even harder now and finally
EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Burke makes a run for it down 33rd Street. A moment
later, Sheldon emerges from the building. He sees Burke
in the distance and takes off after him. He's still in
his skates and wearing the partially-blown-off Smoochy
FURTHER DOWN STREET
Burke looks behind and sees the nightmarish image of a
disfigured Smoochy chasing after him. He quickly rounds
A few moments later Sheldon rounds the corner. He looks
down the street and sees no sign of Burke. He notices an
alley by an abandoned building.
EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Sheldon walks slowly into the alley, gun drawn.
Suddenly, Burke jumps out from behind some boxes. He
whacks Sheldon's head with a garbage can lid. The gun
goes flying. Burke goes for it, but Sheldon is quickly
on his feet and pounces on him. The two men fight it
out. Burke manages to get on top of Sheldon and starts
to strangle him.
You fucking point a gun at me? A
gun I gave you as a gift?! Where's
your fucking etiquette?
Just as Sheldon begins to lose consciousness, we hear a
GUNSHOT. Burke looks up. Nora stands there, pointing
Sheldon's gun directly at him.
Let him go.
Burke just looks at her.
Now. Before I pump one in that
Grecian Formula scalp of yours.
Burke smirks as he releases Sheldon. Sheldon jumps up
and takes the gun from Nora. He shakily points it at
You know something, kid? You've
turned out to be an incredible
pain in the ass.
Burke slowly stands up, brushing off his suit.
You were behind the Spinner hit,
That was a tragic mistake.
(shakes head sadly)
If only one could turn back time...
But what the hell, it's just one
less mick in the world.
Sheldon cocks the gun.
Oh my. What are you gonna do?
Kill me? That wouldn't be very
You're right. There's just one
Sheldon tears off the remains of his tattered costume and
steps out of it.
I'm not Smoochy.
Sheldon is shaking as he extends the gun to Burke's head.
I finally realized we're living in
a different jungle.
Burke suddenly looks fearful, as does Nora.
Sheldon closes his eyes as he tries to summon up the
courage to pull the trigger.
Suddenly, there's a voice from behind.
Don't do it, Shel.
Sheldon turns around. It's Tommy and her boys.
Stay out of it, Tommy. This is my
Tommy walks closer to Sheldon.
No more killin', Shel. Enough's
enough. Don't destroy who you are
for this piece of shit. You mean
something to the kids. Don't take
Smoochy away from the kids.
Tommy extends her hand for the gun. Sheldon looks down
at the gun. He can't believe he's even holding it. He
hands it to Tommy.
I don't know how I got pushed this
You're only human, Shel. The
important thing is... you never
went over the cliff. You're a
good boy. For some of us... it's
Tommy pats Sheldon's shoulder affectionately.
We'll take it from here, kid, you
run along with your girl. Get on
with your life.
Sheldon looks over at Burke, who's petrified.
Tommy, you're not going to --
Don't worry. Sometimes even a
rat deserves a little mercy.
Sheldon and Nora take a final look at Burke before
walking out of the alley. Burke is wide-eyed with fear
as Tommy's boys advance on him. Just as they round the
corner there is the sound of TWO GUNSHOTS. Sheldon looks
She pats him on the back.
EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Stokes finally makes it out of the arena. He runs toward
his waiting limo and hops in the back seat. He barks to
his driver through the glass partition.
Get out of here!
The car doesn't move. Stokes pounds on the partition.
Move this thing!
No response. Stokes frantically pushes the button that
lowers the partition. It slides down.
Are you deaf?! I said --
The driver turns around. Stokes recoils in horror. It's
Takashi. He smiles as the back doors open and the
Japanese thugs -- Chick, Sambo and Tobi -- pile in with
Stokes. They slam the doors shut.
I wish I could tell you it'll be
quick and painless, Frank, but you
know how these things go...
Stokes lets out a small whimper. Chick nods to Takashi
who steps on the gas as he sings "Anything Goes" in
EXT. TH AVENUE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
The car heads into the night, passing Sheldon and Nora,
who have exited the alley. This will be Frank Stokes'
final limo ride.
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION
Sheldon and Nora pause on the street. Sheldon looks
You know, a little grime here and
there doesn't change the fact...
it's still a beautiful city.
He looks at Nora.
Let's go home, Smoochy. Show's
Sheldon gazes back at her.
No it's not. It's just beginning.
They kiss passionately as MUSIC SWELLS and the CAMERA
CRANES HIGH ABOVE the rink.
FADE UP ON:
INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - ONE YEAR LATER
SUPERIMPOSE: ONE YEAR LATER
The Garden is sold out. The lights go down. Through the
P.A. we hear...
And now... it gives us great
pleasure to introduce America's
favorite rhino... ladies and
gentlemen... boys and girls...
There's a dramatic pause; TYMPANY ROLL.
Smoochy skates out to thunderous applause.
With his partner and comrade...
the one, the only... Rainbow
Randolph skates out, somewhat shakily, to huge applause.
Sheldon puts his arm around him. The audience is now on
their feet. Randolph especially basks in the adulation.
All proceeds from tonight's
performance, will benefit the
Rainbow Randolph Center for
Alcoholism and Delusional
Sheldon pats Randolph on the back. MUSIC BEGINS as
Rhinettes and Krinkle Kids skate out. The show starts
and the audience goes wild. Nora smiles from the stands
as Smoochy and the others glide across the ice. (SMOOCHY
/RANDOLPH DUET TO COME.)
Death to Smoochy
Writers : Marty Kaplan
Genres : Comedy Crime