FUNNY PEOPLE
Written by
Judd Apatow
April 29, 2008
INT. BEL AIR HOME - NIGHT
GEORGE SIMMONS, 42, sits in a giant living room watching bad
television on a 70-inch flat screen TV. He looks bored and
empty. After a few beats he pauses the TV, and picks up the
phone.
GEORGE
(on the phone)
Hey, it's George Simmons, I'm
coming in.
INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
Shots of George doing stand up on stage at a comedy club.
The place adores him. We see quick images of him after the
show interacting with people. He is clearly a very famous
comedian.
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
George has sex with a girl in her early twenties.
INT. BEL AIR HOME - NIGHT
George sits back down, the thrill of his performance is gone,
he is bored and alone again. He hits play on his TV and
begins watching his show from the same spot it was at before.
MUSIC UP:"WITH A LITTLE LUCK" - PAUL MCCARTNEY
BEGIN CREDIT SEQUENCE
INT. BEL AIR HOME - BEDROOM - DAY
GEORGE wakes up in a large, clean, modern house. He is all
alone. We get the feeling that he hired someone to decorate
his house. It is very nice, but doesn't seem personal to him
at all. It feels new, with all the gadgets, but a little
cold. On the kitchen table is a stack of scripts he is
supposed to read.
EXT. GEORGE'S HOME - MORNING
George hits balls in his home batting cage. Then we see him
driving golf balls inside there. In the background we see
his modern, space ship looking house. It is enormous.
2.
INT. BATHROOM - LATER
George walks into a fancy, steam-filled shower.
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
George drives his large black Mercedes.
EXT. MEDICAL TOWER - DAY
George gets out of his car and walks towards the tower. Two
COLLEGE STUDENTS walk over.
COLLEGE STUDENT
Hey George, can I get a picture
with you?
GEORGE
Sure buddy. Let's do it.
One of the college students put his arm around George while
the other takes the picture.
COLLEGE STUDENT #2
Can I get one?
GEORGE
Yeah bud.
They take the picture.
COLLEGE STUDENT
You're the man. We love all your
movies, even the last one.
GEORGE
Thanks. Tell your friends.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
George sits in the doctor's office staring at the photos of
the doctor with his beautiful young children. DOCTOR STEVENS
enters and sits down. He takes a deep breath.
GEORGE
I like those lunestas. They really
put me to sleep without giving me
the sleeping pill hangover I get
from the restorils.
(MORE)
3.
GEORGE (COIN ' D )
(BEAT)
I try not to take them too often.
Just when I know I have to get up
early.
DOCTOR STEVENS
George there are some
irregularities in your blood
work...
George's face turns white. He knows what this means. The
doctor keeps talking but the sound keeps coming in and out--
it is now all a jumble of words.
ANGLE ON GEORGE'S POV
We see photos of the doctor's family, his graduation
certificates, files of other cases, odd doctor's office art,
a picture of him skiing with his family. He keeps talking,
but now we hear nothing.
MUSIC UP - "MY SHIT's FUCKED UP" BY WARREN ZEVON
EXT. MEDICAL TOWER - MOMENTS LATER
George walks down the stairs towards the parking lot in a
daze. An ASIAN GIRL and her MOTHER and BROTHER see him and
start screaming.
GIRL
Oh my God. Can you take a picture
with me?
GEORGE
Yeah, sure.
She puts her arm around him. Her little brother jumps in
too.
GIRL
Thanks. You are the funniest.
GEORGE
Thanks, pal.
!NT. CAR - DAY
George drives home. We hear the voice of his doctor in his
head.
4.
DOCTOR STEVENS (V.0.)
It's a rare blood disorder. In the
family of Hodgkins disease. We
really don't have a treatment for
it. There are things we can try.
They're all very experimental in
nature.
GEORGE (V.0.)
I don't understand what this means.
DOCTOR STEVENS (V.0.)
I think you need to hope for the
best and prepare for the worst. Is
there someone who can help you get
your affairs in order?
INT. RALPH'S SUPERMARKET - DAY
IRA, a 25-year-old, works at the deli counter, along with
CHUCK, a large, sweet-looking 45-year-old deli counter lifer,
and GAIL, a very skinny, very old, straight-talking,
humorless woman in her fifties.
Ira is in the middle of a very long conversation with a
middle-aged WOMAN.
WOMAN
Is the turkey organic?
IRA
Yes, ma'am.
WOMAN
Well what does organic mean?
IRA
It means there's no additives or
preservatives and it's hormone
free.
WOMAN
Are there additives or
preservatives in the food they feed
the turkey?
IRA
I don't know ma'am.
5.
WOMAN
I heard that because turkeys are
fatty birds, mercury gets stuck in
their fat. My daughter-in-law, she
ate turkey and then she had a
miscarriage.
IRA
I haven't heard about that. But I
may not be informed enough to
comment.
WOMAN
Well, you're not a doctor, so you
shouldn't comment.
IRA
You are correct, I am not a doctor.
INT. DELI COUNTER - LATER
Ira and Chuck are preparing trays of food.
IRA
You should come see me do stand-up
tonight at the Comedy and Magic
Club.
CHUCK
I can't go through that again, man,
that was painful.
IRA
That was five months ago. I've
gotten a lot better.
CHUCK
They pay you yet?
IRA
Nah, not there. I just hang out and
hope somebody doesn't show.
CHUCK
Wow, is there anyway for you to.be
lower in show business? I don't
know if you could even say you're
in show business. Why don't you
just fucking settle down and enjoy
this gig? This is a sweet
situation. The money's good,
you've got health insurance.
6.
IRA
Dude, I know you like it here but
if I have to work here another year
I would kill myself.
CHUCK
Really? In that case, when we bury
you does it have to be in some kind
of Jew cemetery? Next to Al Jolson
or some shit?
IRA
Just come. I need the support.
CHUCK
No way. I'm funnier than you. And
I'm not even that funny. I would go
if I was paying to see me.
IRA
I'll pay your cover charge.
CHUCK
Okay, well you better be good,
because I'm bringing a date.
IRA
Laughter's the ultimate lubricant.
INT. BEL AIR HOME - DUSK
An Otis Redding song is playing as George walks around his
house in a daze, not sure how to process this. He doesn't
call anybody. There's nobody in sight. We see images of him
thinking about the unthinkable and the life he's lead.
He sits in his office, surrounded by photos of himself at
difference ages. It builds to a sequence of him going
through stacks of old photos and watching videos of himself,
reviewing his life, trying to make sense of what it all
meant. We see clips of his good movies and his last bad
movie. On the wall is a poster of a buddy film which shows
him and another famous comedian.
ON-SCREEN -- home video of George at college. George is
hanging out with his friends. They are acting goofy, having
the time of their lives. George looks very young, skinny,
and carefree. Life has never been better. They play a
ridiculous drinking game and laugh uproariously.
7.
ANOTHER IMAGE - We see a very young George performing stand-
up on Late Night with David Letterman. He's so young and
naive, he seems like a completely different person.
ANGLE ON George watching silently. He has no idea what to
make of this journey of his.
END CREDIT SEQUENCE
INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - DAY
Ira sits with one of his roommates, LEO, who is also an
aspiring comedian. They sit across from each other, kicking
around joke ideas they have, trying to write new ones. We
see an entire pitch session play out.
Ira's joke pitches are all over the place. He clearly hasn't
figured out what his stage persona is yet.
IRA
I was thinking about doing
something about how I'm not good
looking and I'm not bad looking.
I'm just good looking enough that
if I had a good personality, it
could put me over the top. If that
was the case.
LEO
Yeah, something about how the
uglier you are, the better the
personality you need. And the
hotter you are, the stupider you
can be.
IRA
I had a joke once about how you
never see incredibly hot, blonde,
homeless women. Because someone
will always take care of that kind
of woman. That woman could be the
dumbest person on earth and she
will survive in this world.
LEO
Maybe something like... you can be
hot and stupid and survive in the
world. And you can be smart and
ugly and survive in the world. The
people who have trouble are the
stupid, ugly people.
8.
IRA
That could work.
LEO
Let me keep that one, because I
thought of most of it.
IRA
That's not cool. I came up with
the concept! What do you got?
Let's work on what you have.
LEO
I've got nothing in the notebook.
I got drunk last night. But I need
material, because I just got spots
at the Improv. Budd saw me and
approved me. I'm in.
IRA
How could they make you a regular?
I got turned down twice.
LEO
Sorry, man. They're only going to
let in one chubby, caustic Jew, so
I think you're fucked.
Their other roommate, MARK, walks in, waves a check at them.
MARK
Hey, dudes. You see this check
that I got from my TV show for
25,000 an episode? There was
another one of these on the kitchen
counter. Did you see it?
IRA
No we didn't see it. Just don't
leave those things laying around.
MARK
I wouldn't leave it around if they
didn't give me so many. They give
it to me every episode.
LEO
Don't throw it in our face that
you're on a shitty show.
9.
MARK
I wouldn't, if it was a shitty show
and not what Time magazine called
"insightful and delightful."
IRA
I thought you were moving out.
MARK
I decided I like it here. Living
with you guys keeps me grounded. I
don't want to be the guy living in
the house on the hill. Even though
I could afford it. Hey, I saw that
girl comic you like who lives
upstairs. I invited her in. She's
here.
IRA
She's in our apartment? I've never
even talked to her. I just gave
her quarters at the washing
machine.
MARK
You were right, she is pretty mousy
and sexy. You gotta talk to her.
IRA
I need time. I have a three-month
plan.
MARK
I'll give you ten days for your
three-month plan, then I am going
to fuck her. You can't just leave
that laying around. Starting right
now.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Mark is talking to DAISY, an alternative-feeling, dark-haired
girl in her early twenties. His television show is on the
TV.
MARK
The thing about working on a sitcom
is it's 22 weeks a year, so I can
do stand-up the rest of the year.
(MORE)
10.
MARK (CONT'D)
But now people want to see me
because they see me on a TV show,
so I am kind of a draw. Have you
seen the show?
DAISY
I don't own a TV.
MARK
Well I think you can download it to
an iPod.
Ira walks in.
MARK (CONT'D)
Hey Ira, this is Daisy.
DAISY
how's it going?
IRA
Nice to meet you. I think I gave
you quarters once.
Ira walks over to the kitchen area, takes out a paper cup.
He pours some orange juice without looking and the paper cup
falls over and spills all over the counter. Mark looks
horrified.
IRA (CONT'D)
(nervously joking)
Don't worry, I'll just lick it off
the counter.
Nobody laughs. Ira starts wiping up the OJ with a rag.
INT. COMEDY AND MAGIC CLUB - NIGHT
Leo is on stage, performing his act, doing well.
ANGLE ON Ira watching, both amused and jealous. A MAGICIAN
and the EMCEE walks over to him.
EMCEE
Schneider didn't show up so, you
can do ten minutes after Leo.
MAGICIAN
Don't go long because I have to
load pigeons into my suit. I have
to let them out or they'll die.
I'm not fucking around.
(MORE)
11.
MAGICIAN (CONT'D)
So when you get the light, don't go
long. You've got one minute.
ANGLE ON Leo on stage, doing a few more jokes. A MANAGER
walks over to Ira.
MANAGER
Hey man. George Simmons just got
here, he wants to go up. You're
bumped. We'll put you on after
George.
IRA
Well how long is he going to do?
MANAGER
I don't know. Last night he did
five minutes. Last week he did an
hour. fie'il do what he wants to do.
IRA
Well what about the magician? He
just loaded his pigeons. He said I
have to get off in ten minutes.
MANAGER
I'll have him unload the pigeons.
Just be ready.
Leo finishes his set to huge applause then comes off stage.
LEO
That was good, right? Some of the
new stuff worked.
IRA
I just got bumped by George
Simmons.
LEO
Are you serious? Shit - I've got a
spot at the Improv, I cant hang
out, damn.
ANGLE ON THE STAGE
EMCEE
A lot of times you hear about going
to a comedy club and someone
exciting shows up. I won't lie to
you, that usually never happens.
But tonight it is happening.
(MORE)
12.
EMCEE (CONT'D)
Ladies and gentleman, you know him
from [movie credits to go here]
George Simmons?
George walks on stage. The place goes crazy. He does some
of his normal routine and the audience laughs and is very
appreciative.
As George continues his act, it starts getting darker and
darker until he is talking about death and the lack of
meaning in it all.
GEORGE
Ah life. What does it mean?
sometimes life makes perfect sense.
And then you `come'.
ON IRA
IRA
He's killing the crowd. Jesus, I
can't follow this shit.
After completely losing the crowd, and some minor
confrontations with audience members, he exits the stage.
GEORGE
Life isn't all about laughs. Crazy
shit happens. You've got to be
nice to each other. You never know
what's going to happen.
Ira passes George as he heads onto the stage.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Sorry I sucked it up out there. At
least they are well rested for you.
Ira, takes the stage. He starts trying to do his act, but he
is unsure of himself and unable to figure out how to take the
weird energy of the room and spin it to his advantage. He
basically bombs. We reveal Chuck and his date watching,
looking miserable.
IRA
I'm not good looking. I'm not bad
looking. I'm just in the middle.
And if I had a personality that was
Jut good enough, it would put me
over the edge.
The joke fails. We reveal George also watching him bomb,
amused by his struggle. He sees something he likes in Ira.
13.
EXT. PARKING LOT
Ira walks to his car. In the spot next to him is an enormous
Suburban SUV parked in a spot meant for compact cars. It is
so close to Ira's car that it isn't possible to open the
door. He hears some banging and odd wails from in the car.
Ira knocks on the window. We see that George is sitting in
his car in a world of pain. He's clearly been crying. The
knock startles him. He turns to Ira.
IRA
Sorry, man. I didn't mean to
disturb you. I just can't open my
door. There's no room.
GEORGE
Oh I'm sorry. Let me pull out.
George pulls the car back ten feet.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
(calling to Ira)
Hey man, you had some funny shit
tonight.
IRA
Thanks!
GEORGE
Man, that audience hated you. They
really did not like you. They liked
your buddy, who looked exactly like
you but was funnier. Man, that's
going to haunt you. You're going
to wake up in six months and think
about this night.
IRA
Well, I'll probably bomb worse
tomorrow and forget about this one.
GEORGE
I'm just fucking with you. You had
some funny jokes in there. Good
writing.
IRA
Well, obviously, I'm a... you
know...I grew up on your shit, man.
George just stares at him.
14.
GEORGE
Alright, pal. Don't worry. Only
two hundred people saw that
tonight. I'll see you later.
George pulls out, turns the car around, and as he passes by
Ira, he steers his car as if he's going to run him down, and
starts screaming...
GEORGE (CONT'D)
You're gonna die!!! I'm gonna kill
you!
Then he smiles at Ira and drives off. Ira smiles. This is
the greatest thing that's ever happened to him.
INT. IRA'S APARTMENT - NEXT DAY
FULL SCREEN COMPUTER: We see a comedy short made by Leo.
It's very funny.
IRA
Holy shit, you got seven hundred
thousand hits in four days.
LEO
They put it on the main page at
YouTube and it exploded. Which
would be awesome if someone would
pay me.
The phone rings.
IRA
Hello?
GEORGE (V.0.)
Hey, is this Ira?
IRA
Yeah. Who is this?
GEORGE
It's George.
IRA
Oh my gosh. Hey, how is it going?
15.
GEORGE
I thought you and Leo were pretty
funny last night and I have to do
this corporate gig for Apple
computers in a couple of days and I
thought you guys could write me
some jokes.
IRA
Definitely. What kind of jokes?
Leo passes by in the background. We see Ira decide not to
include him in this job offer.
GEORGE
I don't know, about computers and
shit. I could mainly do my act but
they like it if you talk about them
a little.
IRA
No problem. Where do you want me
to send em?
GEORGE
What is your email? I will send
you my fax and email and all that.
IRA
It's a...irasexira®gmail.com.
GEORGE
(long silence)
I almost just changed my mind. You
got to change that.
IRA
Ok.
GEORGE
Today. Seriously. Ok. Later.
Ira hangs up and turns to his friends.
IRA
That was George Simmons. He wants
me to write jokes for him.
LEO
Holy shit. That is awesome. You
are so lucky.
16.
MARK
Are you gonna get to meet him?
IRA
I don't know, but he is gonna send
me his email address.
LEO
We are gonna have his email
address? I have to send him the
link to my short.
IRA
Easy. Let me get in there a little
more.
CUT TO:
INT. IRA'S ROOM - NIGHT
Ira is writing jokes. The camera follows the letters being
typed on the computer screen as he types.
"Always erase your web history. I had a girlfriend hit
history and see eleven hundred porn sites that I visited in
an hour."
Jonah sticks his head in.
LEO
I got one, but you have to tell him
its mine. The best thing about
Leopard is it lets you watch a
porno, write a porno, shoot a
porno, and order a porno all at the
same time. And you guys made that
possible.
We see QUICK IMAGES of him typing and printing. He is
writing an enormous amount of jokes. Way more than George
will ever need. Writing, typing, re-writing in pen, then re-
typing, etc.
Ira hesitates, then hits send.
INT. IRA'S BEDROOM
Ira is asleep. The clock says noon.
The phone rings. He answers it, groggy.
17.
GEORGE
There's some funny shit in here.
Not a bad ratio of good jokes to
shit.
IRA
Thanks man. I just want to give
you a lot of choices.
GEORGE
Too many choices. I don't like
reading that much. I need like ten
good jokes. I'm a little mad you
made me read that many to get to
ten. But thanks for doing it.
IRA
Oh, it was fun to try to write in
your voice. I spent the whole
night pretending I was you.
GEORGE
So you cried yourself to sleep?
(ALT)
So you whacked off three times last
night? Don't worry, I'll get you
some money. Is five hundred good?
IRA
Yeah! That'll work.
GEORGE
I'm leaving at four tomorrow to go
to the gig. You want to come check
it out, see if your shit works?
INT. IRA'S APARTMENT
CLOSE-UP on their curtains, as they wait for George to pull
up.
LEO
Can we go outside and meet him?
IRA
No you can't. Because then we look
like fans.
MARK
Maybe he's seen my show.
18.
IRA
He doesn't watch your show. You're
show is for eight-year-olds. It's
a family show, he doesn't watch
that shit.
LEO
I'll just go outside and pretend
I'-,n washing my car.
The Limo pulls up outside.
LEO (CONT'D)
Holy shit. I feel like my little
girl is going to the prom.
INT./EXT. LIMO - MOMENTS LATER
The door opens, Ira gets in.
GEORGE
How you doing, you ready for this?
IRA
Yeah, this'll be fun.
GEORGE
I think I'm going to have you go on
before me to warn them up.
IRA
You don't have to do that. What if
I bomb?
GEORGE
Hey, if you bomb, they'll just be
more excited to see me. They'll be
so glad your not on stage any more.
Then if you do well, they'll be
ready for me. Either way, you're
helpful.
I/E PRIVATE JET - LATER
The limo pulls up to a private jet. Ira is shocked.
A moment later they're picking up speed to take off. George
seems really relaxed. Nothing registers that the jet is
going faster and faster and taking off.
19.
As they're having a conversation, Ira seems really freaked
out. Ira pretends he isn't.
GEORGE
I like this joke about watching
porn and making porn all at the
same time. That was a good one.
IRA
(turning white from
TAKEOFF)
Oh good. Yeah, I thought you'd
like that one. I was really happy
with that one.
GEORGE
You want something to eat? I had
them bring Chinese on the plane.
Ira's eyes widen. He likes this way of life.
INT. BALLROOM - LATER
DAVE from Apple is walking George and Ira into the room.
It's a giant room that holds a thousand people at banquet
tables.
ON STAGE - Sting is finishing up a set. This is a huge
corporate event.
DAVE
Okay, what do you want them to say
when he introduces you? Do you
have any credits he should mention?
IRA
(long beat)
Uh...credits? I don't really have
any credits. Maybe you could just
say I've been working on Apples for
so long, my first one weighed more
than I did.
Nobody laughs.
GEORGE
And just say he's a friend of mine,
and I think he's funny.
20.
INT. STAGE - LATER
Ira's on stage doing his act. He tells two jokes that don't
do very well. And then he panics and does the joke about
jerking off and shooting a movie all at the same time.
ANGLE ON George, shaking his head, amused that he panicked
and did one of the jokes he sold to him.
CUT TO the wings of the stage.
Ira's walking off stage.
GEORGE
What the fuck is that? You did
three of the jokes that you wrote
for me.
IRA
I panicked. They just wanted jokes
about computers.
GEORGE
That's why I hired you, to write
jokes about computers.
Ira takes out the long list of jokes he's written.
IRA
But there's a lot more. The first
three on this page. You didn't
think they would work, but I think
they will. You should just try
them.
GEORGE
They better kill, I'm getting paid
a hundred thousand dollars for
this.
IRA
Are you serious?
ANGLE ON DAVE on stage.
DAVE
Ladies and gentleman, George
Simmons.
George does a few Apple jokes that do kill, and then he
segues into his normal act. When he wants to be, he is a
great performer.
21.
INT. PLANE - LATER
George and Ira sit on the plane, on the way back.
GEORGE
We'll be on the ground in a half
hour. Want to go to a bar? Do
something fun?
IRA
Sure. I like fun.
GEORGE
Here's a grand for the jokes and
the gig. Even though you should be
paying me after that.
Ira's eyes widen.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Good job.
IRA
That's the most money I've ever
made doing anything in comedy.
GEORGE
Then this is an exciting moment.
IRA
Well, I didn't make a hundred grand
like you.
GEORGE
I feel nothing. I remember when a
grand was the most exciting thing
in the world. I'd go to Red
Lobster and go nuts. Now it's just
numbers in a bank account. Enjoy
tonight. You made a thousand
bucks.
MUSIC UP
INT. BAR - NIGHT
George and Ira enter. People are very excited to see George.
They give him a nice table.
-- George and Ira talk to two women, MANDY and DAWN. They
both seem really into George. Ira feels kind of left out.
22.
-- George focuses on Mandy, flirting and preparing her to go
home with him.
-- The other girl is now talking to a very uncomfortable Ira.
She is not into it.
GEORGE
Hey, let's all go back to my house.
MANDY
Great!
IRA
(HOPEFUL)
Yeah, that sounds like a... nice
idea.
INT. LIVING ROOM
Music is playing. Everybody is drinking. Mandy is doing
some weird sort of sexy dance for George.
MANDY
This house is so big. It's bigger
than the college I went to.
GEORGE
Oh there's a whole other wing that
you wouldn't even know existed
unless you went through this door.
MANDY
I want to see, I want to see.
George and Mandy disappear. Ira and Dawn are left alone.
IRA
You are very pretty.
DAWN
I have a boyfriend. Nothing is
going to happen.
IRA
I didn't say anything was going to
happen. I just said you were
pretty. How do you even know I
wanted something to happen?
DAWN
I hope she doesn't take a long
time.
23.
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
George is having sex with Mandy.
MANDY
I can't believe I'm having sex with
Davey!
GEORGE
He can't believe he's having sex
with you.
INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Ira and Dawn are watching one of George's films. Neither
looks very happy or comfortable. George enters.
GEORGE
Hey, Mandy thought you left, so she
left.
DAWN
Really?
GEORGE
Sorry, that kind of stuff happens
when you have a big house.
DAWN
Oh, well then I guess I better get
going?
GEORGE
You don't have to go. I'm just
saying that she left. I think she
left her purse in the other wing.
Come with me, let's go get it.
Ira watches this, astonished.
GEORGE (CONT' D )
Did Ira tell you I have a room with
all the classic pinball machines
and video games?
DAWN
That sounds awesome.
GEORGE
Yeah, I got Galaga. Let's go check
it out.
24.
George looks over his shoulder at Ira, as if to say, "A man's
gotta do what a man's gotta do."
GEORGE (CONT'D)
(to Ira)
Hey don't go, I'll be back in a
second.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Ira is now watching the end of the movie by himself. George
sticks his head in.
GEORGE
That girl left. You want to talk
to me while I try to go to sleep.
Ira doesn't know what to make of this.
IRA
I guess so.
INT. BEDROOM - LATER
George is in bed under the covers, comfortably laying on his
pillow. Ira sits in an easy chair located right next to the
bed.
IRA
Did you have sex with both of those
girls?
GEORGE
I'm afraid I did. I'm sorry. It
was just so clear that you were not
going to get it done. I figured
you wouldn't mind.
IRA
That is crazy. That is super
crazy.
GEORGE
It was great. It was crazy great.
IRA
How can that even happen? I guess
I understand the first one, but why
would the second one do it? You
probably stink of the first girl.
25.
GEORGE
Well, we took a steam shower
together.
IRA
What?
GEORGE
she had never seen a steam shower
before, I told her she should enjoy
it.
IRA
She wouldn't fool around with me
because she said she had a
boyfriend.
GEORGE
She told me that too, but she says
I was on her and her boyfriend's
list of people she was allowed to
screw. You'd be surprised how many
women have me on that list.
IRA
I should get going.
GEORGE
Just talk to me before I fall
asleep. I'm weird. I don't like
being alone. You should crash in
one of the rooms. You're too drunk
to drive home. I won't try to fuck
you, I just fucked two women and
I'm kind of done.
IRA
I may have to whack it in your
guest room.
GEORGE
Whack away, I don't give a shit.
(BEAT)
Hey, you were funny tonight. I
could see how you could get good.
IRA
Thanks. That was fun. It was rare
that I get to play to more than
twenty-five people. I've never
played for a thousand.
(MORE)
26.
IRA (CONT'D)
it, s kind of easier, because even
if two hundred like me, it sounds
like a lot.
GEORGE
I do feel bad for you, because no
matter how hard you try, you'll
never be as funny as me.
IRA
Why would you say that?
GEORGE
Did your dad crack you on the head
when you were a kid?
IRA
No.
GEORGE
That's why. My dad always seemed
annoyed with me. He'd always crack
me on the head. You would not see
it coming. I spent my whole
childhood trying to make my dad
laugh so he wouldn't smack me. But
he was an awesome guy. He was the
coolest. He just got annoyed with
me. Do you like your parents?
They can't be that bad, because
you're not that funny.
IRA
They're bananas. And always broke.
They got divorced ten years ago,
but they both act like it just
happened last week. They hate each
other. They always put me in the
middle of it. I always wanted them
to say, "We don't want you to
suffer through this, so we're just
going to handle it ourselves."
They never would do it. They would
always make me feel their pain all
the time. I would never do that
for my kids. Because it's like
they._`.re kids. And no matter how
many times I tell them to leave me
out of it, they never do.
Ira notices that George is very close to falling asleep.
IRA (CONT'D)
I'll let you crash.
27.
GEORGE
No, keep going. It's interesting.
Tell me about your day job?
IRA
Alright. So...
(knows he's a sleeping
pill at this point)
I work at a supermarket at the deli
counter. I hate it, but the
money's actually pretty good.
Better than you'd think. But I'd
rather do comedy full-time if I
could.
The camera pulls back as Ira continues to talk, and we begin
to HEAR George snoring, as Ira continues to talk anyway.
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - MORNING
George walks into the guest room, where Ira is sleeping.
GEORGE
Hey man, you want to make me
breakfast?
IRA
okay.
GEORGE
Do you know how to cook anything?
IRA
Eggs.
GEORGE
Okay, let's have some eggs.
While Ira is cooking, George takes a lot of pills.
IRA
What are you doing, man? Are those
vitamins?
GEORGE
No. Medicine. I'm sick.
IRA
What do you got?
28.
GEORGE
I've got some crazy blood disease.
They think I'm going to die in six
months to a year. Some weird
thing, almost nobody has it. All
these are experimental.
IRA
Are you fucking with me? That's
not funny, man.
GEORGE
No, I'm telling you the truth.
IRA
I never heard that before. That
would be a big deal.
GEORGE
I haven't told anybody yet. I
don't think I'm going to.
IRA
You're not going to tell anybody?
You told me.
GEORGE
Well it's easier with you because I
don't know you. I don't feel weird
around you. I don't want to be
treated like a guy who's going to
die.
IRA
I don't know, man. I don't think
you want to go through this alone.
I think you've got to tell people.
Your family. Your friends.
GEORGE
Actually, the reason why I only
told you is I need you to do me a
favor.
IRA
What? Anything, man.
GEORGE
I can't imagine suffering through
the final stages of this. So...I
was going to ask you if you would
be willing...to euthanize me.
29.
IRA
What does that mean?
GEORGE
Kill me. I figured if I found
someone that nobody knew that was a
stranger, they could get away with
it, and I wouldn't have to suffer.
I got a gun that is untraceable.
And a silencer. And I thought
maybe tonight, I would take a bunch
of sleeping pills, and when I slept
you would put a bullet in my head.
IRA
I can't do that!
GEORGE
I'll give you fifty thousand
dollars in cash. You'd be doing me
a favor. It would be the kindest
thing you could ever do for
somebody.
IRA
Fifty thousand dollars? Can I at
least take a little time to think
about it?
GEORGE
Holy shit, you would do it. You
were literally thinking about doing
it!
IRA
You're an asshole.
GEORGE
I'm an asshole, you were about to
kill me. For fifty grand! That's
not even a lot of money.
IPA
I just got nervous so I was
delaying saying no.
GEORGE
You basically just told me that you
were willing to be a murderer.
While you're cooking me eggs.
30.
IRA
That's not cool, man. You told me
you're going to die and you want me
to euthanize you. I almost had a
heart attack.
GEORGE
Well, I actually am sick. And I'm
not going to survive.
IRA
Don't do this. My friends do this
all the time. They trick me, and
then they trick me again. I'm very
gullible. Don't do it.
GEORGE
I'm not putting you on, man. Just
don't tell anyone. I mean that. I
don't want people to know about
this. I don't want to feel weird.
Ira nods okay.
IRA
Are you religious? Does that give
you any comfort?
GEORGE
Do you really think I'm going to
sit here and have a theological
conversation with you?
IRA
No.
GEORGE
Maybe later, Father Mulcahy.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
The three friends - Mark, Ira, Leo - smoke pot and have what
they think is a deep conversation.
MARK
That's so sad.
LEO
If it was me, I would tell
everyone. Then everyone would kiss
my ass. And take care of me. Tell
me how much they love me.
(MORE)
31.
LEO (CONT`D)
Wipe my ass when I had to go to the
bathroom. They'd be crying and
sad, and that would make me feel
really good.
IRA
He doesn't want to be that guy. He
picked up two girls at a bar. Then
he had sex with his. And then he
came out and had sex with mine.
MARK
In front of you?
IRA
No.
MARK
So being terminally ill makes you a
cock-blacker?
IRA
No, what I'm saying is...He's so
lost right now that he's hiding
from the world. And he's trying to
distract himself by doing stand-up
and having sex with a lot of women.
And he doesn't want anyone to know
but me.
MARK
Why you?
IRA
Because he doesn't know me. So he
doesn't give a shit.
LEO
That's kind of insulting.
IRA
No, I think we had kind of an
instant connection.
The other roommate, JAY, walks by.
JAY
You fucked him?
IRA
Shut up, Jay.
Jay keeps walking.
32.
IRA (CONT'D)
I feel like he's crying out for
help, and I can help him. He's
made us so happy in our lives, this
is our chance to do something from
him during this time. There's a
lot of wisdom we can take from
this. What he's going through. We
can apply it to our lives.
LEO
Like how to bang two chicks in the
same night, even though you have a
terminal disease?
IRA
No, what is life all about? What
is important? How should we decide
to live this precious life?
REVEAL that Mark is crying.
MARK
Don't talk about this shit when
we're high. It really freaks me
out and it makes me sad and it
scares me. I don't want to talk
about this shit.
IRA
That's why we should talk about it!
You can't run from it, man. This
could make us into better people.
This is an opportunity.
LEO
I don't want to talk about this
shit until I'm 80. I'm 24 years
old.
IRA
Well I'm going to fucking learn
something.
Mark cries even more.
MARK
When my grandfather died, we were
in a room with no windows. And
they said he was dead. And there
was a candle. And it started
flickering like he was blowing it
out. But there were no windows.
(MORE)
33
MARK (CONT'D)
We all thought that was him going
to heaven.
LEO
You have to go through fire to get
to heaven? That wasn't him going
to heaven, that was him going to
hell.
MARK
Fuck you guys. I was trying to
open up. I'll never do it again.
You're just being mean because I'm
making twenty-five thousand dollars
an episode.
INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
George is bored, playing guitar. He picks up the phone,
dials.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. IRA'S APARTMENT
Ira answers the phone.
IRA
Hello.
GEORGE
Hey. You want to see if we can get
on-stage somewhere?
IRA
Sure.
MUSIC UP
INT. THE IMPROV - NIGHT
See quick moments of Ira on stage at the Improv doing a set.
Then George does a set, tears down the house.
INT. GEORGE'S JAM ROOM
George and a few of his friends are playing a famous rock
song for fun. But they are very good. The music continues
through the following sequence.
34.
INT. THE IMPROV - DINING ROOM
George and Ira are eating with several famous comedians,
shooting the shit, having a good time.
EXT. IMPROV -- NIGHT
George and Ira are waiting at the parking valet. The car
pulls up. As they get in:
GEORGE
I was thinking about it. I could
throw you some money every week for
coming up with new jokes for me.
Maybe you can organize them in the
computer, keep track of what I'm
doing.
IRA
Absolutely. What do you want to
pay me?
They close the doors, drive off.
GEORGE
I'll throw you $1500 a week.
IRA
Okay, that could work.
We can tell that this amount of money could change Ira's
life.
INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM
George and Ira are writing jokes. Ira keeps pitching
premises/rough joke ideas that George instantly makes ten
times better off the top of his head. (We shoot this process
for real with multiple cameras and try to catch lightning in
a bottle.)
IRA
I was thinking maybe you should do
some material about what you're
going through, being sick. There
could be something really powerful,
and it would mean a lot to people,
that you would share that with
them.
35.
GEORGE
I'm just doing stand-up to have
fun, forget about it on stage.
There's nothing funny about that.
IRA
It could be classic stuff. For the
ages.
GEORGE
Fuck classic stuff. Idon't give a
shit what people think of my shit
when I'm dead. Why don't you wait
till you're about to die and then
you do a bit about it? I'll bet
you're about-to-die shit will be
funnier than my about-to-die shit.
INT. COMEDY CLUB
George and Ira are doing sets again.
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
George is making a phoney phone call on a speaker phone. Ira
listens.
GEORGE
(Grandmother voice)
I ordered your Roast Beef. And
normally it's delicious. But this
time I paid a price!
DELI MANAGER
I'm very sorry ma'am. What if you
come in and I give you a free
sandwich?
GEORGE
(Grandmother voice)
Well that's very nice of you. But
I have one question for you. Can I
get two sandwiches?
George motions for Ira to do something.
IRA
Grandma! Get off the fucking
phone. Don't run up my fucking
bill.
36.
Ira starts slapping his hands together. George screams in
pain.
DELI MANAGER
Ma'am! Are you okay?
GEORGE
(Grandmother voice)
This is a family matter! He can
hit me if he wants. He's my
grandson, and I love him! Now may
I give you my name, so you have it
on file so I can get my free
sandwich? K-A-C-A-H-A-K-R-E-K-K-U-
C-T-A-R-S-U-T-A-R-G-M-S. Did you
get that? Can you say it back to
me?
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON
Ira enters.
IRA
George? George?
He walks through the house, finds George in bed. For the
first time he seems sick.
IRA (CONT'D)
Are you all right?
GEORGE
No, I had a bad night last night.
I was sweating though the sheets,
couldn't stop. So I got up,
watched half of a season of The
Wire and then I slept till...what
time is it now?
IRA
It's three in the afternoon.
GEORGE
I wanted to get up and do
something. But I don't think I
have it in me. I may just go back
to bed.
IRA
Well do you need anything?
37.
GEORGE
Yeah, I need all sorts of things.
But nothing you can get me. You
should go up anyway. You were in a
groove the other night, you don't
want to get rusty.
IRA
I. .I. .can't anyway. I'm doing
the late shift at the deli counter.
GEORGE
Really? How long you gonna keep
that job for? I'm paying you good
money. What if someone you perform
in front of goes into Ralph's and
sees you cutting turkey?
IRA
I know, I just want to be safe,
make sure I can pay my bills. I
don't like to be nervous about that
shit.
GEORGE
I wasn't like you. I had a
different theory. You've got to
spend money to make money. Nothing
makes you work harder than being in
debt. Maybe we should go buy a
Corvette. That'll make you try to
be funnier.
INT. RALPH'S SUPERMARKET
CHUCK
so how much notice are you giving
me?
IRA
Notice? I'm not giving you any
notice. I'm just quitting.
CHUCK
You're supposed to give notice.
That's what people do.
IRA
Why would I give you notice? I'm
not trying to stay in Ralph's good
graces. I'm not trying to preserve
my good standing at Ralph's.
(MORE)
38.
IRA (CONT'D)
I'm just quitting. You don't quit
and then keep working for two
weeks.
CHUCK
Well I don't have enough people to
cover all your shifts, now I gotta
cover them.
IRA
I wish I could help you, but I'll
kill myself if I keep working here.
It's not what I want to do. Maybe
Gail can cover my shifts.
CHUCK
Gail can't work weekends, and my
kid's birthday is this weekend.
What am I supposed to do?
IRA
I don't know. Get someone to cover
from a different Ralph's. There
are thousands of them in Southern
California. No one else can scoop
macaroni into a bowl? I'm not the
linchpin that keeps Ralph's from
falling into chaos.
CHUCK
You're an asshole. You always
thought you were slumming it here.
Go tell your tucking fart jokes.,
Get the fuck out of here before I
kick the shit out of you.
IRA
You know what? I'm glad you said
that, because I was about to tell
you I could work this weekend.
What's your problem? I didn't say
anything bad about you, I just said
I didn't want to work for Ralph's
anymore.
Chuck takes a step to Ira like he's going to hit him. Ira
steps back a few feet.
IRA (CONT'D)
I'll tell Dave. I'll tell Dave. I
tried to do this politely. The
thanks I get.
39.
Ira walks out the store. As he walks out, he turns to a lady
(in her 40s) at the register.
IRA (CONT'D)
See you, Phyllis. You're nice.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY
Ira sees Daisy walking out as he's walking into the apartment
complex. He takes a deep breath, then:
IRA
Hey, Daisy.
DAISY
Hey --
IRA
Ira.
DAISY
(she doesn't)
I know.
IRA
I was gonna try to hunt down
tickets to see Wilco at the Greek
Theatre. You want to come? Are
you into them at all?
DAISY
I would love to come. That would
be amazing.
IRA
Okay. I'll call you with the
details. Hopefully I'll be able to
get seats which will not require
high-powered binoculars.
DAISY
I don't care where the seats are.
I just like to close my eyes and
listen to the music at concerts,
IRA
Perfect. Then I can play you their
live album in my car and trick you
into thinking we have front row
seats.
(laughing uncomfortably)
That won't work.
(MORE)
40.
IRA (CONT'D)
That wasn't funny at all. I'm
gonna leave while I'm ahead right
now.
She smiles. He walks away.
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE
Ira walks into George's house.
IRA
George?
Ira walks into George's bedroom. He hears something, pokes
his head in.
In the dark, he can barely see George making phoney calls by
himself. Ira listens for awhile, not sure what to make of
this. George doesn't see him.
GEORGE
(speaking like an old
WOMAN)
I was robbed! One second you're
walking down the street with your
Visa card, having a grand old time,
and then you've got a fucking gun
in your mouth!
VISA LADY
What's the number of the card,
Ma'am?
GEORGE
I don't know! The thief has the
card, why don't you ask the thief
the number of the card!
George hangs up the phone. He starts dialing.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
(as a Texan)
Ah yes, I came into your comedy
club tonight and I was very
offended by the performer. I did
not pay good money to have the so-
called "comedian" shake my wife's
hand, then smell it and say, "Did
you have fish for dinner?" That is
not my idea of entertainment.
Ira leaves the room, feeling like he's intruded on a private
moment.
41.
INT. RED LOBSTER RESTAURANT
George and Ira are eating.
IRA
I was thinking you need to tell
someone about your situation... your
condition.
GEORGE
No, no. I• don't want to do that.
IRA
I feel like maybe you're holding
everything in and I can understand
why you don't want to deal with it
because why would anyone want to
deal with it. But I bet you have a
lot of unfinished business with
your friends. Wouldn't it make you
feel a lot better to get your
affairs in order? What do people
do at this moment Don't they have
to do stuff?
GEORGE
I don't want to do anything. I
just want to be in the moment and
live every day the best I can. As
soon as I confront it with
everybody, everything's changed and
I can't get back.
IRA
Everything has changed. At some
point you're going to get really
sick and you need your friends and
family around you. I'm sure
there's a lot of business, estate
issues, I don't know. Maybe you'll
feel better than if you just deal
with everything. Where are your
parents?
GEORGE
P4y parents would drop dead if I
told them what was happening.
They're in their 80s. They don't
have to go through this. I'll make
sure they find out at the last
possible second.
42.
IRA
Friends?
GEORGE
I don't think I do. I thought I
did. I got a lot of people I know,
shoot the shit with, fuck around
with. But I realized when this
happened I'm not close to anyone.
I had no one to call. My
friendships are Hollywood
friendships. When I was lying in
bed I couldn't think of one person
I wanted to share this with. Maybe
it's me, maybe I never got close to
anybody.
IRA
I think if you talk to people you'd
find out a lot of people care about
you. You're kind of old already, I
mean, compared to me. I'm sure you
touched a lot of people's lives.
You can't spend the rest of your
days making phoney phone calls
alone in your room.
GEORGE
The only reason I did that was
because I couldn't sleep. And I
had no one to call.
IRA
Well maybe that's the problem.
Maybe if you told more people you'd
have more people to call. You
can't just talk to me about it, I
don't know what the fuck I'm
talking about. You're the first
person I've known who's sick. I'm
not good at it.
(eyes beginning to well
UP)
You've given me diarrhea, I'm
nervous about you and I'm in over
my head.
GEORGE
(his eyes begin to well
UP)
Don't cry in front of me, man. I
can't start that.
43.
IRA
I'm sorry.
GEORGE
Seriously. I can't...I can't have
you do that.
George really begins to cry.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Please don't do that.
IRA
(tears streaming down his
FACE)
I won't do it, I promise, man.
Ira wipes the tears from his face. New tears immediately
come out.
IRA (CONT'D)
That was first and last time. I'm
not even crying anymore.
GEORGE
(CRYING)
You're still crying.
IRA
(tears coming down)
I don't think I am. I think I'm
not anymore. I'm not sure what
you're talking about.
GEORGE
Okay, as long as we got that
straight.
George takes a napkin and puts it over his face.
IRA
I'm sorry, George. I really don't
know what to do, I don't know how
to help you.
GEORGE
(his face still in the
NAPKIN)
No, you're right. I really should
tell some people. It just sucks,
man. It just sucks. And they're
going to feel so bad, I don't even
want to look at them and tell them.
(MORE)
44.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
I'd rather drop dead. of a heart
attack and have someone else make
the calls. I have to make those
calls? This is a nightmare. This
is a total nightmare.
IRA
Do you want me to call them, and
tell them what's going on?
GEORGE
Yeah.
IRA
Fuck. I was hoping you were gonna
say no.
INT. IRA'S BEDROOM
Ira is on the phone. There is a paper with a bunch of
numbers in front of him.
IRA
(into the phone)
Hi, this is Ira, I'm a friend of
George's. He asked me to call you.
His roommates are making a commotion outside. Ira covers the
receiver.
IRA (CONT'D)
Will you guys shut the fuck up?
Shut the fuck up!
Ira slam the door.
IRA (CONT'D)
(into phone)
I'm sorry. I have some news about
George.
TELLING FRIENDS SEQUENCE
INT. LIVING ROOM
George sits with THREE COMEDIANS. They are all laughing and
telling old sex stories from george's younger days. Ira sits
with them and listens and laughs along.
45.
GEORGE
So I left the phone off the hook so
he could hear me doing it.
COMEDIAN #1
That's very gay.
COMEDIAN#2
No, it was a buddy thing. It was
very heterosexual.
GEORGE
Admit it, you were masturbating.
COMEDIAN#2
Of course I was whacking it. What
else am I gonna do, not whack it?
GEORGE
And I kept making her talk and say
crazy shit just to make him laugh.
COMEDIAN #2
I think at one point you said, "Say
my hog is the biggest you've ever
seen." And then there is this long
pause.
COMEDIAN#3
That's a bad sign. If it was big
at all she wouldn't have paused.
COMEDIAN #1
Remember you used to have that joke
about how you used to only date
midgets because your dick looked
bigger in their little hands.
They all laugh.
COMEDIAN #2
Yeah, you used to get all the
girls, man.
Suddenly the air is out of the room, and it is awkward and
sad.
INT. LIVING ROOM
George is talking to an EX-MANAGER and his WIFE.
46.
EX-MANAGER
And I feel horrible about it, but
the truth is, I was having some
issues with gambling, and you were
doing so well-and so I took a
million dollar check you got in
from the studio and I used it to
clear up some debts. And I did it
with the intention of paying you
right back before you noticed. But
you never noticed, and I just never
got around to paying you back.
INT. LIVING ROOM
Allen Covert yells at George for abandoning him.
COVERT
You fucking blew us off. You
cocksucker.
INT. LIVING ROOM
George is talking to his sister, LISA.
LISA
You have to tell mom and dad.
GEORGE
I will tell them, but right at the
end. I don't want them to go
through all this. I can't put them
through this.
LISA
I wish I wasn't so mad at you. I
want to be there for you, but I am
so mad at you.
GEORGE
I wish I was a better brother.
LISA
You weren't even a brother. You
just left when I was a little kid.
You left me there all alone, and
you never treated me like a sister
again.
47.
GEORGE
You live so far away. I visited
you in Kansas a few years ago.
LISA
That was six years ago, and you
were only there because you had a
concert. My five-year-old has
never even met you.
George does not know what to say.
LISA (CONT'D)
And I wanted to bring her, but then
I thought she would just fall in
love with you and get attached, and
then what? I didn't want to do
that to her.
INT. KITCHEN
George and Ira talk in the kitchen while making beverages.
GEORGE
Thanks a lot, pal. This is
everything I didn't want to happen.
It's like being at my own funeral.
IRA
Afterwards you'll be happy you did
it.
GEORGE
No, I won't.
INT. LIVING ROOM
George talks to a FRIEND who rambles on and on talking about
his own problems, ignoring George's.
FRIEND
It is such a tucked up situation.
Life is fucked. It makes no sense.
GEORGE
Well, I really appreciate you
coming by.
FRIEND
This is why I can't be close with
people. What is the point?
48.
GEORGE
Exactly. Well, I really need to
rest...
FRIEND
The worst part is at night, when
the TV gets turned off, and it is
quiet...
GEORGE
It was so good to see you.
George stands up and exits the room. Ira walks over.
IRA
I think George is going to take a
nap now.
FRIEND
Oh, okay.
INT. LIVING ROOM
A different FRIEND is talking about their own health issues.
He goes on and on about his surgeries and treatments. George
doesn't say a word.
INT. LIVING ROOM
George is talking to BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
You're about to merge with the
eternal. We're all going to die.
No one gets out of here alive,
right?
George nods.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (CONT'D)
You lived five lives, fucker.
You're 200 years old in my book.
The fun you've had, the money, the
adventures, the women you've known.
Who wouldn't want to change places
with you right new?
GEORGE
I guess so, but...
49.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
You know what? There is no
tomorrow, no yesterday. Only right
now, and it's fucking beautiful.
GEORGE
(BEAT)
You need to shut the fuck up right
now. Have you been browsing the
self-help section at Barnes and
Noble? Is this what you say in
between songs these days? I'm
going to go right now and delete
all your songs off my iPod.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
I'm sorry. I didn't know what to
say. I just got nervous.
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM
Ira is talking George to sleep. He's gotten good at it.
Warren Zevon's "Don't Let Us Get Sick" plays in the
background.
GEORGE
This is awful. Awful. I hate you
for having me do this.
IRA
You have to, you have no choice.
You're doing good. And you're
almost done, don't worry.
GEORGE
Well what are we going to do when
it's over, when we're done
tomorrow? Because then I'm not
talking to anyone.
IRA
I was thinking we should go skiing
somewhere. You're still physically
doing well, and that's not going to
last forever. You should do
something active. Go to Colorado,
or Tahoe, or something. Or do
something crazy. Go to Switzerland,
or Sweden, or wherever they have
mountains.
(MORE)
50.
IRA (CONT'D)
I don't know, I don't even ski, but
you do. Maybe you should do
something like that.
Ira notices George is falling asleep, so he talks more
quietly. He's gotten good at this.
IRA (CONT'D)
If it's too hard, we can just ski
for an hour or two a day, and then
get drunk at the bar. You can hit
on hot ski instructors, and then I
can masturbate in the room thinking
about you fucking hot ski
instructors.
He thinks George is asleep, so he walks out as he speaks.
IRA (CONT'D)
Whatever. It'll be fun to be in the
mountain air, fun to look at the
mountains. Maybe you shouldn't even
be here. We can hang out there as
long as you want, I got nothing to
do.
Ira closes the door.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
George is talking to LAURA, a very pretty woman in her late
thirties. Laura is showing George a photo of her two
daughters.
GEORGE
Thanks for coming down. You didn't
have to do that, i appreciate it.
LAURA
I wanted to, I wanted to see you.
GEORGE
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for
everything I did to you.
LAURA
You don't have to be sorry, that
was like 12 years ago. Everything
worked out for the best.
We see this hurts George.
51.
GEORGE
I screwed everything up. I could
have been married to you now.
LAURA
Don't do this.
GEORGE
We could've had a family . I don't
have a family, I'm all alone here.
LAURA
(tearing up)
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for
what's happening to you.
GEORGE
You know, maybe I deserve it. I
screwed up the only good thing that
ever happened in my life. I
cheated on you. For no reason at
all. Just young and stupid. And
selfish. I'm sorry.
LAURA
Maybe I over reacted. I didn't
have to leave you.
GEORGE
Yes you did.
ANGLE ON: Ira sneaking a peak from the kitchen as he makes
coffee.
LAURA
And the funny thing is...my
husband, he is on the road a lot
for business. He did the same
thing last year.
GEORGE
Did you leave him?
LAURA
No. I have kids now.
GEORGE
See, that was my mistake. I should
have had some kids with you before
I cheated.
she laughs.
52.
LAURA
You were the one and only magic
relationship in. my life.
She starts to cry. He does too. They embrace.
GEORGE
Me too.
They cry, forehead to forehead.
LAURA
There's never been anything like
you before or since. I love Chris,
but it's not the same. It's fine,
maybe it isn't even fine, but we
had something special.
GEORGE
I'm so sorry. I really loved you.
And I do love you.
LAURA
I love you too George. I wish
there was something I could do.
GEORGE
Don't set me up for jokes like
that. You're ruining the moment.
She smiles. They hug.
INT. IRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Ira comes home, deep in the evening. He's eating some food.
Daisy walks out of Mark's bedroom, dressed in Mark's long-
sleeve t-shirt. She's clearly just had sex.
IRA
Hey. How's it going?
DAISY
Good.
Mark walks out in a bathrobe.
MARK
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were
sleeping at your boyfriend's again
tonight.
53.
IRA
I guess it's been more than ten
days.
MARK
It's been 21 days. I gave you an
extra 11.
DAISY
What are you guys talking about?
IRA
Don't worry about it, it doesn't
matter, I don't give a shit.
Leo walks in the front door.
LEO
I just fucking killed at the
Improv. Bud Freidman fucking loves
me.
Leo realizes he's walked into the middle of an awkward
moment.
LEO (CONT' D )
(HALF-HEARTEDLY)
They said they're gonna start
giving me good spots on the
weekends.
IRA
I've been getting good weekend
spots.
LEO
Well, that's because they think if
they book you, George will show up.
IRA
What's with you guys? You both
want to fuck my mother too? What
more do you want to do to me
tonight?
Ira walks away.
LEO
I really did kill.
(a beat)
Did you guys just bone, or
something?
(MORE)
54.
LEO (CONT'D)
I'm getting a little vibe here.
It's getting me excited.
EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MOMENTS LATER
Ira and Daisy are having a heated conversation outside.
IRA
So now you're with Mark? You're
his girl?
DAISY
I just went out with him one night.
IRA
You got a lot accomplished in one
night. How did this happen?
DAISY
He invited me to a taping of his
show and we hit it off.
IRA
Must have been a great episode. I
should get a job on a shitty show
so I can use it as foreplay.
DAISY
What are you talking about? Don't
treat me like that.
IRA
I am not treating you like
anything. Do what you want. I
don't give a shit. I'll go to Wilco
alone.
DAISY
What planet are you from? The one
where everyone is perfect like you,
you judgemental fuck?
IRA
How could you do that? I thought
we were going out on a date.
DAISY
We are going on a date. I didn't
plan it. Am I not allowed to do
stuff because we're going out on a
.date? What the fuck's the matter
with you?
55.
IRA
I bought tickets to Wilco and I
worked all week to get a
reservation at a place that doesn't
normally let people like me eat
there. I just didn't see this
coming. Yes, you're right. You
can do anything you want. I'm glad
this fucking happened, before I
wasted the night with you. I
didn't think you were that kind of
person. That you would sleep with
a guy like that.
DAISY
He's your roommate. You don't like
him?
IRA
No, I think he's a pussyhound.
DAISY
Well, I didn't know that. Thanks
for the info. I wasn't trying to
hurt you. It just happened.
IRA
You got excited because he's the
star of the show. You literally
star-fucked.
DAISY
Yes, you're right. I'm awful.
(CRYING)
Give me a break. I don't even know
you.
INT. APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Ira goes into the house. Mark is there.
MARK
I told you I was going to give you
10 days. That was three weeks ago.
IRA
I thought you were joking.
MARK
I didn't know she actually mattered
to you. We talk about girls we
want to fuck all the time.
56.
IRA
I just bought these two Wilco
tickets. Wanna go?
MARK
I would, but I'm going with Tobey
Maguire. He wants me to play his
younger brother in some movie.
EXT. SKI SLOPE - DAY
George and Ira are skiing. There is no music, no noise. It
is very peaceful. George stops in a spot where he is
surrounded in all directions by gorgeous, majestic mountains.
He looks around, taking it all in.
INT. SKI LODGE HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
George and Ira are watching videotapes of George doing stand-
up when he was much younger. He's really, really funny. And
very skinny, with a much more pronounced New York accent.
GEORGE
You know, I never got married. I
never had kids. I didn't get to do
a lot of things I thought I would
do. But I was pretty fucking
funny, right?
IRA
Come on, are you kidding me? We
all want to be you. Most of my
comic friends are just doing a bad
impression of you. People love
your shit.
GEORGE
Well, I made a lot of people laugh.
I guess that's something.
IRA
It's a lot.
GEORGE
Yeah. I guess so.
They watch some more and we see a really happy, young George
getting big laughs with something really silly.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Look at that crazy motherfucker.
57.
George and Ira start watching the act and laughing along,
like any audience member.
INT. JAM ROOM - DAY
George is singing a happy song with a bunch of musician
friends, like a Lou Reed/Velvet Underground (or Ramones/New
York Dolls/Clash/Warren Zevon/Paul McCartney) song. This
music plays over the following montage.
MONTAGE
EXT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - DAY
George walks around his grounds, slowly. And one gets the
sense he's never looked around and seen where he lives
before. He likes it.
INT. IMPROV - NIGHT
George performs at the Improv. We see him gesture to a woman
that she can come up on stage and she hugs him. The crowd
erupts. She runs back to her seat. George continues with
his act.
EXT. SANTA MONICA MOUNTAINS - DAY
George and Ira hike up a hill.
GEORGE
I never understood why people hiked
before. I think I get it now.
IRA
(SWEATING)
I don't.
INT. RESTAURTANT - DAY
George and Ira have an uncomfortable dinner with George's
angry sister, Lisa.
INT. BEDROOM -- NIGHT
George is in bed, sleeping. Ira starts sneaking out. George
wakes up, calls Ira back to keep talking to him.
58.
EXT. BACKYARD - NIGHT
George is walking around his yard at night. He's clearly
never walked the grounds at night. He seems at peace.
INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Lisa and her husband are now over, and George is talking to
them and playing with her two-year-old boy.
EXT. GEORGE'S HOUSE
George is sitting with his parents. It is clear he recently
told them about his situation, and although there is sadness
in the air, they look happy to be close for the first time in
a long time.
George says something that makes his DAD laugh.
INT. GEORGE'S LIVING ROOM
Ira is asleep on the couch. George walks over with a bowl of
ice cream. He whacks Ira a few times trying to wake him up,
but Ira keeps snoring. George sits down next to the sleeping
Ira and watches TV while eating his ice cream.
EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
George and Ira play basketball. Ira is awful.
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
Ira is making breakfast. George is all dressed for the day.
IRA
What are you doing?
GEORGE
I'm feeling good, so I'm going to
the doctor.
IRA
You're not feeling good?
GEORGE
No, I'm feeling good. It's kind of
weirding me out.
(MORE)
59.
GEORGE (CONT-D)
I don't feel sick at all, and it's
scaring me. I feel like I'm just
going to drop dead. Am I not going
to feel bad at all, and then one
day wake up dead? It's
disconcerting.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
DOCTOR STEVENS
I don't want to get your hopes up.
We put you on this experimental
medication without much optimism,
but as of right now I don't see any
traces of the disease in your blood
work. I don't want to speak too
soon, but we may have beaten this
thing.
GEORGE
Well what the fuck do I do now?
INT. LIVING ROOM
Ira's eyes are wide with shock.
IRA
Oh my god, oh my god!
Ira goes to hug George, but it's a very awkward moment. Ira
really wants a happy hug, but George is instantly
uncomfortable.
TNT. OFFICE
George is sitting at his computer. Ira is also seated.
GEORGE
I really want to thank you for your
help through this time.
IRA
I was happy to help.
GEORGE
Well, you didn't have to, and you
were really there for me. I was
thinking, maybe we should write a
movie together.
60.
IRA
Uh-huh.
GEORGE
I feel like I've learned a lot, and
I wanna use this good place I'm in
right now to do something really
creative. I would pay you,
certainly. I make, you know, about
a million dollars to write a
script. I can't give you half, but
maybe one hundred, two hundred
grand, but we'll figure it out.
IRA
(what?)
Yeah, we'll figure it out.
GEORGE
I thought a lot about my work when
I was sick and I'm in sort of a
strange place career-wise, because
I'm normally the goofy, funny guy
and I don't know if people are
expecting a change from me. And I
think people are expecting me to
evolve, and it's important to
evolve before they make a point of
asking me why I'm not evolving.
IRA
It's always good to keep breaking
new ground.
GEORGE
Is that something they taught you
at the deli. I'm not asking you
for your advice, I just though we
could start trying to come up with
an idea.
IRA
Well, I'm gonna start thinking.
And...I'm really happy for you.
Are you freaking out right now?
GEORGE
It's very strange. It's gonna take
me a few days to process it, but
it's a gift and I'm going to treat
it that way.
(MORE)
61.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
I learned a lot from being sick and
it's gonna help me make some good
choices, and be a good person from
now on.
INT. IRA'S PARENT'S DINING ROOM
Ira is eating with his fairly young MOM and his step-father
BOB.
IRA
And he thanked me for helping him,
and I really think I was a help
during this time. I'm not saying
that's why he got better, but he
definitely had good energy and I
hear that helps your immune system.
MOM
He's going to pay you two hundred
thousand dollars to write a movie
script?
IRA
I don't know, he said one or two
hundred thousand.
BOB
One or two hundred thousand?
That's pretty vague. That's a wide
range. I'd push him toward two
hundred thousand if I were you.
IRA
Thank you for the advice, Bob.
That's very helpful.
MOM
This is good because now you can
help with your sister's college
tuition.
IRA
What are you talking about?
MOM
Your younger sister got accepted to
Boston University but, as you know,
your father and I aren't in the
position to pay for it.
62.
IRA
So I have to? I just stopped
working at a supermarket two weeks
ago. I'm trying to create some
financial stability for myself.
The first time I make any real
money, I can't just give it to her.
BOB
Well that's very selfish.
IRA
Well you guys went on a cruise to
Greece last year. Maybe you
shouldn't have gone, and saved for
her college education.
MOM
Oh, so after all we've done for
you, we can't have any fun? We
should never take a vacation?
IRA
I had to drop out of college after
two years because you couldn't pay
for it. Now I have to pay for
hers? Let her figure it out. Let
her get a job.
BOB
I didn't realize I raised such a
selfish boy. When I was young I
would have done anything for my
family.
IRA
Then sell your house. Move into a
smaller house. Use the extra money
to pay for her college. Or tell
her to work for a year or two, make
some money, then she can pay for
her own college. No one helped me
out, I'm just digging out from
under now.
BOB
Don't get so high up on your horse
with all your Hollywood friends. I
don't like what you're turning
into.
63.
IRA
One good thing happens to me in my
entire life, and you have to try
and take it away and ruin it.
MOM
I don't even know where you came
from.
BOB
Don't bother showing up for
Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is just
for families.
INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - DAY
Ira is on his computer. Leo and Mark are watching.
IRA
(typing as he talks)
Hey George, we're doing an Orphan's
Thanksgiving tomorrow night, want
to come? It's just for us losers
who don't have any family to eat
with.
LEO
He's not gonna email back.
MARK
He's never gonna want to eat
Thanksgiving with us.
The computer BINGS. The guys scream in delight.
IRA
(reading email)
Sure. What time? Do you need me
to bring anything?
(types back)
3 O'clock at my apartment. Bring
wine that we can't afford.
The computer bings.
IRA (CONT'D)
(reading email)
That's pretty much all wine on
earth. See you then.
64.
MARK
(EXCITED)
Email back and say:
(trying to make a joke)
If you can, bring that hot chick
from your last movie. We
definitely have room for her.
(ALT)
Well, then maybe just bring grain
alcohol then.
They all start laughing. The computer BINGS again.
IRA
(reading it)
Hey Faggots, I know what you're
doing. Stop emailing me. It's not
amusing anymore.
They all start high--fiving.
LEO
He called us faggots!
INT. IRA'S APARTMENT - DAY
Mark and Leo are doing the cooking. There a few other
comedians (male and female) floating around the apartment.
Ira watches the parade on TV.
Daisy walks up, site down next to Ira.
DAISY
What have you been up to? I
haven't seen you at the Improv.
IRA
I've just been busy. Will you
excuse me?
Ira gets up, walks out of the room.
EXT./INT. APARTMENT - DAY
George walks up, rings the bell. Inside the apartment he
hears a bit of a scuffle, as if the friends are fighting over
who can open the door.
Leo opens the door, sweaty, with a welt on his face.
65.
LEO
Hey, George. How are you? Come on
in.
Then Mark appears from the side, also sweaty, with a welt on
his neck.
MARK
Happy Thanksgiving? Come on in.
INT. IRA'S HOUSE - DINING AREA - LATER
Everyone is seated around the table. It's very awkward due
to George's presence. It seems to suck the air out of the
room.
LEO
We're really glad you could come
have Thanksgiving with us. It's a
big thrill.
GEORGE
It's weird, I feel like the old guy
in the room. When I started out I
was always the young guy. It's
strange how fast you become the old
guy. And I feel exactly the same.
MARK
Well, you don't know us, but you're
with friends and admirers.
GEORGE
I know you, I've watched your show.
"'Nuff Said." It's a good show.
IRA
You don't have to lie to him. He
knows it's not good.
GEORGE
No, it's good, it's cute. I like
it.
MARK
(BASHFUL)
I know it's not that funny, but
they do slip in some funny shit in
there every now and again.
66.
GEORGE
Don't be ashamed, it's good. But
what about that girl on the show?
How old is she? Tell me she's 25.
MARK
No, she's 15.
GEORGE
Holy shit! I feel bad. I don't
want to tell you what I did
watching that show. Are you
serious? She's 15?
MARK
No, she's actually 20.
GEORGE
Okay, good. Now I don't feel so
bad.
Their weird friend, FUTORAN, pipes up.
FUTORAN
I heard you were sick and now
you're better. Is that like,
really... what's that like?
GEORGE
It's kinda like 9/11. You know
after 9/11 you kind of liked
everybody? But then it went away.
It's like that.
LEO
Did you think you were gonna go to
heaven? Did you count up your
sins?
GEORGE
I don't believe in any of that
stuff, but I was hoping I was
headed somewhere. I felt like I
was.
FUTORAN
I think you just wind up in the
dirt. Worm food.
IRA
Come on, Futoran, we're about to
eat.
67.
GEORGE
Well, it's easy to think that way
until you're headed for the dirt.
Then your mind opens up a little
bit, you know? Maybe it's
desperation, or maybe you just
start to see more of the big plan.
Luckily I got a little more time
before I find out.
Daisy pops her head into the room.
DAISY
Food's ready.
GEORGE
May I say the prayer?
Everyone nods yes.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Everyone hold hands. Thank you for
the gifts this year. Thank you for
(this.) And thank you for (that.)
And hopefully next year I'll get to
screw that girl on Mark's show.
All our dreams will come true. You
guys will get an apartment with
less pubic hair on the toilet seat,
you'll be able to afford a maid.
Maybe next year you guys can get a
better celebrity than me. Maybe
Wolf Blitzer will come. I also
pray that no one put their balls on
this turkey, I'm kind of scared you
guys are about to give me
salmonella poisoning. I know this
Orphan's Thanksgiving it's just a
normal Thanksgiving for you guys,
but it's a very special one for me.
I'm very glad to be here. I'm not
that glad to be here with you, but
I thank you for having me. I'm
sure it will be very memorable for
you. Now let's find out what Leo's
balls taste like.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Everyone's sitting down watching the football game. George
motions to Ira, and then looks at Daisy as if to say, "Is
that the girl you used to like?"
68.
GEORGE
(points at Ira)
This guy wrote me some funny jokes
for that Mac gig. I asked for some
jokes and he sent me about a
hundred. Seriously.
(points at Leo)
This guy sent me jack shit. If you
want to succeed you need a work
ethic like Ira over here.
LEO
Why wouldn't I have sent you jokes?
You didn't ask me for jokes.
GEORGE
Sure I did. I asked you and Ira to
write me jokes and you flaked.
Leo's eyes widen with anger.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
(to Daisy)
Ira wrote this joke about Leopard,
it was really funny. Do the joke,
Ira.
IRA
I don't want to right now.
GEORGE
It was like, what's great about.
Leopard is you can watch a porno,
write a porno, shoot a porno, and
order a porno all at the same time.
This guy's fucking funny.
Leo jumps up suddenly and walks out of the room without
saying anything. Ira watches him go, concerned.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
(to Daisy and Ira)
You guys look like a cute couple,
you should go out.
DAISY
well, the truth is we had a date,
but I went out with Mark first and
he broke it off.
69.
IRA
I didn't expect you to blurt it out
like that. That was very honest of
you.
GEORGE
If I didn't go out with every girl
one of my friends slept with... let
me put it another way. If none of
my friends went out with girls I
went out with, none of them would
have gotten laid.
(THEN)
So, are you guys dating now?
DAISY
No.
IRA
This is making me uncomfortable.
The whole thing, it makes me
uncomfortable.
GEORGE
You guys are young, why are you
taking everything so seriously? As
someone who's been through a lot
recently, let me tell you
something. The worst thing you can
do is hold grudges and be
judgmental. Everyone's making
mistakes, everyone's screwing up.
You guys are cute together.
George points at Mark.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
I know that Mark's not good in bed.
Don't tell me he was a good lay.
He can't have a big dick. Look at
Ira. He's thick. He's gotta have
a thick dick.
DAISY
Actually, I have a really skinny
vagina, so I'm not really into
thick.
GEORGE
See? She's funny. She can take a
joke, she's not sensitive. I think
I'm falling in love with both of
you.
70.
George stands.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
I'm gonna walk away now, causing an
awkward moment, that will be
followed by a true moment, filled
with chemistry. I'm walking away
now. Let the awkwardness begin.
George walks out of the room.
DAISY
My brother's going to freak out
that I met Davey.
(to Ira)
Did you go to the Wilco show?
IRA
I actually scalped them and made a
hundred bucks.
DAISY
Well at last you didn't lose any
money on the deal.
IRA
I'm sorry I got so upset with you,
because it shows you how much I
like you, which is weird because
we've hardly spoken. I understand
all of that.
DAISY
Well, attraction is all about
smells, pheromones.
IRA
Well, you smell right to me.
Daisy smiles at Ira, just as Leo stomps back into the room.
He charges right up to Ira, pissed off.
LEO
You're a fucking prick, You're a
piece of shit thief motherfucker.
You stole a job from me, you stole
my joke.
DAISY
You stole his joke?
7l.
The moment is ruined. Ira doesn't know what to say.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Leo pulls Ira into the other room and goes off on him.
LEO
He asked for me to write jokes too
and you didn't tell me!
IRA
Uh...yes.
LEO
You .fucker!
IRA
I didn't think you would want to.
LEO
Why wouldn't I want to? What, I
don't like money? I don't like
private jets?
IRA
I'm sorry, it's just, I needed the
gig. And you are doing so much
better than me. I guess I just
wanted this for myself.
LEO
It wasn't yours to keep for
yourself. You lied to me.
IRA
I did. And it was fucked up. And
I am sorry. I don't know what to
say.
LEO
Don't say anything. Just get your
shit, and get out of the apartment.
IRA
Are you serious?
LEO
You don't get let off the hook for
going into faggy apology mode.
That is a terrible strategy.
(MORE)
72.
LEO (CONT'D)
I don't know what the fuck has
happened to you--but my name is on
the lease, and I don't want to live
with it.
INT. CAR - MOMENTS LATER
Ira is mad at George for bringing up the jokes.
IRA
I never told Leo because I wanted
the gig?
GEORGE
I didn't know you were fucking over
your friend. Don't yell at me.
IRA
Well I fucking live with you now
because he told me to leave.
GEORGE
He kicked you out for that.
IRA
He said friends don't lie and I'm
fucking with his career.
GEORGE
Well in a way that's a compliment
to me because he's so mad he can't
hang out with me that's he mad at
you. That's kind of cool. I got
you kicked out.
IRA
Fuck off.
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ira is unpacking a dufflebag of clothes he grabbed from his
apartment when he was kicked out. George pops his head in.
GEORGE
This should be comfortable in here.
This room is almost as big as your
old apartment.
IRA
(through gritted teeth)
Thank you for letting me stay here.
7 3 .
GEORGE
No problem. Hey, you want to come
talk to me while I crash?
IRA
No. You want to come talk to me
while I crash?
CUT TO:
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
George is under the covers. He turns on the TV and he
changes channels until he finds "Charlie Rose." They're
interviewing a reporter from the New York Times about
America's policy towards Pakistan.
GEORGE
All right, Charlie. Talk to me.
George closes his eyes.
INT. MANAGEMENT COMPANY - DAY
George stands in the reception area.
RECEPTIONIST
Terry's ready for you.
INT. TERRY DOWD'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
GEORGE
I was thinking that now might be a
good time for me to make that
script "Making Amends."
TERRY
Do you really think people want to
see you make a movie about a guy
who goes to AA but isn't really an
alcoholic? He just needs the
companionship? That's a pretty big
left turn.
GEORGE
I got money. I want to challenge
myself. You said you liked it.
74.
TERRY
You know, I read it four years ago.
I need to read it again. I don't
remember not liking it. I just
can't tell you the studio will make
it. Your last few movies didn't do
so well.
GEORGE
I thought they did well overseas.
TERRY
You always do well in Australia,
but that's about it.
GEORGE
What if I do it for no money, just
with back-end?
TERRY
I don't know if that's going to cut
it either. The head of the studio
does a lot of drinking, I don't
think he finds that whole area
funny. Maybe if you commit to do
another one of the Davey movies, I
could tie it to that, so they have
to do both.
GEORGE
I'vedone four Davey movies.They
wantme to do another sequelto
that?We don't even have ascript.
TERRY
Wellthere's this great script
goingaround town, Happy Holidays.
Whichis about an immature 40 year
old man who acts like a kid. In it
he comes home for the holiday
season for the first time in ten
years. And havoc ensues. You get
to make fun of Thanksgiving, and
Hanukkah and Christmas and New
Years. They say they can turn it
into a Davey movie.
GEORGE
Could I at least shoot the Making
Amends movie first?
TERRY
No.
75.
GEORGE
Maybe I'll just write something
myself.
TERRY
I wish you would. You've never
been able to do it in the past.
You always talk a big game about
writing your own shit. But I've
yet to see a script land on my
desk.
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - DUSK
George and Ira are sitting at a large kitchen table. There
is a computer on the table and index cards. On the floor is
a corkboard.
IRA
See, the thing I was thinking,
was...you always play an immature
guy. What if the joke of the movie
is you're incredibly smart,
intellectual and well-mannered.
You just go the opposite way with
it.
GEORGE
There's nothing funny about being
smart. All comedy comes from
immaturity. Buster Keaton, Jerry
Lewis, the Marx Brothers, WC
Fields, Bill Murray, Steve Martin,
Charlie Chaplin. They were all
immature. They were all
knuckleheads. Who wants to see a
smart guy live his life normally?
What's funny about that? What else
you got?
IRA
I. .I gotta go through my notes.
GEORGE
I'm thinking about taking a gig,
and having a solid hit before
getting into breaking new ground.
IRA
Well we'll still write the script,
right?
76,
GEORGE
Yeah, if we can come up with an
idea.
IRA
Let's just keep banging at it.
GEORGE
I can't. I've got a date.
IRA
You have a date? Who do you have a
date with?
GEORGE
This woman my agent set me up with.
She raises money for this
environmental group. I guess she's
like a normal person. I can't live
here alone in this house forever.
I need something of significance in
my life. So I'm gonna go out on
some dates. No pressure.
IRA
You know what you should do, just
as an experiment? You should try
and not fuck her?
GEORGE
Why would you say that?
IRA
Because you're always saying you
don't know if women like you for
who you are. You don't know if
they like you because you have
money or you're famous. Why not
take some time and get to know them
before ass-raping them. In a
romantic way.
GEORGE
That's insulting. Don't take out
your frustrations on me because you
can't get laid by acting like I'm
some sort of deviant. I'm an
adult. I have adult sexual
relationships. No one does what
they don't want to do. Sex is how
people decide if they like each
other. I'm testing my
compatibility by ass-raping them.
77.
IRA
See, you can't do it. You can't
even entertain the idea of getting
to know somebody for a month before
sleeping with them.
GEORGE
That's not true. I'm bored of sex,
anyway. There is literally no body-
part/orifice combination I haven't
experimented with. There is
nothing left to do. There is no
nationalities I haven't.slept with,
no age groups I haven't slept with.
I'm fully ready for normal.
IRA
What nationalities have you slept
with?
GEORGE
US. Canada. Mexico. England.
France. Spain. North Korea. Burma.
Rwanda. Kenya. Tibet. Serbia.
Chechnya. Iran. The Green Zone.
Darfur. The Killing Fields of
Cambodia. Mongolia. What about
you?
IRA
New Jersey. Do handjobs count?
Because then also California.
INT. RESTAURTANT - NIGHT
George is talking with RACHEL WARWICK.
GEORGE
You know, I haven't been out on a
blind date, ever. This may be the
first one.
RACHEL
Oh I go out on them all the time.
I've been on a bunch of J Dates.
GEORGE
What's J Date?
RACHEL
It's a website where Jewish people
find each other.
78.
GEORGE
So it's just a list of all the
Jewish people? I thought we didn't
liked to be tracked and monitored
like that.
She looks at him, doesn't get the joke.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
You know, because of
the... holocaust.
RACHEL
(not understanding)
It's just a great way for like-
minded people to meet.
GEORGE
What if you don't like Jews?
She just stares at him.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
I'm joking.
(a beat)
So, uh, I hear you raise uh money
for an environmental group. That
must be very satisfying.
RACHEL
It is, because, fixing the
environment is really about having
enough of a war chest to sue local
government and corporations so
they're forced to observe the
environmental statutes that are
already on the books. We also try
to put pressure on the government
to put pressure on other countries
to clean up their environmental
act. You know, one dilapidated
factory in China can produce more
pollution than every car in America
puts out in one year.
GEORGE
See? That's why I still drive a
big truck. I stop driving that
truck and that factory shuts down.
"79
RACHEL
(not smiling)
I know you're joking, but it's a
very serious situation. People
like you do a lot of damage to the
environment. Whether it's taking a
private jet by yourself, or getting
driven around town limos around
town or living in your gas-guzzling
houses. Your carbon footprint is
huge.
GEORGE
You know what they say about people
with a big carbon footprint? Big
dick.
INT. IRA'S BEDROOM - MORNING
George comes in and wakes Ira up.
GEORGE
Come on. We're gonna go do a gig
tonight. Up north. And you're
gonna open up for me.
IRA
How big a theater?
GEORGE
I think two thousand.
IRA
You should have told me so I could
have prepared. I've never played a
place that big. How long do you
want me to do?
GEORGE
Twenty minutes. Thirty, if you can
get there.
IRA
Shit.
GEORGE
Dress nice. Tickets are expensive.
IRA
I don't own anything nice.
80.
INT. CAR - DAY
THE
Ira is driving George's Mercedes. George sits in
player.
backseat watching "Cloverfield" on a built-in DVD
We see images of different parts of California.
IRA
How fucking up north is this?
GEORGE
Its near San Francisco.
IRA
So we have like five more hours to
drive?
GEORGE
It's not that far. It's like two
more movies.
IRA
I don't like how you made me your
limo driver. It's weird you're in
the back and I'm up here.
GEORGE
I'd sit up front but the DVD player
is back here.
IRA
I can't even listen to the radio
because you're watching the movie.
Can I sit back there and you drive?
GEORGE
No. I'm near-sighted. I'll miss
the exit.
We Lear an EXPLOSION from the movie.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Holy shit!
IRA
What happened?
GEORGE
The monster showed himself.
81.
IRA
(SARCASTIC)
Great.
EXT. THEATER - DUSK
The car pulls up to the theater.
INT. THEATER - MOMENTS LATER
One of the MANAGERS walks George and Ira through the back of
the theater toward the dressing room. They walk across the
stage and we see the empty 2,000 seat theater. Ira is freaked
out.
INT. DRESSING ROOM
George and Ira are sitting in the dressing room, nibbling
from the fruit tray. There's a knock at the door. A
Security Person escorts Laura into the dressing room. Ira is
thrown.
GEORGE
Hey, you made it.
LAURA
I wouldn't have missed it for the
world, thanks for inviting me.
GEORGE
You remember Ira.
LAURA
Hi Ira. Are you performing
tonight?
IRA
I'm afraid so. I've been told if
I'm good it warms the crowd, and if
I'm bad it makes them want George
more, so...
LAURA
You look great. How are you
feeling?
GEORGE
I'm hanging in there.
82.
LAURA
I thought a lot about you after I
left.
GEORGE
Me too.
LAURA
Well the show is going to start in
a minute, I better get to my seat.
I just wanted to say hi. Don't be
too dirty tonight, you know that
makes me uncomfortable.
GEORGE
Now I have no jokes. Ira, you have
to do an hour and half.
She laughs.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Come by after and give me the
review.
LAURA
Okay. Break a leg.
She exits.
IRA
You didn't tell her that you're not
sick anymore? Why wouldn't you
tell her?
GEORGE
I need you to do something for me.
After your set I gave you a seat
right next to her. During the
intermission I want yQ.u to tell her
I'm not sick anymore.
IRA
Me? Why do you want me to tell
her?
GEORGE
Because it's weird, and emotional.
I think she'll handle it better if
it comes from somebody else. And
then I can talk to her about it
afterwards.
83.
IRA
That's weird.
GEORGE
She'll be happy. It's not weird.
You're the bearer of good news.
IRA
You had to do this to me right
before my set. Like I'm not
nervous enough.
CUT TO:
INT. THEATER
Ira is performing on stage, doing his set. He's doing really
well. This theater crowd is very enthusiastic about being
there and gives him the benefit of the doubt on most of his
jokes. As he continues his set, he gets more confident and,
for the first time in the film, we think he has the potential
to be a strong comic.
INT. THEATER - INTERMISSION
Laura is sitting in her seat by herself. Ira makes his way
across the aisle and sits down next to her.
LAURA
Ira. Oh my gosh. You were so
good.
IRA
You seem surprised.
LAURA
I don't know, you seemed so
nervous. But you were really solid
all the way though, and your ending
hunk really murdered.
IRA
Thank you. Hopefully George won't
be mad if I tired the audience out.
LAURA
I don't think he has anything to
worry about. They always go crazy
for him. Before he got famous, he
used to bomb all the time.
(MORE)
84.
LAURA (CONT'D)
And that's when I think he was the
funniest. And now that everyone
knows him, it's a little too easy
for him, I think. No one was
funnier when the audience hated him
than George. He loved it.
IRA
So you guys were dating right when
he started doing well?
LAURA
Yeah. But you always knew he was
gonna do well. He had so much
charisma. He would walk into a
room and in ten minutes that whole
room would be about him. Even
before anyone knew who he was.
IRA
Where did you meet him?
LAURA
I was the hat-check girl at the
Improv. And I was acting. I used
to do guest spots on all those
shows, like Melrose Place, Beverly
Hills 90210. I always played the
bitch. I don't know why, but I was
on the top of the bitch list.
IRA
You don't seem like a bitch.
LAURA
That's because I was acting.
IRA
Sounds like fun days.
LAURA
It was, for awhile.
Reveal George in the wings trying to get a look at them from
a distance.
IRA
I don't know if you've heard, but
it looks like George's medicine is
working.
LAURA
What do you mean?
85.
IPA
When George got sick they didn't
think they had any medicine that
would help, so they put him on
experimental medicine. And the
last time he went to the doctor
they couldn't detect his blood
disease. They think it might be
gone.
A moment as Laura takes this in.
LAURA
Why didn't George tell me?
IRA
He just found out. He doesn't want
to jinx it. He doesn't want people
to get excited, and then have it
come back again.
The lights go down.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ladies and Gentlemen. Here's the
man you came to see. George
Simmons.
The place EXPLODES.
IRA
(JOKING)
I thought everyone came to see me.
George begins his act. He could not kill harder. Or look
more healthy and charismatic. We can tell it is all a show
for Laura. Laura is completely thrown by this turn of
events.
The content of George's act is meant to portray him in a more
positive, sympathetic light to Laura. He talks about being
sick and the lessons he learned in a very dark, hilarious,
and also uplifting way. All of it is intended to make him
look like he has grown up and become wiser, and someone you
could trust and spend your life with.
INT. DRESSING ROOM - AFTER THE SHOW
Laura is talking to George and Ira.
86.
LAURA
I really don't know what to say.
It's not like you weren't good
before, but your act is so much
more sophisticated, but just as
funny. I've never seen you speak
so honestly on stage before. You
used to say these goofy jokes. It
was really something, you know, and
you should be really proud of
yourself.
GEORGE
Thanks. A lot has happened. And
at least I got some good jokes out
of it.
LAURA
Well, thanks for inviting me. I'm
really glad I came.
GEORGE
Ira and I are driving out of town
tomorrow, I thought maybe we could
stop by your place on our way out.
I want to see what the ranch looks
like, and meet your husband.
LAURA
My husband is actually in China for
another week, or so. He spends a
lot of time there helping American
businesses break into that market.
So you won't meet him this time,
but it would be great if you came
by. That would be fun. I'll give
you the tour.
GEORGE
Okay. We'll come by in the
morning.
LAURA
Okay.
An awkward beat. Laura gives Ira a hug goodbye, then hugs
George goodbye, trying to make it appear as if they have
equal weight.
LAURA (CONT'D)
Bye. I'll see you then.
She looks at Ira. As she exits--
87.
LAURA (CONT'D)
You were good too.
IRA
Why do we have to stop by there
tomorrow? The drive is long enough
as it is.
George opens up his wallet, gives Ira a thousand dollars.
GEORGE
Here's your money for tonight.
Good job.
IRA
I'm excited to see her ranch. I
hear it's delightful.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Ira and George are in a room that has two queen-sized beds.
They each lay on their bed in the dark.
IRA
Why couldn't we have gotten two
different rooms?
GEORGE
What's the fun in that? You can go
pay for your own room, I don't
care.
IRA
So, what happened with you and
Laura? You seem to get along so
well. Why did you cheat on her?
GEORGE
I was young, stupid... and I liked
fucking girls. Why do you think I
cheated? You would do it too if
anyone would fuck you.
IRA
How many times did you cheat on
her?
GEORGE
Two or three times ...a week ...for a
couple of years.
88.
IRA
Jesus.
GEORGE
It was awful. There was even
marriage talk. My parents didn't
want me to do it because she wasn't
Jewish. She was taking classes to
convert, even. I mean, how cool is
that? She was changing religions
to be with me. She knew more about
being a Jew than I did from those
classes. She was so cute when she
spoke Hebrew, it sounded so wrong.
George says the Jewish grand prayer with a waspy accent.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
And then one day, somebody told
her, I don't know who. And that was
that.
IRA
Why do you want to go see her
tomorrow? We could do something
productive like get some writing
done.
GEORGE
I like her. I love her. I miss
her. I just want to spend a little
time with her. I know nothing will
come of it. I just miss being
around her.
A beat. George starts clicking through Video On--Demand adult
movies.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Anything looking good to you?
IRA
I don't want to watch adult movies
with you.
GEORGE
okay. You want to watch Juno?
IRA
Okay.
89.
Juno begins playing.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY
George and Ira drive up to the house. It's a large one-story
house that is part of a ranch with a lot of land and a horse
stable.
They walk to the front door, ring the doorbell. George seems;
a little nervous.
IRA
You okay, buddy?
GEORGE
Yeah, of course I am.
Laura opens the door.
LAURA
Hi? We've been waiting for you.
Come on in.
INT. LAURA'S RANCH - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE
This place is beautiful.
LAURA
Thanks. We've been here for five
years. I think I just finished
decorating it.
She leads them through the living room into a huge open
kitchen. On the island, there is freshly squeezed lemonade,
chips and dip. She has over-prepared for their arrival.
IRA
Can I live here?
LAURA
of course, you can clean the
stables.
GEORGE
You have horses?
90.
LAURA
Yes. Clarke, my husband, was a
real city boy. But for some reason
he loves horses. Of course I'm
lef t to take care of them. But
yes, we have three horses.
IRA
That's crazy, owning a horse. I
can't even keep a goldfish alive.
GEORGE
All right, well, we're ready for
the big tour. I want to see how
you live.
Suddenly, Laura's five-year-old daughter INGRID runs into the
room and she's pissed.
INGRID
Mom! You said you were coming
back! We're playing American Idol,
you're ruining the game!
Ira is shocked to see that Laura has a child. This
complicates a situation he already thought was getting too
complicated.
LAURA
I'll come right up. This is my
friend, George. And Ira.
INGRID
It's my turn to sing and you're
supposed to be the judge and you're
not in there and I'm very angry!
IRA
How old are you?
INGRID
Five. But I turn six very soon.
IRA
Really? Because I thought you were
like nine, about to turn ten.
GEORGE
She's very pretty.
(to Ingrid)
I like your hair.
INGRID
I'm so sick of people telling me
they like my hair.
George is clearly not that good with kids.
GEORGE
Okay. I do not like your hair.
INGRID
Don't make fun of me.
LAURA
He's just joking Ingrid.
IRA
My hair. I have curly hair too.
Curly hair is the best.
INGRID
Last week my mom straightened it
and it almost went to the floor.
IRA
If you straighten my hair, I look
crazy. I look like the killer from
No Country for Old Men. Have you
seen that movie?
MABLE, Laura's ten-year-old daughter storms into the room.
MABLE
You guys left me all alone in the
playroom! If you're gonna leave
I'm just gonna go talk on the
webcam with Caroline.
LAURA
Don't be rude. This is Ira and
George.
MABLE
Oh, I know you. My mom watches
your movies all the time. But most
of them I'm not allowed to see.
George smiles at Ira--Laura's a little busted.
GEORGE
Oh, really? Do you like them?
Which one's your favorite?
92.
MABLE
I don't know. I don't really like
the ones I'm allowed to see, but I
think I would like the ones I'm not
allowed to see. But she says I
cant' see them till I'm sixteen.
GEORGE
Sixteen? Just fast-forward past
the bad parts.
LAURA
The whole thing is a bad part.
George LAUGHS in a slightly flirty fashion with Laura. Ira is
getting uncomfortable with the subtext.
LAURA (CONT' D )
C'mon, let's finish the game.
INT. PLAYROOM
George, Ira, Laura, and Mable are sitting on the floor.
Ingrid stands on a make-shift stage singing a Miley Cyrus
song while wearing a feather boa and sunglasses and a red
wig.
INGRID
(SINGS)
You've got the best of both worlds.
Rock it out take it slow. And then
you rock out the show!
Everyone applauds for her.
LAURA
Okay. Now it's time to see what
the judges say. I thought you had
a lot of energy, you're clearly
gonna make it to the final four,
and I love your outfit. What do
you think, Randy?
IRA
Yo, dawg. That was the bomb. It
was a little pitchy in places, but
I dug it. I really dug it.
MABLE
.I'm Simon, and I thought it was
horrible. I don't how you made it
this far in the competition.
(MORE)
9 1
MABLE (CONT'D)
I think Paula is drunk. You will
never be American Idol.
LAURA
Mable, stop it. Stop being mean to
your sister. Say something nice.
MABLE
(ANNOYED)
You were good.
LAURA
Okay, you're not Simon anymore.
(to George)
Simon, what did you think?
GEORGE
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I agree with Paula. I think
you're the one to beat.
They all applaud. Ira notices Laura looking at George with
admiring eyes that reek of more than friendship.
LAURA
Okay Mable, you're up.
Mable instantly starts gyrating in a manner that is not
appropriate for a ten-year-old and singing the Fergie song
"London Bridge."
MABLE
(SINGING)
I want to go down like London,
London.
LAURA
I told you not to do that. Simon,
what do you think?
INGRID
She was horrible! She's a terrible
singer! She's inappropriate!
LAURA
Okay, who's next? Randy?
IRA
I don't know, Dawg. It was a bad
song choice. I'm not feeling it.
GEORGE
My turn. Get ready to be blown
away.
94.
George gets up on stage.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
(SINGING)
Take me down to the paradise city.
Where the grass is green and the
girls are pretty. Oh, won't you
please take me home.
(FASTER)
Just an urchin livin' under the
street, I'm a hard case that's
tough to beat. I'm your charity
case so buy me somethin' to eat.
I'll pay you at another time! Take
it to the end of the line!
MABLE
Boo!
INGRID
Boo!
GEORGE
What? It's Paradise City, by Guns
and Roses.
INGRID
You sound like a girl!
MABLE
Vote him off!
EXT. RANCH - DAY
Laura sits on a ATV. George sits behind her. Ira is on
another ATV with Ingrid sitting in front of him, as he
steers. Mable rides a very small dirt bike.
LAURA
All right! Here we go.
They start driving down a path that goes around the edge of
the ranch. George has his hands around Laura's waist as they
drive. Ira looks over, concerned.
INT. BARN - DAY
Laura shows them their horses, chickens, goats and ducks.
95.
EXT. RANCH - DAY
Laura points out a small pond and a fenced-in riding area.
Laura slows down and allows Ira, Mable and Ingrid to get
ahead and turn a corner. Then she stops the ATV and turns
around and kisses George.
George looks surprised, but happy. Laura just stares at him,
trying to decide what she makes of him now. Then we hear
O.S.
MABLE (O.S.)
Mom! Mom!
Laura hits the gas and they continue the tour.
INT. LAURA'S RANCH - LATER
The kids are playing in the background as George, Laura and
Ira talk.
GEORGE
Ira, Laura invited us to stay over
for dinner.
IRA
But it's like a seven, eight hour
drive home. If we stay for dinner,
we're not going to get home till
like four in the morning.
George stares at Ira for a beat, then --
GEORGE
Don't worry, we'll figure it out.
You have something to do in the
morning?
IRA
No.
GEORGE
Then everything will be fine.
LAURA
Me and George are gonna go to the
supermarket and buy some food so I
can cook dinner. You think you'll
be okay watching the kids? It'll
only take forty-five minutes.
96.
IRA
Sure. I'm great with kids. I was
a camp counselor for five years.
Camp Winadu. Kids love me. I'm
like a human teddy bear.
CUT TO:
INT. LAURA'S SUV - DAY
Laura is driving through town. George sits in the passenger
seat.
GEORGE
This town is so small and adorable.
It's like out of a Demi Moore
movie.
LAURA
Clarke's company is about forty-
five minutes from here. This town
seemed so perfect when we were
looking for a house. There's no
traffic, there's one coffee house,
one bookstore, one market. No
crime. But after you've lived her
a few years you hunger for another
coffee shop, a bigger bookstore,
and a little crime. It gets so
boring. And it's such a small
town, God forbid you miss one of
you kid's soccer games, they put
the scarlet letter on you.
GEORGE
it can't be that bad. You live on
a pretty little ranch. You have
horses, a duck. It must be a nice
life.
LAURA
We used to have so much fun. I
don't think I have that much fun
anymore. I don't like who I'm
turning into. Is the fun over? I
have to get up every morning at
six, drive my kids to school and
then I have 6 hours before I have
to pick them up. I have to yell at
them to do their homework, be a
taskmaster, then I make them
dinner.
(MORE)
97.
LAURA (CONT'D)
It takes an hour to shower them and
put them to bed. And then it's
8:30 and I pass out. And it's
great, but tuck. And when both
kids are done with high school I'll
be 49 years old, and then I'll have
probably 6 very healthy years, then
I'll kind of slow down and then
I'll be an old woman. And that was
it. And it's great, but fuck.
GEORGE
I couldn't believe you moved out of
LA. You were getting some good
jobs as an actress. You got to
play the bitch on Melrose Place for
awhile and make out with Andrew
Shue. That was pretty good. Do you
miss it?
LAURA
Yes. Being a mom is very
fulfilling, but there are other
parts of me and every once in
awhile I go a little crazy.
GEORGE
How do you go crazy?
LAURA
I just get bored and depressed.
And you know how my PMS is kind of
out of control. This little boy
hit Ingrid in school, and his mom
acted like she didn't care at all,
so I told her to fuck off.
They both laugh.
GEORGE
Oh, that must have gotten ugly.
How long did that stay awkward for?
LAURA
(JOKING)
Always. That woman hates me. And
I hate her. And now our kids
really like each other, so it's
really fucked up.
GEORGE
Maybe you weren't acting on Melrose
Place.
98.
She laughs.
LAURA
Screw you.
INT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY
Ira, Mable and Ingrid are making elaborate paper mache heads.
As they do it, Ira is leading them in the type of song you
would sing at camp.
INT. LAURA'S SUV - DAY
LAURA
And my husband cheated on me, said
he did it once but I know because I
learned from you, they do it once,
they do it all the time. You
either cheat or you don't.
GEORGE
well I don't anymore. I haven't
cheated on anybody since you. I
haven't even been in a committed
relationship since you, so it's
impossible for me to have cheated.
LAURA
That's both flattering and deeply
disturbing.
GEORGE
I thought a lot about you when I
was sick, and I would do anything
for another chance. I know it
creates a mess, but I think it
would be worth it. I think we both
know it's what we should be doing.
He kisses her.
LAURA
We can't go the supermarket.
GEORGE
Why?
LAURA
Because people will see us.
99.
GEORGE
So? What's wrong with that?
LAURA
Well it'll be weird because we're
about to do something we shouldn't
do.
EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - DAY
Ira, Mable and Ingrid are outside at a table building houses
out of Popsicle sticks.
IRA
If you had an Exacto knife we could
cut these sticks in half and make a
chimney.
MABLE
(SADLY)
When is George gonna die?
INGRID
George is gonna die?
IRA
Why would you say that?
MABLE
I heard my mom talking to her
friend about it on the phone and
crying.
INGRID
I don't want George to die.
MABLE
What do you care? You just met
him.
IRA
George is gonna be fine.
MABLE
They told me my grandfather
wouldn't die, but he did.
IRA
Here's the truth. George was
really sick.
(MORE)
100.
IRA (CONT'D)
But he went to the doctor and they
found the right medicine and now
he's better. And he's gonna live a
long time.
The kids buy it, and Ira seems relieved.
MABLE
I think my mom's in love with him.
Ira looks doubly disturbed. He quickly goes back to his
popsicle sticks.
EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - GUEST HOUSE
George and Laura park in the driveway, then sneak around to a
back guest house.
INT. GUEST HOUSE - DAY
George and Laura enter the guest house, which has been turned
into her husband's office/playroom/sports-viewing room. On
the wall are six enormous flatscreen TVs. The room is also
filled with sports memorabilia in Lucite cases and expensive
looking sports photography.
GEORGE
Does somebody in your family like
sports?
They start passionately making out, slamming into the
flatscreens.
LAURA
I really never thought I was going
to see you again. I grieved for
you like you were dead.
They continue to kiss. Suddenly she stops.
LAURA (CONT'D)
I can't do this.
GEORGE
Then let's not do it.
She stares at him, trying to figure out what he's become-- is
he a good guy or a bad guy?
LAURA
I gotta get back to the kids.
101.
INT. LAtJRA'S RANCH - ENTRYWAY - DAY
Laura and George are walking into the house. They are not
holding any bags. They walk into the living room where Ira
is making a Spongebob SquarePants puzzle on the floor with
Mable and Ingrid.
IRA
You're back. That was quick.
GEORGE
The town is beautiful.
IRA
Where are the groceries?
LAURA
We decided ordering in might be a
little more fun.
INT. LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER
Everyone is sitting on the couch watching Ratatouille on the
television. They see car lights in the driveway.
LAURA
Food's here! All right, everybody.
Let's sit down at the kitchen
table.
Everyone gets up and heads toward the kitchen. Laura opens
the front door, George is a few steps behind her. A handsome
man of forty appears. This is not the pizza guy. It's
CLARKS, Laura's husband.
LAURA (CONT'D)
Clarke, oh my gosh. What are you
doing home?
CLARKE
The man I was supposed to have a
meeting with had a heart attack, if
you can believe that. So I decided
to try and sneak home for a few
days before my next set of
meetings.
George appears behind Laura, not knowing what he's getting
himself into.
102.
GEORGE
Oh. Hello.
CLARKE
Hello.
LAURA
Oh, Clarke. George had a
performance last night in town,
which I went to, and him and his
opening act, Ira, came by to say
hello on their way out of town.
There is an awkward moment, then Clarke smiles and gives
George a compassionate look, the type of look you give a man
you think is dying.
CLARKE
It is really nice to meet you,
George. Laura talks about you all
the time, and we're obviously big
fans of your movies.
GEORGE
Well, thank you. You've got a
great family and a great home.
LAURA
I'm so glad you're home, honey.
Laura gives Clarke a hug and a peck. Then Ira walks over.
IRA
What's taking so long with the
pizza?
Before anyone can say anything the PIZZA DELIVERY GUY appears
in the doorway.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY
Hi. That'll be twenty-eight forty-
seven, please.
INT. KITCHEN - EARLY EVENING
Everyone is seated for dinner, including the kids.
IRA
(NERVOUSLY)
This is really great pizza. Thank
you very much.
(MORE)
103.
IRA (CCNT'D)
It tastes just like New York pizza,
which is so surprising because you
can't get good pizza in Los
Angeles, so you wouldn't think you
could get it in Northern
California. But this really tastes
like New York pizza.
A long pause.
GEORGE
Sounds like your business is going
very well.
CLARKE
People never thought China would do
this much business with us, you
know, but it didn't seem like a
risky proposition for me. They've
got a billion people, we make all
kinds of cool shit in America,
they start finding out about it on
the internet and what-not. Sooner
or later they're gonna find a way
to get our shit.
LAURA
He speaks Chinese. For real.
Ingrid yells at something in Chinese.
CLARKE
You don't think they want new
mobile phones? A new X-box? I'm
trying to get access into North
Korea, no shit. That situation
could chance overnight. That is a
huge market waiting to be tapped.
It's already starting in Cuba.
IRA
My friend backpacked across China
and he caught some sort of virus or
something from what he ate. He was
sickforweeks. He still has it.
It'sthekind of thing you can't
getridof, you have it for the
restofyour life, but it stays
dormant.
CLARKE
So, George. How are you holding
up?
104.
GEORGE
Uh...I'm hanging in there.
CLARKE
How are you feeling?
LAURA
He's doing really well. He's been
very strong.
CLARKE
It's a terrible situation. I'm so
sorry.
GEORGE
I appreciate that.
LAURA
He's been fighting the good fight.
His doctors are taking very good
care of him.
Ira can believe this conversation is happening.
CLARKE
You're a tougher man than me. I
don't know how I could go about my
day with that hanging over my head.
GEORGE
It just makes you appreciate every
moment. It brings things into
focus, you suddenly realize what's
important in life.
LAURA
Does anybody want seconds? Or
should I bring out the desert?
IRA
I'd love desert. What do you have?
Do you have any ice cream or cake,
or anything like that? I have a
real big sweet tooth right now.
Why don't we go into the kitchen
and do an ice cream bar with kids
right now? I've got a better idea,
I make a really good milkshake. We
should all go make milkshakes with
the kids right now in the kitchen.
105.
TNT. LIVING ROOM
Empty milkshakes litter the coffee table.
CLARKE
Do you know who might be able to
help you? A Chinese doctor. Have
you explored Eastern medicine at
all?
LAURA
Now's not the time to talk about
this.
CLARKE
I'm trying to help the man.
GEORGE
No, I haven't.
CLARKE
Hey. I'm the last guy who would
buy into that shit, but it works.
LAURA
He really is the last guy who would
buy into that shit.
CLARKE
Our country's only two hundred
years old. The Chinese have been
around for thousand of years
figuring this shit out. How I got
into it, I had acid ref lux and
nothing was working and then this
guy at work turned me onto a
Chinese doctor and he gave me some
herbs that tasted like dogshit, but
they worked.
LAURA
(NERVOUSLY)
I take herbs for my PMS. They
really helped.
MABLE
Daddy, you've been cursing a lot.
You owe me a dollar for every
curse. I think you owe me fifty
dollars.
106.
INGRID
This conversation is scaring me. I
don't want George to die.
CLARKE
You girls can go play in the other
room. The Chinese have a completely
different way of looking at health.
They don't think doctors should
attack the diseases in the body,
they're all about trying to support
the body and make it stronger, so
the body can fight off the disease.
It works. I've seen it. I wish I
could find a way to mass-market
Chinese medicine in this country.
Someone's gonna do it and make a
fuck-load of money. Because these
people get old, really old. You
can't kill these people.
IRA
Either that or they're all young
and they just look like shit.
Clarke laughs.
CLARKE
This guy's funny. You should be
opening up for this guy. Hey, who
wants a drink?
EXT. RANCH - NIGHT
Everyone is taking a walk around the ranch. It is very
pretty outside.
CLARKE
I'm going to retire in seven years.
I'm done. I'm playing golf for the
next fifty years. Work hard now,
then get out. That's my plan. I'm
putting in the time. Then I'm
getting the fuck out. I don't like
working. I will do it. I like
what it gets me. But I don't like
it.
GEORGE
You ever see Laura act? She was
quite an actress in her day.
107.
LAURA
George, stop.
CLARKE
That's what I hear. Can't say I
watched that much 'Melrose Place'
back in the day. She keeps telling
me to watch the videos but, you
know, I was never a big 'Party of
Five' fan.
LAURA
Well, I also ran a theatre company.
And it was down to me and Cameron
Diaz for 'The Mask.' I sacrificed
a lot for our family.
CLARKE
Okay, if you say so.
(a beat)
The Mask was a funny fucking movie.
You know what other movie Cameron
Diaz was great in? 'There's
Something About Mary.'
Laura looks livid at her husband's insensitivity and
disrespect. They keep walking.
CLARKE (CONT'D)
I love walking it off after a big
meal.
GEORGE
It's beautiful here at night.
LAURA
There's no pollution here like in
LA so you can actually see the
stars.
IRA
They are beautiful, but we have to
get going. We have a really long
drive to get back to Los Angeles.
CLARKE
You can't leave now, you won't get
back until daylight. You should
crash in the guest house. I'm sure
it not as fancy pants as where you
live, George, but it's better than
driving all night or crashing at a
hotel.
(MORE)
108.
CLARKE (CONT'D)
And if you want to hang out
tomorrow I just installed six
flatscreens, we can watch all the
football games we want. And dog-
racing from Florida. There's a big
game tomorrow. Ira, you must have
played some ball in your day.
IRA
No, I'm just big-boned.
GEORGE
We probably should get some rest
before the drive. All right, show
us to our quarters, sir.
INT. GUEST BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
George sleeps on the bed. Ira sleeps on a couch across the
room. The door slowly opens, Laura enters wearing a bathrobe.
She walks to the bed and quietly slips under the covers,
removing her bathrobe in the process. Without ever speaking,
she pulls the covers over both of them and begins to make
love to him. George is surprised but not completely shocked
and goes along happily with it.
ANGLE ON: Ira, he never wakes up.
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
CLARKE
You sure you can't stay?
IRA
We really do need to get back. I
have to visit my mom. I can't miss
it. It's her birthday. Everyone
in my family is coming in from
across the country for it. She's
turning 65. It's very important we
get back for it.
LAURA
That's too bad, I wish you could
stay.
CLARKE
(very serious)
I wish I could say I was gonna see
you again, but I can't say that.
His eyes start to mist up.
109.
LAURA
Clarke, don't. You don't need to
do that.
CLARKE
You know what? I think I do need
to do that. One thing I learned in
China from some Buddhist friends of
mine is it's important to have an
open heart, to live in the moment,
and to speak the truth to each
other. So I'd like to say to you,
George, that it was a great
pleasure to meet someone who had
such a big impact on my wife's
life. I really like you. And wish
we had more time to get to know
each other. And I wish you a
peaceful end to your journey. And
another great journey on the other
side of it.
Clarke hugs George.
GEORGE
I really don't know what to say. I
re- ally don't know what to say.
LAURA
That was beautiful, honey. Well
let me walk them to the car.
Ingrid walks over.
INGRID
Don't be sad. Ira told us that his
medicine is working and he's not
sick anymore.
MABLE
I think that was a secret. I don't
think you were supposed to say
that.
CLARKE
Mable, take Ingrid into the house.
MABLE
Can we watch another SpongeBob
movie? Atlantis.Squarepantis?
110.
CLARKE
Yes. Go into the house and watch a
movie now!
Mable and Ingrid walk back to the house.
CLARKE (CONT'D)
What the fuck is going on around
here?
(to Laura)
Is that true?
LAURA
I never said that he was still
sick. He just took some medicine
and it's looking better. You can't
detect it in his blood, but it
could come back.
CLARKE
Is it looking better? Or is he
better?
(to Ira)
Is he sick anymore?
IRA
Well ...I don't how you define these
things-I'm not... sure.
CLARKE
is something going on here? Are
you getting your revenge on me
while I'm away? I came clean with
you, you can't come clean with me.
LAURA
You know what? I don't know what I
want now.
IRA
Oh shit.
It's ON.
CLARKE
So this is what you want? Was he
ever sick in the first place?
IRA
He was sick. He was very sick.
CLARKE
Because if this is what you want,
I'll leave right now. I'm not
going to play these games. I'm
happy to leave. I'm not gonnna
have you put me on the cross
because I made some mistakes. You
guys enjoy each other. I could
give a fuck. If you need me, I'll
be at my apartment in China.
Clarke leaves.
INT. CHILDREN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mable and Ingrid are asleep.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Laura is alone in her room, crying. (she might be on the
phone, talking honestly with a friend.)
INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
George lays on the bed. Ira is pacing around the room.
IRA
What the fuck is going on? Did you
guys do something?
GEORGE
We had sex in Clarke's office.
IRA
Why?
GEORGE
Because I love her. She's the best
thing that's ever happened to me.
IRA
But she has two kids, she's
married.
GEORGE
She's miserable. He cheated on
her.
IRA
You cheated on her.
112.
GEORGE
Yeah, but that was a long time ago.
I've changed. You saw that douche
bag. You don't think he's fucking
geishas on every business trip?
IRA
He was trying to cure you with
herbs. He seems like a great guy.
GEORGE
This is none of your fucking
business. Just stay out of it.
IRA
I can't stay out of it. We took
your car here. I have no way of
leaving.
GEORGE
This shit is deeper than you
understand. People get divorced.
People make mistakes and then they
fix them. That's how life works.
It's not a big deal. I know you're
still sad because your parents got
divorced. Well get the fuck over
it. Call a fucking cab and go
home.
IRA
So what are we gonna do?
GEORGE
You're gonna sleep in Clarke's
office. I'm gonna go talk to
Laura.
INT. LAURA'S STUDY - LATER
George walks into the room, discovers Laura on the computer,
going through papers. She is smoking a joint.
GEORGE
On, there you are. I've been
looking for you.
LAURA
I've been going through all the
bank statements, trying to figure
out which are in his name and which
are in mine.
(MORE)
113
LAURA (CONT-C)
Almost all the accounts are in his
name. I wonder if he did that on
purpose.
GEORGE
Are you smoking a joint?
LAURA
Yeah. My best friend Nancy grows
this stuff on a hill by her house.
You want some?
GEORGE
No, that stuff makes me paranoid.
LAURA
Not me. It makes me feel sharper,
Some people get tired, I get more
energy, more clear.
GEORGE
What's happening?
LAURA
What's happening? Whatever we want
to happen is gonna happen now. I'm
free. I'm fucking free.
Laura gets up, kisses him.
LAURA (CONT'D)
We're free.
GEORGE
(NERVOUSLY)
Yeah, we're free.
They start kissing again. She starts to moan loudly.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Not so loud, your kids are
sleeping.
LAURA
A tank could roll through this
place, it wouldn't wake them up.
They kiss some more. She moans louder.
INT. LAURA'S RANCH - GUEST ROOM
Ira calls Daisy on the phone, in a panic about what is
happening.
114.
DAISY (V.0.)
Hello?
IRA
(on phone)
Hey, Daisy. It's Ira.
DAISY (V.0.)
Oh. Ira. What's going on?
IRA
I just wanted to talk to you
because I'm in the middle of a
terrible situation and I don't have
anyone I can talk about it with.
My friends are all mad at me and
George is kind of losing his mind.
DAISY (V.0.)
You can tell me, what is it?
IRA
Look, I know you think I have the
moral code of some guy from the 50s
like Dwight Eisenhower, but I'm
with George and he's hitting on his
ex-girlfriend who's married now and
has kids and I don't know what to
do. I'm kind of freaking out. I
think I'm having a panic attack.
DAISY (V.0.)
Well don't have a panic attack,
that's not going to help anything.
IRA
Well telling me to not have a panic
attack is not going to stop it.
DAISY (V.0.)
(screaming at the top of
her lungs)
DON'T HAVE A PANIC ATTACK!!!
IRA
Haha, very funny.
DAISY (V.0.)
Seriously, what's going on?
IRA
Well I guess they dated like ten
years ago...
115.
Ira and Daisy begin to have a bonding conversation.
MUSIC UP - MUSIC THAT MAKES IT FEEL LIKE A NEW DAY, THE
BEGINNING OF A NEW ERA.
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
Laura, George, Ira, Mable and Ingrid are happily cooking and
eating breakfast. They look like a happy, strange kid of
family.
EXT. RANCH - DAY
Numerous images of them horse-back riding. Ira looks
terrified.
EXT. POND - DAY
They are all fishing, feeding ducks.
INT. GROVE - DAY
They pick lemons out of a tree.
EXT. WOODS - DAY
They are riding ATVs while their dogs chase them.
EXT. WOODS - DAY
The kids are climbing a tree. Laura is spotting them.
George pulls Ira aside.
GEORGE
(EXHAUSTED)
Jesus Christ, what time is it
already?
IRA
It's 10:15 in the morning.
GEORGE
Oh my god. Really? I mean, this
is fun, but I don't know how much I
can take. Hopefully they'll take a
nap at some point. I want to take
a nap.
116.
IRA
They don't look that tired.
The kids are yelling and screaming and clearly have eight
more hours in them.
INT. RESTAURTANT - DAY
George, Laura, Ira, and the kids are seated at a table. The
kids are coloring with crayons.
MABLE
Look what I did. I want this hung
up on the wall.
She shows them the picture, which is clearly not appropriate
for the wall: a picture of herself choking and dying.
MABLE (CONT'D)
The food here made me sick.
INGRID
Mama, I have to go to the bathroom.
Come wipe my butt.
LAURA
I have to talk to them for a
minute. Mable, go wipe your
sister's butt.
MABLE
She can do it. She's almost six.
That's weird.
Ingrid and Mable walk off together.
IRA
I wet the bed til I was eleven. It
wasn't even a mental thing. I just
got relaxed when I was asleep.
LAURA
I spoke to Clarke. He's going to
fly back to China tonight. I was
thinking about driving to the
airport and meeting him there and
telling him that when he comes
back, he should find another place
to live.
117.
GEORGE
That's great. Are you okay doing
that?
LAURA
Yes. It's what I want. I just
need to figure out when we would
move down to LA. It might be
better to let the kids finish out
the school year because I have to
apply to the private schools in LA,
and I don't know if I missed the
deadline. Then I'd have to look
into the charter schools.
Sometimes these private schools, if
you give them a donation, they let
your kids in. Maybe you can stay
up here for part of the year if I
can't make it happen.
GEORGE
Sure. If I'm not shooting a movie,
or on tour or something, that would
be great.
Laura leans in and kisses George. George is not big on
public displays of affection. He kisses back, but you can
tell that he's very uncomfortable.
They hear the kids headed back to the table and quickly
separate.
MABLE
I made her wipe her own butt.
INGRID
I did it, but I don't know if I did
a good job.
(to George)
Look at what I drew. I drew a
picture of you. Look? Show Mama.
George holds it up. It is a picture of several people.
INGRID (CONT'D)
That's you. That's George. That's
Mommy. And Daddy. And me. And
Mable. That's all of us.
We see the picture, and it is everybody holding hands.
118.
INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY
George and Ira are walking around a very small bookstore.
GEORGE
This is a small bookstore. They've
only got one Philip Roth book.
Didn't he write like fifty books?
IRA
So when are we going to go home?
You're not talking at all about
when we're going to go home.
GEORGE
She's going to talk to Clarke
tonight, and then she's going to
make a plan. We've got to get over
that hurdle.
IRA
Are you okay with everything? This
is happening pretty fast.
GEORGE
This is exactly what I wanted.
IRA
Okay.
GEORGE
I mean, she's cool, right?
IRA
She's nice. I don't really know
her very well.
GEORGE
She was kind of cooler when I knew
her back in the day. She's still
hot, but she was crazy hot back
then. Her attitude has changed a
bit. With the kids and all. Back
then she was really sexy, and all
about fucking. I know she's busy
with her life now, but it is a
little different.
IRA
Yeah, well when you have two kids
and a husband, and horses and
ducks, it's not all about fucking.
(MORE)
119,
IRA (CONT'D)
That's just the hormones of youth.
I'm all about fucking. But I don't
expect to be when I get older.
I'll be occasionally about fucking,
which is normal. The fact that
you're all about fucking now is the
weird thing.
GEORGE
Well hopefully everything will work
out. If it doesn't, it just wasn't
meant to be.
IRA
What does that mean?
GEORGE
It means I'm going to give it a
shot. I'm excited, but I'm not
going to really know if it works
until we're in it. I hope I'm just
not in love with the person she
used to be.
IRA
She's about to leave her husband
for good. She has two kids.
You're not sure this is going to
work?
GEORGE
There's no way to ever be sure that
anything's going to work! I
couldn't live up here. She wants
me to live up here. I don't think
I can do it. Maybe a couple of
weeks a year.
IRA
Well, she'll live with you.
GEORGE
Do you think she means that she's
going to bring the kids too?
IRA
Of course. What else would she do?
GEORGE
I don't know, don't some men get
custody of the kids? Or they split
the custody? I like the kids, but
I've never lived with kids before.
(MORE)
120.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
The young one's kind of cute, but I
don't think I can stand the old one
full time. There's too much going
on there. But I could definitely
tolerate the young one. She's
cute. Maybe they can split kids.
Maybe Clarke will take the annoying
one.
Ira just stares at him, not sure what to do.
EXT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT
George kisses Laura, and then she gets in her car.
LAURA
I'll be back in an hour and a half,
tops. And then it all begins.
GEORGE
Okay, call me if you need any
backup.
LAURA
I love you.
GEORGE
(really uncomfortable)
I.. . love you.
The car drives off.
INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT
Ira is on the floor with the kids. He watches the headlights
of Laura's car disappear down the driveway.
George walks back into the room.
GEORGE
Okay, I'm going to go into the
other room and watch some TV.
IRA
You don't want to hang with the
kids?
GEORGE
Nah, I was going to watch four
hockey games at once. I've never
done that.
121.
IRA
okay, but I've got to run out and
grab some cigarettes.
GEORGE
But you don't smoke.
IRA
I never smoked in front of you
because you were sick. But I do.
INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT
Ira drives in a panic.
IRA
Holy shit, holy shit. Where's the
fucking airport around here?
Ira tries to figure out how to work the navigation system in
a panic. He can't make it work.
INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT
George is watching the kids. He is not good with them, so it
is very weird.
INGRID (O.S.)
George! Help!
George jumps up and runs to her. She is in the bathroom
sitting on the toilet.
INGRID (CONT'D)
Can you wipe my butt?
GEORGE
Don't you know how to do it?
INGRID
I don't do it good.
GEORGE
(RELUCTANTLY)
Okay.
INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT
Ira is still messing with the navigation system. He finally
gets frustrated and punches it.
12-) .
Ira yells to someone on the street.
IRA
How do you get to the fucking
airport?!
INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT
George calls Ira, gets voice mail.
GEORGE
Where are you, where are you? You
have to come back here. I need
your help. I don't know how to do
this.
He walks back to where the kids are. They are watching tv.
All around the room are family pictures. He is beginning to
feel bad about what is happening.
INT./EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT
Laura gets to check-in, looks around. She does not see
Clarke.
INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
George is sitting at the kitchen table. Mable walks over.
MABLE
I think my mom and dad are getting
a divorce. I don't want my parents
to get divorced. All my friends'
parents are divorced, and they're
not happy.
GEORGE
Why would you say that?
MABLE
I heard my mom talking to her
friend. I listened through the
wall. She was looking for a lawyer.
He cheated on her. What does
cheating mean? That he's going to
marry someone else? Why don't they
just try harder?
123.
INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT
Laura looks for Clarke at the news stand.
INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT
George is on the phone.
GEORGE
Laura, it's George. Come back to
the house. Maybe you shouldn't do
it. Maybe it's too early for this.
Call the house.
INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT
Laura walks into the airport lounge. She sees Clarke. She
looks at him for a moment, then heads over to him with
determination.
EXT./INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT
Ira parks in the no-standing zone. He gets out and starts
walking into the airport. His phone rings, he answers. It's
George.
GEORGE (V.0.)
Where are you?
IRA
I'm getting cigarettes.
GEORGE (V.0.)
You've been gone for forty minutes.
IRA
I got lost. I don't know this
town.
GEORGE (V.O.)
Well come back. I don't know how
to take care of these kids, I'm not
a camp counselor like you. These
kids are on to me. The older one's
too intense. She's troubled.
She's like Damien, from the Omen.
I need help.
124.
IRA
Ok, I'll hurry back.
INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT
Ira runs around the airport, looking for Laura and Clarke.
INT. AIRPORT - FIRST CLASS LOUNGE - NIGHT
Laura is talking to Clarke, emotional. Clarke is crying.
CLARKS
I'm so sorry. This only happened
because of me. It's all my fault.
I made you feel terrible. I made
you feel unsafe in our
relationship. I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
Ira stands there, staring at them.
LAURA
I'm sorry too. I love you so much.
It was just a flirtation. It never
went anywhere. It's just after you
cheated on me, I felt so alone.
And you were gone so often that I
felt like our life doesn't work.
CLARKE
Then I have to make a change. I'll
stop most of the traveling.
There's nothing more important than
you and the kids.
Ira starts to turn to sneak away. Clarke sees him.
CLARKE (CONT'D)
Ira! What's going on? What are
you doing here?
IRA
Oh, I'm just headed back to Los
Angeles. I've got some spots at
the Improv I've got to do this
weekend.
LAURA
(under her breath)
Oh, fuck.
12-5.
CLARKE
You're headed back to Los Angeles?
Then why are you at the
International terminal?
IRA
This is the International terminal?
I'm so confused, I've never been to
this airport before.
CLARKE
Yeah, this is the Air China First
Class Lounge.
REVEAL that everyone else in the lounge is Chinese.
CLARKE (COIN' D )
What the fuck is going on? What
the fuck is going on, Laura?
LAURA
I don't know what to say.
CLARKE
Tel- me the truth ! Just tell me
the tri.t_h.;_
LAURA
I came here to tell you that I
wanted you to move out when you
came home. But I realized this was
a mistake, so I didn't say it.
Please don't hold that against me.
We've worked everything out.
Everything is fine.
CLARKE
Who's watching the kids? Who's
watching the fucking kids?
IRA
An adult is watching them.
CLARKE
Is George watching our fucking
kids? I will kill him.
Clarke runs off.
IRA
What the hell happened?
12 6
LAURA
Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck
out of my life! You and George
have to get the fuck out of my
life. You are ruining everything!
IRA
Uh oh.
Ira runs out of the lounge. Laura runs out also.
INT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
George with the kids. Oblivious to what is happening.
EXT. AIRPORT - MOMENTS LATER
Ira comes back out, his car is about to be towed.
IRA
No, no, no! I'm here. I'm here.
INT./EXT. CLARKE'S CAR
Clarke drives home, pissed off.
INT./EXT. LAURA'S SUV
Laura drives home, quickly.
INT. IRA'S CAR
Ira drives, in a panic, on his cell phone. The phone goes
through to George's voice mail.
IRA
George! Clarke is coming back to
the house. He knows everything!
I'm coming to get you. Be at the
end of the driveway. No! Be at
the next driveway over! To the
north!
EXT./INT. LAURA'S RANCH - NIGHT
Clarke arrives at the house. He sees George sitting with
the kids.
CLARKE
(angry-to Mable and
INGRID)
Can you take it into the family fun
room?
MABLE
Are you two going to fight?
CLARKE
Ye s.
EXT. LAURA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
George and Clarke walk outside. Clarke puts up his fists,
ready to fight.
GEORGE
She's not happy.
Clarke punches George in the face then kicks him martial arts
style.
CLARKE
No one who's married is fucking
happy. Leave us alone! You fucked
up. You fucked it up with her a
long time ago. Let it go or I will
kill you. I will literally kill
you till you're fucking dead. That
disease didn't kill you. But I
will kill you.
GEORGE
You shouldn't joke about my
disease. That was very serious.
Very scary.
Clarke punches him several times, but they are more like
martial arts hits.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
What the hell is that?
Ira arrives. George starts yelling at Ira.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Don't jump in. Whatever you do,
don't jump in. I don't want your
help!
128.
IRA
Okay.
GEORGE
You said you were getting
cigarettes then you ran to the
airport to stop her. What kind of
friend are you?
IRA
I am a good friend because this
entire situation is crazy. You are
out of control.
GEORGE
I didn't deserve what you did to
me. You betrayed me !
IRA
When I got there, she was already
kissing him. I never even had a
chance to stop it. I didn't get to
do anything!
CLARKE
Don't pretend you're fucking mad at
each other, just to distract me so
I won't beat your ass.
Clarke pushes George.
CLARKE (CONT'D)
You're gonna come to my house?
You're gonna come to my fucking
house? You have to get your own
life. Leave us the fuck alone.
GEORGE
Don't hit me! I've been sick!
They don't know. The medicine is
working now, but I'm still sick.
Clarke punches George.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
(to Ira)
What are you doing? I said to jump
in!
IRA
You told me not to jump in.
129.
GEORGE
That's what "don't jump in" means.
It means "jump in." Help me!
Ira steps in. Clarke hits him hard, then kicks him.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
You're a terrible fighter.
IRA
I know, that's why I became a
comedian, because everyone used to
beat me up!
George runs at Clarke who cracks him in the head hard,
sending him to the floor. Then Ira takes a run at him and
Clarke kicks Ira in the face twice, with both feet.
Laura runs into the middle of the scene.
GEORGE
Laura, tell Clarke to stop!
LAURA
Clarke, please don't do this.
CLARKE
Don't tell me what I can and can
not do.
GEORGE
Laura, tell him. Tell him you want
to be with me now.
Laura doesn't answer.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Laura?
LAURA
Why did you have to come here and
confuse me? Everything was fine
before you came here. Now
everything is all screwed up.
GEORGE
Laura, what's it going to be? Are
you going with him, or are you
going with me?
Laura looks at Clarke.
130.
LAURA
With him.
GEORGE
Don't do this.
LAURA
You fucked up my life. And now I
fucked up yours. But just a
little. Probably just for a day.
She walks back into the house.
CLARKE
Hit the road before I put you
through another round.
GEORGE
You cheated on her too!
CLARKE
Yeah, but we're married. We're
going to work through this shit.
You should have waited until you
were married to cheat. It buys
you another chance.
Clarke punches George. Ira is on the ground. He doesn't get
up.
GEORGE
She told me I was the love of her
life. And she loves me more than
she loves you!
CLARKE
When she said that, did she think
you were dying?
GEORGE
Yeah!
CLARKE
Too bad you had to 'Live and find
out it wasn't true. Leave my
fucking family alone!
Clarke punches him. George gets a punch in but it doesn't
hurt Clarke. Clarke punches him again.
CLARKE (CONT'D)
I can do this all night.
131.
Clarke hits George again. Ira leaps on Clarke and now all
three are on the ground rolling around, arms flailing.
GEORGE
(to Ira)
Stop Ira, you're hitting me too.
Mable and Ingrid appear outside.
MABLE
What are you guys doing?
INGRID
What's happening?
The three look at the kids and instantly feel awful.
IRA
We're just playing that's all.
GEORGE
We're wrestling. It's fun.
CLARKS
Boys like to wrestle just like
girls.
They all start wrestling some more, but this time it is fake
playful. They give each other noogies, and tickle each other
so the kids won't be scared.
A little blood runs off of George's face.
INGRID
Are you bleeding?
GEORGE
No. We were just painting. I got
some paint on my cheek.
CLARKE
Come on girls. Let's go inside.
Mable and Ingrid run inside. Clarke turns to George.
CLARKE (CONT'D)
You know what sucks about this? I
like your movies and now I can't
watch them anymore.
Clarke walks away, then walks back.
132.
CLARKE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. That was mean. Through
ail of this, I want you to know
something. I'm glad that you're
not sick, and I understand. And I
forgive you.
Clarke goes inside.
IRA
That was meaner than him punching
you. That is a demented
motherfucker.
George punches Ira in the face. Ira fires back two punches
at George's face and he stumbles back.
GEORGE
None of you fuckers can hurt me.
George pauses, then leaps onto Ira and they roll on the
ground for a moment. Ira makes his-way free and gets up.
IRA
Get the hell off of me you psycho.
GEORGE
Drive me home.
IRA
No.
GEORGE
How are you gonna get home then?
IRA
Fine.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
They drive in silence for a moment.
IRA
You are the most self involved
person I have ever met.
GEORGE
Oh yeah?
133.
IRA
No matter what the situation, no
matter how many laughs or how many
women you get you will never be
happy. You're always going to be
miserable. You are a bottomless
pit. A bottomless wound.
GEORGE
What about you? You are just a
lackey. Who are you to judge me?
You tried to screw me over, after
all I. have done for you.
IRA
I am not responsible for you. You
wanted me to sit back and destroy
this woman's life? Help you cheat
on her? You put me in a terrible
position. I don't give a fuck, go
fuck yourself.
GEORGE
Lacky.
IRA
You made me the tacky? I'm not a
lacky, it's a job.
GEORGE
It's not a job, you're a tacky.
You're not even that fucking funny.
This gets Ira very mad.
IRA
Who cares? If being funny means
being like you, I rather be a
little less funny.
GEORGE
Mission accomplished.
IRA
You're the only person I know who
learned nothing from a near-death
experience! You actually went
backwards. All it did was it
brought out what a prick you are,
brought everything bad to the
surface. I liked you better when I
was sure you were gonna die.
134.
GEORGE
I'm not going anywhere!
IRA
Everything is about you. You don't
even know where I live. You've
never asked me one question about
my life. How much can one person
talk about himself ? You never ask
me shit about anything!
GEORGE
Who are you to fucking judge
anyone? You're not my friend, you
just want my money. You just want
to get your foot in the door.
IRA
Fuck your money. Fuck you. This
has all been a huge mistake.
GEORGE
Wake me when we get home.
George climbs in the back seat and tries to go to bed.
INT./EXT. GEORGE'S CAR - NIGHT
Music up: Ted Hawkins' song "Strange Conversation."
Ira drives George home in the dark. Neither one speaks.
We see images of different cities going by the window. Ira
thinks about all he's been through and the challenges ahead,
EXT. GUYS' APARTMENT
Ira pulls up to his apartment.
IRA
okay, I'm getting out. You have to
drive yourself home. I'm getting
out here.
GEORGE
Why didn't you drive me to my
house?
IRA
Because then I'd still have your
car.
135.
GEORGE
You'll drop it off later.
IRA
There is no later! I'm not going
to ever talk to you again. So I
don't want your car.
GEORGE
So that's how it's going to be.
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE
George enters. There is an enormous pile of stuff to do on
his dining room table. Several stacks of scripts. One pile
has a big post-it note that says: "READ THESE!"
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE
George lies alone in bed, alone. Eyes wide open. It's
really bright in his room.
George hits a button. The shades automatically close. The
room goes dark.
Now he's in the dark with his eyes open. He turns on the TV
to go to sleep. It's the Today show. It's really happy and
morning-themed. The piece on the Today show is very suburban.
"How to Clean Up Clutter."
ANCHORWOMAN (ON TV)
You know, when you've got a big
family, and you've got a lot of
clutter...
INT. GUYS' APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Ira is talking to Leo.
LEO
We rented out your room to Jay.
But you can crash on the couch if
you want.
IRA
Oh man, you got jerked off on that
couch.
136.
JONAH
I fucking didn't cum on the couch.
Just sleep on it for a month, and
then we'll find some excuse to boot
Jay out.
IRA
Thanks. I'm sorry, I lost my way
for a while.
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE
George reads one from a large pack of scripts. A few pages
in, he clearly doesn't like it. He puts it down, picks up
another one.
The large stack is clearly the ones he doesn't like.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Ira writes at a table.
EXT. STORE - DAY
George walks out of a store. A beautiful woman tries to chat
him up, but he lets her know he i.s"busy and has to go. He
walks off. She looks disappointed.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Ira talks to Daisy. They seem to be getting along well.
INT. IMPROVISATION - DAY
Daisy is performing on stage. She gets off and heads over to
Ira.
I HA
That was great.
She kisses him.
DAISY
Thanks.
The MANAGER walks over.
13,.
MANAGER
Hey Ira, Federman got in a car
accident. Do you want to take his
spot?
George walks over with a young comedian of about Ira's age.
This young man has clearly taken his place.
GEORGE
Hey, how's it going?
IRA
Hey George.
GEORGE
This is Randy. He's funny, you'd
like his stuff. It's smart.
IRA
I'm sure I would. I look forward
to seeing it. Are you going on
tonight?
RANDY
I hope so.
MANAGER
(to George)
Do you want to go up? Ira was
gonna take Federman's spot, but we
can get you up if you want to?
GEORGE
No, that's ok. I don't want to
take Ira's spot. I'm just gonna
hang out tonight.
INT. IMPROVISATION - MOMENTS LATER
Ira is introduced. He walks onto the stage. We see George
walk to the very back corner of the club and sit down at a
table by himself.
On stage Ira does his act. He is much more comfortable than
we have ever seen him on stage before. He is no longer
searching for his comic identity. He has found a way to be
himself on stage, and tells jokes which are more personal
than we have seen before.
Not everything kills, but when something eats it he does not
seem thrown. Sometimes he seems amused.
138.
ANGLE ON GEORGE
He watches from the back of the room. At first he does not
laugh, but then slowly starts laughing--but more at the
things Ira does in between jokes. We can tell that he is
proud of Ira and misses him.
INT. SUPERMARKET -- DAY
Ira is back behind the counter, working at the Deli with
Chuck and Gail. He doesn't look too unhappy to be there.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Is the potato salad fresh?
IRA
I made it myself this morning.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Is it good?
IRA
I stake my reputation on it.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
Okay. Give me a quart.
IRA
Mrs. Gail, this fine woman would
like a quarf'of potato salad.
The woman moves to the other side of the counter. We reveal
George standing there, holding his ticket.
GEORGE
Do you have any turkey that's
hormone-free?
IRA
Yes we do.
GEORGE
So this is where you work.
IRA
Back in the saddle.
GEORGE
I thought we were writing a
screenplay.
139.
IRA
Well, you're not a very good
writing partner.
GEORGE
Or any kind of partner. You want
to make me a turkey sandwich and
talk to me? They give you breaks
around here?
INT. SUPERMARKET - MOMENTS LATER
There is a small seating area in the supermarket where people
eat food at the deli counter. George and Ira sit across from
each other.
GEORGE
In my travels, I have learned a lot
about Asia and Buddhism. And I
would like to be in the moment now
with you, and to tell you how sorry
I am, and how much I have
appreciated your friendship. And
even if we are not friends in the
future, I wish you well on your
journey.
Ira laughs.
IRA
That guy was a douche-bag.
GEORGE
But also kind of cool. It's a very
weird combination.
IRA
He was going to heal you with those
herbs, man. You get sick again,
you should call that guy.
GEORGE
I think most of what you said to me
was true. And I really am sorry.
I think I'm still not very
healthy...in my brain.
IRA
It's all right, man. You've been
through a lot.
14 0 .
GEORGE
Well, I appreciate you trying to
help me. Even though it was kind
of an impossible task.
IRA
Is everything going okay? How are
you doing?
GEORGE
I am not doing well, but things
have certainly been worse. So, I
will be fine.
(THEN)
You were good the other night. I
hear you're getting regular spots
now.
IRA
I'm actually going up tonight.
GEORGE
Really? Any new jokes you're
working on?
IRA
Yeah, I've been trying to get off
my ass and do some writing.
GEORGE
What do you got?
Ira is surprised to hear him ask this, since he has never
asked this before.
IRA
I was thinking about doing a bit
about how I'm not very good
looking, but I'm not bad looking,
but I'm just good-looking enough
that if I had a good personality,
it might put me over the top.
GEORGE
You should do something about how,
when you date a girl, and you feel
really good and she likes you, and
then you see pictures of all her ex-
boyfriends, and they're all really
goofy-looking guys, and it's not
that you're good looking, it's just
that in this psychotic girl's eyes,
you're good looking?
141,
IRA
And how all of her boyfriends look
like Lou Costello.
GEORGE
Why don't you say Dom Deluise?
it's a more current reference.
IRA
More current? What year was
Cannonball Run, 1978?
GEORGE
Okay, okay. What else you got?
IRA
I was going to talk about how I
haven't had sex in so long, that I
can't even remember my previous
sexual experiences so I can
masturbate to them.
GEORGE
You should say, now when I
masturbate, I have to think about
the last time I masturbated.
IRA
That's a good one. You can write.
GEORGE
You know, I always wanted to be
part of the comedy field.
As the camera pulls back, George continues to pitch Ira jokes
for his act, the first selfless act we've seen him commit in
the entire film. As their friendship rekindles, we...
THE END
| Funny People
Writers : Judd Apatow
Genres : Comedy Drama
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