OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE - EVENING
We MOVE through the city in a series of brief shots that
define and establish our setting, from commercial district
to residential neighborhood. Eventually we find ourselves
moving down a street of two-story apartment buildings. Many
of the windows are lit from within by an EERIE BLUE LIGHT.
As we track past at window-level we see:
A glum, sedated-looking COUPLE watching TV. An ignored TODDLER
runs amok behind them as a cheery commercial plays..
An empty room...
A large, hirsute MAN, wearing only Lycra jogging shorts,
watching the Home Shopping Network while eating mashed
potatoes with his fingers...
A dazed old woman staring out the window.
The silhouette of a TEENAGE GIRL dancing by herself.
We enter her room and see the TV SCREEN. The source of the
THEME MUSIC is A VIDEO of an insane East Indian production
number from the 1960's. The room is cluttered with heaps of
clothes, old records, odd knick-knacks. We see her silhouetted
back as she dances along to the video while trying on a
GRADUATION CAP AND GOWN.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION - AFTERNOON NEXT DAY.
A modern high school auditorium. Over the entrance a banner
with a "Coca Cola" logo reads: "GRADUATION TODAY 2 PM."
INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - SAME DAY
A graduation ceremony is in progress. We DOLLY PAST the bland
faces of teary-eyed graduates until we stop on ENID. At first,
we only see the top of her mortarboard; as she lifts her
head we see that she's trying desperately not to laugh.
She makes eye-contact with REBECCA, another graduate, who is
also trying to stifle her laughter. The SPEAKER is in an
elaborate wheelchair with severe-looking traction devices.
High school is like the training
wheels for the bicycle of real life.
It is a time for young people to
explore different fields of interest
and to hopefully grow from their
experiences. After all, that which
we learn from our mistakes can be as
valuable as what we learn from our
textbooks, and often we can turn the
negative experiences that are common
to all high-schoolers into positive
steps toward personal growth and
achievement. In coming to terms with
my own personal setback, which I'm
sure you've all heard about, I've
been able to learn a lot about myself.
I've learned for one thing that I
don't need to rely on drugs and
and that I'm very lucky-that more
people besides Carrie and myself
weren't hurt in the accident; I've
learned that I'm blessed with
wonderful parents, teachers and above
all the best classmates in the world --
I love each and every one of you
and I've learned that to get through
life's obstacles you need faith,
hope and, most of all, a sense of
A trio of TEENAGE GIRLS (one white, one Asian, one black)
come running out from the wings and start dancing and rapping.
The audience loves them.
No more eduCATION...
It's time for celeBRATION...
'cause this is the day of our high
We've stayed for the durATION...
Now we're the newest members of the
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - LATE AFTERNOON
The auditorium door opens and GRADUATES emerge. Enid & Rebecca
run away from the crowd, triumphantly holding rolled up
diplomas. They run toward the school playground, nearly
bursting with excitement over their long-awaited release.
Enid stops and looks back at the school. She gives it THE
FINGER. They sit on a see-saw, out of breath.
God, what a bunch of retards...
I thought Chipmunk-face was never
going to shut up.
I know, I liked her better when she
was an alcoholic crack addict! She
gets in one car wreck and all of a
sudden she's Little Miss Perfect and
everybody loves her.
It's totally sickening.
(she unrolls her
Let's see if they gave me the right
Enid opens hers. Instead of a diploma, it's an OFFICIAL
LOOKING DOCUMENT with a pink Post-It note on the front page.
What?... Oh suck my fucking dick!
These assholes are saying that I
have to go to Summer school and take
some stupid art class!
Remember that stupid hippie art
teacher who failed me sophomore year?
I didn't think that just because you
get an "F" that means you have to
take the class over again.
EXT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING
The sign reads "Welcome Graduates".
INT. "DAYS INN" HOTEL - EVENING
Party in progress in the "Gold Room". A band plays TOP-40
This is so bad, it's almost good.
This is so bad it's gone past good
and back to bad again...
CLOSE-UP ON ENID, we see the party from her POV: The six or
seven MOST POPULAR STUDENTS huddle closely together.
Just think, we'll never have to see
any of these creepy faces ever again.
Unless they're in your Summer school
Uh oh... don't turn around...
MELORRA, an ambitious, incessantly upbeat classmate,
Oh my God, you guys! I can't believe
we made it!
Yeah, we graduated high school --
how totally amazing.
So what are you guys doing this
I'm going to be in this actor's
workshop, and I'm hoping to start
going on auditions soon. I'm so
excited to finally have some free
time. We have to get together this
Oh yeah, that'll definitely happen...
(spotting better people
to talk to)
Well, bye you guys... CONGRATULATIONS!
Since when is she an "actress"?
I know, she needs to die immediately.
TODD, a friendly but slightly below-average-looking guy,
approaches from behind.
So... we finally --
What about me? Am I not even here?
Oh, hey Enid...
So... we finally made it!
So... where are you going to college?
(before Rebecca can
Really? Both of you?... Why not?
We have other plans.
I guess I should have figured that
you two would do something different.
What are you going to be when you
grow up, Todd?
Well I'm going to major in Business
Administration and, I think, minor
See, that's exactly the kind of thing
we're trying to avoid.
Todd starts to talk again but Enid has noticed something off
to the side.
So... I --
Enid grabs Rebecca and turns her away from Todd before he
can finish his sentence.
Oh my god, look! Is Stacy Himmler
going out with Rod Harbaugh?
He better watch out or he'll get
AIDS when he date-rapes her.
Todd, forgotten, walks away. The singer wails a sappy, maudlin
ballad. Enid spots DENNIS, the class loser, wandering around
God, just think, we'll never see
God, think about that... that's
actually totally depressing.
INT. THE QUALITY CAFE - DAY
The QUALITY CAFE is Enid and Rebecca' s hangout. A 50-ISH
MAN with shaved head, and his VAGUELY DIABOLICAL WIFE sit
eating lunch. Enid is drawing a picture of them in her
sketchbook when Rebecca arrives.
Look at these people behind you.
I'm totally convinced they're
Just look at them!
REBECCA turns and makes eye contact with MR. SATANIST. She
calmly turns back to face Enid before cracking up.
So, when are we going to start looking
for our apartment?
Soon... I have to wait and see how
this Summer class goes.
Did you sign up yet?
Yeah, I just picked the one that
sounded the easiest.
God, it's so weird that we're finally
out of high school... We've been
waiting for this our whole life! Now
we can get our own apartment and do
anything we want. It's such a weird
I know, it hasn't really hit me yet.
Enter JOHN ELLIS, an obnoxious young man with a perpetual
Well, if it isn't Enid and Rebecca,
the little Jewish girl and her Aryan
You're late, asshole.
Fine, and how are you?
Did you bring that tape?
He puts a videotape on the table, just out of reach.
You never paid me for that tape with
the Indian dance routine.
I did too!
Tsk! You Jews are so clever with
Fuck you, you stupid redneck hick!
Hey, look, the satanists are leaving!
We should follow them!
As the SATANISTS walk outside, they open umbrellas, even
though it's a bright, sunny day.
Totally... Oh my God, look!
The girls get up to follow them. Enid grabs the videotape.
Thanks for the tape - I'll have to
pay you later, I'm broke.
Hey, where are you going?
In fact, never.
EXT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY
Under harsh, glaring sunshine, the girls follow a half-block
behind the SATANISTS.
What do you do if you're a satanist,
You know, sacrifice virgins and
That lets us off the hook.
EXT. ACROSS FROM WOWSVILLE - TEN MINUTES HAVE PASSED
The SATANISTS continue slowly along with Enid & Rebecca still
Maybe there's some weird secret
satanic society that meets at the
Quality Cafe and all of the other
regular customers are in on it except
Or maybe not.
Maybe they're slowly poisoning us or
they're planning to brainwash us and --
EXT. WOWSVILLE DINER - CONTINUOUS
Hey, look at this...
Enid points at the mini-mall in front of them. A new
restaurant - we see their banner: "GRAND OPENING. WOWSVILLE -
THE AUTHENTIC 50'S DINER".
"Authentic 50's diner"? Since when
were there mini-malls in the 1950's?
God, it's so totally pathetic.
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - DAY
They're in a booth looking at menus. It's a less accurate
version of "Johnny Rockets". A golden oldie from the 80's
plays on the jukebox.
Who can forget this great hit from
I feel as though I've stepped into a
The WAITER approaches. He has an ostentatious 70's-style
Check out the awesome "fifties" hairdo
on the waiter.
Hi, my name is Allen, and I'll be
your waiter this afternoon.
Can we call you "Weird Al"?
Heh heh. Our specials today are pasta
Vasilio, which is a pasta salad with
a light basil vinaigrette--
That was a popular dish in the 50's,
huh Weird Al?
I imagine so! Also, we have a spinach
tortellini in a ricotta sauce. Both
of those are $6.95... shall I give
you a few minutes to mull it over?
I just want an order of onion rings.
I might actually get the pasta
Pasta special and an order of onion
rings. Very good.
Did you notice all those weird things
on the menu? Like "The Salad
I know... and instead of "dessert"
it says "Mindbenders."
What does that even mean?
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - TEN MINUTES LATER
Enid spots an abandoned newspaper, THE FREE WEEKLY, on the
Check out the Personals... maybe our
future husbands are trying to contact
God, this paper is so boring. Who
reads all this shit?
(flips through it
until she gets to
Here we go...
"Windsurfing Doctor, Mensan IQ,
maverick Sagittarius. Let's hit the
clubs, make each other laugh!"
You can have that one.
Okay, well here's yours...
"Who said all the most eligible
bachelors are taken? Not this one!
Stunning bod, very snugglelicious
ocean sunset dreamer."
Al returns with their food.
Can I get you ladies anything else,
or are you all set?
Later I might be interested in one
of those far-out "mindbenders."
Al leaves. Enid goes back to the paper.
Jesus! Listen to this one: "Do you
remember me? Airport shuttle, June
7th. You: striking redhead with yellow
dress, pearl necklace, brown shoes.
I was the bookish fellow in the green
cardigan who helped you find your
contact lens. Am I crazy, or did we
have a moment?"
God, that's so pathetic. I bet she
didn't even notice him.
I know. And he's like psychotically
obsessing over every little detail.
We should call him and pretend to be
Oh, we totally have to.
Enid tears out the ad and puts it in her sketchbook.
CU of sketchbook.
INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Enid and Rebecca sit with Rebecca's grandmother OOMIE in her
living room. They eat TV dinners while watching Oomie's
favorite TV SHOW, which we hear but don't see.
NASAL-VOICED GIRL (V.O.)
So what happened next, Donna?
DONNA (DUMB BLONDE'S V.O.)
Then I told him he'd better take out
his hose and pump me!
NASAL-VOICED GIRL/ANOTHER GIRL (V.O.)
You guys! My car was out of gas!
LAUGH TRACK. Enid leans toward Rebecca.
Does Oomie really like this show?
Isn't it weird? It's her favorite.
Enid and Rebecca exit.
INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING
Rebecca looks through Enid's sketchbook while Enid fiddles
with the remote, fast-forwarding through a tape in the VCR.
So what should we do?
Wait... I just want to see what's on
What is this?
I dunno. John Ellis always puts on
all this sick stuff that I have to
fast-forward past to get to the good
stuff. There's supposed to be a Don
Knotts movie on here someplace.
Sound of FAST-FORWARDING. Rebecca glances up from the
Wait, what is that?
Enid stops fast-forwarding. We don't see the screen but we
hear weird sounds like BOOTS WALKING THROUGH DEEP MUD.
ENID & REBECCA
Enid lurches forward to avert her gaze. She clicks off the
VCR, but leaves the TV on. She notices a PHOTO ALBUM on a
bookshelf under the television.
Hey - why do you have this?
You lent it to me in like tenth grade.
I've been looking all over for this.
ANGLE ON ALBUM as she leafs through it. We see a picture of
a FIVE-YEAR-OLD ENID with glasses.
Look at how cute I am!
What a little hosebag.
ANGLE ON PHOTO of ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD ENID & REBECCA at a party.
Look, that's back when I hated you.
I remember every minute of that party.
There's my dad with Joanie.
I can never keep them all straight -
was she the super-bitch?
No, she was the second wife. The
third one was the super-bitch -
(finds a picture)
There! Look at her!
ANGLE ON PHOTO of MAXINE.
What a fucking monster!
Something on TV catches Rebecca's eye.
Oh my God! This is that comedian I
was telling you about! You have to
see this guy -- he's the absolute
A dead-pan comedian, JOEY McCOBB, is doing his stand-up
routine in a standard brick-wall comedy venue. He has a
contrived "I'm a weirdo" shtick.
Just because I live with my mother
people think I'm peculiar... so what
if she's been dead for fifteen years!
(Peter Lorre laugh)
God, that's barely even a joke.
As I always say, take my life...
If he's supposed to be so weird, how
come he's wearing Nikes?
Joey McCobb, ladies and gentlemen...
Joey McCobb is our God.
I want to do him!
I bet! Actually he reminds me of
that one creep you went out with --
you always go for guys with some
lame, fake shtick.
What are you talking about -- who?
That Larry guy -- what look was he
going for? A gay tennis player from
Rebecca turns the page of Enid's sketchbook to the torn-out
Hey! We forgot to call the loser!
You know, the green cardigan guy.
Rebecca goes to the phone and offers the receiver.
Why do I always have to do it?
You're better at it.
(as she dials)
I remember when I first started
reading these I thought DWF stood
(ear up to phone)
What does it stand for?
Shh, it's his answering machine...
We hear the indistinct traces of a
musical message followed by a faint
Hi, it's me - your "striking blonde."
Of course I remember you. Let's get
together for lunch sometime... How
about Friday at one o'clock?... Why
don't you meet me at my favorite
restaurant, "Wowsville"... It's in
the mall on Century Parkway... I'll
see you there, darling... and be
sure to wear that sexy green
As Enid hangs up they both start laughing.
EXT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
A franchise convenience store with a western motif.
INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
JOSH, 19, is taking his apron off as his BOSS, a humorless
Greek immigrant, counts out the cash register. Cheerful Muzak
AH AH AH! What you think you doing?
You still got five minutes left on
Enid (wearing wraparound shades) & Rebecca enter.
Well hello there, young employee of
Look, I already told you I'm not
going to give you a ride.
What can you tell me, young man,
about the various flavors of "frozen
Look, I'll be done in a minute.
Just wait outside.
I'm afraid I don't understand. I
simply wish to know --
JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?
The flavors we're featuring this
week, in addition to old favorites
chocolate and vanilla, are Six-Gun
Strawberry, Wild Cherry Round-up,
and Ten Gallon Tangerine.
I don't believe I care for any of
Rebecca giggles. A customer, DOUG, enters: a lowly specimen
with bad hair-cut, mustache, and jail-house tattoos, wearing
filthy designer jeans and no shirt.
Hey, Josh... I need two packs of
smokes. I'm on a double shift
tonight... fuckin' sixteen hours,
Doug brings a 40-ouncer to the counter. Josh has two packs
of Newports waiting for him.
Hey, and gimme six of these beef
jerkys too - I'm hungry enough to
chew the crotch out of a rag doll!
Hey! I told you: No shirt, no service!
(as he leaves)
Fuck you, man!
Look, can we talk in a minute? I'm
Enid looks at herself in the security mirror. She takes off
her hat and messes up her hair. She then takes off her shades
and replaces them with her standard horn-rims.
(nudging Enid, points
Look at this!
Outside we see Doug practicing with nunchuks and drinking a
beer. Heavy metal music blares from his car radio. The BOSS
sees this and goes out to yell at him.
You get out of here!
Josh joins Enid & Rebecca on the other side of counter.
That guy rules!
Who, Doug? He spends more time here
than I do...
So Josh, will you give us a ride?
Please? Pretty please? It's going to
be super fun!
Forget it, there's no way... find
some other poor sucker to abuse.
EXT. JOSH'S CAR - DAY
Josh is driving, chauffeur-like, with the two girls relaxing
in the back seat.
Why do you even need a ride? You
could walk there in two minutes.
It's just an excuse for us to spend
time with you.
Enid and Rebecca giggle.
So Josh, if this guy freaks out,
will you protect us?
He has every reason to freak out --
this is a totally fucked-up thing to
do to somebody!
God, I think Josh is too mature for
I know, look at the way he drives...
he's like an old man.
Yeah, Josh, c'mon... MOVE IT!
EXT. GAFFEY STREET - DAY
Their car accelerates.
INT. WOWSVILLE DINER - 12:35 PM.
The three of them are seated at a corner booth. A song from
any decade other than the 50's PLAYS on the jukebox. A
Look, maybe that's him!
It's still twenty-five minutes early.
Aren't there a million places like
This is the ultimate. It's like the
Taj Mahal of bad, fake 50's diners.
So, where's "Weird Al"?
SHH! He's back there. I can see his
hair bobbing up and down.
I want to "make love" to him.
I'm going to tell him you said that.
WEIRD AL approaches with menus.
So nice to see you again, ladies.
Hey, Weird Al, there's something my
friend wants to tell you --
She says she wants to MMPH!
Rebecca puts her hand over Enid's mouth.
A PUSH SWEEPER, SWEEPING THE CARPET.
ANGLE ON: OLD WOMAN slowly sweeping.
WE FOLLOW HER BACK TO: Enid, Rebecca & Josh. They're now
eating: ten minutes have passed, it's 12:45.
So Josh... Becky and I are trying to
figure out what makes you tick.
Tell us about your political beliefs.
No, I'm serious. Give us your whole
basic philosophy in a nutshell.
Oh my God, look, that's got to be
A GUY enters.
Is he wearing a green cardigan?
What exactly is a cardigan anyway?
The GUY joins a friend.
That's not him... Jesus, stop freaking
In answer to your question, I suppose
I endorse policies that are opposed
to stupidity and violence and cruelty
in any form...
I figured something like that...
Oh my God!
They see a somewhat funny-looking guy in his late 30's,
wearing a green cardigan, SEYMOUR, enter. Enid and Rebecca
hunch down in their seats.
It's obviously him!
I can't believe it!
Seymour sits down and looks around. Weird Al brings a menu.
ANOTHER ANGLE ON: WEIRD AL bringing his milkshake. Ten more
minutes have passed, it's 12:55.
What's going on now? What's he doing?
Oh my god, he just ordered a giant
glass of milk!
(bursting her bubble)
It's a vanilla milkshake.
Fifteen more minutes have passed - it's 1:10 PM. Seymour
looks around, still hopeful. His date is now TEN MINUTES
What's he doing now?
He's still just sitting there. God,
this is totally unbearable!
I wish I could see him.
Go ahead and look, but don't make it
Rebecca turns around and pretends to look past Seymour.
It's now 1:30 PM. His date is 30 MINUTES LATE. Seymour gets
up and walks sadly towards the cashier (Weird Al).
Do you think he knows?
They watch him leave. Enid goes up to pay the bill while
Josh and Rebecca go outside.
Hey Weird Al, did that guy say
anything to you before he left?
Not a thing.
Enid goes back to the table to leave a tip, two dollars. Al
passes behind her.
Thank you and come again.
Enid hesitates, overcome with guilt. She glances back at Al,
then digs every penny out of her pocket (about seven dollars
in coins and wadded up bills) and adds it to his tip.
EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY
The trio drive in silence. Suddenly, an extra-wide pick-up
vrooms past Josh, cutting off the driver (SEYMOUR) next to
him. SEYMOUR bobs violently as he screams silent obscenities.
Jesus, look at this guy.
Oh my God, that's HIM!
Are you sure?
ANGLE ON: SEYMOUR really having a fit now. Once it's out of
his system, he reverts to an amiable poker-face.
We should follow him home.
Come on, Josh... don't you want to
see where he lives?
But this guy is like a one-of-kind,
rare butterfly, and we have to follow
him back to his natural habitat...
You need counseling.
EXT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - DAY
Several minutes have passed. Seymour parks.
God, he lives right in our
Seymour gets out and disappears up the steps of his building.
He doesn't even look that bummed
I know... wouldn't you be totally
This kind of thing must happen to
him all the time.
INT. EXPERIMENTAL FILM - DAY
FULL SCREEN: grainy B&W video footage. The CAMERA travels up
a shadowy flight of stairs. We hear FOOTSTEPS, a rhythmic
POUNDING, and a deranged CHILDREN'S CHOIR ("LALALALALALA").
(cheap echo effect)
Returning to the house of my
The CAMERA reaches the top of the stairs, we see a door that
slowly CREAKS open. We move into the room beyond, it's
decorated with stuff from the 50's and a giant crucifix. We
HEAR a televangelist's sermon. We MOVE CLOSE on a little
girl's doll. Very slowly a MAN'S HAND reaches for the doll
and drags it into the shadows. The hand throws the now
mutilated doll into a toilet; water and blood swirl around.
We see grainy footage (shot off of TV) of Christians angrily
picketing an abortion clinic. CREDITS come up: THE END. A
FILM BY ROBERTA ALLSWORTH.
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
The lights go on, the VIDEO ends and the monitor is shut
There are about a dozen students, mostly pimply 14-year-old
boys, a few 14-ish girls, and Enid, dressed in schoolgirl
outfit. The teacher, ROBERTA ALLSWORTH, addresses the class.
That piece is entitled
"Mirror/Father/Mirror." I like to
show it to people I'm meeting for
the first time because it says so
much about who I am and what it feels
like to inhabit my specific skin.
And this is exactly what I'm hoping
to get from each of you over the
course of this Summer: a picture of
your own self-exploration. My own
background is in video and performance
art, but I'm hoping that doesn't
influence you and that you'll find
your own ways of externalizing the
internal. At the end of the Summer,
this class has been invited, along
with several others in the area, to
participate in a show of High-School
art at the Neighborhood Activity
Center. The title of the show will
be "Brotherhood and Community: Art
as Dialogue." I think the
"Brotherhood" theme ties in nicely
with the theme of self-discovery
that I'd like to emphasize in this
class. Are there any questions so
EXT. SEYMOUR'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Enid and Rebecca stand in front of Seymour's apartment.
This is way too creepy.
He won't see us... we'll just stalk
him from a distance.
I'm afraid if I see him, I'll start
feeling really bad again.
So what should we do? We can't just
hide all day waiting for him to come
EXT. SEYMOUR'S BUILDING - MAILBOX
There are three mail slots. Enid pulls the mail out of the
first one. We see FLOWER BULB CATALOGUES, and LADIES HOME
This is girl mail.
She grabs the mail out of SLOT NUMBER TWO.
This is all computer catalogues and
Rebecca is looking at the mail from SLOT NUMBER THREE.
The W.C. Fields Fan Club Newsletter...
(she flips through
Oh my God, The National Psoriasis
She shoves back the contents of slot number two and grabs
the mail from Rebecca. We hear MALE VOICES around the corner.
Wait! Do you hear that?
Enid jams the mail back in the slot in a panic.
They slowly walk around the bushes toward the voices.
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
They see the GARAGE SALE, in progress. They've all spotted
What should we do? What if he
Come on, it's too late now...
A middle-aged HOUSEWIFE browses with little enthusiasm as
Enid & Rebecca tentatively approach. Enid spots a MONGOOSE
VS. COBRA taxidermy piece near Joe...
Ew, look at this...
I think it's cute - look at his little
Ew, it's like some gross rat...
(hardly looking up
It's a mongoose.
A mongoose... they eat snakes... you
never heard of a mongoose? That's a
classic piece of vintage taxidermy.
Nobody alive today knows how to do
work like that.
How much is this?
Umm... That's not officially for
sale... I might have to hang onto
that for the time being.
Joe shuts off the TV. He turns to the girls, not wanting to
lose the rapport he's established with two potential
So, are you looking for anything in
particular? There's a lot of other
stuff in storage...
He picks up a plastic Casio-type guitar/keyboard (a child's
toy) and starts noodling pre-programmed rock licks.
Perhaps the "Jam-in-ator" appeals to
you. Absolutely no practice
necessary. You shread like a giant.
Just press a button.
She notices several modern jazz LPs on Joe's table.
Do you have any other old records
Him. Seymour. He's the man with the
Enid glances at Rebecca and mouths the implausible name:
"Seymour?!" Rebecca snorts, unable to control her laughter,
and turns away from the table. Enid keeps her cool...
Do you have any old Indian records?
You know, like weird 1960's Indian
rock n' roll music.
I don't have anything after about
1935. I may have one Hindu 78 from
the twenties in my collection, but
it's not really for sale. I don't
really collect "foreign."
Enid drifts over and begins thumbing through a box of 78s.
Those are all 78s... Can you play
Sure!... Wait, maybe not 78s, but I
can play regular records...
He points her to a nearby box of LPs.
There's some good stuff in here...
do you like old music?
Sure, I guess.
Well there's a few choice LPs in
here that re-issue some really great
old blues stuff.
Rebecca tugs on Enid's sleeve. Enid gets free and continues
looking through the records. She stops on one with an
especially wacky cover.
Is this one any good?
Nah, it's not so great. Here's the
one I'd recommend.
He pulls out a bland-looking record: "COLLECTOR'S ITEMS,
VOLUME THREE." Rebecca shifts impatiently behind her.
This track alone by Memphis Minnie
is worth about $500 if you have the
original 78. She was one of the
greatest guitar players that ever
lived, and a great singer and
songwriter as well. I know the guy
who owns the original and lent it
for use on this reissue.
Rebecca snorts at Enid's over-exuberance. Enid kicks her.
How much is it?
A dollar seventy-five.
She pays him.
If you don't like it bring it back
for a refund. We're here every
He puts the record into a bag.
I'm sure it's fine.
INT. QUALITY CAFE - DAY
Enid & Rebecca sit in their usual booth. Rebecca is reading
THE FREE WEEKLY.
That was truly pathetic.
I know... I still can't get over
that his name was "Seymour."
Rebecca starts looking through the APARTMENT LISTINGS. She
takes a pen out of her purse.
He was so excited when you bought
that record -- you're a saint!...
God, these apartments are super
It was so cute how he had his own
little bags. I thought I was going
to start crying!... Do you think
What about the "striking redhead in
the yellow dress"?
He should totally just kill himself...
Hey, here's one
(crosses it out)
you have to share it with a non
smoking feminist and her two cats...
I dunno... I kind of like him...
He's the exact opposite of everything
I really hate... In a way he's such
a clueless dork that he's almost
That guy is many things but he
definitely isn't "cool"... This one
would be okay, but there's no
Yeah, but... you know what I mean.
Forget it, I can't explain it...
Awkward silence. Melorra enters.
Oh my god, what are you guys doing
What are you doing here, Melorra?
My acting workshop is across the
street from here. I'm just on my
Well, we won't keep you.
I love this place... it's so - you
Enid and Rebecca look at each other.
What are you guys up to?
We're looking for an apartment.
God how cool. Where are you moving?
We're not sure yet, that's why we're
God that's so exciting!
(looks at clock)
Oops, I should go. Bye you guys!
Melorra leaves quickly.
What, is she black now?
They watch her cross the street - she's dressed in expensive
"casual" clothes with a fancy backpack.
I've been thinking about when we
look for our apartment how we have
to try and convince people that we're
like these totally rich yuppies...
What are you talking about?
That's who people want to rent to.
It's a known fact that it's way easier
to get a job and everything if you're
rich... All we have to do is buy a
few semi-expensive outfits and act
like it's no big deal... it'll be
You just want an excuse to dress
like some stupid fashion model without
me making fun of you.
Just promise you'll do it.
Okay, okay, I promise... Jesus, you're
out of your mind.
INT. ENID'S BATHROOM - DAY
Loud water running; PUNK ROCK blares from adjoining bedroom
as Enid, her head in the sink, sings along, making up her
own words. As she straightens INTO FRAME, we see that she's
dyed her hair green. She grabs a towel and heads into the
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Her DAD enters with a mixing bowl, oblivious to the green
hair and loud music.
Have you seen my blue spatula?
Nope. What are you making, pancakes?
Not if I don't find that goddamn
Dad leaves. Enid messes up her hair in different ways while
singing along to the tape and looking at herself in the
mirror. Rebecca opens the door and stands in the doorway.
When did you do that?
Enid turns around, startled, but instantly regains helps
What? How long have you been standing
EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/NEAR ACME SHOES - DAY
Did you have to buy new hair dye or
did you still have some left over
from eighth grade?
Fuck you, bitch!
They walk past a sad-looking ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE, in
a distinctive old building, that looks as if it's been there
forever. They stop and peer through the window.
We still have to go in there sometime.
It's always closed...
I bet they have tons of incredible
shoes hidden in the back.
They continue walking.
Hey look, it's the pants.
We see a pair of discarded jeans on the sidewalk.
Where are we going?
Let's go hassle Josh.
They see a MIDDLE-AGED MAN dressed in a shabby threadbare
suit and hat sitting at what was once a bus stop. The rusty
sign has a red sticker on it that says "No longer in service."
There he is...
Waiting for the bus that never
I wonder if he's just totally insane
and he really thinks a bus is coming
Why don't you ask him.
Enid sits next to THE MAN. Rebecca stands behind the bench,
taken aback that Enid is going to end the long standing
Hi... what's your name?
(looks at watchless
wrist, then down the
...are you waiting for a bus?
I hate to tell you this but they
cancelled this bus line two years
ago... There are no buses on this
You don't know what you're talking
EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Enid & Rebecca are on the outside porch/walkway on the second
floor of Josh's building. Enid POUNDS on his pasteboard door;
the windows RATTLE with each hollow THUD.
ENID & REBECCA
He's probably in there jerking off.
I'll bet he never jerks off...
Yeah, he's beyond human stuff like
Should we leave a note?
Enid finds a piece of paper - the back of a pizza flyer.
Do you have a pen?
She writes, while Rebecca looks over her shoulder. "Dear
Josh. We came by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door.
Therefore you are gay. Signed, Tiffany and Amber."
You're not really going to leave
that are you?
Enid pushes the note over his doorknob.
EXT. ENTERING ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY
Why are we going here? I hate this
It'll only take a second.
INT. ZINE-O-PHOBIA BOOKSTORE - DAY
They enter. We see racks of books-with titles like "Make
Explosives At Home." Rebecca walks over to the magazine rack.
-- I'm telling you, you're wrong --
carpet beetles are the only way to
get the flesh off a corpse... Boiling
is strictly for amateurs!
Don't you creeps ever talk about
anything nice? Don't you ever talk
about fluffy kittens or the Easter
Look who's talking - little miss
Yeah, nice outfit - who are you
supposed to be, Cyndi Lauper?
Blow me, doofus!
John Ellis emerges from the back and begins to unload a box
of books onto the shelves. He stops and looks at Enid.
Didn't they tell you?
Tell me what?
Punk rock is over!
I know it's over, asshole, I --
If you really want to "fuck up the
system" - you should go to business
school -- that's what I'm gonna do:
get a job at some big corporation
and fuck things up from the inside!
That's not even --
Yeah yeah yeah. Do you have my money?
She wads up a twenty-dollar bill and throws it at him.
Oh, how "punk."
That tape sucked, by the way!
I'm so sorry if you were offended!
He heads toward the back room with the empty box.
Go die, asshole!
Get a job!
He exits. Rebecca walks over to Enid.
What was that all about?
It's not like I'm some modern Punk
dickhead... It's obviously supposed
to be a 1977 Punk look, but I guess
Johnny Fuckface is too stupid to get
I didn't get it either.
Everybody's too stupid!
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM/BATHROOM - EVENING
Enid dejectedly enters and heads straight for the bathroom.
She rummages through a cabinet until she finds the right box
(black hair dye). She wets her hair, then goes into the
bedroom and mechanically turns on her boom box. The punk
rock song we heard earlier plays. She yanks out the tape and
flings it away. She skims through her records and CDs,
dismissing them all. She notices Seymour's bag in the corner.
She takes out the record and puts it on. The first tune is
an upbeat instrumental number. She returns to the bathroom.
Several minutes pass. TRACK TWO begins on the LP. She (and
we) slowly begin to take notice. It's a strange, haunting
old BLUES RECORD. We see that the tune has struck a nerve.
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
The song continues. Enid sits in her bean-bag chair. Her
hair is now dyed back to black. As the song ends, she picks
up the needle and starts it again.
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
Yeah, it took a while before I got a
chance to play it, but when I heard
that song it was like --
So you really liked it? Yeah, there's
some really rare performances. You
liked that Memphis Minnie, huh?
Yeah, that's good too... the whole
record was good, but that one song,
"Devil Got My Woman" -- I mostly
just keep playing that one over and
over... Do you have any other records
The Skip James record? Yeah, that's
a masterpiece. There are no other
records like that! I actually have
the original 78 of it in my
collection. It's one of maybe five
Do you want to see it? I can run
upstairs and get it...
Yeah, sure, I guess...
(to Joe, he always
says this when he
leaves his table)
Watch my stuff.
Seymour exits. An uncomfortable pause as Enid stands at the
table. She touches the mongoose's tooth.
(not looking up)
You still interested in that?
I thought it wasn't for sale.
I'm thinkin' maybe I could let it
It's kind of falling apart.
Seymour returns with the 78, holding it like a precious
Here it is. It's only about V minus
and has an incipient lam crack, but
plays decent as I recall.
Seymour passes the 78 to Enid who follows suit and holds it
carefully by the edges.
Enid pretends to drop the record.
Oops! I dropped it!
Hey, I was only kidding!
She hands the record back to Seymour, who's shaken and
Jesus, Seymour... are you all right?
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
Starts with a PAN ACROSS a wall of unimpressive high school
art: dumb drawings of fighting Chuck Norris-types, traced
centerfolds, highly sexualized horses, etc. And, on a table,
a wire sculpture made from two coathangers.
I'm not going to start a discourse
on the subject of "good" art vs.
"bad" art; these judgments are for
each person to make on his own. I
merely want to help each of you find
the best way to look within yourselves
the best key to your particular lock.
Last week I asked you to-try and
create a piece of artwork that
responds to something that you have
strong feelings about.
Enid enters late and puts her sketchbook on the table.
And it looks like we have some really
interesting work up here....
Roberta peruses some of the art, then points to a very violent
What can you tell, us about your
(struggles to read
(very stupid and
Uh... it's uh... it's about The
It's this really great video game
about a guy who kills people with a
(trying to make a
I thought maybe this was supposed to
be your father.
No response from Phillip. Roberta nicks up Enid's sketchbook
and leafs through it.
And what can you tell us about this...
(searches for name)
Enid. It's sort of like a diary I
We see several sketches, including the drawing of the
SATANISTS. Roberta shows a few pages to the class.
I think that Phillip and Enid can
help us to see that there are-many
different ways we can express
ourselves. We can do things like
these cartoons that are amusing as a
sort of light entertainment or we
can do work that is more serious in
scope and feeling and that deals
with issues; emotional, spiritual,
political; of great importance. I
hope that you will each have the
tools to do that type of work by the
end of this class.
(pause, points at
Who is responsible for this?
Talk to us about it...
It's my response to the issue of a
woman's right to choose... it's
something I feel super-strongly about.
Isn't this a wonderful piece, class?
This definitely falls into that higher
category of art I was speaking of
MARGARET glances over at Enid. Enid gives her a dirty look.
INT. "MASTERPIECE VIDEO" STORE - AFTERNOON.
On a monitor, a generic trailer is playing.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Hello and welcome to Masterpiece
video. How may I help you this
I'm looking for a copy of 8 1/2.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Yessir! Is it a new release, sir?
No, it's the classic Italian film.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
Let me look that up on the computer
for you, sir!
(FIDDLES WITH COMPUTER)
Yes, here it is - 9 1/2 WEEKS with
Mickey Rourke. It's in our "Erotic
No, not "9 1/2", 8 1/2 , the Fellini
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #1
I'll check that for you sir. How do
you spell the actor's name - F-I-L-E-
WE SEE Enid & Rebecca, dressed up in sexy outfits.
How about this one?
Hey, you have to see my new good
She pulls out a small porcelain figure of a MAN FLUSHING
HIMSELF DOWN A TOILET with the words "Goodbye Cruel World"
on the base.
Ew ... when did you get that?
This morning at Seymour's garage
God, aren't you tired of Seymour
Rebecca picks up another tape.
How about this?
Forget it. I'm sure it sucks. All
these movies suck.
An obnoxious SIX-YEAR-OLD tries to get his PARENTS to add
another tape to their already tall stack. He stares at the
Another MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE reshelves videos near them.
MASTERPIECE EMPLOYEE #2
Hello! How are you young ladies this
evening? May I help you find a
particular Masterpiece movie?
They walk by him.
Let's get out of here, this place
makes me sick.
We have to do something fun tonight
this is my last weekend of freedom
before I start my stupid job.
I know a party we could go to...
It's a surprise.
I don't believe you.
If I promise you there's really a
party with a lot of guys, do you
promise you'll go?
INT. SEYMOUR & JOE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
A depressing COLLECTORS' GET-TOGETHER in progress. Enid &
Rebecca sit on an old sofa in the corner. Nine or ten RECORD
COLLECTORS mill about.
There are some records I will pay
serious money for, provided they're
a sincere V plus. Other than that
I'd prefer to just have them on CD.
CDs will never have the presence of
an original 78.
WRR-ONG! A digital transfer adequately
mastered will sound identical to the
original. Do you have a decent
I have a Klipsch 2B3.
Obviously the problem! You expect a
ten-band equalizer to impart state
of-the-art sound? Dream a little
Enid & Rebecca are sitting nearby.
I totally, totally hate you.
Aw c'mon, this is a fun party.
ANGLE ON: Joe stands talking to GERROLD, an obnoxious, pushy,
fast-talking guy who keeps eyeing Rebecca. He shovels food
into his mouth as he speaks.
So what's the story with the two
cheerleaders over here?
Seymour? You gotta be kidding me!
Don't worry about it. He's not gettin'
any and neither are you.
(poking Joe in the
Let me tell ya somethin', Joe...
Listen to me, Joe... you can't hit a
home run without swinging the bat!
Gerrold walks over to where Rebecca is sitting. He sits on
the arm of sofa next to her.
Mind if I sit here?
Whoa, that was cold! Hey, you're
okay, you're pretty sharp. So uh...
hey, you're wearing a green dress -
whadda you Irish? I bet you're Irish.
What's your name?
Melorra, listen to me - let me tell
you something Melorra... you seem
like an interesting chick - what are
you doing hanging out with these
losers here? Whaddya say you and me
take off and hit some nightspots
I'll be right back, I'm gonna go get
Enid goes over to the beer keg. Nearby Seymour stands talking
to PAUL - a humorless, middle-aged guy in a suit and tie
who's contemptuously examining one of Seymour's 78s.
...but it plays like new. There's no
Oh please... It has an enlarged center
hole and a hair crack.
Enid approaches them.
But the crack is so tight it's
A tight hair crack is just that - a
crack. I don't collect cracked
I only pay a premium for mint records
Seymour, you know that! Please!
What was all that stuff about enlarged
holes and tight cracks?
I... I didn't think you would have
any interest in this get together...
I mean if you had told me you were
coming I would have warned you --
it's not like a real party or
You're right about that.
So this is your record collection?
Oh God no. This is just junk I have
for sale or trade. The record room
Really? Can I see it?
Yeah, well sure... you can if you
want to... it's just I don't want
all these guys in there at once...
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING
Enid & Seymour enter his inner sanctum, beverage containers
in hand -- nicely-displayed old collectibles cover just about
every inch of wall space.
Wow! This is like my dream room!
Are these all records!
I have about fifteen hundred 78s at
this point. I've tried to pare down
my collection to the essential...
God, look at this poster! I can't
believe this room! You're the luckiest
guy in the world! I'd kill to have
stuff like this!
Please... go ahead and kill me!
This stuff doesn't make you happy,
Oh, come on! What are you talking
You think it's healthy to obsessively
collect things? You can't connect
with other people so you fill your
life with stuff... I'm just like
all the rest of these pathetic
Enid writes her name in the dust.
No you're not! You're a cool guy,
Yeah right... If I'm so cool, why
haven't I had a girlfriend in four
years? I can't even remember the
last time a girl talked to me.
I'm talking to you... I'll bet there
are tons of women who would go out
with you in a minute!
No really... I guarantee I could get
you a date in like two seconds...
I'm totally serious!
I mean it -- You leave everything to
me -- I'm going to be your own
personal dating service!
I appreciate the offer but you really
Mark my words, by the end of this
summer you'll be up to your neck in
Jesus! That's very nice of you Enid
but I - I really --
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
As Enid and Seymour walk. A 20-ish secretary-type passes.
What about her? Would you go out
I don't know, what kind of question
is that? I mean it's totally
irrelevant because a girl like that
would never be caught dead with me...
But putting that aside for now, would
you go out with her?
I really didn't get a good look at
A breasty, overweight 40-year-old walks by.
Okay, what about this one? Are you
into girls with big tits?
C'mon Seymour, I'm trying to collect
data here! Don't you want me to find
you your perfect dream girl?
I'm just not one of those guys who
has a "type"...
Every guy has a type!
(he doesn't really
I mean as long as she's not a complete
imbecile and she's even remotely
They walk by "the pants."
Hey look, there's Norman!
He's sitting as before at the defunct bus stop.
Norman nods politely. Seymour looks quizzically at Enid.
EXT. CITY STREET/NEAR SIDEWINDER - DAY
They're in another part of town near THE SIDEWINDER.
We need to narrow this down somehow...
we need to find a place where you
can meet women who share your
Maybe I don't want to meet someone
who shares my interests. I hate my
interests! Where can I go to meet
the exact opposite of myself?
Yeah yeah yeah... Just tell me your
five main interests, in order of
Well, let's see... I guess I'd have
to put Traditional Jazz, Blues, and
Ragtime music at the top of the list,
Let's just say "music" - that way
you only use up one...
(spots The Sidewinder)
Wait, we have to go in here for a
INT. SIDEWINDER - DAY
They enter. Josh has his back to the counter as he makes a
complicated frozen yogurt sundae for a little girl.
(without turning around)
I just stopped in to say hi.
Yeah, well... hi...
He turns around non-chalantly, holding the sundae. He looks
up and sees Enid with the guy from Wowsville (Seymour).
This is my friend Seymour.
Josh is startled and drops the sundae. The girl starts crying.
Josh immediately starts to clean up the mess. Enid, satisfied,
heads with Seymour for the door.
See you later, Josh!
As the door closes, we hear a familiar voice.
JOSH! WHAT YOU DOING!?
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Enid & Seymour continue walking.
So is that your boyfriend?
Josh? He's nobody's boyfriend...
He's just this guy that Becky and I
like to torture.
Well are --
Oh my god! We have to go in here!
They are in front of STAN'S, a porno shop.
Yeah, sure... very funny....
Please, Seymour... Becky and I have
been dying to go in here but we can't
get any boys to take us... Please?
I - I'd really rather not...
We'll just go in for one minute --
it'll be a riot!
I don't think so...
PLEASE? We have to!
I really don't think it's a good
Fine, I'll go by myself then...
INT. ANTHONY'S II - DAY
Enid & Seymour enter. There are a half dozen MEN browsing
through the videos and magazines.
Wow! Look at all these creeps!
OH MY GOD!
Enid runs over and grabs a BLOW-UP SEX DOLL. Everyone in the
store looks at them. Seymour blushes and sweats.
What kind of weirdo would actually
have sex with this? We have to buy
She looks around, over-stimulated.
God, this place is a total riot!
She picks up a magazine.
Look at this -- "Lollipop Lolitas" -
isn't child pornography totally
These are older women just dressed
up to look young... I think.
ANGLE ON a pair of THIGH-HIGH LEATHER FETISH BOOTS.
Oh my god!
WIDER ANGLE: She's in another part of the store near the
How much are these boots? Do you
have these in size five?
That's the only pair of those I have
right now. I'm getting a new order
in next week...
She spots something and gasps. She yells across the store.
OH MY GOD SEYMOUR! You have to lend
me the money to buy this.
Everyone looks at Seymour as he sheepishly approaches. He
takes out his wallet.
Uh, I don't have much money with me
C'mon, Seymour, please?
Why don't you come back in two weeks -
we'll be having our annual Back-to-
INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - LATE AFTERNOON
Rebecca is at the counter serving a long line of YUPPIES. We
can see a sign next to the counter that reads: "Answer today's
trivia question and get a free small coffee".
I'd like a medium latte for here.
Can I get you a biscotti to go with
NO! Just the latte.
Enid is next wearing a RUBBER BONDAGE MASK with devil horns.
Give me all your money, bitch!
Where did you get that?
You won't believe it! Guess!
No way... when?
Just now... I went with Seymour.
FELDMAN is in line behind Enid. He's a poodle-haired, fedora
wearing eccentric in a motorized wheelchair-golf cart
Excuse me - I can't read the trivia
Enid is in the way. She reads it to him.
"Where on the human body is the
'Douglas Pouch' located?"
Feldman grunts and starts to tap away on his powerbook while
Rebecca, rolling her eyes, goes to get his coffee. A DIGITAL
GRAPHIC of the FEMALE FORM on his computer screen. With a
few keyboard strokes he zeroes in on a schematic of the
REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM. An area behind the cervix BLINKS.
Slightly below the uterus on a female.
He takes his coffee and putters towards the door.
That guy is totally amazing.
He does that every single day.
Can I get a decaf mocha to go?
Can I get you a...
NO, I don't want a biscotti with
YUPPIE #2 pays and leaves.
God, how can you stand all these
I don't know... Some people are okay,
but mostly I feel like poisoning
At least the wheelchair guy is sort
He's a total asshole... He doesn't
even need that wheelchair, he's just
No, it doesn't. You'll see... you
get totally sick of all the creeps
and losers and weirdos.
But those are our people...
So when are you going to get your
I'm working on it... I've got a few
leads... it's just that right now I
have, all these projects that take
up all my time.
Nothing. Don't worry... I promise
I'll get a job next week.
God, I can't believe you went to
Anthony's without me.
INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - DAY
Enid and her dad are eating breakfast. A 13" TV sits on the
kitchen counter behind them.
TV COMMERCIAL (V.O.)
Hope comes in all forms. To the
endangered white stork searching for
wetlands it comes in the form of a
sanctuary provided by people who
care. Do people care? Chevron does.
That's why at Chevron we're just as
Are you still looking for a job? Do
you have any leads?
Will you get off my back for once?
It's tough to find a good job without
any kind of training.
Look, I told you I'm not going to
Well, I think it's good to keep all
your options open. You can always
enroll for the winter quarter. You
could even live here and go to the
city college part time, and still
get a job if you wanted to.
Look at me -- I'm not even listening
to a word you're saying.
Did I tell you who I ran into at the
(reading cereal box)
How should I know?
Someone from the past.
Not the Maxine?
God, how horrifying.
INT. COLLEGE COFFEE HOUSE DAY
Enid and Rebecca sit in a semi-crowded college hang-out.
...you don't have to make a million
dollars -- just get any stupid job
so we can at least start looking for
I wonder if I hang around with you
because you're like my surrogate
mother figure or something. Like I
have this subconscious biological
need to be nagged and bitched at
You hang out with me because nobody
else can stand to be around you.
Or maybe... did you ever think that
deep down we really might be lesbos?
Maybe that's why we spend so much
See that guy?
He gives me a total boner!
He's like the biggest idiot of all
The guy, a COLLEGE SOPHOMORE, walks by them with two friends.
Are you guys up for some reggae
Okay, you're right.
An earnest "ALTERNATIVE-ROCK" GUY approaches Rebecca. He
hands her a flyer.
Hey, my band is playing here on Friday
night and uh... there's gonna be a
bunch of cool bands playing and stuff
and you don't have to pay if you
show this flyer at the door... you
should come check it out.
(she looks away)
Enid takes the flyer from Rebecca. There are a bunch of
Which one is your band?
then, to Rebecca)
Yeah, well... maybe I'll see you
(pause; walks away)
What a dork!
You're just jealous.
Yeah, right... Believe me, at this
point I'm over the fact that every
single guy likes you better than me!
Face it, you hate every single boy
on the face of the earth!
That's not true, I just hate all
these obnoxious, extroverted, pseudo-
Sometimes I think I act so weird
because I'm crazy from sexual
Haven't you heard about the miracle
...maybe we should be lesbos...
Get away from me!
INT. ENID'S FANTASY - EVENING
Starts on full moon in night sky, framed right --
...a dark moonlit room. Enid lies on her stomach in bed. We
MOVE IN CLOSER to her head as though entering her thoughts,
which slowly fade in: WE MOVE TOWARD a vertical sliver of
light -- a cracked-open bathroom door.
WE MOVE into the bathroom and see Enid taking a shower. Josh
enters, dressed in a black suit, holding a large bouquet of
flowers. CUT. We start again, exactly as before, only without
the flowers. He starts to take off his clothes. CUT. He enters
again and gets right in the shower, fully clothed.
They begin to kiss. After a passionate moment, the door opens.
Rebecca stands there, stunned.
CUT BACK TO:
We see only the slightest trace of Enid in the darkness. She
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
CLOSE-UP ON a charcoal portrait of DON KNOTTS.
Who is this, Enid?
It's supposed to be Don Knotts.
And what was your reason for choosing
him as your subject?
I dunno... I just like Don Knotts.
I see... interesting...
She moves on.
What do we have here, Margaret?
It's a tampon in a teacup...
I can see that... now what can you
tell us about it? First of all, what
kind of sculpture is this?
It's a "found object"... that's when
an artist takes an ordinary object
and places it in an artistic context
and thus it becomes art.
Very good. Now, what can you tell us
about it in regard to your artistic
I guess I see the teacup as a symbol
for womanhood, because of tea parties
in the olden days, but instead of
tea I was trying to kind of confront
people with this... like...
This shocking image of repressed
I think it's really a wonderful piece,
Enid gives Margaret another dirty look.
This illustrates perfectly what I
was saying about not being afraid to
use controversial imagery, class...
EXT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - DUSK
Seymour drives. Enid plays with the radio stopping on an
obnoxious AM Disc Jockey.
KFTO comin' atchya on this beautiful
God, that asshole's voice is so
hateful! No wonder I never listen to
(shutting it off)
Relax, Seymour, relax...
That thing is just so shrill and
piercing and loud - it's like someone
jabbing me in the face!
KFTO comin' atchya on this beautiful
She changes the subject and holds up a 78 record.
So, why did you bring this along?
I brought it for him to autograph.
He's going to be amazed to see it -
it's one of two known copies... I
can't believe they have him for the
opening act and not the headliner.
What an insult!
This bar's going to be packed with
girls for you to pick from.
I'm not holding my breath in that
Seymour waits at a stop sign for two OBLIVIOUS OVERWEIGHT
WOMEN, each with TODDLERS and baby carriages, to cross..
What are we, in slow motion here?!
What are ya, hypnotized? Have some
more kids, why don't you?... For
Christ's sake, would you move!?
EXT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT
A marquee reads, "TONITE: BLUESHAMMER also FRED CHATMAN"
INT. BLUES CLUB - NIGHT
FRED CHATMAN, age 82, plays an acoustic blues number. He's
good, but he's being politely ignored for the most part by
the TWENTY-SOMETHING PATRONS. Most of them are more interested
in a baseball game showing on a big-screen TV.
I can't believe these people! They
could at least turn off their stupid
sports game until he's done playing!
FRED finishes to POLITE APPLAUSE. An M.C. takes the mic.
Let's hear it for Fred Chatman.
(a little more APPLAUSE)
Hey don't go away because we've got
Blueshammer coming up in just a
A CUTE GIRL, mid-20's, stands near their table sipping her
drink. Enid nods in her direction for Seymour's benefit as
if to say, "check it out."
Yes, that would certainly do...
Well, offer her a seat! You want me
to do it?
Wait a minute! Hang on! Jesus, I
gotta think of something to talk to
her about. No! No...
Just wait here.
Enid gets up before Seymour can stop her and talks to CUTE
GIRL who looks back at Seymour and smiles. She goes to join
him. Enid walks off in the direction of the bar, giving
Seymour a "thumbs up."
Hello. Uh... that was great music,
Yeah, I just love blues.
Actually, technically what he was
mostly playing would more accurately
be classified in the "ragtime" idiom.
Although of course not in the
strictest sense of the more classical
ragtime piano music like that of
Scott Joplin or Joseph Lamb. Authentic
Blues has a more conventional twelve-
bar structure in its stanzas.
Oh if you like authentic blues, you've
just gotta see Blueshammer! They're
ANGLE ON: Enid standing alone at the bar. We see Seymour and
Cute Girl from her POV. Her gaze drifts to the other people
in the bar. WE MOVE OVER the faces of all the guys and stop
on a skinny, introverted-looking guy with a pool-cue. He
makes a shot and instantly goes into an ostentatious cue
twirling routine. Her gaze drifts on.
She sees herself in a mirror behind the bar and takes off
her hat reconfiguring her hair. She reaches into her purse
and puts on a bulkier pair of glasses. This is interrupted
by BLUESHAMMER taking the stage. Young, white, cocky, pretty
All right people! Are you ready to
BOOGIE? Cuz we gwine play you some
blues to rock your world! One, Two,
A din of loud noise. CUTE GIRL immediately leaps to her feet,
boogeying to the music.
Several horny ALPHA MALES press in on Seymour (who's still
sitting), spilling his drink as they vie to dance with her.
Seymour extricates himself from the table and walks toward
the bar where Enid sits.
What did you tell that girl?
I told her you were a big record
executive and you were thinking of
signing that band to your label.
INT. SEYMOUR'S CAR - NIGHT
Now I remember why I haven't gone
anywhere in months. I'm not even in
the same universe as those creatures
back there. I might as well be from
We just need to figure out a place
where you can meet somebody who isn't
a total idiot, that's all.
Look, I really appreciate your help,
Enid, but let's face it, this is
It's not hopeless...
Yeah, well it's simple for everybody
else - give 'em a Big Mac and a pair
of Nikes and they're happy! I just
can't relate to 99.9% of humanity.
Yeah, well, I can't relate to humanity
either, but I don't think it's totally
But it's not totally hopeless for
you... I've had it. I don't even
have the energy to try anymore. You
should make sure you do the exact
opposite of everything I do so you
don't end up like me...
I'd rather end up like you than those
people at that stupid bar... At
least you're an interesting person...
at least you're not exactly like
Hooray for me.
INT. SEYMOUR'S APT. - NIGHT
Enid walks in behind Seymour.
I'm not sure I have anything to
drink... there might be some --
It doesn't matter, I'm not staying
long... I just want to make sure I
convince you not to give up yet.
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
They both have drinks now. He puts on a jazz record, an
(picks up an antique
Wow, this is so cool...
If you don't mind my asking -- why
do you care so much if I get a date
I dunno... because I can't stand the
idea of a world where a guy like you
can't get a date...
Enid finds a PAINTING leaning in a pile of stuff against the
wall in the corner. It's an old-fashioned cartoony stereotype
of a black man's head, with big lips and a huge toothy smile.
What the fuck, Seymour?! What is
What?... Oh that... I borrowed that
from work about fifteen years ago...
I guess it's mine now.
What, are you a klansman or something?
Yeah, right, I'm a klansman - thanks
a lot!... Do you know the Cook's
(quoting TV commercial
in deep voice)
"Four-piece Cook's special deep fried
with side n' slaw it's OUT RAY-GEOUS"!
Yeah, well "Cook's" is just a made
up name. When they originally opened
back in 1922 they were named "The
Coon Chicken Inn" -- that's an early
painting of their first logo.
He takes out a scrapbook.
I'm obsessed with all this stuff -
this lost culture of the 20th century.
She looks through the scrapbook - we see the Coon Chicken
logo transform first into a less stereotyped black man, then
into an older distinguished black chef with the logo "Cook's
Chicken Inn." Then to a white version of the same chef,
followed by a female white chef, then to a streamlined 90's
version. On another page is a collection of cosmetic labels
tracing the design evolution of a different company.
Why doesn't everybody know this?
The record ends. Seymour gets up to take it off the turntable.
It's ancient history. The same reason
nobody knows about this Lionel Belasco
He puts on another record.
Actually, I was a whole lot more
interested in the Cook's phenomenon
when I was about your age. I've kind
of lost interest since I've been
working for them...
You work at Cook's Chicken?
For nineteen years...
What are you, a fry cook or something?
Nothing so glamorous... actually,
I'm an assistant manager at their
Jesus, I'd go nuts if I had to work
in an office all day.
Hey, I get good benefits, a good
early retirement plan, nobody ever
Yeah, but still...
I make enough money to eat and buy
old records... what more do I want?
Enid puts down the scrapbook, stares at the painting.
So, I don't really get it -- are you
saying that things were better back
(points at painting)
even though there was stuff like
No, in a lot of ways things are better
now... I dunno... it's complicated.
Everybody still hates each other,
but they know how to hide it better,
Hey, can I borrow this?
I promise I'll take good care of it.
I dunno... they're very sensitive at
work about all this stuff. Maybe it
would be better if you --
Don't you trust me, Seymour?
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
We see another wall of student art dominated this time by
Enid's (Seymour's) 3' x 4' painting.
Let's address some discussion to
I don't like it.
Can you tell us why?
I don't know.
I think it's totally weak.
Yeah, it's not right.
More kids respond at once. Even Margaret is confused.
These are all valid comments, but I
think we should see if the artist
has anything to bring to this.
Well, I got the idea when I was doing
some research and I discovered that
Cook's Chicken used to be called
Coon's Chicken, and so I decided to
do my project based on this discovery
as kind of a comment on racism...
and the way racism is whitewashed
over in our culture...
Did you actually do this painting?
Well, no - it's more like a "found
And how do you think this addresses
the subject of racism?
It's complicated... I guess I'm trying
to show how racism used to -- more
out in the open and now it's hidden,
And how does an image like this help
us to see that?
I'm not sure... I mean...
I guess because when we see something
like this it seems really shocking
and we have to figure out why it's
A long pause as Roberta and the class stare at the painting.
I don't really know what to say,
...It's a remarkable achievement.
INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - EVENING
Enid is lying on her back with her head on Rebecca's stomach.
Both stare blankly at the ceiling.
Are you kidding? It's a dream job!
I can't believe you got a job like
that without even trying... God, I
wish that was my job...
(trying to generate
Yeah, maybe it'll be okay. At least
I'll get to see every movie for free,
I guess... I had to lie and tell
them I already graduated...
When are you finally going to get
I dunno, but next week is my last
Anyway, now we can start looking for
(waits for some
response from Enid,
but there is none)
Do you remember when we first came
up with that whole idea of renting
our own apartment?
Wasn't it like eighth grade?
Seventh... you wanted to move out
That must have been when my dad was
married to Maxine...
I remember our big plan was as soon
as we got the apartment we were going
to trick Daniel Dusentrieb into coming
over and then fuck him.
We were such desperate sluts back
INT. PACIFIC THEATER - AFTERNOON
Enid is behind the candy counter dressed in a brown and orange
I'm gonna let you handle the four
thirty crowd by yourself - that way
I can evaluate your performance while
it's slow and ease you into the bigger
You can count on me, sir!
A customer, an ALCOHOLIC LOSER, approaches the candy counter.
Do you serve beer or any alcohol?
I wish!... actually you wish... after
about five minutes of this movie
you'll wish to God you had about ten
LOSER stares blankly, hesitates, then goes into theater.
(pulling her aside)
What are you doing? You don't ever
criticize the feature!
Why? What difference does it make?
You already got his money...
Look, that's the policy... if you
want to make up your own rules you
can open your own theater...
But I was only trying to be
Look, we don't pay you to be a movie
critic -- just do your job.
Okay, okay... I won't say a word...
ANOTHER ANGLE - an hour has gone by.
That's three dollars.
Let me have plenty of butter on that.
(making a face)
Here you go -- smothered in delicious
(pulling her aside)
What the hell is wrong with you?!
What? I'm just kidding around with
the customers... It's my shtick!
Well lose it! And why aren't you
pushing the large sizes? Didn't you
get training about upsizing?
But I feel weird... it's so sleazy.
It's not optional!
Can I get a medium sprite?
A medium sprite? Why sir, do you not
know that for a mere twenty five
cents more you could purchase a large
beverage that has a volume of over
twice that of a puny medium drink?
(she gives MANAGER a
...I'm only telling you this because
we're such good friends -- Medium is
strictly for suckers who don't
understand the concept of value!
INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY
Rebecca is behind the counter glaring at Enid.
What are you talking about? What
kind of loser gets fired after one
I told you - my manager was a total
asshole! Don't worry, I'm going to
get another job... and anyway, I
have some ideas for how to make money
in the meantime...
An angry CUSTOMER returns with her drink.
I'm not at all happy with this latte
what do you intend to do about it?
EXT. ENID'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
It's the next day. Enid has set up a GARAGE SALE in front of
her apartment building. Rebecca arrives.
This is it? I can't believe you're
selling some of this stuff.
Fuck it. Everything must go!
Oh my god, I remember this hat...
this was during your little old lady
A trendy young HIPSTER happens along and looks through the
clothes, then to the table where he picks up a ridiculous
looking stuffed animal.
How much is this?
That's not for sale.
(noticing price tag)
Wait, it says five dollars...
Oh, that's a mistake -- I decided
not to sell it...
The HIPSTER looks around a little more and then leaves.
What was that all about? I thought
everything must go!
Oh yeah right, like I'm gonna let
some asshole with a goatee own Goofy
A couple is browsing. The GIRL, a severely skinny, CLUBHOPPER
TYPE in platform shoes looks at the clothes; the BOY, a long
haired SKATEBOARDER, goes through her records.
How much is this dress?
Oh my god, you're selling that?
That's five hundred dollars.
You're crazy -- it should be like
I was wearing that dress the day I
lost my virginity.
Well why do I care about that?
Why do you even want it? It would
look stupid on you.
God, fuck you!
Enid turns to the boy - he's holding some records and a book.
Put that stuff back, it's not for
What is this? Some fuckin' joke?
Yes! Go away!
They stomp off.
Now are you going to get a regular
If it makes you feel any better, I
don't think you could've gotten more
than ten bucks for all this stuff.
EXT. ENID'S GARAGE SALE - DAY
Twenty minutes later. Most of the stuff is gone. Enid packs
up one last box to carry inside.
Do you want to do something tonight?
I can't, it's Seymour's birthday...
Shit! What time is it? I have to go
to the store! I was going to make
him a cake...
Well, are we still going shopping
Yeah, I guess... call me...
She heads toward the stairs with the box. Rebecca watches
Since when can you make a cake?
INT. SEYMOUR'S ROOM - EVENING
Enid presents Seymour with a HOSTESS CUPCAKE with a single
lit candle in the center. The lights are off.
You can open your eyes now.
Oh... uh, thanks a lot Enid... I
really appreciate it...
No, Doofus... blow it out!
He leans forward and blows out the candle, then abruptly
straightens up and holds the small of his back in pain. Enid
turns the lights back on.
Arrrghhh! Ah Jeez... Christ...
Are you okay?
It's just my stupid back. I'll be
all right in a minute...
She notices him adjust something under his shirt.
What is that?
Oh... uh... It's just this elastic
thing I have to wear for lumbar
What, like a girdle?
Maybe now you understand why I can't
get a date.
Yeah, well, you're not the only one.
Everybody I know has totally fucked
up problems... It seems like only
stupid people have good
That's the spirit!
I mean, I'm eighteen years old and
I've never even had a real, steady
boyfriend for more than like two
I'm starting to think that even if I
did get a girlfriend it really
wouldn't change anything.
I know. It's not like it makes all
your problems go away.
Then again, that's easy for me to
say, since I'll never even get a
date. I'm sure you have hundreds of
guys who are interested in you.
Actually, I've got a total crush on
this one guy right now, but it's a
really fucked-up situation...
Oh wait, you met him... remember
that guy Josh? I'm like practically
obsessed with him, but I can't do
anything about it because Becky would
Never mind, it's way too
Did you have problems like this when
you were my age - where you're totally
confused all the time?
I won't even dignify that with a
He gets up and looks through his shelves for a record.
(looking at his records)
I wonder if you really like all these
old records or if you only like the
fact that nobody else likes them?
(a sore subject)
The phone RINGS. Seymour ignores it.
Aren't you going to get that?
Let the machine get it. I have no
desire to talk to anyone who would
be calling me...
After several more RINGS the machine picks up and we hear
Seymour's message. After the BEEP there's a long fumbling
I knew it... it's my mother.
VOICE ON MACHINE
Uh... HI! Uh... I'm calling for...
um... you placed an ad in the Weekly
over a month ago and... well, I'm
the redhead in the yellow dress...
at least I think I am... I saw the
ad when you first placed it but I
was in this relationship at the time
so I cut it out, and now I'm not in
the relationship anymore...
God, this is really confusing...
anyway, if you still want to talk to
me I can be reached at KL5-2603,
that's my work number and my name is
Dana... um... BYE!
What was that all about?
It's just somebody's idea of a joke...
That didn't sound like a joke to
me... what, did you write a personal
ad or something?
Uh yeah. A long time ago... she called
before once... it's just somebody
trying to humiliate me.
Seymour! I promise you that wasn't a
joke -- you have to call her back!
How can you be so sure?
Well, uh... I'm an expert-about stuff
like this -- she was totally for
INT. ENID'S APARTMENT - ABOUT 10 PM
Enid enters - a light is on in the kitchen.
Pumpkin? Could you come in here for
She walks slowly to the kitchen - a suspenseful moment. She
sees, first, her Dad (wearing an apron) and then, a hauntingly
familiar MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.
Pumpkin, do you remember Maxine?
Look, I'm kind of tired - I think
I'll go to bed.
I made spaghetti. Do you want some?
I-I really have to get up early for
It's really quite something to see
you all grown up like this, Enid.
(no response from
I'd love to hear about what you're
doing. I can't help but feel that I
had some small part in how you turned
(another silent pause)
What are you studying? You were always
such a smart little girl.
I'm taking a remedial high school
art class for fuck-ups and retards.
INT. ART CLASS - DAY
A toothy, zit-covered 14-YEAR-OLD BOY poses with a very poorly-
made sculpture. A flash goes off and he jumps slightly,
sending pieces of his sculpture flying.
It's Roberta, taking photos. She moves on to Enid, in front
of her big painting.
Enid ad-libs a weird expression as... the flash goes off.
Roberta now turns to address the class.
I'm going to miss you people... I
feel that we've all done a lot of
growing this summer. I hope that
each of you feels as though you'll
be taking away something from this
experience; I know I certainly will
A long "poignant" pause as she smiles admiringly at them.
Remember, the art show is this
Saturday at seven-thirty sharp. Try
to get there at least 15 minutes
The students get their things together and file out.
Enid, can I talk to you for a minute?
Don't worry - it's nothing bad. I
was just wondering what your plans
were for next year?
I'm not really sure - working, I
Well, I know this is really short
notice, but I got a call from a very
close friend at the Academy of Art &
Design and she tells me that I'm
allowed to place one student from
your graduating class in a one year
scholarship program... and, well, I
hope you don't mind, Enid, but I
took the liberty of submitting your
She gives her a booklet and an application form.
As far as I know it includes housing
and meals and everything... it is
really quite an offer...
So what do you think?
I dunno... Would I have to take
classes and stuff?
Let me know as soon as you can, Enid.
This could be a great thing for you.
INT. INDOOR SHOPPING MALL - DAY
Enid & Rebecca are in a Crate & Barrel-type store looking at
I think one of us should fuck Josh...
God, you're really obsessed...
I am not -- I just think it'd be
funny to see what he'd do...
I thought we decided that Josh was
way too cool to be interested in
sex, and that he's the only decent
person left in the world and we would
never want to bring him down to our
level and all that...
Yeah, but maybe one of us should at
No matter what happened it would be
a big disaster... Let's just try and
keep everything the way it is.
Rebecca spots some particularly fetching dishware.
Look, we have to get these...
I can't afford stuff like this right
I'm sick of waiting - we need to
start getting stuff if we're ever
going to move.
(pause, sees towels)
Aren't these the greatest towels?
Why do you care about this kind of
Don't you want nice stuff?
I can't imagine spending money on
You don't have to. I'll pay for all
the stuff right now and you can pay
me back when you finally get a job.
Do you still want to go to that thing
That guy's band is playing tonight...
Oh yeah... maybe... Seymour's going
on his big date tonight and I kind
of want to be around when he calls,
so I can hear how bad it went.
God, I'm so sick of Seymour.
INT. DANA'S APARTMENT - EVENING
Seymour is just finishing the dinner DANA has cooked for
them at her place. Dana is an attractive redhead, about 40.
That was great - jeez, thanks again
for cooking all this.
Oh I love to cook. I guess most women
wouldn't invite a man over on the
first date, but I believe you should
trust your instincts. When I talked
to you on the phone you just seemed
so... I don't know... harmless. Ready
for ice cream?
Dana heads for the kitchen. Seymour gets up to relieve his
backache. He walks over to a framed photo on the wall.
Here we are... it's mocha mint from
Lickety Splits. Oh, isn't that
photograph just heart-rending?
Yeah ... where is this? Bosnia?
Was it Bosnia? I forget...
It's so sad, the tragedy of an entire
country eloquently captured in the
face of one little boy.
A Soul/Funk song starts up on the
radio that catches her attention.
She goes over and turns it up.
Oh, I just love this song! Isn't it
great? Doesn't it make you want to
Uh, well, that's okay - I don't dance,
Don't be silly, anyone can dance.
Here, just follow me... watch my
No, really I --
She drags him around. He's still holding his ice cream.
C'mon Seymour, it's all in your mind.
Just loosen up and feel the music!
Here, put down your bowl of ice cream.
She takes his ice cream and puts it on a table.
(checking his watch)
Hey, it's nearly nine already - we're
gonna have to leave now if we're
going to make that movie.
Oh, all right... Party-pooper! Just
let me put a few things away.
She shuts off the stereo as he sits and eats his ice cream.
I'm so excited to see this film -
Dustoffvarnya is such a brilliant
director! Did you see his last film,
The Flower That Drank The Moon? It
was simply glorious!
Uh, no. I missed that one. But what
do I know? I like Laurel and Hardy
Really? I never really cared for
those. Why does the fat one always
have to be so mean to the skinny
INT. ENID'S ROOM - EVENING
It's 9:30 PM. Enid is drawing in her sketchbook. She looks
impatiently at the phone. Time passes - it's 11 PM. She can't
stand it anymore.
INT. SEYMOUR'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Seymour picks up the phone. Dana is in the background getting
some ice in the kitchen.
Hi, it's me...
So, what happened?
Actually, it's kind of still
happening... she's over here right
now... I think everything's going
What? You're kidding me...
Yeah, so I better go -- it's not
really the best time to talk...
What, are you going to like have sex
with her on your first date?
Jesus, Enid... I'll talk to you
He hangs up. Enid is stunned... Now what? She calls Rebecca.
INT. OOMIE'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rebecca is sitting on the couch in her pajamas when the phone
RINGS. She picks it up.
Do you still want to do something
What happened to Seymour?
(still shocked by
I can't believe it - he actually
So should I come over?
Actually, I'm just about to go out
with some friends...
What are you talking about? Who?
Just some people from work...
I don't believe you.
Yeah well, you said you were busy...
look, I'd better get going... I'll
call you tomorrow.
Rebecca hangs up. Clearly, she's not going anywhere.
EXT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT
Enid stands outside Josh's door. A tentative pause; then she
knocks. Josh opens the door, stunned. Enid is wearing an
uncharacteristically "sexy" outfit.
Hi... what's up?
Can I come in?
INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
She goes in and looks around nervously... the note (Tiffany
& Amber) is tacked to the wall.
Are you the one who left that note?
Pause. Enid sits down on futon/sofa.
So what's up?
He picks up half-finished beer and drinks self-consciously.
I don't know... I'm totally
Josh doesn't respond - there's another awkward pause.
Sit over here.
He sits, tentatively. Long pause.
Do you want something to drink?
What do you mean "why"?
Are you trying to get me wasted so
you can take advantage of my womanly
"Yeah, right"... well why not? What's
so wrong with me?
Then why do you hate me so much?
When did I say I hated you?
You've never once said anything even
remotely nice to me.
You make me nervous! I always feel
like you're going out of your way to
make me feel uncomfortable so you
can laugh at me!
That's just the way I am!
Yeah, well --
It's just my stupid way of getting
attention! God, I practically love
Stunned pause, then she bravely leans forward and kisses
him. He kisses back but she is clearly the aggressor...
they get more and more into it.
Do you have any protection?
INT. JOSH'S APT. - 1 AM.
Later, post-coital on the now unfolded futon... Enid lies on
her back, Josh is face-down on top of her with his head to
the side. Enid has a blank, disillusioned stare.
(now he's romantic
You must have known all along how I --
you know -- how I felt about you --
it must be totally obvious... God...
I always used to dream about this...
Why do you have that stupid poster?
INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - DAY
It's the next morning. Josh is asleep. Enid, fully awake and
dressed, sits on the bed looking at him, thoroughly
disillusioned. She pulls out a record from his collection
and grimaces. She opens a closet door and finds an electric
(waking up, groggy,
Why do all guys have to play stupid
guitars? It's so typical... Either
they're into cars or guns or sports
or guitars... it's so obvious...
How long have you been up?
I couldn't sleep... I should get
going; I feel really weird...
Do you want to go get breakfast
I don't think we should... Look, you
have to totally promise me you won't
tell Becky about this.
Because if you do, I'll kill you!
Okay... I promise.
Just take my word for it... if she
ever finds out about this I'll never
hear the end of it...
INT. REBECCA'S ROOM - DAY
Rebecca is dressed in her best apartment-hunting outfit. She
sits on her bed, dialing the phone with the FREE WEEKLY open
on her lap. She circles something with her pen while the
Goddammit, bitch -- where are you?
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM -DAY
Enid lies perfectly still on her bed, staring at the ceiling
while the phone rings.
EXT. COOK'S CHICKEN INN - DAYTIME
Establish the restaurant.
INT. COOK'S CHICKEN INN - DAYTIME
Seymour sits alone eating lunch. We see Enid approach
stealthily from behind.
She sits across from him.
Where have you been? I've been looking
all over for you... I've been
wandering the streets day and night
trying to find you...
No, actually Joe told me you were
here... so how come you never call
I know, I'm sorry... I-I've been
Yeah, I'll bet! So, how's it going
with what's-her-name? Dana?
(he looks nervously
at his watch)
Oh... pretty well, surprisingly...
So, what kind of stuff do you guys
do together? Is she into old records
Sort of... she doesn't dislike any
of that stuff... she's trying,
anyway... actually, we're supposed
to go antique shopping for her
apartment this afternoon...
Seymour looks again at his watch.
We really should get together sometime
soon... I-I'll definitely call you
this week --
What, are you trying to get rid of
No... no, it's just that I should
get going in a few minutes, and --
Aren't you even going to ask me how
I-I'm sorry... uh so... uh... how --
I dunno... okay, I guess...
I fucked that guy Josh finally...
...so... is he your boyfriend now?
Maybe... I dunno... He wants to be,
of course. I'm weighing several offers
at the present time...
Suddenly, Dana enters.
Seymour?... uh... hello... I guess
I'm a little early...
(pause as the gears
Uh, Dana... this is Enid...
It's great to finally meet you!
Dana sits next to Seymour, facing Enid.
(looking back and
forth between Enid
How do you two know each other?
I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned me
we're old friends.
Yes, we're very close... In fact, I
was standing right next to Seymour
the first time you called. If not
for me, he would have never called
Is that right?
Seymour begins to stammer some kind of response.
Oops! Look at the time! I've got to
run! I'll stop by to see you some
(then to Dana)
It was really great to meet you!
INT. ENID'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT EVENING
Enid is in her room getting dressed. Dad enters.
I have some good news for you,
What is it now?
Are you still looking for a job?
Well, Maxine thinks she can get you
a sales job at Computer Station.
Normally you have to have references
and at least two years of experience,
but she thinks she can convince them.
Tell her to forget it - I don't need
INT. COMMUNITY CENTER - EVENING
A homemade banner reads: "HIGH SCHOOL ART SHOW - BROTHERHOOD
AND COMMUNITY: ART AS DIALOGUE." Along one wall is all the
work from Roberta's class: a collection of eccentric abstract
bric-a-brac and Enid's large painting. The painting has drawn
a small crowd. We see a chain of events beginning with three
PARENTS talking to a matronly DIRECTOR/CURATOR who in turn
seeks out Roberta (wearing make-up and fancy-ish clothes for
the first time).
I'm afraid you're simply going to
have to take that painting down.
Several of the parents have
I will do no such thing.
Then you leave me no other choice
than to remove it myself!
She marches towards it. Roberta runs after her.
I think we should give the artist a
chance to talk to the parents about
her intentions with this piece...
We should be promoting discussion as
a solution, not censorship.
Roberta sees Margaret and grabs her.
Margaret, have you seen Enid?
Margaret shrugs "no." ROBERTA looks through the crowd. A
college-age news-hack-type with a FREE WEEKLY T-SHIRT snaps
a photo of the DIRECTOR removing Enid's painting.
EXT. SEYMOUR'S APT. BLDG. - EVENING
Enid, dressed as though for a glamorous date, stands knocking
on Seymour's door.
Oh... uh, hi... What's up?
INT. SEYMOUR'S PLACE - CONTINUOUS
Enid worms her way past his unwelcoming stance. Seymour is
wearing designer stone-washed denim jeans that look ridiculous
on him. Joe can be seen in the kitchen.
I'm going to this stupid art show
and I want you to be my date...
There's something I have to show
I... I don't know. I don't really
think I should...
Of course you should. C'mon, I'm
already a million hours late.
...I better not...
Well forget the art show... let's do
I... I wish I could, Enid, but I
really can't right now... I -- it's
just that I --
Well when can we do something?
It's just that, well, you know, Dana
just got out of a really bad
relationship and I don't want to
give her the wrong idea... you know...
(walking by with his
Don't mind me, I'll just be in my
Where did you get those pants?
Oh, uh... they were a present from
And you like them?
Well, you know... what do I know
about clothes... I've never been the
most fashionable guy -- it's nice to
have someone do all the work for
So that's it? You don't ever want to
see me again?
No, of course I do... It's just that
right now I need to --
What's her problem anyway? Did she
actually tell you you couldn't see
No, no... not exactly... she just
doesn't understand how I would know
somebody like you...
What does she mean by that - "somebody
Just someone so young...
You must have done something to make
her think you like me.
I... I don't think so.
Does that mean you don't like me?
No, of course not.
(looks him in the eye)
So, do you like me, Seymour?
In what way do you mean?
In whatever way you think I mean.
(not sure what to
say; long pause)
I don't know... I'm sorry, but Dana's
a very jealous person. I just don't
want to screw that up right now...
I'm sure she'll dump me soon and we
can go back to being friends...
I don't think you understand how I
really feel about you, Seymour.
...What do you mean?
Nothing. Don't worry, I won't bother
you any more.
EXT. ENID'S NEIGHBORHOOD - EVENING
A LONG SHOT of Enid as she walks home alone.
EXT. RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Enid & Rebecca walk down the street. Both wear landlord
friendly J. Crew outfits.
Where are we? This is a weird
It's a totally normal, average
I just mean it's weird to me...
I've never been anywhere near here
in my life.
Josh says this is a really good
What? When did you see Josh?!
He came into work.
Why? What did he say?
When was this?
I don't know! God, don't act so
jealous I only talked to him for two
They walk along in conspicuous silence.
Twenty-seven fifty-three... do you
That must be it...
What?! It looks totally normal...
what's wrong with it?
I said "great"...
Oh yeah, I can tell you really love
Well, what am I supposed to say? "I
can't wait to live in some depressing
shit-hole in the middle of nowhere"?!
There's something wrong with every
single place we look at! Why don't
you just come right out and tell me
you don't want to move in with me?!
Because you'll freak out and act
like a total psycho about it.
A few passersby stop to watch.
You're the psycho! You haven't been
able to deal with anything since
high school ended!
You're the one who's still living
out some stupid seventh-grade fantasy!
(as she walks away
giving her the finger)
FUCK YOU! Have fun living with your
dad for the rest of your life!
INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
Enid is on her bed, crying. Her jacket and shoes are strewn
about the floor.
God FUCK YOU TOO!
We see her Dad standing outside her bedroom. As he enters he
tries to make enough noise so that she notices him before
she really embarrasses herself. She stops crying and pretends
to be asleep.
Pumpkin? What's wrong?
(her back to him,
Dad sits next to her on the bed and puts his hand on her
If there's something wrong I wish
you'd tell me about it...
Enid pulls away from him and sits up on the opposite side of
the bed, facing away from him
It's nothing -- it's just some
hormonal thing... don't worry about
I've got some important news to tell
you, but it can wait till later if
you're not feeling...
(speaking slowly and
Well... as you know, Maxine and I
have been seeing a lot of each other,
and we decided it might be a good
idea for all of us if she came back
here to live at the end of the Summer,
just so we can all get to know each
other and to make sure this is what
Enid maintains a poker face for several long seconds before
she bursts into tears, utterly defeated.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALL - DAY
Enid, determined, walks down the empty halls. She goes into
a room marked "Art Class".
INT. ART CLASS - CONTINUOUS
Roberta is in there with a bearded EX-HIPPY COLLEAGUE.
They're covering a STUDENT in plaster.
Hi I brought over my application for
the art academy... I hope it's not
Roberta, absorbed in her plastering, glances at Enid.
Just a minute...
Then, realizing who it is...
Enid! I'm so sorry about what
What do you mean?
The whole business with the art show
and the newspaper -- it's absolutely --
Didn't Principal Jaffee call you?
I didn't check my messages...
Oh my goodness... well, the whole
thing is just ridiculous, and as
soon as the school board is back in
session next Fall I'm going to do
everything I can to help you.
Help me what?
Well they're forcing me to give you
a non-passing grade in the class
because of what happened at the
exhibition... but don't worry -- I'm
sure I'll be able to get you your
diploma in the Fall!
But... can I still get that
scholarship to the Art Academy?
I'm sorry, Enid - you have to be an
official high school graduate before
I can nominate you. I had to give
it to someone else... But I'm sure
next year I can --
The PLASTER-COVERED STUDENT makes an uncomfortable moaning
(flustered, to Roberta)
Hey, can you help me out over here?
EXT. QUALITY CAFE - EVENING (SAME DAY)
Enid walks the streets - it's dark out now. She goes by the
Cafe - it's CLOSED FOR REMODELING.
EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/BUS STOP - LATER
She continues walking until she's across the street from
Norman's bus stop. She sees him there, as always. Suddenly,
a BUS, well-lit from the inside and completely empty, pulls
up to the stop and Norman gets on.
INT. SEYMOUR'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (ABOUT 11 PM)
A knock on the door - Seymour shuffles out in T-shirt, pants,
and goofy slippers. He looks through the peephole and sees
Enid. He opens the door.
What are you doing here?
I had to see you.
Can you at least let me in?
Uh... sure... come in.
Look, I just need somebody to be
nice to me for five minutes and then
I'll leave you alone.
What's the matter?
Do you have anything to drink?
Enid goes to look for herself.
Uh... I think there's some root
What about this?
She returns from the kitchen with a giant bottle of champagne.
That's Dana's - I'm supposed to be
saving it for our two-month
anniversary. You better not --
(as she starts opening)
FUCK DANA. I'm sick of Dana.
She opens it and drinks straight from the bottle. Seymour's
look says: "Oh well, I'm fucked, I give up."
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Enid & Seymour sit on the bed listening to old records and
drinking out of the bottle.
You need a bigger place - this is
like a little kid's room.
I could never move - I've got too
Enid notices an extremely ugly modern sculpture in the corner.
She goes over and picks it up.
Where did you get this?
Dana bought it when we went antique
shopping. She said it didn't go with
her stuff, so she gave it to me...
she thought it fit in better with my
"old time thingamajigs."
Jesus, how can you stand her?
Seymour takes another slug off the bottle.
God, she's going to kill me... this
bottle is half-empty!
That's great! "Half-empty" - that's
what I like about you, Seymour, you're
a natural pessimist!
If you expect the worst, you're never
What are you talking about? You're
disappointed every minute of your
I'm just being realistic.
At least you're not like every other
stupid guy in the world - all they
care about are guitars and sports...
they're all such fags!
I hate sports.
How come in all that time I was trying
to get you a date, you never asked
You're a beautiful young girl... I
can't imagine you would ever have
had any interest in me, except as an
amusingly cranky eccentric curiosity.
Yeah, but still... it's kind of
insulting for a girl to be ignored
I mean... of course I... why wouldn't
I want to go out with you?
I dunno... I always feel like
everybody secretly hates me. I'm
just paranoid I guess. I mean, you
like me don't you? We're good friends,
Yeah, sure. Of course.
...Maybe I should just move in here
with you... I could do all the cooking
and dust your record collection and
stuff until I get a job.
What about Joe?
Oh yeah... and Dana...
(says her name with
You were a lot more fun before you
met Dana. You've been acting way too
normal lately... you're a bitter,
twisted, fucked-up guy, Seymour,
that's why I like you.
(more drunk than before)
Yeah, well I like you too...
TEN MINUTES LATER
The bottle is empty.
You know what my number one fantasy
used to be?
I used to think about one day not
telling anybody and just taking off
and going to some random place...
Do you ever think about stuff like
I guess I probably used to when I
was your age.
It would have to be some totally
average day when nobody was expecting
it, and I'd just disappear and they'd
never see me again.
Sounds like a healthy way to deal
with your problems.
You know what we should do? Let's go
get in your car right now and just
take off! We could just drive away
and find some new place and start a
whole new life... fuck everybody!
I don't think I'm in any condition
I'll drive, then -- we'll go out in
a blaze of glory!
So where would we go?
Who cares? Let's just go... what's
I dunno, I...
I'm serious! I'm just so sick of
everybody! Why can't I just do
whatever I want?
What do you want?
What do you want?
What's the matter with you, Seymour?
Don't you like me? Be a man for once
in your life!
She kisses him passionately. He's shocked but kisses back.
This escalates, leading to the sex act, shown with merciful
WE SEE Enid & Seymour, post-coital.
God, Dana's going to kill you!
...Do you really want us to drive
What?... Maybe... no... I dunno...
I will if you want to.
No... forget it...
I-I never expected anything like
this to happen...
Yeah, well... me neither...
You must know I always... did you
really mean all that about moving in
I was just thinking out loud...
(doesn't want to hurt
I mean, you've got this whole thing
with Dana -- I'm not going to let
you fuck that up...
Shhh... I really need to get some
Enid turns her back to him. We see from REVERSE ANGLE that
she's only pretending to be asleep. She looks troubled, as
though she's just made a big mistake. Seymour puts his arm
around her. It's the only time we've seen him look relaxed
He kisses her arm and goes to sleep.
INT. SEYMOUR'S ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
Seymour wakes up. Enid is gone.
INT. DANA'S OFFICE - EXPANSION REALTY - DAY
Dana is on the phone. A lantern-jawed male COLLEAGUE listens
in, his head pressed up against hers.
It's a thirty-year fixed at five and-
Seymour nervously enters her "workspace". Dana is pleasantly
surprised - she stops her conversation.
Seymour! Hello! What are you doing
Oh -- please - don't let me interrupt
finish your phone call.
We're almost done.
(she continues into
Hi. Yeah... no, it's excluded.
They've already paid the earnest
money... well, let them bring it up
if they notice it at the final walk
through. Right, great, sounds good!
She hangs up and high-fives her colleague. They bear-hug.
Great job! I'm proud of ya! Well,
I'll check you guys later. I'm gonna
go start the paperwork.
Colleague leaves; Dana turns to Seymour.
Hey... so, what brings you down here?
I uh... I feel that I need to uh --
there's something I feel I have to
say... I uh, I've never said this to
anyone before -- believe me, I've
stayed in horrible relationships for
years just so I wouldn't have to do
this, but I uh...
What are you trying to say?
It's just that I feel like it's maybe
not a good idea for us to keep going
Dana sits down, staring ahead, stunned for a moment. Suddenly
she breaks down sobbing.
I-I honestly never intended for this
Please tell me it isn't that teenager!
Enid and I were just friends. You
know... we feel comfortable around
each other... she really likes my
old records and...
I can't believe this! I thought at
the very least a guy like you would
never pull this kind of shit on me!
She starts crying again. Seymour awkwardly tries to comfort
Dana, I... um...
Dana pushes him away violently.
You disgusting pig! You're just an
overgrown baby who can't deal with a
woman your own age. You pathetic
weakling! You make me sick!
INT. ENID'S ROOM - THE SAME DAY
Enid is now utterly defeated. The phone rings. She lets the
machine pick it up. Maxine enters.
May I ask what you're doing?
I want to know what you think you're
doing, staying out all night and
worrying your father to death!
Oh yeah, like he even noticed.
Listen, young lady... I know you
don't like me -- I don't really care
whether you do or not -- but I will
not allow you to treat your father
the way you do.
We hear Seymour on the machine in the background...
I really want to talk to you. I've
been thinking about what you said
about moving in here...
I can treat him any way I want to -
I'm an adult! Leave me alone!
Maxine leaves. Seymour finishes his message. Enid picks up
the phone and dials.
I need to talk to you.
INT. THE COFFEE EXPERIENCE - DAY
Enid & Rebecca sit at a table. Rebecca is wearing her uniform.
I'm sorry about the other day. I
don't know what's wrong with me...
I really do want to move in with
I don't know... I was thinking maybe
I should live alone. I decided to
rent that place we looked at. I'm
moving in next week.
Please let me come with you. Please
I don't know - I'm not sure it's a
Of course it's a good idea... it's
But how are you gonna pay rent and
everything? You don't even have a
I'll get a job tomorrow, I promise.
If I don't, you can totally tell me
to fuck off.
INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATE MORNING
Enid is putting on her shoes. Her Dad opens the door slightly
and sticks his head in.
Pumpkin, are you in there?
Are you going to yell at me?
Yeah, I heard about that.
I was in a horrible mood - tell her
not to worry, I'll be completely out
of her life in a few days.
She understands what you're going
through and she really wants to help
you. She says that job at Computer
Station is still available if you
I-I'm not sure... yeah, maybe.
Actually, I was just checking to see
if you were here - your friend Seymour
is on his way up.
What do you mean "on his way up"!?
I just buzzed him in.
Just then, three sharp KNOCKS on the front door.
What's wrong with you?! Tell him I'm
But I can't --
JUST DO IT!
Dad goes to answer the door. Enid hides in her room.
I'm not sure when she'll be back...
Enid looks out the window and sees Seymour walking away. She
has a terribly sad look on her face.
INT. SEYMOUR'S BEDROOM - EVENING
Seymour sits in dim light, dialing an antique "candlestick"
telephone. In the background, a Peter, Paul and Mary concert
plays on the TV. We hear three rings followed by Enid's
answering machine message. He hangs up before it finishes.
Joe walks by the doorway.
Well, here's where the fun never
Yeah, I'm really, really happy.
Really having a good time.
Still torturing yourself over that
Seymour doesn't answer. He looks away.
Where else am I ever going to find
another girl who likes Geeshie Wiley
She could at least have the decency
to call me back.
Maybe she was just using you to try
and get back at some guy. Who knows?
It could be a million things. It's
wasted time trying to logically figure
out the female brain, that's for
Again no answer from Seymour, he stares off into space.
Maybe she's got another boyfriend.
(bummed out, wants
Joe to stop)
Yeah, well... thanks for cheering me
Seymour looks so miserable that even Joe has some compassion
Look at it this way - at least things
can't get any worse.
Joe leaves. Seymour is left listening to the record.
INT. COOK'S CHICKEN HEADQUARTERS - DAY.
Seymour is at work, walking down a carpeted hallway with
many doors on both sides. A door opens and a Tony Robbins-
ish, 35 year-old MANAGEMENT EXECUTIVE sticks his head out.
Seymour! Just the man I want to see.
Step in here for a minute.
Have a seat.
He plunks down the current issue of THE FREE WEEKLY - it's
open to a 1/2 page article on page 8 with the headline "Oh
Brother!" and a photo of THE PAINTING being removed.
What can you tell me about this,
INT. ENID & REBECCA'S NEW APT.
Enid is wearing a bright orange "Computer Station" T-shirt
and a yellow vest with a "trainee" tag. She's looking around
at her new home: a hopelessly drab, characterless apartment.
So, whaddya think?
So where's all your stuff?
Enid points to a small box with sketchbook, etc.
That's all you're bringing?
I'm gonna finish packing tonight...
I'll bring it over tomorrow sometime.
Make sure you're here by noon - we
have tons of stuff to do... Oh yeah!
I have to show you something else!
She drags Enid into the kitchen and opens a BUILT-IN IRONING
BOARD as though it's the most amazing thing she's ever-seen.
Isn't this the greatest?
INT. ENID'S ROOM - LATE EVENING
Enid is sorting her stuff into boxes. Digging through her
closet, she finds a box that she doesn't recognize. Inside
are her old children's records (45's). She excitedly takes
one out and plays it. She folds her clothes while listening
to this song, which clearly is getting to her. She grabs
mechanically for the next thing hanging in her closet. It's
the uniform from her job at "Computer Station." She folds
it, puts it in the box, then stops, staring at the orange
INT. ENID AND REBECCA'S APT. - THE NEXT DAY
Rebecca is nervously arranging and re-arranging her stuff.
She puts up her gigantic new kitchen wall clock and sets the
time to 12:45. She goes to the phone and calls Enid. The
machine picks up and Rebecca hangs up. She does another
tedious, pointless task. IT'S NOW 3:30. She's pissed off and
goes to the phone to call again. As it rings there's a knock
on the door. Relieved, she hangs up and goes to answer.
(as she opens the
What's wrong with you, retard - it's
It's Seymour standing there, not Enid.
Uh... hi. Uh... Enid's stepmother
told me I'd find her here?
She's not at home?
No... they said she was here...
What the fuck is she doing?! She was
supposed to be here three hours ago!
Uh, do you mind if I wait? I really
need to talk to her.
(allows him to step
inside but leaves
the door open)
Are you sure she wasn't there? Maybe
she was just hiding from you.
Why would she be hiding from me?
I don't know... where is she, then?
Maybe she's with Josh?
Josh!? Why would she be with Josh?
I don't know.
Why? What did she tell you?
She just mentioned him a few times
and said that they had been dating -
I thought maybe she was...
What? Is she having some secret affair
I have no idea - I just want to...
Why wouldn't she tell me? There's no
way! She could never keep that to
herself... you're crazy.
Really, I don't know enough about it
back to me)
Why did you say she might be hiding
from me? Did she say anything to you
(getting revenge on
Yeah, she thinks you're a dork.
Did she say that?
Look, what do you expect? Considering
how we met you.
What do you mean?
On that pathetic fake blind date.
What are you talking about?
Didn't she ever tell you about that?
God, she really is pathological...
What fake blind date? What are you
Rebecca goes over and gets Enid's sketchbook out of the box
and flips through it. When she gets to the right page she
hands it to Seymour.
Here. Read it and weep.
We see a pasted-up PERSONAL AD beside a DRAWING OF SEYMOUR
in Wowsville. On the facing page we see a drawing of JOSH
with his name surrounded by RED HEARTS.
EXT. SIDEWINDER - AFTERNOON
Seymour's car screeches into the parking lot. He bursts into
the store, ready for once in his life to make a scene.
INT. SIDEWINDER - AFTERNOON
Josh is behind the counter cleaning the Slurpee machine,
with his back to the entrance, as Seymour storms in. Doug is
over by the magazine rack reading a dirt bike magazine.
I hope you had a good laugh at my
Josh turns around - what's going on? He recognizes Seymour.
Huh... oh... hi... uh...
You want to see something funny?
I'll show you something funny!
As he says this he flips over a SMALL DISPLAY RACK of potato
chips. Then he tries to flip over a BIG DISPLAY CASE in front
of the counter but is unable to budge it - he keeps trying
and gets more and more frustrated.
Josh runs from behind the counter to stop him before he
creates a huge mess. He tries to grab Seymour and they get
into a ridiculous frantic scuffle. Seymour starts yelling.
Suddenly Doug appears and gets Seymour in a choke hold with
his nunchucks. Doug ad-libs cop-style jargon. Josh is freaked
out. Seymour realizes what a fool he is and starts to cry.
The Boss comes out of the back room...
Josh! What going on here?!
INT. ENID & REBECCA'S APARTMENT - AROUND MIDNIGHT
The apartment is dark - lit only by a harsh, annoying
streetlight. Rebecca sits on the couch in sweat clothes,
exasperated. She goes to look out the window. Cars with loud
radios can be heard driving by. She goes to the phone - she
checks it and hangs up. Pause. She picks it up again - one
last try. She dials the number and waits. We hear the BEEP
of the answering machine. Rebecca hangs up.
She gets into a sleeping bag (spread out in the center of a
cold linoleum floor). She zips the zipper all the way over
her head and curls up into a whimpering ball.
FADE TO BLACK
TITLE CARD: "SEVERAL MONTHS LATER"
INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY
The dialogue begins in voice-over as the title card fades.
We slowly fade in to see Seymour, lying on a pink pastel
psychiatrist's couch, as he speaks to his THERAPIST, a
handsome, well-coiffed woman in her late 40s.
I have to admit, things have really
started looking up for me since my
life turned to shit.
So tell me more about this job.
What exactly will you be doing?
Well, mostly archival research,
cataloguing old records and writing
liner notes for their CD reissues.
It's really... I can't believe it.
Remember what I said when we first
started -- this little breakdown
might turn out to be the best thing
that ever happened to you!
It doesn't pay very much, but I should
be able to afford my own place in a
few months... Do you think that's
too soon? I'm really anxious to get
my record collection out of storage...
Why don't we start with that next
Seymour looks up. She nods toward the large wall clock behind
her: thirty seconds after five. Re gets up and she walks him
slowly toward the door.
Thank you, doctor.
(as she opens the
Don't thank me. You're doing all the
A pause. They stand facing each other.
Do you have a check for me?
Seymour takes a filled-out check from his shirt pocket. In
the waiting room, we see SEYMOUR'S MOTHER.
Seymour? Are you done? Did you have
a chance to think about what you
might want for dinner while you were
We can talk about it in the car,
As they leave Seymour looks back and smiles weakly at the
INT. QUALITY CAFE - LATE AFTERNOON
The Cafe has been FULLY REMODELED and now resembles Wowsville
more than the old Quality Cafe. There are no neighborhood
"characters" anymore, only well-heeled twenty-somethings. We
see that Rebecca is now a waitress here. She tears off a
check and places it in front of a super-muscular, polo shirted
EUROPEAN HIPSTER, who is too busy tapping away at his
POWERBOOK to notice.
She walks toward the end of the counter to total up her
receipts. She looks up and sees Enid, wearing tasteful 1930's
style clothes, sitting across from her.
Oh, hi... I almost didn't recognize
you -- I think I need to get glasses;
you're all blurry!
You're lucky then, you can't see the
veins on that guy's biceps.
Actually, he's a really nice guy.
We see at this point that Rebecca & Enid are no longer
friends, but there are also no hard feelings evident.
Do you want anything?
Maybe an orange juice.
Rebecca goes to get it. Enid looks around, bemused and
saddened by what The Quality Cafe has become.
Hey, look what I got...
She takes a crumpled envelope from her pocket and pulls out
It just came yesterday...
Pause. Josh enters. Enid turns around.
Are you ready to go?
For a moment it's not clear who he's talking to, and then:
Yeah, just one second...
She finishes, takes off her apron and emerges from behind
the counter. She kisses Josh perfunctorily.
Did you remember to pay the phone
Call me sometime.
Definitely. We still have to go to
that shoe store sometime.
Rebecca & Josh leave. Enid is totally alone in the now-alien
world of the Quality Cafe. A momentary pause as she calmly
stares into her orange juice. We see a small, round TRAVEL
BAG at her feet.
EXT. CITY STREETS/ACME SHOES - EVENING
We see Enid walking down the familiar streets of her world.
It's early evening, quiet except for distant street noises.
She walks toward the old ACME SHOES AND REPAIR STORE. It
looks the same, miraculously preserved, until she stands
right in front of it. She looks through the partially papered
over window and sees WORKMEN inside installing new fixtures:
a modern counter and several small tables, all made from a
FAMILIAR GREEN PLASTIC. A sign in the window reads: "Coming
Soon: Another COFFEE EXPERIENCE.
EXT. CITY STREET - EVENING
She continues walking as the sun has set and there is a calm
stillness to the city. She turns a corner and is startled by
her reflection in a large window made of one-way glass. She
stops and looks at herself. Everything about her looks perfect
for once; no need to change a thing. She moves closer to the
glass and, shading her eyes, tries to look inside.
She continues walking. Darkness is just setting in and she
has the street all to herself.
EXT. COMMERCIAL AREA/BUS STOP - NIGHT
We see Enid at NORMAN'S BUS STOP, sitting on the bench. She
looks at the apartment building across the street. A woman
who has just arrived home from work turns on the TV, bathing
her living room with that EERIE BLUE LIGHT. The same thing
happens in another window down the street... then another...
Enid looks down the street. In the distance A BUS rounds the
corner and heads toward her.
From a third-story window across the street, we see the bus
as it arrives and stops, blocking Enid from view. A moment
later it pulls away, leaving an empty bench. The CAMERA moves
upward, farther and farther away as the music swells and the
EXT. BRIDGE - EVENING
The bus disappears over the crest of the bridge.