HALL PASS
Written by
Peter Farrelly, Bobby Farrelly, Kevin Barnett & Pete Jones
September 18, 2009
FADE IN:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Very late. All is quiet. Then a battered MINI-VAN blows by
a row of hedges that have been pruned to read: 'WELCOME TO
CAPE COD.' A moment later a FLASHING COP CAR flies by in HOT
PURSUIT.
INT. MINI-VAN - SAME
The WINDSHIELD IS GONE and the wind blows back the hair of
two BEAT-UP-LOOKING MEN. The driver, FRED SEARING, 40-ish,
has a look of determination and resolve on his chunky face,
despite the BLACK EYE and BLOOD-STAINED TISSUE dangling out
of his nose. The nervous passenger is RICK MILLS, 38.
RICK
Pull over, man!
FRED
No way, I can out-run 'em!
RICK
No you can't--not in this thing!
Another POLICE CRUISER FISHTAILS OUT OF A SIDE STREET and
JOINS THE CHASE.
RICK (CONT'D)
Oh God, now there's two of 'em!
FRED
I don't care--I'm not stopping 'til
we get there!
RICK
Are you crazy?!
FRED
Yeah, I'm crazy! I'm crazy about my
wife!
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A CAPE COD HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Rick and Fred come SKIDDING UP to the EMERGENCY ENTRANCE
followed by the two police cruisers. When they stop, we see
that somebody has spray-painted 'HORNY OLD MAN' on the side
of the mini-van.
Fred jumps out and SPRINTS toward the entrance. SEVERAL COPS
spring from their cars and give chase. Before Fred can reach
the front doors, he gets KNOCKED VIOLENTLY to the ground.
Rick climbs out of the passenger seat with HIS HANDS RAISED.
RICK
Hear me out, gentlemen, I can
explain every--!
AS A BURLY OFFICER'S HEAD CONNECTS WITH RICK'S CHEST, we...
FREEZE FRAME
2.
.And FADE TO BLACK... and then:
SMASH CUT TO:
Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:
TWO WEEKS EARLIER
FADE BACK IN:
INT. RICK'S FAMILY ROOM - DAY
ON TV SCREEN - a video shows several YOUNG PEOPLE, early-
20's, sunning themselves at the beach. A YOUNG-LOOKING RICK
hams it up for the camera.
RICK (O.S.)
See the stud in the blue shorts?
That's me the summer I got out of
college.
LITTLE GIRL'S VOICE (O.S.)
Wow, Dad, you used to have muscles.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals EMMA, 6, and GUNNAR, 4, sitting on
either side of Rick.
RICK
I still have a few.
GUNNAR
Where?
Rick shoots him a look.
RICK
They're hidden.
BACK ON TV SCREEN - A PRETTY GIRL with a knockout body comes
up and puts her arms around Rick.
EMMA
Who's that girl?
RICK
That's Mommy.
EMMA
No, I mean the young one standing
next to you.
RICK
That's Mommy.
EMMA
Mommy used to have long hair? And
she wore a bikini?
RICK
(WISTFULLY)
Yes she did.
3.
EMMA
How come she doesn't wear a bikini
anymore?
GUNNAR
Is it because of her fat ass?
RICK
I guess. What? No. Who said Mommy's
got a fat ass?
GUNNAR
Mommy.
LONG BEAT.
RICK
Well, uh, I don't appreciate that
language, Gunnar. You've got the
best mom in the whole world--don't
ever say anything bad about her.
Just then, MAGGIE comes GRUNTING into the room carrying a ONE-
YEAR-OLD BABY in one arm and a basket of laundry in the
other. She's in her late-30's, cute, with short, manageable
mommy hair. She's wearing SWEATPANTS, an OVERSIZED T-SHIRT,
and NO MAKE-UP.
RICK (CONT'D)
Hey beautiful, you better get a
move on--we're supposed to be
meeting Fred and Grace soon.
MAGGIE
I know, I know, I'm trying.
RICK
Well how long you gonna be?
MAGGIE
Forty-five minutes--sooner if you
help with the kids.
Maggie looks to him, hopeful.
RICK
(NONCHALANT)
Forty-five minutes is good.
Maggie shoots him a look and Rick smiles.
RICK (CONT'D)
I'm kidding. Okay, kids, first one
in the tub gets college paid for.
Emma and Gunnar just stare at him.
RICK (CONT'D)
Come on, you bums, let's go!
4.
As Rick starts to tickle his kids they run out of the room,
AND WE
CUT TO:
EXT. SIDEWALK - EVENING
Rick and Maggie walk along hand-in-hand. They're dressed-up
and happy-looking.
RICK
I miss going out with you on
Saturday nights.
She smiles at him.
MAGGIE
I know, it's just like the old
days.
Rick pulls Maggie close as they walk.
RICK
Maybe we should make a rule that we
go out at least six nights a week
without the kids.
Maggie GIGGLES.
RICK (CONT'D)
I'm serious. We should go out every
week--just you and me.
A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE walks past them and Rick gives a QUICK
GLANCE back AT HER ASS.
RICK (CONT'D)
I think it'd be healthy.
MAGGIE
You gotta be kidding me?
Maggie pulls away.
RICK
What?
MAGGIE
You just checked out that girl's
butt.
RICK
I did?
MAGGIE
Yeah, you did, and it's rude.
RICK
Why? You think she saw me?
MAGGIE
saw you.
5.
RICK
Oh, uh, yeah. I'm sorry, honey, I'm
just kind of spacey today.
GRACE (O.S.)
Come on, we're late!
REVERSE ANGLE reveals Fred Searing and his wife GRACE, 38,
waiting outside a restaurant. Fred sports a full-head of
hair that's maybe a little too stiff. Grace is short and
appealing in a Rachel Ray kind of way. Fred leans in to kiss
Maggie as Rick kisses Grace.
MAGGIE
Grace, let me ask you something:
Does Fred ever check out other
women in front of you?
GRACE
No, Fred's not a gawker.
Grace pats a pleased-looking Fred on the head.
GRACE (CONT'D)
Come on, Mags, let's go say hi to
Dr. Lucy.
We follow the women as they leave their husbands and ENTER
the restaurant under a banner that says, 'Boston Psychiatric
Association Person of the Year.'
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
Grace and Maggie approach the check-in table.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
There they are!
ANOTHER ANGLE reveals DR. LUCY GILBERT, a very attractive and
sophisticated-looking 40-year-old, holding court in the
corner.
GRACE
Dr. Lucy! Congratulations!
DR. LUCY
Girls, thank you so much for
coming.
Dr. Lucy speaks with a FRENCH ACCENT.
MAGGIE
Are you kidding me? You're the only
friend of ours who ever got an
award--you think we're going to
miss that?
ANGLE ON Rick and Fred standing at the bar.
FRED
Do you mind telling me how your
wife catches you checking out
another girl? What is this, amateur
hour?
6.
The BARTENDER delivers a couple beers and Rick pays.
RICK
The girl walked past and I glanced
back at her for like half a second.
FRED
There's your problem, dumb-ass--
it's the wrong order. You don't
wait for the girl to walk past and
then glance back. You turn when
she's still fifteen feet in front
of you...then you wait for her to
walk into your line of vision.
Fred NOTICES an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN walking toward them from the
right.
FRED (CONT'D)
Observe.
Before the woman reaches them, Fred turns to his left and
holds the look until the Attractive Woman's ASS ENTERS HIS
VIEW and he watches her walk away.
FRED (CONT'D)
You see? I can't help it if her
butt walks where I'm already
looking.
RICK
(GETTING IT)
It was your air space.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Hey, guys.
They turn to see a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN with a healthy tan walking
past carrying several drinks. This is MISSY FRANKENFIELD,
mid-30's.
RICK AND FRED
Hey, Missy.
MISSY
(CALLING back to them)
Don't forget to mingle!
The guys watch Missy walk away.
FRED
Wow. Missy's looking pretty good
for someone going through a
divorce.
RICK
Yeah, that's rough stuff--I heard
they might have to sell the house.
FRED
Too bad. You gonna hit 'em up for
the listing?
7.
RICK
What am I, a vulture? Nah, I don't
go after the divorcee business
unless they approach me first.
FRED
Yeah, it's kind of tacky, huh?
As the guys crane their necks to get a better view of Missy's
ass, we...
REVERSE ANGLE to reveal Maggie, Grace and Dr. Lucy sipping
lemondrops and watching Rick and Fred from across the room.
GRACE
Look at those two meatheads
checking out Missy Frankenfield.
What, do they think they're
invisible over there?
MAGGIE
I thought you said Fred wasn't a
gawker.
GRACE
He was standing right next to you.
I can't let him know that I know--
that would take all the fun out of
it.
(CHUCKLES)
You should see him. He's got some
stupid move where he looks back
before the girl passes to make it
seem like he couldn't help but
notice her ass. It's pathetic.
Maggie and Dr. Lucy GIGGLE.
CUT TO:
EXT. RICK AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Rick's car is parked in the driveway, and he and Maggie are
getting out.
RICK
How about I drive the babysitter
home while you go upstairs and
prepare the altar?
He puts his arm around her as they walk toward the front
door.
MAGGIE
I want to, honey, but I've got to
get up early with the kids.
RICK
I'll get up with the kids.
MAGGIE
But I have to go out and buy a gift-
-they're going to a birthday party
tomorrow.
8.
RICK
I'll cjet the gift, then I'll take
the kids to the park, then to the
party. You can dust stay in bed,,
get your beauty sleep, and bask in
the sweet, sweet pounding I'm about
to give you.
MAGGIE
I love it when you sweet-talk me.
Maggie smiles but as Rick opens the front door they FREEZE IN
THEIR TRACKS.
THEIR POV - the babysitter (PAIGE, 20, cute) is standing
there with their 4-year-old, Gunnar.
GUNNAR
Mommy! Daddy!
RICK
(DEFLATED)
Little buddy.. .what are you doing
up?
Gunnar runs into his mother's arms and Maggie shrugs
apologetically to Rick.
RICK (CONT'D)
This is just a minor obstacle.
CUT TO:
INT. RICK'S MINI-VAN - NIGHT
Rick is at the wheel of his Dodge Caravan and Paige sits in
the passenger seat. She is on the busty side.
RICK
How were the kids tonight?
PAIGE
Perfect. That Gunnar is so cute--
all he wants to do is wrestle with
me.
Rick smiles at this.
PAIGE (CONT'D)
Mr. Mills, would it be okay to turn
down the air--I'm a little chilly.
Look--I got goose bumps.
As she HOLDS OUT HER ARM to show him the GOOSE-BUMPS, we
RACK FOCUS BEYOND HER ARM to the ERECT NIPPLES that are
PIERCING THROUGH HER SHEER TOP like small tents.
BACK ON Rick as his EYES GO WIDE WITH TERROR and he looks
away.
9.
RICK
Oh, uh, sure, I'm sorry.
Flustered, he moves to the temperature control which in LARGE
ILLUMINATED DIGITAL TYPE reads: 69!!! He quickly PUNCHES THE
A/C OFF, then trains his eyes straight ahead and grips the
steering wheel tight at ten-and-two.
PAIGE
Thank you.
RICK
'Welcome.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - NIGHT
The mini-van pulls up in front of a sorority house.
INT. RICK'S MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS
Paige hesitates before getting out.
PAIGE
Mr. Mills, can I ask you something?
RICK
Sure.
PAIGE
I was wondering...
(SQUINTS NERVOUSLY)
.could you buy me some beer?
Rick looks surprised.
RICK
Buy you some.. .How old are you?
PAIGE
Twenty. But I'm turning twenty-one
next week.
RICK
Oh. Happy birthday. That's a
biggie.
PAIGE
Yeah. My aunt usually buys beer for
me, but she's out of town.
(SMILES HOPEFULLY)
So. . .could ya?
RICK
Uh, I don't know, Paige...I could
get in a lot of trouble for giving
alcohol to a minor.
PAIGE
Oh, come on, I'm a junior in
college. You drank when you were in
college, didn't you?
10.
RICK
Well, uh...
PAIGE
Besides, it's so arbitrary. How
does it make sense that twenty's
old enough to fight in Iraq or
watch a porno movie, but it's too
young to drink a beer?
Rick shifts in his seat.
RICK
Really? Twenty's old enough to
uh...?
PAIGE
Fight in Iraq?
RICK
No, the other thing.
PAIGE
Watch Porn? Oh, God yeah--half the
girls in those things are my age.
Rick catches a hint of cleavage, a flash of leg.
PAIGE (CONT'D)
Look, I promise no one's gonna find
out. If you want, you can join me
down at the lake--we'll listen to
some tunes and have a couple beers.
Rick stares at her, pictures it in his head. She looks
hopeful, open.
RICK
I'm sorry, Paige, I can't do that.
PAIGE
Why not?
RICK
Well... it would be.. .inappropriate.
Rick's voice has taken on a firmer, more adult tone. Paige
seems amused by it.
PAIGE
What, is that your grown-up voice?
(SMILES)
That would be inappropriate, Paige.
COME ON--
RICK
No, Paige.
(with an edge)
What are you thinking? I'm a
married man and I have a family.
You think they'd like it if they
knew I was hanging out at the lake,
all alone, drinking beer with a
college girl?
11.
She seems taken aback.
PAIGE
(PUT-OFF)
I never said alone. My sorority's
having a party down there tonight.
Rick CLEARS HIS THROAT, tries to hide his embarrassment.
RICK
All right, better get inside.
She opens the car door, then glares back at him.
PAIGE
Ewww. What the hell were you
thinking?
RICK
Go ahead. Scoot along now.
As she SLAMS the car door, we...
CUT TO:
INT. RICK AND MAGGIE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Rick bounds up the stairs to find Maggie gently closing
Gunnar's bedroom door.
MAGGIE
Shhhh. He just fell asleep.
RICK
Awesome.
Rick playfully pinches Maggie's butt as he follows her into
their bedroom where...
INT. BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
.They find Emma sitting up in their bed, smiling.
EMMA
Can I sleep with you tonight?
RICK
No.
EMMA
Please.
RICK
No. Absolutely not.
Maggie, clearly softening to the idea, shrugs at Rick.
12.
RICK (CONT'D)
Are you serious? Look, besides the
other thing, I don't like the fact
that my daughter needs someone to
sleep with every night--that's not
going to be good when she goes off
to college, you know.
Maggie rolls her eyes.
EMMA
Well.. .can someone read me a story?
Rick looks at Maggie, then at his daughter.
RICK
Okay, one quick story. Come on,
jump on my back.
Emma jumps on Rick's back.
RICK (CONT'D)
(TO MAGGIE)
You can get started without me--
I'll be right back.
Rick piggybacks Emma out of the room.
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM - MINUTES LATER
Emma is putting Rick's HAIR INTO PONYTAILS.
RICK
Okay, honey, this is the last pony
and then night-night.
Emma finishes putting on a rubberband, then looks at him,
satisfied.
EMMA
There. You look pretty, Daddy.
RICK
Okay, now give me a kiss, hug and
go to sleep.
She lays back on her pillow. Rick gives her a big kiss on
both cheeks.
RICK (CONT'D)
I love you, Emma.
EMMA
I love you, too, Daddy.
EXT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Rick (still in ponytails) tip-toes out of Emma's bedroom,
closes the door so tly, then HUSTLES DOWN THE HALLWAY.
F
INT. RICK & MAGGIE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rick scrambles into the room and STOPS IN HIS TRACKS.
13.
HIS POV - Maggie lays in bed, FAST ASLEEP.
RICK
No. Please, no.
Rick wants to wake her up but sees that she needs the sleep,
so he just PULLS THE COVERS OVER HER SHOULDERS.
As Rick walks around the bed and INTO THE BATHROOM in the
b.g., we HOLD ON MAGGIE until she OPENS HER EYES. She
listens to her husband brush his teeth with perhaps a tinge
of GUILT, and when he shuts off the faucet, she CLOSES HER
EYES AGAIN, and we...
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK - MORNING
Rick pushes Gunnar and Emma on the swings as a sweaty Fred
APPROACHES carrying a tennis racket. (We see several TENNIS
COURTS in the b.g.)
FRED
Hey.
RICK
Hey. How'd you make out?
FRED
Great. Lost both sets.
RICK
So'd you get the business?
Fred nods and wipes his brow.
FRED
Pretty sure I got the Auto and
Home. He told me to call his
accountant on Monday about the
Life.
RICK
Nice.
Fred looks around at all the pretty MOMS and NANNIES with
their CHILDREN.
FRED
Can you believe the talent here
today?
RICK
(PAINED)
Yeah. I know.
They NOTICE something O.S..
THEIR POV - we see a SCANDINAVIAN AU PAIR bent over EXPOSING
HER THONG UNDERWEAR as she picks up a CHILD from a wagon.
FRED
Ouch.
14.
Rick SIGHS.
RICK
CPR girl's back, too.
Rick nods toward A PIG-TAILED PARAMEDIC, early 30's, TEACHING
A CPR CLASS. The two men look on solemnly.
FRED
Imagine if we were coming here back
when we were single?
RICK
(FALSE BRAVADO)
Oh baby, the damage we would do.
EMMA
Monkey bars!
The kids JUMP off the swings and RUN for the jungle gym.
GUNNAR
Me first!
Rick trails them like a Sherpa carrying a couple Razor
scooters and a basketball as Fred tags along. They shlep
past THE TRI-DELTA SORORITY playing ultimate frisbee and
WEARING 'JUICY' SWEATS.
FRED
So you get lucky last night?
RICK
Nah, the kids were up when we got
home. How 'bout you?
FRED
Well, kinda lucky. Grace conked
right out so I snuck out to the car
and rubbed one out.
Rick shoots Fred a look.
RICK
The car? What are you Knight Rider?
Why didn't you just go in the
bathroom like a normal guy?
FRED
And get caught by Grace? Can't risk
it. Besides, cars turn me on--it's
where I lost my virginity. And
they're comfy--I just put the seat
back and turn on the tunes.
The guys sit on a bench.
RICK
That's one of the things they don't
tell you when you're young--that
you'll still be jerking-off after
you get married. I thought it was
dust gonna be a teenage thing.
15
FRED
Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.
The two men sit in silence for a LONG BEAT as the Frisbee
Girls play all around them.
FRED (CONT'D)
You know what I miss the most?
RICK
What?
FRED
The arch.
RICK
What arch?
FRED
You know when you're taking a
girl's panties off for the first
time, and you're wondering if she's
going to stop you, but then she
gives you that little pelvic arch-
thrust that tells you that the
struggle's over, everything's going
to be okay?
Rick SIGHS.
RICK
That's a happy moment.
FRED
Yep. Another thing gone forever.
Rick looks at his watch.
RICK
I should get going, I have to drop
the kids off at a birthday party.
FRED
You want to grab a coffee after?
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT - COFFEE SHOP - LATER THAT MORNING
INT. COFFEE SHOP - SAME
Fred and Rick stand in line.
RICK
Do you have any interest in going
down to the Patriot's training camp
one of these days?
FRED
Are you kidding, I'd love that.
Except...I always feel kind of
pathetic waiting in line for Tom
Brady's autograph.
16.
RICK
Fred, I was planning on bringing
the kids.
FRED
Genius! That's the perfect cover!
Rick shoots him a look then REACTS to something O.S.
RICK
Uh-oh...
HIS POV - SLO-MO of a BEAUTIFUL GIRL walking toward him. Her
straight brown hair shimmers.. .her blue eyes twinkle.. .her
white uniformed blouse is unbuttoned enough to reveal a
tasteful amount of CLEAVAGE. This is COFFEE GIRL, 23,
granola, fresh, Australian, spacey.
BACK ON THE GUYS staring in awe.
FRED
Did you see her face? Her face is
tremendous.
RICK
(chanting, scared)
Please don't have a nice ass,
please don't have a nice ass...
But as she turns to pour a cup of coffee, we see that HER ASS
IS SPECTACULAR. Rick turns away, annoyed.
RICK (CONT'D
Oh, come on! That's ri iculous.
FRED
I know. She's from Australia. Been
working here about a month.
RICK
Why'd you have to bring me here?!
FRED
Okay, cool it, tiger--here she
comes.
Coffee Girl steps up to the counter and smiles at Fred.
COFFEE GIRL
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
Iced coffee with two Splendas
again?
Fred wants to say yes, but just nods.
COFFEE GIRL (CONT'D)
How about your mate there?
RICK
(STUNNED)
Uh...same.
Her smile comes with a squint, which makes her eyes sparkle.
17.
ANOTHER ANGLE reveals a WANNABE ARTIST-TYPE MALE EMPLOYEE,
mid-20's (clearly covetous of Coffee Girl) sizing Rick and
Fred up as he wipes down a counter.
BACK ON COFFEE GIRL AND OUR GUYS
COFFEE GIRL
(re: Rick's shirt)
Hey, Old Navy, you like a muffin
with that?
RICK
Uh, sure. What do you recommend?
COFFEE GIRL
They're all good.
The Wannabe Artist-Type steps protectively up beside Coffee
Girl.
WANNABE
I'd go with the bran muffin--you
guys are probably having digestive
issues at your age, right?
Rick flinches at this, then turns to Coffee Girl.
RICK
I'll have a blueberry muffin
please.
FRED
Make it a bran muffin for me.
Rick shoots Fred a look, clearly annoyed. As Coffee Girl
turns to get their order, we go to...
SAME SCENE - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Rick and Fred, now with coffees, sit at the rear of the shop.
RICK
Did you notice she's from Cleavage,
Ohio?
FRED
Yeah. I bet her areolas look like a
couple of pepperoni slices.
Fred trains his eyes back on Coffee Girl and SQUINTS
INTENSELY.
RICK
What the hell are you doing?
FRED
Shh. I'm taking a mental photograph
for my spank bank.
(UNDER BREATH)
Say cheese.
ED (O.S.)
Jesus Christ, guys, give it a rest.
18.
Rick and Fred turn to see ED LONG, tall, good-looking, mid-
40's, standing at the creamer counter behind them.
RICK
Oh, hey, Ed. Didn't see you there.
ED
That's because you were shooting
laser beams at the java babe.
RICK
Well, no, we were just--
ED
Come on, gentlemen, you're married
men and she's half your age--grow
P-
The guys can't muster a response.
ED (CONT'D)
So I guess I'll be seeing you at
the house-warming party this
weekend.
RICK
Hm?
ED
This Saturday afternoon at the new
casa--we're inally in and we're
having a little celebration.
RICK
Oh, I don't know if we can--
ED
Your wives already RSVP'd.
RICK
Right on.
ED
'Til then.
Ed HOLDS OUT HIS FIST to them.
ED (CONT'D)
Come on, pound the potato.
Rick and Fred reluctantly take turns TAPPING Ed's fist with
theirs. Then Ed leaves.
FRED
(UNDER BREATH)
What a d-bag.
RICK
He's right though.
Fred looks at Rick.
19.
RICK (CONT'D)
What are we doing sitting here
gawking at her for? We're married
men--it's creepy.
FRED
I don't see what the big deal is--
we're not hurting anyone. What is
he Big Brother--he's gonna tell me
what I can look at now? For God
sakes, don't take that away from me-
-it's all I got!
As Rick thinks about this, we...
CUT TO:
INT. RICK'S FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON A BABY MONITOR - PULL BACK to reveal that it's in
the middle of a POKER TABLE next to a pile of ONE-DOLLAR
BILLS. Sitting around the table PLAYING LIAR'S POKER are
Rick, Fred, GARY, HOG-HEAD, BAKER, and FLATS, all in their
mid-30's to mid-40's. Hog-head has a huge melon, Baker is
husky, Flats is a pale red-head, and Gary is slight and
squirrelly.
BAKER
Rick, you open.
Rick takes a fresh DOLLAR BILL off the pile in front of him
and STUDIES THE SERIAL NUMBERS.
RICK
Four 9's.
FRED
Hey, where's Coakley? How come he
didn't show?
GARY
Vegas. Hawaiian Tropic finals.
The guys nod their approval.
BAKER
Man, imagine being Coakley? The
guy's single, he's loaded, chicks
love him, he doesn't have to answer
to anybody.
GARY
That's the life.
FRED
That is the life.
HOG-HEAD
Let me ask you something: What
would you guys pay to have your way
with a Hawaiian Tropic girl for an
entire weekend?
The guys perk up as they think about this.
20.
HOG-HEAD (CONT'D)
You get to pick any one you want--
and you know up front that you
won't get her pregnant, no
diseases, you're never gonna hear
from her again, and your wife will
never find out.
GARY
How's it possible to know that my
wife won't find out?
HOG-HEAD
(ANNOYED)
It's not. I'm saying if it were
possible, like if I was a magic
genie and I could grant you this
wish but then make it like it never
even happened.
FLATS
But would I still have memory of
it?
HOG-HEAD
Oh yeah. Great memories.
GARY
Oof. I think I'd pay 500 bucks for
that.
Baker shoots him a look.
BAKER
You cheap,bastard. We're talking
about an investment that gets your
rocks off and protects your wife's
feelings. I'd pay five grand.
RICK
Wow.
GARY
Well, excuse me, Mr. Wall Street,
but us public school teachers
aren't getting any of that bail-out
money you're over-tipping everyone
with.
Just then, the front door OPENS and Maggie ENTERS.
MAGGIE
Hey, guys.
RICK
Oh, hey, honey. How was the book
club?
MAGGIE
Great.
FRED
What did you guys read this month?
21.
MAGGIE
Hemingway.
GARY
Old Man and the Sea?
MAGGIE
No, Muriel's yoga book.
The guys LAUGH.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Actually, we were supposed to be
discussing The Sun Also Rises but
Grace pulled out a bottle of
tequila and that was the end of
that. So, did the kids go down
easy?
RICK
Gunnar and Emma stalled for a
while, but they weren't bad.
MAGGIE
How about the baby?
Rick points to the BABY MONITOR in the middle of the table.
RICK
Not a peep.
MAGGIE
Great job. Now win some money,
honey.
She kisses Rick and walks out of the room.
GARY
I wish I could drink tequila. It's
a great buzz but it always gives me
the spins and then I have to go
home early.
FRED
You want to know a sure cure for
the spins?
Fred puts a hand over his right eye.
FRED (CONT'D)
Just cover up one eye. It balances
out the equilibrium.
RICK
Or you could find a nice 12-step
program.
CUT TO:
22.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
As Maggie gets to the top of the stairs, she can hear the
O.S. SOUND OF THE BABY CRYING. She walks down the hall,
opens the Baby's door and REACTS.
HER POV - the exhausted and sweaty Baby is standing in his
crib, SOBBING. The baby monitor is on the dresser next to
the crib BLARING out LAUGHTER from the poker game.
INT. BABY NURSERY - CONTINUOUS
MAGGIE
Oh, you poor thing...
She hurries to the Baby and PICKS HIM UP.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Silly Daddy... he got the monitors
mixed-up. Have you been listening
to those loud-mouths all night?
As Maggie moves to turn off the monitor, we HEAR:
FLATS (O.S.)
.So how 'bout you, Fred--how much
would you pay to s end an entire
weekend with one of the hottest
women in the world?
Maggie hesitates and LISTENS IN.
FRED (O.S.)
I wouldn't have to pay--I'm married
to her.
There's a BEAT, then the guys EXPLODE IN LAUGHTER.
FRED (O.S.) (CONT'D)
No, seriously, I'd pay five grand,
easy.
Maggie's JAW DROPS.
BACK ON POKER GAME
FRED (CONT'D)
I'd have to figure out a way to get
it out of the bank without Grace
noticing, but I suppose the genie
could help me with that.
HOG-HEAD
You could put me down for seven-
five.
BAKER
Pfttt. Hog-head, your ass doesn't
have seven-five.
More LAUGHTER from the guys as Rick deals out fresh bills.
23.
FLATS
So what's your number, Rick?
RICK
Oh jeez, Flats, I don't know...
FRED
Come on.. any girl you choose. You
get to do anything you want with
her, and your wife will never find
out. It's completely harmless, a
one-time thing--what would you pay
for that?
BACK ON MAGGIE as she cradles her baby and LEANS CLOSER to
the monitor.
RICK (O.S.)
I honestly don't know, fellas.
BAKER (O.S.)
Ballpark.
PUSH IN ON MAGGIE as she waits nervously for her husband's
answer.
RICK (O.S.)
Well... I've got a great wife and I
sure wouldn't want to hurt her
feelings, so...
Maggie SMILES at this. That's my guy!
RICK (O.S.) (CONT'D)
I guess the real question is,
what wouldn't I pay?!
The guys LAUGH O.S. and MAGGIE REACTS, as we...
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIE AND RICK'S KITCHEN - LATER
Maggie's got Rick backed into a corner.
MAGGIE
What wouldn't you pay?!
RICK
I didn't really mean it, honey.
(scared, defenseless)
They kind of put me on the spot.
Look, some of the other guys were
throwing out some pretty hefty
bids.
MAGGIE
What does that have to do with
anything?
RICK
Well... I'm the host of the party, I
didn't want to be a buzz-kill.
24
Maggie squints, appalled.
RICK (CONT'D)
Look, all I was saying was, there's
no amount of money I wouldn't pay
to protect you and the kids.
MAGGIE
How is having sex with a hooker
protecting me and the kids?
RICK
No one said anything about hookers.
MAGGIE
You were paying for sex--what would
you call her?
RICK
(WEAKLY)
Well.. .the genie was getting the
dough, not her.
(RECOVERING)
Come on, be reasonable, it was just
guy-talk--it's not like it could
really happen.
Maggie shakes her head, disgusted, and leaves the room.
RICK (CONT'D)
(CALLING OUT)
Love you!
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Maggie, Grace, and Dr. Lucy eat at an upscale restaurant.
Dr. Lucy listens quietly to the women.
GRACE
Fred said five grand? What a
blowhard!
MAGGIE
You know what's even funnier? Hog-
head McCormick said he'd pay seven
grand.
GRACE
What?! That bum hasn't worked since
the dot-com bust--his wife supports
him!
The girls LAUGH.
GRACE (CONT'D)
Well, look on the bright side: At
least they're not cheating on us.
MAGGIE
Sometimes I wonder if it would be
better if they did cheat and get it
over with.
25.
DR. LUCY
You mean, rather than take the slow
boat to resentment?
The girls look to Dr. Lucy.
DR. LUCY (CONT'D
I'm just saying.. .maybe a little
freedom would be good for them. And
for you.
(BEAT)
Have you ever considered giving
them a hall pass?
GRACE
A what?
DR. LUCY
A hall pass. A week off from
marriage.
Grace and Maggie stop chewing.
MAGGIE
Wait a minute. . .Are you saying let
them go out and cheat?
DR. LUCY
I'm saying give them a week off
from marriage.
(BEAT)
Look, most married men have foggy
memories of their single days and
they somehow get under the
impression that if not for you,
they'd be able to be with ail those
women who entice them.
GRACE
That's Fred. He thinks because he
sees big tits everywhere and then
still comes home for dinner that I
should be welcoming him at the door
like some conquering hero.
Dr. Lucy smiles.
DR. LUCY
Well, maybe it's time to let them
go out there and find out what it's
really like.
MAGGIE
Wow. You're talking about the
nuclear option.
Maggie ponders the idea.
GRACE
And remind me again, what good
could possibly come from this...?
26.
DR. LUCY
There's a wonderful principle in
psychology called 'reactance
theory.' It basically states that
if you're constantly told you can't
do something, you want to do it
more than ever. And conversely, if
you remove the taboo, you remove
the obsession.
Grace makes a 't' sound.
GRACE
(SARCASTIC)
I got an idea, Doc: Why don't you
try a hall pass out on your husband
and let us know how it works out.
DR. LUCY
Oh, I have.
Grace and Maggie REACT to this.
MAGGIE
You're telling us you let Charlie
sleep with another woman?
Dr. Lucy takes a moment before answering.
DR. LUCY
I am not telling you that. I am
telling you that I gave him the
freedom to choose for himself.
GRACE
And...?
DR. LUCY
All I know is...our marriage is
better than ever.
Grace and Maggie think about this.
GRACE
I don't know. There's a reason that
men evolved and apes didn't. It's
because women demanded more.
Without a wife, Einstein would've
been humping a maple tree all day.
As the women LAUGH, we
CUT TO:
EXT. ED & KIMMY LONG'S ESTATE - DAY
There are several flashy cars out front of this huge
McMansion. As Fred and Grace and Rick and Maggie get out of
Fred's mini-van, Ed Long comes out of the house to greet
them. (Ed's 5-YEAR-OLD SON is beside him wearing khakis and a
Polo shirt, just like his father.)
GRACE
There he is! The lord of the manor!
27.
ED
Come on, everyone in the shack! The
grand tour's about to begin!
INT. STUDY - AFTERNOON
Ed and his wife KIMMY (late-30's, high-maintenance) lead
Rick, Fred, Maggie, Grace, and SEVERAL OTHER GUESTS into a
large wood-paneled study. (The Long's 7-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
sticks to her mother's side WEARING A MATCHING DRESS.)
ED
I call it headquarters.
LARRY BOHAC, mid-40's, and his blonde bombshell of a wife,
MANDY, (who wears A TOO-TIGHT T-SHIRT) look around in awe.
MANDY
Un-believable.
ED
That's sweet of you to say, Mandy.
LARRY
It's epic, Ed.
Ed points to one wall which houses a GLASSED-IN HUMIDOR.
ED
(RE: HUMIDOR)
And this over here--this is the war
room. The temperature in there
never goes above fifty-four
degrees, never below fifty-three. I
even threw in a back-up generator
in case we lose power and the main
generator doesn't kick in. Now who
wants a Cubano? They're the real
deal--Coakley snagged them on his
trip to Havana.
KIMMY
Wait a second, Ed, first I want to
show them Lny headquarters.
Fred looks at Rick and rolls his eyes.
INT. MASTER BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
It looks like a Waterworks showroom. Despite its bloated
opulence, Grace and Maggie can't help but be impressed.
KIMMY
It's my paradise.
ED
With a price tag north of one
hundred and forty large, it better
be paradise.
Ed holds out his fist and Rick obediently POUNDS IT. Just
then Grace NOTICES that Fred has disappeared.
28.
GRACE
Hey, where did Fred go?
Rick turns and sees that he's missing.
INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE UPSTAIRS - MOMENTS LATER
Rick walks down a hall and finds Fred in a guest room
watching a baseball game on TV.
RICK
What are you doing?
FRED
I can't take these look-at-how-much-
I-own parties. It's obnoxious.
Rick nods and sits down beside him.
FRED (CONT'D)
When I bought my completely-loaded
Honda Odyssey, I didn't go around
bragging about it, did I?
RICK
Well, kind of. You made me drive
around town with you for two hours,
remember?
FRED
(DEFENSIVE)
I thought you'd want to watch a
movie in a mini-van. You never got
to watch a movie in a mini-van
before, did you?
Rick shrugs.
RICK
Why'd you have to hook your boat up
to it?
FRED
Because it's the Touring Edition,
numb-skull. The thing can tow more
weight than ninety percent of the
pick-ups out there!
CUT TO:
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME
Everybody is admiring the antique fireplace.
KIMMY
The mantle actually came all the
way from Tuscany, which is in
Europe.
ED
Hey, gang, check this out.
29.
KIMMY
Oh God, Eddie, they don't need to
see that--they'll think we're
wackos.
Ed PUNCHES A CODE into a keypad and the WALL SLIDES OPEN
revealing a SAFE ROOM.
INT. SAFE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Maggie, Grace, and the others follow Ed into a safe room
filled with VIDEO MONITORS surveilling all the rooms in the
house. When Kimmy ENTERS she pushes a button CLOSING THE
WALL BEHIND THEM.
MAGGIE
Oh my God... this is like secret
agent stuff.
KIMMY
I think having a safe room is a bit
over the top, but Ed feels with our
two little ones you can never be
too cautious.
GRACE
Aw, you're such a good daddy.
MAGGIE
(aside to Grace)
Rick can't even set up the baby
monitors right.
Ed points to a monitor where we see Rick and Fred ENTER the
master bedroom.
ED
Here come Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-
dum.
CLOSE ON VIDEO MONITOR - we see Rick and Fred cross over to
the master bathroom doorway and look in.
RICK (ON MONITOR)
.All I'm saying is, who gets a
mini-van when you don't even have
any kids?
FRED (ON MONITOR)
You don't know much about the
insurance game, do you, Rick? When
you pull into a person's driveway
to sell them life insurance, who do
you think they'd rather see? A hot-
shot in a Porsche or a family man
in a mini-van? Hm?
Rick looks around the empty room.
RICK (ON MONITOR)
Hey, where'd everyone go?
30.
GRACE
(CALLING OUT)
Guys, we're in here!
KIMMY
They can't hear you. The room's
completely soundproof.
ED
And bulletproof.
ON VIDEO MONITOR WALL - we see Rick and Fred LEAVE ONE SCREEN
and ENTER ANOTHER.
INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS
Rick and Fred walk back into Ed's study.
RICK
They must've gone downstairs.
Fred motions to Ed's humidor room.
FRED
(BRITISH ACCENT)
Thanks for coming to the war room,
old chap. By the way, did I mention
that my wife's vagina never goes
above fifty-four degrees, nor below
fifty-three.
INT. SAFE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Larry Bohac CHUCKLES and Grace shifts uncomfortably.
GRACE
Uh, maybe we should turn this off.
But Ed turns THE VOLUME UP.
CLOSE ON MONITOR - Rick plays along with a BAD BRITISH
ACCENT.
RICK (ON MONITOR)
Is that so, dear boy? And what
happens if you lose power during a
big blow and your main generator
doesn't kick in?
FRED (ON MONITOR)
Well that's why I had the back-up
generator installed in Kimmy's
rumpus.
Kimmy makes a face, shocked.
GRACE
(under breath; resigned)
Here we go...
31.
INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS
RICK
Hey, speaking of installations, is
that a shiny new set of cans on
Mandy Bohac?
FRED
Either that or she's wearing her
daughter's t-shirt.
INT. SAFE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE ON Mandy's surprised face. She looks at Larry, who's
suddenly not so amused.
INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS
RICK
They look good but I'll still take
the real deal any day.
FRED
Right. You're telling me you'd take
Kimmy Long's flapjacks over Mandy's
new speedbags?
RICK
That's what I'm telling you. I like
boobs with a little mileage on 'em.
They're more fun.
FRED
Fun?
RICK
Yeah. You can smoosh 'em, swing
'em, hump 'em, Stretch-Armstrong
'em.
FRED
And what about the proven
correlation between floppy boobs
and large-mouth vaginas?
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. ED & KIMMY LONG'S ESTATE - MOMENTS LATER
Maggie and Grace hurry down the front walk trailed by their
shell-shocked husbands. A trembling and IRATE Kimmy is held
back at the door by Ed and a couple other Guests.
KIMMY
You people are horrible! Horrible!
ED
(CALLING OUT)
I'm very disappointed, gentlemen!
32.
INT. MINI-VAN - DAY
No one speaks. Grace drives and Maggie sits beside her,
humiliation etched across their faces. Finally:
FRED
Uh, anyone thinking chocolate chip
cookie dough in a waffle cone?
Grace YANKS the mini-van to the side of the road and GLARES
BACK AT HIM.
GRACE
Large-mouth vaginas?!
As the guys cower, we
CUT TO:
INT. RICK & MAGGIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Rick looks small and weak sitting on the couch while Maggie
stands across from him rubbing her temples. It looks like
the Norman Rockwell painting where the mom reprimands her
little boy for sneaking a frog into the house.
MAGGIE
You know what really troubles me?
The thing that you're all so
obsessed with is meaningless to
you. It's really just about numbers
with you guys.
Rick looks up, confused.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Rick, you can't even tel me the
month you lost your virginity. I
can tell you the exact day and hour
that I lost mine.
Rick seems a little embarrassed by this.
RICK
Well, virginity is different for
guys.
MAGGIE
The point is, obviously I like sex,
too--it means something to me--but
I don't walk around gawking at
every guy I see.
RICK
All right, so I occasionally notice
other women. I'm sorry.
MAGGIE
Occasionally?
Rick rakes his hands through his hair and decides to come
clean.
33.
RICK
Okay, you want the truth? You
really want me to pull back the
curtain here? From the moment I
leave the house in the morning 'til
the moment I get home, I pretty
much notice every woman in my path.
Maggie turns to face him.
RICK (CONT'D)
But it's not how you think it is,
Mags. It's like... it's like a
curse. I don't want to notice, but
I can't help it. It's always been
like that. I figured that when I
c jot married that would be it, but
it wasn't--the thing,doesn't give
two shits about marriage.
MAGGIE
(HURT)
So what are you saying--you're not
happy with our sex life?
Rick reaches up and takes her hand.
RICK
No. Of course I'm happy, honey--our
sex life is great--not that I
wouldn't mind a little more, but--
look, one thing has nothing to do
with the other. I think about sex a
lot--all guys do--that's just the
way it is.
Maggie sits down beside him, clearly at the end of her rope.
No one speaks for a few moments. Then:
MAGGIE
I'm giving you a hall pass.
RICK
A what?
MAGGIE
One week off from marriage.
RICK
You mean, like a trial separation?
You are seriously overreacting.
MAGGIE
It's not a separation, it's a hall
pass. You can do whatever you want.
Get it out of your system.
RICK
(BEAT)
Wait a minute--are you for real?
34.
MAGGIE
It's not a yes or no offer, and
it's not a debate. You're getting a
hall pass.
As Maggie heads upstairs, we PUSH IN on a confused Rick.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. RICK AND MAGGIE'S KITCHEN - MORNING
Maggie is washing out a pan at the sink when Rick ENTERS
dressed for work. We hear the O.S. SOUNDS of The Wiggles
coming from a TV in another room.
RICK
'Morning.
MAGGIE
(not facing him)
There's a couple hard-boiled eggs
in a bowl there for you.
RICK
I'm gonna have to take them to go,
hon, I've got a showing in fifteen
minutes.
Rick puts the eggs in his pocket, then approaches Maggie and
kisses her on the cheek.
RICK (CONT'D)
Hey, about this hall pass
business.. .1 don't want it and I
don't need it. All I need is--
MAGGIE
I told you, this isn't negotiable.
She turns and faces him.
RICK
You're really serious about this?
MAGGIE
Rick, this isn't something that
I...look, I really think you need
this. I think we need this.
Rick doesn't know what to say.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
This afternoon I'm taking the kids
out to my parent's beach house.
Rick REACTS to this.
RICK
For how long?
35.
MAGGIE
We'll be back in one week. And as
far as I'm concerned, starting
right now. .. you have the week off
from marriage.
CUT TO:
EXT. VICTORIAN HOUSE - DAY
This is a big shiny place. All fixed-up. Fred pulls up in
his mini-van and gets out. He walks past a Coldwell Banker
For Sale sign with Rick's name on it.
INT. VICTORIAN HOUSE - SAME
Rick is showing the kitchen to a COUPLE, mid-40's, when Fred
ENTERS.
RICK
Hey, what are you doing here?
FRED
I called your office and they told
me you were in the neighborhood.
Rick turns to the couple.
RICK
Oh, this is a friend of mine, Fred
Searing. Fred, this is Harold and
Nancy Goldberg--they're moving up
here from Long Island.
FRED
Well, mazel tov, folks.
The Goldbergs look at Fred a little warily as he takes out a
card.
FRED (CONT'D)
Here, let me give you my card.
Home, auto, or life insurance--I'm
the go-to mensch in town.
HAROLD GOLDBERG
We're good on insurance.
Rick quickly jumps in.
RICK
(to the Goldbergs)
Uh, why don't you two take another
look around and if you have any
questions I'll be right here.
HAROLD GOLDBERG
Thank you.
The Goldbergs walk out and Rick closes the door behind them.
36.
RICK
(HUSHED)
What the he 1 are you doing--I'm
trying to make a sale here.
FRED
You weren't picking up your cell--I
wanted to see how much trouble you
got in last night. You know what
Grace made me do? She made me call
the Longs and apologize.
Rick flinches.
RICK
Oof .
FRED
How 'bout you--did Maggie freak out
when you got home?
RICK
Uh... sort of.
Rick peeks out the kitchen door to make sure the Goldberg's
aren't listening. Then:
RICK (CONT'D)
She gave me a hall pass.
FRED
A what?
RICK
A week off from marriage to do
whatever I want. She's going to her
parents' house down the Cape 'til
next Sunday.
Fred SNICKERS.
FRED
Yeah, right.
RICK
I'm serious.
FRED
You're full of shit.
RICK
Fred, it's true. You think I could
make something like this up?
Fred stares at him.
FRED
I don't get it--why aren't you more
excited?
RICK
Well...I don't know how I feel.
37.
FRED
About...?
RICK
The hall pass. Something about it
isn't right.
FRED
You mean, like, you think Maggie
might have a brain tumor or
something?
RICK
No. I mean, just because my wife
tells me it's okay to cheat... is
it?
FRED
Uh, yeah.
(BEAT)
Why can't you just accept the fact
that your wife is a goddamn saint,
Rick? She's evolved. Don't you see?
She gets it!
RICK
Yeah, but there's a part of me
that's saying, 'Wow, you must have
pushed her pretty hard to get her
to this point.' And is that good
for a marriage? That your wife is
willing to try something this
insane?
Fred can't believe his ears.
FRED
Absolutely!
(BEAT)
Come on, doesn't it bother you that
our wives dreams all come true, but
ours don't? Look at Maggie; when
she was a kid she played house--you
g a ve her a house. She played with
her E-Z-Bake Oven--you bought her a
Viking. She played mommy--you made
her a mommy.
RICK
The oven's a GE.
FRED
It's a real gas oven! And what
about you, huh? Come on, man, your
wife is living her dreams.. .and now
it's time for you to live yours.
As Rick thinks about this, we
CUT TO:
INT. FRED & GRACE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Fred and Grace climb the stairs at the end of the day.
38.
FRED
I don't know, I think this is some
very forward-thinking on Maggie's
part.
GRACE
Quit lobbying--you're not getting a
hall pass. And you mark my words,
this is going to end up biting
Maggie in the ass.
At the top of the stairs Fred puts his arms around her.
FRED
Why would I need a hall pass? I've
got you.
GRACE
Not tonight you don't. I'm too
bloated and I have cramps.
FRED
I don't mind.
GRACE
Fred, do I have to spell it out for
you? I'm having my period.
FRED
(MATTER-OF-FACT)
Yeah, I got that.
He moves in for a kiss but she pulls away.
GRACE
Come on, hon, give me a break. Not
tonight.
Disappointed, Fred watches her walk toward the bedroom.
FRED
(CALLING OUT)
Oh, shit--I forgot to take the
trash out.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRED & GRACE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Fred's mini-van is parked on the street in front of his home.
We HEAR Styx's The Best of Times coming from inside the car
and we MOVE IN CLOSER until we're...
LOOKING THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW at Fred. He's sitting
in the driver's seat; his EYES ARE CLOSED and his head is
slung back as he JERKS-OFF (just below frame) to the MUSIC.
A POLICE CRUISER passes in the b.g., then a moment later
BACKS INTO FRAME and STOPS NEXT TO FRED.
As the two POLICE OFFICERS look on from their car trying to
figure out what the guy is doing, the oblivious Fred
continues to STROKE HIS MEAT to the BEAT.
39.
Officer #1 gets out of the driver's side. He DISAPPEARS FROM
FRAME and then REAPPEARS at Fred's driver's side window. Now
only inches from Fred, he bends over and LOOKS INSIDE THE
CAR.
The Officer motions for his partner to join him. As Fred
continues to POUND HIMSELF TO THE MUSIC, Officer #2 climbs
out of the cruiser. He takes out his flashlight and SHINES
IT ON FRED'S O.S. LAP. As the weary officers look at each
other with a NOW-WE'VE-SEEN-IT-ALL EXPRESSION, we...
CUT TO:
SAME SCENE - LATER
The police lights are FLASHING now and several NEIGHBORS have
gathered on their front lawns to see what's going on.
PAN to Fred's front steps where we see a HANDCUFFED Fred
standing meekly as the two Police Officers confer with a
furious-looking Grace (in her bathrobe.)
OFFICER #1
All right, ma'am, if you say he's
yours.. .you can have him.
The Officer TAKES OFF FRED'S HANDCUFFS.
GRACE
Thank you, officers.
Fred scurries into the house ahead of Grace. As soon as the
door shuts, we HEAR:
GRACE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
WHAT KIND OF SICK PRICK JERKS OFF
IN HIS OWN FRONT YARD?!
As the Police Officers head back to their car, we go...
CLOSE ON a smiling Fred.
FRED
I got a Hall Pass!
INT. RICK'S OFFICE - DAY
Rick is at his desk staring at a giddy Fred.
RICK
How?
FRED
Doesn't matter how. I got one. Can
you believe it?! I got a hall pass!
Rick stands up, elated.
RICK
And I've got a hall pass!
FRED
We both have hall passes!
40.
RICK
When does yours start?
Fred looks at his watch.
FRED
Twenty-three minutes ago! She just
left for the Cape--she's staying
with Maggie. It's just you and me
for the next six days!
RICK
Oh my God, do you realize how much
easier this is going to make it--
having a hall pass partner?
FRED
And it's not just me--Baker, Gary,
and Hog-head are coming out with us
tonight!
RICK
No way?! They got hall passes,
too?!
FRED
No, no, no--they just want to
watch.
Rick grows concerned.
RICK
You think that's a good idea,
letting them in on it? What if they
blab and it gets around town--it
might embarrass our wives.
FRED
Don't worry, I already talked to
them. Their lips are sealed.
Rick and Fred smile.
FRED (CONT'D)
We're living the dream, baby!
SMASH CUT TO:
Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:
DAY 1
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Rick, Fred, and their MIDDLE-AGED POSSE (Baker, Hog-head &
Gary) walk across a boulevard like rock stars. (Think of the
SLO-MO shots from Swingers or Reservoir Dogs.) Nobody
smiles, they're all business as they hit the sidewalk and
march straight into ...APPLEBEE'S.
INT. APPLEBEE'S - MOMENTS LATER
They step up to the bar.
41.
RICK
(TO BARTENDER)
Five MGD's, my friend.
While waiting for the beers, the guys CHECK OUT THE SCENE.
It's mostly FAMILIES, a few YOUNG COUPLES.
RICK (CONT'D)
The guy at the Holiday Inn Express
told me this place really kicks in
around nine-thirty.
BAKER
Hey, why are you staying at a hotel
if your wives are out of town?
FRED
Well, we can't very well take babes
back to our places--if they know
where we live they might end up
stalking us.
RICK
Besides, I wouldn't be able to
concentrate with all the pictures
everywhere and the kids' cut-outs
all over the fridge.
GARY
Yeah, isn't it weird how your own
kids can creep you out sometimes?
Rick shoots Gary a look.
FRED
I get the feeling there's a lot of
divorcees in this place.
HOG-HEAD
That's good. Divorcees are into
kinky sex--that's why they're
divorced.
Just then the BARTENDER arrives with the Miller Genuine
Drafts and the guys CLINK BOTTLES.
HOG-HEAD (CONT'D)
So come on, point out which girls
you guys are gonna do tonight.
Gary elbows Fred as he spots TWO MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN at the end
of the bar.
GARY
What about those two? Why don't you
bang them?
FRED
No way. They're doing the
SWEATSHIRT-AROUND-THE-WAIST THING--
they're obviously hiding something
back there.
42
GARY
Okay, how about the blonde hostess?
Maybe somebody should nail her,
huh?
RICK
Attempt to be cool, Gary--we've got
a whole week.
Baker looks around at the lame bar scene.
BAKER
Are you guys sure that Applebee's
is the best place to be picking up
women?
RICK
What are you thinking--Olive
Garden?
GARY
Nah, that's only good on Thursday
nights.
HOG-HEAD
Hey, what about the auto show?
Baker shoots them a look.
BAKER
Are you guys for real?
GARY
Wait a second--where's Coakley?
That's where we should be.
BAKER
He's in Iceland.
RICK
What's he doing there?
BAKER
What do you think he's doing there?
The guys all nod at this, proud of him.
RICK
Look, before we go bagging any
chicks, I gotta get a hunk of beef
in me.
GARY
Hey, I got a guy over at Outback
Steak House who could set us up.
BAKER
Ooooh, he's got pull over at
Outback. Wow.
RICK
Hey, I like Outback. Let's chug
these and hit the road.
43.
As the guys drink up, Hog-head puts his arm around Gary.
HOG-HEAD
Hey, Gar, you don't happen to have
any connections at 7/11, do ya?
Maybe someone could hook me up with
a player's card so I can cut right
to the front of the raspberry
slurpy line.
The guys all LAUGH, as we
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF CAPE COD BEACH COTTAGE - NIGHT
This is an old summer shack nestled on a quiet bluff
overlooking the sound.
INT. BEACH COTTAGE - SAME
Grace stands at the window staring out on the ocean, while
Maggie nestles on the couch reading a summer novel. The kids
are asleep and the place is quiet.
GRACE
I think we might've made a huge
mistake.
MAGGIE
Stop thinking about it, Grace. Why
don t you just try to get some
sleep?
Grace turns to Maggie.
GRACE
Sleep? I can't sleep. I don't
understand you--how can you Just
sit there and read knowing that
Rick could be making out with a
supermodel right now?
Maggie doesn't answer.
GRACE (CONT'D)
Our husbands aren't married this
week. Do you know what husbands do
when they're not married?
MAGGIE
Shh. You're going to wake the kids.
GRACE
Are you going to sit there and tell
me you're not the least bit
concerned about what they're doing
right now?
Maggie SIGHS.
MAGGIE
Okay... I'm a little concerned.
44.
Grace flops into the chair across from her.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Of course I'm concerned. But what
choice did we have?
GRACE
We could've kept the status quo. I
mean, were things really that bad
that we had to try something this
extreme?
MAGGIE
For me they were.
(BEAT)
Look, you may call this a hall
pass, but for me it's more of a
Hail Mary pass. I'm serious, I
don't know what else to do.
Grace looks at Maggie, surprised.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Remember last week when we went to
Lucy's award thing?
Grace nods.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
That night when we got home, Rick
and I were gonna.. .you know... and I
was waiting for him in bed while he
tucked the kids in, and I started
wondering who he would be thinking
about during sex. Would it be the
girl he checked out on the way into
the party? Or would it be Missy
Frankenfield--because I noticed him
gawking at her? Or how about one of
the waitresses, or maybe somebody
he saw at work that day? Then when
he came into the room, I did
something I'd never done before: I
pretended to be asleep.
GRACE
You're kidding me? You've never
done that? I do that all the time!
Maggie almost smiles.
MAGGIE
Look, I understand that people have
fantasies and that you're not
always thinking about the person
you're with.
GRACE
That's for sure.
MAGGIE
But it's just...I don't know... it's
been too long since I felt that he
was thinking about me.
45.
They sit there for a moment, quiet. Then:
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
I need this hall pass to work,
Grace, because if it doesn't, I
don't know what's going to happen.
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE - NIGHT
We see two VERY OLD COUPLES walking out with doggie bags.
INT. OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE - SAME
Our five guys are in a MEAT COMA, slouched in their chairs
nursing red wines and talking through PURPLE TEETH. Several
EMPTY WINE BOTTLES, MARTINI GLASSES, HALF-EATEN STEAKS,
CARVED UP POTATO AU GRATIN and CREAMED SPINACH PLATES, and
MANGLED KEY-LIME PIES litter the table.
BAKER
Okay... so where to now?
Rick can't think in this state.
RICK
Fred...?
FRED
Hm?
RICK
Answer Baker.
FRED
What's the question?
RICK
What are we doing for the rest of
the night?
FRED
(DISINTERESTED)
I don't know. Getting laid, right?
HOG-HEAD
I gotta go home and poo.
BAKER
Now?
HOG-HEAD
Yeah, I put too much Hollandaise on
the mozzarella sticks.
GARY
Why don't you just back one out
here?
HOG-HEAD
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need a
bath afterwards.
46.
Baker musters some initiative and STANDS UP.
BAKER
Come on, you guys! I say we go to a
strip club and smoke cigars--
that 11 wake us up!
RICK
I got a better idea.
Rick STRETCHES.
RICK (CONT'D)
Let's go night-night.
BAKER
What?
RICK
I say we tie a bow on it and put
her to bed. This is gonna be a long
week so we should pace ourselves.
Baker looks at his watch.
BAKER
It's only nine-thirty!
FRED
I'm with Rico.
(YAWNS)
Freddy tie-tie.
GARY
(DISAPPOINTED)
Are you guys serious?
RICK
Relax, guys, this is just the calm
before the storm. Get out the
plywood and batten down the
hatches.
FRED
That's right. Tonight we build up
strength, tomorrow we make
landfall.
SMASH CUT TO:
Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:
DAY 2
EXT. GOLF COURSE - MORNING
Rick, Fred, Hog-head, and Gary are stretching on the first
tee of a local FOUR-STAR GOLF RESORT while taking in the
sights. Nearby, we see the hotel swimming pool lined with
ATTRACTIVE WOMEN in bikinis.
47.
HOG-HEAD
Wow. This place sure beats the hell
out of the Holiday Inn Express. Why
aren't you staying here?
RICK
Too pricey. Besides, since we're
paying for golf we get full access
to the resort--including the pool
bar.
FRED
Mothers, lock up your daughters--
the dogs are off the leash!
RICK
Turn-and-burn, baby!
Gary raises his hand for a HIGH-FIVE, but Rick balks.
RICK (CONT'D)
Nope. I don't do that.
HOG-HEAD
Hey, I say screw the golf--let's go
straight to the pool bar and start
getting you guys laid!
RICK
Hoch-head, relax, the pool bar ain't
going nowhere. Besides, it'll be
good for us to get a little sun
before making our grand entrance--
chicks love a healthy glow.
FRED
Plus it wouldn't hurt to work up a
little sweat--get those pheromones
flying.
Just then, two sexy BEER-CART GIRLS wave as they pass.
HOG-HEAD
You talked me into it.
GARY
Hey, guys, look what I brought.
Gary holds up a ZIPLOCK BAG full of something chocolatey.
RICK
What's that?
GARY
Pot brownskies.
The guys all look at one another, baffled.
RICK
What, are we on spring break? Where
the hell'd you get those?
GARY
I got an in.
48.
FRED
With who?
GARY
Guy who washes my dog. Go ahead.
He holds out the bag and the guys hesitate.
GARY (CONT'D)
Eating it isn't like smoking it.
It's a much mellower buzz--you'll
just feel relaxed.
HOG-HEAD
Are they chocolatey?
As Hog-Head SNIFFS the brownies, Rick takes a practice swing.
RICK
Hog-head, come on, who eats pot
brownies at eleven in the morning
when they're playing golf?
HOG-HEAD
John Daly?
GARY
And by the way, Rick, this is
spring break! You've got a hall
pass! Live it up, man! It'll
probably help your rap with the
ladies later.
HOG-HEAD
Gary's right--when are we ever
gonna get the chance to do pot
brownies again?
Hog-Head takes a brownie and BITES INTO IT.
HOG-HEAD (CONT'D)
Mmm. These are yummy.
RICK
You don't even have a hall pass.
HOG-HEAD
So? I can still live vicariously
through you guys, can't I?
RICK
It's not vicarious if you're
actually doing it.
HOG-HEAD
Whatever. Just hit your ball.
Hog-Head takes ANOTHER BITE.
FRED
Oh, what the hell, it's not like my
game can get any worse.
49.
Rick watches Fred pick up a brownie and TENTATIVELY TASTE IT.
Then Gary INHALES HIS IN ONE BITE.
RICK
All right, give me one of those
things.
As Rick drops his club and walks toward the brownies, we
SUPER:
75 MINUTES LATER
EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY
A dazed and confused Rick and Fred are RECLINING in their
cart in the middle of the fairway. For a while neither of
them speak. Then:
FRED
What kind of soap do you use?
RICK
(BEAT)
You mean in the shower?
FRED
Yeah.
RICK
Dove.
FRED
Yeah, I like Dove--it doesn't dry
your skin so much.
Fred stares into space.
FRED (CONT'D)
Sometimes it's hard to wash off,
though. Because of the moisturizer.
You ever notice--?
RICK
I think Hog-head's dead.
Fred looks over and sees Hog-head SPRAWLED OUT ON HIS BACK IN
A SAND TRAP. He's not moving.
FRED
(CALLING OUT)
Hog-head...? Are you okay?
As Hog-head starts to make SNOW ANGELS IN THE SAND, an
elderly COURSE RANGER pulls up in a golf cart.
RANGER
What the hell is he doing?
Rick and Fred grow visibly tense at the sight of an authority
figure.
RICK
Uh, he's having back spasms.
50.
RANGER
Not him. Him.
Rick and Fred turn and see Gary STANDING CHEST-DEEP in the
MIDDLE OF A POND just STARING AT THEM.
RICK
(CALLING OUT)
Gary! What are you doing?!
GARY
I don't know--you tell me!
Gary starts to LAUGH MANIACALLY. The Ranger turns to Rick,
annoyed.
RANGER
Look, this is the third time I've
had to flag your group and you're
only on the fourth hole. Now if I
have to come out here again, you're
done for the day.
RICK
Gotcha. We'll pick it up, sir.
The Ranger shoots them a look and DRIVES OFF toward the TWO
ASIAN FOURSOMES waiting on the tee behind them.
CUT TO:
SUPER:
27 MINUTES LATER
EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY
The four guys are unnaturally bunched together on another
fairway.
RICK
Think. Where did you last see it?
GARY
On the course.
RICK
Where on the course?
GARY
I don't know--on a fairway, I
think. I clot out, grabbed my club,
took a swing, and when I turned
around it had disappeared.
RICK
You're serious? You're telling us
you lost your golf cart?
FRED
(STONER VOICE)
Dude, where's my golf cart?
51.
RICK
Shut up, Fred.
HOG-HEAD
Guys, I gotta go poo again.
GARY
I didn't lose it, I think it was
stolen.
RICK
(ANNOYED)
Who would steal a golf cart?
Gary shrugs.
GARY
Criminals?
HOG-HEAD
Does anyone have any napkins?
GARY
Look, all I know is I had it on the
seventh tee and now it's gone.
RICK
What are you talking about? We're
only on the sixth hole.
GARY
What? Did we miss a hole? Where's
my kids?
Rick closes his eyes and rubs his head, trying to keep it
together. Then he NOTICES something O.S..
RICK
Oh, come on, man!
ANOTHER ANGLE REVEALS Hog-head down in a greenside bunker
PULLING UP HIS PANTS. As he starts to KICK SAND over his
O.S. POOP like a cat in its litter box, we HEAR a noise and
the guys look up.
THEIR POV - the Golf Ranger comes flying over a hill heading
straight for them.
FRED
Run for it!
The guys run toward Rick's cart, jump in, and take off. Rick
and Fred are in the seats, while Gary and Hog-head HANG OFF
THE BACK. The cart BARRELS down a cart path with the Ranger
HOT IN PURSUIT.
GARY
He's gaining on us!
RICK
I can't go any faster, I've got it
floored!
52.
FRED
Cut through the woods!
Without slowing down, Rick TURNS SHARPLY TO THE RIGHT and
Gary and Hog-head TUMBLE OUT OF THE CART.
With panic etched across their sweaty faces, Gary and Hog-
head quickly jump to their feet and run after the cart. Rick
slows just enough for them to catch up and jump back on, then
he speeds down a maintenance path and DISAPPEARS INTO THE
WOODS.
EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE - DAY
Ed and Kimmy Long are sitting at an outside table having
lunch with their two young children. Their 7-Year-Old
Daughter is again dressed just like her mother and the 5-Year-
Old Son is dressed like the father.
7-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER
Hey, Mom, look!
The family turns to see...
THEIR POV - a stoned-looking Rick, Fred, Hog-head and Gary
are driving the golf cart down the city street. They stop at
a traffic light beside them. All the guys stare straight
ahead, ZOMBIE-LIKE, except for Fred who NOTICES the Longs.
He nods.
FRED
Ed. Kimmy. Clones.
The light changes and as the golf cart DRIVES OFF through the
busy intersection, we go
BACK ON ED AND KIMMY shaking their heads.
KIMMY
Their poor wives.
SMASH CUT TO:
Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:
DAY 3
EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - LATE AFTERNOON
It's a picture perfect day as a THOUSAND PEOPLE watch a Cape
Cod League baseball game rom the comfort of their picnic
blankets. The home team has loaded the bases in the bottom
of the ninth and Grace, Maggie, MAGGIE'S PARENTS, and the
kids are CLAPPING ALONG WITH THE CROWD.
CRACK! The BATTER HITS A ROPE TO RIGHT FIELD, and as the
TYING and WINNING RUNS SCORE the PLACE GOES WILD.
SAME SCENE - LATER
The PLAYERS and FANS mingle on the field immediately after
the game.
53.
Grace and Maggie stand near the pitcher's mound as they watch
Maggie's kids run the bases. The wives look TANNED and
REFRESHED from several days laying on the beach.
Just then a big, goofy kid named GERRY approaches. He's a
strapping 22-year-old first baseman from Puerto Rico with a
perpetual SHIT-EATING GRIN.
GERRY
Hey, I'm Gerry--thanks for coming
out and supporting us.
MAGGIE
Oh, it was fun. You guys looked
good.
GERRY
Thanks.
Gerry glances back at his TEAMMATES who are clearly egging
him on.
GERRY (CONT'D)
So...we saw you sitting up there
with those little kids--are you
nannies or something?
The girls aren't immune to flattery and they smile.
MAGGIE
No, they're my kids.
GERRY
(DUBIOUS)
Yeah, right. You have three kids?
MAGGIE
Uh-huh.
A couple other PLAYERS amble over.
GERRY
Dudes, they're not nannies, they're
mommies.
PLAYER #2
No way?!
GRACE
Well, she is, not me. I'm not old
enough yet.
Maggie and the players LAUGH.
RICK COLEMAN (O.S.)
Guys!
The players turn to see their coach, RICK COLEMAN,
approaching with MAGGIE'S FATHER, mid-70's.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
Time to pack things up--let's go!
54.
The Players quickly scatter.
MAGGIE'S FATHER
Maggie, Grace, this is Rick Coleman-
-the coach.
Rick Coleman is a granite-jawed 38-year-old with a good head
of hair and an easy-going manner.
RICK COLEMAN
I hope those clowns weren't
bothering you.
MAGGIE
Oh, no, they were sweet.
GRACE
Yeah. Cute kids.
MAGGIE
So you're the guy who's been taking
money off my dad every Saturday on
the golf course?
RICK COLEMAN
I hate to break it to you but your
old man's the one who's been taking
all the money--he's a thief.
Maggie's Father LAUGHS.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
Hey, everyone's coming back to my
place for some beers and a barbecue-
-why don't you join us?
MAGGIE
Oh, thanks, but we've gotta get the
kids home.
MAGGIE'S FATHER
Your mom and I will take 'em home.
You two go out and have a good time-
-cripes, you haven't been out all
week.
Grace perks up at this.
MAGGIE
Oh, I don't know, Dad, we really
HADN'T PLANNED--
GRACE
Excuse me, can I have a word with
you?
Grace pulls Maggie aside.
GRACE (CONT'D)
(WHISPERING)
What's your problem?
55.
MAGGIE
Oh, come on, Grace, these guys are
barely out of college, and, in case
you've forgotten, we're married.
GRACE
To who? Last I heard, Rick and Fred
had the week off from marriage. So
remind me again--who are we married
to?
Maggie thinks about this.
MAGGIE
Well...I guess one beer won't kill
us.
GRACE
(SMILING)
That's my girl.
Grace glances over at the ballplayers.
GRACE (CONT'D)
Why shouldn't we have fun? God
knows our guys are living it up.
CUT TO:
A CLOSE-UP OF HOG-HEAD
HOG-HEAD
What would you guys rather do--make-
out with a guy or let him blow you?
PULL BACK TO REVEAL that...
INT. ESPN SPORTS ZONE BAR - CONTINUOUS
.Our five guys are sitting at the bar drinking beer and
devouring plates of HOT WINGS. Around them we see about
fifty TV's BLARING twenty different sporting events. There's
ESPN logos everywhere and not a woman in sight.
HOG-HEAD (CONT'D)
And you've gotta pick one or
someone in your family will die--
that's the rule.
GARY
Oh boy, that's a toughie.
FRED
How long would you have to make-out
with him?
HOG-HEAD
Ten minutes.
RICK
Tongue?
56.
HOG-HEAD
Of course.
FRED
And how long would he have to blow
you?
HOG-HEAD
Seven minutes.
GARY
Oof. I mean, getting blown by a
dude is bad, but making out with a
guy, it's so.. .intimate.
RICK
You think it's more intimate than
getting blown by a guy?
GARY
Way more.
BAKER
All right, the hell with this shit,
I'm outta here.
Baker gets up from his stool.
RICK
(TAKEN ABACK)
What? Why?
BAKER
I wanted to watch you guys pick up
chicks, not talk about dicks.
FRED
Hey, greased lightning, let off the
gas--sometimes these things take
time.
GARY
Baker's right. This is day three
and you haven't even talked to a
girl.
RICK
(POINTED)
That's not exactly accurate, Gary.
Thanks to your scrumptious
brownies, I did spend half of last
night talking to Judy on the drug-
and-poison hotline.
Hog-head and Gary stand.
HOG-HEAD
I guess I'm gonna get going, too.
GARY
Yeah, this is boring. You guys are
pussies.
57.
FRED
Hey, I haven't seen you guys talk
to any girls.
BAKER
We don't have hall passes!
(SHAKES HEAD)
Come on, guys, let's go.
The three friends start to leave but Hog-head stops and
turns.
HOG-HEAD
Hey, guys, it's all right if you
strike-out.. .but for godsakes, at
least take a couple of swings.
A moment later the guys are gone and a humbled Rick and Fred
sit there feeling alone.
FRED
(BEING BRAVE)
This is actually good--you know,
that they're leaving. You don't
need five hunters to bag two birds.
RICK
No, you do not. And I love those
guys but, let's be honest, they're
not exactly chick-magnets.
FRED
You can say that again. Yep, the
steak always looks better if you
trim away some of the fat. And
let's face it, we are the steak.
RICK
Dream team, baby.
The guys CLINK BEERS. Then:
RICK (CONT'D)
Maybe we should call the girls and
ask them to come home.
Fred glances at him, aghast.
FRED
What?
RICK
Who are we kidding, man? Do you
really think we're going to be
picking up any girls this week?
FRED
Why wouldn't we?
RICK
Because that's not us anymore.
FRED
Wait a second. You want to quit?
58.
RICK
Fred, we're not the same guys we
were fifteen years ago, back when
we were single. We've changed.
Fred stares at him, incredulous.
FRED
No, man, you've changed. All you
care about is yourself--what about
all the guys out there who are
counting on us to make this thing
work?
RICK
What are you talking about?
FRED
Don't you get it?
(DRAMATIC BEAT)
We're the chosen ones!
Fred stands up and points at Rick.
FRED (CONT'D)
That's right--this thing is bigger
than us! Our wives didn't give us
this hall pass, the good Lord did!
And what do we have to show for it?
Nothing.
RICK
Come off it, Fred. Obviously
hooking up isn't something we
really want--if it was, we could've
done it by now.
FRED
Could we have?
Rick is taken aback by this.
RICK
(WANING CONFIDENCE)
Well ...of course. I mean, if we'd
really wanted to.
FRED
Guess what? I did want to. And you
know how close I got? We're three
days in and the only woman I've
spoken to was our waitress at
Outback. And she never even made
eye-contact.
RICK
I don't really care if some
waitress makes eye-contact. I want
to go home--I miss my wife and
kids.
59.
FRED
Let me explain something to you: If
Grace and Maggie find out we can't
get laid on our own, they'll start
thinking we need them to get laid.
Do you know what that'll do to the
balance of power in our homes?
It'll destroy it!
Rick thinks about this and grows alarmed.
RICK
Well, what if we just tell them
that we did hook up?
FRED
We can't. Grace'll know. She always
knows when I'm lying.
RICK
Hey, what about a massage parlor?
FRED
No! That's giving up.
Fred glares at him.
FRED (CONT'D)
You don't get it, do you? A hall
pass ain't all about sex. It's
about being man enough to pick up a
woman even though you may not be
what--in the traditional sense--is
considered...
(makes quotes with
FINGERS)
.good-looking, or...
(finger quotes again)
.appealing.
Rick seems stung by this news.
FRED (CONT'D)
Look, if we can't show that
something positive can come from
having a hall pass, then the whole
concept is dead. Not just for
us...but for all mankind.
Rick thinks about this for a moment, then stands up with a
RENEWED SENSE OF PURPOSE.
RICK
All right, let's get out of here. I
know exactly where we should be.
CUT TO:
EXT. BALL TEAM BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT
The party's in full swing. A hundred or so PLAYERS, PLAYER'S
GIRLFRIENDS, and FRIENDS are in and out of the pool, drinking
beer and rocking out to Arcade Fire on the boombox.
60.
ANGLE ON Maggie and Rick Coleman sipping beers while in the
b.g. we see Grace PLAYING VOLLEYBALL in the pool (still in
the shorts and t-shirt she wore that afternoon.)
MAGGIE
So how about you, Rick, do you have
any children?
RICK COLEMAN
Nah, but maybe some day. Your mom
keeps talking about hooking me up
with your cousin Kate.
Maggie LAUGHS.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
That's not a good sign.
MAGGIE
No, I hardly know her. She moved to
Miami when I was eight.
RICK COLEMAN
That's what your mom said. I coach
at the University of Miami.
MAGGIE
Then you should go out with her.
RICK COLEMAN
Nice try.
(BEAT)
So how about yourself--how long you
been married?
MAGGIE
Uh...fourteen years. We were
college sweethearts.
RICK COLEMAN
Nice. And where is he this week?
MAGGIE
He's up in Boston.
RICK COLEMAN
Poor guy. All work and no play,
huh?
Maggie forces a smile.
MAGGIE
Something like that.
Suddenly Grace is PROPELLED OUT OF THE WATER and UP ONTO
GERRY'S SHOULDERS.
GRACE
Stop it! What are you doing?!
61.
Gerry LAUGHS and BOUNCES AROUND THE POOL and Grace and Maggie
and the coach can't help but LAUGH along with him, as we
CUT TO:
EXT. RAMADA INN - NIGHT
Rick and Fred pull into the hotel's lot in the mini-van. As
Rick gets out, Fred reaches behind his seat and comes out
clutching a MOTORCYCLE HELMET. Rick stares at him.
FRED
(DEFENSIVE)
Chicks dig motorcycles.
INT. RAMADA INN OLDIE'S BAR - NIGHT
It's 80's night and a Hall & Oates cover band is PLAYING
complete with look-alikes, except Oates is black. Behind the
band there's a banner that reads: 'Ramada Inn proudly
welcomes the Mutual of Omaha Leadership Council!' We see
middle-aged CORPORATE TYPES everywhere.
DARRYL HALL
(SINGING)
". .Oh-oh here she comes, watch out
boy she'll chew you up. Oh-oh here
she comes, she's a maneater..."
ANGLE ON THE BAR where Rick and Fred are checking out the
scene. Fred is WEARING THE HELMET. (It's a huge BLACK,
OVERSIZED HELMET WITH A VISOR.) He pulls it off, SHAKES OUT
HIS HAIR, and places it prominently ON THE BAR.
FRED
Jackpot, baby.
Rick NOTICES SOMETHING O.S..
RICK
How about those two?
ANGLE ON two pretty LATINO WOMEN sitting alone at a table.
FRED
Ooh, yeah. Daddy likes.
Fred pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket and hands
it to Rick.
RICK
What's this?
FRED
I went on-line this afternoon and
wrote down some good pick-up lines
to break the ice.
RICK
(READING)
'Hi. Will you help me find my
puppy? I think he ran into the
cheap hotel across the street.'
62.
FRED
That's a good one--except for one
thing: We don't have a puppy, so
when she gets there she'll realize
we're full of shit.
Rick shoots him a look.
RICK
I don't think it's supposed to be
for real. It's just to make her
laugh so she'll talk to you.
Fred considers this.
FRED
Oh God no, it doesn't work on that
level. Here, this is my favorite.
He takes the paper from Rick.
FRED (CONT'D)
(READING)
'You must be from Ireland because
when I look at you my penis is
Dublin.'
RICK
It's a charmer but you know what?
We don't need phony pick-up lines.
Why don't we just be ourselves?
FRED
Great. If you know how to.
Rick takes a DEEP BREATH and braces himself.
RICK
Give me the helmet.
Fred hands him the helmet, then Rick marches up to the two
Latino Women with the helmet under his arm and Fred close on
his heels.
RICK (CONT'D)
Hi.
The women give him a pleasant look.
LATINO WOMAN #1
Hello.
Fred gives a little wave from behind Rick.
FRED
Hola.
LONG BEAT as Rick tries to figure what to say next. Then:
RICK
Well.. .this is awkward. I feel like
I'm back at my first junior high
school mixer.
63.
Rick and Fred force a LAUGH and the girls smile. Another
LONG, UNCOMFORTABLE BEAT. Rick clears his throat.
RICK CONT'D)
So...are you ladies from Ireland?
LATINO WOMAN #2
No.
RICK.
I'm very surprised to hear that
news, because when I look at you my
penis doubles in size.
The women FLINCH at this, losing their smiles. Fred leans in.
FRED
No, he means his dick is Dublin.
Like the city. In Ireland.
As the girls turn away from them, we begin a...
MUSIC MONTAGE - Hall & Oates' I Can't Go For That plays as
our GUYS GET SHOT DOWN by a DOZEN DIFFERENT BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
END MONTAGE
SAME SCENE - LATER
Rick and Fred are at the bar looking TIRED and FRUSTRATED.
RICK
I have this overwhelming urge to
donkey-kick everyone in this bar.
FRED
Okay, tiger, keep your chin up--no
one said this was going to be easy.
Even in college you had to take
fifty rejections for every score,
remember?
RICK
Yeah, but it didn't sting so much
when I was drunk.
Fred perks up.
FRED
That's it! We should be drinking!
RICK
You're right. We're too stiff.
FRED
Way too stiff. We gotta start
pounding 'em, get those creative
juices flowing, bring the soul to
the surface.
Rick smiles.
64.
RICK
That's when we're at our most
charming!
SMASH CUT TO:
SAME SCENE - LATER
A HAMMERED Fred is HOLDING A HAND OVER ONE EYE as he SHOUTS
at a table full of GORGEOUS YOUNG WOMEN.
FRED
You say no to me? You say no to
me?! I SAY NO TO YOU!
He's being restrained by an unusually patient BOUNCER. In
the b.g. we see Rick PASSED OUT ON A STOOL in a VERY AWKWARD
POSITION.
BOUNCER
Come on, buddy, let's go...
The women glare at Fred with disgust, maybe even a little
amusement.
FRED
No, screw them!
(pointing at the women)
You think your shit don't stink?!
Well I got news for ya: I wouldn't
titty-bang you in a snow storm!
20-SOMETHING WOMAN
(mocking),
Oh, please, sir, please titty-bang
us in a snow storm!
The women LAUGH.
FRED
Nope, you blew it, not gonna
happen.
BOUNCER
(still restraining Fred)
There you go, mister, you got 'em
good. Now let's go.
As the Bouncer drags him toward the exit, a STUNNING GIRL
passes them WEARING TIGHT LEATHER PANTS with an AMERICAN FLAG
PRINT ON THE BUTT. Fred turns to her.
FRED
(SLURRING)
Hey, sweetie, you need a pole for
that flag?
Just then, the Girl's LARGE BOYFRIEND appears, and as his
FIST MEETS FRED'S FACE, we
SMASH CUT TO:
Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:
65.
DAY 4
INT. RICK AND FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON
A SNORING Rick is FAST ASLEEP, sprawled out on his back on
the bed WEARING ONLY HIS BOXERS despite the clock next to him
reading 3:37 in the afternoon. He's surrounded by several
left-over ROOM SERVICE TRAYS.
ANOTHER ANGLE reveals Fred CURLED UP NAKED ON THE BATHROOM
FLOOR, also SNORING. HE USES A BATH MAT AS A PILLOW.
SMASH CUT TO:
Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:
DAY 5
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF COLDWELL BANKER REAL ESTATE OFFICE - DAY
INT. COLDWELL BANKER OFFICE - SAME
A worn-out-looking Rick is working at his desk when Fred
approaches (with a BLACK EYE.)
FRED
I know what we've been doing wrong.
Rick lifts his chin.
FRED (CONT'D)
If we're gonna break out of this
slump, we've got to start using our
strength. And that is.. .people who
know us, like us. So we should go
after the women we've already won
over.
RICK
You mean like our wives?
FRED
Yeah, like that, but not them.
Fred sits in the chair across from Rick.
FRED (CONT'D)
I was thinking Coffee Girl.
RICK
You've won over Coffee Girl?
FRED
Well, I'm sure she'd recognize me.
Rick thinks about this.
RICK
Look, if you really want to go
after someone you already know,
have you considered Missy
Frankenfield?
66.
Fred's listening.
RICK (CONT'D)
She's got all the stats you like--
she's beautiful, you k now her phone n ow-
number, she's freshly divorced...
FRED
Which according to Hog-head means
she's horny.
RICK
Bingo.
As Fred smiles, we
CUT TO:
EXT. CAPE COD BEACH - DAY
Maggie and Grace are laying outintheir bathing suits when
they hear O.S. YELLING and lookupto see the baseball player
Gerry WATERSKIING toward them.Helets go of the rope and
skis UP ONTO THE SHORE.
GERRY
What's up, beach bunnies?
Grace and Maggie sit up and smile.
GRACE
What are you doing here?
He KICKS OFF THE SKI, then runs over and SHAKES HIS WET BODY
ALL OVER THE GIRLS.
GRACE & MAGGIE
Gerry, stop it!
GERRY
Hey, where are the kiddies? We
thought we'd take you all for a
boat ride.
MAGGIE
My parents took them to Martha's
Vineyard for the weekend.
Just then, we hear a LOUD HORN. They look up to see the boat
pulling close to shore. Rick Coleman is behind the wheel and
a couple PLAYERS are in the back. Maggie waves.
RICK COLEMAN
(THROUGH BULLHORN)
All right, everybody aboard! We're
going waterskiing!
The two women look at each other--why not? As they get up
and RUN INTO THE WATER, we
CUT TO:
67.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Rick stands in line at the coffee shop looking casual in
slacks and a Harvard t-shirt. Music plays. He peers ahead
and sees the Wannabe Artist-Type taking the order of a
TEENAGE GIRL. At the other register, Coffee Girl is also
taking orders. Rick is hoping to get Coffee Girl but Wannabe
gets to him first.
WANNABE
Can I take your order?
Rick sees that there's no one behind him. He turns to the
Wannabe.
RICK
Uh...I don't know what I want.
Wannabe stares at him, waiting. Rick hesitates a few
moments, then levels with the guy.
RICK (CONT'D)
Look, man, I want her to take my
order.
WANNABE
Why?
RICK
Uh, she knows how I like it.
WANNABE
(ATTITUDE)
Little help, Leigh--your unique
barista skills have been requested.
Rick waves weakly to Leigh and winks. As Leigh approaches,
Wannabe mocks Rick by waving at him and winking.
LEIGH
Hi. What would you like?
Rick was hoping to have a conversation but Wannabe is
crowding them.
RICK
Iced coffee. With two Splendas.
Leigh rings him up.
LEIGH
That'll be two dollars.
Rick hands her a fiver and nods toward the speakers.
RICK
By the way, nice tunes. Do you
choose 'em or do they come down
from corporate?
LEIGH
Me. It's Snow Patrol.
68.
She hands Rick his change and he dumps it in the tip jar.
RICK
Nice soundtrack. Pretty solid
movie, too.
Wannabe BARKS out a LAUGH.
WANNABE
Dude, you're thinking of Snow Do s--
the Cuba Gooding kiddie flick. This
is Snow Patrol, the band.
Rick shrugs, a little embarrassed.
LEIGH
Thanks for the tip.
As Leigh grabs a cup and goes to make the coffee, Wannabe
SAYS SOMETHING to her that WE CAN'T HEAR and they both LAUGH.
A PHONE RINGS in the employee room. Leigh hands Wannabe the
coffee, then runs back to answer it. Wannabe hands Rick the
iced coffee and winks at him.
WANNABE
Enjoy your two-Splenda'd iced
coffee, mister.
Rick starts to go, then turns around and stares at Wannabe.
Wannabe, comforted by the counter between them, smiles back.
RICK
Why are you smiling? You think this
counter is some alligator-infested
moat?
Rick's stare becomes a glare and Wannabe loses his smile.
RICK (CONT'D)
This little 'I'm-on-the-inside, too-
cool-for-school, let's-laugh-at-the-
DORKY-SUBURBAN-GUY-CAUSE-I'M-SAFE-
ON-THIS-SIDE-OF-THE-COUNTER'
routine's gonna get you hurt. After
you lose all of your family's money
on your avante garde piece of crap
short film, you're going to need a
job. And it's guys like me that
hire. And guys like me don't hire
punks like you. So shape up.
As Rick turns and walks out, we PAN over to see that Leigh
HAS BEEN WATCHING THIS.
EXT. COFFEE SHOP - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Rick sits alone at a table on the sidewalk drinking his
coffee. He NOTICES some postcards advertising a two-week
free trial at the local gym and starts to read them.
LEIGH (O.S.)
I work-out there.
69.
Rick looks up, suddenly finding himself alone with Leigh.
RICK
You do?
Leigh nods and starts to straighten up the tables.
RICK (CONT'D)
I work-out at home, but I was
thinking of going public with my
work-outs. What do you squat?
She seems amused by this.
LEIGH
I don't really squat, just run on
the hamster-wheel everyday after
work.
She starts wiping down a table.
COFFEE GIRL
So did you go to Harvard?
She nods at Rick's t-shirt.
RICK
Yeah.
(BEAT)
I mean, you know...I went to a
party there once.
Coffee Girl GIGGLES and Rick perks up.
RICK (CONT'D)
(RE:SHIRT)
Actually, this is Harvard Health
Care. Sleep apnea... snoring too
much.
(holds up gym postcard)
So is this a good place to join?
LEIGH
Great place. Real chill. And they
have a bar, so I always grab a beer
after my workout.
RICK
Bitchin'. Sounds like a nice
routine. Maybe I'll routine it,
too.
LEIGH
If you join, tell 'em Leigh sent
you--they'll give me two free
months.
RICK
I'll do that, Leigh.
LEIGH
Rockin'.
Leigh gives him the peace sign.
70.
RICK
R-O-C-K in the U-S-A.
Leigh smiles and as she heads back inside, we
CUT TO:
INT. RICK & FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Fred is sitting on his bed flipping through his address book
until he comes to Missy Frankenfield. He hits the
SPEAKERPHONE and DIALS. Several RINGS later:
MISSY FRANKENFIELD (V.0.)
Hi, this is Missy. Sorry I missed
your call. I'm out of town for a
few days, and I may have limited
cell reception. Please leave a
message and I'll get back to you as
soon as I can. BEEP.
Fred mouths the word 'shit', then picks up the receiver.
FRED
Hey, Missy, this is Fred Searing.
I . uh, I dust wanted to give you a
ring and, um...well, give me a call
when you get back. It's kind of an
emergency. Well, not life-
threatening, but--
The machine CUTS HIM OFF. Fred HANGS UP, dejected. He sits
there for a BEAT, then grabs his keys and GOES OUT THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
EXT. STRIP MALL - LATE AFTERNOON
TIGHT ON FRED - he's wearing SHADES and has a BASEBALL CAP
pulled down over his eyes.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL that he's outside a MASSAGE PARLOR. As
he approaches the massage parlor entrance, a bunch of LADIES
walk out of the TRAVEL AGENCY just to the right so Fred veers
into the DRY CLEANERS to the left.
INT. DRY CLEANERS - CONTINUOUS
Fred ENTERS and immediately bumps into Kimmy Long (Ed's wife)
standing in line behind several other WOMEN. She is
accompanied by her 7-year-old daughter and neither of them
look happy to see him.
FRED
Oh, hi.
Kimmy nods blankly. The Daughter glares at him. Fred
nervously steps up next to them in line, passing time as he
waits for the sidewalk to clear.
FRED (CONT'D)
Um, I don't think I got a chance to
tell you how impressed I was with
your new place. Absolutely elegant.
71.
Kimmy GRUNTS a thank you and turns away from him.
ANGLE ON the KOREAN LADY who owns the dry cleaners. She
stands behind the desk with an accordion wall behind her.
DRY CLEAN KOREAN LADY
Mr. Searing, you pick up last week--
no more clothes here!
Fred smiles uncomfortably at Kimmy.
FRED
That's right...
(looks at watch)
Well, gotta get going--I have a
meeting across town in ten minutes.
See ya.
Fred EXITS.
EXT. SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS
Fred comes out of the dry cleaners, makes sure the coast is
clear, then DUCKS INTO THE MASSAGE PARLOR.
INT. MASSAGE PARLOR - CONTINUOUS
A YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN is behind the counter.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
You want massage?
Fred looks around. There's an OLD KOREAN LADY sitting on a
couch. He looks at the Young Korean Woman and nods.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN (CONT'D)
You fill out.
The Young Korean Woman hands Fred a form. Fred puts it down
and covertly moves in.
FRED
I'd prefer no paper trail.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
Need for insurance company.
FRED
I don't think my insurance
company's gonna cover this one.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
Ten dollar co-pay?
FRED
Uh, no.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
Fill out form. It policy.
Fred moves in closer.
72.
FRED
Look, I don't really want this in
print.
The Young Korean Woman hands him back the form.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
How I know what you want if you no
fill out form?
FRED
Um, couldn't I just tell you?
She stares at him for a LONG BEAT.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
So, what you waiting for?!
Fred glances back at the Old Korean Lady, then WHISPERS in
the Young Korean Woman's ear. She nods and looks at him.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN (CONT'D)
Okay.. .but must see I.D. first.
Fred SIGHS and pulls out a hundred-dollar bill.
FRED
How about a C-note so I don't have
to fill out any forms or show any
I.D.'s?
The Young Korean Woman thinks about this for a moment, then
SLIDES OPEN THE ACCORDION WALL behind her, REVEALING...
THE DRY CLEANERS NEXT DOOR - the Dry Cleaning Korean Lady
looks back at him, along with Kimmy Long, her daughter, and
ALL THE OTHER WOMEN IN LINE.
YOUNG KOREAN WOMAN
Gentleman want a rub-and-tug with
tea-bag happy ending but don't fill
out form!
Kimmy Long glares at him, appalled. As Fred backpedals OUT
OF THE MASSAGE PARLOR, he waves at her weakly, and we...
CUT TO:
EXT. PARTY BOAT - DAY
One hundred GUESTS dance on the top deck of this large ship
as the Bee Gee's Night Fever BLASTS from the speakers.
SONG
.Night fever, night fever.. .we
know how to do it...'
As the song heats up, the crowd parts, REVEALING... Rick
Coleman and Gerry decked-out in WHITE, TONY-MANARO-SUITS.
They're DANCING UP A STORM with Maggie and Grace who are
thrilled to be in such capable hands. Grace is getting
tossed around a bit, but it's clear that Maggie can hold her
own on a dance floor.
73.
The crowd soon FORMS A CIRCLE around the two couples, and as
Rick and Gerry SWING AND LIFT our delighted and breathless
wives, we
CUT TO:
SAME SCENE - LATER
Maggie and Rick Coleman are standing at the rail of the boat
taking a breather.
RICK COLEMAN
Wow. You can really move out there.
Maggie shrugs modestly.
MAGGIE
Thanks. I was a dance major in
college.
RICK COLEMAN
Really? I always wondered--what do
you do with a degree in dance?
MAGGIE
Well, as it turned out, nothing.
(BLUSHING)
I guess the original plan was to go
to New York and try to hook-up with
one of the big dance companies, but
then I got married and. . .your
priorities change.
She looks away, maybe a little embarrassed.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Anyway, that was fun. I haven't
danced this much in a long time.
RICK COLEMAN
Why not?
MAGGIE
I don't know, you get busy, kids,
school, there's so much going on.
RICK COLEMAN
Well you gotta make time for the
stuff you love or you'll forget who
you are.
Maggie appreciates the sentiment. She makes strong eye-
contact with Rick for a moment, but catches herself and looks
away.
MAGGIE
You know, my husband's name is
Rick.
Rick smiles at this.
74.
RICK COLEMAN
Well that makes me the perfect guy
to have an affair with--you'd never
have to worry about screaming out
the wrong name during sex.
Maggie smiles at this, but she seems a nick uncomfortable.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
I'm kidding.
MAGGIE
I know.
RICK COLEMAN
Now come on, let's go find Grace
and get something to eat. I'm
starving.
As they head back to the party, we
CUT TO:
INT. RICK'S TOYOTA AVALON - LATE AFTERNOON
Rick is parked across the street from FITNESS FIRM HEALTH
CLUB. He's reading the newspaper and glancing at the
entrance for Leigh. Suddenly there's a LOUD TAP on the
window and Rick looks over to see Flats (who we met at Rick's
poker night) standing outside with a shit-eating grin. Rick
rolls down the window.
FLATS
Hey, Rick.
RICK
(STARTLED)
Oh...hey, Flats. How you doing,
man?
FLATS
Great. What's up with you? How's
that hall pass thing going?
Rick makes a Scooby Doo sound, alarmed.
RICK
Who told you about that--was it Hog-
head?
FLATS
No. Some old lady was yakking about
it down at the post office.
Rick REACTS to this.
FLATS (CONT'D)
(BIG SMILE)
So what's the deal--you getting
laid?
RICK
(DEFENSIVE)
What? No.
75.
RICK (CONT'D)
I don't know where you're getting
your information, Flats, but a hall
pass isn't just about getting laid,
it's about getting a week off from
marriage to do as you please--
whether that be fishing, or
watching TV, whatever it is that
relaxes you.
FLATS
(DUBIOUS)
Oh, I didn't know that.
Just then Rick NOTICES Leigh (dressed in work-out clothes)
walking down the sidewalk toward the gym.
RICK
Uh, Flatsy, I gotta run. I'm late
for my work-out appointment.
When Rick hops out of his car, we see that he's wearing gym
shorts and an old Springsteen t-shirt. He hesitates, then
grabs a SWEATSHIRT out of the car and TIES IT AROUND HIS
WAIST. Rick hurries down the sidewalk toward Leigh.
RICK (CONT'D)
Hey, girl!
LEIGH
(SMILING)
All right! You decided to go for
it.
As Rick follows Leigh into the gym, a smiling Flats CALLS
OUT:
FLATS
Hey, Rick! Good luck with the
fishing!
As Flats begins to LAUGH, a sheepish Rick scurries into the
building.
INT. FITNESS FIRM HEALTH CLUB - MOMENTS LATER
Rick and Leigh stand at the front desk. A young, buff dude,
CLYDE, looks up from folding towels.
LEIGH
Clyde, this is my friend, uh...
RICK
Rick.
LEIGH
He's looking to join.
CLYDE
Great. I'll get you signed up.
Leigh pats Rick's hand.
LEIGH
See ya.
76.
She turns to leave.
RICK
So, uh, are you gonna grab a
brewski after your work-out?
LEIGH
Nah.
Rick looks disappointed.
LEIGH (CONT'D)
I'm gonna grab two.
Leigh flashes him a smile and as she walks away, she gives
him the peace sign. He returns it.
RICK
Peace it!
As soon as he hears himself, Rick cringes.
CUT TO:
CLOSE ON RICK'S FACE - he's wearing the headphones and has
worked up a PRETTY GOOD SWEAT.
PULL BACK to reveal that he's SITTING ON THE TOILET.
INT. HEALTH CLUB - MEN'S LOCKER ROOM - SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
We hear a FLUSH. Rick shuffles out of a stall and moves to a
sink. While he washes his hands, a young, NAKED, METROSEXUAL-
TYPE whips his leg into the sink beside him. Rick slowly
turns to look.
RICK'S POV - as the Metrosexual talks to ANOTHER NAKED MAN,
he fills his hand with SHAVING CREAM and the hand DISAPPEARS
BETWEEN HIS OWN LEGS. The guys continue their conversation,
unfazed. Then the Metrosexual starts to SHAVE HIS BALLS.
As Rick dries his hands, he can't contain himself.
RICK
What's that about--you swimming the
English Channel?
The Metrosexual shoots Rick an annoyed look.
METROSEXUAL
Nah, Just not into looking like the
knuckle-dragging guy on the
evolution-of-man chart.
Off Rick looking self-consciously down at his fur-covered
body, we go...
INT. HOT TUB ROOM - A FEW MINUTES LATER
Rick ENTERS the empty hot tub room, takes off his towel, and
eases into the STEAMING WATER. He hits a button and the jets
kick on FULL BLAST, turning the hot tub into a BUBBLY
CAULDRON.
77.
RICK
Oh...yes.
He bunches up his towel and puts it behind his head, then
settles in and CLOSES HIS EYES.
DISSOLVE TO:
SAME SCENE - LATER
Rick is in a DEEP SLEEP. His mouth is wide open but his head
is BARELY ABOVE WATER as he SNORES LOUDLY. He dips beneath
the surface and as he begins to CHOKE and COUGH, he wakes up.
Rick takes a moment to get his bearings, then STRUGGLES to
get out of the hot tub. But his MUSCLES HAVE TURNED TO JELLY.
RICK
(WEAKLY)
Little help...
When none comes, a life-and-death STRUGGLE ensues as the
flabby, middle-aged dad tries to climb to safety.
RICK (CONT'D)
Help ...me...
Just as Rick starts to go under, the two young naked
metrosexuals hear his MOANS and come to his rescue. They
jump in the hot tub and heave him ashore. As Rick GASPS for
air, one of the metrosexuals kneels down and lifts Rick's
head onto his NAKED LAP.
NAKED METROSEXUAL #1
Are you having chest pains, sir?
RICK
(WINDED)
No, no, I think I was...in the hot
tub too long. I can't feel my body.
NAKED METROSEXUAL #2
How long were you in there?
RICK
What time is it?
NAKED METROSEXUAL #2
Seven-thirty.
RICK
About three hours.
That's when Rick realizes that his head is RESTING ON THE
GUY'S COCK. He tries to roll off him, but Metrosexual #1
HOLDS HIM TIGHT.
NAKED METROSEXUAL #1
Try not to move, sir.
RICK
I'm okay, just help me up.
78.
NAKED METROSEXUAL #1
(TO METROSEXUAL #2)
All right, give him a hand.
Metrosexual #2 straddles Rick's chest and leans down to pull
him up. As Rick starts to rise, HIS FACE COMES PERILOUSLY
CLOSE TO THE SECOND MAN'S O.S. DANGLING COCK and Rick has to
TURN HIS HEAD TO AVOID CONTACT.
They finally get Rick to his feet. As the naked men help him
across the room, we
ANGLE ON - two TANNED, HAIRLESS METROSEXUAL ASSES flanking
Rick's HIRSUTE BUTT.
RICK
Okay, thanks, guys. I can take it
from here.
The metrosexuals release Rick and he gets about two steps
before his LEGS GIVE OUT and he TUMBLES DOWN A SMALL FLIGHT
OF STEPS.
SMASH CUT TO:
Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:
DAY 6
INT. RICK AND FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY
A depressed Rick and Fred sit in bed numbing their pain by
WATCHING THE BOURNE SUPREMACY and eating a couple PINTS OF
BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM.
FRED
We let down the male species.
(SIGHS)
I really thought our hall passes
might change the philosophy of
marriage in America.
Fred eats a big scoop of ice cream.
FRED (CONT'D)
(WITH MOUTH-FULL)
I envisioned a national holiday,
right between July 4th and Labor
Day, like the first Friday in
August, Hall Pass Day; a day for
husbands to get some strange, a day
that would forever be known as the
holiday,that saved the institution
of marriage.
RICK
All right, don't give up.
FRED
I'm not giving up, I'm facing facts-
-this is our last day and we got
nothing cooking. Maybe you were
right. Maybe we should just tell
the girls to come home.
79.
RICK
No. I want the hall pass.
Fred looks at Rick, surprised.
RICK (CONT'D)
At first I wasn't sure, but now I
want the dream.
FRED
I'm not even sure I know what the
dream is anymore.
RICK
I just...I just want to know what
it's like to be with another woman.
FRED
Well, just pull up one of the
golden oldies in your spank bank--
it's almost like being there.
RICK
I don't have anything in that spank
bank.
FRED
I'm talking about all the girls
before you met Maggie.
Rick doesn't say anything.
FRED (CONT'D)
What?
(BEAT)
No, you're not serious?
Rick lowers his head.
FRED (CONT'D)
Wait a second, are you saying...?
(BEAT)
But how can that be--you didn't
meet Maggie until college?
RICK
(DEFENSIVE)
Yeah, so? What do you think,
everyone gets laid in high school?
I got news for you, mister--getting
laid in high school is not a right,
it's a privilege.
Fred puts down his ice cream. Rick SIGHS.
RICK (CONT'D)
First class, first day, freshman
year, I saw Maggie--she was sitting
three seats away in Western Civ--
and I fell in love instantly. I
begged her for three months to go
out with me, she finally caved, and
that night I told her I loved her.
80.
RICK (CONT'D)
Eighty-four days later she told me
she loved me back and we've been
together ever since.
Fred stares at him.
FRED
Wow. That's a really creepy story.
Just then Fred's cell phone RINGS and he ANSWERS it.
FRED (CONT'D)
Hello.
(BEAT)
Yeah.
(BEAT)
Oh, okay, great.
Fred hangs up but doesn't say anything.
RICK
Who was that?
FRED
Just an angel from heaven.
Suddenly Fred jumps to his feet.
FRED (CONT'D)
Coakley's back in town!
As Rick's face fills with renewed hope, we...
CUT TO:
INT. BEACH COTTAGE - AFTERNOON
Maggie and Grace are sitting at the kitchen table gazing at a
BOUQUET OF FLOWERS and an open GIFT BOX displaying an
ENGRAVED I.D. BRACELET.
MAGGIE
Does this mean you're going steady?
GRACE
(GUILTY)
That's not funny. I feel terrible--
the poor kid's spending all his
hard-earned money on me--that's
sad. Cute, but sad.
MAGGIE
Grace, you should be flattered.
You're thirty-eight-years-old and
college kids are still swooning
over you.
GRACE
Well I just feel bad if I gave him
the wrong impression.
81.
MAGGIE
The wrong impression? What makes
you think that--I mean, besides the
flowers, I.D. bracelet, and love
letter?
Maggie picks up a card.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
(READING)
'Dearest Grace--Our final game is
tonight. Please meet me at the
coach's place afterwards to
celebrate. Yours truly, Gerry.'
GRACE
Thanks for piling on.
Grace stands up and SIGHS.
GRACE (CONT'D)
Well...I can't accept this. I guess
I'm just gonna have to go set him
straight.
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A PIZZERIA UNO - NIGHT
INT. PIZZERIA UNO - SAME
Rick and Fred are sitting at a table sharing a pizza while
Fred texts someone.
RICK
What are you doing?
FRED
Just texting Missy Frankenfield
that we're going to be at Enter the
Dragon--I'm covering all my bases.
RICK
You don't need Missy Frankenfield
tonight. If we can't get the job
done with Coakley as our wingman,
then we're pathetic.
Just then, Fred NOTICES something O.S.
FRED
All right, here come da man!
CLOSE ON RESTAURANT ENTRANCE - a suave, DEBONAIR MAN (played
by George Clooney) comes through the doors and stops to check
out the room.
Rick and Fred jump up and approach him WITH OPEN ARMS but at
the last second Clooney steps aside REVEALING a THIN, BALDING
MAN dressed HEAD-TO-TOE IN MOTORCYCLE LEATHERS (think Larry
David.)
FRED & RICK
Coakley!
82.
COAKLEY
My two favorite nutsuckers--how the
hell are ya?!
The three men hug, then Coakley nods toward Clooney.
COAKLEY CONT'D)
See who just walke ( in here in
front of me?
RICK
No, who?
COAKLEY
George Clooney.
FRED
What's he doing here?
COAKLEY
I don't know--must be shooting a
movie or something.
FRED
Huh. Look, man, we've got a
situation on our hands.
COAKLEY
Yeah, yeah, Baker filled me in.
S'been rough sledding, huh?
Coakley puts his arms around the two guys.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
Well, don't worry, my little
snickerdicks...Coakley's here.
CUT TO:
EXT. ENTER THE DRAGON NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
A mass of BEAUTIFUL GIRLS and SLICK GUYS vie for position
outside this CROWDED CLUB.
REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS Rick, Fred and Coakley watching from
across the street.
COAKLEY
I'm gonna need three-hundred bucks.
FRED
For what?
Coakley shoots him a look.
COAKLEY
If you're really serious about
this, stop questioning me.
The guys look at each other, then reluctantly COUGH UP THE
DOUGH. With money in hand, Coakley marches confidently
across the street followed by Fred and Rick. When the SLICK
BOUNCER sees them approaching, he PARTS THE CROWD.
83.
SLICK BOUNCER
Good evening, Mr. Coakley.
COAKLEY
What up, my guy?
Coakley PASSES ON THE MONEY with a handshake and the Bouncer
UNHOOKS THE VELVET ROPE. Then Coakley smiles back at Fred
and Rick.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
Push the defrost button on the
microwave, boys. The deep freeze is
over.
INT. ENTER THE DRAGON NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
Coakley leads them into the club. Rick and Fred can't
believe all the BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE around them.
COAKLEY
Okay, guys, you tried it your way
and you railed miserably. You
struck out, you were oh-for-
everything. So now we do it my way,
which is...
The guys look at Coakley like Richard Gere looks at the Dalai
Lama.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
. Go ugly early.
Rick and Fred are visibly deflated.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
Guys, you're not trying to get
married here--you're trying to get
laid.
RICK
Aren't you the guy who goes to the
Hawaiian Tropic finals every year?
Is that for the ugly girls?
COAKLEY
I go to the Tropic finals because
Miss North Dakota's gonna lose and
she's gonna need a hug. And quite
often you can parlay a hug into a
hand-job. Rick, you're up--get us
two bottles of Moet and six
glasses.
Rick shoots Fred a look, then weaves his way through a scrum
of PEOPLE up to the bar. He tries to flag down a bartender
but can't get anyone's attention.
PAIGE (O.S.)
Hi, Mr. Mills.
Rick turns to see that he's crammed in beside his babysitter
Paige who's looking a LITTLE TIPSY.
84.
RICK
Oh, hey, Paige. What are you doing
here?
She pulls out her license and holds it up.
PAIGE
I turned twenty-one yesterday.
(DRUNKEN SMILE)
I'm legal now.
RICK
Oh. Well, happy birthday. You out
celebrating?
PAIGE
Yeah, I'm here with my Aunt Meg.
Paige points across the club to AUNT MEG, a striking redhead,
early 40's, who's talking to a couple of YOUNG MEN.
PAIGE (CONT'D)
She's the best. Forty-two years old
but she still parties like she's my
age.
RICK
Nice.
Rick continues to try to get the bartender's attention.
PAIGE
So, Rick, how's the hall pass
going?
Paige smirks at Rick who shrinks a little.
PAIGE (CONT'D)
You don't mind if I call you Rick,
do you? I am officially an adult
now.
RICK
No, of course not--what did you
just say?
PAIGE
I was asking about your hall pass.
(off Rick's look)
I baby-sit for the Putneys and I
heard Gary talking about it the
other night at their barbecue.
Rick REACTS to this.
RICK
He was talking about it at a
barbecue?!
PAIGE
Oh, he wasn't saying it in a bad
way.
85
PAIGE (CONT'D)
In fact, I thought it was very
classy of you to be staying at the
Holiday Inn Express instead of
bringing girls back to your home
with all the kids' pictures and
schoolwork taped up everywhere.
Rick forces a smile.
RICK
Thank you.
A male BARTENDER, 25, finally appears in front of Rick.
RICK (CONT'D)
Yeah, um, two bottles of Moet and
six glasses please.
Paige eyes Rick as she sips her drink.
PAIGE
So does it work both ways?
RICK
What?
PAIGE
The hall pass. Does your wife get
one, too.
RICK
(AMUSED)
Uh, no, no. A hall pass is for men
only.
PAIGE
Oh. Who made that rule?
RICK
Well ...um...
As Rick thinks about this, Paige moves in tighter.
PAIGE
By the way, I kind of owe you an
apology.
(lowers her voice,
BASH
Last week ful) when you drove me home, I
shouldn't have snapped at you like
that.
RICK
Oh, don't worry about it. It was a
big misunderstanding.
PAIGE
No, it wasn't.
She takes a moment, looks around.
86.
PAIGE (CONT'D)
If you thought I was coming on to
you that night, it's because...I
was.
Rick flinches at this. Just then the Bartender returns with
the champagne. Rick fumbles through his pocket and finally
pays. Then he's left alone with Paige and her coed-in-love-
with-the-professor eyes and her suddenly heaving cleavage.
RICK
Yeah. Um...I have to go, Paige, but
it was great seeing you.
Paige grabs Rick's arm as he tries to go. She looks suddenly
annoyed.
PAIGE
Are you serious? You're doing this
again... even with a hall pass?
RICK
Paige, you're my kids' babysitter.
Have a happy birthday.
As Rick walks away, we go
BACK ON COAKLEY AND FRED as Rick arrives with the champagne.
COAKLEY
Here we go, bubbles doth floweth.
FRED
Holy crap... look who's here.
The guys turn to see the coffee girl, Leigh, walking past
with two of her GIRLFRIENDS. She sees them and LIGHTS UP.
LEIGH
Hey, Rick! What happened yesterday--
I thought we were gonna grab a
beer?
Fred looks at Rick, confused.
RICK
(SHEEPISH)
Yeah, I got a little caught up in
my curls and reps and shit.
(CHANGING SUBJECT)
So is this your playground?
LEIGH
Nah, I've never been here, but a
friend of mine's DJ-ing tonight so
I promised him I'd come.
Just then Wannabe from the coffee shop swoo s in and gives
Leigh a kiss on the cheek. He has a pair of headphones
hanging around his neck.
WANNABE
Wassup, girl?
87.
Wannabe NOTICES Rick and loses his smile.
WANNABE (CONT'D)
Oh. Hey. What are you doing here--
you auditing the place?
RICK
Actually, I work for Sirius XM
Radio--we're looking to hire some
new deejays so I'm checking out all
the clubs.
Wannabe stiffens, suddenly respectful.
WANNABE
Oh. Cool. Are you serious?
RICK
Not!
Leigh is amused by this, but she tries to hide it from the
deflated Wannabe.
WANNABE
(ANNOYED)
Oh, that's hip. Real fresh.
(turns to Leigh)
Why don't you hit the dance floor--
the next song's gonna be for you.
As Leigh's Girlfriends pull her onto the dance floor, Wannabe
returns to his deejay booth.
FRED
(GLARING)
Beer? When were you two going to
have a beer?
RICK
(GUILTY)
No, no, no, Leigh and I just belong
to the same gym and happened to be
there at the same time yesterday
afternoon.
FRED
What gym do you belong to and where
the hell was I?
COAKLEY
Well, according to Kimmy Long, you
were at the massage parlor trying
to get a rub-and-tug without
filling out the paperwork.
This takes the wind out of Fred's sails.
RICK
What?
Coakley CHUCKLES and Rick glares at Fred.
88.
RICK (CONT'D)
I thought the massage parlor was
admitting defeat?
FRED
I had a knot in my neck--why the
hell didn't you tell me you saw
Coffee Girl?!
COAKLEY
Okay, guys, cut the crap. We're all
here for the same thing. And I'll
give you a hint what that thing is:
It begins with a 'P' and ends with
an 'ussy.'
Coakley puts his arm around Fred.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
Now relax, Fredd , everyone's gonna
get taken care ot.
(looks out at crowd)
We Just gotta find you a gazelle
with a bad wheel.
FRED
Huh?
Coakley spots something.
COAKLEY
Ooh--there's a couple of
trainwrecks. Let's go.
FRED
(ALARMED)
Whoa--wait a second.
But Coakley steers Fred over to two CHUBBY, NOT-SO-ATTRACTIVE
BLONDES laying on a 'bed' in the corner.
COAKLEY
Ladies, this is my friend Fred
Pinkberry--his yogurt company just
went public and he's out
celebrating. He'd like to offer you
a flute of champagne.
The Chubby Blondes PERK UP.
CHUBBY BLONDE #1
I love Pinkberry!
As the girls make room for a reluctant Fred, we go...
BACK ACROSS THE ROOM where we see Rick watching Leigh and her
hot girlfriends DANCE. Leigh catches Rick staring. He
smiles and clumsily shoots her the PEACE SIGN. Finally, he
takes a deep breath and DANCES HIS WAY UP NEXT TO HER.
RICK
So.. .having a good time?
89.
LEIGH
Chillin'.
RICK
Me too. Just chillin' and wigglin'.
LONG BEAT as they dance. Then:
RICK (CONT'D)
I haven't been ancing in a long
time.
LEIGH
(TEASING)
I can tell.
RICK
Oh yeah? Just try to keep up.
She smiles at this, then Coakley DANCES UP BESIDE RICK and
PULLS HIM ASIDE.
COAKLEY
Abort! Abort! You stand not a
chance.
RICK
No, no, I think we're starting to
gel.
Coakley rolls his eyes.
COAKLEY
No, no, you're mistaken. Look,
dude, this ain't Operation Cock-
block here--now trust me, retreat.
Rick glances back at Leigh, torn. She looks fantastic.
RICK
Coak, I'm never gonna have another
hall pass, so this memory has to
last a lifetime. . .you know what I
mean?
Coakley looks at Leigh and SIGHS.
COAKLEY
All right, I'll be at the bar when
this thing blows up in your face.
As Rick dances back over to Leigh, we...
PAN ACROSS THE ROOM to the PISSED-OFF Wannabe watching them
from the deejay booth.
WANNABE
(INTO MIC)
All right, 'all, adult-swim's
over. Now if you was born before
1980 you're gonna want to step off
the floor 'cause we're about to
kick it up.
90.
ON RICK - he looks over at Wannabe but CONTINUES TO DANCE.
RICK
Is this guy your boyfriend or
something?
LEIGH
No, no, no.
She waves it off, then shrugs guiltily.
LEIGH (CONT'D)
One time we messed around a little.
RICK
And what does 'messed around a
little' mean these days?
LEIGH
Anal.
Rick tries hard to act nonchalant.
LEIGH (CONT'D)
I'm kidding. He kissed me one night
and I kissed back--I shouldn't
have.
WANNABE (O.S.)
Seriously, you grandpappies better
get off the floor before someone
falls and breaks a hip!
Rick points at Wannabe.
RICK
(CALLING BACK)
Just play your funky music, white
boy!
As the music shifts gears and becomes FASTER and LOUDER, we
CUT TO:
INT. BEACH COTTAGE - NIGHT
Maggie's at the sink cleaning up when she NOTICES that the
ANSWERING MACHINE LIGHT IS BLINKING. She dries her hands,
then pushes the button.
HISPANIC WOMAN'S VOICE (V.0.)
(on answering machine)
Hola, Maggie, this is Isabel. I
went to clean the house today but
nobody has been there or slept in
any of the beds this week, so I
just cleaned the windows and left
early. I hope you don't mind.
CLOSE ON a concerned-looking Maggie. She moves to the
window, stares at the lights on the ocean.
91.
RICK COLEMAN (O.S.)
Hey.
Maggie turns to see Rick Coleman standing out on her front
porch.
MAGGIE
Oh. Hey.
She goes to the screen door.
RICK COLEMAN
Thought you might want to help me
celebrate the end of the season.
He holds up a grocery bag.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
I got some good late-night eats.
Maggie hesitates a moment. Then she opens the door and lets
him in.
CUT TO:
INT. ENTER THE DRAGON NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
A bored-looking Fred is smooshed between the Chubby Blondes
on the bed.
CHUBBY BLONDE #1
It was the greys--you know, the
tall, skinny aliens--and they were
all over my yard, but--and here's
the weird thing--I wasn't at all
afraid of them so when they asked
me if I wanted to get in their
spaceship, I said, 'Sure,' and I
walked right on.
CHUBBY BLONDE #2
Oh my God, you're so brave! I would
never, ever in a million years
climb into one of those things.
Fred, would you ever just walk into
a UFO on your own?
FRED
(DEADPAN)
If they came right now I would,
sure.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD (O.S.)
There you are!
Fred looks up to see Missy Frankenfield approaching.
FRED
Oh my god! You're here!
Fred jumps off the bed and gives Missy a hug.
92
FRED (CONT'D)
Franken-berry, how the heck are
ya?!
She returns the embrace, but not quite as tight.
FRED (CONT'D)
You look incredible!
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
(CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE)
Thanks, Fred, you look good, too.
FRED
Never felt better.
Missy nods.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
I have to say, I can't believe I'm
actually here--I was on my way home
from dinner when I noticed your
text. So what's this big emergency?
FRED
Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. By 'emergency' I
just meant that there's some
important stuff I want to talk to
you about. You know, one on one, me
and you--without all the husbands
and wives and hoopla. So how are
you?
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
I'm... good.
FRED
No, I mean how-are-you. Inside.
What's happenin' in there? There
must be all sorts of emotions
churning up with the divorce and
everything.
She gives him a long look.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
Maybe we should go somewhere else--
this doesn't seem like the best
place to spill one's guts.
Just then, Coakley swoops in and pulls Fred aside.
COAKLEY
(UNDER BREATH)
What part of 'go ugly early' didn't
you understand? You've got a better
chance of winning husband-of-the-
year than tagging that chiquita.
Fred flinches at this.
FRED
But...I know her. She said she
wants to leave with me.
93.
COAKLEY
Then she's insane--run for the
hills.
FRED
Coak, the woman's going through a
divorce. She's not insane, she's
just making really poor decisions
right now.
(hands him his car keys)
Here, give Rick the keys to my mini-
van. I'm gonna go back to the hotel
with Missy.
Coakley looks back at Missy and softens.
COAKLEY
It's your funeral, princess.
BACK ON RICK AND LEIGH dancing up a storm. Rick is OUT OF
BREATH and SWEATING LIKE A PIG. His shirt is soaked and his
hair is dripping wet.
LEIGH
Are you okay--you keep checking
your pulse?
RICK
Nah, I'm fine. I had a little chest
cramp during the last song, but I
worked through it.
She smiles at this.
LEIGH
Come on, let's sit this one out. I
need a breather.
They move to the bar and Rick starts DRYING HIMSELF with a
stack of cocktail napkins.
LEIGH (CONT'D)
So what's up with the ring?
He looks at his finger, then back at her.
RICK
Um...have you ever heard of a hall
pass?
CUT TO:
EXT. BALL TEAM BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT
Grace pulls up in her Camry and gets out. She hears MUSIC
coming from inside and hesitates a BEAT before walking
nervously onto the porch and KNOCKING. A moment later Gerry
appears in the doorway.
GERRY
There she is! Come on in, I'm
mixing up some margaronis. We lost
our final game, but I got four
hits!
94.
GRACE
Oh. Great. Uh, where is everyone?
GERRY
They all went out to party--now get
in here!
But Grace stays on the porch.
GRACE
Gerry, I'm sorry but I can't stay.
GERRY
What?
Grace hasn't been in this situation in a long time and it
shows. Gerry steps out onto the porch looking concerned.
GERRY (CONT'D)
Is everything okay?
GRACE
Yeah, yeah, everything's fine,
but...
(holds up gift box)
.I can't accept this.
GERRY
Why not?
Grace does a double-take.
GRACE
Gerry, I'm a married woman.
Gerry nods at this, maybe a little hurt. She hands him the
box and he reluctantly accepts it.
GERRY
Um... I'm sorry if I made you
uncomfortable, Grace. It's just
that...I really like you.
GRACE
I like you, too, Gerry, and you
didn't make me uncomfortable.
She smiles at him and he forces a smile back, and there's
some serious eye-contact, and then BAM!
They DIVE AT EACH OTHER and start SUCKING FACE LIKE THERE'S
NO TOMORROW. As they continue to MAUL EACH OTHER, they
STUMBLE INTO THE HOUSE, and we
CUT TO:
INT. ENTER THE DRAGON NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT
Rick and Leigh are leaning against the bar.
LEIGH
So...you're married?
95
RICK
I wasn't deliberately hiding it.
He holds up his ring hand.
LEIGH
Yeah, I just thought your wife had
died or something and you were
wearing it out of respect.
RICK
(UNCOMFORTABLE)
Uh, nope. She's still hangin' in
there.
Just then, Coakley PULLS RICK ASIDE.
COAKLEY
Come on, you're not gonna close the
sale here--let's move this clambake
back to my place.
RICK
Okay, but what am I gonna do there?
COAKLEY
What do you mean, what are you
gonna do? I've got a house with
bedrooms--do the math. When it
doesn't work out with her--which it
won't--there's going to be a bunch
of other back-up chicks there.
Rick nods then turns to Leigh.
RICK
My buddy's inviting everybody back
to his crib.
LEIGH
Sounds cool.
As they walk toward the exit, we
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS - NIGHT
INT. HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS HALLWAY - NIGHT
Fred and Missy are walking down the hallway toward his room.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
I've got to be honest, Fred... I'm
not really sure what we're doing
here.
FRED
What do you mean? We're hangin',
we're connecting--that's what
friends do. Especially if they want
to take it to the next level where
they can call each other 'good
friends.'
96.
He comes to his room and starts to unlock the door.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
You're married, Fred.
FRED
Ah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Fred opens the door but Missy stays in the hall.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
What does blah-blah mean? You are
still married, right?
FRED
Happily. Look, I don't want to get
into all the details, but my wife
gave me this one-time deal where I
get to be with another woman.
He opens the door wide. She looks at him for a BEAT.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
I thought we were going to the
hotel bar?
FRED
We are. There's a mini-bar in my
room. You better hurry up, it's
last call.
Fred smiles.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
Are you out of your flippin' mind?
Fred loses the smile.
FRED
Um...
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
Are you out of your mind?!
FRED
I'm going to be honest with you--
your tone right now is scaring me.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
You call me up for the first time
in your life, claim you have some
kind of emergency, and it turns out
that you just want to screw me?!
FRED
Or not.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
Well, screw you, Fred!
She starts walking down the hallway. Fred nods, unfazed.
97.
FRED
Nail on the head!
She turns and glares at him.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
What?
FRED
What you just said--I had that
coming. Big time.
Fred hangs his head.
FRED (CONT'D)
(SOFTLY)
Seriously, Missy, I...I don't know
what's gotten into me this week. I
think I must be having some kind of
mid-life crisis or something
because I've been acting like a
real jackass.
(SIGHS
Anyway ease forgive me. I
really am very, very sorry and
ashamed.
Missy, standing a few feet away, finally calms down.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
Okay. Whatever.
FRED
Thank you.
LONG BEAT.
FRED (CONT'D)
So ... . you want to come in for
that drink?
He arches an eyebrow.
MISSY FRANKENFIELD
Fuck you, Fred!
Missy STORMS away.
FRED
(TO SELF )
'No thank you' would have sufficed.
Fred walks into his room and closes the door.
INT. RICK & FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Fred goes to the mini-bar and pours himself a drink. He
looks around the room. The week's over and he's failed
miserably. He sits on the bed. Alone.
Then a KNOCK. Fred gets up and opens the door.
98.
FRED
Hi. May I help you?
REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS Paige's Aunt Meg. She's wearing a
skirt and low-cut tank top and has cougar written all over
her.
AUNT MEG
Rick, my name's Meg. I'm your
babysitter Paige's aunt, and I just
wanted to come over here and tell
you this: They don't make men like
you anymore.
She smiles.
FRED
Oh. Well, thank you.
(BEAT)
Would you like to come in?
CUT TO:
EXT. BALL CLUB BEACH HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
A guilt-ridden Grace is just finishing GETTING DRESSED when
Gerry comes out of the bathroom buttoning up his shirt.
GERRY
Everything okay?
GRACE
Yeah. Yeah. It's just ...no,
everything's not okay.
GERRY
What?
He moves close to her and she grows uncomfortable.
GRACE
Look, you're a great cguy, Gerry,
and you're very charming and very
sweet and the last thing I wanted
to do was hurt your feelings,
but...well, what,just happened can
never happen again.
Gerry looks confused.
GERRY
Oh.
GRACE
I know it's probably hard for you
to understand but...I love my
husband.
GERRY
So? What does that have to do with
anything? Fate threw us together
and we went with it--isn't that
what life's all about?
99.
Grace looks at him, recognizing the youth and triteness of
his words.
GRACE
Not always.
(BEAT)
It wasn't fair to my husband... and
it wasn't fair to you because this
could never become anything more
than just.. .what it was.
She looks at him and shrugs apologetically. Gerry BARKS out
a LAUGH.
GERRY
I know that.
GRACE
You do?
GERRY
(BIG SMILE)
Of course I do. Jeez. I mean, no
offense, but let's face it, you're
a lot older than me.
She flinches, a little embarrassed. A quick reality check
for Grace.
GRACE
Right.
GERRY
I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm
just saying, I didn't think we were
going to start dating, you know?
Could you imagine the looks we'd
get? It'd be like Hugh Hefner and
his girlfriends--except in reverse.
Gerry CHUCKLES.
GERRY (CONT'D)
You'd be Hugh Hefner.
GRACE
Yeah, I got that part.
Gerry looks at his watch.
GERRY
Ooh, I gotta get going. We have
kind of a team meeting in like
twenty minutes.
Gerry sees Grace glance at the clock: 12:15 A.M.
GERRY CONT'D
It's, uh, kind o a tradition that
we always get together on the night
of the last game. It would probably
be uncool if I missed it.
100.
GRACE
You don't have to explain.
GERRY
Seriously, though, thanks for
everything--that was awesome.
He holds up his hand and she diligently HIGH-FIVES HIM. Then
Gerry WALKS OUT THE DOOR. Grace sits there alone for a
moment. We PUSH IN ON HER and we hear Gerry's CAR START
OUTSIDE, and when Grace STARTS TO CRY, we
CUT TO:
EXT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
This is a Tudor home in an upscale Brookline neighborhood.
We can hear 'Rage Against The Machine' BLASTING from the
street. There's thirty or so cars out front and PEOPLE are
still arriving.
INT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - SAME
The place is JAMMING. It's a nice house but under-furnished
in a bachelor pad kind of way. Rick and Leigh are in a
corner drinking beers.
LEIGH
I guess I still have a lot to get
out of my system before I do the
marriage trip. I'm one of those
people who wants to try everything
once before I die.
RICK
(BLURTING OUT)
Have you ever been with a married
guy?
Leigh pauses, but she doesn't flinch.
LEIGH
No.
RICK
Neither have I.
Rick winces, but Leigh smiles at him. It's the moment of
truth.
RICK (CONT'D)
I'd like to help you take being
with a married guy off your list of
things to do before you die.
LEIGH
You would?
RICK
Yes.
Leigh gets close.
101.
LEIGH
I don't want to be a home-wrecker.
RICK
I've got a one-time pass, remember?
LEIGH
That wasn't just a line?
RICK
No. It's for real.
Leigh seems intrigued. She moves closer still, takes his
hand.
LEIGH
So where can we go to talk some
more about this?
RICK
(NERVOUS)
Um, Coakley has a game room
upstairs. We could.. .talk there.
WANNABE (O.S.)
Leigh!
Rick and Leigh look over to see an AGITATED Wannabe forcing
his way through the crowd.
WANNABE (CONT'D)
Where have you...? Why didn't
you...? You knew this was my big
night! How could you just--?
(turns away, emotional)
Look, can I please talk to you in
private? Now.
Leigh looks apologetically at Rick.
LEIGH
Can you give me a second?
RICK
Sure.
Wannabe and Leigh walk a few feet away and Rick watches them
have an ANIMATED CONVERSATION. It appears Wannabe may even
be crying. Finally, Wannabe storms across the room but when
he gets to the door, he looks back at Leigh.
WANNABE
Well? Are you coming?
Leigh SIGHS, then approaches Rick.
LEIGH
I'm sorry, Rick. I have to go deal
with this.
Rick can't believe what's happening.
102.
RICK
Really? Now? I thought you said he
wasn't your boyfriend.
LEIGH
He's not...but he is a friend.
Leigh glances at the broken-down Wannabe standing there at
the door, then turns back to Rick.
LEIGH (CONT'D)
I'm sorry.
Before Rick can stop her, Leigh LEAVES THE PARTY with
Wannabe. After a LONG BEAT, Rick slides down into a chair,
DEVASTATED.
CUT TO:
INT. BEACH COTTAGE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Maggie is spilling her guts to Rick Coleman as he stands over
the stove MAKING PANCAKES.
MAGGIE
.And he hasn't even spent one
night in his own bed this week.
RICK COLEMAN
Let me get this straight--you gave
him his freedom and now you're mad
that he's acting free?
This logic clearly stings Maggie.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
Hey, I'm sure there's an
explanation. Maybe he took a trip
somewhere?
MAGGIE
I called his assistant--he's been
in the office almost everyday.
RICK COLEMAN
Look, Maggie, for all you know your
husband's been working at a sou
kitchen, sleeping in his car al
week, and he's only gotten laid two
or three times at most.
She looks up and forces a smile.
MAGGIE
Ha-ha.
Maggie checks her watch.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Jeez, I wonder what's taking Grace
so long?
103.
RICK COLEMAN
Well, if she went over to break the
kid's heart, the least she could do
is lend a sympathetic ear.
He flips a pancake onto a plate.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
Prepare yourself for heaven.
She reaches for the plate, but he slaps her hand away.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
Not so fast, lady. I'm not
finished. You have not lived until
you've had my steaming hot
blueberry pancakes...
He pulls a carton of vanilla ice cream out of a bag.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
.A la mode.
Maggie smiles.
MAGGIE
Oh My-lanta.
RICK COLEMAN
And to wash it all down...
Rick reaches into the bag and pulls out a DESSERT WINE. Off
Maggie's smile, we
CUT TO:
INT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
A glum Rick is walking through the PACKED PARTY when he bumps
into Baker and Hog-Head standing around a keg with a GROUP OF
GUYS.
RICK
Hey. . .what are you guys doing here?
HOG-HEAD
We're here for the hall pass.
RICK
Really? I thought you guys had
given up on us?
BAKER
We did. We're here with them.
He nods toward RICK LEARY and WILLY BOSHANE, both early 40's
and paunchy.
RICK
What are you talking about?
104.
BAKER
When Leary and Boshane heard about
your guy's hall pass, they
convinced their wives to give them
one, too.
A smiling Leary tries to HIGH-FIVE Rick, but he's having none
of it. He turns to Baker, livid.
RICK
You weren't supposed to tell anyone
about the hall pass!
LEARY
They didn't say anything. Our wives
heard about it at the pool.
RICK
No! At the pool?!
Rick rubs his face, distressed.
BOSHANE
Yep. And then about three days ago--
after some hard-core negotiating--
we managed to push the bill
through.
The guys LAUGH. Rick can hardly believe what he's spawned.
RICK
Really? So...how's it going?
BOSHANE
Solid. Very solid.
LEARY
We're building mucho momentumo.
Baker makes a JERK-OFF MOTION.
LEARY (CONT'D)
(ANNOYED)
Hey, Baker, a hall pass ain't just
about sex, you know.
BOSHANE
That's right. It's about going
bowling and, uh, staying up late,
and being able to do what you want
to do when you want to do it.
RICK
Haven't gotten laid yet, huh?
BOSHANE
(DISPIRITED)
It's a lot tougher than we thought
it would be.
Just then Gary comes around a corner.
105.
GARY
Hey, dudes, there's like ten very
bangable chicks out on the back
deck--let's go!
Leary HOLDS UP HIS BEER.
LEARY
To freedom!
The guys TAP their beer cups, then EXIT toward the back deck.
A dejected and defeated Rick watches them go, then turns and
pushes his way through the crowd to the front door. As he
OPENS THE DOOR to leave, he finds himself FACE-TO-FACE WITH
LEIGH.
LEIGH
Hey, where are you going?
RICK
What are you doing...? I thought
you'd left.
LEIGH
No. I told you, I just had to talk
him off the ledge. I calmed him
down and sent him on his way.
RICK
Oh. Uh, great.
LEIGH
So where's that game room? I
thought we were gonna play some
games.
She smiles and takes his hand and as they walk away, we go...
INT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - SECOND FLOOR - NIGHT
Rick and Leigh walk down the hall to the game room. He opens
the door and flips on the light.
THEIR POV - there's a pool table, a few pinball machines, a
bar, and a bed.
LEIGH
I'll be right back--I just have to
use the bathroom.
Rick nods, then watches as Leigh walks off and disappears
into the bathroom. He takes a DEEP BREATH. This is it.
Just then he hears O.S. LAUGHTER. Rick heads down the
hallway and pushes open a door.
COAKLEY (O.S.)
Hey.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals Coakley SITTING ALL ALONE in a small
study off the hall. He has a bowl of Cap'n Crunch on his lap
and is watching a re-run of The Andy Griffith Show.
106.
RICK
Hey. How come you're not downstairs
partying?
Coakley gives him a sad, worn-out smile.
COAKLEY
All partied out, pal.
Rick nods, understanding. Coakley LAUGHS once again at the
TV.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
Man, that Barney Fife still kills
me.
He looks back to Rick.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
Hey, I was thinking about this hall-
pass business. It's really ironic,
isn't it?
Rick glances down the hall to see if Leigh has returned.
RICK
How's that?
COAKLEY
Well think about it. There's two
kinds of guys who cheat on their
wives: The guy who does it behind
her back, and a guy like you who
has his wife's permission.
RICK
Well it's not really cheating if I
have permission.
COAKLEY
Yeah, whatever. The point is, if
you asked a hundred people who the
better CJuy is, ninety-nine of 'em
would pick you, because you're
being honest--there's no deceit
involved.
Rick is growing uncomfortable.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
But the funny thing is, the other
guy, the cheater, the bad guy, he
has to live with all that guilt and
anxiety, while his wife's running
around happy as a clam because she
doesn't know anything. And you, the
good guy, you've got no guilt at
all because you just laid it all on
your wife's shoulders.
RICK
Well I didn't really think of it
LIKE--
107.
COAKLEY
It's like she's your guilt Sherpa!
Coakley CHUCKLES and Rick deflates.
COAKLEY (CONT'D)
Funny, huh?
RICK
(WEAKLY)
Yeah.
COAKLEY
And that, my friend, is why you are
a genius.
As Rick lets this all sink in, we
CUT TO:
INT. RICK & FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Paige's Aunt Meg is sitting on the couch. Her legs are
crossed revealing a lot of skin. Fred hands her a glass of
wine and sits beside her.
FRED
Cheers.
They CLINK glasses.
AUNT MEG
Rick, I hope you don't mind me
tracking you down--Paige told me
where you were staying.
FRED
Please. Not at all.
AUNT MEG
You've been very sweet to her.
Fred waves her off.
FRED
Hey, she's a good kid. I do what I
can for the kids.
Aunt Meg moves in a little closer, squints at him sweetly.
AUNT MEG
She told me everything. And I have
to say, I was very impressed.
FRED
Hm?
AUNT MEG
I know she tried to hook-up with
you--twice in fact--and that you
set her straight both times.
Fred hadn't heard this from Rick and is a little confused.
108.
FRED
Uh...hook-up?
AUNT MEG
(SMILES)
Rick, enough with the chivalry.
Paige wanted to sleep with you and
you didn't take advantage of her.
I'm just saying that's very cool.
He shrugs modestly.
FRED
Well... she's a kid and kids get
crushes. I remember in tenth grade
I had the biggest crush on my
French teacher--thank God Mr.
LeClaire was professional enough to
only date seniors.
Meg GIGGLES.
AUNT MEG
I'm serious, it takes a certain
kind of guy to say no to a
beautiful young girl like that--
especially since you have your
wi e's permission now.
Meg shoots him a knowing smile and puts her glass down.
AUNT MEG (CONT'D)
I like that, Rick. You have morals.
She leans in and KISSES HIS NECK. Fred glances down at her
breasts.
FRED
Hey, all you have in this world is
your word.
As Aunt Meg CLIMBS ON TOP OF FRED, we
CUT TO:
INT. COAKLEY'S HOUSE - GAME ROOM - NIGHT
Rick ENTERS to find Leigh playing a pinball machine. Leigh
turns and smiles at Rick.
RICK
Leigh, I gotta split.
LEIGH
What?
RICK
(NERVOUS)
Yeah, I kind of hit a wall.
She can hardly believe her ears.
109.
LEIGH
Really? Are you feeling okay?
You're not mad because I went
outside with my friend, are you?
RICK
No, no, no. Look, I shouldn't be
doing this. I have.. .you know,
commitments.
Leigh nods at this, then unties a shoulder strap and her
DRESS FALLS TO THE FLOOR. Suddenly she's NAKED before him
and she's PERFECT.
RICK (CONT'D)
(WEAKLY)
Um, you dropped something.
For a moment nobody moves. We can almost hear Rick's heart
beat. Then Leigh STEPS CLOSER to him and Rick instinctively
leans back.
LEIGH
Relax. Don't think so much. You're
gonna have your wife for the rest
of your life, but tonight. . .you
have me.
Leigh smiles. And it's the kind of smile you only get two or
three times in your life, if you're lucky, and probably never
from a woman this beautiful.
She reaches down and UNBUCKLES HIS PANTS, then she PULLS OFF
HIS SHIRT. They stand face-to-face now, the middle-aged guy
and the young beauty, and it's happening exactly the way Rick
had hoped it would, the dream.
She presses her body against his and STARTS TO KISS HIS NECK,
her hand DISAPPEARING SOMEWHERE BELOW HIS WAIST. Then she
leans her head AGAINST HIS CHEST. As he looks down at her,
we PUSH IN on a suddenly conflicted Rick.
RICK
Nope. I can't do this.
He reaches for his shirt.
LEIGH
What are you doing?
RICK
I'm sorry.
She stares at him, confused, as he buckles his pants.
LEIGH
Your wife didn't give you a hallway
permission slip, did she?
110.
RICK
Yes, she did, but... look, you're
insanely beautiful and
pathologically sexy and every cell
in my body is telling me to dust do
this, but--
Rick points to his chest.
RICK (CONT'D)
See this area, this spot right
here? The first time Maggie and I
slept together, back in college,
she fell asleep right here. And she
left a puddle of drool. And it
didn't bother me. It actually felt
good. That's when I knew I was
going to marry her.
(BEAT)
And when my kids--Emma and Gunnar--
when they were babies, this is
where they slept. Or sometimes at
four o'clock in the morning Emma
would just lay there and stare up
at me. It was where we first got to
know each other.
(BEAT)
So I'm sorry, Leigh, but as amazing
as I think you are...I gotta go
home.
Rick shrugs apologetically.
LEIGH
Well, I think you have a screw
loose and you're probably going to
regret this for the rest of your
life, but. . .right on, man.
RICK
Um...do you want me to give you a
ride home?
LEIGH
No. It's only one-thirty--I'm going
back down to the party.
Rick raises two fingers.
RICK
Peace it.
LEIGH
R-O-C-K in the U-S-A.
As they smile at each other one last time, we
CUT TO:
INT. FRED'S MINIVAN - NIGHT
Rick is pulling away from Coakley's house when the car phone
RINGS. Rick pushes a button to ANSWER.
RICK
Hello.
MAN'S VOICE (V.0.)
(ON SPEAKERPHONE)
Yes, is this Fred Searing?
RICK
Oh, uh, no, I'm sorry, he's not
here right now. I'm using his car.
MAN'S VOICE (V.0.)
(ON SPEAKERPHONE)
Well, would you know where I could
find him? This is Sgt. Polisner of
the Massachusetts State Police.
As Rick grows alarmed, we
CUT TO:
INT. RICK & FRED'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Fred is still on the couch with Aunt Meg on the floor in
front of him. Fred's PANTS ARE DOWN TO HIS ANKLES, leaving
him with only his boxers on. Meg KISSES HIS CHEST and
STOMACH, then leans back and TAKES OFF HER TANK-TOP,
revealing EXTRA-LARGE BAZOOKAS stuffed into a slinky bra.
AUNT MEG
I'm attracted to men with
integrity.
FRED
Thanks--wow, you got great jugs.
Meg takes Fred's hand and leads him toward the bed (with his
pants still at his ankles), Fred WADDLING LIKE A PENGUIN.
AUNT MEG
Moral-guy's a tit-man, huh?
FRED
(SHRUGGING)
Well, I grew up in the midwest.
She pushes him down on the bed and Fred quickly kicks off his
pants and shoes (but keeps his boxers on.) Meg TACKLES him
and the two of them start to roll around UNDER THE COVERS.
An O.S. Fred seems to be working his way down her stomach.
AUNT MEG
Oh yes! Rick... please...I want you
to make love to me.
Just then Rick BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, out of breath. Fred and
Meg come up from under the covers. (Fred is at waist-level on
her.)
RICK
Fred, I need to talk to you!
Meg GLARES down at Fred, confused.
112.
AUNT MEG
Fred? I thought you were Rick?!
RICK
I'm Rick.
Fred cowers guiltily.
FRED
Please don't judge me.
As Aunt Meg KARATE KICKS Fred in the face, we
CUT TO:
EXT. HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
Fred, now dressed, hurries across the parking lot with Rick
on his heels. Fred has BLOOD-STAINED TISSUE stuffed up his
nose.
FRED
What did they tell you? Is Grace
gonna be okay?
RICK
All I know is she was in a car
accident and they rushed her to the
hospital.
FRED
Oh my God...
Suddenly they hear O.S. GLASS SHATTERING. They look up and
REACT.
THEIR POV - From fifty yards across the parking lot, they can
see that Fred's mini-van's windshield has just been BASHED IN
by the BAT-WIELDING Wannabe. On the side of the vehicle is
spray-painted: HORNY OLD MAN.
FRED (CONT'D)
Whoa!!! What the hell...?!
Wannabe turns to them, a CRAZED LOOK on his face.
WANNABE
How do you like me now, Splenda-
boy?
FRED
You moron, that's Lny car! His is
the one next to it!
Wannabe looks over at Rick's Avalon, PULLS OUT A KNIFE, and
quickly SLASHES TWO OF RICK'S TIRES. As Rick and Fred RUN
TOWARD HIM, Wannabe JUMPS INTO AN OLD BRONCO and PEELS OUT OF
THE PARKING LOT.
BACK ON Rick and Fred as they slow down and CATCH THEIR
BREATHS.
113.
RICK
Nice job, Fred.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
The mini-van blows by a sign that reads 'CAPE COD - 60
MILES.'
INT. MINI-VAN - SAME
The WINDSHIELD IS GONE and the wind blows back Rick and
Fred's hair as if they were on a motorcycle. Fred tries his
car phone as he drives.
FRED
Oh come on! How can a hospital not
have a live operator?!
RICK
It's four in the morning, Fred.
Fred hangs up and pounds his steering wheel.
FRED
What was I thinking?! I had a great
wife--a beautiful wife--and now I
may lose her.. .because of you.
RICK
What are you talking about?! You
said our wives were living their
dreams, with their fancy gas ovens,
and that our dream was the hall
pass! How can you blame this on
me?!
FRED
I'd never even heard of a hall pass
until you flaunted yours in my
face! 'Hey, look at me, I've got a
hall pass--everyone should have a
hall pass!' You ruined my life,
Mills!
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH COTTAGE - NIGHT
Maggie and Rick Coleman sit on the back deck DRINKING WINE.
RICK COLEMAN
This is a great place.
MAGGIE
Yeah, my family's had it since I
was a kid. We used to come for a
week a summer, then two weeks, then
a month, then by the time I got to
high school we were living here all
summer long.
114.
RICK COLEMAN
Something's wrong here, Maggie.
MAGGIE
Hm?
RICK COLEMAN
Something's wrong with a guy who
would leave a woman like you alone
for this long.
MAGGIE
(UNCOMFORTABLE)
Well, you know...I did give him a
hall pass.
RICK COLEMAN
So what? If you were my girl, I
wouldn't have taken it.
An awkward moment. Rick touches her hand and Maggie looks
away.
RICK COLEMAN (CONT'D)
You deserve way better.
MAGGIE
Uh, in Rick's defense, he didn't
really even want the hall pass. I
kind of forced it on him.
RICK COLEMAN
Why would you do that?
Maggie thinks about this.
MAGGIE
I don't know.
(BEAT)
I guess I felt like he wasn't
noticing me anymore. j guess I
wanted to feel.. .desired again. And
the truth is, in my heart, I never
thought he'd go through with it.
He brushes her hair from her face and they look into each
other's eyes. He leans in and she does, too, and right when
it looks like THEY MAY KISS, Maggie hesitates as suddenly
EVERYTHING BECOMES CLEAR TO HER.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
Oh my God...
RICK COLEMAN
What?
MAGGIE
This hall pass ...it wasn't for him.
(SOFTLY)
It was...for me.
And as they hang on that realization, we
CUT TO:
115
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
A police cruiser is parked on the highway divider.
INT. POLICE CRUISER - SAME
Two YOUNG COPS are relaxing with their coffees when the
SMASHED-UP MINI-VAN FLIES BY.
COP #1
Did you see that? He didn't have a
windshield.
Cop #2 throws the car into drive and they pull a U-ey and
GIVE CHASE.
INT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS
Fred looks regretful.
FRED
I'm sorry, man, I shouldn't have
blamed you for this. I'm the one
who dragged you into this thing.
RICK
No, you didn't. I went willingly.
FRED
I've been bad, Rick. I've been real
bad.
RICK
We've both been bad.
FRED
I've been worse. I kissed your
babysitter's aunt.
RICK
That's not so bad.
FRED
On the vagina.
RICK
Ooh.
They hear a SIREN and Rick looks back to see the cops on
their tail.
RICK (CONT'D)
Oh shit.
EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS
The battered MINI-VAN blows by the 'WELCOME TO CAPE COD'
hedges with the cop car on their tail.
INT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS
Fred isn't slowing down. He grows more determined.
116.
RICK
Pull over, man!
FRED
No way, I can out-run 'em!
RICK
No you can't--not in this thing!
EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS
We see another POLICE CRUISER FISHTAIL OUT OF A SIDE STREET
and JOIN THE CHASE.
INT. MINI-VAN - CONTINUOUS
RICK
Oh God, now there's two of 'em!
FRED
I don't care--I'm not stopping 'til
we get there!
RICK
Are you crazy?!
FRED
Yeah, I'm crazy! I'm crazy about my
wife!
EXT. CAPE COD HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Rick and Fred come SKIDDING UP to the EMERGENCY ROOM ENTRANCE
in the graffitied mini-van.
INT. POLICE CRUISER - CONTINUOUS
The two Young Cops SCREECH to a stop behind the mini-van as
the second cruiser flies up behind them.
COP #2
We're on!
The officers spring from their cars and quickly TACKLE Fred
as he runs toward the front doors. Rick climbs out of the
passenger seat with HIS HANDS RAISED.
RICK
Hear me out, gentlemen, I can
explain everything!
A BURLY OFFICER from the back-up car form-tackles Rick,
BLASTING him backwards onto the sidewalk.
Fred and Rick manage to roll away and then CRAWL THROUGH THE
FRONT ENTRANCE.
INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Our guys barely get in the door before being PUMMELED TO THE
FLOOR by the four cops. The TWO PEOPLE seated in the waiting
room STAND UP IN SHOCK and then a swarm of DOCTORS and
ORDERLIES come running in to see what the commotion is.
117.
FRED
Grace needs me!
Cop #1 PINS FRED'S HEAD TO THE FLOOR as Cop #2 lays across
his legs.
COP #1
Okay, just take it easy, buddy.
FRED
No, I won't take it easy! Look, I'm
sorry I was speeding and I
shouldn't have run from you guys,
but my wife's been in an accident
and she's in this emergency room
and I gotta see how she is
because...
(GROWS EMOTIONAL)
.THAT WOMAN'S MY WHOLE LIFE!
The cops look moved and unsure what to do.
DOCTOR
Are you the husband of...
(glances down at chart)
.Grace Searing?
Fred strains to look up.
FRED
Yes! Is she okay?!
The Doctor hesitates and the cops look at each other and then
the Burly Officer releases Rick from his head-lock.
BURLY OFFICER
All right, let him up.
The young officers get off Fred and help him up. Fred rushes
to the Doctor, who seems very serious.
FRED
Please tell me she's gonna be okay.
DOCTOR
She is. Your wife broke her nose
and she got shaken up a bit, but
all in all she's a very lucky
woman.
FRED
You got that wrong, doc. I'm the
lucky one.
Fred is visibly relieved as the doctor smiles and walks off.
FRED (CONT'D)
(CALLING OUT)
Bless you, doctor!
Fred turns to Rick and the two men hug and then Rick grabs
Fred by the shoulders and looks him in the eye.
118.
RICK
You take care of that woman, buddy,
and I'm gonna go home and take care
of mine.
Fred nods, emotional, as the cops look at each other,
unmoved. Rick starts to walk away.
FRED
Rick...
Rick stops and turns at the door.
FRED (CONT'D)
You go love that lady!
The Burly Officer rolls his eyes and steps up to Rick.
BURLY OFFICER
Uh, before you 'go love that lady',
we're going to have to write you
guys up.
As the officer pulls out his CITATION PAD, we
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH COTTAGE - NIGHT
Rick pulls up in the wrecked mini-van and gets out.
INT. BEACH COTTAGE - CONTINUOUS
Rick steps quietly into the house. He sees two empty bottles
of wine and two half-filled glasses on the coffee table.
Then he hears Maggie's O.S. VOICE coming from the bedroom.
MAGGIE (O.S.)
Oh my god...oh my god...oh my
and...
ON RICK - he looks concerned as he approaches the bedroom
door.
INT. BEACH COTTAGE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Rick ENTERS to find Maggie laying in bed... TALKING ON THE
PHONE.
MAGGIE
(INTO PHONE)
Oh my god... oh my god, you poor
thing.
Maggie looks up, shocked to see Rick.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
(INTO PHONE)
Hold on, Rick just walked in.
(TO RICK)
Grace was in a car accident!
119.
RICK
I know. She's okay.
Maggie goes back to the phone.
MAGGIE
(INTO PHONE)
And they let you go?
(BEAT)
Okay... so you're on your way?
Great.
(BEAT)
I love you, too, honey.
She hangs up.
MAGGIE CONT'D)
My God, she scared ( me to death.
RICK
March twenty-fifth, 1988.
MAGGIE
What?
RICK
The day I lost my virginity. March
25th, 1988 at approximately ten-
thirty in the evening.
Maggie thinks about this.
MAGGIE
What are you talking about? We were
dating then.
Rick nods. She looks at him, not sure if she understands.
RICK
You were my first. And you were my
last. And you were everything in
between.
As it all sinks in, Maggie STARTS TO WELL UP.
MAGGIE
Really?
RICK
Really.
MAGGIE
So...is that why you were crying
that first night?
Rick shrugs, embarrassed.
MAGGIE (CONT'D)
And I was...I was your last?
RICK
You are my only. Forever.
120.
Maggie smiles and runs into his arms. They KISS, and it's a
real kiss, the kind they haven't had in a long while.
DISSOLVE TO:
Law & Order MUSIC CUE as we SUPER:
DAY 7
EXT. BEACH COTTAGE - DAWN
The sky is lightening but the sun hasn't risen yet. A taxi-
van pulls up and Fred gets out. (Fred has a BLACK EYE.) He
helps Grace out of the van, then pays the DRIVER. (Grace has
TWO BLACK EYES and her nose is HEAVILY BANDAGED.) When the
taxi drives off, Fred helps Grace toward the house.
FRED
.And what were you doing driving
around at one o'clock in the
morning?
GRACE
(NERVOUS)
Well...I was upset so I went for a
drive--you know, to think--and I
must have hit a patch of sand, and
before I knew it I was into the
pole.
Fred stops and looks her in the eye.
FRED
I'm sorry, Grace.
GRACE
For what?
FRED
For putting you through all this.
Grace looks awash in guilt.
GRACE
It's not your fault, Fred.
FRED
Yes, it is--of course it's my
fault. This isn't you--driving
around all night, thinking--you're
not a thinker.
When she looks up at him, he forces a smile. But she doesn't
smile back.
GRACE
Look, Fred, we have to talk
about... about what happened this
week.
Fred takes a DEEP BREATH and looks around, trying to avoid
the moment.
121.
FRED
Grace. . .do we really have to do
this?
Grace lowers her head guiltily.
GRACE
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
When she looks back up, she NOTICES the SPRAY-PAINTED and
BATTERED MINI-VAN.
GRACE (CONT'D)
Horny old man?
FRED
(MATTER-OF-FACT)
Oh, no, honey, that's not me--they
were talking about Rick.
Grace looks at him, confused. Suddenly Fred falls to his
knees.
FRED (CONT'D)
Look, all you gotta know is that
whatever happened doesn't matter! I
love you and only you! And I'm
going to treat you like the queen
that you are for the rest of your
living days, so help me God! I'll
mow the lawn, I'll shovel the snow,
I'll wash the stubble off the
sink...
Grace looks down at him.
FRED (CONT'D)
.But please, I'm begging you,
sweetie... can we please just never
talk about what happened this week?
Grace's eyes flicker about, hardly believing her luck.
GRACE
Um...deal.
Fred gets up and THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND HIS WIFE.
GRACE (CONT'D)
I love you, Fred.
As they embrace, Fred sees Rick come out the front door with
his arm around Maggie. Fred shoots Rick a THUMBS-UP.
CLOSE ON RICK AND MAGGIE as they smile at Fred and Grace.
RICK
Come on, you two! We're gonna go
watch the sun come up!
122.
Hall & Oates's 'When The Morning Comes' begins to play and as
our two HAPPY COUPLES hold hands and walk off toward the
beach, we pull up, up, up, and...
FADE OUT:
THE END
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