April 14, 2010
1 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT 1
Looking incredibly weary, NICK WATERS, 30's, enters his
apartment in his business suit. He stumbles into --
2 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 2
He drops his briefcase, strips off his jacket, loosens
his tie and collapses onto the bed like a dead man. PAN
OVER TO the alarm clock which reads "1:23 AM."
MATCH CUT TO:
3 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING 3
The alarm clock now reads "4:59 AM." It switches to
"5:00" and a BLARING BUZZER goes off. Nick sits up in
bed, shuts off the buzzer and painfully forces himself
out of bed. He hurries out of the bedroom, passing the
saddest, deadest houseplant in history.
4 INT. NICK'S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 4
Nick opens his fridge to reveal a wasteland of moldy
leftover containers and crusty condiments. The orange
juice container he grabs is empty.
He opens the freezer. It contains nothing but multiple
boxes of "Jimmy Dean's Breakfast Bowl -- with Bacon!" He
pops one in the microwave, then glances over at a framed
photo of a slightly younger Nick kissing a smiling OLD
WOMAN on the cheek. The frame reads: "I Y Grandma!"
Nick sighs sadly.
5 INT. NICK'S BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER 5
Nick sits on the toilet eating his breakfast bowl with a
fork. He takes some toilet paper from the roll and wipes
his mouth with it.
6 INT. NICK'S SHOWER - MOMENTS LATER 6
Nick showers while simultaneously brushing his teeth and
shaving. He loses track and brushes his face with the
7 INT. NICK'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 7
Nick hastily grabs work clothes from his messy drawers
and closet. Clearly, no laundry has been done in a
8 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER 8
Nick hurriedly buttons his shirt, tucks it in and begins
tying his tie as the elevator reaches the lobby.
9 INT. NICK'S CAR - SHORT TIME LATER 9
As he drives to work, he dials a number and transfers it
Hey, Jenna, it's Nick.
It's five-thirty in the morning,
Yeah, sorry. This is like the
only time I have to make any
personal calls. I just wanted to
see if you felt like going out
again because I had a great time
with you on our last date.
Our last date was two weeks ago.
You haven't called me since.
I know and that's my bad. I've
been swamped at work --
Yeah, I remember. Work was all
you talked about when we went out.
Right. Well, I'm up for a
promotion which will give me a lot
more free time --
9 CONTINUED: 9
Listen, I'm actually seeing
someone. And even if I weren't,
the last thing I need is some
career-obsessed guy complaining
about work all the time. See you
She hangs up.
10 EXT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - SHORT TIME LATER 10
A soulless four-story building in a drab office park.
Nick exits his car and runs full-speed to the entrance.
11 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES LOBBY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 11
Nick bursts through the doors and looks at his watch. It
reads "6:02." He looks up at a security camera with a
flashing red light, indicating he is on tape.
12 INT. NICK'S CUBICLE - LATER 12
Nick sits at his desk inputting information from a large
PILE of documents into a spreadsheet on his computer.
The clock on his computer turns to "8:00 AM."
Nick jumps, startled. He turns to see his boss, DAVE
HARKEN, 40's, standing behind him.
See you in my office?
13 INT. HARKEN'S OFFICE - CLOSE ON A VIDEOTAPE REPLAY - 13
of the lobby security camera footage on a television.
The time code at the bottom of the screen reads "6:02."
We see Nick looking up at the camera and silently
mouthing the word "Fuck!" The image freezes and we PULL
BACK to see Harken holding the remote. Nick stands
across from him.
Here's my concern, Nick. You're a
punctual guy. You understand the
importance of getting to work on
time. So that leaves me to wonder
if there isn't something wrong
with the internal clock in our
security system. What do you
I don't know, Mr. Harken. I might
have been a minute late.
Two minutes according to this. So
either you're a liar -- which I
know you're not -- or our system
is off by a full minute. And if
that's the case, I have no choice
but to dismiss Thomas, our
longtime security coordinator.
Okay, I might have been two
There's an uncomfortable beat. Then --
So you did lie.
No, I --
Harken picks up the phone.
Who are you calling?
Thomas. I'm letting him go.
13 CONTINUED: 13
Wait! Okay, I guess I lied. But
I didn't mean to --
(hangs up phone)
Trust is everything in this
office, my friend. I know you've
been working your tail off for
that promotion, but if I can't
trust you, how can I make you
Senior VP of Sales?
I understand. You can trust me.
Now you sound like my wife.
He glances at a framed photo on his desk.
14 INSERT - PHOTO 14
of the hot, bikini-clad MRS. HARKEN, 30's, standing on a
15 BACK TO SCENE 15
`Trust me, honey.' `Trust me.'
Meanwhile, she's making love to
every guy in the neighborhood.
Oh, I'm sure she's... loyal to
How could you possibly know that?
Are you making love to my wife,
15 CONTINUED: 15
I'm just kidding around. She's
out of your league. No offense.
Harken has crossed to a credenza with several bottles of
booze, two glasses and an ice bucket. He begins to fill
a glass with ice and Scotch.
Would you like one?
You think there's something wrong
with a man enjoying a drink in the
No, no. It's fine. I'd love a
Harken hands him the drink he just poured.
Harken returns to his chair and sits.
Aren't you having one?
It's 8:15, Nick. I'm not an
Oh. Well, I only took it because
I thought you were having one.
You took a drink because you
thought I was going to have one?
15 CONTINUED: (2) 15
That doesn't exactly sound like
something a Senior VP would do.
Well, I --
What if you thought I was going to
dip my balls in honey and shaved
coconut? Would you do that too?
Of course not.
Of course not. Anyway, we've
moved up the date of the AGM so
you're gonna need to complete your
due diligence by Monday. You'll
probably need to be here all
Hey, you want a promotion, you've
gotta earn it. Life's a marathon
and you can't win a marathon
without putting a few Band-Aids on
Nick gets up to go.
Nick turns back.
That's 18-year-old Scotch. I
can't really pour it back into the
Nick, unsure of what to do, picks up the glass and gulps
15 CONTINUED: (3) 15
That should carry you till lunch,
16 EXT. DENTAL OFFICE - DAY 16
A car pulls up outside the modest building.
17 INT. STACY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 17
STACY, cute, 30's, is dropping off DALE STEVENS, 30's,
who wears the scrubs of a dental hygienist.
Boy, I have to get used to driving
with this heavy ring on. I keep
swerving to the left.
Aww. You really like it?
I love it. I feel like a queen.
18 CLOSE ON HER ENGAGEMENT DIAMOND 18
It's tiny and yellowish.
19 BACK TO SCENE 19
Well, you're my queen. I love
Have a great day at work.
They kiss. Dale exits the car.
20 EXT. DENTAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 20
Stacy drives off. Dale steels himself for what lies
ahead, then goes inside.
21 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 21
Dale enters the waiting room, passing a few PATIENTS. He
grabs a mask and goggles from a supply room, then heads
22 INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 22
Dale finds his boss, DR. JULIA HARRIS, 30's, sexy but
with something a little off, hovering over a patient, MR.
ANDERTON, 50's. Dale seems visibly uneasy.
All right, Mr. Anderton, I'm going
to give you the nitrous now and
your root canal will be over
before you know it.
Dale turns the valve on the tank and soon Mr. Anderton's
eyes roll back in his head. Julia shuts the door, picks
up a drill and begins boring into the patient's molar.
(loudly, over the
How are you today, Dale?
I'm fine. Thanks.
You get a haircut?
You ever watch that show, `Gossip
I watched it last night. I'll
tell you, lot of cuties on that
Number 7 scraper, please.
Dale hands her a tool.
22 CONTINUED: 22
Thank you. I fingered myself so
hard to Penn Badgely, I broke a
Dale sighs and looks down at the unconscious Mr.
Anderton. This obviously isn't the first time Julia has
spoken this way.
I'd let that kid put it in my ass.
Bet he's packing a plus-size
sausage under those True
(then, looking up at
I need the probe.
He hands her the tool.
Bet you're no shrimp in the cock
department either, huh, Dale?
Oh, come on. You know I like to
She lifts the patient's limp hand and cups it over her
Mr. Anderton! Bad!
She smacks the lifeless hand and cackles with laughter.
Okay, enough fun. Let's get back
to work. Water, please.
22 CONTINUED: (2) 22
Dale hands her the Water Jet tool. Julia briefly sprays
some water in the patient's mouth, then casually sprays
down Dale's crotch with it.
Sorry, I'm a squirter.
(studying his groin)
I think I can just make out our
friend. Looks like someone is
All right, Julia, listen. You
can't keep doing this.
I know, I know, you have a
She's not my girlfriend anymore.
Stacy and I got engaged last
Julia's whole demeanor changes. She becomes deadly
You're actually going to marry
that little dummy?
I thought you said she was just a
hole for your dick.
That's a horrible thing to say. I
never said that!
Mr. Anderton GROANS groggily.
22 CONTINUED: (3) 22
I'm very disappointed in you,
Shaken, Dale hands her the tool.
23 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 23
A medium-sized warehouse building in an industrial
24 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - CONTINUOUS ACTION 24
KURT GAMBLE, 30s, good-looking, sits at his desk. Unlike
Nick and Dale, Kurt seems content in his workplace. A
reasonably cute, but by no means drop-dead gorgeous, UPS
GIRL approaches his desk with a package.
Excuse me? Can you sign for this,
Whoa, whoa. Hold on. What is
This is one of those hidden camera
shows, isn't it?
What do you mean?
Come on. You're way too good-
looking to be a UPS girl. What
are you, a model? An actress?
What's gonna happen when I open
this box? Is something going to
jump out at me?
24 CONTINUED: 24
Nothing's gonna happen. I'm just
a UPS girl.
You shut up. It's true.
Well, then, I need to take you out
Because I want to be able to tell
my friends that I took out the
hottest UPS girl in America. Come
on, what do you say?
She considers this briefly, then scribbles her number on
a Post-it note.
Awesome. I'm Kurt.
Pretty name. How's Tuesday?
See you then, Myrna.
She heads off. Kurt opens his DATEBOOK and scribbles
"UPS Girl" in the Tuesday slot. We see every night of
the week is filled with appointments with other women:
"Barnes & Noble girl," "Lauren? Laura?," "Blonde Chick"
and so on.
Kurt looks up at JACK PELLIT, 70s, the kindly,
affectionate owner of the company.
24 CONTINUED: (2) 24
Hey, Jack. Yeah, just doing my
part for the women of America.
You're what we used to call a
That sounds a lot more innocent
than `sex addict.'
Walk with me, Kurt.
The two of them head toward the exit.
I wanted to talk to you about --
Last quarter's profits? I ran the
numbers. We're down by 11 percent
It's this damn recession. What
about cost-cutting measures?
Well, I know you don't want to cut
No way. These people have worked
their asses off for me. There's
no reason they should suffer.
Kurt looks at his boss with admiration. There's a lot of
love between these two.
There's also the issue of our
hazardous waste disposal. We're
paying a lot right now and the
Bolivians have come back with a
very good offer.
You know why it's good? Because
they'll dump our chemicals in
rivers, pollute water supplies and
hurt people. I've spent my life
building this company.
24 CONTINUED: (3) 24
Would you want the Pellit name to
be associated with something like
No, I wouldn't.
As they pass the unisex rest room, they see MARGIE, 30s
and clearly pregnant, looking uncomfortable as she waits
to get in.
Everything okay, Margie?
Oh hi, Mr. Pellit. Kurt. I've
just been waiting to get in there
for a while now...
Who's in there?
It's... your son.
Of course it is.
(then, knocking on
Bobby? There's someone waiting.
You almost done in there?
After a long beat, the door opens and out steps BOBBY
PELLIT, late-20s, weasely-looking, sniffing a bit too
much and rubbing his nose repeatedly. There's something
unnaturally energetic about him.
What the fuck?! A guy can't get
any privacy in this place!
It's all yours, Margie.
Margie quickly slips into the rest room and shuts the
You know, Bobby, you seem to be
spending more time in that
bathroom than at your desk these
24 CONTINUED: (4) 24
Well, then, you're fucking stupid,
Dad. Because that's clearly not
All I ask is that you do your part
around here, son.
I do my part. I do other people's
parts. But you just like to ride
my ass because I'm your son. I
don't see you screaming at --
-- dickskin here.
That's because Kurt does his work
and does it well. You could take
a lesson from him.
The only thing I'd take a lesson
from him on is being gay. And I
wouldn't take that lesson because
I don't want to be gay.
Come on, Kurt.
Kurt follows after Jack.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Jack and Kurt pass a receptionist desk and go out into --
25 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS ACTION 25
Kurt walks Jack to his Cadillac.
Tell me something, Kurt. Are you
You kidding? It's the best job in
25 CONTINUED: 25
I'm glad to hear you say that.
I'm rewriting my will tonight and
there's going to be a special
place for you in there.
He gives Kurt a hug like a doting father, then climbs
into his car. As Jack pulls out and begins driving
across the parking lot, Kurt waves. Suddenly, the car's
HORN begins to honk in a CONSTANT BLARE. Kurt lowers his
hand as the car veers off the pavement, slowly cruising
into a tree where it stops abruptly, the horn still
A bewildered Kurt runs toward the car, as we --
26 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - THAT NIGHT 26
Kurt sits at a table looking depressed.
He died instantly. They say his
heart burst in his chest like a
PAN to reveal Kurt is sitting with Dale, who looks just
Wow. Sorry, man. He was like a
dad to you.
I loved him. And I loved working
for him. And now his idiot son is
gonna be in charge. You know how
many times I've caught him doing
blow at work?
PAN FURTHER to reveal Nick sitting beside Dale.
That sucks. You were the only one
of us who didn't totally hate his
Did I tell you Harken tricked me
into having a drink at eight
o'clock this morning? The guy's
26 CONTINUED: 26
I thought he was giving you a
He is. And he's got to do it
before the General Meeting next
Well, at least your boss doesn't
sexually harass you.
I'm telling you, she's out of
control. It's a full-on hostile
She's a woman who wants to have
sex with you. How bad can it be?
Today she sprayed my crotch with
water so she could see the outline
of my wiener.
Why don't you just fuck her?
Oh yeah. Congratulations, by the
There's gotta be other dental
hygienist jobs out there.
I can't apply for another job,
Oh, right. Because you'd have to
tell them you're a child molester.
26 CONTINUED: (2) 26
He's not a child molester. He
just took his dick out in a
It was nighttime and I was peeing!
And it's bullshit that I got put
on the registered sex offender
list for that!
It worked out. Julia probably
hired you because she's a sexual
Why would they put a playground
next to a bar anyway? That's
A SEMI-CUTE GIRL walks past.
Well, I should go see if that girl
wants to bone.
Kurt groans as he pulls himself out of the booth.
I thought you were all broken up
about your boss dying.
This is how I grieve, okay?
Kurt heads off after the girl.
Man. He must be grieving all the
27 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES CONFERENCE ROOM - NEXT DAY 27
Nick sits alongside five other CO-WORKERS at a conference
table. Harken's chair at the head is empty. Nick pours
himself some water from a glass pitcher on the table.
He did say ten o'clock, right?
27 CONTINUED: 27
Yeah. Do you know what this is
It just said `staff meeting' on
Funny how he gets all over me if
I'm a minute late, but he makes us
You were two minutes late, Nick.
Nick jumps as Harken enters.
And I didn't know I had to punch a
clock with you.
You don't. Of course you don't.
I'm sorry --
I'm going to attribute this to
your drinking problem.
I don't have a --
(with a smile to the
Let's get started. Shall we?
Nick's eyes narrow. Suddenly, he grabs the heavy glass
pitcher from the table and SHATTERS IT AGAINST HARKEN'S
FACE. Shards of glass fly everywhere as Harken falls
from his chair onto the floor.
SMASH CUT TO:
28 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 28
Harken is fine. Nick is as we left him.
Okay, have we figured out our best
sales distribution plan for the
new model year handsets?
28 CONTINUED: 28
Nick's CO-WORKERS bury their heads in their notes. Nick
tensely raises his hand.
I simulated a number of sales
cycles, factoring in likely end-
users, point-of-sale limitations
and specific demographic
And in my opinion, an open plan
selling process in our top 30
markets along with targeted
upgrade offers to existing
customers promises the greatest
Harken nods. Is he impressed?
Thank you, Nick. Did everyone see
how he did that? Yes, he may be a
pathological liar and have a
crippling drinking problem, but
when the chips are down, Nick has
what it takes.
Which brings us to our next order
of business. I've decided who I
want as our new Senior VP of
Sales. He's sitting right here
Everyone turns to look at Nick.
Everyone's head snaps back to Harken.
28 CONTINUED: (2) 28
I've decided to absorb the
responsibilities of the Senior VP
position into my own. I realized
if you want something done right,
you do it yourself. So, I'm going
to be knocking down the wall
between my office and what
would've been the Senior VP's to
create a single, enormous office.
However, as a cost-cutting
measure, I will only be taking 85%
of the additional salary I'm
entitled to. It's called self-
sacrifice, people. Learn from
Harken heads out.
29 INT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 29
Nick hurries to catch up with Harken.
Mr. Harken, can I speak to you?
What is it?
You've been hinting for months
that I was in line for that
And look how hard you've worked.
So you've just been lying to me?
Not lying. Motivating. We're all
on the same team here, Nick.
We're all trying to find Lorenzo's
oil before it's too late for
little Lorenzo. Besides, I'm the
one who's taking on a lot more
29 CONTINUED: 29
(barely keeping it
Last month you kept me working so
late I didn't get to say goodbye
to Gam Gam!
My grandmother. I told you I
needed to see her but you said I'd
be fired if I left early. She
died before I could get to the
She taught me how to swim --
Oh, my God. I had no idea... that
you called your grandmother Gam
I don't mean to laugh, but that's
(off Nick's outraged
Look, Nick, I'm sorry you didn't
get to say bye-bye to Gam Gam. I
make you work late because you're
an invaluable part of this
operation. And I need you in your
I've been in that position for
eight years now. Why would I stay
here after being treated like
Because I will see to it that no
one else in our industry will hire
Anyone who interviews you will
want my letter of recommendation.
And I'm prepared to tell them that
you are a dishonest, insubordinate
29 CONTINUED: (2) 29
But that's not true! You can't do
Harken gets directly in Nick's face, speaking softly but
Let me make this clear, you weak,
little fuck. I own you. You're
my bitch. Don't make the mistake
of thinking you have free will.
Because I can crush you any time I
Settle in, friend. You're here
for the long haul.
Harken slaps him hard on the back and continues on his
way, leaving a stunned Nick.
30 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 30
Kurt somberly heads to his desk. He's wearing a dark
Yo, dickwall! What the fuck?
Kurt sees Bobby Pellit standing in the doorway of what
was Jack's office.
You're three hours late. What's
I was at your father's funeral.
Maybe that excuse would've flown
when my dad was here, but I'm in
That excuse wouldn't have made any
sense when your dad was here.
In my office. Now.
31 INT. PELLIT'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 31
Kurt enters. He notices that the "Jack Pellit" nameplate
has been partially taped over with the name "Bobby"
scribbled in magic marker.
Kurt sits. Bobby quickly slips a small mirror and rolled
up dollar bill into a drawer. Kurt sees Bobby has tossed
most of Jack's mementos, achievement awards and photos
with luminaries in the trash.
I've been looking over the books.
You're the accountant. Tell me
why this company is in the
It's not in the crapper. It's a
recession. But we're still
Bullshit. Look, I know you and my
dad were pals. Frankly, I always
thought it was weird and gay and I
never understood why my dad
thought you were so great. But it
doesn't matter now because he's in
the ground and I'm your boss. And
there's gonna be some changes
around here. First of all...
(pointing to a
What is this `EnviroTech Waste
Management' shit that we're paying
so much for?
Your father made the decision to
pay a little more to dispose of
our chemical waste responsibly.
Yeah, fuck that. We've got an
offer from Bolivia to dump the
stuff for a third the cost.
But that would endanger thousands
of local residents.
31 CONTINUED: 31
So some jungle tribesmen get
cancer. Boo friggin' hoo.
They're not tribesmen. It's a
Look, Bobby, your dad told me very
clearly he'd die before he'd save
money by hurting people.
Well then, we're right on
schedule, aren't we?
Kurt's eyes narrow. He reaches into the trash can and
grabs one of Jack's discarded ACHIEVEMENT TROPHIES and
PLUNGES its pointy end deep into Pellit's chest, impaling
him in his chair.
SMASH CUT TO:
32 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 32
Kurt sits across from an unharmed Pellit.
Oh, and we also need to trim the
fat around here.
(snapping out of it)
What do you mean?
I want you to fire the fat people.
They're slow and lazy and they
make me sad to look at. Start
with Large Marge.
ANGLE ON Margie at her desk.
Margie's not fat. She's pregnant.
I'm not firing her.
Fine. Then fire Professor Xavier
ANGLE ON a balding, middle-aged man in a wheelchair,
HANK, who sits at a desk near Margie's.
32 CONTINUED: 32
He creeps me out. Rolling around
in that weird little chair of his.
I'm not firing anyone! It's like
you don't care about this company
No shit. You think when I was a
kid I dreamed of running a fucking
chemical company? No. I dreamed
of retiring. Of being fed
tropical fruit on a beach by a
model while she blows me. And as
soon as I squeeze all the profit
out of this place, that's exactly
what I'm gonna do. So here's the
deal. You either fire the fatty
or the cripple, or I fire both of
33 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - MOMENTS LATER 33
Kurt sighs as he looks from Margie to Hank and back. At
last, he gathers his resolve and crosses to Hank's desk.
From a RESPECTFUL DISTANCE we watch as Kurt breaks the
news to Hank who reacts with sad resignation.
Kurt turns to see Pellit standing directly beside him.
(loudly, to the room)
Everyone, can I have your
attention please? I've just
learned that Kurt has fired our
dear friend Hank here. I want you
to know that I am as surprised and
angry about this as you are.
What are you -- ?!
This is entirely an accounting
department decision. My hands are
(then, to Kurt)
You are one heartless bastard,
33 CONTINUED: 33
Pellit heads off. Hank glares at Kurt.
Look, Hank, this was not my --
Fuck you, Kurt.
Hank wheels away, leaving Kurt to face the angry looks of
34 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - DAY 34
Dale, dressed for work, knocks on Julia's office door.
35 INT. JULIA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 35
You wanted to see --
He looks up to find Julia sitting at her desk in nothing
but an unbuttoned white lab coat.
Have a seat, Dale.
Do I have to?
He sits, then immediately stands again.
Look, Julia, this is ridiculous --
(holding up hand)
I know what you're going to say
and that's exactly what I want to
talk to you about.
35 CONTINUED: 35
Yes, I like to joke around at
work. And sometimes I might cross
the line a bit. But the last
thing I want to do is make you
unprofessional and I pride myself
on being a professional.
She leans back in her chair and puts her hands behind her
head revealing even more of her body.
So from now on, I want you to tell
me when and if I cross the line.
Now. Right now.
You're naked, Julia!
I'm not naked. You can't even see
Okay, right there! Just saying
`pussy' to me. That's over the
That's over the line? You're
starting to sound like a little
Again! Naked, `pussy,' `faggot.'
All over the line. And probably
Okay, let's not start talking
about illegal, Mr. Pees-on-Young-
It was an empty playground! In
the middle of the night!
Even worse. That little boy must
have been terrified.
35 CONTINUED: (2) 35
Julia stands and moves uncomfortably close to Dale. He
tries not to stare at her breasts.
Let's cut to the chase. You're
engaged now. And I respect the
institution of marriage too much
to violate it. That's why you
need to fuck me well before the
wedding. Because the closer it
gets, the less ladylike I'm going
to feel about this whole thing.
I'm not going to sleep with you,
We'll see about that.
OUT! GET OUT!
Startled, Dale hurries out of the office.
36 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - THAT NIGHT 36
Nick, Dale and Kurt sit miserably over their drinks.
They've all had a few.
I feel like a total sucker.
Harken was never planning on
That coked-out douchebag is gonna
destroy Pellit Chemicals.
She stood there with her breasts
right in my face.
Nick and Kurt turn to Dale.
You know, yours just doesn't sound
Why don't you guys quit? It's not
like you're sex offenders.
36 CONTINUED: 36
It's true. I mean, I'm young. I
could go back to school, change
In the b.g., a GUY has noticed them. He heads over.
Yeah. Why should I care about
protecting Pellit's name when his
own son doesn't? There's a
million jobs out there.
The world is your oyster.
Well, well, if it isn't the Three
Musketeers, Nick, Kurt and Dale.
Still hanging out like high
I don't believe it. Kenny Orkin!
I heard you moved to New York to
work at Lehman Brothers or
I did. Hired me right out of
So what are you doing back here?
Don't you read the papers? They
shut us down. I've been looking
for work for the last two years.
It's crazy out here. I can't even
get a job waiting tables.
You? Waiting tables? You were
voted Most Likely to Succeed.
Everyone thought you were set.
Everyone including me.
I'd murder those Lehman Brothers
if I could. Line them up, put one
bullet through their three heads.
36 CONTINUED: (2) 36
It's just not fair. I was making
high six-figures. Now I can't
even afford this drink.
(holds up glass)
Seriously, you think you guys can
help me out at all?
The three guys exchange uncomfortable looks as they reach
for their wallets.
Uh, sure. Here's a few bucks,
Okay, y'know that's not really
gonna do it for me.
I'll tell you what? What if I
give you guys handjobs? Forty
bucks. We can do it in the
bathroom right here. I'll do the
three of you for a hundred.
You're gay now?
No, I'm not gay.
They look skeptical.
I'm the opposite of gay!
They guys look at each other with eyebrows raised. Nick
Come on. Handjobs for the Three
Musketeers. Let's do this!
The BARTENDER spots Kenny and points at him.
I thought I told you to stay out
36 CONTINUED: (3) 36
Whoops. Gotta go, guys. Call me
if you change your minds. I'm at
He hurries out. There's a silent beat as the guys
process what they've just witnessed.
37 EXT. STREET - LATER 37
The three guys are walking home, all mildly buzzed.
So I guess we're just gonna be
miserable for the rest of our
What do you mean?
What options do we have? We can
quit our jobs and turn into Kenny.
Or keep our jobs and turn into
sad, ball-less losers who spend
their days dreaming of ways to
kill their bosses.
There's a beat as Nick regards Kurt.
You do that too?
Of course. Everyone does. It's
the only thing that keeps us from
going totally bat-shit.
The other day I imagined shoving
one of those jugs from the water
cooler in Harken's mouth and
making him drink until his bladder
That's so funny. I had the same
idea for Pellit.
37 CONTINUED: 37
Only using gasoline instead of
water. And his ass instead of his
You guys are sick.
What's sick about it? It's just a
way to let off steam.
Yeah, Dale. It's not like we're
actually going to kill our bosses.
They continue walking. After a beat.
You have to admit though, our
lives would be a lot better if our
bosses were dead.
Well, of course. It's the one
thing that keeps me from being
There's another beat.
Let's just consider this, for one
Killing our bosses. I'm just
being hypothetical here.
(laughing it off)
Well, it's not like they're gonna
live forever. These pieces of
shit are going to die someday.
37 CONTINUED: (2) 37
We'd just be accelerating that
Shut up, Kurt.
Yeah, shut up, Kurt.
Frankly, I don't see any reason
not to do it.
Well, first of all, killing
someone is illegal and immoral --
It may be illegal but I'm not sure
it's immoral. Sometimes one evil
person has to die for the greater
good of the community. If Bobby
Pellit has his way, hundreds,
maybe thousands of innocent
Bolivians will suffer. It would
actually be immoral not to kill
Nick begins to warm to the idea.
I didn't get to say goodbye to Gam
Gam because of Harken.
Exactly! Who knows how many other
Gam Gams have died alone.
I can't believe you guys are
actually talking about this. I
don't care how bad our bosses are.
We're not murderers.
No, we're not, Dale. We're just
trying to live our lives. But
what are we supposed to do when
someone makes it impossible for us
to live our lives? Do we just
bend over and take it up the ass
37 CONTINUED: (3) 37
No, we do not!
What you guys are talking about is
wrong and you know it.
Julia's ruining your life. That's
She's not ruining my life. If
anything's ruining my life it's
you guys and your drunk bullshit.
If it's bullshit, Dale, then how
come we all want to do it so much?
They reach the corner where they part ways.
I don't want to do it. And when
you sober up neither will you.
We're not killing anyone.
Dale heads off.
I was just being hypothetical.
Yeah, me too.
OFF their ambivalent looks --
38 INT. DENTAL OFFICE - NEXT DAY 38
Dale is organizing some equipment when a pair of woman's
hands suddenly cover his eyes.
38 CONTINUED: 38
I'm really not in the mood for
this now --
He turns and reacts as he sees it's not Julia, but his
Not in the mood for what?
For... nothing. What are you
Julia appears in her office doorway.
I invited her.
She called and said now that we're
engaged, she wanted to offer me
free dental work. And you know
I've had that loose filling for a
while. It's so sweet of you,
It's my pleasure. You're part of
the family now.
Uhhhh... I don't know if this is a
We don't want to take advantage of
Dale, there's nothing you could do
that would be taking advantage of
(then, to Stacy)
Now what do you say we pump you
full of gas?
38 CONTINUED: (2) 38
Julia leads Stacy into the exam room. Dale cuts them
Wait -- no gas. She doesn't need
to be out.
What are you talking about, Dale?
You know I'm not good with drills.
You don't want your fiancée to
suffer, do you?
OFF Dale's defeated look --
39 INT. EXAMINATION ROOM - SHORT TIME LATER 39
Stacy lies on the chair with the nitrous mask over her
nose. Julia and Dale stand beside her.
Ten, nine... eight... seh...
And she's out. Immediately, Julia pounces on Dale,
feverishly trying to unbuckle his belt.
Hey! Stop it, what are you -- ?
You're gonna give me that dong,
Stacy groans softly. Dale pushes Julia away.
I knew you only brought her in
here to mess with me.
Let's have sex on top of her.
Let's use her like a bed!
39 CONTINUED: 39
Julia begins to clamber up onto Stacy's supine body.
Dale pulls her off.
All right, that's it, Julia. This
is over. You're out of your mind.
He goes to turn off the gas but before he can --
I'll tell her you fucked me!
If you don't fuck me, I'll tell
her you fucked me.
Tell her whatever you want. She'd
never believe you.
Julia opens a nearby drawer and tosses an envelope onto
She already knows you're a sex
offender. And once she sees
these, I think she'll believe me.
What is that?
You remember your first week here
when I replaced the crown on your
I took a few snapshots of the
procedure. For my files.
Dale lunges at the envelope and pulls out the photos.
40 CLOSE ON THE PICTURES 40
-- Dale lies on the dentist chair, his eyes open and his
hands behind his head with Julia at his crotch,
apparently fellating him.
-- Julia, now nude, straddles Dale, who is naked from the
waist down on the chair. She holds one arm in the air
like a rodeo cowboy.
-- Julia is on the floor, her legs splayed while Dale
lies limply on top of her.
-- Julia is on all fours. Dale is limply draped over her
back, apparently doing her doggy-style.
41 BACK TO SCENE 41
You... you did all this while I
How did you make it look like I
Taped your eyes open.
This is rape! You raped me!
Don't get all dramatic. Your dick
wasn't hard. But it will be next
time. Or else Stacy here gets a
look at my photo album.
She holds up the packet of photos.
Now, let's repair this patient's
filling, shall we?
Dale gapes at her, dumbstruck.
42 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - THAT EVENING 42
Kurt and Nick are playing a videogame as Dale bursts
through the front door.
Let's kill the bitch.
My boss. Our bosses. They need
Nick and Kurt exchange a look.
We were drunk last night, man.
And didn't you say killing was
That was before Julia tried to
fuck me on top of my fiancée's
I say we kill them all. Are you
guys in or out?
I was in last night.
They both turn to Nick who is uncertain. Kurt spots the
photo of Nick with his GRANDMOTHER and grabs it off the
Look at her. Look at Bubby.
42 CONTINUED: 42
Look at Gam Gam. Getting a smooch
from her favorite grandson.
Little does she know that she'll
never get to say goodbye to him.
And why? Because his shithead
boss wouldn't let him leave. What
would Gam Gam want you to do?
Probably not kill him.
This isn't about Gam Gam. This is
about you. What do you want,
I want him to die.
Okay, I'm in.
All right! Let's do this.
How do we do this?
I was thinking about that on my
way over. Stacy and I watch a lot
of `Law & Order' and there's a ton
of ways criminals mess up. Things
we'd never think of. They leave
behind clothing fibers, bullet
casings, hair, skin cells --
Skin cells?! I can't even keep
track of my keys!
Exactly. And that's why we need a
What are you talking about, a
42 CONTINUED: (2) 42
You know, that's not bad. I mean,
we don't clean our own apartments,
right? We hire someone to clean
them for us.
Maybe you do, moneybags.
But where are we supposed to find
That's the only problem. I have
There's a beat. Kurt's eyes light up.
I do. Meet at my place tomorrow
after work. And make sure you're
Why would anyone follow us?
I don't know. People get
Just meet me at my place.
43 INT. KURT'S APARTMENT - NEXT EVENING 43
Kurt opens the door on Nick and Dale. The decor of
Kurt's place is best described as a middle-income
Come in. The guy should be here
Wait. You actually found
It was as easy as buying a used
43 CONTINUED: 43
He points to his computer. On the screen is a listing
Craigslist?! You found a hitman
Yup. But they don't post it as
`hitman.' That would be stupid.
They use code words, like
`liquidation,' `pest control,'
`wet work.' Check it out. This
is our guy.
Nick reads the listing.
`Skilled professional with years
of experience in domestic and
international wet work. Fast and
discreet. No children or
See? He's principled.
This is so dangerous. What if
he's a narc?
Yeah, Kurt. Call him back and
It's too late. He's on his way.
What do we do if this guy gets
here and he asks for so much money
that we can't afford him and he
gets mad and kills all of us?
I don't think he'd stay in
business long if he killed
everyone who couldn't afford him.
(looking out window)
Guys! I think this is him!
The others hurry to look. From --
44 THEIR POV 44
We see a black Mercedes SLK pull up. A distinguished-
looking MAN in a well-tailored suit steps out. He wears
sunglasses and carries a briefcase.
45 BACK TO SCENE 45
Whoa. This guy's legit.
I bet that briefcase has one of
those guns you have to screw
All right, let's just be
professional here. We don't want
to seem all giddy.
A knock at the door.
How's my hair?
It doesn't matter!
Kurt opens the door on the Man who looks even smoother up
Is one of you Kurt?
(whispering to Nick)
Oh my God, he's like James Bond!
(to the Man)
Yes, hi, I'm Kurt. Please come
Thank you. Are all three of you
participating in this?
45 CONTINUED: 45
Yes, we are.
Very well. Now before we go any
further, I need to know if there
are any hidden recording devices
in this room. I will find out if
No, no! We definitely don't want
to record this, sir.
Then let's get started.
He walks to the middle of the living room, opens his
briefcase and takes out a plastic tarp which he proceeds
to unfurl over the carpet.
Whoa, whoa. What's that for?
For the mess.
We don't want you to kill us!
Oh my God! I knew it!
Kill you? What are you talking
The guys exchange a confused look.
Your ad said you do wet work.
That's correct. I urinate on
other men for money.
Why do you think my ad was in the
`men seeking men' section?
45 CONTINUED: (2) 45
You were looking in `men seeking
Yeah! We're men seeking a man,
You are such a moron.
So you're telling me I drove all
the way to the Valley and no one
wants to be pissed on?
Please don't kill us.
I don't kill people!
Can I use your rest room? I've
stored up rather a large amount of
pee for this.
It's right through there.
The Man heads off. After a beat --
Good thing I didn't call the guy
who was offering to do `dirty
46 INT. KURT'S CAR - THAT NIGHT 46
Kurt drives. Nick is in the passenger seat. Dale in
All right, I'll take the blame for
That's big of you.
I'm going to make it up to you. I
figured out a much better way to
find a contract killer.
46 CONTINUED: 46
Kurt reaches up and pushes a button on the rear-view
mirror. A male voice comes over the speaker.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Hello, Mr. Gamble, thank you for
contacting On Star --
Oh, come on!
This is your plan?
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
-- my name is Gregory. How can I
be of service this evening?
Gregory, I need you to direct me
to the most dangerous bar in Los
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
We need to find the bar with the
most scumbags, lowlifes and
hardcore shitheads. Can you help
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
I'm afraid our listings are not
organized by danger, sir. I do
see there is a Bennigan's three
blocks from your current
Okay, Gregory? That's unhelpful.
While I'm sure there are plenty of
shitheads there, they're not the
kind of shitheads we need.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
I can direct you to the
neighborhood with the greatest
number of car-jackings in your
46 CONTINUED: (2) 46
Now we're talking.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Very good, sir. You may wish to
lock your doors.
Kurt and the others lock their doors.
47 EXT. SCARY NEIGHBORHOOD - SHORT TIME LATER 47
Kurt's car drives down a depressed-looking block.
48 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 48
The guys are still chatting with Gregory.
So, do you like living in
GREGORY (ON STAR REP)(V.O.)
It's not bad. Humid.
Now, `Gregory.' Is that your real
No, sir. My real name is
Atmanand? How did you get Gregory
`Gregory' was assigned to me by On
Why don't they let you use your
Many Americans find our real names
Actually, I do find Atmanand a
48 CONTINUED: 48
You have arrived at your
Thank you, Gregory./Thanks,
49 EXT. DIVE BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 49
Kurt's car pulls up on a grimy-looking South-Central
street and stops in front of a dingy bar. The guys get
out and look around warily.
This must be the place.
Aren't you worried about your car?
Nah, Gregory's watching it.
You really think we're gonna find
a hitman in there?
I think we're gonna have a hard
time deciding between all the
hitmen in there. Trust me, these
are the lowest of the low.
50 INT. DIVE BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 50
The three guys enter the squalid, smoky place. The room
is full of surly-looking PATRONS, none of them white.
People turn to stare.
Oh, real nice, Kurt. Way to be
This isn't a race thing. We need
a criminal and this neighborhood
is where they live. I'm not
saying that's because there are a
lot of black people here. That's
the fault of our society that
discriminates and disenfranchises
50 CONTINUED: 50
You said they were the lowest of
I was speaking socio-economically.
So what do we do now? Yell out
`anyone here kill people for
Let me handle this.
They each take a seat at the bar where a no-nonsense
BARTENDER walks over to them.
Hey. How you doing? Nice place.
Listen, does anyone here kill
people for money?
An intense-looking GUY on the next stool notices them.
The fuck did you just say?
Don't get me wrong. This isn't
about race. Our society
discriminates and disenfranchises
(head in hands)
Oh my God.
I'm a small business owner. Who
are you calling disenfranchised?
I didn't mean you in particular.
Right. You mean all black people.
50 CONTINUED: (2) 50
Maybe we should go?
You could do that. Or I could
take the aluminum baseball bat I'm
holding in my right hand and
disenfranchise your teeth from
I vote we go.
The three stand and head for the door.
Okay, we're going. I'm sorry if I
offended you. It was never my --
Oh shit, please shut up.
51 EXT. DIVE BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 51
The guys come out onto the sidewalk.
This is ridiculous. We're never
gonna find someone to do this for
COCKSUCKER JONES (O.S.)
They turn to see COCKSUCKER JONES, 30s, the guy who was
sitting next to them at the bar.
I think I can help you boys.
He gestures for them to follow him into the alley beside
the bar. Kurt and Nick move to follow.
Oh, we're just gonna follow him
into that alley?... All right.
52 INT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 52
Cocksucker Jones leans in to the three guys.
52 CONTINUED: 52
I heard you're looking for someone
to take care of some business for
Yes, we are. Are you a...
(putting out his
(unsure whether to
take his hand)
That's my name.
Your first name is Cocksucker?
And my last name's Jones. You got
a problem with that?
No, no. It's just interesting.
That's the name on your birth
Naw, man. It's a nickname. My
real name is Dean.
Oh! Like Dean Jones. The actor
from Herbie the Love Bug.
(quietly to Dale)
I don't think he knows who Dean
I know who Dean Jones is, bitch!
I can't walk around here with that
kind of faggy, cracker name.
So you chose `cocksucker'?
52 CONTINUED: (2) 52
That's right. Nobody fucks with a
cocksucker. `Cocksucker' is the
toughest name there is.
I considered Motherfucker. But in
the end, I thought Cocksucker
Jones sounded more badass than
Okay, here's the thing: we each
work for a boss that we need to
get rid of. Is that something you
might be able to help us with?
It is. Assuming you've got the
We've got cheese. How much cheese
are we talking?
For three hits? That's gonna run
you thirty large.
That's a lot of cheese.
We don't have that much cheese.
Isn't there any kind of discount
because we're buying three at
once? Like buy two, get one free.
This ain't the motherfucking Cold
Stone Creamery. It's thirty large
There's no way we can pay that.
52 CONTINUED: (3) 52
That's a lot more reasonable. And
that would be for all three,
Great. We're in.
Okay, meet me back here tomorrow
night with the cash. I'll take
care of the rest.
Should we bring the bills in any
kind of special denominations?
No, just, whatever. Small bills.
And do you want it in any
particular container, like a
Or a paper bag?
Or plastic. I read an article
that plastic is actually better
for the environment than paper.
Fuck the environment! Just put
that shit in a briefcase.
Got it. Thanks. Come on, guys.
They turn to go, when Dale turns back.
52 CONTINUED: (4) 52
Should we deduct the cost of the
I mean, assuming we don't get the
case back... We're not getting the
case back, right?
Cocksucker glares at him.
Well, that's like an extra eighty
bucks. Only seems fair that we
should take that out of your end.
We'll cover the briefcase, Dale.
Then let's get a cheap one. It
doesn't have to be real leather.
(then to Cocksucker)
Are you cool with faux -- ?
Kurt grabs Dale by the shoulder and hustles him to the
53 SERIES OF SHOTS 53
MUSIC CUE: Frank Sinatra's "(Forget Your Troubles, Come
On) Get Happy"
-- Dale, Kurt and Nick each take a turn at an ATM
machine, withdrawing the maximum amount they can.
-- Nick at his desk at work. He looks over his cubicle
wall and his eyes narrow as he sees Harken directing a
WORKMAN who stencils the words "Senior Vice President of
Sales" below where it already says "President." Another
WORKMAN uses a sledgehammer on the wall of the office.
Nick grins malevolently.
-- Kurt is at his desk in the chemical company. He looks
up to see Bobby Pellit open his office door and lead out
two obvious HOOKERS. Pellit has white powder around his
nostrils. He spots Kurt watching him and he sneers back.
Kurt smiles devilishly.
53 CONTINUED: 53
-- CLOSE ON Dale as he places tooth X-rays into plastic
contact sheets. PULL BACK to reveal Julia is licking his
neck while tweaking his nipples through his scrubs. In
contrast to earlier, Dale appears to be unfazed and
almost amused by Julia's antics.
54 EXT. ALLEY - THAT NIGHT 54
Cocksucker Jones holds an open briefcase that's empty but
for a single stack of taped together 20-dollar bills.
Looks like it's all here.
Turns out we didn't really need
the briefcase after all. Could've
just used a manila envelope.
Shut up, Dale.
So, Cocksucker, how long do you
think it'll be before you've...
taken care of business?
Here's the thing. I just got out
of doing a dime for some pretty
ugly shit and I'm still on
probation. They're watching me.
So if I step out of line, I go
right back inside.
You told us you could take care of
And I'm gonna. I'm gonna be your
professional advisor. Think of me
as your murder consultant.
We don't want a murder consultant.
We want a murderer.
I knew we were getting ripped off!
Okay, look. This isn't what we
54 CONTINUED: 54
Can we just get our money back,
please? Then we'll be on our way.
Sorry, no refunds.
That's five thousand dollars. You
think we're just gonna walk away
and let you keep that?
(getting in his face)
I think you're forgetting who
you're talking to.
Cocksucker pulls back the lower edge of his jacket to
reveal what appears to be the holster of a gun.
Whoa, whoa! We don't want any
Now either I give you the advice
you paid for, or you can walk away
with nothing. Up to you.
Look, the whole reason we came to
you is because we don't have the
experience to do it ourselves.
Most killers are first-timers.
Look, the key to a good murder is
making it look like an accident.
Gas leak, brakes failing, suicide,
that sort of thing. If you do it
right, you won't even have to be
there when it goes down.
That makes sense. But how would
we fake three accidents?
You need to stalk your prey, track
their movements, get to know them
inside and out. Where do they go?
What do they eat for breakfast?
Who're they fucking?
54 CONTINUED: (2) 54
You're talking about surveillance
But making it look like an
accident won't be enough if the
pigs can pin a motive on you.
Well, we all have obvious motives
for killing our bosses.
So why don't you kill each other's
Hey, that's a good idea. Like
Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train.
The Danny DeVito movie?
Yes, the famous Alfred
Hitchcock/Danny DeVito movie.
You're thinking of Throw Mama from
the Train. But it's actually the
same idea. If we kill each
other's bosses there's no link to
That's pretty good.
That's what you're paying me for.
Now ain't that worth five grand?
The guys all AD LIB "no's."
Yeah, well, too fucking bad.
55 INT. NICK'S CUBICLE - NEXT EVENING 55
Nick is poring over a stack of documents when his phone
56 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 56
Kurt and Dale wait in the car outside of Nick's office.
We're outside. You ready for a
Yeah. I just need to get Harken
to let me leave early.
What's the difference? He's not
going to be your boss much longer.
If I get fired before we kill
Harken, this'll all have been for
nothing. I'll just be an out-of-
I'll be down in three minutes.
He hangs up then peers over his cubicle wall to see
Harken talking to another EMPLOYEE nearby. Nick takes a
breath, leans over his garbage pail and sticks a
Commtronix pen down his throat. At the sound of Nick's
loud WRETCHING, Harken looks over to see him puking into
the trash pail.
What in God's name...?!
Sorry, sir. I've been fighting
this bug all day. I'll just get
back to work --
Nick wipes his mouth and turns pathetically back to his
No. Go home. I don't want you
getting everyone else sick.
Oh, okay. Thank you, Mr. Harken.
Nick grabs his jacket and moves to go.
56 CONTINUED: 56
Wait. Take your work with you.
Have it on my desk at six AM.
Nick barely conceals his contempt as he picks up the
stack of papers and heads out.
57 EXT. BOBBY PELLIT'S STREET - NEXT DAY 57
Kurt's car pulls up slowly and parks. Kurt, Dale and
Nick slump down in their seats.
58 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 58
Okay, boys, as soon as Pellit
makes a move, we tail him. It is
Oh, it's on.
They watch the house with steely determination.
59 INT. KURT'S CAR - ONE HOUR LATER 59
The guys are bored out of their minds, barely awake.
Dale nibbles on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a
Ugghhhhh, I can't believe how much
I don't get it. On TV,
surveillance always looks so
great. They've got their cups of
coffee. Their sunflower seeds.
They talk about their lives.
59 CONTINUED: 59
And then, right when they reveal
something really intimate, the
perp appears and they spring into
A long, silent pause as they watch the house...
Are we even sure he's home?
They exchange looks.
(opening his door)
Let's go check it out.
They get out of the car. Dale pockets his sandwich.
60 EXT. PELLIT'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 60
The three guys creep around Pellit's patio, peeking in
doors and windows. Finally:
I don't see him.
Kurt is about to try a window when Dale stops him.
What are you doing?
We're not gonna get intel standing
on his lawn. We have to go in.
What about fingerprints? We don't
Here, do this.
Kurt pulls his shirt sleeves down over his hands. Dale
does the same. Nick, who wears a T-shirt, tucks his
hands inside the bottom of the shirt. With some
difficulty, Kurt slides open the window.
Here we go.
The three of them manage to wriggle through the window.
It's not graceful: Dale's foot gets caught on the sill,
causing him to tumble on top of Nick and Kurt. At last,
all three are inside.
61 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 61
Dale, keep an eye out. Let us
know if Pellit's coming.
Got it. Wait, I don't know what
he looks like.
It doesn't matter. Just tell us
if anyone comes.
They take in Pellit's living room. There's a leather
sofa, a 60-inch plasma and enormous speakers. On the
wall are framed Ed Hardy posters depicting dragons and
Wow. This guy's a bigger
douchebag than me.
Okay, let's split up. Look for
any intel we can use on him.
What kind of intel?
I don't know. I guess we'll know
it when we see it.
Kurt heads upstairs while Dale and Nick look around the
Hey, Nick? Does this count as
Nick looks over to see Dale holding in his sleeve-covered
hands an open wooden box filled with white powder.
Holy shit, that's a lot of blow.
God, this must be worth, like, ten
thousand -- oh shit!
61 CONTINUED: 61
Suddenly, the box slips out of Dale's hands. It hits the
floor, sending a cascade of cocaine all over the rug.
What the fuck?!!
Sorry, my sleeves were slippery!
We've got to get that back in the
I've got it.
He kneels and begins trying to scoop up the coke in his
hands. It's an impossible task.
62 INT. PELLIT'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME 62
Kurt looks around the room. He doesn't see anything
useful so he heads into --
63 INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 63
He flips on the light. His eyes land on Pellit's
toothbrush. He grins slyly.
64 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 64
Dale is still on his knees, scooping up coke, as Nick
returns from the kitchen cradling a Dustbuster in his T-
Look out. Let me try this.
Struggling with his hands in his T-shirt, Nick vacuums up
the cocaine from the rug. When he's finished, he pops
open the vacuum's waste receptacle and dumps the contents
back in the wooden box.
65 CLOSE ON THE BOX 65
Which is now filled not only with cocaine, but bits of
hair, dust bunnies, food and other crap.
66 BACK TO SCENE 66
I guess we should've emptied the
Dustbuster before we used it.
67 INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - SAME TIME 67
Just BELOW FRAME, Kurt removes Pellit's toothbrush from
his ass and returns it to its holder, careful to keep his
hands covered with his sleeves.
He's about to go when he notices a bar of Neutrogena face
soap beside the sink. He looks around deviously.
68 INT. PELLIT'S LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER 68
Dale and Nick are doing their best to pick the crap out
of Pellit's cocaine.
Hey look, there's a piece of
cereal in here. Can't tell if
that's a corn flake or a frosted
Kurt comes down the stairs.
Okay, my work upstairs is done.
You guys ready to split?
69 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 69
Kurt pulls away from the curb.
We need to be better prepared.
That was totally dangerous and a
complete waste of time.
Not a complete waste.
He pulls a BlackBerry out of his pocket.
Oh no... don't tell me...
69 CONTINUED: 69
You stole that from Pellit's
It's got his calendar and his
contacts. This is what recon's
Nobody said we'd be stealing.
Shall we pay a little visit to
your boss, Nick?
I guess so. But let's make a stop
70 EXT. RITE-AID PHARMACY - MINUTES LATER 70
Nick emerges from the store with a plastic bag and gets
into Kurt's car.
71 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 71
What did you need to get?
Nick holds up a box of latex gloves.
No more sleeve gloves.
Oh man, you should've asked me.
I've got a whole box of those in
my bedside table.
(off their grossed-
Don't judge me.
Take a right up here. Harken's
place is about a mile away.
They drive for a beat. Then --
71 CONTINUED: 71
Y'know... this is kinda, I don't
(a little smile)
I guess we're really doing this
I guess so.
72 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - SHORT TIME LATER 72
A two-story house with a tidy yard. Kurt's car pulls up.
73 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 73
Kurt and Nick begin pulling on their gloves.
Can I have a pair?
You know, last time with the three
of us, it got a little... messy.
What if Kurt and I go in and you
stay here and watch out for
Okay -- again, I don't know what
he looks like.
If anyone approaches the house,
assume it's him and give us a
Fine. I'll honk the horn six
Maybe something a little more
73 CONTINUED: 73
Honk the horn four times?
How about you just honk once?
People honk once all the time.
You'll be running in and out of
Fine. Honk twice.
Nick and Kurt get out of the car. After a beat, Dale
remembers his sandwich and pulls it out of his pocket.
74 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER 74
Kurt and Nick sneak up to the front porch which is
camouflaged by shrubs. They peek inside.
Looks like the coast is clear.
Kurt tries the windows. They're locked.
Damn. Guess we'll have to break
in the old-fashioned way.
Kurt looks around and spots a small rock beside the
porch. He picks it up and winds back to throw it at the
But it's too late. Kurt has released the rock. It HITS
the window, but instead of breaking the glass, the rock
itself BREAKS into two pieces.
Holy shit. I broke the rock.
No, it's one of those hide-a-key
74 CONTINUED: 74
Nick shows Kurt a key concealed in one half of the fake
rock. He grabs it and inserts it into the front door
75 INT. HARKEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 75
The guys tiptoe in, whispering and tense. The place is
tastefully decorated with attractive furniture and modern
art. There is a vase of flowers on a table.
Wow. This is not how I pictured
For all we know, he's got a closet
full of skin suits.
A CAT springs out of nowhere, startling them, then runs
Let's check upstairs.
They head up.
76 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 76
Dale is finishing the last of his peanut butter sandwich.
He checks the rearview mirror. No sign of anyone.
(singing a la Cher,
`Do you believe in love after
love/I can feel something inside
me say/I really don't think you're
strong enough now...'
77 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 77
Just as Kurt and Nick enter, the cat suddenly jumps out
from behind the door, startling them again.
77 CONTINUED: 77
God damn it! How many cats do
I think that was the same one.
Kurt notices a framed wedding photo on the dresser of
Harken and Mrs. Harken.
Damn. That's Mrs. Harken? I'd
like to cover her in cock yogurt.
You want to cover every woman
in... did you say `cock yogurt'?
Yet again, Kurt and Nick jump as the cat LEAPS out of
hiding with a YOWL then runs off.
If he's so scared of us, why
doesn't he just leave us alone?!
78 INT. KURT'S CAR - SAME TIME 78
Dale plays a bowling game on his cell phone.
C'mon, c'mon... yes!
A breeze blows through the open windows of the car,
catching the plastic bag from Dale's sandwich and
carrying it out the window.
79 EXT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 79
Just then, Harken, in running attire, comes jogging up
the street. His eye is caught by the plastic bag falling
from the car window onto the street. He stops and
angrily picks up the bag.
79 CONTINUED: 79
Dale, surprised, turns to the window.
You want to tell me why you're
littering on my street?
Oh, I'm sorry, that blew out the
window. I wasn't littering.
I don't care if it blew out of
your twat. Now, get your fucking
Chevy Cavalier the hell off my
Whoa. Sir, there's no need to be
Hostile? You want to see hostile?
How about I go in the house and
get my --
Suddenly, Harken begins to choke and his face grows
Get your what?
With one hand Harken grabs his throat and with the other
he looks at the plastic bag he's holding.
Huh? Oh, yeah. It was a peanut
Harken collapses to his knees. His face is turning blue
now. Dale quickly steps out of the car.
Oh god! What should I do?! Tell
me what to do!
79 CONTINUED: (2) 79
Harken yanks up the right leg of his jogging pants
revealing an EPI-PEN strapped to his ankle. He reaches
for it, but Dale moves faster.
What do I do with this? Should I
Harken nods urgently as his eyes begin to roll back.
Okay, hold on! I got this.
Dale takes the cap off the epi-pen, raises his arm and
jams the needle into Harken's chest. Harken lets out a
Did I do it? Did I get enough
in?! I'm gonna do it again!
Dale raises his arm again.
80 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 80
Nick continues to search around the bedroom. Kurt is by
Do you see a Day Runner or an
(glances out the
What the...? Dude, check this
Nick joins him at the window and they both react as they
see what appears to be Dale repeatedly STABBING Harken in
the chest, neck and arms. Harken lies motionless on the
That's Harken! Dale's killing
Holy shit! He's really doing it!
Out where everyone can see him.
80 CONTINUED: 80
What the hell is he thinking?!
He's not stopping. He's gonna get
us all caught. We've gotta get
out of here.
What about Dale?
He's a psychopath. We leave him
Right. Let's go through the back!
As they hurry to leave the room, Kurt stumbles over the
CAT which has appeared yet again. Unseen by either of
them, PELLIT'S BLACKBERRY SLIPS out of his pocket and
lands on the floor at the foot of Harken's bed.
81 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 81
As Dale kneels over Harken to check his breathing, a car
pulls up alongside and MRS. HARKEN steps out. Seeing her
husband on the ground, she rushes over.
Oh my god! What happened?!
He had an allergic reaction. But
I think he's coming around. Do
you know him?
He's my husband.
Mrs. Harken kneels beside Harken and supports his head.
Honey? Can you hear me?
Harken groggily looks down at his torso which is
perforated by dozens of tiny needle marks.
(groggy, to Dale)
Wha-- What did you do to me?
I injected you with your thing.
81 CONTINUED: 81
He saved your life, honey.
Thank you so much!
She grabs Dale in a warm hug.
Oh, it was nothing.
(to Mrs. Harken)
What's this? What's with the
I'm just thankful that he was
I'll bet you are. Do you know
No. We just --
Are you fucking him, Rhonda?
Oh, come on.
What were you doing out here,
anyway? Waiting to fuck my wife?
I've never met your wife --
Still a bit woozy, Harken gets to his feet and points at
You need to get the hell out of
Dave, stop it. You should be
thanking him. Why are you being
81 CONTINUED: (2) 81
Why? Because I know you sleep
around on me. And I'm going to
find out who it is.
You're being ridiculous.
Am I? What about Maurilio? I see
the way you look at him.
I am not having sex with the
As Harken and his wife continue to bicker, Dale quietly
retreats to Kurt's car.
82 INT. NICK'S APARTMENT - LATER 82
Nick and Kurt pace nervously.
I can't believe that idiot Dale.
You realize we're all going to
jail because of him.
I can't go to jail. Look at these
eyes. Look at this ass. They'll
be all over me.
Yeah, me too.
What do you mean `well'? I'd get
raped just as much as you.
No, of course you would. You're a
You think you're more rape-able
than I am.
82 CONTINUED: 82
I never said that --
Oh good. You guys are here. Did
you see me out there?
Yeah, Dale, we saw you.
Pretty neat, huh?
No, it wasn't neat! You stabbed
Harken to death in front of the
Not cool, man.
Wait, that was Harken?
Who'd you think you were stabbing?
I wasn't stabbing anybody. That
was an epi-pen. He was having an
allergic reaction to peanuts and I
Kurt and Nick digest this for a beat.
So let me understand this. My
boss, who we are trying to kill,
was dying in front of you and you
saved his life?
Not cool, man.
Wait, you were just mad at me for
killing him and now you're mad at
me for not killing him?!
See, this is why I needed to know
what these people look like!
82 CONTINUED: (2) 82
Hang on a sec. Maybe this recon
wasn't a waste of time. Now we
know Harken's deathly allergic to
peanuts and Pellit has a huge
stash of cocaine.
We could put peanuts in Harken's
house and rat poison in Pellit's
Everyone would assume that Pellit
just got a batch of tainted drugs.
But Harken must always have that
epi-pen on him.
They consider this for a beat.
I bet he doesn't wear it in the
shower. We could put peanuts in
Perfect! Two fatal accidents.
And we're not even there when they
That just leaves Julia.
Tomorrow night, I'll surveil her
and figure out how to take her
Good. I'll get some rat poison
and take care of Pellit. Dale,
think you can get some peanuts
into Harken's shampoo?
I can do that.
All right. That just leaves us
with one final thing to settle.
82 CONTINUED: (3) 82
Dale, if Nick and I were in
prison, which one of us would get
OFF Dale's confusion and Nick's annoyance --
83 EXT. PELLIT'S STREET - NEXT NIGHT 83
Nick sits in his parked car watching the house through
84 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 84
Through an upstairs window, he sees Pellit enter his
bedroom. Nick checks his coat pocket and confirms it
contains a Home Depot bag with rat poison inside. Nick
dials his cell phone.
85 EXT. JULIA'S CONDO - SAME TIME 85
Kurt sits in his car, reading Maxim magazine. Julia's
car pulls up. She gets out, goes to the trunk, opens it,
then bends down to get a bag of groceries. Nick watches
her ass appreciatively as she does and keeps watching as
she heads into her building.
SFX: His cell phone rings.
Hey. Have you learned anything
about Julia yet?
Well, I've learned that Dale is a
homosexual because this chick is
unbelievably hot. How's it going
I'm just waiting for Pellit to go
to sleep. I wonder how Dale's
doing with Harken.
86 EXT. HARKEN'S STREET - SAME TIME 86
Dale's car is parked.
87 INT. DALE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 87
Dale watches the movie Precious on his laptop. He
glances over to see Harken turn on the light in his
bedroom. On the seat beside Dale, we see a large jar of
88 INT. HARKEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 88
Harken looks around suspiciously, then goes to Mrs.
Harken's closet. He opens it and begins looking through
her clothing. He sniffs one of her dresses and his eyes
narrow. He sniffs himself, then compares it to the smell
of the dress. Unsatisfied, he continues searching around
the room for any incriminating evidence. Suddenly, his
foot comes in contact with something on the floor. He
reaches down and picks up...
He turns it on and scrolls down the contacts list to
"HOME" which shows Bobby Pellit's name and address.
Harken's face turns beet red.
89 INT. DALE'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER 89
Dale ducks down as he sees Harken's garage door opening.
Harken's Porsche 911 pulls out and zooms up the street.
Still scooched down, Dale dials his phone.
90 INT. NICK'S CAR - SAME TIME 90
Nick watches Pellit performing a series of sweaty KUNG FU
MOVES in a full-length mirror.
Jesus, where does he get the
CELL PHONE RINGS.
What's up, Dale?
90 CONTINUED: 90
Harken just left his house. I'm
Good luck, man.
91 INT. HARKEN'S BATHROOM - MINUTES LATER 91
Dale flips on the light and enters clutching the peanut
jar in his gloved hands. He slides open the shower
curtain and Harken's CAT LEAPS OUT at him.
He regains his composure and finds a bottle of men's
shampoo. As he nervously removes the cap from the
shampoo and the lid from the peanuts, he notices that MR.
PEANUT is STARING right at him. Despite his jaunty top
hat and little monocle, there is something almost
accusing in his look. Dale stares back at Mr. Peanut as
we see his resolve soften.
92 INT. NICK'S CAR - SAME TIME 92
Nick watches as Pellit finally gets into bed and turns
off his bedside lamp.
Okay. Here we go.
Nick reaches for the door handle as --
SFX: Nick's cell phone rings. Nick jumps, then answers
93 INT. HARKEN'S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 93
93 CONTINUED: 93
I'm not sure if I can do this.
Where are you?
In Harken's bathroom. About to
pour the nuts in his shampoo.
But, I just... I know he's a real
shithead, but he's still a person,
Lights appear in Nick's rearview mirror.
(looking down at the
Yeah. I know.
Harken's Porsche pulls up and stops just behind Nick's
car. Harken gets out and heads toward Pellit's front
What should I do? Should I do it?
Suddenly, Nick looks up to see HARKEN knocking on
Pellit's door. In the bedroom, Pellit's light goes on.
What the fuck?!
It's Harken. He's here!
At Pellit's?! Why?!
I don't know. He's knocking on
How would Harken even know Pellit?
94 EXT. PELLIT'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 94
Looking irritated, Pellit answers the door. Before he
can get a word out...
... Harken removes a gun from his pocket and SHOOTS
Pellit twice in the chest.
95 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 95
Nick reacts, slumping down in his seat, horrified.
Oh my god oh my god oh my god...
What? What? What?!
He shot him. Harken shot Pellit!
Oh my god. Is he dead?!
With shaking hands, Nick reaches for his ignition but
knocks the car keys out. They fall onto the floor of the
As Nick bends down to find his keys, Harken's shadow
looms over him. Nick cowers just out of sight.
96 EXT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 96
Harken looks around. Did he hear something? No. He
calmly but briskly walks away from Nick's car, gets into
his own and speeds off.
97 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 97
97 CONTINUED: 97
What about Pellit?
He's not moving. He looks dead.
Shit! What do we do?!
I've got to get out of here before
someone sees me! Meet me at the
bar. I'll call Kurt.
Nick ZOOMS away from the curb.
98 EXT. STREET CORNER - MOMENTS LATER 98
Nick's car SPEEDS through a red light at an intersection.
A TRAFFIC CAMERA FLASHES as it snaps Nick's photo and
99 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 99
With trembling hands, Nick and Dale take deep gulps of
their drinks. Kurt hurries in, looking disheveled. The
ensuing conversation is conducted in tense whispers.
Okay, let's all stay calm and
figure this out.
Calm? How can we be calm? I
watched a man die an hour ago!
A man you were going to kill
I don't know if I had it in me.
99 CONTINUED: 99
I can't believe you guys! You
can't just bail on a plan like
that at the last minute.
You think when it came down to it,
you would've been able to murder
I don't know. I mean, afterwards,
it was kind of hard to imagine
Nick and Dale turn to him, quizzically.
Kurt realizes what he said.
You slept with her, didn't you?
Oh god. Please tell me you didn't
sleep with her.
Kurt lowers his head.
You are a mess.
I know, I know. But it's not my
100 FLASHBACK - EXT. JULIA'S HOUSE - NIGHT 100
Kurt's car is parked across the street.
At first I was surveilling her
just like I was supposed to...
101 INT. KURT'S CAR - NIGHT 101
Kurt watches through her bedroom window as Julia
Then she started deliberately
undressing in front of the window.
With the lights on. She must've
known I was there.
As Julia removes her bra, we see Kurt's face pressed
against his car window, his breath fogging it up.
102 INT. KURT'S CAR - LATER 102
Julia enters her bedroom with a tray of food. She wears
a skimpy kimono-style robe. She sits on her bed and
unwraps a Popsicle.
Then she made herself a little
snack. A Popsicle...
We see Julia eat the Popsicle as suggestively as humanly
possible. Then she picks up a banana and peels it.
... then a banana....
Julia eases the whole banana into her mouth. Then she
picks up a hot dog.
... and finally a hot dog. I
mean, three penis-shaped foods
cannot be coincidence. And in
that weird order? That's not a
103 EXT. JULIA'S HOUSE - SHORT TIME LATER 103
So you took that as an invitation
to fuck her?
Julia opens her front door, stares straight at Kurt and
beckons him inside with one finger. She walks back
inside, leaving the door wide open.
No. I took her invitation to fuck
her as an invitation to fuck her.
103 CONTINUED: 103
Kurt opens his car door so quickly he tumbles out
headfirst, planting his face on the street. He jumps up,
but one ankle is tangled in the seatbelt. He finally
extricates himself and hurries to the house as fast as he
104 INT. BRADFORD'S BAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION (PRESENT) 104
There is something clinically
wrong with you.
I know. I'm a rapscallion.
You're not a rapscallion. You're
a whore. A filthy whore.
Hey. Not nice. And besides, I
think I actually solved your
problem, Dale. Julia just needed
a good fucking. I bet she's not
going to mess with you anymore.
Whatever. We have bigger fish to
fry right now. What do we do
Here's what we do. We call the
cops and make an anonymous tip
that Harken killed Pellit. Boom.
Harken's in jail. Pellit's in
hell. Julia's had the crazy
fucked out of her. Our problems
are solved. Boom.
Okay, but we should find a
payphone. We don't want them
tracing the call to us.
105 EXT. BRADFORD'S BAR - MINUTES LATER 105
Nick, Kurt and Dale emerge from the bar.
Come on, we'll take my car.
The three of them climb into Nick's car.
106 INT. NICK'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 106
Before Nick can even pull out of his parking spot, they
hear the WHOOP of a police siren and see the flashing
lights of a SQUAD CAR behind them. The guys' faces go
What the hell?
Nick unrolls his window as one COP approaches his side
and his PARTNER comes up on the other.
Are you the owner of this vehicle?
Uh, yes. Is there something
We've got an APB on a black Kia
Spectra, license 4HIG208.
Can I ask why?
A traffic cam caught this vehicle
fleeing the scene of a crime
tonight. I'm going to need you to
follow us to the station.
Officer? This is not my car. Is
it okay if I just -- ?
All three of you, please.
Nick glares at Kurt as the cops head back to their car.
107 INT. POLICE STATION - LATER 107
Kurt, Nick and Dale sit in a waiting area looking equal
parts terrified and pissed at each other. Throughout the
following, they speak in hushed voices.
They know everything. We're dead.
I can't believe I let you guys
talk me into this!
107 CONTINUED: 107
Oh, please. We were just being
hypothetical. You're the one who
pushed us to do it.
We can't even say anything about
Uh, well, Kurt, being outside the
murder victim's house because I
was planning to murder him
probably isn't the best alibi in
You know, I didn't actually do
anything illegal, so...
You broke into two people's houses
and stole a BlackBerry!
You gonna rat on me, Dale?
Well, since I'm the only one
without a connection to the
murder, yeah, maybe I will.
That means you'd also rat on me.
Not if I rat on Dale first.
Just then, a burly detective, HAGAN, appears behind them.
Gentlemen, this way, please.
The guys glare angrily at each other as they follow
108 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - MINUTES LATER 108
Nick, Dale and Kurt sit on metal chairs across a table
from Hagan and his equally burly partner, SAMSON. Hagan
slides a PHOTO across the table to Nick.
109 CLOSE ON A BLACK AND WHITE IMAGE OF NICK 109
taken by the traffic camera. His terrified face is
clear, as is the time stamp at the bottom.
110 BACK TO SCENE 110
Do you want to explain why you
were driving 61 in a 25 zone, a
block from the victim's house two
minutes after he was shot to
I... was drag racing.
(off their skeptical
I am a drag racer. There's no law
against that, is there?
Actually there is.
You were drag racing in a Kia
I don't win a lot.
Here's what I don't understand.
You're at the crime scene. An
hour later when we find your car,
you just happen to be hanging out
with this guy...
(gestures to Dale)
... a registered sex offender --
... and this guy...
(gestures at Kurt and
holds up a wallet)
... whose employee ID says he
works for Pellit Chemicals, the
110 CONTINUED: 110
Wait. My boss was murdered?!
You want me to get you a Kleenex?
I can't believe this.
What were you doing near his
Nick looks at him, pissed.
Where were you during the murder?
I was making love.
(to the cops)
Let me ask you something,
Detective. Let's say one of us
knew who the shooter was and was
willing to hand you that perp on a
platter. Would he be entitled to
some sort of immunity for that
Both Dale and Nick shoot daggers at him.
No. But he would be entitled to
some sort of jail time. Because
if he knew who the shooter was and
didn't tell us, that would be
obstruction of justice.
Well, then I'm glad we have no
idea who the shooter is, right,
110 CONTINUED: (2) 110
If you expect us to believe this
is all just a big coincidence,
we're going to be here for a long
Now it's Kurt and Nick who look nervous. Is Dale about
Saying that we'll be here for a
long time implies that we can't
leave. Does that mean we're under
Samson looks to Hagan who grimaces.
No. We just brought you in for
So, you don't have evidence
constituting probable cause to
Well then, we're free to go?
Dale nervously stands up, half expecting to be hit.
Come on, guys.
Kurt and Nick, impressed and relieved, stand and head
111 INT. POLICE STATION - CONTINUOUS ACTION 111
The three guys head for the exit.
111 CONTINUED: 111
Nice work. Where'd that come
`Law & Order.'
We really showed those guys.
`We'? You were gonna turn us in!
For, like, a second.
The guys turn to see Samson holding out a traffic
(handing it to Nick)
For speeding and running a red
Don't get too comfortable out
there, boys. Our forensics team
is sweeping Pellit's house for
fingerprints and DNA. And they
don't miss much.
We HOLD ON Kurt's face and --
112 FLASHBACK - INT. PELLIT'S BATHROOM - DAY 112
Kurt pulls Pellit's toothbrush out of his butt and
returns it to its holder.
113 BACK TO SCENE (PRESENT) 113
Kurt suddenly looks nauseous.
114 INT. KURT'S CAR - MINUTES LATER 114
Kurt drives, Nick is in front and Dale in back.
114 CONTINUED: 114
We are so fucked.
Maybe it's time to lawyer up.
I don't have money for a lawyer.
I gave all my money to Cocksucker
Hey, that's right! I forgot all
about Cocksucker. Why don't we
ask him what to do?
We did pay him five thousand
dollars to be our murder
Actually, it was five thousand
forty with the briefcase.
OFF their looks --
115 INT. DIVE BAR - SHORT TIME LATER 115
Cocksucker Jones looks up from his bar stool, surprised
to see Nick, Kurt and Dale.
Oh damn, look who's back. How did
it go with the Strangers on a
Not great. We need your help.
One of our intended victims killed
another of our intended victims.
Cocksucker's eyes go wide.
Shut the fuck up! What kind of
evil geniuses are you?
115 CONTINUED: 115
We don't even know why it
happened. But the cops brought us
in as suspects. What do we do
First things first. I'm gonna
need another five thousand
What? No way. You said the last
five thousand would cover this!
Okay, fine. Pay for my drink.
As Nick puts down a few bills on the bar, Dale leans in
Not the best negotiator, is he?
Let me ask you this -- the guy who
killed the other guy you were
planning on killing, are the
police after him too?
No. They don't suspect him.
All right, so you're gonna need to
encourage him to turn himself in,
by say, kidnapping his wife and
mailing him her earlobe or
Naw, the earlobe's vestigial.
(off their looks)
All right, how about you trick him
into confessing what he did while
you wear a wire?
A wire. That's good.
115 CONTINUED: (2) 115
Is that how the cops caught you
when you murdered someone?
What the hell are you talking
about? I never murdered anyone.
There's a beat.
Who told you I killed somebody?
You did. You said you served a
`dime' for `some pretty ugly
It was ugly.
What was it?
You ever see the movie Snow
Falling on Cedars?
I got caught with a video camera
making a bootleg copy of that
You did ten years for video
Hey, that's a federal offense.
They take that shit serious.
I also made the mistake of
representing myself at trial. May
have insulted a few of the jurors.
115 CONTINUED: (3) 115
Hold on. You're telling me we've
been taking murder advice from
someone whose biggest crime was
taping an Ethan Hawke movie?!
So you do know it.
If you're not a murderer, why do
you carry that gun on your belt?
He pulls back his jacket to reveal the holster we saw
This is a motherfucking iPhone.
He pulls the phone out and shows them.
I feel like such a moron.
Well, you are a moron. You don't
walk into a bar and hand a guy
five thousand dollars just because
Come on, guys. Let's get out of
The three of them turn to go.
(calling after them)
Trust me on the wire thing,
though. Worked for Donnie Brasco.
Bootlegged that movie too.
116 EXT. POLICE CRIME LAB - NEXT DAY 116
Hagan and Samson pull up in their car and get out.
117 INT. FORENSICS LAB - MOMENTS LATER 117
The detectives enter to find a CRIME TECH leaning over
117 CONTINUED: 117
You got something for us?
We didn't find any foreign prints
in the house, but we did get a DNA
match for one of your suspects,
Where was it?
Pellit's upstairs bathroom. His
toothbrush. It had traces of
Gamble's fecal matter.
That sick bastard.
That's not all. We found feces on
Pellit's hairbrush, face soap,
floss and razor.
The handle. Not the blade. This
Gamble guy put just about
everything in that bathroom up his
All I care about is that it puts
him inside the house. That's
enough for a warrant for him and
his drag racing, sex offender
(takes out cell)
I'll call the DA.
118 EXT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - THAT NIGHT 118
Kurt's car pulls up with the lights off and parks.
119 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 119
Kurt is at the wheel, Nick sits shotgun, Dale in back.
119 CONTINUED: 119
Okay, looks quiet. Is the tape
Dale pulls out a mini-tape recorder and hands it to Nick
along with a roll of surgical tape.
Fresh batteries, fresh six-hour
tape, voice activated.
One of us needs to tape it to our
I'll do it. I'm the only one
without hair on my chest.
That's `cause you shave it.
I don't shave it. I wax it.
Nick gives Kurt the recorder and Kurt tapes it to his
chest then lowers his shirt.
So what do we do now? Wait for
Harken to come home and ambush
I have a better idea. Let's be in
the house when he walks in. He'll
be so mad, he'll be more likely to
Right. We'll sit there in the
dark till he comes in, and then
switch on a lamp. That'll freak
Hey, we should find an office
chair so one of us can
dramatically spin around and face
I'll be in the chair.
119 CONTINUED: (2) 119
Why do you get to be the guy in
He's my boss.
We could try and find more than
one office chair so the three of
us can spin around at the same
That doesn't sound intimidating.
That sounds like a musical number.
I guess you're right. I'll turn
on the lamp.
So I'm just supposed to stand
there like an idiot?
You're recording it all. You're
the most important member of the
Don't patronize me, Nick.
120 EXT. HARKEN'S PORCH - MINUTES LATER 120
The guys tiptoe onto the porch, peeking in the windows.
Nick tries the front door... and it swings open. They
look at each other, then quietly head inside.
121 INT. HARKEN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ACTION 121
The LIGHTS suddenly come on.
There are 20 or 30 PARTYGOERS in the house which is
decorated for a birthday party. The guys stand
dumbstruck. The revelry peters out as the guests realize
there are three strangers at the door. Mrs. Harken steps
121 CONTINUED: 121
Who are you?
Uh... hi... sorry we're late. I'm
Nick. I work with your husband
Aren't you the young man who
helped Dave on the street the
Uh, yes. How's he doing?
He's fine. Thanks to you.
(then, to Nick)
Did I invite you to this?
Before Nick can answer a GUEST at the window calls out.
His car just turned the corner!
Someone get the lights!
As everyone scurries to hide, Kurt finds himself pressed
up against Mrs. Harken, beside the sofa. He checks her
(shaking her hand)
Hi, we didn't formally meet. I'm
Nick didn't tell me that his boss
was married to a model.
(noticing him now,
I'm not a model.
When did you quit?
121 CONTINUED: (2) 121
We see Mrs. Harken is intrigued. Just then, the front
door opens and Harken enters. The lights come on.
A jittery Harken nearly jumps out of his skin as the
crowd starts singing "Happy Birthday." Mrs. Harken takes
Were you surprised?
Look, everyone's here.
Who are you talking about?
I think you know.
I need to put my stuff away. I'll
be right back.
He heads off to his study, leaving his confused wife.
She notices Kurt, standing at the buffet, staring at her.
He smiles and winks. Mrs. Harken gives him a little
122 ANGLE ON NICK, KURT AND DALE 122
He's going off alone. This is our
You guys ready?
(still staring at
So fucking ready.
Okay, stay close.
122 CONTINUED: 122
The three of them head toward the study.
123 INT. HARKEN'S STUDY - CONTINUOUS ACTION 123
Just as Nick and Dale enter, Harken looks up and sees
What the hell are you doing here?
You come to stab me a few more
times, you lunatic?
And my wife invited you? Are you
fucking her too?
Nick tries his best to suppress his nervousness and be
cool and threatening.
We know what you did, Harken.
What does that mean?
We were there. We saw you kill
So what is this? A shakedown?
You think you can blackmail me
because you saw me kill my wife's
Nick winces. So close.
Say his name.
Nick and Harken turn to Dale.
123 CONTINUED: 123
The guy you killed. What was his
Trust me, Pellit's name doesn't
There it is!
(turning to Dale)
Let's go, guys --
He freezes as he sees for the first time that Kurt didn't
accompany them into the study. It's just him and Dale.
Nick looks around, panicked.
Yeah, I killed Pellit --
Hang on. Hold that thought,
because I want to get my friend,
I walked right up to his door and
I shot him in his fucking chest,
and I'll tell you something: I
liked it. So if you think I'm a
pussy who won't do the same exact
thing to some half-assed
blackmailer, guess again.
(looking back at the
You know who really thinks you're
a pussy is my friend Kurt. Let me
go grab him and you can tell him
exactly what you just --
You're pathetic, Waters. You come
into my home, on my goddam
birthday and try and pull this
shit? Well, guess what? You're a
dead man. You...
... you, and your friend Kurt,
whoever the fuck he is. Dead.
123 CONTINUED: (2) 123
We didn't know it was your
Harken has crossed to a drawer and taken out a small
safe. He begins turning the combination lock.
What are you doing? What's in
My gun. Just give me a second.
Nick and Dale exchange a look, then quickly rush out of
124 INT. HARKEN'S LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER 124
looking thoroughly freaked out, Nick and Dale push their
way through the partygoers.
We had him! We had the whole
thing. What happened to Kurt?
Just then, the door to a guest bathroom opens and Kurt
emerges, buckling his belt and looking strangely red in
`Hey'?! Where were you?!
Uh, I had to go to the bathroom.
Bad salmon puff. Are we ready to
You're too late, Kurt! He
confessed the whole damn thing!
More than once! Then he told us
we were dead men! He's getting
his gun right now!
Oh, man, I'm so sorry. I fucked
124 CONTINUED: 124
Yeah, you --
Suddenly, the bathroom door opens again and out steps
Mrs. Harken, also looking disheveled. She adjusts her
dress then rejoins the party.
(realizing what Kurt
Overcome with rage, Nick PUNCHES Kurt in the arm then
rushes to the door. Dale and Kurt hurry after him.
125 ANGLE ON HARKEN 125
seeing them go. With a grim look, he calmly heads to the
126 INT. KURT'S CAR - MINUTES LATER 126
Nick sits steaming mad as Kurt drives. Dan fiddles with
the tape recorder in the back.
Look, I wasn't thinking. She's so
hot and I'm so weak. I'm a weak,
weak man. I admit it.
From the back seat, we hear from the tape recorder:
In here? But all those people are
MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
I know. That makes it even
We hear unbuckling and unzipping.
MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
Your balls are so smooth.
I wax them.
Is there anything you don't wax?
Kurt shrugs. We hear some WET, SMACKING SOUNDS.
126 CONTINUED: 126
Ugh. Turn it off, Dale!
Oh yeah... oh shit!
MRS. HARKEN (V.O.)
Whoops. That was fast...
Yeah, Dale, turn that off!
127 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 127
A short distance behind a car is following Kurt's. As it
comes closer we see it's a Porsche. And it's driven by a
128 EXT. KURT'S APARTMENT - SHORT TIME LATER 128
Kurt's car turns the corner and stops short.
129 INT. KURT'S CAR - CONTINUOUS ACTION 129
From the guys' POV we see an unmarked car and a police
squad car parked outside of Kurt's place. Hagan and
Samson stand with two UNIFORMED OFFICERS.
Holy shit! They must have found
Turn around! Get us out of here!
130 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 130
Kurt quickly does a U-turn and ZOOMS off in the direction
they came, inadvertently SPEEDING through a red light.
We see a traffic camera FLASH.
131 INSERT - A BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPH 131
clearly showing the three guys, their faces distorted
132 INT. KURT'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER 132
Okay, it's clear that none of us
can go home again. Probably ever.
I'm sure they have cops at all our
places. I think our best bet is
to get out of the country.
Where are we going to go?
Everyone flees to Mexico. That's
the first place they'll look.
You're right. What about Asia?
We could become kick boxers.
What the fuck are you talking
What if our entire lives have been
leading up to this moment? What
if we were destined from the very
beginning to become Asian kick
What if I was destined to smack
you right in the face?
That seems like a lesser destiny.
SFX: Dale's cell phone rings.
133 INT. JULIA'S BATHROOM - SAME TIME 133
Julia lies in a bubble bath, a glass of wine on the edge
of the tub.
Oh God. Look, Julia, I can't talk
right now --
Kurt reacts at hearing it's Julia. He makes an "I'm not
No worries, baby. I actually
meant to call your home phone.
You know, to tell Stacy about us.
I think I've waited long enough.
I'm tired of you playing with my
I'm not playing. I'm going to do
it. I swear!
This Friday. At the office.
Wait. What are you going to do to
I'm going to... have sex with you.
Details! And be explicit.
Right now? You want me to say it?
Oh, shit. We've got company.
133 CONTINUED: 133
He points out the back window and the guys react as they
see Harken driving directly on their tail.
It's Harken! Lose him!
Lose him? Sure, Nick. His 500
horsepower is no match for my 150.
I'm gonna put my penis in your
Despite the danger, Kurt and Nick turn curiously to look
Oh, come on, Casanova. You can do
better than that.
I'm gonna make you feel good.
With my tongue... and my fingers.
Just then, Harken speeds up and SLAMS into the tail of
Kurt's car. Kurt struggles to stay on the road.
Jesus Christ, this guy's nuts!
You going to slap me with your
Yes! Yes! I'm going to beat your
face with my cock!
BANG! Harken again HITS Kurt's car from behind. A tail
133 CONTINUED: (2) 133
I'm gonna put my balls in your
hair! I'm gonna spit on your
Kurt and Nick exchange a baffled look.
See you Friday, you dirty bird.
Julia hangs up. Dale looks like he's been violated.
Nice job `fucking the crazy out of
Maybe I should've spit on her
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Good evening, Mr. Gamble.
The three of them JUMP, startled by the sudden voice in
the car with them.
What the hell?
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
This is Gregory, your On Star rep.
Our on-board sensors report that
you have a damaged tail light.
Yeah, thanks, Gregory, we know.
We're being chased by a crazy man
and he just smashed into us!
Kurt looks in the rearview mirror and sees Harken is
still behind them. As his car reaches an intersection,
Kurt swerves at the last second and takes a hard left.
Harken overshoots the turn.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Oh dear. I will alert the local
police authorities and direct them
to your location.
No, wait! Don't call the police!
They're already after us.
133 CONTINUED: (3) 133
They think we murdered someone.
Suddenly, Kurt's engine dies and the car comes to a
Why are you slowing down?!
I'm not! The engine died!
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
I have remotely disabled your
Why would you do that, Gregory?!
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
It's a standard On Star safety
protocol when we believe a driver
has committed a crime.
I pay nineteen bucks a month for
this fucking service!
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Please stay with your vehicle.
The police should arrive shortly.
I thought you were our friend,
There's a sound of screeching tires and Harken's Porsche
ZOOMS up behind them.
He's not stopping!
134 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS ACTION 134
Harken's car PLOWS into the rear of Kurt's, forcing it
into the back of a parked car. Even if the engine was
working, there'd be nowhere to go now.
Dazed from the impact, the guys look back to see Harken
slowly approaching on foot, holding a gun in his hand.
134 CONTINUED: 134
Shit, shit, shit...
Harken taps on Kurt's window with the barrel of the gun.
Kurt lowers the window.
I'm guessing you don't want to
information -- ?
Out of the car. All of you.
The three guys nervously exit the car and face Harken who
points the gun at them.
Look, Mr. Harken --
Shut the fuck up! I've got six
bullets in here. So if I want to,
I can shoot each of you twice,
just like I did that bastard,
Pellit. But if I do that, I'll
have to spend the rest of my life
running from the law or rotting in
Police sirens approaching.
So, you're not gonna shoot us?
No. I have a better idea.
Harken turns the gun toward his own thigh and FIRES.
What the -- ?!
As his leg bleeds, Harken wipes the gun off with his
shirt, then suddenly tosses it to Dale.
Startled, Dale catches the pistol with shaking hands.
134 CONTINUED: (2) 134
Now I can tell the cops that when
I discovered you three killed
Pellit, you tried to kill me to
shut me up.
Down the street, two squad cars turn the corner and speed
toward them. Dale looks down at the gun in his hand and
Is it? Because I don't see a
shred of evidence proving that I
killed Pellit. It's like I've
always told you, Nick. Life is a
marathon and you can't win a
marathon without putting a few
Band-Aids on your nipples.
Nick deflates. The three guys realize Harken's won.
Then, from the car's open window they hear:
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
Did I mention that this
conversation is being recorded?
Kurt, Nick and Dale exchange a look of shock and relief.
Who said that?
That's Gregory, our On Star rep.
ON STAR REP (V.O.)
My name is Atmanand!
Harken's face falls. He looks around nervously as the
police cars come to a halt.
You can't -- this isn't --
And with that, Harken BOLTS AWAY as fast as his injured
leg will take him. It's not very fast. The guys watch
him for a beat as they share a joyful, exhausted moment
134 CONTINUED: (3) 134
I think this is gonna work out
okay for us.
I told you.
Should we stop him?
I've got this.
(looking to heaven)
This is for you, Gam Gam.
Nick sprints off after his hobbling boss and in SLOW
MOTION, violently TACKLES Harken to the pavement. Harken
goes down hard, his face SLAMMING against the asphalt.
As the COPS hurry toward them, Nick kneels on the back of
Harken's neck, pinning him.
Get the fuck off me!
Kurt steps up and kneels beside the battered figure.
Hey, Harken, one last thing?
Your wife gives great head.
Harken struggles wildly but he's helpless.
CUT TO BLACK.
135 EXT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - MORNING 135
SUPERIMPOSE: ONE WEEK LATER
135 CONTINUED: 135
The sun is shining. Birds are chirping. It's a bright,
new day as Kurt heads into the building.
136 INT. PELLIT CHEMICAL CO. - DAY 136
Kurt enters and looks over at what was Pellit's office.
He smiles when he sees Margie, the pregnant employee, now
running the company. He heads over.
137 INT. MARGIE'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER 137
Kurt knocks on the doorframe and enters.
Oh, hey, Kurt. Come in.
Thanks, Margie. I just wanted to
congratulate you on taking over
Thank you. Terrible what happened
Yeah. Tough month for the Pellit
family. Anyway, if there's
anything I can do to help out
before the baby gets here, please
let me know.
I'm not pregnant.
Yeah, right. Look at that big
Kurt pats her belly. Margie now looks genuinely pissed
137 CONTINUED: 137
I'm aware that I have a weight
problem, Kurt. It just happens to
manifest itself in my lower
I... oh, my God. I'm really
sorry, Margie --
He falls silent under Margie's death stare.
Kurt, I know you were a favorite
of Jack's. He was willing to
overlook your inappropriate
behavior with female clients and
service people. But you should be
aware, I'm not Jack. And I have
very little tolerance for the
mistreatment of women. So
consider this your first strike.
How was I supposed to know you
were just fat --
Kurt opens his mouth to say something but thinks better
of it. He stands up and slumps out. Life as he knew it
at Pellit Chemicals is clearly over.
138 INT. DENTAL EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY 138
Julia enters to find Dale waiting for her. A PATIENT
lies asleep in the chair, his face obscured by the
Thank God it's Friday, right,
Let's drill this patient and then
you can drill me.
138 CONTINUED: 138
Could we do it on top of the
patient? I like the element of
You continue to surprise me, you
weird little man.
Julia quickly undoes the patient's belt and yanks his
You like that? This getting you
Julia begins handling the patient's implied genitals
which are obscured by a tray of tools.
(in a puppet voice)
`I wish I was Dale's weenie so I
could have sex with Julia.'
Suddenly, the patient bursts out LAUGHING and sits up.
What the hell?!
The patient pulls off his nitrous mask to reveal it's
KENNY, the guys' former classmate from the bar.
Sorry, Dale. I couldn't keep it
together anymore --
What is this?
Julia, meet my old high school
How do you do?
138 CONTINUED: (2) 138
Kenny will do just about anything
for fifty bucks and that's why I
hired him to help me frame you.
Your days of sexually assaulting
me and your patients are over.
Seriously? This is all you've
got? Your word against mine? I'm
a highly respected professional
and you're two losers.
Dale points to the window where Julia sees COCKSUCKER
JONES outside holding up a video camera. He waves to
You little bastard --
Shut up, Julia. Now, my fiancee
and I are going to take a very
expensive two week vacation which
you're going to pay for. And then
I'm going to come back to a rape-
free workplace. Because if you so
much as look at my ass, I'll have
yours locked up.
With a bounce in his step, Dale strides out of the room.
There's an awkward beat with Kenny and Julia.
I don't suppose you could take a
look at this molar --
OUT! GET OUT!
Kenny scampers out, pulling up his pants as he goes.
139 INT. NICK'S OFFICE (FORMERLY HARKEN'S) - DAY 139
Nick is in his new office as a young employee, CARTER,
20's, pops his head in.
You wanted to see me, Mr. Waters?
139 CONTINUED: 139
Hi, Carter. Just wanted to check
if you had a chance to finish
those regional sales projections
Oh, I think I may need another
Okay. I was hoping to give them
to the marketing guys today, but I
can hold them off.
In the future, it'd be great if
you could tell me if you're going
to miss a deadline.
Carter's eyes narrow. All at once, he rushes at Nick,
grabs him by the throat and HURLS him THROUGH THE PLATE
GLASS WINDOW, shattering it.
140 EXT. COMMTRONIX INDUSTRIES - CONTINUOUS ACTION 140
Nick plummets forty feet and lands with a SICKENING
CRUNCH directly onto his own car. Just behind him we see
a parking plaque that reads "Nick Waters, Senior VP of
SMASH CUT TO:
141 SAME SCENE (REALITY) 141
Carter stands opposite Nick as before.
Sure. No problem, Mr. Waters.
Nick smiles and closes the door behind Carter. He
settles into his comfy chair and puts his feet up on the
It's good to be the boss.
CUT TO BLACK.