HOT TUB TIME MACHINE
Written by
Josh Heald
Hot Tub Time Machine Theme
Lyrics by Josh Heald
Music by Def Leppard, Styx, Journey, Poison, or Whitesnake
Water cranked to a hundred and three
Got my tunes, my snacks, my booze, my skis
(Got the) freshest moves you ever seen
When I'm soakin in my Hot Tub Time Machine
When you're going back to the 80s...
And you might be fuckin some ladies...
You bring your button fly jeans and some sweet hair gel
Want blow? All you gotta do is yell
(Yeah you're) lookin real smooth, (and you're) lookin real mean
When you're soakin in your Hot Tub Time Machine
Yeah!
Hot Tub - Time Machine!
Hot Tub - Time Machine!
C'mon!
(Sweet guitar solo - 16 measures]
Relaxed as hell when you're goin through time
That's the 54 jets workin' on your spine
(Yeah) you gotta be loose and you gotta be lean
When you roll up in your Hot Tub Time Machine
Yeah your shirt's a little psychedelic...
And you're lookin kinda like Tom Selleck...
Yeah the chicks are wetter than the Everglades
But double bag your dude, don't wanna get AIDS
Just listen right up, consider me your dean
In the college of the Hot Tub Time Machine
Yeah!
Hot Tub - Time Machine!
Hot Tub - Time Machine!
Yeah!
FADE IN:
EXT. POOL DECK - DAY
BLUE SKIES. A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY.
CAMERA PANS DOWN to reveal A HOT TUB FULL OF HOT CHICKS IN
BIKINIS. They splash about playfully. Then--
A FUCKING LION JUMPS IN THE HOT TUB!
As the girls SCREAM and scramble for safety, the BEAST ROARS
and it becomes the:
MGM LOGO
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
ADAM COLEMAN (late 30s, good-looking, sweet-natured face) is
in a great mood as he packs a SUITCASE.
LILY (O.S.)
Ready for the wildest bachelor
party of all time?
LILY (early 30s, shirt and jeans, hot in a smart and classy
sense) walks in the room, smiling.
ADAM
You know it. I'm gonna bang all
sorts of chicks this weekend!
LILY
That's not the answer I was looking
for.
ADAM
Sorry, honey.
Adam gives his beautiful fiancee a playful kiss.
She shows him some PHOTOS.
LILY
Look what I found...
2.
ANGLE: PHOTO
A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS and 20-SOMETHINGS PARTY IN A LARGE HOT
TUB at a SKI RESORT. It looks like the most fun ever.
ADAM
Check out that young stud. Can you
believe he's about to get married?
Lily and Adam look through more PHOTOS of a YOUNG ADAM (17)
partying at a SKI RESORT with his FRIENDS:
-- In full 80s SKI GEAR on a mountain...
-- Eating PIZZA at "Papa Enzo's," stuffing their faces...
-- Drinking BEERS at the "Brew Haus," an awesome pub...
-- In the HOT TUB with SIX GIRLS...
Adam snatches the last photo from her.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Ignore that one. Nothing happened.
(BEAT)
I love you.
Lily laughs.
LILY
Adam, you didn't know me yet.
As Adam goes back to packing, Lily leafs through some more of
the photos. She stops at one and her EXPRESSION CHANGES.
LILY (CONT'D)
Who's this?
Lily shows Adam a PHOTO:
-- A SMOKING HOT SKI BUNNY (23, blonde, svelte, leg warmers).
ADAM
I'm not sure.
LILY
Really?
Lily shows Adam another PHOTO:
-- YOUNG ADAM with his arm around the SKI BUNNY, who looks
like she was ambushed for the photo.
3.
ADAM
Oh! Jennie.
LILY
Who's Jennie?
ADAM
She's nobody. Ski instructor.
(off her look)
You didn't know me yet.
Lily still looks at him a little hard.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Lily, I was 17. She had boobs and
a face. Of course I'm gonna take
her picture.
Lily still looks a little bothered.
LILY
Do you still think of her?
ADAM
Of course not! I think of you.
As Adam goes to EMBRACE her:
LILY
Hold on...
Lily goes into the CLOSET.
ADAM
Sweetie?
She comes out a moment later with a CARDBOARD BOX, which she
empties onto the BED. About FIFTY PORNO MAGAZINES spill out,
ranging from TITS MONTHLY to BLACK ASS.
ADAM (CONT'D)
How did you know where I hid my...
treasure?
Lily carefully picks up a BROCHURE from the pile, holding it
by the corner, not wanting to touch it.
LILY
Explain this.
From ADAM'S POV, we see the brochure:
-- A ski brochure featuring Jennie on the cover.
4.
ADAM
OK! You caught me! I
occasionally... reminisce... about
Jennie O'Keefe!
LILY
That's gross.
(THEN)
What's "occasionally?"
ADAM
(without missing a beat)
About two hours ago when you were
on the phone with your mother.
LILY
Jesus. Tell me how I'm supposed to
let you go to your bachelor party
and not be a basket case?
ADAM
What are you so worried about?
LILY
I'm worried that you're still
thinking about this girl.
ADAM
Baby, the girl in that picture was
nothing more than a crush. I could
never get her and there's no
possibility I'll ever be with her.
She was a total stranger.
Lily gets a CURIOUS LOOK on her face.
LILY
So... you're into strangers?
ADAM
Well not the creepy "your mom was
in an accident, now come with me"
kind. But yeah, the hot lady in
the supermarket kind of stranger.
You have to admit - it's kinda hot.
LILY
So you're saying if you and I
didn't know each other, it would be
pretty hot if we fooled around?
ADAM
You kidding me? It would be
fucking incredible.
5.
Lily smiles seductively, as Adam starts to get it.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Wait a minute. Are you
suggesting... yes. YES!
Adam excitedly heads for the door.
ADAM (CONT'D)
OK, I'll go down the hall. You get
into character.
(points at her)
This fucking rules.
Adam leaves the room and Lily REMOVES HER SHIRT, talking sexy
and slowly building the fantasy...
LILY
Oh I'm all alone in this big house.
Cheerleading camp just ended and I
need to get out of these sweaty
clothes...
ADAM (O.S.)
Love where you're going with this,
baby! Keep it up!
She unbuttons her pants and SLIDES DOWN HER JEANS.
LILY
Mmmm. My panties are so tight
against my firm naked body...
ADAM (O.S.)
You should probably take them off!
LILY
Are you gonna let me do this?
ADAM (O.S.)
Sorry! Continue! You were just
about to take off your panties!
She slowly slides out of her panties, kicking them away. Now
she's TOTALLY NAKED. She continues to role play.
LILY
It feels so good to be so naked. I
hope no one can see me...
Just then a BLACK MAN (late 30s, handsome, J Crew) saunters
through the bedroom door, holding a coffee and all riled up.
6.
BLACK MAN
OK, so this asshole in front of me
at the donut place is -- WHOA!
Lily covers up and SCREAMS.
LILY
Get out of here!!
He SPILLS the coffee on his hands and their rug as he turns.
BLACK MAN
Fuck! Ow! I'm sorry. I'll clean
it up. That's gonna stain, though.
LILY
Just leave!
He heads for the door, just as:
Adam comes in, wearing a MAILMAN hat and NOTHING ELSE.
ADAM
Special delivery for -- Jesus
Christ!
The black man doesn't know which way to look. He covers his
eyes and drips coffee, as he blindly steps toward the door.
BLACK MAN
(NOT LOOKING)
Just tell me when I'm in the clear.
CUT TO:
EXT. ADAM'S HOUSE - DAY
Adam wheels his suitcase down the front path of this modest,
well-kept suburban home, as a recovered, dressed, embarrassed
and somewhat shell-shocked Lily follows with a small bag.
They both stop 10 yards short of a RANGE ROVER, where the
black man, NICK, waits in the car, waving.
LILY
I can't wait for you to come back
and marry me. Wow, that's crazy.
Adam looks almost like it just hit him.
7.
ADAM
Yeah.
(REALIZATION)
Wow.
LILY
Tell me again I have nothing to
worry about.
ADAM
Babe, look at Nick...
In the car, Nick air drums to whatever's on the radio.
ADAM (CONT'D)
You think with him in charge, we're
gonna get into any kind of trouble?
We'll probably eat too much pizza
and I'll twist my ankle getting off
the ski lift.
LILY
OK. Have an awesome bachelor
party. Not too awesome.
(hands him bag)
I got you something.
Adam looks in the bag.
ADAM
Sandwich. Thanks.
He puts it in his BACKPACK. She looks like she was expecting
a different reaction, but she lets it go. He kisses her.
LILY
Let me see your phone.
He takes it out.
ADAM
I told you, I'll call you when--
She snatches it out of his hands. Adam looks confused, as
she pockets the phone.
LILY
Despite my anxiety, I'm not gonna
be one of those women who wants an
update every ten minutes. Even
though I do want an update every
ten minutes.
Adam smiles. Lily looks a bit trepidatious.
8.
LILY (CONT'D)
Just make sure whatever happens,
you're back for the rehearsal
dinner.
(SHOWING CONCERN)
I totally trust you.
ADAM
You should. I'm a lame-o.
LILY
Well at least you're a cute lame-o.
Lily leans in and they NUZZLE their noses together in a
disgusting display of affection. A FLASH goes off.
From the car, Nick holds up his iPhone.
NICK
I'm more than willing to forget
about earlier, but this shit's
going on Facebook.
INT. NICK'S CAR - DAY - DRIVING
Nick drives through SUBURBIA, while Adam rides shotgun.
NICK
I have no idea what Facebook is.
My phone has a button that says
Send To Facebook. I've been
sending shit there for months.
Adam looks out the window, smiling.
ADAM
I'm so psyched about this weekend!
NICK
Ditto, buddy. I'm gonna help you
make up for all the good times you
missed when you were being a
responsible member of society.
ADAM
You're a good friend. I'm sorry
for putting my career and self
sufficiency above bowling night.
NICK
This trip represents everything
awesome about being a dude.
(MORE)
9.
NICK (CONT'D)
We're gonna drink too much, eat
whatever we want...
(FANTASIZING)
I might not even change my socks.
ADAM
Live the dream.
NICK
Best of all, we don't have to
answer to anyone.
Nick's PHONE rings and he answers it with his built-in
BLUETOOTH. His phone voice is a little more "sensitive."
NICK (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
Hi honey.
COURTNEY (V.0.)
Three goddamn bags of pretzels?
NICK (ON PHONE)
(trying to save face)
I'm with Adam, honey.
COURTNEY (V.0.)
Hi Adam.
(a little calmer)
Nick, what have I told you about
buying snacks that aren't on sale?
NICK (ON PHONE)
You said not to do it.
COURTNEY (V.0.)
And what did you do?
NICK (ON PHONE)
I bought three bags of pretzels.
But I'm gonna eat them...
COURTNEY (V.0.)
That's not the point.
(ADMONISHING)
Don't do it again.
Nick and Adam exchange an embarrassing glance.
NICK (ON PHONE)
OK.
COURTNEY (V.0.)
Call me from the road. Adam, say
hi to Lily.
10.
ADAM (ON PHONE)
OK, I sure wi--
CLICK. For a moment, there is an uncomfortable silence.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Don't her parents own the
supermarket?
NICK
The whole damn chain.
(THEN)
Just be thankful Lily doesn't have
any family money. Nothing makes
your dick softer.
EXT. MOTEL -- DAY
Nick's car pulls into the lot of a rundown motel.
INT./EXT. NICK'S CAR - DAY
Adam looks confused and slightly nervous.
ADAM
This looks like a place where
people die. Mostly from murder.
A BALD, miserable-looking GUY in his late 30s (LOU) exits a
room, carrying TWO SHOPPING BAGS. He gets in the back seat.
Adam looks happy to see him.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Lou!
LOU
Yes, I'm living in a transient
motel. Let's get that purple
elephant out of the room.
ADAM
Dude, it looks nice.
LOU
Thank you. I hate your guts.
ADAM
(re: the bags)
What'd you bring?
11.
LOU
All my belongings.
NICK
So you're sorta like a bum now,
huh?
LOU
In a sense.
INT. NICK'S CAR - DAY - DRIVING
Lou sits in the backseat, voraciously eating a bowl of
cereal, as the other guys are up front.
LOU
Our system is fucked, gentlemen.
You tell me how a whore wife can
fuck some black dude - no offense -
and still take her cuckold of a
husband for all he's got.
NICK
Why would I take offense to that?
LOU
It's offensive.
NICK
Because he's black?
LOU
And because he's fucking my wife.
And because you're black. And
because of all the oversensitive
horrible garbage... you know what?
Forget no offense. Just offense.
Are you offended?
NICK
Not really.
LOU
Then shut the fuck up.
ADAM
She's got a hell of an attorney.
LOU
Yes and thank you so very much for
giving her the referral.
12.
ADAM
She told me it was for a friend.
NICK
So... what? Your wife likes black
dick now?
LOU
I'm gonna slaughter you in your
sleep tonight.
ADAM
(turns to Lou, genuine)
Thanks for coming, man.
EXT. UPSCALE APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Nick's car pulls up across from a nice apartment building, as
a well-dressed, well-groomed, overly polished-looking YOUNG
GUY in his 20s (JACOB) comes out, carrying a MESSENGER BAG.
INT. NICK'S CAR -- SAME TIME
The guys watch Jacob carefully cross the street.
LOU
Oh, Adam's stupid brother's coming?
Boo! Drive away before he gets in
the car!
ADAM
Be nice. I know Jacob's kind of a
douche, but I'm trying to be closer
to him since Mom died.
Jacob gets in the back next to Lou.
LOU
(VERY INSINCERE)
Hey buddy! How's it going? Good
to see you!
JACOB
You look dirty and you smell bad.
LOU
You look gay and you smell like a
basket of fancy soaps. Advantage
me.
JACOB
How is that to your advantage?
13.
ADAM
He's not gay. He's just... what
are you again?
JACOB
Metrosexual.
LOU
You have sex with trains?
JACOB
For your information, I fuck
chicks. Hot ones.
LOU
For your information, you fuck
dudes. Gay ones.
JACOB
Yeah, well at least I'm young and
my life's full of potential. I
hear you're homeless now?
LOU
(to Nick and Adam)
You told him?!
(GRIMACES)
I hate all you people.
ADAM
Will you two please shake hands and
make up? We're gonna be spending a
lot of time together.
Jacob distractedly TEXTS on his phone.
JACOB
Yeah, about that. Why aren't we
going to Aspen? Vermont's lame.
ADAM
It's gonna be fun.
JACOB
Yeah, whatever.
And with that, the guys travel in silence for a few moments,
the lifeblood drained from the car. Finally...
LOU
I've gotta take a shit.
14.
INT. BURGER KING REST STOP - DAY
Lou walks from the bathroom back to the TABLE where Adam,
Nick, and Jacob sit and eat.
LOU
That was an ugly experience.
NICK
I don't wanna hear about it.
LOU
In a few years, when I'm dying of
an exotic disease that causes my
penis to bleed until it falls off,
someone remember to tell the
hospital to check out the filthy
crapper at the Albany Rest Stop.
It's the AIDS monkey of toilets.
The guys put down their sandwiches.
ADAM
Thank you.
LOU
I don't know how you're doing it,
man. I mean, Laurie's hot, don't
get me wrong.
ADAM
(CORRECTING)
Lily.
LOU
Right. Lily. But one vagina?
Forever?
ADAM
That's the sacrifice.
Jacob nods, agreeing with Lou's concern.
JACOB
And you're OK with that? I don't
know your sexual history, but you
sure you got it out of your system?
ADAM
I did OK for myself.
LOU
He didn't do that well for himself.
15.
NICK
Yeah, isn't Lily your fourth?
ADAM
Fifth. Thank you.
JACOB
So you're averaging like one girl
every eight years.
ADAM
Assuming I got laid when I was
zero.
LOU
That would be awesome.
Adam gives Lou a distasteful look.
ADAM
I'm fine. Maybe some cold feet,
but that's normal. Thank you
everyone for your concern.
JACOB
Just looking out for you. That's
what brothers do, right? They look
out for each other?
ADAM
(takes a moment)
Is this about something else?
JACOB
Forget it.
ADAM
No, let's do this. I'm sorry I
wasn't around when you were growing
up, OK? I was in college. And
then I was working. Dad left.
Someone had to take responsibility.
LOU
Boooooring!
ADAM
(TO LOU)
Shut up.
JACOB
I said forget it.
16.
NICK
Guys, come on. Let's move past it.
This is gonna be a fun weekend.
JACOB
I still say Vermont sucks.
LOU
You're confusing Vermont with
yourself. This weekend is going to
be incredible and you will not ruin
it for me.
ADAM
(softens, to Jacob)
You might like it. Havenhurst is
pretty awesome.
Jacob shrugs, but Lou gets excited.
LOU
Fuck yeah it is! We're gonna ski
the trail and bone some tail!
ADAM
(LAUGHS)
You'll have to bone some of that
tail for me, man.
LOU
Fuck that. You'll bone your own.
ADAM
No I won't.
LOU
Adam, trust me. Biggest mistake of
my life - not fucking a whore at my
bachelor party.
NICK
That's the biggest mistake of your
life?
LOU
Fuck yeah. And he's not making
that same mistake.
ADAM
Uh... I'm not having sex with
anyone this weekend.
Lou looks at Adam, trying to figure things out.
17.
LOU
Ohhhh. I gotcha.
(WINKING)
You're not having sex this weekend.
ADAM
I'm not having sex this weekend.
Without the winking.
LOU
(WINKING)
Right. No winking.
(WINKS AGAIN)
I understand.
ADAM
I'm pretty sure you don't.
INT./EXT. NICK'S CAR - DAY - DRIVING
Nick's car transitions from the HIGHWAY to the MOUNTAINS to
the WOODS, as we track the drive.
Finally, the car passes a "Welcome to Havenhurst" sign.
NICK
Gentlemen... welcome to Havenhurst.
ADAM
Yes!
EXT. HAVENHURST MAIN DRAG - AFTERNOON
The car winds through the main thoroughfare. Rather than a
quaint ski town, this place resembles a suburban nightmare,
with STRIP MALLS and CHAIN RESTAURANTS. It's the exact
opposite of the fun town we saw in Adam's photos.
INT./EXT. NICK'S CAR - AFTERNOON - DRIVING
The guys look out the windows, wearing bummed expressions.
JACOB
so this is the coolest town ever?
ADAM
Oh man. The Brew Haus is a PF
Chang's.
Lou notices a TGI Friday's, with a sign advertising a "Hannah
Montana 3-D Experience!" He looks utterly disgusted.
18.
LOU
I don't even have the heart to tell
you what I just fucking saw. But
say goodbye to Papa Enzo's. This
town sucks.
NICK
What the fuck is going on?
The car climbs a twisty part of the road.
NICK (CONT'D)
Please god let it still be there...
JACOB
What?
ADAM
Pink Paradise. Best strip club
ever.
The car rounds the corner and a SIGN comes into view. The
beginning reads "Pink."
NICK
Yes! It lives!
The car continues to climb and the whole sign comes into
view: "Pinkberry."
LOU
I wanna die.
JACOB
(OBLIVIOUS)
Sweet, there's a Pinkberry here.
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN - AFTERNOON
The car pulls into the parking lot of this RUNDOWN lodge.
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / LOBBY - AFTERNOON
The guys walk in and the first thing they notice is a bunch
of CATS that wander anywhere they want.
The large "living room" area off the lobby features a FIRE
PLACE that has been BRICKED SHUT.
TODDLERS and ELDERLY PEOPLE lounge and cry and nap.
19.
LOU
(TO NICK)
What have you done to us?
ADAM
I'm not playing drinking games with
my grandma.
NICK
OK so the place skews a little
older. Let's check in. We're not
spending our time inside anyway.
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER
The guys walk silently behind a MIDDLE-AGED BELLHOP (PHIL),
who struggles to wrangle their bags on a shaky hand truck.
His job is made more difficult because he only has ONE ARM.
He grunts and curses his way down the hall on the slow and
laborious journey. But when Adam tries to pick up a bag...
PHIL
(CURT)
Hey buddy. I'm not gonna tell you
again. I fuckin' got it.
Adam backs off.
LOU
This guy's a dick.
NICK
SHH--
LOU
No, fuck that.
(LOUDER)
He's a dick. Oooh tough guy. He's
gotta be Mister America.
JACOB
Captain America.
LOU
Go fuck yourself.
Phil finally drops their bags at their room and then:
PHIL
I'm ready to be tipped.
20.
LOU
(SELF UNAWARE)
You, sir, have no tact.
Nick gives Phil a bill and he walks off down the hall,
leaving the guys outside their room.
NICK
Gentlemen... in this room lies the
beginning of our awesome weekend.
JACOB
Or a continuation of everything
that's sucked so far.
LOU
Yeah, I bet it's gonna be lame as
shit in there. The furniture
probably smells like mold.
JACOB
I say we go to Foxwoods.
LOU
I actually kinda like that idea.
ADAM
Guys!
Everyone looks at Adam.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Let's give it a chance. We don't
know for sure that the room sucks.
Nick nods, appreciating the optimism. He opens the door:
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - AFTERNOON
The room SUCKS. The ancient furniture looks like it smells
like mold and there is nothing redeemable about the place.
ADAM
(SHRUGS)
OK, so now we know.
The guys drag their bags in and depressingly take stock of
the situation -- presently the dirty old room.
JACOB
What the hell is with this place?
21.
LOU
It's like a Stephen King novel,
except not as cool.
NICK
We'll feel a lot better once we hit
the slopes.
(SMILES)
Plus, I know there's one thing to
look forward to.
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - AFTERNOON
On a patio outside their suite, our guys stare at a KICK-ASS
TOP OF THE LINE HOT TUB. Spacious seating, plenty of jets,
underwater lighting. It's amazing.
Adam, Nick, and Lou look energized.
LOU
Thank. God.
ADAM
At least some things never change.
JACOB
What's the big deal about a hot
tub?
ADAM
Shame on you.
NICK
There's plenty of time for tubbin'.
Let's ski.
EXT. MOUNTAIN - AFTERNOON
At the top of the mountain, Adam, Nick, and Lou look
ridiculous in TIGHT, RETRO-STYLE NEON SKI JUMPSUITS. Jacob,
on a snowboard, is the only one dressed in current attire.
JACOB
(re: their outfits)
When's the last time you guys
actually went skiing?
ADAM
It's been a few years.
NICK
I think we look good.
22.
JACOB
Then you're an idiot.
NICK
All right, we race down the
mountain. Loser buys first round.
Premium shit only.
JACOB
You gonna be all right?
NICK
What does that mean?
JACOB
I dunno - do black dudes ski?
NICK
Of course black dudes ski. Aren't
I wearing skis?
JACOB
I'm just not sure you're
representative.
NICK
You're calling me an Uncle Tom?
JACOB
I don't even know what that means.
NICK
It means black dudes ski.
(pulls down goggles)
Catch ya at the bottom.
Nick takes off and... gets about 15 FEET, before he hits a
GRASSY PATCH and falls over.
LOU
Black dudes don't ski.
ADAM
(MOCK YELLING)
How's the bottom?
CUT TO:
ADAM HITS A BAD PATCH AND FALLS DOWN.
CUT TO:
23.
JACOB AND LOU COLLIDE, BOTH TRYING TO AVOID A BARE PATCH.
CUT TO:
NICK PICKS UP SPEED, BEFORE HITTING A BARE PATCH AND FALLING.
A LITTLE OLD LADY SLOWLY SKIS PAST HIM, KICKING UP POWDER.
EXT. HAVENHURST MAIN DRAG - NIGHT
Nick wears his "going out clothes" and walks along the main
drag talking into his PHONE. It is clear that he is being
CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTED on the other end of the conversation.
NICK (ON PHONE)
No, the black ones... without the
pleats... Because the pleats make
me look fat... No, I put it on the
Amex... Because I'm the best man...
I know, but I'm organizing... I'm
gonna get cash fr-- I'm gonna get--
I'm gonna collect cash from the
guys... Yes... Yes... Yes.
(LONG PAUSE)
I love you too.
Nick hangs up and we see that Adam, Lou, and Jacob have been
walking with him, listening to his end of the conversation.
ADAM
(SYMPATHETIC)
Dude...
NICK
(CLAPS HANDS)
OK, who's ready to sink their teeth
into a delicious dinner?
INT. P.F. CHANG'S - NIGHT
Our four guys looks MISERABLE, as they sit around a table at
this popular Chinese food chain restaurant. Their
overzealous WAITER (AIDEN) makes a big production of MIXING
SAUCES, like he's Emeril.
AIDEN
You fellas look like you can handle
some spice. I'm gonna knock it up
a bit... throw some chili sauce in
there... oh yeah, there it is.
This is gonna knock your socks off.
24.
Nick's expression looks like he wants to kill the guy.
NICK
Thank you.
The waiter walks away and Nick RAISES HIS GLASS in a toast.
NICK (CONT'D)
I'd like to propose a toast. To my
best friend, Adam. He may be
throwing his life away, but at
least he's throwing it away with a
hot chick at his side.
The guys LAUGH and clink glasses.
NICK (CONT'D)
And so what if you only have one
vagina for the rest of your life.
Speaking as someone who's seen your
wife's vagina -- it's definitely
one of the good ones.
Lou and Jacob look confused, but clink glasses anyway, as
Adam mouths "What the fuck" to Nick.
Jacob raises his glass.
JACOB
To my brother, I say thank you for
including me. I promise to try to
make the most of it.
The guys look confused at the backhanded graciousness.
ADAM
Thanks for coming, man. It means a
lot to me.
Jacob nods halfheartedly.
NICK
To Adam!
GUYS
To Adam!
The guys hug and clink glasses and excitedly CHATTER. Just
then, a MANAGER appears at the table and CLEARS HIS THROAT.
MANAGER
Gentlemen. You're going to have to
keep it down.
25
NICK
Come on, man. It's our friend's
bachelor party. We're just trying
to roast him a little bit.
MANAGER
Well if you like roasts, I suggest
the roast peking duck. It's out of
this world and as I'm sure Aiden
has told you, he can make it quite
spicy.
The guys look bothered.
MANAGER (CONT'D)
But as for the noisy kind of roast,
that's going to have to stop. We
have many other guests trying to
enjoy the P.F. Chang's experience.
The manager walks away. For a moment, the guys are quiet.
Lou takes a bite of his food, chewing slowly.
LOU
This kung pau chicken pairs very
nicely with the 97 cab. Very
impressive choice, Nick.
NICK
Thank you.
LOU
Also, this is the worst bachelor
party I've ever been to.
Everyone puts down their forks, cathartically fed up.
JACOB
Totally agree.
ADAM
Nick, look. You had great
intentions. No one's blaming you.
LOU
I'm blaming him.
JACOB
I'm totally blaming him. I didn't
even want to go skiing.
26.
NICK
OK I'll admit this trip is not off
to the best start. But we're due
for a victory!
Nick thinks and actually gets an idea. He SNAPS his fingers.
NICK (CONT'D)
Hot tub!
A lightbulb goes off for Adam too.
ADAM
Yes!
Lou gets up and throws down his napkin.
LOU
Why did we even bother with dinner?
Adam and Nick get up too.
JACOB
Guys, I'm still hungry.
LOU
Quiet, men are talking.
Aiden approaches.
AIDEN
Get you guys some to-go boxes?
LOU
I would like you to die. And then
I would like you to leave.
Aiden walks away, freaked out. Lou turns back to the guys.
LOU (CONT'D)
It's tub time.
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - NIGHT
Lou, Adam, and Nick all have HUGE SMILES, as they gaze at the
tub. They each hold a TON OF BOOZE.
Jacob looks indifferent and a little turned off by it all.
Lou strips down to his underwear and CLIMBS IN.
LOU
Oh my god. The water is perfect.
27.
He POURS A VODKA and SLAMS IT BACK.
Adam climbs in with Lou, pouring his own drink.
JACOB
I really don't see the appeal.
It's like a glorified bath.
NICK
Jacob. Son. The hot tub is the
whole thing! You ski all day.
Then you hit the town, get trashed,
and lure some fine ladies back to
the lodge for some good old
fashioned tubbin'.
Nick CRACKS A BEER and pats Jacob on the back.
NICK (CONT'D)
So the town's dead? Fine, we skip
that part and go right to the tub.
Trust me. If there's fun to be
had, the tub is a good start.
Nick gets in.
NICK (CONT'D)
Yes! It's amazing.
Now it's just Jacob outside the hot tub. The other three
guys are already starting to look more energized and happy,
splashing around. After another beat of consideration...
JACOB
Fuck it.
Jacob strips down and gets in. As he submerges, he actually
starts to loosen up a bit and smiles.
LOU
Well?
JACOB
I'm not convinced this is anything
more than a bath, but it's nice.
NICK
Hit him with some bubbles.
ADAM
Coming right up.
Adam CRANKS A KNOB. As the BUBBLES comes to life, we begin a
TUBBIN' MONTAGE over Reel 2 Real's "I Like to Move It."
28.
-- In the tub, the guys DRINK like fish, pouring various
combinations of VODKA, RED BULL, MOUNTAIN DEW, BACARDI, and
anything else they can get their hands on.
-- Jacob's LAPTOP is propped on the edge of the tub, playing
BETTER OFF DEAD. Every so often, one of our guys takes a
drink, playing a game, the rules of which only they know.
-- Adam takes a big bite of the SANDWICH Lily gave him.
-- Nick uses his iPhone to take video and pictures.
More drinking games. The guys wear funny HATS and roll
dice on a PIECE OF WOOD. Adam has to drink some tub water.
-- The guys keep reaching into ADAM'S BACKPACK for MIXERS.
-- Nick, Adam, and Lou LAUGH. Then, Lou lifts up Jacob's
head, which he has been FORCIBLY HOLDING UNDER WATER. Jacob
coughs and spits out water and looks pissed. Then he smiles
and helps submerge Nick's head in the same way.
-- Slam! Another bottle of vodka killed. Crush! Another
empty Red Bull his the patio.
-- A BEAR eats some DORITOS that have been left on a PICNIC
TABLE. Yards away in the tub, the guys laugh and taunt it.
-- Lou BLEEDS from where the bear has obviously SCRATCHED HIM
across the chest. Still, he dances in the tub.
-- Just for an instant (did we see that?), the guys are 3
BLACK GUYS and ONE WHITE GUY, before changing back.
-- The guys wear their SNOWSUITS in the tub. Adam very
dangerously jumps in, attached to a SNOWBOARD.
-- The CUTS get QUICKER and QUICKER, as hands reach into the
backpack. More vodka. More Dew. More Red Bull. More
Bacardi... The cuts SPEED UP and INTENSIFY until finally in a
BRILLIANT FLASH OF LIGHT, we
EXPLODE TO:
THE SUN RISING JUST ABOVE THE MOUNTAIN PEAKS.
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - DAWN
As the light of a new day spills into Havenhurst, we find all
four of our guys PASSED OUT in the hot tub, the water calm.
A KITTEN licks Lou's face. It's adorable. Until...
29.
Lou JOLTS AWAKE and PUKES ON THE KITTEN, sending it FLYING!
This wakes up everyone and they stir to life, inspecting the
carnage, mostly hangover-related.
NICK
Oh my god, I wanna die.
JACOB
I need a vitamin water.
Adam reaches in his backpack, taking out two choices.
ADAM
Red Bull or Fresca?
Jacob takes the Fresca, as Lou inspects the CLAW MARKS.
LOU
That fucking bear got me good.
ADAM
Yeah he did.
LOU
But we showed him, didn't we?
ADAM
If by showing him, you mean we
laughed and he got bored and
wandered off into the woods with
your sneakers, then yeah, we got
him good.
LOU
Fuck yeah.
Lou picks up Adam's half-eaten sandwich and takes a BITE.
ADAM
You just puked.
LOU
That's why I'm eating your
sandwich. I'm fucking starving.
NICK
Guys, look...
Their gaze turns to the MOUNTAIN PEAK, on which is a fresh
LAYER OF POWDER. It looks like perfect skiing conditions.
ADAM
Let's do it!
30.
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
As the guys walk across the front of the lodge, they pass
some well preserved CARS all parked together: a 1985 Pontiac
Fiero, a 1986 VW Golf, and a 1987 Ford Mustang coupe.
JACOB
What is this, a shitty car club?
The guys COMPLETELY MISS the BILLBOARDS ACROSS THE STREET:
-- "Coming soon: the most spaced-out Mel Brooks film yet!
SPACEBALLS!"
-- A surfing MAX HEADROOM with a CAN OF COKE and the tag:
"Catch the Wave!"
-- A bull terrier named SPUDS MCKENZIE parking with some HOT
BABES and a shitload of BUD LIGHT.
EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY
In QUICK CUTS, the guys hit the slopes:
-- In his ridiculous snowsuit, Nick skis down the mountain.
With the new snowfall, he expertly glides along.
-- Jacob applies some LIP BALM and flies down the mountain on
a SNOWBOARD. People glare at him with confused expressions.
-- Adam uses the snowplow method to slowly descend. He's a
beginner skier. He takes the time to look at the
surroundings and notices a YOUNGER, HOTTER CROWD skiing
today. Lots of BLONDE SKI BUNNIES wearing PASTEL colors.
ADAM
Well this place has improved.
-- In the lift line, Lou passes a GUY wearing a BIG HEADBAND.
LOU
Really, asshole?
INT. GONDOLA - DAY
Adam shares a gondola with Nick, as they make their way up
the mountain. A DUDE IN SUNGLASSES sits across, napping.
Adam takes a FLASK out of his backpack. He and Nick look
over their shoulders like scheming kids as they take a nip.
31.
ADAM
I'm really glad we stayed. It's
gonna be good to get away for a
couple of days.
(QUALIFYING BEAT)
I mean not like I want to be away
from Lily. You know.
NICK
Believe me I know.
ADAM
I love her. But you guys are
right. I'm gonna be with her for
the rest of my life.
NICK
(NODS)
For the rest of your goddamn life.
ADAM
It gets easier, right? No offense,
but watching you talk with Courtney-
NICK
You're gonna be fine. You'll
settle in, get the premium cable
package - the usual deal.
Adam nods.
NICK (CONT'D)
You'll wake up every morning,
comforted by the fact that your
wife doesn't wield her family's
wealth over your head like a
hangman's noose.
Adam looks concerned, as Nick wistfully goes on...
NICK (CONT'D)
You'll breathe the air of life,
making the occasional decision -
maybe get some lawn furniture. How
about steak for dinner? Yes, let's
get that juice machine I saw on TV.
Let's fucking go for it.
Nick stares off into the distance.
ADAM
Nick?
32.
NICK
Sorry, I lost myself there.
DUDE IN SUNGLASSES (O.S.)
Coke?
Adam and Nick look at the guy across from them, who presently
offers his SKI GOGGLES, on which is a mountain of COCAINE.
NICK
That is a lot of cocaine.
ADAM
I feel like we're in Scarface.
Only with skiing.
(THINKS)
Skiface.
DUDE IN SUNGLASSES
(SNIFFS)
Take it. It's good shit.
NICK
I'm gonna pass.
ADAM
(DECLINES)
Yeah, I'm good.
The dude removes his sunglasses. He has a dead look in his
eyes, studying Nick and Adam.
DUDE IN SUNGLASSES
You guys a couple of spazzes?
ADAM
Spazzes?
DUDE IN SUNGLASSES
(VERY ANGRY)
Yeah, dipstick. You narcs? You
Miami Vice? Which one's Crockett?
Which one's CROCKETT?!
ADAM
I'm Crockett, obviously!
(TO NICK)
That's the Don Johnson one, right?
The dude flips out a SWITCHBLADE.
DUDE IN SUNGLASSES
You show me you're not spazzes.
33.
NICK
We're not spazzes.
The dude extends the coke once more.
DUDE IN SUNGLASSES
Show me.
EXT. MOUNTAIN / TOP - MOMENTS LATER
At the top of the mountain, Nick looks WIDE AWAKE. Adam, on
the other hand, looks COKED OUT OF HIS SKULL. He sniffs,
fidgets, clenches his jaw, and looks generally "up."
NICK
Adam, you gotta chill. You just
did one line.
ADAM
I've never ridden the horse before.
NICK
You're not riding the horse. The
horse is heroin.
Adam can't stop moving and fidgeting.
ADAM
I don't know what kind of animal
I'm riding, but it's the best
animal of all time. I feel great!
Adam uses his SKI POLES to push off the top of the mountain
and he goes FLYING DOWN THE SLOPE.
NICK
Adam! Jesus.
EXT. MOUNTAIN / SKI TRAIL - DAY - CONTINUOUS
Adam TUCKS down, still CLENCHING HIS TEETH. He PICKS UP
SPEED as he flies down the mountain like a racer.
FURTHER UP THE MOUNTAIN
Nick has to pull up and slow down in the name of safety.
34.
ON ADAM
He zips along, never changing course or slowing. He BARELY
MISSES a few TREES. But he can't stop himself before --
HE BARRELS INTO A SMOKING HOT CHICK!
The collision knocks Adam and the girl to the ground and
finally stops Adam's hyper-speed descent.
Adam gets up and shakes the cobwebs.
ADAM
What a rush!
He notices the girl on the ground and goes to help her up.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Oh wow, are you OK?
SMOKING HOT CHICK
No thanks to you, asshole!
IN SLOW MOTION --
The girl stands up in a very hot and awesome manner, SHAKING
THE SNOW from her luxurious blonde hair. It twinkles in the
sunlight. As she turns to face Adam,
NORMAL SPEED RESUMES. And he sees who it is:
ADAM
(MIND BLOWN)
Jennie O'Keefe!
Jennie squints at Adam, trying to place him.
JENNIE
Do I know you?
He stares at her, not believing what he's seeing. He still
looks loopy from the coke.
Just then, a a too-blond, mirror-sunglass-wearing, feathered
hair, striped-jumpsuited guy (BLAINE) SKIS UP and GRABS ADAM.
BLAINE
I'm gonna serve you a knuckle
sandwich, airhead.
(TO JENNIE)
You all right, babe?
JENNIE
I think so.
35.
Blaine's TOADIES (TAD and CHAZ) ski up behind him, as Blaine
ANGRILY RIPS Adam's lift ticket from his jacket.
BLAINE
Your lift ticket's been revoked.
Blaine throws it on the ground and laughs to his friends.
ADAM
(a la Lethal Weapon 2)
Diplomatic immunity.
Blaine looks confused, as Adam RIPS Blaine's lift ticket, but
he ends up RIPPING BLAINE'S JACKET too.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Sorry, I was trying to... you can
probably patch that up.
Blaine PULLS Adam close by the collar and clenches his fist.
BLAINE
You're dead meat, scumbag.
Just then, SNOW POWDER flies in Blaine's face. Blaine lets
go of Adam, as Jacob snowboards up and stops short, coming to
his brother's side.
JACOB
There you are! My brother's had a
few too many triple Venti nonfat
lattes if you know what I mean.
(genuine, to Adam)
Are you OK?
Adam nods. Blaine looks confused. CHAZ and TAD look
enamored with Jacob.
CHAZ
Dude, they let you bring a
skateboard on the mountain?
JACOB
It's a snowboard. You know - no
wheels.
TAD
Genius! Man, not to get all fag on
you, but I'm digging your fresh
threads, bro.
Adam and Blaine look equally confused with what's going on.
Jacob takes the compliment well, like he deserves it.
36.
JACOB
Thank you. It's mostly North Face.
A little EMS.
CHAZ
Whatever it is, it works.
TAD
Totally. What are you doing with
this boner? You should be skiing
with us. Like permanently.
Blaine looks really annoyed with his friends.
BLAINE
Guys!
TAD
I mean, that's if Blaine thinks
it's cool and everything.
Blaine takes a deep breath, annoyed.
BLAINE
(TO JACOB)
Get your spaz brother out of here.
And for his sake, I don't wanna see
him back on my mountain.
CHAZ
(EAGER)
You're welcome any time though!
Adam picks up his BACKPACK, which fell off during the
collision. He stares at Jennie again and smiles.
ADAM
You look JUST like this girl. I
had the biggest crush on her--
Blaine grabs the bag out of Adam's hand and SHOVES ADAM away.
BLAINE
This is mine now.
Adam looks at Blaine angrily, but Jacob holds him back.
JACOB
Come on. Let's just go.
Jacob ushers Adam off the slope, as Blaine shoulders the bag.
37.
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / LOBBY - DAY
Adam and Jacob walk in the front door. Gone are the children
and old people. The living room off the lobby presently
hosts what appears to be an amazing 80s RETRO PARTY. A radio
plays Miami Sound Machine's "Conga."
Girls and guys wear printed sweaters, feathered dos, and neon
leggings. It's something out of a mid-80s Aspen photo shoot.
Nick walks in behind them, looking as confused as them. He
turns up his palms and shakes his head, at a loss for words.
ADAM
What is going on?
Lou strolls up to the guys, with his arms around TWO HOT
CHICKS. He looks elated.
LOU
Guys! I'm so glad you're here. I
want to introduce you to Michelle
and Sandy. These lovely ladies are
having a roller skating party next
weekend and no offense, but fuck
your wedding -- I'm totally coming
back. By the way...
Lou rolls out a ZIPLOCK BAG full of cocaine.
LOU (CONT'D)
There's coke everywhere around
here. This place rules!
Lou dips into the coke and rubs it on his gums and we:
CUT TO:
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - LATE AFTERNOON
The suite looks a little "fresher." The furniture is the
same, but everything's in better shape. It looks almost new.
Adam, Jacob, and Lou sit in the main room with the TV on, as
Nick emerges from a bedroom.
JACOB
Has anyone else noticed that things
around here are weird as shit?
Adam and Nick nod. Lou shakes his head.
38.
LOU
Don't you ruin this. If you wake
me from this dream, I'll kill you.
ADAM
(IGNORING LOU)
What do you think happened?
JACOB
I have no idea, but look...
Jacob turns up the VOLUME on the TV. The NEWS airs.
NEWSCASTER (ON TV)
The Dow Jones Industrial Average
closed just above 2,000 today...
NICK
I'm ruined!
NEWSCASTER (ON TV)
In other news, the Tower Commission
has rebuked President Reagan for
not controlling his national
security staff in an arms-for-
hostages deal with Iran...
For a moment, the guys sit there in stunned silence. Then...
LOU
(with genuine emotion)
We're in 1971.
ADAM
(CORRECTING HIM)
We're in 1987.
Everyone looks stunned and dazed.
JACOB
What are we gonna do? I have plans
next weekend.
ADAM
We all have plans. It's my fucking
wedding!
NICK
Now hold on, we don't know for sure
that we're in 1987.
The TV shows a (real) COMMERCIAL for the COMMODORE 64
computer, with a JINGLE that SINGS: "Are you keeping up with
the Commodore, 'cause the Commodore's keeping up with you..."
39.
When it's over...
NICK (CONT'D)
OK, we're in 1987.
Adam stands up, completely losing it.
ADAM
What the FUCK is going on?!
Nick stands up and calmly takes charge.
NICK
Everyone relax. I think I know
what's happened. And when we're
done discussing it, we're all gonna
feel a lot better.
Everyone looks to Nick, who seems to have the answer.
NICK (CONT'D)
Two words: black hole.
He lets it hang in the air for a moment, as if it's suddenly
going to gel for everyone. But the guys look confused.
NICK (CONT'D)
I saw a special on the Science
Channel. And guess what?
Sometimes this happens.
ADAM
This happens?
NICK
Yes. And the best thing for us to
do is to stay put. The universe
will eventually reverse itself and
work out this little glitch.
Nick sits down, looking satisfied in his know-it-all-ness.
ADAM
This is a big glitch.
JACOB
Yeah, you're an idiot. Black holes
are in space. Not at a ski resort.
LOU
(HOPEFUL)
So does this mean we get to go to
girls' locker rooms and see them
naked and they can't see us?
40.
JACOB
No, we traveled through time.
We're not invisible.
Lou looks upset.
LOU
(under his breath)
I'm still gonna do it.
ADAM
Guys, ignoring the ridiculousness
of how we got here for a moment--
NICK
Black hole.
ADAM
How are we supposed to get back?
For a moment, everyone sits and absorbs the question. Then:
LOU
We find a scientist.
CUT TO:
INT. IBM / RECEPTION - LATE AFTERNOON
Our guys WAIT NERVOUSLY near a RECEPTION DESK, above which is
the "IBM" logo. Lou reads a MAGAZINE.
LOU
This Dukakis guy seems like he
might be the real deal.
An affable MAN IN A SUIT approaches.
MAN IN SUIT
Gentlemen, how may I help you?
NICK
We're waiting for a scientist.
MAN IN SUIT
I am a scientist.
LOU
Where's your white coat?
SCIENTIST
I'm not that kind of scientist.
41.
Lou stands up and throws down his magazine.
LOU
This is bullshit! I told you--
ADAM
Wait a minute. Just tell him.
NICK
OK. You tell him, Adam.
ADAM
Sir, we...
(EMBARRASSED)
This is ridiculous.
SCIENTIST
Nothing's too ridiculous in the
name of science.
JACOB
We're from the future.
SCIENTIST
Get the fuck out of here.
EXT. IBM OFFICE PARK - LATE AFTERNOON
A SECURITY GUARD escorts our guys out of the building.
ADAM
That went well.
Lou starts walking off by himself.
NICK
(TO LOU)
Where are you going?
Lou points to his watch.
LOU
Five o'clock. Happy hour.
The guys look at him, confused.
LOU (CONT'D)
If it's '87, the PF Chang's will be
gone, which means the Brew Haus
still stands.
(THEN)
It's Saturday. They have wet T-
shirt contests on Saturdays.
42.
The guys' eyebrows raise. After a moment:
ADAM
Well, maybe one drink. Just to
confirm.
INT. BREW HAUS - HAPPY HOUR
SPLASH! A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST is underway on a STAGE.
Whitesnake on the juke, PAC MAN on the tables, and cheap
beers in the mugs - this is an amazing brew pub.
Our guys sit in the back, wearing PINE VALLEY LODGE shirts.
There are MANY EMPTIES on the table and they look VERY DRUNK.
In a roped-off area in the corner, a cocky YOUNGER PHIL (the
one-armed bellhop) wields a CHAINSAW that he uses to carve an
ICE SCULPTURE, impressing the bar crowd. He has BOTH ARMS.
NICK
Holy shit. It's that bellhop.
JACOB
Should we warn him?
ADAM
(COVERS EYES)
I don't want to see this go down.
Phil TOSSES THE CHAINSAW IN THE AIR and...
He expertly CATCHES IT, seamlessly continuing to carve. A
GIRL leans in and gives him a kiss.
LOU
Fuck that guy.
ON THE STAGE, TWO GIRLS compete for wettest t-shirt. They
both decide that NO T-SHIRT is the wettest option.
NICK
God bless our country.
ADAM
(in a daze)
We're in 1987.
JACOB
You can stop saying that. I don't
think it's making a difference.
43.
ADAM
Seriously, we have to get back.
(kinda losing it)
We seriously have to get back!
The guys subdue Adam, as a BIG-HAIRED WAITRESS brings drinks.
WAITRESS
Here ya go, guys. Three Buds, one
Bartles and James.
The guys all stare at her like she's a museum artifact.
WAITRESS (CONT'D)
What? I have lipstick on my teeth?
Nick sips his WINE COOLER, feeling the eyes of the others on
him.
NICK
Hey, if it's available, I'm
ordering it. I always wanted one
of these when I was little.
The waitress puts down the CHECK. Jacob picks it up,
realizing something.
JACOB
(to the waitress)
Can you give us a second?
She walks away, as Jacob turns to the guys.
JACOB (CONT'D)
This is gonna be a problem.
He takes out his wallet, showing his CREDIT CARDS and CASH.
JACOB (CONT'D)
Guys, we're in trouble. Our cards
aren't gonna work and our new money
looks fake.
The guys look concerned, but then Nick notices something:
A TABLE FULL OF JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN.
NICK
I've got an idea.
As Nick gets up and approaches the businessmen, Adam looks
around the room and by the bar, he spots --
44.
Jennie.
He stares at her from across the room. Lou and Jacob notice.
ADAM
I still can't believe it's really
her!
LOU
She's aged remarkably well.
(REMEMBERS)
Oh, right. Why don't you just go
talk to her?
ADAM
I should go talk to her. To
apologize, of course. You know,
nothing inappropriate.
LOU
Sure...
Adam GETS UP. He slowly makes his way over across the room.
Jennie is talking to TWO OTHER GIRLS as Adam approaches. He
lurks near them like a creep. Jennie eventually notices him,
as he keeps stealing glances. She doesn't look happy.
JENNIE
(TO ADAM)
Listen putz, if you're gonna try to
attack me again, my boyfriend will
be here soon. He'll kick your ass.
Adam tries to be casual.
ADAM
No, no. No ass kicking. I just
wanted to say I'm sorry about
earlier. I lost control of the old
skis there.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Looks like I shoulda taken another
one of your classes!
JENNIE
When did you take my class?
ADAM
Certainly not when I was a kid! I
mean, that would make no sense!
Adam tries to recover.
45.
ADAM (CONT'D)
I was here for a convention. Power
tools. And regular tools. All
sorts of tools. I'm big into
tools. It was a couple years ago.
Jennie looks very suspect of Adam.
JENNIE
Yeah, OK. Have a good night.
Jennie starts to walk away with her friends.
ADAM
(TOO FRIENDLY)
Hey, where ya going?
She ignores him, but one of her friends quietly lags behind.
JENNIE'S FRIEND
(quietly, to Adam)
Are you with that guy over there?
She discretely points out Jacob.
ADAM
Yeah, he's my brother.
She takes Adam's PALM and writes something on it.
JENNIE'S FRIEND
There's a party later tonight at
this address. Make sure he comes
with you. He's way boss!
Adam walks back to his friends.
JACOB
How'd it go?
He shows them his palm.
ADAM
We got invited to a party later.
LOU
sweet! What are we gonna do until
then?
ADAM
How about figure out how the hell
to get back to the present day?
Nick walks back to the table and SLAMS down a pile of CASH.
46.
NICK
Bam!
LOU
We're millionaires!
NICK
Close. It's a thousand bucks.
ADAM
Where did you get that money?
Nick points out the Japanese Businessmen.
NICK
(PROUDLY)
Sold them my iPod.
Jacob looks incredulous.
JACOB
That was NOT a good idea!
LOU
I agree. You left so much money on
the table. It's a fucking iPod!
You could've gotten a LOT more!
JACOB
That's not what I--
ADAM
(looking at watch)
Fellas, we are not making progress
and we're losing time.
NICK
Adam, don't worry. Time's not
moving forward in the future.
JACOB
Uh, yeah it is. Lest we forget the
lessons learned from Bill and Ted.
NICK
Well then I give you Back to the
Future.
JACOB
That's not fair. You can't go
right to Back to the Future.
NICK
Why not?
47.
JACOB
Back to the Future had a time
machine.
NICK
Well so did Bill and Ted.
ADAM
(REALIZES)
Wait, that's it! I can't believe
I'm about to say this, but I think
we have a time machine.
NICK
Adam, all we did is get drunk in
the hot tub.
Everyone's EYES GO WIDE.
LOU
(puts it together)
A hot tub time machine.
CUT TO:
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - EARLY EVENING
All four guys soak in the tub. They TOAST with drinks.
ADAM
Here goes nothing!
They simultaneously DOWN their drinks. Nothing happens.
Like the chimps in 2001, each of them begins FIDDLING WITH
KNOBS and PUSHING ON LIGHTS, trying to find the magic button.
After a few moments:
NICK
Well, it was worth a shot.
ANGLE WIDENS to reveal other PEOPLE in the tub. A GUY AND
GIRL make out, two STONERS pass a joint, and one TOPLESS
CHICK just chills out.
LOU
(stares at girl)
I love this place.
As Lou pours himself another, Adam starts to lose it again.
ADAM
Guys, we're running out of ideas
here!
(MORE)
48.
ADAM (CONT'D)
I mean we tried the scientist, the
tub -- what the fuck do we do next?
Lou DOWNS ANOTHER SHOT and gets a crazy look in his eye.
LOU
I know what we do next.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY EVENING
A DELOREAN is parked in the empty lot. Adam, Nick, and Jacob
look at it, drunkenly and bleary-eyed. Adam and Nick trade
swigs from a BOTTLE OF WHISKEY.
The gull wing door opens and Lou steps out, in a foul mood.
LOU
Rental car agency fucked us!
There's no flux capacitor.
Lou pulls Jacob over and straps him in the driver's seat,
before walking around to the passenger side.
LOU (CONT'D)
(to Adam and Nick)
We'll travel to 2010. Then one of
us will come back and get one of
you. And so on and so forth.
INT. DELOREAN - EARLY EVENING
Lou sits in the passenger seat next to Jacob.
LOU
Go light on the clutch. I don't
wanna lose our deposit.
Jacob starts the car.
EXT. PARKING LOT - SAME TIME
Adam and Nick watch the car pull out of the parking lot.
ADAM
(SOBERING SLIGHTLY)
This will not end well.
49.
INT./EXT. DELOREAN - SAME TIME
Jacob and Lou hit the road, picking up speed. They pass a
COP, who pulls out, turning on his LIGHTS AND SIREN.
LOU
Oh shit, they found me! I don't
know how but they found me!
(LAUGHS)
I always wanted to say that. Punch
it!
Jacob HITS THE GAS.
LOU (CONT'D)
Let's see the look on this pig's
face when we hit 88 and disappear
into thin air! Yeah!
The SPEEDOMETER hits 75, 80, 85, and then 90. And then 95.
The car SHAKES VIOLENTLY.
LOU (CONT'D)
(SURPRISED)
This thing's a piece of shit.
Up ahead, the ROAD CURVES DRASTICALLY.
JACOB
Hey Lou?
LOU
Yeah?
JACOB
(VERY CALM)
We're doing a hundred. I can't
control this car.
LOU
(NODS)
I hear ya.
EXT. ROAD - EARLY EVENING
The Delorean BRAKES, but doesn't make the turn. It FLIPS
OVER in a fantastic disaster and comes to a stop in a DITCH.
The COP pulls over, gets out of his car, and DRAWS HIS GUN.
50.
EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY EVENING
Adam and Nick watch the accident from a distance.
ADAM
So do you think we should run away?
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - LATER THAT NIGHT
Looking ragged as hell, the four guys walk into the room and
silently collapse on various BEDS and COUCHES.
LOU
I wonder if we'll still be here for
our court appearance.
ADAM
If we're still here in four months,
I will happily go to jail, because
I'll be fucked anyway.
A GUY walks out of the bathroom, wearing only a TOWEL. He
looks startled.
TOWEL GUY
Who the hell are you dweebs?!
Lou is up IN A FLASH. He IMMEDIATELY DECKS THE GUY OUT COLD
and PUMMELS HIM on the floor! The others pull him off.
NICK
Jesus Christ, what the hell, Lou?!
LOU
I have no tolerance for intruders.
NICK
This is probably his room! We're
not registered here in 87.
Lou thinks for a moment and looks a "little" sorry.
LOU
I'm still pretty OK with it.
ADAM
You have a problem.
LOU
Just help me put him outside.
51.
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
The guys open the door to the suite and find TWO DUDES
walking by. Adam stops them.
ADAM
(AWKWARDLY)
Hey. Dudes. Our friend's...
hellaciously wasted. He partied
pretty hearty... to the max. To
the extreme max.
DUDE #1
Bodacious.
ADAM
So you guys wanna fuck with him or
what?
DUDE #2
Excellent.
The dudes take custody of the passed out TOWEL GUY and
continue on down the hall, as our guys go back inside.
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - NIGHT
The guys look physically exhausted.
NICK
Let's just go to sleep. We'll
figure everything out in the
morning. It's pretty late.
Jacob checks his watch, rolling his eyes.
JACOB
It's 8:45.
The other guys look at their watches, surprised.
NICK
Why am I so wiped out?
JACOB
Because you're old and lame?
LOU
Yeah, fuck that, we're going to
that party!
ADAM
We are not going to the party.
52.
LOU
Hear me out.
Lou paces around the room like Patton addressing the troops.
LOU (CONT'D)
We saw the scientist. He was
worthless. We tried the tub. Dead
end. I got us a fucking time
machine. From Hertz. It might as
well have been a Nissan.
Adam shakes his head, as Lou continues.
LOU (CONT'D)
Gentlemen, it's fucking 1987.
Nixon's in the White House, gas is
free, and we're about to put a man
on the moon!
ADAM
Did we go to the same school?
Lou turns and addresses Adam directly.
LOU
The point is you haven't even met
your wife yet! She can't fault you
for shit that went down 23 years
ago! Even if 23 years ago somehow
ends up being tonight!
Adam starts listening a little more closely, as some of Lou's
logic actually makes "some" sense.
LOU (CONT'D)
It's time to start facing the fact
that we may not be going home. And
if that's so, then we owe it to
ourselves to make the best life we
can for ourselves.
The guys listen intently, as Lou's speech reaches a
passionate climax.
LOU (CONT'D)
Because I don't want to be that
college freshman who spends the
first semester hiding in his dorm
room, only to realize that come
spring, he has no friends.
(MORE PASSIONATE)
No!
(MORE)
53.
LOU (CONT' D )
I want to be that college freshman
who fucks chicks way out of his
league before they have an
opportunity to realize he's not as
cool as he's pretending to be!
Nick nods. Even Jacob smiles.
LOU (CONT'D)
Are you with me?
ADAM
(CONFUSED)
I don't know.
LOU
Close enough. We'll talk some more
at the party.
INT. HOUSE PARTY - NIGHT
It's like the 80s exploded. Music, clothes, hair, attitude --
it's all on overdrive. In one section, PARTY-GOERS marvel at
DUCK HUNT, while in another area, people make out and dance.
Adam, Nick, Lou, and Jacob walk in the front door. They have
updated their "looks" with 80s sweaters and other era-
appropriate attire. They all look ridiculous, except for
Jacob, whose youth lends him hipster appeal.
ADAM
This sweater makes me look like a
jerkof f .
LOU
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
It's good to be home.
In a corner, Phil puts his ARM in a SHARK TANK. Just as the
shark goes to bite, he PULLS HIS ARM OUT, unscathed. A small
crowd claps. Our guys are confused and upset.
NICK
Was this like an 80s thing?
LOU
If he doesn't lose that arm soon,
I'm gonna take it from him myself.
With that, Lou wanders off toward another room, leering at
and groping girls as he goes.
54.
ADAM
(RE: LOU)
He's gonna be a problem.
Tad and Chaz walk over, looking dapper and douchey. They are
excited to see Jacob.
TAD
Hey, glad you could make it!
ADAM
(ANNOYED)
This is your party?
CHAZ
Hey man, no hard feelings, all
right? If your bro says you're
cool, then we're cool.
Tad puts his arm around Jacob and leads him into the party.
TAD
There's some people I want you to
meet. By the way, bodacious hair.
Incredibly chic.
JACOB
(FLATTERED)
Oh yeah? It doesn't really take
that much product. It's all in the
layering.
TAD
Whoa. Product. You're blowing my
mind right now. Did you spend time
in Europe?
CHAZ
Don't tell me. Prague. Do you
want some coke?
JACOB
Do you have Coke Zero?
TAD
Ah, a conscientious objector. I
like that. Gotta stay sharp.
IN THE KITCHEN
Nick mixes something in a large bowl, as plenty of EAGER
PARTY-GOERS look on. He pours a red liquid into a tray of
CUPS. An attractive PARTY CHICK follows his every move.
55.
NICK
These will be ready in 15 minutes.
PARTY CHICK
(putting it together)
So it's like jello. With vodka.
NICK
Mmm hmm. You get drunk while you
enjoy a delicious gelatin snack.
PARTY CHICK
How come no one ever thought of
this before?
NICK
Don't know. I just invented it.
Party chick looks into his eyes, dreamily.
PARTY CHICK
I appreciate you.
NICK
(way too heartfelt)
I love you.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
Lou PLAYS AN ELECTRIC KEYBOARD for about 15-20 people. He's
performing Ace of Base's "The Sign" and SINGING PASSIONATELY.
Adam walks up to where Jacob aims a large VIDEO CAMERA.
JACOB
He did a bunch of drugs and went on
a rant about how much he resents
Ace of Base.
ADAM
That band's from the 90s.
JACOB
I know. He made me borrow Tad's
video camera. He wants to document
the performance and sue the band
for infringement when we get back.
Adam sees Tad and Chaz behaving like cocks across the room,
making hot girls drink too much.
56.
ADAM
(re: Tad and Chaz)
So, you like these guys?
JACOB
They're rich, popular, and they
shower me with compliments.
They're pretty much the best
friends I've ever had.
ON A BALCONY
A CROWD gathers around Phil, who has removed the cover of a
SPINNING INDUSTRIAL FAN.
CROWD
Phil! Phil! Phil!
Like a zen master, Phil reaches out and GRABS A FAN BLADE,
stopping the fan WITHOUT INJURY. Everyone celebrates!
IN THE KITCHEN
Nick holds up a HOMEMADE BEER BONG, from which he drinks. He
has his own CROWD rooting him on.
NICK'S CROWD
Nick! Nick! Nick!
He finishes the last of the beer, and the crowd celebrates.
PARTY GUY
This guy should be in charge of
everything!
NICK
I should.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
Lou SITS ON A COUCH with Michelle, one of the girls we met
earlier at the lodge. Her friend Sandy sits across from them
next to Jacob, who looks uncomfortable.
SANDY
Truth or dare?
Lou confers with Michelle before answering.
LOU
Dare.
57.
Sandy and Jacob confer, figuring out the dare. Lou meets
Jacob's eyes -- he smiles, knowing Jacob has his back.
SANDY
OK, we dare Lou to put a Twizzler
up his ass.
Lou stands up and angrily points at Jacob.
LOU
You son of a bitch! Have you ever
played this game before? It's
supposed to be awesome!
Lou nevertheless grabs a TWIZZLER from the snack bowl and
shoves it down the back of his pants. His face contorts
uncomfortably and he is almost on the verge of tears.
LOU (CONT'D)
This is a horrible thing you're
doing and I hope you never have to
experience what I am currently
going through.
Lou sits down and Michelle consoles him.
MICHELLE
Your turn! Truth or dare?
Before Sandy can even confer with Jacob:
JACOB
(SMILES)
Truth.
Lou throws up his hands in frustration. He looks miserable,
as Michelle confers with him.
LOU
(grumbling to Michelle)
I don't care. Whatever. This is
not the point of the game.
MICHELLE
OK, each of you has to tell your
darkest, most personal secret.
Lou crosses his arms and shakes his head.
58.
JACOB
Oh wow, all right. Let me think.
I've never told anyone this, but I
was afraid of scary movies until I
was 18. I even ran out of the
theater a couple of times.
SANDY
Oh you poor thing! Come here...
She takes Jacob's head to her chest and strokes it gently.
Lou makes a jerk-off gesture.
SANDY (CONT'D)
(SHY)
I'm not sure I should tell mine.
MICHELLE
Come on! You have to!
SANDY
OK, but you can't laugh.
LOU
(WHO CARES)
We promise. Let's hear it.
SANDY
So this one time me and my friend
Lori took a train to Baltimore. It
was the summer and we wanted to
party, but we had no money. So
Lori found this businessman who was
also looking for a good time and
told him that we'd give him a half
and half for seventy-five dollars.
You know -- a suck and fuck.
Lou and Jacob look shocked with the MATTER OF FACT
storytelling. Michelle smiles. She's heard it before.
SANDY (CONT'D)
Anyway, we get him up to his room
and Lori starts going down on him,
but I really wasn't into it. So I
broke a piece of the bathroom
mirror and used it to cut his
artery on the-heck. Right here...
She rubs Jacob's neck, pointing it out.
SANDY (CONT'D)
He bled for about an hour before he
died.
(MORE)
59.
SANDY (CONT'D)
Afterwards, we took his wallet to
the bar and found out he only had
forty-seven dollars.
Michelle GIGGLES.
SANDY (CONT'D)
Michelle! You said you wouldn't
laugh!
MICHELLE
(GIGGLING)
I'm sorry!
Jacob and Lou look shell-shocked.
IN ANOTHER ROOM
Adam sits in a chair in the corner, secluded. To his LEFT --
Nick's in the kitchen, catching POPCORN in his mouth and
earning accolades from all his new fans.
To Adam's RIGHT --
The truth or dare game devolves, as Michelle PIERCES LOU'S
EAR. He screams in pain, but at the end, he has a GOLD STUD
in his RIGHT EAR. Lou points at Jacob.
LOU
Fuck you, your turn.
JACOB
That's the gay ear, you know.
As Adam looks STRAIGHT AHEAD --
He sees Jennie all by herself, browsing the hosts' CASSETTE
TAPE COLLECTION. Adam takes a moment to check himself. Then
he reaches for his DRINK and GULPS THE WHOLE THING, before
getting up and WALKING OVER to her, catching her off guard.
ADAM
So I lied to you earlier. I wasn't
here for a power tool convention.
Jennie instinctively looks around for her friends.
JENNIE
I know. You don't look like you
could handle power tools.
60.
ADAM
The truth is, Jennie, I've always
liked you. But I've never really
known you. I really wasn't
supposed to meet you again.
JENNIE
Who are you?!
Adam shrugs, indicating he might as well tell her.
ADAM
I came here from the future.
She rolls her eyes - she's heard all the one-liners.
JENNIE
Let me guess. You want to beam me
up to your spaceship built for two?
Or maybe you're wondering if these
are astronaut pants?
ADAM
Astronaut pants?
JENNIE
Because my ass is out of this
world? Give me a break, spaz.
I've heard them all.
She turns away. Adam goes after her.
ADAM
No! No spaceship. No astronaut
pants. Just regular time travel.
With normal pants.
JENNIE
OK, what's the punch line?
An ARM comes from behind and CHOKES ADAM. It's Blaine.
BLAINE
I thought I told you to stay off my
mountain, partner!
JENNIE
Blaine, stop!
BLAINE
You talking to my girl? Huh? I
can't hear you.
Adam fights to breathe, as Blaine chokes him harder.
61.
JENNIE
Blaine, that's enough! Let him go!
He can't breathe!
Blaine doesn't stop. He smiles like an asshole.
BLAINE
Can't breathe? Is that right? Can
you breathe, partner? What's that?
I can't hear you. Just tell me you
can't breathe and I'll stop.
Adam still struggles. Blaine just shrugs.
BLAINE (CONT'D)
He's not saying anything. I guess
he can breathe.
Jennie pulls on Blaine's arm, trying to free Adam.
BLAINE (CONT'D)
Babe, stop. Jennie, stop!
Blaine turns and accidentally ELBOWS JENNIE in the face. She
goes down. He releases Adam and turns to help her.
BLAINE (CONT'D)
Baby, I'm sorry.
(turns to Adam)
See what you made me do?!
JENNIE
Screw you, Blaine!
Jennie gets up. She grabs Adam's arm and YANKS HIM along
with her, as she storms away.
JENNIE (CONT'D)
(TO ADAM)
Come on, let's go!
Blaine looks ON FIRE, as he watches Jennie leave with Adam.
LOU (V.0.)
Sandy, I don't know what you did
with this wine, but it is
delightful.
INT. APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT
Jacob and Lou sit with Michelle and Sandy back at the girls'
apartment. The whole place looks like a Madonna concert.
62.
Jacob looks uncomfortable, but Lou pours on the polite charm.
SANDY
It's from a box. There's lots!
LOU
Mmm. Fantastic.
(QUICK TURN)
Do you mind if I borrow my friend?
We'll only be a moment.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT / BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Lou has Jacob PINNED AGAINST THE WALL with his arm. He
speaks quietly, but with purpose.
LOU
You're gonna fuck her!
JACOB
I'm not gonna have sex with her.
She killed a guy!
LOU
That guy was undesirable. You
heard her. It was about the money.
JACOB
Great, so she's a prostitute. I'm
not sleeping with a hooker either.
LOU
She's not a hooker. She's a girl
who did what she had to do to make
a few bucks.
(tries new tactic)
Listen, she's probably awesome in
bed.
JACOB
She probably has a hairy vagina.
LOU
Exactly!
Jacob looks confused.
JACOB
I'm not having this conversation.
It's pointless. I don't have a
condom.
63.
LOU
Perfect! Me neither! No one here
uses condoms. It's like heaven.
Only with a lot more coke.
Lou takes his COKE out of his pocket and SNORTS a bunch.
LOU (CONT'D)
How do I look?
JACOB
Like a fucking madman?
He slaps Jacob's arms.
LOU
Rock and roll.
Lou exits the bathroom and calls out to the girls.
LOU (CONT'D)
Who's ready to get laid by an
awesome penis?!
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / LOBBY - LATE NIGHT
Adam and Jennie are sitting on the floor by the fireplace,
playing MONOPOLY.
ADAM
Oooh, Atlantic Avenue. That's
gonna cost you.
JENNIE
How much?
ADAM
I'll tell ya what...
Adam moves her token up a few squares and makes a show of
looking over his shoulder, as if someone might see.
ADAM (CONT'D)
I'm not supposed to do this. But
I'm gonna upgrade you to Marvin
Gardens. It's a suite. Plus,
there's an excellent buffet and a
view of the pool.
Jennie laughs, despite herself. She looks around, as if
someone might see her. Adam notices.
64.
ADAM (CONT'D)
No one's gonna see you hanging out
with the creepy spaz. Don't worry.
JENNIE
I'm sorry I called you those names.
ADAM
Hey, it's cool. I was being creepy
and spazzy.
JENNIE
You're still not gonna tell me how
you know me?
ADAM
I'm from the future.
JENNIE
Fine, let's just drop it. I'm glad
you're feeling better. Blaine had
no right to hit you.
(SMILES)
I bet he's going out of his mind
right now.
ADAM
What are you doing with a douche
like him anyway? You're so much
better than that.
JENNIE
Yeah, well guys like you come to
visit. Guys like him live here.
ADAM
So if I lived here, I'd have a
shot?
For a moment, Jennie is thrown off. She's about to say
something, but checks herself. Instead she nervously stands.
JENNIE
I'm gonna get going.
Adam stands up with her.
JENNIE (CONT'D)
Thanks for being a good guy. I
don't remember the last time I had
this much fun playing such a stupid
game.
She gives Adam a sweet KISS ON THE CHEEK.
65.
JENNIE (CONT'D)
If you run into Blaine, you can
tell him I blew you. But that's
all. We didn't do anything else.
ADAM
(SURPRISED)
We didn't do anything!
JENNIE
(SMILES)
Shh. It's our little secret.
Jennie exits, leaving Adam confused.
INT. APARTMENT / BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT
In the darkness, we hear SOUNDS OF SEX. Moans of pleasure,
creaks of mattresses, multiple "yesses."
On TWIN BEDS that are a little too close to each other, Lou
and Jacob have sex with Michelle and Sandy. The girls and
Lou are vocal. Jacob is silent.
As Sandy rides him, Jacob notices some BROKEN GLASS on the
bedside table. He can't take his eyes off it, as Sandy's
hand keeps brushing up against the table.
Lou, naked, DRINKS A CAN OF TAB while he delivers the goods
to Michelle. He reaches over, mid-act, and hands the half-
empty can to Jacob.
LOU
Tab?
JACOB
Stop talking to me!
Despite the fact that this looks like very good sex -- it is
very bad sex for Jacob.
FADE TO:
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - LATE NIGHT
Adam is asleep in bed, as Jennie quietly enters the room. He
wakes up to find her wearing SEXY LINGERIE, as she CLIMBS ON
TOP of him.
ADAM
Jennie!
66.
He looks over and sees Nick SNORING in the other bed.
ADAM (CONT'D)
(WHISPERS)
What are you doing here?!
Jennie gives Adam a LONG WET KISS. He's freaked out.
JENNIE
I thought about what you said and
you're right. I should be with
you.
ADAM
I didn't necessarily say that.
JENNIE
I want you, Adam!
She RIPS OPEN her lingerie, revealing her AWESOME HEAVING
NAKED BREASTS.
ADAM
Oh my god!
She kisses him again and they start to go at it. Just then --
LILY (O.S.)
What the hell is going on here?
Adam pushes Jennie off him, as the LIGHTS GO ON in the room.
Lily is standing in the doorway, looking sad and angry.
ADAM
Lily?
LILY
So you do like her better than me?
ADAM
No, she just--
Adam looks to where Jennie just was, but now the bed is
covered with PHOTOS OF JENNIE. There's also a LARGE BOX OF
TISSUES and some HAND LOTION.
ADAM (CONT'D)
What's all this?
(LOOKS AROUND)
Jennie?
LILY
What's wrong with my vagina, Adam?
67.
ADAM
Nothing's wrong with it. It's
beautiful.
In the next bed, Nick rolls over and wakes up.
NICK
It's a beautiful vagina. Among the
prettiest I've ever seen.
ADAM
Stay out of it, Nick!
LILY
Would it be so bad to spend the
rest of your life with my vagina?
ADAM
No. It wouldn't at all.
Lily turns and walks out the door.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Lily, it wouldn't! I love your
vagina! I love your vaginaaaaaa!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - MORNING
Adam abruptly WAKES UP.
ADAM
(GROGGY MUMBLING)
Vagina... huh?
He sees Nick sitting on a bed on the other side of the room.
He's ON THE PHONE, talking quietly with someone.
NICK (ON PHONE)
I just really need to get a few
things off my chest. You're
domineering and you think you have
all the answers, but you don't.
Not by a long shot.
Nick is getting emotional.
NICK (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
You think you're better than me?
Last night I made jello shots and
everybody loved me.
(MORE)
68.
NICK (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
They didn't care that I only
brought home 60k last year. They
loved me for me. They didn't go
throwing their rich parents' weight
around.
(wipes away a tear)
I don't know, Courtney.
INTERCUT:
INT. CHILD'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
A 6-YEAR-OLD COURTNEY (Nick's future wife) listens to this
crying man on the other end of the phone.
6-YEAR-OLD COURTNEY (ON PHONE)
It's OK.
Nick CRIES a little bit harder.
NICK (ON PHONE)
It's so good to hear your voice. I
love you, princess. I really do.
You just make it so hard on me
sometimes.
6-YEAR-OLD COURTNEY (ON PHONE)
It's OK.
NICK (ON PHONE)
You're right. It's OK. I just
want it to be OK.
Adam starts registering some of this conversation.
ADAM
Who are you talking to?
Nick looks at Adam and covers the receiver.
NICK
Courtney.
ADAM
What do you mean "Courtney?"
Adam picks up ANOTHER PHONE.
ADAM (ON PHONE) (CONT'D)
Hello?
6-YEAR-OLD COURTNEY (ON PHONE)
Hello!
69.
Adam, freaked out, HANGS UP his phone.
ADAM
Get off the phone!!
But Nick is down the rabbit hole.
NICK (ON PHONE)
Baby, I gotta go. Just think about
what I said. We're so great
together. It's like when we're
having sex - the way our bodies
become one, as we both embrace the
passion of the moment--
On the other end, COURTNEY'S DAD has picked up the phone.
COURTNEY'S DAD (ON PHONE)
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!
Nick hangs up the phone and stares at it, freaked out. Adam
just shakes his head.
NICK
OK, so that may have been bad.
ADAM
What were you thinking?
The DOOR OPENS and Lou strolls in, looking quite fresh.
LOU
Guess who re-popped his 80s cherry?
This guy!
He points at himself in a celebratory manner, as behind him --
The Towel Guy whose room this is comes RUNNING UP.
TOWEL GUY
Hey, get the hell out of my room!
In one move, Lou catches him inside the room, closes the door
with his foot, and puts the guy in a HEAD LOCK. He then
converts it into a SLEEPER HOLD, putting the guy to sleep.
NICK
Oh, we're going to jail.
LOU
Help me put him in the closet.
70.
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER
The guys drop the sleeping Towel Guy in the closet.
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO -- MOMENTS LATER
Adam, Nick, and Lou take a soak in the tub.
ADAM
Has anyone seen Jacob?
LOU
He's grabbing drinks with Tad and
Chaz. Which is what we should do.
We'll start at the Brew Haus and do
a three drink crawl up the street--
Adam gets more fed up than ever.
ADAM
Guys! I refuse to accept that
we're stuck in 1987! Maybe you're
loving it, Lou. But you don't get
it. Nick's insane, Jacob's become
a bigger douche than before, and I
need to get back for my goddamn
rehearsal dinner? Which is
tomorrow!
LOU
(CALMLY)
Adam. I know I don't look like I
understand, but I do. You have a
beautiful fiancee who means more to
you than anything in the world.
And if you could, you'd literally
travel across time for her.
ADAM
Yes.
LOU
I get it, man. Life is about these
moments. Moments where a regular
Joe becomes a hero. Moments where
you dig deep and find the
motivation... the courage... the
guts to do what's right and what's
necessary. It's moments like
these...
Lou suddenly notices some COCAINE on the edge of the tub.
71.
LOU (CONT'D)
Jesus, how come nobody told me
there was coke out here?
Lou SNORTS A BIG LINE.
LOU (CONT'D)
What was I saying?
Adam and Nick get out and towel off. Lou follows.
ADAM
Maybe we have to learn something?
NICK
What do you mean?
ADAM
You know, like Groundhog Day. We
have to learn the meaning of life
or some shit.
Just then, a KITTEN licking a PUDDLE on the base of the tub
JUMPS in the hot tub and VANISHES IN A BRIGHT LIGHT!
For a moment, everyone is quiet.
LOU
(FREAKED OUT)
I've gotta stop doing cocaine and I
need to go to the hospital. I just
saw a fucking kitten explode.
NICK
I saw it too.
The guys run over to the tub. The bubbles are on low, but
there's NOTHING IN IT.
ADAM
It didn't explode. It vanished.
It went back... to the present.
LOU
This is the present.
ADAM
Our old present.
NICK
So it is the tub!
Lou POINTS at something.
72.
LOU
Um...
The HOT TUB IS NOT PLUGGED IN, and yet it's clearly running.
ADAM
OK. You guys know what to do.
CUT TO:
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - MINUTES LATER
The guys have a COUPLE BOXES OF KITTENS. One at a time, they
get in the tub and take turns DIPPING THE KITTENS. When
nothing happens, Lou DUMPS an entire box of kittens into the
tub. The cats get ANGRY and CLAW AT HIS FACE and body.
Eventually, the guys just shake their heads.
ADAM
This isn't working.
LOU
Maybe these aren't the right
kittens?
Adam points at him in a "now you're thinking" way.
ADAM
We'll split up. Get as many
different cats as you can. Let's
all meet back here in an hour.
LOU
You can count on me!
INT. BREW HAUS - DAY
Lou sits on a stool, munching on snacks. A TV shows the AFC
conference championship game between the Denver Broncos and
the Cleveland Browns. It's the 4th Quarter and the Browns
score with 5:43 remaining on the clock to go up by 7.
Two stools over, a SLICK-HAIRED ASSHOLE (RICK) sits with his
bored-looking HIGH SOCIETY TROPHY WIFE (CANDACE).
RICK
Yes!
LOU
Hate to tell ya, pal. Browns are
gonna lose by 3 in overtime.
73.
RICK
Eat shit and die, scumbag. I've
got ten large on this game.
LOU
Not only that, but I bet you
Elway's gonna throw a touchdown
with 37 seconds left.
RICK
Fat chance, pal. Elway's done
nothing all day.
LOU
Care to make it interesting?
RICK
Who the hell are you?
Lou thinks about the question for a moment.
LOU
Name's Musselman. Hank Musselman.
I've got a cool name, huh?
RICK
It's a good name. What did you
have in mind, Musselman?
LOU
I win -- your wife gives me a
blowjob. A classy one.
For the first time, Candace looks less than bored. She does a
bad job of feigning disinterest.
RICK
All right, buddy, fuck off.
LOU
You win -- you can kill me. Any
way you want. Knife, gun, torch,
sword... I'll even make a video
exonerating you.
RICK
Yeah, right...
LOU
I'm serious. You look like a man
who has everything. Except the
license to kill. Care to gamble?
Rick looks at Lou long and hard. Lou doesn't flinch.
74.
RICK
37 seconds?
LOU
Exactly.
RICK
You have a deal.
As Rick and Lou shake hands, Candace makes a show of looking
offended.
RICK (CONT'D)
(TO CANDACE)
Don't worry, babe. This yahoo's
made a wager he can't possibly win.
Lou picks up another HANDFUL of bar snacks. He puts them in
his mouth and shows it to Rick.
LOU
(MOUTH FULL)
Look. Who am I? I'm your wife.
Nuts in my mouth. Get it?
(TO CANDACE)
I like it slow and romantic.
EXT. PET STORE - DAY
Nick leaves a pet store, carrying a BOX OF KITTENS. On the
street, he accidentally bumps into one of the Japanese
businessmen from the night before. He has a THICK ACCENT,
like Gedde Watanabe in "Gung Ho."
NICK
Oh, sorry man.
(NOTICES HIM)
Hey! How's that iPod working out
for you?
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN
Oh, it's a very nice toy.
NICK
If you like that, I've got a phone
back at the lodge that will knock
your socks off.
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN
I wish I could see it. But I am on
my way to a very important business
meeting.
75.
NICK
Oh yeah? More important than
Bluetooth?
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN
My associates and I are co-
financing a... how do you say it...
supermarket business.
NICK
(SUSPICIOUS)
You're not going to Boston, by any
chance?
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN
Yes! Boston! We leave tonight.
NICK
You're gonna franchise out the
Gelman's Mom and Pop!
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN
Yes! How do you know this?
Nick puts his arm around the guy and walks down the street.
NICK
Walk with me a minute. Let me tell
you about some companies you should
really be looking into...
INT. THE DECK - DAY
Tad, Chaz, and Jacob enjoy drinks on a deck overlooking the
mountain ski slopes.
CHAZ
You really are a gas, Jacob. Tad
and I think you're the cat's
pajamas.
JACOB
Thanks. I like you guys, too.
A THIRD DOUCHEBAG arrives and gives a SECRET HANDSHAKE to Tad
and Chaz. He drops off a PILL BOTTLE. This is GEOFFREY
(pronounced JOFF-rey).
GEOFFREY
Gentlemen.
76.
TAD
Geoffrey, please meet Jacob.
Excuse his Jewish name. He really
quite exceeds it.
Jacob looks confused by that, as Geoffrey shakes his hand.
GEOFFREY
Jacob, would you like some too?
He offers a pill bottle.
JACOB
What is it?
CHAZ
Rohypnol. Geoffrey's father is a
pharmacist, but we don't hold that
against him.
JACOB
Rohypnol?
TAD
You slip it to a chick who won't go
to third. Give it an hour and
you'll be rounding home.
JACOB
(SURPRISED)
This is a date rape drug.
GEOFFREY
(LAUGHS)
What the fuck is date rape?
JACOB
These are roofies!
CHAZ
Roofies... I like that!
TAD
Yeah, it takes the clinical name
right out of it. It sounds so
fresh, chicks might even take it
voluntarily!
(TO JACOB)
Hey, can we use that?
Jacob looks beside himself.
77.
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - AFTERNOON
A GUY and a GIRL are using the hot tub, which is still hot
and bubbly, despite the fact that it isn't plugged in.
Nick and Lou sit at the table, as Adam approaches with CATS.
ADAM
I got regular cats. I figured
maybe the kitten was a fluke.
Nick takes the box out of his hands and puts it down.
NICK
Come here.
He leads Adam near the tub, where Lou points at something.
LOU
There!
ADAM
What am I looking at? It's some
kind of stain.
LOU
Smell it.
ADAM
I'm not smelling it.
LOU
(NODS ENCOURAGINGLY)
Smell the stain.
Adam puts his nose up against the stain and SNIFFS. He
recognizes something, but can't put his finger on it.
ADAM
What is that?
NICK
Red Bull.
GUY IN TUB
Hey, you fellas mind? I'm trying
to get a handjob here.
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - AFTERNOON
Our guys sit and absorb the impact of what they've learned.
78.
ADAM
So you're telling me that Red Bull
plus hot tub equals time travel?
LOU
(NODS PROUDLY)
Mmm hmm. Hank Musselman's getting
the Nobel Prize.
ADAM
Who the fuck is Hank Musselman?
NICK
There was just enough Red Bull for
the kitten. Not nearly enough for
a human. It's a weight
distribution thing.
ADAM
How did you even figure this out?
LOU
Scientific method.
NICK
He bet me 20 dollars I wouldn't
lick the stain.
LOU
I thought it was some guy's jizz.
ADAM
What's wrong with you?
LOU
It worked, didn't it?
NICK
Yeah, except one little problem.
There's no Red Bull in 1987.
For a moment, they're all bummed again. Then Adam gets an
encouraged look on his face.
ADAM
Yes there is! Come on!
Adam heads for the door, as Lou and Nick follow.
EXT. BUNNY SLOPE - DAY
Jennie instructs a group of TEENAGERS on the basics of
skiing, as Adam approaches, with Nick and Lou in tow.
79.
JENNIE
(CONCERNED)
You can't be here. If Blaine sees
you, he'll snap your neck. I told
him I blew you and he's not happy.
ADAM
Why would you do that?!
Behind Adam, Nick looks at the group of TEENS and his eyes
almost BUG OUT. He elbows Lou.
NICK
(whispers, teeth clenched)
Look.
Lou looks to where Nick is looking:
YOUNG ADAM, YOUNG NICK, and YOUNG LOU wait with other kids
for Jennie to return to their lesson.
LOU
Holy shit!
Lou immediately approaches the kids, even as Nick tries to
hold him back.
NICK
(TEETH CLENCHED)
where the fuck are you going?!
Lou walks right up to his YOUNGER SELF and looks himself
square in the face.
YOUNG LOU
What the hell do you want, old man?
Lou PUNCHES his YOUNGER SELF in the face. Young Nick and
Young Adam are freaked out, as is regular Nick. Adam doesn't
notice, as he's arguing with Jennie.
YOUNG LOU (CONT'D)
What the fuck, dude?! I think you
broke my nose! My parents are
gonna sue the shit out of you!
LOU
Herschel and Evelyn aren't gonna do
a damn thing. They're losers.
YOUNG LOU
How do you know my parents?
80.
LOU
Listen to me. Start putting
minoxidil on your scalp. Tonight.
Then, when Propecia comes on the
market, start taking it. Every
day. Hair is important.
YOUNG LOU
I don't give a shit about hair.
LOU
You will!
(leans in, quietly)
Or I'll tell everyone about how you
jerked off to that issue of
Playgirl.
YOUNG LOU
(QUIETLY)
It was confusing! There were naked
people and it had "girl" in the
title!
LOU
Hey, you don't have to justify to
me, pal.
YOUNG LOU
(FREAKED OUT)
Who are you?
LOU
I'm God.
ON ADAM AND JENNIE
JENNIE
Fine. You wanna see Blaine? It's
your funeral. He's in the
warehouse at the end of Lawrence.
Good luck.
EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY
Adam walks off the mountain with Nick and Lou.
LOU
Moment of truth.
Lou takes off his hat and feels his scalp - no hair.
81.
LOU (CONT'D)
(LOOKS BACK)
That fucker!
Just then, Lou's NOSE SLIGHTLY SHIFTS, the result of being
broken and never fixed. It stays this wa for the rest of
the movie.
Lou touches his nose.
LOU (CONT'D)
Oh, that's just great.
Jacob runs up, in a friendlier disposition.
JACOB
Hey guys!
ADAM
I thought you were with douche
patrol.
JACOB
Yeah I was. But it turned out
those guys are date rapists.
ADAM
Ah.
NICK
Adam, where are we going?
Adam gets a look of determination again.
ADAM
To get my bag. We get that, we
have the Red Bull, and our ticket
home.
LOU
Yes! The race is on!
ADAM
What race?
LOU
Duh, it's 1987? We're at a ski
resort?
(SHAKES HEAD)
Disputes like these are settled
with a downhill ski race. Usually
at dawn. It's the law.
82.
ADAM
You're an idiot.
INT. WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON
Adam and the guys step into a warehouse. WET FLOOR, CHAINS
hanging from the ceiling for no reason, STEAM rising from
grates. As they enter, Chaz pulls down a large GARAGE DOOR.
Up ahead, Blaine sits on some CRATES with Tad.
BLAINE
Welcome to my lair.
ADAM
You live here?
NICK
Yeah, this is kind of a shitty
place to live.
BLAINE
I don't live here.
Adam approaches Blaine, trying to speak maturely.
ADAM
Look. Blaine. I think we got off
on the wrong foot. You have some
issue with me.
BLAINE
You get blown by my girl? I'll say
that's one hell of an issue.
LOU
Whoa! You got blown?!
ADAM
She didn't blow me. She lied to
you to make you jealous. I'm not
trying to steal Jennie. I just
wanna get my bag.
BLAINE
Oh, your bag. I was wondering when
you'd come around for that.
Tad holds up the BACKPACK over by the crates.
ADAM
Yeah, I'll just take it and get out
of your way.
83.
BLAINE
You will?
Adam EXTENDS HIS HAND.
ADAM
Whattya say? Can we work this out
like gentlemen?
Blaine PULLS A KNIFE. Tad and Chaz also PULL KNIVES.
NICK
What is this town's obsession with
knives?
BLAINE
(MENACING)
How about I work this out like... a
butcher?
Just then, LIGHT SPILLS INTO THE DARK WAREHOUSE. A GUY in a
polo shirt stands in a dooorway.
GUY IN POLO SHIRT
Hey! Scumbuckets! Back to work!
Like naughty children being caught red handed, Blaine and his
goons lose the knives and hustle toward the open door.
Blaine grabs the backpack from Tad.
Adam and the guys follow through the door and into --
INT. SUNGLASS HUT - DAY
Adam, Nick, Lou, and Jacob are confused, as Blaine, Chaz, and
Tad spring to action, helping CUSTOMERS choose sunglasses.
Jacob approaches Tad and Chaz, who look embarrassed.
JACOB
You guys are posers! You're not
better than me!
TAD
Jacob, I wish you hadn't seen us
like this.
Adam stands near Blaine, who helps a WOMAN.
BLAINE
(TO WOMAN)
These would look so good with your
light complexion.
84.
ADAM
Listen asshole! I want my bag!
BLAINE
(TO WOMAN)
Will you excuse me for a moment?
Blaine walks behind the COUNTER and SHOVES THE BAG in a SAFE.
BLAINE (CONT'D)
Safe's on a timer. It'll open
tomorrow. We race at dawn. Winner
gets the bag. Loser leaves town.
Lou turns to Nick.
LOU
See? I told you!
ADAM
(TO BLAINE)
I don't wanna race you.
BLAINE
Then I guess you don't want your
bag.
(SMIRKS)
See you at dawn.
ADAM
Your girlfriend sucks one hell of a
mean dick.
Adam makes a SLURPING SOUND and Blaine fumes.
EXT. HAVENHURST MAIN DRAG - LATE AFTERNOON
Nick, Lou, and Jacob walk behind Adam, who looks pissed.
NICK
What are we gonna do?
LOU
That chick blew you?!
ADAM
(INTENSE)
I've got a race to win.
Europe's "The Final Countdown" begins playing over a MONTAGE:
-- Skis are sharpened.
85.
-- Gear is polished.
-- In the SUITE, Adam gets dressed in his GEAR.
-- On a SMALL HILL, Jacob demonstrates some moves on skis.
Adam doesn't get it. He's keeps falling.
-- On the hill, Jacob teaches Adam how to SNOWBOARD. Adam is
having an easier time standing up on the snowboard.
-- The guys keep Adam awake and use a homemade SCALE MODEL of
the mountain to formulate a plan, a la Iron Eagle.
-- Back on the hill, Jacob and Adam snowboard next to each
other. Adam makes it by a couple of obstacles. Jacob looks
proud of him.
-- The guys play an ATARI SKI GAME, trying out a strategy.
Jacob uses a POINTER, looking disappointed.
-- On the hill, Adam easily maneuvers by a few trees on the
snowboard, kicking up snow and HIGH-FINING Jacob.
EXT. MOUNTAIN / TOP - DAWN
SLO-MO HERO SHOT of our four guys, as they ascend the top of
the mountain. If we didn't know any better, it would look
like Tony Scott directed a ski movie.
END MONTAGE.
EXT. MOUNTAIN / TOP - DAY
A few yards away from Nick and Lou, Adam sits on the ground,
as Jacob helps him strap into the snowboard.
JACOB
Just stick to the plan and you're
gonna be fine.
Adam looks at Jacob seriously for a moment.
ADAM
Jacob, I'm sorry for not always
being the big brother I should've
been. I was away at college, Mom
gave you my Sega - there were a
whole host of issues.
Jacob nods and speaks genuinely to Adam too.
86.
JACOB
I know. I'm sorry too. I put a
few things before my family and
took my guilt out on you.
(puts it together)
I guess it was an inevitable I'd
end up part of a roofie ring.
Adam smiles and extends his hand.
ADAM
Friends?
Jacob takes Adam's hand and helps him to his feet.
JACOB
Brothers.
They EMBRACE. Lou looks disgusted.
LOU
Gay.
Blaine and his goons approach from below. Adam puts on his
game face.
ADAM
I didn't think you guys would show.
BLAINE
This was my idea.
ADAM
It's gonna make my victory taste
all the more sweeter. Like a Peach
Snapple.
BLAINE
A what?
ADAM
You'll see.
Blaine actually looks rattled, as the two men get lined up.
Adam is on a SNOWBOARD.
BLAINE
What's that?
ADAM
You're not afraid of getting beat
by a guy on a skateboard, are you?
87.
BLAINE
I've seen you in action. You're
reckless and terrible.
ADAM
Reckless and terrible's my middle
name. Because I feel the need...
(pulls on goggles)
for speed!
Chaz holds out his arm as a starting line.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Catch ya at the bottom.
CHAZ
3, 2, 1... GO!
Blaine takes off down the mountain like a professional
skiier, which he pretty much is. Adam looks toward Jacob,
who demonstrates the proper CROUCH. Adam slowly picks up
speed, starting at about one mile per hour.
Blaine looks back and can't believe how easily he's gonna
coast to victory.
ADAM
Here goes nothing.
Instead of weaving back and forth, Adam just stays in the
crouch, PICKING UP SPEED. He recklessly PASSES BLAINE,
despite the many TREES and OBSTACLES on the course.
He BEARS DOWN AND TRAVELS LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING!
Blaine finds the guts to alter his STYLE, skiing more
recklessly too. He begins catching up to Adam.
Blaine skis up next to Adam - they're both going full force.
BLAINE
You can't beat me! I was born on
this mountain!
ADAM
I was born in a hospital like a
normal baby!
Adam bends down and picks up even more speed, NARROWLY
MISSING trees and rocks. Blaine tries to keep up.
Adam has the finish line in his sights, when he rolls the
dice once too often. His SNOWBOARD GETS SNAGGED on a rock
and Adam TUMBLES TO THE GROUND.
88.
The SNOWBOARD FLIES OFF INTO THE AIR!
CUT TO:
EXT. MOUNTAIN / BASE - DAY
Phil stands against a SHED, as a GUY THROWS A HATCHET at him,
just narrowly missing his arm. Phil FLEXES HIS MUSCLES, as a
HOT CHICK KISSES HIM.
Then the SNOWBOARD FLIES INTO FRAME and SLICES OFF PHIL'S
ARM, sending BLOOD SPLATTER EVERYWHERE!
PHIL
Ahhhh! My arm!!!
EXT. MOUNTAIN / TOP - DAY - SAME TIME
Lou watches with BINOCULARS and PUMPS HIS FIST.
LOU
Yes!
EXT. MOUNTAIN - RACE - DAY
As Adam tumbles on the ground, Blaine smiles, thinking he has
the victory in the bag.
But instead of stopping, Adam picks up speed, as he TUMBLES
LIMB OVER LIMB, like a snowball going down the mountain.
With 50 YARDS to go, Blaine bears down and tries to catch
Adam. It's gonna be close.
At the FINISH LINE, Adam's CRUMPLED BODY passes the line
first. Blaine pulls up, pissed off to lose the race.
Adam's momentum carries him forward another 50 yards, where
he SMASHES INTO A DECK and finally comes to a stop.
CUT TO:
A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS!
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - LATE AFTERNOON
A large "BON VOYAGE" BANNER hangs in the room.
89.
An ALL-OUT PARTY is going on in the guys' suite. GUESTS
party everywhere, helping the guys celebrate.
Sandy and Michelle flirt with the two dudes who took brief
possession of the Towel Guy yesterday.
The Coke Guy from the gondola talks with the Brew Haus
Waitress.
Adam's leg is in a CAST, as he sits at a table with Jacob,
Nick, and Lou. The OPEN BACKPACK is in front of them. They
DRINK and TOAST.
NICK
You did it, man.
ADAM
Ah, it was nothing. I just fell
down the mountain.
NICK
It was a beautiful fall.
Lou goes into Adam's backpack and pulls out the SANDWICH,
which he begins unwrapping.
ADAM
(DISGUSTED)
Tell me you are not going to keep
eating that.
Lou takes a bite and SHRUGS.
LOU
Chicken parm. It's my favorite.
ADAM
Chicken parm?
Adam takes the sandwich from Lou. He looks at it closely.
ADAM (CONT'D)
(LAUGHS)
Chicken parm. On this roll.
The guys look confused, as Adam stares at the sandwich.
JACOB
Adam, what is it?
FLASHBACK TO:
90.
INT. FRENCH RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Adam and Lily nervously make eye contact at the front of the
restaurant, as a SNOOTY HOST shakes his head.
ADAM (V.0.)
It was our first date. You know
those nights that are just perfect?
This wasn't one of those nights.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DARK
Adam and Lily sit through "From Justin to Kelly," the
American Idol movie. They don't enjoy themselves.
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Adam inspects a HUGE DENT in the side of his car. As he does
so, a car drives by, SPLASHING A PUDDLE on Lily.
ADAM (V.0.)
If Lily knew where we were, I'm
sure she would've walked home. And
I wouldn't have blamed her.
EXT. ITALIAN DELI - NIGHT
In the RAIN, Adam and Lily run toward the entrance of a
little deli. Inside the doorway, a LITTLE OLD WOMAN shakes
her head no. Adam pleads with his eyes and she lets them in.
INT. ITALIAN DELI - NIGHT
Adam and Lily sit and talk animatedly at the counter in the
small, empty deli, eating SANDWICHES.
ADAM (V.0.)
We were so hungry by the time we
found that deli, we would've eaten
anything. So what if it wasn't
foie gras and pino noir. It was
chicken parm and Italian soda. And
it couldn't have been more perfect.
BACK TO:
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - DAY
The guys enjoy listening to Adam's story.
91.
NICK
That sandwich was special, huh?
ADAM
You could say that. You could also
say it gave me horrible diarrhea.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. ADAM'S APARTMENT / BATHROOM - NIGHT
Adam SHITS HIS BRAINS OUT. When it looks like. he might be
done, he turns around and VOMITS into the toilet.
INT. ADAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Lily waits by the bathroom door with some PEPTO and a GLASS
OF WATER. She looks very concerned.
ADAM (V.0.)
Lily had every opportunity to
leave. She didn't know me at all
and she certainly didn't owe me
anything after the night I put her
through. But she stayed.
INT. ADAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Adam lays on the couch, his head in Lily's lap. She feeds
him a little GATORADE. He keeps it down... for a moment.
Then he turns and VOMITS into a BUCKET on the floor.
ADAM (V.0.)
She saw me at my worst and she
stayed.
Lily holds the bucket, as Adam pukes into it.
BACK TO:
INT. PINE VALLEY INN / SUITE - DAY
Nick, Lou, and Jacob look sick.
ADAM
Don't you see? This is more than a
sandwich. It represents all that
shit. All that puke.
92.
LOU
Keep the sandwich.
JACOB
This is disgusting.
ADAM
She gave me this as a reminder of
her love.
(THINKS)
Or to give me horrible diarrhea so
I didn't leave the room during the
bachelor party. But mostly as a
reminder of her love.
Adam holds up the sandwich.
ADAM (CONT'D)
This is the reason I need to go
home.
Adam stands up and walks toward the door with the sandwich.
ADAM (CONT'D)
I'm gonna go prep the tub.
Lou holds up a BAG OF CHIPS.
LOU
Do you have any stories about these
chips or can I eat them?
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - CONTINUOUS
Adam walks outside, taking a bite of the SANDWICH. He finds
Jennie waiting in the TUB.
JENNIE
There you are!
ADAM
Jennie! What are you doing here?
JENNIE
Making good on a rumor.
Jennie STANDS UP in the tub and she's TOPLESS.
Adam DROPS THE SANDWICH, shocked.
ADAM
Whoa.
93.
Jennie continues talking, shamelessly exposing herself.
JENNIE
When I saw you win that race
against Blaine, everything changed
for me. I realize now that I
deserve more. I deserve a winner.
(SEDUCTIVE)
Come and get your prize.
Adam reaches next to the tub and hands her a ROBE.
ADAM
Yeah, I... can't.
She covers up, embarrassed.
JENNIE
Oh my god. I missed my
opportunity.
ADAM
No, I'm not sure there ever was an
opportunity. Jennie, you're
terrific. You've brought me so
many moments of joy, you'll never
know. But I shouldn't have given
you the wrong idea.
Jennie looks sad and vulnerable, as Adam talks.
ADAM (CONT'D)
The truth is there's a girl I need
to go see. We have plans to spend
the rest of our lives together.
And I can't wait any longer.
(listening to himself)
And I'm totally cool with it.
Adam smiles, feeling the rush of knowing he's ready. But
then he sees how sad Jennie is. He moves closer to her.
ADAM (CONT'D)
One day, you're going to find the
right guy who's willing to give up
everything and travel across time
and space for your love.
She nods and tears up a little bit, as Adam HUGS her.
JENNIE
(EMOTIONAL)
I would totally blow you right now.
94.
ADAM
I know you would.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
The guys stare at the tub, which continues to bubble, even
though it's not plugged in.
NICK
We don't have to go yet, Adam.
Things are just getting fun.
JACOB
And we can do whatever we want
without any real consequences.
That's a lot to give up.
ADAM
(NODS)
That's how I know I'm doing the
right thing.
Adam reaches in his backpack, but can't find the Red Bull.
He turns it inside out and shakes it -- nothing.
JACOB
Where's the Red Bull?
BLAINE (V.0.)
You looking for this?
Across the patio, a drunk, disheveled Blaine holds the CAN.
BLAINE (CONT'D)
You couldn't leave well enough
alone, could ya? You couldn't just
win the race and call it a day?
You had to have Jennie too.
ADAM
I don't want Jennie.
BLAINE
That's funny. I don't want this
soda, either.
Blaine smiles like an asshole. Adam's face goes desperate,
as Blaine OPENS THE CAN and DRINKS THE WHOLE THING.
ADAM
Nooooo!
95.
Adam runs at Blaine and tackles him to the ground. On the
ground, Adam BEATS THE LIVING HELL out of Blaine, messing up
his face. It makes the Jared Leto scene from Fight Club look
tame. Eventually, Adam's friends pull him off.
Adam crawls to the Red Bull can and it's empty.
ADAM (CONT'D)
(DESPERATE)
Why?
Lou takes Blaine's pulse.
LOU
Holy shit! You may have killed
this guy! No wait... wait... I've
got a pulse. Eh, so much for that.
Nick puts his hand on Adam's shoulder.
NICK
I'm sorry man. I'm really sorry.
ADAM
The Red Bull's gone. He fucked us.
JACOB
Not necessarily.
Everyone looks toward Jacob.
JACOB (CONT'D)
The Red Bull isn't really gone.
(points to Blaine)
It's in him.
A beat, as everyone sorta gets it.
NICK
It's worth a shot.
TIME CUT TO:
EXT. PINE VALLEY INN / PATIO - MOMENTS LATER
Adam, Nick, and Jacob sit in the tub. Adam crosses his
fingers.
Lou stands outside the tub, fully dressed.
ADAM
Come on, Lou.
96.
LOU
Nah, I'll take a rain check.
NICK
What are you talking about?
LOU
Listen, your lives at home sound
all beautiful and happy with your
barbecues and swimming pools and
"oh, that sandwich reminds of some
gay shit I did one time."
Adam and Nick don't look thrilled to be reduced to this.
LOU (CONT'D)
But my life back there sucks. And
in case you haven't noticed, my
life here fucking rules. So I have
a coke problem? I'll go to rehab.
I have no money? I'll stop winning
sex and start winning dollars.
Lou DRAGS BLAINE by the foot closer to the tub.
LOU (CONT'D)
Guys, I was tailor-made for 1987.
And you'll excuse me, but I value
banging young chicks way more than
all of your friendships combined.
(THEN)
No offense.
Adam, Nick, and Jacob kinda nod and understand.
ADAM
Yeah, no, I get it.
Lou goes around and gives them all hugs.
NICK
Makes perfect sense, man.
Lou squeezes Jacob's shoulder.
LOU
I don't hate you as much as I used
to.
JACOB
(a little emotional)
I hate you a little less also.
Lou LIFTS BLAINE'S LIMP BODY.
97.
ADAM
OK, whenever you're ready, Lou.
LOU
One small step for man! One giant
asshole puking in a hot tub! Here
goes nothing!
Lou does the HEIMLICH MANEUVER on Blaine. It takes ONE...
TWO... THREE THRUSTS until Blaine PUKES IN THE TUB! For a
second, it's just a BIG SPLASH of VOMIT and nothing else.
NICK
OK, well maybe if we--
A BRIGHT FLASH CONSUMES THE SCREEN! And when it dies down,
we see Adam, Nick, Jacob (and the floating puke) in the hot
tub where we left them.
Only Lou is missing.
ADAM
What happened? Did it work?
NICK
I didn't feel anything.
JACOB
(DISAPPOINTED)
Guys, look.
They see PEOPLE walking by, wearing COLORFUL FLARED-OUT SKI
ATTIRE. The place looks the same as it did two seconds ago.
NICK
Dammit. Even the deck furniture's
the same. We fucking blew it. It
didn't work.
ADAM
Where's Lou?
LOU (O.S.)
Right on schedule!
Lou walks toward them, but there's a lot that's "off" about
him, including HAIR PLUGS, JEWELRY, and a SHITLOAD OF PLASTIC
SURGERY (including a fixed NOSE) that makes him look at once
older and younger.
NICK
Ahhh!
98.
LOU
Oh, the face, eh? I was curious
how you'd react.
(DISAPPOINTED)
Didn't think you'd be scared.
ADAM
Lou?
LOU
You're damn right it's me.
ADAM
What happened?
LOU
You just traveled 23 years in three
seconds. Took me 23 years. It's
good to see you guys!
JACOB
We're back? It all looks the same.
LOU
It better! You know how much I pay
the groundspeople around here? A
lot. But that's all right, I'm
fucking loaded. Look at all this.
Everyone looks confused.
ADAM
Will you fill in some of the blanks
for me, please?
LOU
I'll give you the short version,
because time is of the essence.
First of all, to settle an old bet,
time most definitely has been
moving forward. It is exactly
three days since you've arrived
here in beautiful Havenhurst.
Jacob looks at Nick.
JACOB
Told you.
LOU
Secondly, I'm filthy rich. Made
sports bets. Sued Ace of Base. I
own most of V
ermont. (MORE)
99.
LOU (CONT'D)
I've been reimagining the state as
my own personal playground. You
could say I'm a little bit like
Michael Jackson, except I don't
fuck kids.
Two YOUNG HOTTIES walk by and wave at Lou.
LOU (CONT'D)
I do fuck them, though. Haven't
gone above 24 years old in 10 years
and even then, it was a mistake.
(REMEMBERING)
A horrible mistake.
ADAM
Wait, fuck, Lou what time is it?
LOU
Way ahead of you, Adam. You have 2
hours to get to New Jersey in time
for your rehearsal dinner.
ADAM
(DISAPPOINTED)
Great, I blew it.
LOU
Not even a little bit. I have a
helicopter waiting in the parking
lot and a private jet on my
airfield five minutes away.
The guys look stunned.
LOU (CONT'D)
I had some time to plan. God, it's
good to have you guys back!
EXT. PRIVATE AIRFIELD - AFTERNOON
Lou's private jet takes off from the runway.
INT. PRIVATE JET - AFTERNOON
The guys sit back and enjoy the plush surroundings and the
beautiful FLIGHT ATTENDANTS aboard Lou's jet.
LOU
By the way, Adam, I hope you don't
mind. Right after you left, I
fucked Jennie silly.
100.
ADAM
Why would she have sex with you?
LOU
You get the big time assist. All
that talk of her finding the right
guy who's willing to give up
everything? Made her wetter than a
log flume.
(SMILES)
She's all-time top five.
ADAM
Good to hear.
NICK
Lou, I gotta ask you something.
LOU
Time travel paradox.
NICK
Exactly. Aren't there now two of
you living here in 2010?
LOU
Think really hard about that one.
What happened to me when I was 19?
Nick shrugs. He looks at Adam. Suddenly, both their eyes
nearly pop out of their skulls.
NICK
No way...
ADAM
You went missing and were never
found.
LOU
Yeah, you're gonna have some
lingering memories of both
versions.
ADAM
Wait a minute, what happened to...
you know. Other Lou.
LOU
You don't wanna know.
ADAM
Lou...
101.
LOU
The kid sucked, OK? He couldn't
take even a little bit of
direction. Pretty soon I realized
that having two versions of the
same dude walking around -- as cool
as that sounds -- didn't make very
much sense to me.
NICK
OK?
LOU
So I took care of the problem.
NICK
What did you do?
LOU
I had to do it.
ADAM
What did you do?
LOU
I killed myself.
ADAM
Jesus Christ.
LOU
Yeah, it was really some
existential shit. I mean, here I
am committing homicide and I'm
actually committing suicide.
NICK
How could you?
LOU
It was easy actually. For a
minute, I thought I might be
dealing with that whole Timecop
thing. You know, the same matter
can't occupy the same space at the
same time bullshit and we both go
poof? Especially after that whole
nose thing. But no, it was just a
murder. I didn't suffer.
ADAM
I don't wanna hear any more.
102.
LOU
It was strangulation.
ADAM
I don't wanna hear any more!
They sit in horrified silence for a bit.
LOU
You'll have to introduce me when we
get there. Your families won't
know me. Although I'm sure they're
huge fans.
(ABRUPT)
So hey, getting married, huh?
Taking the plunge!
Adam looks disturbed. Nick looks confused.
NICK
This makes no sense at all.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Lily looks beautiful, surrounded by FAMILY and FRIENDS.
Still, she looks distant and lonely. Until --
A LILY (the flower) comes into frame.
Lily smiles and stands up. She turns around. Adam's
standing there with a whole bouquet of flowers. Lily gives
him a BIG HUG AND KISS. When she's done:
LILY
Don't you ever let me take your
phone again!
ADAM
(COY)
I'm here on time. Just like I
promised.
Nick sits down next to COURTNEY and Jacob takes his seat.
ADAM (CONT'D)
(no nerves at all)
I'm so happy to see you and I can't
wait to spend the rest of my life
with you.
LILY
(TEARFUL)
Me too!
103.
ADAM
You're the one.
Lily notices Adam's on CRUTCHES.
LILY
Oh my god, what happened?
LOU (O.S.)
My fault entirely, madam!
The room is ABUZZ with CHATTER, as Lou makes a nearly REGAL
ENTRANCE, wearing a WHITE TUXEDO.
GUY AT TABLE
Hey, it's Lou Blustein!
The whole room APPLAUDS Lou, as he walks in. Adam and the
guys can't believe it.
LOU
I was partaking in a little ski
adventure and I mistakenly wandered
into your fiance's path. His
broken leg is my broken heart. My
most humble apologies.
Lou scrapes and bows and regally kisses Lily's hand. She
looks genuinely flattered.
Lou gets up and whispers to Adam.
LOU (CONT'D)
See? I'm awesome here. You
shoulda stayed out of that tub.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - LATER
Nick SLOW DANCES with Courtney.
NICK
I was thinking we'd invite Adam and
Lily over for dinner when they get
back from their honeymoon.
That's... if it's OK with you?
COURTNEY
Why wouldn't it be OK with me?
That sounds nice.
(SMILES)
(MORE)
104.
COURTNEY (CONT'D)
You look so good in this shirt, by
the way. Nice choice.
She puts her head on Nick's shoulder as they dance.
NICK
So... how are your parents?
COURTNEY
Still working hard. I really wish
they could retire already, but it's
tough competing with the big
chains. I mean, they just have the
one store...
FLASHBACK TO:
EXT. HAVENHURST MAIN DRAG - 1987 - DAY
The Japanese Businessman is on a PAY PHONE, speaking RAPIDLY
in Japanese.
JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN
(IN JAPANESE)
Hiro-san! Cancel the paperwork!
We have to get back to Tokyo. I
have inside information that
undermines the supermarket deal.
Nick stands next to him, nodding and SMILING WIDELY.
BACK TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - PRESENT DAY
Nick enjoys dancing with his mellow, awesome wife.
NICK
(SMILES)
You know what they say about hard
work. Builds character.
BY THE BAR
Adam orders drinks, as his PHONE RINGS. He picks it up and
in an instant, JACOB IS STANDING RIGHT BEFORE HIM as a VERY
REALISTIC HOLOGRAM.
ADAM
Ahh!
105.
JACOB
This is why we shouldn't have sold
that iPod.
Adam puts his hand through Jacob, who speaks with purpose.
JACOB (CONT'D)
The Japanese have apparently
cornered the technology sector over
the past 20 years. We've dealt
American businesses quite an
irreparable blow.
ADAM
What does that mean for us?
JACOB
Pretty much nothing for us
personally. We just get cooler
phones and iPods and shit.
ADAM
Oh. Great!
Jacob CLICKS OFF and disappears, as Lily approaches. Adam
can't help but beam from ear to ear.
ADAM (CONT'D)
You're so beautiful.
LILY
I know you were only gone for a
couple days, but I missed you so
much.
Adam takes her hand.
ADAM
Come on, let's get out of here. We
have unfinished business.
Lily smiles. She gets into it.
LILY
It's about time. OK, what's the
fantasy?
ADAM
(GENUINE)
How about you're the woman I love
and I'm the man of your dreams?
LILY
Booor-ing!!
106.
ADAM
OK, you're a nurse and a snake bit
my penis.
LILY
Done and done.
They bolt for the door and we
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - LATER
The party is winding down and only a FEW GUESTS remain. At a
table in the corner, Lou has an EXTENDED MAKE OUT SESSION
with a STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL GIRL in her early 20s.
They finally come up for air.
LOU
So you're friends with the bride?
BEAUTIFUL GIRL
Can you keep a secret? I'm
actually kinda crashing the party.
LOU
Naughty girl. You're secret's safe
with me.
BEAUTIFUL GIRL
I'm just in town for a couple of
nights. I'm actually looking for
my father. We've never met.
LOU
I'm from here. Maybe I know him.
BEAUTIFUL GIRL
His name is Hank Musselman.
For a moment, Lou's expression FREEZES. He blinks. Then --
LOU
No, never heard of him.
He goes back to MAKING OUT WITH HER and we:
FADE OUT.
THE END
| Hot Tub Time Machine
Writers : Josh Heald
Genres : Comedy Sci-Fi
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