LARRY CROWNE
Written by
Tom Hanks
From a story by
Tom Hanks & Nia Vardalos
Nov. 2009
FADE IN
SUNRISE
Big and orange and full of hope, as sure as fate. A dawn as
promising as, well, this new day...
Sun is rising over...
A flat roof that stretches to the horizon. A vast expanse.
A plain of gravel-embedded tar, studded with...
HVAC units and power lines, the kind that service a huge
commercial building. In fact this kind of building...
A UNIMART store. A flagship of savings; a mother lode of
low, low prices. 100,000-and-then-some square feet of the
Consumer Economy...
PARKING LOT
Empty thus far. A few EMPLOYEE autos arriving in their
assigned slots far from the entrance. One of those cars is a
old, not so vintage nor classic convertible...
KARMANN GHIA -- Belonging to...
LARRY CROWNE - A man as reliable (and predictable) as that
rising sun.
Actually, he's a Team Leader of this Unimart, dressed in his
un-sexy, un-fashionable, un-flattering khaki pants and
Company Polo.
Larry has had the ragtop down. He wrestles it up, locks the
cover into place.
He doesn't just walk to work, but s t r i d e s across the
asphalt field like a Sultan of Sales; a Viscount of Discount.
He cheers co-workers at the start of the day, shouting
encouragement, flashing thumbs up, knocking on car doors and
squeezing shoulders...
DOROTHY GENKOS (PRE-LAP)
A seven-speed Mix-o-Meter Food
Processor! $21.69!
AVERY (PRE-LAP)
Sweatpants! Two pair! $6.69!
2.
INT. UNIMART - DAY
The morning Circle of Sales! Employees and their wares.
Larry stands, yet to speak, ready for his moment of
pronounced enthusiasm...
TEAM LEADER #1
Fifteen foot jumper cables - 69
cents a foot!
TEAM LEADER #2
Chocolate turtles! 69 cents a
pound bag!
Go, Larry! Wave that merchandise!
LARRY CROWNE
Three-pack of men's elastic waist
mid-thigh boxer shorts! $2.69!
FREEZE!
Words fill the screen.
THIS IS LARRY CROWNE
Hold. Hold. Hold. AND...CONTINUE.
ALVAREZ (TEAM LEADER)
Four Toby Jug beer steins - $2.69!
TEAM LEADER #3
MP3 Player the size of a bottle
cap! Something and 69 cents!
TEAM LEADER #4
Duck Blind print sheets for a queen
size bed. $7.69.
ALL
Shop UniMart! Where United, you
save!
Larry Crowne leads the High Fives.
MENSWEAR DEPT - LATER
Larry controlling the aisles like an Admiral at a Battle
Map... stacking a mountain of tube socks... stocking those
briefs ... hanging "Metallica" Speedos on little hangers...
helping CUBBY - a very skinny and disinterested Janitor -
clean up some baby up-chuck as the baby up-chucks again.
3.
MOMMY
Too much mac & cheese for this
little pickle bug!
LARRY CROWNE
They do love the comfort food.
Don't you, Li'l Pickle Bug...
Imagine any duty and see how Larry gets it done...
EXT. UNIMART PARKING LOT - LATER
Larry is collecting loose shopping carts, steering them into
pairs, triplets, sextuplets, then riding them into the cart
pen like a Trail Boss...
LATER
That same up-chucking baby was riding on the coin-pony and up-
chucked again. Larry is cleaning it all up.
A beat-up CAR with a BIG STORK PIZZA sign stuck on its roof
pulls right up to the front of the store, parking in the
Handicapped Space.
LARRY CROWNE
Buddy. Park there and you'll get a
ticket.
PIZZA KID
Call a cop, doof. I'm gone in
sixty seconds.
(a dozen pizza boxes)
You guys having a party?
INT. MEETING ROOM 2 - UNIMART - LATER
The BIG STORK PIZZA BOXES have been raided for slices.
A RETIREMENT PARTY is going on. A SIGN reads "Good Luck
Dorothy Genkos!" The name has been printed over the last
person to retire. People are cutting loose as best they can
at a NO-ALCOHOL Corporate Fete.
None more than Larry. Who is organizing a MOSH PIT for
DOROTHY GENKOS, an old lady. This is a fun group.
Over in the corner, though, is the Front Office Staff: COX,
STRANG, ANDREWS and HURLEY (Female).
4.
STRANG
Finally. Dotty G. and her forty-two-
K a year are history. Who else
would do us that favor?
ANDREWS
Wish they'd all sail off like her.
Save us some grief.
STRANG
The "R" Bomb is going to do some
collateral damage to this place.
Hurley is shocked!
HURLEY
"R-Bomb"? Oh my god! Restructuring?
COX
Separating the chaff from the
wheat. Chaff is the bad stuff,
right?
HURLEY
Chaff is the waste matter, correct.
When are we restructuring?
COX
Before E.O.Q. Them's our orders.
Hurley looks sick. She hates this.
STRANG
What say we drop a brick in the
pond to warn the herd?
ANDREWS
How?
STRANG
Firing someone.
COX
Someone they'd never expect to be
let go. To look fair. I like it.
STRANG
Like a Team Leader.
HURLEY
Team Leader?
STRANG
5.
COX
Suggestions on who it should be?
STRANG
I say Crowne.
HURLEY
Larry Crowne?
Strang rolls his eyes.
STRANG
Who else? Avery won't retire. We
fire him, it's a law suit.
AVERY - Old. Black. Happy.
STRANG (CONT'D)
Alvarez is about to drop a kid.
She'll go part time in a week.
ALVAREZ - Heavy with child.
STRANG (CONT'D)
Crowne's pink slip will save 'da
"U" big green backwash.
COX
What Salary Tier is Crowne at?
ANDREWS
Top of the pyramid with a C.O.L.
bump at the first of the year.
COX
Sweet. We'll need Actionable
Cause, of course.
They all agree: "Yeah. Sure. Of course..."
COX (CONT'D)
How's his review record?
HURLEY
He's a candidate for Employee of
the Month. His 22nd time.
COX
Okay. So. Sluggers, gimme a
reason...
Larry has organized a Limbo Contest.
6.
HURLEY
We could use the Limited Horizons
strategy.
(EXPLAINING)
Larry will always be passed over
for Management. He never went to
college.
COX
You're that familiar with his
record?
STRANG
She was his squeeze for a few
weeks, weren't you, Vick?
HURLEY
That was before the New Employee
Covenants. That you even
remember...
STRANG
The memory haunts me.
ANDREWS
He'll sock us for severance.
STRANG
Big brick in the pond, though.
COX
Let's call it. Today, end of
shift, UniMart bids Crowne adieu.
LARRY is dancing up a storm.
EXT. UNIMART - PARKING LOT - LATE AFTERNOON
Less cars. Fewer shoppers. Heading into the night shift.
INT. UNIMART - ELECTRONICS - LATER
Larry is the only Team Leader still on duty and sober. He is
fastidious in his work.
The P.A. System blares. It's incomprehensible. He pays no
attention. VASQUEZ -- a HUGE Security Guard -- comes by.
VASQUEZ
LC Why still here?
7.
LARRY CROWNE
Team Leaders zone departments
before punching out. It's policy.
VASQUEZ
I mean here here. You just got
paged to Meeting Room 2.
The P.A. blares again. Now they can hear it -- sort of.
LARRY CROWNE
Probably to clean up after the
party.
VASQUEZ
Isn't it Employee of the Month Day?
Larry brightens. That is what it must be.
LARRY CROWNE
Speck-tack-alar.
Flushed at the prospect, Larry gives Terrorist Fist Bumps.
VASQUEZ
You're the only one around here who
deserves it. How many will this
be?
LARRY CROWNE
Ah, who's counting?
He flashes his fingers: twenty two!
INT. MEETING ROOM #2 - SAME
Larry Cr wne soars into the room. Cubby is cleaning up the
substantial mess. The Front Office Team has taken seats.
LARRY CROWNE
Remember how we saw "The UniMart
Way" video, Vick? You and me,
alone in this room, and look at us
now.
Hurley has a frozen face. Larry looks at Andrews' smile.
STRANG
Cubby. Make tracks.
The Janitor literally drops everything and leaves
8.
LARRY CROWNE
I think I know what this is about.
STRANG
I don't think you do.
COX
Crowne. At UniMart, we care. So
we take care. Which makes moments
like these tough for all of us.
LARRY CROWNE
Sounds like you're firing me.
Larry is joking.
STRANG
I take it back.
COX
Corporate has mandated a
restructuring in all UniMart
stores. That's the word they use.
I call it a pain in the touchas.
(THEN)
It is touchas, right? Where you
get kicked?
HURLEY
Yeah. A yiddish word.
ANDREWS
Like the buttocks.
HURLEY
Touchas and buttocks. Synonymous.
COX
Hurts to get kicked back there, no
matter what language you speak.
Larry now gets it.
LARRY CROWNE
UniMart is firing me...
STRANG
Crowne-ie, you did a heck of a job.
LARRY CROWNE
Why me?
9.
ANDREWS
Who do you suggest? Alvarez?
Avery? I don't think so.
LARRY CROWNE
Why not Strang?
Strang snorts.
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
I've been here longer than you,
Jack. I started 21 years ago as an
Inventory Associate at the store on
Euclid.
Hurley takes over, as blank as a tax-form.
HURLEY
Seniority would preclude this
reality, Larry, but UniMart's
policy is to never limit your
horizons.
Larry Crowne has no idea what that means.
COX
Here's the prob: your lack of a
graduate degree will forever retard
any move up the management ladder.
STRANG
Becasue you never went to college
you're forever retarded.
LARRY CROWNE
I won't make the Front Office?
STRANG
Never.
(shows his college ring)
S. M. U. Class of '86! Go 'Stangs!
It's true.
LARRY CROWNE
I went in the Navy. Right outta
high school. Five years, and by
then...
COX
Thank you for your service to our
country, Larry. And, in total
seriousness to UniMart too
10.
LARRY CROWNE
I thought I was Employee of the
Month.
STRANG
In a way, you are.
Larry can't believe this. Nor can he move.
LARRY CROWNE
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. I'm going to lose
my house...
COX
The timing on this is always a
bitch.
LARRY CROWNE
Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys.
Guys. Guys. Guys. We can fix this.
Can't we fix this?
COX
Really wish we could.
(THEN)
Vick? The generous severance
package?
She has a folder with posted "Sign Here's."
HURLEY
Sign here. Here. Here. Initial
that. Sign here. One more. Done.
Strang finds one last piece of party pizza.
EXT. UNIMART PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
Vasquez helps Larry put down the ragged top of his car.
VASQUEZ
12 jerks I'd fire before you.
May walk away from UniMart myself.
LARRY CROWNE
Stick it out. You go to college?
VASQUEZ
Couple years. Then I blew out my
KNEE
11.
LARRY CROWNE
Thanks for seeing me off.
VASQUEZ
I need your apron, man.
(AGAIN)
Your apron. Says UniMart on it, so
it ain't yours.
Larry unharnesses himself from that which is not his. Hands
it over. Branded. Scorned as the one let go...
VASQUEZ (CONT'D)
Thanks.
(WALKING AWAY)
Goofy car, man.
EXT. INTERSECTION - LATER
Larry pulls up at a red light. From his hands-free speaker
jerry-rigged on his dash, we hear ON-HOLD Music.
RECORDED VOICE
Then, we hear the engines of SCOOTERS -- at least a dozen of
them. They surround his car -- both lanes -- and the chatter
of the riders as they scream over their engines as they AD-
"Remember, you always have a friend
at RiverBank..."
LIB where they are going next...
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD (OVER PHONE)
Laurie Gammelgaard thank you for
holding how may I help you?
Larry has to shout over the SCOOTER SQUAD ruckus.
LARRY CROWNE
I was holding for Barry Raphael in
Home and Real Estate?
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
Mr. Raphael is no longer with the
bank. How can I help you?
LARRY CROWNE
Barry is gone? I need to talk to
someone in Home and Real Estate.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
12.
The SCOOTER SQUAD has made their decision and peel out --
VROOM, YEOOW...
LARRY CROWNE
(reading his ATM card)
I wish! I'm Customer number 566
7878 2031 339 and I can be there in
three minutes!
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD (OVER PHONE)
As long as you are here before six,
okey dokey.
ZZZZZMMMM, BLAARREE... The scooters are gone, but Larry is
still yelling...
LARRY CROWNE
Three minutes!
INT. RIVERBANK BRANCH - LATE AFTERNOON
Larry sits at Gammelgaard's desk looking at his own records,
sipping complimentary coffee that is ghastly.
LARRY CROWNE
What happened to Barry Raphael?
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD (PRE-LAP)
Barry Raphael was harassing the
younger tellers but we are not
supposed to admit that.
(THE PAPERS)
This is some kick in the head.
Not sure what to tell you, Mr.
Crowne.
LARRY CROWNE
I m hoping not to lose my house.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
You're carrying what on the house?
LARRY CROWNE
$291,987.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
Two Ninety-two K. That's trouble.
Three years ago I'd have loaned you
$700,000, but I think you read the
papers.
LARRY CROWNE
13.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD No.
She gets a brochure: "The RiverBank Survival Plan!"
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD (CONT'D)
But RiverBank does have a plan for
you.
(THE BROCHURE)
In a few weeks your financial base
will tell us what we can do. Find
new employment. Liquidate
everything low on the Value Index.
Stick to a budget. Clip coupons,
buy in bulk, you know the drill.
Then come back and we'll work with
you.
LARRY CROWNE
That's RiverBank's plan for me?
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
It is Friday, Mr. Crowne...
EXT. DERBY COURT - EVENING
This is Larry Crowne's street.
This is Larry Crowne's house.
His car parks in the driveway and he steps out, taking a
minute to survey what he may lose.
KIDS play down the street under a streetlight... An ELDERLY
NEIGHBOR is watering his lawn with a hose... A GUY is playing
with his DOG... One house always has Christmas lights.
Another has a handicapped ramp up to the front door....
EXT. LAMARR'S HOUSE - KITCHEN WINDOW - SAME
Lamarr lives across the street from Larry, and is looking out
the window as he prepares to light a scholarly looking pipe
LAMARR
Larry's home a little late tonight.
His wife, PATIENCE, is sitting at the table, pouring over
catalogs..
PATIENCE
Maybe he was out on a date.
14.
LAMARR
We'd see that on the news.
He is about to light up with a match...
PATIENCE
Don't even think about lighting
that up in my house.
INT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - EVENING
HIS UNIMART POLO SHIRT
He is holding it in his hands.
THE LAUNDRY ROOM
Larry is about to throw the thing away, but then puts it and
some fabric softener in his washer.
LIVING ROOM - LATER
Mood music plays from the Crowne Vinyl Library, a complete
wall of LP's. Alphabetized... We can see into the...
KITCHEN
Larry sits in his breakfast nook with an old laptop computer
and a pot of coffee.
An on-line job application... Mega-Save. Larry is entering
his data. He comes across that part of any application that
will forever be daunting to him.
EDUCATION/ COLLEGE
What can he do, but enter the truth?
NONE.
More On-line Applications flash by....
Plug-It-In Center...Education/ College -- Didn't Go
White Front House and Home ... Education/ College -- High
School! Go, Navy!
Furniture Planet ... Education/ College -- Is it necessary?
Patterson's Appliances ... Education/ College -- Masters
Degree: School of HARD KNOCKS!!!
15.
Larry stops. This may be futile. He looks about to give up.
But then, he thinks.
He stands. Thinks some more...
IRONING BOARD
Unfolds like a piece of high tech assault equipment. The
iron breathes hot fumes... spray starch plumes like jet
exhaust.
Larry Crowne is ironing his nicest shirt and his best khakis
to perfection.
He is focused. Intense. And good at ironing...
EXT. MEGA-SAVE - MORNING
Larry is with the first customers of the day, dressed to
impress in those well-ironed clothes. He strides right in to
the giant store.
LATER
He strides right out.
EXT. PLUG-IT-IN CENTER, PARKING LOT - MORNING
Larry is getting out of his car, putting on a good face, and
heading inside.
LATER
He gets right back into his car.
EXT.. WHITE FRONT HOUSE AND HOME - PARKING LOT - LATER
Larry is driving past the front windows of the store.
Resurrection Letters scream "LOST OUR LEASE! EVERYTHING MUST
GO!!!"
INT. FURNITURE PLANET - LATER
Way back in the rear of the store, behind a false panelling a
furniture store should be ashamed of, Larry has filled out
another application and is waiting for someone to give it to.
A PLANET STAFFER finally shows her head.
16.
LARRY CROWNE
How do I offer this up to
Personnel?
PLANET STAFFER
There should be a box to put it in.
Larry finds a box.
LARRY CROWNE
This?
PLANET STAFFER
No. There should be another box.
LARRY CROWNE
There isn't.
PLANET STAFFER
That's the one, then.
Larry is alone again - ignored as he applies for this job.
EXT. PATTERSON'S FAMILY APPLIANCES - GARDEN AND PATIO - LATER
MR. PATTERSON is a busy man while talking with Larry.
MR. PATTERSON
If you emailed an application,
we've got it and we'll keep you in
mind.
LARRY CROWNE
Just following up with an in-person
visit.
MR. PATTERSON
Mission accomplished.
LARRY CROWNE
You have a great location here.
MR. PATTERSON
Not with UniMart half a mile away.
LARRY CROWNE
I used to work for UniMart! I
could spill you some 411.
MR. PATTERSON
What's that mean?
17.
LARRY CROWNE
I know their trade secrets.
MR. PATTERSON
What secrets? Traffic boosters,
loss leaders and bait and switch!
LARRY CROWNE
And I'm ready to learn new
strategies. I'll stop by again so
you can keep me in mind.
MR. PATTERSON
If you won't work Sundays, don't
bother.
LARRY CROWNE
I'll work every day.
MR. PATTERSON
That's what I already do...
Mr. Patterson goes back to work as Larry slinks away.
EXT. A RESTAURANT ON RESTAURANT ROW - DAY
Establish that this is where many restaurants are located.
EXT. RESTAURANT ON RESTAURANT ROW - SAME
Larry sits in his car. The last thing he wants to do is work
in a restaurant -- we'll find out why later on. But times
are tough, no?
Out he climbs, resigned to fate...
EXT. BACK OF RESTAURANT #1 - DAY
By the dumpster, Larry is asking a CHEF on his smoke break if
they hav op nings.
INT. RESTAURANT #2 - WALK-IN REFRIGERATOR - DAY
Now he's asking some HEAD COOK pulling cutlets.
INT. HUGE KITCHEN OF HOTEL RESTAURANT - DAY
Larry is talking to CHEF AMOS, who runs the place.
18.
CHEF AMOS
Oh, I remember you. Larry Crowne.
I never forget anyone who quits on
me.
LARRY CROWNE
As I recall, I gave my notice and
worked all my shifts and that was
12 years ago.
CHEF AMOS
As I recall, I had to hire and
train a line cook to take your
place. Walking out doesn't happen
in a vacuum, you know.
(THEN)
Doesn't mean I wouldn't give you a
job again. But you've been out of
the business a long time, and look
around. I don't need you.
The place is fully staffed and rocking. Larry will not be
working here.
EXT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Larry's scooter is parked near the entrance.
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - SAME
Larry is seated at the counter. PERRY pours him coffee as
RAUL -- the head cook -- is talking from the service window.
CARLOS and NICK are in the back.
RAUL
You come in two weeks ago I would
have kissed you on the mouth, but
Carlos and Nick, they walked in.
Best I can do? Put you at the top
of the list.
Raul goes back to work.
PERRY
Dang the timing, Kimosabe. Wish I
could help you but Raul runs the
back.
19.
LARRY CROWNE
Not sure I could work here anyway.
The atmosphere is too pleasant and
the clientèle too A Number 1.
PERRY
Breakfast on the house. Chorizo
Scramble, right?
LARRY CROWNE
No charity today. I got things to
do.
PERRY
Like what?
LARRY CROWNE
Nothing. I was just saying that.
EXT. DERBY COURT - MORNING
The door open, the garage very tidy, as Larry moves old items
out to the lawn.
EXT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - SAME
Some things are already set up from the living room.
LARRY
is raising money with a Yard Sale.
EXT. LAMARR'S HOUSE - KITCHEN WINDOW - SAME
Lamarr is about to pour himself some coffee when he sees a
DISASTER looming across the street. He's out like a shot!
EXT. LAMARR'S GARAGE - SAME
Lamarr comes charging out the rising door and across the
street.
LAMARR
There's been a yard sale at 1402
Derby Court since Monica Lewinsky!
That gives me a monopoly on the
location! You go yard on me, Larry
Crowne and I will destroy you.
He is now standing on Larry's lawn. Larry looks at him.
Got fired yesterday.
20.
Lamarr sits on a for-sale chair.
LAMARR
Bloody Friday. Security sees you
off, by the time Monday comes
around the fired man is the
forgotten man. Diabolical.
LARRY CROWNE
They said it's because I didn't go
to college.
LAMARR
Smoke screen. The Man just wanted
you gone.
(his yard sale)
You liquidating assets to raise
cash?
LARRY CROWNE
Buying out Denise's half of the
house was the worst advice, ever.
LAMARR
I told you to avoid divorce
lawyers. Get married. Stay
married. Come with me.
They cross the street to Lamarr's house/yard sale.
LAMARR (CONT'D)
I'll tell you straight up - I'm not
lending you money.
EXT. LAMARR'S GARAGE - SAME
This is a semi-professional operation. Boats, lamps, tools,
chairs, computers -- some of it almost junk -- is for barter
or sale.
Inside his garage? Clothes and books - racks and shelves.
Patience is organizing boxes of vinyl LP's.
PATIENCE
Whole box of Cha-Cha records from
the Fifties. You don't have any of
these, I promise.
LAMARR
He can't afford 'em Lost his job
21.
PATIENCE
No! UniMart just lost my business
forever!
LARRY CROWNE
I love you too.
PATIENCE
Sorry, Lie-bare-eye-bee. Get a
better job somewhere so you can
crush them.
LARRY CROWNE
Hard to do.
LAMARR
He's going to get something better
than a job.
(SEARCHING BOOKS)
An education.
He finds a East City Community College Catalog 2006. Tosses
it to Larry.
LAMARR (CONT'D)
Get some knowledge and you'll be
fire proof.
LARRY CROWNE
Aren't there unemployed engineers
and geophysicists?
PATIENCE
Listen to my husband. Hasn't
called a man boss in years. Paid
off the house.
LARRY CROWNE
You won the Lottery.
PATIENCE
Picked 8 little numbers when I kept
saying he was a fool. A quarter
million dollars later I've shut up.
LAMARR
Lost half to taxes.
LARRY CROWNE
I'll see if there's a class in here
for PowerBall 250.
22.
LAMARR
That's half a buck for the book.
LARRY CROWNE
They give these away free.
LAMARR
They do. I don't.
INT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - NIGHT
He is alone. He is going to lose his house. He has nothing
to do. He has no future. He sits on the couch. ESPN's
SportsCenter is showing highlights...
INT. LARRY'S HOUSE - MORNING
He's asleep on the couch. He awakens to the very same
edition of ESPN's SportsCenter showing the very same
highlights.
Larry wants to shoot himself in the head. Instead, he picks
up the catalog of East City College....
EXT. EAST CITY COMMUNITY COLLEGE - MORNING
The sign reads "Enroll Now! $15 per unit!"
Larry parks in one of the hundreds of empty spaces.
INT. REGISTRAR'S OFFICE - SAME
Larry is trying to make sense out of the application. An
Enrollment Counsellor - DAVE BUSIK - sidles up to him.
BUSIK
Back to college, huh?
LARRY CROWNE
First time. I was in the Navy.
BUSIK
(HIMSELF)
Coast Guard. Adventure of a
Lifetime.
LARRY CROWNE
Galley Mate.
23.
BUSIK
We teach a whole track in Hotel and
Restaurant Food Preparation.
LARRY CROWNE
No. No, no. I need an all-new
career and a place to go everyday.
BUSIK
Those two things are my specialty.
HALLWAY -- walking towards Busik's cubicle.
BUSIK (CONT'D)
First thing. Bravo for choosing
East City College. Never too late
for an education. Second, you need
a jolt to the confidence machinery.
He grabs a folder...
BUSIK (CONT'D)
I am going to change your life.
(a page in the catalog)
Speech 217: The Art of Informal
Remarks, cause it's not enough to
just be smart anymore, you have to
project ease even when it ain't
easy.
LARRY CROWNE
Is this Public Speaking?
BUSIK
It's training. Job interviews will
be a breeze with the confidence
you'll get from Speech Two One
Seven.
(even better...)
And you'll spend three hours a week
with the most attractive package in
all of Academia. The Golden Girl
of East City.
(MAGICAL WORDS)
Mercedes Tainot.
EXT. E.C.C.C. TEACHERS' PARKING LOT - MORNING
PROF. MERCEDES TAINOT is a fierce defender of literacy and
intelligence -- and definitely one attractive package.
headache/grogginess combo of Biblical proportions.
24.
GPS VOICE
Please Enter your destination.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I'm here. Shut up. Turn off!
Stepping from her sub-compact, she struggles into a pair of
heels, as in this state she drives barefoot. If only her
huge Thermo-cup held a hair of the dog she might not walk
such a crooked mile from the parking lot to the campus.
Larry -- in his car -- screeches around a corner. He is
frantically looking for a place to park, but as this is the
first day of term, the lot is jammed!
He nearly hits Mercedes Tainot.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Jerk!
LARRY CROWNE
Sorry! Parking's impossible today!
MERCEDES TAINOT
Are you new to the Faculty?
LARRY CROWNE
New to the Student Body.
MERCEDES TAINOT
This is the Faculty Lot. We've
earned degrees for these spaces.
Students park on Mars.
LARRY CROWNE
I'm going to be late for my first
day of school.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I bet it won't be the first time.
EXT. E.C.C.C. - PORTABLE CLASSROOMS
STUDENTS search for their new classrooms. Mercedes does too,
among these 'portable' classrooms that have not moved in 7
years.
INT. PORTABLE CLASSROOM - SPEECH 217 - LATER
Mercedes stops at the doorway.
25.
MERCEDES TAINOT
This is it?
P.O.V.
NINE STUDENTS sit self-consciously, including PINEDO,
DIBIASI, MACK, and CALIMERIS
Mercedes quickly does a head count.
MERCEDES TAINOT(CONT'D)
...7, 8, 9.
She laughs.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
My day has just been made and it's
only 8:02 in the morning!
(THEN)
This class...is CANCELLED!!
Mercedes explains.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
The city charter requires a minimum
of ten students per class,
otherwise it costs more to have us
here than not. Did you really want
a class at 8 AM? I didn't. Throw
out those alarm clocks!
Larry Crowne bursts through the door - panting for breath.
LARRY CROWNE
Please tell me this is Speech 217.
Mercedes drops her bag on her desk. She is crushed and hates
Larry Crowne.
She takes up some chalk, turns to the board, then writes in
large, shaky-yet-feminine script:
CARE.
She underlines it four times.
MERCEDES TAINOT
While earning a Masters in
Shakespearean Political Discourse
from Vassar, I learned to care.
Caring is a prerequisite for this
class I have to teach in this
(THEN)
(MORE)
26.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Participate. Show up on time.
(Larry gets a eye on that)
Care. And stay awake the 55
minutes three dawns a week I have
to be here, or I will fail you and
not care.
(a name on the board)
My name is Ms. Tainot. Not 'tie-
knot'. Tay-no. You will each
address the class on Wednesday. A
procedure. How. To do. Something.
Pinedo has panic in her eyes. Public speaking terr fies her.
Dibiasi raises his hand.
DIBIASI
Ms. Tie-knot?
Ms. Tainot glares at Dibiasi. Glares and glares at him.
DIBIASI (CONT'D)
Uh, Tay-knot...Tai-bo...
MERCEDES TAINOT
Who are you?
DIBIASI
Steve Dibiasi. Friends call me
Nomad. Only two days before I
gotta get up and give my address?
You may be dreaming.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Why are you here, Steve?
DIBIASI
Counsellor Busik said this class
would change my life.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Busik. Of course...
Dibiasi's cell phone rings.
DIBIASI
I gotta take this...
Mercedes Tainot may kill this kid.
EXT. E.C.C.C. CAMPUS - SAME
27.
INT. ECON. 1 - LATER
An actual classroom, but in sad shape. In one section sits
LALA PINEDO - from the Speech Class.
Larry sees her and sits next to her, oblivious to the fact
that she is cripplingly shy.
LARRY CROWNE
Look at us, in two classes in a
row.
PINEDO
Yes. Hi.
LARRY CROWNE
That Ms. Tainot is something else
isn't she? I'm new to this coll ge
life and, I confess, she sca es e
This whole place scares me.
PINEDO
Yes.
LARRY CROWNE
I woke up this morning so nervous
about the first day of school. I
changed my clothes three times.
We may have noticed TALIA FRANCESCO - a very stylish young
student - come in and sit nearby. No notebook or anything...
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
I'm sorry. Larry Crowne, and I'm
babbling.
PINEDO
I am Lala.
DR. MATSUTANI (O.C.)
I order you to turn off all cell
phones, smart phones, and any phone-
like devices!
The teacher comes in - DR. MATSUTANI.
DR. MATSUTANI (CONT'D)
You have entered The Knowledge
Zone!! Econ Prime! One textbook!
(holding it up)
Written by? Ed Matsutani, PhD.
That's me! Read this book Follow
into the Promised Land!
(MORE)
28.
DR. MATSUTANI (CONT'D)
(he laughs mock
MANIACALLY)
That usually scares people. Yet
none of you have fled. A good
economic indicator.
Larry leans over to Lala.
LARRY CROWNE
I like this guy...
PINEDO
Yes...
INT. E.C.C.C. - PORTABLE CLASSROOM - LATER
Much like the other. Four students sit, waiting for class to
begin.
Mercedes has already written up on the board in Happy Letters
"English 40: Shakespeare As Politician. CARE! PLEASE! I
DO!!!"
But no one else is showing up.
The clock shows 3:09. MERCEDES TAINOT
What happened to the 16 sign-ups?
(NOTHING)
Shakespeare as I know him... is
cancelled.
EXT GAS STATION - AFTERNOON
Larry is filling up his car, watching his money go down his
gas pipe.
A body builder on a SCOOTER -- a guy we will come to know as
DELL GORDO -- pulls in to the opposite pump. He flips up the
seat, pops the pump into his scooter tank, and in seconds, is
done.
That scooter only sips gasoline. Off Dell goes, while
Larry's tank fills and fills and fills...
EXT. DERBY COURT - LATER
Larry is walking from his house over to Lamarr's.
29.
EXT. LAMARR'S HOUSE - GARAGE - SAME
Lamarr, pipe in mouth, is forever arranging his goods.
LAMARR
What's cookin' Joe College?
LARRY CROWNE
Money woes. Paying for gas, getting
to school.
(THEN)
You ever come across a moped or a
scooter for sale or trade?
Lamarr stops in his tracks.
LAMARR
Come with me.
INT. LAMARR'S RUMPUS ROOM - SAME
Patience is at her home office - card table. Coupons.
Computer on eBay.
PATIENCE
Your next wife might stand smoking
that pipe in the house but your
first one says 'uh-uh!'
On the old TV on "Wheel of Fortune" (A person).
LAMARR
Passing through, woman...
Lamarr goes through the patio doors to the back yard, a space
filled with even more yard sale items.
PATIENCE
Larry Crowne, been thinking about
you. Sit down here...
Larry watches Vanna White turn letters - he solves the
puzzle.
LARRY CROWNE
"College Graduate."
PATIENCE
That's going to be you someday.
She's pulled up some LP's on eBay on the computer.
30.
PATIENCE (CONT'D)
You have money in all those
records. If you can part with
them, they'd go for something on
the eBay. I'll show you how...
From the back patio, Lamarr comes in pushing a scooter in not
too bad of shape, though its windscreen is faded.
LAMARR
This what you're talking about?
LARRY CROWNE
That's a hunk of junk.
LAMARR
This is classic.
LARRY CROWNE
It doesn't work.
LAMARR
It will for eight hundred dollars.
LARRY CROWNE
Two hundred.
LAMARR
Seven hundred.
LARRY CROWNE
Two hundred.
LAMARR
Six fifty.
LARRY CROWNE
Two hundred.
LAMARR
Six thirty.
PATIENCE
Gonna be a long night with you two.
LARRY CROWNE
Forget it.
LAMARR
Larry! The secret of any
negotiation is for both of us to
win Talk to me How much do you
31.
EXT. DERBY COURT - LATER
Larry is carrying his Flat Screen TV, wires, box and all,
from his house to Lamarr's garage.
"Wing Ding Ding!" goes the scooter Lamarr has been working on
with his tools. He lets it idle as he takes the TV.
LAMARR
Beautiful. I'll throw in a helmet.
(SHOWING HIM)
Gas. Brake. Light's busted.
Tires are low. You'll need a
special license.
Larry straps on the old, beat up crash helmet (DOT approved).
LARRY CROWNE
All I need is the open road.
Larry revs it, crashes into a hedge.
LAMARR
You break it, you bought it.
LARRY CROWNE
It still works.
LAMARR
Talking about the hedge.
COMPUTER SCREEN
Images of an EROTIC SUPER-HEROINE -- busty and hot -- and
others, are being studied, and saved one after another.
EXT. TAINOT TOWNHOME - DEN - EVENING
DEAN TAINOT is a self-published author and blogger -- with a
taste for this kind of stuff. Multiple copies of his own
books line the shelves.
When he hears the FRONT DOOR open -- he panics.
DEAN TAINOT
Well, hey! Who's home early!
He keeps clicking away with the mouse until he's safe.
Mercedes calls from the other room.
MERCEDES TAINOT
32.
He covers his digital tracks and hops out of his desk.
KITCHEN
Mercedes is prepping the Margaritas for cocktail hour.
DEAN TAINOT
First day of term calls for a
celebration!
MERCEDES TAINOT
You'd think so.
DEAN TAINOT
What's your burden this go round?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Tap Dancing. Ping Pong. Water
Torture. And Speech at Sunrise
DEAN TAINOT
I built a Flamethrower of a posting
for WarriorWeb which, if I do say,
will feed nicely as an outline for
As the blender BLARES, husband and wife eye each other. She's
looking at him. He's smiling like a guilty idiot.
"Carrier: Second Angel." And, I
was a guest blogger on CyberShare.
Blender off. She starts pouring.
DEAN TAINOT (CONT'D)
Y u don't believe me.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Why wouldn't I believe you?
DEAN TAINOT
I was composing, Mercy. That's
what I do all day.
MERCEDES TAINOT
You were looking at porn.
She takes a nice pull on that icy drink.
Oh fine. Thought Police. I saw
some erotica. I'm a man, I admit
it.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Took you a while.
33.
DEAN TAINOT
It's barely porn. I'm not hiding
it.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Yes you are.
She bangs her head.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Brain freeze.
DEAN TAINOT
Don't chug. Sip.
(THEN)
Everyone hides something.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I have no secrets from you. I
share the whole miserable slate.
DEAN TAINOT
You walked in the door pissed off
because -- I'm sorry -- I've
established a beach head in New
Media while you still have to teach
at Vassar of the Valley. You hide
that.
MERCEDES TAINOT
(SERIOUS EYES)
You look at Bra-Busters Triple-X
expecting me to pretend I don't
know or I don't care. I do both
and don't like it.
DEAN TAINOT
It may look like I don't work hard
around here, Mercy. But I do. I'm
just a guy who's a guy being a guy
when you're not around...
She walks away.
DEAN TAINOT (CONT'D)
And walking away is great for a
relationship...
EXT. TAINOT TOWNHOME - PATIO - SAME
It's a tiny slab, but there is a tree and a fence and a
34.
Mercy closes the sliding door behind her and settles into her
chair and into her drink. This is where she goes when she
thinks/drinks.
Rap-rap-rap on the glass door. It's Dean, making one last
point.
DEAN TAINOT
(THROUGH GLASS)
I'm a guy. Who's a guy. Being a
guy...
Mercy turns her face to the sky...
EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING
The streets are not yet crowded with traffic.
A MOTORCYCLE RIDER pilots a STATE OF THE ART STREET MACHINE:
machine helmet, leather pants and jacket, radio in the
helmet, saddlebags, windscreen. Probably a gynecologist.
INT. INTERSECTION - SAME
The cyclist pulls up right next to:
Larry Crowne, riding a scooter for the first time. Gives the
passing Rider - who couldn't care less -- a 'thumbs up!'
RIDER
How you doing...
LARRY CROWNE
Speck-tack-alar.
(THEN)
Nice machine. Where you headed?
RIDER
Work.
LARRY CROWNE
School. College. I'm a student.
What do you do?
RIDER
I'm a gynecologist.
LARRY CROWNE
Yeah? I'd say 'have a great day'
but that would be stating the
35.
The light changes.
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
You take care.
As the Rider takes off, Larry tries to do the same, but he
stalls the engine. Cars honk horns at him.
EXT. E.C.C.C. SCOOTER PARKING LOT - MORNING
Larry is trying to work the kick stand of his scooter. He is
not yet practiced at the thing. Another scooter rrives.
TALIA
Where'd you get the Hot Wheels?
Talia is shaking her hair free from her helmet. Larry fails
to recognize her from Econ prime.
TALIA (CONT'D)
That machine's a classic.
LARRY CROWNE
Got me here for a nickel's worth of
gas.
TALIA
You're in Matsutani's Econ with me.
LARRY CROWNE
I am?
TALIA
That class is straining my coconut.
LARRY CROWNE
It's only been one day
TALIA
Didn't know you scooted.
LARRY CROWNE
New to the sport.
TALIA
(pulls out mobile phone)
Give me your number. I'll
introduce you to like-minded
enthusiasts.
(THEN)
Name please?
36.
LARRY CROWNE
Larry Crowne. With an 'e'.
TALIA
'Larry'? I don't think so. I used
to be Kathleen but one day I looked
in the mirror and saw a girl named
Talia.
(then in her phone)
Putting you in as 'Lance'. Check
your texts and we'll do us some
scooting.
(THEN)
Gotta tell you, Lance. Tucking a
polo shirt into khakis makes you
look like a cop.
LARRY CROWNE
Not much fashion sense.
TALIA
I know! Gotta change that...
Larry sees Mercedes Tainot walking from the Faculty lot, and
doesn't want to be late again.
LARRY CROWNE
Gotta go!
TALIA
Then get going!!
Talia watches him go. Likes him thus far...
INT. SPEECH 217 - LATER
Mercedes is at a desk in the back. Bored and, yes, a bit
hungover again. You can tell by the way she takes long pulls
from her Thermo-cup.
Busik is sitting in on the class, not far from Mercedes.
In front of the board that says "PHONES OFF!!" Calimeris is
demonstrating an exercise for her speech.
CALIMERIS
With the push-up added, the 4-count
Burpie becomes the 6-count Burpie
and works out the pecs and biceps.
It's an all-in-one exercise perfect
for Cheerleader conditioning. The
6-COUNT BURPIE
37.
The class is too shy to applaud though Busik claps like a
fan.
MERCEDES TAINOT
We now all know how to Burpie.
Thank you.
(THEN)
Who's next?
No one volunteers. Though Pinedo is about to...
MERCEDES TAINOT(CONT'D)
Make me the bad guy.
(HER ROSTER)
Ms. Crowne?
LARRY CROWNE
You mean me?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Mr. Crowne. My bad.
Larry goes to the podium - armed with a huge stack of 3x5's.
Busik shoots him a 'thumbs up.'
He looks at Mercedes for the starting cue.
MERCEDES TAINOT(CONT'D)
Go.
LARRY CROWNE
My presentation will be on the
subject of a very particular
procedure. "How to make French
Toast", but I'll speak English...
Larry has used up one card. Mercedes rolls her eyes and talks
to herself in a MOVIE DEVICE way...
MERCEDES TAINOT
M classes were once filled with
e rnest young men ready to learn
all I had to teach them. Cute boys
fresh out of High School who all
had crushes on me from day one. Now
look at my cadre. Dibiasi. Bound
for jail. Mack. Treating college
like another tour of combat.
Crowne. If this was Hamlet, he'd
be Osric in Act 5. The part that is
always cut.
38.
Larry checks on Ms. Tainot in the back. She is not talking,
only listening (the MOVIE DEVICE mentioned above)...
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Busik, I am going to kill you. You
can't suggest these saps take
Shorthand or Oral Hygiene? Bring me
in at this ungodly hour for 2
minutes on French toast?
Busik looks at Mercedes, signals a 'not bad, eh?' about
Larry.
She is a stone face.
LARRY CROWNE
Most people think syrup comes out of
a plastic bottle.
MERCEDES TAINOT
(still talking to herself)
Great. The history of the sugar
maple tree now. Thank you
Wikipedia.
Larry still has a dozen cards to go.
But the speech is over. MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Ah-ooo-gah! Time's up.
LARRY CROWNE
That went fast...
MERCEDES TAINOT
Breakfast may never be ready.
Larry gathers his cards. Busik gives him a 'bravo!'
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Next.
Pinedo tries to volunteer to go next...
DIBIASI
I'll go. But you aren't going to
like it.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Are you clairvoyant?
DIBIASI
(holding a pack of Toaster
WAFFLES)
(MORE)
39.
DIBIASI (CONT'D)
(READING)
Brown Waffles in toaster at
lightest or lowest heat setting. An
adult should supervise heating by
children. Applause please.
Mercedes rolls her head. Busik laughs out loud.
BUSIK
Simple. Direct. Informative.
INT. ECON. 1 CLASSROOM - LATER
An incomprehensible POWERPOINT GRAPHIC is projected with Dr.
M. explaining what it means. Gibberish!!
Larry is taking notes, beside Lala, when his phone vibrates.
He flinches to turn it off before getting into trouble.
On his phone a message: TALIA: "Scoot?"
It takes a moment for him to understand what is going on.
His phone buzzes again.
to your right"
Larry looks as instructed. He sees Talia, phone in hand,
miming riding a scooter -- you and me -- wind in our hair...
Another text: TALIA: "Lance! Look
Larry gets it. Nods okay. Turning back, he finds Dr.
Matsutani, standing over him. Palm out.
DR. MATSUTANI
Your mobile, please.
Larry hands it over.
DR. MATSUTANI (CONT'D)
I will return it after class if I
don't crush it first.
EXT. EAST CITY COMMUNITY COLLEGE - SCOOTER PARKING LOT -
LATER
Some of the Scooter Gang have assembled as Larry and Talia
walk up. DELL GORDO and STAN are talking about today's route.
TALIA
Hey Monkey!
Dell Gordo plants a kiss right on Talia's lips. She kisses
him back. Larry sinks a little.
40.
It only figures Talia would have a boyfriend like Dell Gordo.
TALIA (CONT'D)
This is Lance Corona. Classmate and
good guy, so far.
DELL GORDO
Dell Gordo. You want to ride with
us?
LARRY CROWNE
Why not.
There is a beat of a stare down between Dell Gordo and Larry,
but then Dell starts to snap his fingers --
SNAP...SNAP...SNAP... -- the other join in until they are all
snapping fingers like the Jets vs. Sharks. Talia too.
TALIA
Snap along, Lance or you can't join
the gang.
Larry, clumsily, starts snapping too. After a few bars...
DELL GORDO
Okay. You're in for a trial run.
And just like that, everyone goes back to their wheels.
STAN
Not many of these '66 Wasps left
around. They had low torque.
How's the torque?
He means Larry's scooter.
LARRY CROWNE
I just bought it and ride around.
Someone yells "Saddle up!"
TALIA
Stan knows engines and junk.
DELL GORDO
Let's go, Sweets!
TALIA
We ride, Monkey!
Larry's heart breaks a tiny bit, suffering as he does from
Talia-on-the-heart.
41.
The squad pulls out through the cars of the parking lot with
Larry trying to speed his machine along with the crowd...
SCOOT MONTAGE
They roll through town - a multi-wheeled dance troupe.
Swaying... turning... slow-motion sometimes... elegant
always.
They make riding look fun... being in a group a gas...
rolling with the wind in your hair something you'd like to
do...
UNIMART
As Larry and the Squad pass it by, Larry can't help but eye
the place he once worked. He sees staffers collecting carts
in the parking lot.
He misses that place...
LATER
After many shots, riders begin to peel off -- scooting done.
Talia waves at Larry who guns his throttle and pulls even
with her. TALIA (CONT'D)
You good, Lance?
LARRY CROWNE
Other than school, I have nothing to
do.
DELL GORDO
Let's troll Buena Vista for junk
stores.
STAN
We hit those last week.
TALIA
If it was Saturday we'd look for
yard sales.
LARRY CROWNE
I know where a yard sale is, like
everyday.
TALIA
Lead the way.
(YELLING)
Monkey! Lance knows a yard sale!
42.
DELL GORDO
Take point!
LARRY CROWNE
Follow me, boys and girl!
EXT. DERBY COURT - LATER
The Scooters pull around the corner. Lamarr shouts.
LAMARR
We're being invaded!
One by one, the Scooters park and survey the scene. The
stuff that Larry was selling is now part of Lamarr's
operation, being sold 'On Consignment'. .
LAMARR (CONT'D)
Larry, what kind of thugs you get
in with?
LARRY CROWNE
College buddies.
LAMARR
If they're college buddies why
aren't they in college?
TALIA
You have any old clothes?
LAMARR
Speak to my bride inside.
Dell Gordo, Stan and the others are going through hardware,
tools, appliances.
DELL GORDO
Oh man! These TV trays are too
much!
LAMARR
Bargains at $100 apiece.
DELL GORDO
For these? Are you nuts?
LAMARR
I'm joking, kid. Let's get to
haggling.
43.
DELL GORDO I
get it.
(THEN)
A buck apiece.
LAMARR
YOU
Ninety-nine dollars apiece.
see how this is working?
DELL GORDO
Two bucks apiece!
LAMARR
Ninety-eight and, kid, I do this
every day.
INT. GARAGE -- SAME
Talia and Patience are putting outfits together from off the
hangers.
TALIA
Layer this... with this.
PATIENCE
Add this belt?
TALIA
I LOVE THIS! Where did you GET IT?
PATIENCE
Reeled it in like tuna from the
Atlantic.
TALIA
Diamonds in a diamond mine.
(ANOTHER OUTFIT)
Take this... under this...unbutton
that.
PATIENCE
You and I are going to spend some
time together!
EXT. LAMARR HOUSE - SAME
Larry stands alone, nothing to do as the Scooters poke about
the sale. He drifts towards his house, a forgotten man.
44.
INT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - LATER
He is entering some of his choice, rare LP's up for auction
on eBay.
DOORBELL RINGS
INT. LARRY'S HOUSE - SAME
It's Talia.
TALIA
I gotta see Chez Lance.
LARRY CROWNE
Entrez vous, sea food plate.
Talia enters and looks around. The decor screams out: "A man
lives here."
TALIA
No sign of a woman around here for
years. Drape a scarf over that
lamp and you'll soften the light.
No TV, b t vinyl disks of music?
You trying to seduce me?
She examines the record collection.
TALIA (CONT'D)
Alphabetical order. No artistic
chaos for you.
She closes her eyes and picks out an LP at random.
TALIA (CONT'D)
Spin this platter, Mr. DJ?
LARRY CROWNE
Good choice.
As he puts it on, Talia drifts into the...
KITCHEN
Nothing matches, but it is well-equipped with a cozy
breakfast nook.
TALIA
Breakfast nookie!
(THEN)
45.
TALIA (CONT'D)
Did Denise make you breakfast in
here with a little apron and
lipstick perfectly applied?
LARRY CROWNE
I did most of the cooking,
actually.
(THEN)
You know about Denise?
TALIA
Patience thought she was stuck up
and seriously fleeced you.
Larry can't believe his neighbors are so loose-tongued.
TALIA (CONT'D)
So what happened there, my Lance?
LARRY CROWNE
The usual stuff between three
people.
TALIA
She must have been pretty.
(THEN)
Fair haired or dark?
LARRY CROWNE
Dark.
TALIA
Like me.
(THEN)
So? How about a demonstration?
he means 'of the kitchen'. Larry's game...
LARRY CROWNE
Stay outta my way.
VEGETABLES ARE CHOPPED
BURNERS TURNED ON
MISMATCHED UTENSILS COME OUT OF DRAWERS
A CHICKEN BREAST IS POUNDED
OLIVE OIL GOES INTO A PAN
BEER OPENED
46.
Pizza bread. Chopped veggie salad. Lightly fried potatoes. A
pounded chicken breast. Beer in a bottle.
Talia eats as Larry gets corn bread he steamed fresh and
moist onto a plate.
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
Cooking for friends is sort of fun.
Three hundred times a day is not.
DELL GORDO (O.C.)
That corn bread I smell?
TALIA
Kitchen, Monkey!
Dell Gordo has walked into Larry's house.
DELL GORDO
Corn pone!
Dell Gordo dives in after helping himself to a bottle of beer
from the refrigerator.
TALIA
Lance made all this. You should
have seen him. He was like...
Talia does a mime of Larry cooking - like a spastic drummer.
DELL GORDO
You're like Uncle Ben or something.
Stan's working on your bike.
LARRY CROWNE
He is?
Larry goes to the window.
DELL GORDO
Said the thing was a time bomb.
He's saving your life.
P.O.V.
Stan has broken down much of Larry's bike using Lamarr's
tools. Lamarr is standing over him, pointing out what he
thinks needs to be done. Stan is ignoring him.
DELL GORDO (CONT'D)
Let's go lift iron, Monkey. It's a
shoulders and arms day
(MORE)
47.
DELL GORDO (CONT'D)
Lance, raise your right hand and
say something patriotic.
Larry does, just for fun.
LARRY CROWNE
'We'll be right back after these
messages.'
DELL GORDO
You're in the Street Patrol. A
full-time mission for beauty and
justice.
Talia throws her arms around him and kisses him on the lips --
no romance at all, but still...
TALIA
That Denise. What a fool. You a e
way cooler than you appear.
She leaves. Dell Gordo lingers.
DELL GORDO
Lance. All men fall in love with
Talia. You will too, if you
haven't already. But I love her
the most. Know that right now.
LARRY CROWNE
Capice.
DELL GORDO
Seriously. Don't make me keep my
eyes on you. What's your real
name?
LARRY CROWNE
L rry.
DELL GORDO
Mine's Don. Shake hands.
(EXPLAINING HOW)
Look each other in the eyes. Firm
grips. No contest, but firm. Hold.
Stack it.
(THEN)
One word, Lance. Peace.
LARRY CROWNE
Peace indeed.
48.
EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE - MORNING
NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS are in school uniforms, heading to the bus
stop. Dressed for school as well, Larry kick starts his
scooter, now a humming bit of mechanical perfection.
LARRY CROWNE
Speck-tack-alar.
He peels out, on his way to school.
EXT. LAMARR'S HOUSE - KITCHEN WINDOW
Lamarr, and his percolator, give Larry a wave.
EXT. E.C.C.C. CAMPUS - DAY
Larry walks to Speech 217 like any other student.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH (OVERLAPPING)
Even business can break down into a
Shakespearean Five-Act Structure!
INT. SPEECH 217- LATER
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH is a former student of Mercedes with
braces on her teeth. Her name is printed in perfect block
letters behind her on the board. She is giving a polished,
well-prepared "off the cuff" presentation: DYNAMIC SEMINARS
PRESENTS: SHAKESPEAREAN ECONOMICS.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Act I: Inventory. What do you
sell? Act Two? To Market. Reach
your buyers. Act Three? Three legs of
accounting. Receivable.
Payable. Due. Act Four? Forward
planning. Plan to grow. Act Five?
Final Profitability. What do you
clear on bottom-line?
(THEN)
In other words: "To be or not to
be... in Business."
It's all nonsense, but it looks nice in PowerPoint form.
Larry is taking notes.
Calimeris has drawn her Pyramid of ideas.
Mack sleeps with his head straight up.
49.
Pinedo is listening intently, counting the ideas out on her
hands.
Dibiasi is doodling drawings of football players.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH (CONT'D)
For business, social, and self-
improvement workshops, email me:
Francestaylor-briegh@dynasem.com.
Mercedes Tainot is in the back -- her mind far from her
classroom. She is preoccupied.
The applause for the speaker jolts her.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Did you notice? No script. No
notes. So it can be done.
The class breaks up. Pinedo makes it a point to pick up some
DynaSem brochures. Larry remains, scribbling notes.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
White, Siler and Koss, you are up
next time.
(THEN)
You did good, Fran. Thanks.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Anything for the woman who brought
out the public speaker in Frances
Taylor-Briegh.
(THEN)
I used you as a Focal Reference but
you weren't there for me. What's
wrong, Mercy?
Mercedes signals Frances: "Not yet", then points to Larry,
still finishing up his notes.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH (CONT'D)
(WHISPERING)
I broke up with the Orthodontist.
Now I have to get a new boyfriend
and a new orthodontist. You ever
do that? Get crushes on people you
see every day after ignoring them
and then find out they're creeps
after all?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Mr Crowne? Can you move along
50.
LARRY CROWNE
That was a great presentation. I
learned a lot from it.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Super.
LARRY CROWNE
Smart stuff. Super smart.
The women watch him go. As soon as he's out the door:
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Ethel's here, Lucy. What's going
on?
MERCEDES TAINOT
When was the last time you looked
at your life and saw nothing but
fraud and desperation?
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Mercy. You're an idol to me.
Hearing you talk like that is
crushing my dreams.
Mercy wants to take it back.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Well I'm joking of course!!!
She pretends to laugh. A little too much.
INT. ECON. 1 - LATER
Dr. Matsutani is diagramming on the board.
DR. MATSUTANI
If the balance on Axis A is the
same metric as Axis B you're in
deficits because of overhead,
taxes, and re-investment.
(THEN)
Translation? Ms. Francesco?
TALIA
Something complicated.
DR. MATSUTANI
Ms. Pinedo?
51.
DR. MATSUTANI (CONT'D)
Mr. Crowne?
LARRY CROWNE
Breaking even is not making profit,
it's a theoretical assumption.
Economics abhors an assumption.
Talia is amused while sizing him up, from shoe to collar.
Bad shirt... pleated pants, too short... running shoes.
DR. MATSUTANI
Someone's been reading my book.
(THEN)
The Break Even Paradox creates a
new metric...
Talia makes a decision and palms her phone, punching in a
text. In a second, Larry's phone vibrates. He struggles to
get it before he gets caught with his mobile on.
TALIA: "Scoot? You/me?"
Larry nods at Talia.
Turning back, Dr. Matsutani is there again.
Larry hands him his mobile phone again.
Palm out again. DR. MATSUTANI (CONT'D)
I am growing tired of this game,
Mr. Crowne. Aren't you?
EXT. STREET - LATER
Larry and Talia. Scooting along like Elvis and Ann-Margret
in Viva Las Vegas.
EXT. SQUARE HOLE SELF-STORAGE - LATER
They swing into the complex.
EXT. SQUARE HOLE NO. 114 - SAME
Talia is unlocking the grate.
LARRY CROWNE
So what happens here?
TALIA
You ready?
Re-invention Big Boy
52.
LARRY CROWNE
I have no idea what that means, but
you betcha.
INT. SQUARE HOLE NO. 114 - SAME
Pitch black as the grate rolls up and open, revealing Talia,
Larry and their parked scooters.
LARRY CROWNE
Holy smokes!
The place is crammed with vintage clothes. Racks and boxes
and stacks of every fashion.
LARRY CROWNE (CONT D)
You got inventory.
She disappears in the back, rummaging around.
TALIA
I started in the smallest unit.
LARRY CROWNE
This is just sitting here? Talia!
This is unproductive capital! Sell
it on eBay.
TALIA
No one should ever buy clothes off
the internet. You have to feel the
fabric and test the drape...
LARRY CROWNE
What is all this worth?
Out she ome with an assortment of men's clothes.
TALIA
A lot to me. Try these on.
LARRY CROWNE
Where?
TALIA
Anywhere. Fashion is no place for
modesty. Strip.
He does.
LARRY CROWNE
53.
TALIA
This is a service to humankind,
Lance. It hurts me to see a Top
Cat dressed like an ex-hockey
player. You gotta look gorgeous
from shoe to collar. Starting now.
Larry is taking off his pants just as Dell Gordo has pulled
up on his scooter.
DELL GORDO
Monkey! Thought you might be here.
TALIA
Lance! My boyfriend's here! Put
your pants on!
Larry, in fact, has his pants off.
Dell Gordo has a look in his eyes of, well, "What the fuck?"
INT./EXT. - MERCEDES' CAR -- AFTERNOON
She is driving home.
GPS VOICE
Please enter your destination.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Go to hell...
INT TAINOT TOWNHOUSE - LATER
Dean is opening take-out containers to put the food on
plates. The table is set a little too ornately. Wine.
HE'S
Candles. Flowers.
In other words, he's making up.
Mercedes comes in through the door. Sees what's up.
being good and cute. He pours Margaritas.
DEAN TAINOT
No argument here, Mercy. Fact: I'm
a dope. Fact: My wife is beautiful
and brilliant. And I will be a
good boy from now on. Why?
Because you're right and I've
learned my lesson. Just don't be
mad at me forever. I have a
pliable soul and I pray you do too
54.
He dangles her a fresh Margarita. She'll take it...
BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mercedes and Dean have had make up sex. It was okay.
DEAN TAINOT (CONT'D)
Ah. That was nice.
MERCEDES TAINOT
It was. Yes.
DEAN TAINOT
Been thinking. If you ever want to
take a whack at writing something --
say a blog a couple of times a week --
I could help you out.
MERCEDES TAINOT
How?
DEAN TAINOT
I'd read your stuff. Make comments
to make it web-savvy. Pieces need
to pop, you know. Takes a little
PRACTICE
MERCEDES TAINOT
Okay.
DEAN TAINOT
See? You can't stay mad at me. No
reason to be mad at me...
He smooches her. Mercedes smooches back.
DEAN TAINOT (CONT'D)
I'm just a guy who's a guy being a
guy...
Mercedes' eyes: She didn't like hearing that...
INT. LARRY'S HOME - KITCHEN - MORNING
Larry -- in new, vintage clothes with his morning coffee --
is at his computer entering his financial record into a
program - Ed Matsutani's SmartPlanning MoneyWorks.
He is also on his Mobile Phone -- pressing his party's
extension...
55.
DENISE
This is Denise. How can I help
you.
LARRY CROWNE
Denise. Larry.
DENISE
My god. Larry Crowne. I remember
you.
LARRY CROWNE
This a good time?
DENISE
Other than me being at work?
LARRY CROWNE
I'll call you later.
DENISE
I'm surprised is all. What do you
want?
With checkbooks, statements, etc. Larry is looking for the
bottom line.
Out it comes: In RED!
($887.00)
LARRY CROWNE
Well. Okay. Uh. Here's the deal.
DENISE
Spit it, Lar.
LARRY CROWNE
I'm going to miss a few months on
the checks for the house.
DENISE
Okay.
LARRY CROWNE
I hoped not to, but I there it is.
DENISE
Okay. Yeah.
LARRY CROWNE
I'm sorry.
56.
DENISE
How many months?
LARRY CROWNE
Let's start with six.
Silence on the other end.
DENISE
That can't happen, Larry.
I'm extended. I've put a deposit
down on the first vacation I've had
in 5 1/2 years. My expenses are as
valid as yours, so I need the
checks like always. A deal's a
deal.
He goes back to the computer, to eBay to see how his LP
auction is going.
One record is going for... $0.75. Another: $1.25. Another:
NO BIDS.
LARRY CROWNE
I don't have it.
DENISE
That's not my problem. Take out a
loan on the house or something.
LARRY CROWNE
I tried. I'm too much of a risk.
DENISE
Oh, I'm not touching that. I don't
want to open up the whole lawyer
thing, but I will if pushed. Sucks,
doesn't it? I appreciate the
rigorous Crowne honesty, but this
can't happen.
(THEN)
These calls are monitored to
guarantee customer satisfaction, so
I'm hanging up before my supervisor
comes on...
EXT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - MORNING
Establish. It's early. Few customers
57.
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - SAME
Raul is sitting at the counter doing his paperwork. Perry
comes up to him.
PERRY
Can I smell trouble or what?
RAUL
Can you speak English?
PERRY
Those two over in booth 6...
P.O.V.: Two GUYS IN SUITS.
PERRY (CONT'D)
Homeland Security. I piped thei
badges and everything.
RAUL
What is Homeland Security doing
here...
Raul looks back in the kitchen. Carlos and Nick are prepping
their stations.
Raul bolts for the kitchen. In seconds we can see him through
the Service Window.
He whispers and gestures to Carlos and Nick, who suddenly
show PANIC in their eyes.
They now bolt the kitchen, out the back way.
BOOTH 6
R
Perry is po ring coffee for the Agents, making small talk
as...
Out side the window, Carlos and Nick are fleeing for their
Illegal Alien lives...
INT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - MORNING
Larry is still trying to makes sense of his money woes when
his phone rings...
Caller ID: "Perry's Coffee Shop Breakfast All Day!"
LARRY CROWNE
HEY
58.
INTERCUT/PERRY'S
Perry is serving hotcakes to the Agents while Raul is on the
phone.
RAUL
This is Larry Crowne?
LARRY CROWNE
Raul? Yes.
RAUL
Get your ass down here. You got a
job.
LARRY CROWNE
I do?
EXT. STREET - LATER
Larry is scooting to Perry's.
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - LATER
The place has filled with customers. Perry is jammed and
behind the window, Raul is slapping orders up in a frenzy.
PERRY
We're swamped, Kimosabe. Get back
there!
RAUL
You're late on your first day!
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - KITCHEN - SAME
Larry comes through the swinging doors. He stops and takes a
breath. His life has come to this. He is back in a kitchen.
What can he do, but dive in...
LATER
Larry is at the window, putting up orders and ripping slips
off the wheel.
Not so much as cracking a smile, though...
RAUL
Where you learn to turn eggs like
59.
LARRY CROWNE
The USS Coral Sea.
(THEN)
Boss, I don't want to quit school.
RAUL
So don't.
LARRY CROWNE
I gotta get to class before I miss
the whole day. And I can't work
mornings Mondays, Wednesdays,
Fridays.
RAUL
Soon as the rush is finished, go.
I'll get my idiot brother-in-law
three days a week. You take
evenings. Deal?
LARRY CROWNE
Deal. When will we talk salary?
RAUL
Never. This is take it or leave
it. Don t worry. I may be tough
but I'll be fair.
INT. SPEECH 217- DAY
Mack is at the podium giving a presentation with his Star
Wars Action figures.
MACK
These are not toys. Nobody 'plays'
with these. These are kept behind
glass, so no way am I passing them
around today.
Mercedes TALKS to us and HERSELF.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Wait a ding dong minute.
(counts the heads)
1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9. Someone is
missing! Who cut my class?
She lets slip OUT LOUD:
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Where's Larry Crowne?!
Everyone looks at her.
60.
MACK
Guess Larry's out today.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Anyone know why?
MACK
He didn't call me.
Ad-libs: no one knows why Larry is out.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I don't believe this! Ditching me?
He ditched me? Not okay. Larry
Crowne, you are on my Shit List.
Everyone shares looks like they've witnessed a Lover's Spat.
Speaking quietly in their seats...
DIBIASI
Sounds like Teacher has a thing for a
Teach-ee.
CALIMERIS
When you were out last week, she
said nothing. I think she has a
crush on Larry Crowne.
PINEDO
I do too.
(off their looks)
He's a nice man.
Mack speaks up.
MACK
Should I continue?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Yes. Tell us more about your man
dolls.
Mack is humiliated now.
MACK
I'm sure everyone recognizes Boba
Fett...
EXT. E.C.C.C. - LATER
61.
INT. ECON 1 - LATER
Dr. Matsutani is in mid-lecture when Larry comes in, late.
LARRY CROWNE
(QUIETLY)
I'm sorry I'm late, Dr. Matsutani.
May I still sit in the class?
DR. MATSUTANI
This is college, Mr. Crowne. The
only thing you can't do is smoke in
the building. Hand over your
phone.
(LARRY DOES)
I'm going to ask a question in a
moment. I want someone other than
you to answer it - I don't care if
the silence is positively Arctic.
Larry moves to take a seat.
Talia can't believe his choice of dress. She mimes to him
"What's with the outfit?" His mime answer is unintelligible.
DR. MATSUTANI (CONT'D)
This brings us to a dreaded task to
every corporate entity. What is
the purpose of semi-annual re-
purposing? Anyone?
(THEN)
Anyone?
He waits. And waits. And waits. Matsutani stares fear into
the hearts of all but Larry.
LARRY CROWNE
(WHISPERING)
Lala... To upload market
differences without...
PINEDO
Without mooting the quarterlies. I
know.
LARRY CROWNE
Then say it.
(SHE WON'T)
Just give the answer. You know it.
Say it.
PINEDO
Can I?
62.
LARRY CROWNE I
insist.
Lala Pinedo clears her voice. But still whispers...
PINEDO
To up... met... es without ...ing
...terly predicts....?
No one understood that...
DR. MATSUTANI
I know what you mean, but please
share it with your classmates?
PINEDO
(LOUD ENOUGH)
To upload market differences
without mooting quarterly
predictions.
DR. MATSUTANI
Does this affect the Value Index?
PINEDO
No. Only the profit markdown.
DR. MATSUTANI
Someone is doing the reading!
Lala Pinedo beams! Larry applauds. Talia whoops!
EXT. E.C.C.C. - LATER
Mercedes Tainot is crossing campus when she sees Larry.
Talia is moving around his hair, showing it to a SCOOTER
QUAD HAIR STYLIST. Lala is weighing in with her opinion on
Larry's hair .
MERCEDES TAINOT
Is that Larry Crowne!?
(HE STOPS)
You have a lot of nerve showing
your face on campus after ditching
my class!
LARRY CROWNE
I'm sorry, Ms. Tainot. I will not
miss another class, this I vow.
63.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Vows come cheap, Larry Crowne.
You'll lead off next assignment
with three minutes on a personal
first. A story, with details, not
a laundry list or slide show. And,
as I told Dibiasi, no one wants to
hear about the first time you got
laid.
She eyes Talia with venom in her eyes.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Or the most recent.
Talia laughs out loud!
TALIA
That woman is one clenched fist of
fury.
INT. BIG BALLOON CHILDREN'S HAIR SALON - LATER
Noisy kids squirm and cry and play games as they get haircuts
from other stylists.
Larry is in a chair meant for toddlers. The Scooter Squad
Hair Stylist is cutting his hair. Talia is taking Larry's
shitty Velcro wallet and putting his stuff into a cool used
leather one with a chain.
TALIA
She must not be having any amok
lovin'.
SCOOTER HAIR STYLIST
That makes me cranky, too.
TALIA
Without a workout in the Inner
Sanctum a few times a week I can't
concentrate.
LARRY CROWNE
Inappropriate subject in mixed
company.
SCOOTER HAIR STYLIST
For girl-talk this is nothing.
LARRY CROWNE
64.
TALIA
You you want to fix it with your
teacher? Bang her.
Talia slides a photo of herself making a face into Larry's
wallet, then adds a condom in its foil.
LARRY CROWNE
She's marred.
TALIA
You'd kill two birds in one bush.
Nothing wrong with a campus
romance. Otherwise life is what?
Breakfast work, coffee, school,
lunch, scoot, class, shop, talk,
Mexican food, a movie, glass of
wine or two then bed? That's not
living.
SCOOTER HAIR STYLIST
Not without some smooching time.
TALIA
Bet she'd give you an A plus.
(THEN)
If you're any good...
She and the Stylist crack up!
EXT. RIVERBANK BRANCH - LATER
Larry pulls in.
INT. RIVERBANK BRANCH - LATER
Larry has filled out a bunch of papers and is sitting down
with Laurie Gammelgaard, who offers him coffee.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
More complimentary coffee?
LARRY CROWNE
Complimentary coffee is usually
lousy.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
I drink it all day.
(THEN)
So? You're back!
65.
LARRY CROWNE
I got a job.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
Atta Baby!
LARRY CROWNE
Perry's Coffee shop. Breakfast all
day. And I'm going to school.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
At East City. I see.
(from the papers)
Larry, this doesn't change
anything.
LARRY CROWNE
I was afraid of that.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
The interest alone will eat up your
service industry salary.
LARRY CROWNE
You said come back in a few weeks.
It's been a few weeks.
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
Okay.
(THEN)
I will personally take this to my
supervisor and fight to get you the
loan you need. But you know how
complimentary coffee is always
lousy? Your chances are, too.
LARRY CROWNE
I can't make the payments on the
house. I'm going to lose it,
aren't I?
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
Stop with the gloomy puss. You're
doing everything right. Hang in
there. You still have a friend at
RiverBank.
LARRY CROWNE
You guys are forced to say that,
aren't you?
LAURIE GAMMELGAARD
66.
THUNDER ROLLS IN THE DISTANCE
EXT. SQUARE HOLE NO. 114 - MORNING
RAIN!
Coming down in buckets. Talia has the grate up, wrapping a
new outfit for Larry culled from her supply. Dell Gordo is
in a rain slicker.
DELL GORDO
I think it's letting up.
TALIA
It's going to storm till next year.
DELL GORDO
We can't stay here all day. Find a
raincoat and let's get a little
wet.
TALIA
I do not scoot in the rain.
DELL GORDO
How you going to get to school
then, College Co-Ed Belle?
Larry pulls up in his Karmann Ghia -- top up.
TALIA
My savior! Look at your new
schmatas.
(HOLDING BOOTS)
And footwear!
(hopping in, to Dell)
Stay dry, sweetie!
Dell Gordo is not happy to see this.
EXT. DONUT SHOP - MORNING - RAIN
It is raining. Mercedes' car is out front.
MERCEDES TAINOT (PRE-LAP)
I got engaged to a teacher/writer
with two books in print...
67.
INT. MERCEDES' CAR - MORNING - RAIN
The windows are fogging up. Frances and Mercedes sip take-
out coffee and eat glazed rings of death.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
I never read them.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Who did? I'm married to an ex-
teacher turned blogger with two
books in print. And oh, yes, he has
the libido and internet access of a
13-year-old.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
I had a boyfriend who owned every
movie Sophia Loren ever made. I d
hear a DVD go into the playe an
knew what I was going to be doing in
a half-hour.
Right next to them, Larry Crowne pulls up in his Karmann Ghia
with the top up and Talia in the passenger seat.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Once more to Divorce Court to
cashier a spouse, line my cloak
with alimony and do myself homage.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Othello. Act 1. Scene 1. Iago to
Roderigo.
Talia jumps out and runs into the donut shop.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Why can't all my students be like
y u?
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Because, as I learned in your
class, I am one of a kind.
Larry rolls down his window and yells something funny to her.
He never sees Mercedes or Frances.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH (CONT'D)
Hey, that guy's in your class.
Mercedes wipes fog off the window.
MERCEDES TAINOT
68.
P.O.V.
Talia is talking to the Donut Shop Lady, selecting crullers
and old-fashioneds.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
And that Toy Poodle he keeps on a
leash!
Mercedes eyes Larry in his car.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
That's why he's in college! To get
laid!
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
It happens.
Talia comes running out, with two coffees and a bag of
donuts, hops into Larry's car and they pull out as Talia puts a
ring of sweet into his mouth.
Mercedes rolls down her window and yells.
MERCEDES TAINOT
You are everything that's wrong
with America, Larry Crowne!
They did not hear her.
INT SPEE H 217 - MORNING
Larry is at the podium, prepping his "Personal First"
presentation as the class comes in. He is dressed as Talia
styled him.
DIBIASI
Woah! Larry Crowne, I didn't know
you were gay. You've gone all
Project Runway on us.
Mercedes enters, eyeing Larry with residual venom. He is
oblivious. She takes her listening post in the back of the
room as the class goes quiet.
LARRY CROWNE
Should I begin?
Mercedes signals 'Yeah, go ahead, asshole.'
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
first crossing of the Equator...
69.
MERCEDES TAINOT
(talking to herself in the MOVIE
DEVICE WAY)
Oh shut up you sleaze. Jerk.
(THEN)
Look at the new pants. They
actually fit. And that jacket is
'smart'. Did Busik put Larry
Crowne into Fashion for Creeps? An
old goat dressed like lamb.
(THEN)
Of course! It's that doe-eyed
young thing he's been wearing on
his sleeve. Dressing like he's
half his age. Give me a shotgun!
I'll pepper Larry Crowne right now!
(THEN)
Am I being unfair? I mean, if I
were single and some young buck
took to me, wouldn't I be inclined
to diddly-dally?
She looks at Dibiasi, who has snuck iPod earbuds onto his
head, is mouthing the words and playing air guitar.
The class erupts in l ughter. Mercedes wasn't paying
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Youth wouldn't be the only
requirement, of course.
attention to hear Larry's bon mot.
DIBIASI
(jerking out buds)
What? What he say?
LARRY CROWNE
Unless you're looking at a chart,
you don't even know the Equator
when you cross it...
MERCEDES TAINOT
A repackaged Larry Crowne won't
fool me. Shame on you. Going
after jail bait, you criminal.
Insert Viagra joke here...
(THEN)
herself at you... No. Don't let
up. No, Mercy. NO MERCY!
Polite applause. Mercedes pretends she heard every word.
70.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Anyone recall anything from that?
PINEDO
That Larry believed there were
signs on posts marking the Equator.
CALIMERIS
And that, when it's a first time,
they make the rookies dress in drag
and sing Abba songs?
Mercedes missed a lot of that. Everything, in f ct.
MACK
Larry worked on an Aircraft
Carrier! Night Carrier Landings
are the trickiest flying in world.
Mercedes is learning this for the first time as well.
MERCEDES TAINOT
That was a memorable nugget.
PINEDO
Larry was stationed in Panama! My
father is from Panama!
MERCEDES TAINOT
Mr. Koss to the lectern, please.
More anecdotes come from the class about Larry's speech.
Mercedes heard none of them...
EXT. STREET - DAY
Talia is riding alone. She slows at a TATTOO PARLOR...
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Larry bangs out orders.
Raul sits at the butchers block, sipping coffee, observing
his new kitchen staffer.
EXT. PERFECT SPACE - DAY
An empty store right next to the Tattoo Parlor. Talia is
looking through the window
71.
A hand-drawn sign with an arrow says "FOR LEASE ENQUIRE NEXT
DOOR ASK FOR MAURICE."
Talia smiles. Her mobile rings its unique ringtone.
STAN: "Scoot! Webster and Palm!"
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON
Larry is slapping orders together at the same time he h s his
studies out -- trying to do two jobs at the same tim
His mobile phone vibrates.
TALIA: "Scoot?"
He punches in
"Can't. Job."
He goes back to his studies just as another order comes up.
Then his phone vibrates again.
TALIA: "Job? Sob! Coming!"
LARRY CROWNE
Oh crap.
EXT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - LATER
Talia and the scooter gang pull in.
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - SAME
In they pour, sizing up the place for a hangout. Talia, Stan -
- minus Dell Gordo -- and others sit at the counter where
they can see Larry.
TALIA
Chef Corona! Steam us some corn
bread?
The others pretend to be grumpy diners: Feed us! What's a
Reuben Sandwich? Where's my Sanka!
LATER
Up comes order after order. Burgers. Hot beef sandwiches.
Turkey clubs. Greek Salads.
72.
TALIA (CONT'D)
Woman on deck!
Raul looks up from his Spanish Language Newspaper.
RAUL
You can't come in here.
TALIA
I'm a friend of Lance's.
RAUL
No Lance works for me.
Talia hops up to sit on a butcher block.
RAUL (CONT'D)
This is my kitchen and I am the
boss.
TALIA
Is he, Lance?
LARRY CROWNE
Raul's my boss, yeah.
TALIA
Rah-ool. Rhymes with ya-cool. Are
ya' cool, Raul?
RAUL
Sure I'm cool. Tough but fair,
too.
TALIA
As boss, do you make up the menu?
L
RAUL
A
N . But I do the purchasing.
R
TALIA
Is that a tough but fair job?
R
RAUL
Y
It makes me crazy, you kidding? But
it's gotta be done every day or
guess what? No food. I'll show you
how much I gotta do...
P
U
And just like that, Talia has seduced another man.
telling her the secrets of purchasing orders
s fries into the deep fryer.
RAUL IS
73.
LATER
Talia is with Perry at the register. She's seduced him now,
as he goes over the menu and what sells more than ever.
PERRY
Breakfast all day, see. From Corn
Flakes to popovers. We make the
best Chicken Fried Steak outside of a
truck stop.
TALIA
Can Lance take a break?
PERRY
Who?
TALIA
The artist formerly known as Larry. I
need his expertise.
PERRY
(CALLING)
Lance.
Perry signals to Larry then to Talia and makes a talking
gesture.
BOOTH - LATER
Larry and Talia sit. She has her notebook out -- sketches
and ideas and forms...
LARRY CROWNE
Square footage at this price is a
bargain.
TALIA
Maurice says I'm saving his life by
renting the space.
LARRY CROWNE
(WRITING)
This is your Matsutani Delta
Number. You net this every month,
you cover overhead, and the rest is
profit.
TALIA
You sure?
LARRY CROWNE
Chapter four.
74.
TALIA
You make it sound so simple!!
Talia is so excited she grabs Larry and showers his forehead
with kisses.
Appearing out of nowhere: Dell Gordo.
LARRY CROWNE
(BOLTING)
Well, back to work!
EXT. CHEESECAKE FACTORY - PARKING LOT - EARLY EVENING
Dean is opening the car door for Mercedes, putting on the
class act for a night out.
He laughs at a feeble joke we can't hear. The guy is trying.
LATER - NIGHT
They come right out the same door. They've argued and drank
all through the meal. Dean carries extra cheesecake home in
a dessert box. And, oh, they've been drinking.
DEAN TAINOT
Work my ass off all night trying to
get f i in' smile out of you!
MERCEDES TAINOT
I'm smiling...
DEAN TAINOT
Like The Joker after three Apple
Martinis.
MERCEDES TAINOT
If they help, they help.
DEAN TAINOT
We can't even have a Date Night
now? You can't even chillax for
one meal?
MERCEDES TAINOT
"Chillax?" Did you use the word
"chillax?" That come from your
Bloggers Thesaurus?
INT. CAR SHOT - MERCEDES' SEVEN-YEAR OLD CAR - NIGHT
75.
GPS VOICE
Please Enter your destination.
MERCEDES TAINOT
You lie to me, Dean. Every day.
You. Lie. To. Me.
DEAN TAINOT
You looking for a whole new man,
Mercy? I'm the jerk who has to
transform into Ultraman to make you
happy? No. I like myself, Mercy. I
put up with you and complain about
nothing.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I'm not complaining. I'm stating
the truth. I teach while you
pretend to work.
DEAN TAINOT
I had three postings today alone.
FogCaster, SkyScan, and
ParsecTwelve.com
MERCEDES TAINOT
Those weren't postings. They were
comments.
DEAN TAINOT
Hey, Booze-illa, who are you to
judge me?
(THEN)
I know what's really pissing you
off. I like big titties. And you
don't have any.
Yeow. A line has been crossed. A big, ugly line has just
been crossed. Even Dean knows it.
DEAN TAINOT (CONT'D)
Maybe I should take that back.
MERCEDES TAINOT
LET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CAR!!!
EXT. INTERSECTION - CONTINUOUS
A young couple -- call them JANET and TONY - have been on
their first date. It's gone well.
76.
JANET
As soon as I saw you, I said, "I
want to go out with that man."
TONY
What did you say when I asked you
out?
JANET
I said "Yes." You were there,
remember?
TONY
I saw you and I thought "I would be
a lucky guy if she'd go out with
me."
JANET
Yes you are.
TONY
Honestly, this is about as good a
first date goes, isn't it?
JANET
Disaster looms on most first dates,
but I'm talking to you like you're a
friend I want to make out with.
TONY
Hold that thought.
Dean and Mercy pull up beside them in their car.
Mercedes is out of the car before it even stops.
DEAN TAINOT
I take it back. I take it back.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Drive, asshole! Drive away!
DEAN TAINOT
I've been drinking, too.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Drive straight til you hit a cliff
on the coastline!
DEAN TAINOT
You win! I'm letting you win!
Everything you say is right and
WIN!
77.
MERCEDES TAINOT
LOSER! I MARRIED A LOSER!!! With
a tiny dick! Tiny dick LOSER!
DEAN TAINOT
Screw you, you washboard!
MERCEDES TAINOT
Oh, chillax!!!
GPS VOICE
Please enter your destination.
Dean screeches off into the night. Mercedes picks up a rock
and hurls it at him.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I'm throwing rocks at my own car !!
Janet and Tony are aghast - silent - in shock.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
The jerk who just deserted me? My
husband of 4 friggin' years!
She stomps off into the night. Janet and Tony don't know
what to do with each other now.
EXT. BUSINESS STREET - LATER
Mercedes is walking home. It's a bit longer than she would
like. She comes to a bus stop and studies the route. She
sits and removes her shoes.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I loved these shoes once. Stupid
shoes.
She sits at he stop, about to cry. Then she sort of does
cry, for so any reasons.
In the distance, we hear...
The ROAR of SCOOTERS. Then here they come. A night-time
'Scoot'.
All the REGULARS go by. Somewhere in the mix are Larry and
Talia.
Talia is just able to turn her head and see Ms. Tainot at the
bus stop. She slows.
78.
TALIA
Lance! Chick alert!
Larry is beside her. They stop.
TALIA (CONT'D)
You are not going to believe how
Fate meets cute!
She u-turns and Larry follows her, confused.
BUS BENCH
Mercedes wonders who these Mock Wild Ones are that pull up to
her.
LARRY CROWNE
Ms. Tainot?
MERCEDES TAINOT
No.
He takes off his helmet.
LARRY CROWNE
Larry Crowne.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Jesus Christ.
TALIA
And I've been calling you 'Lance'.
LARRY CROWNE
Do you need a ride? Hop on.
MERCEDES TAINOT
And bust up your romp in the glen
with Bambi?
TALIA
Hey. Bambi was a boy.
LARRY CROWNE
I was heading home.
(TO TALIA)
Right? We're done scooting?
TALIA
Not me. I love riding in the
night. Magic happens.
(TO LANCE)
79.
Away Talia scoots to catch up with the gang.
MERCEDES TAINOT
What do men see in irritating free
spirits?
Mercedes starts walking.
LARRY CROWNE
Seriously. I offer you a ride.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Seriously. I don't want one.
Larry shuts off his scooter, pushing it along with his feet
LARRY CROWNE
I've yet to give anyone a lift on
this but I think I can get you home
with a scraped elbow, worst case.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I am walking, Crowne, as thoughts
black boil up from my soul. Major
consequences sure to follow.
You'll read about them on
Parsectwelve.com.
LARRY CROWNE
An attractive woman like you
walking alone is a dumb idea.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I need a man flirting with me right
now like I need a dog crapping on my
lawn. I'm hoofing it.
LARRY CROWNE
In those shoes?
Mercedes ponders her shoes. He's got her. She stops.
MERCEDES TAINOT
A man who notices shoes.
(GIVING UP)
All right. I'll be your Cycle
Slut.
LARRY CROWNE
Put this on.
(HIS HELMET)
Strap your legs round my engine and
80.
MERCEDES TAINOT
It won't be a terrible thing if you
kill us both.
LARRY CROWNE
Ain't you a ball of fun?
Larry kick starts the scooter and off they go -- slowly.
IN MOTION
MERCEDES TAINOT
Are you really going to go this
slow?
LARRY CROWNE
I do want to survive this night.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Fine. I have time to window shop.
Oh look, a sale on tires at
AutoUSA. And here comes a mailbox.
I've never noticed their perfect
design and colo scheme. This is
so slow a cat could knock us over.
EXT. INTERSECTION - MINUTES LATER.
Here they come at the speed of a lazy cow. Mercedes is
singing "Sixteen Miles on the Erie Canal".
EXT. STREET - RIDING SHOT - LATER - ON THE SCOOTER
Larry shouts over his shoulder.
LARRY CROWNE
Where am I taking you?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Down to Portola and left to
Havenhurst. Havenhurst to Palermo.
Right on Palermo till I yell stop.
LARRY CROWNE
I may use this as a presentation in
class.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Try it and you'll flunk.
I am joking.
81.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
LARRY CROWNE
I like your class. You're making
us all do things we never thought
we could.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Put the shovel away and just get me
home, 'kay?
Up ahead, flashing lights.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Hail our City's Finest.
LARRY CROWNE
Someone's getting pinched...
A COP CAR with its cherry top flashing, has pulled over a
Drunk Driver.
It's Dean. They're making him touch his nose, breathe into a
test kit.
Mercedes starts laughing.
As they pass the crime scene, Dean is being put into the back
of the Prowler, cuffed...
Mercedes' laugh fills the night as they putt-putt along.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Measure his dick, officer! He's
too diminutive to drive!
(THEN)
Tiny dick loser!
Larry doesn't know what to make of that.
LARRY CROWNE
Bad night for that guy.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Best night I've had in years!
Drive on, McDuff!
EXT. CEDAR HILLS TOWNHOMES - NIGHT
In through the gates come our night crawlers. Mercedes is
82.
EXT. TAINOT TOWNHOUSE - SAME
Larry shuts off the motor. Mercedes is half asleep. She
doesn't remember to take off Larry's helmet.
LARRY CROWNE
Unit 114.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Thanks for the ox-cart ride.
Like a sleepwalker. Stands at the Alarm Pad.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
I can see the Alarm Pad. I know
the code. But my hands aren't
working.
(THEN)
Help me.
LARRY CROWNE
You don't want to give me your pass
code.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Just hold my hand up to the
numbers. I'll manage from there.
Larry takes her hand and guides it to the pad.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Look away now.
(HE DOES)
Two two two two. Pound.
Larry heard every word.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
W ere's my purse? Oh yeah. My car.
The key please? It's buried in
that plant.
Larry digs out an Altoids tin. Rattles it.
LARRY CROWNE
This it?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Why I think it is!
LARRY CROWNE
I'll get the door for you
Larry opens the door, reaches in, turns on the light.
83.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Take one step inside and I call
security.
Larry steps away from the door.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
And forget this ever happened.
LARRY CROWNE
What?
MERCEDES TAINOT
This whole sorry chapter tonight.
LARRY CROWNE
What?
MERCEDES TAINOT
You passing up Gidget for a flat
old coot like me.
LARRY CROWNE
What are you talking about?
MERCEDES TAINOT
What, you have no short-term
memory?
Larry has been tying to be polite.
LARRY CROWNE
When I say 'what', it means I get
it and have already purposefully
forgotten everything. Call it
irony.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Sarcasm. Irony is when Gallant
lands in the drunk tank while
Goofus scoots me home.
LARRY CROWNE
Goodnight, Ms. Tainot.
She doesn't move, but flashes her ring finger.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Mrs. I'm Mrs. Tainot. Can you not
see that?
LARRY CROWNE
I assumed you preferred Ms
84.
MERCEDES TAINOT
When we presume we make a pretty
pair of asses of me and you or
something like that.
(THEN)
Why aren't you married?
LARRY CROWNE
That's a long story and it's late.
(THEN)
My helmet?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Help yourself.
She sticks her neck out. If this were a movie, they might
kiss right now.
Larry pauses. Mercedes looks at him. He's not a bad looking
guy. He starts to undo the helmet strap.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
I noticed something on the ride.
LARRY CROWNE
WHAT
MERCEDES TAINOT
IT MAY
You smell good.
LARRY CROWNE
Thanks.
He gently removes the strap and helmet from her head.
be a bit sexy. Her hair tumbles out.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Do you have a crush on me? Single
student. Unattainable teacher. It's
common.
Larry has no idea what to say.
LARRY CROWNE
We all have crushes on you. Even
the gals.
MERCEDES TAINOT
You want to make out with me, you
can. I know I'm not a third rate
Audrey Hepburn wanna-be but I still
GOT MOVES
Come on, Gramps. Take this ride.
(MORE)
85.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
My spouse won't be home for 3 to 5
years.
Larry ponders this moment for as long as he can. He
shouldn't, of course. But, damn. She is Mercedes Tainot.
Bang.
It's a pretty good whammy kiss. Makes her splay her arms and
everything.
Larry pulls back. After a bit, though. She could have kept
at it, too.
LARRY CROWNE
Wow...
MERCEDES TAINOT
Pretty dang good. I still got it,
no?
LARRY CROWNE
Yes, you do..
(THEN)
In you go.
(Mercedes goes in)
Close the door.
(SHE DOES)
Lock it!
Larry hears the sound of the bolt. He walks away.
INT. TAINOT TOWNHOUSE - SAME
Mercedes leans against the door. What did she just do????
LARRY CROWNE (O.S.)
Goodnight, whoever you are!
MERCEDES TAINOT
Whoever I am...
EXT. TAINOT TOWNHOUSE - SAME
Larry wistfully starts his bike, looking back at the door.
He will not forget that kiss or this night. He drives off.
EXT. TAINOT TOWNHOUSE - MORNING
A TAXI is pulling up. Out of the back, Dean, looking like he
86.
He pays the cabbie, pissed off about everything. Then his
world gets much more complicated.
P.O.V.
All his possessions, stacked up in front of the door. On the
top of the heap, his computer. Turned on and showing porn
DEAN TAINOT
Oh, Jesus Hell and tomorrow...
(THEN)
Mercy!!!
EXT. E.C.C.C. TEACHERS' PARKING LOT - MORNING
Mercy feels terrible, stepping from her car, brutally
hungover.
As she straightens up, her eye catches...
LARRY CROWNE
On his scooter. Heading towards the Scooter parking.
She smiles -- a rare thing on a morning like this but the
memory of last night warrants it. She heads in that
direction.
EXT. E.C.C.C. CAMPUS - SAME
Mercy is trying to 'accidentally' run into Larry, but is
caught by surprise when..
He is walking right towards her. Oops. That would be
uncomfortable. She DUCKS behind a pillar.
Still wanting to 'bump' into the man who kissed her last
night, she circumvents his path, stalking Larry like a
birdwatcher tracks a blue-tailed swallow.
Hopping behind a tree, Mercy's SHOE gets caught in some mud.
Bending down, a branch catches her sweater and RIPS a seam.
Stepping onto the pavement, the tree branch SMACKS her in the
head.
Still, she keeps and eye on Larry. And pursues...
BENCH AREA
87.
Staying out of his eye line, Mercy navigates her way around
to the other side of the Bench Area and preps her appearance
before making a 180 degree reverse, guaranteeing a 'Meet'
with Larry.
Then she sees her.
TALIA
Sitting with others, greeting Larry with laughter and hugs
and hoots. Talia is announcing to all how she left Larry
with a drunken teacher last night, with her arm around his
waist and affection in her eyes.
MERCY
Is crushed. For the obvious reasons sh s ill can't
understand. She was hoping to have Larry to herself for a
minute or two.
TALIA AND LARRY
Amid the others...
TALIA
Oh, come on! I left you all set
up! What went down?
LARRY CROWNE
Epilog. School today.
TALIA
Lance! A Betty on your Scooter
after midnight? Holding on, her
arms around you, pressed against
your back, is a license to at least
cop a feel.
LARRY CROWNE
If we had ended up making out, you
still wouldn't hear it.
Talia slugs him. All in play...
MERCY
Convinced Larry is gossiping about last night, Mercy backs
away from the scene, and slinks away toward her class.
88.
INT. SPEECH 217 - DAY
Mercedes is in the back, wearing the darkest glasses allowed
a teacher in a classroom, hiding the fact that Mercy is
looking at Larry.
Larry is listening to Lala with delight.
PINEDO
Seeing them -- the Northern Lights,
the Aurora Borealis -- should have
been beyond me, but I was a little
girl in Coach class still awake, a
window seat, a moonless night
somewhere over Greenland with a
shimmering curtain of emerald,
gossamer light dancing just for me.
(THEN)
That is something I will remember
forever.
The SPEECH is over. The class erupts in applause for Lala,
who has hit a home-run. Foremost of the fans, Larry, who
rises in applause for the once quiet classmate.
Then the applause is over.
The teacher says nothing. DIBIASI
That was a knockout speech, Lala.
Made the news. Caused riots
downtown. School's out til 2019.
The students look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and
head ou .
MERCEDES TAINOT
Mr. Crowne? A moment please?
CALIMERIS
Why doesn't she just throw herself
at him?
PINEDO
This is bordering on harassment
now.
DIBIASI
Quiet down. I'm watching the TV
show...
MACK
Why doesn't this ever happen to me?
89.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I need a few moments alone with Mr.
Crowne thank you.
DIBIASI
Move along folks. Privacy's a
right in this great nation of ours.
MACK
You want I should close this door,
lock it, and barricade it so you
won't be disturbed??
We hear them cackling like geese in the hall.
LARRY CROWNE
How are the Triplets? Groggy,
Puffy, and Grumpy.
He means the hangover.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Last night was a confluence of too
many things happening in too short
a time span.
LARRY CROWNE
Last i ht? Let's see, what was I
doing? Studying some. Working
some. Can't recall. I've forgotten
everything that happened last night
as best a gentleman can.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I had no right to judge you or your
relationships. Date who you want.
Larry has no idea what that means.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
But what happened last night --
between adults -- was
inappropriate. If gossip were to
circulate, the problem could be
more than just embarrassing. My
status as a professor could be
tarnished.
LARRY CROWNE
I wouldn't want that.
MERCEDES TAINOT
happened before.
(MORE)
90.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
With parking attendants. Strangers
at parties when I've had a bit too
much of the demon rum. This was the
first time with a student.
(THEN)
I hope the entire thing will be
forgotten.
Larry has just had his feelings hurt by his teacher.
LARRY CROWNE
Sure. Nothing happened. At all.
MERCEDES TAINOT
So there will be no bravado among
you and your pals?
LARRY CROWNE
None.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Thank you, Mr. Crowne.
LARRY CROWNE
I'd better scurry along to Dr.
Matsutani's class. I hope I don't
have this same conversation with
him.
Larry leaves - a good mood ruined...
Mercy watches him go. What is going on behind those dark
glasses?
EXT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - AFTERNOON
Larry and Lamarr are sitting on the curb, watching kids play
down the street. They run back and forth in front of them
with a soccer ball.
They both have pipes, with Lamarr showing him how to light
up.
LAMARR
Puff. Don't suck. Then... relax.
(THEN)
See? Works.
LARRY CROWNE
I have to sell my car.
Put a new top on it.
91.
LARRY CROWNE
If I could afford a new top I could
afford to keep it.
LAMARR
What's the job paying you?
LARRY CROWNE
Half my UniMart salary.
LAMARR
You're down, Larry Crowne. Down as
dirt.
LARRY CROWNE
I'm looking back on the year Denise
left as the good old days.
LAMARR
Hang in there, neighbor.
LARRY CROWNE
Everyone keeps saying that.
LAMARR
I was in the same spot. Look what
happened.
LARRY CROWNE
The odds of two people on the same
street winning the lottery are
worse than one person on the street
winning the lottery.
LAMARR
I read how the universe is
expanding, Larry, taking us along
with it. That is a wild concept to
grasp, but what it means is, we all
have to hold on tight sometimes to
get to where we're going to be.
LARRY CROWNE
(THE PIPE)
This thing must be making me dizzy.
What?
LAMARR
Keep your grip. You'll be okay.
It's like the wife always says...
Shoppers pull up to Lamarr's Yard Sale. The WIFE has a
92.
LAMARR (CONT'D)
A woman with a measuring tape?
That's money in my pocket.
A ball flies in and hits Larry smack in the head, sending his
pipe flying.
EXT. UNIMART - PARKING LOT - DAY
Hardly any cars. Shopping carts are herded into their corral
by... former Team Leader Larry Crowne.
INT. UNIMART MAIN ENTRANCE - SAME
Larry stands where he was once king.
P.O.V.
The place looks different. Shabby. Unkempt. Understaffed.
He recognizes no one.
AISLE
No one is there to help Larry pick out two 'For Sale by
Owner' signs. And, he can't help it: he straightens out
some messed up racks and shelves.
REGISTER
Vasquez - Security - is gone, replaced by Cubby -- the former
Janitor who is now the skinniest SECURITY GUARD in history.
Larry slides the signs for purchase. Manning the thing?
Vicky Hurley. Not looking good
HURLEY
' ind bargains today?'
LARRY CROWNE
Vick? How you doing? Larry
Crowne.
Hurley looks at him. She looks tired. And stupid in her
Cashier's Apron.
HURLEY
Larry. Hi.
LARRY CROWNE
Why are you on the Register?
93.
HURLEY
Management Execs are now required
to put in 8-hour shifts on the
floor. Every day. No overtime.
No bonus. Just more hours. Cash or
UniMart Bargain Card? Like you
have one of them.
LARRY CROWNE
Cash. No receipt.
Hurley is robotic.
HURLEY
You got out of here just in time...
'Thank you for choosing UniMart,
where united we blah blah.'
EXT. A PARK - DAY
Trees. A picnic table. And Mercedes Tainot writing
individual words on pages of a steno book.
After each word, she folds each page many times and puts it
in a basket.
Up walks Dean Tainot, who looks neither happy nor cheerful.
DEAN TAINOT
Hi.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Thanks for coming.
DEAN TAINOT
No notice. No preamble. Just an
email and a google map.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I knew you'd be on the computer.
(THEN)
Working...
DEAN TAINOT
Point made.
(THEN)
So. What up.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Are we making a mistake here?
DEAN TAINOT
94.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Point made. We could change
things. We could start right now.
DEAN TAINOT
We could. Why should we?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Because we have history, Dean. But
first, my thoughts... I've got to
address drinking. I should be
able to comprehend and respond to
both sides of our conversations. And
the morning shower should be
refreshing, not a hangover cure.
DEAN TAINOT
I'd like that too.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Really?
DEAN TAINOT
You're not a pleasant woman after a
few glasses. Mornings with you are
to be survived.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Okay. Now, you.
Dean is caught short.
DEAN TAINOT
I see. I'm what this is all about.
MERCEDES TAINOT
There are plenty of items on the
relationship agenda but let's start
here.
DEAN TAINOT
You're talking about you but you
really mean me.
(THEN)
I am not yelling or begging or
saying you have to stop doing
anything. So you don't get to
either.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I'm not saying that.
95.
DEAN TAINOT
We've both been here before. Why
prolong the process? White flag! I
give up. This ain't working.
(THEN)
I'll sign papers and checks, see if
there's enough for a cool sports
car as a reward for the last few
years and eventually I will be fine
and you will too. But I am never
once going to look at myself as
another poor divorced guy who could
still be married if only he had
done the mea culpa bit for all his
faults.
(THEN)
I just now came up with that, and
it is going to be my next posting.
He pulls out his Blackberry and makes a note to himself.
DEAN TAINOT (CONT'D)
I don't think there is anything
else to talk about. Do you?
Mercedes looks at him. She has been a fool...
EXT. TAINOT TOWNHOME - PATIO
Mercy -- Margarita pitcher handy -- is still writing words on
paper, and drinking. Alone. Not good.
EXT. E.C.C.C. PARKING LOT - MORNING
The sign reads "FINALS WEEK: ENROLL FOR SPRING QUARTER."
INT. SPEECH 217 - MORNING
She is in the front of the class with a small box. Hungover?
A bit, yes...
MERCEDES TAINOT
Here I have surprise topics.
Friday, in a Lightning Round, you
must wax on that topic for 2
minutes without pause, repetition,
or lack of charm. No notes. One
visual aid.
(THEN)
Ms Pinedo Draw
96.
Ms. Pinedo pulls a paper from the box.
MS. PINEDO
'Potatoes?'
MERCEDES TAINOT
Spuds. Can't wait.
Dibiasi draws a paper.
DIBIASI
'Disraeli'? What is that?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Who is that?
DIBIASI
It's a guy from Disrael. I'm done.
Now it's Larry's turn. He shyly draws a paper -- a bit
uncomfortable in class since the recent events.
LARRY CROWNE
'Consumerism'.
MERCEDES TAINOT
That's supposed to say 'Communism.'
LARRY CROWNE
The handwriting is loopy. Looks
like 'Consumerism'.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Fine. 2 minutes on Consumerism.
Calimeris picks. Hers is loopy, too.
CALIMERIS
'Malpity Hoople.'
(THEN)
What's this say?
MERCEDES TAINOT
No idea. Just pick another.
INT. ECON 1 -- LATER
Dr. Matsutani is going on. Larry is looking for Talia, who
is not in class.
97.
DR. MATSUTANI
(HIS BOOK))
At the end of each chapter is a
study guide. Master those and you
will have mastered my book. Master
my book and you will take over the
world.
He laughs demonically.
DR. MATSUTANI (CONT'D)
By now you should be laughing with
me.
Larry can't believe Talia is not there...
EXT. TALIA'S NEW STORE - LATER
Larry scoots up. She is inside arranging a "Coming Soon!"
window display. Dell Gordo, Stan, and the Squad are all
inside building shelves and racks.
She comes out of the store.
TALIA
You digging what you see?
LARRY CROWNE
You missed Matsutani's class.
Review for the final.
TALIA
I'm done w th college.
LARRY CROWNE
What? Why?
TALIA
Because I'm going into business.
LARRY CROWNE
Talia. Don't be a fool. Stay in
school. Don't throw away your
education.
TALIA
And don't drink and drive or do
drugs and quit smoking and eat
vegetables. I don't. I stopped.
I did. I do.
LARRY CROWNE
98.
TALIA
Pretty much. Oh, look. Maurice
gave us free tattoos. I wanted
something in Japanese so check this
out.
She shows it to him, just above her butt-crack. It's two
Japanese characters.
TALIA (CONT'D)
That one says 'courage'. That one
says 'spirit'. Courageous Spirit.
Dell Gordo knocks on the window as Larry has his hands on his
gal's butt... "What's this, Lance??"
LARRY CROWNE
Japanese characters go the other
way and that says Soy Sauce.
TALIA
Oh shut up.
LARRY CROWNE
It does. Soy sauce. Soy. Sauce.
Quitting school is for dopes.
It does, actually say Soy Sauce. He is starting his scooter.
TALIA
Be here for our Grand Opening!
LARRY CROWNE
Might not make it. I have finals!
OPEN SKY
Larry comes into frame, with a hammer and stake.
EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE - DAY
He is pounding the FOR SALE sign into his front lawn.
Laurie Gammelgaard pulls up her new VW Bug with a COUPLE in
the back seat. They get out and Larry nods as he waves them
to the door.
He remains on the lawn, looking at his neighborhood -- the
kids, the dogs -- Lamarr across the street.
It's all over...
99.
EXT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
Frances and Mercedes have pulled up in her car.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
This place anonymous enough?
MERCEDES TAINOT
As long as alcohol's out of my
grasp.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
They have good pie, they say.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Great. Sugar can replace tequila
in my bloodstream, my thighs, and
the folds in my neck.
They pass a car prominently parked - Larry's Convertible
Karmann Ghia with a sign on its windshield: "FOR SALE BY
OWNER."
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH (PRE-LAP)
So. You're a mess.
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - SAME
They sit in a back booth where she would never see Larry.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Yep.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
You'd think leggy blondes like us
would be impervious, right?
At that moment, Larry Crowne happens to come out of the
kitchen to help himself to a cup of coffee.
Mercedes sees him just as Perry comes up with menus.
PERRY
Ladies. Bring an appetite?
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
The mark of a restaurant is their
Key Lime pie.
Mercedes is surprised to see Larry in a chef's hat.
PERRY
100.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
No Key Lime?
PERRY
Cream pies I got.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Boston Cream?
PERRY
Boston Cream? Key Lime? Lady,
you're killing me here.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Phooey. Peach. Peach pie.
PERRY
Ma'am?
MERCEDES TAINOT
I'll have the French Toast.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
French Toast?
MERCEDES TAINOT
(on the menu)
Breakfast all day.
Perry leaves to put in the order.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
You won't believe how far I fell on
the Hooch-o-meter.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
I have seen it happen a time or
two.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I kissed a boy.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
When, third grade?
MERCEDES TAINOT
One of my students.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
You Hoor.
(THEN)
Gimme the friggin' details! He's
not a minor is he?
101.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Older than me.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Hugh Hefner in your class? What
went down?
MERCEDES TAINOT
He sort of... rescued me. And...
he smelled nice.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
He a fireman who bakes bread?
MERCEDES TAINOT
I wanted to be kissed so asked if he
wanted to and he did.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Bold. Who is he?
KITCHEN
Perry slides over a plate of French Toast -- with one bite
out of it. Larry looks up from his Econ. 1 Textbook.
PERRY
You're slipping, Larry.
(THE TOAST)
Lady says it's not French Toast as
she knows it.
LARRY CROWNE
She's insane.
PERRY
Take it up with her.
Larry heads out of the kitchen.
PERRY (CONT'D)
No shouting, okay? This is a
family friendly establishment.
BOOTH
Here comes Larry, not yet seeing Mercedes.
LARRY CROWNE
Frances Taylor-Briegh. You have a
problem with your order?
MERCEDES TAINOT
102.
Knock Larry over with a feather.
LARRY CROWNE
Mrs. Tainot.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
(TO MERCEDES)
The student of yours!?
MERCEDES TAINOT
This is Larry Crowne.
LARRY CROWNE
There's no way in creation I screw
up French Toast.
MERCEDES TAINOT
It was fine, actually.
(THEN)
I wanted to see if it was really
you cooking back there. And say,
howdy. Howdy doody.
During the following, Frances is trying to get a whiff of
Larry -- to find out how he smells.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Ready for the final?
LARRY CROWNE
You'll be the judge of that.
The is a beat of silence.
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
So, your meal is satisfactory?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Absolutely.
LARRY CROWNE
Would you let my boss know so I
don't lose this job?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Yes indeed.
LARRY CROWNE
Shall I prepare you another batch?
MERCEDES TAINOT
No. Thanks.
103.
LARRY CROWNE
Then I will return to my station..
Mercedes watches him go.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
You kissed the cook...
(THEN)
I got a whiff. He smelled like
bell pepper.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Look at the men in my life.
FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
Blame it on the booze... and
collect yourself.
(THEN)
You hoor...
MERCEDES TAINOT
That's my problem. I'm a drunken
hoor.
KITCHEN FRANCES TAYLOR-BRIEGH
That ends... right now.
(THEN)
Check please?
Larry comes back through the door, humiliation wracking his
face. He tosses the French Toast down the disposal.
INT. TAINOT TOWNHOME - LATER
Mercedes and Frances are ATTACKING the house with vacuums,
cleaners, and fortitude.
BOOKS on Shakespeare and Shaw go on shelves where Dean's
tomes used to rest. Computer wires are not even untangled,
just chucked.
KITCHEN
The cupboard is open. Where there was once booze go coffees
and teas.
MUSIC is playing as these girlfriends reconstruct Mercy's
life...
104.
EXT. LARRY CROWNE'S CUL-DE-SAC - NIGHT
The street is empty. Larry is on his scooter, riding around
and around and around the block that he will soon leave.
He can see his NEIGHBORS through the open windows -- KIDS
bouncing on a couch...A QUARTET OF OLD FOLKS playing cards
and laughing... a MOVIE playing on a big TV.
This was Larry's street...
CUT TO:
SUNRISE
EXT. TAINOT TOWNHOUSE - MORNING
Mercedes exits the door, crisp, clean -- like we've never
seen her in the mornings. See the way she holds, not
clutches, her Thermo-Cup?
EXT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - MORNING
He's wearing a zipped up jacket. Kids and dog-walkers pass
as his scooter starts pronto, he is off...
The FOR SALE sign on his lawn has an addition: IN ESCROW
INT. SPEECH 217 - LATER
On the projected computer screen: A portrait of DISRAELI.
Dibiasi is giving his speech, but we are hearing Mercedes...
MERCEDES TAINOT
What a difference from day one. I
must be a better teacher than I
thought.
(THEN)
Dibiasi is nailing it. Calimeris
stopped up-talking. Lala you can't
shut up. Mack spoke about
Australia for three minutes and
mentioned kangaroos only twice. And
Larry Crowne...
Larry is listening to Dibiasi, wearing what was once his
UniMart polo, with his nametag and everything. Compared to
the man he is now, that polo looks out of place..
105.
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
I was tough on him. But he learned
fast. How he connected the Circle
of Sales to the expanding universe
is impressive as hell. I'll never
forget about the Value Index now.
He gave a perfect speech.
(THEN)
And... He's polite. Instead of
fighting me off that night, what
does he do but kisses me one and
then all but tucks me in. What kind
of guy does that to a loopy tramp
like me? He could have ravaged me.
I misread this guy and if I had a
brain I'd find a way to steal him
away from that cutie pie and keep
him for myself. I wonder if he'd
like that, if he would... What did
I just say?
(THEN)
What did I just say about Larry
Crowne?
The class has stopped. It seems that Mercedes just said that
last bit out loud and everyone heard it. The women eye each
other. The men stifle laughs.
DIBIASI
Nothing. And I was just wrapping
up here.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I'm so sorry. Please go on.
DIBIASI
Larry? It okay if I get to my
climax and denouement?
Larry nods.
DIBIASI (CONT'D)
Thank you... If it was the romance
novelist in him that made Victoria
the Queen become such a pal, chalk
it up as another brick in the
legacy of Ben Disraeli -- Earl of
Beaconsfield - Educator - and Prime
Minister of Great Britain. Not bad
for a Jewish guy, huh?
Dibiasi is done. Applause.
106.
PINEDO
Not so much as a bump, Nomad!
Why'd you go last?
DIBIASI
Fourth quarter dramatics.
(THEN)
Not that it mattered to my Speech
professor...
MERCEDES TAINOT
Congratulations all of you.
MACK
Who's the MVP, Mrs. Tainot? Can we
vote?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Not me, I have to stay objective.
MACK
I say... Lala!
They all say Lala! It's unanimous! They start chanting her
name. "La la! La la! La la!" -- embarrassing her.
Larry sits her down in her chair and gets the other guys to
pick her up like she's the bride at a wedding.
It's a spontaneous party that Mercedes has to back out of.
As she leaves, she looks back long enough to see Larry Crowne
leading a parade around the room.
INT. ECON. 1 - LATER
Everyone is taking the final.
Dr. Matsutani. Looking around the class. Using his hands
like a pair of binoculars.
Lala is using a thesaurus and dictionary to polish answers.
Larry is finished. He walks up to Dr. M. and hands in his
Blue Book.
DR. MATSUTANI
The first to finish. No surprise.
Dr. Matsutani hands Larry his confiscated phone. Larry
leaves.
107.
INT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - KITCHEN
The final utensils are going into a box. Larry is doing this
part himself.
He sits for a moment -- in the breakfast nook -- surveying
his kitchen, what was once his.
Mack comes in with a box of his LP's.
MACK
This is the last of them. Damn,
you have a lot of records.
LARRY CROWNE
Priceless at a buck apiece.
EXT. LARRY CROWNE'S HOME - LATER
His furnishings are out on the lawn. Lamarr and Patience are
looking them over. Mack and Dibiasi are putting the last of
his things into Mack's huge SUV and Larry's car.
PATIENCE
A two-bedroom apartment and you
don't have room for your furniture?
LAMARR
Selling this futon-sofabed? All
those years across the street and
you've learned nothing.
(THEN)
What's the minimum you'll take for
this stuff?
LARRY CROWNE
You'll get me top price.
LAMARR
You did learn.
DIBIASI
Pizza at last!
LARRY CROWNE
Here's lunch as promised!
The BIG STORK PIZZA GUY pulls up in a different car but the
same sign.
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
108.
STRANG
Son of a cock. Larry Crowne.
The Pizza guy is none other than Jack Strang.
LARRY CROWNE
Jack Strang. Wow. This is irony.
STRANG
Two extra large. One Salad Bucket.
Box of Frosty Cinnamon Eggs. Sixteen-
fifty.
Larry hands him the coupon and a Twenty.
LARRY CROWNE
Jack. I need two bucks back.
Times are tough.
STRANG
Tell me about it.
LARRY CROWNE
Ah. Forget it. Keep the change.
Strang leaves. Larry watches him go.
him. It almost was.
STRANG
I appreciate it.
That could have been
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - LATER
Raul and Perry are talking when they see Mercedes Tainot
enter.
RAUL
My next wife just walked in.
Perry looks.
PERRY
I love this business sometimes.
(GREETING MERCEDES)
Something told me you'd be back.
Is Larry Crowne working today?
KITCHEN
Larry is arranging his station.
109.
PERRY
Larry, your Speech 217 teacher has a
question about the menu.
Larry can see her. She looks gorgeous.
RAUL
Go ahead. I'll take the window
even though I'm the boss of the
whole kitchen.
BOOTH - LARRY'S HQ - LATER
Mercedes is having coffee.
MERCEDES TAINOT
There's Larry Crowne. Are you
allowed to sit?
(HE DOES)
Where does Perry get his coffee?
LARRY CROWNE
I add chicory and a bit of vanilla.
Trick I picked up in the Navy.
MERCEDES TAINOT
You're probably wondering why I
stopped by. Well, it's to tell you
your grade for Speech 217. You
killed on the final and have an A.
Way to go!
She offers him a Terrorist Fist Bump. With the hand that no
longer has a wedding ring on it...
MERCEDES TAINOT (CONT'D)
Actually, everybody got an A, but
you got the special A where I tell
you in person.
LARRY CROWNE
Didn't expect that. Thanks, Mrs.
Tainot.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Class is out. Call me Mercedes.
Or Mercy, for short.
(THEN)
So. Just wanted to congratulate
you. Your girlfriend will be
thrilled.
LARRY CROWNE
110.
MERCEDES TAINOT
No. I meant the... never mind.
(THEN)
Which classes are you going to ace
next term?
LARRY CROWNE
This has turned into a full time
gig. Out of necessity.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I hope you continue your education.
Back at East City. You've made
such a good start.
LARRY CROWNE
I'll have to see.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I got Speech 217 moved to 10 AM,
thank God. Who knows what I'll
hear with the extra sleep.
LARRY CROWNE
My first class in college ever.
And I get an A. Gotta be the
teacher.
They look at each other.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Should get going.
(THEN)
You don't know anything about car
devices, do you?
LARRY CROWNE
Cars not much. Devices some.
They rise.
EXT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - PARKING LOT - SAME
Mercy is opening her door, starting her car.
GPS VOICE
Please enter your destination.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Oh be quiet.
That's a MapGenie.
111.
MERCEDES TAINOT
It is Hellspawn.
LARRY CROWNE
In my old job, I'd have steered you
to a Vortex unit. The MapGenie
interface is clumsy and the menu
needs too many inputs.
He is reaching into the car, across her to tap the unit.
MERCEDES TAINOT
It was working fine. Then I think
I pressed too many buttons.
LARRY CROWNE
Ah. The Auto On Feature is
engaged. Menu. Select. Features.
Auto Voice. Select. Change? Yes.
On. Off. Done? Yes. Save. Back.
Back. Back. Exit.
While he was doing that, Mercedes was smelling what she could
of Larry. She liked it. She looked at his neck, his ears.
And smelled him.
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
How long was this broken?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Seemed like years and years.
LARRY CROWNE
All better now. Should be able to
find your way.
Nothing to do now but say goodbye.
They hear a pounding.
Raul is at the window inside the cafe, signaling the break is
over.
LARRY CROWNE (CONT'D)
My Boss. Back to work.
(THEN)
Thanks for the good news...
INT. PERRY'S COFFEE SHOP - SAME
Perry greets him at the door.
112.
PERRY
Kimosabe, holding off til after
school to woo the teacher is the
move of a class act.
Larry turns to watch Mercedes drive away.
EXT. E.C.C.C. PARKING LOT - MORNING
The sign says "New Term Beginning! $20 a unit! Ask about
Financial Aid!"
Did you notice? The cost of an education just went up...
INT. PORTABLE CLASSROOM - DAY
Mercedes has just written "Care" next to "Welcome to
Shakespeare!!" up on the board. She turns. And does a quick
head count.
Only 6 students are enrolled. She's going to lose this one,
again.
Clumps up the wooden steps are heard...
Calimeris, Mack, Pinedo, and Dibiasi come tramping in. Twelve
students now.
DIBIASI
(on his phone)
I gotta get off, Baby, or I'm in
hot water with Professor Tai-bo...
Mercy does a Shakespearean dance of joy.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Is Larry with you?
CALIMERIS
Um, no. Should we track him down
and drag him in here?
Mercedes does her best to hide her disappointment.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I... Seeing you all... I just
thought...
(THEN)
Choose a seat and lets get started!
The four smile at each other...
113.
PINEDO
Carrying a torch for Larry til it
burns her hands...
EXT. E.C.C.C. CAMPUS - LATER
Mercedes is walking to another building, another class.
She may not realize it, but she is looking for Larry Crowne.
Busik is busy chatting her up. Seriously chatting her up.
BUSIK
All the excitement of first day of
term, I don't want to go back to my
empty apartment. Do you? I need a
drink and some talk and some wind-
down time. Don't you?
DR. MATSUTANI (O.C.)
Ms. Tainot?
She turns.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Dr. M.
DR. MATSUTANI
Larry Crowne is taking six units
from me, devouring the material
like a starving man.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Larry's enrolled?
DR. MATSUTANI
He's continuing his education and
tells me it is because of you.
That your class changed his life.
Mercedes finds herself smiling -- beaming...
MERCEDES TAINOT
Larry said that about me?
BUSIK
Oh yeah! I put that guy in your
class. So technically, I changed
his life.
MERCEDES TAINOT
He is a good student
114.
DR. MATSUTANI
And handy on a scooter.
(THEN)
Is there any chance you would
consider having drinks with an
older faculty peer who holds a PhD
in Economics?
MERCEDES TAINOT
Well, no. No offense Dr. M.
DR. MATSUTANI
The rumor is you are newly single
and I was just taking a shot.
Mercy looks right at Busik.
MERCEDES TAINOT
News travels fast.
Busik pretends he knows nothing...
BUSIK
If you're going out, I'm not doing
anything.
DR. MATSUTANI
Have you ever been to Hooters?
BUSIK
For the spicy wings, yes!
EXT. E.C.C.C. TEACHERS' PARKING LOT - LATER
There is a note on Mercy's car. She takes it.
"To test your MapGenie: 4225 Harbor Blvd. 2nd floor. An 'A'
student."
Her breath catches in her heart...
EXT. MERCEDES' CAR - LATER
Mercedes is driving.
GPS VOICE
Right Turn.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Got it Turning right
115.
GPS VOICE
Your destination is ahead on the
right.
MERCEDES TAINOT
It is? That was a breeze. Thank
you.
EXT. TALIA'S NEW STORE - SAME
Open for business with bunting and everything. Talia is
eating take out sushi and reading the soy sauce packet. She
is tying to check out her ass-crack tattoo to see if it
really does say 'Soy Sauce'.
Mercedes has arrived. Talia sees her and comes out.
Lamarr is around. Patience, too.
We might notice that Dell Gordo and Larry now dress exactly
alike, as we've seen the same jacket once on Lance Corona.
TALIA
I love that blouse with that skirt
but I'd show more leg if I were
you.
MERCEDES TAINOT
I'm Mercy Tainot
TALIA
Bambi Romp in the Glen. Looking
for Lance?
MERCEDES TAINOT
4225 Harbor?
TALIA
This is 4227.
(POINTING)
4225. You'll see the stairs.
The tattoo parlor. Larry's scooter is right in front. As she
goes.
TALIA (CONT'D)
Little higher heels'll get you wolf
whistles.
116.
EXT. TATTOO PARLOR - STAIRS TO UPPER FLOOR
Music is playing. A nice view is revealed as Mercy arrives on
a nice little porch. On a little table sits a potted plant.
In the potted plant is an Altoids tin.
Mercy gives it a rattle. In the tin, a brand new key.
Mercy takes the key. Slides it into the lock and slowly
opens the door.
The music gets louder. She can't see much into the tiny
flat, but she can make out...
Larry, arranging the last of his stuff.
Mercy stands at the door until he sees her.
When he does, he says nothing. But steps to her and smells
her - her neck, her hair.
MERCEDES TAINOT
Did you tell Ed Matsutani taking my
class changed your life?
LARRY CROWNE
Yes.
MERCEDES TAINOT
How?
LARRY CROWNE
I met you.
That's it.
They kiss. Damn fine whammy kiss.
INT. LARRY CROWNE'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN
No larger than the nook of his old house. Breakfast is being
served.
The most beautiful woman ever to wear a bathrobe has made
French Toast and is settling into the Breakfast Nook.
Larry Crowne has his hair all on one side of his head -- post-
Afternoon-Of-Amok-Loving. His arm shows a Navy tattoo that
may be old or new...
Mercy Tainot glows in and out. She slides next to him, close
to him The meal is perfect
117.
EXT. HARBOR BLVD. - LATER
Mercy is still in her robe, riding on Larry's scooter, back
and forth in front of the Parlor and Talia's store.
Larry is having coffee, sitting on the steps, watching her
ride back and forth.
She is getting good.
Talia and the gang spill out of the store to watch her.
Hoots and laughter.
Larry uses his robe as a matador's cape, Mercy as the bull.
As she passes under his flaring cape...
THE END
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