Rev. 08/20/02 (2nd Blue)
Rev. 08/22/02 (2nd Pink)
Rev. 01/29/03 (2nd Yellow)
MALIBU'S MOST WANTED
Fax Bahr & Adam Small &
Jamie Kennedy and Nick Swardson
Nick Swardson & Jamie Kennedy
and Fax Bahr & Adam Small & Jamie Kennedy
FULL YELLOW DRAFT
July 25, 2002
MALIBU'S MOST WANTED
MUSIC: GRAND MASTER FLASH'S "The Message" KICKS IN and
as MAIN TITLES ROLL we...
1 EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DAY 1
A tricked-out Cadillac Escalade with the windows tinted
deep black rolls INTO FRAME.
'It's like a jungle sometimes,
It makes me wonder how I keep from
A1 ESCALADE A1
passes three people doing tai chi on a bluff overlooking
'Broken glass everywhere, people
pissing on the stairs
you know they just don't care...'
B1 ESCALADE B1
passes a gorgeous Labrador retriever snatching a Frisbee
'Can't take the smell,
Can't take the noise,
Got no money to move out
I guess I got no choice...'
C1 ESCALADE C1
passes two horse back riders galloping along the beach...
'Rats in the front room,
Roaches in the back...'
D1 ESCALADE D1
passes a gleaming mansion with a massive putting green-
D1 CONTINUED: D1
'Junkie's in the alley
With a baseball bat...'
E1 ESCALADE E1
passes blonde Little Leaguers playing baseball in crisp
'A crazy lady, livin' in a bag,
Eatin' outta garbage pails,
Used to be a fag hag...'
F1 ESCALADE F1
passes two rich housewives clutching shopping bags from
the most expensive stores on the planet...
'Don't push me cuz I'm close to
I'm tryin', not to lose my
G1 ANGLE ON ESCALADE G1
Drives through a security gate and into a gated community
of brand new mansions...
'It's like a jungle sometimes, it
makes me wonder,
How I keep from goin' under...'
2 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION (MALIBU) - DAY 2
A small crowd and the press are gathered around BILL
GLUCKMAN, his wife BESS (40s, lots of plastic surgery)
and daughter BRENDA (11) who are on the porch of their
2 CONTINUED: 2
... And so if you elect me
governor, I promise to take care
of California the same way I take
care of my own family; with
compassion, caring, kindness, and
most of all, with an interest in
everyone. My friends...
'California is my family!'
The crowd cheers and waves "Gluckman For Governor" signs.
Speaking of family, I'd like to
introduce my wife Bess...
Bess smiles and waves.
... and my daughter, little
Brenda smiles and waves like a campaign-trail veteran.
The press begins shouting questions. Bill picks...
Where's your son?
Bill is instantly flustered and TOM GIBBONS, Bill's
campaign manager (African-American, but the soul of
William F. Buckley) steps in front of Bill.
Thank you for all your questions,
but we've run out of...
Just then the ground shakes with a frightening RUMBLE.
Everyone quiets down -- is it an earthquake? As the
RUMBLE HITS again, the surface of the water in the koi
pond ripples, a la Jurassic Park.
Reporters look around anxiously as another RUMBLE HITS;
Bill's face falls as he sees...
2 CONTINUED: (2) 2
The Escalade rolls into the driveway, hopping up and down
on its amped-up hydraulics like something from Crenshaw
Boulevard on a Friday night.
The rear doors pop open and MOCHA (a.k.a. CHADWICK VAN
PELT), dressed head to toe in hip-hop gear, steps out of
the passenger side.
Yo yo yoooo! Listen up, y'all!
He lays down a beat "human beat box"-style as MONSTER
(a.k.a. MIRIAM SHAIDELBAUM) climbs out. She's big,
wearing short shorts, a tight leather halter, huge hoop
earrings and oversized designer sunglasses.
Y'all better chill...
Next out is HADJI (a.k.a. YUSEF AMIRASLANI), a skinny
Persian kid with cornrows.
... 'cuz B-Rad G about to get
The driver's door swings open, and a gleaming white pair
of four hundred dollar, untied Nike sneaks as they step
to the pavement; we CRANE UP, PAST Nike sweats, to BRAD
GLUCKMAN, wearing a do rag under his Nike baseball cap.
Yo! What's up all you media
people?! This is B-Rad G, kickin'
it real from the 'bu,
Four fine white girls in bikini tops, vinyl shorts and
Timberlands come out and dance behind Brad, shaking
everything they've got. Reporters move in like vultures.
'Y'all gathered here on this
Listen to my pops, he's your
West Coast liaison'
So show up, don't make me throw
2 CONTINUED: (3) 2
Take out your purse and cough some
My chickens get wit you, if you
And don't worry y'all, cuz my
girls is tight.
Immigration, education, runaway
California ain't flowin' like old
Vote Bill G on your election
If you don't I'm gonna hit you wit
Get Glucked y'all!
Tom again steps in and blocks Brad from view.
That's it for today, guys, very
busy schedule, thank you!!
Reporters shout questions as Tom herds Bill up the steps.
Two staff members hustle Brad into the house.
3 INT. MANSION - DEN - 15 MINUTES LATER 3
Bill Gluckman's election team (GARY, JEN, and BRETT) work
the phones as Tom paces; Bill stares out the window,
What's the damage?
We're down nine points in the
In fifteen minutes?
It's a disaster.
3 CONTINUED: 3
What's the spin?
I called the Times and the
Chronicle, they're gonna play the
whole thing off as a joke.
How the hell did this happen?
I have no idea. I thought he was
out of town.
Jen, I gave you specific orders to
get some handlers and keep Brad
locked down until after the
I did! They flew to the ranch in
Maui last night!
Maui?! Wasn't he at the villa in
I thought he was at the chalet in
Nope... It was the compound in
Oh for God's sake! Can't we --
Brad enters and Tom shuts up.
Yo, Pops, that was off the
hizzook! I just got you another
million votes right dare!
3 CONTINUED: (2) 3
Brad's pants are so baggy, they fall to his ankles,
exposing his boxers. Brad pulls them up.
What are you doing here, son?
I knew I had to show up in order
for you to blow up. So I had
Captain Tony fire up the Lear
jizzy and booya! I'm in da hizzy,
gonna be on the campaign trizzy,
24/seven, you know, kissin' babies
and whatnot. Pound it!
Brad holds out his fist and Bill reluctantly hits it. On
his way out, Brad chest-bumps Tom.
Bill, you've got to shut this
down, now. Tell Brad he can't
work with you, period.
No, no. I love his enthusiasm...
It's just a little misguided.
There must be something he can do
for the campaign, where he can't
I don't know... phones, stuffing
envelopes, making signs,
4 EXT. HANCOCK PARK - BACK YARD - DAY 4
Bill is at the end of a stirring speech to the Women's
Organization of California.
... in Bill Gluckman's
administration, women will have
better health care, women will
have better day care, and women
will have better jobs! From here
on in, my campaign has a new
4 CONTINUED: 4
Tom signals Brad, who enthusiastically yanks a cord, and
WIDE SHOT - HUGE BANNER
unfurls behind Bill. It is spray-painted graffiti-style,
and reads: "BILL GLUCKMAN'S DOWN WITH THE BITCHES AND
Brad looks on proudly; Tom closes his eyes, a migraine
5 INT. LIMO - DAY 5
An angry mob of women chase the limo as it backs down the
driveway full speed.
Bill Gluckman's down with the
bitches and ho's'?
It was supposed to read, 'Women
are first with Gluckman.'
That's old school. Pops, you got
to keep your pimp hand strong.
6 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - DAY 6
The limo pulls in. Bill, Tom and Brad get out.
Peep y'all later. I'ma go work on
my new campaign rhyme, 'Election
Erection.' It's gonna be large!
Yo! I'ma start on a new sign.
6 CONTINUED: 6
He heads for the house.
That's it, Bill. If Brad doesn't
straighten up, your political
career is finished.
No, Tom. I promise you, I will
not lose this election over my
What are you going to do?
Set up an appointment with my
7 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY 7
Plush. Brad sits unhappily on an overstuffed couch
opposite DR. FELDMAN. Bess and Bill sit off to the side.
Why you keep callin' me dat?
Well that's your name, isn't it?
It's my slave name, a'ight? I
told you like fi'ty times.
Yes, okay... B-Rad...
Let's play an association game.
He picks up three CD's, keeping the backs to Brad.
7 CONTINUED: 7
Alright, B-Rad. I want you to
look at these...
He turns the first one around. It's an NWA CD. Next is
a Snoop CD, then a Naz CD, and last is Brad's high school
Now, which one doesn't belong?
Shoot. N.W.A., fool. They broke
up a long time ago.
Dammit, Brad, stop acting like a
gang member. You're from Malibu,
you live in a nice home...
With nice maids!
Bill, Bess, go to your happy
Bill sits back, frustrated.
What are your goals, B-Rad? What
do you want out of life?
To be the biggest rapper dere ever
was! See, I got something to say,
and I need the world to hear it.
I'm the shiznit. I'll buy y'all
I see. And when did you first
start feeling like you were
Oh, damn... way back in the day.
I've had these beats in my head
since I was a little shortie...
8 FLASHBACK - INT. GLUCKMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY (1980) 8
Toddler Brad (3 years old) sits on the floor, playing
with a toy as GLADYS, Brad's housekeeper (African-
American, thirty) vacuums, while listening to her
Walkman. The PHONE RINGS, Gladys pulls off her Walkman
headphones and answers the RINGING PHONE.
Brad takes the headphones and pulls them over his ears.
No, Bill and Bess are out of the
country until December.
His eyes go wide as the hip-hop gold enters his head for
the first time...
From then on it was hip-hop
9 INT. GLUCKMAN DINING ROOM - NIGHT (1984) 9
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BRAD sits alone at the table, wearing a
Run DMC hat (a la "Rock Box", playing with his food. His
headphones, around his neck, BLARE NWA.
Finish those vegetables, Bradley.
You can't be excused until you do.
Tch. Forget y'all.
REVEAL: on the table across from Brad is a video
conference system. Both parents are on separate monitors
-- Bess's has a sign that reads, "Paris," and Bill's
reads, "Tokyo." There is a place setting in front of
each monitor, as if they're dining with him.
That's it, mister.
When we get home... sometime in
the near future... you're going to
be in big trouble!!
9 CONTINUED: 9
Using the remote, Brad changes the channel on his
parents' monitors to "Yo MTV Raps."
10 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT) 10
What I'm sensing, Brad, is that
your parents weren't really there
What about your bar mitzvah?
11 FLASHBACK - INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY 11
Bill and Bess enter with suitcases. The house is crowded
with relatives and Brad's 13-year-old friends.
Mazel tov, Bradley!
UNCLE LOUIE, fifty and fat, with prayer shawl and
yarmulke, moves past them and calls out to Brad:
UNCLE LOUIE (O.S.)
What's the theme of your party,
kid? Star Wars? Baseball?
REVEAL: THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD BRAD dressed like Flava Flav,
a big clock around his neck, looking like he's just
smelled a fart.
It's O.P.P., bitch!
Brad exits through French doors, and as we FOLLOW him
OUTSIDE NAUGHTY BY NATURE'S "O.P.P." KICKS IN.
12 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - BACK YARD - SAME TIME 12
It's like we've suddenly stepped into a hard-core rap
video -- big-bootied home girls in bikinis freak with
clean-cut Jewish kids as the staff serve barbecue and
malt liquor to the freaked-out guests. Among them, we
see a 13-year-old HADJI, MONSTER, and MOCHA, all nicely-
dressed for temple. Above, a huge spray-painted banner
reads: "MAZEL TIZZOV B-RAD, ON HIS BAR MITZVAH!"
13 OMITTED 13
15 INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY (PRESENT) 15
Bess sniffles and dabs her eyes.
Bess, I'm sensing you'd like to
B-Rad, you're a wonderful son...
it's just that, well --
Oh stop beating around the bush,
Bess. What we're trying to say
is, Brad, that your behavior is,
well, it's an embarrassment to the
Yo, Pops, that hurts my feelings.
I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
Don't be hatin'.
And, Brad... I can't have you on
the campaign any longer.
What?! Oh that's how it is?
A'ight then. I'm Audi! I need to
take a drive.
15 CONTINUED: 15
Brad leaves, slamming the door behind him.
What can we do, doctor?
Well, his lack of parental
guidance left Brad wide open to
outside influence, allowing hip-
hop culture to firmly imprint on
Do you think we can bring him
I don't know. This is the most
advanced case of gangsta-phrenia
I've ever seen.
Oh no, not gangsta-phrenia!
A15 EXT. GLUCKMAN BACK YARD - POOLSIDE - DAY A15
Brad relaxes in a lounge chair, wearing sunglasses and
sipping on a forty. Bess enters wearing a Chanel suit.
She sits on the lounge chair next to him.
Bradley, I know you're busy, but
we need to talk.
Brad lifts his sunglasses and turns to his mother.
After our therapy session I
realized that your father and I
could have been better parents.
We neglected you and I feel
MALIBU'S MOST WANTED - Rev. 8/22/02 (2nd Pink)
A15 CONTINUED: A15
Yes. So from here on out I'm
going to be a better mother. I
want to get closer to you... be
there for you. If ever you
Just then, her CELL PHONE RINGS. She pulls it out from
her hip and answers.
Hello? Celeste! When did you get
back?! What?! Oh my God! I've
been waiting for that bag for six
(to Brad, covering
It's my personal shopper.
(back to phone)
Stay right there. I'm on my way!
So... where we... Oh yes. I'm
always here for you, Bradley. Do
you have my cell number?
She hands Brad a piece of paper and exits. Brad pulls
down his shades and takes a long sip from his forty.
16 OMITTED 16
17 EXT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - PATIO - NOON 17
Brad sits at the massive dining room table as Gladys pours
him a big glass of grape juice, then cuts up his food.
Ever feel like you don't belong?
17 CONTINUED: (A1) 17
All the time, baby. Most folks
only feel comfortable around folks
who are the same as them. When
they meet someone different, they
get scared and angry, wanna keep
17 CONTINUED: 17
What do you do about it?
Nothin' to do but keep it real.
Be proud of who you are.
Yeah, you right... Gladys, when
they gonna leave our people alone?
I don't know, baby, I just don't
(notices Brad's plate)
Eat your greens before they get
A PAGER GOES OFF. Brad searches his pockets, pulls out a
pager -- that's not it; pulls out another pager -- that's
not it either; pulls out a two-way -- that's the one.
Oh no, not again!
He gets up and runs out of the room.
18 INT. CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS - WAR ROOM - DAY (SAME TIME) 18
Bill, Tom, the staff, and several AIDES of varying
ethnicity are mid-meeting.
How'd it go with Feldman?
Great news. If he sees Brad five
days a week, he says we'll see
improvement in three to four
But... the election's in two
Right, good point.
18 CONTINUED: 18
We've been brainstorming on some
different approaches, and I think
we may have something solid here.
I'm all ears.
The team gathers around -- it's a gang pitch.
Brad might act 'ghetto,' but let's
face it, he's never been east of
But what if we give him a little
dose of reality?
Let him get a firsthand look at
You mean, have Brad actually... go
It'll be perfectly safe.
How does it work?
We hire actors to play gangsters.
They car-jack Brad, then take him
on a 'tour' of the 'hood... give
him a little taste of what thug
life's really like. It might just
scare the black out of him.
18 CONTINUED: (2) 18
Tom gets strange looks from everyone.
Look, I'm as down as the next
brother, guy... fellah. I grew up
in Compton, okay? But let's get
over the P.C. thing and face
facts. Unless we do something
soon, Brad's gonna cost us this
The team all nods.
I don't know... it sounds so drastic.
Maybe drastic is what Brad needs,
Bill. He is twenty-four. I mean,
what's he gonna do for a living,
They all chuckle. Bill sighs.
Who do we get for the gangsters?
Remember the anti-crime spot we
shot last month?
We've got it cued up.
They turn to the TV and Gary hits PLAY.
On the monitor: A Gluckman campaign ad plays.
19 EXT. GHETTO BASKETBALL COURT - DAY 19
A young, black gangbanger (SEAN), glares at camera.
For too long, street violence has
torn Californians apart...
A second banger (PJ), glares at camera.
19 CONTINUED: 19
Bill Gluckman wants to put our
divisions behind us.
We cut wide: to reveal Bill Gluckman standing in between
the two gangbangers. He's in shirtsleeves, tie loosened.
Fellas, instead of thinking of
yourselves as what set you're
from, or what crew you're rolling
with, why can't you both be
brothers. What do you say?
I guess we never thought of each
other like that.
Me neither, dawg.
PJ and Sean think is over, nod and shake hands.
(turning to camera)
'California is my family'...
Cut to angle on Bill and the gangbangers playing
basketball, having a wonderful time.
If we work together as a family
there's no telling how high we can
Bill flies by, obviously from an O.S. trampoline, and
soars over the gangbangers for a monster dunk.
Freeze on: the two awestruck "gangbangers."
18 BACK TO SCENE 18
As they talk we see Brad, out the window, raising a
Those are our guys, right there.
Will he be safe?
18 CONTINUED: 18
(fed up and
I don't know... can't we just...
He looks out the window and sees Brad's new banner. It
reads, in graffiti colors: "ELECTION ERECTION."
Alright, fine, just do it.
20 INT. MALI-BREW - DAY 20
Brad urgently runs into the Mali-Brew Coffee Shop
(Starbucks clone), where he and his crew spend ninety
percent of their time. He is stopped at the door by a
very worried Mocha and Monster.
You don't want to see him like dis.
He O.D.'d again.
Why didn't you stop him?
I tried, yo!
How many did he do?
Like twelve, thirteen, I don't
Damn. Twelve Frapachizzo's.
Brotha's caffeined out. Move
20 CONTINUED: 20
Brad pushes past and looks on in horror at Hadji, pacing
and talking to himself like a rabid dog on angel dust.
I'ma get mine! Step, fool! I'll
cut you, I swear!
Just chill, Hadji, we're here to
help. What's up?
I... I... I was pickin' up
aromatherapy candles at
Illuminations for Moms, right?
And the counter trick gave me
lemon when I specifically axed for
Brad turns to Hadji.
It's on now!
MUSIC: PUBLIC ENEMY'S "Fight The Power" KICKS IN as
A20 EXT. MALI-BREW - DAY A20
Brad, followed by his crew, exit, ready for battle.
B20 INT. MALL - DAY B20
We're still listening to "FIGHT THE POWER," only now it's
a Muzac version, piped in through the mall's PA SYSTEM.
Brad, Hadji, Monster and Mocha strut through the mall.
Rich shoppers get out of the way.
C20 INT. MALL - ILLUMINATIONS - MOMENTS LATER C20
Brad and his crew approach the OLD WOMAN CASHIER.
C20 CONTINUED: C20
Yo, fool! We got some hard-core
drama 'bout to go down right neow!!
Dis is our mall. Always was and
always will be!
Oh, Mr. Amiraslani. I'm so glad
you came back. Our clerk
accidentally gave you the wrong
aromatherapy candles. Here you
She hands Hadji a box marked "Lilac."
You better be validatin' my
Of course, sir.
Dat's what I'm talkin' 'bout. We
21 EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY 21
Tom, standing by a limo, is speaking with Sean and PJ,
dressed as their actual, preppy selves.
Hold the phone, buddy... you want
us to scare this kid until he
starts acting like a nice little
white boy again?
Don't think you can handle it?
21 CONTINUED: 21
Of course I can handle it. I
studied at Juilliard for God's
Tom hands them a manila envelope.
Here's some background information
PJ pulls Brad's CD from the envelope.
INSERT - CD COVER
It is Brad, throwing the Malibu sign, surrounded by women
in thongs with gigantic asses. The title, in graffiti
font, reads: "MALI-BOOTAY!"
BACK TO SCENE
He considers himself a 'rapper.'
They all laugh. Tom hands them a checklist/itinerary.
Okay, so here's the story -- it's
your basic kidnapping...
So we hold him for ransom?
Right. But when you see him
acting ghetto and all, it pisses
you off so much, you tour him
around the 'hood to show him what
things are really like.
(hands PJ a list)
I had my guys brainstorm a few
21 CONTINUED: (2) 21
'Mugging, drive-by shooting, crack
deal gone bad...'
Why don't you have him steal some
watermelon while you're at it?
Pays fifteen grand apiece.
SEAN AND PJ
Wait -- we're kidnapping him,
couldn't we get arrested?
Got you covered. Mr. Gluckman's a
billionaire -- if you run into any
problems with the law, we're very
close with the commissioner. On
the flip side, if you screw up and
a single hair is touched on
Bradley's over-privileged head, I
will make sure that you do serious
What about the money?
Pulls out a smaller envelope.
Five up front, twenty-five when
you return him to us, white.
... As the driven snow.
21 CONTINUED: (3) 21
I'll call you.
Tom gets in the limo and leaves as Sean and PJ head for
Congrats, my brother. We just
booked another gig.
Yeah, but it's totally dangerous,
dude. You know what it's like in
the 'hood. We could get shot!
We can handle ourselves. Come on,
man, it's the ultimate acting
You know what really chaps my ass?
After years of training and study,
the only parts they'll give us are
gangbangers. Just once I'd like
to play a character who has decent
grammar and doesn't wear
Beats gettin' dunked on by Bill
Do we even know anybody down
They think, then come up with it at the same time.
22 INT. MALL FOOD COURT - WIENIE IN A BUN - CLOSE ON 22
SHONDRA - DAY
in a Wienie In a Bun uniform, chewing gum and looking
like she's smelling something nasty.
22 CONTINUED: 22
She's at the counter facing Sean and PJ. PJ studies the
You zooted, nigga?
Honest to God.
That's the stupidest thing I ever
heard. I got better things to do
with my time, boy.
Like work at Wienie In A Bun?
Really. You're the one always
talkin' about improvin' yourself.
I am improvin' myself, fool. I
broke up with no-good gang-bangin'
Tec, I'm going to beauty school,
then I'ma hook up my own salon...
In the meantime, how about hooking
a brother up with a Pepsi and some
Shut up, stupid.
Do this, Shondra. You'll get some
real money so you can quit this
minimum wage crap and start up
What you payin'?
Make it trey, we on.
22 CONTINUED: (2) 22
Jesus Christ, three grand?
Or you can kiss my ass.
Deal. Now how about those fries?
MUSIC: An UPTEMPO RAP TRACK KICKS IN as we...
A22 INT. SEAN AND PJ'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A22
Sean sits on a second-hand couch in their barren, low-
rent apartment, concentrating on reading an Ebonics
dictionary. PJ enters from outside, sweating and
carrying a heavy box marked: "JOHN'S PROP HOUSE." He
wears a stylish Nike baseball cap.
We're strapped now, my brother.
He sets the box down and begins pulling out guns.
They have everything we ordered?
Glocks, Uzis, Tec-9s...
PJ takes off the cap to wipe his brow, revealing that his
hair has been braided into cornrows.
What the hell is that?
Oh, my hair? Shondra just did it.
(off Sean's look)
What? You hate it?
No. I just think it's a choice my
character would have made.
Don't go there, Sean. You're just
jealous you didn't think of it
SAME SCENE - LATER
Sean enters with a big box marked "THUG LIFE." He has on
a wig identical to Larenz Tate's braids and beads in
Menace II Society.
Okay, got the gangsta wear.
A22 CONTINUED: A22
PJ bursts into laughter.
What's so funny?
That wig, man! I didn't know this
was Halloween. Bring me back some
He doubles over, falling on the floor.
Sean yanks the wig off and whips it into the corner.
SAME SCENE - LATER
PJ has on baggy jeans. Sean yanks them down so his
boxers are hanging out. PJ smiles -- perfect.
SAME SCENE - LATER
PJ and Sean, now in full gangsta gear, practice their
SAME SCENE - LATER
Sean and PJ stand side by side in front of a full-length
mirror, practicing making angry faces and pulling guns
from their pants, as we...
SMASH CUT TO:
CLOSE ON SEAN
His face filled with rage.
Gimme your ride, punk, or I will
dust yo ass!
A22 CONTINUED: (2) A22
WIDEN to reveal PJ watching Sean, shaking his head.
Nope, you're not convincing me.
Remember your core character.
You're an oppressed black man from
Yeah, I know, I'm having trouble
finding this one. Lemme try it
again. Gimme your ride, punk, or
I will dust yo ass!
Add a 'beeyotch' and I think
MUSIC: the MUSIC SEGUES from our MONTAGE RAP BEAT TO
Mocha's HUMAN BEAT BOX, as we...
B22 EXT. MALI-BREW PARKING LOT - LOW ANGLE - DAY B22
as a car door opens, boots hit the pavement, and
Shondra's incredibly fine ass slides INTO FRAME. We
FOLLOW it as it moves to:
23 INT. MALI-BREW - DAY 23
Shondra enters, looking ghetto fab hot. People look at
her like she just landed from Mars. She raises her
sunglasses, sees Brad and crew playing dominoes at a
table. Brad slaps down the winner; points at Monster.
I'm thin to win!
(raps to Monster)
'The name is B-Rad,
Not Robbie Van Winkle...
Go get my latte nonfat,
And don't forget the sprinkle!'
They pound and congratulate Brad on his brilliance.
Shondra drops her shades back down and moves in. Hadji
sees her first. His jaw drops, then he tugs on Mocha's
shirt, whose jaw drops, then Mocha tugs on Brad's shirt.
Yo, what up, fool? I'm --
23 CONTINUED: (A1) 23
Brad sees Shondra and freezes. Everything goes SLOW
BRAD'S POV - SHONDRA
strutting toward him.
BACK TO SCENE
Girl you fly.
23 CONTINUED: 23
Let me get them tig ol' bitties.
She throws open her shirt, and before we see anything
REVERSE ANGLE - BRAD
His eyes go wide, then we're...
BACK TO REAL TIME: Brad snaps to as Shondra brushes by
and then moves to the counter.
Can I help you?
Tall, Grande, Venti, nonfat,
Yo, Krista the Barista. Put it on
Get yourself a blueberry scizonne
She smiles. Brad follows her over to the condiment
23 CONTINUED: (2) 23
I ain't seen you in here before.
Where you reside?
Bard throws the "M" sign.
Right. I guess it's pretty
hardcore up in here.
(points to his crew)
I'm down with the P.C.H. Hustlers.
And dems over dere...
Brad points to three white wannabes in another corner.
The Calabasis Crabs... and behind
We PAN TO another table, where four thug posers sit.
... the Palaside Pimps.
Damn. How do you deal?
All day every day.
She smiles seductively.
Was that you droppin' rhymes when
I came in?
23 CONTINUED: (3) 23
Hell yeah, I'm a rhyma on tima...
Brad hands her his CD.
Mali-boo-tay, huh? Looks phat.
You gettin' any air play?
I'm holdin' out for Power 106. I
sent Big Boy a CD, he just ain't
gotten back to me yet.
Sounds just like that fat fool.
I'll talk to him 'bout it.
Hold dup? You know Big Boy?
Hell yeah. I see him at the swap
meet almost every Sunday.
Yo. Holler at him for me.
I don't know. I guess you do
kinda got it goin' on... It's
funny. I was just on my way down
to see him. Wanna roll with me?
Well, tonight was my Seder
Just helping out a brotha.
23 CONTINUED: (4) 23
I'm just gonna hit the ladies'
room, a'ight, pimp juice?
She heads off. Brad turns to his posse.
Yo, y'all, this fine dimey is
hookin' me up with Big Boy
I ain't lyin'!
They pound, shake, hug.
Yo, but what about us?
Start droppin' beats. Soon as I
sign with Biggy, we gonna need
some sick tracks.
They all pound as Mocha starts throwing beats.
24 INT. MALI-BREW BATHROOM - SAME TIME 24
Shondra's on her Nextel cell phone.
A24 INT. CAR - DAY A24
Sean listens to Shondra on his Nextel, then looks at PJ
and nods gravely.
25 INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - MOVING - DAY 25
They drive along the Santa Monica Freeway, heading east.
So what do you rap about?
25 CONTINUED: 25
Oh, I can rap about anything.
Yeah, lemme kick it freestyle.
Lookin' for my Chap Stick,
Feelin' kinda carsick,
There's a Ford Maverick...'
(back to talking)
See? Dat's a million-dollar song
So, how did you get to be so down?
I been a playa all my life, girl.
And I must say, of all the sisters
I been wit', you de finest. So,
you got a man?
I did, but I just got through
kickin' his sorry ass to the curb.
I ain't nobody's 'gangsta
hoochie.' I am an entrepreneur.
One day I'ma have a chain of
beauty salons all up in the 90210,
just like Starbucks, only instead
of coffee, with hair and nails.
Makin' sick money turnin' all the
rich hoochies ghetto fab.
25 CONTINUED: (2) 25
That's genius, girl. Damn. You
fine and smart too. You gonna
blow up huge, no doubt.
She's taken aback by his sincerity. She doesn't get much
validation from guys.
For real, girl. You like a cross
between Martha Stewart and Oprah.
I'ma call you Mothrah.
She gives him a strange look, then notices where they
Take this exit.
Brad swerves across three lanes of the freeway to take
the exit, and suddenly finds himself actually in South
Central. He's awestruck -- he notices a homeless guy
with a shopping cart loaded with bags of stuff.
Yo. He really should use
Suddenly Sean pops his head into the car and stares
directly at Brad. He puts a prop Tec 9 in Brad's chest
and yanks him out of the car.
Gimme yo ride, punk, or I will
dust yo ass... beeyotch!
You're gettin' jacked! Move!
Shut up, fool!
25 CONTINUED: (3) 25
Dis a come-up?!
No. It's a stickup.
I think I'm gonna throw up.
And I'm about to wet you up if you
Does this mean we're not going to
Big Boy's? What this fool talkin'
You jus' been kidnapped.
They throw Brad in the car and get in.
A25 INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - CONTINUOUS ACTION A25
Sean takes off.
Yeah. We got your rich Gluckman
How you know me?
We saw you on the news the other
Your papa's gonna pay or you're
A25 CONTINUED: A25
Brad sneaks out his two way and types in...
INSERT - TWO-WAY
as Brad's frantic message pops on: "911! 911! I BEEN
CAR JACKED! HELP! B-RAD!" A hand slaps a domino
violently down next to the pager as we...
26 INT. MALI-BREW - WIDE SHOT - DAY 26
Monster has just slammed down the winner, and the PAGER
with Brad's message flies off the table and SHATTERS on
the floor. Monster, Mocha and Hadji are unaware.
Bam! Y'all owe me seven hundred
26 CONTINUED: 26
Hadji reluctantly hands her a wad of cash as she laughs.
A'ight, come on now, let's stop
messing around. B told us to lay
down some beats for the new album.
Lemme go free style.
Free style, please! Your momma
rap better than you.
Don't you talk about my momma.
I'll talk about your momma all I
You ain't got the bizalls, bitch!
Oh yeah? Peep dis. Your momma's
so poor, when she shops at
Barneys, she has to drive herself!
Yeah? Well your momma's so poor,
when she went to Monte Carlo, she
Your momma's so poor, her round
the world cruise ended in Spain!
Your momma's so poor, when she
stayed at the Four Seasons, she
could only afford three.
26 CONTINUED: (2) 26
Oh damn, it's on now!
A26 EXT. SHONDRA'S FRONT YARD - DAY A26
The ESCALADE pulls into Shondra's driveway and SCREECHES
to a stop. PJ hauls Brad out of the back as Sean climbs
Let's get him inside.
Dang. Why you doin' this to a
Oh no you didn't.
Yours, y'all. I'm down.
Down? God damn!
Uh-oh. You done did it now.
You are not black! You can never
be black. And your perpetratin'
ass is stealin' the only thing I
got -- my culture!
What the hell makes you think you
know what's goin' down in the
A26 CONTINUED: A26
You think this is a joke, wigga?!
I'm sorry. Don't be hatin'.
You a long way from the beach now,
punk! You in South Central. The
ghetto. The 'hood. It's hard
core up in here! People here die
Two LITTLE GIRLS are walking by.
LITTLE GIRL #1
Hey, Shondra! Can you come on by
later? Princess just had her
litter of puppies.
(seeing Brad looking
puzzled by this;
They're pit bulls.
Mean pit bulls.
Now get ya ass inside.
27 OMITTED 27
34 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - DAY 34
Sean and PJ push Brad in. Bars are on the windows. Sean
pats Brad down, and pulls out his pager.
You got anything else on you,
34 CONTINUED: 34
Uh... just this...
Brad pulls out another pager, a phone, another phone.
Sean and PJ both pull several more out of his other
pockets, as well as his wallet.
All that James Bond electronic
crap can't save you now, fool.
Sit ya ass down.
Brad does, and PJ duct-tapes his hands behind his back.
We gonna go call yo daddy.
You better pray he home. If he
not, you're one dusted trick!
Sean, PJ and Shondra exit, slamming the door behind them.
35 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 35
Sean and PJ immediately drop their bad-ass personas.
Did you buy my rage?
35 CONTINUED: 35
'I will smoke your dumb wigga
ass'? Come on.
'If he not, you're one dusted
Would you two fools shut the hell
Sure, Shondra, sorry. You're on.
Go play good cop. We've gotta
Shondra rolls her eyes and heads back into the room.
36 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION 36
Shondra enters. Brad turns away.
You a'ight in here?
Oh yeah. I just been kidnapped,
carjacked, hands tied behind my
back, but other than that, it's
Look, I'm sorry about all that, it
wasn't my idea.
I thought you liked me.
Then how come you set me up?
I had to. They...
... they threatened to kill me if
I didn't play along.
36 CONTINUED: 36
Oh yeah. They straight-up killas.
(even more wide-eyed)
Lemme school you on something,
help you to stay alive, a'ight?
The one thing they hate more than
anything, that really sets them
off, is posers.
I feel you, girl, me too.
I'm talkin' 'bout you!
Me? But I hate posers! I got a
Ph.D. -- a Poser-Hater Degree.
Come on. Quit frontin'.
I ain't fron'in'.
Listen to reason. If you just be
a nice little white boy and say
you're sorry, I think I can
convince them to let you go.
Damn. I am who I say I am. Why
won't anyone believe me? This is
a issue that's been comin' up a
lot in my life lately.
A36 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME A36
Shondra exits, shakes her head "no" to Sean and PJ.
A36 CONTINUED: A36
PJ refers to the itinerary they got from Tom.
How about... number three?
Yeah, perfect. Let's take it to
another level, my man.
He and PJ "get into character" and head in.
B36 INT. SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION B36
They enter and glare at Brad.
A'ight, we put the call in to yo
pops, and you know what he said?
That he'd have to think about it.
What? Straight up?
He's not sure he wants you back,
Can't see as I blame him.
Come on, y'all, quit hatin'. I'm
just a rapper, that's it.
Sean cuts the duct tape with a blade.
B36 CONTINUED: B36
What you doin', fool?
I'ma teach this little white girl
No, dawg, stick to the plan. Lay
low here at the crib 'til we get
The plan just done changed, Tree.
Wannabe claims he down, I'ma show
him just how un-down he is.
Sean yanks Brad out by his collar.
37 INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - LATE AFTERNOON 37
Sean pulls in and parks in front of a small Korean
A'ight, Malibu, go get us six 40s
And a fifth of Henny.
I'd like some Pringles.
This ain't a picnic, bitch!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry... y'all got
some duckets, 'cause I'm tapped.
You about to go up in there and
give this Korean bitch yo ends?
You jack that shit.
And if the Asiatic gives you any
static, show the brotha this...
He hands Brad one of the prop guns -- a Glock. It's
heavier than Brad thought. He drops it.
Little trick claims he down, can't
even swing a gat.
Do it, punk, or I'll use that on
Okay, a'ight, I'll do it.
37 CONTINUED: 37
You try to get away, I'ma let you
get a little taste of my steel,
He holds up his prop gun.
I feel you.
Brad sticks the prop gun into his pants and gets out. As
soon as he's in the store, Sean and PJ burst into
This is gonna be classic.
He's gonna run out of there a
scared little white boy.
They laugh again and pound it.
38 INT. KOREAN GROCERY - SAME TIME 38
Brad walks in, very nervous. He looks back -- his car is
parked so that PJ can see him through the door. PJ
smiles and shows him the gun again. Brad swallows and
approaches the counter. The KOREAN GUY behind it watches
Yeah, uh, where the Old English
Back there, under security camera.
Thank you, sir.
Brad hurries to the back of the store, and spots a door
by the beer cooler. He tries to open it. It's locked.
Brad looks up to the security mirror and sees that the
Korean Guy is watching him. He moves to the beer cooler
and tries to calm down.
38 CONTINUED: 38
Namyoho renge kyo, namyoho renge
kyo, namyoho renge kyo and
It's not working. Brad tries a cleansing breath. It
doesn't help either. Brad gathers up an armful of Old
English 40s and heads for the front. The Korean Guy
watches him as he walks past the counter toward the door.
Can I help you?
Naaw, but I'ma help myself to all
this O.E., and whatever else I
Brad drops the beer. It CRASHES to the floor in SLOW
MOTION. Brad makes a crazy, threatening face as he pulls
back a fist, but the Korean Guy throws a fast right hand,
landing squarely on Brad's chin. Brad goes down like a
sack of hammers; then we FLASHBACK TO:
Moments earlier: We realize we've just been in a fantasy,
as Brad again approaches the counter with his beer.
Can I help you?
Let me axe you something. Ever
Oh sure. Last week was my fifty-
fourth time. But they were cool,
no gun to head, never scream; you
know, good people.
He sets the 40s on the counter, then reaches into his
waistband for his gun, and we...
A38 INT. BRAD'S ESCALADE - SAME TIME A38
How much did you have to give this
What are you talking about?
When you set this thing up
yesterday, what did you pay?
I thought you set it up.
You mean the owner doesn't know
this is all fake?
Get in there! He could get shot!
I'm not going in there! You go in
They continue to argue as we...
B38 INT. KOREAN GROCERY - CASHIER COUNTER - SAME TIME B38
Brad finishes reaching into his waistband for the Glock,
but feels something else. He pulls out a small wallet
that was Velcroed to his belt.
My emergency stash. Thank you
He pulls out a hundred and kisses it.
Glad you got cash, 'cause if you
try to jack me, I was gonna have
to lay you out wid dis...
B38 CONTINUED: B38
He whips a .44 from under the counter and aims it at
... and wid dis.
The Korean Guy's wife has an AK-47 on Brad, the red dot
of its laser sight trained steadily in the middle of his
... And wid dat.
The Korean Guy's six-year-old boy has a sawed-off shotgun
pointed at Brad's knees. The gun is bigger than the boy.
The Koreans laugh at Brad. Brad drops the hundred on the
Keep the change.
(ringing it up)
Thank you very much. Come again.
As Brad looks out to make sure PJ and Sean haven't seen
anything, the Korean Guy sticks the receipt in between
two of the 40s. Unaware, Brad gathers his stuff and
heads to the door.
Uh, I know this is gonna sound
wack, but what I'm about to do is
just a joke, so don't shoot me,
C38 EXT. KOREAN LIQUOR STORE - SAME TIME C38
Sean and PJ, who are just running up to the door, watch
stunned as Brad exits the store, pulling his gun out.
That's right! Next time I'll bust
a cap in yo trick ass!
Did he actually do it?
This can't be happening.
C38 CONTINUED: C38
Yeah. I'ma come back later and
get some more.
Brad turns to the guys.
You did it?
Straight up. Trick didn't do
Yo, what up with this?
PJ pulls the receipt off of his 40.
If you jacked this, how come you
got a receipt?
Brad freezes. They both stare at him.
I stole that too!
39 OMITTED 39
40 INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - SPA - NIGHT 40
Bill and Tom lie facedown on matching massage tables,
while massage therapists rapidly pound their backs.
ANGLE UNDER TOM'S TABLE
Tom is reading the itinerary through the face hole in his
table. As the masseuses pound their backs, Tom and
Bill's voices vibrate.
40 CONTINUED: 40
... a meet and greet with
Greenpeace, then drinks with the
offshore oil lobby.
CLOSE ON BILL
face through hole.
Terrific. How's the Brad project
Smooth... he's in South Central.
And he's okay?
He's in excellent hands.
41 EXT. KOREAN LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT 41
Sean, holding Brad by the shirt, slams him against the
I've about had it, boy!
Who you callin' boy?
You got about five seconds to get
real, or I'ma Timbo stomp your ass
to de curb!
What do you mean, get real?!
Act your white self!
He shoves a prop gun into Brad's ribs.
41 CONTINUED: 41
Okay, a'ight, chill.
Brad takes a deep sigh, looks them in the eye, and begins
to talk like a conservative white guy.
I guess I now know I can never be
as cool as you guys. I promise I
will never, ever front or act like
a thug again, and I'm really
really sorry if I offended you.
Sean and PJ move off to the side.
You buying it?
I can't tell.
Let's give him the test.
42 INT. MOVIE THEATER - ANGLE ON BRAD - NIGHT 42
Brad, in the seats, eating popcorn non-stop. He is
flanked by Sean and PJ... They both watch Brad, as he
stares at the horror film play on the screen.
(off Brad's look)
You a'ight, man?
Brad snaps out of it for a minute.
Great, fine. Terrific popcorn.
SCARY MUSIC KICKS IN; Brad's eyes snap back to the
screen. He struggles to contain himself. The MUSIC
INTENSIFIES, we hear FOOTSTEPS, then a DOOR HANDLE
TURNING, and Brad can't hold on any longer. He leaps up,
42 CONTINUED: 42
Run, bitch, ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!
He gonna kiiiiiilllllll you!
Other Patrons (multi-ethnic) turn and angrily "shush"
Brad. Sean and PJ lock eyes: he failed the test.
43 INT. ESCALADE - DRIVING - NIGHT 43
Sean and PJ are furious. Brad is apologetic.
I'm sorry, y'all, but this is just
who I am. I'm a rapper straight-
SEAN AND PJ
No, for real. I can rap about
(goes into rap)
'Bloodbath and Tree, hang all day,
They real tight, but they ain't
gay... No, they okay...'
You think you got mad skills, huh?
Well, we'll see about dat.
44 EXT. PROUD CHICKEN - LATER 44
Sean, PJ, and Brad approach the club.
I done had it with you, fool. You
better check yourself before you
wreck yourself. This ain't
44 CONTINUED: 44
Yeah, we gonna see what you
represent neeow. We at the club.
Cube, Snoop, they all came up
You want to prove yourself, this
the place to do it.
They shove Brad into the club, then turn to each other
and giggle like school girls.
This is definitely gonna do it.
They pound and follow Brad into the club.
A44 OMITTED A44
45 OMITTED (MOVED TO SCENE 44) 45
AA45 INT. THE PROUD CHICKEN - NIGHT AA45
Brad enters and takes in the club. Think 8 Mile.
Hardcore GANGSTER TYPES and some tough HOME GIRLS check
out rapper, DROP, whose ferocious, gravel-voiced raps
show you exactly what kind of place you're in.
How you feelin' now, Malibu?
Finally, a place where I feel at
Get yo' ass in there.
Brad boldly fist-shakes jaw-dropped patrons as he wades
through the crowd, AD LIBBING "Whassup?" and "Pardon me,
DROP finishes and the MC brings up STEEL and YOUNG DRE,
announcing the Battle Rap Competition. Steel and Young
Dre battle -- both are top-notch. At every insult, the
A45 ON BALCONY A45
Shondra is talking to a HOME GIRL, checking out the crowd
below. She suddenly sees Brad. She's eyes-wide
horrified. Steel finishes, the crowd CHEERS, and Young
Dre starts in on the mic.
SAME SCENE - MEANWHILE
Sean and PJ leave Brad and fight through to the DJ table,
where the MC is standing, timing Young Dre.
Brad looks around, then up. He sees Shondra and starts
for the stairs.
A45 CONTINUED: A45
ON THE BALCONY
Hey, girl. Where you been?
She turns and faces TEC, her ex-boyfriend, a no-nonsense
roughneck gangbanger. He's very soft-spoken, almost
None of your damn bizness, Tec.
Now let go.
She yanks her arm away from him.
Y'all been busy, huh?
Too busy for you.
You been gettin' busy?
Come on, girl, I'm cool. Just
tell me who it is.
All you need to know is that it
ain't you, okay?
You know, you ain't shit, Shondra.
You're just a chickenhead, and
that's all you'll ever be.
Just then, Brad walks up, grinning like a fool.
What up, girl?!
He gives her a sloppy kiss on the cheek.
A45 CONTINUED: (2) A45
I'm fine, but you the finest!
She a genius too, man! I'm
tellin' you, one she gets set up,
Mothra gonna blow up like Rosie
Don't tell me you been hittin'
She tries to pull away, but Tec holds on tight.
Damn, man. Don't you know how to
treat a lady? That's not nice.
Brad, don't --
It's cool, Shondra. The brutha's
Tec releases Shondra's arm and immediately grabs Brad by
the throat and hangs him over the balcony.
Didn't yo mama teach you to mind
you own bizness?
Don't be hatin'.
Don't do it, Tec!
Tec feels everyone looking at him. Now is not the time.
He releases Brad and composes himself.
Y'all both gonna be sorry.
Tec stalks off.
A45 CONTINUED: (3) A45
I'm okay. Who was that?
Old history. Come on.
Shondra grabs Brad and moves him to the stairs.
B45 AT THE DJ TABLE B45
Sean and PJ finally make it to the MC, who stands with
Sean bumps the DJ table. A vicious look from the DJ, as
Sean tries to play it off. The MC just looks at him
Uh... My boy want Young Dre next.
The MC looks them over...
Maybe a C-Note would open some...
(takes the cash)
What's his name?
B-rad. From Malibu.
The MC makes a face, but puts down Brad's name anyway.
Hey playa... You got any Will
Smith back there?
The MC just looks at him...
46 OMITTED 46
A47 SAME SCENE - MEANWHILE A47
Shondra hauls Brad down the stairs and stops near the
Damn Shondra, where's the fire at?
(fishing in her bag)
You're going home.
You settin' me free?
No. I'm savin' your ass. I'm not
havin' your blood on my hands.
(hands him keys)
It's the blue Honda across the
FROM THE STAGE
A-ight y'all. Up next, to
challenge Young Dre, we got... B-
rad from Malibu.
Looks of confusion, as the Crowd searches for "B-rad."
Wait a second. Brad, don't do it.
Brad turns to Shondra, looks at the keys, and shakes his
Shondra, I gots to do 'dis. this
is my shot. I gotta prove myself.
Shondra can't argue. Brad starts to the stage. A WAVE
OF SHOCK, as the crowd realizes who B-rad actually is.
This is gonna be like an episode
Brad gets his game face on and walks the gauntlet on his
way to the stage -- an imposing path of intimidating
A47 CONTINUED: A47
He is then dragged up onto the stage. He misinterprets
the ANTAGONIZING CHANTS as encouragement and tries to
high-five the crowd -- no takers. The MC and Young Dre
laugh at him.
Nah, nah, nah... I ain't gonna
battle no bitch. What am I? Ike
The crowd LAUGHS. Brad cluelessly laughs along with
A-ight, a-ight... We gotta do
this. Yo, Saltine... Heads or
Everyone is totally confused.
Tails... I want tails.
The MC flips and "tails" it is.
You wanna go first?
Nah... Ladies first.
Brad LAUGHS, turning to the crowd to appreciate his lame
burn... Nothing. Young Dre looks furious.
Young Dre grabs the mic and the DJ spins. Young Dre
proceeds to incinerate Brad. With every line, the crowd
goes insane. (NOTE: Actual Young Dre Rap to Come.)
As Young Dre flows, Brad is visibly shaken, but tries to
play it off -- not so discreetly scribbling notes on his
hand and up his arm.
Young Dre finishes with devastating blow, dropping the
mic on the stage. The crowd goes wild...
Whooo... GOD DAMN! Now, let's see
if this Eminem melts in yo ass and
in your hand.
A47 CONTINUED: (2) A47
The DJ kicks the beat and the MC throws Brad the mic. He
misses it and it drills him in the forehead. The crowd
LAUGHS. Brad tries to regain his composure...
Can we start again? I lost my
TAUNTS and LAUGHS as the beat plays again. Brad wags his
head, ready to come in strong. He looks down at his
notes... He's sweating so badly his arm is a mess of
He freezes again... The crowd is really on him now --
collectively making the "choke" sign.
I'm cool... I'm cool.
Brad finally starts up.
'You big and rough,
You act all tough,
I bet in your childhood
You never had much love.
Alert the media,
I'm a rap encyclopedia,
My shrink says I suffer from a
case of gansta-phrenia,
I'm tryin' to be meania,
I'm feeling much vigor,
I'm the "Bu's" number one,
(terrified, to SEAN)
Let's get the hell out of here.
Brad looks around as blank faces stare back at him.
The crowd erupts with outrage and rushes the stage.
SMASH CUT TO:
A47 CONTINUED: (3) A47
WAILS with terror as he's passed hand-over-hand above the
CURSING CLUB PATRONS, (crowd surfing-style) toward the
Four THUGS run Brad out of the back door, into the...
B47 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT B47
... where they launch him into the dumpster with a
Brad's landing causes the lid to SLAM violently shut, and
forces Sean and PJ, who've been hiding behind it, to pop
What was that?
A RUMBLE comes from the dumpster and they pull back the
ANGLE ON: Inside the dumpster where Brad lies in the
bottom -- his fall was broken by several loaves of old
PJ and Sean fall into hysterics, as Shondra emerges from
the club. She finds PJ and Sean apoplectic with
laughter, shakes her head and begins to help Brad out of
48 BY BAR 48
Tec watches it all going down.
SNUFFY, 20, skinny but tough-looking chollo, and not a
member of Tec's crew, is standing next to Tec.
You gettin' played, ese.
Loco boy hittin' your lady, homes,
and she's diggin' it.
Yeah, Snuffy, that's right.
48 CONTINUED: 48
Tec starts to laugh, then suddenly his fist explodes into
Snuffy's face. Snuffy drops, and Tec starts to stomp him
until his boys, 8-BALL and DEUCE, pull him off.
Not here, Tec.
A'ight, y'all, let's roll.
Whatchoo wanna do?
Bag me a white boy.
As they move toward the exit we...
49 EXT. HIP-HOP CLUB - NIGHT 49
Sean and PJ are laughing uproariously. Brad walks in
between them, devastated. Shondra's behind, looking
bummed out as they head for the car.
Hey y'all, check this out. I can
rap about anything! Haaa!!
(bad white rapping)
'Listen, all you rappers, the
name's Brad Gluckman. When on the
mic you could say I really suck
They burst out laughing. Brad just stares ahead,
pouting, sick to his stomach.
A'ight, y'all had your fun, why
don't you chill...
'Cuz B-Rad G about to get ill!!!
They burst out laughing again as they head for the car.
49 CONTINUED: 49
Damn. I haven't laughed like that
in a long time. 'Fess up, boy,
you can't hang.
I just want to go home.
Uhn uhn, ain't happening. By the
way, forgot to tell you. We heard
from your pops, and guess what?
He ain't payin'.
He thinks y'all belong down here
in the 'hood with us brothas,
seein' how you so 'down' and all.
So, I guess that means we got to
ice your punk ass.
I don't care no more. I got
nothin' to live for. Go ahead and
Brad gets in the car. Sean and PJ look at each other --
this isn't what they expected.
50 OMITTED 50
A50 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - SAME TIME A50
(NOTE: Scene A50 was formerly scene 54)
Brad's lying on the bed, looking up dreamily.
Psst. Hey, dawg.
Down here, dawg.
Brad looks over the edge of the bed. A small gray RAT
looks up at him.
A50 CONTINUED: A50
Negro, pleeeze. That little white
rat ain't got nothin' on me -- yo,
I'm Ronny rizat, represizzat.
I ain't never seen no talking rat
before. Although at the Malibu
County Fair they had a chicken
that played tic tac toe. Man, I
hated losing to that chicken.
Why you so down, dog?
I'm a failure.
Nah, nah it's not like that. You
need to stop listening to what all
them perpetrators is running and
believe in yourself.
For riz-real. Pound it.
They punch it in.
So you saying if I put my mind to
it I can be whatever I want to be?
I could be a highstylin' pimp?
I could drive a mad '63 El Camino
with 43-inch gold-plated dubs and
a trunk full o' bitches?
MALIBU'S MOST WANTED - Rev. 1/29/03
A50 CONTINUED: (2) A50
You could have a roof rack full of
bitches. And some teeny-tiny
little bitches in the glove
And I could be the biggest rapper
in the world.
Rapper? Hell no! You stink! I'd
rather eat garbage than listen to
your tired ass rhymes.
(thinks about it)
Hmmm, garbage. That's making me
hungry. Peace out.
The Rat runs off. Brad sighs, flops back down on the
bed, utterly depressed.
51 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 51
Brad lays on the bed, moonlit through the bars of the
window. Shondra enters. Brad rolls over, away from her.
Hey... You okay?
You know, it's not as bad as it
51 CONTINUED: 51
It's worse. Everybody's right.
My rhymes is weak.
You just need a little experience.
I should've run when you gave me
Naw. You were right. I respected
you for getting' up there.
But you heard 'em laughing. I
ain't nothin' but a busta.
They just don't understand you.
None of them know how hardcore it
is up in... Malibu.
Yeah with the... traffic, and
the... parking, and...
Like, when the public be all up in
your private beach?
Right. You just got to stick with
it, you know, don't let anyone
tell you who you are.
Brad smiles, looks at her.
You know what I was sayin',
earlier, in the car, about being a
playa and all? Well... I was just
foolin'. I never been with a
51 CONTINUED: (2) 51
Except for on the internet.
I never would've known.
I think you about the finest girl
I ever met in my whole life, and,
well, since they gonna ice me in
the morning, I was wondering...
could I, kinda like, kiss you?
She thinks, smiles, then sits down next to him on the
bed. Brad sits up and looks at her face in the
You're so pretty.
Brad leans in and kisses her tenderly. She kisses him
back. Encouraged, Brad opens his mouth wide and tries to
stick his tongue down her throat. She pushes him back.
I said kiss, fool. Damn.
She gets up and heads for the door.
I offered you a snack, not the
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm chill.
She rolls her eyes and leaves. Brad falls back on the
bed, a dreamy smile on his face.
52 EXT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - SAME TIME 52
Tec, with his crew, drives up, lights out, and KILLS the
ENGINE. He looks at the house with death in his eyes.
53 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT 53
Shondra exits the room and faces Sean and PJ.
A'ight, that's it, this game is
lame. I want my money, and then
y'all can get out.
But we're not done yet...
You ain't never gonna be done.
Did it ever occur to you two
jackasses that this is the way he
Whatever. Look, I did what you
asked, and I want my money.
Okay, I'll get it, you know, but
settin' everything up was
expensive, and I don't exactly
have it right now.
Excuse me? You playin' me?
Shondra hands Sean the phone.
Y'all get me my money now, or I'ma
go in there and tell him what's
Alright, okay, just relax...
As Sean starts to dial, we --
CUT BACK TO:
54 OMITTED 54
A61 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN OFFICE - NIGHT A61
Yes, Sean. How's our little
A61 CONTINUED: A61
Great, terrific, we're making real
61 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 61
Sean reads from the checklist Tom gave him.
Your suggestions were really
helpful. He totally bought the
car jack and kidnapping...
61A INT. SHONDRA'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME 61A
Brad listens intently as Sean continues.
... we staged a fabulous liquor
store robbery. Mr. Gluckman's
going to be very happy...
Brad's eyes widen.
But, he's still posing, so we
wanted to put him in a drive-by
shooting next... but, it's a
little more money then our
Brad slumps back. He can't believe it.
61 BACK TO SEAN 61
So I was wondering if I could get
No deal. You get the rest when
Richie Cunningham steps through
the door here, and not one second
But -- Mr. Gibbons, hello?
B61 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT B61
Brad crawls out from the vent and goes to the mirror.
Damn... they been playin' me all
along. How could dey do dat? How
could she do dat?
What-ever. If them fools wanna
play, then let's play.
He heads for the door, bad-ass and hardcore.
62 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 62
Suddenly, Brad's boot comes through the door. WOOD
SHATTERS everywhere. Brad steps through with a furious
look on his face. Shondra, Sean and PJ stare in shock.
What the hell do you think you're
Hey! Listen up... Brad G is in da
hiz, and things gonna start
changin' round here!
You must be out yo mind. Get back
in that room before I beat your
You feelin' froggy, den leap!
Sean backs down.
Anyone else wanna step?
What the hell got into you?
Shut up, ho.
62 CONTINUED: 62
Who you callin' ho, ho?
Yo, ho, the same ho that gave up
that weak-ass kiss five minutes
ago in the bedroom.
Who the hell do you think you
I'm B-Rad G, from 'Bu,
representin'! What y'all don't
realize is that I was tryin' to
put my mobbin' days behind me, but
rollin' with y'all done re-awoke
my inna killa. Let's start
Shondra, PJ and Sean watch, stunned, as Brad grabs a prop
gun, his car keys and heads out.
Come on, girl. Let's go!
Uhn uhn. You created that
monster, you deal with it.
But we got big a problem here.
Until I see my money, it's your
Sean and PJ exit quickly.
63 EXT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - NIGHT 63
Brad's at the car door as Sean and PJ exit and run up.
63 CONTINUED: 63
Where the hell you goin'?
I need to take a drive.
Come on, man. Chill.
Today is a good day to die, didn't
have to use my A.K...
Why you talkin' crazy?
(getting in car)
Might as well go out in a blaze of
glory. My daddy don't love me, my
rhymes is played. I ain't down
enough for y'all --
No. You down, right PJ, er, Tree?
That's right, Bloodbath, he's very
down. As down as they come.
Suddenly, Tec jumps up, yanks Brad's door open and shoves
a Nine in his side.
Oh my God.
Get out of the car, white boy.
Oh, you dat weak fuck from de
Tec can't believe what he's hearing.
Got somethin' for me?
63 CONTINUED: (2) 63
(pulling a Tec 9)
Just this cap, fool! You ready to
Ain't that a coinky-dink? I was
just talkin' to my homies about
(getting out of car)
A'ight, but y'all should change up
your style, cuz these jackings is
He heads for Tec's car.
Yo, Bloodbath, if there's one tiny
scratch on my ride, I'ma eat
Tape up this fool's hole, man.
A crew member yanks out some duct tape and tapes over
Brad's mouth, then they throw him in Tec's trunk and slam
it shut. Tec steps up to Sean and PJ.
What should we do with this
Bloodbath and his friends?
I'm not Bloodbath! My real name
is Sean James, I'm an actor. I
Is Shondra hittin' the white boy?
No way, man. She's in on the
scam, just like us.
63 CONTINUED: (3) 63
Yeah. We're all being paid to
pretend to kidnap Bill Gluckman's kid.
Gluckman? The dude runnin' for
You've heard of him?
The dawg who's down with bitches
and hoes? Hell yeah, I've heard
of him. Just 'cause I live down
here you think I'm ignorant?
We didn't say that, brother.
(looks at Brad)
Damn, we got Gluckman's son.
Fool's gotta be worth more alive
(to his crew)
64 OMITTED 64
66 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HQ - TOM'S OFFICE - SAME TIME 66
Tom and the campaign strategy team, Brett, Gary and Jen,
are eating takeout, mid-meeting.
All the polls say that since
Brad's been out of the picture
we're up six points.
66 CONTINUED: 66
We're still dead in the urban
There's no way we can win without
The INTERCOM RINGS.
I have a Sean on the phone for
Put it through.
67 EXT. INDUSTRIAL STREET - FREEWAY UNDERPASS - SAME TIME 67
Sean is on a pay phone, terrified. Tec stands next to
him. The Escalade and Tec's car are parked nearby.
Tom, we have a real problem.
I told you, no more money.
I know you said that, but we're in
real serious troub --
Tec rips the phone out of Sean's hand.
Listen, fool. Gluckman's boy has
been kidnapped for real, along
with your punk friends.
67 CONTINUED: 67
If Mr. Governor wants to see his
punk bitch son alive again I'm
gonna need five hundred grand by
How do I know this is real?
You think your actors are this
Tec puts the phone up to Sean.
Help us, please...
Sean begins to wail. Tec yanks the phone back.
Okay, I'm convinced.
Good. Now get me my money.
Fine... Please don't do anything
until I talk to Mr. Gluckman and
arrange the finances.
You got ten minutes.
Tec hangs up.
Behind, no one notices as a low rider cruises by
68 INT. LOW RIDER - SAME TIME 68
It's Snuffy, his face swollen and bloody from the beating
he took from Tec. He's with two of his homeboys, members
of the Rollin' G gang, checking out Tec and the crew.
Is that him, ese?
Yeah, that's Tec, homes, from the
Call Cyco, tell him to bring it
all. We gonna have a party.
The homeboy works his cell, as we:
69 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS WAR ROOM - NIGHT 69
Tom stands there with the phone in his hands, shaken.
What the hell's going on?
Brad's been kidnapped for real.
They want five hundred grand or
they'll kill him.
Oh my God.
Now let's not panic. Lemme just
think this through for a minute.
We could have a very interesting
Where are you going with this?
Well, the negatives are obvious.
69 CONTINUED: 69
Bill drops out of the race,
I can handle Bill. Let's
brainstorm the positives.
There's so many. No more 'Brad
Right, right, I'm liking it.
They start riffing on the idea, getting excited.
With a dead son, the sympathy
factor could give us big spike in
the female and gay demos.
We've had such a problem with
Bill's rich guy image, we could
spin the issue to make him more
'Everymen,' you know, 'crime
touches everyone,' like that.
What about a voter backlash, like
how could he run on the heels of a
No -- we push the 'courage under
Helps with his leadership profile.
Bill Gluckman, crusader/martyr...
I've got the image -- Bill weeping
over Brad's open casket.
Then, after grieving
appropriately, he goes on the
69 CONTINUED: (2) 69
Bill Gluckman's war on crime...
War's hot now.
It's just what we've needed.
It's like a green light to
Next stop, the White House.
The PHONE RINGS and Tom picks up.
70 EXT. INDUSTRIAL STREET - SAME TIME 70
Tec is on the phone.
Bill Gluckman does not make deals
That's it, then, fool. I ain't
playin'. His ass is done.
70 CONTINUED: 70
You do what you have to do, and
we'll do what we have to do.
He hangs up and smiles.
A70 INDUSTRIAL STREET - SAME TIME A70
Tec hangs up; as he looks over, Brad is pulled from the
trunk by two I-9s, his mouth still taped. Tec almost
feels sorry for him.
Lose the tape.
Tec's homie rips the tape off Brad's mouth.
God damn that hurts!!! I get out
of this I'ma hafta teach y'all
Your daddy ain't payin'.
Yeah, yeah, tell me somethin' I
You heard me, you half-steppin'
Tec cocks his nine and aims at Brad.
Oh what, you gonna do me like
this? A'ight, then bring it.
Man up! Put this wannabe out of
A70 CONTINUED: A70
Tec is stunned -- the white boy isn't showing any fear.
Brad steps forward, puts the gun to his own heart, and
places his thumb on the trigger.
That gat's real, right? Then do
it or I'll do it myself
Brotha straight-up crazy, and I
cannot deal with that shit.
Suddenly GUNFIRE erupts as Tech's car is HIT with a
BARRAGE of BULLETS. Brad, the crew, Sean and PJ drop to
the street and roll under the car. Tec has to dive
behind a nearby dumpster.
Snuffy and three Rollin' G's are crouched behind their
low rider, FIRING away.
The I-9s RETURN FIRE. PJ and Sean are in the fetal
position, freaking out. Brad, thinking it's all fake, is
laughing, having a great time.
Lay down some cover, fool!
Tec's pinned down behind the dumpster. He's without
a weapon, and Rollin' G's are FOCUSING their FIRE on
We're tryin', man, but they're too
What the hell we gonna do?
Punks. Gimme dem gats.
Brad grabs the Uzis and rolls out from under the
A70 CONTINUED: (2) A70
Y'all wanna play? Let's play!
You know who you're dealin'
He jumps up on the hood of Tec's car and OPENS FIRE with
both Uzis, laying down a withering rain of lead.
I'm B-Rad G, from the 'BU,
King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!
Damn. These special effects are
The Rollin' G's try to respond, but Brad's fire is too
Devil's got some balls.
For real! Let's dip!
They all hop in their convertible and tear-ass out of
there as Brad jumps off the cars and follows on foot,
FIRING after them as they turn the corner and SQUEAL
It's safe now, y'all.
Tec emerges from behind the dumpster. The crew rolls out
from under the car, followed by Sean and PJ. They look
at Brad in awe. They're impressed.
That was ill! Y'all definitely
He offers his fist to Brad. They pound.
Where'd you learn that shit?
Damn. Jus' MTV.
71 OMITTED 71
73 INT. CHANNEL 5 NEWS ROOM - NIGHT 73
HAL FISHMAN reads the night's news.
Good evening. A Channel Five
exclusive. A security camera
captured incredible footage of
gang violence tonight, as it flared
on the streets of South Central.
74 OMITTED 74
75 EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT (GRAINY SECURITY CAMERA 75
of Brad, on top of Tec's car, FIRING the UZIS.
HAL FISHMAN (V.O.)
This hardcore gangster, believed to
be the notorious 'White Kong,' leader
of I-9 street gang, fires his weapons
with wanton disregard for human life
or personal property.
CLOSEUP - BRAD'S CRAZED FACE
in SLOW MOTION as he FIRES.
HAL FISHMAN (V.O.)
If you have any information on the
whereabouts of this man, call our
hot line at 1-555-GANG.
76 INT. GLUCKMAN MANSION - BILL AND BESS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 76
They sit in bed, stunned.
77 INT. SHONDRA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 77
She's on the couch, blocking a wig, stunned.
78 INT. MALI-BREW - MOVING - SAME TIME 78
Mocha, Hadji, and Monster, holding half-drunken lattes,
are all staring at a TV mounted in the corner.
A78 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS WAR ROOM - SAME A78
Tom stares at the TV.
And then, in QUICK SHOTS, we INTERCUT BETWEEN:
A78 CONTINUED: A78
79 INT. MALI-BREW - NIGHT 79
Dat is some hardcore shiznit,
If dat's what you got to do to get
on Big Boy's label, count me out.
He ain't with Big Boy, fool! B-
Rad's hangin' with some serious
What we gonna do, Moch?
Bounce to our respective cribs,
jack our moms' and pops' biggest
gats, jet down to South Central
and save his ass.
79 CONTINUED: 79
HADJI AND MOCHA
But... what if they don't have
Krista -- six Tsunamis to go!
80 INT. GLUCKMAN CAMPAIGN HQ - WAR ROOM - NIGHT 80
Bill storms in. Tom quickly switches OFF the TV. The
staffers move aside as Bill confronts Tom.
Bradley's been involved in a gang
Are you positive?
His face was on the news, Tom! I
think I know my own son!
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation. Why don't you get
some sleep --
Sleep? He's shooting the hell out
of South Central. We've got to
What about the debate tomorrow in
Forget the debate!
If you cancel, you can kiss this
80 CONTINUED: 80
You can shove the campaign up your
ass, Tom! I will not lose my son
over this election!
I understand you're upset, Bill,
but Jesus, for once in your life
think outside the box! We can
make Brad's whole gang thing a
If he's arrested or, God forbid
injured, we spin it so you are the
victim, you know, 'crime reaches
everyone,' something like that...
You're trying to get votes out of
I'm trying to win, Bill, and you
don't seem to care!
I'm his father.
When did that happen?
I guess right now.
Bill grabs Tom by the shirt and slams him into the wall.
As Bill takes off:
All right, guys, let's pitch on
how I get my job back.
They just stare at him.
80 CONTINUED: (2) 80
Just so you know, I never liked
the way you ran things around
Bill? Mr. Gluckman?
The other staffers follow Brett out, leaving Tom alone.
81 INT. BILL GLUCKMAN'S HUMMER - MOVING - NIGHT 81
Bill hauls-ass down the 405, his headset on.
HUMAN OPERATOR (V.O.)
This is Lojack.
I need a location on license number...
HUMAN OPERATOR (V.O.)
That vehicle is at the corner of
McKinley and 82nd.
INSERT - ON DASH NAVIGATION SYSTEM SCREEN
Suddenly a map of South Central appears, with a red
blinking dot at the corner of McKinley and 82nd.
BACK TO SCENE
COMPUTER VOICE (V.O.)
Your destination is a Lojack
designated danger zone. Lojack
does not recommend you venture
into this area.
RAP BLASTS IN as Bill punches the gas, as we:
A81 INT. TEC'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT A81
A party is happening: Homies slam dominoes... Home girlz
drink beer and talk... Sean and PJ are standing frozen in
a corner, quietly crying... Hip-hop gangsters dancing...
and finally we FIND Tec and the other I-9's gathered
around Brad, as Tec solemnly hands Brad a Tec 9 automatic
That's yours, B.
For real? You shouldn't have.
Welcome to the 9's. Only way out
now, is in a box.
In a box... right.
Brad laughs. They all join in, laughing hard as we --
82 EXT. HADJI'S HOUSE - NIGHT 82
Mocha, Hadji and Monster stand by Hadji's dad's Mercedes.
A'ight, Monster, what kind of
toast you strappin'?
Monster pulls a scuba divers' spear gun from the bag.
What the hell is it?
My pop's spear gat. From the
Mocha laughs and starts doing whale sounds.
A'ight Free Willy, think you so
bad, what you got?
82 CONTINUED: 82
He puts an old musty case in the car and starts to close
the doors. Hadji stops him.
Come on, let's see it.
A'ight, a'ight, chill.
He opens the case, revealing an antique blunderbuss
musket, with a flintlock hammer and a bell muzzle.
Is that a freakin' musket?
What? My pops is a collector.
(off their looks)
Come on, man, pirates used that
Monster grabs the musket and points it at Mocha.
(imitating a pirate)
Aargh, matey, give up yer treasure
or I'll bust me harpoon in yer
Monster and Hadji start laughing.
Shut up! Damn posers!
He snatches the musket from Monster and carefully places
it back in the case.
Hadji, how 'bout you?
Couldn't get much, yo...
Hadji opens a duffel and pulls out three Kevlar vests.
When I told my pops we was going
on a drive-by, he gave me three of
82 CONTINUED: (2) 82
Good thinking, but what heat you
He opens a plastic case, revealing a Stinger rocket
launcher and four missiles.
Mocha and Monster are blown away.
Dang! Where'd you get all dat?
Christmas present from Uncle
83 INT. HADJI'S DAD'S MERCEDES - MOMENTS LATER 83
Mocha, Hadji, and Monster snap on their seat belts.
Hadji flips on the in-dash SOS Mercedes GPS system.
FEMALE OPERATOR (V.O.)
Yes, Mr. Amiraslani, can I help
Hell yes, chicken. I need a
location on license number D-
84 OMITTED 84
86 INT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT 86
The party is now in full effect, the system up and
cranked as the CAMERA FINDS Brad's in the middle of the
dance floor, freaking and doing the robot with a couple
of sisters. The girls whisper in his ear, he smiles, and
they head for a bedroom.
86 CONTINUED: 86
Just as they exit, Shondra enters from the kitchen, and
finds Sean and PJ, still tied up and terrified.
I haven't seen anything.
She moves on. PJ lifts up his bound wrists.
Shondra! Little help, please.
But she's gone.
87 INT. TEC'S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER 87
Brad's on the bed with the two women, who are kissing
Yeah, I just got tested positive
... for G.A.M.E.
Let's get busy.
They laugh when suddenly Shondra comes through the door.
That's the same damn line he used
on me, and now this no good
deadbeat weak-ass white boy won't
take care of little Malik.
You know he's yours...
This gettin' heavy.
87 CONTINUED: 87
The girls leave.
Damn, why you throwin' salt on my
I'm savin' your lily-white ass.
I ain't goin' nowhere. I'm a I-9
neow, straight-up. Peep my tat.
Brad lifts his shirt and shows her the tattoo on his
stomach: I-9 THUG.
Shut up, Shondra! I know y'all
set me up, I know it's all fake,
de kidnap, de stickup, de whole
Why'd you play me, huh?
For the money.
What you need money
Look, fool, this may sound stupid
to you, but not everybody has
money, and to people that don't,
money is important!
Please. You prob'ly still
flippin' me anyway, so --
87 CONTINUED: (2) 87
Dammit, Brad, this is real. Tec
and his crew are real --
Oh really? Well if Tec is real
then this gat must be real...
Brad pulls his nine.
And if this gat is real then the
in it have got to be real.
And seein' how my foot is real,
this would really hurt...
Brad aims at his foot and pulls the trigger and BLAM! He
puts a BULLET through the toes of his sneaks.
See dat. I just shot myself in
the foot and...
It's reaaaaalll! It's totally
Brad starts hopping around the room.
I just shot my foot!! I just shot
Stop hoppin' around, fool, so I
can look at it.
87 CONTINUED: (3) 87
Shondra gets down on her knees to get a closer look.
Lucky you're such a weak shot.
Cap just grazed your toe.
But, it's real, Shondra, it's all
Tec enters, gun in hand.
Who's the hell's poppin' ca --
Shondra, on her knees, kneeling before Brad.
What up, cuz?
Shondra stands quickly, scared.
Ha ha, Tec, my road dawg, yeah,
just the man I wanta see.
What's goin' on, Shondra?
It's not what it looks like, Tec,
Don't you lie to me. That was
always my line to you, and it
always was what it looked like.
Now what's up with your boyfriend
87 CONTINUED: (4) 87
Yo, dawg, love to kick it wit' you
and run the whole thizang, but I
got some bidness back in the 'Bu,
li'l somethin' somethin' with Big Boy
and whatnot, so if y'alls don't mind --
I do mind.
Tec grabs Brad and drags him out.
No, Tec, stop!
88 INT. TEC'S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME 88
Tec hauls Brad in, followed by Shondra. The I-9s draw
weapons; the room fills with tension. Sean and PJ look
on, getting caught up in the action.
Wait, Tec, lemme explain, 'cause I
don't belong here...
You done forgot already, fool? I
told you the only one way out of
the I-9s, and your 'E' ticket's in
this here chamber.
Tec cocks his gun.
88 CONTINUED: 88
ANGLE ON SEAN AND PJ
watching Tec, riveted.
See how committed he is? That's
the rage I was talking about.
BACK TO SCENE
Tec aims at Brad.
Please, don't be hatin'.
Shondra steps in front of Brad.
I won't let you do it, Tec.
No problem, then. I'll just do
the both of you.
Tec levels the barrel at Shondra and Brad. He starts to
squeeze the trigger when suddenly Bill's HUMMER CRASHES
through the wall. I-9's scatter and duck as the Hummer's
front grill skids to a stop inches from Tec. The
driver's door pops open and Bill jumps out.
Damn fool! You just hit my house!
Brad! Are you okay?
Not really. And unless you
seriously strapped, you about to
be not really okay too.
Bill turns: six I-9s are aiming guns at he and Brad.
Hey there, fellas. Bill
Gluckman... I'm running for
88 CONTINUED: (2) 88
We know who you are, fool.
You the candidate that's down with
bitches and ho's.
Tsss. Dude think we ignorant just
'cause we live down here. You
I absolutely recognize that street
violence is tearing Californians
apart... You see, guys, California
is my family, and hey, here's a
thought. Instead of thinking of
ourselves as what set we're from,
or what crew we're rolling with,
why can't we just be brothers?
What do you say?
Hmmm. I guess I never looked at
it like that before. What do you
The I-9's smile, cock their weapons, aim them, and just
as they're about to start blasting, the side WALL
EXPLODES and Hadji's dad's MERCEDES CRASHES through.
Don't anybody know where the
driveway's at?! Damn!
Gangsters fall back as Hadji, Mocha, and Monster jump out
wearing the Kevlar vests and wielding their weapons.
Better step, y'all, or I'ma have
to waste all y'all up in this
Yeah! Drop yo gats!
The I-9s, unafraid, point their guns right back at Hadji,
Monster and Mocha. It's a multi-player Mexican standoff.
88 CONTINUED: (3) 88
DEUCE AND 8-BALL
Drop your gats!
Nobody does. Brad steps out.
Hold dup, y'all. Before anybody
ices anybody I got to say something.
No one stops him, so Brad turns to his dad.
You really weren't gonna pay my
I didn't know anything about that.
You've got to believe me, that was
not part of the plan.
What was the plan? Send me down
here to scare me white?
It was stupid, I know. I thought
I'd tried everything... I just
didn't know how to deal with you
You've never known how to deal
with me 'cause you don't know me,
and you never cared to find out.
And now that your election's on
the line, that's when you take a
stand? That's bullshit, Pops.
Look at me, 'cause this is who I
am, and if you can't accept that,
then I'll walk out that door,
never see your sorry-ass again.
Shondra, Tec, all the I-9's and Brad's posse slowly turn
from Brad to Bill, completely caught in the moment,
waiting for his response.
I'm not proud of myself, Brad. I
made a lot of mistakes, and I know
I wasn't there for you, and I
can't change that, but I always
loved you and still do...
88 CONTINUED: (4) 88
... and if you say this is really
who you are, then I believe you
and accept you, and from here on
in, I promise to be a real father
Talk is cheap, Pops. Prove it.
I'm here, ain't I?
Brad looks at him. Bill looks back. Everyone looks on,
A'ight, Pops, we cool.
ANGLE ON GANGSTERS
getting emotional. A couple sniffle, a few wipe their
Wish I could talk to my pops like
No doubt. He's raising his kid.
(dialing his cell,
I'ma call my pops right now.
Would y'all get a hold of your
fool selves?! It's time to waste
The I-9s straighten up and re-aim their guns.
88 CONTINUED: (5) 88
Tec, before we all go out in a
blaze of glory, can I say one last
Whatchya got to say?
Moch, kick it freestyle.
Mocha rests the musket in the crook of his arm, and does
his human beat box thing as Brad begins to rap.
'What's up with all this fightin'?
We all should be unitin'!
Y'all egos need deflatin',
Gangstas, please, quit all this
Stop, please! If I hear you drop
one more rhyme, I'ma hafta smoke
A'ight, cool, but all these gats
got to go!
As Brad grabs the missile launcher from Hadji...
Word up, B. All this hatin' is
Mocha slams the butt of the musket down, and the
flintlock slams forward. Everyone cringes. Nothing
happens. Everyone looks at the MUSKET, then suddenly it
EXPLODES and a rusty musket ball FIRES OUT, slamming
Monster in the middle of her Kevlar breastplate. She
flies back and slams into the wall, causing her spear gun
to fire -- a SPEAR SHOOTS OUT and lands directly into
Brad's left ass cheek. Brad howls and drops the MISSILE
SLOW MOTION: everyone watches it fall to the ground...
REAL TIME: it hits the floor and the MISSILE FIRES.
88 CONTINUED: (6) 88
Brad... Tec... Bill... and Shondra all watch in horror as
the missile flies past gang members, through the kitchen
door, and slams into the side of the gas oven. We hear a
countdown BEEP BEEP BEEP...
Everyone runs for the nearest hole in the wall.
89 EXT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT 89
Bodies stream out of the house scrambling for safety when
The HOUSE BLOWS in a huge orange FIREBALL...
90 EXT. TEC'S HOUSE - NIGHT 90
We CRANE PAST emergency vehicles parked in front of
smoldering remains of Tec's house, then MOVE TO Tec, who
is yelling at a cop.
I know my rights, man, and
these fools drove two damn
cars into my house, then they
blew the shit up! This all
better be rebuilt before my
ma comes back, or she will
make you wish you were never
CLOSE ON a FEMALE TV REPORTER speaking TO CAMERA.
I have two witnesses who were at
the scene of the explosion...
She turns and the CAMERA WIDENS to include Sean and PJ;
their clothes are singed and still smoking.
Can you tell us what happened?
90 CONTINUED: (A1) 90
It was hard core, yo. All these
crazy busters was strapped to the
nines, and I was like, keepin' the
peace, telling the brothers to
talk it out, find their common
Sean steps in front of PJ, speaking directly INTO CAMERA.
(going for the Oscar)
See, the explosion was just a
metaphor for the anger we
oppressed young men of color have
buried deep inside our hearts...
hearts turned dark --
Okay, thank you, Bloodbath and
(turns TO CAMERA)
And all of this mayhem is rumored
to have been caused by the
mysterious White Kong, who remains
at large. This is Soon Yi Baxter-
Hernandez, reporting from South
When's this gonna air?
Can I get a copy of this? I need
it for my reel.
She glares and they move off... We FIND Brad and Shondra
by an ambulance, talking as a paramedic bandages Brad's
90 CONTINUED: 90
I'm cool... still a little
confused maybe. I'm still not
exactly sure what was for real and
Well, as far as being real, I can
only vouch for two things.
She kisses him full on the lips.
I can deal with a little more of
They kiss again, then Brad breaks it.
Wait a minute. You said two
things was real. What was the
Shondra smiles as we...
91 CLOSEUP ON BIG BOY 91
What up, Shondra?
INT. BIG BOY'S MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DAY
It's an incredibly foofy Baroque nightmare.
Damn, you knew Big Boy the whole
I told you we go way back.
So Shondra tells me you drop
91 CONTINUED: 91
He hands over a Mali-Bootay CD.
Once you hear my demo, you're
gonna want to give me Eminem play,
(taking the CD)
I can't wait, y'all. Peace.
Big Boy pounds Brad and they exit. Big Boy hands the CD
to a British butler, who puts it in the system. Big Boy
puts on the headphones and the butler hits play. Big Boy
listens for a minute, then smiles.
I know exactly what to do with
A91 OMITTED A91
A92 EXT. BIG BOY'S BACK PATIO - DAY A92
Big Boy stands there in his bathrobe.
Brad's CD flies into the sky like a skeet clay pigeon.
Big Boy raises a GLOCK and BLOWS it to kingdom come.
93 INT. AMPHITHEATRE - IN WINGS - DAY 93
Brad and Shondra stand off to the side of a huge rally.
Damn. Twenty thousand people, all
here to support my pops. He must
93 CONTINUED: 93
Like father like son.
Shondra, girl. I just have to
You the only one who accepted me
for who I really am.
You also car jacked me, kidnapped
me and tried to turn me white, but
I'm gonna let that go.
They kiss, tongues and all as Bill walks up.
Hey, kids... Sorry to interrupt.
Well, I'm about to go on and,
Brad... I want you to be part of
You mean, be onstage with you?
I need you to help me get the
urban vote. Introduce me.
Dang, I'd be honored.
And, son, don't say it...
For real, Pops?
93 CONTINUED: (1A) 93
For real, son, for rizzeal.
Shondra looks on proudly as MUSIC -- heavy on emotional
strings, swells, driving the movie audience to feel as
good as they've ever felt in a movie. Brad takes the
Hey, y'all! I'm here to introduce
you to my father, Bill Gluckman!
The big Gluck!!
A rap beat kicks in as Brad goes all out.
We all gather here on this special
To listen to my pops, he's your
west coast liaison.
A speech from him, dude, is like
sex with a hoochi.
It's hot and excitin', like
shoppin' at Gucci!
Asians, Jews, Mexicans, too.
Everybody's votin', yo, it's a
Once he's in office you'll
experience great riches.
As a thank you for helpin', you
can get wit my bitches!
Let's get Glucked! Y'all get
We get Glucked!
Come on everybody put your hands
Bill moves onstage and attempts to dance hip hop style.
Immigration, education, and
It got me so stressed I need to
California ain't flowin' like some
Vote for dad or I'll bash your
frickin' face in!
Come on everybody put your hands
93 CONTINUED: (1B) 93
And if my dad wins this election,
he'll grow on y'all like a BAD VD
Yeeah! We all need a Gluckin'!
Let's all get Glucked! GO GLUCK
Brad raises Bill's hand up in victory and we FREEZE.
93 CONTINUED: (2) 93
SUPERIMPOSE: Brad did deliver the urban vote... to
Bill's opponent. Bill Gluckman lost the election by a
94 CLOSEUP ON FREEZE-FRAME TWO-SHOT - SEAN AND PJ 94
SUPERIMPOSE: Sean and PJ landed jobs more suitable to
We WIDEN to reveal Sean and PJ in uniform and working at:
INT. WIENIE IN A BUN - DAY
We UNFREEZE. Sean and PJ wait on a TEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
Welcome to Wienie In A Bun.
How about a Double Dog?
Tom leans in, with a "Manager" nametag, whispering
Push the Mega Meal, or you punks
are so fired.
95 INT. MALI-BREW - FREEZE ON MOCHA, HADJI AND MONSTER - 95
sitting at their usual table, in mid-argument.
SUPERIMPOSE: Mocha, Hadji and Monster continued to do
nothing whatsoever, except for order coffee and argue...
96 EXT. MANSION - CLOSE - FREEZE ON TEC - DAY 96
SUPERIMPOSE: Tec sued Bill Gluckman, and was awarded 100
thousand dollars for damage to his house, and another
thirty million for emotional distress. Tec moved...
96 CONTINUED: 96
UNFREEZE: to reveal Tec leaving his driveway in a
What up, neighbor?
PAN TO Bill, in his Hummer, leaving his driveway. He
waves grumpily as we...
97 EXT. SHONDRA'S NAIL AND BEAUTY SALON - DAY 97
SUPERIMPOSE: While waiting for his rap career to kick
in, Brad invested his trust fund into a business that
We CRANE DOWN FROM a sign that reads: "GRAND OPENING,
SHONDRA'S NAIL AND BEAUTY SALON" to reveal a crowd of
Malibu women gathered around Brad and Shondra as Shondra
cuts a ribbon with a huge pair of scissors; the women
I helped Shondra open up her salon
right here in the 'Bu.
A97 INT. SALON A97
Shondra puts the finishing touches to a woman in a chair.
She styled up all the ladies in
Malibu so they were stone-cold
Shondra spins the chair to REVEAL: BEES GLUCKMAN with a
crazy ghetto hairstyle. She looks like Busta Rhymes.
She checks herself in the mirror.
I love it.
She smiles revealing a GOLD TOOTH with a DIAMOND in it.
98 INT. NEWS STUDIO - NIGHT 98
SUPERIMPOSE: FOUR MONTHS LATER...
98 CONTINUED: 98
L.A.'s own, Hal Fishman reports.
It's official. Bill Gluckman is
California's next governor. We
have a live report from the
celebration at Gluckman
PUSH IN TO the news monitor over Hal Fishman's shoulder,
99 INT. GLUCKMAN CELEBRATION - NIGHT 99
CHEERS, as Bill takes the mic (As he speaks, we SLOWLY
PULL BACK, gradually revealing the people next to him on
This is a monumental day for our
glorious state and there are
several people I need to thank
There's the International
Brotherhood of Police Officers...
APPLAUSE, as POLICE OFFICERS salute Bill.
The Southern California Rotary
A table full of well-dressed PROFESSIONALS wave politely.
And our friends at the
Environmental Defense Fund...
A group of granola-type ENVIRONMENTALISTS smile.
Brad CLEARS HIS THROAT, causing Bill to look at him.
Brad gives Bill a "reminder" nod...
Oh, and of course...
PULL BACK TO REVEAL: We're actually in the PROUD BIRD...
(matter of factly)
... all the Bitches and Ho's...
99 CONTINUED: 99
A pod of SKANKY WOMEN snap their fingers in Bill's
The Pimps... The Hoodrats...
The lavishly-dressed PIMPS raise their canes to Bill.
The Association of Korean Grocers.
An ASIAN FAMILY give Bill the "thumbs-up."
The Playas. The Ballers. The
Shot Callers. And a special shout
out to the I-9's.
ANGLE ON TEC
and his gang. They wear dark suits and do rags.
And... The Women's Organization of
A table full of prim ELDERLY LADIES golf-clap and smile.
And most of all, I'd like to thank
my campaign advisor on urban
affairs, and my son, B-rad G.
APPLAUSE as Brad grabs the mic at the podium.
West Coast Reprezzizzin'!
Bill and Brad hug.
HIP HOP MUSIC KICKS IN and the entire Ballroom turns into
one huge dance party. Bill raises the roof as he
meanders into the celebrating crowd. People of all
different races and backgrounds dance together, all
having a blast...
Hadji grinds on an ELDERLY CONSTITUENT's ass... she's
I'm totally taxing your ass.
99 CONTINUED: (2) 99
Bess compares her diamond ring to Tec's Bling-Bling.
You get that from Tiffany?
I think that was the Bitches'
They continue to marvel at each other's decorative
ANGLE ON ELSEWHERE IN THE PARTY
We see Sean and PJ are caterers, wearing "Wiener on a
Bun" outfits/hats and circulating among the guests.
They approach a well-to-do PARTYGOER.
Would you care for a wiener?
Courtesy of Wiener on a Bun.
Or perhaps I can interest you in a
head shot? I'm trained in jazz
dance, tap, and I can do a
Tom enters wearing a "Wiener on a Bun" manager's outfit.
Idiots. What did I tell you about
bothering the guests? Now move
it, those wieners aren't serving
He pushes them out of there.
Yo, yo, yo...
Everyone turns to see Brad still at the podium.
Last time I was here, y'all threw
my ass out. But now that I haves
yo attention, I gots somethin' I
gotta say... And I have to do it
the only way I know how... Kick
99 CONTINUED: (3) 99
TEETH RATTLING BASS THUNDERS, as Brad pulls the mic out
of the stand and begins prowling around the stage.
(NOTE: Rap can be shortened.)
SLOW MOTION: Panic, as everyone realizes Brad is about
I wrote this one just for you,
(starts to rap)
Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah,
I'm sorry, I lost my place again.
Oh, here we go...
I got an infection.
My pops, he won,
Defying all the pre-dections...
Sean and PJ (waiters) drop their serving trays; Tec and
the I-9's dive for Brad at the podium; Shondra screams,
Brad is grabbed and thrown off the stage by the I-9's and
is projected out over the audience, where we...
FREEZE ON: Brad's terrified face.
(cocky as ever)
What can I say, ain't nothing but
UNFREEZE and Brad falls to the ground.
100 EXT. COP CAR 100
HAL FISHMAN (V.O.)
After months of searching the
Southland for notorious criminal
White Kong, the LAPD has finally
made an arrest. The suspect, a
black man, was caught earlier
Footage of a BLACK MAN being put in a squad car.
100 CONTINUED: 100
'White Kong'? Damn! I'm not even
That's what they all say.
Shut up, White Kong.
FADE TO BLACK.