NO STRINGS ATTACHED
Written by
Elizabeth Meriwether
INT.. BEDROOM- NIGHT
EMMA FRANKLIN and ADAM KURTZMAN Naked in bed but covered.in
sheets. Lying next to each other, but not touching. Emma
stall has her shoes on.
EMMA
I don't know.
ADAM
What about "Comrades-in-Fuck"?.
EMMA
No.
ADAM
What if we say we're in the Axis of
Fuck? we formed a Fuck Alliance.
We're neighbors 'on.. Fuck Street.
EMMA
What's wrong with "buddies'?
ADAM
Who says "buddies"?
EMMA
Yeah, you're right.
INT. PAVILLION CAMP . WEEHAWKEN-- IGHT-
1994. A summer camp in- Northern Michigan. It's a dance. An
over-enthusiastic counselor with a massive boombox stereo.
Coolio's "Fantastic Voyage" blasts.
About ten thirteen-year-old boys are lined up along the side.
'Hair down to their ears and parted in the middle-- little
versions of Kurt Cobain or Jord Catalano.
They are staring at a group of dancing girls - In the middle
is KATIE, the blonde who grew boobs before anyone else. And
every time she moves; she bounces.
The boys watch her, serious, concentrating. They need to
remember this for later. Katie continues to bounce- One boy
suddenly looks down, scared.
BOY
It tickles.
OTHER BOY-
Yeah. It does other stuff.
But there's a boy on the, edge of the group : A sweet. face, 'and
you wouldn't be surprised to- find but he's Jewish: A 12 year -
old, Adam Kurtzman. He's the only boy not looking at Katie.
Instead, he's staring off in another direction.
On the other side of the dance floor, next to an 'enormously '
fat kid, there's Emma. She's an awkward 12. Wearing borrowed
clothes- a skirt that's a little too long, a top that she
can't fill out. She's taller than any of the boys. But
there's something in her eyes, like she's laughing at
everything.
She makes eye,contact with Adam: She squints., He takes -a deep
breath,. She squints some more. He walks over.-'.
ADAM
Hey. -
EMMA
Hey.
A 'long' pause'. -They're not looking at each other. Then
ADAM
Do you want to, freak?
INT. PAV'ILLION-- MOMENTS LATER
TLC's "No Scrubs." Emma and Adam are freaking awkwardly - Emma
is too tall and Adam is holding on too tight and just
bouncing up and down. -
ADAM
You freak, good.
EMMA
Okay.
ADAM
- (singing along with the SONG)
"No, I don't want no scrubs"--
3.
EMMA
I don't get it.'
ADAM
Urn. She doesn't want a -scrub;
Because he's hanging out of his.
best friend's ride, trying to
-holler at her.
Katie, in another part of the dance floor, is in the middle
of a big freak-sandwich.
KATIE
CAMP RULES!
Emma scowls at her, looks at Adam.
EMMA
Let's go to the dumpster-
ADAM
(SURPRISED)
We're not even going out.
EMMA
(DEADPAN)
But I feel like I've known you.my
whole life.
EXT. CAMP GROUNDS- NIGHT -
Emma and Adam awkwardly stand against-the wall near the
dumpster. There are couples on either side. of them making
out.
So.
ADAM
I've enjoyed camp. There's all
kinds of fun activities. For
example, I learned how to-archer.
EMMA
That's good. That'll be useful if
you ever make a time machine and go
back'to the medieval ages:-and then
your-time machine breaks, and you
get attacked by knights.
ADAM
You're funny. It's weird.
4.
'FR+fA�1A
My life's pretty.fucked ug'.
ADAM
My parents are gettinga divorce..'
That's why I had-to go--to carp. SO.
The couple making out next to them rolls over.really close.
..Emma pushes them back over.
EMMA
Marriage sucks my ' butt .
ADAM
Yeah. it sucks it. It sucks it. all
'ni-ight.
EE+MA
People aren't meant to be together
forever. .'
ADAM
I just want to find a girl Who's
really nice. And she likes to eat
hummus.
Suddenly, another CAPPER comes up.'
CAMPER
Are. you guys gonna make out?..
EMMA
We just got here.
CAMPER -
Well people are waiting.
WIDEN TO REVEAL a line of awkwardly coupled Campers waiting =
to get to the make-out Spot. A boy walks by them from some
ather'-spot, smelling his finger.
EMM.A
Do you want to-
Adam leans in and kisses her. with tongue . ' They're both pretty .
bad..
ADAM
I like frenching with you.
EMMA
Okay.
5.
Adam starts crying, trying to hide it.
EMMA'(CONT'D)..
Are you crying?
ADAM
Pretty much.'
EMMA
Why are-you crying?
ADA
Because- because camp'-s almost over-
EMMA
Jesus..
Exwaa pats him a'couple times on the shoulder.
EMMA (CONT'D)
Look. I'm not really an
affectionate person.
Emu a, very uncomfortable, puts her-arm around him. He lets
her. They.don't look at. each other.
ADAM
Can I finger you?
. EMMA
Na.
ADAM
Okay.
INT. FRAT HOUSE- NIGHT
200-1. University of Michigan. A big party at a Prat house.,
Keg.. Christmas lights duct-taped.tci. the wall. reryone's
wearing "pajamas", which means. underwear.
Just like the first scene; A. group of guys are.staring at a
hot blonde.' They. wear boxers and drink beer out,. of plastic
CUPS:
The-hot blonde, KATIE 11, is wearing her sexy-little
nightgown and dancing to Ontkast's "Miss Jackson-"-
KATIE II
(SINGING ALONG)
"I'm sorry Miss Jackson,.I'AM FOR
REAL:"
6.-
She's dancing with a -hot athletic guy,, SCOTTIE', ..who is trying
to keep up with her sexy dance. moves,. but is mostly just
waving his hands in the hair.
At the edge-of the'group, two guys that don't look,that great
in their boxers- ADAM, now 21, covered-in hair, and his
friend,'ELI. Eli stares at Scottie dancing with the hot
blonde, Adam is too busy kissing VANES,SA, a nice girl.
ELI
I'd like to give her a Roman Face
Mask.
ADAM
(still kissing .Vanessa)
i�lhat?
.ELI.
It's where your balls are hanging
over her eyes and your-dick is
hanging over her nose. In-the
manner 'of- a mask. .
VANESSA
Uggh. I'm gonna go get more beer. -
ADAM -
Okay. I want to get'y"ou.wasted"
tonight.
VANESSA
I'm just getting a beer.
Vanessa walks away.
ELI '
She's not gonna let-you put it in.
ADAM
And that'.s totally -fine with me.
SH
e thinks sex is more fun when
you re -in love.
Eli stares at him, disbelieving. -
ADAM (CONT'D)
- 1 don t know.,She"s from :Canada.
They don't have guns.. Their
computers are run 'by tiny mice.
7.-
ELI
okay, well I'm from the United
States, and I want to give that
girl a penis mask.
ADAM
Why? That's not even hot.
ELI
Um. Yeah it is.
ADAM
You think it's hot to just sit
there with your penis.on her face?
ELI
(A BEAT)
You don't?
Scottie looks over and smiles at the guys.. One of his nipple
is slightly' larger and pinks than.the other one.
ELI (CONT'D)
Look. Scottie's got a gay nipple.
ADAM
What do you mean?
ELI
Look at it.
ADAM
Oh yeah. That nipple is definitely
more gay.= You can tell by the way
it wants to get legally married to'
the other nipple.
ELI
.,My dads are gay. I'm not ashamed of
(YELLINGOUT)
I LOVE MY GAY DADS!
.Some people around him cheer.. Some Frat Boys look over,
pissed. Adam thinks it's funny, then he sees something.
ANGLE.ON-- A girt on-the other side of the room. She's the
only one not wearing pajamas. She wears glasses, jeans, and
boots. She looks over-at him,.squints.
ADAM
Whoa . I know that, girl.
ELI
She's got bat.eyes.
ADAM
What?
ELI
She's got angry bat eyes. Like
staring at you from the dark.
Its. pretty hot . I'd fuck.a bat. A
bat in a cave. A hot bat in a cave.
Adam starts to walk -over to her.
ELI (CONT'D)
You know who else-is hot? Your
girlfriend.
INT. ERATHOUSE- CONTINUOUS
Adam walks up.
ADAM
Hi, T-
EMMA
Hello Adam Kurtzman,. of Camp
Weehawken: I'm Emma. I held you
while you cried.,
ADAM
Emma. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. I was
totally in love with you.
ELM
You were?
ADAM
No. Hi. ,You:'re here. This is crazy.
Do you go here?
EMMA
No, I grew,up 20 minutes away.
Ypsilanti,.Midhigan. The land of my
birth. 'l go to MIT.
ADAM
Wow. So grew up-to-be a lot smarter
than nip.
9.
EMMA
Uh-huh. 'It's scary actually, how
smart I am. Sometimes my neck gets
sore because my:brain is so.big.
ADAM
My neck gets sore. when I-eat string,
cheese. Sometimes.. so what are you'
doing Here?
-At a party of Frat.
EMMA
I'm trying,to get someone to rufee
me'. I keep holding out my cup..
ADAM
I'll rufee.you. I was gonna save it
for a Freshman but whatever- I'll
take you out to.the alley,. I'll
light some candles-
Some girls near by give Adam a dirty look and walk away.
EMMA
So. Times have changed. We've grown
up. Do you have -a girlfriend?
ADAM
NO. Yes. Over there. Vanessa. Is
her name.
ANGLE ON- Vanessa, by the beer, talking to a bunch of other
girls. She sees Adam and makes a kissy-mouth.
EMMA
Oh. The-fat one?
ADAM
What?
EMMA
Look at that McDonald's face.
ADAM
She''s not fat.
EMMA
Why won't she sleep, with .you?
ADAM
What? We. sleep together. All night.
10.
EMMA
Come on. it's obvious. Look how
tense your shoulders are. I'd need
a flashlight to find: your-balls.
ADAM
Whoa.
EMMA
I'm Pre MEd, I'm really comfortable.,
with talking about the human body,
and male genitalia in piarticular. S
could fill, a book with' a.11 the
dicks -and balls' I've seen.'I'd call
that book.. "Disks -and Balls".. Or
"Dicks, Balls, and .Dogs" and'i'd
ptit -pictures of dogs in it too.
(off Adam's look)
I- don't know, I'm weird, deal with
it. So why won't she sleep with
you?
ADAM
(A BEAT)
We're waiting till we're ready.
EMMA.
What do you need to be ready for?
The rest of your life? It's just'
sex, Adam. It's not a marathon.'You
don't have-to train.
ADAM
Oh yeah. I guess everyone hapsex
at - MIT.
EMMA
MIT can get crazy Kids are pretty
much ready to fuck anything-. They
know that based on attractiveness,
they're on - the bottom of -the ' -
biological food chain, so if the'
opportunity comes along for
procreation, they better fucking.
ridethat shit.
(A BEAT)
What's' up with those boxers?
ADAM
What's'up with your.face?
. EMMA
I don't get it.,
11.
ADAM
It's like, beautiful.
INT. EMMA' S CAA-- NIGHT
Emma and Adam are kissing and ripping each other's winter
jackets off.-Outside the car, it-snows a little.
ADAM
My girlfriend's not fat-
EMMA
Oh- yeah-. she seems great-
ADAM
She is great-
He rips open her shirt.
ADAM (CONT'D)
And I feel really'bad about this.
He puts starts kissing her chest. Then starts coughing.
ADAM (CONT'D).
Oh. I got too much boob izi .my
mouth.
EMMA
Aren't they cool? They move around
and stuff.
ADAM
You didn't have boobs at Camp.
Weehawken. Your boobs were still
little stars in the sky. I had such
a.big crush-on.you, Jesus.
Emma starts taking off his pants.
EMMA
(TRUMPET SOUND)
Doo-doo-doo. I'll be removing your
-pants now.
Adam moves away.
ADAM
Hey. Hey. Actually. I can't do.
this.
12.
EMMA
Was the trumpet sound weird?
ADAM -
No. I just-I can't cheat on my
girlfriend..
EMMA
-Oh. Why not?
ADAM
Because then I turn into.my dad.
And then.my worst fears have been
realized. And then that sucks.
Where do. you go from there? -Once
your worst :fears have been
realized. You become Bob. Sagat.. I
want to. A lot. 'A lot,-alot. But I
can't. , Is that okay?
EMMA
Yeah, but I'm keeping your pants.
ADAM
Really? '
EMMA
No. Here.
She gives his pants back.
EXT. UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN CAMPUS- NIGHT- LATER
Adam and Emma are walking around the campus-'it's a pretty
winter night, a, little bit of snow. A' drunk kid throwing up.
EMMA
Your dad-was on that show?
ADAM
Yeah.-That's him.
EMMA
I always hated that TV show. T
think it first came out when I was.
teething, and I've just always
associated it' with. pain in my gums.
ADAM
So do you do this stuff all the .
time? It.'s okay if you 'do, I might.
call you a ho but it's okay-
13..
EMMA
No. I don't. But I don't have a
problem with it.
ADAM
What?
EMMA
The affairs of the. heart. The
fleeting passions of a drunken
night.-The wayI .see it we're all
just these big dumb.. animals. who,
for the most .part; just want to
have sex with each other.: So maybe
we should stop beating ourselves up
for what-we feel and just make
sweet bone.
ADAM
You make a c ompelling argument .
EMMA
And also, it's somewhat improbable,
but I like you.
Adam beams.
EMMA (CONT'D)
Don't smile. Jesus.
ADAM
What?
EMMA
You want 'to come with me tomorrow?
I have to go to-this-'stupid thing.
ADAM
Um, I think I... . Yeah. Ii11 go with
you. ' What is it?
EMMA
Some stupid thing.
EXT.. GRAVEYARD- DAY
The next day. Adam. stands next to Emna at a funeral. Everyone
is wearing black, except.Adam. He's overwhelmed- why the hell
is he here?
The people at the funeral are,. on the whole, without style-
pudgy bodies and sensible shoes.'It's cold out.
14.
They are blowing on their hands. Many people are cryin.g.1Emma
stands next to her mother, SANDRA FRANKLIN., crying hard. Forma
is- dry-eyed.-
'
A bird shits on the coffin. She's the only one to see it. She
smiles.
INT. FRANKLIN HOUSE- LIVING ROOM
Emma's family' s' small house in Yspilanti. The wake. 'People.
milling around, talking softly. Lots of six-packs of beer.
Baked goods. There's an empty, yellow, above-ground pool,.in
the backyard .
Adam-and Emma are.-by the food table, loading up.
ADAM '
What the fuck, what the fuck, what
the fuck?'
EMMA
You have cookie on your face.
ADAM '
You said "some stupid thing." I
thought you were getting your hair
cut.
EMMA
Oh. No.
ADAM
You were burying your father.
EMMA
Yes.
NEIGHBOR DARIA comes up to-the food table.
NEIGHBOR.DARIA.
1 , .'m so sorry Emma. He was such a
good man. He was always sibi.ling.
EMMA
Yes. That was-probably because he'
was wasted.
NEIGHBOR. DARIA
Well. I wish you could have been
there to say good-bye. But you were
at that fancy college, -right?' -
15.
Emma looks.-away, we see.for a moment how much pain she's in
and how hard. she's trying . to .hide it. Adam notices'.
NEIGHBOR DARIA (CONT'D)
.And who are you? Are you Emma's
boyfriend?
ADAM
No. ."11.m just-
EMMA
HE'S MY--
ADAM
I'm.her.baby--daddy.
Adam. puts his hand on her stomach. Emma looks up at him,
getting the joke. Glad to be'saved.
ADAM (CONT'-D )
I shot one past the goalie. So.
(miming kicking a ball),
Score!'
NEXGHBOR DARIA
(SHOCKED)
I had no idea.
ADAM
But the truth is, I don't even know-
if it's mine.
EM
Of course i±s his. He'.s the only
ope I bareback with.
NEIGHBOR DARIA
(VERY- CONFUSED)
Well. Oh my.' Congratulations. Aria'
I'm sorry for your loss.
EMMA
Yeah, thank you for being sorry for
me. Have a nice day.
Neighbor Dana walks away. Emma looks at Adam, smiles.
EMMA (CON'E'D)
I wish:I'could take you to a
funeral'every day.
ADAM
You should try the Chex Mix.It',s.
theBold Party Flavor.
EMMA
E3ow-do they make it so bold?
INT. FRANKLIN HOUSE--LIVING ROOM- LATER
It's darker now. Less people..Jonah sits uncomfortably on a.
couch between two enormous fat people, watching Frarna do.the-
twist with a 6 year old by in a black suit.
INT. FRAM LTN IN, HOUSE-- HALLWAY-- LATER
Jonah walks around.-the house- seespictures of Emina and her
family on, the wall:.
-A 3-or 4 year old Emma with a pair of - underwear on her 'head.
-A, picture of the family on Christmas:. Emma has a littlei
cowboy hat on. Emma's' dad holds a beer and looks -away from".
the camera, not smiling.
Adam looks out the window out into the backyard.. Emma is
walking through the backyard towards her-. mother, who stands
alone near the above-ground pool.. -
EXT. F ANELIN BACKYARD- EVENING- CONTINUOUS
It's cold out.- Emma, ' -now wearing a winter coat, -walks - up to,
her mother, not quite standing next to her.
SANDRA-
I should've got him to move this
pool out of here before-he went
back to the hospital.
Sandra hands-the bottle to Emma, who takes a swig.
EMMA
What? Yod were going to stop him
from dying so he could come home,
first and lift all the heavy stuff?
That would'vejustmade him-want-to
die faster.
17.
SANDRA - -
Emma, I should have called you, I.
thought he was in remission, and
then he. just went so quick-
EMMA
It's okay.
SANDRA
(A BEAT)
He was a son of a bitch.
She's crying. Enna looks at her.
EMMA
Yeah. He was not the greatest.-
(hard to say)
You should have left.-
SANDRA
I loved hint. Why?
EMMA
Because you're crazy. Because you
thought he'd change. Because you
still root for the Tigers.
SANDRA
The Tigers are gonna come back.
EMMA
-Yes..And maybe leprechauns are
real.
. SANDRA.
You don't believe in anything
hopeless, Emma?
EMMA
The Toothfairy. And paying off my
student loans.-Are you gonna come
back inside-,-Mom? Because it's kind
of depressing in there.- It's like.
somebody died.
SANDRA
Yes. I think I will go back in. -You
know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
get-so drunk I can't walk and then
I.'m gonna watch "Bambi" and cry for
a couple hours.
EMMZ
It's good to have a plan.
TNT. FRANKLIN HOUSE- LIVING ROOM- LATER.'
/'Bai2?b1 " is on the TV.
Sandra watches, drunk and sobbing. Adam is also crying,
harder than, Sandra. Beer cans all around.
SANDRA-
(THROUGH TEARS)
Look at his little his face-
ADAM-
(THROUGH TEARS)
His little deer paws-
Emma, sandwiched between them, dry-eyed.
IN . EMMA'S CAR- LATER THAT NIGHT'
In front of Adam's dorm. Adam stands on the 'street, looking
in the car- window.
EMMA
Id say- we should hook up or
something, but I've gotta get back'
before Mom watches "Terms of
Endearment."
ADAM
No- I' get it.
EMMA
I'm glad you came.
ADAM
is it weird if during most of-your
father's funeral,, i. was thinking
about' you naked?
Ewa smiles and starts the car.
ADAM '(CONT' D )
So should 1.1±k6 call you or-
Adam, you're wonderful, I hope I
never see you 'again.
(MORE)
19.
EMMA (CONT'D)
(a beat)
Have fun with McDonald's Face.
As.she drives away:-
ADM
She works out all the time. All the
tine.
-TNT. GENERIC LIVING ROOM- DAY
A brightly- lit living room. A spunky 30-something woman
stands with her hand on her hip.. A large, unattractive, 40-
something man:looksat her with a guilty look on his face.
'WIFE
Honey, why did I. find a broken
blender in my.herb garden?
HUSBAND
I don't know what you're growing
OUT THEREL
A roar of laughter.
WIDEN TO REVEAL- We're on the set. of a Sit-Com inside .a sound
stage..Los Angeles. 2007.
Standing next to the bleachers filled with audience are
writers and exec utives=-'baseball hats, sneakers, the
occasional suit. They're.all laughing and slapping each other
high-fives.
Further off to the side, A CHILD-ACTOR sits in a 'canvas
chair,. punching keys on a blackberry. Adam, wearing a head-
set phone and carrying a clipboard,: stands. next to the chair,
looking over - at the. group. of laughing men.
CHILD ACTOR
Can'you get me a no whip .skim
latte?
ADAM
Yes. I may.
CHILD ACTOR
(back to the blackberry)
You're... so... awesome.-
ADAM
Oh wow, thank ..you. Yeah. ,That means
a lot.. Let's-be best friends
forever.
20..
INT. ALVIN KORTZMAN'S HOME-- DAY
Adam-walks through his Dad's huge house. Cold, impressicply.
decorated.
ADAM
Dad? is
ALVIN (O.S.
O.ut here l
Adam walk's 'out to the pool area. It's gorgeous-. A"massive'
blue swinmiing pool, against the backdrop of the.-Hills. It's
perfectly decorated= the pool chairs, the swim-iup bar, -the
fancy grill. But it's too clean. It's like no.one.'s ever-,.-used,
the furniture. -
EXT. ALVIN'S POOL- DAY
ALVIN KURTZMAN, 58, tan, wearing a:form-fitting switsuit and
flexing. his stomach muscles. Flex. Release. Flex.Release.
Adam sits awkwardly on a sleek pool chair, :watching.
Release.
i .
ADAM
Wow, I,. should come over and wash my
clothes-on your wasbboarcl. abs .
ALVIN
Hit me in the stomach.
ADAM
Really? You want me to punch you in
the stomach so'you can-show me how
ripped you' are but it's going to
fucking.hurt my hand?
ALVIN
Yeah.
ADAM '
Yeah, sounds great.
Adam punches him in the stomach.
ADAM (CONT'D)
AAAAH‚¬
ALVIN
Let's get some ice on that.
21.
INT. ALVIN'S KITCHEN- MOMENTS LATER
A sleek, modern, black -and chrome kitchen.. Just as clean and
unused. Adam nurses his hand with an ice-pack. Alvin rolls a
joint with amazing precision and expertise.. No. mess.
ALVIN
Hey, it's not what you want to be
doing after college, but,you have
to start somewhere. I spent the
first yearI was out here buying
horse tranquilizers for Judy'
Garland.'
ADAK
I.know-. I've seen the pictures.
ALVIN
How's your mom?
ADAM
Oh,she's clinically depressed. But
it looks like she might start'
knitting.So.
Alvin lights up the-joint.
ALVIN -
Good, good. Are you having sex with
anyone?
ADAM
In my mind?
ALVIN
How long has it been?
ADAM
Since Vanessa. 8 months.
Alvin offers him the joint.. Adam takes it:
ADAM (CONT'D)
But I've been masturbating like my
hands-axe made of Vasoline and
someone just took my paints. So.
Things'are looking up. It's.good to-
see you Dad.
Adam sucks on the joint.
22.
ALVIN
Okay. Here's the deal. I'm dating
Vanessa.
Adam stares., shocked, holding the pot 'smoke''ixi: his 'lungs.
INT. ALVIN' S KITCHEN-' MOMENTS LATER -,
Adam is punching Alvin. repeatedly in the stomach.
ADAM
owl-owl OW! OW!
INT. ALVIN'S LIVING ROOM- MOMENTS LATER
Adam sitsona black leather couch with two bags of ice.on
either hand.
Alvin lies stretched out on. the floor. 'He's' on his side In
front of Adam, smoking the joint and doing slow leg lifts.-
ALVIN
I ran into her again at a'party. We
just started talking. About you
actually. Hey.kiddo. Kiddo?
Adam says nothing, does. nothing.,
ALVIN (CONT'D)
I know you guys went out for a
WHILE-
ADAM
Four years.
ALVIN
Four years. Okay. Yes. A'couple
years. But you've been broken up
for a year now.
ADAM
8 months.
ALVIN
Okay, but she said for the last
year, you were barely. having sex. '
Adam's, in agony, but he's trying not to'-let it show.
23.
ALVIN (CONT'D)
She said you weren't that attentive
to her needs? You told her you'd
only go down on her if it was her.
birthday? Kiddo, ' just ''ask 'ine if
you've got questions. I hav.e.years
of experience. Tf there's one thing
you-learn after two failed
marriages, -it's how to eat kitty.
(ACTUALLY SERIOUS)
Look. I know I'm .not the best. Dad.
But I care about her: And I've
always believed that the worst
thing you can do. in this .life is
say no to love. Right kiddo?
INT. ADAM'S CAR-- ' NIGHT
Adam's alone, in his parked car. He screams.
INT. ACE OF SPADES- NIGHT
'A dive bar. Juke box. Eli., Scottie are sitting around Adam.
Scottie looks great. Eli wears 'a Jamba Juice uniform.
ELI
At-least I know my gay dads aren't
going to eat out my ex--girlfriend.
SCOTTIE
Drink this.
- .Scottie puts a shot in front-of him. Adam downs it.
SCOTTIE (CONT'D)
Are you okay?
ADAM
Yeah I'm fine.
ELI -
Because you've got'a weird look in
your eyes. I'm gonna-be honest, you
look like Christian Slater."
Adam dbwns"another shot.,
ADAM
I.'m totally. ,fine.
'24.
ELI
No, no, stop. being so nice.
Seriously. Remember when:I.-.stole
your inhaler as a joke, arid. you ,
almost died and you didn't yell at'-
me. What did you do?.
ADAM
I threw your toothbrush in the
toilet.
ELI
You should've just yelled at me.
You've got to let some of this
stuff out,.
Scottie-puts another shot in front of Adam; Adam dawns it.
ELI (CONT'D)
You. broke' up a year ago.
ADAM
8 months.
ELI
-You broke up 8 months" ago. and now
she's-dating' your father: What, are .
you going to-do about it?
ADAM
I'm going to get wasted..:
ELI
Perfect.-
ADAM
And then I'm going to puke in that
trash--can. outside.
ELI -
That's a fantastic idea.
ADAM
And then I'm going. to call every
girl in my phone and tell them,.all.
the things-I remember about
Vanessa.
SCOTTIE
No, dude--
25.
ELI
That's the: worst idea, I've .ever
heard, and we're behind you 100
percent.
EXT. OUTSIDE ACE OF SPADES- NIGHT
Adam, holding onto a trash can-for :support, talks.- into his
phone.
ADAM
(SLURRING DRUNK)
Gretchen! Hey! What'sup Gretch!
Eli and Scottie watch, worried.
ELI
He`s at G.
SCOTTIE
Who's Gretchen?
ELI
It might, be his cousin.
ADAM
(into phone)'
You smell so good, Gretchen. I'm
gonna make you a sandwich. Of my
body.
(A BEAT)
Okay. Put your. mom on the phone.
Scottie tries -to take away his phone. Adam fights'back.
SCOTTIE
Give me your phone dude-
He drunkenly lashes out at Scottie.,
ADAM
(SCOTTISH ACCENT)
,You'll never take my freedom-
ELI
(TO SCOTTIE)
Socttie, we gotta let thisplay
out. Just let it play out.
SCOTTIE
No,.I think I got it-_
26..
ADAM
(Scottish).
1 came to.Scotland to raise cropsi
and God willing, a family-
out of nowhere., Scottie jumps on Adam, he's -taken down-1
EXT. A LIVING ROOM- MORNING
Adam is lying face down on a bed. He opens his eyes . ' Bright
sun. He has no idea where he is. It''s a living-room of a
small apartment. There are boxes everywhere. Nothing. on the
shelves,. sparse furniture.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
There's Advil on the table.
Adam gets up, in a lot of pain,rand heads over to the Advil.
ADAM
I don!t'know who you are. Are you
pretty? It doesn'tmatter if you're
pretty. You can be ugly, I'm still
gonna call you tomorrow,' don't
worry about it. I'm gonna take you
out.. I'm gonna pay for everything-
Emma comes out of the bathroom in a'towel and shoes,.drying
her hair. -
EMMA
I'm gorgeous.
Adamlooks at her,.amazed.
EMMA (CONT'D)
You called me last night :and asked
if I would fight to get the English
out of Scotland..'
ADAM
You don't live . in LA'.
EMMA
I've been living here 'fot ' 4 8 . hours .
You were throwing up for three of
them. I've never seen anyone puke
like you puked. You puked .with
passion.. It was like watdhiiig
Faulkner write "As.I Lay Dying."
I
- 27.
ADAM
You're not wearing clothes.
EMMA
Neither axe you.
ADAM
Did you take advantage of'me?
(A BEAT)
-I hope you took advantage.of me.
(A BEAT)
Will you take advantage of me?
Emma just looks at him, it's not clear what she's thinking.
ADAM (CONT'D).
Oh god, I'm sorry, I'm, like, in my
underwear.and I'm hitting on you,
that's so gross, who am I? I don't
even know you that well-.1-mean I
went to your dad's funeral, but
other than that-
Emma's lips are on his.
INT. - EMMA' S BEDROOM- MOMENTS LATER
They-are'making out and talking in between kisses.
ADAM
My dad's dating my.ex-girlfriend-
EMMA
You told me last night-
ADAM
I did? Did I tell you in a funny
way? Was X kind 'of charming and
funny?
I EMMA
No you were crying and covered in
vomit.
I ADAM
YOUR BREA
pts are like 'little elf mountains';:
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- MOMENTS LATER
Adam's ripping through an unpacked box, excited.
28.
ADAM
Condoms, condoms, condoms-
EMMA.'S VOICE (O.S.)
They're in,the box, down by the-
ADAM .
It's like an Easter Egg hunt. But
' we're ,not celebrating Christ !
EMMA (O.S.)
Inside the box there's ..a box-
Adam takes out a large vibrator, the "rabbit",.
ADAM
If some guy had a dick,like this,
you would be like: Why does your
dick have rabbit ears?,
EMMP.(O.S.)
Is there a Rite Aid bag?,.
,Adam takes out a couple books.
ADAM
00, "Snow Falling on Cedars "- what
did you think of that?
EMMA (O.S.)
Jesus.
Ema, naked, runs past him, grabs a string of condoms and
runs back to the bed. He gets up and chases her.
ADAM
Those are for, me! You don't get to
wear one of those!
INT. EMMA' S BED- MOMENTS LATER
Adam and Emma are -having sex.
ADAM
Wow.
EMMA '
YEAH--
ADAM
It feels like your vagina- is
shaking hands with my, penis,
29.
EMMA
Is that a..good thing?.
ADAM
Yes. Yes -it is.
JUMP CUB-. In a .different position.
EMMA
You have a weird sex face.
ADAM
.What's my sex face?
EMMA
I don't know- it's like Richard.
Nixon and Dan Rather and someone
having an asthma attack..
ANGLE ON- His sex face, it does look. like that.
ADAM
Flip it?
EMMA
Affirmative.
They flip so 'she's on top.
EMMA (CONT'D)
Look, I'm riding you like a sled.
ADAM
Um. Whee! Ow. Do you want to take
your shoes off?
EMMA
I never take my-shoes oft. What if
there's a nuclear attack?
ADAM
The shoes aren't gonna help.
EMMA
What if-someone breaks into my
apartment, holds me at gunpoint and
says: You must run hurdles.
ADAM
I'm gonna cum.
EMMA
That's bullshit.
30.
ADAM
Fine. But you have about-45 seconds
to get your shit together.
EMMA
Fine.
ADAM
Fine.
INT.EMMA'S BED- 45 SECONDS LATER
Adam has his 'hands out in the iconic Nixon pose, peace
fingers on both hands and makes weird sounds like Nixon
having an orgasm.-. (Whatever that. sounds like.) 1 -
INT. EMMA'S BED- MOMENTS LATER
They are lying in "bed; after the fact. It's a iittle..awkward.
EMMA
Let's.not do the Richard Nixon
thing again.
ADAM
No.
.EMMA
It feels wrong.
ADAM
it was a .mistake.
.(a beat)
Should we-cuddle or something?
EMMA .
I don't think so.
ADAM
I just like to-cuddle otherwise I
feel cheap.
Emma starts getting dressed- all business.
EMMA
I don't really do relationships.
I've tried and I'm not. good at it.
After a couple months , my throat -
starts to constrict and the walls
start throbbing.
31.
ADAM
Like a peanut - allergy. -
ELA
Yeah, like an emotional peanut
allergy.
ADAM'
What's an "emotional peanut"? Ha,
ha.
EMMA
You're on the rebound, you. should
be having meaningless yet sate .sex
at every free moment of the day.
You need another relationship like
you need someone to jump :out of
that closet'and throw-a brick-at
your head.
ADAM
Oh my god, is that going, to. happen?
EMMA
Look, I'm attracted to you---
ADAM
And I of you. To you.
EMMA
I'm going to be working 14 hour
days and I just need someone who's
going to be there at'2am, in.my '
bed, and who.I don't have to lie to
or eat breakfast with-
ADAM
I hate breakfast. And lying. And
also war.
EMMA
We need.to-make some ground rules.
INT. EMMA' S CAR- DAY
Emma is driving Adam home. She still has her Dad's car.
EMMA
Don't call me in the middle-of the -
day to tell me you were "just
thinking about me." No buying me
things. No crying. No jealousy.
(MORE)
32.
EMMA (CONT'D)
Nolong silences where we're
looking into each other's' eyes.. No
fighting.- No telling m e that I have
problems with communicating my
feelings. Because I know t do. I
-don't need you to tell me that I
do.
ADAM
Uh- don't sleep with-my dad.
EMMA
No stealing.
ADAM
Stealing?
I dated.'a guy who pathologically
stole stuff out of my apartment and
then' brought it .back the ' nest d ay
and apologized.
ADAM
Okay,'so the bar is really-high
here.
EMMA
Don't ask me about my past-
relatioziships or my hopes and
dreams for the future.
ADAM
II don't care about your hopes and
-dreams.
EMMA
I don't care about yours. No'
flowers.
ADAM
I'm scared of flowers..
EMMA -
Try to avoid being weak or
vulnerable in front of me. Don't
tell me about all'the weird things
you think about when'you''re alone.
Don't talk about your childhood.
Don't forward me things..
ADAM
Don't do that passive aggressive
shit. Like "Oh I'm:-not upset.„
33.
ENMMA
Oh Ihate that shit.
ADAM -
Don't ask me what I think about
your body.
EMMA
what do you think about my body?
ADAM -
I think-it's great.
EMMA
Thanks. Don't go pee--pee in front
of me.
ADAM
Don't ever saypee-pee again. Don't
talk' about how hard it is to be a
woman. Because it's'not.
EMMA
Don't-list me as your Emergency
Contact, because I .Won't".come. This
one?
She pulls in front of a house. Stops the car.
ADAM
Yeah. Don't say my penis is "cute".
Even if- my penis is ' dressed up like
a Care Bear and it's giving.you a
care--stare .
EMMA
Please don't dress up you$ penis.
Ever.
-ADAM
Yeah, that makes sense.
EMMA
And wedo this until one of us
starts feeling something more and
then we say good-bye.
ADAM-
Well it won't be me.
EMMA
Okay.
34.
ADAM
(after a beat)
So you want to come in?
(THE FOLLOWING SECTION- Short scenes maybe with music
underneath, kind of like a montage.'.. I don't know)
INT ADAM'S BEDROOM- MOMENTS TITER.
Adam and Emma are happily going at :it.
ADAM
Sex is so great.
EMMA
Sex is so great!
Emma goes down on him.
ADAM
You're blowing me! That's great!
Emma looks up at him.
EMMA
Your dick tastes like ma tzo.
ADAM
Really? I should call my mom.'
EMMA
Yeah, let-'s call your mom. Oh wait,
I'have your dick in my mouth.-
ADAM
What else does,it.taste like?
EMMA
I don't know-; 'let me see.;
Siie'.goes back down to check' it out. -Then comes back up.
EMMA {CONT'D)
A hint of oakiness Some.earth
tones.
ADAM
That's fascinating.
EMMA
I go on dick tasting touts of Nappa:
Valley.
35.
She goes back down, Adam starts clapping in rhythm-like'he's
at a. sports game.
INT. ADAMS BEDROOM-- NIGHT- MOMENTS LATER
Emma looks down. Adam comes up.
ADAM
You taste like candy canes and
SUNSHINEL
Emma laughs.
INT. ADAM'S KITCHEN- NIGHT
Emma and Adam both wasted, making out. Sloppy. Just basically
licking each other's faces. Emma is, sitting in the sink with
her feet hanging down.Eli walks in.
ELI,
Oh. Hey guys. That's actually a
sink used for washing things.
Adam doesn't stop kissing her; just: picks' her up and walks
her out of the room. -
EMMA
(still kissing Adam
Hey Eli.
ELI
I can't focus on my porn when
there's so much real sex going on
around me.
ADAM
(still kissing Emma)
Bye Eli.
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Adam chases her" around the room with her bra tied around his
head- the cups stick up like cat ears.
ADAM -
Uh-oh, Bra-ears. Bra-ears,..
Emma screams and laughs and runs away from him.
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM= NIGHT
In the middle of sex, hot and heavy'. Joanh calls out:
ADAM
Oh. god, I love you!' j �
(A BEAT)
Just kidding!
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM-'NIGHT
Emma wears nothing but her doctor's; jacket . - Adam wears- )iriefs
and a cool Bas-style jacket. -
ADAM
I've never really done role'-play
before. What do I do?
EMMA
I don't know. I think we :just
start.
ADAM
okay.
He does something with his hands.
ADAM-(OONT'D)
(WOODEN DELIVERY)
Oh no Doc-
EMMA
What are you doing?
ADAM
Some mime work.
EMMA.
You don't have to -do that'..
ADAM
You don't- think so?
EMMA
No. I don't think it'-s necessary to
the scene..
ADAM
Okay. -Re-do. Um, sans mime.
Adani puts his -hands on his hips.
37.
ADAM! (CONT'D)
(WOODEN DELIVERY)
Oh no Doc. We're running out of
giggawatts.
Emma puts her hands on her hips.
EMMA
Hey McFly.
ADAM
What Doc?
Emma climbs on the bed.
EMMA
There's only one thing to-do.
ADAM
What is that?
EMMA
I think you better get in the De
Lorean.
ADAM
Yes. I think I will.
He does.
ADAM (CONT'D) .
(WHISPERED)
This is so'hot..
INT. E.MMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Emma and Adam are watching TV in their underwear, but sitting,
in different chairs,. eating snacks.: An older-sitcom comes on.
A younger Alvin is on screen. with a';bad hair cut.
EMMA.
Is that your dad?
ADAM
Yeah.
EMMA
He's so-attractive.
ADAM
I hate you.
38.
EMMA'
I'd like to put him in a !bucket and
have sex with the bucket-.-
ADAM
Seriously. You're a terrible
person.
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
They're having sex in a weird position.
EMMA
So what do you do for, a 1ivin4?
ADAM
Coffee. I get coffee for 'a I0 'year
old girl.
Cool.
ADAM
I want to do stand-up.
EMMA
So do it.
ADAM
I'm too scared.
EMMA
Why?
ADAM -
I can't-feel my legs.
JUMP CUT- Adam-doing some stretches:
ADAM (CONT'D)
My cholesterol levels have really'
been going down.
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
ADAM
Am I just a body to yoa?
39.
EMMA
Yeah. You're my renewable; source of
dick. -Your dick is,powering 5 of my
lightbulbs.
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
After the fact. Adam is looking through her i-pod.
ADAM
You have the worst- taste in music I
have ever seen. Seriously.- You're
like a teenage girl. You're like a
tween.
EMMA
What's wrong, with ,it?
He presses a button pn her i-pod and "Since U Been Gone" by
Kelly Clarkson comes on.
ADAM
I don't know if you know, this, but
one day, I'm gonna beta big Star.
He starts. to dance around.4nd mime a mike. -
EMMA.
No.
ADAM
(LIP-SYNCHING)
"Here's the thing, we started out
friends, but it was-all pretend,
yeah, yeah, since you been gone..."
EMMA
Stop. Stop. This is like my- worst
nightmare.
He- gets more and more into it, dancing arouund.
ADAM
(LIP-SYNCHING)
"And all you ever hear me say is
how I picture me with you-, that's
all you ever hear me say-"
Suddenly, Eauna Jumps up on the bed and goes. nuts.
- 40.
EMMA AND ADAM'
(LIP-SY NCHING)
"BUT SINCE YOU BEEN GONE!I'CAN
BREATHE' FOR THE FIRST TIME 1
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
After the fact. They're lying there happy,-but not touching.
ADAM
Did we invent-being "fuckbuddies"?
EMMA
No.
ADAM
Who invented it?
EMMA
I don't know. The cavemen?
ADAM
Like.one caveman texted the other,
caveman: "Where are you?". And . she-
was like: "In the cave. Smiley
face."
EMMA
Yeah and then they did it.
ADAM
Probablq;doggy-style.
EMMA
Definitely. And.-then he was like:
I'm gonna go spear some pre- '
historic hog. And she was-'like:
Cool, I'm-gonna have a kid and pick-
a lot of berries.
ADAM
That's beautiful.
EMMA
Yeah, it's really sweet.'
INT. EMMA'S HALLWAY- NIGHT
Emma, in her scrubs, falls asleep on: Adam's shoulder with-her
.key, in the look.
41.
ADAM
Hey.
Emma makes a little sleep sound.
EMMA
(HALF-ASLEEP)
Are -we having sex?
ADAM
(SOFT)
Yeah. Big time.
I
Adam, props. her up against him, opens the door, walks her over
to the bed. He lies. her down in the bed. Covers her.up. Turns
out, the light. Leaves..
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Emma is in.sweat pants,'popping Advil. Adam is eating pizza.
EMMA - .
I'm on the rag.
ADAM
Yeah. I figured that out.:
EMMA
(sharp).'
Why- do I look bad?
ADAM
Noi You look. Fantastic. Maybe it's
just the way you're eating Advil
like it's a bag of M&Ms.
EMMA
You don't'have to be here.
ADAM
Baby, you're a'-woman, and:I think
that's a beautiful thing.'
(putting his hand on her
STOMACH) -
Hello ovaries, I'm Adam. It sounds
like.you're pretty busy in there
doing all the things you do-
EMMA
Sheddirig the lining of the uterine
walls.
42. -
ADAM
Shedding-the ew of the-e', ew. But -
hurry up and finish soonl
EMMA
Oh my god.
INT.' UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- HANDICAP BATHROOM-- DAY
Adam follows Emma are going at it in the handicap bathroom at
the hospital- Eim a wears scrubs. Adams still holding a ';tray
of Coffee Bean coffees'and someone's dry cleaning.'
INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- OUTSIDE' BATHROOM
An old man is in a wheelchair is listening outside the doors
He's ' excited- his leg starts to uncontrollably shake. A :ntrse
NURSE
Hers seizing-.he's seizing up-
INT. ADAM'S HALLWAY- DAY
Adam opens his doorr, brushing his teeth. Emma'stands at his
door with her coat on.'
ADAM
.You just left.
EMMA
I know.
ADAM'
(as he's kissing'her)
Is this against the rules'? Is'there.
breakfast anywhere on you? Are you
a breakfast smuggler?.-
EMMA
(KISSING HIM)
Good, now I don't have to-'brush my
teeth..
INT.- EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Emma is asleep_ Adam.is watching her. The gray he's..watching
her looks like it might be breaking. a' rule.
43.
INT. EMMA'.S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Adam is asleep. Emma is watching hiin. She realizes she's been
.watching him, looks up at the ceiling. A little worried.
THIS IS THE END OF WHATEVER MONTAGE-'y THING JUST VENBD .
INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- DAY
The ER. Emma walks down the-hallway' with-SUMAIRE, a male-
resident, and CONNIE, a'female resident, eating chips. They
are all wearing scrubs covered in blood.
SUMAIRE
He sleeps with other people?
EMMA
I don't know. I don't ask.
CONNIE
Don't. you want someone'you can rake
leaves with? And.you're like: "Brr,
it's cold. Let's go makesome hot
coco." And he's like: "O1 baby,
that's.so cute, I respect your
body."
EMMA
Hm. No.
SUMAIRE
I guess my wife is kind of my
'fuckbuddy.. 'Except we don't have
sex. And we're not friends.
CONNIE
I don't buy it. You can't sleep
with someone and not'feel.
something! Come on! Don't you
always feel something?
Emma and Sumaire look at her, thinking.
EMMA
Uh-uh.'.
SUMAIRE
(OVERLAPPING)
No, definitely. not.
CONNIE
Wow. I.feel like Cindy Lou Who. I'm
like-"Have some milk and cookies,
because I still believe.
EMMA
(pointing to her scrubs)
You've got some-brain on you.
Connie flicks. it on Sumaire.
SUMAIRE'
That's so immature. You're so
immature.
He immediately. sticks it on Emma's fair and-runs away.
EMMA
I have brain on my hair, don't I?.
Connie nods. DR. HENRY METZNER, still good-looking", ixi his
fifties, walks by.
DR. METZNER
Need you guys back out' there
They immediately straighten up, he's the boss. He and Emma
make eye contact. She squints.
CONNIE'
Of course.
EMMA
YEAH--=
CONNIE
We were just trying to bring some
fun into our work day. Like on
Grey's Anatomy?
DR." METZNER
(A BEAT)
Need you guys back out there.
(to Emma as he's -walking
AWAY)
You have brain on your hair.
CONNIE
I.hate'him. And I kinda want to do
him. But I kinda just -want to go. to
SLEEP;
45.
EMMA
(staring after him)
Yeah.
CONNIE
So what does this guy do?
EMMA
Adam? I don't really know'.
TNT. COMEDY CLUB- NIGHT
Adam walks out on'stage up to the mike. He's completely
uncomfortable. People are talking, sounds of glasses.
ADAM
(into the mike,. too
'SOFTLY)
Hello Los Angeles.
Scottie, Emma,-Eli and JIM and HAROLD are watching.
ELI -
(whispered to Emma)
These are my two gay Dads
EMMA
I'M EMMA-
Jim and Harold wave back.
on stage, Adam adjusts the mike-' he has huge pit stains.
ELI-
Look at that sweat.
JIM
Oh T thought the shirt had stripes.
EMMA
Wow. I never really see him in
clothes.
Everyone looks.,at her.
ADAM ' '
(INTO MIKE)
Hey, do you guys think, it 's racist
that they're called "blackberries".?
No one laughs. Emma cringes. A black; person looks. really
offended.
46.
ADAM (CONT'D)
(INTO MIKE)
Okay. So. I guess it's just Inge.
ELI
This is not going to be good.
SCOTTIE
Maybe you could distract him and I
could run up and take 'the mike? i
ELI
Yeah, we could pretend to'be
bandits.
ADAM
(INTO MIKE)
Women.huh? They like to shop.
ELI
That's fresh-territory. That's
really edgy.
ADAM
(into mike, wooden)
My wife, she likes to-shop. Oy.
EMMA
what?
HAROLD
Does he have a wife?
ELT'
Of course. he doesn't. have :a -wife.
Look at him.
ADAM - '
-(into mike)
I tell her: Hey, I wish you would
diet as much. as you-shop.
.No one laughs. A fat woman looks, rea=lly offended.-.
FAT WOMAN
Eat my ass.-
She throws a piece of food at him. ..He catches it.
ADAM
(INTO MIKE)
Oh.. Wow. This is- this is .a
Jalapeno Popper.
47.
She throws another one at him.' He catches it.
ADAM (CONT ` D )
Hey, I'd like a beer.
Some people: actually chuckle. Adam is' surprised, but it feels
good.
Then a beer comes out of nowhere and hits him in the head.
INT. COMEDY CLUB- LATER
They're all sitting around the table in-silence.- Adam is
holding an ice-pack to his head.
ELT
You asked her to throw a "beer at�
you. -
EMMA
Why did'you say you had a wife?
ADAM
1-don't know. Because people make
jokes about their.wives. -
EMMA
Why don't you just talk about your
real life? -
ADAM
Because I suck.
EMMA
You don't suck. Just.keep doing it.
ELI'
You sucked. Tell me the next time
you do stand-up and I'11see if I
can get myself arrested first.
HAROLD
Thanks for being friends with Eli,
I know it can't be easy.
JIM
We're going to the bar.
ELI
Dad?
Jim and Harold both turn around.
48.
JIM/HAROLD
.Yeah?
ELI
Nothing. I just like when you do
that.
Hey,' I'm getting you a beer. 'Lou
should be drunk when that'woman
comes back and sits on you.-
Emma leaves with them.
SCOTTIE
So you guys aren't really-going
put?.
ADAM
No. We don't have.time to�go out,
we're too busy having Sex. '
SCOTTIE
Well do you think I ask her out?'
ADAM
What?
SCOTTIE
Because you're not really. going
out.
ADAM
Look at you, you could hasre sex
with any girl in this bar, and-look
at me- It's like you're taking food
out of the hands of a starving
child. Shit. Come on Scottie.-
SCOTTIE
What? I just think she's great.
They both look over to the bar . En ma sees Adam, smiles r holds.
up a beer. - -
EMMA
CATCH L
Adam ducks.
EMMA (CONT'D)
(LAUGHING)
Just kidding.
49.
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT- LATER
Adam and Emma are both taking off their clothes, on either
side of the bed. It's routine by now.
ADAM
Do you sleep with other guys? I
know I'm not allowed, to ask -or
WHATEVER-
EMMA
So.why are you asking?
ADAM
Scottie wants to_ask you Out.
EMMA
What did you say?
ADAM
What do you meat? I told. him No.
EMMA
Why?
ADAM
Why?
- EMMA
Yeah, why?
ADAM
Emma, you're killing me--
EMMA
I'm not yours.
She'meets his eyes for a minute.
ADAM
Awesome, you want his number?
EMMA
Sure.
Emma gets out her phone, makes a big show of putting in the
number.
EMMA (CONT'D)
Okay,-I'm ready.
50., -
ADAM
323-555-8903.
EMMA:
Great. Thanks.
ADAM
I think I'll goout onsome dates.
EMMA
You should.
- ADAM
Maybe I will.
EMMA
You should.
ADAM
Maybe I'll have. a lot of sex, with a
lot"of women that aren't you.
EMMA
Go for it'.
ADAM
And maybe that sex .will continue on
and on-until the break Of dawn.
EMMA
That sounds fun.
ADAM
Oh' yeah. Sex on the couch.: Sex on
the floor. Sex on' a boat. In a box.
With a fox. in a house.' Ona mouse.
.(a beat)
I do not-like Green Eggs and Ham. I
do not like them.
(a beat).
-Emma.
EMMA -
I don't want to go out with Scottie
anyway. He's too good looking.
ADAM
Oh great.' That's a great reason.
What is. it about me then? Is it
because I have hair on my neck?.
EMMA
It's just so soft--
51.
INT.
. FRANKLIN HOUSE- KITCHEN- DAY
Sandra Franklin is drinking whiskey, talking on -the phone.
SANDRA
He just left, he didn't even say
good-bye.
INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- DAY-.CROSS CUT
Emma, scarfing down a sandwich, talking on the phone.
EMMA
Mom, he's a jerk., you keep going
out with these jerks- Did you fill
out that form.I sent you with the
information about the co--payment?
SANDRA
Oh I don't know.
EMMA
(SOFT)
'Mom, try to eat something. Don`t
just sit there and drink-
SANDRA
I'ma not!
.EMMA
Mom.
SANDRA
(A BEAT)
Why are the jerks so much :fun?
EMMA '
I don't know,. there must. be some
biological reasoning, like assholes
-used to be the better hunters or.
something.
SANDRA
Oh., he 'was 'a good ' hunter. ; He was
really good at... hunting.
EMMA
(trying not to. laugh) :
Mom!
Dr. -Metzner walks by, looks at Emma.
-52.
INT. GUITAR CENTER- DAY
Aiiam is at the counter with four cups' of Coffee - Beaii . coffee,
a clerk comes up.
ADAM
Hi. I, deed a., guitar case.
CLERK
What kind of guitar do yoiz have?
ADAM
T don't have a guitar.
CLERK
(A BEAT)
Okay.
ADAM
It needs to fit a: small body. Like
a child's body.
CLERK
(A BEAT)
Yeah.we got those. i
TNT. STUDIO LOT- DAY
An actor enters the Sit Corn living room set with a guitar
case.
ACTOR
I'm-here for my lesson...
TYie Child Actor pops out of the guitar case with striped.
stockings and pig-tails.
CHILD ACTOR
Me too !
The audience roars. The group of writers/executives high- -
five'. Someone turns-to Adam and mouths: "So Funny." Adam nods
and tries to look excited.
A HOT WARDROBE. ASSISTANT walk up with a rack of clothes. She
watches- the taping for a momenta Shd' s gorgeous. Adam r1ifflea
his hair a little. She makes eye. coritact with him and-rolls..
her eyes like "This show sucks." Adam smiles and nods He,
watches her walk awray .
53.
INT. EMMA'. S BEDROOM- . NIGHT -
Emma and Adam are ripping each other's clothes off, per
.usual.
ADAM .
Should I just,. like, ask her -out? I
don't know how to 'do it. I sort of
work with her-
EMMA
Say: "Hey; I'Yre 'always wanted to
know what you look like when you're
not kissing ass."
ADAM -
That's a good.idea.
EMMA
No it's a terrible idea, Jesus.
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT- MOMENTS:LATER
Adam is ontop of Emina.Sex is happening.
EMMA
What-about "Let's-go get some
coffee and bitch about work"?
ADAM
Girls don't sleep with guys who use
the verb "to bitch".
EMMA
Flipsies?
ADAM
(HIGH-PITCHED)
FLIPSIESL
They flip so Emma's of top.
ADAM (CONT'D)
(IN PAIN)
YOUR SHOESL
EMMA
Just ask her outl You're sort of
HOT;
54.
ADAM
(AVICTORY)
I'm Port of hot!
EMMA
Just try not to seem like ;a.serial
killer. Are .:you ready to cuzit? I'm
ready.
ADAM
No f' wait, give me a second, think.
about something else: pasta sauce,
pasta sauce, old men eating pas.ta
SAUCE--
EMMA
(all hot and bothered)
It's not working--'
ADAM .
The president of Iran eating. pasta
s auce- the president of Iran eating
pasta sauce off an old man's body-
EMMA
Just hurry up ! I
INT..SOUND STAGE- DAY
The next day: Adam stands in his usual spot. This time.there
are a bunch of extras dressed as priests; smoking.
The Wardrobe .Assistai2t walks. up. She takes -notes, Adam ;
-notices -her.,' ruffles up his hair and tries to "look cooler. He
takes adeep breath.-
ADAM
So do you always kiss ass?
HOT ASSISTANT
.(angry., confused)
No. What? -
ADAM '
(trying to save it)
I like your face.
HOT-ASSISTANT
(VERY UPSET)
Why doesn't anyone take me
serious ly? '
55.
She runs -off upset. Adam nods.-That.was a disaster.-The'
priests are laughing at him. - -
ADAM
Yeah. Who wants coffee? -
Most of the group raise their hands: And at the edge -of the
group, ALVIN STANDS THERE, also with his hand up. -
EXT. STUDIO LOT- CRAFT SERVICES- MOMENTS LATER
Adam is in the middle of pouring ten cups of coffee. Alvin
has his arm around a priest, another priest is taking their
picture.
PRIEST
That was my favorite show.
ALVIN
Thank you, Father.
The Priest laughs.
PRIEST-
You're so amazing.
Adam spills some coffee, the craft services guy' glares.
EXT. STUDIO LOT- DAY-.MOMENTS LATER
Alvin drinks a coffee, Adam hands out coffee to some of the
other extras. Some people recognize Alvin and look over,
whispering to-each'other.
ADAM
what are you doing here, bad?
ALVIN
I wanted to see you, buddy.
ADAM'
Buddy?
ALVIN -
I want'to take you out to-dinner.
With Vanessa.'We want to take you
out to dinner.
56.
ADAM
Oh that's nice, but I 'don't really
want to eat in a place where you're
also eating.
ALVIN
Come on. We've got to talk about.
this. It would mean alot. Come on.
I'm going to stay and take pictures
with the priests until you say yes.
I
Adam hits himself '.repeatedly in the head with his' clipboard.
ALVIN (CONT'D)..
Good. I'm glad that's settled.
INT. UCLA HOSPITAL- LATER THAT DAY.-
.W61-re-very close on Adam's patch of"neck-hair.
SUMAIRE (O.S.)
It's so thick.
Sumaire is looking at Adam's neck on an exam. table. Emma
comes. in.
.ADAM
Oh -hey,. Emma. I'an freaking out about
my neck-hair.
SUMAIRE
He said-he knew you.
ADAM
Do you think it's possible that I
unknowingly got bit. by adog and
somehow, through a series of
genetic mutations, I'm starting.to
become. a dog? And now I'm :going to.
have dog-powers-. Like smell And
the power of bark.
SUMAIRE
(without express,ion)
Yeah. Could be. I'll write that
down.
ADAM
And if I shave it,.:am I zapping my
body of some sort of strength? Is
it secretly "strength hair"?
57.
SUMAIRE
Oh. That's a good point. What if
it's "secret strength hair"?
PAM.
should I take him up to psych?
ADAM
No, Emma, I .don't need to: go to
"psych," I'm just a-normal guy
who's looking for answers: about his
-neck--hair .
(starting to wheeze).
Oh my god, -oh my god, it's killing
me,- I'm dying, this is dizziness,-
check, this is heart-rate= increase,
check-' - '
EMMA.
No Adam, this is because you're
having dinner with your father..
ADAM
T know that!
EMMA
(TO DOCTOR)
His father's dating his ex-
girlfriend.
SUMAIRE
Yeah, that'll do it.
- ADAM
Please give me drugs.
Sumaire and Emma-just look at him.
INT.-.HOSPITAL LOBBY- NIGHT
Adam sits by himself on. one of the chairs. Emma and the.
.Doctor are talking-a little bit away from him.
SUMAIRE
1gave him a milligram of.
Benzodiazepine; so that's' the
medical equivalent of hitting him
with a large heavy object: and
leaving him on the side of the
road.
ANGLE ON- Adam, completely zoned out, hitting his hand
against.a children's toy block.
ADAM
Look. My hand is a hammer.-
EMMA
I just' worked 14 hours. i -
Em a is really annoyed. Dr. Metzner,walksby, looking. over.
DR. METZNER
You're a good girlfriend.
EMMA
(to Dr. Metzner)
Oh Dr. Metzner- he's Um,:he's not
MY-
Adam holds up his'car keys to Dr. Metzner.
ADAM
made you.a hat.
DR. METZNER
I hope you're not going to use
those car.keys'to drive.
ADAM
Put on the hat.
EMMA
You don.'t have to put anything on.
ADAM'
(WHISPERED) I
Put on the hat.
Dr. Metzner puts the car keys on his head and doe$ a funny
little dance. Enmia smiles at him. He smiles back: Adam sees
it.
ADAM (CONT'D) -
Give me my hat back. Now. -Now.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT-- NIGHT. ;
I -
Emma-sits in her car, Adam is-on the sidewalk. He- can see
AT LA
Vanessa and Alvin- through the window,- sitting waiting
table in a relatively nice restaurant.
59:
ADAM
I'm all over this. I am 200 percent
on my game.
(A BEAT)
Am I flying right,now?
EMMA
No.
ADAM.
Not at all? I'm not airborne?
Emma looks very. annoyed.
INT. BEVERLY HILLS RESTAURANT- NIGHT
Emma sits'at the table with Alvin, -Vanessa, and Adam. A
deadening silence. No one is happy to be there.
Adam has his napkin on his head. Er4aa takes it off and-gives
it. to him. Adam puts it back on his. head. Emma. takes it off
and gives it to him-
ALVIN
(after a beat).,
So. How long have you two been.
dating?
EMMA .
WE'RE NOT-
-ADAM
We're sex friends.
EMMA
Yes. Yes we are.
Awkward.
VANESSA
Happy Birthday, Adam.
EMMA
It's your birthday?
ADAM
It might be. Yes.
VANESSA
I got you a gift-.
60.
.Vanessa takes out a gift bag with '±ou're 26!" it has tissue
paper. and ribbons.
ADAM
I. love it. Thank you.
VANESSA.'
No it's- the gift is inside the
bag.
ADAM
INSIDE THE HAG! Wow!
Adam takes out a set 'of - expensive looking- sheets.
VANESSA
I remember you only had one pair
so.
A tense ' moment .
ADAM
I -loved you.
-VANESSA
.Alvin is everything I loved about
you, but he's just.a little bit
more mature.
Adam starts banging his head against the table.
EMMA
Adam's-had a long day: I think he
.should probably go home and rest.
VANESSA
What happened?
EMMA
He 'actually- he had an allergic
reaction to his own hair. If he
hadn't come in when he did,-we
might have lost him.
(A BEAT)
You can die from hair.'It turns
out.
ALVIN
Oh yeah?
ADAM
You know what the word 'is'? I've
been thinking and 'I figured it out.
(MOM)
61.
ADAM (CONT'D)
The word is Twat. Dad, you're a
twat.
EMMA
Sudden outbursts of emotidn are
common. The. patient sometimes
shouts out-things like-
ADAM
want to swordfight you.
EMMA.
For example. -
Adam stands up holding out his napkin as-a sword. Some people
around the rdstaurant-look over.
VANESSA
Adam, we're happy- it's agood
thing for everyone---
.ADAM
(imitating her voice,
SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Cha-cha cha aahahahcha--
EMMA
I think-we're going to call it a
NIGHT-
ALVIN
Hey, I know it wasn't-the right
thing to do,but I!m,not good at
doing the right thing. I've tried
and I'm not .good at it.
ADAM-
When'did you try? You don't try.
You just take. You take and take
AND TAKE--
EMMA
ADAM
ALVIN
What? You really want to-fight?
Alvin stands up. A tense moment. Adam pokes at"the air a
couple times with his napkin, but he's moving incredibly
slow. -
ADAM:
You're too fast for me'.
62..
C
Adam stumbles, Emma stands ,up and props him On. her shoulder.
ADAM . (CONT'-D )
M'lady. Is't thou chamber:hath
-thou.
EMMA -
Let's get the fuckout of-here.
ADAM
-Let's get the fuck out of'here.
They start to walk out of the restaurant.
Adam runs back and hits his dad as hard ashe.can with his
napkin,- he runs back to Enuaa.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Ha; ha. II win. I win.
EMMA
(turns back around,
LOUDL Y)
It's the best sex of my life.
Alvin and Vanessa- watch them leave.
EXT. VENICE BEACH- NIGHT- LATER
A couple hours later, Emma and Adam walk along .the Venice
beach strip. Adam is still pretty out of it, he's enjoying
the parade of freaks and drunks that walk by.
ADAM
I. always loved Venice as a kid.
Because I thought: Atleast I'm not
as crazy as these. people.
EMMA I
-But you are as crazy as-these.
people.
ADAM
Not him.
There's a guy coverred'in silver body paint., yelling at'.the
top of his lungs, and skating by on :a -skateboard.
ADAM (CONT'D)
who's got' the crazier-family?
I
63..
EMMA
I don't know, we'd have to develop
an elaborate point'system.
ADAM
(A BEAT)
I loved her. Vanessa.
EMMA
I knoww. I've-never been in love.
What does it feel like?.
ADAM
Home.
EMMA
Is that good?
ADAM
Sometimes. Here.
Adam gives the sheets Vanessa gave-him to a.guy'dressed as a
cat.
ADAM (CONT'D)
For the kitty litter.
TNT'. ADAM'S HALLWAY- NIGHT- LATER
Emma and Adam, looking at each other.
EMMA
So. Sleep.
ADAM
(A BEAT)
-Emma- this isn't working.
EMMA
Oh. I thought we were having fun,
BUT-
He strokes. her face, it's tender. It scares her.
ADAM
Emma. .
EMMA
You're breaking a rule.
ADAM
What rule?
64.
EMMA
You're not allotaed to say '''Emma„
and look longingly in my. face.
ADAM
That's a bad rule.
He kisses her- .it's passionate, a grown:-up, kiss. it takes her
off guard. He looks at her, serious,, inches from her face.
She's uncomfortable, laughs nervously.
EMMA,.
Hey, go to sleep.
Emma heads down the hallway.
ADAM -
.Wait--
INT. ADAM'S APARTMENT. BUILDING- CONTINUOUS
Emma runs down the stairs. Adam runs .after''her' barefoot, in
his boxers, he can't really, run, he's too out of it.
ADAM
Am I running fast? I can't. tell.
She turns around and sees him, laughs..
EMMA
Go back to bed!
Emma runs down the stairs, outside.
EXT. OUTSIDE.ADAM' S APARTMENT- CONTINUOUS
He stops at the edge of the lawn, tired. She : s .out on tie
lawn. .
ADAM
I can't do this.
EMMA
What? What am I asking you to do?
ADAM -
Nothing.
EMMA -
So what's so hard about that? -
.65.
ADAM
I love you.
EMMA
(a. beat)'
YOU'RE HEAVILY-SEDATED-
ADAM
love you. Be my-girlfriend.
EMMA
Don't operate a motor vehicle.
Adam, too tired to chase her, watches her walk to her car.
ADAM
I'll operate your motor vehicle.
EMMA
Good night..
ADAM
Be my girlfriend. ' Be my. girlfriend
forever.
INT. EMMA'S CAR- MOMENTS LATER
Emma, sits, in her. car, taking. deep breaths.- She can see out
her window that Adam is'still sitting on the stairwell
looking after her, upset.
INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- HALLWAY- EVENING
Enna's walking down the hallway, Connie catches up.
CONNIE
Hey, you want to get the Addam's
Family?
EMMA
I got em. . '
CONNIE
Thanks dude.
INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- EXAM ROOM- CONTINUOUS
66.
Three people in a .room that look a little like 'the Addaml' s
Family : An emaciated man with no hair, is lying ' in .a bed, ' a
woman is holding his hand. A teenager is. sitting in chair,
looking- out the window. A nurse stands by.
'Hello. How's everyone doing today?
No one-says anything. -
EMMA (CONT'D)
(smiling to.herself )
Sounds great.
Emma does a routine check and the man groans, starts to shake
a-little. The heart rate monitor picks up.speed.
EMkA _(CONT' D)
Sir?-Sir? Do you have pain?
No orie answers her. The woman won't=break eye contact dith
the.man. Some nurses rush in.
EMN (CONT'D)
Do you feel something--
The tone of the heart rate monitor..Emma tries to; pump his
heart with her hands. He's dead. The woman still won't break
eye 'contact with, the .man. The teenager isn't- looking at a:ll.-
The Nurse turns off the equipment, -looks to Emma', who stands
frozen.
NURSE
(WHISPERED)
Time of death.:
Emma doesn't respond.-
NURSE (CONT'D)
(whispered, again)
The time of-death.
Eimna walks out of the'room, past Dr. Metzner.
NURSE (CONT'D)
METZNER-
Dr. Netzner'nods, walks into the room. -
DR. METZNER
I'll take care of it.
67.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL/STUDIO LOT- NIGHT-.CROSS CUT
Emma is outside, breathing hard. She has one cigarette in. her
hand. She doesn't know what- to do, with it.
Dr. Metzner comes out the door. He lights a cigarette.
DR. METZNER
I didn't know you smoked.'
EMMA
I don't. I just- I .asked someone if
I could borrow it. I mean- you can't
borrow a cigarette-. I don't know- I
don't smoke.
DR. - METZNER .
(SMOKING)
I don't smoke either. You want a
light?
EMMA
I'll just. Hold it. Which is weird.
So. I hope you're okay-with that.
DR. METZNER
(.a beat)
People are going to die, Doctor
Franklin, that's part of the job.
EMMA
Yeah, I know that. I'm not, an
idiot, Dr. Metzner. Respectfully.
With a lot of respect.
DR. METZNER
Everyone else flinches. I:'ve never
seen you flinch.
EMMA,
Well. I guess I'm like everyone..
DR. METZNER
No you're not. -
Dr. Metzner tosses his cigarette, turns around to leave.
EMMA
My dad smoked cigarettes.,
DR. METZNER
He -quit?
68.
EMMA
Be died.
DR. METZNER
Ah. That's the fun. part- for
everyone who ' dies, there's always
someone else you can fix.: And. then - -
you go home and ti-y to. sleep.
Welcome, to the world.,- Emma.
-Henry leaves. FEMALE INTERN, smoking-a little further down,
has been listening to the whole thing. she raises her
.eyebrows.
FEMALE INTERN
He's married. 3ust'so you know.
Emma throws the cigarette in her hand 'away..
INT. HOSPITAL/'STUDIO LOT- CROSSCUT
Emma- is in the locker-room, sitting ,on. the bench with. her
"knees curled up underneath her. She's- still upset. :
EMMA -
(into the phone)
Hey, can I come-over later?
Adam, on the sound stage, is watching some crew guys pack up
some lights. - ;
ADAM
S have a date. So.
EMMA
Oh. That's great!
ADAM
Yeah.-. I )list asked' her and she said'
yes'.
(whispered) - -
She must be-drunk or something.
ANGLE ON--Hot Assistant holding up a finger to Adam,
:'One minute." - -
ADAM
I'm trying- to remember what people
do on dates.
EMMA
I don't known don't do that shit.
I guess just smile a lot.:Are you.
smiling?
ADAM
(HE'S NOT)
Yeah.
EMMA
Good.
INT. RESTAURANT- NIGHT
Adam sits across from the.hot assistant, Carmen. They're both-
eating.
CARMEN.
I love-broccoli. Sometimes I think
I'd like to live in a broccoli
forest. But I would be made out of
carrots.
Adam's face is frozen into a big, fake smile.
TNT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT- NIGHT
Dr.' Metzner walks out of the hospital, into an almost empty
parking lot. He sees Emma standing by. her car, looking at
him. He starts walking over.
.' EMMP,
T brought you a pamphlet..
She gives :him a "Quit Smoking" health pamphlet.
EMMA (CONT'D)
You don't.have to face thiss alone-.
DR. METZNER
(A BEAT)
I'm married..
EMMA.
Yeah. I like that about you..
(A BEAT)
So. How is-this done? Should we
have a tryst? ' Should we. Have a
parking lot tryst?
70.
DR. METZNER
No, I don'.t.think so.
EMMA
Oh, I'm sorry, I sh.ouldn.'t--
.He touches her face. Kisses her lightly.
DR. METZNER
Let's get an enormous bed.
EMMA
(SMILING)
Where are we going to get-that?
At the enormous bed factory?
INT. HOTEL ROOM- LATER
Dr.. Metzner is carrying hea:, dropping heir onto a
EMM
Tt's enormous!
DR. METZNER
You're beautiful.
EMMA -
You're near-sighted. Put on your
reading glasses.
DR.' METZNER
I
talked about you in therapy.
EMMA
You should be. talking about your
mother..
DR. METZNER
I do talk abort my.mother.
EMMA
What did your therapist telL.you to
do about me?
DR.. METZNER
Not this.
He kisses'her. Kisses her again.'.
EMMA
That?
71.
DR. METZNER
No. Not that.
More kissing.
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- LATER THAT NIGHT
Adam is having sex with Carmen, the Hot Assistant.
ADAM
-Flipsies?
CARMEN
What did you _say?
ADAM
Do you' want to get on top?
CARMEN
Can we just do it where you're,
like, lying on me?
ADAM
Yeah, cool. That sounds like fun.
Adam continues on,. he's not having the greatest time'..
INT. HOTEL ROOM- NIGHT
Emma and Dr. Metzner, after the fact. They both seem pretty
satisfied.
EMMA
You're the Old Testament God. -
Because you just, like, made me out'
of clay.
DR. METZNER
Well that sounds good.
EMMA
Okay,
An awkward moment.
DR. METZNER
I have to go.
EMMA
'Yeah of course.
72.
He starts putting his clothes back on.' eta is left star±xig
at the ceiling.
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- LATER THAT NIGHT
After the fact. Carmen-is holding onto Adam, forcing a cuddle
moment. Adam looks pretty uncomfortable.'
CARMEN
I feel- really close to you..
ADAM
Well. You are really,close to me:
IN . EMMA' S ROME- THAT NIGHT
Emma comes-home to her apartment. It's dark and empty.:
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Carmen is asleep next to him in bed. He is on his phone.
INT.. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT
Emma is in bed alone, talking on the phone.
ADAM
(WHISPERED)
Maybe he'll leave his wife and you
can run away and make A lot of
babies' together. Fuck. I can't
believe you did that.
EMMA
I know. I'm a'jerk.
ADAM
You're not a jerk, you're just-
deeply flawed.
EMMA
Are you jealous?
ADAM
No.
EMMA
Okay.
73.
ADAM
I got laid tonight too. And she'.s
sleeping on all the-pillows. Why
does she need all the pillows? Is
her head made of paper?
EMMA
There's an extra. pillow in your
closet.
ADAM
It's just- It's the first time
since Vanessa, not counting you,
EMMA.
Yeah.
ADAM
What's wrong?
EMMA
Nothing..
ADAM
You're jealous.
EMMA
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
I'm not.
ADAM
Your voice gets really high when
_ you're- lying. -You sound like a
munchkin. -
EMMA
(sounds likea munchkin)
No' it doesn't!
ADAM
(MUNCHKIN VOICE)
The witch is dead!.The wicked witch
is death -
EMMA
(high).
.I'm not jealous!
[ : NT-. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- NIGHT- CROSS CUT
Emma, in her scrubs, filling out some paperwork.
74 .
EMMA
Hey, where have you been?
ADAM (O.S.).
Oh you know, I've been busy.
EMMA
Doing what?,
EXT. SIDEWALK-- DAY- CROSS CUT
Adam in a suit .. On his phone .
ADAM
Going to gang-bangs. I've been
getting. involved in the gang--bang
community.
EMMA
Are you trying to make me jealous?
ADAM
(pretending to, talk to
SOMEONE)
What was that? I can't hear you--
oh, I have to go, this girl is
asking me if she can give me a
vagina mustache- have you ever
heard of that? No, stop. tickling
me, you -tickler!
EMMA
This isn't going to work-
ADAM
I'm sorry, I have to go play her
pussy like it'sa'harmonica.
EMMA
Adam!
Adam hangs up..
WIDEN TO REVEAL- He's in front of a synagogue, wearing a
kippah.A middle-aged woman. stands looking at him.
ADAM
Shabbat Shalom.
75..
INT. SOUND STAGE- DAY
Adam holds a tray o coffee, a bundle of dry cleaning, and a
bag from Whole Foods..He talks on.the phone as-people come up
and take coffee and the"dry cleaning, the child actor takes
the bag from Whole Foods.- - -
ADAM .
(into his phone)
"Big pimpin", spending G's, I be
big 'pimpin' on b-l-a-g' s" .
INT.- UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL--DAY- CROSS CUT
Emma's in her scrubs eating a sandwich.
EMMA
Those aren't even the words-
The Child Actor holds up a box of.tampons- pissed.
CHILD ACTOR .
What the fuck?
ADAM
(covering the phone).
Sorry. Those are for.-
A. female producer walksby, grabs the tampons.
"PRODUCER
You're the best!
EMMA
Just come over later-
.ADAM
Oh man,. i can't, I.'m doing so much-
crazy sex .stuff, I am. exhausted.
Emma, is there a word for when
you've . been pimped ' rain?
EMMA
That's too bad you can't come over.
Because I'm naked right now.
Adam freezes. Emma tries to quietly.. clew her sandwich.
ADAM
Yeah?
EMMA
Oh yeah, I'm so naked, Adam,- and
I'm just lying on.a big bed with
lots of... turkey...
ADAM
(A BEAT)
_So you're at work and you're eating
a sandwich?
EMMA.
Totally.
ADAM
Mustard or mayo?
EMMA
Both.
INT. GROUNDLINGS- DAY
Adam i's-doing improv in an improv class- Funny faces, big
gestures. He catches-the eye of a girl. She smiles at hind. He
looks surprised, suddenly realizing the possibilities.
EXT. GROUNDLINGS PARKING LOT- NIGHT
Adam is making out with one of the girls from .his class.,' Joyr.
up against his car. They talk as they kiss:
JOY
You're so funny in class-
ADAM
THANKS-
JOY
Do youthink'I'm funny?
ADAM
It was funny whenyou were Hillary'
Clinton and.you _got eaten by. that
bear. I didn't know Hillary Clinton
could scream like that-
JOY
Yeah?
ADAM
Wow. Yeah. 'You're so talented.
77.
Adam's phone rings..
ADAM (CONT.'D)
(INTO PHONE)
What?
EMMA
This is bullshit.
ADAM
Oh, I'm sorry, can't talk, I'm
groping--someone against my car.
Joy gives him a funny. look.
EMMA -
Fuck you.
ADAM
Fuck you.
Adam hangs up the phone, smiling.
ADAM! (CONT'D)
Hey, you want to get out of here?
INT. ADAM'S' HALLWAY- LATER
Emma is knocking on Adam's door. Adam opens it, sees Emma
smiles'.
. ADAM
(SINGS)
"Hey jealousy, I'i( gonna drive
around this town- let the cops
chase us around-
EMMA
Stop. Stop singing that.
Joy walks up to the 'door'.
JOY
Hello?
EMMA
Hello.
ADAM
Oh Joy, this- is my-
7B.
EMMA
'I'm his doctor. I did his testicle
transplant.
JOY
Oh my god!
EMMA
Yeah, we had to do an-emergency,
ball. removal. We actually replaced
them with the-balls of a small.
donkey..
JOY
Oh my. god, you have-donkey balls?
ADAM
I should'have told you.
EMMA
I just have to do a quick check on
them.
JOY
But it's so late-
Yeah,-isn't it?
JOY
(A BEAT)
Are you trying to get rid of me so
.you can have sex with him?
EMMA
Yes, that's right.
ADAM
I'm sorry, Joy. You're sort of a
pawn in a larger game.-It's my
FAULT-
JOY
Bitch.
EMMA
ADAM
This is amazing.
JOY
Slut'.
I
79.
EMMA
Pumpkin.
JOY
Pumpkin?
EMMA
You look.like'a pumpkin, bitch.
JOY
(pissed, confused)
What?
EMMA
Ring, ring, it's-the pumpkin patch,
they want their pumpkin back.
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM-- A LITTLE LATER
Emma and Adam, going at.it.
ADAM
Oh my god, you were crazed, I felt
like Flava Flav-
EMMA
Just shut up and fuck me.
INT. ADAM'S BEDROOM- NIGHT- LATER
After the fact.
ADAM
Wow.
ENKA,
-So I think your balls are going to
be fine.
ADAM
I noticed you'didn't.say I had a.
donkey cock,
EMMA
-I got you a birthday present. Close
your eyes..
8A:
ADAM
(CLOSED EYES)
My birthday was two weeks ago. And.
we said No Birthdays.
EMMA
open them.
Emma is holding-a -rubber chicken with a ribbon tied around
its neck in a bow.
ABAM
Oh my god.
EMMA
I just-.1 figured you were the kind
of guy who'd like a rubber chicken.
ADAM
Yes.'i am that guy.
EMMA
It's like: What's funnier than a
rubber chicken?
ADAM
Nothing. Nothing is funnier than a
rubber chicken.
EMMA
You can put it in a pot.
ADAM
Throw it in the shower when someone
is showering.
EMMA
Hit people with it.
ADAM
And -they're like:.Aaali, .why are you
hitting me with a rubber chicken?
They kiss, it's-
.tender.
ADAM (CONT'D)...
I love it, I love my -chicken. What
are we doing? I have to take you
out.-I have to go on a date with
you.
EMMA
What do you mean?
81.
ADAM
Like -a.date. Like - I pick you up. We
talk about our favorite books and
TV shows and I pay for everything
and then you reward me with an over-
the-jeans cock rub.
EMMA.
That sounds terrible.
ADAM
Come on, I'll take you to a museum.
EMMA
Why would I.want to go'to a museum?
ADAM
(KISSING HER)
Um. To learn about art.
EMMA
Is this what you want?
ADAM
So much,-so much it's freaking me
out.
EMMA
.Okay.
ADAM
(CELEBRATING)
Yes! Yesssssl We're going on a
date! We've had so much sex we can
go on - a date now!
:Emma laughs and hits him.a couple times with the chicken'.
EXT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- DAY
Adam waits outside his car with flowers. Emma, with ahoodie
over her scrubs,' stands across from him.
ADAM
You look great.
EMMA
I look like shit on a biscuit. What
are those flowers for?
ADAM
.(hariding her the flowers
You.
EMMA
Why?
ADAM
- T don't know, because you're my
flower.
EMMA
(ANNOYED)
That was pretty fucking cute.
ADAM
I know- I'm good at this.
They get into'the car. Adam opens the car 'door-for her.
EMMA
How long does it take to'go to a
museum? An hour?
ADAM
We're going to the Getty.
EMMA
2 hours?
ADAM
Jesus Christ.
IT. ADAM'S CAR- MOMENTS LATER
On the.way to the Getty. Adam is driving. Emma sits next to
him; uncomfortably holding the big bouquet of - flowers. Neil
Diamond-'s "Cracklin" Rosie"_is playing.
EMMA
I can't believe you made fun of my,
music-when all you do is listen to
Neil Diamond.
"IMAM.
I made a date mix,
EMMA
(can't help smiling)
Oh god..
83.
ADAM
(SINGING ALONG)
"Cracklin'-Rose , you're a store-
bought woman, but- you make, me a
sing like -a guitar hummin', so hang
onto me, girl, as our-song keeps
runnin' on, play it now,. play it
now, play it now my baby-"
Adamturns the music down.
ADAM (CONT'D) -
What did y ou do today?
EMMA -
I chocked 5 ,prostates and I drained
a genital wart.
Adamturns the music up.
ADAM
"rind us a dream that don't ask no
questions-- bah, bah.'bah--"
EXT. GETTY MUSEUM-LATER
Adam has,the museum guide open. Emma looks around, a little
lost.
ADAM - -
So we're gonna hit up Decorative
Objects and Vases. and then we're
going to check out Antiquities and
Manuscripts- and then.snake back -
around and see the Dutch
masterpieces,.holla!
EMMA
Okay- where'.s the bathroom?
ADAM
We don't have-.time for the
bathroom. You're gonna have to man
up.
He takes her arm and they run-off..
INT. GETTY MUSUEM- LATER
Adam and Emma stand in f±ont of a painting.
ADAM
This one is called The, Tri=ph of
Chastity. The swan represents
chastity.
Emma puts her arm around him. and starts to, kiss his neck.
EMMA
(while she's kissing him).
Oh yeah? That's so : interesting-
ADAM
No- no, kissing on the date
She keeps kissing him, ..he's enjoying it.
ADAM (CONT' D )
No- not in front of "The Triumph of
Chastity."
JUMP CUT-. Adam and Emma in ,front of another painnting..
ADAM (CONT'D)
I bet you can.'t guess what this
one's called.
- EMMA
Um. "Man with a pink flower."
ADAM
You're right!
The painting is literally: A man with a pink flower.
JUMP CUTS-- A series of paintings with the Madonna, Jesus,
Angels.
ADAM (CONT'D)
So I guess there are no paintings
of enormous dreidels'.
EN.�MA
Oh, I think I saw one called "Jew
Eating Baby."
JUMP CUT- Van Gogh's Irises.
EMMA (CONT'D).
T h is one's good. Is it for sale?.
ADAM
This was.Vaness.a's favorite.
85.
Emma looks at him. Adam's lost in thought.
EMMA
Ley, I think T'.ve got' to get back.
ADAM
No, come on, you've got to see the'
garden, it's like a gay Japanese
monk had a nervous breakdown with a
pocketful of'seeds.
EMMA
ADAM-
EXT. GETTY. MUSEUM-- GARDENS- LATER
outside the museum, a gorgeous view, weird cactus flowers
arranged in a circle.
EMMA
It's beautiful.
ADAM
I told you.
EMMA
(A BEAT)
What are we doing here?.Why do we
have to do this?
ADAM
Do what? Spend time with each other'
that doesn't involve ripping our
clothes off, time that does't
involve you texting me at 1 in'the
morning and me running over like
your little sexbunny-
A nearby kid covers his mouth and starts giggling.
ADAM (CONT'D)
(TO KID)
Sometimes "bunnies can be bad.
The kid giggles more. An angry. parent shepherds the kid away,
gla± ing at Adam.
ADAM (CONT'D)
This is what a relationship is!
86.
EMMA
No it's not! Maybe that's what You
did with Vanessa or whoev er, but '
that's not who I am, Adam. This
stuff freaks me out.
ADAM
I want -to be nice to you and do
nice things for you- -
EMMA -
You already do nice things for me!.
You make me laugh and you fuck my
brains out.
Some people- ipok over.
EMMA, (CANT''D)
(lowers her voice a
LITTLE)
Why do we have to do what-everyone
else does?
ADAM
Because T-can't do it-doing anymore
if you're not my girlfriend!
EMMA
Why does it matter if I'm your
girlfriend or not, Adam? Why do I
have to be yours?
ADAM
Because .I'ia tired of pretending'
that I don't feel anything, I'm
tired of pretending like it doesn't
-kill me to think that you're with
anyone else- This is what people
do, Emma-- they buy each other
flowers, they go to museums, they
don't sleep with other people-
EMMA
Oh you mean like your parents? Like
my-parents? Why would we let
ourselves' get hurt when we don't
have to?.
ADAM '
Because I want to get hurt by you.
If I'm gonna get- hurt, 'I want you
to hurt me.. Be my girlfriend.
87.
EMMA
No.
ADAM
Goddamn .it. You drive me crazy--
EMMA
You drive Me crazy-
ADAM
I wish there was some way I could
legally cage fight you.
EMMA - '
Buildit! Build the cage..
ADAM -
EMMA
I'll take you down. I'll take you
'down to Chinatown. I'll serve you
dumplings filled with me kicking
your ass.
ADAM
what?
She slaps his hand. He slaps her hand back. They start
"slapping each other's hands.
EMMA
Why are you messing everything up?
ADAM
Why are you afraid of being loved?
EMMA
Why did you get c6ckblocked by your
father?
A guard comes over.
GUARD
You guys need to keep it down, this
is a medi.tatioix garden.
ADAM
This is our way of meditating.
GUARD
("you guys are assholes")
Yeah.
88.
He walks away. They whisper back and forth, fast and without
expression, while. pretending to look at theflowers. They.
-keep -s-lapping each other on the hands, but they'try to do it
so people can't see them.
ADAM
I want to lock you in.atiny,
windowless room with just.-my butt.
E
I wish you were.a hamster so I
could buy you from a pet store and.
then: feed you poison lettuce..
ADAM
1 ,wish I was a hamster, so I could
play dead, and then when you put
your hand .in the cage, I would jutp
up and kill you.
EMMA,
Impossible.
ADAM
Fine,, I'd jump on your face, and I
wouldn't let:go, and your whole'
life people would be-like: "Why do
you have'a hamster on your face?"
Why won't you be my girlfriend?
EMMA
What if-we get-sick of each other
and you get angry because I work
all the time ,and then. I stop
working and then I never do all-the
things I want to do- and-
ADAM
'You think anyone does all- the
things. they want to do, Emma?
EMMA
What if.we have kids and then we
hate each otherand-we.have a
'horrible. divorce just like.your
parents?
ADAM.
-Then the kids will start a rock-
band together like Oasis.,'.
}
89.
EMMA
What if I get cancer and you don't
want to take care of'me?
ADAM -
Then-you should hire a hit man to
kill me- '
EMMA
What if I'm never around and.
sometimes. I'm mean to you and we
only have'sex on our anniversary?
ADAM '
We'd take a cruise'to spice up our
love life!
EMMA
I don't want to take.a cruise to
spice up our love-' life !
ADAM
We'd go to. couples therapy-
EMMA
What if you have-an.-affair with our
couples therapist?
ADAM
We'll go to a couples therapist
with female facial hair.
EMMA
What if you have an of fair with a
model?
ADAM
You'd, be proud of me !
EMM&
-You're right, I would--
- ADAM'
And I'd just have sex with the
model a couple times and then I'd
buy you a diamond necklace and
apologize.,
EMMA
I don't want a-diamond necklace
because you slept with a model!
Emma pushes him, he falls into some'flowers.
' 90.
ADAM
.I'11 never give you a diamond
necklace!
Emma' jumps in the flowers frith him.
ENMA
I want a diamond ziecklacei
ADAM
I'll give-you one every day l
They grab each other and start making out. They pull aWay
from each other and keep pushing-each other::
EMMA
I want to microwave your dick-
ADAM
I want to tit-fight, that means I
want to punch you in the tits a
lot.
They start Making' out again..
A guard comes over and grabs them one'on each of his arms.
A' father, holding his Toddler. daughter, watches then.
FATHER
(whispered-to the girl)
Please don't grow up.
INT. ADAM'S CAR- DAY- LATER
Adam drives' Emma in silence. Van Morrison's "Have' I -;Told you ,
Lately That I love you?". They're both miserable.''.
.INT. ADAM'S CAR- EVENING- LATER'
Outside the hospital. They sit in the car.
EMMA
(A BEAT)
I cna't. I told you in the
beginning. It's not who I-am..
ADAM
(A BEAT)
I don't think I should see you
AGAIN
91.
EMMA
I know.
ADAM
Because I can't keep doing this.
EMMA
I know,. I get it.
ADAM
You do?
EMMA
Yeah. So. Good-bye.
Emma gets out of the car.'
ADAM
I'm really not going to see-you
again.
ENEMA
I know.'. I think'that's probably
smart. Good-bye..-
ADAM
Yeah. Bye. See ya! Not! Not gonna
see ya..
Emma leaves, shuts the car door. She walks into the hospital,
upset, trying to keep it together.
INT. UCLA'TEACHING HOSPITAL- CONTINUOUS
Emma walks up to the elevators. She'stands with some nurses.
on her face--What just happened? What 'did .I just do?
ADAM
I'm really not going to see you
again.
Emma looks- up- Adam is standing' across the room, by the
doors. The nurses look at her, confused.
EMMA
I I know .
ADAM
Seriously. No more. Not going to
happen.
92.
EMMA'
I know.
ADAM
Good-bye.
They, look at each other- waiting for something. to happen.. . The
elevator dings. She gets on. He watches her get on-
INT. UCLA TEACHING-HOSPITAL- ELEVATOR- CONTINUOUS.
Emma. stands on the elevator, -almost at the point of breaking
down.
EMMA
Shit.
BACK TO ADAM:'
ADAM
Fine, great.
Adam walks'through.the hospital doors, back to his car.;
E(T. OUTSIDE UCLA.TEACHING HOSPITAL- CONTINUOUS
Adam pulls open the car door,. grabs the bouquet of flowers.
He gives them to a couple heading into the hospital.
ADAM - ' -
Give these to the sick people-.
They take the flowers, Adam gets back-in his car, slams his
door shut, drives-off, as we hear "Your Body is a Wonderland"
blasting from the date mix.
'INT. CLUB- NIGHT
Days later. Eli, Scottie, and Adair at a club. Adam's wasted
and dancing with some girl'.
ADAM
Yeah, yeah, we're bumping and we're
grindih'- we're in. da club-
AAAARGGH--
SOME GIRL
'What?
I
93.
EXT. CLUB- LATER
Adam is - making -out with the girl . against of his car. They're
both wasted.,
ADAM
Let's get out of here.
SOME GIRL
I'm not.looking for a relationship-
ADAM
Me neither!' That's so funny,
neither one of us wants to mean.
anything t o other one- we just want
to hook up! Like fish! Like a fish
-hook!
(puts his finger 'in his
mouth like a fish, hook)
Oo, sex doesn't mean-.anything,
aaagh, I.'m a fish! Look at me, I
like sex and I'm a fish.
SOME GIRL
(WEIRDED OUT)
Hey,.I think:1 left my purse in
there.
ADAM .
No, where are you going? Let's hook
up and not give a fuck about each
other! I want that tool.I'don't
care about you at all! Where are
you going?
She's gone. He'puts-his head against his. car. Another girl
walks by.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Hey, hey, buy me a shot.
:INT. 'CLUB- NIGHT'
Adam is drunkenly making out with agirl. Scottie and Eli
watch. '
SCOTTIE -
I can't believe it. He's on fire.
ELI
I think what we. have here is an
important life lesson: When you
hate, everyone and you don't give a
shit, a lot of girls want to have
sex with you.
EXT. PARKING LOT- NIGHT
Adam is making out with, another drunk girl.
ADAM
I don't want a relationship right
NOW- -
EXT .. PARKING LOT- NIGHT
Another girl, another night.'
ADAM
1"'m just not very good with
RELATIONSHIPS--
EXT: PARKING LOT-- NIGHT
Some other ho.
.ADAM
I. won't be able to call you,, I'm
getting sent to Guantanamo tomorrow-
EXT,. PARKING LOT- NIGHT
Same deal, Adam stops to throw up- as he throws. up, he farts
at the same time.
ADAM
I just farted right when I threw
up.
The girl is running away.
INT. BEDROOM- MORNING
A girl, sleeping in a bed. Adam sneaking out of the bedr66m.
I
95.
EXT. HOUSE- MORNING
'Adam walks out of a house, quietly closing the door behind
him. It's clearly the 'morning-after.
OVERLAPPED WITH:
ADAM (O.S.)
1. think guys should"make an effort
to be- more polite. Like if you know
you're never going to call her
again, at ' least. send a' Thank You
' Caxd.
INT., GROUNDLINGS STAGE NIGHT
Adam at the mike.-
ADAM
I like'to go the extra mile. If I'm
drunk and pass out-before you cum,
I'll-send you a gift certificate to
Berl, Bath, and Beyond.
People seem to be digging it, Adam is enjoying it. He seems
more comfortable in'his skin.
-INT. AGENT'S OFFICE- DAY
Adam is shaking hands with an agent, it's 'the end of the
meeting.
AGENT
So I got some commercial auditions.
lined up.
ADAM
Great, I'll do anything that makes
any kind of money. Just maybe not
something where I.have to ride a.
horse-and then underneath it says:
Herpes.
AGENT
Got it. Say hi to your Dad for me.
ADAM
You know my Dad?
96."
AGENT
Yeah,' he told me to go see your
show.
.ADAM
Oh. He did?
This comes as a 'surprise- it's not-clear what Adam thinks..
INT. ADAM ' S . CAR- DAY-LATERLATER
Adam hits his head a couple times-on the steering' wheel,., then
picks up his phone.
INT. ALVIN'S KITCHEN- CROSS CUT
Alvin is paying a pot dealer. He counts out money.. The. pot
dealer waits with.an enormous baggie of pot.
ALVIN
ADAM
ADAM
Dad.
ALVIN
.Hey, I wanted to call.to'- . I know
you're probably mad at me,, but--
ADAM
Thank you. Dad. For 'a. lot; of .
things.
Alvin smiles, relieved.
ALVIN
Yeah kiddo, I can do some-things
right.
(TO'DEALER)
is this. an eighth?.
ADAM,
Are you buying drugs.right now?
M. UCLA HOSPITAL- EXAM ROOM- DAY--
X--ray slides up on a lit screen'. Emma, all business,- talks to.
LUCILLE, an older woman patient. - '
97.
EMMA
(ROBOTIC)
As you can see, you have a growth
in your breast. We're going to'do
some more tests to see if it' s
actually cancer.. Do you have any
questions so far?
LUCILLE
(A BEAT)
'Just one.Can you repeat what you
just said once more-like I'm a
human being?
EMMA
Oh. I- um.
LUCILLE
Why don't you just sit. here for a
moment? Just sit with me. And then
try again.
EMMA
T have a lot of-
LUCILLE
Sit down.
Emma sits down, surprised..
LUCILLE (CUNT' D) .
Here_ Take my hand.
Emma takes her hand.
LUCILLE (CONT'D)
Now we're' just going to sit here
for a moment.
EMMA
I'm sorry. I don't what it feels
LIKE-
LUCILLE
it feels like this. -
They just-sit there for a moment.
EXT. UCLA HOSPITAL PARKING LOT- NIGHT
Emma is leaving work.' Dr. Metzner catches up with her,.
DR. METZNER
Hey, I have an hour-
!.
1
EMMA
I don't'.
DR. METZNER
Okay, so what am'I supposed to do?
EMMA
Your wife?
Emma smiles and keeps walking, checking:her voicemail.
ADAM
(ori the vo icemail )
Hey it's Adam, 'l don't know if
you're free tonight-but I have a
show and you're probably-working,
but I just thought 1"d-
Emma hangs. up and starts sprinting to her car.-
INT. . GROUNDLINGS STAGE-- NIGHT- LATER
It's a pretty full house. Adam on stage irita- a microphone .
He's more confident, comfortable in his own skin.
ADAM
(INTO MIKE)
I used to be a fat ki_d. When I was
growing up, I would tell people 1
was in that movie "Honey, I Blew. up
the Kids". Like : 'I'm not actually
fat, I just got 'enlarged by .a
secret' growth. ray.
Emma is in the back row with a proud smile..
XNT. GROUNDLINGS STAGE- NIGHT- LATER
After the show. Emma is looking 'for him in crowds of people.
She sees him, talking to a couple He's different-;
confident. She panics a little, turns and leaves.
Adam looks around, looking for her. He doesn't see her, goes
back.to talking to a girl.
99..
INT. BAR- NIGHT
Weeks later. Emma, dressed up pretty, sits at a bar with a
Mike, he wears a flashy suit.
MIKE
I do international finance,. I put
together financing packages for
overseas ventures. if I had to
describe it in 'a word, that word
would be: Hardcore. So- you're like
a nurse?
EMMA
A doctor. That`s how I know your
grandma. She made 'me sit with her
till I could talk to her. like a
human being. And then she'gave me
your number.
MIKE
Right, I usually don't go out with
people my grandma tells me td go
out with,. but she promised me you
were beautiful. And, you know,. I'm
relieved,- because now I know
Grandma's not going blind.
Emma smiles. Mike puts his hand on hers.
EMMA
Mike.
MIKE
'Yeah.
EMMA
Do you think we could take it slow?
MIKE
Really? Because my Grandma. also
said you looked easy.
E r m a's. surprised.
MIKE (CONT'D) '
I'm kidding., my grandma didn't say
that.
Emma laughs, drinks some beer.
100.
ANGLE-OX- the TV over the bar. There's Adam, happy, swinging
on a swing. Underneathi't says: Chlamydia.
As we hear:
SANRA (O.S.).
Emma!
' INT . LAX- DAY
It's Sandra Franklin, Emma's :mother. jogging down ,the hallway
towards Emma, standing in baggage claim. Emma smiles and
holds. out her'arms. 'They' hug. Sandra covers Emma in kisses.'
EMMA
Mom! Hi!
Sandra takes out ridiculously larger cheesy sunglasses.
SANDRA
I'm in Hollywood!
Emma smiles and looks over her- mom's shoulder to see a man.
coming towards them, big, built-r vacant expression.,
SANDRA (O.S.) (CONT'D)
That's Tuck.
EMMA R
Mom! Who is Tuck?
Tuck has reached them'by now.
TUCK '
Hey, 'I'm Tuck.
SANDRA-
(as Randy Jackson)
"Hollywood baby!"
EMMA.
Don't' do that voice in here, Mom.
SANDRA
(AGAIN)
-Hollywood!"
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD-- DAY -
-They are a11: on a tourbus going ona Celebrity gomes Tour.
The guide is speaking Spanish. Emma's. on the .phone.
101.
EMMA
I'm sorry, Mike, I can''.t hear you-
I'm on a Celebrities Homes Tour.
(covering her phone)-
Mazri, this is in Spanish.
SANDRA
It - doesn't matter, wecan still
figure out where they, live.
GUIDE
. Spanish--Spanish-Spanish--Harrisonl
FORD SPANISH--SPANISH
SANDRA
See? I love Harrison. Ford.
MIRE (0.5.)
You should come hang out tnight--
TUCK
You love Harrison Ford more than
me?
SANDRA
(kisses him on the cheek)
No, of course not-
TUCK
Yeah, you better not,
Emma is disgusted.
MIKE (O.S.)
'I
want you to meet some of my
friends. They're all bringing their
GIRLFRIENDS--
EMMA
(UNCOMFORTABLE)
You want Me to meet your friends?
GUIDE
SPANISH-SPANISH-SPANISH--DENZEL
Washington, Justin Timberlake---
SANDRA
(whispered, confused)
Oh! Do they live-together?
102.
EXT. VENICE BEACH- DAY.
Emma and Sandra walk ahead. Tuck walks'behind. The' sidewalks.
are filled with freaks-- performance-artists; tattoo artists,-
drunks, teenagers, beggars, skate-boarders,.
SANDRA.
I don't think this is fun as
Universal" Studios.- - '
EMMA
I'm sorry, I only have one day off,
T .Wanted-to take you to the places.
.1' love . Mom.,.can. we talk about-
An artist sits on a stool. surrounded by caricatures'.
SANDRA
Hey, let-'.s get. h.im to draw. your
picture,
EMMA'
No!
SANDRA'
Come on. How much?
ARTIST
For 'a pretty lady, 15 bucks.
SANDRA -
Is that a discount?-
- EMMA -
Mom, it's okay, I got it--
Emma sits down. The artist starts to draw:
-EMMA (CONT'D)
What are-you doing with Tuck?
SANDRA
What do you.mean? I like him. He
takes care of me.
EMMA
Why do you need to be taken care -
of, Mom? why can't you take care of
yourself? '
103.
SANDRA.
I canrt, Emma, it's not who Iam. I
did a lot of drugs and I went to a
lot,. of protests so you could 'have -
everything the boys have. Good for,
YOU. But this is my. life, and this
is how it turned out. I never
thought I'd be alone' like this,, I
thought your father was going to be
there.
EMMA
Thank god he wasn't-.
SANDRA
Don't say that3
EMMA
What, Mom? You never, did any of the
things 'you wanted to- do---
SANDRA
I wanted to be there for your
father. and I was. I wanted to raise
you and I"did. Don't tell me that
wasn't important. Now,.I want to be
loved. That's what I want-.
EMMA
By Tuck? '
SANDRA
Why don't you.take some tine 'out of
your schedule-to love someone and
:then come talk to me-
Tuck comes up.
TUCK
Bey, � -co me on, we're going to go
back to the hotel, I don't like, it
.here.' Bunch of freaks.
EMMA
why don't'you stop telling her what
to do, Tuck? Okay? She can do-what
she wants !.- She doesn.'t need, you.
SANDRA.
Yes. I do.
Sandra takes Tuck's arm.
104.
SANDRA' (CONT' D )
We're, going back to"the hotel. Why
don't you call-me when you want to
apologize?
EMMA
Yeah, Mom.. Sounds great.
Sandra and Tack-head back to the car, with their arms 'around
each other.
'The artist hands her the drawing; She looks like a monster,
with.fangs and claws. People are running away from her,,
screaming and scared. -
EMMA. (CONT'D)
(a.beat)
Okay.. Would you possibly.be aware
of some way that I could get
unbelievably high in the next. 5.
minutes?''
INT.. M KE-UP TRAILER- SAME DAY
A make-up artist is putting bloody gore on Adam's head.
There's a logo"for a TV show on the chairs.
ADAM
Sorry- I'm nervous, it's my first.
line on a TV show.
MAKE--UP ARTIST
Oh yeah.? What is it?
ADAM
I say; "Put down the guns
The .make--up artist attaches small chunks of brain down his
face.
MAKE-UP ARTIST
I.guess he doesn't.put down the
gun.
ADAM
No,-it looks like he'.doesn't.
105.
INT. BAR- DAY- LATER
.Mike sits with a bunch of'pr'eppy guys watching .a game on the
TV -over . the bar. Their -preppy girlfriends are talking in a
clump. _ 'Fauna, ' now very stoned, stands with the girls'.
GIRLFRIEND #1
I finally-got the flowers figured,
out, but there's so much dress-
drama. I'm doing-a princess cut but
I don't want all. the poofs-
GIRLFRIEND #2.
Oh I love the poofsL
EMMA
(GIGGLING)
Poofs.
GIRLFRIEND
(IGNORING HER)
I just don't think you can have too
MANY POOFS--
EMMA
(.giggling more)
I poofed in my pant's .
INT. SOUND STAGE- DAY- LATER
Adam is in wardrobe wearing bloody clothes with a massive,
disgusting head wound. He's talking to-a 2 or 3 other guys
with head wounds. They're all. doing ChristopherWalken'
imitations.
A PA walks up to the group.
P. A.
(WHISPERED-)
Your phone - has -been -ringing for the
past half-hour. Do you want to take
it? It's from, uh, "Do Not Call'
Her"?
Adamgrabs the phone.
ADAM
(INTO PHONE)
Emma? -
106.
INT. BAR BATHROOM DAY- CROSS CUT
Emma,. high out of her mind,. curled up in a ball in -the
bathroom.'
EMMA
'Adam. Adam. I'm stoned and
.everyone's talking about weddings.:
ADAM
I'm there.
Adam starts running.
HEAD WOUND GUY _
What's going on?
ADAM
I'm- sorry-- Can 'you tell them I have
AN EMERGENCY-
HEAD WOUND 'GUY .
Dude, you can't go out there like
that!.
Adam's running and can't heat.
ADAM'
(INTO PHONE)
Where are you?
EXT-. HIGHWAY-= DAY
People in a car are looking over at another car,., scared.
ANGLE ON- Adam, still in wardrobe, driving as- fast as he can.
BACK TO THE BAR:
Mike's' got' his-arm around Emma, who is up against a wall,. her
'eyes,darting around- Who are these people?
BOYFRIEND #2
Babe, can you get me some. nuts?.
GIRLFRIEND #2
From the bar?
BOYFRIEND #2
No, deez nuts.
107.
The guys slap hands, everyone laughs, Emma is freaking out.
Suddenly, she looks up, smiles. one of the girlfriends looks
up and screams: -
ANGLE ON- Adam, in a bloody wardrobe with a massive head
wound, standing-in front of the table. They're just staring
at each other grinning.
MIKE
Emma?
' EP91+A,.
- (still staring at Adam)
I'm sorry, Mike, I have to go. 'This
man needs medical assistance.
EXT. BAR- DUSK
Emma and Adam run but of the bar, laughing. They're grabbing
each other,-kissing.
EMMA
Adam Kurtzman.-
ADAM
Emma Franklin.
They kiss some more. People walk by, surprised or confused to
.see someone with a massive head wound kissing someone. A big
scoop of his'brains fall on the sidewalk.
' EXT. VENICE BEACH- SUNSET
Adam -sits next to Emma on the -beach watching a big,
beautiful, 'Venice beach-sunset. There's a drum circle nearby.
EMMA
My mom's. in town,. she's wearing big'
sunglasses and randomly yelling-out
"Hollywood Baby!l"She has -a new
boyfriend. I was meaxi to him.-
ADAM
why?
EMMA
-I don't know.
(A BEAT)
(MORE)
108.
EMMA ' (CONT' D )
After my dad got sick, my mom-would
try to feed, him dinner and he'd
spit up-the food--he'd yell at her.
Herd blame her because he couldn't
swallow.' And she just kept feeding
him.
(A BEAT)
She.told me I don't understand,'
because I've never been in love.
(A BEAT)
But that's-not true. Because I have
been. T am.
ADAM
You hurt me. A lot. A Lot.
EMMA
I know.
(A BEAT)
Am I high or. is the sun setting?
ADAM
No, you're just high.
EMMA
It's beautiful.
(A BEAT)
Come home with me tonight. Adam?.
ADAM
(A :BEAT )
Of course I'm coming home with you,
are you, kidding me? '
They kiss. It's kind of a desperate kiss, like. they're both
trying-to say something they can't say.'
IN . EMMA'' S -BEDROOM- NIGHT- LA`MR '
Emma and Adam are kissing, taking off their clothes. It's
still urgent, desperate.
ADAM
What is it about you?'Why can't I
get enough' of you?
EMMA
I missed you so much-
ADAM
You're gonna kill me--
109.
EMMA
I love you.-And I can't see how I
could'ever love anyone else.
Emma slips her shoes off.-Adam sees her do it, this'is
everything hers always wanted. He kisses her. back. -
This -is a different kind of sex- it's intense, intimate.-I
don't'know how much'of it we see, but they're looking into
each other's eyes, not speaking. it takes them by surprise'.
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- NIGHT- MOMENTS LATER
Emma and Adam, after the-fact. They're both a little freaked
out.
Adam has his hand awkwardly draped over her shoulder. It's
not comfortable for either one of them.
EMMA
That was.
ADAM
Yeah.
EMMA
(A BEAT)
Hey- tomorrow, maybe we should
finally have breakfast?
ADAM
Yeah. That sounds good.
Emma looks happy, closes her eyes. Adam keeps his eyes open,
scared out of his mind.
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- MORNING
Emma wakes up alone- Adam's gone. She doesn't seem. surprised.
EMMA
Yeah.
IT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL-- DAY
Two days later. Emma is looking at her. phone- there are no
messages. Sandra and.Tuck are visiting the hospital.
SANDRA
I thought you might call.
110.
EMMA
I just, I had to. 90 into work,.
Emma looks down the hallway.
ANGLE ON- Dr. Metzner discretely brushing some hair off the
- face-of Connie, the other female resident.. Dr. Metzner sees
her looking at him,
Emma has no reaction.
SANDRA
No, I understand, you're busy. I'm
so proud of you, it's such.a great
big hospital-.
TUCK
We saw Carrot Top.
SANDRA
Oh! I forgot to tell you! We were,
getting a bagelaind he was getting.
a bagel too. And that,' s the. whole
story.
TUCK
Stars- they're just like.us.
EMMA
(looking at her phone
AGAIN)
That's exciting.
SANDRA
Why do you keep looking atyour I
.phone?
Dr. Metzner walks up.
DR. METZNER
You must be Dr. Franklin's Mom.
SANDRA
Oh. Yes, I am. Hello.
DR. METZNER-
How long are you here?
SANDRA'-
'Just, till, tomorrow:
TUCK
We saw Carrot Top.
DR. METZNER
Well, I can't compete râ–ºrith that,
but I can tell.you that we're lucky
to have her here.
(JOKING)
Now get back to work, Emmal
Sandra and- Tuck laugh. ' as . Dr.' Metzner walks . away.
SANDRA
(soft, to Emma)
Who's he?
Emma's.looking at her phone again,-distracted.
EMMA
What?
Sandra looks at Emma, worried- she can tell something's. not
right. -
EXT. HOTEL-.DAY -
The next day. Em'ma'is gutting her mom's bags in the car. Tuck'
honks the horn.
TUCK
(from the car)
Flight leaves in 45 minutes!
SANDRA.
Okay Tuck! Emma-
EMMA
You should go-
SANDRA
Wait. I wanted to say something-
EMMA -
Come on Mom, you don't have to-
SANDRA -
Listen to me. I could never stand
to see you in pain- you're xiiy
child. And I think you -knew thatr
and-I think you got good at- -being
-strong for me. But, Emma, I'm.
telling; you: Be hurt. I can take
it. The world can take it. Don't. be
so strong, you miss the fun.-
EMMA
(after a couple beats)
Okay.
Tuck honks the horn again.
TUCK
(FROM CAR)
We're..not gonna make it.
SANDRA
We'll make it, Tuck.
Sandra rushes into the car.-Ea grabs her
TUCK
(FROM CAR)
You're a nice kid.
EMMA
(GENUINE)
Thanks Tuck.
Emma waves as they pull, out. Watches them go.. Gets out.her .
-phone- punches some-buttons, looking -fora number.
EMMA (CONT'-D.)
Hi,. Scottie? It's Emma. I.know this
is weird, but do you know where I
can find him? .
INT. GROUNDLINGS.STAGE-- NIGHT
Right before Adam's show- Alvin and Vanessa are there' .Ell"
' Scottie, the gay Dads. Adam's behind the mike.
ADAM
(laughing at himself)
Hello Los :Angeles.
Emma, with a hoodie over her scrubs, comes in the back.
ADAM (CONT'D).
Someone told me recently that I
look like Richard Nixon when I Gum.
Adam does a little- imitation of what that looks. like. Emma
smiles, -kind of embarrassed. She looks over and sees Alv n
and Vanessa there too, laughing.-She's surprised'.
;I
113.
ADAM (CONT'D)
And it suddenly became clear why
none of my girlfriends ever wanted
to have sex with me. I thought it
was just because my dick was too
big and it scared them-But
apparently-that's not the problem.
At all. Actually, I've heard it's
like acupuncture- you're- on your
back the whole time and you don't
even feel it go in. That's what my
ex-girlfriend told me before she
started dating my father.
Vanessa and Alvin laugh, Vanessa covers her head with-her
hand.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Actually they're getting married.
So Mother's Day just keeps getting
better and better. (MORE JOKES
ABOUT THE DAD)
INT. GROUNDLINGS STAGE- NIGHT- LATER
After the show. Emma, is trying to find Adam in crowds of
people. She can't find him'. She finds Eli.
SCOTTIE
.Hey: I'm glad you came-.
EMMA
Do you know where he is?
SCOTTIE
I. don't know- back there?
INT. GROUNDLINGS THEATER- BACKSTAGE HALLWAY- CONTINUOUS
Emma walks into a hallway backstage, and sees Adam talking
and laughing with another girl- he leans downaiid.kisses. her.
Emm a turns and runs. Pushes people out of her way.
EXT. GROUNDLINGS PARKING LOT- NIGHT-- CONTINUOUS
Emma is running over to her car. Adam -runs after her.
ADAM
EMMA
i14.
EMMA
it's fine, I just wanted to tell
you Good Job.
ADAM
Come. on.
EMMA
What?
ADAM
I know-I didn't stay,'and I'm sorry=
EMMA
I don't need the apology shit.
ADAM
I don't care if you need It., just
stop for a second. so I can' explain--
EMMA
Explain what?
ADAM
Emma, you can't just call me and
tell me that now everything's
different, now, you love me, now you,
want to be.my girlfriend- after I
spent-months trying to get over you
somehow, trying to tell myselfto
forget-you- you can't just .call me
and, expect me to just come running-
which I did, I know, but I can't
just jump back in, I can't just
start over, all of a sudden.
EMMA
I know.. It doesn't- work that way.. I
. get i.t .
They look at each other, at a loss.
ADAM
Maybe-we just-'I don't know, maybe
we blew it. Maybe ' our.'timing was
JUST WRONG-
EMMA
.Maybe, but maybe that's just the
way. it. happened. Maybe we were just
growing up. But I'm in love with
you.
(MOPJ)
115.
EMMA (CONT'D)
I want to write it on myforehead,
t want to buy a t-shirt that's
says: "I love.Adam Kurtzman" and
wear it around all day long. What
do you want me to do?.
ADAM
I don't know.
E
why did we waste so much time
pretending like we didn't.care?.
ADAM
ENUNA---
EMMA
I want that time back. I want to
break all those rules. I want to
try this. Let's try.
ADAM
(A BEAT)
I don't think I can do'it again.
EMMA.
Yeah. Okay.
ADAM
But we should still, you know, see
EACH OTHER-
.EMMA
Come on. We don't 'have to break up,
we never even started.
(A BEAT)
You're going to be so great.
ADAM
Wait, Emma, I have to go on again-.
A guy comes. out of the club and calls.
MAN
Hey, Adam, get in here-
Adam. runs back to the building.
ADAM
Don't go anywhere, okay
Emma watches h:im - go. She gets in her car, closes the door.
.(into phone)
Are.youstill working? I'll meet
you outside.
EXT. GROUNDLINGS-.: NIGHT
Adamis'sitting on the curb, outside the club. Alvin is
sitting down next-to him.
ADAM!
Is everyone gone?
ALVIN
.Vanessa went home to walk the dog..
We- have: a dog now. She named it
Freckle. I don't know what to do
about that.
(A BEAT)
I might kill it. I don't know yet.,
Only time will tell.
,(a beat)
Hey;-let's pretend I'm a good dad.
and you tell me what the hell's
wrong with you and then I take you.
fishing.
ADAM,
I'm completely in -love with
someone, and I'm brainstorming ways
that I can never see her again
without ruining my life.',
ALVIN
How'd.you get so screwed up?
(A BEAT)
Oh yeah.-I did it.
ADAM
I'm just like you- I'm going to
fuck it all up. Like you. -Like you
gave up on Mom.
ALVIN
(a beat) '
When ' we -first , had you, we hadn't
slept in days, we were just shoving'
food in our mouths over the sink
whenever we could. And finally, I
got it together enough to get. some
take-out from one of the
-restaurants we used to like.
(MORE)
117.
ALVIN (CONT'D)
And I set it all out on,the table,
and the second we sat down, I think
it was the first bite I took, you
started crying. And your Horn and I
looked at each-other-and just
STARTED-LAUGHING- LIKE
uncontrollably laughing., We're on
the floor, we can't breathe.. that
kind of laughing.
(A BEAT)
I'm pretty sure that was the best
of moment of my life'. If, you rre not
Counting anything with a blowjob.
ADAM.
So why'd-you start dicking around?'.
Why'd you leave her?
ALVIN
I don't know. I-think the. simplest
answer is: I'm a jerk. And--the.
other answer is: Because - at -some
point, we forgot how to make each
other laugh.. And if that-sounds
like a bullshit answer, you're
probably right. But if it 'sounds
really deep, then - that-'s, good too.
(A BEAT)
Alto.-just FYI- the first time I
cheated .oft.' your mom, I. was on a lot
of blow. So. if you're married and
you. do blow, try to avoid-being
-around women who wantto_fuck.you.
Even fat women. Blow is-blind,
Adam, blow is blind.
ADAM
{A BEAT)
You're an asshole.
ALVIN
But you're not. Call her.
ADAM
Don't tell me what to do.
(a beat, smiles).
I'm going to. call her.
EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT- NIGHT- LATER
Emma stands in front 'of her car. Her phone is ringing, she
ignoresit, throws it into the car. Dr. Metzner comes out of
.the hospital, looks at her.
118
EMMA
So. Great. Let's do this.
DR. METZNER
Emma.
EMMA,
What. do you have- an hour? A half
an hour?
DR. METZNER
(A BEAT)
You.don't' need me.
EMMA
I know. i
(A BEAT)
So this isn't part of our
arrangement, but do you think you
could hold me?
DR. METZNER
Yeah. I think so.
-He walks up and puts his arm around -her.
EMMA
How does this work--'head on your
shoulder, head on- your .chest?
DR. METZNER
Whatever you feel like.
She puts her head on his shoulder. it's uncomfortable, but it
feels good.
DR. METZNER (CONT'D)
I've got to go soon.
EMMA
(EYES CLOSED)
T know- - -
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM-' NIGHT- LATER -
-Emma is on-the bed with the phone, to her ear.
EMMA
MOM?
119.
EXT. FRANKLIN HOUSE DRIVEWA1 NIGHT- CROSS CUT
Sandra is in the driveway, Tuck is taking the bags out of the
car- it's very late in'Michigan. -
SANDRA'
Are you okay? Honey? We just-got
home.
EMMA
I think I get it, Mom.
Emma starts to cry, hard.
EMMA (CONT'D)
It hurts.
SANDRA
Yeah. It does.
They 'don't-say anything- Sandra sits on the front steps of
the house and just listens on the other end as. Emma cries.
-TNT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- DAY.
The next'day. Adam runs into the door. Waits, for the -
elevator.
INT. UCLA TEACHING HOSPITAL- CONTINUOUS
Adam runs up to-the desk.
ADAM
Emma Franklin--do you know where
she is?
NURSE
I can't-tell you that, and.no.
- ADAM
whatif I start running through the
hospital and taking everyone off -
life support? -
NURSE
(NOT IMPRESSED)
I would call Security, like I'm
doing right.now.
Dr. Metzner is nearby.
- 120.
DR. -METZNER
Hi . Emma didn't come in today..
Adam' s-phone rings. He looks down, picks it up-
ADAM
Where are. you? Are'you at:home?
EMMA (o.S.)
Channel 27.
ADAM
okay, hold an.
EMMA- (C.S. )
Channel 27.'
Adam goes. to the TV in the waiting room, reaches up and-
changes the channel away from "The Price is Right."
NURSE
You can't change the channel-..
Adam gets it on Channel 27- it's Bambi.
ADAM
(INTO PHONE)
Fuck. Bambi. Fuck.
NURSE
What's wrong with Bambi?
Adam runs out of the waiting room, as Dr. Metzner'watches him
go.' There's a little regret in � his .face. Nurse is glued ,to
the TV. - s
NURSE (CONT'D)
Have you ever eaten deer? It's
pretty good.
INT. EMMA'S HALLWAY- DAY
Adam standing outside Emma's door: Knocks. Knocks. He puts
his head on the door.
ADAM
(SOFT)
please..
Emma opens the door. She's been crying for hours. She ldoks
wild, raw, a hurt animal. They stare at each other from;
either side: of the door.
121.
EMMA
My dad.
ADAM
I know.
EMMA.
Bambi.
ADAM
I- know.
EMMA
(after a beat)
if you come in here, you're never
.leaving.
Adam steps inside, takes her-in his arms, she really starts
to sob.
EMMA (CONT'D)
(SOBBING)
He's just.a baby deer.
ADAM
I know, he's a little baby deer.
He just holds her. He starts crying too. They are both
crying.
EMMA
Are you crying?
ADAM
Yeah.
EMMA
why. are you crying?
-ADAM
I don't know.
They hold each other.in the doorway, crying. He hands her the
rubber chicken., she takes it, still crying.
INT. EM'S HOUSE- MOMENTS LATER
They're still standing in the doorway, crying.
ADAM
,Are you good?-
122.
EMMA
i think so.
Emma starts crying again.
EMMA (CONT'D)
I thought I-was done.
ADAM
That's okay, that's.okay..
She holds' onto him. He starts crying again too.
ADAM (CONT'D)
Oh crap.
They hold onto each other, crying ridiculously hard.
ADAM (CONT'D)
What's after Bambi?: I brought.
Schindler's List.
EMMA
I don't know if I can do it.
ADAM
You can do it.
EMMA
'oh god- I can't do it-.
Emma starts kissing him. He kisses her back,
INT. EMMA'S HOUSE- NIGHT- MOMENTS LATER
Clothes, blankets, shoes, socks, a 'rubber , chicken.' On the TV
Screen, grown--up Bambi is .eating a branch. 'Emma and. Adam are
kissing tenderly. The crying has stopped for now.
EMMA
'Do you think we'.re the only people,
.who've' ever fucked 'while watching
Bambi?
ADAM
-Yes. The only ones not in jail.
.She laughs.-He kisses her some more.
123..
ADAM (CONT'D)
You know what I want to doh I want
to buy light bulbs with different
wattage so I.can see you in.every
kind of light.
EMMA
I'm gonna: Make you do push-ups when
yourre old so your-heart stays
healthy.
ADAM
I'm gonna- I'm gonna build you a
log cabin.
EMMA
(SMILING)
I don't want toa log cabin.
ADAM
We're gonna break all those rules.
EMMA
Not the one about calling-me ia the
middle of the day.
ADAM
Not that one. But the one about
peeing, in front of you. I.'m gonna
do that whenever I can.
Emma laughs and cries.
EMMA
I'm so - glad you're alive.
ADAM
Are you glad I'm making this face?
Adam makes a funny face. Emma laughs.
ADAM (CONT'D)
I'm totally, completely, -
ridiculously in love with you-
Adam kisses-down.-her stomach, she laughs, happy, it feels
good... then she turns and sees the'TV screen where'Thumper
thumping his leg.
EMMA
Turn Bambi off- turn Bambi off-
124..
INT. EMMA'S BEDROOM- THE NEXT MORNING.
Like the first scene, we are looking at -them-in bed, from'
above. But this' time, they are asleep, wrapped in each
other's arms. I don't know if it's spooning,:but-it's
something tangled. Light is coming in the window. Adam opens
his eyes-and looks. at the sleeping Emna. He leans his head
'down to hers.
ADAM
Hey.'
EMMA
(still with her eyes
CLOSED)
Hey.
ADAM
(WHISPEREDR TENDER)
What are we going to have for
breakfast?
Emma, still half-asleep, smiles.
EMMA.
Bacon.
ADAM
(WHISPERED)
I'm going to get you so 'much
bacon...
Thankfully,'we don't have to see that. Fade to black-as'we
hear some amazing song, in my head it's "You'Ain't Goin'
-Nowhere. ".
THE END
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