"SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER"
MONTAGE OF VARIOUS SHOTS OF SAN FRANCISCO - DUSK
Over this we hear a recording of Jack Kerouac's poem, San
Francisco which is accompanied by a BE-BOP trio. Kerouac's
poetry coincides with the various shots of San Francisco. We
come to a sign for Jack Kerouac Street. We PAN OVER to "THE
CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE" and continue along to the ALLEYWAY
where there is a large high-contrast black and white sign
depicting Jack Kerouac in his famous "I'm looking into the
distance, having a brilliant thought" pose...
CHARLIE MACKENZIE, in his late twenties, wearing a flannel
shirt and torn jeans, walks INTO THE FRAME, right in front
of the picture of Jack Kerouac and inadvertently strikes the
exact same pose. We PULL BACK to reveal that Charlie has a
bag of garbage in his right hand, which he deposits in the
alleyway. We FOLLOW Charlie into...
INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE
We FOLLOW him through the store. By day he is the Assistant
Manager, by night he is a poet.
A MAN in his fifties, wearing a beret and a goatee is reading,
Charles Bukowski's, Playing The Piano Like a Percussive
Instrument, Until Your Fingers Begin To Bleed A Bit.
Charlie takes his place behind the cash register and resumes
writing in his handsome leather-bound poetry journal.
YOUR SUCKLED TEET OF SHAME
Do you have the book On The Road by
Every day there is a steady stream of tourists who come in
to get copies of On The Road. Charlie is use to this and
without looking up he points to a huge, well marked display
of thousands of copies of On The Road. Another TOURIST COUPLE
Do you have a copy of On The Road by
Again not looking up, Charlie just points.
EXT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - NIGHT
Charlie puts the "CLOSED" sign on the door and proceeds to
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS
The sights and the sounds of the city are accentuated by the
BEBOP as he sees life, warts and all. As the streets become
less populated, he can now hear the sounds of his own
FOOTSTEPS and, a COUPLE BICKERING. The streets become even
more deserted. The night is closing in on him. A cat darts
out from an alleyway and startles him. He quickens his pace.
RUMBLINGS make him cross the street to avoid the danger.
Headlights of a slow moving car approach from the distance.
Charlie, frightened, turns another corner onto:
He approaches a 3-story Victorian home, in which he has an
apartment on the second floor, he notices a light on in his
window. A CRASHING sound from within.
taking papers out of a desk drawer.
carefully opening the front door and then gingerly closing
it. He reaches for a baseball bat in a nearby umbrella stand.
Sound of BREAKING GLASS from his apartment upstairs.
CUT BACK TO:
SHATTERED PICTURE FRAME
with a photo of Charlie and an angelic blonde.
CUT BACK TO:
finishing off the last two steps nearing the front door of
his apartment, bat raised above his head ready to swing.
clasp a jewelry box on the top of the dresser and stuff them
into a dufflebag; the jewelry is followed by CD's.
pushing open his apartment door in a mock SWAT maneuver,
then stealthily stalking toward the sound of the intruder in
the bedroom. He stubs his toe on a spring loaded doorstop
making a loud metal VITTSWINGGGG's sound. He freezes,
where the HANDS, freeze.
CUT BACK TO:
Like a coiled jungle cat ready to pounce, waits two beats...
then springs Samurai style into...
REVERSE ANGLE TO REVEAL
that the HANDS belong to the angelic blonde in the broken
picture. It's Charlie's girlfriend, SHERRI.
Sherri! What are you doing?
I'm leaving you.
Oh, thank God... I thought you were
robbing our own home, because frankly,
that's insane. I mean, what could
you possibly gain by robbing your
own home? I don't mean to meddle,
but isn't it better to rob other
peoples' homes? Start accumulating
their wealth as opposed to just
reaccumulating your own wealth.
That's not funny, Charlie. I'm really
She continues to pack. Charlie tries to unpack her things.
What?! Just because we had a fight
We've had a fight every night for
two months. Ever since I brought up
the subject of marriage, you've found
fault with everything I do. Why
couldn't we have gotten married,
I'm too young to get married.
(begins putting her
I'm only twenty-nine and a half. We
love living together.
It's been two years now. I need
See, Sherri, this is frustrating for
me, okay. When we first started going
out I thought we agreed that we
weren't the sort of people who got
That's like saying we're not the
sort of people who are going to grow
old. We're not going to fall into
that "growing old" trap. Face it,
you've got a problem with commitment,
Charlie. Take a look at your other
girlfriends. Every time you get close
to a commitment there's something
wrong with them.
Hey, I broke up with them for good
What about Sandy?
Sandy was an alcoholic.
No-no-no. You thought she was an
alcoholic. She just drank more than
you drank. What about Jill?
She hated my family.
You thought she hated your family.
Nobody hates your family. Everybody
loves your family. What about Julie?
She smelled like soup.
What does that mean?
She smelled exactly like Campbell's
Beef Vegetable soup. She was dirty,
Well, Charlie, I wonder what you're
gonna say were my problems? Are you
gonna tell your friends that I was a
junkie, that I wasn't supportive
enough or that I smelled like relish?
Charlie, I loved you. It could have
(she goes to the door)
Think about it.
ANGLE ON - THE BROKEN PICTURE
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - CHARLIE'S CAR - DUSK
Charlie and his best friend, TONY SPILETTI, are out for a
night on the town.
Tony is second generation Italian-American with very
Mediterranean features. They're listening to Teenage Fan
Club. They pass Ghierardeli Square.
Tony, Teenage Fan Club, they're
Scottish you know?
I had that dream again.
Oh, is that the one where you suspect
that a fat man in a diaper, on a
lazy susan has interfered with your
plans for the evening?
No, but I have had that one. No, in
this one I'm in love...
And I say to myself, 'I've finally
found somebody that I'm truly
comfortable with.' You know when
you're so comfortable that you'll
let them put makeup on you to see
what you would look like if you were
a girl. Anyways you know what I do
in the dream next?
(after a pause)
No. I die.
But Charlie, you're a normal suburban
guy at heart, from a normal suburban
family. Didn't you tell me you always
wanted to get married and have a
Yes, but, I'm afraid, okay? There
are seven main rites of passage in a
man's life. Birth, first day of
school, last day of school. Marriage.
Kids. Retirement. Death. I'm at
marriage. I'm two rites of passage
away from death.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
Tony is doing three-sixties, scoping out beauties, when
suddenly his roving eyes lock on a police car directly behind
them. He slouches down into his seat.
Christ. It's the cops.
Tony, you are a cop.
I know. Isn't it awful? I work with
those guys. They're assholes.
The police car passes.
INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT
Tony and Charlie enter. There is a poet on stage. The club
is full of art tarts and college bohemians. They are greeted
by the club's owner, GIUSEPPI, an Italian man in his fifties.
Salve zio mio.
Allora? Che catzo fai, Charlie?
Hi, Uncle Giuseppi.
Tony, come' stai bello il tuo pappa
e' in galera per la terza volta.
Tony's uncle shows them to a table.
I'll have the waitress bring you
What did your uncle say?
He says my Dad's back in jail again.
Ah, I'm sorry, man.
You know, it's funny I don't even
feel related to my parents anymore.
I feel like your mom and dad are
more like my parents. I feel more
Scottish than Italian.
Tony Spiletti, I don't think you
could get more Italian than that.
Unless of course your name was Tony
Charlie checks out the girls in the coffee bar.
I'm so bummed. Sherri was great,
wasn't she? I'm an asshole, aren't
You've got to help me get through
You've just got to get back on the
The waitress arrives with two cappuccinos in extremely large
cups like they have in France.
Waitress, I'm sorry, there seems to
be a mistake. I ordered the large
Two girls at a nearby table, laugh. Charlie and Tony exchange,
"This could be promising." looks.
(to the girls)
Do you think these cups could be
larger? They're practically bowls.
The girls laugh again.
I feel like I'm having Campbell's
Join us in a cup of coffee? There's
The girls come over.
My name's Susan and this is June. We
think you're funny.
My name's Tony. This is my friend
Look, Tony, I'm going home. See you
Tony grabs him and pulls him aside.
You really don't understand, do you?
When a girl comes over to your table
and says, 'I think you're funny.' It
means you've pretty much been given
the keys to the city. Charlie, this
Perhaps you've confused me with
someone who gives a shit. Here's
what's gonna happen, Tony. We'll end
up going out with them tonight, maybe
even home with them. Well go out for
two months. Soon she'll move in,
we'll be happy, She'll want more of
a commitment. I'll be terrified and
I'll do something to ruin it. Just
like I did with Sherri.
He leaves. Tony is left with the two girls.
Poor, guy... He seemed so nice.
(talking, choked up)
I just broke up with somebody as
well. She left me high and dry.
The girls try to comfort him.
INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT
Three quarters of the furnishings and items have disappeared
with Sherri. Charlie sits dejectedly on the floor over his
Poetry Journal. He is missing Sherri. We see...
He looks out and is struck by an idea and begins to write.
ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL
I AM LONELY
Again he looks out, finds his inspiration and continues to
IN THE JOURNAL
IT'S REALLY HARD
A gentle tear rolls down his left cheek. He pauses, then
finishes off the stanza.
IN THE JOURNAL
THIS POEM SUCKS
After the last line he scratches out the entire poem. He
closes the book and turns on the TV set to CNN to veg out.
The show is "What's Cooking! With Burt Wolf."
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET
Charlie is driving in his car. He drives slowly looking for
an address. Finds it, slips in to a parking spot in front.
EXT. BUTCHER'S SHOP - MEATS OF THE WORLD
Adorning the front are a "GRAND OPENING" sign and miniature
flags of the world. Charlie goes inside.
INT. BUTCHER'S SHOP
It's a small, hip shop selling specialty meats from around
the world. Charlie looks around. Suddenly, an attractive
woman in her late twenties, wearing a blood-stained smock
enters. It is HARRIET MICHAELS. She has a cleaver in one
hand and something bloody in the other.
(conscious of Charlie's
presence; holding up
But I got him!
(backing out the door;
I've come at a bad time.
No, no, really... Obviously you've
got things you have to do. You've
got to dismember the rest of his
bloody torso. Dig a makeshift shallow
grave. Cover the body with quick
lime. Really so much to do, so little
time and I'm only in the way here,
I'm just gonna go. Good luck.
(referring to meat in
Oh, this! Oh, no, this is what he
stole. This isn't a piece of him or
anything. This is Icelandic Shank.
I bet it goes well with a nice
Can I help you?
Yes. Do you have haggis?
Yes, we do. It's over here in our
Scottish Cuts section. One?
This is a section under glass flying a Scottish flag, with
haggis and various cuts of Scottish meat.
Yes! I've never been able to find
haggis anywhere, except at my parents'
house. They're Scottish.
Harriet rounds the counter and wraps up the haggis. Behind
her is the large "PRUSSIAN VENISON" sign.
(ringing up his order)
That'll be fifteen, seventy-nine.
Will there be anything else?
Yes. I know it's a long shot, but
you wouldn't by any chance happen to
have any Prussian Venison?
Now where in the world would I get
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET
Charlie is driving along listening to Kerouac. We absorb the
flavor of San Francisco as he drives down Lombard Street.
EXT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
An old crappie apartment building in San Francisco. Charlie's
car pulls up. We hear "SATURDAY NIGHT" by the Bay City
INT. OUTER HALLWAY OF CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT - NIGHT
Charlie approaches a door.
Mom, Dad, I'm here.
We're in here, son.
The apartment is a shrine to Scotland. Scottish paraphernalia,
miniature Scotty dogs, shortbread tins and, on wall, framed
pictures depict famous Scotsmen, Sean Connery, Jackie Stewart,
Alexander Graham Bell, James Doohan (Scottie from "Star
Trek"), Sheena Easton, Billy Connolly.
CHARLIE'S POV - AS WE ENTER THE LIVING ROOM
We see STUART, MAY, TONY, and little WILLIAM, Charlie's
fourteen year old little brother all singing:
Come give your old man a kiss or
I'll kick your teeth in.
The group are eating dinner on TV trays. Charlie walks over
and turns off the record.
Charlie, put on Charlie Pride, would
ya? Oh, I love Charlie Pride.
(begins singing; in
thick Scottish accent)
HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD...
May, shut it.
STUART MACKENZIE is in his late fifties, a butcher, with
Coke bottle glasses and thick head of black hair. His red-
haired wife, MAY, is in her fifties, attractive with a soft,
but tough appearance. Little WILLIAM, has a very large head
and a skinny neck. Like Charlie, he was born in America.
Charlie gives his Mom a hug, his father a kiss.
(on his stomach on
the floor; watching
SCORES! MAGIC GOAL!
On the television, Stuart's team, Glasgow Celtic, has scored.
Aye -- magic.
Let's have a look at the re-play.
William, move your head. Look at the
size of that ooy's heed. I'm not
kidding. It's like an orange on a
Stuart, you're going to give the boy
I'm not kidding. That's a huge
noggin'. It has it's own weather
system. It's a virtual planetoid.
(shouting to William)
We see the re-play of the goal on TV. Tony sits down and May
brings over a plate of stew and three types of potatoes,
piled very high.
Is that enough potatoes, Charlie?
Enough to recreate Devil's Tower in
(sniffs the air)
Do I smell haggis?
Aye, you do.
I'll put it in the frig.
Charlie notices Tony reading some papers. He realizes it's
literature from the Lyndon H. LaRouche Society.
Dad, what are you doing to Tony now?
Why do you abuse his mind like this?
That's the latest report from Lyndon
H. LaRouche, outlining how the Queen
and the Rothschilds masterminded the
Soviet overthrow, so that they could
reclaim lands they had annexed during
the Holy Roman Empire.
You know a lot of this makes sense.
I think you're suffering from the
Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostages
start to relate to their captors.
Listen, Sonny Jim, it's a known fact
there's a society of the five
wealthiest people in the world, called
the Pentaverate, who run everything
and meet three times a year at a
secret country mansion in Colorado,
known as "The Meadows."
And that's obviously why we haven't
heard about it in the newspapers.
That's right. They fuckin' own the
papers, smartass. And everything
else. Why do you think Scotland's
not been able to get independence?
Because the Queen the Pentavirate
and those English dome heads in West
Minster won't have it.
Who are the other members of this
The Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys,
the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders
before he went tits up. Oh, I hated
the Colonel with his wee beady eyes.
And that smug look on his face.
Dad how can you hate "the Colonel?"
Because the Colonel puts an addictive
chemical in it that makes you crave
Would anyone like a juice? Charlie,
did I tell you, we bought a Juice
A Juice Tiger?
Aye, it's a juicer. It's part of my
National Enquirer, Garth Brooks diet.
Would you like potato juice?
Thank you, no.
Yeah, uh, Sherri and I broke up.
Oh, you didn't. Sherri was the
daughter your father was never able
to give me.
I'm just not ready for marriage. I'm
twenty-nine and my poems haven't
even been published yet.
But it's not just the poetry is it
son? You're afraid if you get married
you'll lose your muse. Look at me, I
was a strapping young butcher, at
the height of my creative powers.
When it came to de-boning a side of
beef, there was nobody that could
touch me. Then I married your mother.
And people would still stand in awe
as I filleted a shoulder of lamb.
Maybe it's just as well not to get
married, look at the news. Where did
I put it?
Heed. Move that melon of yours into
the bathroom and get the paper for
William gets the National Enquirer and brings it back.
That's not news, Dad. That's bullshit.
I wouldn't wipe my ass with that
What are you talking about? It's the
fifth highest circulating paper in
the United States, I'll have you
Oh, here it is. Mrs. X. The Honeymoon
Murderer. She marries men under fake
identities, and then murders them.
She killed some German martial arts
expert, and some plumber named Ralph
Elliot. Her whereabouts are unknown.
There's another goal on the TV set.
Scores! Two nil. Magic!
Ah, beautiful goal. We HOLD on the
Time passes. The TV set
TO THE END OF THE GAME
The two teams are shaking hands. And the final scores chyron
shows Celtic beating Rangers three nothing. We see Charlie
and Tony are leaving. Stuart is blind drunk.
(singing Rod Stewart's
YOU'RE IN MY EYES, YOU'RE IN MY
YOU'RE CELTIC, UNITED
AND BABY I'VE DECIDED...
Ah, you're steaming.
She meets Charlie and Tony at the door and kisses him good-
bye. She turns to kiss Tony, and holds on the kiss far too
See you later, Mrs. MacKenzie.
Oh, you've turned into a sexy Italian
See you later, mom.
See you later, Dad.
Fine. Go! You've stayed your hour.
Charlie and Tony leave and enter...
where they find William sitting on the stairs waiting for
Take me with you.
EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD - LATE AFTERNOON
Charlie's drives by and notices Harriet, who's unwinding the
store awning in Dutch national costume. The banner announces
"DUTCH WEEK." "MEATS OF THE WORLD SALUTES DUTCH MEAT."
Charlie slows down to look at her. She looks great in her
little Dutch costume.
INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY
Charlie is again writing at the counter. Another PERSON
Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to
Charlie again points to the Kerouac section without looking
ON THE PAD
OH MEAT MAID,
IF THE CATTLE HAD HAD A CHOICE, THEY WOULD HAVE SLAUGHTERED
FOR A CHANCE
TO BE TOUCHED
BY YOUR FINGERS
She's on his mind.
EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD
Charlie's car pulls up. The sign reads, "WELSH WEEK" "MEATS
OF THE WORLD SALUTES WELSH MEATS"
INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD
The store is very busy. There is a line at the meat counter
seven people deep. Charlie takes his place at the end of the
We see a montage of a persons hands chopping a rack of lamb
into lamb chops, and carving meat with surgical efficiency.
(spotting Charlie in
Oh, hi haggis, right?
It was a big hit.
(finishing up with a
I remember you told me you were
Scottish, but do you really like
No. I think it's repellent in every
way. In fact, I think most Scottish
cuisine is based on a dare.
(to the next customer)
Can I help you?
Sorry, I'm really busy.
Look, um, my dad's a butcher, do you
need a hand?
Well, actually, Yes.
Charlie puts on a very stylish butcher smock and crosses
behind the counter.
Can you get me four Belgian
porterhouses? Do you know what a
porterhouse looks like?
I'm meat literate.
Time passes we see a montage of Harriet and Charlie serving
customers. Ending on a customer's POV of Charlie.
Yes, do you have any fresh blubber?
You want blubber, right?
We see Charlie's POV of an Eskimo with a "lower forty-eighth"
My parents are coming to town. You
know how parents are. They'll drive
The Eskimo exits, there are no customers left.
Look, I'm really grateful. Can I
offer you some meat as payment?
Please, help yourself to some meat.
I'm trying to be a vegetarian.
Trying to be a vegetarian?
Yeah, the problem is I really love
I think the meat industry invented
hot-dogs to stop people from becoming
vegetarians. There's got to be
something I can do to repay you.
You could take me to a nice romantic
EXT. PIER - NIGHT
Charlie and Harriet are eating hot-dogs. As Charlie puts the
relish on, he smells the relish.
(sniffing the relish)
This reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.
I hate talking about old
Then let's not and say we did.
That was easy -- What a nice guy.
You've probably never done a mean
thing in your life.
You'd be surprised.
I'd like to hear.
(to his confused look)
Name me something bad you've done in
Are you kidding me?
No. Did you ever steal anything? You
ever hit someone?
Well, I've been in fights. Let me
(as Charlie thinks)
Not one bad thing, Charlie?
Tell me something bad you've done.
And it better be bad. I mean, evil.
Like how many people have you brutally
"Brutal" is such a subjective word.
I mean, what's brutal to one person
might be totally reasonable to
Next to them is a German couple, speaking German, looking
through a coin-operated binocular. He says something which
causes her to cry.
This just reminded her of that scene
in "Brian's Song".
Actually, he just proposed to her.
Those are tears of joy.
She lifts her soda to toast them.
The man and woman smile and nod.
You're very smart. It's a shame I'm
going to have to destroy you.
Do bright women intimidate you?
No, not at all.
Really, what do you look for in women
Well, I know everyone always say
"sense of humor", but I'd have to go
with breast size.
How about you? In a guy.
Income of course, and then...
He smiles at her.
Me likey how you thinkey.
INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
The lights turn on, and then they enter a very bohemian
apartment. There is artists paraphernalia strewn around. A
small bar separates the living area from the kitchen. She
smiles and walks off into the kitchen.
I'll make us some tea.
He checks out her apartment. On the wall there is a huge
poster of the BOARDWALK IN ATLANTIC CITY.
Hey, you know what this apartment
needs? A really large oversized poster
of Atlantic City.
I used to live there. That's where I
had my first supermarket job.
On his way out, he peeks into the bedroom, where he finds a
bed that is facing neither parallel nor perpendicular with
the wall. It is just kind of "there".
(coming into room)
I only have chamomile. I hope that's
He looks at her and then at the "Oddly-placed" bed.
(to his confused look)
For health reasons. See... I had
this friend, he was a martial arts
expert. Anyways, he used to sleep
North-South. I don't know... It's a
martial arts thing and it just sort
of became a habit with me.
(walking into living
You know Scotland has it's own martial
arts. It's called FUCKU. It's mostly
head butting and kicking people when
they're on the ground.
Harriet starts laughing. Then so does Charlie. They lean
into each other. Pretty close. Too close even, and when it
seems like they're going to kiss, Charlie suddenly gets
uncomfortable and looks at his watch.
No. No. Not for me.
Who for then?
Who for then what?
Well, you looked at your watch and
said it wasn't late for you... I
wondered who it was late for.
Not me. No, Sir. Not here.
(after a pause;
Maybe it is late.
She gets him his coat. He starts to leave.
Look, the truth is, yes, I had a
great time, and I'd like to kiss
you, but if we do kiss, then we'll
kiss on the couch and if we kiss on
the couch, then we'll kiss in the
bedroom, and once you're in the
bedroom -- Well, the thing is, I
always rush it. And this time I feel
like maybe I should wait. Maybe we
should let it build naturally and
grow, instead of just immediately
spending the night together.
I want to spend the night together.
I have no problem with that.
THE BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
They are both fast asleep. She is curled up in his arms.
Suddenly, she begins to speak.
Charlie's eyes open. He smiles.
Yes Ralph. I will. Ralph.
Charlie's smile fades. He sits up and looks at her. She is
lying completely still on the bed, her eyes closed, and still
Now now Ralph!
(as her eyes open)
You were having a dream, or...? You
kept saying the name Ralph.
Ralph. I heard you say it.
That's odd. Just today I was thinking
about, her. She's a friend.
(starting to leave)
Is she nice --? Ralph...
Yeah. She's great.
INT. HARRIET'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Charlie is sleeping alone in the bed, and the sound of RUNNING
WATER is heard off in the distance. His eyes slowly open, he
looks around, remembers where he is. He puts on his shorts
and walks towards the bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM - MORNING
Through the steam we can just make out Harriet in the shower
washing her hair. Charlie walks over.
You know... with this drought in
California total strangers are urged
to shower together.
He opens the curtain. It's not Harriet. The woman, ROSE,
calmly looks at him and closes the curtain.
Oh God. I'm sorry. Jesus. Excuse me.
He backs out of the room.
INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT
The door opens and a hurriedly dressed Charlie emerges. Before
he gets to the door he once again encounters Rose. She's
completely dressed. Even her hair is dry.
Hi. I'm really sorry. I must have
scared the... I'm Harriet's friend,
Charlie, and you must be...
I'm Harriet's sister, Rose. And this
is Harriet's note.
He reaches for it, but she reads it aloud to him.
'Dear Charlie, I didn't want to wake
you, make yourself at home, thanks
for making me smile.' Harriet.
That's a very nice note.
I'll make you some breakfast.
Gee, I'd love to but I'm running
What would you say to blueberry
pancakes, bacon, fresh squeezed grape
juice and Kona coffee?
INT. KITCHEN - LATER
Charlie and Rose sit at the table each eating a bowl of dry
I'm sorry I didn't have any of those
Hey, that stuff'll kill you while
Fruit Loops are light and probably
reasonably high in Fiber. I like
Apple Jacks too.
So this is your apartment?
Rose starts sketching Charlie.
Yes. She's been here the past three
months... ever since she came back
from Miami. I used to visit her
occasionally. She didn't speak of
(shakes his head, no)
She told me about a martial arts guy
and there was some discussion about
She spoke of them...?
She spoke of the martial arts guy
and screamed about Ralph...
Well, you know Harriet.
Actually, I really don't.
But you did have sex with her?
Yet you still don't know her.
See, that's the problem with sex.
It's not very revealing.
My, look at the time.
He stands up.
(after a pause)
You should be careful, Charlie.
I am... usually. I just... You should
know, this is very unusual that I
would do this so soon, in this day
and age particularly, but... We just
really hit it off. We did. And...
I'm gonna go now. I won't tell Harriet
that anything happened.
But... nothing did happen.
Exactly. Or she would be jealous.
And when she gets jealous, we both
know what she's capable of.
No, we don't. You do, like I said, I
just met her.
You'll be okay, Charlie. Just be
She leaves. Charlie is baffled.
INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY
As Charlie walks by, FRED, a lanky customer in his late teens
is buying a book.
Hey, Charlie. How you doin'?
Good. Good. Look, Fred...
You got a lot of girlfriends, right?
You know any girls named Ralph?
Ralph? Gee, Charlie. Isn't that a
Well, not necessarily, but... Never
mind. Thanks, Fred.
Charlie catches the store manager, PENNY, on her way into
Hey Penny, I wanted to ask you --
you know some girls named Ralph,
right? I mean, that's a girl's name
also, isn't it?
I don't think so, Charlie... Uh...
Forget it. Thanks.
She walks into her office totally confused.
EXT. DOCKSIDE - ALCATRAZ TOUR KIOSK - MAINLAND - DAY
Tony and Charlie are waiting in line.
AERIAL VIEW OF BOAT
as they travel to the island.
You know I've lived in this city all
my life and I've never been to
We open on the LOUD BANGING of a CELL DOOR. We find our tour
group in the holding area. The PARK RANGER is a beefy man in
his late fifties and talks with emotionless, military
Hello, everyone I'm a park ranger
and I will be leading you on the
tour. All the park rangers here at
Alcatraz were at one time guards,
myself included. My name is John
Johnson, but everyone here calls me
Vicki. Will you please follow me?
They are led out. We see that Alcatraz is a sinister place.
Cold and unforgiving. The Park Ranger leads them to the center
of a cell block.
You're glowing, Charlie. The man's
Sssh... Stop it. I'm trying to listen.
This is the main cell block area.
Home to such famous criminals as Al
Capone, Micky Cohen, Joseph "Dutch"
Critzer, and Robert Stroud, the famous
Bird Man of Alcatraz. Follow me,
The Park Ranger leads them past the famous visiting rooms,
the mess hall, all the way to the solitary confinement area.
This is the cell for solitary
confinement, that over the years has
come to be known as Times Square.
Tony and Charlie are at the back of the tour group.
So did you and Harriet?... you know...
Sssh I don't want to talk about it.
With that look, you don't have to
talk about it. The grin alone could
get you five to seven years.
Tony, get your mind out of the gutter.
All you need to know is that she's a
sweet, kind and loving person.
Now this is something none of the
other tour guides will tell you. In
this particular cell block Machine
Gunn Kelly had, what we call in the
prison system, a "bitch." And one
day, in a jealous rage, Kelly took a
makeshift knife, or "shiv," and cut
out his "bitch's" eyes.
Look, what can I tell you. I'm
smitten. I'm in deep smit. I dunno.
I just don't wanna talk about it,
because then I start analyzing and
that's not good for me.
Good. I think that's good. Just let
Exactly. That's what's gonna be
different this time. Something strange
happens, let it go. It's not my
business... Like Ralph. She says
Ralph in her sleep.
I don't know who Ralph is. Moreover,
I don't want to know.
And as if blinding his "bitch" wasn't
enough retribution for Kelly, the
next day he and four other inmates
took turns pissing into the "bitch's"
Tony and Charlie look at each other. They're a little queasy.
Tony, I'm happy. Don't let me screw
this one up.
INT. EL TORO - IN THE MISSION - DAY
They are eating Bay burrites.
Did you have a nice date last night?
Rose, I don't really --
He disturbed me while I was naked in
the shower this morning.
Yeah, he stayed over?
I didn't mind. Charlie and I laughed
about it over breakfast.
He said you had great sex last night.
He seems really stuck on you. I hope
for you that it lasts.
Rose he's a sweet, kind and loving
person. We like each other, but I
don't want to think any further.
It's taken me a long time to get
back to dating, and I want to take
things real steady this time.
Well, you can trust me not to tell
He was quite happy not to talk about
I did a sketch of him.
Rose shows the sketch to Harriet.
(looking at the picture)
Think I've caught him?
The eyes are good.
Charlie really liked it.
It's a good likeness.
Boy, I really hope it works out.
Rose, I don't wanna screw this one
EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Charlie enters the building, holding a handful of poetry
books. He passes a UNIFORMED DELIVERY GUY coming out. The
guy nods and Charlie nods back.
INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Charlie gets three feet down the hallway. Stops in his tracks
and heads back to the front door. He opens it and yells to
the delivery guy:
Hey, uh... Ralph...?
HARRIET'S DOOR - MOMENTS LATER
She opens the door enough to see that she is wearing only a
blouse that goes below her hips. She looks fantastic. He
hands her the poetry books.
Charlie, they're beautiful. I'll put
them right in water.
He follows her inside and puts the books on the bureau. He
goes over and kisses her.
You look great.
I was just getting dressed.
(picking up skirt off
What do you think of this skirt?
(pulls her close)
I'd leave it off.
So then you think I could go to a
poetry concert like this?
She drops the skirt and stands there. She's fantastic.
Let's forget the poetry concert.
It's already been nine hours since I
last made love to you.
Come on we're meeting your best
friend. I wanna look good. The second
I go to the ladies room he's gonna
tell you what he really thinks of
He follows her to the bedroom door, constantly trying to
Come on, Charlie. We have to be there
in fifteen minutes.
(following her into
Fifteen minutes. Perfect.
She closes the door on his face.
I thought of calling you.
Charlie turns on his heel. Rose has appeared out of nowhere.
(after a pause)
To warn you, Charlie.
(after a pause)
There are just some things you should
know, about Harriet.
About her past.
I don't wanna know. I mean, look
everyone has some skeletons in their
past. I only care about the future.
Not the past.
Here's the thing. I may have to tell
Tell her what?
That we're lovers.
We're not lovers.
I know, and it's a damn shame.
Harriet walks in the room, fully dressed, and fully dazzling.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
No, not at all. We were just talking
about... Rose and I met yesterday,
So I heard.
Harriet hugs Rose and then stands right next to her.
So, don't you think we look alike?
Oh, we do not. Harriet was always
prettier than me. And a heck of a
lot more popular. She always had
boyfriends. The only thing I ever
got was good grades.
Good grades are good.
She's just being kind. Show Charlie
one of your photographs, Rose. Rose
is a great artist.
No, Harriet. I don't want to. They're
You're so modest. If I weren't here
to brag for you, I just don't know...
(taking out a
Show it to him, Rose. Do it.
He turns it over and there is a picture there. A collage of
unrelated images put together. And it is beautiful.
But it's very abstract. Violent perhaps. Confused definitely.
He likes it.
What is it?
What do you call it?
A lot artists don't like to title
their work. They feel it biases the
It is titled. It's called "I dunno".
Charlie looks at it again, then at Rose, then at Harriet.
It's all a little bizarre, but in a funny way he feels for
Rose. A hidden talented overshadowed by her sister's beauty.
We should get going, Charlie. Thanks,
Rose... See you later.
Rose, great to see you. We should
all go out together some time. The
three of us. That would be great.
That would be... interesting.
Charlie and Harriet walk out.
EXT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT
Charlie and Harriet wait in line with bohemian types and
poetry lovers from the suburbs, and all walks of life.
Directly behind them are TWO OLD LADIES. The marquee reads:
"POETRY FESTIVAL - TONIGHT ALLEN GINSBERG."
I think you're going to love Alan
Ginsberg. He's great.
Oh, I know all about him.
Tony is getting out of a cab accompanied by Susan, the girl
from Spiletti's Coffee House. He approaches Charlie.
Sorry we're late.
Tony throws his arms wide open and hugs one of the Little
Old Ladies on the other side of Charlie.
You must be Harriet. I've heard a
lot about you.
(to Tony; re: Harriet)
This is Harriet.
Oh. Sorry. Of course.
(whispering to Harriet)
I apologize. Charlie described you
as much older. And heavier.
Oh, he did...?
Thank you, Tony. This is my best
And this is Susan. Charlie, you
remember her from Uncle Giuseppi's.
Yes, I do.
Then she GIGGLES. The girls start inside, Tony lags back
(whispers to Charlie)
I give Susan one night.
INT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT
ALLEN GINSBERG is on stage. He is brilliant. Tony, Charlie,
and Harriet are all amused. Susan is bored stiff. Charlie is
looking at Tony. Tony glances over at Susan and gives Charlie
an "Oh, well." look. Then he looks at Harriet and nods in
approval of her.
EXT. FISHERMAN'S WHARF - NIGHT
The four of them walk along the wharf. Charlie is at one of
those arcade games where you throw bean bags at the puppets
and try and knock them down. Charlie knocks two down.
One more and you get your pick.
You do it.
No, Charlie. I'm the worst.
Come on, you'll be great...
The arcade man turns around to watch. Harriet winds up and
throws the bean bag directly into his neck.
Sorry... I told you Charlie.
No, no, you're okay, you're just
having control problems.
They both start laughing. He puts his arm around her. In the
b.g. the wounded arcade man is being led away by a co-worker.
They continued down the boardwalk stand in front of a House
It looks somewhat run down and Harriet looks questioningly
I know this is really, really cheesy,
but in a way this is one of the places
in San Francisco I'm most proud of.
Yeah, let's go in.
Tony nods agreement. Susan looks bored. They go inside the
HOUSE OF HORRORS
it's as low rent as Charlie described. The "KEEPER OF THE
THRESHOLD" so described in a poorly written sign, is an
overweight man in his late twenties, wearing jeans and a
denim jacket and a little bit of scary makeup. He looks like
a roadie for the band, KISS. He stands at a podium, smoking
and reading a paper. As Charlie, Tony, Harriet and Susan
pass the Threshold Keeper, he takes a casual drag of his
cigarette, lets out a little smoke and with zero commitment
INT. WAX MUSEUM - DAY
Harriet and Charlie enter Bill's Wax Museum. The OWNER of
the wax museum greets them.
Hi. I'm Bill, welcome to my wax
They walk over to the exhibits. There are exhibits of Abraham
Lincoln, Michael Jackson and Dolly Parton. As they look more
closely they notice that the faces are exactly the same as
Bill's. They laugh.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Pouring rain. THUNDER. Charlie and Harriet, wrapped in each
others arms, walking through the rain.
I feel so safe with you right now.
You're never going to leave me, are
you? I feel like I could be here
TIGHT SHOT OF RAIN HITTING CHARLIE'S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE
MATCH DISSOLVE TO:
THE REFLECTION OF RAIN ON CHARLIE'S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE
PULL BACK to see Charlie in bed. He lies awake on his side,
his back up to Harriet's. She is sound asleep. Suddenly:
Ralph! No, Ralph!
Charlie sighs, then just shrugs and tries to fall asleep.
What can he do.
INT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT
Charlie and Harriet wait outside his parents' door.
Well, this is it.
It'll be fine.
They enter the door.
INT. CHARLIE'S PARENT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
We again move along the hallway. We pass the Scottish wall,
of fame, Scottie from "Star Trek", Sir Walter Scott, Sir
Harry Lauder, Sheena Easton, Al Pacino, Billy Connolly, then
the CAMERA BACKTRACKS to Pacino, where it HOLDS MOMENTARILY.
Mom, Dad, we're here.
May comes up, wearing a fancy country and western outfit.
Ah, Charlie is this the wee Harriet.
Ah, she's beautiful.
She's so sweet. I hope you keep her.
Stuart, come out here. You tube.
When he comes up, Stuart is wearing only a shirt with his
Ah, it's the wee Harriet.
Stuart, put your pants on.
Hold your horses.
(calling to William)
William comes around the corner with his pants.
Dad, what's Al Pacino doing on the
Scottish wall of fame?
Oh, that's for Tony. So, Charlie
tells me you're a butcher. Let's
Dad, no one wants to talk shop.
Especially butcher shop.
Stuart gets him in a half-Nelson.
Ah! Dad, dad I have a back zit, man
Charlie struggles to free himself. Stuart turns to greet
Harriet. As he reaches out his hand.
Totally instinctively, Harriet grabs Stuart's hand and twists
it behind his back. Charlie is startled, as his date has
just gotten Stuart into a Half-Nelson.
(releasing his hand)
I'm sorry. I just... You just
surprised me. I'm sorry.
I like this one Charlie. She's quite
I'm really embarrassed.
Don't be embarrassed about having a
good strong butcher's grip. Do you
link your own sausage?
Oh, ignore him. Come have a look at
some photos of Charlie when he was a
Oh Mom, don't start with the pictures.
Ah, Charlie, lighten up. You've got
a pickle up your ass.
(whispering to Harriet)
I'm gonna use the bathroom. You be
okay alone with them?
Fine. Don't worry about it. Hurry.
They smile as he leaves the room.
Make sure there's paper, Charlie.
Charlie picks up the pace, scared of what he might hear next.
Make sure you leave the seat down.
(shutting her up)
Ma, just show her the pictures.
And light a match.
He always leaves the seat up. He's
INT. BATHROOM AT PARENTS' - NIGHT
He closes the door, and shakes his head. What can he do?
Those are his parents. On the wall opposite the toilet is a
well-used dart board with pictures of the Queen Mother and
Colonel Sanders. Hooked to the magazine caddie is a small
container of darts.
INT. THE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
May excitedly shows Harriet family photo albums.
This is Charlie with his Uncle Ecky.
He's a policeman in Canada. And our
cousins Ruth and Jack. He's just got
a restraining order from his wife.
She's a lovely girl. This is Billy.
He's a member of parliament. He
What a nice family you have.
CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM
He doesn't seem in any hurry to leave either. He listens
through the door to Harriet enthusiastically looking through
Charlie glances down at a stack of National Enquirers on the
magazine rack. He flips through a few.
He sees one of the absurd headlines: "ALIEN UFO SEX DIET"
Charlie shakes his head.
Charlie was the cutest baby.
You okay in there, Charlie? You didn't
fall in, did you?
Charlie then looks down at another article in the Enquirer
"WHO'S NEXT FOR MRS. X - THE HONEYMOON KILLER?"
It is the article about Mrs. X -- the axe-murderer who kills
her husbands on their honeymoons and then marries again under
a different identity.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
May is quickly flipping through a photo album, pointing out
pictures of relatives as she goes:
I can't believe the resemblance
between you and Charlie, Mrs.
INT. CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM
With Harriet speaking in the b.g., Charlie continues reading,
now absorbed in the article about the 3 victims:
You have the same smile. It's so
"VICTIM #1 - THE GERMAN MARTIAL ARTS EXPERT FROM MIAMI"
"VICTIM #2 - THE LOUNGE SINGER FROM ATLANTIC CITY"
"VICTIM #3 - THE SAN FRANCISCO PLUMBER - RALPH ELLIOT"
INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - NIGHT - C.U. - HARRIET'S FACE
Sitting in the front seat of Charlie's car, smiling, content,
a great meal, a great night out with Charlie and a nice
evening with his parents.
Slowly PAN across the front seat to Charlie. A nervous anxious
"what the hell am I getting myself into" look on his face.
So, that was some move you put on my
Dad, there. Did you study Karate,
No. Not officially. I dated a guy
for a while who ran a studio.
Oh, the martial arts expert. The
north-south guy. Here in San
He looks straight ahead, trying to act unfazed. But, he's
very phased -- his expression is covered in it.
Was that before Atlantic City, or
Oh, that was years ago. Atlantic
City was recent. I didn't care for
Atlantic City. A town full of gamblers
and lounge singers.
He keeps driving.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
Charlie walks through the precinct towards Tony's office,
holding the National Enquirer in his hand.
Is Tony back there?
The Sergeant nods and Charlie heads back to the office.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
O.K., Tony. Do you have the K673
form completed yet, that street vendor
incident on Powell Street?
Tony, do you mind my saying that you
seem a little down?
Captain. It's about my work. About
being a policeman.
Tony, if there's anything wrong, I'm
here to listen.
I know. And that's what's irritating,
you're too nice.
Yes, You're my captain for gods sakes.
You should be constantly on my case,
like the captain on Starsky and Hutch.
Once a week you should routinely
haul my ass into your office, accuse
me of being a maverick and complain
to me that you're sick and tired of
defending my screwball antics to the
Well, as you may know, Tony. I don't
report to a commissioner. I report
to a committee, some of whom are
appointed, some elected and the
remainder co-opted on a bi-annual
basis. A quorum --
Police work should be all about
running around, following up crazy
hunches that turn out to be right,
going out on a limb.
Well Tony, I've never seen it that
way. For me police work is all about
following procedure and remaining
accountable to the general public.
Captain! When I joined the police
force, I thought I was going to be
Serpico and unfortunately I ended up
being Toma. I would have settled for
That's interesting Tony. I'm perturbed
that you should be so disillusioned.
Hey, Tony, I gotta talk to you.
Oh, hello, Charlie. Look, I'm in the
way here. You guys probably have
something you want to talk about,
and Tony, if you've still got stuff
you want to sort out, please, you
know where the suggestion box is.
The Captain exits.
Nice guy. Hey, what's up?
I'm having doubts about being a cop
again. It's not like how it is on
cop shows. All I do is fill out papers
Let me get this straight, your Captain
hasn't threatened to have you up on
charges so fast you won't know what
No! He's never once said to me that
he was going to "throw the book at
me so hard it'll knock my ass from
here till Tuesday." Anyways what's
Charlie pulls out the National Enquirer (the one on MRS. X,
the Honeymoon Killer).
Have you heard of this case? Mrs. X?
She murders her husbands on their
honeymoons and then changes her
identity and marries again.
I never heard of it. So what?
Curious, that's all. I read about
(after a pause)
I think I'm dating Mrs. X.
(after a pause)
Two words, Charlie. Get therapy.
They have doctors that deal
specifically with this illness.
Everything's adding up, Tony. One of
the victims was a martial arts expert.
Last night at dinner, she put a
martial arts move on my dad.
There about twenty thousand people
in San Francisco who are martial
arts experts. Should I arrest all of
If they also say Ralph in their sleep
I think it'd be a good start.
(showing him paper)
Ralph Elliot. A plumber from San
Francisco. Missing since his
You're just getting scared. Like the
dream, you feel Harriet could be the
one, so you start to suspect her of
things, 'cause deep down you're scared
that if she is the one, you'll marry,
and marriage to you is death.
Hey, don't analyze my dreams, okay?
They're my dreams. Analyze your own
It's not a marrying thing, Tony.
It's a murdering thing.
(showing him paper)
Harriet lived in Atlantic City, right?
Well so did this guy, right around
the same time she left town.
"Larry Leonard, a crooner who made a
name for himself for being able to
sing in six different languages the
song "Only You".
(putting paper down)
Does she know the song "Only You?"
I don't know. It hasn't come up yet.
Charlie, move past it. You're running
your life by the National Enquirer.
What? It's the fifth highest
circulating newspaper in the United
(taking paper back)
Mrs. X. Please. Look it up.
COMPUTER ROOM AT POLICE STATION - MINUTES LATER
Charlie and Tony are in the back with KATHY, a stocky black
woman in uniform, who works in the files department.
There's no record of any deaths. All
three of these guys were reported
missing around the time of their
honeymoon, but so were the wives. No
pictures of any of the brides. For
all we know they just picked up and
And Ralph Elliot, too?
Charlie, you're talking about three
guys over a seven year span. That's
hardly news. No deaths. Elopement in
this state, as of this day, is still
(re: the article)
Yeah well murder is. And this article
says that these men were murdered by
the same woman.
Mr. MacKenzie, we've found that,
most National Enquirer articles are
actually based on our own police
reports. They take the facts and
fabricate a story around them.
It's true, Charlie. You gotta realize
that. I mean, personally, I would
lie to you, but Kathy... has this
crazy notion of always telling the
(patting his back)
You feel better now?
It guess so. It's just... if I had a
photo of Harriet, I could show it to
the relatives or friends of Mrs. X's
victims to identify her.
Charlie, listen to me! There is no
Mrs. X! Drop it! Okay?
INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - EVENING
Charlie knocks on the door. Rose answers.
You're back. But Harriet's not here
Maybe I could wait.
Sure. That would be fine.
She then starts to slowly close the door. He props it open
with his hand.
Inside? I was hoping...
(letting him in)
I'm glad you asked. I didn't want to
be so forward. I mean, if you're
waiting inside, then you feel
obligated to entertain me and keep
up the conversation just to be polite,
and really your head might be totally
elsewhere and then there's the chance
that you would really want to talk
and it's me who'd be busy, but in an
attempt not to be rude, I sit there
and listen to some story that you
don't really want to tell and I don't
really have time to hear. You know?
I couldn't agree with you more.
I think about a lot of things.
Look, if you have work to do, you go
("ah, here's an angle")
I mean, to tell you the truth, I'd
love to see your work.
Okay! What would you like me to do?
No, I don't want to see you work. I
was talking about your work. Your
photographs. That one that I saw was
so, wonderful, and...
Harriet's far more talented than I
Well, I'm sure it's so subjective
(out of patience)
Rose, show me your photos.
CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPHS
There are two kinds. Beautiful travel pictures and very erotic
black and white portraits of young men and women. All with a
slight sadomasochistic quality. At the bottom of every photo
is says: "Seasons Greetings".
Hey, these are some interesting photos
here. Very impressive. Nice shots of
Sauselito and... some good bondage
shots. A lot of people wouldn't think
to mix the two subjects, but they're
really a natural together.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any
pictures of Harriet by chance, would
(re: her cards)
Well, I don't think she'd wanna do
this sort of...
No, no, not that. Just, in general
some photos. Any little snapshot
I doubt I'd have any. Harriet hates
The sound of a key in the door as Harriet enters the
Rose -- did I see Charlie's car out
We're in here, Harriet.
What are you guys doing?
Oh, nothing. Just looking through
some of Rose's work.
...Charlie wanted a photo of you.
And that. That too.
Why of me, Charlie?
Well, sentimental reasons. Something
to remind me of you when we're not
She takes him in her arms and gives him a knee buckling kiss.
There, can you remember that?
Okay, it's just, I was gonna give
one to my parents, too, and...
Another time would be fine. It's
hardly a matter of life and death.
TV SET - PLAYING THE EVENING NEWS
In the news tonight, regarding a
Beverly Hills Jeweler, Morris Cohan,
who died last week, police are now
suspecting that Morris's partner,
Lawrence Sachs, may have murdered
him with an untraceable poison.
Reveal: we are in...
INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Charlie is on a Stair Master, as Harriet walks in wearing a
robe. The TV is on in the b.g.
Where you been?
Downstairs. I have a surprise for
Great. I just wanna do a quick twenty
minutes on the Stair Master before
Harriet drops her robe, and from over her shoulder we see
that Charlie prefers what he sees to working out.
I'll do forty tomorrow.
(getting into bed)
I got something much healthier for
you than that.
She pulls out a milkshake from behind her back.
What is it?
It's a health shake. Eggs, malt,
cinnamon, oranges. It's great. I
mixed it up downstairs.
THE TV SET
continues on about poisons and poisoners. Charlie glances at
Poisoning has become the second
leading method of murder in recent
years, due to...
Charlie watches the TV, looking a bit disturbed. Harriet
offers him the shake.
Oh, look, I'm full. Dinner and...
You'll like it Charlie.
No, really, thanks.
(putting it up to his
You won't try it. I spent twenty
minutes making it.
He takes it. Lifts it to his mouth... then puts it on the
Ummm. Smells good. Maybe I'll take
some to the office tomorrow.
(running into bathroom)
I'm gonna brush my teeth. Be right
Charlie goes into the bathroom.
Harriet comes into the bathroom and lays the empty glass
down on the counter.
I'm gonna take a quick shower.
Charlie notices the empty glass on the counter.
Harriet, where did the shake go?
What do you care? I drank it.
(getting into shower)
You could have at least tried it.
You make me feel bad sometimes,
Charlie. I don't know why.
With her in the shower, he sneaks back into the bedroom and
checks the trash can. Nothing. Then he runs around the bed
to the other trash can. Nothing.
He looks thoroughly confused as she enter the bedroom, wearing
a towel. She takes the towel off as she slips underneath the
covers. He gets into bed next to her. She gives him a kiss.
Sorry. I'm a little sensitive. You
didn't want to drink my milkshake.
So what -- right?
Regarding the murder between the two
partners, we talked to Toxicologist
Dr. Show on the issue.
Charlie and Harriet are watching the news show. DOCTOR SHOW
is patched in via the Anchorman's close circuit TV.
Doctor, is it possible that one could
be poisoned with no trace at all?
Certainly. There are plants that
grow very commonly in our own backyard
that could easily be fermented into
poison. Take for instance the...
blocking out TV)
Harriet, why don't we shut the light
Really? And how easy it that to do?
Scarily enough, quite simple. You
merely take the...
(blocking out the TV
Maybe we should turn the light back
on. Yeah that's better.
Charlie, what's the matter?
Well, it's just...
(re: the TV)
The TV. You can't even watch the
news these days without getting
I know, Charlie. And it's not just
that. Look at the things people are
doing. Partners killing each other...
I mean, you hear a story like that,
and... who can you really trust these
What do you mean?
It's like, have you ever stood with
someone at the edge of a cliff, or
the edge of a subway platform, and
you think, just for a split second,
"What if I pushed him?"
Well, I don't really take the subway
Charlie turns over on his side, she cuddles up behind him.
I'm just making a point of how many
times we trust people with our lives.
I mean, look at us. If you didn't
trust me, you would never be able to
Why do you say that?
Look at you, you're sleeping. Look
how vulnerable you are. I mean, I
could do anything at that point.
What could you do?
(sweet and innocent)
Anything. You're lying on your side,
asleep, I could... stick a needle in
(grabbing his ear at
I'm just making a point of what a
good relationship we have. Goodnight,
He looks very uneasy. She kisses him and shuts off the light.
The moon gives the room an eerie glow.
Well, good night.
She doesn't close her eyes. He's scared to close his. Pause.
Well... good night.
They both look over at each other. She closes her eyes. He
takes a deep breath and then closes his eyes.
And covers his ear with his hand.
INT. BART PLATFORM - DAY
Charlie is on the crowded platform. Next to him is an old
lady with a lot of shopping bags. Three kids on skateboards
whiz by and accidentally knock bags out of her hands. Cat
toys and cans of cat food go everywhere. Charlie bends down
and starts to help her gather her stuff.
Thank you very much, young man. I've
gotta get all this stuff back to my
When I say my children I mean my
cats. You see my children moved out
years ago, so all I've got is my
cats. I have over one hundred of
That's a lot of cats.
Charlie looks up and sees Harriet waving to him from the
subway stairs. He waves back and motions. "I'll be there in
a second", and continues to help the old lady. She watches
from the stairs.
You see this red toy? That's for the
Captain, he's finicky. and this blue
one? That's for Marco Polo.
Two train headlights are seen off in the distance.
Do you have a name for all of your
Charlie glances over at Harriet, who slowly makes her way
down the platform towards him.
Let me see! There's Winston Churchill,
Reda Sovine, Thomas Edison, Andrew
The train is getting closer and closer, and so is Harriet.
...He was Scottish.
Harriet moves forward a step, Charlie moves back a step.
Wasn't he Irish?
As Harriet seems to get closer Charlie continues to back up,
picking up cat toys. Charlie realizes he has no where else
to turn. so he side steps down the platform, never stopping
his conversation with the lady.
Actually he was Scottish. Trust me,
I know these things.
Harriet is moving in on him. Charlie steadily makes his way
down the platform, feigning accidentally kicking cat food
down the platform. The old lady is unsure what is going on,
she tries to keep up with him.
Now that you say it, he was Scotch.
Charlie runs out of platform. Harriet is very close to him.
The train is closer, so is Harriet. Charlie lets out a scream.
Charlie is standing at the edge of the platform, Harriet is
a good six or seven feet away as the train passes by. Charlie
is safe. People are all staring at Charlie curiously,
including Harriet and the old lady. Charlie is embarrassed.
Nooooooo, Scotch is a drink. Scots
are a people. Sorry, that just always
No one knows what is going on.
I'm sorry, I didn't know it meant so
much to you.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE BUILDING - DAY
INT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENTS DESK.
WE SEE A LONG DESK WITH DIFFERENT SIGNS THAT READ; BIRTHS,
DEATHS, AND MARRIAGES.
We find Charlie at the marriage counter.
Yes, Sir, can I help you?
I'd like to put in an announcement
of my parents forty-fifth wedding
Sure, it's $4.50 per word, and you've
got a choice of standard or bold.
Bold, and here, I've written it out.
Charlie looks over to the deaths counter. He overhears two
obituary assistants having a conversation.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
Hi, Frank, busy week?
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
I've only got two. It's dead around
Both assistants laugh. Charlie is mildly bemused.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Well, I've got this one guy, a
tourist. He had a heart attack on a
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
Looks like he left his heart in San
Hey, that's a real person you're
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
You're right, I'm sorry.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Well, there's this other guy Elliot,
Ralph. Plumber, disappeared four
months ago. Body found in a sewer.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
I guess he took his work too
seriously, and his life went down
Did they mention anything about his
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
You're right, I feel bad. Point taken.
I'm mean, these are real people we're
No, I'm serious. Did he mention the
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
You made your point. I was wrong to
make a joke about a person's life.
I really want to know about his wife.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
(crying and shouting)
O.K., you win. I'm a bad, bad person.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Frank take it easy.
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
No, he's right!
(pounding his head
with his fists)
I'm for shit, I'm one insensitive
Is there any mention of the wife? At
OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
NO! THERE'S NO MENTION OF THE WIFE!
EXT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENT OFFICE - DAY
Charlie stands outside the announcement office, terrified.
INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD
Harriet is talking to a CUSTOMER.
I think you're a terrific woman.
I just don't think we should see
each other anymore.
She moves around to Charlie. She lifts his chin so that he
is looking directly into her eyes.
Why not? And tell me the truth.
The truth. Okay. The truth is...
She is so close to him, and so very beautiful, it's
The truth is... I'm afraid that you
You're going to laugh.
I don't think so.
Okay... the truth is that I'm afraid
you're going to ki... leave me.
I'm going to "cleave you?" What does
Leave me. Not "cleave me." Reject
me. And so I decided to take matters
into my own hands and get it over
(he feels awful)
Purely preventive... It's not anything
I know that... So why are you leaving
Harriet, maybe I'm not meant to be
in a relationship.
A single tear runs down her cheek. She brushes it away
I never wanted to hurt you.
You haven't. At least you left early
So, that's it, then. I've got a lot
of work to do.
Now, where were we?
INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT
Charlie lies on the bar head down. Tony rushes in, looks
around and sees Charlie.
(without lifting head)
Two hours and four minutes. Tony, I
need you, and two hours and four
minutes later you show up.
Sorry. I know it was irresponsible
to stay at the drug bust until it
was over, but... What happened?
(slowly sitting up)
I'm gonna tell you, but when I do,
just say nothing. Don't judge me.
Just be my friend. Okay?
I broke up with Harriet.
You're an asshole.
What's your point?
I'm sorry, I just... why?
Tony, she's a killer. The...
But nothing's proven. The only thing
you're actually sure she did so far
is she's treated you like a King.
I dunno, Tony, I just...
Besides, everyone has something going
on with them. I mean, you can't find
everything in one person. I mean,
she's bright, she's funny, she's
independent. So maybe, and it's really
just a maybe, she kills her husbands.
Marriage is give and take, Man. You
take the good with the bad.
INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Charlie lies in bed. He's writing in his journal. He stares
out into space. Inspired, he writes...
ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL
DON'T BE DISILLUSIONED BY THE SCOTTISH SON AS HE FLIES, IN
pauses a moment to reflect, then writes...
ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL
Thinks of something else and writes...
ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL
THIS POEM SUCKS
His hand reaches across and scratches it out.
EXT. HAIGHT-ASHBURY STREET - DAY
Charlie is exiting a vintage record store. Suddenly he finds
himself face to face with Sherri. She's accompanied by a
handsome young man.
Hi. How're you doing.
(he glances at her
I'm okay. This is Michael. Michael,
this is Charlie MacKenzie.
I know. Why don't you two talk. I'm
going over there to buy some
He walks over to a magazine stand.
That good looking and he can read!
I'm teaching him. I heard you have a
We broke up. There were problems.
Let me guess...
She's a murderer.
For a moment, Charlie is too stunned to respond. Then...
Why did you just say that?
What else is left?
INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - EARLY EVENING
He's on the Stair Master, stepping very lethargically. The
TELEPHONE RINGS: He goes to answer.
Not that it matters anymore, but I
thought you should know -- someone
just turned themselves in for the
murder of Ralph Elliot.
Really? Did she confess to the other
Just the plumber so far, but she'll
(after a pause)
A little old lady from Pacific
Heights. Said he overcharged her on
a leaking sink.
Really. Leaky sink, huh?
Anyway, crime to stop. Gotta go.
I'll catch you later.
Tony hangs up. Charlie stops pedaling on the bike. Now he
really feels like shit. Harriet's not a killer. Sherri's not
He races out of the bedroom.
Moments later he appears, puts on a pair of pants over his
exercise shorts, then races out the door again.
EXT./INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - EARLY EVENING
Charlie races along towards Harriet's house.
EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT DOOR - DAY
He races up to the door and starts to bang and knock and
Harriet, it's me, Charlie.
Go away, Charlie.
I've gotta talk to you, cause I miss
you, and I made a mistake... and if
you give me another chance I'll
change. I will. I promise. I'll get
help, or therapy, or... Yeah, that'll
be great. Therapy. Even twice a week.
I'll check with my insurance to see
if I'm covered, but forget that.
The chain opens on the door.
You really hurt me.
I'll make it up to you, can we at
Rose steps up behind Charlie.
(as she now proceeds
to be let in by
Trust your first instincts, Charlie.
You never do. It's your big mistake.
That and the haircut.
Once again, baffled by Rose, Charlie touches his hair, shakes
it off and looks Harriet right in the eye.
I don't want to lose you.
You didn't lose me. You rejected me.
I'm unrejecting you.
How do I know you won't reject me
I love you.
(after a long pause)
I love you. But you blew it, Charlie,
you blew it.
She goes into the house. Charlie stands there dejected. He
knows he's blown it.
INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Harriet is doing a load of laundry consisting of bloodied
work clothes. Suddenly she can hear the sound of MUSIC, very
Annoyed, she goes out her front door to tell her neighbors
off. Just as she's about to knock on the door, she realizes
it's not the source of the music. At that moment her neighbor,
who is a STEWARDESS, comes out in nightclothes.
I don't mean to be a pain, but I'm a
stewardess, and I have an early flight
out in the morning. Can you please
keep your music down?
I thought it was coming from here.
But someone keeps shouting your name
over and over.
Puzzled, Harriet rushes back to her own balcony.
EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - BALCONY - NIGHT
Harriet rushes out and smiles as she sees the source of the
noise. Charlie serenades Harriet in the street below,
accompanied by a TRUMPETER with a MUTE, a DOUBLE BASS PLAYER
AND A GUY ON A SNARE.
HARRIET, HARRIET HARD-HEARTED
HARBINGER OF HAGGIS
BEAUTIFUL, BEMUSED BELLICOSE BUTCHER
HE WANTS YOU BACK HE SCREAMS INTO
THE NIGHT AIR LIKE A FIREMAN GOING
TO A WINDOW THAT HAS NO FIRE EXCEPT
THE PASSION OF HIS HEART
I AM LONELY,
IT'S REALLY HARD
THIS POEM SUCKS
A crowd has gathered in the street and spectators group on
their balconies. They break out into APPLAUSE. Charlie proudly
takes the applause and bows to Harriet. She throws him a
flower. He's won her back.
INT. BATHTUB - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Romantic with candles surrounding the tub. Harriet and Charlie
are bathing together. Wherever one of them moves, the water
extinguishes a candle and Charlie lights it. This is keeping
him pretty busy.
I've been there for almost a year. I
only planned on stay with her for a
few weeks, but she gets upset every
time I say I'm moving.
You were close as kids?
I pretty much raised her. You know
the scene. Depressed mother...
My dad was a photographer too.
He hated it. Trudging off to those
weddings every Saturday night. Other
people's celebrations he called it.
He said sometimes they didn't even
offer him a glass of soda. He had a
small studio, and every year at
Christmas he'd take a picture of me
and Rose and put it in the window on
a little card that said "Seasons
Greetings." Awful pictures. It's
like... I could see his pain in my
face. Anyway, me and my sister worked
with our "childhood issues" in
different ways. She became a
photographer and I became phobic
about having my picture taken. It's
quite a family.
Where are they now? Your parents?
Dead. Car accident.
There is a RING at the door.
Harriet, its for you.
INT. HARRIET'S LIVING ROOM
Charlie comes out of the bathroom in a robe.
Charlie, I want you to meet a friend
of mine. Say hi to Ralph.
A plain looking lady in her thirties, RALPH, is sitting by
Oh, like Ralph, the lady carpenter
in Green Acres!
This is Charlie.
I love you!
It's nice to meet you.
Nice? It's more than nice. It's great
to meet you. It's fantastic to meet
you. I just, I can't tell you how
glad I am. Ralph. Really. I am.
Well, thank you, I've heard a lot of
nice things about you too, and...
He rushes over to hug her.
Oh, Ralphie, I love you.
Swept up in his enthusiasm his towel falls off. Harriet is
shocked, but amused.
I'll leave you guys alone. Have a
Charlie realizes he is naked. His arms are still wrapped
I'm naked, aren't I?
Why, yes, you are.
I should really get dressed now.
He hurriedly puts his towel back on, bolts to the bedroom
door. Just before he enters, he pauses and turns to Ralph.
(to Harriet; a little
A KITCHEN DOOR OPENS...
and Charlie's mother, MAY, shoulders her way through the
door, carrying a HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CAKE with a big 45 written
PULL BACK TO REVEAL WE ARE IN:
INT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT - NIGHT
May and Stuart's 45 year anniversary party. UNCLE ANGUS is
at the piano playing "Happy Anniversary" as Charlie's parents,
all their friends and Harriet all sit around the piano
Happy Anniversary to you...
The song ends. May and Stuart blow out the candles.
Okay, everyone come and get a piece
of cake and some milk.
Hey Dad, I got an anniversary present
Stuart looks up, and Charlie gets him in a headlock and pins
him to the ground.
I'm proud of you, son. I'm proud of
(Stuart addresses the
I just wanna propose a toast. To my
wife. Forty five years ago today May
and I got married. Some of you were
there, some of you weren't born yet,
some of you are now dead, but... We
both said, "I do" and we haven't
agreed on a single thing since. But,
I'm glad I married you May cause...
It could have been worse and
besides... I still love you.
They kiss and everyone APPLAUDS. Uncle Angus breaks into,
"Stand By Your Man." May and Stuart start to dance. Charlie
looks at another young couple who are touched by this sincere
display of love. He looks over at Harriet. Stuart and May
feed each other cake. Charlie approaches Harriet.
Harriet, I wanna talk to you.
Boy, you really made some impression
with Ralph. She can't get over you.
I'm just so happy for you to have
friends like Ralph. What a great
friend to have.
Is everything all right, Charlie?
Harriet... marry me.
I want to have a wedding. With you.
I don't know, Charlie. It's so good
like it is. Why don't we just live
Because, I love you and I want you
to marry me and be with me for 45
years. I want you to have my children,
and I want to have your children. I
know that sounds like a lot of
children, and they might not all get
along, but... I'm finally ready to
trust you and to make a commitment.
Marry me, Harriet, please. Be my
Harriet flinches slightly at the word "Wife", but Charlie is
too wrapped up in the moment to notice. Stuart addresses the
I'd like to thank Charlie for throwing
us this party. I hope some day you
have the same great 45 years that
People clap and smile. Harriet looks at Charlie. He has tears
in his eyes.
At first it doesn't register. Then...
Let's get married, Charlie.
(from across room)
Harriet, come here a minute. I want
you and Uncle Angus to play a song
Harriet and Charlie kiss one last time and she goes to the
Charlie stays in the corner, and Tony comes over.
Hey, sorry I'm so late. What's
Nothing. Nothing at all. Just two
(as Tony looks in)
That woman over there in the corner...
She's Harriet's friend, and her name
And secondly... That woman over
That's Harriet, and we're getting
Fantastic... What did I tell you.
She's a great girl. And the last
thing in the world she'd be is a
And then Harriet begins singing at the piano.
CAN MAKE THIS WORLD SEEM RIGHT...
CAN MAKE THIS DARKNESS LIGHT..."
Tony and Charlie look at each other. "Only you?" Then Charlie
looks at his bride with confidence.
He walks over and joins her. She sings to him. It's a moment.
INT. JEWELRY STORE - DAY
Charlie and Harriet pick out a diamond ring.
INT. TRAVEL AGENCY
Charlie and Harriet point to brochures of the different cities
they could go to on their honeymoon. They decide on a picture
of the "DRY CREEK LODGE" in Oregon.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
They are getting their blood tests back. Harriet looks at
hers, casually. Charlie is nervous. Reluctantly he opens the
file and looks at it. He is pleased with the results and
does a victory dance.
EXT. SCOTTISH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH - ESTABLISHING
INT. SCOTTISH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH
Charlie and Harriet are being married. Harriet is in a
beautiful wedding gown. Charlie is wearing a kilt. Tony is
the best man. He also wears a kilt. Stuart, also kilted,
May, the whole family along with a hundred well-wishers are
in attendance. The SCOTTISH MINISTER presides. Rose is in a
Now, Mr. MacKenzie, if you will take
this woman to be your wife, through
thick and thin, for better or for
worse, please say: "I do"...
Now Harriet, if you will take this
man, through good times and bad, for
ever and ever, as your husband, please
say "I Do"...
Harriet starts to speak; but right before the words come
out, she stares into Charlie's eyes and STOPS. Charlie looks
nervous. So does the Scottish Minister. So does Tony. So
(after a long pause;
Now Charlie... Kiss the beautiful
Charlie and Harriet kiss. We can see (though Charlie can't)
Harriet has a strange unsure expression on her face. Tony
notices it though and can't figure it out.
Let's get pissed.
The wedding march kicks in being played by a drunken Scotsman
INT. RECEPTION HALL
A Scottish accordionist and a Drummer play SCOTLAND THE BRAVE.
Some OLDER SCOTTISH AUNTIES are CLAPPING and HOOTING LOUDLY
along with the tune. Some young girl COUSINS in traditional
Scottish costume, dance the sword dance along to SCOTLAND
We pass the buffet which we see is catered by "Meats Of The
World." Then we pass a very drunken Stuart in a heated
discussion with four other people.
You know Golden Gate park was designed
by a Scotsman, MacClaren, which is
who MacClaren park was named after.
The others agree heartily.
May and Tony are dancing. May is dancing uncomfortably close.
She keeps sliding her hand down to his ass, which he then
has to move back to his shoulder.
Then we come to William, who's reluctantly at the children's
table. All his little cousins are queuing up for a chance to
feel his head.
We find Charlie in a corner. One of the hooting Scottish
aunties is trying to get him to have another Scotch.
(proffering the Scotch)
Charlie, get this down your neck.
Auntie Molly if I have another one
I'll end up underneath the table
with my kilt over my head.
Tony joins them.
I don't know. Oh, there she is.
She's in the corner by herself looking weird and ominous.
She has enough food in front or her for three people.
She eats ravenously and incessantly. Charlie goes over to
A little hungry, were you?
At that moment, a FLASH goes off. Harriet looks up angrily.
What are you...!
Then she realizes it's Rose. She calms down and smiles.
Charlie looks at her, a little peculiarly, but Harriet regains
Sorry. The flash just...
The band kicks into a new dance. A YOUNG BOY comes up to the
bagpipe man with a shot of whiskey and whispers into his
ear. The bagpipe man stops the song, downs the whiskey and
then breaks into Rod Stewart's "IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY." From
across the room we hear Stuart singing.
(full volume; singing)
IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY...
AND YOU WANT MY BODY...
COME ON BABY LET ME KNOW.
Stuart gives the Bagpiper the thumbs up. The young people in
the room start to jam, and then one by one the other guests
start getting into the swing of things. The bagpipe man
continues playing. It is clear that he is far too drunk to
play. He slowly keels over, drunk. And as he falls over face
first, he lands on his Bagpipes. The bagpipes let out an
ATONAL DEFLATING SOUND like the last dying throes of a
tortured animal. The BAGPIPE WAIL extends into the next scene.
EXT. HIGH ABOVE COAST - DAY
Wait 'til you see this place, Harriet.
INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - DAY
They drive along the beautiful coast. Harriet is still eating.
They're listening to TEENAGE FAN CLUB.
This is Teenage Fan Club. They're
We'll have the whole lodge to
I can't wait, Charlie.
I wish you could be me, so you could
know how great it feels to be with
It sounds wonderful
Do you think that would be a good
line for a poem?
Honestly? It sounds a little Hallmark.
Yeah, it's a little Seals and Croft.
I have a habit of sabotaging
relationships, and there were a
million times during me and you that
I could have blown this, and I just
thank God that I didn't...
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
Tony is at his desk. The captain kicks open the door, knocking
Tony's feet off the desk. The captain is now dressed in
suspenders, a loosened tie, and a shirt with pit stains.
O.K., Spiletti, I got word from
upstairs that you been pokin' your
nose into that Ralph Elliot case.
Don't "yes, Captain" me, Spiletti.
You're outta line. This is strictly
Captain, I got this friend...
Friend? Yeah, we all got friends,
Spiletti. I'm warning you, Stay away
from this one. Back off, Italian
boy. You're getting too close to
Captain, I know what I'm doing. Trust
me. What's the news.
I can't believe I'm doing this, but
that girl who confused to Ralph
Elliot's murder also confessed to
I knew she would! I knew it!
Yeah, apparently she also confessed
to killing Abe Lincoln, Julius Caesar,
and Warren G. Harding. She's a nut,
Oh, my god! I gotta go!
Yeah, screw this one up Spiletti and
you'll be writing parking tickets
for the rest of your days.
I won't let you down, Captain.
Tony exits for a beat, then pokes his head in the doorway.
That's much better Captain.
You think so? Well, thank you very
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY
Tony hurries to his car.
EXT. GAS STATION ALONG THE COAST - DAY
They stop at a gas station with a small mini-mart. As Charlie
is filling the tank he notices Harriet slipping the key out
of the ignition before she walks to the mini-mart for more
You want anything?
Lamb chops, creamed spinach, stuffed
tomatoes and a Hershey Bar.
Harriet arrives at the little Ma and Pa type mini-mart and
smiles to Charlie.
If they don't have all that, I'll
just take the Hershey bar.
EXT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Tony stands at the door, buzzing the buzzer to no response.
INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - EARLY EVENING
They are still driving along the coast. Charlie is eating
his Hershey Bar. Harriet's eyes are becoming a bit glazed
now, her movements a little static. She keeps looking behind
them and out the window.
What do you keep looking behind us
Is someone following you, or...?
They were. I think they're gone.
What do you mean, they were?
The gas station guy. I thought he
was chasing us for a while, but I
guess he stopped.
The gas station guy? Why would the
gas station guy chase us.
I don't know, Charlie. I guess for
What do you mean not paying? You
didn't pay him for the gas.
I forgot to pay... I didn't want to
be away from you for any longer.
So, you just left.
Yes. And you're an accomplice.
He stops mid-bite on his Hershey Bar. He's confused.
I'm not sure I understand.
Look, Charlie, don't you get it?
We're a team.
(going with it)
I can play that game. I'll get the
next gas station. Like Bonnie & Clyde.
He and Bonnie continue on the winding road and pass a sign
that reads: "DRY CREEK LODGE - 40 MILES"
INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - DAY
Tony knocks. No answer. He picks the lock and enters.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Rose is tied up and lying in a pool of blood. Tony stops for
a beat, draws his gun and slowly walks over to her. Just as
he gets there, a SHUTTER CLICKS.
What is it with the women in your
I was just doing a murder series in
honor of the wedding.
Hey, this is real blood.
Yes, Harriet, give it to me. She's a
...She owns a butcher shop.
I need a picture of Harriet.
Sorry. No can do.
You took a picture at the party. I
It didn't come out.
Look, Rose. I need a photo.
The picture didn't come out.
It was unflattering. In made her
look ten pounds heavier.
She's my sister.
She's been implicated in a crime. I
need the photo to eliminate her as a
And if she's not innocent. If she's,
you know, "quirky?"
If she's "quirky" we'll save Charlie's
Rose pulls out a photograph -- Charlie and Harriet. Looking
young and in love.
EXT. DRY CREEK LODGE - LATE IN THE DAY
A beautiful old Colonial Mansion, nestled in the mountains
and forests of the North-West. Romantic and from another
day. Charlie and Harriet pull up in front of it.
The Valets open the door for them.
It's like a castle, Charlie. It's so
Welcome to the Dry Creek. You just
beat the rainstorm. Two hours later
and the roads'd probably be closed.
Great. If you could help us with the
luggage, we have these two in the
back seat and...
As they deal with the luggage, Harriet starts to walk away
from the hotel, away from the car, rain falling on her head.
She walks straight at the CAMERA, so only we can see her
expression. Her expression is one of simply "losing it".
Harriet? What are you doing honey?
Harriet turns around and smiles at Charlie. He smiles back.
INT. LOBBY OF DRY CREEK LODGE - EVENING
Charlie and Harriet stand at the desk. Harriet is not quite
paying attention. Her attention span has slipped to none.
She's fidgety. She looks around suspiciously at everything
Welcome, Sir. We have you with us
for four nights, Mr. MacKenzie. Dinner
reservations are at eight-thirty.
Great. Sounds terrific.
Also, you might wanna prepare some
candles by the bed. We're expecting
the rainstorm to get even worse. We
might even lose the power tonight.
Did you hear that, Harriet? A storm.
I can't think of anything more
romantic than the two of us trapped
in our room in the middle of a rain
You okay, Harriet?
Just a little head-ache.
Excuse me, is there a drug store in
the hotel? I want to get some aspirin.
Right beyond those trees, Ma'm.
Anything you need.
Thanks. Don't go anywhere. I'll be
Harriet walks off to the lobby store, backwards, looking at
Charlie. Charlie watches her walk off. The Desk Clerk sits
staring at Charlie.
You think she's really got a head-
Ah, nothing. Here's your key. You're
in the Oak Room.
Charlie looks back at the drug store, where Harriet is
shopping. She waves to him. Charlie looks back at the Desk
Clerk and grabs the key.
FAX OF THE PHOTO OF CHARLIE & HARRIET
coming out of a fax machine.
INT. WALTER'S PLUMBING - EARLY EVENING
WALTER, the owner of the Plumbing store, dressed in overalls
takes the Fax out and then picks up the phone.
That's Ralph Elliot's wife, alright.
She had shorter hair in those days.
INT. MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO - NIGHT
MASTER CHO, the new owner of the studio, dressed in a gee,
looks at the same fax.
Mrs. Richter gain much weight since
then, but it's definitely her.
INT. THE LIZARD'S LOUNGE - ATLANTIC CITY
RANDY ROMANO, the owner, talks into the phone, holding up
the faxed photo of Charlie and Harriet.
That's his little lollipop, alright.
Boy he loved her. I'll tell you, she
was a lot of fun. Smart. A doll face
INT. TONY'S CUBICLE - NIGHT
Tony is on the phone. Kathy, seen before at the police
station, stands with him.
Circuits are out from the storm.
Tony gets to the police station door and opens it. Kathy
Keep trying the hotel. Tell the chief
I just chartered a plane up to Oregon.
The Police Captain enters.
(points to his hair)
See that Spiletti -- A gray hair!
Every day, Spiletti, I find another
one. And that's all due to you. Get
out there, and catch me some bad
Not now, Captain.
Tony dashes out of the police station and into his car.
INT. CHARLIE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A beautiful suite, with a fireplace burning a big stack of
wood, with another stack next to it, with an AXE in it. Music
is playing softly on the stereo. And Charlie and Harriet
have just finished making love underneath the covers,
illuminated just by the light of the fireplace.
This is the best honeymoon I could
ever imagine, Harriet. If we had to
pack and go home right now, I'd still
think it was the greatest honeymoon
Harriet doesn't respond. Her head is turned from his.
Don't you agree, Harriet? Harriet?
He pulls the sheets away from her face to see that she is
(wiping her tears)
What? What are you crying? What is
It's nothing. It's just... I was
just thinking... We're married now.
And I always wanted to try and have
So do I. Look, there's nothing more
I'd like to do than have, kids, or...
It's just, I get scared that certain
things will happen, or...
What are you talking about? You're
gonna be a great Mom. I know you
It's not that, Charlie.
You're gonna laugh.
Tell me. Of course I'm not gonna
laugh. Kids is a big thing. It's
hard. I'm sure I have the same fears.
If we have kids, Charlie, things
happen. Kids are healthy and fine,
and some aren't, and I don't know if
I could live with myself if I gave
birth to a child with webbed feet.
Charlie stops to think about this. Webbed feet?
No, I'm not laughing.
You think that's silly?
No, no. That's a natural fear. I've
thought about that fear.
It really worries me, Charlie.
Well, look, they have, doctors -- I
assume -- that deal, only with, webbed
feet. And, God Forbid, and I'm talking
strictly hypothetically, should that
happen, we'll find one.
(kissing him; happy
You're the greatest Charlie.
(confused, to say the
Thanks. We should get ready for
EXT./INT. CHARTERED CESSNA - NIGHT
A small plane flies through the clouds. It's just Tony and
DENNIS the pilot.
Dennis never really realizes this is more than a sightseeing
tour, and constantly points out scenic points along the way.
Out your left side, you can see the
Sierra Nevada, which is the largest
mountain range west of the Rockies...
Great. Rockies. I don't care. Oregon.
INT. CHARLIE'S HOTEL ROOM AT DRY CREEK LODGE - NIGHT
Charlie is dressed very sharply in sport coat and tie. He
yells into the bathroom where we can see part of Harriet
You almost ready? The first seating
is in five minutes.
(from other room)
I just wanna look good for you,
Charlie. That's all.
I'm sure you look great. I'm sure
Harriet turns the corner, wearing a nice dress. Her hair
looks okay. She's wearing perfume. The only problem is, she
has two lines of mascara running down her cheeks. She's been
crying. Charlie looks curious.
Do I look okay, Charlie?
Charlie points to his own eye.
Nothing. You kind of look like Tammy
Faye Baker right now.
She looks in the mirror.
She goes back into the bathroom.
EXT. CESSNA - NIGHT
The plane descends towards the runway. The rain comes down
As we prepare to land, we can see
off to our left Lake Shanony, which
Just land. Don't worry about Lake
Shanony. I don't give a shit about
The plane touches down.
EXT. DRY CREEK LODGE - NIGHT
Rain pours fantastically on the gothic castle. Wind blows
MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
A toast to our new friends, Charlie
INT. BEAUTIFUL FRENCH RESTAURANT IN HOTEL - NIGHT
A beautiful dining room with a small dance floor. Charlie
sits at an intimate table for two with Harriet. A small band
plays in the b.g., as the BAND LEADER is making the toast.
The five or six other couples in the restaurant also hold up
...we're honored to be here for this
very special day in...
The CONCIERGE at this point interrupts to bring Charlie a
TELEPHONE. Everyone stops and watches and waits.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Sir. There's
a phone call for you from town.
(Charlie takes phone)
They say it's quite urgent.
The toast, as well as the entire room, stops -- almost like
an E.F. Hutton commercial, waiting for Charlie's phone call
INT. AIRPORT IN OREGON - EARLY EVENING
Tony speaks into the phone frantically.
Charlie, you okay?
INTERCUT PHONE CALL
Great. Couldn't be better.
Charlie, listen to me! It's her!
Harriet is Mrs. X! She killed Ralph
and the two other men!
Charlie looks up across the table at Harriet who is completely
caught up in the event of seeing how long she can keep her
hand in the candle before it hurts.
She puts it in, smiles then takes it out. She shakes her
hand, and repeats the process.
Look, that's great -- it just so
happens though, that I met...
(louder than he had
Ralph, and much to my delight, not
only is she alive, but she's female.
I thought I told you.
Harriet looks at Charlie, very suspiciously. He looks back
at her, and tries to smile, pretending that he is having a
pleasant, and completely irrelevant conversation.
Rose had a picture. It checked out.
It's her, Charlie. She is the
Charlie, your food is getting cold.
Charlie waves "One Minute" to Harriet, as she watches.
So, what do I do?
I called the police. All the roads
are closed, but they're on their
way. In the mean time just...
The line goes DEAD.
What's a matter, Charlie?
The phone just went dead. I was on
the phone and it went dead.
That's quite common, sir. I'm sure
the lines'll be out in the whole
city 'til tomorrow. Enjoy your meal,
The Concierge takes the phone away. Charlie turns slowly to
Harriet, genuinely scared.
What happened, Charlie?
Nothing... Nothing happened. Just
the lines are down. Phone lines.
Suddenly, the band leader continues with his toast.
...so to these two young people, we
wish them a long and happy life
together and would like to play their
song. The Platters -- "Only You".
The band starts to play "Only You".
People APPLAUD. Harriet and Charlie just stare at each other.
The older couple at the next table, MR. & MRS. LEVENSTEIN,
lean over to their table.
How about the traditional Bride &
Another couple walks by and pulls them literally out of the
their seats and onto the dance floor.
Come on. It's a tradition.
Charlie finds himself in the middle of the dance floor dancing
slowly with Harriet. He's scared out of his mind. The music
plays in the background. Harriet smiles strangely at him. He
tries to smile back, checking all the Exits, planning an
Then suddenly, call it luckily, MR. LEVENSTEIN, interrupts:
Excuse me. Could I cut in on your
Of course. Sure...
Charlie gives her hand away to Mr. Levenstein. He takes Mrs.
Levenstein's hand and starts to dance towards the EXIT, when
suddenly the ELECTRICITY GOES OUT. The MUSIC is out. The
LIGHTS ARE OUT.
In the dimmest of lights provided from the cloud covered
moon outside, Charlie runs across the dance floor, fighting
for an exit to the outside.
He arrives in someone's arms on his way.
I need your help! You have to help
me! I've married a...!
The LIGHTS GO BACK ON and Charlie is in HARRIET'S ARMS again.
Her face is near menacing now. She smiles a very disturbed
grin. He doesn't know what to say.
(much too pleasant)
Charlie and her are squared off. Neither speak. Suddenly
both of them are lifted into the air. They look down and see
the waiters and busboys picking them up onto chairs, throwing
them up in the air again and again. The MUSIC plays along
Harriet watches Charlie very closely, as Charlie looks scared.
Then, the people start to carry them out of the room and
down the hallway.
Let's take 'em to their room.
Yeah, I'm sure they've had enough of
these crowds for one night.
My dinner. I didn't finish my dinner
Smile, Charlie. Act like you're having
a good time.
INT. OREGON AIRPORT - SAME/NIGHT
Tony is talking to an attractive young girl behind the airport
I'm sorry, Sir. The roads are all
closed. We can't rent any cars this
You have to rent me something. I've
gotta get up there. My friend's in
INT. CHARLIE & HARRIET'S ROOM - NIGHT
The other hotel guests threw them inside. The room is all
made up, the sheets are pulled down, the firewood is cut,
the AXE is in the wood.
Have a good night, you two.
Come on in. Stay for a nightcap.
No, you two wanna be alone. See you.
Stay for a nightcap!
Sir, I really don't think I should
STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!
The bellboy is frightened and runs away.
(shouting down the
hall after him)
STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!
Harriet pulls Charlie back into the room, frightened that
Don't go, Charlie.
EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT
Tony runs out of the airport terminal where he sees a man in
his forties who's just entered his four wheel drive jeep.
(flashing his badge)
Excuse me, Sir, I'm with the San
Francisco Police Department. I'm on
official business and I'm afraid I
have to commandeer your vehicle.
What do you mean no?!
I happen to know for a fact that you
don't have the power to commandeer
This is true.
Please can I commandeer your vehicle?
Well, where are you going?
To The Dry Creek Lodge.
I'll give you a lift.
Well, I don't want a lift, I really
want to commandeer the vehicle. Please
just let me commandeer the vehicle.
Why don't you just let me drive you
there? Really, I don't mind, it's on
You're not going to bend on the
commandeering thing are you?
Well, if we get stopped will you at
least let me say that I commandeered
the vehicle, but I let you drive?
I'm uncomfortable with that.
INT. CHARLES AND HARRIET'S ROOM
Charlie & Harriet are all alone. The voices trail off down
the hallway until they disappear. Charlie and Harriet stare
at each other. Harriet blocks the door. Charlie looks around
the room. The Axe. The Corkscrew. The letter opener. The
fountain pen. At this point, everything in the room looks
like a potential weapon. Harriet takes the axe.
I heard you on the phone before,
Charlie. There's something I've got
to tell you.
I've been married before.
I already know.
About my husbands?
Yes. And I was meaning to have a
word with you. We could get an
Suddenly the power goes off again. They're both in the dark.
A scuffle. Charlie has restrained Harriet, throws her in a
walk-in closet and locks it. From behind the door, we hear
Harriet WAILING. Which continues.
Charlie picks up the axe, looks at it, relieved at his lucky
escape. He rushes to the door to escape. He opens it and
standing there is Rose.
Aaaaah, Rose, I never thought I'd be
so glad to see you.
Rose smiles. Charlie puts down the axe. The lights flicker
(going to the phone)
Maybe the phones are working again
He listens for a dial tone. Beside the phone he sees a note.
He starts to read is:
'Dear, Harriet. I just can't handle
the commitment. I'm leaving you.'
And behind him Rose approaches with the axe raised.
What the hell is this? I didn't write
And at that moment he turns to find the AXE BEING FLUNG
THROUGH THE AIR AT his head. He ducks just in time.
What the fuck?!
She takes another swing and she hits the lamp off the desk
and the room is in complete DARKNESS.
Charlie. Why did you marry Harriet?
I warned you not to marry her, didn't
I? I warned all of them. But none of
them listened to me. They all went
ahead and married her. She's the
pretty one. Where's Harriet? What
have you done with my sister, Harriet?
If you've done something to my sister,
Harriet, I swear to God I'll kill
We stay in Charlie's hip pocket as he tries to get away from
what he can't see. He stays very silent.
(from the closet)
Where are you, Charlie? What's going
Then Rose strikes a match. She lights a candle and comes
toward him. He looks around. The window is open. And Charlie
INT. COMMANDEERED CAR - NIGHT
Tony and the commandeered man drive through the swampy,
winding road on the way up to the hotel. Tony is drumming on
Could you stop doing that please?
EXT. CASTLE-LIKE ROUND TOWER/LEDGE OF TOWER - NIGHT
Charlie tightropes along the ledge of the building. The storm
continues. Rose comes out on the ledge and starts to chase
him. He rounds the bend. Charlie looks into one room and
sees MR. & MRS. LEVENSTEIN there. There's loud OPERA MUSIC
playing in the room
Call the police!
INT. THE LEVENSTEIN'S ROOM - NIGHT SAME
The Levensteins prepare for bed. Charlie races by their
window. Then Rose races by.
Call the police!
Mr. Levenstein closes the curtains. He can't hear.
EXT. LEDGE - NIGHT
Charlie races along the slippery ledge, almost falling at
several points. Rose then appears on the roof holding the
(mostly to herself;
slurring most words)
Charlie, did you like your note? I
thought it was pretty accurate. I
did all the husbands' notes. I can
forge anyone's handwriting, I can
write in anyone's style. See, I'm an
artist. Harriet isn't an artist.
Sure she could get a husband, but
she could never have done this. And
you know what I'm most proud of?
What's that, Rose?
Harriet never knew. She thought they
all just left her. I protected her.
She's my sister.
Charlie turns and runs. Rose chases him.
Tony breaks into the room with his gun drawn.
Tony, is that you? It's me, Harriet.
I'm in here.
Carefully, Tony opens the closet door.
Tony, Rose is trying to kill Charlie.
They're out on the ledge.
Get on the floor and put your hands
behind your back.
Harriet willingly goes on the floor.
Sure, anything. You've got to save
Tony slaps cuffs on her and takes her to the window.
Tony is standing with his back to the window, between it and
Harriet. She looks out of the window and screams.
Look! It's Charlie!
From Harriet's POV we see Charlie on the ledge edging along.
He stops in horror when he sees Harriet, glances back to the
pursuing Rose, and rushes off.
Tony looks behind him out the window. Nobody is there.
I swear to you... It was Charlie...
Look! Now there's Rose!
Rose looks into the room, with the axe in her hand.
No you don't.
I beg you... Look! It is Rose.
Oh no, not again.
(he glances at the
INT. LEVENSTEIN'S WINDOW
There is opera music playing. Charlie rushes by, past the
window. There is a beat and he comes back, staring inside in
Mr. Levenstein is in a Viking outfit. Mrs. Levenstein is in
full Norse Regalia.
INT. LEVENSTEIN'S WINDOW
Charlie gulps and rushes on, hastily pursued by Rose.
INT. THE ROOF
Rose pulls the Axe back and swings, and the momentum of the
swing pulls her feet out from under her, and on the slippery
icy roof she falls and starts to slide.
Just as she's about to go off the fifty foot high roof,
Charlie climbs down the roof. He stands over her. She's about
to slip. Her hands are losing strength. Her fingers are
slipping. The rain is falling harder and harder.
Charlie walks over to the cage where she's hanging on for
He leans down to help her up, but just as he grabs on to her
hand, the drainpipe she's holding onto slips.
She is now dangling from the roof, the rain falling harder
and harder. Charlie now is nowhere near her. He then gets
down on his knees on the roof and starts to climb down the
side of the drainpipe to get her.
Rose looks up helplessly at him. Not really asking for his
help. Not denying it. She's accepted her fate.
Policemen, ambulances and spectators have gathered below in
bunches as Charlie climbs down the drainpipe, he himself
hanging on for dear life.
He just reaches out far enough to grab her hand, and just as
he does, her drainpipe tears and falls into the crowd below.
Charlie, then with all his strength -- his "where has this
strength been my whole life" strength -- pulls her up to the
roof next to him.
Several policemen make their way onto the roof and come over
to where Charlie is detaining Rose. The police take her,
handcuff her and cart her away. From the corner of the roof
I hate to bother you on your
honeymoon, Charlie, but...
Charlie looks beyond Tony and sees Harriet standing in the
doorway. He goes over and puts his arm around Harriet.
Thank God. I'm sorry I doubted you,
but I thought you were the killer,
but you were acting pretty strange?
I thought you were going to leave
me, like the others. Thank God they
were just murdered. I thought they
were always leaving me.
Below, Rose is put into a police car and taken off. The SIRENS
disappear. So do the crowds.
THE SOUND OF A CROWD IN A CLUB:
INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE
Charlie is on stage looking very beatnik. He's reading his
poetry, but we can't hear it. He nods to someone off stage.
Harriet is in the audience, also looking very beatnik with
their three year old son, STUART, a miniature beatnik version
My dad was right. You don't lose
your muse once you're married. Nothing
changed, except I gained a great
SOUND UP on Charlie's poetry.
AND IN CONCLUSION
CROWD AND CHARLIE
THIS POEM SUCKS.
The crowd goes crazy.
Thank you very much.
HOUSE MUSIC kicks on. It's Saturday Night by the Bay City
BAY CITY ROLLERS
Charlie comes off stage and joins his wife and child at their
table. He is very happy.
So I Married an Axe Murderer
Writers : Robbie Fox
Genres : Comedy Romance Thriller