Revised: March 1, 2004
EXT. WILDERNESS - NIGHT
Mist. Dark trees. Dripping vines. An ENGINE RUMBLES in the
The full moon shimmers on a puddle. A FROG SPLATS IN,
splashing a one man pup tent.
INSIDE THE TENT
LUKE's eyes pop open, disoriented, realizing he's fallen
asleep reading by flashlight. He's nineteen, still slightly
awkward and unaware he's growing handsome.
He listens as the ENGINE RUMBLES LOUDER, closer.
He peers out through the tent flap. Glaring head lamps ROAR
toward him. Scrambling out of his sleeping bag, he HURLS
himself against the side of the tent, as...
an RV CAMPER nearly plows down the tent, skidding to a stop
in the mud.
Luke extricates himself from the tent. He runs to the driver-
side window of the RV.
Are you all right?
Inside, ALEXA, thirties, earthy, looks up at him bleary-eyed.
She nods 'yes.'
How did you even get here? There's
I'm sorry. I'm from Utah.
Are you alone out here?
He nods 'yes.' She bursts into TEARS.
My husband. Bastard. I've been
driving for days. I don't even
know where I'm going.
Oh, wow. I'm really sorry.
She gathers herself, sniffling.
I have warm apple kringel in the
camper. Would you like some?
Uh, what is it?
INSIDE RV CAMPER
Luke stands at the RV's tiny kitchen counter, wolfing pastry
off a paper plate.
So, this "Survival Quest" is your
Yeah. It's my third try. Kind a'
No. Seven days alone in the
wilderness? I'd be afraid.
It's just something I really wanted
Luke notices an odd pile of stuff by the sink.
His shoes. Fishing lures. The
She smiles, grateful, eyeing his torn t-shirt and shorts.
You're all wet and muddy. Why
don't I hang those up to dry?
Thanks. I'm okay.
I'm propositioning you.
He considers, fearful, but thrilled.
EXT. LANGFORD UNIVERSITY - MORNING
Students crisscross on bikes in front of the quadrangle.
The huge round headlights and muscular front grill of an old
SEMI-TRUCK RUMBLES up to the curb. It's the cab only, like
the sliced-off front of a train engine.
Luke hops down, startling his friends, KEENAN and JANINE,
passionately making out on the sidewalk.
Twenty, brainy and athletic, Janine adjusts her glasses, the
only remnant of a bookish past, as she thoughtfully considers
Luke's massive truck.
It's remarkable. Sort of retro. I
thought you were gettin' a pickup?
I changed my mind.
Hoping for a more enthusiastic response, he turns to Keenan,
who climbs up and peeks inside the cab. He's rugged,
streetwise, perpetually bemused, -maybe Ed Norton and Bill
Murray had a son...
It's awesome. It's pleather.
Fuck you. You think it's stupid.
Janine stares at him.
She shrugs, trying to put her finger on it, and when Luke
rolls up his T-shirt sleeves, she grins.
Oh my God. You got laid.
Finally! Who is she?
Luke glares at Keenan.
I didn't say a word! I swear! You
know Janine. She's got X-ray
Camping! A total stranger.
I knew that whole "waitin' to meet
the right girl" thing was crap.
Congratulations! I have to get to
Physics. The truck's great.
See ya', hottie.
Could find something to call me,
other than what every guy in the
world would say?
Janine sneers. At a loss, Keenan grabs her and kisses her
She walks off rolling her eyes, but secretly loves it.
Keenan climbs up into the cab.
So this is gonna' be like your car?
Look, I know it's dopey. But don't
you recognize it? It's painted and
the muffler's switched out, -but
this was my dad's.
Keenan looks around with fresh eyes. He reaches an arm way
up under the glove box and GRINS, pulling out a small stash
Ten years. A little dried out.
EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY
The truck barrels along through the trees. Luke and Keenan
share a joint.
First off, that woman. We didn't
go all the way, you know?
Yeah? Okay, so?
You think technically I'm still a
Were you inside her?
It counts. Next. ...What?
I been havin' this weird dream.
The thing is, I think maybe the
dream's real. Forget it. No way
I'm tellin' you.
You know enough of my secrets to
get me shot. Sharon's mom on
Thanksgiving? What the fuck dream
is there you can't tell me?
It's about part of me gettin'
smaller. An important part.
Keenan looks over warily, then busts out LAUGHING, then
realizes Luke's serious.
You have gotta' be fuckin' kiddin'
me. You're not thirteen!
Screw you. Maybe I caught
I think it's good you bought this
They both LAUGH.
INT. ROAD RAGE GARAGE - DAY
A small, run-down service garage, crammed with tires, tools
and discarded car parts.
Luke's truck idles in the service bay, billowing smoke.
MAX, nineteen, lean, in overalls, with shoulder-length hair
and edgy eyes, wipes his greasy hands on a rag.
Dripping with masculinity, he swaggers around the truck,
chewing gum, wielding a pneumatic torque-wrench, which he
occasionally REVS for emphasis.
I can do the gasket for twenty
bucks. But new T-sprocks, for this
thing? Two, three hundred, maybe?
Shit. Can I hold off on that?
No skin off my ass. But a few
days, weeks, your whole
transmission could blow.
Ah, Jeez. I shouldn't got this.
Max considers, sets his baseball cap on the truck fender and
Four hundred seventy-five
horsepower. Twenty-eight inch
wheels. It's a classic. Let me
dig around out back. Maybe we got
a used set.
That'd be great. Thanks.
Max disappears through a squeaky door at the back.
Luke picks up a rag and wipes fingerprints off the fender.
He sits, impatient for Max to return.
He examines Max's cap, tries it on. He picks up the torque-
wrench, swaggers about, trying to look macho, in the manner
He spins around and REVS the wrench, catching sight of
MICHELLE, twenty, watching him from out front in jeans and T-
shirt, with warm, confident eyes.
Luke swallows, wide-eyed, a deer in headlights. He sets
down the torque-wrench.
It's not my wrench. It's my truck.
What's wrong with it?
Oh, just needs a new gasket and a
couple T-sprocks. The flanges are
sheared off. No big deal.
You have to watch my brother, Max.
He's sellin' you "T-sprocks?"
There's no such thing. Last week
he sold Mrs. Gustafson a whole set:
six hundred bucks. My name's
From New York. Poli-Sci transfer.
I sort of asked around campus.
You've prob'ly already got a
Luke stares, awkward.
You heard about Cafe Lunizia?
Italian? They got New York style
pizza. Make you feel at home.
You askin' me out?
Oh, well, uh, -definitely!
An SUV pulls up at the gas pump, stuffed with Keenan and
OTHER GUYS. CHAD, exuding supreme self-confidence, calls
over to Luke as he pumps gas.
Hey, Spanky, let's go! Look
forward to kickin' your puck ass.
Your name's "Spanky?"
No, Puck Ass, but people just call
me Luke. We're beatin' his frat
boy team in street hockey. Pisses
I'll talk to Max. Tell him to just
replace the gasket.
Luke's BREATHING grows HEAVIER.
Thanks. So, what do you think?
I'll just sit there while you eat.
I won't even talk.
Look, I just split up with this
Oh, I'm a paramecium. That's way
more evolved. I'm practically pond
Maybe I'll give you a call when the
Great. You mean to go out, right?
Michelle smiles, and walks out through the squeaky door at
the back. Keenan approaches.
Whoa. That was her! Jesus, you're
sweatin' like crazy.
Luke sits, nods 'yes,' wipes BEADS of SWEAT from his brow.
We're goin' out.
Keenan gives him a high-five. Luke smiles, catching his
INT. LUKE & KEENAN'S PLACE
A small, run-down house. Hockey gear, dirty laundry and
Keenan are strewn across the garage-sale sofa. He munches a
burrito while watching the game.
KEENAN! COME HERE, QUICK!!!
Keenan leaps up.
He races down the hall, sliding on the linoleum.
Luke, a towel around his waist, stares at himself in the
Look! My chest!
Keenan looks, clueless, a little uncomfortable now.
I had hair. Come on! Not a lot,
but you've seen me -some- right?
Okay, I don't know. So?
Well, where'd it go?
Keenan takes a bite of the burrito in his hand, now mashed.
I really thought you gettin' laid
was gonna' help. What is it with
you, man? I mean, you're smarter
than me, you're better lookin' than
I am not.
I know. But I'm just sayin', you
can get any girl you want.
Easy for you, you've got Janine.
I'm still workin' on my GED. How
long you think Brainiac's gonna'
wanna' hang with that?
She worships you.
Man, I'm gonna' be that wild fling
she had with the local dude from
the bike shop. "God, what was his
Keenan gives him a look of "I'm crazy?"
You're gonna' have a great time
with her tonight. Just be
EXT. CAFE LUNIZIA - NIGHT
Cheap elegance. Luke and Michelle dine on the patio, strung
with far too many white lights.
I caught him with my best friend.
Former. Such a cliche'.
Winthrop Hawkins. "Hawk." From
this Park Avenue family. He'd know
what kind of mushrooms those are,
what the best wine is.
The best wine is beer.
I'm such a moron.
No, I am. I have incontrovertible
She kicks off her shoe and sticks her bare foot on the table,
a TATTOO of a GREEN BIRD on her ankle.
It's a hawk. Get it? "Hawkins?"
See, you're smirking!
And it's GREEN! That's the one
color tattoo they can't REMOVE!
I'm considering a prosthetic foot.
They sip from their glasses and drink each other in.
Luke contemplates a kiss,...
but his breathing grows shallow, he GASPS.
What's the matter?
Nothin'. Maybe just kind a' hot
out here. You want moron? When my
dad died, -it's okay, I was nine.
I barely knew what was goin' on-
But I thought the tombstone was
really sad looking, so I painted
smiley faces and fish all over it.
Yeah, I'm sure dad would've loved
His face REDDENS. Overheated, Luke tugs at his shirt,
brushes SWEAT from his brow.
So, what do you think makes a good
For real? I don't know.
Friendship. Great sex. Knowing
you want to be there even when it
gets scary or bloody.
Whoa. Where'd that come from?
No, it's just not the usual guy
thing. ...You're great, you know?
Luke puts his hand on his chest, FEELS something.
He stands, puts on his jacket.
Will you excuse me a sec'?
NEAR THE KITCHEN
HYPER-VENTILATING, his arms CLUTCHING HIS CHEST,
BEADS OF SWEAT on his forehead,
Luke checks the Men's Room door: LOCKED.
He ducks out the service entrance.
EXT. PARKING LOT
By the dumpster, Luke reaches behind his head, WHIPS off his
jacket and shirt, and looks down...
His eyes GO WIDE.
On his chest: FEMALE BREASTS.
Two WAITERS come outside for a smoke.
Table twenty-nine. Like to bring
her the cannoli special.
Luke peers over the dumpster, down at his breasts, with a
HIGH FEVER, and PASSES OUT, slumping to the ground.
BEHIND THE DUMPSTER - LATE NIGHT
Luke's eyes open, dilated, disoriented. He's lying on the
ground, shirtless among bits of garbage.
He watches bleary-eyed, as a MOUSE peers at him from inside
an empty milk carton. The mouse runs over and sniffs at a
canteloupe, which triggers Luke's memory:
He GRABS his chest, relieved to find it's back to normal.
He stands, dizzy, surveying the dark, locked restaurant, and
staggers across the deserted parking lot toward his truck.
EXT. WOODED HIGHWAY - LATE NIGHT
Luke's Semi THUNDERS along.
INSIDE THE CAB
Luke stares out in shock.
He hears HEAVY BREATHING, MOANS, VOICES.
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Oh yes! Don't stop!
He looks around for the source of the sounds, glances over.
RIGHT SIDE VIEW MIRROR
in it's reflection a leering male, stripped to the waist.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Lie down for me, baby!
The HEAD LAMPS of an oncoming car FLASH at him.
As he glances out the driver-side window, MUSIC BLARES from
the passing car.
INSIDE THE CAR
A glimpse of what might be an ORGY of BODIES intertwined.
The FEMALE DRIVER - GRINS MANIACALLY UP at Luke as the CAR
HORN SCREAMS by.
Luke CAREENS to one side, glancing at the truck's
LEFT SIDE VIEW MIRROR
The car recedes in the distance, but the Female Driver
appears CLOSE in the mirror's reflection, LEERING. She LICKS
THE MIRROR from the inside, and disappears.
THROUGH THE TRUCK WINDSHIELD
Luke stares out, EYES GLAZED.
INT. KEENAN AND LUKE'S GARAGE
The decrepit old garage looks as if it may collapse any
second. Barbells on the floor. Luke dodges and weaves,
slugging a makeshift punching bag.
Keenan appears, wiping sleep from his eyes.
We takin' up boxing?
I don't know. I am.
What's goin' on? You competin' for
Mr. Universe this week?
Everyone should just mind their own
Keenan recoils at the attitude.
Didn't go so great, huh?
Luke punches the bag, harder and faster, a near SEIZURE: ROAD
He collapses in a heap.
It was goin' great. She's amazing.
Funny. And really smart. And the
way she eats ravioli, like 'aah.'
Then I started feelin' all weird
again, and,... oh, man, you'll
think I'm nuts... Keen, I had
breasts. I felt 'em.
Whoa, first date. Definitely the
No! On me.
You're startin' to creep me out.
Listen, I think I know what's goin'
on, okay? "Acute Adolescent
Anxiety." It's from the stress of
college, girls, grades. It's
I'm not an adolescent. Where'd you
get this crap?!
The Net. I found all the symptoms
right off: panic attacks,
"Localized Alopecia" -that's hair
loss. This doctor wrote back, "Any
chance your friend, Luke, just lost
You told, -you gave him my name?!
He's a doctor, back East. He's
sending this information pack.
Look, I started thinkin' you're
goin' bipolar on me or somethin'.
Come on, man, BREASTS?!
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - MORNING
Luke hops down from the truck cab, fixes his shirt and hair,
trying to look nonchalant as he rings the doorbell.
Hearing something behind him, he turns as Max PUNCHES him in
the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.
You son-of-a-bitch, stay the hell
away from my sister!
Luke GASPS for air.
You don't say a word?! You just
leave her sittin' there?!
I came to apologize.
Max shoves him across the yard.
Get out a' here! She's not home,
Will you tell her I came by?
No. She's honest with you, so you
bolt? And then what, you wake up
feelin' sorry for her?
No! Is that what she thinks? I
left 'cause a' what she said?
That's crazy! She's like the most
incredible girl I ever met!
Max sneers, skeptical.
I had this 'pasta quattro funghi' -
four mushroom. It took me a while
to even figure it out, but I think
someone put shrooms in it, or
somehow they got in there by
mistake. I was hallucinating and
Amazes even me, a guy's capacity to
be a world-class asshole.
Fortunately, I'm familiar with the
Will you please just tell her I
came by? Forget it. I'll catch up
with her on my own.
No. You won't.
Look, I'm gonna' see her again, -if
she'll see me. I don't care what
the fuck you say about it.
They face off.
You get near her, I'll feed your
nuts to the neighbor's dog!
What kind a' dog is it?
I mean, is it a pitbull, or what?
Caught off guard, a smile escapes Max.
I'm crazy about her.
Luke nods 'yes.'
I'll tell her you came by.
Luke nods, appreciative.
EXT. MUDDY WATERS' MINI-MART - NIGHT
A tanker truck QUAKES past. Surrounded by fir trees, the
eerily empty mini-mart glows with fluorescent junk food.
Luke stands behind the cash register, leafing through "The
The CHIME BINGS and SYDNEY enters, early thirties, elegant in
thrift-store chic. She's cool and in control, ...at least on
She surveys random candy bars, stealing glances at Luke.
Had a sudden intense craving for a
You can check in that freezer.
What a relief. I'm Sydney. You?
Workin' late, huh? Luke?
Yeah, four AM. It sucks.
Sometimes you guys are just
Why in the world do guys say "it
sucks" as if it were a bad thing?
I mean, every guy's dying to get a
blow job, right? So, you think
they'd treat those words with
profound respect, like holy
scripture. "What an unbelievable
sunset, honey: doesn't it just
SUCK?,"... "You won an Olympic Gold
Medal?!, that BLOWS!"
I guess you're right.
It must be great at your age. That
river of testosterone coursing
through your veins, the damn about
to burst! How about we just lock
this place up and go for an Olympic
No thanks. Jeez, lady.
Disappointed, she checks her reflection in the freezer door.
I ought to dye my hair. Don't you
Uh, I don't know. Looks fine.
Your hair is such an incredible
I love it. Do you think I could
cut just a little piece? Match the
color? It really "sucks."
Nah, c'mon. You're messin' with
I'm not. I love it. You really
should get rid a' that thing,
anyway. I have clippers in my bag.
Cowlick. Right here. See? I can
just snip it off.
She SNIPS his hair. Luke pulls away.
What's the matter? Don't you like
being touched? Don't you like
being a guy?
No. I mean,... What? Sorry, but
you're just bizarre.
She CHUCKLES, lays money on the counter.
May be. But I learned long ago,
you can't change your true nature,
even if it can change you.
As she leaves, she takes a provocative bite of the popsicle.
EXT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - DUSK
Acres of yellowing corn surround a dilapidated farmhouse
converted into a pool hall. The windows glow from warm
Parked along the gravel driveway are pickup trucks, cars, and
INSIDE POOL HALL
Smoke, ROWDY MUSIC and the CLACK of cue balls.
Keenan and Luke snake their way through the pool tables.
Holy shit. It's that lady from the
store! Grey and black at the bar.
Keenan looks over at Sydney, finishing off a bourbon.
Janine and Michelle check out a rack of billiard balls from
the worldly British owner, POLLY.
She runs the place like a wild west saloon, with such ease
and confidence, it suggests there may be a shotgun under the
That boy, Keenan, still giving you
Actually, I tried exactly what you
Works every time.
Nice to meet you, darling. I hope
you'll find not too many rules
here, and the drinks not too dear.
Yeah, thanks. It's amazing.
Polly moves off.
Isn't she great? Guys drive across
the state just to buy a beer from
her. Total loner, though. No
one's ever seen her with anyone.
What did she tell you to try?
Janine whispers in her ear.
Michelle's jaw drops open, scandalized.
AT THE BAR
Luke hands his keys to JEREMY, the handsome bartender, in
exchange for a full pitcher of beer.
Oh, God. She's eyeing you. I
think she's comin' over.
Sydney saunters up.
Can I buy you a drink?
Uh, no thanks. We're already here
with dates and stuff.
You are? Who? Where is she?
They're around somehwere.
Luke, if you like this girl, we
Sydney glances around, talks quietly.
Anything happen since we last
spoke? Hot flashes? Pressure in
Who are you?
Dr. Sydney Catchadourian. Keenan,
You know him?!
We exchanged E-mail. I came right
Luke gives Keenan the evil eye.
From Philadelphia? Why?
Your friend here has an extra
The little remaining color in Luke's face now drains away.
He shakes his head 'no.'
Someone put mushrooms in my
I tested your hair.
You're like some whack job. Get
the hell away from me.
Luke moves off, sloshing beer. Sydney sighs.
Denial, denial, denial. Always the
first step. Keep him away from
What're you talkin' about?
Chromosomes. Most people have
forty-six: Two X if you're a girl,
an X and Y if you're a guy. He's
got forty seven: An X, a Y, and a
Janine and Michelle select pool cues.
We've only been together six
months. And he's such a guy's guy,
everyone's buddy, but, alcoholic
parents, six months in "Juvey."
Wild past, huh?
I think the only reason he's even
alive right now, is okay, partly
'cause he's so damn smart, but
mostly 'cause there's this one
person, he knows, absolutely, no
matter what, won't bale on him.
No. He doesn't trust me at all.
Luke. He's a rock.
So, yes, you can trust him. I'm
hoping Keenan's the same way.
'Cause believe me, I'm not used to
rocks, I'm used to pebbles.
Grains of sand.
Luke rejoins them with the pitcher of beer, glancing back
toward the bar. Keenan comes too, with a look of concern.
Sure. I need a drink.
Keenan steals glances at Luke, trying to sort it all out.
(aside to Luke)
That lady's nuts.
AT THE BAR
Sydney sits at a bar stool, keeping an eye on Luke and
Michelle. Jeremy lays out a cocktail napkin, speaks with a
slight Texas drawl.
Please. You see that couple over
there? I don't get it. What's he
see in her?
The brunette? You kiddin'? I'd
give my left one to be with her.
Yeah? So could he.
POOL TABLE - LATER
Now alone with Michelle, Luke lines up his cue stick, then
catches Michelle's admiring eyes.
She smiles, glances over at Keenan and Janine, making out by
Your friends sorta' like each
Super-glue. Thirty seconds
together, you can't pull 'em apart.
How'd they meet?
Keenan sold her a bike. I don't
think they've been apart more than
six hours since.
Luke peers over the corner pocket, and watches Michelle shoot
and sink the ball.
I never thought in a million years
you'd go out with me, let alone
You're not s'posed to say that.
That's a total pathetic, loser
thing to say. But I'm gonna' take
it as a huge compliment.
Okay, two word answers only. Why'd
you ask me out in the first place?
Beautiful. Unpretentious. Why'd
you say 'yes?'
Luke sneers, not his favorite compliment.
...Hot. Deep. Three words.
Okay, two words. What're you most
Friendship. Trust. You?
So much for "deep."
The electricity between them charges the air.
Luke maneuvers himself closer.
Okay, I'm gonna' take a wild shot.
Ricochet off the back, over here,
then straight into that side
pocket. What are my chances?
Point zero zero zero one.
Luke takes his shot,...
and KISSES HER.
The ball ricochets off the back, across the table, and sinks
in the pocket at the side.
AT THE BAR
Jeremy looks on, aroused. Sydney squints, dismayed, barely
able to watch.
Damn. Will you look at that tonsil
I'd prefer not. This could get
You've been staring at him all
night. You got a thing for him, or
Actually, I'm hoping he's got one
Keenan and Janine rejoin Luke and Michelle, all four elated.
Looks like you two are gettin' on
okay. Should we rack up another
Definitely! I'd like to get good
at this pool thing.
Luke racks up the balls as Michelle lines up the cue.
Okay, I'm gonna' break this wide
Go for it!
Before Keenan has lifted the wooden triangle rack,
Michelle HAMMERS the cue ball.
It CRACKS off the rack,
ROCKETS off the table,...
and CANNONBALLS Luke in the CROTCH.
Keenan, Michelle, and Janine ALL GASP.
They CRINGE, poised, waiting for Luke to react.
Luke picks the cue ball up off the floor and sets it on the
He sees them watching him.
Man, I'd be on the floor cryin'
like a baby.
No, I'm all right.
Surprised, they return to the game.
Michelle lines up the cue ball again, as Luke considers,...
with a slow-dawning realization that something, somehow, just
He casually touches his hand to his pants.
He pales slightly.
Would you excuse me a sec'?
He looks to Keenan for help.
AT THE BAR
Sydney watches as Keenan and Luke cross the hall toward the
She flags Jeremy.
Jeremy! Bourbon. Fast!
(a glance at Luke)
Better give me the whole bottle.
OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM
Luke tries the men's room door, locked.
Keenan opens another door that leads them into a store room.
Luke follows, with a look of concern.
INSIDE STORE ROOM
I mean, it was like a precision-
Luke unzips and gently digs in his trousers.
He looks down, SHUDDERS,...
Luke's face CONTORTS, terrified.
I'll get some ice.
Luke shakes his head "no," points toward his crotch, GASPS,
barely able to make a sound...
Keenan gives him a look, repelled, perplexed...
then takes a look,...
His EYES GET HUGE.
Sydney BURSTS in with the bottle of bourbon.
I was afraid a' this!
Make sure no one gets in!
Now, will you listen to me?!
Luke, slack-jawed, keeps checking himself. Each time the
horror of it grows more intense.
Sydney uncaps the bourbon and drops capsules in from a
It's gonna' come back. Drink this!
What're you givin' me?!
Valium. Flexeril. And a shitload
of Darvon. You gotta' calm down.
Here we go...
He and Sydney have to yell to hear over Luke's escalating
What's wrong with him?!
He's a Zerophiliac.
A what?! I'm gettin' a doctor!
This isn't right!
Sydney GRABS Keenan, SHOVES him against the wall.
I am a doctor! You breathe one
word, anyone else sees him like
this, and he's fucked! Pictures
all over the net, tabloids,
No! We're gonna' get it back!
You let me help him, he gets a
normal body, lives a normal life.
Now, you his friend or not?!
Keenan nods that 'yes, he is.' Sydney releases him.
Hang onto him. So he doesn't get
hurt when he passes out.
Now just wait a sec'? Is it
There are no recorded incidents of
transmission from physical contact.
Oh, PLEASE God! What did I DO
Nothing. You're a Z.
"RECORDED INCIDENTS?!" Oh my God,
I used his deodorant!
Oh, will you calm down?
"C A L M D O W N ?!!!"
"C A L M D O W N ?!!!"
Luke's eyes glaze over...
He weaves, losing his balance...
Sydney helps Luke FLOP DOWN on the floor. He passes out.
He'll be alright. He didn't go all
the way. When you fall asleep or
pass out, a Z almost always reverts
back. It's called a Nocturnal
Keenan approaches Luke, then steps back.
Oh, relax, it's not contagious.
Keenan grabs the bourbon-Darvon concoction from Sydney, wipes
the rim of the bottle just in case, then takes a big swig.
INT. SYDNEY'S BED & BREAKFAST - LATE NIGHT
On a corner table sits high-tech laboratory equipment.
Keenan and Luke gulp beers, still in shock. Luke keeps one
hand down his pants for reassurance.
In the world? A hundred. A
thousand. There's no way to know.
It doesn't show up in any normal
DNA test. It's triggered when you
first have sex.
The woman in the RV!
Now, you're Morphescent whenever
You tellin' me this is gonna'
happen any time he gets the hots
for a girl?
Keenan looks over at Luke...
Man, this could be a problem.
Is there a cure?
It's not a disease! But there are
steps you can take.
Well, what are they?
Take it easy. You can't rush this.
Before anything, you need to try
going all the way.
"All the way?"
You need to turn all the way into a
You out of your mind?!
You have to give it a try.
Maybe we should get a second
Yeah, may be! 'Cause you can
Fine, but I warn you, they've never
seen this before. First, they'll
try a barrage of antipsychotic
medications, surgery, electroshock
therapy, -god knows what.
If he were to try goin' all the
way, then what?
Luke glares at him.
I'm just askin'.
It ain't gonna' happen!
Oh, for Chris' sake! I'm trying to
help you. That Z chromosome's not
latent anymore! You don't get
control a' that thing, you don't
know when it's going to kick in,
what it's gonna' do! You want to
end up with three left breasts,
behemoth hips and one testicle?!
Luke and Keenan swallow, wide-eyed at the prospect.
Sydney calms herself down.
Now, there's no reason for that to
happen. Sorry. You're not the
only one who didn't get any sleep.
Now, are you going to let me help,
How would he even do that? Go all
the way, I mean?
He's a Z.
You become Morphescent when you get
turned on. You can change all the
way when you have an orgasm.
Well, excuse me. Truth is, at this
stage, you don't really need anyone
Sydney wearily sips a highball. She looks to Keenan for
help. Keenan flashes the international sign for jacking off.
It's a lot to absorb, I know. When
you're ready, give me a call. Your
first time, you shouldn't be alone.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAWN
A deserted, hilltop cemetery. Luke sits on the manicured
lawn, across from a gravestone with vestigial images of
brightly colored smiley-faces and fish.
Michelle. And I really like her,
He bounces a soccer ball against the headstone.
You know, I always thought your
dying was the worst thing that ever
happened to me, and that happened
more to you than it did to me... I
mean, a lot more, really.
Luke paces nervously.
Look, every day I wish you were
around, but I swear, if I tell you
this, you damn well better stay
He glances at a burial ceremony, half-mile away.
And I swear to God I'm gonna' beat
this thing. No matter what it
takes. Before I tell you, I just
want to make sure you know that,
A hushed voice...
I think I might be a Zerophiliac.
EXT. LUMBER MILL
Keenan and Luke spar on roller blades, hockey sticks in hand.
Luke WHACKS the hockey puck with such intensity, it may land
I'm not doin' it. I don't care
what she says! I can control this
I didn't know what was goin' on
before. I do now, so, it's not
gonna' be a problem. I just need
to stay focused!
You mean, keep yourself from
getting turned on? How're you
gonna' do that? You get turned on
by two scoops of ice cream.
Luke glares at him.
I'm just sayin'. I mean, you think
Larissa, the horse-faced girl's got
her good points.
Michelle and Janine ride up on their bikes.
I knew we'd find 'em here.
We just wanted to know if you're
alright. After last night.
Yeah. I'm fine. Thanks. Perfect.
Luke smiles, his face REDDENS.
I had a really good.
Luke smiles, nods, followed by a look of PANIC.
Will you excuse me a sec'?
He ducks away.
What is goin' on?!
We just need to be alone. We got
a big game tomorrow. Sometimes
guys just need to hang with the
guys, you know? No distractions?
Janine gives him a look of "What the hell are you talkin'
Keenan stares back, PLEADING.
Janine relents, despite herself.
C'mon, Michelle. Let the boys play
with their pucks.
BEHIND STACKS OF LUMBER
Luke leans against the logs, wipes sweat from his brow, and
SOMETHING'S HAPPENING AGAIN.
Panicked, he grabs his crotch, feels it,
Or is it?
He frantically unbuttons his shirt and peers inside,...
He slumps back against the logs,
WAVES OF RELIEF.
INT. LUKE'S HOUSE - DAY
Luke storms through the house, trying to evade Janine, who
enthusiastically follows. Keenan traipses after.
You TOLD HER?!
I had to. You know Janine. She
knew somethin' was up.
I've read about this kinda' thing,
but I didn't think it was real.
It's so cool!
How can you say that? If I had a
chance to be a guy for a day, I'd
jump at it. Seriously, Keen,
wouldn't you want to get inside a
Realizing she just handed him the perfect straight line...
Don't EVEN go there!
(rolling her eyes)
Fine. You're boys. Still, isn't
it every guy's dream to have a pair
of boobs to play with anytime he
Not my own!
Man, how could you tell her?!
She should be here. It's just
weird, two guys alone, one turnin'
into a girl.
Yeah, I can't wait. Not exactly
something you get to see every day.
What, HE gets to, and I don't!
No one gets to!
Luke goes in the bedroom, SLAMS the door.
Keenan and Janine take up residence outside.
Janine tries to peek through the keyhole, beneath the door.
Should we put on some soft music?
You want a magazine in there?
Janine keeps an ear held close against the door.
How 'bout a couple beers?
Maybe you want to take a bath?
Will you PLEASE shut up?!
Does he sound different?
Oh, my God!
(rising in pitch)
Oh my GAWD!
Keenan and Janine exchange a worried look.
INSIDE THE BEDROOM
Now approaching the mirror, in awe, ...gently raising a hand
to touch the exquisite FEMALE FACE reflected there, stands a
real female, an absolutely FEMALE LUKE.
OUTSIDE THE DOOR
Luke? You alright?
The door opens, revealing Female Luke, wrapped in a sheet.
Keenan clutches Janine.
They STARE, AT A TOTAL LOSS, INCREDULOUS...
Female Luke speaks, with an unmistakably female voice.
Happened fast, huh?
Can we see?
Female Luke hesitates.
Come on. It's not like I haven't
seen you naked a hundred times.
And she's a girl!
Female Luke shyly parts the sheet, revealing her stunning
Of course they're perfect. I
couldn't have tits like that?
Female Luke checks herself out in the mirror.
Oh, God. Look at me.
Keenan and Janine sit on the edge of the bed, in shock.
FEMALE LUKE (CONT'D)
What's the matter?
Keenan, afraid to answer, looks to Janine.
They both have the same reaction...
You're really hot. Victoria's
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit
Latvian Lesbians' Hidden Camera
Don't look at me, -it's your tape.
Keenan keeps his distance from Luke, embarrassed, if turned
Look, I just wanna' get one thing
straight. No way I'm gonna' sleep
Man, even as a joke, that's just
I will. I'm definitely not into
the butch hair thing, though. You
gotta' do something about that.
Keenan looks at her shocked.
I thought you're into watchin' two
Female Luke can't stop gazing at herself in the mirror.
This is too weird. This is
freaking me out.
Should we call Dr. Catchadourian?
What for? I did it. Now, I can
switch back. Get outta' here.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Will you stop starin'?!
Janine rolls her eyes, as she and Keenan back out of the
room, their eyes locked on her amazing body.
OUTSIDE BEDROOM - LATER
Janine and Keenan are sprawled on the nearby couch.
Luca opens the door.
Janine? It's like I can't get in
the right mood or something.
Welcome to my world. Oh, honey, no
one could in this situation.
You gotta' help. I need to do this
You can't force these things.
Some girls go half their lives
before they even have one.
Okay, Studly, what do you suggest?
She likes it when I tell her stuff.
"You're so beautiful,"
"I love your smile,"
"The English Patient was my
favorite movie too."
Janine and Female Luke both roll their eyes. Female Luke
swings the door shut.
The DOORBELL CHIMES.
FEMALE LUKE (O.S.)
Pizza! Figured you'll want some
Janine throws it open, Max stands outside.
Can I help you?
I was lookin' for Luke.
Hey, man. He's not around right
now. What's up?
Female Luke comes out of the bedroom, wrapped in a sheet.
Thank God. I'm starving!
She stops in her tracks, stares at Max.
Max stares back, intrigued.
How ya' doin'?
Female Luke nods 'okay.'
I'm Max. You live here too?
Janine, Keenan, and Female Luke are momentarily speechless.
No. She's just visiting.
She's Luke's cousin.
Keenan and Luca GLARE at Janine.
Max gazes at Luca, spellbound.
I always thought "Luca" was a guy's
name? Italian or something.
Luca wraps herself more tightly in the sheet.
I'm part Italian.
Cool. I'm part Italian too. The
Lei sono una bella donna. Amerei
per mostrarlo il che inclinando
torre di pisa.
What's that mean?
His eyes fixed on Luca, he smiles.
You in town for a while?
No, just a few weeks.
I'm leaving today! Now!
Is there anything you want me to
Max gets fluid, scanning the room for a toehold, infatuated
by Luca. He seizes on a hockey stick.
I'm way into hockey. I was hopin'
Luke could show me the ropes. Is
he as awesome as I've heard?
Yeah. He's alright.
Do you play?
Uh, I don't know.
She's gotta' pack. You need to go.
Really nice meeting you.
Janine ushers Max out the door and shuts it on him.
Luca ducks into the bedroom, shuts the door.
Luca at the window, peers out between the curtains, watching,
as Max walks away.
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
As Max gets to the end of the driveway, he stops and turns
back, sporting a charming smile.
INSIDE THE BEDROOM
Luca jumps away from the window, smacking into Janine.
Are you okay?
Luca just stares back at her, nonplussed.
What is it? What's
(beginning to get it)
"Oh" what? What do you mean, "oh?"
He's a hunk.
I got to switch back. Right now!
What's the big deal?
Get out of here! Just GET OUT!
Janine emerges from the bedroom to join Keenan. He looks up
at her, questioning.
What's goin' on?
It's a girl thing.
Does he need any help in there?
Not from you.
OUTSIDE BEDROOM DOOR - LATER
Keenan and Janine sprawled out, leaning against the door,
half-eaten pizza between them on the floor, WEARY.
BUZZING emanates from inside the bedroom.
This is good!
Keenan and Janine PERK UP.
Alright, okay, now open those
little levers on the sides,... and
flip that center thingy back...
Keenan finds this particularly unsettling.
Did you get this thing at the mall?
Janine wouldn't have one a' those.
Please. And mine's got way more
features than that one.
Or that one.
Keenan gives her the evil eye.
So, where'd you get it?
It was Larissa's. My roommate.
Inside the bedroom, the BUZZING STOPS.
Keenan grabs the last bottle from his six-pack.
I'm just sayin', he's not that
experienced with girls.
Oh, and you are?
I'm startin' to wonder if you are?
I'm not gonna' feed your fantasies.
Keenan flips the TV remote, disturbed.
INSIDE THE BEDROOM
Luca sits on the edge of the bed, frustrated.
JANINE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Don't call me that!
You gotta' just think about
whatever turns you on. No matter
what it is.
Luca considers, she goes over to the window, peers out
momentarily, then draws back.
OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM
Janine lies down on the floor.
Okay, pretend you're thrown on your
back, pinned against the bed...
Spread eagle, eyes closed, she fantasizes, as she directs...
You can't move an arm, a leg,
nothing, even an inch!
Keenan glances over, taken aback at her tone...
And two strong hands feel your
Keenan watches, getting turned on...
creeping firmly, slowly toward your
Keenan lunges for Janine.
Babe, every time I look at you, I
get the shivers! I just want to
rip your clothes off, and throw you
They're kissing, ROLLING AROUND TOGETHER now,...
I want to envelop every inch of
you, that incredible curve along
They roll on the floor, clothes torn...
I want to pin your arms over your
head, and make mad, passionate...
Keenan and Janine RECOIL.
Whether agony or ecstasy, it's a frightening sound.
The door opens.
Luke stands in his shorts, ALL MALE.
You're a screamer.
EXT. LANGFORD STATUARY SUPPLY - NIGHT
Sydney makes her way through a barbed-wire fence, past a "No
Trespassing" sign. A lone DOG HOWLS in the distance.
Life-size replicas of Greek Gods, Venus and David, all face
one way in the mist. Their cold stone bodies press up
against each other; nude, indifferent.
A figure peers out between the statues in a long black coat,
a baseball cap over his eyes: Luke.
What are we doing here?
Didn't want anyone around. So, I
did what you said.
Hmm. Was it difficult making the
No. It was hard gettin' back. I
need an owner's manual.
Sydney smiles, nods in agreement.
A lot of guys could use one of
So, what now? Do I take pills or
No, it doesn't work like that.
This may sound odd, but I need to
know if you're attracted to me.
Hmm. You're not gay, are you?
NO! Jeez! I'm just not attracted
to you like that.
Okay, calm down. This could be a
problem. Right now, you can go
either way anytime you want. It's
a very special and critical time
for a Z, something you'll
experience only once in life.
You need to use this incredible
opportunity you've been given, to
figure out which you're supposed to
be: male or female.
Don't you see? You get to choose.
I don't want to choose. I want to
be a guy.
Yes, well, the thing is, sometimes
your desires can conflict with your
desires. It's important to know
Believe me, I know.
I think you need to try again.
Why're you so resistant? If the
truth is, you want to be a guy,
great, but if not...
Don't even say that!
Well, clearly some part of you
feels differently. You couldn't
change if you didn't want to.
What?! That's crap!
That's the thing about the truth.
It'll set you free, but first it
can really piss you off.
Sydney moves to leave.
This is nuts! I'm supposed to be a
Then what's the problem? You are
Sydney turns to leave.
You're not gonna' help?!
I will, the moment you're ready to
try again. You can come back to my
place right now if you want.
EXT. LUMBER MILL - DAY
Bikes and SUV's outside the shut down mill. Abandoned timber
surrounds an asphalt clearing.
Luke, Keenan, Chad, Jeremy, and OTHER GUYS in the midst of a
friendly, if brutal roller hockey game.
Luke glances over and spots Max high up on a pile of logs,
cheering them on.
Jeremy passes the puck off to Luke who drives it MANIACALLY
to score the winning GOAL.
The Guys CHEER.
Well, ain't we a basket a'
Yeah, Luke, what got into you
AFTER THE GAME
The guys gather up their belongings near the cars.
Luke sits on the running board of his truck, unlacing his
Max comes over.
Hey. Good game.
I dropped by your place. Any chance
you could give me a few pointers.
You're awesome out there. And
according to my sister, you walk on
Luke grunts, a smile.
Truth is, I uh, met your cousin.
You both have practically the same
We were both named after our Uncle.
Well, she's cool. Actually, she's
hot. I was hopin' maybe you could
hook me up.
Huh? No. Not a chance.
No! She just wouldn't be
She a Lesbian?
No! Of course not. Jesus! She's,
Yeah, okay. So? Michelle's my
sister. You gonna' tell me you
wouldn't like to do her?!
FUCK YOU, man!
Luke SHOVES Max, who SHOVES him right back.
What is your deal?!
Luke lunges for him.
They go at it, wrestling FIERCELY.
Max gets the upper hand, and pins Luke down to the ground.
Luke surges with RAGE, breaks free. Grit teeth, ripped
clothes, they roll on top of each other, two rabid pitbulls.
Keenan and the Other Guys rush in, pulling them apart.
Keep the fuck away from me! And
You can fuck off!
What the hell's goin' on?!
(to the guys)
Luke's datin' his sister.
Oh, you can all fuck off!
Luke breaks free of the guys, and moves off.
INT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - DAWN
Sydney stands at the bar with a cup of coffee, chatting with
This shirt? I've had it for years.
Well, it's very sexy. I love men's
clothes. What else have you got in
Jeremy smiles, unsure what she means. When Polly approaches,
her eyes a little red, Jeremy pulls her aside.
Polly, are you alright? Didn't
mean to walk in on you.
Oh, hon. I'm fine, thanks. Love,
tears. That's the trade-off.
She puts a hand to his cheek, reassuring. Jeremy ducks
behind the bar.
My God, he's gorgeous.
Yes, he's a Michelangelo. And the
sweetest boy in the world. Sorry,
darling, I'm afraid you'll find
he's not your type.
Oh, we'll see about that.
I think he may prefer men.
I certainly hope so.
Keenan and Janine enter.
You two better have a seat.
Is Luke alright?
He should have full control over
this now. Something must be really
confusing him. The only thing I
can think of...
When he became Luca, was he
attracted to one of you? You can
get really thrown by that. Janine?
No. Not me.
Well, he sure as hell wasn't
attracted to me.
No. Definitely not.
Wasn't it just the two of you?
Janine glances to Keenan, as his eyes GO WIDE, grossed out.
Oh, give me a break! No way!
Max?! They just had a huge fight.
He tried to beat the crap out of
Janine and Sydney exchange a knowing look.
Oh, Christ, Luke's not queer! He
was just turnin' into a girl!
Exactly. He was a girl.
Oh! This is just wrong.
Would you rather she was attracted
Maybe I would!
Whoa! HANG ON! Right now, Luke
needs your help. He needs to know
you're behind him, no matter what
So, what's all this mean?
Bottom line? Maybe Luca really
likes this boy, -enough to want to
Oh, come on! I know the guy.
We've done all kinds a' shit
together: Hoops, hockey!
Oh, and girls can't play sports?!
Oh, -whatever! Christ, Janine!
Why the hell would he want to be a
That's so hard to imagine?!
HEY! LISTEN UP! I know what I'm
talking about. You see this?
Sydney pulls out a SNAPSHOT, shows it to Janine.
Who's he? An Ex? ...Oh, my God.
You're one too?
You're a Z?
You're a guy?!
Was. I made a terrible mistake.
She and Keenan keep staring at the photo...
And once you finally figure out who
you are, it's a horrible thing not
being yourself. That's why it's
crucial we help Luke.
Janine nods, grasping the significance.
Keenan keeps looking from the photo to Sydney and back again.
You musta' worked out.
EXT. CAMPUS - OUTSIDE DORM
Luke sits, waiting on the steps of a campus dormitory.
Janine approaches, grinning, carrying a box tied with a bow.
Keenan trails behind, straddling his bike.
What's this all about?
Janine hands him the box.
Keenan sneers, cringes.
It's just a little something we
thought you might want.
Luke opens it, pulls out a BLUE DRESS.
What the hell is this for?
I told her.
I told ya'. What a stupid ass
Keen! Don't! We just want you to
know, whatever you decide, it's all
right with us.
Decide?! WHAT?! No, it's not!
Get this thing away from me! JUDAS
Luke HURLS the box out to the curb. Keenan gives him a
Sorry, man. Think she wishes
everyone was female.
What's that s'posed to mean?
Oh, Christ, Janine! It means he
doesn't want to be girl! Like
he'd have to think about THAT!
There happen to be millions of us
out there that like being female!
Well, bully for YOU!
Janine walks over to pick up the box.
NO! I want to know! Just exactly
what's wrong with being a girl?!
Nothin'! It's great! It's
fuckin' PHENOMENAL, if you happen
to BE one!
Maybe we should've had this
conversation the other afternoon?!
That wasn't my choice!
I sure as hell didn't make you do
Janine, will you just let me talk
to him for a sec'?
Oh, what?! It's a 'GUY THING?!'
Give me a fuckin' break!
Janine storms off with the box.
Sorry, man. She talked me into it.
You know Janine.
Keenan picks up his bike, gets on.
Look, uh,... you do like bein' a
Keenan GRINS, rides off.
You should thank me. The one she
picked out was PINK!
UP THE WALKWAY
Luke passes a sidewalk trash can and notices the gift box
Glancing around to make sure no one's watching, he pulls the
dress out, brushes off some dirt.
He shoves it back in the trash, stares at it.
INT. MINI-MART - NIGHT
Luke kneels on the floor, stocking candy shelves.
The CHIME BINGS.
He peers over the aisle, looks around, no one in sight.
Michelle appears by the soda dispenser, wary of him.
Hey. How are you?
I'm okay. You?
As they talk, Michelle maneuvers to get closer.
Luke maneuvers to keep his distance.
Okay. You look really nice.
Thanks. I was hopin' you might
I was going to.
There's something I need to talk to
you about. -But did I do something
No. Nothin' like that. There's
just some stuff I've got to sort
They gaze at each other across the magazine rack,
a mountain range of silence between them,...
There's nothing you can't tell me.
Me too. What did you want to talk
to me about?
They stand silent, beneath the hum of fluorescent lights.
Nothing really. So, heard you and
Max really got into it?
Yeah. I kind a' lost it.
He knows how to push buttons, huh?
What exactly did he say that got
you so pissed off?
I don't know. We'd just finished a
game. I was all revved up.
He's actually a really nice guy.
Not sure he's too crazy about me
seein' his sister.
Did he scare you off?
No, he doesn't "scare" me. What,
his struttin' around, thinkin' he's
such a bad ass, with his shirt
hangin' open half the time?
Luke's surprised and embarrassed by his own words.
Michelle steps away, confused.
It's just an act. He likes
pretending he's Joe Cool. Always
says you gotta' just be whatever
you want, and fuck 'em if they
can't take a joke.
Well, he's a joke alright.
Look, I'm not sure this is gonna'
I'm sorry, I didn't mean-
No. I can't do this. I'm not sure
you even know who you are. Much
less who I am. Have you ever even
had a girlfriend?
What's that supposed to mean?!
Well, if you think my brother's
such a "joke," how much better
could you think of me? We're not
that different, you know?
You're totally different. He's a
guy, for one.
And he's my best friend. If you
don't like him, you can't like me.
MINI-MART - LATER
Luke kneels in the aisle, stocking shelves, distracted,
He glances up at the magazine rack. A Female Fitness
magazine catches his attention. The BEAUTIFUL COVER model
seems to MOVE.
He stares at it: no movement.
Luke approaches the rack, and flips over the magazine cover.
As he steps away, he glances back at the rack,
CELEBRITY MAGAZINE COVER
The ADONIS on the cover comes to life. He rips off his shirt
as he moves off one magazine cover and into another, where he
passionately kisses the BIKINI-CLAD COVER MODEL.
THE MODELS AND OTHERS on half a dozen covers begin stripping
down, moving to other magazines and making out with each
other all across the rack.
OUTSIDE THE MINI-MART
The windows glow among the dark trees.
Inside, Luke rips up covers, HURLING magazine after magazine
across the floor.
INSIDE BATHROOM - LATE NIGHT
Michelle leans against the shower wall, staring at the spray
of water, upset.
Steam rises, filling the bathroom.
She begins SINGING, longingly,...
"I wanna know how to go
To the inside of love.
I can't find my way through."
behind the shower curtain,
the timbre of her singing voice mysteriously shifts.
As her hand turns the shower faucet, it changes...
"I'm outside of love,
To the side or above,
I can't find my way with you"
A glimpse of her shoulder behind the shower curtain, grows
and her voice begins LOWERING IN PITCH,...
as MICHELLE BECOMES MAX.
"Must be a special view,
Finding a me with a you,
On the inside of love."
Max steps out of the shower, and towels off in the mirror.
INT. ORLANDO'S BED & BREAKFAST - NIGHT
A persistent KNOCK on the door. Sydney pulls on a robe over
a pair of men's boxers, wiping sleep from her eyes. She
swings the door open.
Luke stands outside in POURING RAIN.
Oh, honey. Come in.
BY THE FIREPLACE
Sydney pours hot tea.
You're one too. Why didn't you
I didn't want to confuse the issue.
So, it's true what you said? You
really know. I wouldn't change
unless I wanted to?
Maybe some part of you.
What part? How much of me? I
mean, for it to work? Half? More
than half? What if it was only a
tiny bit, -a thought?
I don't know. But I believe there
may be thousands of Z's out there,
millions for all we know, go their
whole lives without even knowing
they are one. Nothing ever
happens. You couldn't keep it from
I love being with Michelle. How
come I can't control it when she's
I think whatever part of yourself
you deny, just gets bigger and
bigger until it takes you over.
Luke nods sadly.
You think I don't really want to be
I think for some, making it stop is
more important than knowing who you
are. It was for me.
Maybe for me too.
Right now, you're Morphescent. The
key is to have sex with another Z.
You become Adulmorphic. Your
gender locks. You can't just
change anytime you want.
That's why I came all the way out
And why you keep tryin' to get me
in the sack?
Thought maybe I could save you some
distress. But you say you're not
attracted to me. For it to work,
both of us have to be into it.
That won't be a problem.
Not right now? Okay. Tonight.
EXT CEMETERY - MORNING
Morning dew. Acres of empty grass. Luke sits at the top of
a hill by his dad's grave.
Remember that Christmas when Keen
and me accidentally set the
Scofields' house on fire?
He stares up at the sky.
And that burning shingle drifted
over and lit up the Robertson's
place? The whole town was ready to
lynch us, and we snuck back home...
Two AM, you were up drinkin'
He tugs out hunks of grass.
I thought you were gonna' kill us.
But you just looked me right in the
eye, and said, "Son, there's
leftover pizza in the fridge."
A tear rims his eye.
That was the coolest thing anyone
ever said. Dad, I'm in such
I feel like if I let this thing in,
it's all over. But I don't know
what else to do. Guess you can't
figure out who you are, until you
accept who you might be.
INT. ORLANDO'S BED & BREAKFAST - DAY
Department store shopping bags and boxes are strewn across
Sydney checks herself out in the full-length mirror. A man's
gray tuxedo jacket over lingerie.
INT. LUMBER MILL - DAY
The giant work floor of the abandoned mill. Sunlight beams
through holes in the roof.
Max, on roller blades, practices guiding the hockey puck
along the floor.
He stops when he notices the figure watching him from outside
the giant metal doors:
Luca in the blue dress, on roller blades, hockey stick in
You're about the last person I
expected to see.
I can show you a few moves if you
Yeah? What the hell.
Luca demonstrates hockey technique, expertly guiding a hockey
puck through an obstacle course of broken equipment, timber,
and sawdust piles.
All the while, she dodges Max's attempts to steal the puck.
Max finally gets it, which riles Luca. She hip checks Max.
They swerve to avoid a pipe, crash-landing on top of each
other on a sawdust pile.
They bust out LAUGHING.
You're better than Luke.
I taught him everything he knows.
Luca pulls away from Max, suddenly self-conscious that Max's
leg is on top of hers.
Awkward from the broken connection, they gaze up at the blue
sky through a hole in the roof.
I thought you left town?
Had to come back.
Where'd you learn to speak Italian?
Just tourist stuff. "I'll have the
spaghetti bolognese." "How much
for a room?"
Have you been?
Little Italy. In New York.
Someday, though. Want to go with
Max leans over and KISSES Luca. She responds, tentatively at
then as she grows more confident,...
her face REDDENS, she GASPS.
Luca pulls back, self-conscious, confused. She brushes
sawdust off her dress, stands.
Look, this was a mistake.
Yeah. Of course. I know.
Looking up, Luca sees Keenan, staring at them from across the
Keenan exits out through the giant doors.
Are you and he...?
It's really none of my business.
No! I'm sorry. I shouldn't've
Max stands, brushes off the sawdust.
Please don't say you're "just
visiting." That you "need to
leave." I'm the one who needs to
Max skates off across the giant shop floor.
EXT. LUMBER MILL - DUSK
The Semi Truck is parked alone in the middle of the asphalt.
From inside the cab, the blue dress flips over the rolled
ACROSS THE PARKING LOT
Keenan leans against a tractor, rolls his eyes, and twists
open another beer, which he gulps.
AT THE TRUCK
Luke hops down from the truck cab wearing Langford U. sweats
and a T-shirt.
Keenan sits on the running board.
I mean, what the FUCK is goin' on?!
You do wanna' be a girl? You're
into guys now?
No! I don't know exactly. I don't
Keenan downs his beer, pensive. He crushes the can and hurls
it, SMACKING a garbage can.
What about Michelle?
I had to be sure. I am now. Come
on, it's sort of a Catch-22. I
make out with a girl, I start
turning into one. You gotta'
admit, it's a little weird, isn't
Suddenly uncomfortable sitting so close to Luke, Keenan
Let's get outta' here. You want a
ride somewhere? Janine's?
Why don't you go see her? Think
you're more her type.
Keenan picks up his bike.
I'll see ya' round, okay?
"See me around?"
Look, I'm gonna' find my own place,
okay? This is gettin' too fuckin'
weird for me.
I'm goin' to Dr. Catchadourian's
tonight. To make this stop.
I don't care. I've had it with all
this crap. I mean, you gonna'
start hittin' on me next?
Yeah, that's right Keenan, you and
me: let's do it.
Keenan rides off, leaving Luke shell-shocked.
INT. SYDNEY'S BED & BREAKFAST - NIGHT
Sydney wears a stunning black silk evening gown.
Small Greek statues now adorn the room.
I guess I really did need to face
it head on in order to see.
It was courageous.
Girls, are just, I don't know.
It's a different energy. They're
soft and warm, they can make a guy
And multiple o's. Actually, male
Z's have multiple o's too. Been so
long I nearly forgot.
Okay, to be honest, I'm relieved
you sorted this out. My conscience
would have bothered me for decades
if we'd just gone ahead without you
Sydney pops a cork and pours herself and Luke glasses of
champagne. A toast.
So, how does this work?
We just do it. And, ...it just
AT THE BED
Luke and Sydney begin undressing.
Do you like this dress?
Sure. Looks great on you. Man,
dresses! Even without everything
else, dresses are reason enough
right there to stay a guy.
Sydney takes this in, considers,...
"Stay a guy?" Let me get this
straight. You didn't decide to be
No. Of course not. What?
Sydney, realizing her mistake, regroups: Plan B.
Just testing you. Hold on a
moment. There's something I
She retrieves some ROPE.
What's that for?
You've never done it with another
Z. Trust me, you need to be tied
Does it hurt?
On the contrary.
BEDSIDE TABLE - LATER
The alabaster eyes of a small Greek Statue stares blankly in
the direction of the CARNAL SOUNDS coming from the bed, OFF
Just let yourself go completely.
Wow, this is intense.
When two Z's do it, the lateral
hypothalamus gets completely
Cellular fission kicks in, and,
well,... you can go Zytusional!
The chiseled eyes of a two-foot Statue of David, blankly
LUKE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Oh no. What's happening?
Luke's voice begins RISING IN PITCH...
What have you done?!
The SOUNDS ESCALATE, growing increasingly more INTENSE,
culminating in the extraordinary, never before heard,
SOUND OF ZYTUSIONAL CLIMAX...
LUCA/LUKE AND SYDNEY (O.S.)
MIRROR - LATER
A great-looking, bare-chested guy with Sydney's hair appears
in reflection: MALE SYDNEY.
Behind him, still strapped to the bed, is now Luca, a GAG in
Male Sydney carries a phone while fussing with his hair in
I hear you're the best. Yes, it's
an emergency! Please. Or I'll
have to cut it myself.
Now, you look me in the eye, and
tell me that wasn't the best sex
you ever had.
Luca MOANS, STRUGGLES VIOLENTLY!
MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
Half an hour! YES! THANK you!
Male Sydney clicks the phone off.
MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
You can have all my clothes. Oh,
and I just bought these incredible
Anna Felucci pumps.
Maybe I should keep those.
Male Sydney returns to dressing, a ribbed tank beneath a gray
MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
Okay, I wasn't completely honest
with you, but I never lied either.
It stopped. That is what you
wanted. You're Adulmorphic now.
The only way to switch is to do it
with another Z.
He gazes at Luca, a pang of guilt. He sits on the bed,
MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
I know you don't believe me, but
this is the right thing for you.
Eventually, you'll figure that on
your own. But I could tell it was
just gonna' take way too long!
Luca stares, distraught.
MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
Oh, for Chris' sake. Being a woman
doesn't make you any less of a man!
The entire bed LURCHES back and forth as Luca struggles.
Male Sydney winces, pangs of guilt, which turn to anger...
MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
Damnit! I can't live my whole LIFE
wrong 'cause of one stupid mistake!
I'm a man! I love havin' this
chest, these arms! But most of
(grabs his pant crotch)
Welcome home, boys! Hang in there,
I'm takin' you out for a SPIN!
Luca lies alone in the room, bound and gagged on the bed.
A KNOCK at the door.
Luca MOANS and tries to YELL through her gagged mouth.
The KNOCK PERSISTS.
The ivy parts and Keenan peers in.
His eyes GO WIDE.
He pushes the window open a little, whispers...
What's goin' on? Where is she?
Luca MOANS and struggles against the ropes.
Whoa. I guess I really didn't
think you were gonna' go this way.
Keenan sits on the edge of the bed.
Luca MOANS trying to get Keenan to remove the gag.
Hang on a sec'. Look, I'm sorry
about earlier, -what I said. But
all this stuff. Janine and I
Luca stops struggling, shocked.
All I ever did was piss her off.
I'm not sure she even wants a guy.
And you think I'm so much better
with girls than you, and sure I can
get laid anytime I want, but truth
is, I never even woulda' hit on her
if it weren't for watchin' you.
Keenan climbs on top of Luca, starts untying her hands,
The way you just talk to 'em about
anything, like it was okay. I
gotta' get her back, man.
With Herculean effort, Keenan struggles to hold back tears...
It's like the whole world's blown
apart. Ah, shit. Man, you havin'
tits now is just weird.
EXT. WOODED HIGHWAY
The truck THUNDERS along through the trees, head lamps
BLAZING, dashboard lights bright.
Keenan's at the wheel.
Janine said he's definitely there.
Did she mention me?
Luca indicates 'no.'
Women. God, I'm glad you want to
be a guy. You are absolutely sure,
'Cause it really is totally cool
Okay, I just don't want you to
think I'm zerophobic, or somethin'.
EXT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - NIGHT
Students gather outside the farmhouse pool hall.
Male Sydney spots his prey, and approaches Jeremy, who hangs
out alone on the grass near a small bonfire.
The firelight licks their faces.
You're on the wrestling team.
Yeah. You catch the meets?
Just an educated guess. Wanna'
Jeremy LAUGHS, glances around, unsure what to make of him.
INSIDE THE SEMI
The truck CAREENS around a CURVE.
Can't this thing go any faster?!
You know me better than anyone.
What do you think?
I mean, if I weren't a hundred
percent sure which I'm s'posed to
be. If you had to say.
All I know is, every time you look
at Michelle, or think about her,
you smile. What the hell else do
you need to know?
It's not right. She deserves to be
with a normal guy.
So, you don't get to be with
They drive in silence.
That why they call it "zero-
She's not gonna' want some guy who
thinks maybe he's supposed to be a
How do you know? Did you ask?
No way I'm gonna' ask her that.
Well, you have to. Where are your
Luca glares at him. Keenan realizes his mistake...
We'll get 'em back.
The truck ROARS on.
EXT. POLLY WOG'S
As Janine looks on, Male Sydney moves in for the kill.
Come on, let's grab a couple beers.
Sydney tugs at his T-shirt.
MALE SYDNEY (CONT'D)
Of course, I see you brought your
GRAVEL PARKING LOT
Keenan and Luca hop down from Luke's truck, scanning the
Janine waves to Luca and points across the way.
Jeez. She won't even look at me.
They stride across the field.
BEHIND THE BARN
Male Sydney shoves Jeremy passionately against the wall.
I do love to mess with Texas.
Keenan and Luca appear around the corner.
We better get outta' here.
Keenan reaches them first. He wrenches Male Sydney and
Keenan?! It's not the way it
Oh, Jeremy, I so profoundly don't
care if you're queer. Trust me,
around here, that's nothin'!
Luca catches up and TACKLES Male Sydney, throttling him on
You son-of-a-bitch! We're doin' it
again, right now!
Jeez. She your wife?!
No! She just said, she wants sex!
I can't. I'm sorry.
"Sorry?!" Fuck you! FUCK ME!
It won't work.
We're goin' inside right here!
I'll scream rape.
So will I.
They pull Male Sydney toward the barn door.
But I'm gay!
We both need to be into it, or
Jeremy moves off, wide-eyed and disturbed.
That's why I became a woman in the
first place. I couldn't handle it.
Figured if I was female, it was
okay to like guys.
Male Sydney shakes his head 'no.'
You're tellin' me, 'cause you're
straight as a girl and I'm straight
as a guy, we can screw and switch,
'cause you're straight as a girl,
and I'm gay as a guy, even if we do
I'm just screwed.
Jeez. You need trigonometry to
figure this thing out. Maybe
In my world the Kinsey scale's
three-dimensional, but trust me,
girls do nothing for me. Zilch!
You, on the other hand...
What am I gonna' do?
What if he's lying? I say, do him
Fine. Waste of time.
Luca notices Michelle standing nearby.
It's not what you think.
Keenan and Luca realize that she's Luca right now, not Luke.
What does she think?
I'm not sure.
Michelle moves off.
ALONGSIDE THE BARN
Luca runs up.
I don't believe this. You slept
with that guy?!
It's not what you think.
Oh, please! What about Max?
What about him?
Don't you care about him at all?!
Not like that: I'm straight! I'm
attracted to you!
Oh, who cares, you idiot! And
sorry to break it to you, but I'm
No. This'll sound crazy, but I'm
not who you think I am-
Oh, Christ, Luke, -Luca: I know who
Luca stares, stunned.
You know I'm a Zerophiliac?!
Yes! So you can just go fuck
Does Max know who I am?
What if he does? Do you?
He's a guy!
And you're a girl!
Michelle gestures "Oh really?!"
I'm not supposed to be!
There's no supposed to be anything,
you just ARE!
Is that what you think?! NO!
Well, then congratulations! You're
a guy, just like every other guy I
ever met! I can't believe you
slept with him!
He was a woman! I was tricked. I
didn't know I'd switch.
Michelle stares, incredulous.
You're gonna' tell me he's a Z
too?! Both of you?!
Well, that's just perfect. What,
is there something in the water
She told me it would make it stop.
That it would keep me from turning
into a girl.
So what?! Why's that so important
to you?! There's no way this was
Because I'm a Zerophiliac.
Because you can't stand being one!
She glances back, sad and angry.
Luca watches her go, distraught, and then RUNS...
ATOP A GRASSY HILLSIDE
Luca collapses on the ground, overlooking Polly Wog's.
Janine and Keenan run up, a few yards behind. They sit
nearby, catching their breath, unsure what to say.
Luca gazes up at the moon.
What's it like? To really make
They all three gaze up at the moon.
Keenan steals a glance at Janine.
The best part's just lyin' there
after. Really close, really far
Like goin' to the moon, maybe.
Yeah. ...They should open a pizza
joint up there.
Janine glares at him, and Keenan winces.
What am I gonna' do?
Maybe being a woman'll turn out
okay. Like being an elevated
member of the male species.
I just mean, maybe he'll learn to
(sarcastic, to Keenan)
As hard as that is to conceive!
Shut up! Both of you! What, you
want a written guarantee? You're
so damn lucky! You're into him,
he's into you. Super-glue! What
the hell else do you need to know?
Janine looks to Keenan with a look of remorse, hopeful...
I think you're the female half of
I think you're the macho half of
And I don't know what half of who
the hell I am.
They look to Luca surprised,...
then all three bust out LAUGHING.
What are you gonna' do?
I don't know. I prefer being a
guy, but I'm a girl? I'm attracted
to Max, but I'm in love with
Michelle? It's like I'm s'posed to
Her own admission surprises her.
Not too practical. But at least
now I know.
She almost laughs, sad, but relieved.
INT. POLLY WOG'S POOL HALL - LATE NIGHT
The place is cleared out, save for Polly cleaning up behind
the bar and Max, alone, shooting pool.
Girl trouble? Boy trouble?
How about we get a game in before
Max nods, sets up a new rack.
What's the point? It never works
out. Or they just cheat on you
Liverpool was a veritable shagfest
when I was your age. A boulevard
of broken hearts. But eventually,
I found him.
She sinks the cue ball in a corner pocket.
Scratch. Then he died.
Everything reminded me of him. So,
I came here, half way round the
world to forget. Then created this
place, just like the one where we
He can't handle this. Us. He
can't handle who he is.
You being a guy too?
Or him being a girl.
Polly's confused, but presses on.
Everyone's terrified. But once you
really know someone, and they know
you, it makes you whole.
No one wants to know who I really
You're so sure?
It's impossible. He was the one
person I thought could understand.
But no, it's impossible.
Max puts the cue stick down, and moves off. Polly calls
It's worth finding out.
EXT. ROAD RAGE GARAGE - LATE AFTERNOON
Max slides out from under an old car. Seeing Luca, he
hardens, wiping his greasy hands on a rag.
I know she doesn't want to talk to
me. But do you know where I can
New York. Left two days ago.
Oh, man. ...You're staying?
Just 'til Friday.
Max returns to his work.
I wanted to apologize to her.
Forget it, I don't know,...
Obviously, nothing's gonna' ever be
with me and her, but I just wish
she knew how much I, -and that I
wasn't cheating, I was just trying
to be a man for her.
She'd have a field day with that
If you talk to her, please just
tell her, I'm sorry, and I wish her
the best,... everything.
Luca 'nods', not fully understanding Max's response.
I'm sorry. To you too.
Mixed signals, I guess.
Max walks toward the back, then YELPS, wincing.
You all right?
Stepped on a nail. Damn it!
Max sits on a crate, starts untying his boot.
So, you gettin' used to this at
You definitely had me confused.
For whatever it's worth. I think
you're a pretty hot guy.
Thanks. But you're not interested?
Truth is, I am. And I guess it
sounds crazy, but I couldn't do
that to Michelle.
Luca moves off, as Max removes his boot, and his sock.
For whatever it's worth, I think
you're pretty hot too.
Too bad you're a moron.
I have incontrovertible proof.
Luca stares at Max, and then down at his ankle, at the TATTOO
OF A GREEN BIRD.
Max meets her eyes,
and it finally dawns on Luca,
standing, in shock, and now putting it all together,
she LUNGES for him, nailing him to the ground, kissing him.
She RIPS Max's T-shirt as they fall to the asphalt, knocking
over oil cans.
IN THE PARTS YARD
Luca manhandles Max, shoving him against a pile of huge
tires, as Max's face transforms...
BY OLD RADIATORS
Michelle slams back onto the crabgrass. She pulls Luca
toward her as Luca's face transforms into Luke.
BY DISCARDED TRUCK CHASSIS
Luke and Michelle roll on the crabgrass, kissing,
TRANSFORMING as they roll, into Luca and Max and Michelle and
Luke and Luca -or was that Max?
INT. MICHELLE'S BEDROOM - DAWN
White gauze curtains billow in the morning breeze. The sun's
first rays light up the down comforter and white pillows.
Michelle stirs slowly, then BOLTS AWAKE. She grabs Luke, a
vise grip around his torso.
He awakens, groggy.
Hey you. ...Good morning. What's
Michelle bites her lip, embarrassed, releases him.
You still think I'm going to bolt,
And leave me stuck.
What do you want, a gender pre-nup?
Maybe. I have to go to work.
She nuzzles him playfully. Luke glances at the clock, MOANS.
Only place I'm going is back to
No. I can't show up at work like
He smiles, folds into her.