"A CLONE OF MY OWN"
Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Coming Soon To An Illegal DVD.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the big
table. Enter Farnsworth with a sheet of paper.]
Good news everyone, the university is
bringing me up on disciplinary charges!
Wait, that's not good news at all.
Whatever you did Professor, I'm sure
there's a reasonable explanation.
Yes but they won't listen. Everyone's
always in favour of saving Hitler's
brain but when you put it in the body
of a great white shark (sarcastic) ooo,
suddenly you've gone too far.
[The ship flies towards Mars and cruises over the Mars University
[Cut to: Mars University Car Park. The ship lands in the car
[Mars University: Hallowed Hall. Farnsworth stands before several
Mars University staff members under a spotlight. He wears a top
hat and they are dressed formally for the tribunal.]
Professor Farnsworth, do you know why
we've called you here today?
Listen to me you pompous frauds, if
I'm going down, I'm taking you all with
me. Dean Vernon, I know the truth. It
was you driving your hover-car that
night, not your horse. Dean Epsilon,
I know all about your "Department Of
Pool Boy Studies." And Dr Wernstrom...Werrrnstrom!
Actually Professor, we merely called
you here to say......surprise.
[The room is filled with formally dressed people. To one side
a band is ready to play and Farnsworth is in the middle of the
room. Behind them "Happy Birthday" is displayed on a huge screen.]
[Behind Farnsworth the Planet Express crew hold a banner reading
"Happy Sesquicentennial Professor Farnsworth!"]
[Farnsworth ignores them.]
And you Coach Smalley, or should I say
No Professor, it's a surprise party
for your 150th birthday.
(muttering) Hundred and...what? Oooh!
[Time Lapse. Bender takes the mic in the middle and the other
staff have been replaced by Leela, Fry, Farnsworth and Zoidberg.
A picture of Farnsworth adorns the big screen. Bender plugs a
mic into himself.]
Good evening I'm - Whoa, sorry. I'm
Bender and I'll be MC-ing this roast.
Y'know, they say you can judge a man
by the company he keeps, so here's the
Professor's oldest friend: A grotesque,
[Zoidberg takes his place and appears on the screen.]
Good evening ladies and germs. That
wasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean
Streptococcus. Now I'm not saying Professor
Farnsworth is old, but if you consider
his age he's likely to die soon! Hey
Ringo, that was the joke. Oh, it's showtime
at the Apollo all over again.
[He sits down. Bender gets back up.]
Where would the Professor be without
students who love and respect him? Right
there! But seriously, of all the former
crew members of the Professor's delivery
ship, our next speaker is by far the
most alive. Captain Muskie?
[A man who is a dead ringer for the wheelchair-bound Captain
Pike from the Star Trek two-parter The Menagerie takes the mic.
His wheelchair beeps once like Pike's and the audience howls
with laughter. Zoidberg turns to Dean Vernon.]
I wouldn't wanna follow that guy!
And now, a man who needs no introduction.
(whispering) Fry, get up there!
Oh. Thank you. Y'know, when I was first
asked to make a film about my nephew,
Professor Farnsworth, I thought "Why
should I?" Then later Leela made the
film. But if I had made the film, you
could bet there would have been a lot
more topless women on motorcycles!
[He sits down, the lights dim and behind him the film counts
down in AL1. The title Hubert Farnsworth: A Living Obituary appears
on the screen and it changes to a view of New New York in the
[A picture of acne-faced Farnsworth dressed in a Dungeon Master
T-shirt appears. Fry points at the screen.]
(whispering) Dork alert!
[The picture changes to Farnsworth a few minutes before.]
[The picture freezes and is followed by the caption "Hubert J.
Farnsworth. To Be Continued...?" The picture ends and everyone
applauds. Farnsworth looks away from the screen with sadness.]
How 'bout a few words Professor?
I said "words."
[Farnsworth stands up and the audience applauds.]
Uh, what a pleasure it is to see my
lifetime of accomplishments summed up
in a 3-minute film. My best years are
behind me. So much left undone. So little
[He sits down and hangs his head. Bender applauds.]
Funny funny stuff.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth sits glumly on the couch
with the rest of the crew surrounding him.]
My life is over.
No it isn't. You have another 10 years
Leela! He could live another 100 years!
[He winks theatrically.]
No, he couldn't. When you turn 160,
robots from the Sunset Squad take you
to a mysterious planet and you never
Wow, a whole planet of old people. Where
(spookily) Nobody knows!
So many loves half-loved. So many inventions
half-invented. That damn time machine
alone set me back 15 years.
[He points to a cobweb covered contraption in the corner that
looks like the time machine from H.G. Wells' Time Machine.]
If only it'd worked. You could go back
and not waste your time on it.
There's no one to carry on after I'm
gone. No one to take care of my work
and my research and my fabulous fortune.
By God, that's it! I've got to name
A successor to the Professor?
There's no time to lose. I'm off to
my lab to build a successor-naming machine!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Everyone except Farnsworth is
at the table.]
Man, the Professor's been in his lab
I hope he didn't die. Unless he left
a note naming me his successor. Then
I hope he did die.
You? The successor? Over my empty shell!
The Professor will pick me. Only I have
his lobster-like tenacity!
[He clacks his claws.]
Up yours Zoidberg. Up wherever your
species traditionally crams things.
The only successful way to choose a
successor is with a limbo contest.
Kingston rules. Two men go down, one
[He gets up off his chair and limbos towards the kitchen.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. He limbos underneath the oven.
Leela puts a bin in front of it and leans against it.]
Look, the Professor trusts me with a
giant spaceship. He wouldn't trust the
rest of you with his dentures.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy has Farnsworth dentures
in her mouth.]
Yesh he would.
Sorry everyone but need I remind you?
Blood is thicker than water.
[Planet Express: Corridor. On the lab door is a sign reading
"Mice Please Enter Through Maze." Farnsworth's monogrammed towel
hangs on a rail to the side.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew are all assembled
for the successor naming.]
Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement.
So anyone with a weak heart should leave
[He turns to leave.]
Oh yes, the announcement! As you all
know, I am not long for this world...
Yes, we know.
One foot in the grave.
...So I've picked my successor. It's
someone in whom I have great faith -
even though his mind is undeveloped
and he's accomplished nothing. My closest
My clone, Cubert Farnsworth.
[Fry gasps and Farnsworth throws a huge switch. Electrical gadgets
fizzle and a huge glass tank slides up along the wall. The lights
go on and the crew gaze at a chubby orange-haired boy suspended
in water in the tank. They gasp.]
Crud. Can I at least be in charge of
Where did Cubert come from?
12 years ago I began the cloning process
by removing some skin cells from one
of the shaplier growths on my back.
Wait, if he's your clone then why doesn't
his nose look like yours?
I left him in his first tube too long
and he got squished up against the side.
Is he dumb or just ugly?
Let's find out.
[He presses a button and the water drains out of the tank. Cubert
coughs and splutters. The crew stare at him.]
What? You've never seen a genius's wiener
Well, once in the park.
[Planet Express: Hangar. The hangar doors are open and Leela
works on the ship in a hover-cradle. Fry and Bender roll pennies
against the hangar wall. Fry grumbles. Zoidberg takes a ketchup
sachet out of a box, opens it and sucks the ketchup out.]
[Cubert walks into the hangar from the lab.]
As long as I'm going to be in charge
here, let me examine my so called "crew,"
if it can so be called. First of all,
Dr Zoidberg, do you even have a medical
I lost it...in a volcano.
And why do we need a bending robot around
here anyway? What possible use do we
have for you?
Uh...me no speaka the English.
And why does our space pilot have only
one eye? There's someone I'd like you
to meet. His name is depth perception!
Why you little -!
[She takes a swipe at him but misses.]
Wow, that hurt - the air!
Im pending para un bending!
[Farnsworth leans over the railings.]
Oh Cubert, come in here. I have something
amazing to show you.
What is it? A compitent employee? I
doubt that very much!
[He laughs and leaves. The crew mutter and grumble.]
[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth and Cubert stand among Farnsworth's
As my successor I'm trusting you to
carry on my work. These are just some
of the half finished inventions you'll
spend your life finishing.
[Cubert looks at the smelloscope.]
I didn't realise you were the inventor
of the junk heap.
That's my prizewinning smelloscope.
If a dog craps anywhere in the universe,
you can bet I won't be out of the loop.
And this is my universal translator.
Unfortunately so far it only translates
into an incomprehensible dead language.
Don't you have any worthwhile inventions?
Why certainly. Step over here.
[Outside Ship. The ship cruises away from Earth. Cubert and Farnsworth
stand on the ship's hull near the engines.]
These are the dark matter engine I invented.
They allow my starship to travel between
galaxies in mere hours.
That's impossible. You can't go faster
than the speed of light.
Of course not. That's why scientists
increased the speed of light in 2208.
[Ship's Engine Room. Farnsworth admires the dark matter engines.]
And what makes my engines truly remarkable
is the afterburner which delivers 200%
That's especially impossible.
Not at all. It's very simple.
Then explain it.
Now that's impossible. It came to me
in a dream and I forgot it in another
Your explainations are pure weapons
grade balognium. It's all impossible.
Nothing is impossible. Not if you can
imagine it. That's what being is a scientist
is all about.
No, that's what being a magical elf
is all about.
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew and Cubert are in the middle
of their meal. Bender looks around and sees Elzar talking to
some other diners.]
Oh my God, oh my God! It's Elzar, the
TV chef! Oh kill me now people!
[Elzar joins them.]
How we doing here?
Oh Elzar, everything's so good!
What are you, an ass kissing machine?
Yes sir, good one sir!
Oh it's a gem of an evening! I feel
so wonderful having someone to take
over my life work! And it's all thanks
Look Professor. I may be identical to
you in every possible way but that doesn't
mean I'm anything like you.
I don't want to be an inventor. I want
to be something useful like a teacher's
aide or a prison guard or a science
fiction cartoon writer.
But-But what about my hopes and my dreams
and my wonderful inventions?
In your entire life your only half-decent
invention was me and I didn't turn out
like you wanted either.
[Farnsworth looks away from Cubert and a tear trickles down his
face. The other look on sadly. Elzar appears in the doorway.]
You folks still doing alright?
Oh yes Elzar.
Good 'cause it turns out I forgot to
cook that chicken.
[Planet Express: Attic. A storm rages outside the building. Farnsworth
puts a tape in a camcorder and steps in front of it.]
Bad news everyone. By the time you watch
this tape, I'll be gone. Leaving by
nothing but a history of failure and
my original hipbones. You see, I've
been lying about my age. I'm not actually
150. I'm 160. Oh vanity, thy name is
Professor Farnsworth. And now that I've
nothing to live for, I've alerted the
Sunset Squad robots to take me away.
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. A Sunset Squad ship flies through
a hole in the stormclouds and stops next to the attic balcony.
The door opens and something climbs out, holding a scythe.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth takes the tape out
of the camera and puts it in an envelope. There is a flash of
lightning and the windows fly open. Farnsworth gasps, turns around
and sees the cloaked Reaperbot. It beckons him. Farnsworth puts
the envelope, labelled "To My Crew," on a table and starts to
follow the Reaperbot outside.]
Goodbye cruel world. Goodbye cruel
lamp. Goodbye cruel velvet drapes,
lined with what would appear to be some
sort of cruel muslin......and the cute
little pompom curtain pull cords, cruel
though they may be a -
[The Reaperbot lifts him over his shoulder and knocks him out
on the window.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The remaining crew and Cubert
watch Farnsworth's message on a hologram communicator similar
to the one in A New Hope.]
And now that I've nothing to live for,
I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots
to take me away.
[The crew gasp.]
I know you're all very upset, especially
(unmoved) Well, life goes on. Except
I'm sure that Bender has just made a
cutting remark but he doesn't know I
taped over his soap operas to record
We've gotta get him back.
Impossible. No one knows where they
take those old geezers.
Nothing is impossible. You'd know that
if you really took after the Professor,
like I do.
You're his uncle dummy, he takes after
Wait a second, that means I also take
Quiet. I think I know how to find the
Lay it on us big boots.
[Outside Planet Express. The smelloscope points around the sky
and Leela sniffs.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. The rest of the crew are with
If the smelloscope can pick up the Professor's
odour, we may have a chance to save
[Cubert scoffs and snorts.]
I think not. As you probably already
don't know, odours are made up of particles
that can't travel through the vacuum
[Bender electrocutes him and he screams.]
I'm zeroing in on him. Bengay...mothballs......letters
to the editor. It's the Professor!
To the flying machine!
[The smelloscope has been mounted to the laser turret and the
ship flies at high speed through space.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry operates the smelloscope like a
periscope. He sniffs.]
To the left! No to the up! U-turn,
We'll never find this place. Robots
are very good at keeping secrets.
No we're not you little bed wetter.
Oops I'm sorry.
[Leela points through the windscreen.]
There it is! The Near-Death Star!
[Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The massive structure looks like
the Death Star from A New Hope with huge spikes along the circumference.
The ship circles a sizable dome and lands on a landing pad outside.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender and Leela put on Reaperbot cloaks.]
OK, we'll tell them the Professor escaped
and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll
have to dress up like a 160 year old
I'm on it!
[He pulls his trousers up around his chest and starts acting
frail and decreped.]
(sarcastic) My God, the illusion is
so perfect I almost forgot I was looking
at an idiot!
Now they may ask for a DNA sample.
[Fry pulls his trousers higher.]
I'd like to see them find it!
This is impossible, we don't even hae
a sample of the Professor's DNA.
I think I know where to get some.
[He pulls out a big syringe and points it at Cubert.]
[Cubert's screams echo around the Near-Death Star.]
[Outside Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. Bender, Fry and Leela
walk towards the opening door and past a sign reading "After
11pm Use Slot." Fry is wearing a lab coat, thick glasses and
is bending over. The is a big hump in his back.]
[Cut to: Near-Death Star Drop Off. The trio walk in through the
door. Cubert starts talking from under the lab coat.]
Why do I have to be the hump?
'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.
[He laughs, followed by Bender and Leela. They carry on walking
across a large bridge towards the centre of the dome. They hear
whirring noises and look over the side. Machines scoop up old
people, strip them, bath them, dress them in night gowns and
finally place them in rocking chairs. The chairs move along a
conveyor belt towards a large tube in the middle of the dome.
There are conveyor belts going deep into the dome.]
Your medicare dollars at work.
[They reach some barrierbots and guardbots. A barrierbot lowers
a barrier in front of them.]
Halt! Identify this guest.
Uh, this is Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
Escaped? No one escapes.
This guest does not look 160.
What? I'm old. Listen. (old man voice)
Hey you kids, get off the lawn!
Hmm, it is true that old people are
often concerned that there are children
on their lawns.
There's no denying that. But we'll still
need to verify his identidity with a
[Bender holds up a jar labelled "Tissue Sample." The jar is filled
with Cubert's blood.]
Got a hot steaming batch right here!
[He puts it near Barrierbot #2.]
We only need one cell!
Eh, keep the change buddy.
[A guardbot turns around with its gun.]
Did you hump just say something?
Uh....I-I've got talking hump syndrome.
[Bender drops some of Cubert's blood into a machine and it dings
and displays "Hubert J. Farnsworth."]
Identity confirmed. Return this shambling
shuffleboarder to his room.
[Barrierbot #1 raises his barrier.]
7152 Maple Drive.
Prepare to be surprised.
[Near-Death Star: Maple Drive. Maple Drive is filled with tens
of thousands of immense grave-like structures, each containing
thousands of small drawers, exactly like the rest of the Near-Death
Star. Fry takes his glasses off and he Bender and Leela look
around in awe.]
So this is where they stick old people.
At least it keeps them from driving.
[Time Lapse. They climb into a hover vehicle and Leela flies
it up the side of a gravestone. She reverses it past drawer number
7150, Ava Porter b.2790 d.Soon; past number 7151, Eloise Porter
b.2856 d.Soon and finally stops it next to drawer number 7152,
Hubert J. Farnsworth b.2841 d.Soon. She puts her hands on the
handle and turns to the others.]
Brace yourself for the worst.
[She pulls the drawer out. Farnsworth is lying in it with at
least 24 tubes connected to him in various places. They all scream.]
And yet he looks so natural.
He's hooked up to a life-support system.
We have to disconnect him very very
carefully, or the shock could kill him.
[A guardbot appears behind them in a flying machine.]
Freeze! Seize them!
Get them - I mean seize them!
[They round another corner and a guardbot hits a gravestone.]
Aww I'm so bad at this!
[His hover-ship explodes. Leela looks behind at the other guardbots
and steers the ship past some huge machines loading old people
into their final resting places. She ducks and dives over and
under them and another guardbot meets his doom.]
[His ship hits a machine and explodes. Leela turns the ship upwards.]
[Cut to: Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. She smashes the ship
through barrierbot #1 and he screams and feebly lifts what remains
of it up and down. Leela, Bender, Fry and hump's hover-ship speeds
towards the door. It starts to close.]
We're probably going to make it, but
we might not.
[Cubert looks out the top of the lab coat.]
It's impossible, we'll never fit.
[He and Bender duck and Cubert smashes his head on the closing
door, screams and flies back.]
[Cut to: Outside Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. Cubert is lying
on the Professor, dazed.]
[He blacks out. The hover-ship flies towards the landing pad.]
[Ship's Cockpit. Leela runs into the cockpit followed by Bender
carying Farnsworth, followed by Fry dragging Cubert. He drops
Cubert and his heads hits the floor with a thunk.]
Come on Leela, step your big boot down
on the gas pedal.
[And she does.]
[Cut to: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The ship takes off and
the landing gear goes up. The guest drop off door opens and three
guardbots fly out. Guardbot #1 opens fire on the ship and two
laser pulses hit the ship's engine, causing it to shut down.
The ship falls onto the landing pad and the guardbots start buzzing
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. An alarm beeps and a red light flashes.]
They've blown out one of our engines!
Fix it fix it fix it fix it fix it fix
it! Fix it fix it fix it!
Only the Professor knows how to fix
it. We have to wake him up.
[She grabs Farnsworth's night shirt and shakes him around. Fry
blasts him with an airhorn and Bender empties a chest cabinet-ful
of water over him.]
Try shocking him.
(shouting) Your social security cheque
is late! Stuff costs more than it used
to. Young people use curse words!
Damnit, we'll have to fix the engine
We can't you bastard, no one knows how
it works. It's impossible.
[Cubert comes around and puts his hand in the air.]
Nothing is impossible. I understand
how the engines work now. It came to
me in a dream. The engines don't move
the ship at all. The ship stays where
it is and the engines move the universe
That's a complete load.
Nothing's a complete load. Not if you
can imagine it. That's what being a
scientist is all about. Right Professor?
[Cubert closes the access panel.]
[Cut to: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The ship's engines power
up and they begin to move the universe in a flow-mo sequence
lifted from The Matrix. The ship flies away, it's exhaust blasting
the guardbots away. Near-Death Star defenses fire on the ship
and repeatedly miss as it makes its getaway.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Cubert and Farnsworth walk in
from the lounge.]
Good news everyone, he's made a complete
I'm as spry as a 140 year old. See?
I only broke one ankle.
So what were they doing to you in that
Oh, they had me hooked up to a bizarre
virtual world that seemed absolutely
What was it like?
It was as though I was living in a facility
in Florida with hundreds of other old
people. All day long we'd play bingo,
eat oatmeal and wait for our children
[Everyone gasps in horror.]
It's a hundred times more horrible than
anything I could imagine.
Oh my yes. Thank you all for saving
me. Especially you my little clone.
No matter what you decide to do with
your life, I'm still proud of you.
[Cubert hugs Farnsworth.]
I've already decided. Dad, when I grow
up I wanna be just like you.
Don't worry son. You will. Incidentally,
you might want to read up on a condition
known as "wandering bladder."
No reason. No reason at all.