"A FISHFUL OF DOLLARS"
Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Fry's Bedroom. Fry is awoken by squeaking bed springs from the
apartment next door. He growls.]
I can't take it anymore! They've been
at it for hours! (shouting) Give it
a rest, you two!
[Cut to: Next Door Apartment. The robots next door are sat playing
poker. They have springy bodies which are constantly squeaking.
One of the robots oils his springs.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Loading...]
[Fry's Bedroom. Fry is asleep.]
[Fade to: Fry's Dream. He is in a packed lecture hall. An old
teacher stands at the front of the room. She wears frosted half-moon
glasses and has grey hair.]
Good morning, class. I trust you've
all prepared for today's final exam.
Uh, excuse me? I missed a few lectures.
Uh, what subject is this?
Ancient Egyptian algebra.
[She points to the blackboard, revealing it is filled with Egyptian
hieroglyphs. Fry gasps.]
What a nightmare!
Mister Fry, are those your underpants?
Young man, I think it's time you learned
a lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs.
[She pulls down a poster showing the briefs.]
(voice-over) Lightspeed fits today's
active lifestyle. Whether you're on
the job......or having fun... Lightspeed
briefs. Style and comfort for the discriminating
[Like an advertisement, a pair of lightspeeds appear in front
of a flashing background.]
[Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. The dream ends and Fry suddenly wakes
What a weird dream! I'll never get back
[He falls asleep instantly.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are sat around the table.]
So you're telling me they broadcast
commercials into people's dreams?
But, how is that possible?
It's very simple. The ad gets into your
brain just like this liquid gets into
this egg. Although in reality it's
not liquid, but gamma radiation.
That's awful. It's like brainwashing.
[Leela wipes the yolk from her hair.]
Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?
Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only
on TV and radio. And in magazines and
movies and at ball games and on buses
and milk cartons and t-shirts and written
in the sky. But not in dreams. No siree!
Quit squawking, flesh wad, nobody's
forcing you to buy anything.
Yeah. I mean we all have commercials
in our dreams but you don't see us running
off to buy brand name merchandise at
low, low prices.
[After a long silence they get up and run out.]
[Alien Overlord & Taylor. A department store. Enter the Planet
Express staff who are immediately preyed on by a saleswoman at
the cosmetics stand.]
Hi! Care to sample the latest fragrance
from Calvin Clone?
[The saleswoman sprays her. Amy curses in Chinese and walks away
rubbing her eyes.]
And you, sir?
No thanks I --
[The saleswoman sprays him. Bender sprays her back with oil,
covering her face. She coughs and splutters.]
[Time Lapse. Leela is sat on a chair at the cosmetics stand.
A cosmetologist brushes away her fringe.]
What a lovely face. We just need to
draw attention away from the eye area.
[She zaps Leela with something and then holds up a mirror. Leela
sees her reflection and sighs. The woman has plastered her face
in lipstick so she looks like a clown. In the menswear department
Fry picks up a box of the briefs.]
Cool. Can I try these on before I buy
I'm afraid I can't let you open the
package. But you can try on the demo
[He pulls out a pair of smelly underpants and sprays them with
[Fitting Room. Fry puts the briefs and is impressed.]
: Ooh! Ho ho ho!
[He sees his reflection in the mirror - a muscled man surrounded
by women. Then he sees the notice: Objects In The Mirror Are
Less Attractive Than They Appear and sighs.]
[Alien Overlord & Taylor. In the robot accessories department,
Bender, wearing a green sweater, picks up a few cans of Mom's
Old Fashion Robot Oil from a pile and hides them under the sweater.]
Hey, Bender! Great new sweater.
New? What sweater? I came in with it.
I don't know you people!
[He walks off. A hovering CCTV camera follows him. Back in the
menswear department, Fry is buying the Lightspeeds.]
$30? I can't afford that. Unless...
Do you take Visa?
Visa hasn't existed for 500 years.
Sorry we don't take Discover.
[Amy, Leela, Zoidberg and Bender walk up behind him.]
Hey! You're springing for Lightspeed?
No, I can't afford them. Being poor
sucks. What kind of world is this where
they advertise things not everybody
Quiet. There's an ad coming on.
[On the screens an old woman, the same woman from on the tins
of oil - Mom - sits in a chair knitting. She is wearing a huge
green dress and an apron around her front. Behind her on the
wall is a picture of three men dressed in the same grey clothes.]
Hello shoppers. It's me, Mom!
Hey who's the rocker jockey?
Guh! It's Mom. The world's most huggable
Call me old fashioned, but when my
robot starts to squeak like an old screen
door well, that's when I reach for a
can of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil.
And remember: Mom's oil is made with
10% more love than the next leading
"Mom", "love" and "screen door" are
registered trademarks of Mom Corp.
[The tins under Bender's sweater squeak.]
Hey, Bender. Sounds like you could use
a little of that oil.
[Some tins fall out of Bender's sweater. Seven hovering CCTV
cameras surround him. He looks up at them.]
Uh, there's obviously been some sort
of a mistake here. I'm sure there's......I
say I'm sure there's......that is, I'm
sure there's...a very...reasonable...
[And some more.]
[Outside New New York Police Department. On a sign outside is
Ask About Our Generous Brutality Settlements.]
[Cut to: New New York Police Department. At the front desk Fry
counts some money.]
Do we have enough money to pay Bender's
78, 79. 79.50. Crud! We're 50 cents
I'd love to chip in, but Bender stole
[Fry sees something through a window, a building called Big Apple
Hey, that's my old bank. Maybe my account's
[Big Apple Bank. Fry steps forward to the desk and has a retina
Hmm. We don't seem to have your retina
scan, your fingerprint or your colonic
map on file.
Yeah, well, I did open the account over
a thousand years ago. What about my
[The teller pulls out an old ATM machine from under the desk
and blows the dust off it.]
Do you still remember your PIN number?
Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza
and a large soda back where I used to
work, Panucci's Pizza.
OK, you had a balance of 93 cents...
[Fry looks at Amy and Leela.]
...and at an average of 2 and a quarter
percent over a period of 1000 years,
that comes to...$4.3 billion.
[Fry stares for a moment and suddenly starts hyperventilating
and foaming at the mouth. Then he faints.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are gathered in celebration,
wearing top hats and drinking champagne.]
[They raise their glasses.]
I know Fry's rich, but do we really
have to wear these top hats?
Maybe you don't understand just how
rich he is. In fact, I think I'd better
put on a monocle.
[And he does.]
[Le Spa. Fry lives the high life. At Le Spa Fry and Leela get
a relaxing massage and Bender gets a buffing.]
[Famous-Painting-Shooting. Next, Fry and Leela walk down a corridor
past many famous paintings. Fry stops at the Mona Lisa, points
to it and buys it. The corridor is just a wall in the open countryside
with paintings hanging on it. A man loads the painting into a
catapult and fires it. Fry, Bender and Leela raise their lasers
and shoot it, blasting it to pieces.]
[Original Cosmic Ray's Pizza. The Planet Express staff are gathered
around a table for lunch.]
Pizza dinner on me! Just keep the tab
under $50 million.
Yo! I haven't got all day. What kind
of pizza yous guys want?
Uh, yeah. We'll have one with everything
but anchovies and one with my all time
favourite topping, anchovies!
(mechanical voice) Invalid selection.
(normal voice) Yo, what are you talking
Anchovies? You know? Those little headless
(mechanical voice) Does not compute.
Does not compute.
[His head explodes.]
I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has
been extinct since the 2200's.
Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about
the time your people arrived on Earth
wasn't it, Zoidberg?
(defensively) I'm not on trial here.
So none of you has ever had anchovies?
Oh, man! You don't know what you're
missing. They were all salty and oily
and they melted in your mouth and --
Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate
them all! We kept saying "One more can't
hurt" and then they were gone. We're
[He holds his claws to his head and hangs it in shame. Fry sighs.]
I just wished I could've showed you
guys how great they were. I may be rich
but I still can't buy back all the things
I miss from the 20th century.
Maybe you're forgetting just how rich
you are. Huh? Huh?
[Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. A banner outside advertises
"With Original Asbestos". On the steps Fry shakes hands with
the landlord and moves in.]
[Historic 20th Century Apartment. Amy, Bender and Leela are already
in there. Amy picks up the telephone is puzzlement and puts the
receiver over her eyes. Enter Fry.]
So? What do you think?
I know you spent a lot of money on this
place, Fry, but it's awfully primitive.
The floors are made of such hard wood.
Hey! Get a load of this pathetic 20th
What's wrong with it?
Well, aside from causing eye cancer,
these things had a lousy low-definition
That's true. On a TV like this I bet
you couldn't even make out my obscene
[She rolls her sleeve up to reveal her obscene tattoo which appears
blurry. Bender whistles and Leela chuckles.]
[Staadgi & Staadgi Auctioneers. In the crowded room Fry bids
I just don't get it. Who was this Ted
Danson? And why would you pay $10,000
for his skeleton?
I have an idea for a sitcom.
Ah, leave him alone, Leela. So he's
going a little wacko with his money.
You're just saying that because he bought
you that antique robot toy.
Yeah, it is cute.
[He starts playing with a "Knock 'Em, Sock 'Em" toy. One little
robot punches the other's head off and Bender screams.]
Now, our final item: This unopened can
of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa
The last known can in existence guaranteed
fresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000?
[A rich Decapodian woman stands up.]
30! No, 40!
[The other bidders whisper to each other.]
Are you crazy? It's a can of old fish.
Don't tell me how to spend my money.
50 going once, twice...
[He raises his gavel but is interrupted by Mom.]
[The room gasps. Mom is stood at the back of the room with the
three men from the picture in the ad.]
Oh, my God, it's Mom! I've never seen
her in person before.
[More whispering from the bidders.]
Fry, you can't bid against Mom. She's
the richest, most powerful person in
the world. And she's so adorable.
[Mom looks in her purse.]
Well, I suppose I could go as high as...300,000.
Oh, mercy be. A million.
I can see the nice young man really
wants those little fish. Nevertheless,
I'll bid 23 million.
[Fry stands up and raises his hand.]
One jillion dollars.
[The bidders gasp in shock.]
Sir, that's not a number.
[The bidders gasp again.]
Oh. In that case, 50 million.
[Mom turns to three men behind her.]
Well, boys, your old mother knows when
she's been beat. You win, young man.
I tip my bonnet to you.
[The other bidders murmur.]
Isn't she adorable?
Isn't she sweet?
[The auctioneer bangs his gavel.]
What a class act! Sold! To the gentleman
who bought every item in today's auction.
[Fry stands up an cheers himself but the other bidders boo him.]
[Historic 20th Century Apartment. Fry wanders around the room
in the dark and picks up a box.]
Now for some good old 20th century TV.
[He puts a video tape into the VCR.]
Do you remember a time when chocolate
chip cookies came fresh from the oven?
Petridge Farm remembers.
Ah, those were the days.
Do you remember a time when women couldn't
vote and certain folk weren't allowed
on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.
[A knock at the door.]
Fry? Are you there?
[Enter Leela and Bender. Fry turns the TV off.]
You haven't been to work in three days.
What have you been doing?
I've been sitting right here. I picked
up my life exactly where I left off
a thousand years ago. Now if you'll
excuse me it's 8 o'clock. Time to get
[Fry turns the stereo on and listens to Baby Got Back by Sir
Mix-a-lot. Leela turns it off.]
You can't just sit here in the dark
listening to classical music.
I could if you hadn't turned on the
lights and shut off the stereo.
Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living
in the past.
I'm rich! I can live whenever I want.
But we're your friends and we live here
in the year 3000.
Yeah. Now are you gonna come to the
squid fights with us or sit here wallowing
in your prehistoric junk?
Junk? Maybe you can't understand this
but I've finally found what I need to
be happy, and it's not friends: It's
[He gets up and walks towards the door. Bender turns around.]
I'm a thing.
Just leave me alone.
[Fry opens the door and Leela and Bender walk out.]
Fry please. My ponytail's caught in
I don't need them. Not when I have my
antique videos, my bucket of fossilised
KFC and 50 million dollars worth of
[He kisses the tin of anchovies.]
[Mom's Friendly Robot Company Building Corridor. Mom walks towards
her office, followed by her sons.]
Mercy me, what a day.
[Cut to: Mom's Office.]
Could you shut the door, Igner dear?
I think I feel a draught coming on.
Holy crap, that bastard's itchy! Walt!
[Walt is the oldest. He has a full head of black hair.]
Right away, mother. Larry, get your
mother a cream soda.
But Mom said --
[Walt slaps him.]
You heard me.
[Mom drinks the can of soda, throws it down then lights a cigarette.]
What's wrong, Mommy?
It's those damned anchovies. That dirtbag,
Fry, must know their secret. And I won't
rest until I get my hands on them. No
one messes with Mom!
[She laughs evily. Walt laughs with her. Larry and Igner join
in. Walt slaps Larry.]
[Time Lapse. Mom is now sat behind a huge desk.]
As you boys know, one of the cornerstones
of my empire is Mom's Old Fashioned
Robot Oil. Think of it: 10 billion robots.
Each one needing an oil change every
3000 miles. You don't have to do the
math to know that's a buttload of oil.
Can I wear your fat suit?
(shouting): No, Igner, put that down.
[Igner drops the fat suit arm.]
What does this have to do with the anchovies?
I'm getting to the freaking anchovies.
A single drop of the anchovies natural
oil would lubricate 10 robots permanently.
Wow, it's a shame they went extinct.
No it isn't, shut your filthy trap!
(talking) Thank you, Walt. If anyone
ever got a hold of anchovy DNA, they
could chop out the oil-making gene,
stick it in a bunch of third world kids
and bam! Cheap effective robot oil.
Enough to put dear old Mom out of businness.
My God! This Mr. Fry must be a mastermind
of the highest order.
[Cut to: Historic 20th Century Apartment. Fry is sat in the dark
watching Sanford & Son.]
Esther, you ugly!
[Cut to: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Building: Mom's Office.]
We have only one option: We'll have
to bankrupt Mr Fry, so he'll be forced
to sell the anchovies to us.
Mother, you are one clever old skag!
And don't you forget it!
But how are we supposed to get Fry's
money out of the bank?
That part will be easy, thanks to the
nice people at Mom's Old Fashioned Video
[She puts another tape in. The scene at Big Apple Bank replays
on the TV.]
TELLER [ON TV]
Do you still remember your PIN number?
FRY [ON TV]
Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza
and a large soda back where I used to
work, Panucci's Pizza. It's the price
of a cheese pizza and a large soda --
[Mom turns the TV off.]
You know what needs to be done.
Get his PIN number, you idiots! (talking)
Now I'm off to some chairty BS for knocked-up
[Historic 20th Century Apartment. There is a knock at the door.]
WALT [FROM OUTSIDE]
Mr. Fry. It's those three plumbers you
LARRY [FROM OUTSIDE]
We're here to tighten your drains.
[The sounds of Walt's hand meeting Larry's face is heard. Fry
opens the door.]
I didn't order any --
[Walt and Igner jump on Fry and pin him to the floor.]
Quick! Give him the tranquilliser.
[Larry puts some tablets in Fry's mouth and strokes them down
That's a good boy.
[Fry falls unconscious.]
[Pizzeria Set. Fry comes around and sees a disguised Walt wearing
a fake handlebar moustache.]
Wake up, Mr. Fry.
Where am I?
You're in the good old year 2000, working
here at Panucci's Pizza. You fell asleep
on the job.
That sounds like me but, I thought I
got frozen. Wasn't I in the future?
No, you only "dreamed" you were in the
So I'm really back? That's exactly what
I wanted, I guess. Who are you?
I'm Mr. Panucci.
You are? Did you grow a moustache since
[Walt tears off the moustache.]
No. Now go work the currency register.
I think I hear a customer coming...I
said "I think I hear a customer coming"!
[Cut to: Backstage. Larry is forcing a dress over Igner's head.
Pamela Anderson's head in jar is on a table.]
Hurry up, please. I wanna get back to
the head museum.
Don't worry, Miss Anderson, this won't
take long. Now, your motivation is you're
back in the year 2000 and your head's
still on your body, and you want a cheese
[He picks up the jar and puts it on Igner's head.]
OK, but I'm only doing this so people
will take my head seriously as an actress.
[Cut to: Pizzeria Set. Fry notices something on a sign above
Hey, look! Anchovies!
Of course. They're not extinct yet.
And if you need further proof that this
is really a thousand years ago well,
here's contemporary actress, Pamela
[Enter Pamela Anderson on top of Igner.]
Hello, Fry. Remember me from Baywatch:
It was the first movie to be shot entirely
in slow motion.
[Walt leans in to Anderson.]
It hasn't been made yet.
[Walt shakes his head.]
Wait. You're Pamela Anderson! Cool!
What can I get you?
Oh, I'll have a cheese pizza and a large...uh...line?
[Larry whispers from backstage.]
Oh, right! Cheese pizza and a large
Uh, cheese and a -- That was quick!
So. What do I owe you?
10.77. Same as my PIN number.
[Walt, Larry, Igner and Anderson laugh. Fry is unsure of what
is happening so just laughs along with them.]
Hey, you don't get to laugh.
[He hits Fry on the head with Anderson's jar.]
[Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. A white limo pulls
up outside and the brothers throw Fry out onto the pavement.
There are bags of money in the limo.]
[Cut to: Limo. Igner is driving.]
Thanks a billion!
[He laughs. Larry counts the cash in the back.]
More like 4.3 billion!
[He laughs with Igner. Walt slaps them both.]
[The limo speeds off and Fry blacks out into a dream.]
[Cut to: Fry's Dream. Pizza's, 1077's and anchovy tins float
around him. Leela's and Bender's heads float towards him.]
Oh, I had a nightmare I was in the year
2000 and you guys never existed. I'm
so glad I'm awake now and you're really
Since when do you care about us?
We thought you only cared about cans
of anchovies and stuffy old songs about
No, that's not true!
[Leela and Bender float away.]
[A pack of Lightspeeds appear in the corner.]
[Fry comes to. A repobot walks out of his apartment with his
Bender! Leela! Don't leave me. Wait
a minute! Hey, buddy what year is this?
3000? Yes! I'm still in the future!
Life is wonderful! Wait! What are you
doing with my stuff?
Uh, check bounced. We're taking it all
Oh, no, my ATM card! My secret PIN number!
1077. I've got nothing left. Except...
[He pulls the tin of anchovies out of his sock.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Bender are sat on the couch
and Farnsworth is sat at the table.]
You're Fry's relative. Do you have any
idea how he got so crazy?
Uh, wha? Oh, yes, they say madness runs
in our family. Some even call me mad!
And why? Because I dared to dream of
my own race of atomic monsters. Atomic
supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies
that suck blood out of...
[He walks out still blabbering. Enter Fry.]
Leela! Bender! I missed you so much!
You did? What happened?
I was robbed. They got everything except
[He holds up the anchovies.]
[Leela gasps at something across the room. Mom is stood in the
doorway wearing her fat suit.]
I felt terrible when I heard about your
money troubles and I thought maybe I
could help out a sweet young man by
buying his anchovies.
Sorry. But the anchovies aren't for
What? Listen, you little bastard. I
control the robot oil business and I
won't let you ruin me. How much do you
You might as well put that chequebook
away, because I've discovered something
even more important. My friends. And
they aren't worth even a penny to me.
That's why these anchovies are going
on a pizza, so I can share the food
I love with the people I like.
Holy hell! You're going to eat them?
Oh, well. Just make sure you eat them
all. You're a growing boy. Toodle-oo!
What a nice lady!
[Time Lapse. The whole staff except for Zoidberg are gathered
around the table. Fry opens the tin of anchovies.]
OK, my friends. Get ready for the most
delicious extinct animal you've ever
I don't know, I've had cow. Ew! Gross!
Ah, no one likes them at first but they'll
grow on you.
[Enter Zoidberg. He sniffs.]
That stench. That heavenly stench!
There aren't any more. And there never
[Zoidberg tips the table over and moves towards Fry, raising
More! More! More! More!