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                                        FUTURAMA

                                      Episode 410

                                 "A LEELA OF HER OWN"

                                          By

                                   Patric M. Verrone

                        Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



               
               [Opening Credits. Caption: Scratch Here To Reveal Prize.]

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Fry looks out of the window through 
               a pair of binoculars. Leela, Bender and Farnsworth sit at the 
               table.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh put down the binoculars Fry. The 
                         wall of that strip club isn't going 
                         to collapse twice in one day.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         I know, and I've grown to accept that. 
                         Now I'm more interested in that new 
                         pizza parlour across the street. Kinda 
                         makes me pine for my days as a pizza 
                         delivery boy. "Here's you pizza," I'd 
                         say. "I didn't order any," they'd say. 
                         And then I'd be off to my next adventure.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         That story stunk. Hand me the binoculars. 
                          I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.
 
                         
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Cygnoids? On our block? Flying foo! 
                         They should go back where they came 
                         from.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Professor please. Society's never gonna 
                         make any progress until we all learn 
                         to pretend to like each other. Now lets 
                         go over there and make these hideous 
                         strangers feel welcome.
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         No.

               
               [Family Bros. Pizza. The owners are a man and woman. They looks 
               like giant fat insects with little antennae and thoraxes, but 
               they have the same limbs as humans; two arms, two legs, four 
               fingers on each hand. They are dress in the same way as some 
               Italian immigrants and have vaguely Italian accents. They stand 
               in the middle of their restaurant awaiting customers.]
 
               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         You sure about these chairs? Guidebook 
                         says human legs bend down at knee.
 
                         
               
               [The points at the chairs which have an extra part on the seat 
               that bends up.]
 
               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         It's OK Mama, anyone complains, I bend 
                         legs up for free.  Ooo customers!  Welcome 
                         to Earth pizza store. Here, sit, I bend 
                         knees for you.
 
               
               [Bender sits down and the Cygnoid bends his legs up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Ooo that's a-comfy!

               
               [Fry and Leela sit down themselves.]

               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         OK, now, what kind of pizza goes in 
                         you?  Silt? Asbestos? We got guano - 
                         very fresh!
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Uh, hmm, do you have any food?

               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         Here, try a deep dish pizza.  Contains 
                         four kind of things.
 
               
               [The Cygnoid woman cuts the "pizza" and some blue ooze oozes 
               out. Fry and Leela reluctantly taste it and spit it out.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I don't mean to offend but this tastes 
                         like vomit.
 
               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         (happy) Thank you.

               
                                     LEELA
                         No, actually I did mean to offend a 
                         little. This is awful.
 
               
               [The Cygnoids shout at each other in Cygnoid and then burst into 
               tears.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey hey, what's wrong? Was it something 
                         Leela said?
 
               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         (crying) We come to Earth to start new 
                         life. Raise fat spoiled Earth kids, 
                         hang many underwear from Earth clothesline, 
                         live Earthican dream.
 
               
               [They cry more.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Aww, don't cry foreign people. I used 
                         to work in a pizzeria and as soon as 
                         I stop hallucinating and blasting puke, 
                         I'm gonna teach you to sell pizza - 
                         Earth style!
 
               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         Oh thank you magic biped!

               
               [She kisses his feet.]

               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         You save us sir, if we cannot make Earth 
                         pizza our dream will die. Just like 
                         rats we crushed to make the wine.
 
                         
               
               [Fry spits out the wine all over Bender's face and Bender spits 
               it back.]
 
               
               [Time Lapse. Fry teaches the Cygnoids all about pizzeria's.]
 
               
               
                                     FRY
                         For starters, only use quality ingredients. 
                         Case in point: No more live bees.  Oregano 
                         works equally well. And when you put 
                         pizzas in the oven, don't get in with 
                         them.
 
               
               [He opens the oven door and a Cygnoid inside immediately closes 
               it.]
 
               
                                     CYGNOID #2
                         Hey, ocupado!

               
                                     FRY
                         Most important of all is the big screen 
                         TV. Human families need a TV when they're 
                         eating so they don't have to talk to 
                         each other.  Ah, the Earthican pasttime, 
                         blernsball!
 
               
               [The pitcher pitches the ball and Bob Uecker commentates.]

               
                                     UECKER [ON TV]
                         Mulligan drives the ball, it's going, 
                         going and caught by the shortstop. Man 
                         I haven't seen play this bad since the 
                         days of Bob Uecker! This is Bob Uecker 
                         saying thanks for watching!
 
               
               [The Cygnoids watch in puzzlement.]

               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         Mets? Shortstop? Pinching the hitter? 
                         I don't understand this blernsball.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Well if you're going to be Earthicans 
                         we'll have to teach you. How about your 
                         pizzeria plays a game against Planet 
                         Express? Oh but you'll need nine players.
 
                         
               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         No problem!

               
               [She shouts in Cygnoid and seven Cygnoids climb out of the oven.]
 
               
               
                                     CYGNOID #2
                         Play the ball!

               
               [Central Park. People dine at the Cavern On The Green caf and 
               a dog catches what it thinks is a frisbee. The frisbee opens 
               and some little aliens shout at the dog. On the blernsball pitch 
               the teams get ready for their game. Farnsworth doesn't play and 
               shouts from the stand.]
 
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) Go team! Beat those no good 
                         Cygnoids! Show them they stink at a 
                         game they've never played before!
 
                         
               
               [Leela is the pitcher and the Cygnoid man goes up to bat.]

               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         Ah, this is why I love Earth! Beautiful 
                         star brightened day, friendly blernsball 
                         game with chum pals! So pleasant for 
                         everybody.
 
               
               [Leela throws the ball and it hits him on the head and knocks 
               him over.]
 
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Hit by a pitch, take your base.

               
               [Leela gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) Sorry about that, I guess 
                         I needed a few more warm-up pitches.
 
                         
               
               [Another Cygnoid steps up.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         No batter! No batter!  No batter anymore.
 
                         
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Take your base.

               
                                     LEELA
                         (shouting) I didn't mean to hit you, 
                         I have some trouble with depth perception.
 
                         
               
                                     CYGNOID #2
                         Yeah, me too now.

               
               [A third Cygnoid goes to bat.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Hey batter batter batter! Hey batter 
                         batter batter! Hey batter batter!  Duck!
 
                         
               
                                     SCRUFFY
                         Take your base.

               
               [A crowd of people gathers around and starts watching the game. 
               Another Cygnoid goes to bat.]
 
               
                                     CYGNOID #3
                         Please lady, I want to live. Can I use 
                         bat to protect head?
 
               
               [Leela's ball hits him.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Apparently not.

               
               [The crowd applauds.]

               
                                     MAN
                         Check out the one eyed bean machine!
 
                         
               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         Hooray! I make a score point!

               
               [The Planet Express team gathers around Leela.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Leela, you beaned a run-in. You'd better 
                         let me pitch.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         But I've got a no-hitter going.  You're 
                         right. Here.
 
               
               [She throws the ball at his face. The crowd cheers.]

               
                                     RANDY
                         Don't take her out, she's a firecracker!
 
                         
               
               [Leela walks into the Commissioner of the URFL.]

               
                                     COMMISSIONER
                         Excuse me, I'd like to talk to you.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Am I under arrest?

               
                                     BENDER
                         Wait I know you. You're the sleabag 
                         who owns the Ultimate Robot Fighting 
                         League.
 
               
                                     COMMISSIONER
                         Not anymore. Now I'm the sleazebag who 
                         owns the New New York Mets.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         The Mets? Those bums are worse than 
                         me.
 
               
                                     COMMISSIONER
                         Close to it. But they don't draw a crowd 
                         like you. Which is why I wanna sign 
                         you to the team.
 
               
               [Leela gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         You mean I'd be the first woman ever 
                         to play major league blernsball?
 
               
                                     COMMISSIONER
                         Well yeah but basically you'd just be 
                         a publicity stunt. I figured a one-eyed 
                         lady skull buster might bring out the 
                         freakshow crowd.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Wow, the first woman ever to play major 
                         league blernsball.
 
               
                                     COMMISSIONER
                         Again yeah, but basically you'd -

               
               [Leela jumps into the air.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Yippee!

               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela is kitted out in her Mets uniform 
               that looks like the one from the 1980's and 7/8 is printed on 
               the back. She turns around to the rest of the crew.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ta-da! The first woman ever to play 
                         major league blernsball. How do I look?
 
                         
               
                                     HERMES
                         Like a sexy Yogi Berra!

               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         Why is your number seven-eight's?

               
                                     LEELA
                         All the whole numbers have been retired.
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         Wow, I must say I'm impressed. You look 
                         just like a ball player. Can I pat you 
                         on the butt?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Fry I'm a professional athlete! So go 
                         ahead.
 
               
               [Fry stops halfway.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Ohh, now I'm too nervous.

               
               [Shea Stadium. The Mets play the Swedish Meatballs. The Mets 
               are at 0 while the Swedish Meatballs are ahead at 15.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Commentary Box.]

               
                                     UECKER
                         Well folks it's only the fifth inning 
                         but the Swedes have already turned this 
                         one into a laffer. And that's with two 
                         F's. The crowd is pouring out of the 
                         stadium LA style.
 
               
               [Cut to: Bleachers. The Mets fans start to leave.]

               
               [Cut to: Mets' Bench. Leela sits on the bench watching the game 
               with the manager. Enter the Commissioner.]
 
               
                                     COMMISSIONER
                         Skipper, we're losing the crowd. Put 
                         it our new novelty act - Leela.
 
               
               [Leela gasps. The skipper kicks the ground.]

               
                                     SKIPPER
                         Darn it! I already put in the circus 
                         clown.
 
               
               [Behind them the clown cartwheels across the pitch and honks 
               a horn.]
 
               
                                     COMMISSIONER
                         Yeah but he bunted. Clowns are only 
                         funny when they swing away.
 
               
               [Cut to: Pitch.]

               
               
               [Leela walks out onto the pitch.]

               
               [Cut to: Bleachers. The leaving crowd doesn't react.]

               
               
               [The crowd turns around in curiosity. A woman cheers Leela.]
 
               
               
                                     WOMAN
                         Woo! Come on! Throw like a girl!

               
               [The Planet Express crew cheer.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Go Leela!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Come on girl!

               
                                     AMY
                         (shouting) Too much eyeliner!

               
               [Cut to: Pitch. Leela stands ready to throw the ball and a batter 
               takes his position.]
 
               
                                     UECKER
                         (voice-over) This is history in the 
                         making folks. Bjornson steps up to the 
                         plate and Leela delivers.
 
               
               [Leela throws the ball and hits Bjornson in the face, knocking 
               him over.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Bleachers. The crowd gasps.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Bullseye!

               
               [Cut to: Pitch. Bjornson gets up and staggers away.]

               
                                     UECKER
                         (voice-over) Ooo! An inauspicious start 
                         for the career of the first woman blernsballer. 
                          An inauspicious continuation for the 
                         career of the first woman blernsballer.
 
                         
               
               [Leela kicks the ground in frustration. The crowd chuckles. A 
               man dusts the batter off and the batter hands him some cash and 
               leaves. Another batter steps up.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Bleachers.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         (chanting) Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! 
                         Bean! Bean! Bean...
 
               
               [Cut to: Pitch. Leela throws again, the ball curls around the 
               back of the player and knocks him out from behind. The crowd 
               cheers.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Commentary Box.]

               
                                     UECKER
                         Ouch! It's a three bean-ball salad. 
                         The Mets fans love it though and who 
                         can blame them? They haven't had much 
                         to cheer about this year -
 
               
               [The ball flies up to the box and smashes Uecker's jar. The crowd 
               cheers.]
 
               
               [NNY Mets Locker Room. The male players wander around with black 
               bars over their unmentionables. Leela sits sadly on a bench but 
               the Commissioner doesn't seem to notice.]
 
               
                                     COMMISSIONER
                         Kid that was great! You got us more 
                         publicity than a cowboy in a shark tank. 
                         Poor Tex, he was quite a shark.
 
               
               [Enter Bender dressed in a grooby suit, shades and a headset 
               phone. The trips ocver the wire from the black bar generator 
               and pulls the plug from the socket. The black bars around the 
               players go down and they cover themselves.]
 
               
                                     MAN #1
                         Hey!

               
                                     MAN #2
                         Hey!

               
                                     MAN #3
                         C'mon!

               
               [Another man looks around and throws his hands in the air.]
 
               
               
                                     MAN #4
                         I win!

               
                                     BENDER
                         Oop! Sorry.

               
               [He plugs the plug back in and the black bars reappear.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender, how did you get in here?

               
               
                                     LEELA
                         Since when are you my agent?

               
               [Bender's phone rings.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         Quiet, call coming in.  Yeees...? A 
                         big endorsement deal for Leela? How 
                         much...? Hey! You put a one and two 
                         zeroes in front of that or we pass...! 
                         Deal!
 
               
               [He hangs up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Bender that's great! How much did you 
                         get me?
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         (impressed) One hundred dollars.

               
               [Ancestor & Sons Ad Agency. Leela stands behind a camera in front 
               of a backdrop. She holds a tin of beans and reads off an autocue.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         (reading) As a pitcher, I serve up plenty 
                         of bean-balls, so I know good beans 
                         when I see them. Bean-Bay Beans - they're 
                         the beaniest!
 
               
               [She smiles weakly.]

               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Cut!

               
               [Shea Stadium. The Mets play the Pituitary Giants with the score 
               17-2 to the Giants.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Bleachers. Fans have set up Leela's Bean Counter. A 
               woman hangs a fourth huge picture of a bean over the railings.]
 
               
               
                                     UECKER
                         (voice-over) In very short order Leela 
                         has become a fan favourite.
 
               
               [Cut to: Pitch. Leela knocks over another player and some paramedics 
               drag him into an ambulance. The ambulance moves around the pitch 
               to first base. There are three other ambulances moving from base 
               to base.]
 
               
               [NNY Mets Locker Room. Leela dresses. Enter Bender.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         You're the best babe!  Hang on call 
                         comin' in.  What's that...? Hey you 
                         put a one and two zeroes in front of 
                         that or we pass...! Deal!
 
               
               [He hangs up.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         So what did you get me?

               
                                     BENDER
                         (impressed) A thousand and one pesos!
 
                         
               
               [Ancestor & Sons Ad Agency. Leela shoots another bean advert 
               but this time in Spanish.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Yo soy muy malo en lanzar, pero yo soy 
                         muy bueno en comer frijoles. Come los 
                         Bean Bay frijoles, los frijoles de los 
                         reyes.
 
               
                                     DIRECTOR
                         Cut! OK, now do one with bean suit on!
 
                         
               
               [A man holds up a huge bean suit with a face wearing a Mets blernsball 
               cap.]
 
               
               [Outside Family Bros. Pizza. The Cygnoids have strung a banner 
               over the doorway reading Leela Autograph Session - Bring Money. 
               A line of people has formed outside.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Family Bros. Pizza. Leela is sat dressed in her Mets 
               uniform at a table at the far end of the room signing books while 
               the Cygnoids sell pizza to her fans. Fry leans against the counter 
               with a smile on his face.]
 
               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         Leela really bringing in the customers.
 
                         
               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         This keep up we need to buy second sauce 
                         toilet.
 
               
               [A little girl stands in front of Leela holding a magazine.]
 
               
               
                                     GIRL
                         When I grow up I want to injure men 
                         by throwing stuff at them just like 
                         you Leela! Will you sign my magazine?
 
                         
               
               [She hands her a copy of Sports Illustrated with a picture of 
               Leela on the cover and the caption "Leela's Beans: The Mets' 
               Magical Fruit."]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Aww, sure thing sweetie. Who should 
                         I make it out to?
 
               
                                     GIRL
                         Well, uh...to eBay?

               
                                     LEELA
                         That's a popular name today. Little 
                         "e" big "B"?
 
               
               [The girl nods and smiles, Leela signs the magazine and the girl 
               takes it and leaves. Another girl hands Leela a magazine. Bender 
               chuckles and presses some buttons on a calculator.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Five bucks an autograph, 200 fans. Add 
                         a one and two zeros in front of that 
                         and we got ourselves a wad!
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm not doing this for the wad. I'm 
                         doing it for all the struggling female 
                         athletes who need a role model.
 
               
               [The woman who cheered Leela from the crowd in her first blernsball 
               game steps forward.]
 
               
                                     WOMAN
                         Yeah, a role model in how to stink!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         What? Who are you?

               
                                     WOMAN
                         Jackie Anderson. I'm on the blernsball 
                         team at NNYU and I was hoping to get 
                         to play in the majors soon.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, following in my footsteps?

               
                                     JACKIE
                         Pft, God forbid! Your little freakshow 
                         is making it impossible for real female 
                         ball players to be taken seriously. 
                         I hope you're proud of yourself.
 
               
               [She leaves. Leela's lip wobbles and a tear trickles down her 
               face. Bender turns to the crowd.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Alright shows over no refunds, you heard 
                         the robot get out!
 
               
               [Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, still in her uniform, sits on 
               the couch with the rest of the crew sat and standing around her.]
 
               
               
                                     LEELA
                         I'm a fool. The fans haven't been cheering 
                         for me, they've been cheering at me.
 
                         
               
                                     AMY
                         Don't be upset Leela. You, um...you 
                         look really cute in your uniform.
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         (crying) That's what makes it so sad. 
                         I thought I was doing something heroic.
 
                         
               
                                     BENDER
                         You are. What about that little girl 
                         you visited in the hospital? You know 
                         the one I mean? The one who died?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         You're right. I can't let people down 
                         anymore. As God as my witness, I vow 
                         to earn the respect of girls and women 
                         everywhere. I will become the best blernsball 
                         player of all time.
 
               
               [Hermes clears his throat. He is sat at the table looking at 
               a computer.]
 
               
                                     HERMES
                         That's statistically impossible. In 
                         77 innings you haven't gotten a single 
                         out. At this rate, you're sure to go 
                         down as the worst blernsball player 
                         of all time.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh. Then I have a new vow. I solemnly 
                         swear that I will become not the worst 
                         blernsball player of all time.
 
               
               [She thumps her glove, misses, and punches Farnsworth in the 
               face. Bender peers over his shades.]
 
               
               [Blernsball Hall Of Fame. Enter Fry, Leela and Bender. They walk 
               past exhibits such as the first ball hit into orbit, Mark McGwire's 
               bicep and the 2927 Yankees' heads all crammed into one jar. Fry 
               points at a display.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey look! The player's who broke the 
                         various colour barriers!
 
               
               [In the display case is a green alien, an orange alien a purple 
               alien and racially superior alien from the Star Trek episode 
               Let That Be Your Last Battlefield.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         When will Man learn that all races are 
                         equally inferior to robots?
 
               
               [Cut to: Worst Player In History Exhibit. The trio walk into 
               a small room. There is a hologram of a blernsball player sat 
               on a chair surrounded by photo's of his "triumphs."]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Ah, here we are - the worst player in 
                         history. If I can be just a little better 
                         than him I can slink away with my head 
                         held high.
 
               
               [Bender reads something.]

               
                                     BENDER
                         It says he once struck out when his 
                         tongue got stuck to an unusually cold 
                         bat.
 
               
               [Fry looks at a photo.]

               
                                     FRY
                         And here he is trying to make a catch 
                         with an oven mit.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         It's even a crummy hologram.

               
               [She knocks the hologram's head. It moves.]

               
                                     AARON JR
                         I'm not a hologram, though I am crummy. 
                          Hank Aaron XXIV.
 
               
               [Leela shakes his hand.]

               
                                     FRY
                         Hank Aaron XXIV? How could you play 
                         so blowfully? The original Hank Aaron 
                         was great!
 
               
               [A voice comes from behind them. The original Hank Aaron's head 
               in a jar.]
 
               
                                     AARON SR
                         No I was better than great. I was the 
                         home run king!
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Neat!

               
               [He takes a photo.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         So Hank - the bad Hank, just how blowful 
                         were you?
 
               
                                     AARON JR
                         Well, I have a low batting average.
 
                         
               
                                     AARON SR
                         Low? It was zero you fungo! You went 
                         your whole career without getting a 
                         hit.
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Leela could beat that. She's pitched 
                         her whole career without getting an 
                         out.
 
               
               [Aaron Sr laughs.]

               
                                     AARON SR
                         You stink lady! Hey Junior, she belongs 
                         in the exhibit instead of you.
 
               
                                     AARON JR
                         Forget it. This job's too cushy to give 
                         up.  Aah Wade Boggs, goes down smooth!
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         Look, I don't wanna be in this exhibit. 
                         That's why I need your help - so I can 
                         be one tiny iota less pathetic than 
                         you.
 
               
                                     AARON JR
                         Oh I can't help you play better than 
                         Tiny Iota, that guy was great! But I'll 
                         teach you everything I know.
 
               
               [Central Park. Leela stands on a pitcher's mound holding a blernsball, 
               Aaron Jr holds a bat and Fry is backstop.]
 
               
                                     AARON JR
                         OK, let's see what you can do.

               
                                     BENDER
                         One thing she can do is lodge a ball 
                         in the depth centre of your brain. You 
                         better get a batting helmet.
 
               
               [Aaron takes Bender's head off and uses it as a helmet. He lifts 
               Bender's teeth so he can see.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (quietly) Alright, low and away!

               
               [She throws the ball and knocks Aaron down. Bender picks his 
               head up and staggers around disorientated.]
 
               
                                     AARON JR
                         OK try it again but this time keep your 
                         eye off the ball.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         You mean "keep your eye on the ball"?
 
                         
               
                                     AARON JR
                         Hey lady, which one of us is in the 
                         hall of fame?
 
               
               [He holds up the bat. Fry whispers to him.]

               
                                     FRY
                         (whispering) Psst, you're holding the 
                         bat upside down.
 
               
                                     AARON JR
                         Just pitch the ball.

               
                                     LEELA
                         OK, eye off the ball.

               
               [She throws the ball without looking at it, Aaron swings, misses 
               and Fry catches the ball.]
 
               
                                     BENDER
                         Strike!

               
                                     FRY
                         Hooray!

               
                                     AARON JR
                         You did it Leela!

               
                                     LEELA
                         I didn't hit the batter! For once I 
                         was pitching and not just belly-itching!
 
                         
               
                                     AARON JR
                         Oh you got that too? I think there's 
                         a rash goin' around.
 
               
               [He scratches his stomach.]

               
               [Outside Fenway Park. On the wall outside is a sign saying Home 
               Of The Green Monster.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Pitch. The Green Monster plays the blernsball tune.]
 
               
               
               [Cut to: Commentary Box.]

               
                                     UECKER
                         Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the 
                         Boston Poindexters where the Mets close 
                         out a season that'll rank among mankind's 
                         most awful crimes.
 
               
               [Cut to: Family Bros. Stand. The Cygnoids sell pizza to blernsball 
               fans. Fry smiles.]
 
               
                                     FRY
                         Hey! You opened a franchise!

               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         Yes. Our biggest seller is Leela's Bean 
                         Pizza. Six kinds of beans, plus several 
                         things that look like beans.
 
               
               [Fishy Joe eats a slice.]

               
                                     FISHY JOE
                         Beans huh? Mmm, this is great! How to 
                         you make the crust so fizzy?
 
               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         Ah-ah-ah! Ancient Cygnoid secret!

               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         My husband, some hotshot! Here's his 
                         ancient Cygnoid secret!  Live hornets! 
                         We smush them right into dough!
 
               
                                     FISHY JOE
                         I don't care if there's horse manure 
                         in it!
 
               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         That's a-good!

               
                                     FISHY JOE
                         I wanna buy this franchise. How does 
                         $100,000 sounds?
 
               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         Forget it, we come to Earth to make 
                         pizza not money!
 
               
                                     CYGNOID WOMAN
                         No Blek! Other way around!

               
                                     CYGNOID MAN
                         Oh right, offer accepted!

               
               [He takes the cheque and Fry, Amy, Hermes and the Cygnoid woman 
               cheer.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Commentary Box.]

               
                                     UECKER
                         Well fans Boston's turning the last 
                         game into a real squeeeker! And that's 
                         with three "e's"! Two men on and they're 
                         down to their last out.
 
               
               [Cut to: Met's Bench. Leela is sat on the bench while the manager 
               watches the game.]
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Come on skipper, it's my last chance 
                         to prove I'm not the worst player ever. 
                         Please put me in.
 
               
                                     SKIPPER
                         No. We're actually winning this game. 
                         You only go in as a joke when we're 
                         eight runs behind. Or when our other 
                         pitchers sneak out early to beat the 
                         traffic.  (shouting) Come on! Lets see 
                         some fundamentals out there!  And not 
                         clown fundamentals.
 
               
               [Cut to: Pitch. A Boston player hits the ball and it bounces 
               over to the clown. Instead of throwing it to another player he 
               throws a pie instead.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Met's Bench. The skipper kicks the ground.]

               
                                     SKIPPER
                         Aw, darn, darn it! Now the bases are 
                         loaded. Isn't there a man on this team 
                         who can get one more out?
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I can.

               
                                     SKIPPER
                         I repeat: Isn't there a man on this 
                         team on this -
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         I've been training with Hank Aaron.
 
                         
               
               [The skipper turns around.]

               
                                     SKIPPER
                         You've been training with the Hank Aaron?
 
                         
               
                                     LEELA
                         I've been training with a Hank Aaron.
 
                         
               
                                     SKIPPER
                         Alright then. Get in there and pitch 
                         like you've never pitched like you before!
 
                         
               
               [Leela runs onto the pitch.]

               
               [Cut to: Pitch. The Mets players' jaws drop and they hold their 
               hands to their heads.]
 
               
               
               [The crowd cheers.]

               
               [Cut to: Bleachers.]

               
                                     CROWD
                         (chanting) Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!
 
                         
               
               
                                     FARNSWORTH
                         (shouting) Go Leela!

               
                                     AMY
                         (shouting) Come on Leela!

               
                                     BENDER
                         (shouting) Put it right down the pike!
 
                         
               
                                     FRY
                         (shouting) Strike him out Leela! Do 
                         it for the hundreds of women everywhere!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Pitch. While the crowd continues chanting "bean" the 
               Boston skipper takes a batter out and replaces him.]
 
               
               
               [The crowd gasps as Jackie steps up to bat.]

               
               [Cut to: Commentary Box.]

               
                                     UECKER
                         Would you look at that! College blernsball's 
                         finest female hitter making her big 
                         league debut against pro-ball's worst 
                         female anything! I've never seen anything 
                         this bizzare - and I've seen Mr Belvendere 
                         naked! Woo!
 
               
               [Cut to: Pitch.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         (quietly) Keep cool, she's just like 
                         any other player. She puts on her sports 
                         bra one arm at a time.
 
               
               [She throws the ball and Jackie misses.]

               
                                     UMPIRE
                         Strike one!

               
               [The crowd gasps. Leela gasps.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Strike one - a personal best!

               
               [She throws again.]

               
                                     UMPIRE
                         Strike two!

               
               
               [Leela and Jackie wipe their brows.]

               
               [Cut to: Bleachers. Hermes wipes his brow with a sponge, and 
               squeezes it into a file marked Ballpark Sweat.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Pitch. Leela throws the ball, Jackie swings and hits 
               it. The elastic tightens and breaks.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Bleachers. The crowd look up and gasp. While they aren't 
               looking Bender chuckles and steals some drinks from the people 
               in front of him. Amy takes one too.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Pitch. The now free ball flies through the air and into 
               a target marked Hit It Here And Win The Game. The target lights 
               up, a bell rings, Jackie runs around the pitch, the giant rats 
               run out and the Slurm blimp crashes.]
 
               
               [Cut to: Commentary Box.]

               
                                     UECKER
                         A grand slam blern. The Mets lose, their 
                         season is over! And no question, Leela 
                         - the first woman ever to reach the 
                         majors will go down as the single worst 
                         player in the history of blernsball...!
 
                         
               
               [Cut to: Pitch. Leela walks sadly to the bench. Jackie jumps 
               around with joy and the Boston players lift her up.]
 
               
                                     UECKER
                         (voice-over) ...And yet tonight we have 
                         witnessed the beginning of a great career 
                         for the first woman to play the sport 
                         well - Jackie Anderson!
 
               
               [Cut to: Tunnel. Leela walks away from the celebrations hanging 
               her head in shame. Jackie pokes her head around the end of the 
               tunnel.]
 
               
                                     JACKIE
                         Leela?

               
               [Leela turns around.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Jackie. I guess you were right, I'm 
                         a lousy role model. I'm sorry.
 
               
                                     JACKIE
                         No, don't be. It turns out you were 
                         an inspiration afterall.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         (crying) I was?

               
                                     JACKIE
                         Uh-huh. You were so awful that women 
                         everywhere set out to prove that they 
                         don't stink as bad as you. You know, 
                         like a pig or something.
 
               
                                     LEELA
                         Oh, that's so kind of you. I guess I 
                         made a difference afterall!
 
               
                                     JACKIE
                         You absolutely did Leela. Now please, 
                         please retire! Immediately!
 
               
               [She leaves. Leela looks at the towel around her neck.]

               
                                     LEELA
                         Hey kid! Catch!

               
               [Jackie turns around, Leela throws the towel and knocks Jackie 
               over.]
 
               
               [Blernsball Hall Of Fame: Worst Player In History Exhibit. Aaron 
               Jr looks at a cardboard stand-up of Leela, standing where he 
               used to sit. He sighs.]
 
               
                                     AARON SR
                         Well, at least you're still the worst 
                         football player of all time.
 
               
                                     AARON JR
                         Yeah. Yeah.

               
               [He puts on his cap, turns out the lights and leaves.]

               
               THE END

               

A Leela Of Her Own



Writers :   Patric M. Verrone
Genres :   Animation  Comedy


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