"ANTHOLOGY OF INTEREST I"
Eric Rogers, Ken Keeler & David X. Cohen
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Painstakingly Drawn Before A Live
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The staff are assembled around
Good news, everyone! I've invented a
device that allows you to operate equipment
from great distances. I call it "the
fing-longer". Observe. And, here we
Pretty long, eh?
Yeah, it's really long. But what did
you just turn on with it?
Oh, that's just the What-If machine
I invented. You pose it a What-If question
and it generates a video simulation
of what would happen.
Does it really work?
Of course it works! It's just not very
Ooh! Ooh! I wanna aks it a question!
As a robot living among humans, I've
never really felt accepted at parties
or nude beaches. So I've always secretly
wondered: What if I was 500-feet tall?
Let's watch, shall we?
[What-If On the What-If machines screen a Bending Unit bends
a girder and fixes it to the shoulder of a 500-foot tall Bender.
Another throws a switch and giant Bender's eyelid opens. He scratches
his ass and belches.]
My work here is done!
[He blasts off and flies away. The other Bending Units salute
[What-If He flies towards Earth as Black Sabbath's Iron Man plays.]
[What-If Central Park Lake. Fry sighs.]
I'm so lonely since I came to the future.
Will you be my friend? Ow!
[A shadow creeps over Fry. He looks up and Bender falls on him.
Bender groans and sits up. Fry is wedged between his eyes. Fry
Who are you?
I'm a big robot and I want a big cereal!
You too? Will you be my friend?
[Bender holds out his hand.]
Put it there, pal! I meant your wallet.
[Montage: Fry and Bender play hide and seek as Hanson's Mmmbop
plays. Fry counts and looks for Bender behind some bushes and
under a rock even though it is more than obvious he is hiding
behind a tree. Bender giggles. Fry looks around and sees him
and they both laugh. Later they stand on a road bridge overlooking
a highway. They lean over and Fry spits on a car windscreen.
Bender spits a huge glob of oil onto the road. Cars skid and
pile up. Fry sternly shakes his finger at Bender. Back in the
park, they play Frisbee near a Hanson concert. Fry throws the
Frisbee, Bender leaps for it and crushes Hanson and the crowd.
He gets up and smiles at Fry. Fry hugs Bender's foot. The scene
ends with a heart wipe.]
[Newspaper Headline: "Robot Rampage: Thousands Dead. None Injured".]
[What-If New New York City Street. Troops march through the streets
with tanks behind them and planes overhead. Bender snaps a chimney
off "Kentucky Slim's Chicken-Flavoured Cigarettes" factory and
Oh, yeah! That calms the shakes. Hey!
(laughing) Aw, quit it1 Come on!
[Fry runs between the soldiers and Bender.]
(shouting) Stop! The robot's not your
enemy! He's just a poor, misunderstood--
[The soldiers shoot him and he screams and faints. Bender stamps
down the street and crushes troops. In a tank, Zapp and Kif watch.]
[Bender treads on them and Kif sighs. Bender sniffs and groans.
He rips up a telegraph pole and scrapes the tank off his foot.]
[What-If Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Amy, Hermes, Leela and
Farnsworth watch Bender's rampage.]
Well, there goes the neighbourhood.
There goes another neighbourhood.
We're jerked! Nothing can stop a monster
Nothing except and even equally big
monster. This is chance to try out my
experimental enlarging ray. But we'll
need a guinea pig.
[What-If Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four hide behind
a table, watching a guinea pig on a plate. Zoidberg passes the
door, sniffs and sees the guinea pig.]
What's this? Two meals in one week?
[He picks up the guinea pig and eats it. A tube comes down over
him and traps him. Amy laughs.]
Friends! Help! A guinea pig tricked
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg grows and emerges from
the hangar roof.]
So, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's
more like it! Who's intimidating who
now, big city? Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan
Bank. Deny my credit card application,
will you? Ah, the famed Apollo Theatre.
Boo me off stage on open-mike night,
huh? I'll show you!
[He kicks the building apart and picks up another one. Bender
Hey! I called this city. Quit touching
Tell it to claw.
[He holds up his claw to Bender.]
Bite my colossal metal ass!
[Zoidberg picks up a train and whips it around. Bender snaps
off part of a travel tube, sucks up some people and blows them
at Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams.]
[Bender dives on Zoidberg and knocks him into some buildings.
They roll across the city. Zoidberg kicks Bender off him, picks
up a building and uses a bridge to twang it at Bender. It misses
and hits a cliff. A "Luxury River View Apts" banner rolls out
from one of the windows. Bender rips up the Shea Stadium from
its foundations, scoops up some water and boils it with a fiery
(shouting) Who wants lobster bisque?
[Bender knocks him into the boiling water and he screams as he
disappears under. Bender laughs.]
[Bender turns around and looks down and sees Fry standing with
crayons and paper.]
Wanna make Shrinky Dinks?
[Bender leans over to Fry and Zoidberg appears from the water
and clips off Bender's feet at his ankles. Bender loses his balance
and falls over, impaling himself on a building. He groans, opens
his chest cabinet and sees the top of the building.]
Who put this in here?
[He slides down the building. Fry rushes forward from the crowd.]
Fry (screaming) Nooo! [He climbs onto Bender.] (talking) Are
you people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying! And we'll
never even know why he came.
I'll tell you ... with my final breath.
I came here with a simple dream: A
dream of killing all humans. And this
is how it must end? Who's the real 7-billion-ton
robot monster here? Not I. Not I.
Goodnight, sweet prince.
(voice-over) Interesting stuff. Stay
tuned for more Tales Of Interest!
[The What-If scenario ends.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Well, Leela, care to give the What-If
machine a whirl?
Maybe later. I-I mean, I don't know
what to ask about.
Come on, woman! Just pick something.
Yeah, be more impulsive. Like this.
[He picks up some Admiral Crunch, tips it on his head and pours
milk over it.]
Go, man! Go!
[Fry eats the cereal from his head.]
I can be really impulsive. It just takes
me a while. Alright, Professor! Let's
do it. Make that machine show me what
would happen if I was a little more
impulsive. Just a little. Not too much.
[What-If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Amy and Bender sat
around the table. Enter Leela.]
Hey, you guys. Look what I bought on
a wild impulse: New boots. They're like
my old ones but with a crazy green stripe.
Woo! Never know what I'm gonna do next!
[Fry hums and ladles some gravy onto a chicken that is on his
head. Leela sighs. Enter Farnsworth.]
Leela, could you come in here for a
moment. I have something important to
[What-If Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. He takes a plate of
raw meat out of a fridge.]
I can't live forever and I need an heir.
Someone to spend my vast riches and
take care of my man-eating anteaters
when I'm gone. The others simply aren't
level-headed enough. They're too impulsive.
Not like you. Not like old, predictable,
Hello? New boots!
[He turns his back to her and looks into the pit.]
That's why I've made you my sole heir.
The day I die, you'll be a very wealthy
woman. Oh, my, yes. Incredibly wealthy.
The day I die. Because you're so unimpulsive.
[She kicks Farnsworth into the pit.]
Farnsworth (shouting) Ooh! [The anteaters start to eat him.]
Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me!
Oh, God! What have I done?
Farnsworth I just told you, you've killed me!
[The anteaters finish him off. All that is left of him is his
skeleton and his lab coat. An anteater coughs up his glasses
onto his skull.]
[What-If Planet Express Corridor. Leela stands outside the lounge
rubbing her hands.]
OK, just try to be nonchalant.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks in whistling nonchalantly.]
Alright, so you're nonchalant. Quit
rubbing our noses in it.
Sweet giant anteater of Saint Anita!
The Professor's been eaten by giant
If y'ask me, it's mighty suspicious!
I'm gonna call the police ... right
after I flush some things.
Police? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens
I have mail order degrees in Murderology
and Murderonomy. Zoidberg is afoot!
[What If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Leela are sat
at the table. There are boxes scattered around Hermes and piles
of paper in front of him.]
Perhaps the Professor's files can clear
things up. (reading) "Citation for public
nudity", "Conspiracy to commit public
nudity". (talking) Aha! A new will!
Naming ... ... you as his sole heir.
That doesn't prove I killed him.
It's a video will. It shows you killing
[The will plays, showing Leela kicking Farnsworth into the pit.
Leela narrows her eye at Hermes. Hermes' jaw drops.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg leans over
the anteater pit. The sounds of Leela beating Hermes comes from
the meeting room.]
(from meeting room) Hi-yah!
Alright, anteater number one, who are
you protecting? Is it anteater number
two? Don't stick your tongue out at
me. I need a name! What? How do you
[The sound of hacking comes from the meeting room.]
(shouting; from meeting room) What are
you hacking off? Is it my torso? It
is! My precious torso!
ZoidbergL (shouting) Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela forces something down
the garbage disposal using the stick end of a plunger. Enter
Whatya got? Disposal trouble?
[Leela covers the disposal.]
No! Everything's just--
[He moves her aside and throws the plunger out the way.]
Sure is shocking about the Professor,
huh?. And now Hermes is mysteriously
missing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me,
Bender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks?
And his arm? Leela, I'm shocked. Food
goes in the disposal, hair and flesh
go in the trash!
I'm sorry, I couldn't stop-- W-Wait.
Don't you care that I murdered Hermes?
Not even a little. There's nothing wrong
with murder, just so long as you let
Bender wet his beak.
You're blackmailing me?
"Blackmail" is such an ugly word. I
prefer "extortion". The "X" makes it
sound cool. Please, honey, I'm made
of metal. Like you're really gonna hurt
me with a-- Hey! What are you doing
with that microwave?
[Leela smashes the glass on the microwave door and turns it on.
Bender sparks and falls to pieces.]
OK, that's it. No more killing! Next
time you feel like killing just have
a stick of gum. Now to dispose of the
[What-If Planet Express: Lounge. Leela drives a Bender-cart in.
She honks the horn.]
Wow! Sporty go-cart, Leela! So hip and
sexy. Not like you at all.
[Leela narrows her eye.]
Do you have any gum?
[Leela's shadow creeps over her and she screams.]
[What-If Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. The remaining Planet
Express staff, plus Cubert and Nibbler, are assembled in the
room. Zoidberg, still wearing the deerstalker, tips some tobacco
into his pipe then eats the whole thing. A man with a moustache
Ah, the gang's all here.
Who are you?
Scruffy, the janitor.
[He sits down.]
I've never seen you before.
I've never seen you before neither.
Quiet, please. I've called you all here
to the parlour to watch as I gradually
solve the crime. One of the people in
this room ... is a big murderer! You
see, the killer left one fatal clue:
This boot print on the Professor's lab
[He holds it up.]
Uh, couldn't be me. I never wear boots.
Ew! What smells like boot feet?
This is preposterous. Obviously the
[Leela turns the lights off and Cubert squeaks. The lights go
back on. There is now a sword through cubert. Scruffy gasps.]
My next clue came at 4.15, when the
clock stopped. And another came two
hours later at 4.15, when I discovered
the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased
[He opens the clock and Amy tumbles out, clutching some purple
Scruffy knows who killed them people.
In Scruffy's opinion, it were--
[Leela turns the lights off again and stabs Scruffy with the
same sword. The lights come back on.]
So, it's just as I suspected all along.
The crime is unsolvable! A letter from
Bender, my good friend. (reading) Dear
Dr. Jerkberg, if you're reading this,
I'm already dead. The person who killed
me was ... was-- My God! It can't be!
The murderer, it was--
I'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg.
I'm gonna go watch TV.
Could you get the lights on your way
[The lights go off.]
[What-If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela sits at the table
eating a plate of something red.]
Lobster. Want some?
Sure. Y'know, I think I finally figured
out what's behind all these mysterious
Was Planet Express built on an Indian
Then ... then ... it was you!
(crying) I don't know what came over
me. I killed one person on impulse.
Then I had to kill another. And another.
Well, that covers the first three killings.
And now, to make sure you won't talk,
I'm gonna have to do something really
[What-If Leela's Bedroom. Fry and Leela relax in bed. Leela sighs.]
So, Fry, what do you think of the impulsive
I like it!
Good. Now let me just get the lights.
[She turns the lights off. Fry screams.]
I really like it!
[The What-If scenario ends.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Who else has a question for the What-If
machine? Scruffy? Fry?
Um, I have a question. What if Bender
was really giant?
You idiot! We already saw that.
I know. I liked it. I wanna see it again.
We're not seeing it again! Ask something
Oh, alright. How 'bout this? What if
I never fell into that freezer-doodle
and came to the future-jiggy?
That question is less stupid, though
you asked it in a profoundly stupid
way. What would happen if Fry never
came to the future?
[He turns the crank and the What-If machine plays the scenario.]
[What-If It's December 31st 1999. Fry cycles past O'Grady's Pub.]
[What-If Applied Cryogenics. Fry steps out of the elevator on
the 64th floor and walks into the cryogenics lab.]
[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is as it was in the pilot.
He wipes the condensation off a tube and a different man is inside.]
Hello? Pizza delivery for ... Icy Wiener?!
Aw, crud! Here's to another lousy Millennium!
Ow! I should have left you floating
in the toilet!
[Behind him a blue hole opens. He turns around. Bender, Zoidberg,
Farnsworth and Leela are in the hole. They look around in confusion,
not noticing Fry.]
What is it?
It appears that the very fabric of space-time
[Bender sees Fry.]
Hey, look! An ugly scared guy! Boo!
[Fry gasps and Bender laughs and make ghost noises.]
Who are you monsters? Is one of you
If that's his pizza, then I'm icy whatever!
[The hole closes and a gust of wind lifts Fry off his legs. He
grabs on to the desk and is sucked back until the hole closes
[What-If Panucci's Pizza. Fry is back at work. Panucci scratches
his back with a baguette.]
You believe me about the monsters, right,
There's only three real monsters, kid:
Dracula, Blacula and Son of Kong. Now
quit picking your nose and knead that
dough! Hey! The usual, Professor Hawking?
No. Today I'd like something good.
Hawking, you're alright! I'll make you
[He walks into the kitchen.]
Hey! Stephen Hawking! Aren't you that
physicist that invented gravity?
Sure. Why not?
Let me ask you something: Has anyone
ever discovered a hole in nothing with
monsters in it? 'Cause if I'm the first,
I want them to call it "a Fry Hole".
There is nothing to be concerned about.
I must go. There is much to do.
[He turns to leave. Panucci comes back with his pizza.]
Hey, Hawking! Your pizza's ready.
Toss it in the garbage!
[What-If Outside Panucci's Pizza. Fry locks up for the night
and walks into an alley.]
(from alley) There he is. Seize him.
(from alley) Who said that? Hey! What
the--? Ooh! Ow! Ow!
[What-If Fry awakens somewhere, tied to a chair with a spotlight
pointing down on him.]
Who are you people?
[A figure emerges from the shadows.]
I'm Al Gore. And these are my Vice Presidential
Action Rangers; A group of top nerds
whose sole duty it is to prevent disruptions
in the space-time continuum.
I thought your duty was to cast the
tie-breaking vote in the Senate.
That, and protect the space-time continuum.
Read the constitution!
Hmm. So I guess you'll wanna see my
very much so. But first, meet the Action
Rangers. You already know Stephen Hawking.
Also with us are Nichelle Nichols, a.k.a.
[Nichols, dressed like Uhura from Star Trek, sits monitoring
some equipment. She turns around.]
Incoming transmission from MCI one rate
department. It sounds like a limited-time
Tell them I'm in the tub! To my left
you'll recognise Gary Gygax, inventor
of Dungeons & Dragons.
Greetings! It's a ... ... pleasure
to meet you!
And our summer intern, Deep Blue. The
world's foremost chess-playing computer.
Bishop to knight 4.
[Gore pats Deep Blue.]
Not all missions can be solved with
chess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand
Where am I, anyway?
You're travelling in a specially-equipped
terrestrial transport module.
A school bus!
[The yellow bus has "Grand Unified School District" written on
So what do you nerds want?
It's about that rip in space-time that
I call it a "Hawking Hole".
No fair! I saw it first!
Who is The Journal Of Quantum Physics
going to believe?
Mr. Fry, the time disruption indicates
that some of that was supposed to happen
but didn't, due to a quantum fluctuation.
That's why we had to beat you with tennis
If we don't go back there and make the
event happen, the entire universe will
be destroyed! And as an environmentalist,
I'm against that.
[Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The bus screeches to a halt.]
[What-If Applied Cryogenics. Fry recounts what happened to the
So then my chair tilted back and I almost
fell into this freezer thingy.
I call it a "Hawking Chamber".
But instead of falling in and getting
frozen, I missed and wanged my head.
Well it's obvious what should have happened:
That wang to the head should have killed
Let's finish the job.
No! Wait! There must be a peaceful--
[Nichols pushes him over and he screams.]
Hold him down.
[Gygax, Nichols and Deep Blue pin Fry to the floor. Hawking runs
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[The hole opens. Everyone gasps.]
Something's wrong. Murder isn't working
and that's all we're good at.
Let's try something else. Maybe we should--
[He rolls the dice. Gore slams his hand on the desk.]
Put the dice away before I take them
Wait. I'm getting an idea. What if Fry
was supposed to get frozen?
Yes. Shove him in the tube. It was my
[Bender appears in the hole.]
Hey, there he is again. And he brought
nerds! Take this!
[He throws his bottle at them and it smashes at Fry's feet.]
Get in the tube, dummy! We only have
a few seconds before the universe is
[They converge on Fry and back him towards the freezer.]
Alright. But I need a weapon to fight
off drunken robots when I wake up.
Here. Take my plus-one mace.
[Fry takes it and walks towards the tube.]
OK, here I go.
[He smashes the cryogenic freezers top window and laughs maniacally.]
You fool! You foolish fool!
Eh? What's the worst thing that can
[The hole starts to suck the room into itself. It sucks in Fry
and the action rangers. They scream.]
[Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The Fry Hole sucks in the
building and those around it.]
[What-If The Earth is sucked into the hole followed by planets,
galaxies and space itself until all that is left is white. Fry,
Hawking, Gore, Nichols, Deep Blue and Gygax float around in the
Great. The entire universe was destroyed.
Destroyed? Then where are we now?
I don't know. But I can darn well tell
you where we're not: The universe.
Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena
Star Trek convention all over again.
Anyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons
for the next quadrillion years?
Pawn to rook 8.
I'm a 10th-level Vice President!
[The What-If scenario ends.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth turns off the What-If
That story was preposterous. Stephen
Hawking in a pizzeria! This thing isn't
worth the gold it's made of. Anyway,
the fing-longer seems to be arousing
[The staff applaud.]
Right on, Professor!
[The What-If scenario ends. Farnsworth has been watching the
whole thing on the What-If machine.]
So that's what things would be like
if I'd invented the fing-longer. A
man can dream though. A man can dream.