FUTURAMA
Episode 409
"FUTURE STOCK"
By
Aaron Ehasz
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Love It Or Shove It.]
[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. A man attatches a "5"
to a sign reading "Planet Express tockholders Meeting" so the
third word reads "5tockholders."]
MAN
Yes, good thing I noticed the similar
shapes.
[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. Hermes hosts
the stockholders meeting. Present are the Planet Express crew
and Hattie.]
[The curtain opens and he pushes him forward.]
FARNSWORTH
Ohh!
[The stockholders cheer.]
AMY
There he is!
HATTIE (SHOUTING)
Take it off!
FARNSWORTH
Where am I?
HERMES
Move forward. Walk into the light.
FARNSWORTH
Oh God! I'm dead. Well, no matter.
(reading) Thank you all for coming.
I don't recognise any of you, nor can
I recall why I am here. Now without
further ado, a film highlighting Planet
Express Inc.'s latest fiscal year.
[The stockholders applaud and a film comes on showing the Planet
Express ship flying over some water away from a sunset.]
NARRATOR [IN FILM]
Planet Express is on the move. For this
young, hip delivery compnay, tomorrow
is today and today is yesterday. You
heard me. It was a year of soaring
profits and significant one time losses.
[The ship takes off from Amazonia and immediately crashes.]
ZOIDBERG
I'll not only help you find it, I'll
help you do more to it!
[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. Fry and Zoidberg walk
out of Ballroom A and Fry sees a sign outside Ballroom B.]
FRY
Ooo, a bot-mitzvah. Shalom hunger, shalom
free food!
[He walks in and Zoidberg follows. A robot blocks Zoidberg's
path.]
ROBOT #1
No shellfish!
[He slams the door.]
ZOIDBERG
That is so unfair!
PIG
Tell me about it.
[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom B. The Jewbots
dance around the bot-mitvah bot and Fry gets some food from the
buffet.]
FRY
So what's the deal? You guys don't believe
in Robot Jesus?
ROBOT #2
We believe he was built and that he
was a very well programmed robot but
he wasn't our Messiah.
[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. The film is
still going on. The Planet Express ship soars into space with
fireworks trailing behind it.]
NARRATOR [IN FILM]
And so our company flames onwards. Planet
Express: Limitless potential, boundless
horizons, the unstoppable juggernaut
of the corporate universe.
[The Planet Express ship passes through a ring and forms the
company logo. The film ends.]
HERMES
It's been a terrible year people. The
company is on the verge of bankruptcy.
[The stockholders gasp.]
LEELA
But the movie -
HERMES
Was a substantial loss for the company.
The blue slice represent s the money
we earned from shipping packages while
the green slice represents an $8 bank
error in our favour.
LEELA
This toads the wet sprocket. What about
our thousands of shares of stock?
HERMES
Worthless.
[The stockholders gasp.]
BENDER (SHOUTING)
I'll kill you!
HATTIE
I own one share of Planet kajiggers
so I'm entitled to some answers. Question
1: Why does no one visit me in my home?
FARNSWORTH
'Cause your apartment smells like Polygrip
and cat pee.
[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. Fry sees a sign outside
Ballroom C for a cryogenic support group. He gasps.]
FRY
This is perfect for me.
[He was actually looking at the free food sign underneath. Zoidberg
follows him in.]
ZOIDBERG
Question: Do you have to have been cryogenically
frozen to get the free - You didn't
let me finish. I was going to say "to
get the free food."
[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom C. Fry gobbles
down the food at the buffet while the support group discusses
things.]
JOE
My name's Joe and I'm a defrostee.
EVERYONE
Hello Joe.
JOE
When I was frozen giant carrots ruled
the Earth. But now they don't. It takes
some getting used to.
[He sits down and the group applauds. Fry has sat down with a
plate of food. Another man stands up.]
THAT GUY
Back in the 1980's I was the toast of
Wall Street. I was having whiskey with
Boesky and cookies with Milken. But
then, I was diagnosed with terminal
boneitis.
FRY
Boneitis? Pft! That's a funny name for
a horrible disease.
THAT GUY
There was no cure at the time. One drug
company was close but I arranged a hostile
takeover and sold off all the assets.
Made a cool hundred mil. Naturally
I froze myself until a cure was found.
Now here I am, ready to sleaze my way
back to the top, 80's style!
[He sits down next to Fry.]
CAVEMAN
As a caveman frozen in a glacier I face
different challenges. (crying) The hardest
thign was seeing my wife on display
in the British Museum.
[The group murmurs.]
THAT GUY
Sure do! We can dance!
[He hums the Safety Dance tune and they both laugh.]
FRY
Y'know that dance wasn't as safe as
they said it was.
THAT GUY
I tell you, two go-go 80's Reganauts
like us, we could rule this world!
FRY
No question.
THAT GUY
If only someone would give us a shot.
FRY
They're scared of our raw power. Oh
but if you want a job, I could beg everyone
at the company where I work.
THAT GUY
Awesome. Awesome to the max!
[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. Enter Fry and That
Guy.]
HERMES
And finally, the post office meter is
for business mail only.
BENDER
Aw come on! I got a lot of ransom notes
to send!
HATTIE
Enough talk. It's time for action. I
move that everyone come to my apartment
to snuggle my cat.
SCRUFFY
Second.
FARNSWORTH
I move that your cat stinks and is ugly.
SCRUFFY
Second.
HATTIE
I move that we vote on a new Chief Executive
Officer and oust this old creep. And
also that make cat smells good and is
pretty.
[Scruffy thinks.]
SCRUFFY
Second.
HERMES
Very well. I nominate the Professor.
AMY
Second.
LEELA
Second.
BENDER
Second.
FARNSWORTH
I'm your man.
LEELA
I vote my 10,000 shares for the Professor.
HERMES
Yeah the Professor!
FARNSWORTH
Me!
[Hermes writes 50,000 on a chart for Farnsworth.]
FRY
I nominate That Guy. Not just because
he has a suit but because he knows about
business and stuff and he has a tie.
My shares still count if they went
through the washing machine right?
[Hermes starts a new chart for That Guy next to Farnsworth's
and write 10,000 under his name.]
HERMES
Well, if I know anything about which
number is bigger than the other number,
I'd say that -
SCRUFFY
Hold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000
shares for the mysterious stranger.
LEELA
40,000? How come you have four times
as much stock as the rest of us?
SCRUFFY
Scruffy believes in this company.
[He sniffs and wipes away a tear. Hermes changes That Guy's score
to 50,000.]
HERMES
Then we have a tie. And in the event
of a tie the Professor, as the current
CEO remains -
HATTIE
I demand the floor. I may only have
one share but I get to vote same as
anyone. And I'm voting against the cat
hater. Isn't that right kitty? Hey!
You ate my change!
[She shakes the cat and the money inside it jingles. Hermes changes
That Guy's score to 50,001.]
HERMES
Then it's settled. The new chief executive
officer of Planet Express corporation
is That Guy.
[That Guy hums Safety Dance.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
HERMES
Please welcome our new chief executive
officer, That Guy.
[Fry applauds and hoots. The rest of the crew glare at him.]
THAT GUY
Let's cut to the chase. There are two
kinds of people: sheep and sharks. Anyone
who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?
ZOIDBERG
Uh excuse me? Which is the one people
like to hug?
THAT GUY
Gutsy question, you're a shark. Sharks
are winners and they don't look back
'cause they don't have necks. Necks
are for sheep. I am proud to be the
shepherd of this herd of sharks and
I am gonna lead you to the top of this
industry of...of...
FRY (WHISPERING)
Package delivery.
THAT GUY
Package delviery? Oh God! Fantastic!
Now the first order of business is to
blame everything on the guy before me.
Professor?
FARNSWORTH
I'll ruin you like I ruined this company.
THAT GUY
Terrific. Question number one: What
was your overall business plan?
FARNSWORTH
Uh, um, uh business plan, uh, yes. I
keep it here - right next to my heart.
[He opens a drawer and pulls out a file next to a jar with a
heart in it. He hands the file to That Guy.]
THAT GUY
This isn't a business plan, it's an
escape plan.
FARNSWORTH
So long suckers!
[He climbs down a ladder and runs across the hangar floor laughing
insanely.]
THAT GUY
Fry, as a fellow 80's dollar jockey,
I'm making you my new vice chairman.
[Fry cheers.]
FRY
I'm rollin' up the corporate ramp.
BENDER
Ohh!
ZOIDBERG
It's the end of the line!
HERMES
We're ruined!
SCRUFFY
What fevered dream is this that bids
to tear this company in twain?
[He leans back and starts reading National Pornographic.]
[Outside Giorgio Armonster. Exit Fry and That Guy from the shop
sporting 80's style suits. The monster waves them off.]
MONSTER
Thank you come again!
THAT GUY
That's what I call a hostile makeover!
Hair gel?
FRY
No thanks I make my own.
[He slicks his hair back.]
[Ship's Cockpit.]
THAT GUY
This company's gonna shoot straight
to the top and stay there! Like Cindy
Lauper! I ask you: Who is the number
one delivery service on Earth?
ZOIDBERG
Is it Planet Express master?
[That Guy laughs.]
THAT GUY
Is this guy a shark or what? Seriously
though we stink out loud. Here's the
big enchirito. Mom's Friendly Delivery
Company.
HERMES
We can't compete with Mom! Her company
is big, and evil. Ours is small and
neutral.
THAT GUY
Switzerland is small and neutral. We're
more like Germany; ambitious and misunderstood.
AMY
Look, everyone wants to be like Germany
but do we really have the pure strength
of will?
THAT GUY
I say we do! Now are we gonna let ourselves
be beaten by an old lady?
[Zoidberg bows.]
ZOIDBERG
Yes my liege!
FRY
No we're not. And as vice chairman,
I believe I speak for the entire board
when I issue this challenge to Mom.
Look at my butt!
[He presses it up against the window and cheers.]
[Cut to: Mom's Office. Mom, Walt, Larry and Igner look out the
window.]
MOM
You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit
the retaliate button.
[Walt looks at a control panel.]
WALT
Uh, um, hmm lets see.
MOM
Any button they all retaliate!
[Walt presses a random button.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Building. The sign on the top of the building
with Mom bottle-feeding a parcel like a baby suddenly turns eeevil.
The bottle turns towards the Planet Express ship and fires lasers
at it. The crew scream from inside and the ship flies away.]
[Madison Cube Garden. Fry and That Guy are sitting in the VIP
section with Zapp, Calculon, Morbo and Jackie Anderson watching
the big ape fight. The apes fight and scream. Fry hoots.]
FRY
Woo yeah! Hit him hit him hit him!
Now this is the high life! Watching
apes mangle each other near celebrities!
THAT GUY
In my day we went to coke parties but
the principle's the same.
[An ape screams and throws it's trike at Calculon.]
CALCULON
Get your stinkin' trike off me you damn
dirty ape.
THAT GUY
Listen big guy, now that you're my prodégé,
it's time I cut you in on the secret
to success. Any guesses?
FRY
Uh, work really really hard?
THAT GUY
No.
FRY
Oh thank God!
THAT GUY
It's all about appearances. That's why
its time to update our company's stodgy
image and give it the sleek dazzling
veneer of the 1980's!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Enter Fry and That Guy on rocket
powered chairs. The rest of the crew are asleep at the table.
Fry claps and they suddenly wake up.]
FRY
This company's on the fast track to
the It List! Blast back kudos all around!
LEELA
Uh hello? We haven't made one delivery
since you two took over.
THAT GUY
Delivery has nothing to do with the
delivery business. Image people, image!
Scope out this new ad!
[He presses a button on the remote and an advert comes on the
big screen. A Planet Express-ified version of Apple's 1984 ad.
A woman runs into a building with a Planet Express package. Mom
is on a huge screen.]
MOM [ON AD]
We are all one. With one mind, one purpose
and one act. Our enemy shall be eaten
by scorpions! We shall bow down and
worship to ourselves. We shall prevail!
[The package hits the screen and it explodes. A man in the audience
stands up.]
MAN [ON AD]
Hey! We were watching that!
[The scene freezes and a new Planet Express logo appears on the
screen á la the FedEx logo only this time it's PlanEx.]
LEELA
That was terrible! People won't even
know what we do.
BENDER
I don't even know what we do. Nah just
kidding, what are like a bus or something?
LEELA
Did you approve that awful ad Fry?
FRY
Yes I did Leels! And I'll tell you why.
Because it grows the brand.
[That Guy pats his shoulder.]
LEELA
Oh Lord!
[Zoidberg growls.]
ZOIDBERG
This company's circling the drain I
tell you. I'd sell my stock right now
for a sangwich!
THAT GUY
Sold!
[He gets a sandwich out of a Miami Vice lunchbox and hands it
to Zoidberg.]
ZOIDBERG
A complete sangwich? You got fleeced!
I would have settled for a hard roll
with ketchup inside!
[Mom's Office. She runs on a running machine while looking at
Mentor magazine and Protégé magazine. That Guy and Fry are on
each cover.]
MOM
What is this moose drip? The new delivery
kings? I'm sick of hearing about those
turtle squirts!
IGNER
But they're kings mommy!
MOM
Jam a bastard in it you crap!
[She slaps them.]
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine: Private Dining Room. That Guy and Fry
are seated in a cosy little room.]
ELZAR
Enjoy our private dining room folks!
This is where we serve our richest most
successful chumps!
FRY
Tonight, that's us!
THAT GUY
What have you got that's really overpriced?
ELZAR
Everything.
THAT GUY
Bring me that.
FRY
Make it two. And a glass of all your
water.
[Elzar leaves and That guy pulls out some card from his jacket.]
THAT GUY
OK, lets work on your execu-speak. I'm
worried about "blank."
FRY
Don't you worry about "blank" let me
worry about "blank."
THAT GUY
Very good. I also would have accepted
"Blank? Blank?! you're not looking at
the big picture!"
[Mom coughs from behind Fry and he and That Guy look up.]
FRY (WEAKLY)
What a pleasant surprise!
MOM
Shut up booger blaster! It's time the
three of us had a talk.
THAT GUY
I'll handle this Fry. You get back to
the farm, shift some paradigms, revolutionise
outside the box.
FRY
I'm on it. But if you need me you know
where I'll be.
[He walks through a door to the wine cellar and falls down the
steps.]
[Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry irons his tie.]
[Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Scruffy and Farnsworth.]
LEELA
Fry we're worried about Planet Express.
FRY
Don't you worry about Planet Express.
Let me worry about blank!
HERMES
That Guy is nothing but a flashy con
man! And you've been hypnotised by his
swinging blogney!
LEELA
You've changed Fry.
FRY
What? I haven't changed. Suz? Have
I changed?
SUZ [ON INTERCOM]
No sir Mr Fry.
FRY
Thanks doll.
LEELA
I don't care what Ms Johnson says, Thst
Guy's turning this place into some kind
of...business.
FARNSWORTH
This isn't a business, I've always thought
of it as more of a source of cheap labour.
Like a family.
FRY
You're right Professor. We might not
be a traditional family like the Murphy's
next door or the lesbian coven across
the street but we are a family, and
That Guy understands that.
[That Guy appears on a screen.]
THAT GUY [ON SCREEN]
Everyone's fired and we're out of business.
[Everyone gasps.]
AMY
Oh no.
HERMES
How?
THAT GUY [ON SCREEN]
I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom
so she can gut the company and eliminate
us as competitors.
MOM [ON SCREEN]
Don't let the door hit you on your way
out. 'Cause I don't want ass prints
on my new door!
[The screen cuts out and the ex-crew glare at Fry. He presses
the launch button on his chair and it takes off, struggles, and
crashes down again. Everyone glares harder. Fry presses the intercom.]
FRY
Uh Ms Johnson? Please bring in some
more chair fuel.
[Planet Express: Locker Area. Everyone clears out their lockers.]
FRY
I had no idea the company would be sold.
I was just an innocent suck up. You've
gotta believe me!
[Leela slams her door shut.]
LEELA
Just leave us alone and let us clear
out our lockers.
BENDER
Yeah.
[He slams Hermes' door shut and chuckles. Amy clears out her
locker and puts her stuff in a box a man is holding for her.]
AMY (CRYING)
It's so sad, where will I go? What will
I do?
LACKEY
You have Mrs Darlinghaven's cotillion
at 7 ma'am.
AMY (CRYING)
Oh. That'll be fun.
[Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry sighs and presses the intercom
button.]
FRY
Ms Johnson, you've never lied to me.
Am I still a good person?
SUZ [ON INTERCOM]
I don't know sir. I'm a program built
into the intercom.
FRY
I've got to redeem myself. Somehow,
sometime, for some reason. I'll block
this takeover!
SUZ [ON INTERCOM]
Mr Fry, your 2 o'clock magician is here.
FRY
Believe it or not, I have more important
things to do today than laugh and clap
my hands. Reschedule.
[The Planet Express ship flies towards the Intergalactic Stock
Exchange and the huge Momcorp ship follows.]
[Cut to: Intergalactic Stock Exchange. People and robots shout,
buying and selling stock.]
BROKERBOT #1
Sell 100 soylent beans!
BROKERBOT #2
Buy 1000 cornbellies!
BROKERBOT #3
200 cans of whoop-ass!
BROKERBOT #1
Three big bags of trash!
[Everything goes silent and a huge holographic head appears in
the middle of the room.]
JOR-EL
Attention please. The takeover of PlanEx
Corp by Mom's Friendly Company will
take place in the business centre in
10 minutes. I am Jor-El! Master of scheduling!
[Intergalactic Stock Exchange Business Centre. Hundreds of people
fill the room. The Planet Express employees sit angrily next
to Mom's sons.]
THAT GUY
OK, we've got the hot tub hot, the wine
cooler's cool. It's Hammer time!
[The Planet Express employees boo him.]
BENDER
You suck!
[Mom takes the stand.]
MOM
According to regulations, both companies
must approve the takeover. Planet Express
shareholders, cast your votes.
HERMES
Great Bonda of Uganda! We can vote against
it!
[Everyone cheers.]
BENDER
I'll vote it down like a raise for school
teachers!
[They all vote No and a chart ppears behind That Guy and Mom.
49% have voted for No. That Guy votes Yes and the graph changes
to 51% for Yes. Planet Express gasps.]
BENDER
What the?
HATTIE
How the?
AMY
Oh no.
THAT GUY
I neglected to mention that the shares
I bought from Dr Zoidberg gave me majority
control.
LEELA
Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?
HERMES
The shares were worthless and he kept
asking for toilet paper.
MOM
And now if Momcorp shareholders will
cast their ballots.
[She selects Yes and the Momcorp vote goes up to 99.7% Yes. Walt
votes Yes and it changes to 99.8%. Larry votes and it changes
to 99.9%. Igner has a little trouble.]
IGNER
Um...uh... Uh, the ballot was confusing.
MOM
How about a hand recount?
IGNER
OK. Ow!
MOM
The takeover of Planet Express is approved.
[The Planet Express crew boos.]
AMY
This stinks!
LACKEY
Madam is outraged.
THAT GUY
Security, I want that bunch of rowdies
out of here.
[The securitybots lift the crew out of their seats.]
BENDER
Hold on a minute!
SCRUFFY
Hey! Hey!
[The securitybots take the crew away leaving only a sleeping
Farnsworth and Hattie in their seats.]
MOM
Momcorp will now purchase all outstanding
shares of Planet Express at the current
market price which is...
[On the screen behind her PLNX 107 appears.]
JOR-EL
107.
[Cut to: Outside Business Centre. The securitybots drop the crew
onto the floor.]
BENDER
Ow! And also it hurt my feelings!
LEELA
They are? Oh my God! I'm a millionaire!
Suddenly I have an opinion about that
capital gains tax!
BENDER
Yeah all right!
AMY
I'm even richer!
ZOIDBERG
Oh! I have no shares! Wait! My sangwich!
Has it also appreciated in value? Please
oh please!
HERMES
You didn't even refrigerate it you spineless
lobster!
ZOIDBERG
You had to drag spines into this!
[He cries. Fry appears on the overhead monitors. He clears his
throat.]
FRY [ON SCREEN]
As vice chairman of Planet Express I'd
like to say a few words. There comes
a time for every man who becomes rich
and deserts his friends, when he goes
back how it was. For me, that time is
now....
[Cut to: Intergalactic Stock Exchange Business Centre. Fry turns
to That Guy.]
FRY
...So I ask you, as a friend, won't
you stop this deal?
THAT GUY
Fry I'm an 80's guy. Friendship means
to me that for two bucks I'd beat you
with a pool cue 'til you got detached
retinas. The deal will go ahead as -
My bones!
[The crowd gasps.]
FRY
Oh my God! His boneitis!
THAT GUY
I was so busy being an 80's guy, I forgot
to cure it. My only regret is...that
I have...boneitis!
[He stops twisting.]
FRY
He's dead.
[The crowd gasps.]
MOM
Pry out his fillings, feed him to the
jackals and lets get on with the sale.
FRY
I don't think so. 'Cause as vice chairman
of the company I gain voting control
of his shares.
MOM
Don't be a fool you idiot!
FRY
I'll be whatever I wanna do! That Guy
was the greatest businessman that ever
lived and before his mysterious death
he taught me everything he knew. But
some things I had to learn myself.
I learned that money is fine but in
the end what counts is people... ...People
you love... ...You can't put a price
on that... So I'm giving up control
of the company... ...to a man of enourmous
experience... ...Professor... ...Hubert
Farnsworth.
[Farnsworth is still asleep but is now wearing a sleeping cap
and bunny slippers. He wakes up.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh uh what? I'm awake, I'm awake!
[The stock price goes haywire. Tape falls from the ceiling an
the Planet Express crew slide down on it.]
BENDER
Fry, stop doing the right thing you
jerk!
LEELA
Let Mom buy the company! We all wanna
be filthy stinking rich!
ZOIDBERG
Trust me two out of three doesn't cut
it!
FRY
You mean you'd rather be rich than work
together?
LEELA
Hell yeah!
FRY
In my whole life this company was the
only place I ever really felt at home.
If being millionaires is more important
to you than our...
BENDER
It is!
FRY
...friendship, then I'll sell Planet
Express, for you.
HATTIE
Millionaires nothing! The stock's only
worth three kajiggers!
[The crew mumble.]
BENDER
Oh come on!
HERMES
My Jah! It's worth less now than when
it was worthless!
FRY
It is? Yahoo! We're poor no matter what
I do! The deal is off!
[He selects no and the Planet Express vote changes to 100% for
No.]
ZOIDBERG
Aha! Once again the conservative sangwich-heavy
portfolio pays off for the hungry investor!
Oh! I'm ruined. Why? Why?
FRY
Look, so we're not millionaires. At
least we all still get to work together!
BENDER
Shut your fat mouth!
[The crew walk out muttering.]
FRY (SHOUTING)
See you guys Monday!
THE END
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