FUTURAMA
Episode 408
"GODFELLAS"
By
Ken Keeler
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Please Turn Off All Cell Phones And
Tricorders.]
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship streaks away from Earth and Leela casually
hums to herself whilst Fry monitors the controls. The ship suddenly
shakes and the two are thrown to the floor. An alarm wails and
two ships fly past and prepare to turn around. Leela gasps.]
LEELA
Space pirates!
FRY
Space pirates?
LEELA
You know, pirates - but in space.
[The two ships look like old fashioned pirate ships and even
have sails. They circle the Planet Express ship and fire cannon
balls at it causing dents along the hull.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. A pirate appears on the screen.]
PIRATE [ON SCREEN]
Avast mateys!
[Cut to: Pirate Ship. The pirate has three parrots along his
shoulder and has four legs, three of them wooden.]
PIRATE
Electronically transfer your space doubloons
afore I send thee to Davey Jarg's locker!
[He lights a cannon and sets it off.]
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. A dent appears in the wall
next to Bender's hammock and he wakes up.]
BENDER
(shouting) Hey! Keep it down you kids!
I'm trying to take a nap!
[He reaches over to a shelf and picks up a box of ears plugs
and takes two out. Then he reaches over to another box, pulls
out two ears, attaches them to his head and puts the ear plugs
in.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry lines up an eyesight to one of the
pirate ships.]
FRY
Come on, come on.
[The eyesight locks on to the ship and Fry fires. The controls
look just like an old arcade game. Outside one of the pirate
ships explodes. Fry watches it.]
[Cut to: Ship's Torpedo Room. Bender walks towards tube #3 and
opens it.]
BENDER
(muttering) ...make Bender take a nap
in a tube. (sexfully) Come back when
I've had some sleep baby!
[He closes the tube door.]
[The pirate ship chases the Planet Express ship and the two ships
exchange fire. Leela steers the ship around and manages to get
behind the pirate ship.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
LEELA
Fry to battlestations. Fire torpedo
number three.
FRY
Firing torpedo number three!
[He flicks a switch, turns a knob, presses a button and selects
3 on an old fashioned telelphone dialier.]
[Cut to: Torpedo Tube #3. Bender wakes up.]
BENDER
Huh? What?
[He races forward with flaming feet.]
[Cut to: Outside Ship. He flies out of the torpedo tube screaming.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry and Leela watch Bender through the
windscreen.]
LEELA
That's not torpedo three. That's not
torpedo three at all.
[Cut to: Outside Ship. Bender screams.]
BENDER
Damn you Fry and Lee......la!
[The pirate ship starts to spin widly out of control. The pirate
looks through the window sadly.]
PIRATE [FROM SHIP]
Too late do I realise that my children
are my only real treasures.
[The ship explodes. Bender carries on flying.]
BENDER
(shouting) Help! Mechanical man overboard!
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
FRY
Go after him Leela!
[Leela pushes the throttle forward. The ship's engines struggle
but they go no faster.]
LEELA
It's no use. We were going full speed
when we fired him so he's going even
faster than that.
FRY
You mean we can never catch up to him?
Not even if we rub the engine with cheetah
blood?
LEELA
I don't know how to say this Fry. But
Bender is doomed to drift through space...forever.
[Fry looks ahead through the windscreen.]
FRY
(solemn) He always wanted to drift forever.
But through the American Southwest.
[Bender continues flying through space still holding the bag
of swag.]
BENDER
I'm going too fast. I've gotta lose
momentum. Ohh. I'm gonna spend eternity
alone with barely any swag. Ooo! Hey
universe! Check out the dude with the
rolex! Wow! Ostentatious! Except what
good is a candelabra without - wait
I know! Ah the pity. Fated to drift
forever through the void as gravity's
plaything. Oh cruel fate, to be thusly
boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones.
It bones for thee. The only thing that
keeps me sane is the thought that I
have all eternity in which to perfect
my art. Ohh! Damn you!
[He picks up the candelabra and uses it to smash up the piano.]
[Time Lapse. Bender scratches something onto his door. It is
something similar to the sketch on the Pioneer space probe. But
the man and woman have a huge Bender standing above them growling.]
BENDER
There. Now when I'm found in a million
years people will know what the score
was. Hey what's bombarding me? Oh
no! An asteroid field. If even a pea
sized asteroid were to whiz through
my skull it could - Ow! Hurt slightly!
Well that was fun. Now for eons of
loneliness.
[Time Lapse. Muffled voices come from Bender's door.]
BENDER
Huh?
[Several tiny things come from the asteroid on Bender's door.
He zooms in. They are little people.]
SHRIMPKIN PRIEST
Fellow Shrimpkins, behold he who hath
taken us unto his breast.
[The Shrimpkims chatter.]
BENDER
Holy frijoles!
SHRIMPKIN PRIEST
All bow before the great Metal Lord!
[The Shrimpkins bow.]
BENDER
Worshippers? This ought to liven up
my endless tragic voyage.
[He laughs insanely.]
[Time Lapse.]
SHRIMPKIN PRIEST
All hail the Metal Lord!
SHRIMPKINS
(chanting) So hailed!
BENDER
Hmm, those peewees think I'm God huh?
Hard to blame 'em! I am the Metal Lord.
Who are you?
MALACHI
I am called Malachi, Lord. It means,
um, "He who really loves the Metal Lord."
BENDER
Listen here Malachi. Time for a religious
donation. Hand over your wallet.
MALACHI
But Lord. We are a poor and simple folk.
BENDER
Poor? Oh crap.
[He takes Malachi off his eyes and zooms into the Shrimpkin village
on the asteroid. On the porch of Malachi's home his wife cross-stiches
something and his children play.]
MALACHI'S WIFE
What art thou doing Malachi Jr?
[Malachi Jr hugs a big pot.]
MALACHI JR
I'm practising to hug daddy when he
gets back from God. Mmm! Mmm!
[Bender retracts his eyes.]
BENDER
Eck! Gag unto me with a spoon! Malachi,
it's high time I laid down a few commandments.
You got a chisel? Take this down. Number
one -
[Time Lapse. Malachi stands on a rock before the other Shrimpkins
holding a stone tablet.]
MALACHI
Behold: The One Commandment.
[He holds up the tablet. Written on it is "God Needs Booze."]
BENDER
(shouting) Make it a double!
[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth sniffs around on the smelloscope.]
FRY
Can you find him Professor?
FARNSWORTH
No. I'm afraid the smelloscope isn't
powerful enough. Bender's odour is so
mild it's being overpowered by local
sources.
[He, Fry and Leela glare at Zoidberg. He jumps up and claps with
delight.]
ZOIDBERG
Hooray, people are paying attention
to me!
[Fry walks towards the window and puts his hand on the glass.
Enter Amy, Hermes and a robot.]
AMY
Fry, we brought someone to cheer you
up.
HERMES
His name is Helper and he's eager to
be your new best friend.
[Helper looks a little bit like Bender but is more blocky looking.]
HELPER
Hello there chum. I understand you miss
your buddy! Have a pudding pop!
FRY
No that's I don't -
HELPER
Who wants to go to an amusement park?
FRY
Well, I guess that sounds OK.
HELPER
Have a good time. Hey, I hear your friend
Bender is back.
FRY
What? Really?
HELPER
No. I just thought you would enjoy that
for a moment.
[Bender drifts through space to Also Sprach Zarathustra. On his
body a huge beer tower has been built and the Shrimpkin village
has grown to include several fields.]
[Time Lapse. Bender tastes the Lordweiser beer from the tower.]
BENDER
Ooo! Microbrewed! My guys did alright!
I think I'll make my countenance to
shine down upon them! Malachi, good
work. There's no slowing down with the
Metal Lord tonight.
MALACHI
Yes, tonight is kind of special.
BENDER
Wait a second. Did you rip off your
own arm as a joke?
MALACHI
Nay. Like most of your followers I was
maimed while building the great brewery.
Others died from the pestelent fumes
it spewed forth. And of course, the
liquor industry attracted organised
crime.
[Mobsters drive past Malachi's home shooting at each other. Malachi's
wife gasps, picks up a gun and shoots at the cars. Bender watches.]
BENDER
Aw, it's all my fault. Malachi, tell
thy people that the Lord is moved by
their plight.
[A tear drops from his eye. In the Shrimpkin village the tear
looks huge. It rushes towards the Shrimpkins and they scream
and run out of its way. The tidal wave washes through the village
and sweeps away Malachi Jr. He grabs hold of a branch. The villagers
gasp.]
MALACHI'S WIFE
Malachi Jr, no!
MALACHI JR
Daddy, I can't hold much longer. My
arms are tired from hugging.
[Malachi, back with his wife, falls to his knees.]
MALACHI
Save him! Save my son oh Metal Lord!
[Bender rolls up his sleeves.]
BENDER
This looks like a job for God! What
the? Malachi, what manner of deal is
this with the chanting?
MALACHI
They saw you save my son. Now everyone
is praying for their own miracles.
[Bender sighs.]
BENDER
Very well. What do they want?
MALACHI
The people of that village pray for
wealth.
[Bender pulls out a Coolio coin and tosses it to the Shrimpkins.
It flattens several houses. Bender screams and picks the coin
up again. He looks under the ruined houses.]
BENDER
Um, that was a practice miracle. Who's
next?
MALACHI
The farmers pray for sunlight so that
their barley might make a more refreshing
beer for today's God on the go.
BENDER
Very well. Let there be light.
[He closes his eye visor and reflects a star's rays onto the
farmers' fields.]
FARMER #1
Yippee!
FARMER #2
Hooray!
[The fields burst into flames and so do the farmers.]
BENDER
I got it I got it! Um, when you're
writing the Bible, you might want to
omit that last miracle.
[Fry and Bender's Lounge. Fry picks up a photo of Bender holding
him over the side of the Statue Of Liberty's torch. He sighs.]
FRY
He decided not to let go. I can't believe
you're gone. I won't! If I can't reach
you physically, I'll just have to try
something desperately crazy!
[First Amalgamated Church. Fry sits in the priest's office.]
FRY
So that's my story Father Changstein
el Gamahl. Is there anything religion
can do to help me find my friend?
PRIEST
Well, we could join together in prayer.
FRY
Uh-huh but is there anything useful
we can do?
PRIEST
No.
[Gypsy's Caravan. Fry revisits the fairground Gypsy that helped
Bender find out more about the Werecar virus.]
GYPSY
Sure I hold séance, channel your friend
no problem. Insert coin. I am your
friend...Bonder.
FRY
Bonder? Is it really you?
GYPSY
Yes. I am fine. Give the gypsy $10.
FRY
Wait a minute. Bender's name isn't Bonder,
it's Bender. You're a fraud!
GYPSY
Look, you want false hope or not?
FRY
Only if you don't have any real hope.
GYPSY
Well, there is perhaps one way. Have
you heard of the Monks Of The Shubah?
FRY
I've not heard of them.
GYPSY
They are an ancient order who believe
God exists in the depths of space. They
have built the universe's most powerful
radio telescope, high in the Himalayas,
to search for him.
FRY
You think they'd let me use it to look
for Bender?
GYPSY
What am I psychic? I mean yes! Yes,
I'm sure they will. Yes.
[Bender swims through space to The Blue Danube.]
MALACHI
Oh Metal Lord, hear my prayer.
[Bender sighs.]
BENDER
(irrate) Yes Malachi what is it this
time?
MALACHI
My Lord, the infidels on your back no
longer believe in you. They say their
prayers go unheeded.
BENDER
Of course they're unheeded how am I
supposed to hear prayers coming out
of my ass?
MALACHI
They talk of war against the faithful.
I beseech thee. Rise up against them,
smite someone who deserves it for once.
[Bender sighs.]
BENDER
Malachi, every time I interfere I only
make things worse. You're best off solving
your own problems.
MALACHI
But, but Metal Lord.
BENDER
What part of "nay" doesn't thou understand?
[Ed's Hiking Supplies & Spelunketeria. Fry talks to a salesman
behind a counter.]
FRY
Sir, I'm outfitting an expedition to
a monestary high in the Himalayas. I'll
need a long sleeved coat.
[The salesman hands him a coat.]
LEELA
Look, I miss Bender almost half as much
as you do but you can't bring him back
this way. It's hopeless.
FRY
You can't give up hope just because
it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more
and cover your ears and go "blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah!" (shouting)
I'd also like a pack mule.
SALESMAN
(shouting) At once sir!
[He pulls down a fully equipt mule from a high shelf.]
LEELA
Well, you obviously won't listen to
reason, so I guess I'll listen to idioticness
and come with you. But we'll need a
Sherpa to guide us.
[The salesman reaches up to the high shelf with the hook and
jabs the Sherpa. He screams.]
[On the porch of his home Malachi sits with his children and
wife and they read The Bible. By Bender With Malachi. On the
first page is a picture of Bender boxing a lion.]
BENDER
Now that's one Bible that doesn't disappoint
on every page! Looks like my society's
running pretty well without my meddling
- huh? Atomic bombs? Oh no! Those unbelievers
from my backside must have found my
nuclear pile!
MALACHI
Fear not my Lord, we shall be with you
soon.
BENDER
You're with me now. This is the maximum
level of being with me!
MALACHI
We will solve our own problems as you
commanded. The time has come to convert
the unbelievers.
BENDER
Convert them?
MALACHI
To radioactive vapour!
[Missile launchers rise up from the ground, fire and destroy
the village on Bender's ass.]
MALACHI JR
Look Daddy! I'm hugging God! Mmm! Mmm!
Maybe if I hug him real hard he'll save
us from -
[A radioactive shockwave vapourises the family and Bender cries.]
BENDER
(crying) No! (laughing) Ooo it tickles!
[He laughs some more and sighs.]
[Time Lapse.]
BENDER
Hello? Is anyone still alive? How about
in the porno theatre? Don't be embarrassed.
(crying) They're dead. All dead. Who
would have known playing God could have
such terrible consequences?
[He cries some more.]
[Himalayas. The Sherpa, Fry, Leela and the mule walk through
the blizzard. The wind howls and the mule groans.]
LEELA
(shouting) Fry, if I drop dead from
exhaustion make sure my body freezes
in a dignified position. None of that
huddled over for warmth crap.
[Time Lapse. They reach the summit. Fry gasps. In front of them
is a huge radio telescope and in he middle is the monastery.]
SHERPA
Behold. The Monastery Of The Shubah.
I must leave you now for I am not holy
enough to enter.
FRY
OK.
[He bleches and spits. He and Leela walk towards an old wood
and rope bridge.]
LEELA
Looks rickety. We'd better test it.
[She pats the mule and it steps onto the bridge. The bridge moves
forward like a moving walkway.]
FEMALE VOICE
Welcome to our monastery. Please stand
to one side to let faster pilgrims by.
[Behind the mule Fry and Leela tap their feet impatiently.]
[Bender is still crying. He hears a beeping and looks up.]
BENDER
Hey, that galaxy's signalling in binary!
I gotta signal back! But I only know
enough binary to as where the bathroom
is. (shouting) You speak English?
GALAXY
I do now.
[It pulls Bender towards it.]
BENDER
What are you some kind of galactic computer?
GALAXY
Possible. I am user friendly. My good
chum.
BENDER
Who built you?
GALAXY
I have always been.
BENDER
Oh my God. Are you God?
GOD
Possible. I do feel compasson for all
living things. My good chum.
BENDER
But why would God think in binary? Unless...you're
not God, but the remains of a computerised
space probe that collided with God.
GOD
That seems probable.
[Monastery Of The Shubah. The radio dish tilts as the monks search
the sky.]
MONK #1
A member of our brotherhood sits at
these controls every hour of every day,
scanning the heavens for God.
[Monk #2, bored out of his skull, controls the dish. Suddenly
he sees something.]
MONK #2
There he is! No. No, wait, no.
LEELA
How long have you been at it?
MONK #1
700 years. We've not yet examined one
ten-millionth of the sky. But we will
go on until we find the Almighty, even
if it takes until the end of time.
FRY
And then what?
MONK #1
Then we utter unto him a short prayer.
You see, the telescope is also an amplifying
transmitter.
LEELA
Sort of like a giant kareoke machine?
MONK #1
Not really. Would you like to see our
giant kareoke machine?
LEELA
Not really.
FRY
Hmm, finding God, that - that's important,
yeah. But you know what might be a treat
for everyone? If you let me use the
telescope to find my lost friend Bender.
MONK #1
I don't know what to say, other than
absolutely not. Your loss is a tragedy
but our work -
FRY
Aw c'mon, you guys have forever to look
for God. All I'm asking is one measley
lifetime to find my friend.
MONK #2
He speaks out of love for his friend.
Perhaps that love in his heart is God!
MONK #1
Oh how convenient. A theory about God
that doesn't require looking through
a telescope. Get back to work!
FRY
That telescope is as much mine as it
is anybody's. I'm using it whether you
give me permission or not.
[The four monks take up kung fu positions. Leela jumps forward.]
LEELA
Heyya! You're order may be famous for
it's martial arts. But I've never met
a holy man I couldn't clobber.
MONK #1
Actually we only practice martial arts
as a form of meditation. We are a strictly
non-violent sect.
LEELA
Oh. Then get in the laundry room or
I'll kick your butts!
[They file into the laundry room.]
MONK #3
This is the worst crazy sect I've ever
been in.
[Fry slams the door behind them.]
[Bender talks to God.]
BENDER
So, do you know what I'm gonna do before
I do it?
GOD
Yes.
BENDER
What if I do something different?
GOD
Then I don't know that.
BENDER
Cool cool! I bet a lot of people pray
to you huh?
GOD
Yes, but there are so many asking so
much. After a while you just sorta tune
it out.
BENDER
Y'know, I was God once.
GOD
Yes I saw. You were doing well until
everyone died.
BENDER
It was awful. I tried helping them.
I tried not helping them but in the
end I couldn't do them any good. Do
you think what I did was wrong?
GOD
Right and wrong are just words. What
matters is what you do.
BENDER
Yeah I know, that's why I asked if what
I did - forget it.
GOD
Bender, being God isn't easy, if you
do too much, people get dependent. And
if you do nothing, they lose hope. You
have to use a light touch, like a safecracker
or a pickpocket.
BENDER
Or a guy who burns down the bar for
the insurance money.
GOD
Yes, if you make it look like an electrical
thing. When you do things right, people
won't be sure you've done anything at
all.
BENDER
Does that mean you wouldn't send me
back to Earth even if I prayed to you?
GOD
Earth? Which way is that?
[Bender looks around.]
BENDER
(sadly) I don't know.
[Monastery Of The Shubah. Fry frantically turns the radio dish
around and shouts into the microphone.]
FRY
Bender? Bender?
[The monks knock on the door.]
[Fry yells into the microphone.]
FRY
Hello? Has anyone out there seen Bender?
LRRR [ON SPEAKER]
No, quit asking.
LEELA
Fry, it's been three days. And even
if you stay here the rest of your life,
there is virtually no chance of finding
him. It's time to give up.
FRY
(sadly) You're right. I'm never gonna
see him again. I know he was evil and
on more than one occasion he, he actually
stole my blood. But still, I wish I
had Bender back.
[Pullback: The radio telescope echos his words into the depths
of space and in a pullback lifted from Contact the signal reaches
God. Bender is asleep.]
GOD
Huh?
[Bender wakes up.]
BENDER
Huh? Wha? You say something?
GOD
No, no. Well so long. Remember what
we talked about.
[He straps a parachute to Bender and throws him towards Earth.
Bender screams.]
[Cut to: Himalayas. Fry and Leela make their way down the mountain.
Bender screams and falls through the atmosphere. Fry gasps.]
BENDER
Hot hot hot hot!
[He screams and the parachute opens and he lands on the mountain
next to Fry and Leela. He is glowing red hot.]
FRY
Bender! It's a miracle! Ow!
LEELA
This is by a wide margin the least likely
thing that has ever happened.
BENDER
Guys, you'll never believe what happened.
First I was God then I met God!
FRY
We climbed a mountain and locked up
some monks.
LEELA
Oh no the monks. We forgot to let them
out of the laundry room.
FRY
Do we have to? I mean they're monks.
I'm sure their God will let them out
or at least give them more shoes to
eat.
BENDER
Fat chance. You can't count on God for
jack. He pretty much told me so himself.
Now come on. If we don't save those
monks no one will!
[He takes off his parachute and starts back up the mountain.]
[Pullback: In another pullback, this time lifted from Men In
Black, God chuckles to Himself.]
GOD
When you do things right, people won't
be sure you've done anything at all.
THE END
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