Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: As Seen On TV.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is asleep on the big table.
The other staff are sat around it for a morning meeting. His
alarm clock goes off and he reaches over and pushes Bender's
[He picks up the alarm clock and bends it on the table so it
looks like a melted clock from Salvador Dali's artwork The Persistence
Fry, mon, if you're going to be living
in the office you could at least be
on time for work.
I'm sorry. I was up really late poking
through people's desks.
[He gets up and climbs off the table.]
Alright, people. I will now outline
today's 12-point agenda. We'll begin
with point one then race forward --
[He is interrupted by a clattering sound.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry is pouring himself a huge
bowl of Bachelor Chow. He turns the tap on and covers it in water.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits down, still in
Concerning our pest problem: Somebody's
been leaving food around and it's attracting
owls. And I, for one, am getting tired
of cleaning those owl traps. Now......as
this shocking graph indicates, our water
consumption has tripled in the last
month. I notice Fry has been here for
a month, so I'm appointing him head
of a committee to find who's responsible.
Fry? Am I cracking up, or is Fry's
living here starting to get in the way
of bus -
[He is interrupted again by Fry, who is drying his hair using
the ships engine. Leela runs over and hits the emergency shutdown
What the hell are you doing?! You're
getting a huge dose of radiation!
And great lift!
Do you know how long it's going to take
me to recalibrate these engines?
Hey, when you look this good, you don't
have to know anything.
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is looking for
something. Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg.]
Professor, We need to talk to you about
That's right, we want some money --
wait, what's this about Fry?
He's a nice guy but we think it's about
time he got his own place.
Oh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy.
I seem to have mislaid my alien mummy.
This sarcophagus should contain the
remains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled
Zubin 5 over 29 million years ago.
[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]
Hey, Professor, great jerky!
My God, this is an outrage! I was going
to eat that mummy! Fry has got to go!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is slumped back on the couch watching
Bachelor chow: Now with flavour!
[Fry changes the channel to Monster Truck wrestling.]
And Bigfoot is down!
Sheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150
have anything good on.
[He switches the channel over again. There is a sponsorship advert
on the screen.]
All My Circuits is brought to you by
Robo Fresh: Designed by a robot, for
[The picture changes to two robots - Calculon and Monique - sitting
on a bench.]
I've been processing this for some
time, Monique, and well, will you marry
Oh, Calculon! It fits! Then you must
know that I'm --
Metric? I've always known. But for
you, my darling, I'm willing to convert.
[They kiss again. Another robot watches them from the bushes.]
Hmm, must be a friend of theirs.
[Enter Leela and Bender.]
Fry, we've got to discuss your living
We've all talked it over and --
Hey, All My Circuits! Move over. Ahh!
Fry, sometimes in close quarters, people
do inconsiderate things without realising
I know but I forgive you.
No, Fry, by "close quarters" I mean
...and by "people" I mean you!
And by "inconsiderate" I mean --
Leela! We're trying to watch TV.
Yeah, would you kindly shut your noise
[She sighs and walks out.]
So, who's that weird-looking guy?
That's a human.
What's he do?
Eh, the usual human stuff. He laughs,
he learns, he loves.
[On the TV a door opens and Calculon walks in.]
Calculon? I thought you were in a coma.
That's what I wanted you to think with
your soft, human brain.
[From Fry's point of view, the corner of the room starts getting
Hey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?
[Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Leela are pushing the
couch out of the room with Fry and Bender still on it.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. They toss Fry, Bender and the
couch outside the front door and go back inside.]
We'll bill you for the couch.
[Food-O-Mat. A small café where customers sit at tables and select
their food from a conveyor belt as it passes them.]
Cheer up, meatbag, you've barely touched
It looked good but I just don't feel
like eating. You want it?
Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I
need plenty of wholesome, nutritious
alcohol. The chemical energy keeps
my fuel cells charged.
[He lights a cigar.]
What are the cigars for?
They make me look cool.
I can't believe they threw me out like
that. I must have been really acting
like a jerk.
Yeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me,
this jerk. That's my philosophy. So,
where you gonna stay?
I don't know. Do refrigerators still
come in cardboard boxes?
Yeah, but the rents are outrageous.
Why don't you just come move in with
Really? That'd be great! You sure I
won't be imposing?
Nah, I've always wanted a pet.
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The building is a dark, run
down place. The corridor is lined with blue doors with not much
space between them and the apartment numbers are in binary.]
Here we are. Your new home.
Cool! Y'know, I've never even seen a
robot's apartment before.
Come on in, I'll give you the tour!
[Cut to: Bender's Apartment. He unlocks the door, walks in, and
turns on the light. Fry follows. He is not impressed. It's a
very tight squeeze.]
Let's see, where to start. OK, this
is the TV area, that over there's the
breakfast nook, and over here is where
you'll be living which is great because,
until now, it's just been wasted space.
It's kinda cramped in here. I don't
even have room to hang my clothes.
Look, pal, you've only got one set of
clothes and you're not taking them off
while I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night.
[He turns the light off and goes to sleep.]
Wait, Bender. Bender?
(sleep-talking) Kill all humans...kill
all humans...must kill all the humans.
Bender, wake up!
[He wakes up and yawns.]
I was having the most wonderful dream.
I think you were in it.
Uh, listen, Bender, uh, where's your
Ah, never mind!
[He sits down and tries to curl up on the floor.]
(sleep-talking) Hey, sexy mama...wanna
kill all the humans?
[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela and Amy are working on the ships
port wing. Bender walks past whistling.]
We sure are cheerful this morning.
Yeah, this past week with Fry's been
a blast! Y'know, beneath this warm,
sunny exterior, beats the cold, mechanical
heart of a robot.
[Bender walks off, whistling. Fry comes in with a twisted neck.]
What happened to you?
Oh, it's Bender's apartment. He put
in carpeting yesterday so now my head
hits the ceiling. Hey, do you realise
you're standing at a weird angle? Now
Look at yourself. You're a wreck! You've
got to find a new place to live.
(sexily) Is that an invitation?
Love your optimism, Fry. But seriously,
you've got to tell Bender you're moving
Yeah, but he might get kind of upset.
I don't think I can do that to him.
[Bender comes back.]
Hey, there's my little space heater.
[Fry fakes a laugh. Bender laughs for real. Fry fakes another
laugh and then sighs.]
Well, I'm moving out!
[Bender laughs then realises what Fry has said.]
I'm sorry, Bender, but there's just
not enough room.
Not enough room? My place is two cubic
metres and we only take up 1.5 cubic
metres. We've got room for a whole nother
two-thirds of a person.
What if I just helped the two of you
find a bigger apartment?
I don't know. I've got a lot of great
memories in my old place. And now they're
Sure, it ain't one of them la-de-da
above-ground places. But if you like
dank, hey, forget about it!
At least it's got a great view.
[A giant squid swims up to the window. Fry, Bender and Leela
[The squids tentacles come through the floor and walls. The landlord
takes a knife out of his boot.]
Excuse me, I gotta go change a lightbulb.
[He takes out a knife, puts it between his teeth and walks out.]
Wow! Now this is fantastic!
[The apartment is built in the style of the Escher picture Relativity.]
Hmm, I'm not sure we want to pay for
a dimension we're not going to use.
[Bender suddenly falls down the stairs, up the stairs, across
[Suspiciously Fantastic Apartment.]
Well, I give up. What's the catch?
Oh, no catch. Although we are technically
in New Jersey.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Bender and Leela sit around the
Not one place even remotely liveable.
[Farnsworth walks past talking on the phone.]
Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly...?
To shreds, you say. Well, how is his
wife holding up...? To shreds, you say.
Very well then. Sad, sad, terrible,
gruesome news about my colleague, Dr.
Was his apartment rent-controlled?
[Apartment. It's a really big apartment with a view and an upper
floor. The landlady is an old woman named Hattie. She is short,
wears a pink dressing gown and has a lazy eye. She shows the
new tenants around.]
Wow, this is beautiful.
What's with all the crap?
It's not crap.
Dr. Mobootu collected this crap while
he was exploring the watcha-call-it...universe!
Well, this place has everything except
the only thing I care about: A TV.
It's got a TV, you young watcha-call-it...idiot!
[She pulls a rope and a tapestry goes up, revealing a very big
Whoa, slow down! This place just doesn't
feel like home. It just isn't...cosy.
Ahh, I can barely move. It's perfect!
[Montage Scene. Fry and Bender clear out all the crap from the
apartment to the theme of The Odd Couple. Fry sweeps a load of
junk off a shelf into a bag then replaces a Slurm poster with
a poster of a woman in a bikini and Bender hangs up a poster
of a topless robot next to it. Fry and Bender both smoke a cigar.
Fry puts an old chair in a bag, Bender stamps it down and Fry
uses it as a beanbag. Bender puts a signed (and obviously stolen)
photo of Calculon on a shelf. Bender and Fry look around, satisfied.]
Man, it's a total sty! For the first
time in a thousand years, I feel like
Yeah! It's gonna be fun on the bun!
Y'know Fry, of all the friends I've
had, you're the first.
[Time Lapse. Later that night the Planet Express staff are arriving
at the apartment. The doorbell rings, Fry answers it.]
[Zoidberg walks in an burbles something.]
Happy housewarming, Fry! It's a miniature
fruit salad tree.
Ooh! Hey, Amy!
This is for you, Fry Zevulon the Great.
He's teriyaki style.
[Time Lapse. Bender lies on the beanbag and guzzles down a can
of beer. He tosses the empty can on a huge pile of cans.]
Wow, heavy drinking crowd! I'd better
go out for more beer.
Hey, hang on, All My Circuits is about
I know, but I need alcohol to power
up my batteries. If Calculon's wedding
doesn't go just right I'll be emotionally
and electrically drained.
[He leaves. Fry turns on the TV but all that's on is static.
He nudges the screen and All My Circuits comes on. He thumbs-ups.]
[Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate.]
These are mighty tasty!
Thank you, I made them myself.
[Hermes chokes and spits the claws out.]
Shh, the wedding's about to start!
If anyone here objects to this union,
let them speak now or forever hold their
[He is interrupted by some beeping. It is the same robot that
was in the bushes when Calculon proposed.]
Is he objecting or backing up?
Looks like both.
I'm afraid my half-brother is correct.
You see, I have a terrible secret and
that secret is --
[Bender walks in and the picture cuts to static. Everyone groans.]
Oh, this isn't right.
Oh, come on!
[Fry bangs his fist against the screen and Bender comes back
in with beer.]
Hey what happened to the TV?
It just went out.
This is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell
at the manager!
[He storms out and the TV comes back on. Everyone cheers.]
(shouting) Come back, Bender, its working!
To reiterate, my terrible secret is
[Bender comes back in and the TV cuts out again. Everyone groans.]
It's out again.
What? That's the last straw!
It's back on!
[Bender comes back in with Hattie and the TV goes out once again.
Pardon me. I don't mean to pry into
what you're doing in here with the crab
and the one-eyed lady and the Chinese
girl but everyone on this floor is having
trouble with their TV reception.
Yeah! And you'd better get rid of whatever's
causing it or we're outta this dump!
Relax, sonny. This kajigger'll find
the source of the interference.
[She points a thing around the apartment and it beeps slowly.
She points it at Bender's antenna and it beeps faster. The other
tenants come in, complaining about their TV's. Hattie points
the thing at Bender's antenna again.]
What's going on?
We want our TV back!
There's your problem.
Oh, my God, Bender, it's your thingy!
Then get rid of it!
You people are nuts. My antenna never
interfered with my old TV.
You had cable. This is satellite.
Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted
on the same frequency.
They're on my cell phone too.
Madam, I believe you're mistaken!
[She turns her phone on. Bender's thoughts are indeed on it.]
Wow, that lady's got a huge ass!
Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat
The robot has to go!
Get him out of here!
Well, you heard the mob!
Fine! Come on, Fry, let's move to that
apartment that smelled like a sewer.
You liked that one, right?
It's tempting, but, well, I am already
kinda settled in here.
Or we could live underground with the
mutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's
Uh, listen, is there maybe some way
we could do this with you going and
me not going?
I don't understand.
Well, you were gonna live in the closet
anyway. Won't you be just as happy back
in your old place?
But, then we wouldn't be roommates.
I'll come visit sometime. And you can
visit me here.
No he can't.
Anyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This
way we'll both be happy.
(downbeat) Happy. Yeah, that's Bender.
[Bender walks out of the room and down the corridor.]
Hey, the TV's back on!
We are gathered here to mourn the death
of Calculon; Industrialist, private
Mind if I give the eulogy?
Calculon! You're alive!
[Everyone cheers on the TV and in the apartment.]
[Time Lapse. Everyone is beginning to leave.]
Right, so long.
(crying) Do you think Calculon's evil
twin will ever walk again?
I don't know, Amy. I just don't know.
[Amy slips over again.]
Hey, thanks for coming.
[He closes the door but Leela puts her elbow in it and forces
it back open.]
Fry, you're Bender's best friend. How
could you let that mob kick him out?
Ah, come on. Bender loves mobs.
Only when he's in them and you know
it. You really hurt his feelings.
Don't girl me with that girl stuff.
Bender and me are guys. Guys don't have
Bender's not a guy, he's a robot.
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender opens his apartment door
and looks in.]
It's so big and empty.
[He goes in and closes the door.]
[Cut to: Bender's Apartment.]
My roommate's gone. And all he left
behind was an eyelash and three skin
flakes. Oh, what's the point?!
[He throws the bottle down and it smashes.]
[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is fixing the ship with laser
fuel. She sees Bender walk into the conference room. He has orange
rust around his mouth and his door is flapping open.]
Bender? My God, you're a mess!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender groans and falls onto
the couch. Leela follows him in.]
Leave me alone!
Look at that five o'clock rust. You've
been up all night not drinking, haven't
Hey. What I don't do is none of your
Please, Bender. Have some malt liquor.
If not for yourself then for the people
who love you.
I hate the people who love me and they
Oh, now look. It's obvious you miss
being Fry's roommate. But there's got
to be a better way to deal with this.
Like how? Having my antenna removed?
Well, if that would work.
Are you crazy? That's Little Bender
you're talking about. I can't cut it
off. You're not a robot or a man so
you wouldn't understand. I gotta get
out of here.
Wait! I want you to look me in the eye
and promise you won't get behind the
wheel without some kind of alcoholic
beverage in your hand.
I promise nothing!
[He runs out.]
[Bender is walking down a street drunk á la The Lost Weekend
and he finally ends up in an alleyway lying on his back, leaking
oil from under his arm. He sees his reflection in the pool of
oil and hits it.]
[Apartment. Fry opens the door. Leela is there.]
I can't just stand by and be silent
about Bender anymore.
Silent? You've been meddling for two
Well I can't just do that anymore. Your
best friend is out there somewhere destroying
Really? I didn't think he'd miss this
apartment that much.
He doesn't care about the apartment,
he cares about you. And you turned your
back on him.
Oh, man. I had no idea. If only I knew
where he was I'd go talk to him.
[The TV cuts out.]
Oh, stupid TV! Bender! You're blind
That's right! I'm sober and crazy and
I don't know what I might do!
Don't do it!
I don't know what it is yet. Oh, yeah,
now I remember. I thought I could live
alone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do
what it takes to be your roommate again.
[He takes a pair of clippers out of his chest cabinet.]
Cutting Leela's head off won't solve
No, I'm going to chop off my antenna.
Hey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give
you a hand?
Fry, don't help him mutilate himself.
But it's a useless antenna. It's not
like he's a ham radio or something.
I'm gonna do it! I'm really gonna do
it! Don't try and stop me! Here goes.
[Fry smiles. He sighs, cuts it off and throws it out the window.
The TV comes back on. Calculon is with Human Friend who is in
a hospital bed.]
Hey, it works! The static's gone.
I hate that this came between us, Calculon.
Me too. I'm filled with a large number
of powerful emotions.
You're my best friend. I'm sorry I
treated you so badly.
Apology accepted. After all, you're
You guys could learn a lesson from those
You're my best friend, Fry, I'm sorry
I treated you so badly.
Apology accepted. After all, you're
Wait a minute! You did it all backwards.
Fry's the one who should be......Oh,
[Fry and Bender laugh. Bender looks in the mirror and sighs.]
Nothing. I guess I'm just going to have
to get used to being half a robot.
Aww, this isn't right. Listen, Bender,
if we found your antenna could they
still reattach it?
Maybe. If we get it on ice right away.
[Outside Apartment Building. Fry, Bender, Smitty and URL search
for the antenna.]
[He holds up the antenna.]
You call that an antenna?
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Fry is holding his miniature
fruit salad tree.]
This time, you'll have all the human
comfort. We'll get a couple of toilets,
some food cookers, maybe a puppy.
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]
It's good to be home.
It sure is. By the way, I saved your
So that's where those skin flakes went.
Hmm, do you think this fruit tree's
going to get enough light?
There's a window in the closet.
[He pushes a button and a door swings open to reveal a huge living
space. Fry walks into it.]
This is huge! Bender, why don't I just
live in here?
In a closet? Oh, humans!