FUTURAMA
Episode 502
"JURASSIC BARK"
By
Eric Kaplan
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Not Affiliated With Futurama Brass
Knuckle Co.]
[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. Bender stands
in front of a mirror wearing a magician's outfit. Fry wears a
snazzy leotard. Bender speaks into the mirror.]
BENDER
Ahem! For my next trick, notice I have
nothing up my sleeves......and nothing
in my head. So if my lovely assistant
will kindly supply me with an ordinary,
non-fake pitcher of milk......behold
the milk has vanished! Exiled, perhaps,
to another dimension!
[He bows to his "audience." As he bows milk drips out from his
chest cabinet. Fry applauds.]
FRY
Amazing! That's why they call you "Bender
The Magnificent"!
BENDER
No it isn't!
[He throws the newspaper across the room into a bin. Fry sees
the headline: Archeologists Discover "Slice Of Old New York"]
FRY
Whoa! They discovered an intact, 20th
Century pizzeria! Just like the one
I used to work at!
BENDER
Interesting. No wait the other thing
- tedious!
FRY
Lets go check it out. You can see how
I lived before I met you.
BENDER
You lived before you met me?
FRY
Sure. Lots of people did.
BENDER
Really?
[Museum. Fry and Bender walk down a corridor to the exhibit.
Bender hums.]
[Cut to: Museum: Pizzeria.]
BENDER
Truly, they were as Gods who build this
place!
[A tour group enters.]
TOUR GUIDE
Next, we come to the splendidly preserved
wooden pizza paddle. Scientists theorise
it was used to gently discipline the
delivery boy.
[Fry crouches next to the robot delivery boy and fiddles around
with his hair so it looks like his robot counterpart's. He notices
a menu on the wall. A menu which says "Panucci's Pizza."]
FRY
Wait a second! This is Panucci's! I
used to work in this exact pizzeria!
And for your information lady, this
was not just used to paddle my butt,
it was also used to move pizzas and
crush rats.
TOUR GUIDE
I don't know where you get your facts
sir but I am a volunteer housewife with
45 minutes of orientation and a harlequin
romance about archeologists!
FRY
Don't wave your fancy degrees at me.
I recognise all this stuff. Petrified
sausages, Old Mr Patelli, and that's
-
[He gasps. There is a dog shaped black thing in the display case.]
[Flashback - August 1997.]
[Street. The dog sits in an alley scratching itself. It sees
Fry across the street delivering a pizza. Fry buzzes a buzzer.]
VOICE [ON BUZZER.]
Yes?
FRY
Pizza delivery for Mr......Seymour Asses.
VOICE [ON BUZZER.]
There's no one by that name here...or
anywhere. I hope that in time you'll
realise what an idiot you've been.
FRY
I wouldn't count on it.
[Cut to: Alley. Fry sits leaning against a wall. He opens the
pizza box and takes out a slice and starts to eat it. The dog
crawls out from behind a dumpster and whines. Fry sees him.]
FRY
Aww. Poor little guy. You look like
you haven't eaten in a month. Here......but
if Mr Panucci asks, your name is Seynour
Asses! I like you Seymour, you're not
constantly judging me like all the other
dogs - are you? Nah. We understand each
other. People think you're a dumb mutt
who smells bad, can't find a girlfriend
and has a crummy job. But you're keepin'
it real and call no man "Mister." Well
goodbye. Live long and prosper.
[He rides away. Seymour watches.]
[Cut to: Street. Seymour chases Fry, barking.]
[Flashback ends. Bender reacts to the petrified dog.]
BENDER
Yuck! That's the least appetising calzone
I've ever seen!
FRY
No! That's my dog in there! It's an
outrage I say!
[He grabs Bender's foot, smashes the display case and takes Seymour.
Bender hops around holding his foot.]
BENDER
Ow ow ow!
FRY
I'm taking him home and I'd like to
see anyone try and stop me. Uh-oh!
[Cut to: Street. The security guards literally throw Fry out
of the building. He bounces down the steps.]
FRY
Ow, oo ow, oo ah!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
BENDER
...And then he was ejected by the guards.
Needless to say, I was mortified.
FRY
Well it's not right to make my dead
pet an exhibit. That's like digging
up Lassie and putting her on display
in the Louvre.
AMY
Lassie is on display in the Louvre.
FRY
I know, I was deliberately describing
a similar situation.
FARNSWORTH
Why don't you try protesting? Like those
native Martians. Always whining that
people don't treat their ancestor's
bones with respect.
[He takes a slurp from a mug which look suspiciously like a Martian
skull.]
BENDER
Nah, protesting never works.
FRY
You're right. I'll give it a shot!
[Street. Fry is outside the museum holding a sign and a megaphone.]
CROWD (CHANTING)
What do you want?
CROWD
(chanting) When do you want it?
CROWD
Yaaay!
[He turns on a tape dances to the Hustle. Leela reads a book.]
LEELA
It says this part of The Hustle implores
the Gods to grant a favour. Usually
a Trans-AM.
[Flashback - July 1998 The Summer Of "I Still Know What You Did
Last Summer."]
[Street. Fry cycles down the street towards Panucci's singing.]
FRY (SINGING)
I'm walking on sunshine! Ooo-oo-ooh!
I'm walking on sunshine! Ooo-oo-ooh!
At a boy Seymour! Right here waiting
for me as always! Just like that huge
mushroom in my shower!
[He goes inside. Seymour follows through the dog flap.]
[Cut to: Panucci's Pizza.]
PANUCCI
Hey there's our little mascot! Aww
you been swimming in the sewer again?
You little rascal! Fry, cleanup!
FRY
Seymour, cleanup! Good dog!
PANUCCI
That's a good Seymour!
[A boy is playing an arcade game when he notices something is
wrong with his pizza.]
BOY
Yo! There's dog fur on my slice!
PANUCCI
Nah, that's vermicelli! No fur in here!
[He sneezes into the dough and continues rubbing it. Seymour
swims around in the tomato.]
FRY
He's so cute! He can do two things at
one time: Eat and swim. Ooo - three
things.
[Flashback ends. Fry is still dancing. It is raining. The music
is getting muffled.]
LEELA
Fry, its been three days. You can't
keep boogie-ing like this. You'll come
down with a fever of some sort.
[Two men - Ben Beeler and his associate Ray - walk out of the
museum. Beeler introduces himself.]
BEELER
Mr. Fry? I'm Dr Ben Beeler, the paleontologist
who discovered your dog, or as some
call it, the Beeler-saurus.
FRY
So do I get Seymour back? Are you caving
to political pressure?
BEELER
No we're sorry but there's just too
much that fossil can teach us about
dogs from your time.
FRY
His name was Seymour. He was once intimate
with the leg of a wandering saxaphonist.
He had wet dog smell, even when dry.
And he was not above chasing the number
29 bus.
RAY
The 29? Interesting.
BEELER
That's all I needed, Ray?
RAY
I'm good.
BEELER
OK then, here's your dog back.
[He takes Seymour's black fossil out of his briefcase and hands
it to Fry. He hugs him and chuckles.]
FRY
Seymour!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender the Magnificent has sawn Dr Zoidberg
in half. Although his feet look oddly human.]
BENDER
Lady and Gentleman! How 'bout a hand
for my temporary replacement assistant?
[Scruffy and Leela applaud. Zoidberg jumps out of one half of
the box. He is wearing Fry's leotard.]
ZOIDBERG
I was all in this part! Its magic!
[Bender beats him with his wand as he speaks.]
BENDER
You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard!
ZOIDBERG
Stop!
[Enter Farnsworth, Fry and Seymour.]
FRY
Good news everyone!
BENDER
Hooray, he's back! He's looking for
a garbage can to put that dog in! Here
you go buddy!
[He holds up a waste basket.]
FARNSWORTH
No, actually we've discovered Fry's
dog was fast-fossilised, preserving
it's cellular structure!
FRY
Which means...we can clone it! Seymour
will live again!
[Leela gasps.]
ZOIDBERG
A little land mammal!
FRY
Can you believe it Bender? I'm going
to have my best friend back!
[Bender turns away and starts to cry. His tears turn into balloons,
he cries doves and his antenna sprouts flowers.]
[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth has set up his cloning machine.
The crew look on. Enter annoying moron Cubert.]
CUBERT
Why the idiot convention?
FARNSWORTH
Ah Cubert, my precious babe. I'm going
to attempt to clone Fry's dog. Using
the very same apparatus I used to clone
you! Ooo look, there's a smidge of
toe still in here. You see, beneath
the fossil's crunchy, mineral shell,
there's still a creamy core of dog nougat!
[On the screen an arrow points to a yellow blob inside Seymour.]
FRY
So will Seymour remember how to sing
Walking On Sunshine?
FARNSWORTH
Amazingly yes. In cases of rapid fossilisation,
I can press this brain scan button,
retrieving Seymour's memories at the
precise instant of doggy death!
FRY
I'm gonna get my puppy back! In your
face, Grim Reaper!
BENDER
Crappy ineffective Reaper!
FARNSWORTH
I just need to reset the Clone-O-Mat
from Human Mode to Dog Mode.
[He turns a switch around to a picture of a dog. It is like a
child's toy.]
WOMAN'S VOICE
The dog says
FARNSWORTH
Uh-oh, this may take a while.
[He bashes the switch.]
[Flashback - December 31 1999. Fry is "teaching" a kid to play
an arcade game at Panucci's.]
KID
You stink loser!
[Panucci leans over the counter with the pizza.]
PANUCCI
Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. C'mon!
FRY
But I'm celebrating New Years Eve.
PANUCCI
Like you got squat to celebrate! You're
a delivery boy this millenium and you'll
be a delivery boy next millenium! What's
with Seymour? Its like he don't want
you to go. Or he thinks your pants is
too short or somethin'. Which is crazy
'cause frankly you look fabulous. Now
get goin'!!
[Street. Fry unlocks his bike. Seymour put his paw on the wheel
so Fry can't go anywhere.]
FRY
I won't be gone long Seymour. Just wait
here 'til I come back.
[He rides off. Seymour sits, waiting.]
[Applied Cryogenics. Fry knocks on a door marked Applied Cryogenics.
A sign underneath indicates No Power Failures Since 199[7]. No
one opens the door so Fry goes in.]
[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is empty and there are no lights
on. Weird pods line one of the walls. There are a few machines
around the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room.
Fry wipes some condesnsation from a window on one of the pods,
revealing the face of an inanimate man inside.]
FRY
Hello? Pizza delivery for......Icy Wiener?!
Aw crud! I always thought at this point
in my life I'd be the one making the
crank calls! Here's to another lousy
Millenium. What the?
[He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time.]
[Flashback ends.]
[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. In the kitchen
Fry unloads dog food into the cupboards. Enter Bender who notices
a dog collar on the side.]
BENDER
A dog collar for me? You shouldn't
have!
FRY
That's for Seymour.
[Bender takes it off.]
BENDER
Oh. Say why'd you get me a subscription
to the Daily Growl? That's not a reputable
journal of opinion.
FRY
Oh that's also for Seymour. I'm getting
everything ready for when he's cloned.
BENDER
Are you on the jump Fry? Why are you
wasting time on a creature of inferior
intelligence?
FRY
Hey he was smart. He could fetch.
BENDER
I can fetch.
[He runs out then back in again carrying an Easter Island Head.]
FRY
He could dig up bones.
BENDER
Hello? Charlamange? Plus, I'll bet
he couldn't create a laser show with
his head.
[The lights go out and Bender creates a laser show with his head.
Grooby music plays.]
FRY
Look Bender, this has nothing to do
with you.
BENDER
That's impossible!
FRY
Now if you'll excuse me I'm working
on Seymour's doghouse.
[He points to a kennel and holds a sign saying "Seymour" ready
to nail it on. Bender walks out.]
BENDER
No one ever asks if Bender would like
to live in a tiny little house. Not
that I would. A tiny little house that
says "Bender" on it. Ow!
[Flashback - January 1st 2000. ]
[The Frys' House. Mr Fry is on the phone but can only hear Fry's
answerphone message.]
FRY [ON ANSWERPHONE]
This is Fry. If you're calling about
the used towels for sale, they're still
available for $45 each.
[The answerphone beeps.]
MR FRY
Phil, it's your father. Where are you?
You're holding up New Years brunch.
Your brother can't wait any longer.
[Yancy picks up a sandwich.]
YANCY
Hello first baloney of the new millenium!
Ah here he comes. That's him and Seymour.
[Mr Fry opens the door and Seymour runs in barking.]
MRS FRY
Well that's odd. Seymour's here but
- - Go! Go! Touchdown!! But where's
Philip?
MR FRY
I'm tellin' you the Y2K computer's got
him. We'll face burnin' roads, rivers
explodin' and calculators transformed
into SCUD missiles. There's nothing
we can do. What's that Seymour? You
walking on sunshine?
[He runs over to the door and scratches it.]
YANCY
He's trying to tell us something. Maybe
he can lead us to Philip.
[Cut to: Outside The Frys' House. Seymour runs out the front
door.]
YANCY
Should we follow him?
MR FRY
To our deaths? Negatory.
[Cut to: The Frys' House.]
MR FRY
It's the Y2K tryin' to lure us into
an ambush. And I ain't buyin' it. Pass
the baloney.
[He eats a sandwich.]
[Flashback ends.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Amy wrestle while Fry stands
at the side holding Seymour. Leela pins Amy down.]
FRY
Are you two gonna be done soon?
LEELA
Sorry, but we need to practice hand
to hand combat in case an enemy knocks
the laser gun out of our hands and they
slide waaay across the room.
FRY
Well could you do it some place else?
I'm setting up Seymour's doggy bed.
LEELA
OK.
[She drags Amy out of Fry's way. Fry kicks the mat out of the
way and puts Seymour's bed on the floor next to the couch. Enter
Bender and a Robo-Puppy.]
BENDER
Heel boy, heel! Oh hello Fry, I guess
I didn't notice you there. I'm having
such fun with my new best friend Robo-Puppy.
FRY (NOT CARING)
That's nice.
BENDER
I was just out walking him. Yes. You
can walk him. Of course, after he goes
you have to refill the canisters. C'mere
boy! Pet, pet, pet.
ROBO-PUPPY
Robo-Puppy receiving petting.
AMY
Bender, are you jealous of Fry's puppy?
That's so adorable!
BENDER
Jealous? Hah! Not while I have the
love of Robo-Puppy here. Robo-Puppy,
lick my cheek.
ROBO-PUPPY
Robo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek.
Robo-Puppy commencing cheek licking.
Licking in progress. Licking complete.
BENDER
Robo-Puppy truly is robots best friend!
Eh?
[Fry finishes the bed.]
FRY
Ah there, perfect!
[A fanfare sound sounds and a huge hologram of Farnsworth's head
appears in the room.]
HOLO-FARNSWORTH
Good news everyone! The Clone-O-Mat
is ready!
[The hologram disappears.]
LEELA
Woohoo!
AMY
Yay!
[Leela slams Amy down.]
FRY
Finally!
[Bender growls.]
ROBO-PUPPY
Robo-Puppy commencing two hour yipping
session. Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!
Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!
[Planet Express: Attic. The crew are standing in front of the
Clone-O-Mat. The roof is open.]
FARNSWORTH
Behold once more the mighty Clone-O-Mat!
Requiring such vast amounts of electricity
that we must harness the elemental power
of nature itself! I speak of course...of
molten lava! Deep within the Earth's
core. To the sub-basement!
[He pulls a lever and the Clone-O-Mat, crew and all go down.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Sub-Basement. Scruffy is pulling the
platform down. It topples but he rights it. Farnsworth steps
off.]
FRY
Come on boy! Come back to life!
[He pulls a chain and Seymour's DNA begins to be extracted. Enter
Bender The Magnificent.]
BENDER
Fry c'mon, the talent show!
FRY
What? I'm in the middle of something.
BENDER
But, if we don't perform, in what sense
do we have an act?
FRY
Bender, enough! Leave me alone!
BENDER
So that's how it is huh? I thought you
were my friend. But if you love your
dog so much then maybe you'd rather
play fetch!
[He picks up Seymour and throws him into the molten lava.]
LEELA
No!
ZOIDBERG
Oh!
[Seymour sinks. Fry gasps. Bender laughs and hugs Fry.]
BENDER
Now I'm all you got!
[Time Lapse. Fry starts weakly hitting Bender.]
FRY
I hate you! I hate you! You evil metal
man! Ow!
[He falls to the floor and curls up.]
BENDER
So anyway your dog is melted. Now we're
friends again.
FARNSWORTH
Not necessarily. For the dog may yet
survive.
FRY
May yet? Really?
FARNSWORTH
Indeed. You see, that fossil was made
of dolomite. The tough black mineral
that won't cop out when there's heat
all about. By contrast, observe the
lava's affect on this ice swan. Of
course, that would have melted even
at room temperature. I just wanted to
get rid of it. But had it been made
of that righteous mineral dolomite,
there's a slim chance it might have
survived.
FRY
So Seymour might still exist?
FARNSWORTH
Perhaps. For a few minutes. It's dolomite
baby!
FRY
Then I'm goin' in after him.
[He takes his jacket off and rips off his shirt. He pulls off
his trousers and runs for the lava.]
AMY
No!
ZOIDBERG
Stop!
FRY
He'd come after me.
[Flashback - January 1st 2000.]
[Cut to: Street. Seymour runs down a street and looks in Panucci's
window. He sniffs Fry's hand and face prints on the pavement.]
[Cut to: 99c Store. Seymour runs in and sniffs a photo of Fry
underneath a notice saying "Do Not Take Checks From This Man"]
[Cut to: Itelli's Barber Shop. Seymour runs in and sniffs some
red hair clippings. He eats some.]
[Cut to: Mr Putzz' Mini-Golf. Seymour looks through the railings.]
[Cut to: Street. Seymour runs down the street and sniffs around.
A door opens and someone throws out a pizza box. A Panucci's
Pizza box. Seymour runs inside.]
[Flashback ends. Fry takes a dive for the lava. Leela and Amy
push him to the ground.]
LEELA
Acting like a moron won't bring your
dog back.
FRY
Then all hope is lost. Goodbye Seymour.
[He cries.]
BENDER
Please stop crying Fry. Here. I assumed
you were just pretending to love the
dog. To toy with my emotions. Oh what
have I done?
[He starts to cry.]
ZOIDBERG
You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself
up.
BENDER
Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood
how someone can love an inferior creature.
Because I love you. Not in the way of
the Ancient Greeks, but in the way a
robot loves a human, a human loves a
dog and occassionally, a gorilla loves
a kitty. I'm goin' in!
FARNSWORTH
I'm a professor! Why isn't anyone listening
to me? You can't go in because you'll
melt. The fossil only has a chance because
it's made of dolomite!
BENDER
I'm 40% dolomite!
[He bags his chest and dives in. His hat and cape float on the
surface. Everyone gasps.]
[Cut to: Lava.]
BENDER
Oh it's hot, it's very hot!
[His casing starts to come apart.]
[Flashback - January 1st 2000.]
[Cryogenics Lab. Seymour barks at Fry, frozen in the cryo-tube.
A man fixes a radiator and a cryogenisist sits at his desk nursing
a hangover.]
CRYOGENISIST
Ugh, I am one hungover cryogenisist!
Just throw that mutt in the freezer
until his owners get here!
MAN
You can't solve all your problems by
freezing them boss.
CRYOGENISIST
I think you're forgetting our motto.
[He points at a sign that reads "You Can Solve All Your Problems
By Freezing Them!" Underneath in a cryo-tube is a woman with
a rolling pin and an apron. Probably the man's wife. Enter Mr
and Mrs Fry.]
MR FRY
Are you the cryogenisist who called
about our son's dog?
CRYOGENISIST
Oh you must be the Fry's. Yeah he's
right over there.
[He points to Seymour who is still yelping at Fry's freezer.]
MRS FRY
Sorry we're late, we all got sick from
eating bad baloney!
MR FRY
Y2K!
[Mr and Mrs Fry stand by Fry's freezer but they can't see him
inside.]
MRS FRY
What's he so worked up about?
MR FRY
He's just upset because our boy's missing.
C'mon you overgrown rat. Lead us to
Philip.
[Seymour struggles to go back to Fry but Mr Fry drags him out.]
[Flashback ends. Bender still hasn't returned to the surface.]
LEELA
Bender's been down there too long. I'm
going in after him.
[She starts to rip off her wrestling suit.]
FARNSWORTH
Professor! Lava! Hot!
FRY
This is all my fault. I let my best
friend risk his life just to get my
dead dog back. Bender!!
BENDER
And that is why they call me Bender
The Magnificent! Hey where'd everybody
go?
[Time Lapse.]
BENDER
OK! Let's clone us some dog!
FRY
Yeah!
FARNSWORTH
Very well. Let this abomination unto
the Lord begin! Interesting. It seems
Seymour died at the ripe old age of
15.
FRY
15? You mean he lived for 12 more years
after I got frozen?
FARNSWORTH
Indeed.
FRY
Stop the cloning.
[He picks up a spanner and hits the Clone-O-Mat with it.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh sure! Smash the smart guy's machine!
BENDER
Fry, what's wrong?
FRY
Think about it. Seymour lived a full
life after I was gone. He probably added
new songs to his repertoire.
BENDER
But that's a good thing. Walking On
Sunshine sucks noodles!
FRY
I had Seymour 'til he was three. That's
when I knew him and that's when I loved
him. I'll never forget him. But he
forgot me a long long time ago.
[He kisses Seymour and walks away.]
[Flashback - January 2nd 2000. The song I Will Wait For You from
the film Les Parapluies de Cherbourg plays. Seymour sits outside
Panucci's Pizza waiting for Fry to come back. It changes to summer,
then autumn, a snowy and rainy winter and back to spring. Panucci
gives Seymour a slice of pizza. It goes through autumn and winter
again. Seymour starts to age a little. The "U" from the "Panucci's
Pizza" sign falls on a man. An aged Panucci pats Seymour on the
head. Seymour continues waiting for Fry to return, and closes
his eyes...]
THE END
|
