Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: It's Like "Hee-Haw" With Lasers.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender, Amy, Hermes, Fry and
Zoidberg are gathered around the table. Enter Farnsworth and
Good news, everyone! You all know the
orphanarium where Leela grew up?
Sure. We talk about it all the time.
[Fry and Bender high-five.]
Well done, fellows! Anyway, said orphanarium
has named Leela orphan of the year.
Your parents must be so proud. Oops!
And the good news keeps on coming. Behold
my latest invention.
[He presses a button on a remote and the wall opens up. A big
machine with gauges and flashing lights slides forward.]
[Farnsworth pulls a switch on the machine and parts of it start
to move around and make noises like the gum machine in Willy
Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. A small green thing lands in
a tray on the side of the machine.]
Ta-da! It's a glow-in-the-dark nose
you can wear over your regular non-glowing
[He puts the nose on then presses a button on the remote and
the lights go off. His new nose glows.]
Now I can punch you in the nose in the
[Farnsworth sneezes and the nose flies off and lands on Bender's
face. The lights come back on and everyone stares at Bender.
He looks around.]
(snuffed) Where'd it go?
[Amy goes behind the machine. It is spewing out green waste into
Hey, Professor what's all this scloop,
glorking out of the machine?
That? It's uh...nothing. Yes, nothing.
If you think it's anything you're a
It looks like toxic waste. And it smells
like toxic waste.
What does it taste like?
[Hermes tastes it.]
Delicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good!
But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.
Alright, alright so the machine produces
a few toxic by-products! You don't have
to make a federal case out of it.
I'm afraid I do. I order you dispose
of that toxic waste properly, or bribe
me. Either way it'll cost $500.
500 real dollars? That's an outrage!
Professor, I'll take care of that waste
for $499 and 100 cents.
Hmm, I know that's a rip but I'll pay
for the convenience. Do you take credit
Let's find out.
[He swipes the card across his mouth.]
[Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Bender is holding a waste hose.]
Alright, environment, you've met your
[He chuckles. He starts pushing the hose over the railings towards
the street. On its way down the hose shoots some waste across
the road where it hits and partially dissolves a tree. The tree
falls onto a car which melts the road and disappears through
a hole. The hose stops by a manhole and pumps waste into the
sewers. Bender whistles and fans his money.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Vyolet the mutant crawls out
of the sewer in a wedding dress. She splutters.]
Hey, get back in the sewer, weirdy.
No mutants on the surface.
But he ruined my wedding dress.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]
Honey, that thing was ruined the minute
it went on you. That's what I'm talkin'
[He struts off with his cigar and money.]
[Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Auditorium. Party streams
have been put up and there is a banner which reads "Wall Of Fame
Induction. No Really Loud Snoring". Warden Vogel stands behind
a lectern, addressing the rows of children and the Planet Express
staff. Leela sits to his right in front of the wall of fame.]
Y'know, it's not easy being an orphan,
not if I have anything to do with it.
But today's honouree, Turanga Leela,
has really made something of herself
. I'll never forget the night that cute
little alien baby was abandoned on our
doorstep. Because I have a photographic
memory and I remember every night!
[Flashback - Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium: Vogel's
Office, 2974. Vogel is in his office and the doorbell goes. He
opens the door, looks around, then looks down. baby Leela is
in a basket. He picks her up and tickles her. Then he sees a
note, written in the alien language.]
What the...? An alien language? I guess
you're an alien. What a beautiful gigantic
eye you ha -- Well, come on in.
[Cut to: Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium: Hallway. Vogel
tosses the basket into an already high pile.]
From those humble beginnings Leela went
on to become a county-certified starship
captain. And so it is my pleasure today,
to nail her picture alongside those
of our most distinguished alumini.
[The crowd cheers. Vogel starts to hammer a nail into the wall.
Leela stands up.]
Thank you very much. Like many of you
I never knew my parents...
Give me a -- argh!
...I don't know if they were mighty
alien overlords or simply underpaid
alien janitors who fought crime on the
(shouting) It's crooked!
...In the end though, it doesn't matter
who my parents were. All that matters
is what I learned here, within these
unscalable walls, that I have strength
to make it on my own, just like all
of you kids here today.
[The kids in the audience cheer.]
(chanting) Leela! Leela! Leela!
[Nina puts on an eye patch.]
Look at me! I'm Leela!
Nuh uh, 'cause I'm double Leela!
[He covers both his eyes and runs into the wall. Leela's picture
That's it, Albert, no more espresso
[Time Lapse. Leela is talking to Fry.]
Mind if I get a picture of you with
your picture for the news, ma'am?
Yes! I mean no! Just make sure you get
my nonchalant side!
[One of the guys from the wall runs in behind Leela to get in
on her photo.]
[Planet Express: Corridor. Fry is walking when he hears Leela
[Cut to: Planet Express: Locker Room. Leela is sat crying. She
takes her wrist thing off, there is a bracelet under it.]
If those aren't tears of happiness,
please stop crying.
(crying) It's OK, Fry, I'm fine. I won
an award today.
Is it this room that's making you sad?
It's probably the room. Come on, lets
go for a walk.
[Outside Planet Express. Fry and Leela walk out of the building
and walk down the street by the river. Leela has calmed down
I'm sorry you saw that, Fry. I usually
try to keep my sadness pent up inside
where it can fester quietly as a mental
Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
I told a whole crowd today that being
an orphan made me strong. But all I
really wanted was a mom and dad, to
hold me and stroke my hair and tell
me they loved me.
Then today's your lucky day because
I happen to be a holding, stroking,
lovin' machine! Also spankin'!
That's not even close to what I had
Well, anyway, just remember that people
care about you.
I know. Sometimes when I'm lonely,
I look up at the sky and I get this
feeling that somewhere, on some unknown
planet, circling a distant star, my
parents are up there, looking down on
[From the sewers a pair of cyclopses look up at Leela.]
[Outside Planet Express. The next morning Bender backs up a truck
to the manhole outside the Planet Express building. He hums to
himself. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]
Yo yo, Bezender! What up?
My dumping business is booming. I just
got hired to clean up the set of Free
[He presses a button and the truck tips out a whale. Bender forces
it down the manhole by stamping on it.]
Bender! Cut it out! First of all the
sewer mutants will be mad. Second, everything
else that's horribly wrong with what
Ah, those stupid mutants can't do anything.
You seem to be forgetting one simple
fact, namely, I'm up here and they are
safely down --
[Green sewage erupts from a fire hydrant and the manhole. Bender
screams. The manhole grows bigger and bigger. Three mutants grab
Fry, Leela and Bender and pull them undergroup. They scream.
The hole carries on growing and takes Bender's dump truck with
[New New York Sewer. Fry, Leela and Bender are tied up and suspended
over a pool of green sewage.]
(shouting) What did I do to deserve
Behold, our once beautiful mutigenic
The radioactive waste you dumped in
it has made it brighten up to see how
ugly we really are.
[She and Dwayne look at each other and cringe.]
As if our lives weren't miserable enough
Tell me about it!
Let the punishment commence!
The instant you touch these mutatious
waters your DNA will be forever altered,
turning you into horrible mutants like
us. Especially him! Allow me to demonstrate!
[He pulls a lever and a rat is lowered into the sewage. It comes
back up as a green pig with fins and bat wings. Leela and Bender
groan and Fry wretches.]
It's like that time I peeked in the
kitchen at Imperial Hunan.
Submerge the prisoners.
[The crew are lowered towards the sewage. Bender starts to panic
but suddenly comes to a realisation.]
Wait. I don't even have DNA. Why am
We're gonna beat you afterwards.
[Bender continues panicking.]
(chanting) Mutate! Mutate! Mutate! ...
[Two hooded figures emerge from the crowd.]
HOODED FIGURE #1
(shouting) Turanga Leela!
Who said that? How do you know my real
[The hooded figures climb onto the crane holding the crew over
the sewage and turn it so they are no longer suspended over the
What are you doing? Stop it.
[Fry, Leela and Bender fall to the ground.]
I don't know. I think I saved us somehow.
(shouting) Go after them! The waters
can't mutate us mutants!
[The mutants dive into the sewage and swim across. Fry, Leela
and Bender run away.]
[Cut to: Mutant Town. Fry, Leela and Bender run down past the
cafe's and Starbucks's.]
They went this way!
[The crew stop outside an empty-looking building.]
Quick! In there!
[He picks up Fry by his ankle and swings him at the window, breaking
it. He and Leela jump in. Fry crawls in after them. The mutants
run past unaware they are chasing no one.]
Kill! Kill! Kill!
[Cut to: Building. The trio dust themselves off and look around.
Leela sees a wall full of newspaper clippings and things to do
Great chichi's ghost!
What's this junk?
It looks like...a timeline of my whole
[Fry sees a familiar newsclipping.]
That's when we saved Earth from a giant
asteroid of garbage.
And here's when I dropped out and bummed
around India for a while.
And this is just last year at Space
Its like some kind of weird Leela museum...and
I'm the Leela!
(whispering) Dude! Over here!
[Leela and Bender walk over to where Fry is, next to a shelf
with lots of Leela stuff on it.]
It's all the best stuff I ever flushed
down the toilet! Those are some of my
diary pages. And my screenplay!
And also - for some reason - the letter
I wrote you full of my personal feelings.
Oh, I'm scared! My whole life has
just been a show for some perverted
[The mutants approach the building.]
They must be in here.
Yeah, after them.
And then Bender ran!
[He and Fry run for the door. Leela is still standing by the
Leela, freak out later. We're not done
[She doesn't move. Fry and Bender try to pull her away but she
stays rooted to the ground. The mutants run in and grab them.]
[He kicks Fry in the shin.]
This time I'm calling for the death
penalty. And not just because I'm running
for re-election as Supreme Mutant.
(chanting) Four more years! Four more
[The hooded figures emerge from the crowd again. One taps Raoul
on the shoulder and whispers to him.]
Oh, very well. Your attention. Instead
of being tortured to death, the prisoners
shall hereby be expelled from the sewers
and never allowed to return.
(sarcastic) Oh cruel fate! Can we really
never return to this dank pit of sewage?!
Wait a minute. Why aren't you gonna
kill us anymore?
Yeah! What are you chicken? Buk buk
(whispering) Shut up, you two! We can
kill ourselves when we get home!
They'll need transportation to the surface.
Bring in the airship.
[Some mutants haul in a pretty large patchwork balloon.]
We constructed it from the remnants
of old discarded Macy's parade balloons:
Underdog's groin, Bart Simpsons's left
ear and right shin, Garfield's owner
Fire up the sewer gas!
[A Triclops Mutant turn the ballon gas on. Fry, Leela and Bender
choke and gag. The balloon sails up and hits the roof of the
sewers. The Triclops puts a plank out to a ladder.]
Move it ya ugly normals!
[He forces Bender onto the plank. It wobbles. He looks down and
Uh, I'm gettin' dizzy! I can't walk
[He pulls a unicycle out of his chest cabinet and cycles along
the plank. Fry and Leela climb on and quickly move across. Leela
stops at the bottom of the ladder. The airship sails back down.
Bender opens the manhole and he and Fry climb out. Leela, still
on the ladder, looks back down.]
Come on Leela. You can do it!
Hurry! We're missing our bus!
[Leela climbs the ladder but looks back down again at the mysterious
hooded figures. She closes the manhole.]
Whoa! What are you doing?
I'm gettin' on the bus!
(shouting) Don't worry! I'll be fine!
(talking) They know something about
me and I've got to find out what. The
lake didn't mutate me. What is going
It worked for me. I used to be a little
blonde girl named Virginia.
Eurgh! Who the hell are you?
HOODED FIGURE #1
No one. And watch your language young
[They run off. She chases them. The Triclops gets in her way.]
Stop right there! I don't want to hurt
you. I didn't want you to hurt me either.
[Cookieville Orphanarium: Vogel's Office.]
Leela's going nuts and I can't save
her unless I learn more about her mysterious
past. Isn't there anything else you
can tell me?
Nah. Nothing that wouldn't be a waste
of your time.
That's impossible because my time is
Huh. Well then there is one thing.
It's the note I found with Leela the
day she was abandoned. But it's written
in Alienese, so no-one on Earth can
translate it. Not even Brainzilla.
Hand it over.
Sure. I just wish I could be more helpful.
Would you like some dirt on any other
Look, I'm trying to save someone here.
I'll have to come back for those later.
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry shows Farnsworth the paper.]
Can you translate it?
Of course. But only into Beta Crypt
3, a language so complex, there's even
less chance of understanding it.
I didn't ask for a completely reasonable
excuse. I asked you to get busy.
[He presses a button and the machine that makes glow-in-the-dark
noses comes out of the wall again. Farnsworth feeds the paper
Isn't that the same machine that makes
It can do other things. Why shouldn't
it? Of course, even if it is possible
to analyse the message there's no way
of knowing how long it would take. It
could take an hour or it could take
a hundred million years.
[The machines dings.]
Is it done?
Certainly not. Two dings means it's
done. But not like that. Slightly more
[Two slightly more rapid dings. Fry gasps. Farnsworth shakes
[New New York Sewer. Leela chases the hooded figures through
the tunnels but loses them where some pipes cross.]
Where did they go?
[Some rubbish falls on her from above.]
Good news, Leela. I landed the contract
to empty all the spitoons in Little
[He empties a spitoon. Leela rolls out of the way of the spit.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry is pacing up and down
while Farnsworth is asleep. The machine rapidly dings twice.
Farnsworth wakes up.]
That's it, it's done! I can't believe
it! My mind is boggling. The analysis
of the note is printing out now.
[A dot matrix printer prints off the analysis. Fry tears it off
and they both start to read it. Fry gasps.]
[Flashback: 20-Something Years Ago. 100-Something Feet Underground.
A baby is born in the house Fry, Leela and Bender hid in in the
It's a girl.
[Two cyclopses look at their baby cyclops. The mother has tentacles
and the ather's mouth is sideways.]
My God! She's beautiful. No extra anythings.
[The father reaches his hand out. The baby grabs his finger and
What people skills.
She's completely perfect!
In my professional opinion as an ear,
ear, ear, nose and throat doctor, she
is the least-mutated mutant ever born.
And yet she's cursed to live the horrible
degrading life of a mutant. Like all
of us. Especially him!
[He points at the Leg Mutant.]
Maybe we can do better for her.
[Outside Cookieville Minimum-Secuirty Orphanarium. The mutants
come out of a manhole near the building with their baby. They
put it in a basket outside the front door. The father puts a
bracelet on the baby's wrist.]
I made this bracelet so that in some
small way, we'll always be with you,
even when it doesn't seem like it. During
your entire life, for example.
[He kisses her.]
You won't pass for human, cutie. But
if my PhD in exo-liguistics is worth
diddly-poop, this note should convince
them you're an alien. And that'll be
enough to give you a real life.
[She kisses the baby, puts her hood up and runs down the steps.
The father rings the doorbell and follows her. Warden Vogel opens
the door and sees the baby. The parent's watch from the manhole.]
She'll never know we're her parents.
That's our gift to her. Better we should
die than have her learn the shameful
truth of her origin.
I'm with you.
[They hug. Then turn to watch Vogel.]
What a beautiful gigantic eye you ha
-- . Well come on in.
[The parents watch Leela disappear inside, hold their breath
and dive into the sewers.]
[New New York Sewers. Leela is still chasing the hooded figures.
They run into the building and lock the door. Leela climbs a
pole and jumps onto the roof.]
[Cut to: Building.]
HOODED FIGURE #1
Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us.
HOODED FIGURE #2
What's there to talk about?
HOODED FIGURE #1
[Leela stands behind them.]
Hands up! Tentacles too!
[The other one puts her tentacles up.]
HOODED FIGURE #1
Don't say anything stupid, Morris.
What is all this? Am I a game to you?
Or some kind of even more boring Truman
Show? Do you belive I'm you Messiah?
Your Mutant Dali Lama? Stop me if I
HOODED FIGURE #2
Well actually there --
[Hooded Figure #1 stops him.]
HOODED FIGURE #1
(angry) And what about this?! How did
you get this bracelet? Did you steal
it from me when I was a baby? Or from
my parents. You robbed my parents, didn't
you? I bet you sick mutants killed them.
My parents were confused aliens lost
on Earth and you killed them! Is that
it? Admit it!
HOODED FIGURE #2
(sombre) Yes. We killed them.
HOODED FIGURE #1
You guessed the truth.
Because of you I'll never know my parents.
I'll kill you!
[She raises her gun.]
HOODED FIGURE #1
That would be best.
[Time Lapse. Leela charges her laser. It bleeps. The hooded figures
hold each other.]
Stop! Thanks Bender! Don't do it Leela!
They killed my parents!
[He walks behind the hooded figures and pulls their hoods off.
They are the mutants from the flashback. Leela lowers her gun.]
They are my parents.
I had the Professor analyse the alienese
letter that was found with you.
What does it say?
I 'unno. But the analysis showed it
was printed on recycled toilet paper.
A squeezably soft paper used mainly
in the sewers.
[Leela's mother takes the paper.]
It says, "Your parents love you very
We still do.
So, I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant.
We never wanted you to know. You deserved
a better life.
You must despise us.
(crying) You're my parents. All I've
ever wanted is to know you. This is
the happiest moment of my life.
[They cry. It starts to rain.]
[Cut to: New New York Street. It isn't raining - Bender is emptying
a spitoon on them.]
[Flashbacks. Over the flashbacks Pizzicato Five's Baby Love Child
plays. Baby Leela crawls down a corridor at the Orphanarium and
nearly falls down the stairs. Her father's arm comes out of the
wall and turns her around. Young Leela sits at a desk in her
room studying. Her mother's tentacle comes through the toilet
and puts a box of cookies on her desk. Leela smiles and eats
them. Adolescent Leela walks around New New York on her birthday
with no friends. Her mother puts a present on the pavement for
her. She reads the message with it: Happy Birthday Leela. Mid-twenties
Leela tosses and turns in bed. Her father puts his arm through
the laundry chute and pulls the sheet over her. She smiles and
goes to sleep.]
Writers : Kristen Gore
Genres : Animation Comedy