"LESS THAN HERO"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Soon To Be A Major Religion.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela dials the videophone and
it connects. The SewerCom logo appears on the screen.]
(Pleasant Female Voice) Your call is
being (Gruff Alien Voice) connected
(Pleasant Female Voice) by SewerCom
- Reach out and touch the sewers.
[Leela's parents, Morris and Munda, appear on the screen.]
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
Look Morris, it's Leela calling.
Hi Mom, hi Dad! Ready for your big trip
to the surface?
MORRIS [ON SCREEN]
We're excited honey but we don't wanna
embarrass you. I mean your mother and
I are basically monsters.
Dad, relax. You are being so mutant!
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
I found this adorable little bag to
wear over my head. And it was on sale!
No one's wearing anything adorable over
their head. Now listen, I could never
ever be ashamed of my parents. I'll
see you this weekend.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Bender and Fry have a game
of poker at the table while Hermes and Amy relax on the sofa.
Hey, guess who I just got off the videophone
My parents! They're coming up from the
sewers for a visit Sunday.
[Everyone gasps and reacts in horror.]
Are you off your rocket? Your parents
are mutants. It's illegal for them to
come above ground 'cause they're inferior
genetic scum..uh present company excluded
I'm getting them a special one-day surface
permit from Citihall.
Ooo, while you're there, could you pick
me up a licence to kill?
Sure. Bare hands or weapon?
Uh, what does piano wire count as?
Good news anyone, the Swedish robot
from pi-kea is here with the supercollider
Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap!
[As it rolls out, one of it's wheels falls off and it's shelf
breaks. Fry, Leela and Bender open the box. Fry picks up the
Let's see what tools we'll need. Uh-huh,
Uh-huh, Uh-huh! Alright, we're all
[Bender takes a board out of the box and puts it down.]
Nothing like the rustic wholesomeness
of working with one's own hand.
[His hand starts spinning like a circular saw and he cuts the
board in half.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela tighten the last nut with Bender.]
Ah, there, finished. And with only six
Those Swedes sure know how to put in
almost everything you need.
[Leela rubs her arm.]
Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like
I just went ten rouns with Mighty Thor.
[Fry rubs his shoulder.]
I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg rummages through
a cupboard and produces a tube of ointment.]
I've got just the thing, genuine miracle
cream I bought from a travelling salesman.
"Come one come all," he said, "Step
right up!" This sounds too good to be
true I thought. He said I looked like
a smart young man. "So is it a deal?"
I enquired. Two hours later he was gone,
with 60 of my dollars. But I have the
[The wall explodes and a charred Farnsworth tumbles through it
and lands in a crumpled heap on the other side of the room.]
Bad news nobody, the supercollider super-exploded.
I need you to take it back and exchanged
it for a wobbly CD rack and some of
those ransid meatballs.
[He climbs back through the hole.]
[Street. Leela and Fry tow the pi-kea box on a trolley when a
mugger steps out in front of them with his hat covering something
in his hand.]
Excuse me? Hi! Do you have a minute?
I live in Jersey City and my car broke
down and I need to get back because
my Aunt's real sick and she needs this
medicine but I need money for the bus.
So I'm mugging you. Hand over your wallets.
I don't believe that story for a second.
It doesn't matter, I'm mugging you.
There's no bus to Jersey City.
Give me your wallets now or my robot'll
[He pulls his hat off his hand, revealing a small robot names
Andrew with a gun.]
Don't make me hurt you.
[Fry and Leela shriek. Fry fumbles for his wallet.]
I'm too scared to find my pocket. Here,
I'll just take of my pants and give
[He starts to unzip them. The mugger cringes and puts his hand
to his face.]
Hey! I don't like what I'm seeing. Give
it to him Andrew! Give it to him again
Andrew! What the...? Laser proof shirts
huh? I'll show you.
[He picks up a pipe and hits Leela with it. It harmlessly bends
as it hits her.]
What the? Hey! Quit it! Heyya!
[She grabs the mugger between her legs, spins him around and
throws him against a wall.]
Foiled. And after years of planning.
You're outta the game!
[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry sits on the steps while Leela paces
How did we manage to survive? What gave
us those strange powers?
Maybe we're all wearing magic rings
but they're invisible rings so we don't
even realise it. Also you can't feel
[Leela picks up Zoidberg's miracle cream and rubs some on her
neck. She reads something on the tube and gasps.]
Fry, shut up and look at this! (Reading)
May cause superpowers in humans!
Wow! A superpowers drug you can just
rub into your skin? You'd think it'd
be something you have to freebase.
Let's see, which powers do we have?
[Fry karate chops a table in half and Leela kicks a hole in the
Uh-huh. Lickety speed?
[The both run very fast to the other end of the hangar.]
Yes sir! Ability to command a loyalty
of sea creatures?
Hey Zoidberg, get in here!
Ain't got that.
Wow, superpowers! I'll be able to pack
my day with twice as many humdrum activity.
Leela, I think you're missing the big
picture. When you were a kid what was
your biggest fantasy?
To have parents.
Whatever. The correct answer is: To
be a superhero. We have superpowers
and we're Americans. This is our chance.
Hmm, I have been looking for a way to
serve the community that incorporates
my violence. Let's do it!
You'll barely regret this!
Hey, a friend of mine said he mugged
you today and you had superpowers.
It's true. Thanks to this funky fresh
Now me and Leela are forming an awesome
Wow, crime-fighting. Cool. You say you're
a duo? Yeah duos are good. Of course
sometimes they're a little short handed.
See ya. With two humans you'd think
there'd be a robot in there...to balance
things out. But, whatever. I have these
three costumes you could use. But, I
guess I'll just throw one away.
We'd love to have you on the team Bender.
But aren't you more on the supply side
Plus the cream won't give you superpowers,
you're a robot.
So? I'm already super-strong. And my
arms do this. Also I got this going.
[His cabinet door opens and closes by itself. Fry and Leela shrug
at each other.]
[Planet Express: Roof. The trio, in their superhero garb, stand
on the roof looking across New New York.]
Listen up New New York! There's a new
group of superheros in town! And we're
(shouting) Sorry! (whispering) A new
era of justice has begun.
[In a similar style to old superhero TV series', we see crime
happening across the city. A narrator fills us in on who is going
to stop this crime...]
[The scene changes to a backdrop with The New Justice Team's
logo on it. Fry bursts through it.]
[Leela bursts through.]
[Bender bursts through and pushes Leela aside.]
And Superking! The best one of the three!
[Scenes: Park. The New Justice Team's theme tune starts playing
and the scene cuts to a park where Petunia is sitting on a bench
feeding some rats. A thief snatches her bag.]
Go Go New Justice Team,
[Captain Yesterday swoops in front of the thief.]
>Go team, go team, team team team,
[The thief dodges him and heads for a travel tube.]
Who's the newest Justice Team,
The New Justice Team!
[Captain Yesterday runs along the top of the tube. The thief
looks up and sees him and Captain Yesterday follows him underwater.]
Captain Yesterday is fast,
Also he is from the past,
Not just fast but from the past...
He runs ahead to the end of the tube.]
[Captain Yesterday turns the tube towards a police station and
the thief flies out and into it. Superking takes Petunia's bag.]
Superking has the power,
'Cause all the kings have all the power,
All the power of Superman,
Also he's a robot, ain't it cool?
Superking you rule!
[Scenes: Street. Clobberella looks down from a rooftop and sees
an alien's cat is stuck up a tree.]
Clobberella beats you up,
Clobberella beats you up!
Who does she beat up?
[Clobberella brings the cat safely down from the tree and hands
it to the alien. The alien eats it.]
[Scenes: Rooftops. The New Justice Team jump from rooftop to
Citizens never fear,
Crazy do-good freaks are here,
Until they run out of steam...
[Fry and Leela fall from a rooftop into a bin.]
...Miracle cream, miracle cream,
Gives the power to the team!
[Clobberella takes the miracle cream out of her boot and she
and Captain Yesterday rub it on themselves and spring back into
It's effects wear off for sure,
So they just slop on some more.
The New Justice Team!
[Bender lands in front of them.]
[Street. A crook is put into the back of a police van. Crowds
cheer the New Justice Team.]
Captain Yesterday, I find your skintight
highwaters incredibly sexy! Let's get
Sure. I'm listed in the phone book so
once I reveal my real name to you along
with my home address and a copy of my
birth certificate -
[Leela pulls him away from the woman.]
Are you crazy?? We have to keep our
secret identities secret.
Especially from everybody.
Give several reasons why.
For one, superheroes cause a lot of
collateral damage, and we don't wanna
get our butts sued.
Or do we...? No I guess not.
Also, if our identities get out, every
crook in the city will be after us.
Or, God forbid, our loved ones.
Superking has no need for loved ones.
How ya doin' kid?
[Mayor's Office. Mayor Poopenmeyer signs the permits for Leela.]
There you go. Two one-day mutant surface
Thank you Mayor Poopenmeyer.
[Poopenmeyer's phone rings.]
Mayor here...what's that? Horrible crime
in the works? Ruthless villain? Citizens
in danger? That's fantastic news! Because
I get to summon The New Justice Team!
[He presses the nose on a clown picture. Bender's antenna wobbles.
He clasps his hands around it.]
Uh, they're usually here by now.
Well, so long. Keep in touch.
[They start to leave.]
Wait, stay and meet the superheroes.
There's three of you and three of them
so it'll be perfect. Is this clown
on? Where are those daring crimestoppers?
Oh, I completely forgot, I left my apartment
Uh, as for me, I'm late for my LSAT's.
And I can't take life anymore.
[He runs and jumps through the window and flies back through
another one as Captain Yesterday. Clobberella and Superking run
in on the other side of the room.]
Clobberella! Captain Yesterday! My liege!
You're just in time! We've received
a tip that the Museum of Natural History
will be robbed tomorrow at exactly 9am.
The target: The priceless Quantum Gemerald!
Who's the perp?
[The hologram changes.]
A dangerous villain know as The Zookeeper,
who commits crimes aided by a pack of
highly trained animals.
Pack of highly. Got it!
His crew includes a badger with a troubled
past and nothing left to lose, an elephant
who never forgets - to kill! And a seldom
used crab named Lucky aka Citizen Snips.
You can count on us Mr Mayor! Justice
[She and Fry runs out with Bender gasping and puffing behind
Hold the elevator!
[Planet Express: Restroom. Leela addresses an envelope to her
parents and puts the surface passes in. Then she flushes it down
We're in here too.
Uh, Leela, how you gonna meet your folks
tomorrow? We've already scheduled the
Zookeeper for a 9am foiling at the museum.
Not a problem. I've cleverly arranged
to meet my parents right there at the
same museum at 10.
9, 10 a big fat hen. The name...Bender!
[Museum Of Natural History. People go about their business in
the museum whilst The New Justice Team sit atop a giant ant which
is suspended from the ceiling.]
I can't believe the Zookeeper is this
late for his own heist. It's just rude!
Total hell! It's 10! I'm supposed to
meet my parents and I'm still in my
secret costume! There they are!
[Morris and Munda look around, disappointed.]
How could Leela not be here? Do you
think she forgot?
Relax. I'm sure she's just ashamed of
Yo! Freakjobs! Hit the nearest manhole!
But we have passes that allow us to
be up here. From the mayor himself.
[Munda hands the passes to the security guard.]
I dunno...I never heard of no mayor.
[Enter the Zookeeper.]
Sorry I'm late, long story. Now everybody
hit the deck! I'm cutting the entire
line and stealing the exhibit.
[The New Justice Team drop to the floor in front of him.]
You're not stealing anything! Nobody
hit the deck!
Ah, superheroes! Or should I say superzeroes!
That was uncalled for.
[He blows a silent whistle and animal exhibits come to life and
break out of the glass cases. They run rampage.]
Please to not feed the animals!
[An elephant picks her up and eats her. In a scene lifted from
Batman The New Justice Team spring into action. A yak charges
towards Fry and he punches it. YAK!. Bender picks a fight with
a boxing kangaroo.]
You're going down my friend! Down Under!
[He laughs. The kangaroo punches him. 01001010!!!]
Man boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar
spectacle. But a kangaroo boxing a robot?
Now I'm afraid you've lost me! (shouting)
[The Zookeeper lifts a grate and pushes a snake through the hole.
The snake reaches into the Quantum Gemerald's case and takes
Nice job Fingers!
[He kisses it.]
I'm scared and confused. I think we've
wandered into an off-Broadway play.
No there are way too many people here.
[The Zookeeper runs up a flight of stairs.]
Later, if anyone asks how I got away,
tell them right now!
[Clobberella and Captain Yesterday leap in front of him.]
Forget it Zookeeper! You're going into
Fool! A quip without putting me behind
bars would have been far more delicious!
[He throws the Gemerald over the side of the stairs. Fry leaps
for it and goes over the edge too.]
No, Fry you can't fall fast enough!
[She runs down the stairs while the Zookeeper runs off in another
direction. Bender hold out his arms at the bottom of the staircase.]
I got it I got it! I don't got it!
[Leela dives in front of him and catches the Gemerald. Fry falls
on top of Bender. Everyone cheers.]
You've saved the Gemerald!
Yet the Zookeeper escaped. Thus proving
that the deadliest animal of all is
You can get off me anytime.
Oh no! My parents are leaving! I've
gotta go change back into street-Leela.
[She turns to leave but Mayor Poopenmeyer and several photographers
block her path.]
Thank you mysterious heroes. The value
of the Gemerald you saved is slightly
greater than the cost of the damage
you caused to this museum. A net gain
for our great city!
[The crowd cheers and Poopenmeyer kisses Bender's hand. People
take photographs. Leela looks around sadly.]
[Outside Museum Of Natural History. Morris sets some cones out
by a manhole.]
It's good that Leela doesn't love us.
She'll be less sad when we die.
[Morris lifts the manhole cover and helps Munda into it. He climbs
in after her, takes the cones and replaces the cover. Leela comes
out of the museum just as they disappear.]
Mom? Dad? I showed up! And I got the
audio tour for Treasures Of Liberachi's
[She looks around and sighs. She sits down on the step and cries.]
[Turanga House. Leela is with her parents.]
Sweetie, it's OK. You don't have to
apologise for standing us up on the
only visit to the surface we'll ever
I wanna tell you why I didn't show up.
But I can't. Just please believe me
that it was a very good reason. I'm
sorry I disappointed you.
Leela, you could never disappoint us.
We're so proud of everything that you
are. And we always will be. You're our
[They both smile.]
Oh, I can't take it! Mom, Dad, I'm Clobberella!
[She rips her clothes off revealing her Clobberella outfit. Munda
You're a superhero? Well that's wonderful!
But did you have to make the costume
[Morris puts his arm around Leela.]
Look at me! Proud dad of a superhero!
We should print up T-Shirts! And F-Shirts
for our friends with two arms on the
No, listen. It's very important that
you never ever tell anyone. Under any
What if I've had a few?
Dad, you drink? No. Not even then.
Alright. My sucker is sealed.
In fact, I shouldn't even be wearing
this around here. It was brisk, I dressed
That's my girl!
[Lake Mutagenic. Morris, Raoul and the Leg Mutant sit in a boat
So uh, anyway, my daughter's Clobberella.
Leela is Clobberella?
You're pulling me!
Shh, keep it under your sock. It's a
big secret. That's why I'm only telling
[Cut to: Shore Of Lake Mutagenic. A big eared mutant and a big
mouthed mutant overhear.]
BIG EARED MUTANT
Oh my God! That guy's daughter is Clobberella!
But don't tell anyone.
BIG MOUTHED MUTANT
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela and Bender
sit around the table. The Zookeeper appears on the screen.]
[Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]
I don't remember much buddy, and you're
Uh Professor, isn't it time for your
[He falls asleep. His chair flies out of the room.]
Zookeeper! How did you know our real
[He claps and a parrot lands on his shoulder.]
PARROT [ON SCREEN]
Leela told her parents. Leela's parents
[The Zookeeper gives it a cracker.]
Leela, is the person that parrot is
mimicking telling the truth by proxy?
Yes. My parents were so hurt, I couldn't
help it! (angry) But I distinctly told
them not to tell anyone.
[Bender puts on his Superking crown.]
We are not amused.
[He claps and gorilla comes in pulling a cage. In the cage are
Leela's parents. Leela gasps.]
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
Leela please forgive us! Especially
your father who's the one who told thank
you very much Morris.
Are you alright? Has he hurt you?
MORRIS [ON SCREEN]
No but my allergies are going nuts.
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
Every couch and table has animal fur
all over it. He lets them climb on everything!
Alright Zookeeper, what do you want?
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
Save us Leela! I mean...if you don't
have anything better to do.
[A pirhana walks past the camera and bites it. The picture cuts
We're out of options. We have to steal
But, should superheroes commit crime?
Even to save lives? I need moral guidance.
Hmm, the thought of stealing anythig
fills Superking with disgust. But if
it must be so, then let a museum heist
[Planet Express: Locker Area. Leela opens her locker. The miracle
cream tube is empty. Fry picks it up.]
Oh no! Our superpower cream is out of
Check inside the cap! There might be
a caked in goldmine!
[Fry unscrews the cap and looks inside.]
El zilcho! I'm afraid we're boned.
El zilcho...is it too late to change
my superhero name?
[Museum Of Natural History. Enter The New Justice Team.]
Just be cool. Nobody knows we're superpowerly
Man, this costume is so damn heavy!
Hey Captain Yesterday, can I like, wail
on you with this 2x4 and it doesn't
[He whacks Fry.]
Owww! That...didn't hurt.
Hi superheroes, everything OK?
Big O, little k my friend! Just checking
if everything's alright!
It's OK alright!
OK then. Grab it!
[Bender's arm extends, breaks the display case and grabs the
Gemerald. The crowd gasps.]
Yo, the superheroes have turned evil!
Stay back! Or we'll, beat the tour out
of you...using superpowers!
[Bender makes ghostie noises.]
[Cut to: Outisde Museum Of Natural History. The superheroes run
out and down the steps.]
So this is your lair?
Of course not. You think I'd show you
my lair? My lair's a million times nicer
OK, take it easy!
Well, here's your lousy Gemerald.
[The Zookeeper claps.]
[The hawk flies off his shoulder and picks up the Gemerald.]
That seemed unnecessary.
[Enter the gorilla with Morris and Munda.]
Our transaction is complete. Come Solomon,
to the lair.
[The gorilla picks him up and runs off down a dark passage.]
Mom, Dad, oh I'm so sorry I got you
kidnapped by a crazy madman who tried
to feed you to pirhanas.
We're just happy to be involved in your
No no, it's my fault for telling you
I was a superhero.
I just couldn't stand to have you to
think I was ashamed of you.
That's OK sweetie, but, it's natural
for children to be a little ashamed
of their parents.
Just like it's natural for parents to
be a little disappointed in their children...n-not
that we are.
But you could call a little more often.
And would it kill you to use some mouthwash?
[Leela hugs them.]
Hey Fry we've still got our costumes
on. Wanna steal some more stuff?
I guess, as long as you think it's right.
[Closing Credits. Over the credits are a montage of clips from
the episode as well as a new version of The New Justice Team
Go go go New Justice Team!
Fighting justice is their quest!
Superking, Clobberella, and the rest!
Here's to you New Justice Team,
Do the things that make your team,
Help each other, do some things!
Winners don't use drugs!
The New Justice Team!