FUTURAMA
Episode 506
"LESS THAN HERO"
By
Ron Weiner
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Soon To Be A Major Religion.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela dials the videophone and
it connects. The SewerCom logo appears on the screen.]
SEWERCOM ANNOUNCER
(Pleasant Female Voice) Your call is
being (Gruff Alien Voice) connected
(Pleasant Female Voice) by SewerCom
- Reach out and touch the sewers.
[Leela's parents, Morris and Munda, appear on the screen.]
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
Look Morris, it's Leela calling.
LEELA
Hi Mom, hi Dad! Ready for your big trip
to the surface?
MORRIS [ON SCREEN]
We're excited honey but we don't wanna
embarrass you. I mean your mother and
I are basically monsters.
LEELA
Dad, relax. You are being so mutant!
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
I found this adorable little bag to
wear over my head. And it was on sale!
LEELA
No one's wearing anything adorable over
their head. Now listen, I could never
ever be ashamed of my parents. I'll
see you this weekend.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Bender and Fry have a game
of poker at the table while Hermes and Amy relax on the sofa.
Enter Leela.]
LEELA
Hey, guess who I just got off the videophone
with?
BENDER
No.
LEELA
My parents! They're coming up from the
sewers for a visit Sunday.
[Everyone gasps and reacts in horror.]
AMY
Are you off your rocket? Your parents
are mutants. It's illegal for them to
come above ground 'cause they're inferior
genetic scum..uh present company excluded
of course!
LEELA
I'm getting them a special one-day surface
permit from Citihall.
HERMES
Ooo, while you're there, could you pick
me up a licence to kill?
LEELA
Sure. Bare hands or weapon?
HERMES
Uh, what does piano wire count as?
[Enter Farnsworth.]
FARNSWORTH
Good news anyone, the Swedish robot
from pi-kea is here with the supercollider
I ordered.
PI-KEA ROBOT
Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap!
[As it rolls out, one of it's wheels falls off and it's shelf
breaks. Fry, Leela and Bender open the box. Fry picks up the
instructions.]
FRY
Let's see what tools we'll need. Uh-huh,
Uh-huh, Uh-huh! Alright, we're all
set.
[Bender takes a board out of the box and puts it down.]
BENDER
Nothing like the rustic wholesomeness
of working with one's own hand.
[His hand starts spinning like a circular saw and he cuts the
board in half.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela tighten the last nut with Bender.]
BENDER
Ah, there, finished. And with only six
missing pieces!
FRY
Those Swedes sure know how to put in
almost everything you need.
[Leela rubs her arm.]
LEELA
Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like
I just went ten rouns with Mighty Thor.
[Fry rubs his shoulder.]
FRY
I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg rummages through
a cupboard and produces a tube of ointment.]
ZOIDBERG
I've got just the thing, genuine miracle
cream I bought from a travelling salesman.
"Come one come all," he said, "Step
right up!" This sounds too good to be
true I thought. He said I looked like
a smart young man. "So is it a deal?"
I enquired. Two hours later he was gone,
with 60 of my dollars. But I have the
miracle cream...
[The wall explodes and a charred Farnsworth tumbles through it
and lands in a crumpled heap on the other side of the room.]
FARNSWORTH
Bad news nobody, the supercollider super-exploded.
I need you to take it back and exchanged
it for a wobbly CD rack and some of
those ransid meatballs.
[He climbs back through the hole.]
[Street. Leela and Fry tow the pi-kea box on a trolley when a
mugger steps out in front of them with his hat covering something
in his hand.]
MUGGER
Excuse me? Hi! Do you have a minute?
I live in Jersey City and my car broke
down and I need to get back because
my Aunt's real sick and she needs this
medicine but I need money for the bus.
So I'm mugging you. Hand over your wallets.
LEELA
I don't believe that story for a second.
MUGGER
It doesn't matter, I'm mugging you.
FRY
There's no bus to Jersey City.
MUGGER
Give me your wallets now or my robot'll
shoot.
[He pulls his hat off his hand, revealing a small robot names
Andrew with a gun.]
ANDREW
Don't make me hurt you.
[Fry and Leela shriek. Fry fumbles for his wallet.]
FRY
I'm too scared to find my pocket. Here,
I'll just take of my pants and give
you those.
[He starts to unzip them. The mugger cringes and puts his hand
to his face.]
MUGGER
Hey! I don't like what I'm seeing. Give
it to him Andrew! Give it to him again
Andrew! What the...? Laser proof shirts
huh? I'll show you.
[He picks up a pipe and hits Leela with it. It harmlessly bends
as it hits her.]
LEELA
What the? Hey! Quit it! Heyya!
[She grabs the mugger between her legs, spins him around and
throws him against a wall.]
MUGGER
Foiled. And after years of planning.
ANDREW
You're outta the game!
[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry sits on the steps while Leela paces
around.]
LEELA
How did we manage to survive? What gave
us those strange powers?
FRY
Maybe we're all wearing magic rings
but they're invisible rings so we don't
even realise it. Also you can't feel
the rings.
[Leela picks up Zoidberg's miracle cream and rubs some on her
neck. She reads something on the tube and gasps.]
LEELA
Fry, shut up and look at this! (Reading)
May cause superpowers in humans!
FRY
Wow! A superpowers drug you can just
rub into your skin? You'd think it'd
be something you have to freebase.
LEELA
Let's see, which powers do we have?
Super-strength?
[Fry karate chops a table in half and Leela kicks a hole in the
wall.]
FRY
Yup.
LEELA
Uh-huh. Lickety speed?
[The both run very fast to the other end of the hangar.]
FRY
Check.
LEELA
Yes sir! Ability to command a loyalty
of sea creatures?
FRY (SHOUTING)
Hey Zoidberg, get in here!
LEELA
Ain't got that.
FRY
Nope!
LEELA
Wow, superpowers! I'll be able to pack
my day with twice as many humdrum activity.
FRY
Leela, I think you're missing the big
picture. When you were a kid what was
your biggest fantasy?
LEELA
To have parents.
FRY
Whatever. The correct answer is: To
be a superhero. We have superpowers
and we're Americans. This is our chance.
LEELA
Hmm, I have been looking for a way to
serve the community that incorporates
my violence. Let's do it!
FRY
You'll barely regret this!
[Enter Bender.]
BENDER
Hey, a friend of mine said he mugged
you today and you had superpowers.
LEELA
It's true. Thanks to this funky fresh
cream.
FRY
Now me and Leela are forming an awesome
crime-fighting duo.
BENDER
Wow, crime-fighting. Cool. You say you're
a duo? Yeah duos are good. Of course
sometimes they're a little short handed.
See ya. With two humans you'd think
there'd be a robot in there...to balance
things out. But, whatever. I have these
three costumes you could use. But, I
guess I'll just throw one away.
LEELA
We'd love to have you on the team Bender.
But aren't you more on the supply side
of crime?
FRY
Plus the cream won't give you superpowers,
you're a robot.
BENDER
So? I'm already super-strong. And my
arms do this. Also I got this going.
[His cabinet door opens and closes by itself. Fry and Leela shrug
at each other.]
[Planet Express: Roof. The trio, in their superhero garb, stand
on the roof looking across New New York.]
LEELA (SHOUTING)
Listen up New New York! There's a new
group of superheros in town! And we're
-
LEELA
(shouting) Sorry! (whispering) A new
era of justice has begun.
[In a similar style to old superhero TV series', we see crime
happening across the city. A narrator fills us in on who is going
to stop this crime...]
[The scene changes to a backdrop with The New Justice Team's
logo on it. Fry bursts through it.]
FRY
Captain Yesterday!
[Leela bursts through.]
LEELA
Clobberella!
[Bender bursts through and pushes Leela aside.]
BENDER
And Superking! The best one of the three!
FRY
Wow!
[Scenes: Park. The New Justice Team's theme tune starts playing
and the scene cuts to a park where Petunia is sitting on a bench
feeding some rats. A thief snatches her bag.]
SONG
Go Go New Justice Team,
[Captain Yesterday swoops in front of the thief.]
>Go team, go team, team team team,
[The thief dodges him and heads for a travel tube.]
Who's the newest Justice Team,
The New Justice Team!
[Captain Yesterday runs along the top of the tube. The thief
looks up and sees him and Captain Yesterday follows him underwater.]
Captain Yesterday is fast,
Also he is from the past,
Not just fast but from the past...
He runs ahead to the end of the tube.]
...Captain Yesterday!
[Captain Yesterday turns the tube towards a police station and
the thief flies out and into it. Superking takes Petunia's bag.]
Superking has the power,
'Cause all the kings have all the power,
All the power of Superman,
Also he's a robot, ain't it cool?
Superking you rule!
[Scenes: Street. Clobberella looks down from a rooftop and sees
an alien's cat is stuck up a tree.]
SONG
Clobberella beats you up,
Clobberella beats you up!
Who does she beat up?
You!
[Clobberella brings the cat safely down from the tree and hands
it to the alien. The alien eats it.]
Clobberella!
[Scenes: Rooftops. The New Justice Team jump from rooftop to
rooftop.]
SONG
Citizens never fear,
Crazy do-good freaks are here,
Until they run out of steam...
[Fry and Leela fall from a rooftop into a bin.]
...Miracle cream, miracle cream,
Gives the power to the team!
[Clobberella takes the miracle cream out of her boot and she
and Captain Yesterday rub it on themselves and spring back into
action.]
It's effects wear off for sure,
So they just slop on some more.
The New Justice Team!
[Bender lands in front of them.]
BENDER
Ta-da!
[Street. A crook is put into the back of a police van. Crowds
cheer the New Justice Team.]
WOMAN (SEXFULLY)
Captain Yesterday, I find your skintight
highwaters incredibly sexy! Let's get
together sometime!
FRY
Sure. I'm listed in the phone book so
once I reveal my real name to you along
with my home address and a copy of my
birth certificate -
[Leela pulls him away from the woman.]
LEELA
Are you crazy?? We have to keep our
secret identities secret.
FRY
From everybody?
LEELA
Especially from everybody.
FRY
Give several reasons why.
LEELA
For one, superheroes cause a lot of
collateral damage, and we don't wanna
get our butts sued.
FRY
Or do we...? No I guess not.
LEELA
Also, if our identities get out, every
crook in the city will be after us.
Or, God forbid, our loved ones.
BENDER
Superking has no need for loved ones.
How ya doin' kid?
[Mayor's Office. Mayor Poopenmeyer signs the permits for Leela.]
POOPENMEYER
There you go. Two one-day mutant surface
passes.
LEELA
Thank you Mayor Poopenmeyer.
[Poopenmeyer's phone rings.]
POOPENMEYER
Mayor here...what's that? Horrible crime
in the works? Ruthless villain? Citizens
in danger? That's fantastic news! Because
I get to summon The New Justice Team!
[He presses the nose on a clown picture. Bender's antenna wobbles.
He clasps his hands around it.]
LEELA
Shh!
POOPENMEYER
Uh, they're usually here by now.
LEELA
Well, so long. Keep in touch.
[They start to leave.]
POOPENMEYER
Wait, stay and meet the superheroes.
There's three of you and three of them
so it'll be perfect. Is this clown
on? Where are those daring crimestoppers?
LEELA
Oh, I completely forgot, I left my apartment
on fire!
[She leaves.]
BENDER
Uh, as for me, I'm late for my LSAT's.
[He leaves.]
FRY
And I can't take life anymore.
[He runs and jumps through the window and flies back through
another one as Captain Yesterday. Clobberella and Superking run
in on the other side of the room.]
POOPENMEYER
Clobberella! Captain Yesterday! My liege!
You're just in time! We've received
a tip that the Museum of Natural History
will be robbed tomorrow at exactly 9am.
The target: The priceless Quantum Gemerald!
FRY
Who's the perp?
[The hologram changes.]
POOPENMEYER
A dangerous villain know as The Zookeeper,
who commits crimes aided by a pack of
highly trained animals.
FRY
Pack of highly. Got it!
POOPENMEYER
His crew includes a badger with a troubled
past and nothing left to lose, an elephant
who never forgets - to kill! And a seldom
used crab named Lucky aka Citizen Snips.
LEELA
You can count on us Mr Mayor! Justice
away!
[She and Fry runs out with Bender gasping and puffing behind
them.]
BENDER (GASPING)
Hold the elevator!
[Planet Express: Restroom. Leela addresses an envelope to her
parents and puts the surface passes in. Then she flushes it down
the toilet.]
BENDER
We're in here too.
FRY
Uh, Leela, how you gonna meet your folks
tomorrow? We've already scheduled the
Zookeeper for a 9am foiling at the museum.
LEELA
Not a problem. I've cleverly arranged
to meet my parents right there at the
same museum at 10.
BENDER
9, 10 a big fat hen. The name...Bender!
[Museum Of Natural History. People go about their business in
the museum whilst The New Justice Team sit atop a giant ant which
is suspended from the ceiling.]
LEELA
I can't believe the Zookeeper is this
late for his own heist. It's just rude!
Total hell! It's 10! I'm supposed to
meet my parents and I'm still in my
secret costume! There they are!
[Morris and Munda look around, disappointed.]
MUNDA
How could Leela not be here? Do you
think she forgot?
MORRIS
Relax. I'm sure she's just ashamed of
us.
SECURITY GUARD
Yo! Freakjobs! Hit the nearest manhole!
Pronto like.
MORRIS
But we have passes that allow us to
be up here. From the mayor himself.
[Munda hands the passes to the security guard.]
SECURITY GUARD
I dunno...I never heard of no mayor.
[Enter the Zookeeper.]
RANDY
The Zookeeper!
ZOOKEEPER
Sorry I'm late, long story. Now everybody
hit the deck! I'm cutting the entire
line and stealing the exhibit.
[The New Justice Team drop to the floor in front of him.]
LEELA
You're not stealing anything! Nobody
hit the deck!
ZOOKEEPER
Ah, superheroes! Or should I say superzeroes!
FRY (SADLY)
That was uncalled for.
ZOOKEEPER
Animals, attack.
[He blows a silent whistle and animal exhibits come to life and
break out of the glass cases. They run rampage.]
TOUR GUIDE
Please to not feed the animals!
[An elephant picks her up and eats her. In a scene lifted from
Batman The New Justice Team spring into action. A yak charges
towards Fry and he punches it. YAK!. Bender picks a fight with
a boxing kangaroo.]
BENDER
You're going down my friend! Down Under!
[He laughs. The kangaroo punches him. 01001010!!!]
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
Man boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar
spectacle. But a kangaroo boxing a robot?
Now I'm afraid you've lost me! (shouting)
Citizen Snips!
[The Zookeeper lifts a grate and pushes a snake through the hole.
The snake reaches into the Quantum Gemerald's case and takes
it.]
ZOOKEEPER
Nice job Fingers!
[He kisses it.]
MUNDA
I'm scared and confused. I think we've
wandered into an off-Broadway play.
MORRIS
No there are way too many people here.
[The Zookeeper runs up a flight of stairs.]
ZOOKEEPER
Later, if anyone asks how I got away,
tell them right now!
[Clobberella and Captain Yesterday leap in front of him.]
LEELA
Forget it Zookeeper! You're going into
captivity!
ZOOKEEPER
Fool! A quip without putting me behind
bars would have been far more delicious!
Here catch!
[He throws the Gemerald over the side of the stairs. Fry leaps
for it and goes over the edge too.]
LEELA
No, Fry you can't fall fast enough!
[She runs down the stairs while the Zookeeper runs off in another
direction. Bender hold out his arms at the bottom of the staircase.]
BENDER
I got it I got it! I don't got it!
[Leela dives in front of him and catches the Gemerald. Fry falls
on top of Bender. Everyone cheers.]
TEDDY ROOSEVELT
You've saved the Gemerald!
FRY
Yet the Zookeeper escaped. Thus proving
that the deadliest animal of all is
the Zookeeper!
BENDER
You can get off me anytime.
LEELA
Oh no! My parents are leaving! I've
gotta go change back into street-Leela.
[She turns to leave but Mayor Poopenmeyer and several photographers
block her path.]
POOPENMEYER
Thank you mysterious heroes. The value
of the Gemerald you saved is slightly
greater than the cost of the damage
you caused to this museum. A net gain
for our great city!
[The crowd cheers and Poopenmeyer kisses Bender's hand. People
take photographs. Leela looks around sadly.]
[Outside Museum Of Natural History. Morris sets some cones out
by a manhole.]
MUNDA
It's good that Leela doesn't love us.
She'll be less sad when we die.
[Morris lifts the manhole cover and helps Munda into it. He climbs
in after her, takes the cones and replaces the cover. Leela comes
out of the museum just as they disappear.]
LEELA
Mom? Dad? I showed up! And I got the
audio tour for Treasures Of Liberachi's
Tomb!
[She looks around and sighs. She sits down on the step and cries.]
[Turanga House. Leela is with her parents.]
MORRIS
Sweetie, it's OK. You don't have to
apologise for standing us up on the
only visit to the surface we'll ever
have.
LEELA
I wanna tell you why I didn't show up.
But I can't. Just please believe me
that it was a very good reason. I'm
sorry I disappointed you.
MUNDA
Leela, you could never disappoint us.
MORRIS
We're so proud of everything that you
are. And we always will be. You're our
baby girl.
[They both smile.]
LEELA
Oh, I can't take it! Mom, Dad, I'm Clobberella!
[She rips her clothes off revealing her Clobberella outfit. Munda
gasps.]
MORRIS
Galloping gators!
MUNDA
You're a superhero? Well that's wonderful!
But did you have to make the costume
so revealing?
[Morris puts his arm around Leela.]
MORRIS
Look at me! Proud dad of a superhero!
We should print up T-Shirts! And F-Shirts
for our friends with two arms on the
same side!
LEELA
No, listen. It's very important that
you never ever tell anyone. Under any
circumstance.
MORRIS
What if I've had a few?
LEELA
Dad, you drink? No. Not even then.
MORRIS
Alright. My sucker is sealed.
LEELA
In fact, I shouldn't even be wearing
this around here. It was brisk, I dressed
in layers.
MUNDA
That's my girl!
[Lake Mutagenic. Morris, Raoul and the Leg Mutant sit in a boat
fishing.]
MORRIS
So uh, anyway, my daughter's Clobberella.
RAOUL
Leela is Clobberella?
LEG MUTANT
You're pulling me!
MORRIS
Shh, keep it under your sock. It's a
big secret. That's why I'm only telling
you two.
[Cut to: Shore Of Lake Mutagenic. A big eared mutant and a big
mouthed mutant overhear.]
BIG EARED MUTANT
Oh my God! That guy's daughter is Clobberella!
But don't tell anyone.
BIG MOUTHED MUTANT
Gotcha!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela and Bender
sit around the table. The Zookeeper appears on the screen.]
[Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]
FARNSWORTH
I don't remember much buddy, and you're
no looker!
LEELA
Uh Professor, isn't it time for your
nap?
FARNSWORTH
Yes dammit!
[He falls asleep. His chair flies out of the room.]
LEELA
Zookeeper! How did you know our real
identities?
[He claps and a parrot lands on his shoulder.]
PARROT [ON SCREEN]
Leela told her parents. Leela's parents
blabbed.
[The Zookeeper gives it a cracker.]
FRY
Leela, is the person that parrot is
mimicking telling the truth by proxy?
LEELA (SADLY)
Yes. My parents were so hurt, I couldn't
help it! (angry) But I distinctly told
them not to tell anyone.
[Bender puts on his Superking crown.]
BENDER
We are not amused.
[He claps and gorilla comes in pulling a cage. In the cage are
Leela's parents. Leela gasps.]
LEELA
Mom! Dad!
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
Leela please forgive us! Especially
your father who's the one who told thank
you very much Morris.
LEELA
Are you alright? Has he hurt you?
MORRIS [ON SCREEN]
No but my allergies are going nuts.
Oh God!
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
Every couch and table has animal fur
all over it. He lets them climb on everything!
LEELA
Alright Zookeeper, what do you want?
[He laughs.]
MUNDA [ON SCREEN]
Save us Leela! I mean...if you don't
have anything better to do.
[A pirhana walks past the camera and bites it. The picture cuts
out.]
LEELA
We're out of options. We have to steal
the Gemerald!
FRY
But, should superheroes commit crime?
Even to save lives? I need moral guidance.
Bender?
BENDER
Hmm, the thought of stealing anythig
fills Superking with disgust. But if
it must be so, then let a museum heist
be pulled!
[Planet Express: Locker Area. Leela opens her locker. The miracle
cream tube is empty. Fry picks it up.]
FRY
Oh no! Our superpower cream is out of
itself!
LEELA
Check inside the cap! There might be
a caked in goldmine!
[Fry unscrews the cap and looks inside.]
FRY
El zilcho! I'm afraid we're boned.
BENDER
El zilcho...is it too late to change
my superhero name?
[Museum Of Natural History. Enter The New Justice Team.]
LEELA
Just be cool. Nobody knows we're superpowerly
challenged.
[Fry gasps.]
FRY
Man, this costume is so damn heavy!
KID
Hey Captain Yesterday, can I like, wail
on you with this 2x4 and it doesn't
hurt you?
[He whacks Fry.]
FRY
Owww! That...didn't hurt.
SECURITY GUARD
Hi superheroes, everything OK?
LEELA
Big O, little k my friend! Just checking
if everything's alright!
SECURITY GUARD
It's OK alright!
LEELA
OK then. Grab it!
[Bender's arm extends, breaks the display case and grabs the
Gemerald. The crowd gasps.]
BUBBLEGUM TATE
Yo, the superheroes have turned evil!
Most uncool!
SECURITY GUARD
Get 'em!
LEELA
Stay back! Or we'll, beat the tour out
of you...using superpowers!
[Bender makes ghostie noises.]
[Cut to: Outisde Museum Of Natural History. The superheroes run
out and down the steps.]
[Zookeeper's Non-Lair.]
FRY
So this is your lair?
ZOOKEEPER
Of course not. You think I'd show you
my lair? My lair's a million times nicer
than this!
FRY
OK, take it easy!
BENDER
Well, here's your lousy Gemerald.
[The Zookeeper claps.]
ZOOKEEPER
Hawk! Fetch!
[The hawk flies off his shoulder and picks up the Gemerald.]
FRY
That seemed unnecessary.
[Enter the gorilla with Morris and Munda.]
ZOOKEEPER
Our transaction is complete. Come Solomon,
to the lair.
[The gorilla picks him up and runs off down a dark passage.]
LEELA
Mom, Dad, oh I'm so sorry I got you
kidnapped by a crazy madman who tried
to feed you to pirhanas.
MUNDA
We're just happy to be involved in your
life.
LEELA
No no, it's my fault for telling you
I was a superhero.
MORRIS
That's true.
LEELA
I just couldn't stand to have you to
think I was ashamed of you.
MUNDA
That's OK sweetie, but, it's natural
for children to be a little ashamed
of their parents.
FRY
Oh yeah!
MORRIS
Just like it's natural for parents to
be a little disappointed in their children...n-not
that we are.
MUNDA
But you could call a little more often.
LEELA
OK.
MUNDA
And would it kill you to use some mouthwash?
[Leela hugs them.]
BENDER
Hey Fry we've still got our costumes
on. Wanna steal some more stuff?
FRY
I guess, as long as you think it's right.
BENDER
Superheroes away!
[Closing Credits. Over the credits are a montage of clips from
the episode as well as a new version of The New Justice Team
song.]
SONG
Go go go New Justice Team!
Fighting justice is their quest!
Superking, Clobberella, and the rest!
Here's to you New Justice Team,
Do the things that make your team,
Help each other, do some things!
Winners don't use drugs!
The New Justice Team!
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