"MY THREE SUNS"
J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Outside Robot Wash. Bender inserts a coin and chooses his wash
program from regular, deluxe and sub-standard. He selects deluxe
and steps onto a conveyor belt. It moves forward and Rose Royce's
Car Wash plays. Bender pushes down his antenna and sings his
(singing) Going through the 'bot wash!
[Cut to: Robot Wash.]
(singing) Goin' through the robot wash!
C'mon, y'all and sing it with me
'Bot wash! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
'Bot wash, yeah!
[A huge drying machine dries him. He sees an undercoating machine
and puts a quarter in. The machine clamps around his legs and
he is in ecstasy as the machine does the undercoating.]
[Cut to: Outside Robot Wash. He comes out the other side of the
Robot Wash and it hangs a pine tree air freshener around his
neck. He turns round and admires his shiny metal ass.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Presented in Doublevision Doublevision
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits down to watch Essence of
Elzar, a cooking show presented by Neptunian chef Elzar and a
not-so-subtle parody of Essence Of Emeril. Elzar has black hair,
and the usual four arms a Neptunian has.]
Hey, I'm Elzar! Welcome to the show!
You know, you don't have to drive all
the way to Neptune for great Neptunian
food. Today we're gonna kick it up a
notch as I show you how to fricassee
a mouth-watering Neptunian slug. Now
while you grease the pan and preheat
your oven to 3500 degrees you're gonna
separate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced
eggplant and then give the whole thing
a good blast from your spice weasel
[Enter Fry and Leela. Leela is wearing a green top instead of
her usual white one.]
Hey, what you watching?
[Bender quickly turns off the TV.]
Is that a cooking show?
No, of course not! It was...uh...porno!
Yeah that's it!
[Leela turns the TV back on and sees the programme.]
Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking!
That's so cute!
(ashamed) Oh, it's true! I've been hiding
it for so long.
Its OK, Bender, I like cooking too.
Of course, your most important ingredient
is this baby right here: the Neptunian
slug. You can get it in a can but to
really do things right you gotta strangle
yourself a fresh one. Now this is why
you gotta use cast-iron cookware.
[He starts hitting the slug between it's eye stalks with a frying
pan. Bender watches and is spooked when the slug does something
[Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Outside the office a sign flashes
indicating there is a chewing out happening inside.]
Bender, man. It has come to my attention
that this company has been paying you
to do nothing but loaf about on the
You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!
I'm sorry but if you want to continue
drawing a salary you gotta do more than
watch the cooking shows all day.
[He rubs his chin.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Fry are sat at the table while
Bender stands next to it wearing a chef's hat and an apron.]
You're gonna be the ship's cook?
Yeah! We're gonna kick it up a notch.
I know you like cooking shows but you're
a robot, you don't even have a sense
Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if
I was wearing a lime green tank top.
[Little Neptune Street. Fry, Leela and Bender walk through an
area of New New York City where bums and lowlifes hang around.]
So this is Little Neptune?
Yep. Every chef knows that this is the
place to get exotic gourmet ingredients.
Among other things.
[In an alleyway a crack addict stands in front of what looks
like a normal vending machine but is actually a crack dispenser.
He inserts a coin and the machine starts twisting a tube of crack
out but it jams. The crack addict starts clawing the glass.]
Come on, man, don't hold out on me like
[Fry walks past a man who wears a long coat.]
Psst! You want to buy organ? Fresh
and cheap. Ready for transplant!
Ooh! What's this?
Ah! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything!
[Fry reads the label.]
Wait a minute! This says Z-Ray.
Z is just as good. In fact, is better.
Is two more than X.
Hmm, I can see where that would be an
advantage. Do you take cash?
[He takes out his wallet but Leela quickly pulls him away and
they carry on walking.]
Fry, you have to be more careful. We're
not in the 20th century. You don't know
how things work here.
I'm not a little kid, Leela. I grew
up in this city. These are my people.
[Little Neptune Market. The trio look around at what is on offer.]
Wow! You guys sell every kind of meat
here except human!
[In an aisle Leela picks up a jar.]
What's this spice for?
Oh! That's ridiculous. (whispering)
I'll take two pounds!
[At the meat counter Bender looks at tubbed slug and I Can't
Believe It's Not Slug. He looks up at the salesman.]
Hey, buddy. I'm looking for fresh slug.
Yeah, yeah, either one's fine.
Hey, have you seen Fry?
[Cut to: Little Neptune Street. Fry is back with the organ dealer
in the alley.]
Now that you mention it, I do have trouble
breathing underwater sometimes. I'll
take the gills.
Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need
lungs anymore, is right?
Can't imagine why I would.
Lie down on table. I take lungs now,
gills come next week. (shouting) Nurse!
[A huge man comes over and holds down Fry's arms.]
Let's do it.
You may feel small pain --
[Leela punches him in the face and he falls over. Then she kicks
the nurse to the floor. The organ dealer runs away down the alley
and throws his scalpel back at Leela. She dives out of the way
and it flies into Bender's chest cabinet. He closes the door.]
(shouting) Thank you!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits at the table while Leela scolds
What the hell were you doing? I warned
you to stay away from those guys.
I'm capable of making my own decisions,
Leela. Did you ever stop to think I
might be happier with gills?
Good news, everyone...
Uh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.
...you'll be making a delivery to the
Here it comes.
...A mysterious world in the darkest
depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in
the Forbidden Zone?
Why, of course! Its just a name! Like
the Death Zone or the Zone Of No Return.
All the zones have names like that in
the Galaxy Of Terror!
Off you go, pleasant trip.
[Ships Cockpit. Zoidberg and Amy join the crew on the mission.
Bender is not with them. Fry leans back in his chair and shouts
down a hole in the floor.]
(shouting) Hey Bender how's dinner coming?
[Cut to: Ships Galley. Bender is wearing his chef's hat and a
new apron which says To Serve Man. He takes the Neptunian slug
out of a pot of boiling water, puts it on a plate and puts an
apple in its mouth.]
Now for a dash of salt! Uh-oh!
[Ships Mess. The crew are all ready to eat. Bender carves the
tiny, deflated slug. Leela leans in to the rest of the crew.]
(whispering) Listen, this is Bender's
first meal and he's a little sensitive.
So let's be supportive, OK?
[They start eating.]
(shouting) Oh, dear God!
[She spits the slug out and so does everyone else.]
That's the saltiest thing I've ever
tasted. And I once a big heaping bowl
[Everyone guzzles down a glass of water and once again they spit
Bender, is this salt water?
It's salt with water in it if that's
what you mean.
[Fry waves his hand in front of his eyes.]
My vision's fading. I think I'm gonna
There was nothing wrong with that food.
The salt level was 10% less than a lethal
Uh-oh, I shouldn't have had seconds.
[The ship speeds towards the Planet Trisol.]
[Trisol Surface. The ship lands on a landing pad in a desert.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
OK, Fry, here's the package to deliver
and for once in your life be careful.
This is my first visit to the Galaxy
Of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant
[She slaps Fry who is mimicking her with his hand.]
Don't touch anything or talk to anyone.
Just go to the palace, drop it off and
come right back.
Jeez, will you lay off! I was delivering
things before you were born! I think
I know what I'm doing.
[He walks off without the package and quickly returns for it.]
[Trisol Surface. Fry is walking across the desert in the sweltering
Stupid slug. I've never been so thirsty.
Oh, come on! Go down already! Ah!
[On the other side of him two other much larger suns rise over
[Time Lapse. Fry nears the Trisol Palace, climbs the huge staircase
and enters the palace.]
[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. It is deserted.]
Hello? Anybody home?
[He reads the package address. It is addressed to the Emperor.
He decides to leave it on the throne. He sees a bottle of water
beside the throne, looks around, then drinks the entire contents.
Two pools of water close in on him and form into humanoid shapes.
The royal bottle is empty!
[The second guard gasps.]
You drank our Emperor!
No! It wasn't me!
[He burps a small bubble of the Emperor. He pops it and laughs
[Time Lapse. More guards have come in.]
You drank our Emperor! You assassinated
I didn't mean to. He just looked so
cool and refreshing.
I'm sure he was.
But now he's gone and your fate is sealed.
All hail the new Emperor.
[The guards bow to Fry.]
(chanting) Hail! Hail! Hail!
[Time Lapse. Fry is sat on the Emperor's throne with two Trisolian
women at his side fanning him. The rest of the Planet Express
crew have arrived.]
So after I specifically asked you not
to touch anything, you drank a bottle
of strange blue liquid? It could have
been poisonous acid!
It could have been. But chances were
equally good it was an Emperor.
[Enter a Trisolian.]
Excuse me, Your Majesty, I am Merg,
the High Priest. If I might interject?
I humbly advise that as your first act
you choose a capable Prime Minister.
I suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee.
I will be a forceful and effective administrator.
You know, Fry, I've often thought about
becoming a Prime Minister.
I gotta go with Bender.
Yes! In your face, Gorgak!
That's it, Fry. As your captain I order
you back to the ship. You are in way
over your head.
Gee, you think so, Captain? I'd better
check with my Prime Minister.
[Bender is now sat being fanned.]
Stay the course, pal!
Your Highness, a package came for you.
[He hands Fry the same package he was supposed to deliver earlier.]
Hey, thanks! Wow! This got here just
[He hangs it on a column next to his throne.]
[Trisol Palace Harem. The room is full of shelves which are full
of bottles of Trisolians. Merg is with Fry.]
This is Your Majesty's harem. You may
choose any of these maidens to be your
Umm, how about that one?
[He points to a random bottle.]
Oh! I didn't realise Your Majesty was
into that sort of thing!
On second thought, I'll take that one.
[He points to another random bottle.]
Hey, whatever you say, I'm not here
to pass judgement.
[Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew are lounging around enjoying
themselves. Amy is stirring a glass of water with her finger.
Leela paces up and down.]
Does anyone else think it's odd that
a shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy
could drop out of the sky, kill the
emperor and be rewarded instead of punished?
You don't have to beat around the bush,
Leela, we all know who you're talking
about...uh, me, right?
I don't think you have anything to worry
about. These people seem really mild-mannered.
They are mild. In fact, you're soaking
in one right now.
[Amy screams and takes her finger out of the glass. Gorgak appears
You touched me in ways I've never been
Ah, there you are, Your Majesty. It's
time to begin preparing for tomorrow's
A fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal
Fry will be enthroned tomorrow at the
setting of the three suns when we Trisolians
enter our nocturnal phase.
There won't be a lot of long-winded
speeches, will there?
Only one. The absolutely flawless recitation
from memory of the royal oath. By you.
Will there be cake?
[Trisolian Banquet Hall. It is the Pre-Coronation Gala. Trisolians
perform on a stage. Zoidberg talks to two Trisolians.]
Yeah, I know.
[She wiggles her fingers. Fry pours a glass of something for
There you go.
[The Trisolians playing the liquid harmonica with themselves
as the liquid finish. The audience applauds and Gorgak takes
And now, get ready to laugh til your
sides leak with our planet's foremost
political satirist, Florp!
[He leaves and Florp walks onto the stage.]
So what is the deal with people from
under the orange sun? They're all...
But us guys from under the red sun,
we're like... Right? Am I right?
Oh, yeah! Yeah, he's right!
(whispering) Fry, I have to talk to
you. You're in terrible danger.
[Trisol Palace Corridor. On the walls of the corridor are paintings
of past Trisolian Emperors.]
You see Emperor Plon here? He met his
end when he was drunk by Emperor Strug.
And before he could even wipe his mouth,
Strug was drunk by Shwab.
Look at all these guys. Do you have
any idea what the average length of
their reigns was?
No. One week.
Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked
unless it was really high or really
Every Emperor ascended to power by assassinating
the previous one. And guess who's next?
[She points at Fry's portrait. Fry looks at some empty frames
labelled Fry's Assassin and Fry's Assassin's Assassin. He points
at the last one.]
Well at least my assassin will get what's
coming to him.
You're in tremendous danger, you idiot!
Half of these Emperors were drunk at
their own coronation.
Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis
No, they were assassinated. In fact,
the law says you'll be killed on the
spot if you fail to recite the oath
[She holds up a book called Oath Vol. I.]
Yeah, I was going to thumb through that
That is completely reckless. Don't you
ever think ahead?
Hell, no. If I stopped to think ahead,
I wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't
even be here in the year 3000. It's
just like the story of the grasshopper
and the octopus. All year long the grasshopper
kept burying acorns for winter while
the octopus mooched off his girlfriend
and watched TV. But then the winter
came and the grasshopper died and the
octopus ate all his acorns and also
he got a racecar. Is any of this getting
through to you?
I give up! You're gonna get yourself
killed and this time I won't be here
to save you.
Who asked you to? I told you a hundred
times to stop treating me like a baby.
Now go. Go gather your nuts you nagging
[Leela angrily throws down the book.]
That's it! I'm never helping you again!
If anyone except you needs me, I'll
be in the ship.
[She storms off.]
I'll be fine. It's not like anyone's
gonna drink me. Quit it!
[He knocks the straw away from his neck and it disappears back
into the hole in the painting.]
[Trisol Palace Front Balcony. The Planet Express crew sans Leela
are gathered with Fry. Merg is on a podium facing across the
Trisolian Surface where millions of Trisolians are gathered to
hear Fry's oath.]
People of Trisol, it is my honour to
present your new Emperor!
[The Trisolians applaud Fry, who takes Merg's place on the podium.
Fry clears his throat.]
[Silence from the crowd.]
Stick to the oath.
Right! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous,
who drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled
Zorn the Stagnant...
[Time Lapse. The suns are nearly set. Fry is still reciting the
oath by reading it from his arm.]
...who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed
a soup composed principally of Throm
the Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule
with honour and insanity - uh, integrity!
Congratulations, Your Highness. I now
present you with your royal unisex robe.
Long live Fry The Solid!
[He puts the robe on Fry. The Trisolians cheer. The suns begin
to go down.]
Hey, look. The suns are setting. I can
finally switch to hard liquor!
[He gets a bottle out of his chest cabinet. The three suns set
and the Trisolians begin to turn a lighter shade of blue.]
Check out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful!
Hey, what's that?
[He points at Fry's stomach. It is turning blue and growing a
face. The Trisolians gasp and quickly return to normal shade.]
The Emperor Bont! He's still alive.
Of course I'm alive. Now cut this creep
open and drain me out!
[Guards close in on Fry. Fry clutches his stomach.]
My tummy hurts!
[The guards and Merg chase Fry, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender up the
They're over here, they're running up
Shut up, you!
[He punches Bont, hurting Fry.]
[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew get inside the palace
and bolt the door.]
[Cut to: Outside Throne Room.]
Let us in!
[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room.]
Fry must die so that Bont may live.
What am I gonna do?
We've gotta get the Emperor out of your
body before they kill you!
Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in
a high-speed centrifuge separating out
the denser fluid of His Highness.
But won't that crush my bones?
Oh, right, right, with the bones! I
always forget about the bones.
Hey, why don't you just sweat him out?
Forget it! As Emperor I refuse to be
dripped out through somebody's armpit.
I could vomit or urinate. Would you
feel better about that?
Slightly. But my favourite so far is
What about crying?
That's a great idea! Crying.
Fine. That or the bone one.
[Cut to: Outside Throne Room. Trisolians are throwing themselves
at the door. As they hit it they turn into pools of water. They
regroup themselves and stand up.]
Keep it up, men. The veneer is starting
[Gorgak throws himself at the door but can't re-solidify.]
[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. Fry is trying to cry.]
It's no use. I wanna cry but I'm just
I'll make you cry, buddy! You're a
pimple on society's ass and you'll never
amount to anything.
What do you mean? I was Emperor of a
Good point. But here's a disturbing
reminder: Everyone you knew or loved
in the 20th century is dead.
These things happen.
OK, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one,
'cause there's no God and your idiotic
human ideals are laughable!
[He laughs evily.]
Phew! That's a load off my mind.
Man, I guess it's harder than I thought
to make someone cry.
You did your best, Bender.
Up yours, bimbo!
[Amy bursts into tears.]
Let's face it, we're in hot butter here.
We should call Leela for help.
Cram it, lobster! That is a good idea.
I'll go call her.
She'll never help me. She's still mad
that I told her never to help me.
C'mon. Leela's not the type to hold
[Ships Cargo Bay. Leela is punching and kicking a punch bag with
Fry's photo taped to it. The phone rings.]
Collect call from...
I'm not giving my name to a machine.
[Bender appears on the phone screen.]
Fry's in trouble...
[Cut to: Trisol Palace. Bender is sat on a chair in front of
...and he needs help. Now, I don't like
you and you don't like me.
I like you.
You do? Look are you going to help or
I don't know why I should. I mean after
what he --
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is it
you like best about me?
[Trisol Palace Throne Room. Enter Bender.]
Is she coming?
I'm not sure. But I do know that she
likes my in-your-face attitude.
[There is a rumbling from outside. The crew gather around a window
and look out. The Trisolians are pulling a giant lemon juicer-like
thing towards the palace.]
What the hell is that?
Its the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain
my juices from you while filtering out
the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded
Of course! Why didn't I think of that!
This is the saddest day of my life.
And I still can't cry.
[Fry sits in his throne but a splashing noise from outside attracts
the others to the window.]
Wait a second. Here comes Leela.
[Cut to: Outside Trisol Palace. Leela kicks her way through the
crowd of Trisolian guards, splashing them to oblivion. They swarm
[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room.]
Oh, no. They have her totally outnumbered.
I can't believe it. She's risking her
life for me after the way I treated
her. I don't deserve this. I feel terrible.
You do? Hmm.
Is she alright?
I don't know. Perhaps I'll look out
this window. Oh, dear God in heaven,
they're swarming all over her.
What are you talking about, Bender?
She's al -- (muffled) Oh!
They're strapping her to juicer. Oh,
they're putting some ice cubes in the
glass under it.
This can't be happening.
It can and, for all you know, it is.
I'm sorry, Fry. She's dead.
[Fry starts to cry and Amy catches his tear in the bottle.]
All Leela ever wanted to do was help
me. But I was to proud, too stupid to
accept it. I wish I had died instead
[He starts to cry. Enter Leela via the window.]
What are you talking about?
[Fry stops crying.]
Leela! You're alive!
Of course I'm alive.
I told Fry you were dead so he would
cry out the Emperor but you had to go
and wreck it by surviving.
We only got two drops.
[There is a bang at the door. The Trisolians begin leaking in
through a hole. Bont chuckles.]
It's only a matter of time now.
I'll handle this!
[He tries to block the leak with his claw and eventually gets
it under control by forcing one of his mouth flaps into the hole.]
Listen, Fry, I think I can get us out
of this if you're willing to let me
Thanks, Leela. From now on, I'll take
all the help you're willing to give.
I know you just want what's best for
me. Ow! What was that for? Hey, come
on! That hurt!
I know. Amy, get the bottle.
[She carries on beating Fry up while Amy holds the bottle under
(crying) Oh, now I understand.
Come on. Everybody help out Fry.
[She slaps him again, Zoidberg pinches his leg with his claw
and Bender stubs out a cigar on his arm.]
(crying) Thanks, everybody. I love you
all. You guys are true -- ow! Cut it
out, Bender! That's a tender area!
How we doing, Amy?
Great! We're one-tenth of the way there.
[Time Lapse. Leela, Zoidberg and Bender are tired out. Amy keeps
kicking the Emperor out of Fry. She pants.]
OK, it's your turn.
[She points to someone. A Trisolian starts to hit Fry with a
Hey, wait a minute! Who are you?
I'm the Emperor! Thanks for crying me
[Fry looks at his stomach and sees it's back to normal.]
Oh, you're welcome.
[Bont hits him with the chair again.]
[Cut to: Outside Trisolian Palace. The crowds have gone. Fry
cries in pain from inside.]
Hey! Save some for me!