"ROSWELL THAT ENDS WELL"
J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Fun For The Whole Family Except Grandma
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies towards a star and stops a short
distance from it. Bender, Leela and Farnsworth are sat on the
couch. Fry and Zoidberg stand at either side.]
I've never seen a supernova blow up.
But if it's anything like my old Chevy
Nova, it'll light up the night sky!
Yeah, anyone who misses this will regret
it for the rest of his life! Hey Fry
could you go make some popcorn?
[Ship's Galley. Fry picks up some Iffy Pop and tears the top
Let's go microwave, I'm in a hurry here!
Hm? Hey, what smells like blue?
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
Fry get up here it's starting!
[Leela twizzles his glasses and he smiles, satisfied. The star
explodes and a wave of red starts to move out from it. It hits
the ship and the cockpit is engulfed with red. The crew gasp
in horror. The red reaches the consoles.]
[The consoles fizzle and crackle. The blue from the galley enters
the cockpit and moves towards the red. The crew scream more.
Enter Fry from the galley hatch.]
Hey, which crazy thing happening are
you guys screaming about?
[The blue and red meet and they fizzle and discharge energy.
The ship shakes and disappears in a flash. They have entered
a timehole. The ship shakes. Fry hangs onto the couch. The clock
rapidly moves backwards from September 21st 3002. The ship passes
hundreds of different types of clocks. The timehole opens again
and ship emerges, the crew dazed and disorientated.]
Oooh my head is spinning.
[The microwave dings.]
Ooo my popcorn's done!
[Cut to: Ship's Galley. Fry opens the microwave and is disappointed.
He doesn't have popcorn, instead he has an entire corn on the
Aw, it's less popped than ever.
I don't know what happened but we've
taken on a lot of clocks. Let's get
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies towards Earth.]
Why is there so little traffic around
[The Professor looks at a screen.]
And what's this layer of ozone? That's
never been there before.
[On the screen Warning is displayed and a klaxon sounds. Zoidberg
holds his claws to his ears.]
Oh no! There's no global positioning
signal! Navigation is failing!
We're gonna crash!
Not if I can help it! Oh, I guess I
can't. Everyone put on your seatbelts.
[Fry, Farnsworth and Zoidberg sit down and belt up. Leela puts
Ah those things cost more lives than
[The ship loses altitude fast and comes down in a desert area.
It crashes into an outcrop of rocks. Bender flies through the
windscreen and off into the distance.]
[Desert. The crew look around at the pieces of scattered Bender.
Fry talks to Bender's severed head.]
Bender, are you OK?
I dunno. I'll try to move my feet.
[He tries and he succeeds. But his feet are quite a way away
Alright, here's the plan. Zoidberg,
pick up the pieces. Everyone else, take
[They all head back to the ship. Zoidberg starts recovering Bender.He
uses Bender's arm as a picky up thing and puts the bits in his
[Time Lapse. Many hours have passed and it is now night. A wolf
howls and Zoidberg finishes picking up bits of Bender.]
And Zoidberg picks up another piece,
the crowd goes wild!!
[He mimes his crowd screaming. Car headlights shine in his eyes.
[Zoidberg shields his eyes and looks.] What is?
[Cut to: Airbase Hangar. A table covered by a sheet is all that
is in the building. Two men approach it.]
General in all my years of covering
top secret discoveries with sheets I've
never dramatically revealed anything
as shocking as this. Dun-dun-dunnn!
The debris from an alien spaceship!
[He dramatically pulls the sheet away revealing bits of Bender
on the table. The General picks up Bender's arm.]
Son I think I can safely say (shouting)
As you can see, 1947 is going to be
an eventful year for the town of...Roswell,
[Desert. Men in radiation suits are scaning the area with metal
detectors. Another two read the radiation on Bender's arm with
a Geiger-Müller counter. The arm steals a wallet from one of
the men's pockets. Behind them the ship is still stuck on the
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Farnsworth, Fry and Bender's head look
at a console.]
Remarkable! According the high precision
digital chronograph it's July 9th 1947.
Which would explain why the chronograph
has turned into this pin-up calendar.
Wait a second. You mean we travelled
Doy! Some idiot must have put metal
in the microwave...
...and the microwave's radiation combined
with the gravitons and graviolis from
the supernova blasted us through Time
[Enter Leela with a newspaper. She slaps it down on the console.]
Have you seen today's news?
High school gym renovations on schedule?
What a load!
No over here! Flying Saucer Captured!
[Bender sees the picture - a man holds his torso.]
That's no flying saucer, that's my ass!
My God! This mean the flying saucer
that crashed in Roswell...was...us!
And the alien they captured was...was...
[Cut to: Airbase Hangar. Men open a crate. Zoidberg is inside
behind some bars. He waves.]
So what are you guys doing tonight?
I'm up for whatever.
[The General and the other man look at each other.]
[Ship's Cockpit. Farnsworth and Fry look at a screen. A picture
of the timehole is on the screen.]
Yes we tore the universe a new space-hole
alright! But it's clenching shut fast.
Our only hope of getting back to our
own time is to go through it in oh say......exactly
[Leela blowtorches the steering wheel.]
No problem. The ship's fixed except
for the cup holder and I think I can
have that operational within 10 hours.
You've got 8. But a more urgent concern
is the microwave. Without a working
one we have no hope of returning to
Well, I'm sure we can buy a microwave
from somewhere around here. Meanwhile
you guys sneak onto the army base and
rescue Bender's body.
Hey, and while we're on the base I'll
visit my grandfather Enos! He was stationed
Your grandfather? Stay away from him
you dimwitted monkey. You mustn't interfere
with the past. Don't do anything that
affects anything, unless it turns out
you were supposed to do it. In which
case. for the love of God, don't not
If for example you were to kill your
grandfather, you would cease to exist!
But existing is basically all I do!
[Airbase Hangar. The men look on as Zoidberg sleeps on the table.]
What is your purpose here?
[Zoidberg wakes up.]
Alright officer I'll move along.
What the General means is, why did you
come to Earth?
Not a day goes by I don't ask myself
the same question.
[Outside Airbase. Fry and Bender's head hide behind a jeep just
outside the base. Fry gets out a can of all purpose spray and
sprays onto him some boots, some trousers and a shirt.]
[Airbase. Fry walks around the base looking around at all the
activity going on.]
Enos! Private, I want that toilet bowl
so clean I could eat off it! Cos I intend
Well gadzooks Sarge!
[The Sergeant continues yelling.]
It's him! It's my grandfather Enos.
...Now prepare my lunch and place it
in the latrine at twelve hundred hours!
[The Sergeant walks away and Enos slowly walks towards the kitchens.
A jeep slowly drives towards him on the road. Fry gasps.]
That jeep's gonna hit him! And I won't
exist anymore! Are you crazy? You almost
got yourself run over!
I did? Then I sure am lucky you knocked
me onto this pile of rusty bayonets!
Fry! Stop interfering with history!
I don't wanna have to memorise a lot
of new kings when I get back!
I had no choice. I was about to not
exist. I could feel myself fading away,
like Greg Kinnear.
[Enos gets up and dusts himself off.]
Well, thanks soldier. I'm off to make
Sarge's lunch! Handling raw chicken?
It's part of the job! Mmm! Finger licking
That's it! This place is too dangerous.
We've gotta get you out of here! Everything's
gonna be alright Dad!
Well gadzooks I'd better ask Sarge.
No time! Run! Run to safety!
[Cut to: Bombing Range (Formerly Minefield). Fry and Enos run
on and dodge mines and bombs, screaming.]
[Airbase Building. The General and the man stand behind a one
way mirror in a room filled with computers and things.]
This food will determine what food,
if any, the alien eats.
[Cut to: In Front Of The Mirror. Enter Zoidberg who turns around
and sees a table full of food.]
A buffet! Oh if only I had my wallet
[Cut to: Behind The Mirror. The man presses a button and his
voice is heard in the next room on an intercom.]
Um, it's free.
[Zoidberg squeals with delight and gorges on the food. It splatters
up against the mirror. The men peer into the room and recoil
in horror as Zoidberg splatters himself against the window and
licks the food off.]
Get me the president.
[Sears-Roebuck. In the department store Farnsworth and Leela,
dressed in 20th century garb, look around.]
Fry's from around this time, I'll talk
[Cut to: Appliances. Leela walks up behind a salesman.]
Yo homes! We're looking for a microwave
Microwave? Never heard of that brand
sweetheart. What you want is the Deuluxe
Gas Princess. This baby has four broilers,
a gaserrole indicator, a fold out ironing
board and down here...a foot soaking
tub. Since as a woman you'll be standing
in front of it all day.
[Leela gives the man and evil and opens the oven door. It lands
on his knee. He screams.]
Oh I'm sorry, now I'll ax you again:
Where can we find a mi-cro-wave?
Sir you're wife's hysterical. So I'll
address this to you. This oven is lightning
fast. It takes only 5 hours to cook
Ooo that's good news! You know you really
don't cook enough roast Leela! Ooo.
[Street. Fry and Enos walk.]
Thank God I got you off that dangerour
You sure are the helpful type stranger!
Say, you got anything to eat in that
there lunchbox? Ooo! Snack!
[He puts them in his mouth and cringes.]
Hey, that's my brain...
[Fry puts Bender's head in a sack and Bender's words become muffled.]
Man, them crackers cut my mouth up somethin'
bad! Let's stop off for a malt!
[Joe's Malts. Fry and Enos sit at a table.]
See that waitress there?
Yowza! I know what I want for dessert!
That's my fiance! Mildred.
Grandma Mildred?! Uh, no dessert, just
Okie doke. And for you snuggums?
Uh, I'll have a pie with a fried egg
[Mildred kisses him.]
Eh she sure is pretty. You ought to
marry her and father some children right
Yeah folks say that. But did you ever
get the feeling you're only going with
girls cos you're supposed to?
What?? Don't ever say or think that
again! Please. Just concentrate on staying
alive! Fire! Look out! Oh! You almost
Well, it ain't as bad as getting killed!
For me it is! I'm getting you out of
[He grabs Enos and they run out. Mildred watches and sighs.]
[Desert. Fry drives a jeep out to the middle of nowhere and stops
outside a shack.]
[Cut to: Shack.]
OK, we're in the middle of nowhere,
which is the safest part of nowhere.
Just stay put and enjoy this calendar.
[He puts the pin-up from the ship above the fireplace. Enos flips
it over to a picture of a man. Fry angryily turns it back to
[Cut to: Outside Shack. Fry locks the door, get's in the jeep
and drives away.]
Safe and sound! Finally I can continue
[He drives past a sign Atomic Test In Progress.]
[Cut to: Building. Three men watch and one counts down.]
3. 2. 1.
[The atomic bomb goes off.]
[Cut to: Shack. Enos is looking at the picture of the man. He
looks outside the window at and approaching glow.]
[Cut to: Outside Shack. The atomic blast tears the shack and
it occupants apart.]
[Cut to: Jeep. Fry looks in the mirror and sees the mushroom
cloud. He stops and looks back.]
And you are outta here!
[Joe's Malts. Leela and Farnsworth look at the menu's.]
What'll you folks have today?
I'll have the soylent green, with a
slice of soylent orange and some soylent
It's the 20th century Professor.
Oh right! I'll have a croque monsieur,
the paella, two mutton pills and a stein
I'll just have a small injection of
Uh, two chilli dogs comin' up.
[She walks off.]
Well, settle in. Without a microwave
we're trapped in this time period.
Oh Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible
music of the big bopper, and then the
terrible tragedy of his death.
[Leela looks through the window and sees something.]
Wait a second. There's a microwave radar
dish at the army base. We could steal
No! That would alter history. Above
all else, it is our sacred duty to preserve
the past exactly as it was.
[Enter Fry in his own clothes.]
Well, I killed my grandfather.
Wait. If you killed your grandfather
then why do you stll exist?
I dunno. Maybe God loves me.
[Cut to: Phone. Mildred is talking to someone.]
Killed? In an atomic blast? No sir,
I'm afraid I don't take much solace
in the fact that the implosion trigger
[She hangs up and cries. Fry comes up behind her and puts his
hand on her shoulder.]
Aww. There there. If it makes you feel
any better, his body was vapourised
so there's no chance of him coming back
as a zombie.
I'm not worried about that.
Then you're a braver woman than I.
You remind me of Enos. Would you mind
walking me home?
Uh, how far is it?
[Airbase Runway. A plane lands and a crate of canned eggs is
unloaded. President Truman kicks it open and emerges from it.]
Welcome to Roswell President Truman.
Fellas, this visit's top secret. No
one's to know about it, except the senior
officers, the scientists and a single
conspiracy nutter no one will believe.
[A man with a camera nods, laughs and takes a photo.]
[Airbase Hangar. Dusk has fallen and the men enter the hangar.]
Mr President, our men have assembled
the parts of the alien ship into it's
[Bender's body is now shaped like a flying saucer. A hatch opens
and a beer bottle falls out. The men gasp.]
Whistling Dixie! I want this sent to
Area 51 for study.
But sir, that's where we're building
the fake moon landing set.
Then we'll really have to land on the
moon. Invent NASA and tell them to get
off their fanny's!
[Room. Zoidberg is tied to a chair. Truman sits opposite him
with the General and other man behind him.]
If you come in peace, surrender or be
destroyed. If you're here to make war,
Both good, the important thing is I'm
meeting new people.
Bushwa! Now what's your mission? Are
you planning on making some sort of
Are you coming onto me?
Hot crackers I take exception to that!
I'm not hearing a no.
[Truman stand up.]
Nuts to this space crap! If we want
information, we'll have to do us an
old fashioned alien autopsy!
[A man holds a saw up bhind Zoidberg. Zoidberg turns around.]
[Mildred's House. She pours a drink for her and Fry.]
Every little thing reminds me of Enos.
[She looks at a picture of a mushroom cloud and cries more.]
Aww I know how you feel. My grandfather
It's all so sad. At times like this,
I just need someone to hold me. Mmm.
You like holding me don't you?
[Fry shakes and stands up.]
Hey, you know what always cheers you
up? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies!
How 'bout these cookies sugar?
[She rips her dress open. Fry jumps with shock and throws his
glass across the room.]
I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even
exist. But I do which proves...you can't
really be my grandm -
[Mildred kisses him and they fall onto the couch.]
[Mildred's Bedroom. The next morning Fry and Mildred are in bed.
Fry is still asleep. Farnsworth, Leela and Bender peer through
the window and are disgusted.]
LEELA [FROM OUTSIDE]
[Leela taps on the glass and Fry wakes up, drowsy.]
[Cut to: Outside. Fry opens the window and pokes his head out.]
What the hell have you done Fry?
Relax! She can't be my grandmother!
I figured it all out.
[Cut to: Mildred's Bedroom.]
[Fry turns around. Mildred is wearing glasses and in knitting.
Her voice is drier.]
Come back to bed deary!
It's impossible! I mean, if she's my
grandmother, who's my grandfather?
[Fry screams and runs back and forth. Mildred pours some tea.
She is wearing a shawl.]
Did you say something deary? I'm a bit
hard of hearing.
[She puts a thing to her ear and Fry scream again.]
[Airbase Building. In a medical room, doctors have opened up
Zoidberg and are looking inside. One doctor dictates what he
is doing into a microphone.]
[Zoidberg grabs the microphone.]
[The doctor takes the microphone back. Another pulls out one
of Zoidberg's organs.]
Take, I've got four of them.
Stomach contents: One deviled egg.
[He puts it in a kidney bowl.]
[He eats it. The doctor pulls it out again.]
The same deviled egg.
[Ship's Cockpit. Fry screams and blubbers in shock. Leela slaps
Snap out of it!
Start the ship Leela. Let's just steal
the damned radar dish and get back to
our own time!
But...but won't that change history?
Oh a lesson in not changing history
from Mr I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get
the hell out of here already! Screw
[Desert. The ship flies towards the airbase.]
[Cut to: Airbase. The torpedo hatch opens and fires a missile
with Roswell That Ends Well written on it and a picture of Zoidberg.
It hits something and explodes. Soldiers run around screaming.
The ship shoots at buildings, cuts through telephone wires, shoots
at a water tower. The conspiracy photographer holds his camera
[The ship turns around and he takes a photo. The developed photo
turns into the famed picture of the Lock Ness Monster.]
[Airbase Building. A doctor is sawing Zoidberg.]
Hey don't cut that! I need that to speak!
[The doctor looks at the other doctor then cuts faster. The ceiling
breaks open and Fry and Leela drop in with jetpacks.]
Sweet Roosevelt's ghost!
[Leela kicks the doctor.]
Heyya! Ya! Ya!
[Fry pulls some organs out of Zoidberg and throws them at Truman.]
Take this Mr President, sir!
[He throws another organ and it hits Truman in the face.]
The President is gagging on my gas bladder!
What an honour!
[Airbase Hangar. Bender's body is still on the table in the shape
of a flying saucer. The wall explodes. Farnsworth, asleep, is
sitting in a flying chair with guns attached. He wakes up.]
Huh wha? Oh right!
[He moves the chair forward, pciks Bender's body up with his
feet and reverses.]
[Cut to: Airbase. Tanks shoot at the ship. The cargo bay door
opens and the magnetic winch comes out and grabs the radar dish.
It rips off the roof of the building. Inside the Sergeant is
eating his lunch from the toilet.]
FRY [FROM SHIP]
He's dead, sorry.
[The ship flies away. Planes shoot at it. The ship flies into
the hangar and blasts out of the roof. It quickly gains height.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Zoidberg, Farnsworth, Bender and Fry
look out of the doors and cheer. Leela appears on the screen
from the cockpit.]
Choke on that causality!
1947 can kiss my shiny metal...
[His head falls out of the door and tumbles back to Earth. He
screams on the way down.]
Turn around. We've gotta go back for
Impossible. The supernova timehole is
closing! If we don't leave now, we'll
never get back to the 31st century!
[He turns the microwave dish on and it shoots a bolt of energy
at some popcorn. The room turns blue.]
[Cut to: Outside Ship.]
FRY [FROM INSIDE]
[The ship vanishes into the timehole.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg finishes taping up his
There, good as new!
[Leela holds up and organ.]
Don't you need this one?
Oh no! That's my... Gotcha!
[Leela, not impressed, tosses the organ over her shoulder.]
Oh, poor Bender. He must be so lonely
right now. Trapped a thousand years
in the past. Hey! Wait a second!
[Desert. The ship lands in present day New Mexico outside the
ruins of the Roswell Airbase. Fry searches the area with a metal
[Leela slams her spade into the ground and it hits Bender's head.]
BENDER [FROM GROUND]
Ow! Stupid junk!
He's alive! Bender. What was it like
lying in that hole for a thousand years?
I was enjoying it until you guys showed
Well, now everything is back as it was.
And if history doesn't care that out
degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather,
then who are we to judge?
[Leela rejoins Bender's head with his body which is still shaped
like a spaceship.]
[He lifts off. Fry, Bender, Leela and Farnsworth walk back to
Roswell That Ends Well
Writers : J. Stewart Burns
Genres : Animation Comedy