Patric M. Verrone
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Deciphered From Crop Circles.]
[Outside The Comedy Simulator. "Amateur Nite" is displayed in
lights on the building; "Amateur Valet Parking Nite" is displayed
on a billboard by the door. A man and a woman wait for the valet
to bring their car round and he promptly crashes it into a lamppost,
gets out and hands the man the keys.]
[Cut to: The Comedy Simulator. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a
robot with a mechanical voice finish his act. Leela is wearing
her cryogenics officer jacket.]
So I says, "Super collider? I just met
her!" And then they built the super
collider. Thank you, you've been a great
[The audience applauds and the robot leaves. Florp takes the
Humorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next stand-up's a veteran of four
comedy traffic schools. Give it way
up for Bobcat Zoidberg!
[The audience applauds and Zoidberg wanders onto the stage.]
(cheering) Alright, Zoidberg!
[The applause dies down.]
Earth. What a planet. On Earth, you
enjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet,
clams enjoy eating a tasty you. Maybe
I'm not yelling loud enough. (shouting)
On Earth, everybody is always looking
for a giant squid. On my planet -
[A tomato hits him in the face and he eats it. At their table,
Bender stresses a spoon back on its handle.]
[Leela puts another tomato in and he fires. It misses Zoidberg
and he carries on with his act.]
So these three parasitic worms bore
into a human's head...
[The audience murmurs to each other.]
...and they walk up to the bar and then
- uh-oh. Wait, stop! I've got more!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning, the rest of
the crew listen to Zoidberg's sad story.]
My whole life I worked on that act.
And they hated it.
You're a crazy, penniless, lobster doctor.
No combination of you should be a comedian.
But comedy is in my valves. My Uncle
Harold was a big Hollywood star back
in the era of silent holograms.
(awestruck) Your uncle was Harold Zoid?
(dramatic) This I cannot deny.
Why, I've been a Harold Zoid fan since
back when my hips were made of bone.
As it happens, I still have some of
my original 78s.
[He picks up a big 78 million RPM Holodisk, blows the dust off
it and puts the disc onto a gramophone-like machine. A black-and-white
3D picture appears in the middle of the table. The studio is
Metropolitan Holoplays and the title is A Close Shaving (MMCMXXII).
A Decapodian barber played by Harold Zoid sharpens his razor
blades in his shop. A man walks in and says "Your finest trim,
please". He takes his hat off and the barber uses his claws to
cut the man's moustache completely off. The man is shocked and
exclaims "You are a buffoon. Now cut my beard". The barber puts
shaving foam over the man's chin and cuts his head off. The man's
head bounces through the door. The barber waves the man's hat.
"Sir, you forgot your hat!" The film ends with the caption "The
End" and "Buy Moxie". The crew chuckle.]
You're right, crabby. He's a hell of
a lot funnier than you could ever be.
Maybe so, but perhaps if I wrote him
and asked for a few hundred pointers...
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry sits with Zoidberg as
he plans his letter.]
This letter has to be very personal,
so I'm writing it in my own ink. (writing;
thinking) Dear Uncle Zoid, Greetings
from your long-lost nephew. Norm and
Sam and Sadie's boy, remember? ...
[Fade to: Outside Final Curtain Old Actors' Home. The building
is a run-down heap on Hollywood and Vine.]
(voice-over) ...Now I am the most important
doctor at the delivery company where
I work. But, sadly, my life is bereft
[Cut to: Final Curtain Old Actors' Home Lounge. The inside of
the building is as equally run-down as the outside. An old Decapodian
sits in a chair reading Zoidberg's letter.]
(reading) I beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle,
teach me the comedy business. Sincerely,
Zoidberg. (talking) Oy, isn't that nice?
He took the time.
[An old woman looks over his shoulder.]
What's that scribbldy-gook?
This is a fan letter from my rich doctor
nephew who just might be my ticket out
of this flophouse, he might. Yeah,
you'd better run. (writing) Dear Rich
Doctor Nephew, I can help you be funny.
The first funny thing you must do is
put all of your money in the form of
a cashier's cheque and come to Hollywood.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg reads the reply to Bender,
Fry and Leela.]
(reading) Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S.
Cashier's cheque. (talking) Did you
hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!
[The ship flies across the California desert, through the middle
of the third Hollywood "O" and down to a multi-storey car park.
Leela sets down in a compact only space, shunting the cars either
side out of the way.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela puts the huge steering lock on
[Hollywood Street. The foursome board an open-top Star Tours
bus which, as the disclaimer states, does not leave Earth.]
Welcome to Hollywood! I must warn you,
there's no refund if you get discovered
and leave the tour! I'm just kidding,
that never happens. Now, to your right,
you'll see 30th Century Fox Studios.
Fox uses those searchlights to blind
pilots, then film the resulting plane
[The passengers get a demonstration as a plane crashes nearby
in a huge fireball. Bender takes a photo of it.]
Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson,
star of the hit film, Bravehead. And
do we have any fans of Calculon, star
of the robot soap opera All My Circuits?
Oh, I am, me! Bender is!
Then you'll wanna get a close look at
his luxurious Bel-Air home.
Yes, I will.
[He jumps off the bus, lands on a car and runs through the hedge.]
[Cut to: Outside Calculon's House. Bender rings the doorbell
and Calculon, wearing a personalised bathrobe, answers it.]
Are you my new hot water heater?
No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?
Come on, don't you remember how much
I was bugging you, don't you? 'Cause
it was a lot, you remember, right?
[Calculon pushes him away.]
Look, I'm programmed to be very busy.
Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees,
I'm not interested. Have you got an
extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need
Bender? That was the other guy. My name's
[Calculon's Bathroom. Calculon stands in the shower. Bender stands
behind him spraying him with water.]
Nice work, Boiler.
Thanks. And call me Bender.
[Hollywood Street. The tour bus passes Hugo Bott, Calvin Clone
and a restaurant called Ebola.]
That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid
for lunch to discuss my Hollywood dreams.
Next time you see me, don't be surprised
if I've eaten.
[He runs off the bus and into the restaurant, wooping.]
[Cut to: Ebola. He stops wooping when he sees a smartly-dressed
Zoid sitting at a table waiting for him.]
Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough
to be throw back!
Rich nephew, come over here and give
your uncle a nice, big meal. So, here
we are: A still-famous film comedian...
...And a rich, respected doctor with
many surviving patients.
Eating real food in a restaurant, as
we both often do. So, you want to be
a comedian, is it?
It's my lifelong dream.
(shouting) Well that dream dies now.
You're unfunny and untalented. That's
why you're perfect for drama.
Hmm, serious drama. Perhaps it is time
to give up comedy.
[A waiter trips and drops a plate of spaghetti bolognese on Zoidberg.
The other diners laugh.]
I'm putting together a big drama picture
right now, as we speak. The script is
dynamite. I know because I wrote it
myself. And with me directing and starring,
I'll be back on top after 50 miserable
years......uh, of fame.
Ah, fame. Where do I come in?
This fame film has a juicy part for
you, if you completely finance it with
your doctor money. So, are you in?
Uh, OK. How much do I have to invest?
Oh, not much, not much, (quietly) amilliondollars.
(talking) Then it's settled. Another
blockbuster Hollywood deal.
What can I get you gentlemen?
Is bread free?
We'll split an order.
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is still parked. Zoidberg, Fry and
Leela are back. Zoidberg cries. Bender walks in with a cap, a
personalised jacket, shades and a cigar.]
What's with Monstro?
He promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid
a million bucks to make a movie.
(crying) I've only been here a day and
already I'm a Hollywood phoney.
(proud) Well, perhaps I could call on
TVs Calculon to help, now that I'm in
[He turns around and shows the others the All My Circuits logo
on the back of his jacket.
Since when have you been in the biz?
Long enough, little man. Long enough.
[His hand starts shaking and it bursts with water which covers
[Outside All My Circuits Soundstage. The quartet pass a sign
saying "Taping In Progress. Please Announce Self With Bullhorn"
as they go in.]
[Calculon's Dressing Room. They walk in as Calculon applies WD-40
Calculon, as your hot water heater......I
would be remiss if I didn't bring you
scripts that could make you an international
Of course. Tell me about the project.
It's a movie.
Interesting. Tell me more.
Get this: For a scant $1 million investment,
you can be the star.
And, uh, I guarantee it'll win you an
An Oscar, you say? That would get me
out of this festering rat's nest called
"television" once and for all. Let me
see the script. No, no I don't like
the font. Wait! Harold Zoid? Was this
written by the Harold Zoid?
Written and Xeroxed.
Good heavens. A chance to work with
the legendary Harold Zoid. He's one
of my great idols. And, and you say
you can guarantee me the Oscar?
I can guarantee anything you want.
Then I'll do it!
[Bender opens his chest cabinet.]
Here's your chequebook.
[The Magnificent Three Soundstage. Sets are built and backdrops
are painted as Calculon introduces Zoid.]
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our
director, the legendary Harold Zoid!
[The cast and crew applaud Zoid, who is dressed riding trousers
and various other odd clothes.]
Thank you. A more classic movie plot
there isn't: A son who does not want
to follow in his father's business.
And that business is being president
of Earth, no less. The son, as it happens,
is vice president.
(to Calculon) That plot makes perfect
sense, wink wink.
Bender, you said "wink wink" out loud.
No, I didn't. (quietly) Raise middle
[Time Lapse. Calculon stands in front of a backdrop of the White
House and Zoid tries to find a good angle.]
Now, remember, and I can't stress this
enough, this is a talkie. So I want
the full gamut of emotions from every
actor in every scene.
[He walks onto the set with Calculon.]
The Magnificent Three. Scene one, take
[He claps the clapperboard together, which has been painted on
Take back your gilded pen, Father. Signing
bills into law was always your dream,
Cut! Cut! Cut it! I said this is a
talkie, damnit! You've got to emote
more! And you extras: Wave your arms
and make faces. What is this, a morgue?
[Time Lapse. Zoid, Calculon and some extras stand on a set of
the White House oval office.]
The Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take
Action. And I mean circus-grade action.
[As Calculon over-acts his way through the scene, extras run
around the set, waving their arms, making noises and impersonating
Sir, I call upon you not as a president
but as a father.
[He cries on Zoid's shoulder. Zoid pushes him away.]
Cut, cut, cut it! Would you show a
little emotion? People, people, please.
Just because it's a dramatic scene,
doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy
in the background. Throw a pie or two,
for God's sake.
[Time Lapse. The extras run around in front of the White House
backdrop throwing pies and laughing.]
[Time Lapse. On a set of the White House roof, Calculon finishes
a scene. There is a rain a wind machine nearby.]
[He cries. Zoid runs onto the set.]
Cut, cut it! Eck! Look, look, it's alright,
kid. We'll, uh, we'll get it in editing.
Alright, that's a wrap everybody, I'm
gonna see you all at the premiere which,
by the way, when is?
Well, uh, editing is a long and expensive
process but we spent all the money on
pies, so it'll be ready Friday.
[Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Bender takes
a seat with the stars in the packed auditorium.]
Nice turnout, Calculon. That Oscar's
practically on your mantel.
I just pray they like me half as much
as I do.
[The lights dim and the credits roll. The audience cheers when
Zoid's name comes up on the screen. The first scene is outside
The White House; Washington D.D. The typer corrects it to D.C.
Calculon and Zoid have a scene together in the oval office.]
(in movie) I agreed to be your vice
president but I never agreed to be your
son. Thank you, Lieutenant Smith.
(in movie) Good morning, Mr. Vice President!
[Outside Loew's Gaddafi's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Next door,
Pauly Shore's Jury Duty II is still playing. The Planet Express
ship flies back and forth over the building.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry peers through the window. He is
wearing a light blue tuxedo.]
Leela, we're missing the premiere.
My only goal in life was to attend a
Hollywood shindig. Just pay the valet
the two bucks.
No! It's the principle of the thing.
Besides, I think I see a parking lot
[The ship lands on a black surface - and starts to sink. Leela
has landed on a tar pit. She and Fry scream.]
[Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. The film
has nearly finished playing. Calculon and Zoid are on the roof
of the White House in the rain. Zoid is sat in a wheelchair.]
(in movie) Father, I have asked you
to join me on the White House roof so
we could have a heart-to-heart talk.
I will never follow in your footsteps.
Here is my resignation as vice president.
[Zoid cuts the paper up.]
(in movie) No! My son will not shame
me like this. I would sooner die, I
[He pushes his wheelchair away.]
(in movie) Father! The ledge!
[Zoid's chair rolls off the ledge.]
(in movie) Oy!
(in movie) Oh.
[Zoidberg opens a hatch in the roof.]
(in movie) The president is dead. Congratulations,
(screaming; in movie) Nooo!
[The film ends with Bender credited as executive producer.]
(cheering) Woohoo! Yeah! He's a visionary!
[Calculon looks around. The room is empty.]
Everyone walked out. They hated it.
I've seen plagues that have better opening
nights than this. You said that Oscar
was practically on my mantel.
Now you know why I use the qualifier,
You listen to me. I'm out a million
bucks here! You get me that Oscar, or
you're dead! You and these snivelling
lobsters! Dead. You hear me? Dead!
[Bender and Zoidberg huddle together. Calculon leaves.]
Oy, now he emotes!
[Calculon's Lounge. Calculon reads Daily Variety. The headline
reads "Osc Noms Announced" and "Also, Oscar Nominations Announced".]
400 categories and not a single nomination
But you won this Golden Globe!
Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards!
I told you I want an Oscar.
Then maybe you should act better.
The Oscar isn't about acting. It's about
earning the respect and admiration of
the creative community.
How 'bout we rig the awards?
That's fine too.
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is still in the tar pit. Leela tries
the engine but it stalls.]
It's no use. The tar is too thick. Plus,
I think I flooded it.
Well, we missed the premiere and we're
gonna die. We might as well enjoy the
sights. Oh my God, Sylvester Stallone!
[Final Curtain Old Actors' Home: Zoid's Room.]
This is where you live? I though you
were a big-shot Hollywood movie star.
No, I'm not. I'm an even bigger liar
than you. My career went down the tube
the day they invented smell-a-vision.
Calculon's gonna kill us for sure. It's
all everybody else's fault.
Oy. All I wanted was for people to think
of me one last time before I die.
What are you talking about? Everybody
remembers Harold Zoid!
As a pathetic has-been, they remember
me. As a forgotten relic, they remember
me. Bah! It's better to die now.
No. This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't
be responsible for. Zoidberg away!
[He leaves with an ineffective walk.]
[Outside Academy Awards. Florp arrives in a limo and photographers
line the red carpet to take pictures of the stars. Joan Rivers's
head presents the TV coverage.]
Hi, I'm Joan Rivers's head. I tell you,
I've had so many face-lifts, they finally
lifted it right off my body! It's true,
it's true! Oh, oh, oh, here comes Jack
Nicholson's DNA, reconstituted in a
[The gorilla walks up the carpet. Around the back Bender, wearing
a chef's hat, pushes a trolley towards a door. A doorman stops
[The doorman lifts the lid off the plate. Zoidberg is underneath
with a pineapple in his mouth. The doorman gags and lets Bender
inside. Joan Rivers introduces more stars on the red carpet.]
Oh, and here's washed-up actor, what's-his-name,
Harold Zoid. Are you presenting one
of those tacky honorary awards, or just
I'm a seat-filler, Joan's head. My only
marketable skill is to occupy space.
[Academy Awards. Zoid sits between Calculon and Boxy.]
You know, the second I don't win that
award, you're cat food. Right, Boxy?
[Boxy beeps and points a laser at Zoid. Some music plays and
the audience applauds.]
And now, the host of the 1074th Academy
Awards, Billy Crystal.
[The curtain lifts. Crystal's head is atop a giant Oscar statuette.]
Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels.
Alright, we're already one hour behind.
Our first award tonight, Best Cinematography
in a Non-Visible Spectrum.
It's been two weeks. You wanna play
tic-tac-toe again before we eat our
Oh, I always knew I'd die at the bottom
of a pit. But a pit full of tar?
[The ship bangs and tilts.]
What was that? A tar dolphin or a tar
[Leela looks at a scanner.]
It's some kind of hollow tube, devoid
of human life. The Los Angeles subway!
We can blast our way in and escape!
Alright, but I still feel like having
[He starts to eat it and Leela tries the engine.]
[Academy Awards. Backstage, Bender peeps through a curtain.]
What category are they on?
They're giving out the minor technical
awards. I think they're up to writing.
That leave Best Soft-Drink Product Placement
and then Best Actor. We don't have much
[On the stage, the next category is presented.]
And the nominees for Best Soft-Drink
Product Placement are:
Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They
Call Me Mr. Pibb and Snow White And
The 7 Ups.
[Backstage, Bender swaps the microphones over.]
And now, to present the award for Best
Actor......a bit player in the flop
movie The Magnificent Three......Dr.
[The audience applauds. Zoidberg throws Crystal's head out of
his jar and the audience cheers louder.]
(quietly) OK, Boxy, keep your prong
on the trigger.
And the nominees for Best Actor are:
Sir Lawrence...... in The Merchant Of
Venus, Hive Mind Gamma 7X in Bikini
Party Summer, the Soda Machine Robot
in Bikini Party Summer, Mark Jones in
How Beige Was My Jacket and, instead
of the fifth guy - Calculon, for his
powerhouse performance in The Magnificent
[The audience murmur. Backstage are two men with ballot boxes.]
Uh-oh, he read the wrong name.
(whispering) Shh, just play along, like
they did with Marisa Tomei.
Hooray, I won't be murdered. I'll live
another day. Another day of...pathetic,
[Zoidberg sees his sad uncle and opens the envelope.]
And the winner is... And the winner,
instead of any of the nominees, is the
legendary Harold Zoid!
[Zoid runs onto the stage and the audience clap in confusion.
Zoid hugs Zoidberg.]
Thank you. Thank you so much! You know,
through all my ups and downs, I always
thought the most important thing in
life was to win an Oscar. But tonight
I realise what's really important is
to win two Oscars. Ha, ha! I'm kidding,
I'm kidding. What really matters in
life is that people care about you,
whether it's a whole crowd......or just
one die-hard fan.
[He looks at Zoidberg. The audience claps and Jack Nicholson
swings from a chandelier.
[Ebola. Bender, Zoid and Zoidberg attend the Oscars party.]
Thank you, nephew. Now I can die happy.
10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills
[Calculon and Boxy walk in.]
Hit the deck!
[He and Zoidberg cower under the table.]
Where's that Oscar?
Here, enjoy. What are you getting upset?
It's slightly less fraudulent for you
to have it.
[He hands it to Calculon.]
Yes, yes it's a real beauty. Someday
I hope to win one of my own.
[He puts it back on the table.]
Then you're not going to kill us, Your
Nay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid
too much to beat him to death with his
[The crowd claps and the room shakes.]
Hit the deck!
Let the earth quake, I've got somebody's
[Hollywood Street. The tar-covered Planet Express ship bursts
out of an L.A. subway terminal and glides to a stop outside Ebola.
Leela and Fry walk down the steps.]
We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party!
I'm sorry, sir, this is a private -
oh, pardon me, I see you're with Mr.
[Stallone's skeleton is stuck to Fry's leg. The doorman lets
him and Leela in.]
Writers : Patric M. Verrone
Genres : Animation Comedy