"THE CRYONIC WOMAN"
J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Not a Substitute for Human Interaction.]
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is in the Planet Express hangar and
Fry and Bender are messing around in the cockpit. Fry flies a
scale model of the ship around and makes whoosh-y noises, then
a crackling radio noise.]
Giant Space Robot, this is Captain Fry
of the USS Planet Express Ship; We come
[He takes a hammer out of his chest cabinet and knocks the ship
out of Fry's hands. It lands on the floor and Bender smashes
it to bits. He and Fry laugh.]
Well, we destroyed the toy spaceship.
Now what are we gonna do?
Hey, look! The keys to the real spaceship.
[Fry sees the keys in the ignition and turns to Bender.]
Do you think we should?
[Bender stands up.]
(firmly) Yes, I do.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. At the conference table Zoidberg
reads a book, Hermes sits with an iMac in front of him and Amy
eats something with chopsticks. In the kitchen, Leela finishes
washing a "Universe's #1 Space Pilot" mug and puts it next to
Fry's "Universe's #4307697 Delivery Boy" mug.]
Leela, have you seen the keys to the
I must've left them onboard.
Eh, wha'? I mean, what?
Relax. The ship's not going anywhere.
I anchored it with the unbreakable diamond
[The ship begins to rumble and slowly rises into the air. Leela
and Farnsworth gasp.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The coil of diamond tether starts
to run out as the ship gets higher.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
[She talks in Martian.]
Sweet ghost of Babylon.
This isn't good for Zoidberg!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship emerges from the hangar
and flies away. The tether tightens and the ship struggles, eventually
ripping the building from it's foundations.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The other five fly through the
air and hit the back wall.]
[St. Louis. The ship flies under the Gateway Arch and loops the
loop several times. The Planet Express building spins around
it and the crew scream from inside.]
[San Francisco. The building skims the surface of the water by
the Golden Gate Bridge.]
[Great Wall of China. The Chinese ignore the ship as it flies
over. Seconds afterwards, the building crashes through the wall
and the Mongols ride over it, wielding swords.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry sits with his feet on a console
while Bender literally flies by the seat of his pants.]
Hey, Fry, I'm steering with my ass!
That's the best thing I ever saw!
[Pisa. The ship knocks the Leaning Tower upright and the locals
shout angrily at them and wave their fists.]
[The building hits it and knocks it at an angle again and the
We like you a lot!
[The Leaning Tower topples and crushes some of them.]
[New New York City. The ship flies past the Statue of Liberty
and over Manhattan before lowering the building back onto its
foundations and landing in the hangar.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The place is a tip. Fry and
Bender walk down the ship's steps, laughing.]
That was great!
And no one suspects a thing! Whoa!
And that's how we learned our lesson!
[Fry hides behind him and nods.]
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth berates them.]
You've gone too far this time - all
three of you!
What did I do?
You left the keys in the ignition. I
mean, look at those two. Wasn't it obvious
what would happen?
We're all very disappointed in you.
I should fire you three right now, but
I'm just not that cold-hearted.
[He whispers something to Hermes.]
You're all fired.
[The others' jaws drop.]
[Outside Planet Express. The three former employees leave through
the main door. Zoidberg, Amy, Hermes and Farnsworth watch them
Goodbye, friends. I'll miss you. Good
riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the
Yes, yes! Let's all talk to Zoidberg.
Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, I've been thinking.
Do you think we could go out?
So, Zoidberg. What's new?
Tell me, Zoidberg: Is it carapace or
Oh, you know...!
[Park. The jobless Fry, Leela and Bender sit on a bench.]
What are we supposed to do for money?
All I've got is my frequent taffy eater's
card, my first moustache......and this
picture of me and my old girlfriend,
Michelle, and that ski instructor she
was just friends with.
[In the photo the ski instructor has his arm around Michelle
while Fry leans into the photo, waving. Bender unscrews his head
and holds it out like a bucket to a passing man.]
Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to
the Anti-Mugging-You Fund? Ow!
[She puts his head back on.]
We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's
sake, we're not veterans!
Well, what do you suggest? A daring
daylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant-back?
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!
No, we can get jobs.
But we just had jobs!
[Leela opens her backpack.]
Fortunately, I still have our old career
Career chips. You remember? They assign
you the job you're best at. I tried
to give you one and you ran away. It's
how we met!
And then what happened?
Just give me your hand.
[She clips him with her implant gun.]
[Applied Cryogenics: Ipgee's Office. Leela reapplies to the company
with the motto "It Seems To Work OK" at exactly 3pm. Fry and
Bender are with her.]
I'd like to reapply for my old job:
Counselling defrostees and assigning
Oh, I was hoping you would come back!
I even saved your poster of a chimp
expressing your distaste for Mondays.
[He takes the poster out of his drawer. It has a picture of a
monkey wearing a tie on it. Above, "I Hate Mondays" is written.]
Monday Monkey lives for the weekend,
Just put your hand under the scanner
so I can verify your career chip. Calcutta,
we have a problem.
["Career: Delivery Boy" is on the screen.]
Delivery boy? I must have mixed up the
chips. It's a simple mis -
[Ipgee scans Fry's chip.]
Oh, here's a cryogenic counsellor! Do
you like Mondays?
Then we'll have to redecorate your office.
How do you feel about it helping to
be crazy to work here but not being
Hey, let's see what it says about me.
[He takes a severed human arm out of his chest cabinet and Ipgee
scans it. "Prime Minister Of Norway" appears on the screen.]
Welcome aboard, sir.
[Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. Terry scrapes some condensation
from the front of an active freezer tube. Fry is wearing a blue
uniform and he and Bender are both wearing white coats.]
Remember, when the tube opens, say...(dramatically)..."Welcome
to the world of tomorrow!"
Hey, I was frozen. I think I know what
people wanna hear when they first wake
up. Bathroom's that way.
[The man pushes him out the way and runs.]
[Applied Cryogenics: Probulator Room. The man is lying naked
on the table. Hovering above him are some sharp instruments.]
So, while you're on the Probulator,
tell me, what brings you to the future?
Oh, well, I wanted to meet Shakespeare
and I figured that time was cyclical.
Nope. Straight line. Ah, the Probulator's
That wasn't so bad.
Oh, wait, it hasn't started yet. OK,
it's about to start.
[It dings and the man screams some more.]
[Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. A freezer opens and an old
man walk out, rubbing his eyes. Bender runs towards him wearing
a giant fly's head and a cape.]
Welcome to the future, human slave.
Ah, relax, chum. I'm not really a giant
fly! I'm a horrible robot! Kill all
[The old man clutches his chest.]
Dear God! He's having a heart attack!
[Bender pushes the old man into the freezer, turns the dial and
Ah, they'll probably find a cure for
that in the future.
We have a cure for it now!
Oh, good. Then you won't mind if I use
[He puts a gorilla mask on.]
[Time Lapse. Fry is frozen in a freezer. It pings, unfreezes
him and opens the door. He yawns and stretches.]
Nothing like a power nap.
[He pours himself a coffee and opens the old man's tube. There
are pizza boxes, milk cartons, beers and cans of Slurm stacked
around him. Fry pours some milk in his coffee. The old man unfreezes.]
Oh, flies! Flies and gorillas!
[Fry hands him the milk and closes the door. The old man freezes
again. The door to the Probulator room opens and Bender walks
Stay beautiful, doll-face! That Probulator
sure knows how to please a man. So,
what's for lunch?
I ordered a pizza.
[The door opens and Leela walks in, wearing delivery girl garb.
Her cap has a slice of pizza stuck in it.]
Pizza delivery for...I.C. Wiener. Yeah,
very funny. Now cough up the $12.95.
Sorry, but if it's not here in half
an hour, it's free.
It's only been 23 minutes.
Well, uh, I've got 33 minutes.
[Leela puts the pizza box on the table and presses a button.
The doodle of a hef starts to talk.]
It's only been-a 23 minutes, you dumb-a
canolli. You got a problem, we can take
OK, I'll fight the box. I think I can
Fry, just pay me. I still owe 30 bucks
on this uniform.
35, you stupid meatball.
[Time Lapse. Bender and Fry walk past the freezers, looking at
Who should be unfreeze next?
[They look at a commando-type who is holding a gun and pulling
a pin from a grenade.]
No. No! Oh, my God! It's Pauly Shore!
[He puts his gorilla mask on.]
[Applied Cryogenics: Probulator Room. Pauly Shore is lying on
Mr. Shore, I loved you in Bio-Dome.
You sure caused some trouble in that
Rest assured, if it rhymes, I can cause
trouble in it.
Hey, now that you're in the future,
you can go live in an actual bio-dome!
An unattractive prospect. While researching
for the role, I ran computer simulations
demonstrating, incontravertably, that
the whole bio-enclosure concept is fundamentally
flawed. Be it expressed via dome, sphere,
cube or even a stately tetrahedron,
[He smacks his lips. Fry stares blankly at him.]
Oh. How did you wind up getting frozen?
Well, while filming Encino Man my intellectual
curiosity re: cryogenics was peaked,
and I resolved to freeze the weasel.
Hey, listen, skippy. I was supposed
to be unfrozen in Hollywood for the
thousandth anniversary screening of
Jury Duty II. How come I'm not there?
I woke you up early so we could hang
out and do stuff.
[Fry turns the Probulator on and Shore screams.]
[Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room.]
I love this job.
[Bender is wearing a sheet over his head and looks like a cartoon
[A freezer pings.]
Showtime! (hoarse) I'll pretend to be
dying of space plague.
[The freezer opens and Fry gasps.]
[The condensation clears and the woman inside the freezer wakes
[Bender looks at the photo inside Fry's wallet.]
Oh, my God!
[He steals some cash and hands the wallet back to Fry.]
Fry? Is it really you?
I don't know. Is it really you?
What do you mean you don't know? Are
you you or not?
Who wants to know?
Oh, Fry, it is you!
[She hugs him and they kiss. Bender makes scary ghostie noises.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Michelle are sat down.]
I don't get it, Michelle. The last time
I saw you, you were doing great. You
had just dumped me and you were well
on your way to getting you life back
on track. Why'd you freeze yourself?
Oh, Fry. After you left, things took
a turn for the worse. I got married.
[Flashback. At Michelle's wedding, her new husband slips a ring
onto her finger and they kiss.]
(voice-over) His name was Charles. He
attended a law school so prestigious,
the basketball team was coached by Ruth
Bader Ginsberg. I put him through law
school by working as a dog walker for
[Flashback. The scene moves to Charles's graduation.]
(voice-over) But soon after Charles
graduated, our marriage ran into difficulties.
[Charles throws his hat into the air and Michelle catches it
and sees him kissing another woman.]
[Flashback. Michelle walks the streets alone at night.]
(voice-over) Desperately depressed,
I turned to the one thing that could
lessen my pain: A carnival. Unfortunately,
a corn dog bone got lodged in the control
panel of the Spizzler, and I had to
ride it for eight hours.
(voice-over) But it did give me a chance
...and I remembered the last time I
was truly happy; When I was with you.
Aww. So you froze yourself to come look
No, I did it to get a fresh start. I
didn't know what had happened to you
- no one did. The police were going
to conduct a search but your parents
felt it was a waste of taxpayer money.
That's the same reason they kept me
out of school. So, no one even cared
that I was gone?
Not really. Except for one person.
[She puts her hand on his and they move closer.]
Who was it?
[New New York City Streets. Fry and Michelle fly a hover-scooter
over the city.]
Everything is so different.
Not everything. There's still a roach
[A giant roach flies beside them and Fry sprays it.]
[Museum Of Really Modern Art. The artwork is on the stomachs
of lots of fat men. Michelle and Fry look at a painting on Sal.]
Nowadays, people aren't interested in
art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
I'm on loan from the Louvre.
[Park. Fry and Michelle sit in a horse-drawn carriage. The cab
man whips the horse and a giant bug whips him. He screams and
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Outside the building, repair work
is being done. Inside, Leela and Bender meet with Farnsworth.]
Please, professor. Give us our jobs
back. We deserve another chance.
Yeah, and if you won't give me another
chance, perhaps you'd give one to......Og,
gorilla emperor of Earth!
[The ship lands in the hangar.]
I'm sorry, Og, but I've got a new crew.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Farnsworth leans over the railings
and Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg get off the ship.]
So, how was delivery to Fantasy Planet,
where everyone's fantasies come to life?
For one beautiful night, I knew what
it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated,
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender has the gorilla
mask under his arm and Farnsworth talks to it.]
You see, Og? Everything's running smoothly,
yes. And with Fry fired, I can finally
leave my jigsaw puzzles out without
him eating the pieces.
Forget about Fry. You can hire us back
and he'd never have to know.
Oh. Hey, Fry!
So, as Leela was saying, Fry can go
shove a big old - Ow!
[Leela clocks him with a phone.]
I'm glad you're all here. I wanted to
introduce you to my on-again-off-again
girlfriend of the past thousand years,
Michelle. Michelle, this is Leela.
This is Bender. The professor. Hermes
Nice to meet you.
And this is Dr. Zoidberg.
[Zoidberg screams and runs away.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and Hermes, Bender
and Farnsworth stand around him.]
Dating you ex, Fry? Have you lost all
This can only end badly, Fry. Kids,
a house -
A home invasion by a former roommate.
But things are different this time.
Before, she was demanding and possessive.
But now she wants me to do stuff and
stay with her all the time.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy and Michelle sit at the table.
Zoidberg, wearing a frilly apron, pours them some tea.]
There you go, dearies.
[He hums and leaves. Michelle trembles.]
It's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm
just having a hard time adjusting to
all the strange stuff here in the future.
I'm from Mars.
I feel so out of place here. I don't
understand why Fry fits in so well.
Probably because he didn't fit in back
in your time.
That's true. But I used to fit in really
Then good luck, sister.
[He screams and walks off. Michelle drops her cup and it smashes.
Seconds later it reassembles itself. She whimpers.]
[Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room.]
Don't take this the wrong way, Fry,
but your friends are a bunch of freaks.
Yeah, they're great, huh?
I just don't belong here. I don't know
anyone, I can't find a vanishing cream
that doesn't make me actually vanish.
I don't even have a job.
Oh, right. I was supposed to assign
you a job. Let me just get your career
chip installed. Hold out your palm.
What are you scared of? It's just like
getting your hand pierced.
[Michelle pushes the gun away.]
This world is horrible. Let's start
over, Fry. Well go someplace where all
we have is each other.
Ooh, romantic. I'll tell Bender to meet
It's not a "there". It's a "then".
Whoa, whoa, girl. I thought you were
talking about one of those motels where
the bed is shaped like stuff.
I love you. Don't you love me?
Well, sure. To the extent a man can
love a woman. But this seems like a
Fry, why must you analyse everything
with your relentless logic? Nothing
matters but our love.
You're right. Let's do this now and
let's never regret it.
[They climb into the freezer and kiss. They are frozen in a flash.]
[Apocalyptic Wasteland. The freezer stands alone in a vast desert.
The door opens and Fry and Michelle get out and look around.
The ruins of buildings burn and there are cracks in the ground.]
Michelle, I don't regret this. But I
both rue and lament it.
[Time Lapse. The pair walk the desert.]
The year 4000 is severely disappointing.
I miss the year 3000 when life was simple
and brains flew through space and everyone
It's not that bad. Fate brought us together
and now fate brought us here.
No, you brought us here.
Whine some more, Fry, I really find
that attractive in a man. Now come on,
build us a shelter.
Alright, fine. Everything else sucks.
At least we can have a nice place to
[Time Lapse. It is dark and Fry is covered in dirt.]
[He is standing in a hole.]
You expect me to live in a tiny little
It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on
[Time Lapse. The next morning, Fry and Michelle are woken up
by someone poking their faces with sticks.]
Oh, look. Some little kids.
They'll save us. We're saved!
[Kids' Den. Fry and Michelle are tied up in the middle of the
den, which is in the middle of some ruined buildings. One of
the kids sits on a chair, elevated by some oil drums.]
I'm Butch, leader of this place. I took
your hole and you can't do nothing about
Mighty sir, we have nowhere to go. Could
we please join your society?
Well, alright. But no interfering with
our grand works.
[Time Lapse. The kids smash an old couch to bits and fight. Butch
watches them and nods. Fry joins Michelle, who is lying on a
I tell you, that Butch runs a pretty
good civilisation. I think I'll enjoy
serving under him.
You know your problem, Fry? You're not
ambitious. You should be chief.
What do I need, ulcers?
But I want power. I'm tired of the chief's
girlfriend lording it over me with her
fancy coyote hide.
[They watch Butch's girlfriend stroking the hide.]
Alright, alright. If it'll make you
happy, I'll overthrow society.
[Time Lapse. Butch laughs.]
On what grounds do you challenge my
Well, I'm older than you. I can beat
[The kids nod.]
Yeah, I'll bet he could.
He's got arm hair.
Alright, grandpa. There's only one way
to settle this. Death rolling!
[The kids cheer.]
What's death rolling?
It's like skateboarding.
Except half the time, someone dies.
Oh, so it's a little safer than skateboarding.
[Ruined City. At the top of a ruined building, Fry stands on
a skateboard with wheels and Butch stands on a rocket-propelled
Last one holding the bandana's the new
[He takes his bandana off and Fry holds one end of it.]
My mother always said you were a loser,
Fry. Now get out there and prove her
(sadly) Beth said that?
(in Hebrew) One, two, three.
[Butch flies down the ramp, dragging Fry with him. They tug back
and forth on the bandana as they wind through the ruined streets.
Butch pulls Fry through a sewer pipe and Fry's hair makes sparks
on the side of it. They leave the sewer pipe and jump on a highway.
Two urban defence vehicles drive either side of them and start
shooting at each other. They flip over and Fry and Butch dodge
them. Fry rolls down the opposite lane, straight towards an oncoming
car. He lifts his skateboard onto the other side, missing the
car. Butch holds onto the bumper of a car and Fry grabs the bumper
of another one. He coughs as he gets exhaust in his face. The
cars split and Fry and Butch fly towards a lamppost. The bandana
wraps around it and their heads hit each other. The kids and
Michelle gather around.]
It's cool. Back off. (crying) My knee.
I scraped it.
Aww. Poor little guy. Let me just take
a look at - aha! I won! I'm the new
chief! I'm the tallest and I weigh the
[The kids takes their guns out.]
Hand it over, you giant idiot.
[An armoured car pulls up and honks its horn.]
Hey, Butch, your mom's here.
Come on, kids. You're late for Hebrew
[The kids groan and drop their guns.]
I don't wanna go.
Every Monday and Wednesday's the same
[They get into the car and drive away.]
I find this post-apocalyptic wasteland
very confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded
That's because you're a loser. You were
a loser in the year 2000 and you're
a loser in the year 4000.
Yeah, but in the year 3000, I had it
all. Several friends, a low-paying job,
a bed in a robot's closet. I envied
no man. But you wrecked everything.
Quit standing up for yourself, Fry.
When we get back to the hole, we are
going to have a long, boring talk about
Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this: (whispering)
I'm leaving you.
[He runs away.]
[Time Lapse. Fry walks alone through the misty desert.]
There must be people somewhere.
[He climbs a small hill and sees some lights in the distance.
He slips on some loose stones and bounces down the other side
of the hill.]
[Time Lapse. The mist is thicker. Fry falls to the ground. The
mist clears a little and something comes into view.]
Yes! Footprints! And hand prints? But?
[He stands up and sees Loew's Gaddafi's Chinese Theater in front
of him. He steps back. The Planet Express ship lands beside him,
crushing a floodlight. People scatter. Leela, Bender and Farnsworth
walk off the ship.]
Fry, thank God we found you.
Leela? What are you guys doing here
in the year 4000?
It's not the year 4000.
You were only frozen for two days. Uh,
by the way, I broke your bed.
You were in Pauly Shore's tube and they
were delivering it to his movie screening.
[He points to the sign on the theatre; "Jury Duty II: Trouble
On The Hubble Starring Dr. Paul Shore. 1000th Anniversary Gala!"]
But, when they noticed you weren't him,
they chucked you in a ditch.
So you're saying these aren't the decaying
ruins of New York in the year 4000?
You wish! You're in Los Angeles!
But there was this gang of 10-year olds
Exactly: You're in L.A.
But everyone is driving around in cars
shooting at each other.
That's L.A.. for you.
But the air's green and there's no sign
of civilisation whatsoever.
He just won't stop with the social commentary.
And the people are all phoneys. No one
reads. Everything has cilantro on it
- Michelle, baby!
It's not working out, Fry.
[The limo drives away. Pauly Shore pokes his head out of the
(shouting) Tis better to have loved
and lost, n'est ce-pas?
[Ship's Cockpit. Fry looks out of the window as the ship flies
back to New New York.]
That's it. I've had it with women. From
now on, I'm concentrating on my career.
Can I have my old job back?
Why, I've forgotten why I even fired
'Cause he destroyed your business, your
home and all your possessions.
Oh, that's right. Get lost.
[He pulls a lever and the floor opens up beneath Fry. He falls
out of the ship and screams.]