"THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STUPID"
Jeff Westbrook & David X. Cohen
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: 80% Entertainment By Volume.]
[A planet, Tweenis 12 hangs in the void of space. Glowing cracks
start to appear on the surface. There are several explosions
and the planet explodes, the shockwave and debris flying out
in all directions. A group of glowing, flying brains fly away
from what is left of the planet. A caption tells us Tweenis 12
was one day's brain flight from Earth.]
[Madison Cube Garden. The Planet Express staff are at a pet show.
There are stalls selling cream, Soylent Chow, Kibbles 'n' Snouts
and flea collars for giant fleas. Leela carries Nibbler and a
big purple bag over her shoulder.]
Is Nibbler stoked for the big pet show?
He ought to be with all the strict training
I've been putting him through. Nibbler:
Roll over and you get a ham. Roll over.
Roll over for the ham. You are so adorable!
Who wants a ham?
[He takes it and swallows it whole. Farnsworth reads a pamphlet.]
Zooka barooka! First prize is $500 and
a year's supply of dog food!
"$500", you say?
"Dog food", you say?
[He licks his tendrils.]
[Time Lapse. The sheep herding trial has begun. A collie herds
four sheep into a pen and the staff watch from the bleachers.]
Man, that's dog's gonna be hard to beat.
Look at him bring in the sheep! One
sheep, two sheep......three sheep.
[He falls asleep on Farnsworth's shoulder. Farnsworth carries
on eating his popcorn.]
The dog's good, but our real competition
is the Hypno-Toad. Your turn, Nibbler,
honey. Herd those sheep!
[Nibbler scurries towards the bleating sheep and the crew eagerly
Come on, Nibbler!
[They cringe as Nibbler eats the sheep. He coughs up the bells.]
Ma'am, I have a late entry. My hard-shelled
wooping terrier, Mr. Zoidberg.
[He whips Zoidberg and he woops. He whips him again and Zoidberg
woops and waves his claws in the air.]
[Time Lapse. The crowds cheer for Zoidberg and Bender. Zoidberg
scurries through a tunnel with Bender whipping him as he goes.]
[Zoidberg woops. He comes out of the tunnel, jumps on to a balance
beam and somersaults across it. Bender hits him again.]
Suck in that gut! You wanna be spayed?
[Time Lapse. Zoidberg stands on a table and a judge inspects
him. He looks in his mouth and then tickles his arm. Zoidberg
Silence, you cur! Puff out that brisket!
[Time Lapse. Zoidberg does a Spanish flamenco for the judges
in the talnt competition and Bender watches from ringside.]
I should be weeping! I'm not weeping!
[He chases Zoidberg and the judges look at each other and shrug.]
[Time Lapse. Fry, Amy and Farnsworth wander around the rest of
the arena and pass Glab with a unicorn-cat. Fry sees what looks
like an invisible-dog-leash and laughs.]
I love these things!
[It's a real invisible dog and it bites Fry's ankle. He screams.
Nibbler is being inspected by the judge.]
Shake paws, Nibbler. Come on, shake.
He might be a little hungry. Shake,
boy. Usually he's had more ham by now.
[Nibbler chirps and sees a kid with a pig-shaped balloon. He
licks his lips and jumps onto the balloon, biting into it. It
bursts and flies towards the ceiling. Nibbler falls from it and
lands in a bowl of cream. The cream splashes over people and
cats jump on them, making the people scream.]
[Time Lapse. The awards ceremony begins.]
Third prize, a party-sized keg of guinea
pigs, goes to Dave Spiegel and his owner,
Fluffers. Second prize, this lovely
afghan made from an Afghan, goes to
Bender and his wooping terrier.
Second place? That's a fancy word for
losing. You didn't stick your landing!
Forgive me, my friend.
[He whips him again.]
And before we announce the winner we
have a special award for a first-time
contestant: Miss Leela and her mystery
[Leela gasps. The crowd applauds.]
Me? Award? Him? Me? Good?
That's just the kind of eloquence you'd
expect from the owner of Dumbest Pet
in Show. And the grand prize winner......the
Hypno-Toad. All glory to the Hypno-Toad.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Most of the staff are sat around
the conference table. Nibbler is asleep in Leela's arms. She
Maybe they're right. Maybe Nibbler is
Don't listen to them, Leela. People
said I was dumb, but I proved them.
Good news, everyone. We were supposed
to make a delivery to the planet Tweenis
12 but it's been completely destroyed.
Why is that good news?
They paid in advance.
[Comic twang. Bender bangs his chest.]
This is mighty strange. First, the
civilisation Space Rome collapsed, then
Don Martin 3 went caflooie and now Tweenis
[The three holographic planets are replaced with red X's.]
Looks like this planet is next in line.
That's Earth. The planet we live on.
I'd hate to be those guys.
[Nibbler starts sniffing. He jumps off Leela's lap and starts
What's got into him? He's twitching
like Zoidberg when someone mentions
the word "food".
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Nibbler jumps out of a window.]
(shouting) No! Nibbler, come back!
[Alley. Night has fallen. Leela enters the alley carrying another
Too bad Nibbler's not around. I guess
I'll have to eat this raw, dripping
ham by myself. Nibbler? Nibbler, you're
scaring me. Nibbler?! Am I going crazy?
Have my years of wild hedonism finally
caught up with me? Nibbler, help! Don't
leave me here. Uh, Nibbler? Could you
scooch the seat up just a little bit?
[The next morning, the brains fly over New New York, turning
buildings a glowing blue with some weird rays. Seven brains converge
on the Planet Express building and turn it blue.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits on the couch mumbling
and the room glows blue around him. Enter Fry.]
Leela back yet?
Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating!
You don't have a heart; you're a robot.
Sure...right. Robot! Oh, Fry! My skin's
all dry and clanky.
Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal.
Am I a robot?
Bender, if this is some kind of scam,
I don't get it. You already have my
power of attorney.
[He walks off towards the meeting room.]
Fry! My skin!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth has his head between
the balls of a Newton's Cradle.]
Ow. Ow. Ow. I'm a genius. Ow. Ow.
[Fry leaves without saying anything.]
[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg is crouched on the
examination table. He sticks one of his tendrils out and trys
to clack it with is claw. Enter Fry.]
Dr. Zoidberg? Why is everyone acting
Zoidy want balloon! Want balloon now!
Zoidy want go outside!
(angry) I just let you back in!
[Nibbler's Ship. The ship flies through the vacuum of space.
The ship is so small that Leela is squashed into the back. The
whole top section is a transparent dome. Part of Leela's ponytail
is caught in it and it blows in the wind outside.]
This is unbelievable. I thought you
were a furry little moron. But here
you are flying an adorable spaceship.
If only you could talk. Wait! I understood
that! You say you're transmitting your
thoughts directly to my brain. You
say those awful flying brains are making
everyone on Earth stupid? Oh, stupider.
And you go on to say that we're headed
for your home planet where your race
has lived since the beginning of the
universe? So, how did the universe
begin? Then the meaning of existence...?
So every religion is wrong!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes stands in the emergency
chemical burn shoulder with his mouth wide open, letting the
water run into it. The door is open and there is a puddle of
water on the floor. Fry closes his mouth and pushes his head
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender, Zoidberg, Amy and Farnsworth
stare open-mouthed at the TV. The TV that isn't on. Fry sits
on the couch and turns it on. Morbo spins around in his chair
and Linda watches. He falls off and she laughs.]
You fell! Hi! Today, some bad things
happened. One bad things was a train
got crashed in New Jersey. Wanna see?
People won't be late for work though,
because the governer lady says, (deeper
voice) "I'm sending in more trains!"
[A train crashes into the wreckage and commuters run onto it.]
Wait for me! Wait for me!
[The picture returns to the studio.]
Morbo can't understand his TelePrompTer.
He forgot how you say that letter that
looks like a man with a hat.
It's a "T". It goes "tuh".
Hello, little man. I will destroy you!
[Fry turns the TV off.]
Man, even the news monster is acting
strange. What are we gonna do?
Duh, I know! Let's play the lottery!
No. Let's buy internet stock!
On margin! Zoidy wanna buy on margin!
[Hermes is wrapped in a towel on the other side of the room and
holds a piece of wood in front of his face.]
Look at me! I'm invisible!
Wait a minute! I know what's going on
here. You've all become idiots!
Hey, let's all join the Reform Party!
[They run out.]
[Nibbler's ship flies towards a planet called Planet Eternium
which lies at the exact centre of the universe. The continents
are shaped like love hearts. It lands outside a building called
the Hall of Forever, ten miles west of the exact centre of the
universe. The main part of the building is a dome with an eyestalk
on top of it. Either side of the dome are two "Rosetta Stone"
obelisks with both alien languages carved onto them.]
[Hall of Forever. Nine of Nibbler's race sit on raised chairs
in a dark chamber. Enter Nibbler and Leela.]
Welcome back, Lord Nibbler, Ambassador
to Earth, homeworld of the pizza bagel.
[Nibbler speaks plain English with a deep voice.]
Thank you. I bear many receipts for
The four welcomes of friendship to you
as well, Leela. We shall manipulate
your mind so we appear to be speaking
your language. Do not be afraid, my
[She pulls the hood of her robe off her head. Her eyestalk has
a little orange bow tied around it.]
I'm not afraid.
Uh, good. Good.
So, your real name is Lord Nibbler?
That's a coincidence.
That name is for your sake. In the time
it would take to pronounce one letter
of my true name a trillion cosmoses
would flair into existence and sink
into eternal night.
[Leela laughs and pinches Nibbler's cheek.]
Oh, you're all so cute!
No, we are not. We Nibblonians are
an ancient and powerful race. Behold.
When the universe was forged in the
crucible of the big bang, our mighty
race was already 17 years old.
[Fiona growls. The hologram changes and shows a rocky planet
with a lightning storm overhead.]
For the first millisecond of time, things
were OK. But then there arose a terrible
enemy: The Brain Spawn. Ever since,
we have waged unceasing war against
these dreadful --
[A Nibblonian chef opens a door into the chamber.]
Lunch is ready.
Then let the feast of a thousand hams
[Cut to: Outside Hall of Forever. Chewing and eating noises come
from inside and the Nibblonians burp.]
[Cut to: Hall of Forever. Leela is sat on the floor tickling
Ken and Fiona like cats.]
So why are these Brain Spawn attacking
[Above Nibbler is a hologram of the Brain Spawn flying around
New New York.]
The Brain Spawn hate all consciousness.
The thoughts of others screech at them
like the forced laughs of a billion
art house movie patrons.
Thus, they travel from world to world
making everyone stupid in order to wipe
out all thought in the universe.
Wipe out all thought? My God! They're
like flying televisions.
And even we are powerless to stop them,
fearsome though we are.
There is but one being that can resist
them. A child of destiny whose bizzare
brain wave pattern makes him immune
to the Brain Spawn attack. He is the
hope of the universe. The fate of your
world - perhaps all worlds - rests in
his special mind.
Now, when you say "special"...
[Planet Express Balcony. Fry stands on the balcony looking at
the carnage. Buildings burn in the distance, ships fall from
the sky and cars crash in the street. A man crashes his car into
a lamppost, opens the dome and slumps over dead. Fry picks up
a bullhorn and talks into the wrong end.]
Attention New New Yorkers. Stop acting
[A bird lands on the other end and squawks into it. Fry screams
and falls over.]
[Nibblonian Ship. The large circular ship orbits the Earth and
is flanked by lots of smaller ships.]
Nibblonian fleet holding at perimeter
of moron zone, formerly known as "Earth".
[The command centre of the ship looks like the Enterprise bridge
from Star Trek, albeit a lot more pink. Ken, Fiona and Nibbler
all sit on one big love-heart-shaped chair in the middle of the
Why would Fry be immune to the flying
brains? Because he doesn't shower?
The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence
by attacking the delta brain wave. Every
animal and robot in the universe generates
this wave, as do certain trees.
Fry, however, does not.
Somehow he has cobbled together a random
assortment of other brainwaves into
a working mind.
Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants.
Yes, like your prom dress.
The Brain Spawn are commanded by a giant
evil brain with a gooey centre of pure
Only Fry, with is superior, yet inferior
mind, can approach him. You must tell
him to disable it. We will do the rest.
You can count on me.
No we can't. Once on Earth, you will
be too stupid to remember the message.
That's why we wrote it down for you.
[He pins the note to the front of Leela's top.]
We've also prepared a bag lunch and
[Planet Express: Attic. Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy and Farnsworth
are lined up on the couch and Bender stands nearby. In front
of them, Fry has set up a classroom situation. He has written
"Fry's Dumb School" on a blackboard and there is a cardboard
box in front of it.]
Time to re-educate you duncebags. We'll
start with US presidents. This is our
first president, George Washington.
Let's review. Who was our first president?
A pickle jar?
[There is a screeching sound from outside. Leela crashes through
the window in Nibbler's ship. It glides to a halt and she steps
out of the smoking wreckage.]
Leela! I've been so worried. Are you
I...have to tell...must...important...something...
Whoa, whoa! Slow down. You're going
a mile a minute.
[Leela sees the note on her top, takes it off and hands it to
This! You for this!
[He blows hit nose on it, screws it up and throws it in the fire.]
No! Ow! Fire hot.
The professy will help! Fire indeed
[Fry looks around and tips the water from Chest A. Arthur's jar
over the professor's arm. Arthur's head falls out too and lands
on the floor.]
Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.
Brain. Brain make people dumb.
No, Leela. Brain make people smart.
[He taps his head. Behind him, two Brain Spawn appear in the
broken window. Leela growls and turns him around. He sees the
brains and screams.]
You go fight biggest brain of all.
Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where
Hm. A giant brain is basically a giant
nerd. And where would a giant nerd be?
[Outside New New York Public Library. Fry and Leela run up the
steps and two Brain Spawn fly in and block their path. Fry forces
them out of the way.]
[New New York Public Library Corridors. Fry and Leela run past
a librarian trying to push a book onto a bookshelf sideways.
They run past Reference Books, Books on Tapeworm and Stephen
King: A - Aardvark. They come to a stop outside Ancient Literature.
From behind the door there comes a purple glow. Fry pushes the
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. A huge
brain hovers over a table reading books.]
Pathetic human race. Arranging their
knowledge by category just made it easier
to absorb. Dewey, you fool: Your decimal
system has played right into my hands!
What do you want?
I'm here to kick your ass.
Wishful thinking. We have long since
evolved beyond the need for asses.
Odd. My stupefaction field is having
no effect on your ability to think.
That's right. And I think you'll find
that a little knowledge is a dangerous
thing! OK, better think of a new plan.
Come on, Fry, think! Thinking...thinking...
[There is a buzzing sound and the brain shivers.]
Oh! Stop that!
Hey! Thinking hurts him. Maybe I can
think of a way to use that. Aha! Prepare
to be thought at. Leela, give me a topic.
Seriously, I can't think of anything.
Gotta find something to make me think.
(reading) Hardy Boys. (talking) Too
easy. (reading) Nancy Drew. (talking)
Too hard. Aha! Perfect! Bonfire of the
[He reads it and the buzzing returns. The brain sinks into the
corner of the room.]
No! It's unbearable!
[Cut to: Outside New New York Public Library. The Brain Spawn
outside drop like flies.]
[Cut to: Nibblonian Ship. The Nibblonians watch this on a screen.]
The brains are weakening. Nibblonians
to Nibble stations. Prepare cuddle bug
for deployment in 40 nibblets.
Sometimes I fear we are cute.
[New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. The Big Brains
purple glow has turned green. It groans as Fry carries on reading.]
Take that! And that! This sentence I
don't understand but take this one!
You have not won yet. Each book in
this room is a gateway to a mental realm
and I shall take you there and imprison
[It envelopes a book and Fry and Leela.]
[Cut to: Herman Melville's Moby Dick. Leela and Fry are on a
dinghy in the middle of the ocean.]
Where are we?
[They look around and see Captain Ahab and Queequeg on the boat
A gold doubloon to the man who first
spies the white whale.
[The Big Brain rams the side of the boat from the water.]
Big whale over there.
I saw it first!
[He pockets the gold and gives a shifty look. Fry is about to
harpoon the brain when Queequeg grabs his arm.]
Wait! That no white whale. It grey,
Queequeg, let go of me! I have to kill
Farewell! You will all be trapped in
this dense, symbolist tome forever!
Follow him! It's our only way out!
[He dives in, followed by Ahab, Queequeg and Leela.]
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Fry
and Leela struggle in the purple glow. The Brain picks up another
[Cut to: Mark Twain's The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer. Tom Sawyer
is painting the fence and the characters from Moby Dick are with
Fry and Leela.]
Excuse me, have you seen a giant brain?
Yep. I let him help me whitewash Aunt
[He pushes open the gate, revealing the Brain wearing a straw
hate and painting the fence.]
Tom Sawyer, you tricked me. This is
less fun than previously indicated.
Let this corny slice of Americana be
your tomb for all eternity.
(shouting) Come on!
[They chase the Brain.]
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. The
Brain picks up another book.]
[Cut to: Jane Austen's Pride And Prejudice. Fry is at a staely
Mr. Fry, Mama tells us you're quite
the oddity; a bachelor at your age.
Tou think I'm an oddity? Wait'l you
[A door opens.]
Presenting the most eligible landowner
in all Hertfordshire, Mr. Brainly.
[Enter the smartly-dressed Brain.]
I'm a gigantic brain!
[There is general murmuring from the people.]
Mr. Brainly, what news have you of the
[Fry grabs Tom Sawyer's bucket.]
Hey, Brain-y, think fast!
[He throws the whitewash at it.]
I always think fast.
[The whitewash hits it and it screams.]
The whale! He be white now!
[He and Queequeg throw harpoons at it and it screams. Ahab breaks
off his wooden leg and hits the Brain with it.]
Leela, I've got an idea. Stay here with
[He jumps out of the window. Leela looks at Queequeg and twiddles
Is there Mrs. Queequeg?
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Fry
pushes and sturggles and breaks free of the Brain's glow.]
Yes! I'm free! Alright, Brain. Get
ready for some electroshock treatment!
[He smashes the bulbs and swings on the light towards the Brain.
He misses it by a mile and slams into a bookcase on the other
side of the room. He falls to the floor and it falls on him,
crushing him. Leela is freed from the purple glow. She sees Fry
choking and screams.]
Fry, don't die! Wake up! (screaming)
[The Brain laughs. The bookcase and Fry's dead body fade away.
Leela is kneeling in the middle of the room. The Brain is still
laugh. She looks around and hears Fry's voice. He is writing.]
Leela cried for her lost love as Fry
lay dead under the heavy bookcase. The
Big Brain laughed in triumph......Then,
for no reason, he left Earth forever.
The end. There! Now he's trapped in
a book I wrote: A crummy world of plot
holes and spelling errors.
The Big Brain am winning again. I am
the greetest! Now I am leaving Earth
for no rason!
[It squeezes through the window.]
[Cut to: Outside New New York Public Library. The Nibblonians
watch and cheer.]
The Big Brain is defeated. Let what
must be done be done.
[The Nibblonian soldiers eat the other brains that have fallen.]
[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Leela
shakes her head as her intelligence returns.]
Me...feel...a bit better in cognitive
I did it! And it's all thanks to the
books at my local library.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The rest of the staff sleep as
Hermes points to a chart showing the increase in employee sleep
(voice-over) And so life returned to
normal. Or as normal as it gets on this
primative dirtball inhabited by psychotic
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry reads "Fry Tricks The Brain" to
Farnsworth who dismisses it.]
(voice-over) ...Thanks to the effect
of the brain rays, the people of Earth
had no memory of what had transpired,
except Fry. And no one believed him
or cared what he had to say...
[Leela's Quarters. Leela lies on her bed stroking Nibbler, who
is back in his cape.]
(voice-over) ...I, meanwhile, returned
to my post, ever vigilant, lest Earth
again come under Brain attack. And when
that day comes, God help us. God help
[Leela picks him up.]
Time for a diapee change!
(voice-over) End transmission.