"THE DEEP SOUTH"
J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: A Stern Warning of Things to Come.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Nibbler sits on Leela's lap and she
picks tufts out of his fur. Bender does the same to Fry. Enter
Exciting news, people! The pet licence
I requsitioned for Nibbler has arrived.
Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know
you cared about Nibbler.
Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the
little bastard in a sack and toss the
sack in a river and hurl the river into
space. But I do like filling out requisitions
and these were some doozies! Great
Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up.
This isn't a pet licence, it's a fishing
licence. And it's mandatory!
[The Planet Express ship takes off and heads out to sea. It stops
a short while later and the cargo bay lift comes down with Bender,
Fry and Farnsworth standing on it.]
Ah! The exact centre of the Atlantic
Ocean. This seems the logical place
for fish to congregate.
So we're in international waters?
[Bender whips out a radio and talks into it.]
Falcon, this is Blue Raven, the goose
has nested. Repeat, the goose has nested.
Hey, guess what you're accessories
[Time Lapse. On the roof of the ship, the crew pull out their
fishing equipment from the gun turret.]
The sun, the sea air, good friends.
Leela's right, fishing blows. Whattya
say we make it interesting?
Everybody kick in five bucks. There,
wasn't that interesting?
This contest is as good as over. I once
caught a fish this big.
[He stretches out his arms.]
Oh, yeah? I once caught a fish this
[He extends his arms the length of the ship. Leela opens a case.]
I'm afraid you're both out of your league,
boys, 'cause you're looking at a woman
who owns her own harpoon.
[She twists the top of the harpoon onto the bottom.]
Harpoon, my ass!
[And she does. He screams in pain and jumps into the water. Hermes
looks at five buckets.]
Let's see now, which bait to use? Crickets?
Squid? Chicken necks?
Excuse me, if I might be so bold, I'm
willing to offer my services as a bait
critic. These sardines for example
are bland and tasteless. And these
dry, stringy nightcrawlers, though juicy
... ... very very juicy--
[He sticks his head in the bucket and gobbles the bait.]
I don't believe this! It's eating my
bait! Beat it, you mooching crawdad!
[Zoidberg runs away and woops. Bender presses a button on his
Hey, Fry, check out my laser-guided
(whispering) Quiet, Bender, you're scaring
away the fish.
Fine. I'll head over to the other side.
(shouting) Good luck fishing on this
[He walks away and Fry casts his line and chuckles.]
I can hit a fish between the eyes from
Oh, yeah? I can hit a shrimp!
A shrimp? I find it a bit hard to believe
[Bender's line hits Fry between the eyes and knocks him over.
Leela spins her harpoon around and sees something in the water.]
Aha! Gather round, chumps! I got the
[An old boot comes out of the water on the end of the harpoon.
Oh, so this is where you shop for your
[Fry reels in a little fish.]
Couple more of those and you'll have
yourself a fish stick!
Hey, a fish this fine belongs in a fish
nugget-style chunklet. And anyway, it's
bigger than anything you've caught.
Ow! My small intestine!
[Leela tries again with the harpoon.]
Bingo! Whatever it is, it's 20 times
heavier than a boot.
[She pulls out a crate marked "Boots 10 Pair" and sighs.]
You'll never catch anything with that
primitive technology. What you need
is this fish pheromone. The most potent
aphrodisiac known to fishkind. Uh-oh!
[Several fish leap up to his head. He screams and knocks them
off. Zoidberg comes up behind him and sniffs him.]
(sexfully) I'm so into you!
[He wraps his mouth flaps around Farnsworth's head and slurps.]
[Fry reels in his line. There is big fish attached to it.]
(shouting) Hey, Bender, I just caught
a fish this big!
Quit exaggerating, Fry. Ah, screw this!
If I'm not gonna catch a fish, I might
as well not catch a big fish. There.
Like most of life's problems this one
can be solved with bending.
[He ties the ships tether line to the hook.]
Bender, be careful. That's the ships
diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable.
Then why do I have to be careful?
It belonged to my grandmother.
[Bender takes some food from Hermes' hands, attaches it to his
hook and throws it into the sea.]
[Time Lapse. Dusk approaches. Fry is asleep in a chair with his
rod next to him, Amy is asleep, Hermes is asleep with sign hanging
around him saying he will be awake at 7pm. Bender snoozes, his
door opening and closing. Leela casts her harpoon again.]
Wake up, everyone! I've got something.
And this time it's alive! Dr. Zoidberg,
since when do you even wear boots?
I wasn't wearing it. (ashamed) I was
[Leela sighs and lets go of the rope.]
Come on, let's go home.
[Amy wakes up and screams.]
Sunburn! My fabulous body! It's ruined!
What happened to my parasol?
I don't know. It wasn't here when I
took your umbrella. What? I put sunblock
Well it didn't work!
[She turns around and stomps off. On her back Bender has spelled
out "Honk If Bender Is Great" in sunblock. He giggles.]
Come on, Bender. Pull in your line and
[Bender tries to pull in the line.]
Hey, I'm snagged.
[The line starts to whirr away.]
It's not snagged, the mechano man has
caught something! Sweet Zombie Jesus!
It's coming up!
[A huge fish leaps up from the water and over the top of the
ship. The staff gasp.]
Oh, that's big!
A colossal-mouth bass!
[The bass heads back under the water and the tether starts winding
[The ship shakes and tilts forward.]
It's pulling us under! Everyone into
Wait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable
diamond filament! Well, at least I'll
die with my friends. Hello?
[The others shut the turret door behind them and the water line
creeps towards Zoidberg. He climbs in and shuts it behind him.
The ship lurches forward and disappears under the water and the
staff scream. Something floats to the surface.]
(from ship) My Speedos!
[Ships Cockpit. The room is glowing red and a klaxon beeps. Leela
watches the depth gauge.]
Depth at 45 hundred feet, 48 hundred,
50 hundred! 5000 feet!
Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres
How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?
Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere
between zero and one.
[The ships hull creaks around them.]
What's that? Is someone bending girders?
[More creaking. The depth gauge reaches 6000ft and breaks. Farnsworth's
glasses break and so do Bender's eyes. He screws some new ones
We'll be crushed if we don't equalise
How do we do that?
[Pipes burst around the room and the water floods in.]
That should do it.
[The water gets higher.]
We're all gonna die!
Wait, I'll be back in a minute.
[He takes off his jacket and swims under the water. A toilet
flushes and the water level drops. The staff cheer and Fry walks
back in, zipping up his shorts.]
You did it, Fry!
[The ship hits some rocks and everyone is thrown across the room,
screaming. The ship comes to a rest on the ocean floor. Bender
looks out the window.]
People, it's far far worse than we thought;
My fish got away.
[Ship Corridor. Bender fixes the electricity and the lights come
back on, Leela mops the floor and Fry tapes up a crack in the
There, good as new! Except we're three
miles below the surface, we don't have
any food and the ship won't work underwater.
(restrained) Tempers are wearing thin.
Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill
The important thing is that we don't
panic. There are rules for situations
like this. Now, the first order of
business is lunch. I suggest a nice
lobster Zoidberg, I mean lobster Newburg,
I mean Doctor Zoidberg.
OK, everyone, calm down. The Professor
and I will get to work on the ship.
Bender, Zoidberg, since you can survive
underwater, you'll go out and look for
I'd better go too. They don't know what
[He opens the airlock.]
Fry, no! The pressure will crush you
like a green snake under a sugarcane
Not necessarily. This is chance for
Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure
[He pulls out a huge black pill.]
I can't swallow that.
Well then good news! It's a suppository.
[Seabed. Fry, Bender and Zoidberg walks across the ocean floor.
Fry holds a bag of air. Zoidberg picks up a fish and puts it
Bender's chest cabinet.]
How are you doing there, Fry? Glad
to hear it. Aha!
[He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet. Bender sees an electric
eel and grabs it. It shocks him.]
[Zoidberg sees a little glowing thing.]
Yum, yum, yum! Uh-oh! Look at me,
I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!
[Time Lapse. The trio search for food next to a sunken wreck.
Fry lifts a skull and crossbones flag.]
Careful, Fry, I think that flag might
[Bender emerges from the boat wearing a pirate hat and an eyepatch
and carrying some bottles.]
Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty
grub. Arr! The laws o' science be a
Say, robot, old buddy? Could you help
me move a couch?
Uh, OK, but I'm not carrying it upstairs.
[He climbs into the shell leaving Fry alone. Some seaweed parts,
revealing a mermaid. She laughs and swims away and Fry blubbers.
Zoidberg and Bender emerge from the shell.]
What is it, Fry?
You want some lemonade? You saw a big
Your student loans have been repaid?
Then how 'bout lending your old pal
Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr Millionaire!
[Ships Mess. The crew are eating. Fry is still blubberling.]
Fry, swallow your food. Then talk.
You think you saw a mermaid?
No, I did see a mermaid! She was wearing
a tube top and she had a beautiful scaley
tail. And I think she had hair extensions.
Sure she did.
You're simply hallucinating, you ...
What's so far-fetched about mermaids?
I mean, there's all sorts of weird sea
creatures here in the future. Like Dr.
[He through the window at Zoidberg. He is wearing a sunhat and
has built a window box on his shell and is landscaping a garden.
He turns around and waves.]
I'm afraid Fry is suffering from ocean
Every time something good happens to
me you say it's some kind of madness,
or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy.
Well I saw a real mermaid and I wish
for once my friends would have decency
and kindness to believe me.
(whispering) Ocean madness.
[Fry storms out.]
He may have ocean madness but that's
no excuse for ocean rudeness.
[Fry's And Bender's Quarters. Fry lies awake while Bender snores.]
(muttering) Ocean madness, yeah right.
It's always something, ain't it? (talking)
It's her! Bender, wake up! She's here!
Wake up! Oh! oxygen!
[He picks up a suitcase.]
[Cut to: Seabed. Fry steps outside the airlock and closes the
door behind him. His suitcase floats away and he screams. The
mermaid puts something in his mouth.]
Here you go, darlin'.
Hey! I can breath and talk, just like
Oh, you speak fish?
[She says something in fish.]
I'm sorry, my accent's atrocious. Hi,
my name's Umbriel!
I'm Fry. So, uh, am I gonna drown?
Course not. Just stay calm and let the
currents relax your every muscle.
Did it just get warmer?
I can't believe you're really real.
I like your tail.
Oh, you're sweet. I like those wiggly
doo-dads comin' outta your hips.
Oh, Thanks. They're called pants.
[Time Lapse. Fry and Umbriel sit next to a glowing vent.]
This here's a volcanic vent. The water
comes out at over 4000 degrees.
Did it just get colder? Tell me more
about that bizarre land-y world you
come from. Is there water there too?
Sure, sometimes it falls from the sky.
And sometimes it doesn't.
Oh, Mr. Fry! You do go on!
You know what I like best about you,
Umbriel? You find me fascinating even
when I'm not claiming to be a jewel
thief or a lion tamer.
Lions? There are sealions on the land?
Yup. We call them land-sealions ...
I tame them!
[Montage: Fry and Umbriel date to Donovan's Atlantis. They watch
a squid and whale fight, swim on the back of a flat fish and
Fry spells out words to Umbriel with glowing fish. They look
into each other's eyes and kiss.]
[Ships Galley. Bender reads The Atlantic Monthly while Leela,
Amy and Hermes are gathered around something. Enter Farnsworth.]
I'm almost finish reconfiguring the
ships propulsion system. We can leave
as soon as the paper-mâché is dry.
I didn't kill him. Professor?
No, I've been busy.
He must've gone out looking for that
mermaid. The poor demented honky.
It's ocean madness alright. Sailors
call it aqua dementia, the deep down
crazies, the wet willies, the screaming
[As she speaks the crew leave. Bender slams the door behind him.]
[Cut to: Ship Corridor. Leela joins the rest of them. Farnsworth
opens the door to the airlock.]
We'll form a search party. Now, we'll
I got it covered. In the event of an
emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
Ooh, that reminds me: You've all taken
your pressure pills, right?
Yes! Stop asking!
[Seabed. The crew stand outside the ship wearing their oxygen
masks. Zoidberg sniffs around like a dog.]
I've got his scent! Over here where
the water gets warmer. This way!
[The staff follow him across the seabed. They peek over a mound
and gasp. Ahead of them is a city.]
(awestruck) Bend me!
[Amy says something in Chinese.]
Dude! An ancient sunken city!
[The crew look at a partly-obscured sign that reads "City Of
Could it possibly be? Are the old legends
true? It is! It's the fabled lost city
[City Of Atlanta. The crew are greated by another merman.]
Welcome to Atlanta. Folks round these
parts call me the Colonel. Here, have
some breathers, courtesy of our Chamber
[He hands them the same breathing gear Umbriel gave Fry earlier.
They put them in.]
This is uncomfortable and humiliating.
Now, if they could put it in the form
of a suppository.
Y'all enjoy your stay! Tourism's our
main source of income round here so
see the sights, spend some money. Please
[Fry and Umbriel come out of Krispy Kreme.]
Fry! Oh, I just knew you were still
alive! (whispering) I owe you 10 bucks,
Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing
happened. It's two-for-one Tuesday at
Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids.
Nice out of town folks, I'd like you
to meet my daughter, Umbriel. Umbriel,
these are some Yankees.
[Time Lapse. The staff, Umbriel and the Colonel wander around
So, Fry, Atlanta was an American city
in your time?
I think it was just an airport. They
had a place where you could buy nuts.
No! Ancient Atlanta was more than just
a Delta hub. It was a vibrant metropolis,
the equal of Paris or New York.
That's right, honey! Whatever you say.
Look at these fabulous ruins. Turner
Field, the Coca-Cola bottling plant,
the, uh, the airport.
But tell us: How could a city with such
a ... fabulous airport, end up underwater?
Ah, now that's a story that can only
rightly be told in a Chamber of Commerce
video narrated by folk-rock trubadour
[He presses a button and Donovan appears on the screen and strums
the tune to Atlantis with slightly different lyrics.]
Atlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds
of miles from the area we now call the
Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism that they moved
offshore, becoming an island and an even bigger Delta hub,
[On the screen, helicopters lift the city and land it in the
ocean. The scene changes to years later. The island is packed
Until the city over-developed and it started to sink,
Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away,
Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the guy who invented
Coca-Cola, the magician and the other so-called gods of our legends,
Though gods they were -- and also Jane Fonda was there.
[A boat with the people on pulls away and the city sinks.]
The others chose to remain behind on their porches with their
rifles, and one day evolve into mermaids, and sing and dance
and ring in the new.
[The video ends.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wouldn't it take millions
of years to evolve into mermaids?
Normally, yes, but the caffine really
sped things up. That stuff's wonderful.
[Colonel's House. The staff are seated around a dining table
with the Colonel and Umbriel.]
So when Umbriel first brought home this
carpet bagger, I was again' it. But,
damnit, if old legs here ain't grown
[He pats Fry on the back.]
Aw, shucks, Colonel.
[He spits tobacco and the spitoon dings.]
Well, it's all very nice here but we
should be going. I miss me wife and
Yes, we all miss our loved ones and
gases. Come on, Fry.
Wait. I'm not going with you.
But, Fry, what about us? What about
your life on the surface? You don't
belong down here.
She's right, I mean sure they got the
Braves but it's a third-rate symphony.
Fry, you half-mad, half-insane maniac,
be reasonable. Don't you realise that
if you stay at this depth your body
will permanently adapt to the pressure?
Realise it? I don't even understand
It means you'll never be able to return
to the surface.
I don't care. I'm staying. I've got
everything I want right here.
[He hugs Umbriel.]
(shouting) I'm bored! Let's go!
[Outside Colonel's House. On the porch Fry shakes hands with
his old friends as they leave.]
You know, Fry, I've got a little place
just outside town. You could come visit,
[Fry looks at the Colonel who shakes his head.]
Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join
the country club.
[Bender hugs Fry.]
(crying) Oh, Fry! I'll miss you!
[He leaves and the Colonel waves.]
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
(shouting) Let's go, damnit! Let's go!
[Ships Airlock. Farnsworth opens the door and the crew walk in.
Zoidberg stops outside.]
Well, I guess this is goodbye for me
[Cut to: Seabed. Zoidberg turns away sadly and the door closes
behind him. He screams. His shell is a burned ruin.]
No! My home! It burned down! (crying)
How did this happen?
That's a very good question.
[Bender picks something up.]
So that's where I left my cigar.
[He smokes it.]
That just raises further questions!
[Umbriel's Bedroom. Fry and Umbriel sit on her bed.]
You know, Umbriel, these last 24 hours
have been the happiest days of my life.
Oh, Fry! I want you to make a mer-woman
[She gets under the sheet and her top floats away.]
Mercy! I do believe I'm gettin' the
[He tears his clothes off and dives under the sheets. He and
Umbriel kiss and her tail flaps around.]
What the hell is that?
Yeah I'm a little confused too. How
do I ... y'know ... with the tail and
I'm not your first am I? I mean, I-I
lay my eggs and leave and you release
[Outside Colonel's House. Fry runs away from the house.]
(gasping) Why couldn't she be the other
type of mermaid, with the fish part
on top and the lady part on the bottom?
[The Colonel and Umbriel open the door.]
Now who's gonna escort me to the Debutante
Well what about that rich young dugong
There! The engine modifications are
Prepare for launch.
[Cut to: Seabed. The ship takes off from the rocky bed. The engine
has been modified to flap around like a fish tail. Fry misses
Wait! Wait for me! Don't leave me here!
[He sees Bender's fish hook and chases it. He leaps up and grabs
it and it pulls him upwards. The giant bass swims up behind him,
he screams and the bass eats him.]
[Port. The bass is hanging from a giant set of scales. Mayor
Poopenmeyer, photographers and other people are crowded around
And so, in honour of his record-breaking
catch, I'm proud to award Bender this
cheque for $1000.
[He shakes Bender's hand and photographers take photos. The crowd
cheers. The bass spits out Fry followed by Hermes' manwich.]
Fry, are you alright? What happened?
What about Umbriel?
Well, it turns out I loved her, but
I wasn't in love with her.
(whispering) Trouble in bed.
Ah, it's great to have you back, buddy.
[He puts his arms around Fry. Poopenmeyer looks at the scales.]
Wait a-- This is no record! Gimmie back
that cheque! I'm giving it to some giant
[He snatches the cheque from Bender. Fry starts struggling.]
Ow! Bender, you're hurting me. Ow!
[He chokes. The bass' gills open. Zoidberg is inside.]
Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here!
(over credits) Hail Atlanta!