FUTURAMA
Episode 216
"THE DEEP SOUTH"
By
J. Stewart Burns
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: A Stern Warning of Things to Come.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Nibbler sits on Leela's lap and she
picks tufts out of his fur. Bender does the same to Fry. Enter
Hermes.]
HERMES
Exciting news, people! The pet licence
I requsitioned for Nibbler has arrived.
LEELA
Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know
you cared about Nibbler.
HERMES
Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the
little bastard in a sack and toss the
sack in a river and hurl the river into
space. But I do like filling out requisitions
and these were some doozies! Great
Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up.
This isn't a pet licence, it's a fishing
licence. And it's mandatory!
[The Planet Express ship takes off and heads out to sea. It stops
a short while later and the cargo bay lift comes down with Bender,
Fry and Farnsworth standing on it.]
FARNSWORTH
Ah! The exact centre of the Atlantic
Ocean. This seems the logical place
for fish to congregate.
BENDER
So we're in international waters?
FARNSWORTH
Indeed so.
[Bender whips out a radio and talks into it.]
BENDER
Falcon, this is Blue Raven, the goose
has nested. Repeat, the goose has nested.
Hey, guess what you're accessories
to?
[Time Lapse. On the roof of the ship, the crew pull out their
fishing equipment from the gun turret.]
LEELA
The sun, the sea air, good friends.
BENDER
Leela's right, fishing blows. Whattya
say we make it interesting?
HERMES
Why not?
AMY
Yeah.
FARNSWORTH
Yeah, cool.
BENDER
Everybody kick in five bucks. There,
wasn't that interesting?
LEELA
Bender!
[Fry chuckles.]
FRY
This contest is as good as over. I once
caught a fish this big.
[He stretches out his arms.]
BENDER
Oh, yeah? I once caught a fish this
big!
[He extends his arms the length of the ship. Leela opens a case.]
LEELA
I'm afraid you're both out of your league,
boys, 'cause you're looking at a woman
who owns her own harpoon.
[She twists the top of the harpoon onto the bottom.]
BENDER
Harpoon, my ass!
LEELA
OK.
[And she does. He screams in pain and jumps into the water. Hermes
looks at five buckets.]
HERMES
Let's see now, which bait to use? Crickets?
Squid? Chicken necks?
ZOIDBERG
Excuse me, if I might be so bold, I'm
willing to offer my services as a bait
critic. These sardines for example
are bland and tasteless. And these
dry, stringy nightcrawlers, though juicy
... ... very very juicy--
[He sticks his head in the bucket and gobbles the bait.]
HERMES
I don't believe this! It's eating my
bait! Beat it, you mooching crawdad!
[Zoidberg runs away and woops. Bender presses a button on his
fishing rod.]
BENDER
Hey, Fry, check out my laser-guided
fishing rod.
FRY
(whispering) Quiet, Bender, you're scaring
away the fish.
BENDER
Fine. I'll head over to the other side.
(shouting) Good luck fishing on this
side!
[He walks away and Fry casts his line and chuckles.]
FRY
I can hit a fish between the eyes from
20 yards!
BENDER
Oh, yeah? I can hit a shrimp!
FRY
A shrimp? I find it a bit hard to believe
that--
[Bender's line hits Fry between the eyes and knocks him over.
Leela spins her harpoon around and sees something in the water.]
LEELA
Aha! Gather round, chumps! I got the
winner!
[An old boot comes out of the water on the end of the harpoon.
Leela sighs.]
AMY
Oh, so this is where you shop for your
boots?
[Fry reels in a little fish.]
BENDER
Couple more of those and you'll have
yourself a fish stick!
[He laughs.]
FRY
Hey, a fish this fine belongs in a fish
nugget-style chunklet. And anyway, it's
bigger than anything you've caught.
Ow! My small intestine!
[Leela tries again with the harpoon.]
LEELA
Bingo! Whatever it is, it's 20 times
heavier than a boot.
[She pulls out a crate marked "Boots 10 Pair" and sighs.]
FARNSWORTH
You'll never catch anything with that
primitive technology. What you need
is this fish pheromone. The most potent
aphrodisiac known to fishkind. Uh-oh!
[Several fish leap up to his head. He screams and knocks them
off. Zoidberg comes up behind him and sniffs him.]
ZOIDBERG
(sexfully) I'm so into you!
[He wraps his mouth flaps around Farnsworth's head and slurps.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh, my!
[Fry reels in his line. There is big fish attached to it.]
FRY
(shouting) Hey, Bender, I just caught
a fish this big!
BENDER
Quit exaggerating, Fry. Ah, screw this!
If I'm not gonna catch a fish, I might
as well not catch a big fish. There.
Like most of life's problems this one
can be solved with bending.
[He ties the ships tether line to the hook.]
FARNSWORTH
Bender, be careful. That's the ships
diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable.
BENDER
Then why do I have to be careful?
FARNSWORTH
It belonged to my grandmother.
[Bender takes some food from Hermes' hands, attaches it to his
hook and throws it into the sea.]
HERMES
My manwich!
[Time Lapse. Dusk approaches. Fry is asleep in a chair with his
rod next to him, Amy is asleep, Hermes is asleep with sign hanging
around him saying he will be awake at 7pm. Bender snoozes, his
door opening and closing. Leela casts her harpoon again.]
LEELA
Wake up, everyone! I've got something.
And this time it's alive! Dr. Zoidberg,
since when do you even wear boots?
ZOIDBERG
I wasn't wearing it. (ashamed) I was
eating it.
[Leela sighs and lets go of the rope.]
LEELA
Come on, let's go home.
[Amy wakes up and screams.]
AMY
Sunburn! My fabulous body! It's ruined!
What happened to my parasol?
BENDER
I don't know. It wasn't here when I
took your umbrella. What? I put sunblock
on you.
AMY
Well it didn't work!
[She turns around and stomps off. On her back Bender has spelled
out "Honk If Bender Is Great" in sunblock. He giggles.]
LEELA
Come on, Bender. Pull in your line and
let's go.
[Bender tries to pull in the line.]
BENDER
Hey, I'm snagged.
[The line starts to whirr away.]
FARNSWORTH
It's not snagged, the mechano man has
caught something! Sweet Zombie Jesus!
It's huge!
AMY
It's coming up!
[A huge fish leaps up from the water and over the top of the
ship. The staff gasp.]
HERMES
Oh, that's big!
FARNSWORTH
A colossal-mouth bass!
[The bass heads back under the water and the tether starts winding
away.]
FRY
It's diving!
[The ship shakes and tilts forward.]
LEELA
It's pulling us under! Everyone into
the ship!
ZOIDBERG
Wait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable
diamond filament! Well, at least I'll
die with my friends. Hello?
[The others shut the turret door behind them and the water line
creeps towards Zoidberg. He climbs in and shuts it behind him.
The ship lurches forward and disappears under the water and the
staff scream. Something floats to the surface.]
HERMES
(from ship) My Speedos!
[Ships Cockpit. The room is glowing red and a klaxon beeps. Leela
watches the depth gauge.]
LEELA
Depth at 45 hundred feet, 48 hundred,
50 hundred! 5000 feet!
FARNSWORTH
Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres
of pressure.
FRY
How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?
FARNSWORTH
Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere
between zero and one.
[The ships hull creaks around them.]
BENDER
What's that? Is someone bending girders?
[More creaking. The depth gauge reaches 6000ft and breaks. Farnsworth's
glasses break and so do Bender's eyes. He screws some new ones
in.]
LEELA
We'll be crushed if we don't equalise
the pressure.
FRY
How do we do that?
[Pipes burst around the room and the water floods in.]
FARNSWORTH
That should do it.
[The water gets higher.]
AMY
We're all gonna die!
FRY
Wait, I'll be back in a minute.
[He takes off his jacket and swims under the water. A toilet
flushes and the water level drops. The staff cheer and Fry walks
back in, zipping up his shorts.]
LEELA
You did it, Fry!
FRY
Did what?
[The ship hits some rocks and everyone is thrown across the room,
screaming. The ship comes to a rest on the ocean floor. Bender
looks out the window.]
BENDER
People, it's far far worse than we thought;
My fish got away.
[Ship Corridor. Bender fixes the electricity and the lights come
back on, Leela mops the floor and Fry tapes up a crack in the
hull.]
LEELA
There, good as new! Except we're three
miles below the surface, we don't have
any food and the ship won't work underwater.
BENDER
(restrained) Tempers are wearing thin.
Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill
everybody.
HERMES
The important thing is that we don't
panic. There are rules for situations
like this. Now, the first order of
business is lunch. I suggest a nice
lobster Zoidberg, I mean lobster Newburg,
I mean Doctor Zoidberg.
LEELA
OK, everyone, calm down. The Professor
and I will get to work on the ship.
Bender, Zoidberg, since you can survive
underwater, you'll go out and look for
food.
FRY
I'd better go too. They don't know what
I like.
[He opens the airlock.]
HERMES
Fry, no! The pressure will crush you
like a green snake under a sugarcane
truck.
FARNSWORTH
Not necessarily. This is chance for
Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure
pill.
[He pulls out a huge black pill.]
FRY
I can't swallow that.
FARNSWORTH
Well then good news! It's a suppository.
[Seabed. Fry, Bender and Zoidberg walks across the ocean floor.
Fry holds a bag of air. Zoidberg picks up a fish and puts it
Bender's chest cabinet.]
ZOIDBERG
How are you doing there, Fry? Glad
to hear it. Aha!
[He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet. Bender sees an electric
eel and grabs it. It shocks him.]
BENDER
Aw, yeah!
[Zoidberg sees a little glowing thing.]
ZOIDBERG
Yum, yum, yum! Uh-oh! Look at me,
I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!
[Time Lapse. The trio search for food next to a sunken wreck.
Fry lifts a skull and crossbones flag.]
ZOIDBERG
Careful, Fry, I think that flag might
be poisonous.
[Bender emerges from the boat wearing a pirate hat and an eyepatch
and carrying some bottles.]
BENDER
Ahoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty
grub. Arr! The laws o' science be a
harsh mistress!
ZOIDBERG
Say, robot, old buddy? Could you help
me move a couch?
BENDER
Uh, OK, but I'm not carrying it upstairs.
[He climbs into the shell leaving Fry alone. Some seaweed parts,
revealing a mermaid. She laughs and swims away and Fry blubbers.
Zoidberg and Bender emerge from the shell.]
ZOIDBERG
What is it, Fry?
FRY
(blubberling) Mermaid.
BENDER
You want some lemonade? You saw a big
parade?
ZOIDBERG
Your student loans have been repaid?
Then how 'bout lending your old pal
Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr Millionaire!
[Ships Mess. The crew are eating. Fry is still blubberling.]
LEELA
Fry, swallow your food. Then talk.
[Fry swallows.]
FRY
A mermaid!
[Amy laughs.]
AMY
You think you saw a mermaid?
FRY
No, I did see a mermaid! She was wearing
a tube top and she had a beautiful scaley
tail. And I think she had hair extensions.
BENDER
Yeah, right!
LEELA
Sure she did.
HERMES
OK, Fry!
FARNSWORTH
You're simply hallucinating, you ...
moron.
FRY
What's so far-fetched about mermaids?
I mean, there's all sorts of weird sea
creatures here in the future. Like Dr.
Zoidberg.
[He through the window at Zoidberg. He is wearing a sunhat and
has built a window box on his shell and is landscaping a garden.
He turns around and waves.]
LEELA
I'm afraid Fry is suffering from ocean
madness.
FRY
Every time something good happens to
me you say it's some kind of madness,
or I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy.
Well I saw a real mermaid and I wish
for once my friends would have decency
and kindness to believe me.
LEELA
(whispering) Ocean madness.
[Fry storms out.]
FARNSWORTH
He may have ocean madness but that's
no excuse for ocean rudeness.
[Fry's And Bender's Quarters. Fry lies awake while Bender snores.]
FRY
(muttering) Ocean madness, yeah right.
It's always something, ain't it? (talking)
It's her! Bender, wake up! She's here!
Wake up! Oh! oxygen!
[He picks up a suitcase.]
[Cut to: Seabed. Fry steps outside the airlock and closes the
door behind him. His suitcase floats away and he screams. The
mermaid puts something in his mouth.]
MERMAID
Here you go, darlin'.
[Fry breathes.]
FRY
Hey! I can breath and talk, just like
a fish!
MERMAID
Oh, you speak fish?
[She says something in fish.]
FRY
What?
MERMAID
I'm sorry, my accent's atrocious. Hi,
my name's Umbriel!
FRY
I'm Fry. So, uh, am I gonna drown?
UMBRIEL
Course not. Just stay calm and let the
currents relax your every muscle.
[Fry relaxes.]
FRY
Aw, yeah!
UMBRIEL
Did it just get warmer?
FRY
I can't believe you're really real.
I like your tail.
UMBRIEL
Oh, you're sweet. I like those wiggly
doo-dads comin' outta your hips.
FRY
Oh, Thanks. They're called pants.
[Time Lapse. Fry and Umbriel sit next to a glowing vent.]
UMBRIEL
This here's a volcanic vent. The water
comes out at over 4000 degrees.
FRY
No kidding.
[He relaxes.]
UMBRIEL
Did it just get colder? Tell me more
about that bizarre land-y world you
come from. Is there water there too?
FRY
Sure, sometimes it falls from the sky.
UMBRIEL
Hm.
FRY
And sometimes it doesn't.
[She gasps.]
UMBRIEL
Oh, Mr. Fry! You do go on!
FRY
You know what I like best about you,
Umbriel? You find me fascinating even
when I'm not claiming to be a jewel
thief or a lion tamer.
UMBRIEL
Lions? There are sealions on the land?
FRY
Yup. We call them land-sealions ...
I tame them!
[Montage: Fry and Umbriel date to Donovan's Atlantis. They watch
a squid and whale fight, swim on the back of a flat fish and
Fry spells out words to Umbriel with glowing fish. They look
into each other's eyes and kiss.]
[Ships Galley. Bender reads The Atlantic Monthly while Leela,
Amy and Hermes are gathered around something. Enter Farnsworth.]
FARNSWORTH
I'm almost finish reconfiguring the
ships propulsion system. We can leave
as soon as the paper-mâché is dry.
LEELA
Where's Fry?
BENDER
I didn't kill him. Professor?
FARNSWORTH
No, I've been busy.
HERMES
He must've gone out looking for that
mermaid. The poor demented honky.
LEELA
It's ocean madness alright. Sailors
call it aqua dementia, the deep down
crazies, the wet willies, the screaming
moist!
[As she speaks the crew leave. Bender slams the door behind him.]
[Cut to: Ship Corridor. Leela joins the rest of them. Farnsworth
opens the door to the airlock.]
FARNSWORTH
We'll form a search party. Now, we'll
need oxygen.
BENDER
I got it covered. In the event of an
emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device.
FARNSWORTH
Ooh, that reminds me: You've all taken
your pressure pills, right?
AMY
Yes! Stop asking!
[Seabed. The crew stand outside the ship wearing their oxygen
masks. Zoidberg sniffs around like a dog.]
ZOIDBERG
I've got his scent! Over here where
the water gets warmer. This way!
[The staff follow him across the seabed. They peek over a mound
and gasp. Ahead of them is a city.]
BENDER
(awestruck) Bend me!
[Amy says something in Chinese.]
AMY
Dude! An ancient sunken city!
[The crew look at a partly-obscured sign that reads "City Of
Atl".]
FARNSWORTH
Could it possibly be? Are the old legends
true? It is! It's the fabled lost city
of Atlanta!
MERMAN
Howdy, y'all!
[City Of Atlanta. The crew are greated by another merman.]
COLONEL
Welcome to Atlanta. Folks round these
parts call me the Colonel. Here, have
some breathers, courtesy of our Chamber
of Commerce.
[He hands them the same breathing gear Umbriel gave Fry earlier.
They put them in.]
FARNSWORTH
This is uncomfortable and humiliating.
Now, if they could put it in the form
of a suppository.
COLONEL
Y'all enjoy your stay! Tourism's our
main source of income round here so
see the sights, spend some money. Please
don't leave!
[Fry and Umbriel come out of Krispy Kreme.]
BENDER
Fry! Oh, I just knew you were still
alive! (whispering) I owe you 10 bucks,
Hermes!
FRY
Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing
happened. It's two-for-one Tuesday at
Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids.
COLONEL
Nice out of town folks, I'd like you
to meet my daughter, Umbriel. Umbriel,
these are some Yankees.
[Time Lapse. The staff, Umbriel and the Colonel wander around
the city.]
AMY
So, Fry, Atlanta was an American city
in your time?
FRY
I think it was just an airport. They
had a place where you could buy nuts.
UMBRIEL
No! Ancient Atlanta was more than just
a Delta hub. It was a vibrant metropolis,
the equal of Paris or New York.
FRY
That's right, honey! Whatever you say.
UMBRIEL
Look at these fabulous ruins. Turner
Field, the Coca-Cola bottling plant,
the, uh, the airport.
LEELA
But tell us: How could a city with such
a ... fabulous airport, end up underwater?
COLONEL
Ah, now that's a story that can only
rightly be told in a Chamber of Commerce
video narrated by folk-rock trubadour
Donovan.
[He presses a button and Donovan appears on the screen and strums
the tune to Atlantis with slightly different lyrics.]
DONOVAN
Atlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds
of miles from the area we now call the
Atlantic Ocean,
Yet so desperate the city's desire for tourism that they moved
offshore, becoming an island and an even bigger Delta hub,
[On the screen, helicopters lift the city and land it in the
ocean. The scene changes to years later. The island is packed
with buildings.]
Until the city over-developed and it started to sink,
Knowing their fate, the quality people ran away,
Ted Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the guy who invented
Coca-Cola, the magician and the other so-called gods of our legends,
Though gods they were -- and also Jane Fonda was there.
[A boat with the people on pulls away and the city sinks.]
The others chose to remain behind on their porches with their
rifles, and one day evolve into mermaids, and sing and dance
and ring in the new.
MERMAIDS
Hail Atlanta!
[The video ends.]
LEELA
The magician?
BENDER
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wouldn't it take millions
of years to evolve into mermaids?
UMBRIEL
Normally, yes, but the caffine really
sped things up. That stuff's wonderful.
[Colonel's House. The staff are seated around a dining table
with the Colonel and Umbriel.]
COLONEL
So when Umbriel first brought home this
carpet bagger, I was again' it. But,
damnit, if old legs here ain't grown
on me!
[He pats Fry on the back.]
FRY
Aw, shucks, Colonel.
[He spits tobacco and the spitoon dings.]
HERMES
Well, it's all very nice here but we
should be going. I miss me wife and
me oxygen.
FARNSWORTH
Yes, we all miss our loved ones and
gases. Come on, Fry.
FRY
Wait. I'm not going with you.
[Everyone gasps.]
LEELA
But, Fry, what about us? What about
your life on the surface? You don't
belong down here.
ZOIDBERG
She's right, I mean sure they got the
Braves but it's a third-rate symphony.
FARNSWORTH
Fry, you half-mad, half-insane maniac,
be reasonable. Don't you realise that
if you stay at this depth your body
will permanently adapt to the pressure?
FRY
Realise it? I don't even understand
it!
FARNSWORTH
It means you'll never be able to return
to the surface.
FRY
I don't care. I'm staying. I've got
everything I want right here.
[He hugs Umbriel.]
FARNSWORTH
(shouting) I'm bored! Let's go!
[Outside Colonel's House. On the porch Fry shakes hands with
his old friends as they leave.]
ZOIDBERG
You know, Fry, I've got a little place
just outside town. You could come visit,
maybe?
[Fry looks at the Colonel who shakes his head.]
FRY
Sorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join
the country club.
[Bender hugs Fry.]
BENDER
(crying) Oh, Fry! I'll miss you!
[He leaves and the Colonel waves.]
COLONEL
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
FARNSWORTH
(shouting) Let's go, damnit! Let's go!
[Ships Airlock. Farnsworth opens the door and the crew walk in.
Zoidberg stops outside.]
ZOIDBERG
Well, I guess this is goodbye for me
as well.
LEELA
Whatever.
AMY
Later.
FARNSWORTH
Bye.
[Cut to: Seabed. Zoidberg turns away sadly and the door closes
behind him. He screams. His shell is a burned ruin.]
ZOIDBERG
No! My home! It burned down! (crying)
How did this happen?
HERMES
That's a very good question.
[Bender picks something up.]
BENDER
So that's where I left my cigar.
[He smokes it.]
HERMES
That just raises further questions!
[Umbriel's Bedroom. Fry and Umbriel sit on her bed.]
FRY
You know, Umbriel, these last 24 hours
have been the happiest days of my life.
UMBRIEL
Oh, Fry! I want you to make a mer-woman
outta mer-me.
[She gets under the sheet and her top floats away.]
FRY
Mercy! I do believe I'm gettin' the
vapours!
[He tears his clothes off and dives under the sheets. He and
Umbriel kiss and her tail flaps around.]
UMBRIEL
What the hell is that?
FRY
Yeah I'm a little confused too. How
do I ... y'know ... with the tail and
all?
UMBRIEL
I'm not your first am I? I mean, I-I
lay my eggs and leave and you release
your fertiliser.
[Outside Colonel's House. Fry runs away from the house.]
FRY
(gasping) Why couldn't she be the other
type of mermaid, with the fish part
on top and the lady part on the bottom?
[The Colonel and Umbriel open the door.]
UMBRIEL
Now who's gonna escort me to the Debutante
Ball?
COLONEL
Well what about that rich young dugong
from Macon?
[Ships Cockpit.]
FARNSWORTH
There! The engine modifications are
complete.
LEELA
Prepare for launch.
[Cut to: Seabed. The ship takes off from the rocky bed. The engine
has been modified to flap around like a fish tail. Fry misses
the ship.]
FRY
Wait! Wait for me! Don't leave me here!
[He sees Bender's fish hook and chases it. He leaps up and grabs
it and it pulls him upwards. The giant bass swims up behind him,
he screams and the bass eats him.]
[Port. The bass is hanging from a giant set of scales. Mayor
Poopenmeyer, photographers and other people are crowded around
Bender.]
POOPENMEYER
And so, in honour of his record-breaking
catch, I'm proud to award Bender this
cheque for $1000.
[He shakes Bender's hand and photographers take photos. The crowd
cheers. The bass spits out Fry followed by Hermes' manwich.]
LEELA
It's you!
BENDER
Hey, buddy!
HERMES
My manwich!
LEELA
Fry, are you alright? What happened?
AMY
What about Umbriel?
FRY
Well, it turns out I loved her, but
I wasn't in love with her.
AMY
(whispering) Trouble in bed.
[Leela nods.]
BENDER
Ah, it's great to have you back, buddy.
[He puts his arms around Fry. Poopenmeyer looks at the scales.]
POOPENMEYER
Wait a-- This is no record! Gimmie back
that cheque! I'm giving it to some giant
orphans.
[He snatches the cheque from Bender. Fry starts struggling.]
FRY
Ow! Bender, you're hurting me. Ow!
[He chokes. The bass' gills open. Zoidberg is inside.]
ZOIDBERG
Hey! I'm trying to sleep in here!
THE END
DONOVAN
(over credits) Hail Atlanta!
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