FUTURAMA
Episode 510
"THE FARNSWORTH PARABOX"
By
Bill Odenkirk
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Beats A Hard Kick In The Face.]
[Outside Planet Express. The top of the tower explodes in a huge
fireball and electricity zaps around the rest of the building.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender is sat at the table
snoring as the room shakes and bits of ceiling fall on him.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Leela sit on the couch.
Plaster is still falling from the ceiling and the building is
still shaking.]
FRY (SHOUTING)
I know you've rejected me a lot before
but frankly I wasn't sure we were right
for each other either, but now I am!
So how 'bout a date tonight?
LEELA
(shouting): Sorry I think I, um, I think
I left my toaster on.
FRY (SHOUTING)
C'mon Leela, what's the real reason
you won't go out with me?
LEELA (SHOUTING)
Look, I'm embarrassed to admit this
but you forced me to. I can't go out
tonight because ......I have sweaty
boot rash!
[On the other side of the room Amy looks up from the table.]
AMY
No spluh! Why do you think I'm sitting
over here in the stink-free zone?
[Fry laughs.]
FRY
So, will you go out with me?
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.
Farnsworth is covered in dirty stains and tries to rub them off
with a cloth.]
FARNSWORTH
Good news everyone, I'm still technically
alive! Yes! But I need to you to dispose
of this crazy ass experiment that almost
killed me. You'll have to throw it
into the sun itself, for only the thermonuclear
inferno of the sun has enough energy
to ensure its total destruction!
BENDER
I can hit it with a shovel!
FARNSWORTH
That's not good enough.
BENDER
This one time I pounded a guy into the
ground like a stake with a shovel!
FARNSWORTH
Yes yes!
[Zoidberg lifts the lid slightly.]
ZOIDBERG
So what's in the box already?
FARNSWORTH
No peeking! I don't know what's in
there but I'm sure our minds would be
unable to comprehend -
[Hermes lifts the lid and Farnsworth hits his hand with the hammer.]
HERMES
Ow! You hurt my collater!
FARNSWORTH
I don't care. Listen well: No matter
what happens, no matter how great your
curiosity, you are forbidden to look
in this box. Forbidden! Pretty tantilising
though!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The box is on a stool and
Bender, Zoidberg, Fry, Leela and Hermes stand around it.]
FRY
Whatever's in there it's the only thing
I've ever wanted.
ZOIDBERG
In my experience boxes are usually empty.
Or maybe with a little cheese stuck
to the top. And one time pepperoni!
What a day that was! (shouting) Give
me the box!
[Hermes fires a laser into the air.]
HERMES
Scram you lousy green snakes! Here
Leela, take this and use it to shoot
those guys.
[He hands her the laser.]
LEELA
Right! If they try to look in the box.
HERMES
Whatever.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits at the table while Bender
paces around restlessly.]
FRY
Let's just forget about the box. The
Professor said to stay away.
BENDER
Fry, how can you be so naive? He was
joking. Get it?
FRY
No.
BENDER
That's what makes it so funny! OK he
wasn't joking now shut up and follow
me.
[Planet Express: Basement. Bender removes the hatch from a superheated
steam pipe and climbs in. Fry follows.]
FRY [FROM VENT]
Ow it's hot! The butter in my pocket
is melting!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Above the room Bender
removes the grate.]
[Cut to: Vent. Bender takes out his eyes and replaces them with
bendy periscope type eyes.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender's eye emerge
from the vent and he scans the room. Leela is asleep in the corner.
Bender chuckles. He extends his arms down the box, picks it up
and brings it back into the vent. Fry groans from the heat.]
[Planet Express: Basement. Bender puts the box on a crate in
the middle of the room]
BENDER
We thank you Bender for the gift we
are about to receive!
[He lifts the lid and he and Fry gasp. Fry pulls something out.]
FRY
Tangled up Christmas lights! We can
take shifts untangling them!
BENDER
Unlabled booze! Widemouth too!
[He downs the bottle and Fry starts on the lights.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
LEELA
That oughta keep those dopes occupied.
I can guard the real box in peace now
that no one's curious about it.
[She walks across the room and places the box back on the stool
and picks up a magazine called Nosy Enquirer. She hums as she
reads it. She looks up at the box but goes back to the magazine
and hums louder.]
[Time Lapse. The next morning Leela is still in the lab guarding
the box. A clock rings 7am.]
LEELA
Well, I got through the night and no
one looked in the box. Not even me.
The person who gave up her whole evening
to watch it. A whole evening of TV gone.
What a mockery of justice it is that
I can't take even a little tiny peek!
I need coffee. OK. Heads I look, tails
I don't. Oh yeah! Heads! I mean - alright
then! No. I have a duty not to look.
But then again, I promised the coin
I would. Oh it's deep. Deeper than
a small box should be.
[She is sucked inside the box and screams.]
[Cut to: Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab. Everything goes all wobbly
and the box changes colour from yellow to light blue. Leela is
ejected from it. She lands face first onto the floor. She is
unaware that she has fallen into a parallel universe inside the
box.]
LEELA
Ouch! My lawyer will hear about this!
[Enter Fry. But his hair is black and his jacket is green.]
FRY 1
Leela, what have you done?
LEELA
Nothing. What do you mean "why was I
looking in the box?"
FRY 1
I mean your hair. It's all different-y.
[Enter Bender. But he is gold.]
LEELA
Bender? Is that you?
BENDER 1
You know it! Large and in charge!
[Enter Farnsworth with a scar around his head.]
FARNSWORTH 1
Leela? Oh, there's a woman for you!
Always dying her hair instead of not
looking in a box.
LEELA
I didn't dye my hair. This is how I
always look.
BENDER 1
No, that's how you always look. This
throws my entire perception of reality
into question. Clone? Robot? Or long
lost twin? Taking all bets! I also offer
video poker!
[Time Lapse.]
FRY 1
It's some guy wearing a Leela costume!
Get him!
[Leela whips out Hermes' laser and points it at them.]
LEELA
Hold it! You have this all wrong. I
just fell into the box and then I fell
out somehow.
FRY 1
You shut up sir.
FARNSWORTH 1
No wait, I've got it! I know what's
in the box. Oh I've been as dumb as
Fry!
FRY 1
Am not!
FARNSWORTH 1
It contains a parallel universe! And
when you create a parallel universe
it's almost always populated by evil
twins!
LEELA
No look, I am not evil. My loan officer
said so.
FARNSWORTH 1
Oh you'd like us to believe that wouldn't
you Leela? Or should I say Eveela?
BENDER 1
Oh this is awful. Somewhere there's
a Bender more evil than me. I do my
best dammit!
FARNSWORTH 1
Leela? The good Leela. I want you
to snoop around the other universe and
find out how evil they are. Here.
LEELA
I tell you they're not evil. But don't
be confused. They are jerks.
[Leela 1 dives into the box.]
[She punches him.]
[Enter Leela 1 via the box. She points the laser back into it.]
LEELA 1
Come out of your universe with your
hands up!
[Enter Fry, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg and Farnsworth. They put up
their hands.]
FRY
Oh wow. It's like that drug trip I saw
in that movie when I was on that drug
trip.
FARNSWORTH
Astonishing. I must have created a parallel
universe!
FARNSWORTH 1
Baldercrap! I created your universe!
All you created was my fist parallel
to your face!
[He weakly punches him.]
FARNSWORTH
Ow.
LEELA
Look. It doesn't matter who created
what. The important thing is - yah!
[She kicks the laser out of Leela 1's hand. Leela 1 leans back
to Farnsworth 1.]
LEELA 1 (WHISPERING)
We're exactly the same. I know all her
moves. Therefore, I've got the upper
hand.
[Both Leelas fly at each other, collide and land in a heap on
the floor.]
FARNSWORTH 1
Now now, perfectly symmetrical violence
never solved anything.
[Universe 1: Meeting Room. Both crews sit around the table.]
FARNSWORTH
Let's recap what's happened so far.
As you can see I accidentally created
a box containing your universe.
FARNSWORTH 1
While I, in a simultaineous blunder
created a box containing your universe.
LEELA
This is getting confusing. Why don't
we call our universe "Universe A" and
this universe "Universe B"?
BENDER 1
Hey, why can't we be universe A?
FRY 1
Yeah!
AMY 1
Yeah!
ZOIDBERG 1
We want the best letter!
FRY
We called it first. Besides, this place
kinda feels like a "B" y'know?
LEELA 1
Alright, you can be crummy universe
A. And we'll be universe 1!
FRY 1
Or "The Mongooses," that's a cool team
name. The Fighting Mongooses!
FARNSWORTH
Wait a minute. If our universes are
identical then why did our Leela look
into the box and your Leela didn't?
LEELA 1
Well to be honest I tossed a coin. It
came up tails so I didn't look.
LEELA
That's weird. Mine came up heads so
I did.
FARNSWORTH
Interesting. Apparently the key difference
between our universes is that coin flips
have opposite outcomes.
BENDER
That explains fruity here! I tossed
a coin to pick my finish. Foghat grey!
BENDER 1
Hey! Bite my glorious golden ass!
FARNSWORTH
Your people and your slight differences
disgust me. I'm going home. Where's
that blue box with our universe in it?
FARNSWORTH 1
Oh you'd like to get back to your evil
universe wouldn't you? And destroy your
box with our universe inside it.
FARNSWORTH
Nonsense! I would never do such a thing
unless you would already have been going
to do that!
FARNSWORTH 1
Wha?
FARNSWORTH
You heard me!
FARNSWORTH 1
In any case, I've hidden the box and
it will remain hidden unitil I'm convinced
you're not evil! Everyone, keep an
eye on your evil counterpart.
[Farnsworth turns to the A crew.]
FARNSWORTH
And you all do the same!
LEELA 1
Um, can Fry and I watch our parallel
selves together? We have plans tonight.
LEELA
You guys are dating?
FRY 1
Oh no no no. We're married.
[Leela 1 puts her arms around him. They kiss. Fry and Leela's
jaws drop.]
[Universe 1 Street. Bender A and Bender 1 walk down the street
while all the time watching each other.]
BENDER
I've got my eye on you boy!
BENDER 1
Don't even think about it lunch-pail!
You'd be dead before you hit the ground!
BENDER
Good point. Whatyya say we just hit
a strip joint?
BENDER 1
I was waitin' for one of us to say that!
Bender A, you're a prince among robots!
Can you forgive me for distrusting you?
[They hug.]
BENDER
Aw, I can't stay mad at what is essentially
me. I love me!
[They take each others wallets and chuckle.]
[Universe 1: Lounge. The two Amy's paint their toenails.]
AMY 1
This is so great! I always wanted an
imaginary friend!
AMY
I'm not imaginary, I'm parallel! We're
exactly the same, right down to the
- Splech! Is that pink nail polish?
[Amy 1 points at Amy's yellow toenails.]
AMY 1
Is that not pink nail polish? The Professor's
right, you are evil! And shallow!
AMY
I am not evil!
[Universe 1 Elzar's. The Frys and Leelas sit at a table.]
LEELA
So Fry, Leela, how'd you two get together?
FRY 1
Funny story. I asked Leela out a million
times and she just kept rejecting me.
LEELA 1
I'd make up things like "I have sweaty
boot-rash" or "I have to meet the President"!
[She laughs. Fry glares at Leela.]
FRY 1
Oh man, you never heard such excuses!
But, like a dope, I believed her. Looking
back on it now it's kinda funny!
FRY (SARCASTIC)
It sure is, right Leela? Funny. Ha ha
ha ha!
LEELA 1
Then one night when Fry asked me out
the only excuse I could think of involved
ghosts. I knew he wouldn't buy it so
I did what I always do in those situations.
LEELA
Oh Lord!
LEELA 1
I flipped a coin. It came up heads and
we went out.
[Fry turns to Leela.]
FRY
You mean you flipped the coin too? And
it was tails? So that's why you said
you had to meet that ghost.
LEELA 1
You really missed out on something Leela.
That date was magical.
FRY 1
One year later I gave Leela a diamond
scrunchy, and we were married.
[Leela 1 turns around and shows Leela the scrunchy.]
LEELA
Woo!
FRY
One year later I got beat up at a Neil
Diamond concert by a guy named Scrunchy!
[Universe 1 Farnsworth's Lab. The two Farnsworth's fiddle around
with the chandelier controls and the lights brighten and dim.]
FARNSWORTH 1
Well that was pointless.
FARNSWORTH
Say, I hope you won't think it "evil"
of me to ask how you got that stylish
head wound!
FARNSWORTH 1
Oh this old thing? I was experimenting
to see if I could remove my own brain!
FARNSWORTH
Of course! I had the same idea! I flipped
a coin to decide if I should proceed
but it came up tails - so I didn't.
How'd it go?
FARNSWORTH 1
Well getting the brain out was the easy
part. The hard part was getting the
brain out!
[He laughs insanely. Farnsworth chuckles.]
FARNSWORTH
Oh you!
[Universe 1 Alley. The two Zoidbergs sit in a dumpster.]
ZOIDBERG 1
So, tell me about yourself!
ZOIDBERG
Well don't look into it but I'm a respected
internal medicine doctor! Ooo a can!
[He picks up the can and slurps the contents of it.]
ZOIDBERG 1
As for me I design mansions, then live
in them. (crying) I'm lying! I'm an
appalling failure!
[Zoidberg cries too.]
ZOIDBERG (CRYING)
Me too! A big fat one.
ZOIDBERG 1
And those co-workers. Always looking
down on us Zoidbergs. What are they?
From Nob Hill?
ZOIDBERG
They're all like "Stop spraying me with
ink Zoidberg!" "Put on pants Zoidberg!"
"Don't touch our fancy box Zoidberg!"
ZOIDBERG 1
Oh that box! Too good for us is it?
ZOIDBERG
Bah! Someday they'll watch! From down
in the gutter they will, as King Zoidberg
caresses their fancy box.
ZOIDBERG 1
You know, maybe a certain blue lobster
saw where Professor hid the box!
[Zoidberg laughs evily and Zoidberg 1 joins in.]
[Universe 1 Meeting Room.]
FARNSWORTH 1
Good news everyones!
FARNSWORTH
After carefully reading the scriptures,
we've concluded that none of us are
evil!
FARNSWORTH 1
Yes, the Bible is the real good news!
Anyhow, you're all free to go back to
your own universe.
[Enter Hermes 1.]
HERMES 1
What's goin' on here? Why aren't you
all out destroying the Professor's box?
LEELA 1
Hermes, aren't you confused about the
fact thats there's two of everybody?
HERMES 1
No. Now like my granny used to say back
in her tall paper shack on Montego Bay
"If you want a box hurled into the sun,
you got to do it yourself!"
FARNSWORTH 1
Your granny can go to hell! I've hidden
the box so that no one can destroy the
home universe of my handsome friend
here!
FARNSWORTH
Oh go on! Wait a second. If your Hermes
was about to destroy the box containing
our universe...
FARNSWORTH 1
Then your Hermes...
FARNSWORTH
Oh my!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The hangar doors open and Hermes
walks up the steps into the ship.]
HERMES
Like granny said "If you want a box
hurled into the sun, you got to do it
yourself!" God rest her zombie bones.
[Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab.]
LEELA
So we go through the box and stop Hermes?
FARNSWORTH
Right. Good thing Professor B there
hid it in the sealed clam tank. No one
but a crazy lobster would look there!
[In the tank Farnsworth 1 opens a giant shell. There is nothing
inside.]
FARNSWORTH 1
It's gone!
[Cut to: Universe 1 Alley. Zoidberg 1 is sat on a bin holding
the box and wearing a Slurm cup on his head. Zoidberg A bows
to him.]
ZOIDBERG
All hail Zoidberg! The king with the
box! Now it's my turn maybe?
ZOIDBERG 1
The box says no.
[Ship's Cockpit.]
[Universe 1 Farnsworth's Lab.]
HERMES 1 (CRYING)
If I know parallel Hermes, he's at the
sun by now.
BENDER 1
Our universe is doomed!
BENDER AND BENDER 1
Dooooomed!
FARNSWORTH 1
Now don't give up yet you cry babies.
The box is gone but we still have one
preposterously slim hope.
AMY
Is it a kind of hairspray?
FARNSWORTH
No. We must attempt to create another
box containing our universe! Doy!
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth pulls the switch on the multi-purpose
nose making machine and the lights dim. Several boxes come out
of it on a conveyor belt. The two Farnsworths scream madly while
everyone else remains calm.]
[Time Lapse. Several boxes are on the floor. Fry picks one up
and pokes his head inside it.]
FRY 1
Well? Is that your universe in there?
FRY [FROM BOX]
Nope. Too cold.
[He pulls his head out. It is frozen in a block of ice. Farnsworth
puts his head in one.]
[Leela runs by with her head in a box and tentacles emerging
from it.]
HERMES 1
Oh man it's hopeless! We'll never find
your universe in time! Plus, this box
is stuck on my fat head.
FARNSWORTH 1
Yes it's the apocalypse alright. I always
thought I'd have a hand in it!
BENDER 1
I'm not sad. Because I finally found
someone as great as me! It's like I
always say: "Make new friends and keep
the old. One is silver..."
BENDER
"...and the other's gold!"
[They hug and cry. Enter Zoidbergs with the right box.]
ZOIDBERG 1
Why with the long faces?
[Leela 1 gasps.]
LEELA 1
The idiots have the box!
ZOIDBERG
I think she means you.
FARNSWORTH 1
Grab them!
[They surround the two Zoidbergs and back them against the shelves
containing the other universes. The shelves wobble and Universe
#25 falls off and lands on Zoidberg, taking him and Universe
A with it.]
[He picks up the box and drops it over his head. He runs around
with his legs sticking out and woops. He runs into the shelves
and all the other boxes fall off.]
AMY
Splug! Which one did they go into?
FARNSWORTH 1
We'll have to search a universe. Everyone,
grab a length of wire first so you can
find your way back.
[They each grab a wire anchored to his lab table and jump into
a parabox.]
[Universe 25. The Zoidbergs come in via a box and leave via another
box. Amy 1 follows and looks around.]
AMY 1
Hello? Did you see two smelly lobsters?
HERMES 25
We didn't see anything.......ever!
[Universe 1729. Enter Fry.]
FRY
Yo, did two shellfish in scrubs go by?
[The people in this universe have giant wobbly heads.]
FRY 1729
Hell no.
LEELA 1729
Shut up!
BENDER 1729
Beat it jerk!
[Universe 31. Enter Leela. This universe is populated by blocky
robot versions of the crew.]
LEELA
Uh, have you robot versions of yourselves
seen any extra Zoidbergs around here?
LEELA
Uh, access denied.
[Fry 31's head explodes.]
[Universe XVII. The Professor's lab resembles an ancient Greek
study and Farnsworth XVII is hard at work writing something on
a blackboard. Enter the Bender's behind him.]
BENDER 1
Hey man look what I snagged from the
leprachaun universe!
[He opens his chest cabinet and pulls out a crock o' gold.]
BENDER
Yeah leprachaun universe is fine...if
you haven't seen pirate universe!
[He pulls out a treasure chest. Bender 1 gasps.]
BENDER 1
Faith and begota!
[They leave. Farnsworth XVII turns around from the blackoard.]
FARNSWORTH XVII
Quae?
[Universe 420. Enter the Zoidbergs.]
ZOIDBERG
Quick, into another box!
ZOIDBERG 1
There aren't any in this universe there
aren't. Hey you, what with the no boxes?
[This universe is populated by hippies.]
FARNSWORTH 420
Baby they're somewhere, everything's
like somewhere! Place is kinda au natural
right now.
[Enter Farnsworth A and Farnsworth 1.]
FARNSWORTH 1
There they are!
[The Zoidbergs scream. Farnsworth takes the parabox to Universe
A away from them.]
FARNSWORTH
Gotcha!
FARNSWORTH 420
Dig it! All of you living in this boxed
is like seriously freaked up!
FARNSWORTH
Nonsense, why there's a whole universe
in there.
FARNSWORTH 420
Dude, there's a universe in all of us.
[Amy 420 puts her arms around him.]
AMY 420
Right on Professor Freaksworth!
[Farnsworth 420 offers Farnsworth a flower.]
FARNSWORTH
Get a job! (shouting into the parabox)
We've got the box. Everyone pull your
wires.
[They pull them and they are reeled in.]
[Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab. Everyone flies in and hits their
heads on the lab table.]
FARNSWORTH
Hurry! Back to Universe A!
[The A's and 1's jump into the box.]
[Ships Ejection Port. The ship has arrived at the sun and Hermes
prepares to eject the box. He pushes it through the slot into
the airlock and his finger hovers over the eject button. The
A's and 1's jump out of the box. They are trapped in the airlock.
Farnsworth pounds on the glass.]
FARNSWORTH
Hermes don't press that button!
[Hermes thinks about it for a while.]
HERMES
OK.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew all say goodbye to their
parallel selves.]
ZOIDBERG
So long your majesty!
[Zoidberg 1 climbs into the box. Fry 1 and Leela 1 kiss and climb
in.]
FRY
There but for the flip of a coin go
we. So uh Leela, seeing how the universe
wasn't destroyed, you wanna catch an
ape fight? Y'know? Together?
LEELA
Well, I guess you deserve one more flip.
[She flips the coin.]
FRY
So? Heads or tails?
[Leela looks at the coin.]
LEELA
Y'know, lets just say it's heads.
[Fry smiles. Farnsworth reaches into the parabox and Farnsworth
1's hand comes out.]
FARNSWORTH
Ready?
[The paraboxes fold into each other. Farnsworth now holds the
blue box.]
FARNSWORTH
There. That space-time inversion has
given us their box and vice-versa!
LEELA
So what you think you just explain to
us is that -
FARNSWORTH
Correct! This box contains our own universe!
[Everyone gasps.]
HERMES
Sweet honey bee of infinity!
[Bender takes the box from Farnsworth and shakes it. The building
shakes.]
LEELA
Bender, quit destroying the universe!
[She snatches the box away and the room shakes again.]
BENDER
But...aw!
FARNSWORTH
Yes, all that is and ever shall be is
in that box! And the box itself is probably
worth something too. We must cherish
it, as we cherish every moment of our
lives.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Bender and Leela are sat on
the couch. Bender changes the channel. Enter Fry with a beer.
He sees there is no space left on the couch so he sits on the
parabox. The universe goes all squishy.]
THE END
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