"THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Advertisment: Fry, Bender and Leela are heroes in an oval.]
(voice-over) Futurama is brought to
you by......Arachno Spores! The fatal
spore, with the funny name!
[Opening Credits. Caption: The Show That Watches Back.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. A show called Cop Department is on TV.]
[Fry, Bender and Leela sit slumped on the couch. The coffee table
is filled with dishes, uneaten burgers and boxes of Chinese food.
On the TV is a dazed centipede-like alien with a blurred face.]
ALIEN [ON TV]
C'mon man, I didn't fire off no laser.
SMITTY [ON TV]
Then why is there a smoking hole in
your ceiling sir?
[The camera points to the ceiling.]
ALIEN [ON TV]
What? Crazy upstairs lady must've been
URL [ON TV]
Sir, you're on the top floor of this
[The alien's wife walks in.]
ALIEN'S WIFE [ON TV]
You get that camera out of my house!
SMITTY [ON TV]
Just relax ma'am. Sir, sir, put down
[The alien smashes the lamp.]
ALIEN [ON TV]
OK. OK, I'm co-operating.
SMITTY [ON TV]
That's it, now put up your hands.
[The alien puts it's 20 hands in the air and URL moves towards
him, cuffs at the ready.]
URL [ON TV]
Nice and slow. Aww yeah!
SMITTY [ON TV]
And while you're at it, unblur your
ALIEN [ON TV]
[He unblurs his face. It wasn't a TV effect!]
Hey Bender, I thought you said you were
in this episode.
Nah, this week I'm on Caught On Tape
3 because of what I did in the coffee
[Fry spits out his coffee. On the TV URL walks the alien out
of the building.]
ALIEN [ON TV]
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just
going through some things.
[Smitty opens the car door but the alien head butts him and runs
into some bushes. URL lifts up a shoe.]
URL [ON TV]
I'm goin' in.
[The Cop Department logo appears on the screen.]
[The picture changes to a traffic-packed New New York.]
(tense and impatient) Shut up and get
to the point!
[A woman looks around the street.]
WOMAN [ON TV]
It's like stepping back stepping back
into the year 2000!
[A cowboy riding a hover-moped and carrying a harpoon pulls up.
More cowboys follow him.]
COWBOY [ON TV]
Time for the mammoth hunt dudes!
[They ride off and start attacking a robotic mammoth on the streets.
It roars. A hot air balloon flies over head. Inside are actors
playing Albert Einstein and Hammurabi, an ancient king of Babylonia
who reigned around 2000BC, rather than AD.]
Let's disco dance Hammurabi!
[And they do. The Past-O-Rama logo appears on the screen, a play
on the title logo of an unpopular cartoon series from the early
Sounds like your kinda place Fry. Wanna
Nah. If I ever wanna go back to the
year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again.
C'mon Fry, I really wanna see it. You
know how I yearn for a simpler time.
A time of barn dances and buggy rides,
before life was cheapened by heartless
But Bender you are -
[Bender hods his hands to his ear units and shakes his head.]
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah...
[Outside Past-O-Rama. The place has a Disneyland-esque theme
to it and a slogan adorns a sign: "It's Da Boom!"]
[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender, Leela and Fry walk around
the streets, crowded with other tourists. They pass shops such
as 47th Street Butter Churns, Iowa Bagel Co and a cinema playing
Star Wars 9: Yoda's Bar Mitzvah.]
Cool, it's just like the good old days!
[A man jumps Fry with a knife.]
Give me your wallet or I'll cut you!
Hey Leela, get a picture of me being
[He dangles his wallet in front of the mugger and Leela takes
I'll take the camera too.
[He takes it and runs out through an exit. Fry laughs until he
realises what has happened. He clears his throat.]
Learning is fun.
[Time Lapse. Leela points at a screen with Dow: 11,107 on it.]
Ooo, ancient Wall Street.
[The Dow drops to 7,539 and stockbrokers crowd around the windows
[They throw themselves out of the window. The Dow goes back up
to 11,108 and they fly back through the windows with jet-packs.]
[Time Lapse. The trio have joined a tour group. The guide is
dressed in old fashioned very pre-20th century American clothing.]
I direct your attention to this ancient
and mysterious tablet which has yet
to be deciphered.
[He points to a parking sign. Leela turns to Fry.]
Do you know what it means?
Yeah I asked a cop once. It means "Up
[Bender puts his arms around Fry and Leela.]
I gotta say I'm really enjoying the
day out with you people - Hey, a suicide
booth! So long suckers.
Uh, sorry Bender that's just a phone
What were they used for?
In New York? Bathrooms.
Oh. I-I'll be out in a sec.
[She walks into the phonebox.]
[Past-O-Rama XLIInd Street Subway. A guy with an afro stands
next to some graffiti on the wall that just says "graffiti."
On the same wall are two signs, one advertising "Learn Spanglish"
and the other advertising "Laser Tentacle Surgery" in AL1. Bender,
Fry and Leela stand by a turnstile.]
(reading) Tokens only. (talking) How
does this work?
I'll show you. Whup.
Ohh, it's a turnstile.
[He hops over it and Leela follows with some fancy vaulting.]
[Past-O-Rama Subway Train. Leela, Bender and Fry look around
the messy train car.]
What's this? Another bathroom?
No, it's a mobile apartment with no
[He lies down on a seat and puts a newspaper over him. Bender
C'mon Fry get up!
[Fry snarls like a grumpy homeless person and turns away from
[Past-O-Rama Street. They walk out of the subway and head elsewhere.]
[Past-O-Rama Tresures Of The Holy Tomb. The 20th century museum
seems to be themed on Ancient Egypt. Leela reads a tour leaflet.]
Wow! The burial chamber of the 20th
century's greatest spiritual leader
- Al Sharpton.
[Bender looks at a glass case of jewellery.]
Wow. Now this guy had taste!
It says he was mummified in ceremonial
We sometimes called it a jogging suit.
[Past-O-Rama Traffic Pavilion. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a
holo-film of a busy New York street, packed with cars.]
(voice-over) They traffic jams of Old
New York were a public forum of free
interchange of opinions.
[In the holo-film the cars honk their horns.]
(voice-over) It all started with Gerald
Ford's famous invention, the "automocar"
......which was powered by a tank of
burning fossils. Here we see a 20th
century assembly line where cars were
constructed by primative robots.
[A metal door goes up and behind it robots dressed like cavemen
bang car frames with clubs.]
(chanting) Ooga ooga ooga ooga ooga
We've come a long way baby!
[The walkway moves on.]
(voice-over) The fruit of the robots'
labour was this......the stately 1992
Hey, my girlfriend had one of those!
Actually it wasn't her's it was her
dad's. Actually she wasn't my girlfriend.
She just lived next door and never closed
Fry, remember when I told you about
always ending your stories a sentence
C'mon, let's sneak in for a closer look.
[He peers in through the car's window. A man dressed in medieval
clothes stands behind him.]
Sir, we don't touch the antiques sir.
You - oh! I'm sorry. You work here.
I should have realised from that ridiculous
getup you're wearing.
Hey! This is from Miller's Outpo - uh,
I mean, yeah, I work here alright!
[The man hands him some keys.]
Here, move this rust bucket outside
behind Saint Koch's cathedral.
[He moves away but takes one last look at Fry and laughs.]
[Cut to: Car. Fry and Bender climb in the front and Leela sits
in the back.]
Did you drive much in the 20th century
Nope. No one in New York drove. There
was too much traffic. Nice! Listen
to that baby purr!
There's a baby in there huh?
[Fry looks in behind him, in the rear-view mirror and behind
It's just like riding a bicyc -
[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Traffic Pavilion. The car lurches forward
and smashes through the wall.]
[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The three scream as the car speeds
past people and cuts up a taxi being pulled a rickshaw driver,
with a couple sat on the roof. The car mounts the pavement and
they carry on screaming.]
[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Theatre. 26 dancebots can-can to a packed
theatre hall. The car ploughs through the wall and drives across
the stage, cutting off the dancebots' legs. The dancebots fall
to the floor.]
[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The car spins out of control past
a three-card-monté-bot and finnaly crashes into something and
comes to a stop.]
[Cut to: Car. The airbags inflate in the front and the three
I think I got whiplash.
You can't have whiplash, you don't have
I meant ass whiplash.
I'm just glad we hit something. I thought
we'd never stop.
[He opens the door and gets out.]
[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender and Leela get out too. There
is a huge smoking dent in the front of the car. The trio gasp.
The thing that made the dent was another bending unit. It is
Bender's exact double, except for a goatee. The bending unit
rubs it's ass.]
Ow! I think I got whiplash.
[He falls unconcious.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Zoidberg, Leela and Hermes impatiently
pace around the room while Bender casually sits on the couch
reading a magazine. Fry looks at a clock. 6:24. 6:25. Enter Farnsworth
and Amy, wearing masks and work aprons. Farnsworth holds a blowtorch.]
How's that robot I ran over?
[Farnsworth lifts his mask.]
We did all we could.
You mean he's -
Good as new? Yes.
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew are assembled in
Leela, Zoidberg, the rest of you, this
[He points to Flexo who is sat on a worktop.]
Sweet llamas of the Bahamas! Except
for that stylish beard, he looks just
[Flexo hops off the worktop. His voice is exactly like Bender's.]
No duh dreadlock, we're both bending
Hey brobot, what's you serial number?
No way! Mine's 2716057!
[They both laugh. Fry joins in then stops.]
I don't get it.
We're both expressable as the sum of
[Flexo cheers and they high five.]
So uh, Flexo. Sorry about crushing your
body like that. You OK now?
Well I don't feel as bad as you look!
Nah I'm just messing with you kid.
You're alright. That's some face you
got though, I think they got a cream
for that. Nah, you're great.
Well just let me know if there's anything
I can do to make it up to you.
Actually your little stunt did a number
on my back. You mind rubbin' it for
[He starts rubbing Flexo's shoulders.]
Aw yeah, that's it. A little lower.
Lower. Yeah that's it. A little lower
Uh I can't get any lower than this.
I'll say, you're rubbing my ass!
[He and Bender burst out laughing and high five again.]
[Outside Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. A robot advertises
what is inside.]
Hey, check it out here, six beautiful
devices. They know what you like and
they'll do it to within a tolerance
of one micron!
[Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. In the smokey strip club a
Fembot does a fan dance with real fans.]
Yeah spin those fans baby!
[Another robot dog whistles.]
[Flexo and Bender smoke cigars. Fry coughs.]
I don't like this place. It's 120 degrees
and there's very little oxygen.
Shut up and hoot. Hubba-hubba, she
is built! In Mexico I believe.
And that ain't silicon. It's tungsten
- and plenty of it!
(unsure) Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust
[He waves a dollar and puts it into the stripperbot.]
Thanks moderate spender. Please select
Yeah, how 'bout a lapdance for my pal
[The stripperbot moves towards Fry.]
Uh, no, that's alright. Ow! Ow!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning Fry sits at the
table with a plaster on his head and holding an icebag to it
and wearing a neck brace.]
I'm telling you there's something about
Flexo I don't like.
[Enter Flexo and Bender.]
Hey Fry, think fast. Get it? It's chlorine!
[He and Bender laugh and leave. Zoidberg laughs.]
It's funny because it's poisonous!
Yeah keep laughing brineshrimp but he's
bad news. I regret ever running him
Take a rage dump man. He's no worse
He's much worse. He drinks, he smokes
and he posts naked pictures of me on
That's Bender alright.
I'm talking about Flexo.
Oh I get it, this is cute. You're jealous
of Bender's new friend!
No I'm not. Mark my words. Flexo's evil.
He's the evil Bender.
[Farnsworth appears on the big screen.]
[Everyone looks around in confusion.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bedroom. Farnsworth sits on his
four-poster bed while the crew and Flexo are gathered around.]
Everyone get in bed with me. I have
something to show you. Feast your eyes
Can I touch it?
[Behind the curtains Farnsworth holds a big glowing atom.]
So what is it already?
It's a single atom of jumbonium. And
element so rare, the nucleus alone is
worth more than $50,000.
How much more?
100,000. That's why I hid it here. Under
Uh Professor, can we discuss this somewhere
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bathroom. Farnsworth sits in the
bath still holding the atom a toy scale model of the Planet Express
ship floats in the bath with him.]
The atom sits atop this dime stored
tiara which will be awarded to the winner
of this years Miss Universe pageant
on the planet Tova 9. Your job is to
deliver it, safe and sound.
Wow, when I was a little girl on Mars
I dreamed of being Miss Universe.
That's kinda pathetic.
Aw come on Leela. Deep down all girls
wanna be Miss Universe.
Really? Maybe it's just cute girls.
Due to the atom's tremendous value,
Planet Express would go bankrupt if
it was stolen. Therefore we'll need
to hire on additional security for the
[Flexo raises his hand.]
Oh oh Mr Professor, right here!
Uh, maybe we should stick with people
we know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great
Flexo's great you say? Well that's good
enough for me. Welcome aboard lad.
[The ship speeds away from Earth en route to Tova 9.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela puts the atom in a transparent
safe and locks it. She turns around, holding a laser.]
Space banditos have been operating in
this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour
shifts guarding the safe. First Bender,
then Flexo, then Fry.
Wait, I don't like the sound of that.
Let's just go alphabetically.
OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Wait, let's go by rank.
OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Flexo outranks me?
That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!
[He pokes Fry. Then some more.]
[Time Lapse. Bender's shift has started. He stands with his laser
poises, rotating his head around. The cargo bay door opens. Enter
Fry. Bender points the laser at him.]
Halt. Who goes there?
Don't point that at me.
Look, I know Flexo's your friend but
I don't trust him alone with the atom.
My God Fry just 'cause the guy's got
a beard you label him as evil? Well
I got a label for you pal. An ugly little
word called "prejudice."
I'm not prejudiced.
Ah save it for the cross burning Adolf!
[Time Lapse. Fry is gone and Bender sits with his feet on the
safe reading Pentiumhouse magazine. Enter Flexo.]
Keeping an eye on the safe?
[Bender puts down the magazine. He only has one eye.]
You know it!
[He points at his other eye sitting on a crate the other side
of the cargo bay, watching the safe.]
Well, looks like it's my shift. You
lie down and go offline for a while.
[He picks up his eye and walks out the room whistling. The door
closes behind him and Flexo laughs as he looks at the atom. Fry
jumps out from behind a crate.]
Caught you! I saw you looking at the
So? I look at lots of atoms. Shouldn't
you be resting up for your shift?
Oh-ho you'd like it if I went to sleep
Whatever it takes to shut your yapper.
Nah, I'm just kidding you, you're a
Yeah well here's a funny joke. I'm gonna
sit right here till it's my shift.
Suit yourself skinbag.
That I will.
[Time Lapse. Flexo sits with the laser, bored, while Fry paces
up and down. Fry's watch beeps.]
Well, that's eight hours.
[He snatches the laser from Flexo.]
Yeah eight hours of solid boredom.
Nah, I'm kidding, you're a wonderful
[He leaves and Fry sits down.]
Finally, the atom is safe.
[He falls asleep immediately.]
[The ship flies towards Tova 9.]
[Outside Miss Universe Pageant. The ship lands on a landing pad
near a sign informing people that "Contestants May Not Exceed
More Than 50% Implant."]
[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. The ship shakes as it lands and Fry
wakes up. He screams. The safe is broken and the atom is gone.
Leela runs in.]
What is it? My God! Did you hear maracas?
Then it wasn't space banditos. Bender,
lock down the ship, don't let Flexo
[Behind her Bender is wearing a blue scarf around his neck.]
Aye aye captain. It appears that Flexo
has outwitted us all. Especially me...Bender.
[Time Lapse. Leela and Fry look at the broken safe.]
How could Flexo have stolen the atom?
He must have used a sleep ray on me.
Sleep rays exist in the future right?
Then I must've fallen asleep.
Well you were sure right about Flexo
[Bender peers around the doorway, the bottom of his face and
his body obscured by the wall.]
I locked down the ship but he may have
already gotten away.
OK, thanks Bender. Let's fan out and
look for him.
Roger that, I got a map of the ship
[He walks into full view carrying a big map that hides his body
and lower face. Leela walks over to him and whispers to him.]
(whispering) Keep an eye on Fry. We
can't rule out the possibility that
he did it.
[Ship's Medical Lab. Leela sneaks in with her laser at the ready.
She flicks on the lights and positions herself by a cupboard
marked "Emergency Supplies."]
[She opens the cupboard but all that is in there is a clown suit.]
[Leela's Quarters. Fry snoops around by a chest of drawers.]
Aha! Uh searching...hmm.
Fry? Why are you looking for Flexo in
my underpants drawer?
I didn't find him here 10 minutes ago
so I thought it was time to check again.
[Leela slaps his hand. Bender walks in with the map covering
Well, he wasn't in the uh, kitchen room.
(suspicious) Say Bender, can I hold
that map for a second?
Any leave me high and dry in case of
a scavenger hunt? I think not.
[Fry starts pulling at the map but Bender holds onto it, with
it still covering his face.]
Give it up!
[They struggle for a bit and Fry eventually pulls it away, revealing
Bender to be wearing his green turtleneck that covers his chin.]
Alright, take it. Sheesh.
[He leaves. Fry eyes him suspiciously.]
[Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela and Fry inspect the safe again.]
Well, looks like Flexo got away clean.
[Bender is stood behind Fry wearing another scarf.]
It's a darn shame.
He must have jumped ship with the atom
the second we landed.
Or maybe, he never left at all! Wait
a minute. You're Bender.
Of course, who said I wasn't?
But why were you wearing that scarf,
that turtleneck and this fruity number?
It's a little thing called "style."
Look it up sometime.
[He puts the scarf back on.]
[Outside Miss Universe Pageant. A screen advertises the Miss
Universe pageant tonight and the Miss Parallel Universe pageant
tomorrow. Flexo runs into the building laughing evily.]
[Miss Universe Pageant. Inside, the finalists are lined up, all
of them grotesque monsters. Bob Barker's head in a jar hosts.]
Our ninth finalist, Miss Methane Planet;
Halatina Smogmeyer. And our tenth and
final finalist, Miss Earth's Moon, the
[The Crushinator rolls in and crushes some shoes.]
(mechanical voice) Thank you Bob Barker,
I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement.
Which one of these lovely womanoids
will take home the lovely tiara?
[From the side of the stage Leela peers around the curtains and
gestures to Barker.]
(whispering) Downplay the tiara.
Uh, we'll find out after these subliminal
[Bob Barker's Dressing Room. The Planet Express crew are with
So you lost the atom huh? You're garbage,
human garbage! Do you braindead space
jockeys have any idea how much that
thing is worth?
[Barker looks at Leela.]
You're closest without going over.
Well, we'll be leaving now. If you'll
just sign this form saying you received
I'm not signing squat. You find me that
damn tiara before the pageant ends.
But Mr Barker -
Enough out of you. I may be against
the fur industry, but that won't stop
me from skinning you alive! As long
as no one wears the skin.
[A woman wheels him out.]
Well gentlemen, it appears we're boned.
[Flexo wanders past the open door.]
[Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Unnamed Planet #2859-B plays
the William Tell tune on a bugle. She stops and takes her hands
away revealing the bugle to be her nose. The judges give their
scores. Florp from planet Trisol gives her an 8, Calculon gives
her a nine and Zapp Brannigan holds up a "Room 715" sign and
shakes the keys to the room sexfully.]
Next up in what is generously called
the "Talent Competition," performing
a traditional gangster rap, Miss - what
[Flexo runs onto the stage followed by Bender, Fry and Leela.
The women scream and Bender dives on Flexo.]
[They get up and try punching each other, each moving exactly
the same way and getting nowhere.]
(chanting) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
[Leela points a laser at the two robots. They have their hands
at each others throats, covering any suspicious goatee that might
help tell them apart.]
Shoot him, he's choking me!
No shoot him, he's choking me!
[They struggle and beads of sweat trickle down Leela's face.]
I don't know which one to shoot.
Flexo! Shoot Flexo!
[Bender and Flexo fence each other using their antennas and they
break through a wall.]
[Cut to: Miss Universe Dressing Room. The Miss Universe contestants
run away screaming, covering themselves with towels. An Amazonian
Women only room!
[She lifts them up.]
[Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. The jellyfish creature Zoidberg
hooked up with in A Flight To Remember is in the middle of her
rap. Bender and Flexo fly out through the hole in the wall and
knock her over. They cover each others chins again.]
Alright, enough of this. There's the
Bender? You stole the atom?
Yeah but I can explain, it's very valuable.
I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep.
That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.
Whoa whoa, you mean Bender is the evil
Bender? I am shocked, shocked! Well
not that shocked.
I'm sorry we suspected you Flexo. It's
just, what with the beard and all.
Don't even bother. You people sicken
me. I put my life on the line to guard
that atom and this is how you repay
me? Well you can go rot for all I care.
Nah, I'm just kidding, you guys are
[He walks off laughing.]
I'm so confused. The Bender I liked
turn out to be evil and the Bender I
hated was good. How can I live my life
when I can't tell good from evil?
Eh, they're both fine choices, whatever
floats your boat.
[He takes out a cigar and smokes it.]
[Miss Universe Pageant Backstage. Bob Barker reads a book the
woman is holding. URL and Smitty drag Flexo in behind him.]
Is this the guy?
Huh? Oh yeah, that looks like him. Whatever.
Wait, but I -
Take him away.
[Miss Universe Pageant. The contestants are all lined up ready
for the winner to be announced.]
Alright, let's put an end to this pathetic
hoedown. Brannigan read the thing.
And the winner is...
[He starts to open the envelope. Leela, Fry and Bender watch
from the side of the stage.]
It figures. Who else but Zapp Brannigan
would be judging the most chauvinistic,
degrading, dehumanising -
[Zapp turns around.]
[Everyone applauds and a spotlight moves to Leela.]
Wait, you're making a - Ooo! Look at
that. I feel like a princess.
[She starts to cry and walks on the stage and waves to the applauding
Wait. What are you people, idiots? I'm
still going mano a mano with this envelope.
Miss Vega 4. (singing) There it is,
Miss Universe. There it is, looking
[The tiara sinks into Miss Vega 4. Fry, Leela and Bender watch.
I almost had that tiara.
Well, you guys might both be losers
but I just made out with that radiator
woman from the radiator planet.
Fry, that's a radiator.
Oh. Is there a burn ward within 10
feet of here?
The Lesser Of Two Evils
Writers : Eric Horstead
Genres : Animation Comedy