"THE ROUTE OF ALL EVIL"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Disclaimer. Any Resemblance To Actual
Robots Would Be Really Cool.]
[7^11 Store. Fry, Bender and Leela peruse the beer fridge.]
Ah beer! So many choices! And it makes
so little difference.
How 'bout Löbrau? It has dots on it.
Overruled. The choice of champions is
Pabst Blue Robot!
I can't drink that! The metal shavings
make my throat bloody.
(mocking) Waah waah! Baby wants a Zima!
Hey hey! We can all fight when we're
drunk. Now listen: Why don't we just
brew our own beer?
You can brew your own beer?
Sure, the kids at the orphanarium used
to do it all the time.
[Bender stares for a while then his head springs off.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes, LaBarbara, Farnsworth, Cubert
and Hermes' son Dwight are there. Dwight has dreads and wears
a shirt made of the Jamaican flag.]
Cursed bacteria of Liberia. My own son
suspended from boarding school.
It's not my fault Dad.
And you Cubert. I cloned you from one
of my warts and I can send you straight
back in there.
What's going on? Is this angry yelling
or busted hearing aid yelling?
I'm afraid it's both.
Now hold on, everyone cool your daiquiris!
Let's give the little vermin a chance
to explain themselves.
It was self defence Mom. Just look at
the letter the Principal sent. We were
in science class and we had just finished
building a minature black hole.
CUBERT [ON TV]
That was easy.
[Bret Blob, a horrible gelatinous blob, scoffs.]
BRET [ON TV]
Pretty scrawny black hole. It must be
CUBERT [ON TV]
Duh! Black holes don't need food.
BRET [ON TV]
Neither do nerds!
[He picks up Cubert and Dwight's lunch boxes and throws them
in the black hole. The black hole disappears.]
CUBERT [ON TV]
That's it Bret. You've compressed our
lunches to a singularity for the last
time! Salt him Dwight!
[He and Dwight pick up some jars of salt and shake it over Bret.
He dissolves into a green puddle.]
BRET [ON TV]
When I resolidify, I'm gonna put you
in a world of goop!
[Cubert and Dwight scream.]
See? That bully started it. We couldn't
fight back with brawn so we used our
I've warned you not to use those things!
[Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry, Bender and Leela are starting
Let's see. We've got our malt, our hops...we
just need a big disposable tub to mix
[He leans back so his chest cabinet is horizontal. Fry and Leela
pour in the ingredients.]
Now it needs to boil for a couple hours.
[Bender hops onto the gas hob and turns it on. He whistles. Enter
Farnsworth, Hermes, Dwight and Cubert. Dwight is playing a computer
Dwight, you remember the crew?
Crew, you remember Cubert? Wonderful!
And I'm sure you won't mind being their
legal guardians for a month!
[He and Hermes run out.]
Well, well. If it isn't my old friend
stretchpants......no pants and...He
looks at Fry.]...idiot!
We're making beer! I'm the brewery.
I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
Actually Dwight you're right. Alcohol
is very very bad...for children. But
once you turn 21 it becomes very very
good! So scram!
[Dwight and Cubert walk out the room muttering.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is fiddling
with a machine.]
Hey Dad! What useless contraption are
you half-baking today?
Eh wha? Oh! This is my latest invention.
A device that lets anyone sound exactly
[Cubert tries it out.]
(Farnsworth's voice) Good news everyone!
I'm a horse's butt!
I am? That's not good news at all you
[He shakes his fist and Cubert screams in Farnsworth's voice
and runs away. Dwight looks at the machine.]
What's this device's marketability?
Who's the target consumer?
There is no target consumer! Only targets.
Targets that will tremble as their new
master hands down edicts in my glorious
booming voice! Now quit pestering me
[Hermes' Office. He is stamping and singing.]
Hermes; (singing) Stamp it...file it...oh yeah! Send it overnight!
[Enter Cubert and Dwight. Dwight sees a pile of papers.]
Can I collate that?
Can I shread these contracts?
[Cubert shreads them anyway. Dwight picks something up.]
Wow! A powerstamper!
[He turns it on. It stamps objects around the room, including
Now look at all the work I gotta do!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Dwight and Cubert run out
of Hermes' office laughing.]
[Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender belches foam. Leela tastes it.]
Mmm. The ingredients are cooked. And
they've picked up some of your natural
robot flavourings. Time to add the yeast.
[Fry takes Bender's antenna off and Leela puts a funnel in then
tips the yeast in.]
Yeast? You mean I'll have a lifeform
growing inside me? (crying) It's so
[He blows his nose. Leela wrist thing rings. She presses a button.]
Talk to me.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Dwight and Cubert are
sat with the machine that mimics Farnsworth's voice. It is Cubert
who is talking to Leela.]
(Farnsworth's voice) Sorry I can't come
down to say goodbye, but I'm busy inventing
[He passes the machine to Dwight.]
(Farnsworth's voice) And I smell bad.
[Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off.]
[Time Lapse. A week later the ship lands.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The crew emerge from the ship.
Farnsworth and Hermes stand at the bottom of the steps with Cubert
and Dwight. Cubert is playing on Dwight's game. Leela takes it
from him, squeezes it and breaks it.]
[She grabs both of them by their shirts.]
If you were my kids you'd get quite
a talking to...from your father......when
he got home from the senate.
Oh bother, what have they done now?
[Bender rolls his sleeves up.]
Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake
The address was on Dogdoo 8 but the
universe ends right after Dogdoo 7!
Child man, is this true?
Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your
dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously
[Cubert points at Bender.]
Plus, you're making bootleg beer inside
(shouting) Lies! Lies and slander!
[He belches foam.]
Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?
That's the last straw! You boys have
been underfoot long enough!
You jerked the words right outta my
mouth. We're their fathers and its high
time we acted like it.
[Bender rubs his hands together with glee.]
Ooo-hoo! Here comes violence!
[Hermes clears his throat.]
Get a job you lazy kids!
[Dwight and Cubert gasp in horror. Bender is disappointed.]
I guess if you want children beaten......you
have to do it yourself.
[Outside Planet Express. Dwight and Cubert have set up something
and put a white sheet over it. They lead Farnsworth and Hermes
to some chairs.]
Come on Dad, shuffle faster!
You don't wanna miss the unveiling of
our new company do you?
[Hermes and Farnsworth sit down.]
Company? (mocking) How cute! What will
you be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines?
(mocking) Perhaps they've constructed
a teddybear hospital!
Actually, we're starting a competing
[He pulls the sheet off to reveal a logo that says Awesome Express.
Hermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up.]
Welcome to the world of business!
[He and Farnsworth start kicking the logo.]
Who's going to use a delivery service
with a kicked sign? Nobody that's who!
But we already have a client signed
up! We're delivering the Daily Supernova.
[He holds up the newspaper. On it is a headline: Space Monster
To City: Grrrrr!. Beside it is a picture of a Godzilla-like creature.
So your delivery company is just a cute
harmless paper route?
[Farnsworth wipes his brow.]
No. Its a serious business.
(mocking) Yes its a tremendous responsibility
alright! What if a paper were to land
in a puddle?
(mocking) Civilisation as we know it
might get splashed!
[He and Farnsworth laugh and ruffle their sons' hair.]
[Planet Express: Balcony. Cubert and Dwight have set up a new
Why do they always treat us like dumb
kids? We're practically old enough to
find the Fox Network infantile!
Ah we'll show 'em. All Awesome Express
needs is a sturdy interstellar delivery
craft! Voila! You got a quarter?
[Dwight pulls out a coin. Cubert rips out the ad and puts it
in an envelope with the quarter and puts the envelope in the
mailbox. It flies off down a message tube.]
Man, that ad said to allow four to six
seconds for delivery.
More like seven!
[A mail tube shoots out of the box and knocks Cubert off his
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is sat on the couch. His casing
is a little bigger than usual and he looks pregnant. Enter Fry
I'm really starting to swell up with
beer. I must look ridiculous.
No, you have a healthy glow.
Oh my God! I just felt it ferment!
Ooo! Let me feel. Have you thought
about what to name it?
I was thinking Benderbrau if it's an
ale, Botweiser if it's a lager.
I hope it's a lager so I can take it
to a ball game. Ooo! I felt that one!
[Outside Planet Express. At the back of the building Dwight and
Cubert finish putting together their hovercraft. They are wearing
Uh, there's a crack in the hull here.
That could cause explosive decompression.
Put a sticker on it.
[He hands Cubert a sticker for Mom's Moron Oil For Dumb Robots.
Farnsworth and Hermes walk around the corner.]
Off on your first delivery eh? You be
careful my little tinkler. Remember
we used to call you that huh? Tinkler?
[A Daily Supernova van pulls up. Sal throws out a bundle of papers.]
Gets movin'! Those newspapers won'ts
deliver themselveses! Only the Sunday
edition can dos that.
[He drives off.]
Goodness there must be 50 papers in
that bundle! That's a big number, 50.
Yeah if you're an idiot!
[He and Dwight climb into the hovercraft. Dwight counts down.]
3. 2. 1.
All systems go.
[The hovercraft blasts off. It is pedal powered. Dwight and Cubert
pedal and it flies up into the sky.]
(shouting) See you at din-din!
(shouting) I'm blowing you a kiss.
[He blows it. Cubert "sees" it coming towards him and screams.]
Take evasive action!
[He and Dwight pedal around to avoid the kiss.]
(shouting) It's closing in! You can't
avoid it! It's a cheek-seeker. And...gotcha!
[Cubert screams and spits.]
[Montage Dwight and Cubert fly their hovercraft through a posh
estate called Maple Craters in a sequence lifted from the Paperboy
game from the late 1980's. They throw a paper to a woman, then
they are chased by a dog (which is then eaten by the space monster
from The Empire Strikes Back). Back on Earth Sal delivers more
papers to them. At Maple Craters they pass Bret Blob's house.
He throws some slime at them and it hits their hovercraft. Cubert
hands a paper to Dwight and he throws it through the Blobs' window.
Cubert and Dwight laugh. Back on Earth Sal delivers even more
papers. Then they are presented an award at the Paperboys Of
The Week ceremony. Their photo makes the front page of the Daily
Supernova with the headline Paperboys Win Award On Slow News
Day. They throw the last paper to the last house and fly back
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat at the table.
Bender is knitting a beer bottle cover.]
Business is down. So I filed papers
to have you all reclassified as slaves.
[Enter Dwight and Cubert with a wheelbarrow with a big lump in
it covered by a sheet.]
Well, well, well. If it isn't our little
[He tickles them.]
What's the trouble men? Need some penny
rolls for your profits?
Actually, thank's to Dwight's brilliant
accounting and my unaccountable brilliance......our
paper route now has over a million customers!
[He pulls the sheet off the wheelbarrow, revealing the lump to
be a huge pile of money. Hermes and Farnsworth stand gawping
at it, dumbstruck.]
We're finally making more money than
you guys! Aren't you impressed now Pops?
Uh, in a small way yes. But you still
don't have your own building, your own
conference table or...or one of those
[He points at Zoidberg.]
[Planet Express: Balcony. Dwight and Cubert lean against the
wall with their wheelbarrow.]
Our Dads are never impressed, no matter
what we do.
Maybe we should start a fire.
If we really want to impress them we'll
have to crush them with strategy...Dwight
[He pulls out a pad with "Dwight Lightning" written on the front.]
Very well. But I get to name the next
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, Fry and Bender are sat watching
a TV programme.]
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]
This week on The Real World: The Sun.
MAN [ON TV]
Argh! I'm burning to death!
You know how much an apartment that
big would cost on the Sun?
[Fry turns the TV off. Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]
People, as you know our young sons have
become great successes in the very same
field as us.
Naturally, we're humiliated.
That's why we need you, our loyal crew,
to make Planet Express 800% more profitable.
[Hermes sets up a chart.]
We'll start by slashing salaries. And
this time I mean really slash.
Uh guys, I don't know how to tell you
this. So I'll just let Fry blurt it
We don't work for you anymore!
Dwight and Cubert made us a better offer.
We're paperboys now.
[Enter Cubert and Dwight.]
Incoming! We got papers to stuff team!
Hup two hup two!
[The Awesome Express team get up.]
On our way!
We're on it Mr Farnsworth!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth and Hermes address
Folks, the situation is grim but we
shall prevail, thanks to you, our crack
team of loyal dregs!
[Scruffy sits with his feet on the table, Amy puts make up on
and Zoidberg sits, listening. Hermes looks at Scruffy.]
I don't even know who this guy is!
I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
Yes, of course you are. Now we've got
to buckle down and save Planet Express.
I'm on break.
[He picks up a bag of Potato Chips and slowly munches them.]
[Enter the Awesome Express crew.]
Sorry to interrupt this "whirlwind of
activity" but we have an announcement.
[Dwight walks over to Hermes.]
I direct your attention to these forms,
which I'm presently engaged in handing
[Hermes takes the forms and reads them.]
Sweet guineapig of Winnipeg! They've
taken over our company!
Balderdash! I never agreed to that!
No. But you did declare yourself dead
three years ago as a tax dodge.
Tax dodge nothing! You take one nap
in a ditch in the park and they start
declaring you this and that.
Either way I technically inherit your
building and your spaceship. Which mean
Planet Express is now......Awesome Express!
[Hermes and Farnsworth gasp.]
(angry) You rotten kids! (nicely) Will
you be hiring?
(angry) You rotten kids!
[Awesome Express: Hangar. Leela sprays the ship red. Bender and
Fry finish loading the papers onto the cargo bay lift.]
There. One million papers. Folded and
[Cubert jet packs up to Leela with something in his hands.]
Hey Leela, help me apply these flame
decals I got in my cereal. They'll make
the ship go faster.
And what's your scientific basis for
[Cut to: Outside Awesome Express. Hermes and Farnsworth walk
across the street, carrying boxes of their stuff. The ship blasts
off and they watch. Farnsworth sighs.]
Did I ever tell you how I used to own
[They walk away.]
[Cut to: Street. They walk past a dumpster. Zoidberg pops out
of it and watches Farnsworth and Hermes walk by sadly.]
There but for the grace of God.
[He dives back in and gobbles up some scraps.]
[Awesome Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender are sat on the couch
watching All My Circuits. Bender sings to his bump to the tune
of Hush Little Baby.]
(singing) Hush little brewsky don't
you leak. Daddy wants to drink for at
least a week. Oh my God! I think it's
[Leela runs in.]
Hurry Leela, get some coasters and cold
[Awesome Express: Meeting Room. Bender lies on the table with
his head on Leela's lap. Fry puts the beer in bottles. Bender
cries in pain.]
Push Bender push!
You're doing great!
[Bender cries again.]
It feels like I'm trying to push a water
bed out of me.
Almost there. Just two more bottles.
Is it OK? I can't hear anything.
[The last of the beer drains from Bender. Fry holds a bottle
It's an ale! 5 gallons, 6 ounces!
[He slaps a Benderbrau label on the bottle then hands the crate
of beer to Bender who hugs it.]
[Enter Dwight and Cubert.]
Hey, what's goin' on? This is a delivery
company not a delivery room!
We just busted our bums delivering a
million newspapers and this is how you
greet us? With a bunch of frosty cold
Hey wait a second. How did you deliver
a million papers in one hour?
Uh...we just did OK? 'Cause we're awesome!
[The phone rings. Leela answers.]
Hello, Awesome Express, the rude, crude
delivery dudes! How may I direct your
call?...What's that?...You haven't gotten
your paper?...In how long?...
[Five more phones ring. Dwight and Cubert act nervously.]
[The Conrads' Dining Room. LaBarbara, Hermes and Farnsworth sit
at the table eating. Farnsworth holds up his empty plate.]
Uh, might a homeless old man have a
touch more beef bourguignon? And another
tequila slammer? Please?
Don't you sweet talk me you wrinkly
old tube sack!
[Hermes holds up his glass.]
Might I have one too wife?
Ah you're both pathetic, being jealous
of your own offspring. Now you should
be happy they became successes, instead
of following in your footstamps.
Oh it's true. But they grow up so fast.
We just wanted a few more years of being
better than them.
They're so stinking talented they don't
even need their fathers anymore.
[He and Hermes hug and cry. Cubert and Dwight run in and run
into their father's arms.]
Dad! We screwed up!
You did? Tough luck suckers!
Please, help us Pops. We agreed to deliver
way more papers than we can handle.
(crying) But we couldn't handle them
so we started dumping the extras in
a crater on the Moon.
[He cries more.]
(crying) And now everyone's yelling
at us about our missing papers!
(crying) And now we don't know what
[Hermes and Farnsworth laugh very loudly then sigh. They put
their sons on their laps.]
Why did you boys do all this?
(crying) We just wanted you to be proud
Proud of you? You ruined us with sleazy
business practices and a complete disregard
for human decency. But, of course we're
proud of you.
Damn right we are! Now come on. Let's
go do a little Father/Son weaseling
out of this.
[The newly repainted Planet Express ship flys away from Earth
and hovers over the crater on the Moon.]
[The cargo bay hatch opens and a net comes out and wraps around
the papers. It hoists them out of the craters and the ship flies
off. As they approach Maple Craters the port torpedo door opens
and a gun pops out.]
[Ship's Torpedo Room. Hermes is sat behind the gun with the papers
scattered around the room.]
OK boys, let me show you how a paper
man does it.
[He grabs the gun and shoots the papers to the houses.]
[Cut to: Maple Craters. Some papers hit the doors, some hit cars
and one hits the little prince from the novel of the same name.
He tumbles away into the void of space.]
[Cut to: Ship's Torpedo Room.]
Can I use the gun Dad?
Aw what kind of father would I be if
I said no?
[He lifts Dwight into the chair.]
[Cut to: Maple Craters. Dwight fires the papers to their houses.]
[Cut to: Ship's Torpedo Room.]
Only one house to go. We did it!
[He, Cubert, Hermes and Farnsworth cheer. The screen beeps and
displays the Blob house. Inside Bret Blob lifts weights.]
Run away! That bully Bret Blob lives
He's ugly, mean, stupid, stink, mucus!
And last week...we sort of...broke his
Alright, alright. What do we do when
we break somebody's window?
(sheepish) Pay for it?
Heavens no! We apologise! With nice
[Outside Blob House. Hermes rings the doorbell. Bret answers.]
I thought I heard the doorbell but I
see it was the dorkbell!
[He laughs. Cubert and Dwight laugh nervously.]
Man, we had it coming Bret!
Now now, no need to give us the business.
We'd like a word with you daddy.
Whatever. (shouting) Daaad!
Don't worry boys. I'm sure his father
is a perfectly normal reasonable man.
[Horrible Gelatinous Blob comes out of the door with his tentacles
Mr Blob, our sons have come to apologise
for damaging your window. They've learned
their lesson and they want to make amends.
(ashamed) Sorry sir.
(ashamed) Yeah, sorry.
Now see here. We assured our sons that
you'd accept their apology.
[He laughs. Farnsoworth and Hermes move their sons aside.]
No one gives my son that option!
[He and Hermes roll up their sleeves.]
Bring it on Jello-pop!
Yeah go Dad!
Show 'em who's boss! Get 'em...Pops!
[Horrible Gelatinous Blob eats Hermes and Farnsworth.]
[Taco Bellevue Hospital. Farnsworth and Hermes are in a room
in body casts and traction.]
That was incredible! You are the bravest
dads in the entire trauma centre!
You guys almost had him...until he digested
Aww, you're good kids. If I could feel
anything right now, it would be pride.
I was wrong! I can still feel pain!
[A knock at the door. Enter the Blobs. Horrible Gelatinous Blob
pushes Bret in. Horrible Gelatinous Blob is carrying flowers.
He's coming to finish the job. Someone
toss me out the window!
[Hermes and Farnsworth mull it over.]
[Enter Bender with a crate of Benderbrau.]
Hey chumps! I heard you were on the
ass end of an ass kicking so I figured
you could use a couple of these babys!
[He hands Farnsworth and Hermes a bottle each.]
Oh why not! Might as well live it up
as long as I 've got this catheter in
Uh, won't join us Mr Blob?
[Bender hands him a bottle.]
This is what makes life worth clinging
to. Three fathers, enjoying a day out
with their sons.
[Hermes, Farnsworth, Bender and Horrible Gelatinous Blob clink
It would seem we've taught our boys
a lesson about life: Man or Blob, it's
whats inside that counts.
[They drink their beer. Cubert and Dwight struggle and whimper.
Bret has eaten them.]
The Route Of All Evil
Writers : Dan Vebber
Genres : Animation Comedy